WEBVTT - It’s Okay to Not To Be Okay | MiniPod 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.760 Native Lamppod is a production of iHeartRadio in partnership with 0:00:03.800 --> 0:00:05.039 Reezon Choice Media. 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:10.040 Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, welcome, welcome, Welcome, all. 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:13.640 Right, welcome, welcome, Welcome to your Native lamp Pod family. 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.560 We are here with this week's mini pod. Where we 0:00:17.640 --> 0:00:20.799 ended this week's episode, we were doing our calls to 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:23.200 action as we typically do at the end of our show, 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:26.639 and we got over to our sister Angela's call to 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:29.680 action and notice that something has been stirring in her 0:00:29.720 --> 0:00:32.120 soul a little bit. And so as we thought about 0:00:32.159 --> 0:00:35.960 what topic to platform for this week's mini pod, we 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:40.320 thought that maybe Angela, you might be able to toss 0:00:40.360 --> 0:00:42.879 the topic out as you as you deal with what 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:45.640 was stirring in you, that might stir in us as well. 0:00:47.800 --> 0:00:48.760 Well. Thank you, guys. 0:00:48.800 --> 0:00:51.239 I want to apologize as I did not expect to 0:00:51.280 --> 0:00:53.800 be as overcome by emotion. Y'all know I can cry 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:57.440 about anything and will, but it was to the point 0:00:57.440 --> 0:00:58.680 where I couldn't really. 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:00.520 Get it out. 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:06.800 And I think the convergence of the personal with the professional, 0:01:07.600 --> 0:01:13.200 with the societal and all that makes that psychological just 0:01:13.360 --> 0:01:15.720 you know, it hits walls. And then there's a point where, 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:19.640 like there's some little microscopic leaks in the dam, and 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:24.959 then those leaks become bigger and then there's the floodgates open. 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:30.080 And so I spent probably I had three like therapy 0:01:30.120 --> 0:01:34.319 appointments within a twenty four hour period this week and 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:37.000 really just trying to wrap my mind around that everything 0:01:37.040 --> 0:01:39.240 that's happening. But I had, like I don't know if 0:01:39.240 --> 0:01:42.520 you guys have ever done like tapping or therapy where 0:01:42.520 --> 0:01:46.559 they encourage you to like scream into a pillow. And 0:01:47.240 --> 0:01:49.240 I didn't scream into a pillow. I was in the 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:52.120 mirror in the bathroom and just like was feeling like 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:57.600 I was breaking. And then I was mad at myself 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:00.240 because I immediately knew. I was like, goddamn it, now 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:03.200 you hurt yourself, you know, like I knew, like it 0:02:03.320 --> 0:02:06.720 was so like the thing that's supposed to provide relief 0:02:07.520 --> 0:02:08.600 also caused harm. 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:11.840 And so where you're in this environment where. 0:02:11.880 --> 0:02:14.359 The things that you typically would go to, the places 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:16.800 that you would go, the people you would speak to, 0:02:17.040 --> 0:02:22.240 the programs that you would watch, the spots lives in DC, 0:02:22.440 --> 0:02:25.480 the spots where you would normally go that are safe, 0:02:25.680 --> 0:02:29.040 all of that is ruptured. All of that is in 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:34.640 upheaval and so having the control issues that I have 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:38.880 not being able to provide safety there, you know, again, 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:41.480 like we're taking some small steps with my mom's chemo 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:44.720 where she's taking a break from chemo for a couple 0:02:44.760 --> 0:02:45.240 of weeks. 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:47.000 She fail. 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:48.880 I hope, Mommy, I'm sorry, I'm telling your business, but 0:02:48.919 --> 0:02:51.639 she fail. We were walking in the house the week 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:53.200 before last getting as I E. 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:54.920 Bowls, and I was like, oh, I should have been 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:55.600 walking with her. 