Speaker 1: Native Lamppod is a production of iHeartRadio in partnership with
Speaker 1: Reezon Choice Media.
Speaker 2: Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, welcome, welcome, Welcome, all.
Speaker 3: Right, welcome, welcome, Welcome to your Native lamp Pod family.
Speaker 3: We are here with this week's mini pod. Where we
Speaker 3: ended this week's episode, we were doing our calls to
Speaker 3: action as we typically do at the end of our show,
Speaker 3: and we got over to our sister Angela's call to
Speaker 3: action and notice that something has been stirring in her
Speaker 3: soul a little bit. And so as we thought about
Speaker 3: what topic to platform for this week's mini pod, we
Speaker 3: thought that maybe Angela, you might be able to toss
Speaker 3: the topic out as you as you deal with what
Speaker 3: was stirring in you, that might stir in us as well.
Speaker 4: Well. Thank you, guys.
Speaker 1: I want to apologize as I did not expect to
Speaker 1: be as overcome by emotion. Y'all know I can cry
Speaker 1: about anything and will, but it was to the point
Speaker 1: where I couldn't really.
Speaker 4: Get it out.
Speaker 1: And I think the convergence of the personal with the professional,
Speaker 1: with the societal and all that makes that psychological just
Speaker 1: you know, it hits walls. And then there's a point where,
Speaker 1: like there's some little microscopic leaks in the dam, and
Speaker 1: then those leaks become bigger and then there's the floodgates open.
Speaker 1: And so I spent probably I had three like therapy
Speaker 1: appointments within a twenty four hour period this week and
Speaker 1: really just trying to wrap my mind around that everything
Speaker 1: that's happening. But I had, like I don't know if
Speaker 1: you guys have ever done like tapping or therapy where
Speaker 1: they encourage you to like scream into a pillow. And
Speaker 1: I didn't scream into a pillow. I was in the
Speaker 1: mirror in the bathroom and just like was feeling like
Speaker 1: I was breaking. And then I was mad at myself
Speaker 1: because I immediately knew. I was like, goddamn it, now
Speaker 1: you hurt yourself, you know, like I knew, like it
Speaker 1: was so like the thing that's supposed to provide relief
Speaker 1: also caused harm.
Speaker 4: And so where you're in this environment where.
Speaker 1: The things that you typically would go to, the places
Speaker 1: that you would go, the people you would speak to,
Speaker 1: the programs that you would watch, the spots lives in DC,
Speaker 1: the spots where you would normally go that are safe,
Speaker 1: all of that is ruptured. All of that is in
Speaker 1: upheaval and so having the control issues that I have
Speaker 1: not being able to provide safety there, you know, again,
Speaker 1: like we're taking some small steps with my mom's chemo
Speaker 1: where she's taking a break from chemo for a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks.
Speaker 4: She fail.
Speaker 1: I hope, Mommy, I'm sorry, I'm telling your business, but
Speaker 1: she fail. We were walking in the house the week
Speaker 1: before last getting as I E.
Speaker 4: Bowls, and I was like, oh, I should have been
Speaker 4: walking with her.
Speaker 1: But there are these things we do around control where
Speaker 1: we think that that control role is the same as safety,
Speaker 1: and really that form of safety is illusory. And then
Speaker 1: does that mean that the type of peace that we
Speaker 1: lean up up against is also illusory? And so then
Speaker 1: the question becomes what really is safety and what really
Speaker 1: is peace? And how can you really, you know, from
Speaker 1: the biblical concept, guard your mind when all of the
Speaker 1: people and the things and the places and every other
Speaker 1: type of nown you lean up against is compromised or.
Speaker 4: Destroyed or whatever.
Speaker 1: And I think there's just something about that that is
Speaker 1: really deeply unsettling for me, and I think from a
Speaker 1: psychological standpoint, this week it just came to a head,
Speaker 1: like it's like like I'm supposed to be able to
Speaker 1: count on you, you know, or like how betrayal feels it.
