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Speaker 1: Accountability. It's not an easy subject for a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: Why do I feel like a lot of people is

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Speaker 1: I didn't even say that? See that's the problem accountability?

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Speaker 1: Or am I blaming myself? Hey, I'm Cadine and we're

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Speaker 1: the Ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos

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Speaker 1: without boys and reading each other publicly as a form

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Speaker 1: of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.

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Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are.

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Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of

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Speaker 1: life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple.

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Speaker 1: Dead ass is the term that we say every day.

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Speaker 1: So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts,

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Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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Speaker 1: Were about to think philows off to a whole new level.

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Speaker 1: M dead ass starts right now. I'm gonna bring us

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Speaker 1: back too. A couple of weeks ago, all right, Kadine

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Speaker 1: and I have been very diligent about not getting COVID,

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Speaker 1: not spreading COVID, very very diligent about this. Right. We

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Speaker 1: had visitors over long story short, someone brought COVID into

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Speaker 1: the crib. They brought COVID. I was pissed. The first

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Speaker 1: person to test positive for COVID was Jackson, And if

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Speaker 1: you guys listen to us, you know Jackson is a

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Speaker 1: very sensitive, empathetic child. So I take Jackson to the doctor.

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Speaker 1: He tests positive. I test negative. So he finds out

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Speaker 1: that he's the only one so far in the family

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Speaker 1: that has COVID. Instantly, he's crying, you know, I can't

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Speaker 1: believe I got COVID. Everybody's gonn be mad at me.

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Speaker 1: I got COVID. And I'm trying to talk him off

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Speaker 1: the ledge because I'm like, you know, you you tend

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Speaker 1: things happen. That's with the time. He was nine. So

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Speaker 1: he's like, I just don't want to die. I don't

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Speaker 1: And he's worried about everything, you see, because he's been

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Speaker 1: watching the news as well. People are dying of COVID.

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Speaker 1: So he's just nervous. So I'm like, listen, no, you know,

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Speaker 1: everything's gonna be fine. And Mommy is gonna be mad

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Speaker 1: because now we can't go to Jamaica. We can't do this,

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Speaker 1: we can't do that. And I'm like, hey, hey, relax,

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Speaker 1: Mommy is not going to be upset. Everybody's gonna be fine.

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Speaker 1: We invited somebody by the house. They had COVID. There

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Speaker 1: was no reason for you to have it. So finally

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Speaker 1: he stops crying. We get to the house. We opened

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Speaker 1: the door. Kay go, so, I said, Jackson has COVID.

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Speaker 1: The first thing that comes out of Kay's mouth is

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Speaker 1: you see all them times I tell you stop putting

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Speaker 1: your hands in your mouth and putting your hands in

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Speaker 1: your eyes. Jackson immediately looks at me, and you didn't

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Speaker 1: say it like that. Finish your story, no, show them

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Speaker 1: how you said it. Said that, I said, yea. I

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Speaker 1: first came in the door. Oh my god. I wonder

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Speaker 1: if it was the time I took him to the

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Speaker 1: coke factory, because he was touching his eyes and his

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Speaker 1: face a lot. And I was like, Jackson, do you

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Speaker 1: remember when I was telling you stop touching your eyes

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Speaker 1: in your face. I'm wondering if that was it because

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Speaker 1: me that I was trying to do. Yeah, I was.

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Speaker 1: I was not. I was not yelling at him or

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Speaker 1: be rating him. At that point. The berating happened when

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Speaker 1: the vau start yelling at me, and I was yelling

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Speaker 1: at him, go ahead. Anyway, We walked into We walked

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Speaker 1: in the house, and Kadin said, oh my god, Jackson,

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Speaker 1: you have COVID. I wonder if it happened at the

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Speaker 1: Coca Cola factor himsells hard. So that's that's how she claims.

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Speaker 1: She said, whatever, go ahead, tell your story, right. So

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Speaker 1: Jackson immediately looks at me and I see his eyes

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Speaker 1: welling up, and I go and dad more. I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to protect my son. I'm like, yo, Jackson, go upstairs.

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Speaker 1: Jackson goes upstairs. I get mad. I lose it. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I was like, I lose it. I'm like, why would

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Speaker 1: you instantly go to a place where he feels like

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Speaker 1: he's the reason why you have it? And I didn't

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Speaker 1: know about the conversations they were having in the car

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Speaker 1: prior to so exactly. She didn't know about that, So

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Speaker 1: I'm losing it. I'm like, he's an empathetic kid. He's

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Speaker 1: worried about dying. He thinks everyone's gonna blame him. And

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Speaker 1: the first thing you do is blame him forgetting it,

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Speaker 1: even though someone brought it into our house, who was positive, like,

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Speaker 1: there's no reason to sit here and go over with him?

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Speaker 1: How he might have gotten it because we know someone

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Speaker 1: who was positive came in the house and we all

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Speaker 1: ended up getting it. So I started losing it. I'm screaming,

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Speaker 1: I'm hollering, screaming, screaming, and Codeine is just like, yo,

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Speaker 1: don't scream at me. And at this point I'm like

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Speaker 1: and dad more trying to protect my son, and I'm

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Speaker 1: actink crazy out of character right. Me and Conde ended

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Speaker 1: up going separate ways. She left in the car, was

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Speaker 1: going for three or four hours, came back. When she

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Speaker 1: came back, I wanted to discuss with her how what

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Speaker 1: we did wasn't good. In the minute I started talking,

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Speaker 1: Codein gets pissed, It's like I'm not talking about this

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Speaker 1: and walks away. We end up having a conversation I

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Speaker 1: think a day later, and we solved that everything was fine.

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Speaker 1: I hear Jackson two days later downstairs on his PlayStation,

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Speaker 1: him and Kyro having a discussion. Then I hear him

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Speaker 1: screaming at Kiro, just screaming, screaming, screaming. I said, Jackson,

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Speaker 1: come upstairs, what makes you think it's okay for you

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Speaker 1: to scream at your brother like that? And he didn't

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Speaker 1: say nothing. I said Hello, I'm asking you a question,

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Speaker 1: and he said, well, you screamed that Mommy like that,

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Speaker 1: and at that point I had to be accountable. Let's

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Speaker 1: play the blame game. I love you more. Let's play

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Speaker 1: the blame game for sure. Let's call out names, names,

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Speaker 1: hate more. Let's tell all out names names for sure.

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Speaker 1: This podcast is about accountability or lack thereof, lack thereof, UM,

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Speaker 1: knowing when you're wrong, to admit fault or do you

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Speaker 1: deflect like some people um. In the story time, we

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Speaker 1: talked about the approach to the door codein says Can

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Speaker 1: I can. I's normally with the story, it's like your

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Speaker 1: side of my side, I feel like because that would

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Speaker 1: be some only his stories and be like a little

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Speaker 1: of some sides. So, prior to knowing what happened in

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Speaker 1: the car, the conversation that he was having with Jackson

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Speaker 1: and Jackson being like on the edge, UM when they

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Speaker 1: got to the door, I was just surprised that Jackson

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Speaker 1: tested positive first, because Jackson had the least interaction with

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Speaker 1: this person that was here, right, so for him to

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Speaker 1: be positive first. I'm thinking now where everything they're going through?

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Speaker 1: My mind is like, where did I go wrong? As

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Speaker 1: a mom, and did I ever put him in an

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Speaker 1: environment where he was unsafe, where he may have been

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Speaker 1: exposed to All these things are going through my head,

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Speaker 1: and naturally, as a mom, I will say women, we

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Speaker 1: I get a little bit more worked up off the bat, right.

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Speaker 1: So when they get to the doorway, DeVos just like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: he's positive, and Jackson's like, Mom, I have COVID, and

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, oh my god, I'm wondering if it's

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Speaker 1: when I took you to the world of cope, because

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Speaker 1: I said, remember, Jackson, you were touching that machine and

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Speaker 1: I told you not to touch your eye, like I'm

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Speaker 1: warning if that's when it happened. And Deval was just like,

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Speaker 1: that's when he just blew it. So according to the

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Speaker 1: I was yelling at the top of my lungs. I

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Speaker 1: was not yelling at the top of my lungs at

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Speaker 1: that point. I was just like more frantic, if anything,

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Speaker 1: trying to figure out why did my son test positive

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Speaker 1: when everybody knows I was wearing a mask on the

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Speaker 1: plane before COVID that I am the biggest German folk

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Speaker 1: and we've been so hyper vigilant, and it just made

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Speaker 1: me so annoying in that moment, because I was just like,

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Speaker 1: why would he be the first one to test positive?

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Speaker 1: I should have or like you should have, like somebody

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Speaker 1: who had more contact with the person should have. But

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Speaker 1: the personal symptomatic, so we didn't know. I understand that.

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Speaker 1: But here's where accountability comes in. Okay. Codeine has been

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Speaker 1: told by numerous family members that she snaps at people.

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Speaker 1: Have you not your brother, your sister, your mom, the kids? Me? Right?

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Speaker 1: When I tell her that she raised a voice of Jackson,

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Speaker 1: the first thing is said, no, I didn't. So many

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Speaker 1: times she says no, she doesn't until someone else says, yeah, K,

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Speaker 1: you did snap, and she's like, well, I didn't realize.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you you snapped at him, and you're sitting

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Speaker 1: here telling me that you didn't. There's no accountability there.

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Speaker 1: I will be accountable. And I did say that, and

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Speaker 1: I spoke to Jackson after the fact and we had

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Speaker 1: a whole discussion. I had a discussion with my son

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Speaker 1: about how I may have reacted to it or how

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Speaker 1: he may have received it. The thing is, in that moment,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if he received it that way, but

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Speaker 1: I think what amplified it was your reaction to me

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Speaker 1: and that just took things more over the edge. I

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Speaker 1: sat in the car with him for you. You think that,

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Speaker 1: but I sat in the car with him for thirty

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Speaker 1: minutes while he was sobbing, crying, thinking that he was

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Speaker 1: gonna die, Mimi was gonna die, and everybody's married. So

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Speaker 1: him feeling the brunt of you saying, remember when I

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Speaker 1: told you not to put your hands in your mouth.

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Speaker 1: He was in the car saying, people are gonna be

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Speaker 1: mad at me for COVID. You imagine thinking about me

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Speaker 1: saying that that's not going to happen. And the first

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Speaker 1: thing your mom brings up is the time she took you.

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Speaker 1: And here's my thing. You keep saying, he always puts

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Speaker 1: his hands in his mouth. So then who takes a

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Speaker 1: nine year old to the Coca cola factory during a

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Speaker 1: pandemic where you have to literally pull the mask down

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Speaker 1: and drink, But then you you putting it on him?

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Speaker 1: There's no accountability there. It's not I hear what you're saying,

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Speaker 1: and I did admit that that was a fault on

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Speaker 1: my part. What I'm saying was that I feel like

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Speaker 1: things got escalated even more when you were irate and

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Speaker 1: yelling at me. At the top of my lungs, so

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Speaker 1: that that much more where I could have just spoken

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Speaker 1: to him directly as my son and had that I

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Speaker 1: shouldn't have took him out of the house. But also too,

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Speaker 1: I feel bad, like how am I going to be

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Speaker 1: balancing life with my children? They've been locked up in

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Speaker 1: a house like a first. In that moment, I felt

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Speaker 1: badly because you know what I mean, I'm then blaming

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Speaker 1: my self, like how did I expose my child to this,

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Speaker 1: no matter how much whites I walked with, no matter

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Speaker 1: how much hand sanitizer lightsauce, right, And it was even

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Speaker 1: my friend who I went with laughed at me and

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Speaker 1: she was like, oh my god, you're being that mom.

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Speaker 1: But this is the point, because it's not blame. You

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Speaker 1: made a choice as a mom, right, Whatever happens from

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Speaker 1: that choice happens. There's no blames, there's no like and

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Speaker 1: and to me, that's why when it first happened and

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Speaker 1: when they all got sick, I didn't say, well you

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Speaker 1: took him to the Coca Cola factory, because there's no blame.

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Speaker 1: You made the choice as a mom. You asked me

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Speaker 1: what I thought, what I say, you want to go

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Speaker 1: take him there's no blame if he gets COVID from there,

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Speaker 1: he gets COVID, we gotta deal with the consequences. There's

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Speaker 1: no blame at that point. But when But but I

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Speaker 1: do think sometimes is you and I don't want to

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Speaker 1: say moms, but look to blame somebody or take on

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Speaker 1: blame when there's no blame to go around. It's just

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Speaker 1: what happens. Like, there's no blame. He took him to

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Speaker 1: the CoA colda factory. If he got it from there,

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Speaker 1: I don't think he got it from him because someone

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Speaker 1: with COVID came to our house. I was like, so,

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Speaker 1: my thing is, since we know that someone from COVID

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Speaker 1: came to our house, it makes no even sense to

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Speaker 1: go there but to blame him or possibly blame yourself,

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Speaker 1: there's no point doing that. Well, that's your logic in

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Speaker 1: that moment. I was frantic, like you said, as a mom,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, what did I do wrong?

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Speaker 1: I should have never took him out of the house.

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Speaker 1: And yes, chances are he probably didn't get it from there.

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Speaker 1: He probably definitely got it because we had somebody with

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Speaker 1: COVID in our house. So in my mind, I'm like thinking,

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Speaker 1: so many different things at once that I'm just like speaking,

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Speaker 1: I'm like what is it? What was it? Then I'm

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Speaker 1: just looking to you know what I mean myself, and

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Speaker 1: then you don't realize how okay? All right? I feel

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Speaker 1: like this went completely far, far left of what the

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Speaker 1: topic was the day, accountability, but also proves that when

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Speaker 1: you try to be accountable, people get uncomfortable being accountable.

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Speaker 1: Like for me personally, I shouldn't have been screaming that day.

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't. I got emotional because I saw my son.

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Speaker 1: I thought he was going to be hurt and affected emotionally,

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Speaker 1: especially in with COVID that I started screaming, and I

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Speaker 1: was screaming at you because you said what you said

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Speaker 1: to him, So I was screaming. Should I have been

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Speaker 1: screaming at that point? No, I shouldn't have been screaming.

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Speaker 1: And I'm willing to say I screamed at you. I shouldn't.

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Speaker 1: I was wrong. I apologize. When Jackson said to me,

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Speaker 1: you scream at mommy, I instantly said to him, you

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Speaker 1: know what you write, and I gotta be better, same

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Speaker 1: way you gotta be better. I can't scream at your mother.