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:58.920 But there are these things we do around control where 0:02:58.919 --> 0:03:01.480 we think that that control role is the same as safety, 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:05.240 and really that form of safety is illusory. And then 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:07.320 does that mean that the type of peace that we 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:10.960 lean up up against is also illusory? And so then 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:14.280 the question becomes what really is safety and what really 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:18.639 is peace? And how can you really, you know, from 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:21.840 the biblical concept, guard your mind when all of the 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:25.880 people and the things and the places and every other 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:31.600 type of nown you lean up against is compromised or. 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:35.920 Destroyed or whatever. 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:38.080 And I think there's just something about that that is 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:41.880 really deeply unsettling for me, and I think from a 0:03:41.920 --> 0:03:47.200 psychological standpoint, this week it just came to a head, 0:03:47.360 --> 0:03:49.320 like it's like like I'm supposed to be able to 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:52.840 count on you, you know, or like how betrayal feels it. 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:56.040 I just feel like we're being betrayed on every side, 0:03:56.320 --> 0:03:59.360 and that of course conflicts with my with what I 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:00.520 think safety in peace. 0:04:02.480 --> 0:04:06.200 Yeah, you know, the enemy Angela's I know, you know, 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:09.000 you know, the warfare is in the spirit and in 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:13.640 the mind, right if if if, if, if we can 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:16.960 be if we if our mind can be overcome, which 0:04:17.000 --> 0:04:20.719 obviously I find sort of fine sibling to the spirit. Right, 0:04:20.800 --> 0:04:23.960 I do have thoughtful mind by which you know things 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:27.560 have vetted through. We all do. But also my mind 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:30.400 is very much so connected to my spirit. Right, what 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:35.240 I'm thinking about manifests itself, you know, then in a 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:39.680 spiritual form and then this metaphysical and then the physical 0:04:39.720 --> 0:04:42.840 form it shows up, right, and the way we stop eating, 0:04:43.360 --> 0:04:45.560 and the way in which we present, and you know, 0:04:46.279 --> 0:04:51.200 throughout our best efforts still gets sort of dragged into 0:04:51.200 --> 0:04:55.280 the place where we don't want to portray ourselves as right, 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:59.080 especially Angela, as you are so often and the lead 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:03.760 in so many plays, So your comportment and how you 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:08.679 present often becomes what others then adopt. Right, It gives 0:05:08.720 --> 0:05:12.839 them courage, It stiffens their spine. And the truth is 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:15.880 is like that's a weight too heavy for any one 0:05:16.000 --> 0:05:21.520 person to be three sixty five twenty four seven period. 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:24.200 I know I felt it in my own life. I 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.440 know on the listener side, because they give us feedback, 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:30.800 I know that they feel it, and I I don't know. 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:33.479 I don't know about how you cope with it, Tiff 0:05:33.640 --> 0:05:38.080 and you Angela. But a practice that at least I've 0:05:38.120 --> 0:05:43.840 come into more regular interaction with is grace, like the 0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:48.200 backing off the judgment of myself what I did, How 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:50.120 this could have been managed? How d da da da 0:05:50.160 --> 0:05:53.480 da dad? To read the constant replaying and replaying and 0:05:53.520 --> 0:05:57.680 rewinding that you know, spin rent cycle, you know that 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:02.000 we're often on around these incidences is just robbing us 0:06:02.000 --> 0:06:06.400 of so much. And if some you know, wouldn't we 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:10.080 all love if somebody gave us the secret route around? 