WEBVTT - Melissa Etheridge Has Been on a Hero’s Journey All Her Own 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.640 Cancer Straight Talk is a podcast for memorial Sloan Kettering 0:00:03.760 --> 0:00:08.360 Cancer Center where hosts doctor Diane Reedy Lagunas has intimate 0:00:08.440 --> 0:00:13.480 conversations with patients and experts about topics like dating and sex, 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:18.320 exercise and diet, the power of gratitude, and more. I 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:21.439 love being her guest back in April. Listen to Cancer 0:00:21.480 --> 0:00:29.760 Straight Talk. You'll learn so much. Hi everyone, I'm Kitty 0:00:29.840 --> 0:00:37.920 Kuric and this is next question. Melissa Ethridge has written 0:00:37.960 --> 0:00:41.519 not one, but two memoirs, and her new one is 0:00:41.560 --> 0:00:45.440 called Talking to My Angels and Wow, so much has 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:48.879 happened between forty when she wrote her first one and 0:00:49.360 --> 0:00:53.440 sixty plus two. She talked with me about a definitive 0:00:53.560 --> 0:00:57.040 spiritual experience thanks to what she calls a hero dose 0:00:57.080 --> 0:01:01.600 of cannabis. Wow sounds intense. That really separated her life 0:01:01.640 --> 0:01:06.080 into before and after. Now on the other side, Melissa 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:09.039 finds herself happier and I think, more centered than ever, 0:01:09.640 --> 0:01:12.440 and she'll walk us through how she found that piece. 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:16.240 But she also has an amazing capacity to learn from 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:19.600 the not so peaceful events in her life. And of 0:01:19.640 --> 0:01:23.679 course music is the thrumbing through line underpinning everything in 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:26.360 her life. So there's a little of that in this 0:01:26.480 --> 0:01:30.640 interview as well. Hope you all enjoy my conversation with 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:39.600 Melissa Ethriche. Melissa, Gosh, we have so much to talk 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:42.520 about because you have so much going on, But one 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:45.160 of the main reasons you're here is to talk about 0:01:45.240 --> 0:01:48.880 your new memoir, which is your second memoir. How can 0:01:48.920 --> 0:01:50.760 you possibly write too. 0:01:51.240 --> 0:01:54.200 Well when you write one at the age of forty. 0:01:54.680 --> 0:01:56.480 At forty, you think, oh my gosh, I've lived so 0:01:56.600 --> 0:01:59.280 much life. But then when you turn sixty, you're like, 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:01.880 I was just getting started, you know, because so much 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:05.080 happens from in my life. So much happened from forty 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:08.840 to sixty that really makes up so much more of 0:02:08.880 --> 0:02:11.799 what I am now. And you know, the first part 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:14.840 was just kind of the history, you know, the growing 0:02:14.960 --> 0:02:16.920 up and how did I, you know, make it and 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:19.840 that sort of thing, and this one is how did 0:02:19.840 --> 0:02:21.040 I survive? You know? 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:24.640 In fact, I know that your first memoir was called 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:28.160 The Truth Is, and that was, as you mentioned, released 0:02:28.560 --> 0:02:31.640 in two thousand and one, so twenty two years ago. 0:02:32.000 --> 0:02:34.239 And you say you've come around to a different kind 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:38.560 of understanding in the second part of life. So let's 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:42.960 start there, specifically with what happened to you one summer 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:46.640 night back in two thousand and three, You say that 0:02:46.800 --> 0:02:49.959 you had an experience that jump started I guess the 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:54.880 spiritual awakening for you. So what happened, Melissa? Is everything 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.480 sort of in your life before this and after it? 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:01.040 Do you use it to delen ate your life in 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:01.680 some ways? 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:06.079 Yes? And because it was so close to my cancer diagnosis, 0:03:06.600 --> 0:03:10.080 both of those things, one right after the other, is 0:03:10.120 --> 0:03:13.960 what really divides my early life and then the rest 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:16.720 of my life. And now now that again, now that 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:19.600 I'm in my sixties, I think that all of us 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:22.840 sort of have a spirit awakening, you know, they're they're 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:25.720 a soul awakening. And all of us that I think 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:30.040 up to, you know, up till your forties, you're you know, 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:33.720 working and trying to make it, and you're physically, you know, 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:39.120 action oriented. And then you complete some journeys, you actually 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:41.680 get some places and you start realizing, wait, it's not 0:03:41.720 --> 0:03:46.080 really about the thing or the the place. It's about 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:49.600 the feeling and it's all the all the interesting things 0:03:49.640 --> 0:03:51.800 that happened to me along the way. It's the journey. 