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Speaker 1: You can't scream at your brother. So you gotta check

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Speaker 1: me and I gotta check you. But that's me holding

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Speaker 1: him accountable and holding my account accountability myself. The problem

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Speaker 1: with accountability for most people is the minute someone check

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Speaker 1: them or something they do, you know what they do,

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Speaker 1: They get uncomfortable and deflect. And that's what the whole

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Speaker 1: topic of it today is. You can't be uncomfortable and

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Speaker 1: deflect accountability just because you're the one that has to

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Speaker 1: be accountable. We all have to learn how to be

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Speaker 1: accountable and accept and say, listen, I messed that up

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Speaker 1: because we're all human, Like, you're gonna make mistakes. Nobody

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Speaker 1: walks through here perfect. That goes for you and that

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Speaker 1: goes for me. And if we continue to think that

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Speaker 1: we can be perfect in any relationship, then we're going

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Speaker 1: to continue to disappoint ourselves. I'm not doing that, Like

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Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm gonna make mistakes, especially when it comes

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Speaker 1: to parenting or even communicating with you, because I'm an

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Speaker 1: emotional person. You know what I'm saying a little bit,

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Speaker 1: A little bit, I'm a little emotional a little bit, Okay,

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Speaker 1: aries man, we got a lot of fire signs up

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Speaker 1: in this house too. So because and you you'll be

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Speaker 1: giving it as much as you do. You think you

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Speaker 1: get it, you'll be giving it. We have two aries

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Speaker 1: to Sagittarius, and Cairo's the only virgo, and and you're

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Speaker 1: the only woman in the house other than Mimi. So

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Speaker 1: the boys be like, like, when you come at them,

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Speaker 1: it's different than when I come at them. I feel like,

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Speaker 1: for them, it's like Dad, it's going to be dad,

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Speaker 1: But when you come at them, it's like hurt. Because

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Speaker 1: I watched them when you talk to them, you know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Even when you're trying to be calm

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Speaker 1: as a mom, you have a earnest that it like

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Speaker 1: rocks them. And I think also they have they have

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Speaker 1: a bit of like a They worry that they're going

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Speaker 1: to disappoint I think, but both of us, and they

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Speaker 1: worry a lot about what we think, which is I

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Speaker 1: like that. I'm okay with that, but I don't have

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Speaker 1: to have to know how to straddle defense with it.

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Speaker 1: I don't want them to fear me, but I also

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Speaker 1: want them to have that respect and know that man,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to disappoint my mom and dad. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: which which I think they need as kids, But they

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Speaker 1: also need to learn how to be accountable, because look

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Speaker 1: at look at the way we bring them up, right,

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Speaker 1: look at the way you and I were brought up.

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Speaker 1: You the firstborn daughter, but you're a pageant girl. Your

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Speaker 1: your dad coddled you a lot. Well, he caught us

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Speaker 1: all of y'all like, that's just my dad's just not

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Speaker 1: easy going. And he's yeah, he's easy going whatever. You know,

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Speaker 1: if something is wrong, he's going to try and make

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Speaker 1: it easy or fix it or whatever. Your mom does

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Speaker 1: not coddle you at all. Your mom is all about accountability.

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Speaker 1: And you see the way for you and your sister,

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Speaker 1: my sister, Yeah, but not the same way with your brother.

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Speaker 1: You look at my family, My both my parents are

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Speaker 1: accountable for me and my brother. When it comes to

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Speaker 1: my sister not so much. And I can see how

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Speaker 1: we all approach life differently because of the way we've

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Speaker 1: been right, you know what I'm saying, accountable or not accountable, right,

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Speaker 1: and they have made us who we are. Um and yeah,

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Speaker 1: so so accountability. Let's let's dial it back for people. Um.

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Speaker 1: You know, I like to pull up definitions and whatnot,

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Speaker 1: So thank you triple for pulling up the definition of accountability.

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Speaker 1: According to Webster website. Anybody still have a website dictionary?

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Speaker 1: I got Jackson the actual dictionary set, like the book,

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Speaker 1: like look up the word. If you're reading and you

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Speaker 1: don't know it, you can google a son a website diction.

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Speaker 1: He definitely has it opened his room because I was like,

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Speaker 1: that way, it's less screen time. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: look it up on Google. You can just open up

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Speaker 1: here and gave it to him as if it was

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Speaker 1: like something great, like look right. So he's excited, right,

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Speaker 1: So you're just like, what's up? And She's just like,

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Speaker 1: this is dictionary? And Jackson is like and I was like,

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Speaker 1: so it goes from A to Z that excitement because

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Speaker 1: I was that kid back in there. I was spelling

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Speaker 1: bee champ. I was big on vocabulary. I still lamped

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Speaker 1: to this day. So he gonna know some words, all right?

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Speaker 1: Then s A T joints any who. Um. Accountability is

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Speaker 1: the obligation or willingness to accept responsibility for one's action.

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Speaker 1: Some call it cancel culture, which is a big thing now, um,

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Speaker 1: but the fact is that you don't always need permission

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Speaker 1: to be held accountable for your actions. And we and

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Speaker 1: as we explore the different ways Accountability can manifest itself

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Speaker 1: in our lives, whether we're holding ourselves accountable for our

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Speaker 1: own goals, or we're holding our loved ones accountable for

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Speaker 1: the harm that they've caused, or even as we fight

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Speaker 1: to uphold the system accountable for systemic injustice, we realized

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Speaker 1: that the common thread is that accountability cannot be a

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Speaker 1: one time thing. It is an on going process that

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Speaker 1: results in real, actual, sustainable, tangible change. And if we

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Speaker 1: want to create a better world for generations to come,

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Speaker 1: freaking be accountable, whether it feels good or not. Can

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Speaker 1: I be honest? It's necessary? Sounds easy, right? Can bet?

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Speaker 1: I think the world nowadays lacks accountability as I look

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Speaker 1: at the way we raise kids. Right, but everybody gets

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Speaker 1: a trophy. Everybody gets a trophy. You're not allowed to

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Speaker 1: uh punish kids even verbally frustrate or give them push ups.

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Speaker 1: Those type of punishments are now illegal with sports, so

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Speaker 1: kids are not held accountable. And teachers they're trying to

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Speaker 1: take away grades now for from for some reason in

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Speaker 1: a certain schools. You can't grade papers now, you can't

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Speaker 1: write with a red pen. I used to look forward

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Speaker 1: to the person I used to look forward to that

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Speaker 1: because that for me was just like, Okay, I've helped

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Speaker 1: I feel accountable by studying, and there's my reward. Words

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Speaker 1: like word system. But you know what's funny you talked

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Speaker 1: about counsel cancel culture. Right, we've pulled back on the

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Speaker 1: accountability that we give to people, but then want to

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Speaker 1: cancel them for make a mistake, for making one mistake X.

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Speaker 1: Make that makes sense. Make it makes sense. From the

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Speaker 1: time they're young to adults, we don't want to hold

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Speaker 1: them responsible for nothing. But then if if we say

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Speaker 1: that they do something wrong, oh they that's it. How

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Speaker 1: do how does anyone even learn accountability or redemption if

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Speaker 1: we don't hold them accountable? From me? And I think

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Speaker 1: we should bring somebody in to talk about it. What

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Speaker 1: you think somebody understands and knows this, we definitely will.

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Speaker 1: But I want you to talk a little bit about

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Speaker 1: your upbringing. Why because I was like we were going

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Speaker 1: with this ahead. No, I want you to talk a

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Speaker 1: little bit about your upbringing and how you're upbringing has

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Speaker 1: helped you or not helps you with accountability. Well, um,

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Speaker 1: I've said before in previous podcasts that I come from

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Speaker 1: a family of not a lot of communication. When things.

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Speaker 1: You know, you felt a certain kind of way, or

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Speaker 1: you were unhappy you with something, it was kind of

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Speaker 1: just like, oh, you just kind of deal with it.

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Speaker 1: Or if you were unhappy with something your sibling did

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Speaker 1: or your parent did, it's kind of just like, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, sweep it under rug and it'll go away.

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Speaker 1: There was we call it the Ostrich technique in my

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Speaker 1: family would be kind of just kind of duck and

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Speaker 1: just like I think that it will eventually go away.

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Speaker 1: So coming from that UM and that environment, that did

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Speaker 1: not really encourage communication. UM. And not to say we

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Speaker 1: didn't encourage in communication because we were, we were silenced.

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Speaker 1: It was just more like it just wasn't encouraged. It's

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Speaker 1: just like, oh, that's how people are. That's how your

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Speaker 1: mom is, that's how your dad is, that's how your

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Speaker 1: brother and sister is. So that's just what it is. UM.

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Speaker 1: It was particularly difficult when I became UM, but we

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Speaker 1: got into a relationship because you came from the opposite.

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Speaker 1: So that being said, being able to open up to

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Speaker 1: being able to be accountable. I've never had somebody approached

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Speaker 1: me and say, Codeine, I don't like the way you're

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Speaker 1: doing X y Z, whether it be a sibling or

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Speaker 1: a parent. So I was used to kind of just

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Speaker 1: existing in a space where I did quique each other

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Speaker 1: like that. No, we just kind I did our best

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Speaker 1: and we were just like all right, well, you know,

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Speaker 1: so hearing any feedback when we got together, you wanted

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Speaker 1: to have those conversations. You wanted to say, well, Katine,

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Speaker 1: you did this wrong. It then required me to then

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Speaker 1: say I did something wrong. Oh my god, but I

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Speaker 1: thought I was doing my best. She was just passive

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Speaker 1: aggressive with her critique. She was never direct. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was kind of like that, you know, um, and

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00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:24,520
Speaker 1: there was that I want to want to say. There

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Speaker 1: wasn't any real substance to those those situations, but it

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Speaker 1: was very sparse. It was kind of just like, you know,

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00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,800
Speaker 1: in passing, like Katine, you should do this, or I

402
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,080
Speaker 1: think you should do that, and just me, you know,

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Speaker 1: listening to my mom. I would try to say, okay, mom,

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00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,000
Speaker 1: I get it, you know, or just be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: here's my mom being my mom. So not really taking

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00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,280
Speaker 1: it with any value. But at the same time, you know,

407
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,760
Speaker 1: then coming meeting somebody who was so extra vocal, then

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00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,480
Speaker 1: it felt like I was I was then at a

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Speaker 1: deficit all the time, or I felt like I was

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Speaker 1: at um, I was an inadequate in certain spaces because

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Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, somebody's like critiquing me on how I'm existing,

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Speaker 1: you know, And this is why I was taking a bag.

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Speaker 1: I was taken it back by it because I was like, wow,

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Speaker 1: I felt like it was just being very you're being

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Speaker 1: very nitpicky. At certain points, I felt like, damn, I

416
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,320
Speaker 1: can't do anything right. Um. It was a lot of

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Speaker 1: me feeling like my ego was bruised because here I

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Speaker 1: was thinking I was being a grand girlfriend or a

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Speaker 1: grandwife at that time, only for you to say like

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Speaker 1: nazis you you're not actually um. So that was just

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Speaker 1: particularly hard for me too to swallow. And I felt like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I was just being blamed for a lot

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Speaker 1: of things. So for me, I think there's a very

424
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,920
Speaker 1: like thin line between how do you be accountable? Um,

425
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,080
Speaker 1: are you being blamed? And then do you get defensive?

426
00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:35,080
Speaker 1: Because you always say get defensive And for me, it's

427
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:39,640
Speaker 1: just like, well, if I arrived at this particular destination,

428
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,440
Speaker 1: I'm not defending it. I'm just letting you know how

429
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:45,639
Speaker 1: I got there, and you hate that. So sometimes I

430
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,240
Speaker 1: don't even know how to exist in the debate or

431
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,520
Speaker 1: in an argument with you, because I feel like, damn,

432
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,159
Speaker 1: if I can't tell you my mindset or how I

433
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,320
Speaker 1: got there, then what should I do? Just be accountable

434
00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,879
Speaker 1: and just say okay. So now you see why we

435
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:01,120
Speaker 1: have arguments all the time because my backround is completely different.

436
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,159
Speaker 1: In my household, we had family caucuses and family discussions

437
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,680
Speaker 1: where my parents sat us down and told us everything

438
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,960
Speaker 1: we was doing wrong all the time. Never happened with

439
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,760
Speaker 1: me your whole life. Your parents never sat you down

440
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,600
Speaker 1: and said, you know, I can't I cannot recall my

441
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 1: parents sitting down with like me, my brother, and my sister. Bro.

442
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,439
Speaker 1: This was like early on growing up. Now we do

443
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,080
Speaker 1: that often, but early on never happened. This was like

444
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,320
Speaker 1: a weekly thing in my house. So like every Friday

445
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 1: or every time it's time to clean up something, my

446
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,680
Speaker 1: mother would come down and just read everybody to riot

447
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,360
Speaker 1: at and then my father would you know, you heard

448
00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:36,880
Speaker 1: what your mother said? So I was used to That's

449
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 1: that's the type of communication I'm used to. I'm also

450
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,840
Speaker 1: used to having my being able to express my opinion

451
00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:45,000
Speaker 1: because my parents used to allow what's to say our peace.

452
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,400
Speaker 1: So take that on top of the fact that I've

453
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 1: been an athlete. I did martial arts for five years,

454
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:55,199
Speaker 1: then I was playing basketball, then football, then college, then

455
00:22:55,240 --> 00:23:00,200
Speaker 1: in the NFL. Right in those environments, they literally put

456
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,520
Speaker 1: you down in front of a TV and point out

457
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,280
Speaker 1: all of your mistakes and you can't say anything like.

458
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,639
Speaker 1: They don't want to hear excuses. They just want to

459
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,639
Speaker 1: this is what you did wrong. They don't want to

460
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,960
Speaker 1: hear why you did it. They just want you to

461
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,160
Speaker 1: correct it. That's become what I'm used to. I'm used

462
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:20,159
Speaker 1: to communicating with people like that, like I'm used to

463
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,600
Speaker 1: being able to be because that, in my mind, made

464
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 1: me the person I am today. And it's lost you

465
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,399
Speaker 1: a lot of friends of friends. But a lot of

466
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 1: people can't handle that if they're not accustomed to it.

467
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 1: It did. It did lose me a lot of friends.

468
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:38,159
Speaker 1: I will say that, but UM to be honest, I

469
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,640
Speaker 1: don't value friendships where I can't be transparent. If our

470
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: friendships are dependent upon me telling you what you want

471
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,479
Speaker 1: to hear, as opposed to me telling you something that's

472
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 1: going to make you better than we're not gonna be

473
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,360
Speaker 1: friends because we're gonna be moving in two different directions.

474
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,639
Speaker 1: I said to say, some people are sensitive to the

475
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:58,199
Speaker 1: way things are delivered or the ways you know what

476
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,040
Speaker 1: I mean, I get it, and that's why Codein and

477
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 1: I have like arguments, or when you see us and

478
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 1: we're talking about something, it can go left, like the

479
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 1: beginning of this podcast to her was going left because

480
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,359
Speaker 1: I was just pointing out what I saw was wrong.

481
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 1: And then she felt like I was attacking her while

482
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,359
Speaker 1: I was blaming her when I'm like, I'm not blaming you.

483
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,879
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you what I saw. But if you

484
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,119
Speaker 1: felt like blame, I mean, it is what it is.

485
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,560
Speaker 1: Because in my mind, when I did something wrong on

486
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,480
Speaker 1: the football field, and I'll be honest, you could be

487
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,920
Speaker 1: running the route and the coaches said, run a hitch.

488
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,680
Speaker 1: The hitch is supposed to be seven yards, you turn around,

489
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,120
Speaker 1: catch the ball, you run your hits, you turn around

490
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,520
Speaker 1: the ball. Don't come coach, say what happened? You didn't

491
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,399
Speaker 1: get your depth. The depth is the yard is. And

492
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,439
Speaker 1: you're like, coach, I got my depth. I got my

493
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,199
Speaker 1: depth to you too. Argument this has happened to men

494
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 1: for you and the coach are going to feel it's fine,

495
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,120
Speaker 1: wait till we see it on film. Then you get

496
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 1: to watch the film and you see that you only

497
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:58,159
Speaker 1: win five yards, and now you feel like an asshole

498
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 1: because you out there because it out no. But I've learned.