Speaker 1: I just feel like we're being betrayed on every side,
Speaker 1: and that of course conflicts with my with what I
Speaker 1: think safety in peace.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, the enemy Angela's I know, you know,
Speaker 3: you know, the warfare is in the spirit and in
Speaker 3: the mind, right if if if, if, if we can
Speaker 3: be if we if our mind can be overcome, which
Speaker 3: obviously I find sort of fine sibling to the spirit. Right,
Speaker 3: I do have thoughtful mind by which you know things
Speaker 3: have vetted through. We all do. But also my mind
Speaker 3: is very much so connected to my spirit. Right, what
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about manifests itself, you know, then in a
Speaker 3: spiritual form and then this metaphysical and then the physical
Speaker 3: form it shows up, right, and the way we stop eating,
Speaker 3: and the way in which we present, and you know,
Speaker 3: throughout our best efforts still gets sort of dragged into
Speaker 3: the place where we don't want to portray ourselves as right,
Speaker 3: especially Angela, as you are so often and the lead
Speaker 3: in so many plays, So your comportment and how you
Speaker 3: present often becomes what others then adopt. Right, It gives
Speaker 3: them courage, It stiffens their spine. And the truth is
Speaker 3: is like that's a weight too heavy for any one
Speaker 3: person to be three sixty five twenty four seven period.
Speaker 3: I know I felt it in my own life. I
Speaker 3: know on the listener side, because they give us feedback,
Speaker 3: I know that they feel it, and I I don't know.
Speaker 3: I don't know about how you cope with it, Tiff
Speaker 3: and you Angela. But a practice that at least I've
Speaker 3: come into more regular interaction with is grace, like the
Speaker 3: backing off the judgment of myself what I did, How
Speaker 3: this could have been managed? How d da da da
Speaker 3: da dad? To read the constant replaying and replaying and
Speaker 3: rewinding that you know, spin rent cycle, you know that
Speaker 3: we're often on around these incidences is just robbing us
Speaker 3: of so much. And if some you know, wouldn't we
Speaker 3: all love if somebody gave us the secret route around?
Speaker 3: And I think part of the secret route around is
Speaker 3: like those things are insignificant to the bigger and that
Speaker 3: if we could, if we could stay our mind and
Speaker 3: our spirit on this bigger thing and remove all of
Speaker 3: these obstructions that are really designed to keep us from
Speaker 3: the promise, how much better it would In the long
Speaker 3: run be and that's a hard thing to accomplish when
Speaker 3: you're in the in the flow of it. So experiencing
Speaker 3: the flow as a good person and a good friend
Speaker 3: of both of us once said Angela that it doesn't
Speaker 3: mean that we don't get impacted by those things. Those
Speaker 3: things will still impact us. What we're hopeful for is that,
Speaker 3: through our earned wisdom and lived experience, that our recovery
Speaker 3: time will be quicker. So the thing that used to
Speaker 3: put me out for a week now puts me out
Speaker 3: for an hour, and then I'm recovered, and I'm now
Speaker 3: putting into place the practices that get me back on
Speaker 3: mine rather than off kilter. I'm now back on kilter.
Speaker 3: So it's not the promise isn't that you won't get
Speaker 3: off kilter. The promise is that you hope that the
Speaker 3: next time you're off, your ability to respond and to
Speaker 3: get back on becomes that much more quicker than it
Speaker 3: was before, ultimately to the point where the stuff that
Speaker 3: used to move you in those ways that used to
Speaker 3: throw you off don't even didn't pierce you anymore. That's
Speaker 3: what I'm practicing and experimenting with is just the idea
Speaker 3: of how do I put the things that I know
Speaker 3: that I know that I know can work when practiced,
Speaker 3: and practice cansistently when that becomes part of my default,
Speaker 3: rather than me having to reach for it and find
Speaker 3: it every time, when it's becomes part of my natural
Speaker 3: default such to the point that I can't get thrown
Speaker 3: the way that I was throw before. A different thing
Speaker 3: is happening in me now, and therefore my ability to
Speaker 3: put it all back together is going to be that
Speaker 3: much quicker than it was before, and so on and
Speaker 3: so forth.