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:56.000 And so how I lived my life, how I thought 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:59.320 of my life really changed and my awakening came through 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:03.320 plant spirit and it doesn't doesn't or plant medicine, and 0:04:03.360 --> 0:04:06.119 it doesn't. You know, it's different for everyone. This that's 0:04:06.160 --> 0:04:08.200 not the only way. There's all kinds of ways people 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:12.480 can can have an awakening in their life. And mind 0:04:12.560 --> 0:04:17.680 just happened to be through an unintentional heroic dose of cannabis, 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:21.719 and it was it was, you know, mind shattering to me. 0:04:22.160 --> 0:04:24.800 In fact, it really kind of set you off on 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:28.960 this kind of psychedelic journey, if you will. You say, 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:32.920 I then received a kind of download of information and 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:37.520 the arrival of a new understanding. And that understanding, well, 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:39.800 you tell me what was that understanding? 0:04:40.480 --> 0:04:43.880 A lot of people talk about how it feels like 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:47.719 a download of information. It feels it's it's very uh. 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:52.000 That's a common description of a moment. Sometimes it happens 0:04:52.040 --> 0:04:55.920 when a near death experience or or something will sort 0:04:55.920 --> 0:05:01.200 of put this off. But the understanding is it's so 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:05.080 it's so hard to describe because it's I tell people 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:08.440 it cannot be taught, it can only be learned. And 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:10.400 you know, words don't teach, but I'll do my best. 0:05:10.480 --> 0:05:14.480 Sound it, Okay, it is it's an understanding of a 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:18.960 of a certain oneness of humanity, of a of a 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:25.159 common a commonality between everyone, where uh, you know, you 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:27.599 can say we I mean, I could say it's it's 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:30.239 all love, and that's a really simple thing to say, 0:05:30.839 --> 0:05:35.440 but to me, that is the truth. It's all everything 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:37.960 is love, and everything is made up of love, and 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:41.560 love is what I described the the particles. You can 0:05:41.640 --> 0:05:45.359 you can go into a quantum physics and they're saying 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:48.679 the same thing. They're just saying it scientifically. I'm saying 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:54.000 it from a more spiritual, sort of esoteric way. Everyone's 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:56.840 made up of the same particles and how they're put 0:05:56.880 --> 0:05:59.760 together is up to us in our minds. Our minds 0:05:59.800 --> 0:06:02.360 are so much more powerful than we know, and you 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:04.840 can find it. There's a lot of teachings, you know, 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:07.200 there's a lot of modern day teaching, so this and 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:09.960 a lot of uh, you know, ancient teachings that sort 0:06:10.000 --> 0:06:12.160 of speak to the very same thing. 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:15.200 How did it change you, Melissa? I mean, if it's 0:06:15.240 --> 0:06:18.680 all about love and we're all kind of connected and 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:22.960 particles and all the things you just described change, did 0:06:23.000 --> 0:06:25.200 it change you as a person? Did it make you 0:06:26.760 --> 0:06:30.520 relate to other people differently? Did it make you less angry. 0:06:30.560 --> 0:06:34.000 I mean, how does that manifest itself in daily behavior? 0:06:34.560 --> 0:06:36.880 And can I get me some of that cannabis? 