499
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,760
Speaker 1: I've learned though, that when you think you're right because

500
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 1: you see things from your perspective, the eye in the

501
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,720
Speaker 1: sky don't lie. So when you get to see yourself

502
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 1: from someone else perspective and you were like, damn, I

503
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,920
Speaker 1: didn't even go seven yards, you learn how to shut

504
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,399
Speaker 1: up and just take the criticism. And that's when it

505
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,879
Speaker 1: comes to us. When you want to point out something

506
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,960
Speaker 1: to me, I'll be like, all right, all right, I

507
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 1: got it. But then when I try to point out

508
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,399
Speaker 1: something for you, you want to give me all the

509
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 1: reasons why you did it that way. And all I'm

510
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,359
Speaker 1: trying to say is you've given me reasons why you

511
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,679
Speaker 1: did it that way. Don't change the fact that what

512
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 1: you did hurt me. You understand what I'm saying, and

513
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,320
Speaker 1: to me, that's the accountability. You can give me a

514
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,119
Speaker 1: thousand reasons why you did it that way still hurt me.

515
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: Do you plan on changing the way you did it

516
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,000
Speaker 1: because it hurt me? Or you just be like, I

517
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,240
Speaker 1: did it that way because and then we're going to

518
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,000
Speaker 1: continue to do it that way because that's the way

519
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 1: I do it. And I think that's different because something

520
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:58,919
Speaker 1: to hurt me. I want to know why, Like what

521
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: was your mind set there? Whereas you don't care about

522
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,719
Speaker 1: the mindset. You're just like, well I'm hurt, so that's it,

523
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:04,440
Speaker 1: you know, Well no, but I'm going to change the

524
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,320
Speaker 1: behavior if you say to me, if you say to me,

525
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,720
Speaker 1: moving forward, Yeah, moving forward, And that's that's always been

526
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,119
Speaker 1: my thing. If you said to me, right, if you

527
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:13,679
Speaker 1: said to me the value you did X y Z,

528
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,919
Speaker 1: you know what I'm gonna do, all right, all right,

529
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 1: you don't like that. I'm not going to give you

530
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,399
Speaker 1: a bunch of excuses and reasons why I did it.

531
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,959
Speaker 1: Clearly you don't like that. Let me just see if

532
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,840
Speaker 1: I can maneuver to do it in a way where

533
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 1: you find it accepting or we can meet on the

534
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 1: same page. And and that's just approach. That's your family traumas,

535
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:36,200
Speaker 1: my family traumas. You're upbringing my upbringing. And to this

536
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: day we still have arguments because can we bring in

537
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:44,160
Speaker 1: my expert now, because this is like, this is like, man,

538
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,679
Speaker 1: this is a lot so I feel like we need

539
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,440
Speaker 1: to talk to somebody though. Let's talk to some money

540
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,840
Speaker 1: and see they can give us some advice on this,

541
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,000
Speaker 1: if that's what you want to do. Baby, See how

542
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,080
Speaker 1: I go to See how I go to the husband. Boys,

543
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,959
Speaker 1: it's gonna be a long episode. I was long winded

544
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 1: this one. Yes, you were You wasn't talking. He wasn't talking,

545
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:04,919
Speaker 1: he was going in. Let me ask you, Kadine about No,

546
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,439
Speaker 1: let's leave it to the therapist who we got on

547
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 1: here today today, y'all go back and see what was talking,

548
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: and then y'all let Kadino head over to the expert.

549
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 1: I've been trying to get to Delana for that long now, Delena,

550
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 1: I hope you stilly assist us. All right, So today

551
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,359
Speaker 1: we brought Delana Zimmerman on to help us understand what

552
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,959
Speaker 1: exactly is this thing called accountability and to help us

553
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,000
Speaker 1: better approach it in all spec aspects of our life

554
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:40,640
Speaker 1: and relationship. So Delna Zimmerman, Hello, Delena, how are you him? Great?

555
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell I'm gonna tell our people a little

556
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 1: bit about you. So Delana Zimmerman is a trauma recovery coach,

557
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,040
Speaker 1: a motivational speaker, and a license marriage and family therapist.

558
00:27:50,119 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 1: She's also a television personality, best known for her psychotherapy

559
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:59,199
Speaker 1: cameos on v H one's Basketball Wives of l A.

560
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 1: As a motivation speaker, Delna brings more than twenty years

561
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 1: of experience and tools engaging audiences locally, nationally, and internationally.

562
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:13,119
Speaker 1: Do you have quite the resume? Missting like that? Like that? So?

563
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: How are you today? First and foremost? Has everything been

564
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: so far shaping out all right for you? So far?

565
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:22,920
Speaker 1: It's good. It's challenged me to stretch and grow. I'm

566
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,359
Speaker 1: not always knowing what obstacles it is I have to

567
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,119
Speaker 1: leave and who does right? I supposed you have to

568
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,720
Speaker 1: leave right in order to go to the next level?

569
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: Got me ready? But I'm moving now, I'm in action,

570
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:40,160
Speaker 1: So I'm decided. Good, that's here, Delena. It's um, it's glad.

571
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,120
Speaker 1: I'm glad to have you on because Codein and I

572
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:46,360
Speaker 1: have built pretty much built a platform on being transparent

573
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,400
Speaker 1: with each other. And the one thing I've learned about

574
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 1: being transparent with my wife in the public eye is

575
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: how uncomfortable transparency between two people's make the rest of

576
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 1: the world. Um, But I will have to say this

577
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 1: that Codeina and I were able to become more transparent

578
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,400
Speaker 1: with each other when we started to understand each other's

579
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:06,800
Speaker 1: family dynamic, her nuclear family she grew up in, and

580
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 1: my nuclear family and I grew up in. And I

581
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: started to realize my flaws and issues I've had with

582
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:15,200
Speaker 1: communication because I thought the way that my family communicated

583
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: was the only way someone can communicate. UM, can you

584
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 1: talk a little bit about understanding your own personal family

585
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,240
Speaker 1: trauma and what you bring to a relationship when you

586
00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:27,480
Speaker 1: don't deal with that trauma. Oh wow, that's a beautiful question,

587
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 1: and I'm so glad you asked it. Um. Many people

588
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 1: get into relationships and the delusion that they're going to

589
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: meet someone who's going to meet their needs and their

590
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:41,040
Speaker 1: emotional needs, you know. And nobody got out of their

591
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 1: family system unscathed, no one, did, you know, Like everyone was,

592
00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: UM has some residue of their experience with their parents

593
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:57,120
Speaker 1: or with the sibling system. And UM, and unless those

594
00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 1: things are addressed, than partners believe that the other partners

595
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:05,080
Speaker 1: responsible to make them feel whole in the areas that

596
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:08,640
Speaker 1: they don't feel whole. And so it is a lie

597
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 1: that really Loved Songs told us this lie they told

598
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 1: us that, you know, you would need someone to meet

599
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:17,280
Speaker 1: your all your needs. Disney told us that, but the

600
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 1: work has to happen on the inside. And since we're

601
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 1: talking about accountability, individuals are responsible for their individual healing,

602
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 1: and so you can bring a whole self to a

603
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 1: relationship and then you can participate in the relationship, you know,

604
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: with less um danger because everyone's looking for safe. So

605
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:41,960
Speaker 1: I have a question, how what is the easiest way?

606
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,400
Speaker 1: And I try to say easiest way because a lot

607
00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 1: of people are taken back by our approach where we

608
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,760
Speaker 1: just pretty much tell each other how it is. What

609
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,440
Speaker 1: is the easiest way to tell our listeners to talk

610
00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 1: to their partner about dealing with their own family traumas

611
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 1: before trying to come into a relationship, because that's that

612
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: was something could I was. The first five years of

613
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,920
Speaker 1: our marriage, we were like at odds because she dealt

614
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,000
Speaker 1: with things her way and I dealt with things my way.

615
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,440
Speaker 1: She thought she was right, I thought I was right,

616
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:12,320
Speaker 1: and we both were wrong, you know. But it got

617
00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,280
Speaker 1: to a point where we just like, you know what effort.

618
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 1: You know, I don't like the way you do this

619
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 1: because your family, and I started calling out her family.

620
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: She started calling out my family and it worked for us,

621
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,520
Speaker 1: but that don't work for everybody. So what's an easy

622
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:27,960
Speaker 1: way or a healthy way to speak to your partner

623
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:32,440
Speaker 1: about dealing with their family trauma. Um, First of all,

624
00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: you have to first admit that we're just humans. Nobody

625
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,560
Speaker 1: knows what they're doing. You know, we're raising you guys

626
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,760
Speaker 1: are raising kids like every day is an experiment, right,

627
00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,840
Speaker 1: every single day as an experiment, And and what happened

628
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,840
Speaker 1: last Tuesday is not gonna happen this Tuesday. And so

629
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,360
Speaker 1: what I think is important in a relationship is to

630
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,200
Speaker 1: agree that we're just humans, right, and that that takes

631
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,800
Speaker 1: the ego out of it that I really don't I've

632
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 1: never done this before. I've never in this age before,

633
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,320
Speaker 1: I've never had these responsibilities before, I never bid this

634
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 1: person before. And so to answer your question specifically, I

635
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 1: think it's important for couples to understand that relationships need

636
00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 1: room room space for you to grow and develop and

637
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,840
Speaker 1: learn from your mistakes. And if we're in a relationship,

638
00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 1: that means that your real promise to me is that

639
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,440
Speaker 1: you're gonna work it out with me while I make

640
00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:27,080
Speaker 1: my mistakes in front of you, while I grow up

641
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 1: in front of you while I be come in front

642
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 1: of you. And if there ain't no room for that

643
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:37,080
Speaker 1: the relationship, yeah, you need space along with the grace

644
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:38,800
Speaker 1: to go with it, you know what I mean to me,

645
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:43,680
Speaker 1: It just sounds so cliche and simple that when you

646
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: say that, but then people always have a torture. I

647
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,720
Speaker 1: ain't giving nobody grace. I'm not letting nobody cheat on me.

648
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:50,800
Speaker 1: I ain't letting nobody walk all over and nobody talk

649
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:52,800
Speaker 1: to me on how And it's like, no one's telling

650
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 1: you to let anybody do anything but giving someone grace,

651
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 1: what exactly is giving someone healthy grace? I think we

652
00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 1: should take it back to the first to the topic,

653
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:05,760
Speaker 1: which is accountability and what is the difference delana between

654
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 1: someone being blamed for something and then accountability, because I

655
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 1: think that's like where it starts. You know, you can't

656
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:15,080
Speaker 1: be held accountable until, like you said, you admit or

657
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,920
Speaker 1: you're aware, there's a self awareness that there is something

658
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 1: that's wrong per se or something that needs to be addressed.

659
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 1: So how do we know when we're blaming someone versus

660
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:30,120
Speaker 1: just requesting that they take a front ability? Um, So

661
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 1: a lot of the family system comes with blame, and

662
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 1: I know that's how it is culturally. You know, the

663
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,320
Speaker 1: face gets broke, who broke it right? And then it

664
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,960
Speaker 1: has to be blame and punishment. So we come from

665
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:48,160
Speaker 1: a pattern of that blame and punishment. I mean, if

666
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 1: we just look at our history, it's just that's what happened.

667
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 1: Somebody has to take responsibility. There has to be justice

668
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 1: per se in the relationship. I come from a stance

669
00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:04,440
Speaker 1: or I believe deeply that our problems, my problem, your

670
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 1: problem begins and ends with you. So if you're cheating,

671
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:10,719
Speaker 1: we need to look at that. Like, there's no way

672
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:12,880
Speaker 1: we can't look at that's something that needs to be

673
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:16,799
Speaker 1: resolved in you. I'm not responsible for your cheating. You're

674
00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 1: responsible for your cheating if it's if it's a deal

675
00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,160
Speaker 1: breaker for me, If you're outside of the agreements of

676
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:25,360
Speaker 1: our relationship, then we need to look at the accountability

677
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 1: to our agreements. So that's the difference between blaming and

678
00:34:29,239 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 1: taking accountability. Relationships should have agreements, we should agree, but

679
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 1: what are the what are the what's the circumference of

680
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:40,160
Speaker 1: our relationship? What is included in our relationship? One of

681
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:44,200
Speaker 1: the agreements you have is transparency. So when you're outside

682
00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,319
Speaker 1: of that, then you have to have accountability for what

683
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,160
Speaker 1: you've agreed to. Well, mostly people don't know to have

684
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 1: agreements and relationships. They just get in pretending they know

685
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 1: what to do and hopefully the other person does too.

686
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,080
Speaker 1: And if you break what is a rule that everybody knows,

687
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:01,319
Speaker 1: or you break my family constitute or the sins that

688
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:04,239
Speaker 1: I hold against people, then I begin to blame you

689
00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,719
Speaker 1: for how I feel. But you're not responsible for how

690
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 1: I feel. I'm responsible for how I feel because I

691
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,520
Speaker 1: feel from the filter or the perspective of my life.

692
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,359
Speaker 1: If I've been a victim of my life, then I'll

693
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:20,520
Speaker 1: be a victim in this relationship. Ah So, so one

694
00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:22,680
Speaker 1: thing that Canine and I struggle with till this day

695
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:26,680
Speaker 1: is even outside of just our family units and our

696
00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 1: sibling structure. Right, I was a Division one athlete and

697
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,719
Speaker 1: a professional athlete. They held you accountable by putting you

698
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,640
Speaker 1: in front of a camera and pointing out all of

699
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 1: your flaws. So I became comfortable with that. So when

700
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,200
Speaker 1: I sit down and talk to k sometimes that's the

701
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,400
Speaker 1: only way I know how to point out accountability is

702
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:48,000
Speaker 1: to say, Babe, you did this wrong, and for her,

703
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:50,560
Speaker 1: she feels like, well, you're always blaming me or you're

704
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,680
Speaker 1: always like knitpicking, like there's a laundry list of things

705
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:56,160
Speaker 1: that he down is like he's giving me specific So

706
00:35:56,160 --> 00:35:58,759
Speaker 1: which specifics help? Because sometimes you'll just say, well, you

707
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 1: don't do this, and and I'll retort with well when

708
00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:06,239
Speaker 1: when you know, give me a specific scenario. So, so

709
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: my my question is is there a healthy and unhealthy

710
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:13,400
Speaker 1: way to hold your partner accountable? And what are some

711
00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:15,560
Speaker 1: tools people can take home and say, you know what,

712
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,239
Speaker 1: I want to hold my partner accountable, but I don't

713
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:20,640
Speaker 1: want her or him to feel blamed and I don't

714
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:24,840
Speaker 1: want to feel like I'm attacking them, you know, m um.