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:12.760 And I think part of the secret route around is 0:06:12.839 --> 0:06:18.600 like those things are insignificant to the bigger and that 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.680 if we could, if we could stay our mind and 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:26.039 our spirit on this bigger thing and remove all of 0:06:26.080 --> 0:06:32.440 these obstructions that are really designed to keep us from 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:37.320 the promise, how much better it would In the long 0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:39.400 run be and that's a hard thing to accomplish when 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:43.600 you're in the in the flow of it. So experiencing 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.559 the flow as a good person and a good friend 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:51.080 of both of us once said Angela that it doesn't 0:06:51.080 --> 0:06:54.800 mean that we don't get impacted by those things. Those 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:59.240 things will still impact us. What we're hopeful for is that, 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:04.719 through our earned wisdom and lived experience, that our recovery 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.520 time will be quicker. So the thing that used to 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.240 put me out for a week now puts me out 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:15.360 for an hour, and then I'm recovered, and I'm now 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.680 putting into place the practices that get me back on 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:21.360 mine rather than off kilter. I'm now back on kilter. 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:23.960 So it's not the promise isn't that you won't get 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:29.960 off kilter. The promise is that you hope that the 0:07:30.040 --> 0:07:34.360 next time you're off, your ability to respond and to 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:38.400 get back on becomes that much more quicker than it 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:41.920 was before, ultimately to the point where the stuff that 0:07:42.040 --> 0:07:44.680 used to move you in those ways that used to 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:49.680 throw you off don't even didn't pierce you anymore. That's 0:07:49.680 --> 0:07:53.560 what I'm practicing and experimenting with is just the idea 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:55.680 of how do I put the things that I know 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:59.160 that I know that I know can work when practiced, 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:04.240 and practice cansistently when that becomes part of my default, 0:08:04.960 --> 0:08:07.880 rather than me having to reach for it and find 0:08:07.920 --> 0:08:10.480 it every time, when it's becomes part of my natural 0:08:10.560 --> 0:08:14.160 default such to the point that I can't get thrown 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:17.560 the way that I was throw before. A different thing 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:20.760 is happening in me now, and therefore my ability to 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:22.920 put it all back together is going to be that 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:25.880 much quicker than it was before, and so on and 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:26.440 so forth. 0:08:28.000 --> 0:08:31.320 Well, thank you Angela for sharing that, because I think 0:08:32.080 --> 0:08:35.360 it's such an example that it makes me feel less 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:38.240 alone on the island, and I hope it makes our viewers, 0:08:38.280 --> 0:08:41.920 our our our audience feel less alone. I talked a 0:08:41.960 --> 0:08:46.200 bit last week about this immersive therapy that I did, 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:49.120 and I'm sharing that because I don't want people to think. 0:08:49.200 --> 0:08:51.439 You know, sometimes you hear people where they're like, I've 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:54.679 achieved this nirvana and you know, I've gotten here, and 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:57.800 I would wonder like, but how like what specifically? And 0:08:57.840 --> 0:09:01.800 it's like, oh, I did daily meditation, and you know, yes, 0:09:02.360 --> 0:09:05.920 I have tried those things, but this was a chemically 0:09:06.160 --> 0:09:10.960 immersive therapy session. I won't say too much about it 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:14.280 because I don't want to encourage or discourage anything. 0:09:14.400 --> 0:09:15.520 But it is. 0:09:17.520 --> 0:09:23.160 In trials places and if you all follow, like Sonzi 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:25.200 gup Or, I've been reading about things, there are different 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:29.160 things that people have tried to almost rewire your brain. 0:09:29.920 --> 0:09:32.440 So I did that level of immersive therapy. And the 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:36.960 reason I did is because I felt anxious. I felt 0:09:38.240 --> 0:09:40.960 a sadness that was in the depths of my spirit. 0:09:42.000 --> 0:09:44.679 It wasn't in this human body. It was like in 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:48.560 my spirit that I still feel it, and I wanted 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:50.520 to try to go inward and pierce that. And so 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:53.760 when I hear you talk Angela about any one of 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:57.200 the things that I personally know that you're dealing with, 0:09:57.240 --> 0:10:00.520 would command all my attention and my energy. I could not, 0:10:01.000 --> 0:10:04.560 you know, juggle some of those things. And you know 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:07.480 how I feel about just mothers and navigating all of that. 