Speaker 2: Well, thank you Angela for sharing that, because I think
Speaker 2: it's such an example that it makes me feel less
Speaker 2: alone on the island, and I hope it makes our viewers,
Speaker 2: our our our audience feel less alone. I talked a
Speaker 2: bit last week about this immersive therapy that I did,
Speaker 2: and I'm sharing that because I don't want people to think.
Speaker 2: You know, sometimes you hear people where they're like, I've
Speaker 2: achieved this nirvana and you know, I've gotten here, and
Speaker 2: I would wonder like, but how like what specifically? And
Speaker 2: it's like, oh, I did daily meditation, and you know, yes,
Speaker 2: I have tried those things, but this was a chemically
Speaker 2: immersive therapy session. I won't say too much about it
Speaker 2: because I don't want to encourage or discourage anything.
Speaker 4: But it is.
Speaker 2: In trials places and if you all follow, like Sonzi
Speaker 2: gup Or, I've been reading about things, there are different
Speaker 2: things that people have tried to almost rewire your brain.
Speaker 2: So I did that level of immersive therapy. And the
Speaker 2: reason I did is because I felt anxious. I felt
Speaker 2: a sadness that was in the depths of my spirit.
Speaker 2: It wasn't in this human body. It was like in
Speaker 2: my spirit that I still feel it, and I wanted
Speaker 2: to try to go inward and pierce that. And so
Speaker 2: when I hear you talk Angela about any one of
Speaker 2: the things that I personally know that you're dealing with,
Speaker 2: would command all my attention and my energy. I could not,
Speaker 2: you know, juggle some of those things. And you know
Speaker 2: how I feel about just mothers and navigating all of that.
Speaker 2: And I've dealt with my mother, you know, battling cancer,
Speaker 2: and it just it stills you in such a way.
Speaker 2: It's just hard to explain if people haven't gone through that.
Speaker 2: To see your mother in pain or see your mother
Speaker 2: going through things, I mean, it is just something that
Speaker 2: changes the fabric of who you are as a woman
Speaker 2: between mother and daughter, so I know what you feel.
Speaker 2: Even the memory of that just breaks my heart. So
Speaker 2: I'll say that and I think about the days will
Speaker 2: come that my mom is not with me. That thought
Speaker 2: breaks me and I won't be right for a while.
Speaker 2: I'm just telling y'all, I will not be right at all.
Speaker 2: And so when I think about that, it just consumes
Speaker 2: my spirit, like really, everything in me. Send at her
Speaker 2: bedside broke me. It changed me forever. My mom and
Speaker 2: I have a challenging relationship, as I've talked about, but
Speaker 2: we after that, I just felt like there's not going
Speaker 2: to come a time where I don't speak to my mom,
Speaker 2: you know, like it's just this time here is too brief.
Speaker 2: What I took away in this immersive therapy, and that
Speaker 2: will I will tell you about offline because if you
Speaker 2: want to try it, I'm happy to have it.
Speaker 4: It makes life.
Speaker 2: See, this is what I'm talking about, Like politics seems
Speaker 2: so little to me. It just doesn't. It can't command
Speaker 2: my attention in the same way. Whatever is happening here
Speaker 2: right now can't command my attention in the same way
Speaker 2: because it's like this brief life expirit it's so quick,
Speaker 2: you know, it's so fleeting, and I can't I can't
Speaker 2: connect with things the same way it is. I saw
Speaker 2: my spirit inhabit this human body. And so if you
Speaker 2: take you Angela, and it's like you lose your limbs,
Speaker 2: you lose your all, your all, your limbs, you lose
Speaker 2: your hair, you lose your eyelashes. Are you any less Angela?
Speaker 2: So then what is the thing that makes Angela Angela?
Speaker 2: It's that spirit and that is the most present thing
Speaker 2: that we have to protect. And so for me, I
Speaker 2: have made the decision to walk away from things, to
Speaker 2: walk away from people, to walk away from situations and
Speaker 2: feelings with a lightness. And even now this sadness, it's
Speaker 2: a heaviness.