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:41.120 Oh? Yes, well new York it's legal now. So although 0:06:41.120 --> 0:06:46.000 California makes the best lead, but it changed me and 0:06:46.080 --> 0:06:50.599 my relationship to me. And that's the That's the first 0:06:50.640 --> 0:06:56.800 and really most important relationship is how I'm what I'm 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:01.800 thinking about me, how I'm connect to me, meaning that 0:07:01.960 --> 0:07:05.520 inner being that we have, that that that thing that 0:07:05.560 --> 0:07:08.720 we say is either you know, critiquing us or or 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:12.200 you know, all those things in our mind that we 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:17.240 walk with every day. That relationship changes. You stop blaming 0:07:17.440 --> 0:07:21.760 things outside of you, when you no longer take the 0:07:21.800 --> 0:07:26.600 manifested world personally, when you don't think something or someone's 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:30.040 after you, when you realize, oh, I'm I'm creating this 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:33.720 myself every day, and I have a choice how I'm 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:37.960 going to respond to it. Am I just going somebody 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:40.880 pushes me, Am I just going to push back and 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:45.240 then you create that energy. Or if someone pushes me, 0:07:45.360 --> 0:07:48.880 am I going to see it more through an eye 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:52.080 of love and go, Wow, that person must really be 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:54.440 having a bad day. And I, you know, I'm really 0:07:54.560 --> 0:07:57.200 grateful that I'm not having a bad day and I'm grateful, 0:07:57.240 --> 0:08:03.760 and you just sort of channel your thought into more appreciation, 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.440 more gratitude. You know, you hear these things all the time. 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:13.000 You know they're all la la, but the truthful, truthfully, 0:08:14.240 --> 0:08:18.120 if you practice these things on a real practical level, 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:21.840 they can make a real, big, large difference in your life. 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:24.800 Do you ever slip up? Do you ever want to 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:28.440 push that person back? I mean, I'm fascinated by this. 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:32.360 How do you discipline yourself or how do you get 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:37.520 yourself in the mindset every day that I am going 0:08:37.679 --> 0:08:40.840 to see things through a prism of love. I'm going 0:08:40.920 --> 0:08:45.480 to try to seek understanding and I'm not gonna I'm 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:47.600 not going to have this short fuse or I'm not 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:51.360 gonna take ill of people, all the things that bring 0:08:51.400 --> 0:08:52.800 out the worst in us. 0:08:53.240 --> 0:08:56.760 Well, first I realized it's an understanding. That this is 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.080 not sort of like a college degree where you get 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:01.640 there and you're there that you know and you have 0:09:01.760 --> 0:09:04.800 it forever and ever. This it's a practice. It's like yoga. 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:07.800 It's like, you know, you start yoga, you can barely 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:11.120 bend over, and then after a while you can bend. 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:14.319 But there's no end to yoga. There's nobody that finishes 0:09:14.400 --> 0:09:16.320 yoga and I've done it, and that's it. Now I'm 0:09:16.400 --> 0:09:19.200 yogi or something that that that you It's just a 0:09:19.240 --> 0:09:21.360 practice you do every day and this is the same thing. 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:27.040 And there are little little things that you can do 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:30.200 that helps you because by the time you get something 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:33.640 from someone in the outside world, the momentum that you've 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:37.400 had going during the day is one of oh, this 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:39.040 is a bad day, I'm having a bad Oh you know, 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:41.120 Oh I stubbed my toe. Oh now it's you know, 0:09:41.160 --> 0:09:44.920 and things grow. That momentum grows, and if somebody pushes you, 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:46.760 you bet I'm going to shove them back at that 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:50.360 point because I've let it grow. You you go back 0:09:50.400 --> 0:09:53.760 to the your beginning of your day and the very 0:09:53.800 --> 0:09:57.200 moment you wake up. If you can just find something 0:09:57.320 --> 0:10:00.920 in that moment to be grateful for, for just you know, 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:05.720 just a half a minute, then that can grow a 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:08.640 little bit more and you might you might get ten, fifteen, 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:11.160 twenty minutes before you read an email and it sends 0:10:11.200 --> 0:10:15.160 you back into a bad place. But the more well 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:16.880 you've heard the you know, the better it gets. The 0:10:16.920 --> 0:10:20.280 better it gets because it's it's it is a it's 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:22.880 it's I'm sure you've also heard of the law of attraction. 