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:11.520 And I've dealt with my mother, you know, battling cancer, 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:16.320 and it just it stills you in such a way. 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:22.559 It's just hard to explain if people haven't gone through that. 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:26.720 To see your mother in pain or see your mother 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:28.840 going through things, I mean, it is just something that 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.960 changes the fabric of who you are as a woman 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:41.040 between mother and daughter, so I know what you feel. 0:10:42.880 --> 0:10:47.680 Even the memory of that just breaks my heart. So 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:53.120 I'll say that and I think about the days will 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:59.120 come that my mom is not with me. That thought 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:03.360 breaks me and I won't be right for a while. 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.440 I'm just telling y'all, I will not be right at all. 0:11:08.360 --> 0:11:14.240 And so when I think about that, it just consumes 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:18.280 my spirit, like really, everything in me. Send at her 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:24.360 bedside broke me. It changed me forever. My mom and 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:29.040 I have a challenging relationship, as I've talked about, but 0:11:29.760 --> 0:11:32.640 we after that, I just felt like there's not going 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:34.840 to come a time where I don't speak to my mom, 0:11:35.120 --> 0:11:38.120 you know, like it's just this time here is too brief. 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:41.040 What I took away in this immersive therapy, and that 0:11:41.200 --> 0:11:43.040 will I will tell you about offline because if you 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.560 want to try it, I'm happy to have it. 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:46.439 It makes life. 0:11:46.480 --> 0:11:48.640 See, this is what I'm talking about, Like politics seems 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:51.960 so little to me. It just doesn't. It can't command 0:11:52.040 --> 0:11:54.720 my attention in the same way. Whatever is happening here 0:11:54.800 --> 0:11:56.880 right now can't command my attention in the same way 0:11:56.880 --> 0:12:01.040 because it's like this brief life expirit it's so quick, 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:08.360 you know, it's so fleeting, and I can't I can't 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:12.840 connect with things the same way it is. I saw 0:12:13.000 --> 0:12:17.520 my spirit inhabit this human body. And so if you 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:20.200 take you Angela, and it's like you lose your limbs, 0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:23.440 you lose your all, your all, your limbs, you lose 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:26.400 your hair, you lose your eyelashes. Are you any less Angela? 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:29.200 So then what is the thing that makes Angela Angela? 0:12:30.280 --> 0:12:35.760 It's that spirit and that is the most present thing 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:40.800 that we have to protect. And so for me, I 0:12:40.880 --> 0:12:43.640 have made the decision to walk away from things, to 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:46.839 walk away from people, to walk away from situations and 0:12:46.880 --> 0:12:50.880 feelings with a lightness. And even now this sadness, it's 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:51.600 a heaviness. 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:52.600 But I don't know. 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:57.280 I just feel like, oh, it's time for sadness. Now, Okay, sadness, 0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:00.520 I welcome you. I will feel this, I will let 0:13:00.520 --> 0:13:03.679 these tears flow, and then sadness will leave and I 0:13:03.720 --> 0:13:06.840 can say I'll see you again soon, and it's okay. 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:11.520 So I can't explain how navigating that is, but I 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:14.440 just want you to know I understand. 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:20.640 Yeah, I'm grateful for your share, Tiff. I think there 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:22.720 are a lot of therapies now that people do. Some 0:13:23.000 --> 0:13:29.840 are more welcomed and received in like different parts of 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:31.960 the country or different parts of the world, including like 0:13:32.040 --> 0:13:35.240 in South America that people go and especially from here, 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:40.360 fly to do ayahuasca journeys. In South America. There's something 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:44.280 called bouffo, which is toad medicine. There's and then there's 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:49.760 something where they think it's like the traditional toad medicine. 