715
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,759
Speaker 1: So the point I made and the last question was

716
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,520
Speaker 1: about so if if if your partners sensitive from their

717
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:35,920
Speaker 1: childhood experience. Right. So, in my relationship, I'm an only

718
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:40,280
Speaker 1: child and my partners is comes from a family of seven,

719
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,839
Speaker 1: so he has tougher skin than I. Right, So he

720
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 1: says things in a way that make me feel uncomfortable,

721
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,000
Speaker 1: But the truth is he doesn't make me feel anything.

722
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:58,080
Speaker 1: I bring that predisposition to sensitivity to the relationship and

723
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 1: he brings a tougher thing to the relationship. We're not

724
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:06,719
Speaker 1: making each other anything. I that's how I process and

725
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:11,919
Speaker 1: experience conflict. That's how our process and experience right when

726
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:17,760
Speaker 1: someone brings me something, that is a constructive criticism. Right,

727
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:21,400
Speaker 1: So the relationship again has to have space for and

728
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 1: he I'd like to talk to you about how we're

729
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,919
Speaker 1: handling the dishes, and then there can be a conversation

730
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:29,880
Speaker 1: about how we're handling the dishes. I need the spoons

731
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,680
Speaker 1: to be up, not down, because they get spots on

732
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,359
Speaker 1: them and it seems like something minor. But you can

733
00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:38,360
Speaker 1: say the dishes, I mean the spoon is down again,

734
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:42,240
Speaker 1: and then I feel not good enough in the relationship

735
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,600
Speaker 1: because I've made an error. But I bring that to

736
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:48,000
Speaker 1: the relationship that's not new to you. You don't place

737
00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:51,279
Speaker 1: it in me, so you're not responsible for At the

738
00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:54,480
Speaker 1: point I'm trying to make is you're not responsible. You

739
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,920
Speaker 1: didn't put that in me. And when I feel it,

740
00:37:57,520 --> 00:37:59,560
Speaker 1: I want you to stick your hand down my throat

741
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:01,960
Speaker 1: and turn the switch so I can stop feeling it.

742
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:07,319
Speaker 1: You know, I'm gonna tell you why. That's that's so

743
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 1: crystal clear to me. I've been trained and nurtured as

744
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 1: a young man to not feel you know I've been

745
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,800
Speaker 1: you fall, get up, don't cry. Being the first born

746
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,400
Speaker 1: in my family, my parents were always on me and

747
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: I couldn't respond with an emotional response because that was

748
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:27,520
Speaker 1: not acceptable as a young man. Then being an athlete,

749
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:29,560
Speaker 1: They're gonna tell you and curse you. I'll call you

750
00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:31,680
Speaker 1: all sorts of name. Do not respond, listen to what

751
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:35,200
Speaker 1: I'm saying, be accountable and fix it. But as a

752
00:38:35,239 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 1: young woman, Cadeine was raised differently. She was raised to,

753
00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:43,000
Speaker 1: you know, be emotional and have emotional I was emotional

754
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:46,040
Speaker 1: clarity or what what's the word I'm thinking of, where um,

755
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,080
Speaker 1: you're allowed to have emotional responses and be aware of

756
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:52,000
Speaker 1: how you feel like She's always it was encouraged in

757
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 1: her as a young lady. So sometimes when I say

758
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: things to her, I don't understand how she could feel

759
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:01,120
Speaker 1: a way about me saying something simple because when it

760
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,719
Speaker 1: said to me the same way, it doesn't make me

761
00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:06,440
Speaker 1: feel that way. And that's where we were different. We

762
00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 1: were struggling because I literally was like, I don't understand

763
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 1: how me saying this to you made you feel that

764
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,680
Speaker 1: way when if you say the exact same thing to me,

765
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,360
Speaker 1: I'm able to process it and it doesn't hurt. But

766
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 1: when you explain it that way, she comes with that.

767
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,920
Speaker 1: I come with this, so nobody made me feel like this.

768
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:28,160
Speaker 1: It makes sense. But yeah, I totally get that, and

769
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 1: it makes so much sense to Leana. But at one

770
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 1: point do we as adults stop leaning on or blaming

771
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:38,200
Speaker 1: how we were raised, generational traumas things like that. At

772
00:39:38,239 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 1: what point, Like, of course we know that makes us

773
00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 1: as a person, But at what point do we as

774
00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:44,399
Speaker 1: an adult say, you know what, I understand that I

775
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:47,160
Speaker 1: was raised this way or this is what I'm accustomed to.

776
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,960
Speaker 1: But then how do I break free of that because

777
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 1: I know better? Do you see that people are able

778
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:57,319
Speaker 1: to easily do that? Or no? No? Um, it's important

779
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 1: to know, you know, it's important to know, which means

780
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:04,719
Speaker 1: that you can take responsibility for yourself right and to

781
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:09,360
Speaker 1: practice something different. Learning how to metabolize your emotions is

782
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:14,400
Speaker 1: being accountable right, that that's self accountability. I have this emotion,

783
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 1: I feel it in my stomach, and whenever I feel

784
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,000
Speaker 1: that feeling in my stomach, I at the same way,

785
00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:21,399
Speaker 1: the same way I acted at eight when I felt

786
00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:23,160
Speaker 1: it in my stomach, I act the same way I

787
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:25,440
Speaker 1: acted at quill when I feel that same feeling in

788
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:29,520
Speaker 1: my stomach, right, Like, I have to take accountability for that,

789
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:32,640
Speaker 1: and so I don't have to blame my trauma, but

790
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 1: I have to recognize that I've been shaped in a

791
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:37,640
Speaker 1: particular way. So if I if my childhood shaped me

792
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 1: in a triangle, I can't expect to be a circle.

793
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:42,719
Speaker 1: If that makes sense, I'm gonna try and go on.

794
00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:45,400
Speaker 1: I have sharp edges, and so I need to honor

795
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,960
Speaker 1: that about myself and I need to make room. So

796
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:52,200
Speaker 1: if I feel triggered, right, I don't continue in the argument.

797
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:55,399
Speaker 1: We have agreements in our relationship, in our conflict where

798
00:40:55,440 --> 00:40:57,360
Speaker 1: I say, you know what I'm feeling triggered, hond you

799
00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,360
Speaker 1: give me a little bit, Let's step away from this

800
00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:01,759
Speaker 1: conversation and for a while, because I want to be

801
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:08,600
Speaker 1: responsible in the relationship. That's accountability, emotional responsibility. M hmm.

802
00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:11,239
Speaker 1: See that that makes sense, But but it makes me wonder, though,

803
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:14,839
Speaker 1: how do you raise your children to be emotionally intelligent

804
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,400
Speaker 1: so that they're not they don't put themselves in the

805
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:20,040
Speaker 1: box of just being a triangle or a circle, like

806
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:25,120
Speaker 1: I feel like even emotionally malleable to is that even

807
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:28,840
Speaker 1: possible to to make to you children. Yeah, I think so.

808
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 1: You give give your children language around feelings, teach them

809
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,160
Speaker 1: how to say how they feel, give them space to

810
00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:40,200
Speaker 1: feel that it's safe. They need to feel safe with you.

811
00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 1: You have to be the safe place for them to emote.

812
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:48,320
Speaker 1: Like you said, you know, continued that that well developed,

813
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 1: that you didn't have safety to emote. You were told

814
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:54,560
Speaker 1: it wasn't okay. So if you have sons, then it's

815
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,839
Speaker 1: important for them to know that it's not weak to say,

816
00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:00,840
Speaker 1: you know, I'm afraid too before the game. It's okay

817
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:03,439
Speaker 1: to say I have jitters. It's okay to say that

818
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,879
Speaker 1: and still run and get you some touchdowns. But it's

819
00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 1: okay to say, you know, I'm concerned about my relationships

820
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 1: at school. That they need to be able to say

821
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:16,520
Speaker 1: that to you, because I really believe that is the

822
00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 1: the the breaking down and development from age five to twelve.

823
00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:26,759
Speaker 1: That's where the inferiority complex is built in children. The

824
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:31,359
Speaker 1: inferiority slash superiority complex is built in children. So if

825
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,880
Speaker 1: they don't have a safe place in relationships where they

826
00:42:34,880 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: feel competent emotionally, that's where the trauma occurs developmentally and

827
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:45,040
Speaker 1: it manifests itself in its relationships exactly when we're dealing

828
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 1: with I know, but I think we've been doing a

829
00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:49,920
Speaker 1: great job because Jelena, we've been dealing with this. We

830
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 1: have three boys. Our oldest jackson, who's ten. We've been

831
00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,759
Speaker 1: dealing with this recently with him having like performing anxiety

832
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,720
Speaker 1: or little things like that. So Deval has been trying

833
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:00,600
Speaker 1: to and and me as well. We've been trying to

834
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:02,520
Speaker 1: make sure that he's vocal about the way he feels

835
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 1: and he doesn't bottle it up because he's a total empeth.

836
00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:08,920
Speaker 1: He totally like takes people's emotions and everything on him,

837
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:11,960
Speaker 1: so in that we want him to be expressive. So

838
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,839
Speaker 1: I think we've been trying to work with him. I've

839
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:16,960
Speaker 1: been trying to find a bout. I've been spending a

840
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:18,560
Speaker 1: lot more time with him, Like he and I do

841
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:20,799
Speaker 1: a lot more one on one stuff, and um, it's

842
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,480
Speaker 1: a thing where you know, I can tell when he's

843
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:25,680
Speaker 1: getting nervous and I say, Bro, you're nervous, right, And

844
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:27,839
Speaker 1: he was like yeah, And I'm like, you know that's okay,

845
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:30,520
Speaker 1: Like he's okay to be nervous. I used to be nervous.

846
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:32,560
Speaker 1: And I'll see him light up and he's like, Okay,

847
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:34,040
Speaker 1: so I'm nervous, So what do I do? I say,

848
00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:36,120
Speaker 1: the way you work through your nervousness is you continue

849
00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:39,720
Speaker 1: practicing while nervous, and that muscle movement becomes muscle memory

850
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,000
Speaker 1: and you'll be able to recall on it even when

851
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,360
Speaker 1: you're nervous, and you can still perform. And I've watched

852
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:48,280
Speaker 1: him like grow in doing that. Um, But I also

853
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:51,960
Speaker 1: was fearful of being a crutch and that if he

854
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 1: doesn't have his dad before a game, will he learned

855
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:58,200
Speaker 1: how to do that on his own. And I've been

856
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,480
Speaker 1: trying to work out a lot will Okay, this this

857
00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:03,960
Speaker 1: gives me hope because I, um, you know he's tending,

858
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,360
Speaker 1: so you don't want to put too much pressure on

859
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:07,799
Speaker 1: the tenuo. But I also want him to be great

860
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,560
Speaker 1: in anything. I don't care if it's sports, I don't

861
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,200
Speaker 1: care if it's acting or being a CEO. I just

862
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:15,280
Speaker 1: want him to be great, but also be emotionally intelligent.

863
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,879
Speaker 1: So when he deals with with a woman and he's

864
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:21,600
Speaker 1: able to notice what she's going through and be able

865
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:26,400
Speaker 1: to be sensitive but also respect his own boundaries and

866
00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:27,840
Speaker 1: be aware so that he's like, I don't have to

867
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:31,040
Speaker 1: take everything that comes with this. And that's what Codeine

868
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:34,120
Speaker 1: and I have learned over the last five years. I've

869
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,480
Speaker 1: learned um. I used. I say this to Condina all

870
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,560
Speaker 1: the time when we argue the Lena. I said, you know,

871
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:41,680
Speaker 1: you live in an alternate universe and she and hat

872
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:46,440
Speaker 1: and you love it here because you have a whole

873
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:51,080
Speaker 1: spaceship out in here. But you here said that is true,

874
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,920
Speaker 1: that is true, that is true. But what you said

875
00:44:54,120 --> 00:44:57,200
Speaker 1: made me realize that it doesn't matter what I say,

876
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,960
Speaker 1: how I say it, how loud I said, how quiet quiet?

877
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,080
Speaker 1: I say, She's going to receive it and feel the

878
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:04,680
Speaker 1: way she feels because of what she's been through. So

879
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,680
Speaker 1: I also can't get on myself about how she I

880
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:09,919
Speaker 1: just have to learn and make a decision of whether

881
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:11,200
Speaker 1: I want to be here or not, which I do

882
00:45:11,239 --> 00:45:13,920
Speaker 1: all the time. And Delanna, I think for me, one

883
00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:16,719
Speaker 1: word you mentioned earlier on that I rings true is

884
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: um the ego word. So in dealing with accountability, blaming, punishment,

885
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,520
Speaker 1: that whole system, leaving the ego out of it. And

886
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,440
Speaker 1: I think the harder part from me was the admittance.

887
00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:33,680
Speaker 1: Is that a word? Me admitting that maybe there was

888
00:45:33,719 --> 00:45:36,439
Speaker 1: a deficit maybe I did do something wrong, maybe I

889
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:39,640
Speaker 1: was lacking something. And it was hard for me because

890
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:41,920
Speaker 1: being a person who was always striving to just be

891
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:44,640
Speaker 1: perfect and to be liked, because I was also raised

892
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:46,000
Speaker 1: you know, you want people to like you. You want

893
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 1: people to you know, enjoy your company. So in being

894
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 1: like that, um and having that ego, I had to

895
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:54,440
Speaker 1: learn how to put the ego aside to then say, Okay,

896
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:57,799
Speaker 1: I can now get that accountability, accountability going to not

897
00:45:57,840 --> 00:46:00,000
Speaker 1: be as defensive. He always just like, you're so defensive.

898
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: You're so defensive, and he's like, why can't you just

899
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:05,640
Speaker 1: hold yourself accountable? And it sounds easy, but for me,

900
00:46:05,719 --> 00:46:08,200
Speaker 1: it was me having to admit that there was a

901
00:46:08,239 --> 00:46:11,440
Speaker 1: deficit some there somewhere there. So for somebody who's like

902
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:15,480
Speaker 1: me that may not know how to put that ego aside, Um,

903
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:18,480
Speaker 1: how do you think they should approach being able to

904
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,960
Speaker 1: be aware that they need to be accountable? Um, we

905
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:27,759
Speaker 1: have a responsibility in relationships, period, Like that's what makes

906
00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 1: them so hard is that I have to take ownership

907
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:37,120
Speaker 1: of my role, my position in the relationship like I

908
00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:42,920
Speaker 1: have to and that feeling of it's really I've named

909
00:46:42,920 --> 00:46:48,080
Speaker 1: the feeling not being good enough, you know, from age

910
00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:51,919
Speaker 1: five to twelve is where that inferiority complex is like

911
00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:55,040
Speaker 1: like built you you hit that, you hit that button,

912
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:58,799
Speaker 1: you touch that, And I hate that feeling of not

913
00:46:58,920 --> 00:47:01,520
Speaker 1: feeling good enough, so I become defensive or I become

914
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:05,320
Speaker 1: afraid that you won't left. Just described. You just described

915
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:08,600
Speaker 1: my wife like to a t like literally described. I

916
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:15,200
Speaker 1: can accept that in my old age, so in the

917
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:17,880
Speaker 1: acceptance of it, write what you said. In the acceptance

918
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:20,040
Speaker 1: of it. So every time it comes up, I know

919
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:24,120
Speaker 1: that's mine. I gotta breathe through that. I gotta I

920
00:47:24,160 --> 00:47:26,000
Speaker 1: feel the feeling. The feeling is not gonna kill me.