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:27.160 This is sort of what it's. This is on is 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:29.720 you get what you're going to put out, So it's 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:33.640 up to you. I realize I can't change anyone or anything, 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:37.720 and once you give that up, then you're just working 0:10:37.720 --> 0:10:40.520 on yourself. Going all I can do is work on 0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:44.439 the way I feel, and I can be pointed towards happiness. 0:10:45.040 --> 0:10:47.040 So it's just it's just a practice every day, and 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:50.360 you don't. Yeah, there are times I had a horrible 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:53.080 day yesterday my show last night. I'm glad you weren't there. 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:57.400 It wasn't it wasn't horrible, but for me it was. 0:10:57.440 --> 0:10:59.439 You know, ah, this happened, I said, the drums fell over, 0:10:59.480 --> 0:11:01.640 this sort of thing. You know, it's just that kind 0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:04.040 of day. I was having that day. Today I'm not, 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:06.600 I'm speaking to you. I'm having a much better day. 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:07.760 It's going to be a great show tonight. 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:11.679 Well, it seems like you let things roll off your 0:11:11.679 --> 0:11:13.920 back too a lot more, and you don't let things 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:16.959 fester and you kind of release them out into the 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:20.960 universe because it doesn't help to hold it in. Right. 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.160 Yeah, there's a great book Don Miguel Rui's a lot 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.559 of people know this book. The four agreements and the 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:30.160 real simple You don't take things personally. You don't assume. 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:33.439 You do the best you can, and you are impeccable 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:36.319 with your word. And those four things go very deeply. 0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:37.719 If you read the book and see it's a very 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:41.640 short book and it's really just amazing, and you just 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:45.120 the less you take personally in the world or assume. 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:48.040 I used to always assume I knew what everyone was thinking, 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:50.160 and I was going to make everything in the room 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:54.200 okay before I got there, before anybody else could say anything. 0:11:54.559 --> 0:11:56.000 You really have to let that go. There's a lot 0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:56.920 of wasted energy. 0:11:57.280 --> 0:12:00.320 I'd interviewed Jada Pinkett Smith. She wrote a memo more 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:05.480 called Worthy, and she talks about a similar spiritual awakening, 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:09.160 which was interesting, and you both write about your experiences 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:12.640 with ayahuasca, and I'm curious what that journey was like 0:12:12.720 --> 0:12:14.760 for you. I do know friends who have done this. 0:12:15.040 --> 0:12:18.679 I'm afraid to do something like that, like, I don't know, 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:20.400 first of all, do you have to do it in 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:22.800 those really hot tents and everything. 0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:27.000 New? I actually did it in my home, so. 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:28.959 Okay, because a lot of people, you know, what do 0:12:29.080 --> 0:12:31.760 they do that in those sweat lodges And that just 0:12:31.840 --> 0:12:33.760 sounds that sounds miserable to me. 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:39.680 And no, no, first off, to really sort of listen 0:12:39.720 --> 0:12:44.840 to yourself. And there's people that are like, oh yeah, 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:46.920 give me that you know, and we'll go and do it. 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.000 And there's people I've met many people have come up 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.000 and go and set the exact thing. I'm just afraid 0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:54.360 because it is it is a very different experience. And 0:12:54.440 --> 0:12:58.520 I would not advise someone to just, oh, just go 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:01.680 to ayahuasca because it's gonna rock your world. It's it 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:06.080 is not something to do recreationally. It's not fun if 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:08.280 you are in a place. And like I said, this 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:11.640 is not for everyone. This is some people come to there. 