0:13:49.800 --> 0:13:52.200 It's like they scrape the top layer of toad. People 0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:56.440 smoke it. It's called boo. There's mushrooms people, do you 0:13:56.480 --> 0:13:59.840 know there's some some states. Yeah, there's of states that 0:13:59.880 --> 0:14:03.720 are there are states that are now approving the use 0:14:03.920 --> 0:14:09.000 of psychedelic mushrooms or psilocybin to help aid people in 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:10.160 overcoming depression. 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:11.760 It works. 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:14.640 And so the other thing I would say is there's 0:14:14.640 --> 0:14:18.160 also a more chemical form of those treatments called ketamine, 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:21.000 and people are also using those therapies as well as 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:24.480 guided by psychologists. And what I would tell you guys 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:29.160 is sometimes in order to protect your peace, you first 0:14:29.200 --> 0:14:32.120 have to find it. You might have got lost along 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:36.080 the way, the foundation may have been disrupted, whatever it is. 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.440 But I think this week what I realized what I 0:14:38.520 --> 0:14:40.520 cried about. What I screamed about is I was like, 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:44.720 how did I let myself get so far outside of 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:48.280 my piece? Why did I allow that detachment to ever 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:52.240 take place? And so then there's this guilt that you 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:55.200 go through, and then you have to like, well, hopefully 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:57.280 we can get to the place where we say, Okay, 0:14:57.880 --> 0:14:58.960 you did the best you could. 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:00.880 I'm just going you where we are. 0:15:01.120 --> 0:15:03.360 But when I tell y'all, I have never I can't 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:06.480 think of a time why I've ever felt so far 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:10.240 outside of my body. I was like, I got we 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:13.440 gotta reconnect, Like I don't know what happened. So that's 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:15.400 why I was saying when we were talking about the 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:19.640 shooting last week, there was a grief for me. 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:22.280 But the grief for me was like, how. 0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:24.840 Could our people have poured so much into this country 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:29.440 to still be so violently attacked, to still be called 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:31.600 everything but a child of God, to still be trying 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:36.000 to find ways to disqualify our humanity. And I just 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:39.240 there's something about it that's maddening to me in this moment, 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:42.520 because of course we always know that there are people 0:15:43.000 --> 0:15:44.960 that think that way, but I just didn't think it 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:46.920 was going to take such a foothold, and then I'm 0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:48.360 mad at myself that I didn't think it was going 0:15:48.440 --> 0:15:50.280 to take such a foothold, so there would be these 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:53.240 I was just in these psychological loops where I'm like, well. 0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:54.440 Of course it's that, but well, why did you not 0:15:54.480 --> 0:15:55.320 think that was gonna happen? 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.080 Well, of course, you know, So it was like that, 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:58.800 and I think I just got to a point where 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:02.760 I was like, ah, and I literally I am embarrassed 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:05.880 that this is not a could or laryngitis. 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:07.400 This bitch was screaming. 0:16:07.480 --> 0:16:11.800 I screamed my whole asshah, to the point where it 0:16:11.840 --> 0:16:15.280 sounds like this you scrumped, and I just I scrumpled. 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:26.760 But it's can I ask, though, because I when I 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.840 get to a breaking point, it is rarely what is 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:35.280 happening in like Charlie Kirk is not going to be 0:16:35.320 --> 0:16:37.880 the thing that gets me to my breaking point. 0:16:38.080 --> 0:16:38.280 You know. 