921
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:28,800
Speaker 1: It never has. So I have to learn how to breathe,

922
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:33,680
Speaker 1: breathe and almost oxygenate those chemicals that have been released

923
00:47:33,680 --> 00:47:36,120
Speaker 1: in my body that have that strong feeling in my

924
00:47:36,160 --> 00:47:39,640
Speaker 1: stomach I'm responsible for. And then when I can get

925
00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:42,480
Speaker 1: back to my logical mind, because I get hijacked by

926
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 1: that feeling. It always hijacks me. So when I can

927
00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:47,560
Speaker 1: get back to my logical mind and I can say

928
00:47:47,680 --> 00:47:50,239
Speaker 1: thank you, honey for pointing that out in me, I

929
00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:52,920
Speaker 1: want to be the best wife I can be. And oh,

930
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,040
Speaker 1: I felt it in my stomach. You know it's okay

931
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:58,400
Speaker 1: to say that since you all are transparent with you

932
00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:00,680
Speaker 1: you know, I felt that in my stomach right, But

933
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:04,239
Speaker 1: I understand that I want to be this version in

934
00:48:04,280 --> 00:48:06,319
Speaker 1: this marriage. I want to be this version. I want

935
00:48:06,320 --> 00:48:09,040
Speaker 1: to thank you for not letting me stay in a

936
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:13,640
Speaker 1: weakness that's accountability as well to each other, but from

937
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:17,759
Speaker 1: a place of love. No, I love that. I love

938
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:22,680
Speaker 1: that too, because you've given you've You've given me. I

939
00:48:22,719 --> 00:48:25,080
Speaker 1: don't want to say, a tool, but you've given me

940
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:28,240
Speaker 1: some awareness to see when I just need to stop

941
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:32,400
Speaker 1: saying what I'm saying and let her process what's going on,

942
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,600
Speaker 1: because it doesn't matter how I say it, because we've

943
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,880
Speaker 1: had arguments before where you know, the old adages is

944
00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:39,719
Speaker 1: not what you say, is how you say it. So

945
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:42,160
Speaker 1: I've tried that. I've tried to be you know, quiet

946
00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:43,840
Speaker 1: and be like, hey, babe, I just want to point

947
00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:47,000
Speaker 1: out that, and then I get this big response back,

948
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:51,120
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm like and to me, it almost

949
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:53,080
Speaker 1: comes across as if he's patronizing me, and like, why

950
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:54,839
Speaker 1: are you coming over to me whispering? I get you're

951
00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:57,160
Speaker 1: trying to do this approach thing, but at the same time,

952
00:48:57,280 --> 00:48:59,439
Speaker 1: it just sounds like you're patronizing me. But at least,

953
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:01,399
Speaker 1: but at least I'm know now I'm aware to say,

954
00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:03,080
Speaker 1: you know what, it doesn't matter how I say this,

955
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,880
Speaker 1: it's going to hit her because she's afraid of that

956
00:49:06,920 --> 00:49:09,640
Speaker 1: accountability thing. So let me let her process that and

957
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:12,799
Speaker 1: she can go through her her way of process again

958
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:14,520
Speaker 1: and then come back when she's available. That at least

959
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:17,399
Speaker 1: that gives me some some you know, some ways to

960
00:49:17,400 --> 00:49:20,640
Speaker 1: to work on that. Both have like grown out of

961
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:23,880
Speaker 1: whatever we were conditioned to in to an extent, you know,

962
00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:25,719
Speaker 1: with our families and stuff like that, we're able to

963
00:49:25,719 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 1: now know how to communicate as a couple because I

964
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:30,600
Speaker 1: can't always blame how I was raised. I just kind

965
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 1: of feel like that's that's me using a crutch at

966
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:34,320
Speaker 1: this point, like, well, that's not the way I was raised,

967
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:36,319
Speaker 1: you know, me being at the point I am in

968
00:49:36,360 --> 00:49:38,920
Speaker 1: my life with you, um and us being this far

969
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:41,680
Speaker 1: entire relationship. We're going on almost nineteen years, Delena, so

970
00:49:42,040 --> 00:49:44,880
Speaker 1: we've had to learn how to be emotionally malleable at

971
00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 1: this point with each other. No, absolutely, But you know, Dena,

972
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:50,400
Speaker 1: what I've heard from a lot of a lot of

973
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:52,480
Speaker 1: men and older men in my community. I've heard this

974
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:55,200
Speaker 1: a lot, is that women don't like to be accountable, right,

975
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:57,840
Speaker 1: It's like they're just emotional. They don't think logically, remember

976
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 1: you say, get back to the logical mind. They don't

977
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,480
Speaker 1: think lodge ly. Where I've I've actually found the opposite,

978
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:04,440
Speaker 1: especially in this day and age, with women who have

979
00:50:04,640 --> 00:50:07,040
Speaker 1: who have had to exist in corporate America. A lot

980
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:09,840
Speaker 1: more women are athletes. Now I've actually found the opposite.

981
00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:12,520
Speaker 1: But I have found that I can. I find that

982
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,040
Speaker 1: in women who do exist in the corporate culture and

983
00:50:15,040 --> 00:50:18,120
Speaker 1: who do exist in athletes, and women who don't typically

984
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:21,640
Speaker 1: are a little bit more um like a little bit

985
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:24,600
Speaker 1: more fearful of accountabilitycause they feel attacked. But I also

986
00:50:24,680 --> 00:50:27,040
Speaker 1: understand where that comes from. In the patriarchy. There's women

987
00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:29,279
Speaker 1: who are held to a standard where you have to

988
00:50:29,320 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 1: be this to be considered good enough to be a mate.

989
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:34,239
Speaker 1: And I get where that comes from. And my my

990
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:39,000
Speaker 1: question is, as a man raising sons, right, how then

991
00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:41,280
Speaker 1: this dating process, because we have a lot of listeners

992
00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:44,279
Speaker 1: who date, and how do I teach my sons to

993
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:49,200
Speaker 1: be aware of those flaws or the things they find

994
00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:53,520
Speaker 1: in women, or how to not only be malleable emotionally,

995
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:56,920
Speaker 1: but accept people in their their flaws as dating because

996
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,120
Speaker 1: a lot of people nowadays, if you're not exactly what

997
00:50:59,160 --> 00:51:01,440
Speaker 1: I want on the first second date, then moving on.

998
00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:04,840
Speaker 1: But you can't build anything like that. Now, you know

999
00:51:04,880 --> 00:51:07,160
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So how do I teach my sons

1000
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:09,239
Speaker 1: to be to be aware of the stuff they're looking

1001
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:13,000
Speaker 1: for emotionally in people. I'll tell you what you teach

1002
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:15,920
Speaker 1: your sons every day. They won't do what you say.

1003
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:18,520
Speaker 1: They're gonna do what they see. I'm gonna tell you that. Now.

1004
00:51:19,239 --> 00:51:21,319
Speaker 1: My mother used to say to me, don't do as

1005
00:51:21,360 --> 00:51:23,680
Speaker 1: I write, don't do as I do, do as I say,

1006
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:26,080
Speaker 1: And it was impossible. I could only become what she

1007
00:51:26,360 --> 00:51:28,680
Speaker 1: was right. So I would just want to say that.

1008
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:31,640
Speaker 1: So we're talking about the family system. Remember you are one.

1009
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:34,759
Speaker 1: So your sons are going to treat women the way

1010
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:37,360
Speaker 1: they see you treat your wife, and they're going to

1011
00:51:37,480 --> 00:51:40,480
Speaker 1: love women based on the relationship that they have with

1012
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:43,479
Speaker 1: their mother. Now, I know we're in this drive through

1013
00:51:43,719 --> 00:51:46,480
Speaker 1: world now and everything's a swipe to the left, a

1014
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:48,719
Speaker 1: swipe to the right. I get it. There's a reservoir

1015
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:51,520
Speaker 1: of human beings. Now you know, I got it. So,

1016
00:51:52,239 --> 00:51:58,200
Speaker 1: uh sometimes a very murky reservoir. Yeah, you know, it's

1017
00:51:58,239 --> 00:52:01,880
Speaker 1: it's very interesting how um things have been kind of

1018
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:03,560
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't like it's water down, but

1019
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:07,680
Speaker 1: I get it. Okay. So to answer your question, your

1020
00:52:07,800 --> 00:52:12,440
Speaker 1: son's I feel deeply about what I'm about to say.

1021
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:16,560
Speaker 1: I feel that young men are not taught the responsibility

1022
00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:21,520
Speaker 1: they have to be a man just to have a penis.

1023
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 1: It's like a very it's such a responsibility because if

1024
00:52:25,640 --> 00:52:28,840
Speaker 1: you don't know the power that's in your hand, you

1025
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:33,279
Speaker 1: won't treat it effectively. You won't be responsible with me,

1026
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:39,000
Speaker 1: your weaponize yourself. You and and and women suffer at

1027
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:42,080
Speaker 1: the end of the irresponsible man. I know, we could

1028
00:52:42,080 --> 00:52:44,680
Speaker 1: say a whole lot about women, but understand, if the

1029
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:47,239
Speaker 1: man is not in the home, the man is not

1030
00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:50,200
Speaker 1: in the home right and the mother is forced to

1031
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:53,040
Speaker 1: try to raise a daughter and try to raise a son.

1032
00:52:53,480 --> 00:52:55,880
Speaker 1: But if the man is in the home, that we

1033
00:52:55,960 --> 00:52:59,160
Speaker 1: have a more balanced and intact experience. Does that make sense?

1034
00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:02,480
Speaker 1: Makes If the man is missing and we know our

1035
00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:05,799
Speaker 1: history where the man is missing, okay, and you have

1036
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:11,840
Speaker 1: an imbalance in the development of children, period Okay, so

1037
00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 1: think your son has your sons like my children. No,

1038
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,719
Speaker 1: my son knows that girls who didn't grow up in

1039
00:53:19,760 --> 00:53:23,600
Speaker 1: a particular environment or who present in a particular way

1040
00:53:23,640 --> 00:53:27,480
Speaker 1: potentially have this foundation. And you have to decide if

1041
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:29,520
Speaker 1: that's what you want to invest in, or do you

1042
00:53:29,520 --> 00:53:32,319
Speaker 1: want to invest in something that's more principled. So I

1043
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,920
Speaker 1: would encourage you to teach your sons to see women

1044
00:53:36,239 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 1: as humans and powerful and precious and potentially your wife

1045
00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:44,719
Speaker 1: or your daughter there are someone's daughter, you know what

1046
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:47,719
Speaker 1: I mean, So that they're careful with them and that

1047
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:51,120
Speaker 1: they see into the humanity of them and not just

1048
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:54,680
Speaker 1: the exterior of them. Right, you can teach them that

1049
00:53:54,680 --> 00:53:58,560
Speaker 1: that body is gonna change, right, that's everything's gonna change.

1050
00:53:58,680 --> 00:54:01,960
Speaker 1: But if the inside of them, if they are lovable, right,

1051
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:05,120
Speaker 1: if they are peaceful people, if they are willing to

1052
00:54:05,239 --> 00:54:09,640
Speaker 1: grow and change and evolve, that's that's how that's the

1053
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:12,799
Speaker 1: type of woman that you want to engage in. That's

1054
00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:15,040
Speaker 1: who you want to grow with. But if you don't

1055
00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:18,120
Speaker 1: take time to get to know that, then you are

1056
00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:21,239
Speaker 1: just looking for an exterior thing that is temporary and

1057
00:54:21,239 --> 00:54:23,360
Speaker 1: it's going to change. I also want to add spiritual

1058
00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:26,920
Speaker 1: people who have a basis or belief that they belong

1059
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:31,240
Speaker 1: right to the bigger picture, to add to the creator,

1060
00:54:31,360 --> 00:54:35,359
Speaker 1: to the universe. They evolve better, they evolved stronger, They

1061
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:39,440
Speaker 1: have faith for the future, and you can build with that. Well,

1062
00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:42,600
Speaker 1: you know what I struggle with two is um even

1063
00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:45,480
Speaker 1: we don't have a daughter yet. I'm always put out

1064
00:54:45,520 --> 00:54:51,400
Speaker 1: thea that on pushing child and have a have a daughter,

1065
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:55,160
Speaker 1: but I do struggle with how to raise a daughter

1066
00:54:55,360 --> 00:54:57,880
Speaker 1: in this world where, like you said, there is a

1067
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:00,560
Speaker 1: purpose and the privilege of being a man and having

1068
00:55:00,600 --> 00:55:05,200
Speaker 1: a penis right, but also understanding that men have been

1069
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:09,080
Speaker 1: discarded in this current climate. Everything that you do that's masculine,

1070
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:11,480
Speaker 1: even though you'll say be a man. Everything a man

1071
00:55:11,600 --> 00:55:14,879
Speaker 1: does that's masculine. They call a toxic. So if you're

1072
00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:18,560
Speaker 1: raising a young girl, what type of person do you

1073
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:21,040
Speaker 1: you raise her to be? As far as accepting a

1074
00:55:21,080 --> 00:55:24,759
Speaker 1: man in her life and understanding the privileges that men have,

1075
00:55:24,920 --> 00:55:26,879
Speaker 1: but also saying you also have to let a man

1076
00:55:27,480 --> 00:55:30,000
Speaker 1: be a man because men are needed in the homes.

1077
00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:33,759
Speaker 1: It's almost like messages are opposite. You know, we need

1078
00:55:33,800 --> 00:55:35,480
Speaker 1: men in the homes, we need men to be men.

1079
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:37,440
Speaker 1: But then when a man tries to be a man,

1080
00:55:37,480 --> 00:55:40,080
Speaker 1: it's like everything you do that's masculine is toxic. So

1081
00:55:40,160 --> 00:55:43,600
Speaker 1: it's like like where where's the balance, where's the happy medium?

1082
00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:46,279
Speaker 1: Because we we even see what Kadine and I if

1083
00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:49,239
Speaker 1: I will hear women will say all the time. You know,

1084
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:52,800
Speaker 1: men need to you know, pay the bills, prevent, protect, provide,

1085
00:55:52,880 --> 00:55:54,880
Speaker 1: da dada. So I we had a podcast where I

1086
00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:57,600
Speaker 1: talked about what my responsibilities and I said that I

1087
00:55:57,640 --> 00:56:00,520
Speaker 1: love to provide and protect and some women took it as, oh,

1088
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:02,279
Speaker 1: he's sexist. He doesn't because I said I don't want

1089
00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:07,680
Speaker 1: Cadine to pay chicken as me being submissive, and he

1090
00:56:07,760 --> 00:56:09,640
Speaker 1: was just like I just thought that that was my role,

1091
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:11,680
Speaker 1: that's as a as a man, Like that's what I

1092
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:14,040
Speaker 1: do as a man. But it's kind of difficult in

1093
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:17,160
Speaker 1: this day and age to find these, you know, find

1094
00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:19,680
Speaker 1: where exactly what is toxic, what's not toxic when it

1095
00:56:19,680 --> 00:56:22,920
Speaker 1: comes to masculinity, what is acceptable or not acceptable from

1096
00:56:22,920 --> 00:56:25,600
Speaker 1: a woman, you know, being with a man. So my

1097
00:56:25,719 --> 00:56:28,160
Speaker 1: question is having a daughter, If we have a daughter,

1098
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:38,279
Speaker 1: I'm praying on it as much responsibility as we have

1099
00:56:38,400 --> 00:56:41,920
Speaker 1: to put on men. Right, what tips do you have

1100
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:44,840
Speaker 1: for me in having a daughter, to raise a daughter.