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:15.560 It just just go through life very easily. And I 0:13:15.559 --> 0:13:18.839 mean we have things that happen, we lose people, and 0:13:19.120 --> 0:13:21.920 you understand, life is full of loss and and everything, 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:25.800 and it's I would suggest it for anyone who's who 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:28.480 is having a very hard time, like it's very good 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:32.320 for drug abuse, it's very good for people who are 0:13:32.360 --> 0:13:36.480 having hard time letting go of grief or something. If 0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:40.120 you're really searching, this is a great answer and you know, 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:44.720 it suits people and some people it doesn't. Myself, I 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:47.680 was searching, I was looking. I was I had already 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:52.440 had this unintentional, huge journey, and I wasn't as afraid 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:57.160 of it anymore. It does help help people. It helped 0:13:57.200 --> 0:14:01.240 me get over my sense of fear of death, and 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:05.520 sometimes the fear of death can really rule a person's life. 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:09.079 And when you go on an ayahuasca journey and ceremony, 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:13.280 you realize that we are not our bodies, we are 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:17.840 eternal beings inside here. And our bodies, yeah, they're going 0:14:17.880 --> 0:14:21.880 to expire someday because they're just meat suits. But we 0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:24.200 are eternal. And when you kind of feel, when you 0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:28.440 get the sense of our eternalness, then it's that's a 0:14:28.480 --> 0:14:30.600 gift because you live your life differently. 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:34.400 I've heard people tell me what they experienced when they 0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:38.040 did ayahuasca or whatever, and I'm curious, what was it like? 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:40.560 Can you just tell me, like what it was like 0:14:40.680 --> 0:14:41.080 for you? 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:47.000 Well, it was in a house. It was with a 0:14:47.080 --> 0:14:51.160 shaman who had been in Peru for twenty years, who 0:14:51.280 --> 0:14:54.360 was taught by the original shamans down there, who had 0:14:54.400 --> 0:14:58.200 been passed from generation to generation. And you know, for 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:02.440 thousands of years. It's an ancient medicine that they boil 0:15:02.560 --> 0:15:05.560 down from a vine and a leaf, and the vine 0:15:05.680 --> 0:15:09.920 has the DMT in it, which is what all of us, 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:14.000 every living thing has DMT in it. It's sort of 0:15:14.040 --> 0:15:18.120 the it's been called the spirit molecule. And the vine 0:15:18.320 --> 0:15:22.760 that they brew it up with has the enzyme that 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:26.400 helps our own body. If we were to just take 0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:30.280 the vine, our own enzymes would block the DMT from 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:32.640 doing anything and it would go through us. But the 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:39.840 vine suppresses our own body's enzyme and allows the DMT 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:43.800 to interact with our own DMT that's in our pineal 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:46.320 gland back in the back of our head. And that 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:50.080 is the only times that it occurs naturally that we 0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:53.760 know of, is at birth and at death. So this 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:59.320 is released, and you, your spirit, not your body, but 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:03.720 your spirit goes on. Your soul goes to that place 0:16:03.920 --> 0:16:07.600 of oneness where we all come from, that the non physical, 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:12.040 whatever you want to call it, you are. You know 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:15.000 that you're still in a house, in a room. You 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:19.320 understand you don't go anywhere, but you also understand that 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:24.640 your mind, your understanding of it, is all different. You're 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:30.240 disconnected from your body. You often you throw up, you purge, 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:33.440 not so much the other stuff, but sometimes that happens, 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:37.880 and then again there's a feeling of a download. There's 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:42.120 a lot of visuals that are different with with with 0:16:42.320 --> 0:16:49.040 different people. Some people visualize actual spirit, they see large beings, 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:53.080 they see things that it can be fearful. Sometimes it 0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:55.760 sort of depends on the person mind. I've had bad 0:16:55.960 --> 0:16:58.000 what I would call a bad experience, but it was 0:16:58.040 --> 0:16:59.400 a very learning experience. 