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:42.760 It is it is like my mom, you know, it 0:16:42.920 --> 0:16:47.120 is family, It is my personal relationships, It is my career, 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:52.040 It is my own self worth and value, like it 0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:54.720 is the compression of all those things. And I'm just 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:57.240 thinking about what so many black women are going through 0:16:57.280 --> 0:17:02.080 right now, being jobless without an income, raising kids without 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:06.560 an income, trying to figure out not even retirement, trying 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:11.280 to figure out next week, and especially who they're targeting, 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:13.800 like you were the one who made it right, and 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:16.720 so you still have family coming and you saying I want, 0:17:16.760 --> 0:17:20.440 I need, can you would you mind? And you are 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:23.359 depleting your own savings trying to make sure other people 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:28.080 are okay, while everyone around you, not everyone, but everyone 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:31.359 in this ruling class around you is somehow communicating to 0:17:31.400 --> 0:17:34.200 you that you don't belong, that you're not about them, 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:37.600 that you are in fact unworthy. So the innermost trauma 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:41.200 that you spent your whole life trying to unlearn by 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:44.960 getting the highest degree possible, by earning the six and 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:50.600 seven figures, by wearing the Sergio Hudson, by taking the 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:53.800 international trips, doing all those things, and then the world 0:17:53.800 --> 0:17:58.280 comes along and disrupts that at that moment, like that 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:01.760 is a breaking point, And I wonder, are we breaking 0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:07.399 this earthly shell and letting our spirits float, or are 0:18:07.480 --> 0:18:10.520 we letting them break our spirits? And sometimes for me 0:18:10.880 --> 0:18:13.760 it is my spirit is breaking, because even my own 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:15.880 when it comes to issues. I'm writing about this as 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:18.439 you all know, when it comes to issues of my 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:22.680 value and my self worth. It's not like what white 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:25.840 women talk about like, it's very different. It is different 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:29.840 when a black woman questions her value and her self 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:34.480 worth because there actually are people telling us our entire 0:18:34.600 --> 0:18:39.680 lives that we have no value. When I question if 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:44.480 I'm welcome somewhere, it's not what other people go through. 0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:47.639 It's like, no, yes, I have questioned in my childhood 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:52.200 if I were welcome different places in home and schools. Yes, 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:55.520 but this country has told me I am not welcome. 0:18:56.040 --> 0:19:00.000 And black kids every day walk through neighborhood where they're 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:02.840 told they're not welcome. They're told they're not welcome by 0:19:02.840 --> 0:19:06.320 the dilapidated school they go to, they're told they're not 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:10.960 valued by the red lines and wrote down community. And 0:19:11.000 --> 0:19:13.520 then when white people move in and things start to change, 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:15.919 and they think, oh, but white people came and the 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:18.320 goodness came. What does that doing to the psyche of 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:20.399 that child? And I just think about all these things 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:25.320 that we carry as adults through childhood, generational trauma. ANDELI 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:30.119 You've talked about that. I just I just feel like 0:19:30.240 --> 0:19:35.400 that is the breaking point. Can you outside of Charlie Kirk, 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:39.240 whatever you feel comfortable sharing what are the things that 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:41.840 lead to your breaking point? 