Speaker 4: But I don't know.
Speaker 2: I just feel like, oh, it's time for sadness. Now, Okay, sadness,
Speaker 2: I welcome you. I will feel this, I will let
Speaker 2: these tears flow, and then sadness will leave and I
Speaker 2: can say I'll see you again soon, and it's okay.
Speaker 2: So I can't explain how navigating that is, but I
Speaker 2: just want you to know I understand.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm grateful for your share, Tiff. I think there
Speaker 1: are a lot of therapies now that people do. Some
Speaker 1: are more welcomed and received in like different parts of
Speaker 1: the country or different parts of the world, including like
Speaker 1: in South America that people go and especially from here,
Speaker 1: fly to do ayahuasca journeys. In South America. There's something
Speaker 1: called bouffo, which is toad medicine. There's and then there's
Speaker 1: something where they think it's like the traditional toad medicine.
Speaker 1: It's like they scrape the top layer of toad. People
Speaker 1: smoke it. It's called boo. There's mushrooms people, do you
Speaker 1: know there's some some states. Yeah, there's of states that
Speaker 1: are there are states that are now approving the use
Speaker 1: of psychedelic mushrooms or psilocybin to help aid people in
Speaker 1: overcoming depression.
Speaker 4: It works.
Speaker 1: And so the other thing I would say is there's
Speaker 1: also a more chemical form of those treatments called ketamine,
Speaker 1: and people are also using those therapies as well as
Speaker 1: guided by psychologists. And what I would tell you guys
Speaker 1: is sometimes in order to protect your peace, you first
Speaker 1: have to find it. You might have got lost along
Speaker 1: the way, the foundation may have been disrupted, whatever it is.
Speaker 1: But I think this week what I realized what I
Speaker 1: cried about. What I screamed about is I was like,
Speaker 1: how did I let myself get so far outside of
Speaker 1: my piece? Why did I allow that detachment to ever
Speaker 1: take place? And so then there's this guilt that you
Speaker 1: go through, and then you have to like, well, hopefully
Speaker 1: we can get to the place where we say, Okay,
Speaker 1: you did the best you could.
Speaker 4: I'm just going you where we are.
Speaker 1: But when I tell y'all, I have never I can't
Speaker 1: think of a time why I've ever felt so far
Speaker 1: outside of my body. I was like, I got we
Speaker 1: gotta reconnect, Like I don't know what happened. So that's
Speaker 1: why I was saying when we were talking about the
Speaker 1: shooting last week, there was a grief for me.
Speaker 4: But the grief for me was like, how.
Speaker 1: Could our people have poured so much into this country
Speaker 1: to still be so violently attacked, to still be called
Speaker 1: everything but a child of God, to still be trying
Speaker 1: to find ways to disqualify our humanity. And I just
Speaker 1: there's something about it that's maddening to me in this moment,
Speaker 1: because of course we always know that there are people
Speaker 1: that think that way, but I just didn't think it
Speaker 1: was going to take such a foothold, and then I'm
Speaker 1: mad at myself that I didn't think it was going
Speaker 1: to take such a foothold, so there would be these
Speaker 1: I was just in these psychological loops where I'm like, well.
Speaker 4: Of course it's that, but well, why did you not
Speaker 4: think that was gonna happen?
Speaker 1: Well, of course, you know, So it was like that,
Speaker 1: and I think I just got to a point where
Speaker 1: I was like, ah, and I literally I am embarrassed
Speaker 1: that this is not a could or laryngitis.
Speaker 4: This bitch was screaming.
Speaker 1: I screamed my whole asshah, to the point where it
Speaker 1: sounds like this you scrumped, and I just I scrumpled.
