Speaker 1: The Nicky Nicky. Hello here I am. It's Nicky Glazer podcast.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the show. I'm in Los Angeles, California, in
Speaker 1: my hotel room. It is two hours later in St. Louis,
Speaker 1: where Andrew is Hello, Andrew, back to you, and Noah
Speaker 1: is in Arizona, which I don't know what time zone
Speaker 1: you guys are on. Isn't Hell? Yeah, girl, it's a
Speaker 1: nice place to be. Um, I've been here since God,
Speaker 1: I don't even remember now Thursday, Friday, Wednesday, thurs Thursday
Speaker 1: yet Thursday because we had to pre tape Thursday. Yes,
Speaker 1: that is what happened. So much. So many good responses
Speaker 1: on last week's show shows with Aria, Um, my friend, Wow,
Speaker 1: that was really nice to read all of those, and
Speaker 1: I sent her a lot of the d M s
Speaker 1: I got, And man, you made someone's day by writing
Speaker 1: all those nice things. So thank you guys so much.
Speaker 1: It's always so nice to get your feedback on that stuff.
Speaker 1: And yeah, I'm feeling a little grogged this morning, but
Speaker 1: I'm waking up, but I'm in like a debt, Like
Speaker 1: I have my blackout curtains drawn because I have to,
Speaker 1: for there's nowhere to sit in here where if I
Speaker 1: if I opened the curtains, I would be backlit and
Speaker 1: I would look like an ominous you know, the deal
Speaker 1: or no deal guy, And so I just have to
Speaker 1: keep the curtains drawn into my room. Is quite depressing.
Speaker 1: And I could have slept till five pm today like easily,
Speaker 1: no problem, no questions asked. Um, I've been doing it
Speaker 1: a lot. I had some good times, good sleeping in
Speaker 1: times this weekend, but still not enough. Like I can
Speaker 1: sleep all the time, and I don't know what's wrong
Speaker 1: with me why I And I don't know what's wrong
Speaker 1: with people that get up and like do stuff. If
Speaker 1: you have free time, why aren't you in bed? And
Speaker 1: that is my Um, that's my conundrum recently. It's like
Speaker 1: when I have free time, I just want to be
Speaker 1: in bed. I don't want to be writing a book.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be going hiking. I don't want
Speaker 1: to go to Sepphora to restock my makeup. I don't
Speaker 1: want to go shopping for an outfit to wear on conan. Um, well,
Speaker 1: I just want to sleep, um, and I just want
Speaker 1: to be in bed on my phone. And I'm not depressed,
Speaker 1: maybe a little bit, but like that's what's soothing to me.
Speaker 1: But like it feels really sad getting back into bed
Speaker 1: when it's beautiful outside and there are tons of friends
Speaker 1: that live in this town that I can hang out with. Um,
Speaker 1: and I'm doing that instead. Any thoughts, Well, I think
Speaker 1: if you're being very active when you're not in bed,
Speaker 1: then bed is okay. You know, it's a balance. Um,
Speaker 1: if it's active for thirty minutes, bed for twenty three
Speaker 1: hours and thirty it's that's you know. I mean, you're
Speaker 1: doing a lot of ship. You're not just like someone
Speaker 1: that's like, uh, you know, you got like fucking a
Speaker 1: gator have drinking gatorade bottle by the bed and you're
Speaker 1: just eating from a Chinese take out. You just have
Speaker 1: the same underwear on for five days. Now you're doing
Speaker 1: you're very active, like you're not. It's not weird to
Speaker 1: think that you need rest and when you are performing,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you're probably better when you're getting out of bed. No,
Speaker 1: I would hope. So do you feel refreshed or do
Speaker 1: you feel more tired because of you know, I feel
Speaker 1: resentful that I have to get out of bed, and
Speaker 1: like that that the only reason I get out of
Speaker 1: bed is to appear normal because I know that it's
Speaker 1: what I should do as opposed to what I that's
Speaker 1: the difference between my life and everyone else's. Yes, I