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:03.120 Do you see things that happened in your life, do 0:17:03.200 --> 0:17:09.920 you kind of reconcile with hurts or traumas or relationships 0:17:09.960 --> 0:17:10.920 that have gone wrong. 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:17.480 It is not a review in your mind, No, it 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:25.560 is a way of understanding that those things were necessary 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:28.480 to be who you are. And you come out of 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:30.440 it and you go, oh, I'm not going to hold 0:17:30.440 --> 0:17:33.840 onto those traumas anymore. Those traumas don't affect me anymore 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:36.960 because I'm grateful they were a part of my life 0:17:37.720 --> 0:17:40.480 that helped me ask for more so that I could 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:43.119 bring that in so that I could bring better into 0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:45.840 my life. An understanding I got through all this is 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:49.320 that we live in a dualistic world. There's good and bad, 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:52.400 there's light and dark. There's up and down. Everything has 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:56.440 an opposite. There's wanted and the lack of it. And 0:17:56.960 --> 0:17:59.560 every time we want something, we also bring that lack 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:03.080 of it with us. There will always be rich and poor. 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:06.560 There will always be that, because you can't be one 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:13.040 without the other. And to then inside be okay with that, 0:18:13.119 --> 0:18:17.440 to understand that that is how this existence is and 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:22.200 outside of this reality is a oneness, is a fairness, 0:18:22.280 --> 0:18:27.920 is a is pure joy. And so you go, oh, 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:31.800 the only way I can, the only way we were 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:35.800 are are here to create and move what we call 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:41.520 the us here on the bleeding edge of creation is 0:18:41.560 --> 0:18:45.800 to experience this light and dark. So there's there's a 0:18:45.880 --> 0:18:48.840 kind of an understanding. You don't you don't work anything out. 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:51.960 It's not here to you know, work it out, and 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:55.360 what's good or bad that that it's all oneness. It's 0:18:55.359 --> 0:18:57.480 all that sort of yin and yang symbol. That's the 0:18:57.520 --> 0:19:01.840 reason that that symbol is is is it's you get 0:19:01.840 --> 0:19:04.800 the whole by having both the light and the dark. 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:07.800 That makes sense, Yeah, I mean it does. I just 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:08.960 think I'm not that deep. 0:19:09.440 --> 0:19:12.480 I'm like, you don't have to be you really don't know. 0:19:12.600 --> 0:19:14.920 This is not something that everyone has to be this. 0:19:14.920 --> 0:19:17.320 This is what it took for me to be that way, 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:21.080 to need to find peace. You find your piece the 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:24.560 way you do, and a lot of us, especially women, 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:27.719 a lot of us don't have to Our left brains 0:19:27.760 --> 0:19:30.760 don't have to read it all and figure it all out. 0:19:30.760 --> 0:19:34.000 Our right brains just know it instinctively. It's you know, 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:37.680 that's the intuitive part. And you've seen enough of the world, 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:40.440 I'm sure, and talk to enough people to kind of understand. 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:43.879 I'm sure you don't have a false thought about celebrity. 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:47.560 You understand the people are people, and so there's probably 0:19:47.920 --> 0:19:50.440 you probably don't need that sort of thing. 0:19:52.320 --> 0:19:54.440 We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, 0:19:54.520 --> 0:19:57.120 we'll hear from Melissa on how her spiritual progress has 0:19:57.119 --> 0:19:58.440 affected her relationships. 