Speaker 1: But it's can I ask, though, because I when I
Speaker 1: get to a breaking point, it is rarely what is
Speaker 1: happening in like Charlie Kirk is not going to be
Speaker 1: the thing that gets me to my breaking point.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 2: It is it is like my mom, you know, it
Speaker 2: is family, It is my personal relationships, It is my career,
Speaker 2: It is my own self worth and value, like it
Speaker 2: is the compression of all those things. And I'm just
Speaker 2: thinking about what so many black women are going through
Speaker 2: right now, being jobless without an income, raising kids without
Speaker 2: an income, trying to figure out not even retirement, trying
Speaker 2: to figure out next week, and especially who they're targeting,
Speaker 2: like you were the one who made it right, and
Speaker 2: so you still have family coming and you saying I want,
Speaker 2: I need, can you would you mind? And you are
Speaker 2: depleting your own savings trying to make sure other people
Speaker 2: are okay, while everyone around you, not everyone, but everyone
Speaker 2: in this ruling class around you is somehow communicating to
Speaker 2: you that you don't belong, that you're not about them,
Speaker 2: that you are in fact unworthy. So the innermost trauma
Speaker 2: that you spent your whole life trying to unlearn by
Speaker 2: getting the highest degree possible, by earning the six and
Speaker 2: seven figures, by wearing the Sergio Hudson, by taking the
Speaker 2: international trips, doing all those things, and then the world
Speaker 2: comes along and disrupts that at that moment, like that
Speaker 2: is a breaking point, And I wonder, are we breaking
Speaker 2: this earthly shell and letting our spirits float, or are
Speaker 2: we letting them break our spirits? And sometimes for me
Speaker 2: it is my spirit is breaking, because even my own
Speaker 2: when it comes to issues. I'm writing about this as
Speaker 2: you all know, when it comes to issues of my
Speaker 2: value and my self worth. It's not like what white
Speaker 2: women talk about like, it's very different. It is different
Speaker 2: when a black woman questions her value and her self
Speaker 2: worth because there actually are people telling us our entire
Speaker 2: lives that we have no value. When I question if
Speaker 2: I'm welcome somewhere, it's not what other people go through.
Speaker 2: It's like, no, yes, I have questioned in my childhood
Speaker 2: if I were welcome different places in home and schools. Yes,
Speaker 2: but this country has told me I am not welcome.
Speaker 2: And black kids every day walk through neighborhood where they're
Speaker 2: told they're not welcome. They're told they're not welcome by
Speaker 2: the dilapidated school they go to, they're told they're not
Speaker 2: valued by the red lines and wrote down community. And
Speaker 2: then when white people move in and things start to change,
Speaker 2: and they think, oh, but white people came and the
Speaker 2: goodness came. What does that doing to the psyche of
Speaker 2: that child? And I just think about all these things
Speaker 2: that we carry as adults through childhood, generational trauma. ANDELI
Speaker 2: You've talked about that. I just I just feel like
Speaker 2: that is the breaking point. Can you outside of Charlie Kirk,
Speaker 2: whatever you feel comfortable sharing what are the things that
Speaker 2: lead to your breaking point?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I'm so sorry if it sounded like I
Speaker 1: was saying Charlie Kirk. What I was saying is the
Speaker 1: people's response to us as if we had caused any
Speaker 1: of the harm, which it was just I felt it
Speaker 1: took me right back into black history. There was a
Speaker 1: brother I met last week, a Muslim brother who was
Speaker 1: found dead shortly after our meeting.
Speaker 4: That shook me.
Speaker 1: The number of people that needed some type of crisis
Speaker 1: support or response based on things they didn't do when
Speaker 1: they were just trying to do the right thing.
Speaker 4: That shook me.
Speaker 1: Just some personal conflict that came up that felt really,
Speaker 1: you know, awful.
Speaker 4: And like, you know, what did I do to deserve this?
Speaker 4: Shook me and hurt.
Speaker 1: And I think that there are things where, you know,
Speaker 1: I have an expectation that the people who loved me
Speaker 1: and who are closest to me and friends, family, et cetera,
Speaker 1: have some type of grace for what I'm trying to
Speaker 1: do right now, which is like I'm just trying to
Speaker 1: be obedient to the call, and I'm not quite sure
Speaker 1: all of the what the pillars are of that call.