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:46.240 Yeah, And I'm so sorry if it sounded like I 0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:50.879 was saying Charlie Kirk. What I was saying is the 0:19:50.920 --> 0:19:54.880 people's response to us as if we had caused any 0:19:55.000 --> 0:19:57.600 of the harm, which it was just I felt it 0:19:57.640 --> 0:20:02.240 took me right back into black history. There was a 0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:07.760 brother I met last week, a Muslim brother who was 0:20:07.840 --> 0:20:09.639 found dead shortly after our meeting. 0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:10.399 That shook me. 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:14.440 The number of people that needed some type of crisis 0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:17.960 support or response based on things they didn't do when 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:19.640 they were just trying to do the right thing. 0:20:19.720 --> 0:20:20.359 That shook me. 0:20:21.760 --> 0:20:25.760 Just some personal conflict that came up that felt really, 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:27.159 you know, awful. 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:29.720 And like, you know, what did I do to deserve this? 0:20:31.080 --> 0:20:32.240 Shook me and hurt. 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:36.000 And I think that there are things where, you know, 0:20:36.080 --> 0:20:40.359 I have an expectation that the people who loved me 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:43.560 and who are closest to me and friends, family, et cetera, 0:20:45.000 --> 0:20:46.960 have some type of grace for what I'm trying to 0:20:46.960 --> 0:20:48.920 do right now, which is like I'm just trying to 0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:51.080 be obedient to the call, and I'm not quite sure 0:20:51.760 --> 0:20:54.080 all of the what the pillars are of that call. 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:58.200 But when I feel misunderstood or misrepresented by those closest 0:20:58.200 --> 0:21:01.960 to me. That really hurts and feels like betrayal. And 0:21:02.040 --> 0:21:05.320 I hate being lied too, in lied on. So I 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:07.600 think it's, you know, the convergence of all those things 0:21:07.600 --> 0:21:10.720 that once for me is never the one thing either. Netta, 0:21:10.840 --> 0:21:13.919 my best friendly Nea always says like, you know, you 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:15.919 don't have to wait till all of it hits the 0:21:15.960 --> 0:21:19.080 fan to come tell us, And I'm like, yeah, I don't, 0:21:19.080 --> 0:21:21.800 but I don't really even realize that stuff is hitting 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:23.919 the fan and tell us nineteen things in there, and 0:21:23.960 --> 0:21:27.680 I'm like, wait, you know, in complete overwhelm. It takes 0:21:27.760 --> 0:21:29.919 me to complete overwhelm before I have to say anything 0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:36.480 about help, you know, So hopefully that makes some sense. 0:21:37.560 --> 0:21:42.240 But yeah, I mean there's economic pressures, there's psychological pressures. 0:21:42.280 --> 0:21:44.800 There's the gas lighting that is on a micro and 0:21:44.840 --> 0:21:50.040 a macro level. There is you know, I mean, all 0:21:50.080 --> 0:21:52.960 of my former bosses who are getting challenged their seats 0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:56.240 getting challenged in Congress so they can say this might 0:21:56.240 --> 0:21:58.560 have been the largest congressional Black caucus ever, but we 0:21:58.640 --> 0:22:00.640 about to make as small as was and when y'all 0:22:00.640 --> 0:22:03.639 founded it, Like, I don't under they're just things that 0:22:03.680 --> 0:22:05.800 I don't understand. So it's like, oh, we're just gonna 0:22:05.800 --> 0:22:07.680 wait till the midterms, Well do you know who gonna 0:22:07.720 --> 0:22:10.600 represent you when the midterms are over? You know, like 0:22:10.680 --> 0:22:13.119 do you really even understand who's gonna be there. So 0:22:13.160 --> 0:22:15.560 there are things that, yes, they are political, but they're 0:22:15.560 --> 0:22:18.760 also an assault on black people that I just am 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:21.200 holding like how dare y'all? 0:22:21.320 --> 0:22:22.840 And I feel enraged. 0:22:22.920 --> 0:22:25.600 I feel like, you know, maybe there's some way about 0:22:25.600 --> 0:22:27.720 the fight that I didn't go right, go go about 0:22:27.720 --> 0:22:29.200 it right, and I you know, want. 0:22:29.000 --> 0:22:30.639 To study, like how do we get better? How do 0:22:30.680 --> 0:22:31.240 we sharpen? 0:22:31.880 --> 0:22:34.440 You know, the conversations that we have even about the podcast, 0:22:34.520 --> 0:22:36.199 like what can we do differently? I'm like, tell us, 0:22:36.320 --> 0:22:38.800 let's grow, let's get better, because I think that there 0:22:38.840 --> 0:22:41.600 are people we could save lives, you know, we can 0:22:41.720 --> 0:22:45.280 we can provide an opportunity for somebody to have more hope, 0:22:45.400 --> 0:22:48.040 to realize it's gonna be okay or not, and figure 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:52.119 out how we survive it even when it's horrible. I 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:54.120 just I feel a lot of pressure and I think 0:22:54.160 --> 0:22:56.760 that the you know, maybe the Damns broke. 0:22:56.880 --> 0:22:58.119 I don't know where are you? 0:22:58.200 --> 0:23:02.719 Andrew because sometimes you come in very professorial, and you know, 0:23:02.800 --> 0:23:06.240