1101
00:56:44,920 --> 00:56:49,480
Speaker 1: That's you know, I know that this answer is going

1102
00:56:49,520 --> 00:56:51,680
Speaker 1: to be censored. I just want to say that now.

1103
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:56,919
Speaker 1: But I am going to be as honest as I

1104
00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,879
Speaker 1: can about this. I have a daughter, Okay, she said,

1105
00:57:00,080 --> 00:57:07,360
Speaker 1: team Um and um, the definitions are changing. It seems

1106
00:57:07,400 --> 00:57:12,719
Speaker 1: like to me like I am frustrated with it. And um,

1107
00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:16,280
Speaker 1: so you talked about that that corporate America woman, right,

1108
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:23,720
Speaker 1: she has this psychological independence and um, she really is

1109
00:57:23,760 --> 00:57:33,040
Speaker 1: a man. So she and she gonna struggle in a

1110
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:40,400
Speaker 1: relationship with a man period. Okay. Um. So the idea

1111
00:57:40,400 --> 00:57:45,680
Speaker 1: about submission and I had to learn this myself. Um,

1112
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:49,800
Speaker 1: submission is submitting to myself as a woman. So that's

1113
00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:52,640
Speaker 1: what I teach to my daughter. You submit to yourself

1114
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:54,800
Speaker 1: as a woman, but you have to understand what it

1115
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:56,880
Speaker 1: is to be a woman in what your feminine energy

1116
00:57:56,960 --> 00:57:59,800
Speaker 1: is and what power is in that and not giving

1117
00:58:00,040 --> 00:58:03,960
Speaker 1: up and retarded for a role as a man. We're

1118
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:07,400
Speaker 1: often in our masculine energy because we're producing. I'm always producing.

1119
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:09,720
Speaker 1: I'm working all day. I'm because you know, I'm in

1120
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:12,320
Speaker 1: the flow. I'm logical, I'm you know, doing this all

1121
00:58:12,400 --> 00:58:15,880
Speaker 1: day with my man. I need to be in my

1122
00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:20,040
Speaker 1: feminine energy. I need to be uh soft, and I

1123
00:58:20,120 --> 00:58:22,760
Speaker 1: need to be kind, and I need to be nurturing.

1124
00:58:22,880 --> 00:58:25,120
Speaker 1: I need to be a place of peace. And so

1125
00:58:25,160 --> 00:58:28,080
Speaker 1: I have to understand that that is what makes me

1126
00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:31,680
Speaker 1: so powerful that I have the ability to be that

1127
00:58:32,560 --> 00:58:36,600
Speaker 1: right the safe place for him as he has been

1128
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,840
Speaker 1: in the world being his black face and his powerful

1129
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:44,720
Speaker 1: self right and and and his male energy. Where where's

1130
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:47,080
Speaker 1: his piece? If it's not with me, If I'm not

1131
00:58:47,120 --> 00:58:49,760
Speaker 1: the holder of the hearts, I have to be the

1132
00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 1: holder of the hearts. You have to hold all those hearts,

1133
00:58:52,040 --> 00:58:54,720
Speaker 1: all those men's hearts in your family. Have to be

1134
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 1: the ceature of it. And that's the responsibility the woman.

1135
00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:00,800
Speaker 1: I hear, my daughter, she has a brother right here,

1136
00:59:00,800 --> 00:59:04,680
Speaker 1: are talking crazy to a moon? Right And so I say,

1137
00:59:05,520 --> 00:59:07,160
Speaker 1: after that, I come here and I said, babe, I

1138
00:59:07,320 --> 00:59:10,240
Speaker 1: need you to develop I need you to break that habit.

1139
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:15,120
Speaker 1: Where does she learn it? Where did I learn it? Okay?

1140
00:59:15,360 --> 00:59:19,880
Speaker 1: I asked my daughter to change and practice that tone

1141
00:59:19,880 --> 00:59:23,160
Speaker 1: of voice, like break that because you are not going

1142
00:59:23,600 --> 00:59:26,880
Speaker 1: to be able to be effective in your relationship for

1143
00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:31,840
Speaker 1: the long haul with your husband. He can't respond effectively

1144
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:36,040
Speaker 1: to that tone of voice. Mm hmm, you see that,

1145
00:59:36,120 --> 00:59:39,320
Speaker 1: And that's I think is what's triggering two women, especially

1146
00:59:39,320 --> 00:59:41,440
Speaker 1: existing in the patriarchy, where they feel like they have

1147
00:59:41,560 --> 00:59:44,240
Speaker 1: to submit themselves to a man in order to exist.

1148
00:59:44,680 --> 00:59:46,920
Speaker 1: But to me, I think it's the contrary, because I

1149
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:50,080
Speaker 1: think me we as men, have to be accountable to say,

1150
00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:53,080
Speaker 1: your wife or the woman you're dating is not going

1151
00:59:53,120 --> 00:59:56,120
Speaker 1: to be able to respond if you approach her with

1152
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:59,440
Speaker 1: the level of of being insensitive or a level of

1153
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:02,920
Speaker 1: condescen mention or feeling like you're superior. I feel like

1154
01:00:03,080 --> 01:00:05,040
Speaker 1: both have and we talk about this all the time,

1155
01:00:05,440 --> 01:00:10,120
Speaker 1: being accountable for ourselves to serve each other. So it's

1156
01:00:10,120 --> 01:00:13,200
Speaker 1: not just about a woman serving a man. It's also

1157
01:00:13,200 --> 01:00:16,480
Speaker 1: about me as a man serving my woman. You know

1158
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,479
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, And we hear it all the time.

1159
01:00:19,040 --> 01:00:22,840
Speaker 1: Any time I post anything about serving my wife, men

1160
01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:26,800
Speaker 1: call me a simple any time she posts anything about

1161
01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:30,680
Speaker 1: serving me, women say she's too submissive. But for me,

1162
01:00:32,160 --> 01:00:36,080
Speaker 1: it's just I think it's like you said, I want

1163
01:00:36,120 --> 01:00:39,280
Speaker 1: to be the place that he comes to to decompress

1164
01:00:39,320 --> 01:00:41,720
Speaker 1: and to be, you know, being a black man, especially

1165
01:00:41,720 --> 01:00:44,040
Speaker 1: in this world today, and we're raising three black sons.

1166
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:48,440
Speaker 1: I need to be that safe haven of peace for

1167
01:00:48,480 --> 01:00:52,920
Speaker 1: them to be able to let the of the entire world.

1168
01:00:53,080 --> 01:00:55,520
Speaker 1: You know, if we're not that for each other, then

1169
01:00:55,520 --> 01:00:58,880
Speaker 1: what are we doing rommating and having sex? Like otherwise?

1170
01:00:58,880 --> 01:01:02,000
Speaker 1: What is this but that? But that's that's exactly what

1171
01:01:02,040 --> 01:01:05,880
Speaker 1: people think relationships are. I'm so I'm never supposed to submit.

1172
01:01:06,040 --> 01:01:08,760
Speaker 1: She's never supposed to submit. I'm supposed to get everything

1173
01:01:08,840 --> 01:01:11,880
Speaker 1: I want from her, and I'm not supposed to I'm

1174
01:01:11,880 --> 01:01:14,200
Speaker 1: not supposed to sacrifice anything. She's supposed to do the

1175
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:16,200
Speaker 1: same thing. And we're supposed to live happily ever after

1176
01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:19,720
Speaker 1: when the marriage. People who have been in successful marriages

1177
01:01:19,840 --> 01:01:23,880
Speaker 1: know that it's not possible, and then there's buzzwords that

1178
01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:26,080
Speaker 1: trigger people to be like, that's why I'll never be

1179
01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:28,520
Speaker 1: in a relationship because I'm never gonna submit or I'm

1180
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:31,520
Speaker 1: never gonna sacrifice. Why I gotta sacrifice what I want

1181
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:33,960
Speaker 1: to make him feel better? Why I gotta sacrifice what

1182
01:01:34,040 --> 01:01:36,200
Speaker 1: I want to make her feel better. That's what a

1183
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:40,760
Speaker 1: relationship is, and it's being accountable, like like me as

1184
01:01:40,760 --> 01:01:42,720
Speaker 1: a man. That's one thing I will tell you, Delna.

1185
01:01:43,600 --> 01:01:46,280
Speaker 1: I had to learn to be accountable to myself to

1186
01:01:46,400 --> 01:01:50,920
Speaker 1: stop being selfish, stop with my ego, and listen. I

1187
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:52,400
Speaker 1: had to learn that, and I had to learn to

1188
01:01:52,480 --> 01:01:56,919
Speaker 1: accept that people are gonna view me as less than

1189
01:01:56,960 --> 01:02:00,000
Speaker 1: the masculine man because I'm working to serve my wife

1190
01:02:00,440 --> 01:02:03,080
Speaker 1: and to be honest my my relationship. And I got

1191
01:02:03,120 --> 01:02:05,840
Speaker 1: happier when I did that. I was accountable to know

1192
01:02:06,000 --> 01:02:07,520
Speaker 1: what it was going to be because at this point,

1193
01:02:07,560 --> 01:02:09,560
Speaker 1: I'm not serving all the other people in my marriage.

1194
01:02:09,560 --> 01:02:12,480
Speaker 1: I'm not serving what their expectations are of me. I'm

1195
01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:14,760
Speaker 1: serving this woman. And for me, it was a lot

1196
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:17,400
Speaker 1: of unlearning of things that I thought needed to exist

1197
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:19,720
Speaker 1: in a relationship, thought needed to happen in a relationship,

1198
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:22,360
Speaker 1: looking at relationships around me and saying, oh, I don't

1199
01:02:22,440 --> 01:02:24,920
Speaker 1: want to be like them or them over there, and

1200
01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:27,120
Speaker 1: not so much. I had to unlearn a lot to

1201
01:02:27,200 --> 01:02:29,560
Speaker 1: then be able to be more tuned into my husband

1202
01:02:29,840 --> 01:02:31,400
Speaker 1: and just realized that at the end of the day,

1203
01:02:31,600 --> 01:02:33,200
Speaker 1: we have to lay next to each other at night,

1204
01:02:33,680 --> 01:02:37,040
Speaker 1: forget what everybody else says, like literally literally had to

1205
01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:39,840
Speaker 1: come down for us to then say, you know, we

1206
01:02:39,960 --> 01:02:44,800
Speaker 1: got this, your adult lanny. Because I've learned some things,

1207
01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:48,960
Speaker 1: especially I've learned, you know, at least how we communicate,

1208
01:02:49,000 --> 01:02:52,000
Speaker 1: and also understanding that it's not what I say or

1209
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:54,560
Speaker 1: how I say, it's understanding how she's going to receive it,

1210
01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:57,560
Speaker 1: regardless of what the messages. That's one thing I have

1211
01:02:57,680 --> 01:03:02,040
Speaker 1: never thought about until today. So thank you. Yes, it

1212
01:03:02,200 --> 01:03:03,760
Speaker 1: was such a pleasure chatting with you. I feel like

1213
01:03:03,800 --> 01:03:06,000
Speaker 1: we should have you back on a future episode. So

1214
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:08,680
Speaker 1: many other things, making your resume and things that we've

1215
01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:11,080
Speaker 1: scratched the surface with you that we can always talk

1216
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:13,720
Speaker 1: about some more. So we'd love to have you back.

1217
01:03:13,760 --> 01:03:16,240
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your time today. Tell everybody

1218
01:03:16,280 --> 01:03:19,520
Speaker 1: where they can find you your Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, websites.

1219
01:03:20,640 --> 01:03:25,080
Speaker 1: My Instagram is at de Lana's Immerment Therapy and I

1220
01:03:25,160 --> 01:03:27,440
Speaker 1: have a website also, or you can look at my

1221
01:03:27,520 --> 01:03:45,440
Speaker 1: services Delna's Enferment Therapy Dot. All right, So we decided

1222
01:03:45,480 --> 01:03:48,479
Speaker 1: to keep Delna around for our listener letters segment because

1223
01:03:48,480 --> 01:03:49,880
Speaker 1: you know, I like to be nosey and meeting all

1224
01:03:49,920 --> 01:03:52,800
Speaker 1: y'all business. But I figured, once we have an expert

1225
01:03:53,200 --> 01:03:55,680
Speaker 1: in the house today, we might as well lean on

1226
01:03:55,720 --> 01:03:58,760
Speaker 1: her expertise and see if she can give us some coins,

1227
01:03:58,840 --> 01:04:01,880
Speaker 1: some some some jam right now, Okay, so I'm gonna

1228
01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:04,520
Speaker 1: go ahead and read um the first one de Lena

1229
01:04:04,560 --> 01:04:07,600
Speaker 1: for you, And this is from a listener that says

1230
01:04:07,680 --> 01:04:09,320
Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan of both of you, and you

1231
01:04:09,320 --> 01:04:12,440
Speaker 1: guys are truly an inspiration. Thank you. I'm writing you

1232
01:04:12,520 --> 01:04:15,360
Speaker 1: guys for advice, even if you don't mention it on

1233
01:04:15,400 --> 01:04:17,680
Speaker 1: your podcast. I would just love to have your honest feedback.

1234
01:04:18,040 --> 01:04:20,840
Speaker 1: I've been with my boyfriend going on eight years. We

1235
01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:23,480
Speaker 1: have a four year old daughter. I just recently found

1236
01:04:23,480 --> 01:04:25,400
Speaker 1: out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for two

1237
01:04:25,480 --> 01:04:28,280
Speaker 1: years with a girl from his job. He never told

1238
01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:32,760
Speaker 1: me she did. When he finally decided to end things

1239
01:04:32,880 --> 01:04:37,640
Speaker 1: with her, he stated that there was reasons for him cheating,

1240
01:04:37,680 --> 01:04:40,680
Speaker 1: such as the lack of sex, me not cooking as much,

1241
01:04:41,040 --> 01:04:43,960
Speaker 1: not asking him how his day was, and simply just

1242
01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:47,320
Speaker 1: showing concern. At that time, we had just moved into

1243
01:04:47,320 --> 01:04:49,680
Speaker 1: an apartment together, our daughter was one, and I was

1244
01:04:49,720 --> 01:04:53,600
Speaker 1: trying to balance everything. Most importantly, he wasn't helping me

1245
01:04:53,640 --> 01:04:57,040
Speaker 1: around the house, giving me the attention or companionship. I

1246
01:04:57,120 --> 01:05:00,400
Speaker 1: felt like things were being forced. I have never cheated

1247
01:05:00,440 --> 01:05:03,040
Speaker 1: on this man, and I'm truly heartbroken from the situation.