0:20:03.520 --> 0:20:05.600 If you want to get smarter every morning with a 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:08.919 breakdown of the news and fascinating takes on health and 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:12.320 wellness and pop culture, sign up for our daily newsletter, 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:15.960 wake Upcall by going to Katiecuric dot com. I want 0:20:15.960 --> 0:20:18.760 to tell you all about the cancer Straight Talk podcast 0:20:18.800 --> 0:20:23.240 from Memorial Sloan Cattering Cancer Center with MSK oncologist doctor 0:20:23.280 --> 0:20:26.080 Diane Reedy Lagunis. I was a guest, and we had 0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:30.320 a totally candid conversation about my family's experiences with cancer, 0:20:30.680 --> 0:20:34.440 including my husband's illness, my own treatment for breast cancer, 0:20:34.680 --> 0:20:37.520 and of course, that time I got a colonoscopy. On TV, 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:41.919 Cancer Straight Talk features life affirming conversations with experts and 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:46.880 patients alike about topics affecting everyone touched by cancer. If 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:49.560 that includes you, I hope you'll listen to my episode 0:20:49.600 --> 0:20:52.440 and every episode of Cancer Straight Talk. 0:20:59.200 --> 0:21:00.880 We're back with Alyssa Athriage. 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:06.120 Would you say you're now a much happier person, Melissa? 0:21:06.240 --> 0:21:10.040 Do you feel settled and happy because you have been 0:21:10.119 --> 0:21:12.719 through a lot. You've had a lot of turmoil in 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:16.080 your life, you lost your son, you had a very 0:21:16.119 --> 0:21:19.520 distant mom. It made me so sad about what you 0:21:19.560 --> 0:21:21.960 wrote about your mom. I'm going to read this. You 0:21:22.080 --> 0:21:24.760 described your dad as a nice guy and fun parent, 0:21:24.840 --> 0:21:28.080 but your mom seemed pretty unhappy and you were determined 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:31.399 not to be like her. And you write as I 0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:33.919 grew up, what became clear was my mother's lack of 0:21:34.080 --> 0:21:37.800 enthusiasm for her life. She didn't want anything more than 0:21:37.880 --> 0:21:40.760 to go through the motions of work, to come home, 0:21:40.840 --> 0:21:43.400 get dinner on the table, with a sigh and very 0:21:43.440 --> 0:21:46.960 little eye contact, and then get lost inside one of 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:50.440 her many classics books that transported her out of her life. 0:21:51.000 --> 0:21:53.560 When I pull from my memories, I see my mother 0:21:53.680 --> 0:21:56.800 sitting in her favorite living room chair, angle down toward 0:21:56.840 --> 0:22:00.119 her book, a glass of something at her side. I 0:22:00.200 --> 0:22:02.440 love this line by the way that I'm about to read. 0:22:02.920 --> 0:22:07.320 The tableau carries with it an untouchable and loneeness, an 0:22:07.359 --> 0:22:11.080 image bringing into high relief the signal radiating off of 0:22:11.119 --> 0:22:14.639 her telling me she didn't want to be approached or interrupted. 0:22:15.760 --> 0:22:18.720 Yeah, there you go, And you know what, I'm grateful, 0:22:19.359 --> 0:22:23.000 I truly am because of that. I was sent on 0:22:23.040 --> 0:22:27.840 a journey of looking for that comfort outside of myself. 0:22:28.080 --> 0:22:32.399 I went through some heavy relationships because of that, because 0:22:32.400 --> 0:22:35.199 I wanted that person to fill that up, but not 0:22:35.359 --> 0:22:38.359 until I realized it's up to me to fill that 0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:41.920 part of me up, to love me. And then once 0:22:41.960 --> 0:22:45.480 I once I could do that, once I started doing 0:22:45.560 --> 0:22:48.000 then I have a relationship now where I don't need 0:22:48.080 --> 0:22:51.240 that person to do that. And it's the most loving 0:22:51.280 --> 0:22:55.440 relationship I've ever had because we both are coming from 0:22:55.440 --> 0:23:01.160 a place of nurturing ourselves. And I know that I'm 0:23:01.160 --> 0:23:04.800 more available to my children. And because of that, because 0:23:04.840 --> 0:23:06.000 I don't have that. 0:23:06.440 --> 0:23:08.880 Do you understand your mom better today? 0:23:09.400 --> 0:23:10.440 Oh? Oh yes? 0:23:10.720 --> 0:23:13.520 And what made her that way? Do you think, Melissa? 0:23:13.800 --> 0:23:16.240 Well can you? I mean, I don't know about your mother, 0:23:16.359 --> 0:23:19.440 but remember them growing up in the thirties and forties 0:23:19.440 --> 0:23:23.000 and fifties, and they come of age in the fifties 0:23:23.000 --> 0:23:26.760 and sixties. And my mother was extremely intelligent. She really was. 0:23:26.800 --> 0:23:29.640 She started as a as a secretary just to make 0:23:29.680 --> 0:23:32.080 extra money because my father was a teacher and unfortunately 0:23:32.080 --> 0:23:35.480 we don't pay our teachers here, and so she started 0:23:35.480 --> 0:23:38.880 making extra money. And it was the time when computers 0:23:39.480 --> 0:23:42.960 were just being made, and she was hired by Booz Allen, 0:23:43.080 --> 0:23:45.640 the financial company or whatever it was in Kansas City, 0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:50.480