Speaker 1: But when I feel misunderstood or misrepresented by those closest
Speaker 1: to me. That really hurts and feels like betrayal. And
Speaker 1: I hate being lied too, in lied on. So I
Speaker 1: think it's, you know, the convergence of all those things
Speaker 1: that once for me is never the one thing either. Netta,
Speaker 1: my best friendly Nea always says like, you know, you
Speaker 1: don't have to wait till all of it hits the
Speaker 1: fan to come tell us, And I'm like, yeah, I don't,
Speaker 1: but I don't really even realize that stuff is hitting
Speaker 1: the fan and tell us nineteen things in there, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, wait, you know, in complete overwhelm. It takes
Speaker 1: me to complete overwhelm before I have to say anything
Speaker 1: about help, you know, So hopefully that makes some sense.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I mean there's economic pressures, there's psychological pressures.
Speaker 1: There's the gas lighting that is on a micro and
Speaker 1: a macro level. There is you know, I mean, all
Speaker 1: of my former bosses who are getting challenged their seats
Speaker 1: getting challenged in Congress so they can say this might
Speaker 1: have been the largest congressional Black caucus ever, but we
Speaker 1: about to make as small as was and when y'all
Speaker 1: founded it, Like, I don't under they're just things that
Speaker 1: I don't understand. So it's like, oh, we're just gonna
Speaker 1: wait till the midterms, Well do you know who gonna
Speaker 1: represent you when the midterms are over? You know, like
Speaker 1: do you really even understand who's gonna be there. So
Speaker 1: there are things that, yes, they are political, but they're
Speaker 1: also an assault on black people that I just am
Speaker 1: holding like how dare y'all?
Speaker 4: And I feel enraged.
Speaker 1: I feel like, you know, maybe there's some way about
Speaker 1: the fight that I didn't go right, go go about
Speaker 1: it right, and I you know, want.
Speaker 4: To study, like how do we get better? How do
Speaker 4: we sharpen?
Speaker 1: You know, the conversations that we have even about the podcast,
Speaker 1: like what can we do differently? I'm like, tell us,
Speaker 1: let's grow, let's get better, because I think that there
Speaker 1: are people we could save lives, you know, we can
Speaker 1: we can provide an opportunity for somebody to have more hope,
Speaker 1: to realize it's gonna be okay or not, and figure
Speaker 1: out how we survive it even when it's horrible. I
Speaker 1: just I feel a lot of pressure and I think
Speaker 1: that the you know, maybe the Damns broke.
Speaker 4: I don't know where are you?
Speaker 2: Andrew because sometimes you come in very professorial, and you know,
Speaker 2: it's almost like you're giving you know, like like you've
Speaker 2: achieved your given advice. And I just wonder because I
Speaker 2: feel disconnected from a lot.
Speaker 3: Of experimental Yeah, yeah, experimenting with I I completely relate
Speaker 3: to warring on every side right now. I don't do well.
Speaker 3: I don't do well in the sort of individual instances,
Speaker 3: and I also don't do well with the damn breaking
Speaker 3: of the dam bridging, the breaking, you know, so they
Speaker 3: are the individual things that just add up. It's the
Speaker 3: sum total of it all, like my breaking. I was
Speaker 3: thinking about when you asked Angela, what is that thing
Speaker 3: that sort of you know, where you find yourself just exploding?
Speaker 3: And for me, that explosion often comes in the smallest,
Speaker 3: most insignificant thing that ever was. It's my kid forgetting
Speaker 3: to put the backpack on the ring and now it's
Speaker 3: on the kitchen floor underneath the stool, and I'm I
Speaker 3: just jamm my toe and I'm angry about it. But
Speaker 3: I'm not really angry about that. I'm angry about all
Speaker 3: the others. Yeah, you know that's going on. So the
Speaker 3: point that it reaches a culmination is rarely ever, in
Speaker 3: the moment of the of the of the break, that's
Speaker 3: that's not that that's the thing I'm leeing. I wish
Speaker 3: that were my worry. It's all the other stuff that's
Speaker 3: that's the worry. But I don't mean to come off
Speaker 3: professorial about why I think sh.