1248
01:05:03,200 --> 01:05:05,600
Speaker 1: He told me pieces of the story. But I feel

1249
01:05:05,640 --> 01:05:08,880
Speaker 1: like he doesn't want to tell me everything, even though

1250
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:11,680
Speaker 1: I asked him to be to tell me the whole truth,

1251
01:05:12,280 --> 01:05:16,600
Speaker 1: just to assist in my healing process. What advice can

1252
01:05:16,640 --> 01:05:23,560
Speaker 1: you guys give me on moving forward? Oh? Yeah, that work?

1253
01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:28,160
Speaker 1: Love is something else. Um, we we get listening to

1254
01:05:28,200 --> 01:05:30,520
Speaker 1: let us like this all the time, just like it's

1255
01:05:30,560 --> 01:05:33,840
Speaker 1: like the same story in every relationship. So if we

1256
01:05:33,960 --> 01:05:37,000
Speaker 1: listen to the story, and it fits right into the

1257
01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:40,040
Speaker 1: things that we've talked about today. And it's that neither

1258
01:05:40,080 --> 01:05:43,200
Speaker 1: one of them knew their responsibility and the relationship even

1259
01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:45,760
Speaker 1: though they had been in the relationship and we're making

1260
01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:50,360
Speaker 1: babies right so Um, she was overwhelmed, um, and he

1261
01:05:50,440 --> 01:05:54,160
Speaker 1: wasn't supportive. That's you know, the way she presents it.

1262
01:05:54,440 --> 01:05:58,000
Speaker 1: What I want to talk about infidelibility is that it

1263
01:05:58,120 --> 01:06:01,640
Speaker 1: is not her fault that he at this relationship with

1264
01:06:01,880 --> 01:06:06,800
Speaker 1: the other woman. It is how he works out his insecurity,

1265
01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:11,120
Speaker 1: his inferiority complex within himself. So it's okay to not

1266
01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:13,600
Speaker 1: feel that you're getting what you need in a relationship,

1267
01:06:13,640 --> 01:06:17,760
Speaker 1: that's fine, But to work that out outside of the

1268
01:06:17,800 --> 01:06:22,040
Speaker 1: relationship where you can get validation is his problem. It

1269
01:06:22,120 --> 01:06:25,000
Speaker 1: is not an indication of her not being good enough

1270
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:28,440
Speaker 1: in the relationship. It's him not feeling good enough, So

1271
01:06:28,560 --> 01:06:32,120
Speaker 1: him seeking outside of himself, him being out of integrity,

1272
01:06:32,360 --> 01:06:35,200
Speaker 1: out of character, out of his promise, right out of

1273
01:06:35,240 --> 01:06:38,200
Speaker 1: his commitment. That is something that he has to work out.

1274
01:06:38,200 --> 01:06:41,600
Speaker 1: I'm sure in the past sex and attention has made

1275
01:06:41,640 --> 01:06:44,560
Speaker 1: him feel whole. That's why we have to be accountable

1276
01:06:44,600 --> 01:06:48,000
Speaker 1: for our own healing and our own wholeness right, and

1277
01:06:48,080 --> 01:06:51,240
Speaker 1: our own self actualization, so that we don't have to

1278
01:06:51,320 --> 01:06:54,760
Speaker 1: get it from other people, not even our partners, right,

1279
01:06:54,800 --> 01:06:58,000
Speaker 1: we have to giv it to ourselves and then again

1280
01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:01,640
Speaker 1: participate in the relationship ship with a healed or whole

1281
01:07:01,920 --> 01:07:05,560
Speaker 1: self or working on whole in itself. And so how

1282
01:07:05,600 --> 01:07:08,480
Speaker 1: she moves forward, if she continues it's going to stay

1283
01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:12,720
Speaker 1: in the relationship, he has to do his work, Like

1284
01:07:12,800 --> 01:07:15,200
Speaker 1: if she's gonna stay well, he has to maybe talk

1285
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:19,920
Speaker 1: to her therapist about his um need for validation and

1286
01:07:19,960 --> 01:07:21,560
Speaker 1: how he has sought it out in the past and

1287
01:07:21,600 --> 01:07:24,360
Speaker 1: how he is going to curb that currently. And if

1288
01:07:24,360 --> 01:07:26,200
Speaker 1: she's gonna stay in relationship, she has to take care

1289
01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:29,600
Speaker 1: of herself just to love herself, develop a self love

1290
01:07:29,680 --> 01:07:32,760
Speaker 1: practice so that she can look in the mirror and

1291
01:07:32,800 --> 01:07:37,240
Speaker 1: being integrity with herself. Does that make sense? That makes sense.

1292
01:07:37,560 --> 01:07:40,160
Speaker 1: It makes sense. And a lot of times with these,

1293
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:44,200
Speaker 1: with these scenarios, it's always the same thing. These two people,

1294
01:07:44,240 --> 01:07:47,600
Speaker 1: like you said, got into a relationship and there was

1295
01:07:47,680 --> 01:07:51,280
Speaker 1: no complete contract on what was decided on who was

1296
01:07:51,280 --> 01:07:53,080
Speaker 1: going to provide what or who was going to do

1297
01:07:53,120 --> 01:07:56,040
Speaker 1: what for whom. One person starts to lack because they

1298
01:07:56,040 --> 01:07:59,160
Speaker 1: feel overwhelmed, so they stopped doing something. The other one

1299
01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:02,880
Speaker 1: stops doing. Then they they're no longer intimate with each other,

1300
01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:07,400
Speaker 1: and then one person seeks outside forces to feel as

1301
01:08:07,480 --> 01:08:09,120
Speaker 1: if they wanted to, you know, they can vie a

1302
01:08:09,200 --> 01:08:11,360
Speaker 1: hole again. And and to be honest, when we look

1303
01:08:11,400 --> 01:08:13,360
Speaker 1: at these, it's not always a man and woman thing.

1304
01:08:13,920 --> 01:08:16,720
Speaker 1: It's been it's vice versa sometimes, like I've I've had

1305
01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:18,599
Speaker 1: I've had a homeboy. I'm not going to out him

1306
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:22,200
Speaker 1: at all, but his wife cheated on him. And he

1307
01:08:22,280 --> 01:08:24,040
Speaker 1: was just like, bro, you know what I'm saying. I

1308
01:08:24,040 --> 01:08:26,040
Speaker 1: I provide, I do this, I do that, I go

1309
01:08:26,080 --> 01:08:27,320
Speaker 1: in and out of the house and make sure we

1310
01:08:27,360 --> 01:08:31,080
Speaker 1: have everything. And she stepped out, and I said to him,

1311
01:08:31,160 --> 01:08:33,320
Speaker 1: being a man's accountable. I said, what were you not

1312
01:08:33,439 --> 01:08:36,120
Speaker 1: doing that? She felt she had to step out and

1313
01:08:36,160 --> 01:08:37,360
Speaker 1: he was like, what do you What do you mean

1314
01:08:37,400 --> 01:08:39,240
Speaker 1: I provide I do? I said, Okay, when's the last

1315
01:08:39,280 --> 01:08:41,599
Speaker 1: time you hugged your wife? When's the last time you've

1316
01:08:41,640 --> 01:08:43,960
Speaker 1: kissed your wife? When's the last time you've asked her

1317
01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:45,559
Speaker 1: what she wants to do and took her to do

1318
01:08:45,600 --> 01:08:48,600
Speaker 1: something she wants to do? And he was like, I

1319
01:08:48,680 --> 01:08:50,280
Speaker 1: was too busy trying to do all these other things.

1320
01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:52,320
Speaker 1: I said, yeah, you were doing all these other things

1321
01:08:52,320 --> 01:08:54,400
Speaker 1: that you wanted to do to feel like you were

1322
01:08:54,400 --> 01:08:57,280
Speaker 1: a man in the house and not doing anything that

1323
01:08:57,479 --> 01:09:00,400
Speaker 1: she needed. And she stepped out, and she won't stepping

1324
01:09:00,400 --> 01:09:03,439
Speaker 1: out absolutely, and she stepped out for the exact reasons

1325
01:09:03,520 --> 01:09:06,519
Speaker 1: you said. She felt like she wanted to feel like

1326
01:09:06,600 --> 01:09:09,559
Speaker 1: someone wanted her again. She needed validation, she thought, and

1327
01:09:09,560 --> 01:09:12,240
Speaker 1: then she admitted to him, I thought you were cheating,

1328
01:09:13,160 --> 01:09:16,120
Speaker 1: So I cheated. You know what's powerful about it? You

1329
01:09:16,200 --> 01:09:21,000
Speaker 1: can step out or you can step in. I like that.

1330
01:09:21,120 --> 01:09:23,920
Speaker 1: I like that I'm just existing and allowing things to

1331
01:09:23,960 --> 01:09:27,760
Speaker 1: happen because leaning into the relationship. That's why I laying

1332
01:09:27,760 --> 01:09:29,439
Speaker 1: into it. This is what I need. This is what

1333
01:09:29,520 --> 01:09:32,400
Speaker 1: I'm looking for. These are Can we make some agreements?

1334
01:09:32,439 --> 01:09:35,599
Speaker 1: Can we create a structure? Is the relationship more important

1335
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:40,080
Speaker 1: than my individual concerns? If my individual's concerns become more

1336
01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:43,240
Speaker 1: important than the unity of the universe of the relationship,

1337
01:09:43,400 --> 01:09:45,000
Speaker 1: I'm going to do what the hell I want to do.

1338
01:09:46,080 --> 01:09:48,720
Speaker 1: But if I remember that the relationship is important, more

1339
01:09:48,720 --> 01:09:54,000
Speaker 1: important than my individual need in the moment because it's temporary, right,

1340
01:09:54,400 --> 01:09:57,600
Speaker 1: then then I will lean into the relationship and I

1341
01:09:57,640 --> 01:10:00,360
Speaker 1: will be able to be influenced by you, and I

1342
01:10:00,400 --> 01:10:02,920
Speaker 1: will be open right hopefully you will be open to

1343
01:10:02,960 --> 01:10:07,960
Speaker 1: be influenced by me. Step you can step out and

1344
01:10:08,040 --> 01:10:11,559
Speaker 1: step out, or you could step in like I like that,

1345
01:10:11,560 --> 01:10:14,479
Speaker 1: you can step by the step because that's that's literally

1346
01:10:14,479 --> 01:10:16,519
Speaker 1: what me and Codeine decided to do, because we both

1347
01:10:16,520 --> 01:10:18,960
Speaker 1: had our transgressions and at that point it was like, Okay,

1348
01:10:19,160 --> 01:10:20,800
Speaker 1: are we gonna go out this way or am I

1349
01:10:20,840 --> 01:10:24,400
Speaker 1: gonna focus more on this person right here? And ever

1350
01:10:24,479 --> 01:10:27,439
Speaker 1: since we decided to do that, things have been like

1351
01:10:28,120 --> 01:10:31,960
Speaker 1: it's been it's been up. Wow, that's you. We don't

1352
01:10:31,960 --> 01:10:34,559
Speaker 1: even have time for another list, But I honestly feel

1353
01:10:34,600 --> 01:10:36,880
Speaker 1: like the second listener letter would probably be the same

1354
01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:41,040
Speaker 1: thing a similar situation. What's your points were was so small?

1355
01:10:41,080 --> 01:10:42,800
Speaker 1: You were going to say something ahead, Lana, I was

1356
01:10:42,840 --> 01:10:50,920
Speaker 1: thinking about it's something in that letter that that she asked, UM,

1357
01:10:51,120 --> 01:10:56,800
Speaker 1: go ahead, I don't know. Can you see what she asked? Um?

1358
01:10:57,400 --> 01:10:59,120
Speaker 1: Was it a question she asked or was it him?

1359
01:10:59,360 --> 01:11:02,120
Speaker 1: Him describing what was the room was wrong? She wanted

1360
01:11:02,240 --> 01:11:04,720
Speaker 1: him to give details about everything. That. Yes, that's it,

1361
01:11:04,920 --> 01:11:07,600
Speaker 1: that's it. She don't need the details. It's none of

1362
01:11:07,640 --> 01:11:12,760
Speaker 1: her business. It's it's irrelevant. I think people need to

1363
01:11:12,760 --> 01:11:15,839
Speaker 1: hear that too, because they're hearing the details. It's torture.

1364
01:11:15,920 --> 01:11:18,720
Speaker 1: There are glutton for punishment, and they're looking for the

1365
01:11:19,439 --> 01:11:23,840
Speaker 1: points where they were not good enough. Remember everybody's inferiority

1366
01:11:23,880 --> 01:11:27,200
Speaker 1: complex was built between age five prist Well, so she's

1367
01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:30,160
Speaker 1: looking for the details of where she's not good enough

1368
01:11:30,200 --> 01:11:33,720
Speaker 1: because she thinks it's her fault that he did it. Uh.

1369
01:11:34,000 --> 01:11:36,320
Speaker 1: So she feels like if she if he tells the details,

1370
01:11:36,360 --> 01:11:38,880
Speaker 1: it's like, oh she did that. Shoot, I wasn't doing that.

1371
01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:42,240
Speaker 1: So they were for deficit there ah, Now the deficit

1372
01:11:42,400 --> 01:11:45,920
Speaker 1: within him. That's that's important too, Like you can hold

1373
01:11:45,960 --> 01:11:49,120
Speaker 1: your partner accountable without having to punish them with all

1374
01:11:49,120 --> 01:11:51,080
Speaker 1: the details like that, like to be honest, like you

1375
01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:53,479
Speaker 1: don't have to say, well you you weren't doing all

1376
01:11:53,479 --> 01:11:56,000
Speaker 1: of this, that's why I did this. No, let's let's

1377
01:11:56,200 --> 01:11:59,680
Speaker 1: hold ourselves accountable. Yes I stepped out or yes you

1378
01:11:59,720 --> 01:12:02,840
Speaker 1: step doubt how do we get to that point because

1379
01:12:02,840 --> 01:12:05,400
Speaker 1: it's never a one person thing. It's always a collective

1380
01:12:05,439 --> 01:12:13,440
Speaker 1: thing for people to get to a point. Yes, yeah,

1381
01:12:13,600 --> 01:12:18,240
Speaker 1: it's always collective. And really each other are feeding off

1382
01:12:18,240 --> 01:12:23,000
Speaker 1: of each other's inferiority and insecurity. I have to develop

1383
01:12:23,040 --> 01:12:25,240
Speaker 1: security in myself. I have to be a safe person

1384
01:12:26,040 --> 01:12:29,640
Speaker 1: emotionally and then I can be a safe person physically.

1385
01:12:29,680 --> 01:12:33,360
Speaker 1: In the relationship, I can come to you when I

1386
01:12:33,720 --> 01:12:36,080
Speaker 1: you know, and when when I don't feel like we're

1387
01:12:36,080 --> 01:12:37,920
Speaker 1: in our roles. I can come to you when I

1388
01:12:37,960 --> 01:12:41,280
Speaker 1: feel disconnected from you, as opposed to finding connection in

1389
01:12:41,280 --> 01:12:50,080
Speaker 1: other places, she said. She said people are constantly Yes,

1390
01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:54,280
Speaker 1: people are constantly feeding off of each other's insecurities and

1391
01:12:54,360 --> 01:12:57,000
Speaker 1: looking to feed their own insecurities. In the minute their

1392
01:12:57,000 --> 01:13:00,400
Speaker 1: insecurity isn't fair, they just go elsewhere. That's seems like

1393
01:13:00,439 --> 01:13:04,240
Speaker 1: the dating process. Yeah, that that seems like the dating process.

1394
01:13:04,280 --> 01:13:06,439
Speaker 1: I'm insecure about this. Let me find someone who's gonna

1395
01:13:06,479 --> 01:13:08,559
Speaker 1: feed that aspect of me, and the minute they don't,

1396
01:13:08,560 --> 01:13:13,200
Speaker 1: I'm gone. But no one is responsible. But that that

1397
01:13:13,400 --> 01:13:16,600
Speaker 1: sounded like me when we first were dating. We just

1398
01:13:16,680 --> 01:13:19,320
Speaker 1: recently talked about this on an interview, and I talked

1399
01:13:19,320 --> 01:13:22,519
Speaker 1: about so many things that I was dating with my ego.

1400
01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:25,200
Speaker 1: I was dating with my ego and trying to feed

1401
01:13:25,240 --> 01:13:28,479
Speaker 1: myself because I wasn't sure about myself. And when we

1402
01:13:28,520 --> 01:13:31,400
Speaker 1: started dating, I was expecting Kay to do all these

1403
01:13:31,439 --> 01:13:33,320
Speaker 1: things to make me feel better, and every time she

1404
01:13:33,360 --> 01:13:35,599
Speaker 1: didn't do it, I felt like, Oh, she doesn't love

1405
01:13:35,600 --> 01:13:39,920
Speaker 1: me enough. Meanwhile, we were you know, year old kids

1406
01:13:39,960 --> 01:13:45,479
Speaker 1: who talk about knowing somebody else. You know, Okay, so

1407
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:47,360
Speaker 1: I want I want to leave you with this, and

1408
01:13:47,439 --> 01:13:52,559
Speaker 1: this is earlier. I stated that the world's love songs

1409
01:13:52,680 --> 01:13:55,080
Speaker 1: Disney have told us that someone's gonna come into our

1410
01:13:55,120 --> 01:13:59,320
Speaker 1: life and gonna meet our needs. But children who did

1411
01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:03,559
Speaker 1: not get their emotional needs met become adolescents who didn't

1412
01:14:03,560 --> 01:14:07,240
Speaker 1: get their emotional needs met become adults that didn't get

1413
01:14:07,240 --> 01:14:10,639
Speaker 1: their emotional needs met. And I'm here to say that

1414
01:14:10,720 --> 01:14:13,200
Speaker 1: there is no other adult on the planet that has

1415
01:14:13,240 --> 01:14:17,599
Speaker 1: the assignment of needing any adults emotional needs. It is

1416
01:14:17,640 --> 01:14:22,360
Speaker 1: the individual's responsibility to meet their emotional needs. Now your

1417
01:14:22,360 --> 01:14:25,600
Speaker 1: physical needs and you know I need your help, honey,

1418
01:14:25,640 --> 01:14:27,200
Speaker 1: and you know I need you to hug me all

1419
01:14:27,240 --> 01:14:30,760
Speaker 1: these things. That's different, but your emotional needs must be

1420
01:14:30,840 --> 01:14:34,160
Speaker 1: met by you. There's no the parenting is done in

1421
01:14:34,200 --> 01:14:37,320
Speaker 1: your life. You if you if there's some weaknesses or

1422
01:14:37,400 --> 01:14:40,160
Speaker 1: there's some breaking down and your emotional needs, you have

1423
01:14:40,240 --> 01:14:45,320
Speaker 1: to yourself effectively. That's accountability. And then you bring that

1424
01:14:45,439 --> 01:14:49,559
Speaker 1: version of yourself to a relationship, and the relationship will

1425
01:14:49,600 --> 01:14:51,519
Speaker 1: show you the new areas in which you need to heal.

1426
01:14:51,680 --> 01:14:54,639
Speaker 1: That's the purpose of relationships. They're gonna mirror for you

1427
01:14:54,880 --> 01:14:58,760
Speaker 1: what you think and believe, and you take responsibility individually

1428
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:02,000
Speaker 1: the things that have come up because the relationship is

1429
01:15:02,040 --> 01:15:08,200
Speaker 1: more important. Wow, she you really do a great job

1430
01:15:08,520 --> 01:15:12,760
Speaker 1: of articulating things that you feel that you don't know

1431
01:15:12,760 --> 01:15:17,080
Speaker 1: how to say. Well, she's a homeless therapist. And let

1432
01:15:17,120 --> 01:15:21,559
Speaker 1: me scroll back up. I definitely feel a whole lot

1433
01:15:21,560 --> 01:15:23,080
Speaker 1: better and I didn't even know I had a problem

1434
01:15:23,120 --> 01:15:27,320
Speaker 1: coming in here. We appreciate you so much and we

1435
01:15:27,320 --> 01:15:30,720
Speaker 1: know we have to let you go because good. But

1436
01:15:30,760 --> 01:15:33,120
Speaker 1: we thank you so much and we have to have

1437
01:15:33,200 --> 01:15:35,040
Speaker 1: you back home. Yeah, and we hope that people really

1438
01:15:35,360 --> 01:15:38,120
Speaker 1: tune in and listen to some of the advice that

1439
01:15:38,120 --> 01:15:40,200
Speaker 1: you've given to me. I think it's very sound advice

1440
01:15:40,240 --> 01:15:42,680
Speaker 1: for people who are aware that they do want to

1441
01:15:42,680 --> 01:15:44,679
Speaker 1: exist in a relationship. Because there are people who decide,

1442
01:15:44,800 --> 01:15:47,760
Speaker 1: you know, what, relationships aren't for me, and I respect that.

1443
01:15:47,920 --> 01:15:49,519
Speaker 1: At least you know you want to be single and

1444
01:15:49,720 --> 01:15:51,920
Speaker 1: and mingling for the rest of your life. That's all good.

1445
01:15:52,240 --> 01:15:54,400
Speaker 1: But it's the people who aspire to being a relationship

1446
01:15:54,479 --> 01:15:57,200
Speaker 1: or who are in relationships that I think will definitely

1447
01:15:57,240 --> 01:16:00,439
Speaker 1: get some some really good, valuable information. And so thank

1448
01:16:00,479 --> 01:16:02,840
Speaker 1: you again, thank you for sitting with us and all

1449
01:16:02,880 --> 01:16:05,839
Speaker 1: the best. Okay, So, if you'd like to be featured

1450
01:16:05,960 --> 01:16:08,639
Speaker 1: as our listener letter or one of our listener letters,

1451
01:16:08,800 --> 01:16:12,520
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.

1452
01:16:12,560 --> 01:16:14,720
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D

1453
01:16:14,840 --> 01:16:19,599
Speaker 1: V I C at gmail dot com. All right, moment

1454
01:16:19,600 --> 01:16:22,880
Speaker 1: of truth time, I know what mine is. The moment

1455
01:16:22,920 --> 01:16:26,080
Speaker 1: of truth. Moment of truth. First of all, I want

1456
01:16:26,080 --> 01:16:30,200
Speaker 1: to apologize publicly for screaming at you that day when

1457
01:16:30,200 --> 01:16:32,600
Speaker 1: me and Jackson walked in the house, and I apologize

1458
01:16:32,640 --> 01:16:35,880
Speaker 1: for my frustration and raising my voice because, like you said,

1459
01:16:35,920 --> 01:16:39,280
Speaker 1: sometimes I'm not aware of my tone. Um. But just

1460
01:16:39,320 --> 01:16:42,280
Speaker 1: so the record shows, I spoke to my son immediately

1461
01:16:42,280 --> 01:16:45,200
Speaker 1: after everything happened, and we were able to reconcile, and

1462
01:16:45,240 --> 01:16:46,800
Speaker 1: I was able to speak to him about how he

1463
01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,040
Speaker 1: felt about everything, and I made sure that he knew

1464
01:16:49,040 --> 01:16:51,680
Speaker 1: that I wasn't coming from a place of a disappointment

1465
01:16:51,840 --> 01:16:54,360
Speaker 1: or a place of being upset, but I was just

1466
01:16:54,400 --> 01:16:57,080
Speaker 1: more so concerned, and me being his mom, I need

1467
01:16:57,120 --> 01:16:59,599
Speaker 1: to hold myself responsible to for putting him in situations

1468
01:16:59,600 --> 01:17:02,080
Speaker 1: where he could be at harm. That being said, my

1469
01:17:02,120 --> 01:17:05,639
Speaker 1: kids are never leaving the house ever again. Life should

1470
01:17:05,640 --> 01:17:09,560
Speaker 1: go back to my mode. Nobody's coming over either nobody.

1471
01:17:09,600 --> 01:17:11,920
Speaker 1: Everybody will come over now that we move, But now

1472
01:17:12,320 --> 01:17:13,920
Speaker 1: keep the same energy ILL kept when I lived in

1473
01:17:13,920 --> 01:17:17,200
Speaker 1: Brooklyn for ten years. She's gonna bubble wrap all the kids.

1474
01:17:17,280 --> 01:17:20,400
Speaker 1: That being said, I will be my moment of truth.

1475
01:17:20,479 --> 01:17:27,240
Speaker 1: Is this Accountability of course starts with yourself, right. You

1476
01:17:27,280 --> 01:17:30,000
Speaker 1: gotta be accountable, and that's fine, but you also have

1477
01:17:30,080 --> 01:17:33,120
Speaker 1: to know when you're in a relationship, when you're trying

1478
01:17:33,160 --> 01:17:36,200
Speaker 1: to help your partner be accountable that they have past

1479
01:17:36,280 --> 01:17:42,040
Speaker 1: traumas that may affect your message no matter how it's delivered.

1480
01:17:43,000 --> 01:17:46,559
Speaker 1: So it doesn't matter if I'm screaming, it doesn't matter

1481
01:17:46,680 --> 01:17:49,920
Speaker 1: if I'm talking softly, it doesn't matter if I'm being direct.

1482
01:17:50,479 --> 01:17:52,479
Speaker 1: If you have past traumas, that's going to affect the

1483
01:17:52,479 --> 01:17:55,680
Speaker 1: way my message is delivered to you, You're always going

1484
01:17:55,720 --> 01:17:59,639
Speaker 1: to feel away. And listening to Delena made me realize

1485
01:17:59,640 --> 01:18:02,880
Speaker 1: that that's valid, Like you are entitled to feel that way,

1486
01:18:03,040 --> 01:18:05,040
Speaker 1: and my message is going to be what it is

1487
01:18:05,400 --> 01:18:07,240
Speaker 1: and you're gonna take it however you want to take

1488
01:18:07,280 --> 01:18:10,200
Speaker 1: it because you brought that with the relationship. So my

1489
01:18:10,320 --> 01:18:13,840
Speaker 1: moment of truth is understanding that your partner it's going

1490
01:18:13,920 --> 01:18:16,599
Speaker 1: to receive what it is you're giving to them no

1491
01:18:16,640 --> 01:18:22,680
Speaker 1: matter how you say it. That's called you felt that

1492
01:18:22,760 --> 01:18:25,760
Speaker 1: to the core. I did, because I've tried all the

1493
01:18:25,800 --> 01:18:28,040
Speaker 1: approaches and don't none of them work. No matter what

1494
01:18:28,120 --> 01:18:30,800
Speaker 1: I say, how I say it, I always get the neck,

1495
01:18:30,960 --> 01:18:35,719
Speaker 1: the snap all that. I guess. My moment of truth

1496
01:18:36,320 --> 01:18:43,080
Speaker 1: kind of stemming from from yours, is not blaming or

1497
01:18:43,160 --> 01:18:48,320
Speaker 1: allowing the way I was raised or past generational traumas

1498
01:18:48,439 --> 01:18:52,400
Speaker 1: for example, to dictate how I exist in a space

1499
01:18:52,640 --> 01:18:56,800
Speaker 1: with you now, in my relationship with other relationships that

1500
01:18:56,840 --> 01:18:59,960
Speaker 1: I exist in, because I also to need to hold

1501
01:19:00,040 --> 01:19:03,800
Speaker 1: myself accountable and not place blame on other aspects of

1502
01:19:03,840 --> 01:19:07,200
Speaker 1: my life, um that may contribute to who I am now.

1503
01:19:07,479 --> 01:19:10,679
Speaker 1: So that being said, making sure that I say, Conneine,

1504
01:19:11,680 --> 01:19:13,559
Speaker 1: you may have been raised this way or you may

1505
01:19:13,600 --> 01:19:17,000
Speaker 1: have not been encouraged to do this as a child. However, you,

1506
01:19:17,120 --> 01:19:20,280
Speaker 1: being a grown woman, should know that you owe it

1507
01:19:20,360 --> 01:19:23,240
Speaker 1: to yourself and the other party in this relationship to

1508
01:19:23,400 --> 01:19:26,759
Speaker 1: be accountable, to not always place blame, to be willing

1509
01:19:26,840 --> 01:19:31,759
Speaker 1: to be emotionally malleable, as we've been saying today. So

1510
01:19:32,280 --> 01:19:33,880
Speaker 1: that's part of it. And I still like this little

1511
01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:37,280
Speaker 1: term that um Delana said. If you're on the verge

1512
01:19:37,320 --> 01:19:40,960
Speaker 1: of stepping out, step in, you know, step in leading

1513
01:19:41,000 --> 01:19:44,559
Speaker 1: into those relationships more so you can see, um where

1514
01:19:45,160 --> 01:19:47,920
Speaker 1: there's not necessarily a deficit, but there's a way for

1515
01:19:47,960 --> 01:19:54,320
Speaker 1: you to be accountable. So that I appreciate your moment

1516
01:19:54,320 --> 01:19:58,600
Speaker 1: of truth. Thank you, You're welcome, but I feel like

1517
01:19:58,600 --> 01:20:01,080
Speaker 1: you're looking at me funny. Be sure to find us

1518
01:20:01,080 --> 01:20:07,360
Speaker 1: on social media at dead As to podcasts, y'all know

1519
01:20:07,360 --> 01:20:10,120
Speaker 1: where to find me, Caine, I am, and you can

1520
01:20:10,160 --> 01:20:13,200
Speaker 1: find me in my house because you're not going nowhere

1521
01:20:15,720 --> 01:20:19,160
Speaker 1: and nobody coming either. I'm gonna let the kids out though,

1522
01:20:19,200 --> 01:20:20,800
Speaker 1: because they need to breathe. They can't be in here

1523
01:20:20,800 --> 01:20:22,840
Speaker 1: with the two of us holding time in the backyard.

1524
01:20:24,000 --> 01:20:26,440
Speaker 1: I am devout and if you're listening to Apple Podcasts,

1525
01:20:26,439 --> 01:20:35,280
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review, and subscribe. Dead Ass is

1526
01:20:35,280 --> 01:20:37,920
Speaker 1: a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is

1527
01:20:37,960 --> 01:20:41,559
Speaker 1: produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on

1528
01:20:41,600 --> 01:20:44,280
Speaker 1: social media at dead as to podcasts and never miss

1529
01:20:44,320 --> 01:20:44,599
Speaker 1: a Thing.