Speaker 4: Wise.
Speaker 3: I think I'm experimenting with some things that keep me
Speaker 3: inside myself while I'm going through rather than vacating my
Speaker 3: body and everything I know, vacating the person I am
Speaker 3: to just to deal with this thing, to deal with
Speaker 3: the culbination of these things. I just think we can't
Speaker 3: eat an elephant hole. I gotta take this thing bite
Speaker 3: by bite. I can only do what I can do,
Speaker 3: which is a whole different level of grace I'm giving
Speaker 3: to myself that I didn't afford myself and most of
Speaker 3: my lived you know, experienced on this earth. I've always
Speaker 3: been my harshest critic. I've always been the principle that
Speaker 3: I never wanted to be in the office of because
Speaker 3: I know how tough I am on myself and how
Speaker 3: judgmental I am on myself, much more than I am
Speaker 3: on the people around me, much more than I am
Speaker 3: than with the people greats comes to me very easily
Speaker 3: for a lot of other people, it's for myself that
Speaker 3: I deprive understanding. It's for myself that I lodge the
Speaker 3: greatest judgment. It's toward myself that I hate the most
Speaker 3: when things aren't going right. It's me that I judge
Speaker 3: the worst. When two plus two ain't equal and four
Speaker 3: but it's two. How does that math work?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 3: So I think, now, you know, I think Arjie probably
Speaker 3: thinks I'm just I'd like to become an antisocial person
Speaker 3: with everything in our lives, and I have to balance
Speaker 3: that in some ways. But more than anything, it is
Speaker 3: I don't want to be in a place anymore where
Speaker 3: I've got to compromise any one side of myself to fit.
Speaker 3: So I'm not going where I'm also not giving people
Speaker 3: the power to grant me permission for an invitation. I'm
Speaker 3: not giving people power to grant you know, validation on anything.
Speaker 3: It's partly why some of what I deal with around
Speaker 3: sort of external comments and people's reactions to things is
Speaker 3: that it's like I can't I can't then hold myself
Speaker 3: because I'm holding everything everybody else and their thing, And
Speaker 3: then what does that do? It leaves me empty. It
Speaker 3: leaves me filling the abandonment and so okay, if nobody
Speaker 3: else can tend to it, I'm gonna tend to me.
Speaker 4: You know.
Speaker 3: It's like the past is saying when he's given the
Speaker 3: preach word, if you can't say you know, I will
Speaker 3: amen myself on this if the world isn't giving it
Speaker 3: to me. And now it's like increasingly whatever the world
Speaker 3: is going to do is going to do yeah, And
Speaker 3: I've got to hold me.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: And if something else comes along to hold then it's
Speaker 3: icing on the cake. But I gotta be for me.
Speaker 3: If ain't nobody else gonna be it. If I don't
Speaker 3: feel it for anybody else, I gotta feel it for myself.
Speaker 3: And I guess getting to that level of depravity if
Speaker 3: you will, a feeling so empty of that thing for
Speaker 3: so long from every side, rather than saying this life
Speaker 3: isn't worth it, it's like I'm worth it. Yeah, I
Speaker 3: do deserve that. And if I'm tired, go take a nap. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I can have that and release the judgment. But I
Speaker 3: don't want to go to the party. It ain't because
Speaker 3: I don't like people, because I don't really want to
Speaker 3: be around that. Yes, yeah, so no, I haven't figured
Speaker 3: any of it out. There's a lot of experimenting and
Speaker 3: daring to experiment and being blessed by space and maybe
Speaker 3: a little bit of time to experiment. But no, all
Speaker 3: the stuff that's raining down on everybody else is raining
Speaker 3: down on me too. But I want to master a
Speaker 3: better technique for how to how to make it to
Speaker 3: the other side.
Speaker 2: Well, you definitely given me when I've come to you
Speaker 2: with things you do. It is somewhat like of a
Speaker 2: professorial statement that rings very true to me. I remember
Speaker 2: we were eating at our spot in New York at Serafina.
Speaker 3: Since wells.
Speaker 2: Well, but you were telling me like basically, do what
Speaker 2: feels good to you, you know, and so to hear
Speaker 2: you say like yeah, like sometimes our value can be
Speaker 2: so caught up into how we are living in service
Speaker 2: to others, and so I that I think that's the
Speaker 2: challenge for me right now because I feel so disconnected.
Speaker 2: That's why I wanted to know any of your specific examples,
Speaker 2: like what are the things that bregett I think you
Speaker 2: were saying, Charlie Kirk, but everything that happened around that,
Speaker 2: you know, the response and everything or I felt so
Speaker 2: disconnected from it, you know, I was looking at it like,
Speaker 2: stay so dumb, you know it hurts, But it was
Speaker 2: the thing that was like, the things that are breaking
Speaker 2: me are just a piercing heartbreak of so much. But
Speaker 2: heartbreak is the only term I can think, nothing about
Speaker 2: our politics, not you know that I kind of anticipate,
Speaker 2: but just this heartbreak and that there's nobody who can
Speaker 2: kind of help you through that heartbreak, but navigating heartbreak
Speaker 2: and isolation and the only way out is through. So
Speaker 2: you just have to keep getting pierced over and over,
Speaker 2: walking through memory and letting time do what it does.
Speaker 2: And it is just the hardest feeling while navigating other things.
Speaker 2: So I really think that this conversation, what you guys share,
Speaker 2: what we're all going through, is so reflective of what
Speaker 2: so many other people are going through. And so I
Speaker 2: feel privileged to day to be a part of this conversation.
Speaker 2: And I hope that our authenticity around what we're sharing
Speaker 2: resonates with people. And I hope beyond resonating with you
Speaker 2: as an individual, but I hope that you all will
Speaker 2: have your own cells of safe spaces where you can
Speaker 2: talk about this and when you can't because sometimes I
Speaker 2: don't have that cell. And it's not because people aren't
Speaker 2: available to me, it's because I want to. I don't
Speaker 2: feel good about putting this in someone else's hands when
Speaker 2: I haven't worked through it myself. And so that's what
Speaker 2: that immersive therapy helped me do. Create a safe space
Speaker 2: within myself or I got to push myself out. Sometimes
Speaker 2: it's like, no, you are going to go to dinner
Speaker 2: tonight with your girlfriends because that's just what it is,
Speaker 2: you know. So I hope that this has created some
Speaker 2: sort of safe space for other people to just listen
Speaker 2: to it. And if that safe space is within yourself,
Speaker 2: I hope we tapped into something. I still feel heartbroken,
Speaker 2: I still feel sad, but it's like it feels lighter,
Speaker 2: a little lighter. It's like when you shake a bottle
Speaker 2: up and all the bubbles and you open it all
Speaker 2: I once it explodes, I feel like today we loosen
Speaker 2: the bottle a little bit, let some of the era
Speaker 2: and what we're all navigating different things and challenges and roads.
Speaker 2: But it let a little bit of the air out
Speaker 2: of the bottle.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 3: The Great Professor Cardi b this week also helped me
Speaker 3: I want to say, but yes, you know it just
Speaker 3: I just think she's the greatest human. I can't wait
Speaker 3: for the conversation. Yeah, yeah, I mean it is.
Speaker 1: We're gonna try to get her on soon. Y'all go
Speaker 1: watch that, and we know we got to wrap up
Speaker 1: our mini. Yeah, it's been a mega but thank you.
Speaker 3: All the things, Thank y'all for joining us. As always,
Speaker 3: as we say all the time, we know that your
Speaker 3: time is precious and how you spend it, especially when
Speaker 3: you choose us, means a lot. So we'll catch you
Speaker 3: on this other side of this heartbreaking pain. Push through, everybody,
Speaker 3: and we'll see you. Welcome home. Native Lampard is a
Speaker 3: production of iHeartRadio in partnership with reisent Choice Media. For
Speaker 3: more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 3: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.