Speaker 1: do do things, but I don't ever want to do
Speaker 1: any of them. And I feel like people like I
Speaker 1: was comparing myself to Kirsten because she's just someone who
Speaker 1: just likes to get up. She likes to go out,
Speaker 1: and she likes to go on hikes, and she likes
Speaker 1: to go shopping, and she likes to like cook, and
Speaker 1: she likes to clean up, and she like of course,
Speaker 1: and sometimes she likes to go to work, Like I
Speaker 1: don't like to do any of the things. Everything I
Speaker 1: do I do out of um because I know it's
Speaker 1: what I should do. It's not because I want to
Speaker 1: do it. If it were up to me, it would
Speaker 1: be being in bet on my phone reading a new
Speaker 1: Columbine book. But that's what I want to do. I
Speaker 1: think it's a happiness issue. Her Columbine book is doing
Speaker 1: those things like that's what makes her column bie. Why
Speaker 1: would anyone's Columbine book not be a Columbine book. Why
Speaker 1: would it be going to home depot to pick out
Speaker 1: sconces or talking for the new tub they're putting in,
Speaker 1: like I feel. I know, I returned to this over
Speaker 1: and over, but I just I wish I were a
Speaker 1: person who liked doing things. And I like going in
Speaker 1: her with friends. I like sleeping, I like staying in bed.
Speaker 1: I like snacking. I like going to lunch with friends.
Speaker 1: But that is that's That's really only the things I
Speaker 1: like to do. Everything else in my life. I like
Speaker 1: podcasting because it makes me feel accomplished at the end
Speaker 1: of it. And I like like talking to friends and
Speaker 1: hanging out with friends. But um, and I like performing
Speaker 1: at sometimes. But if I'm gonna be honest, I'd rather
Speaker 1: be in bed reading a Columbie my true course self
Speaker 1: would rather be in bed on Reddit reading Columbine UM
Speaker 1: than than outdoing things. And I think that people. What
Speaker 1: about when you're genuinely like this weekend and you see
Speaker 1: if you see Carlisle, you see your your your friends
Speaker 1: in comedy, and you're performing. Does that give you a
Speaker 1: little bit of life? Yes, it does. But I'm there
Speaker 1: out of obligation. I'm not there for the love of
Speaker 1: the game. I don't think I'm there because I have
Speaker 1: people that are coming to see me and I have to. Like,
Speaker 1: I was just talking in on you about this, and
Speaker 1: you wrote me this morning that she's in New York
Speaker 1: City and she was at the Comedy Seller last night
Speaker 1: and she noticed this trend of comedians like blaming the
Speaker 1: audience and getting like kind of mad at the audience
Speaker 1: for being shitty and like, you guys don't get that, like, oh,
Speaker 1: you guys are sensitive, you know, and like scolding the
Speaker 1: audience a little bit. And she's like, I just really
Speaker 1: like you never do that. She was like, you just
Speaker 1: I've never seen I've watched you a million times. You've
Speaker 1: never once gotten mad at the audience for not getting something.
Speaker 1: You always are just like you. Just that's so much sure,
Speaker 1: that's so evolved of you. It's just such new comic energy.
Speaker 1: I feel to get mad audience. And I was like, yes,
Speaker 1: and no, I feel that I don't get mad at
Speaker 1: the audience because because sometimes there are shitty audiences, like
Speaker 1: sometimes these l A crowds recently have been very growny,
Speaker 1: like so like everything I say, it's just like, oh,
Speaker 1: like they just hear a word. It's it's very it's
Speaker 1: an interesting new facet to the l A audience that
Speaker 1: I don't remember encountering when I lived here, but I
Speaker 1: don't get mad at them ever in person. I will
Speaker 1: talk to you about audience when I get off stage. Man,
Speaker 1: they sucked. God, they were awful funk. I hate them,
Speaker 1: but I never do it in person. And it's not
Speaker 1: because I'm like I'm I'm I'm a more mature comedian.
Speaker 1: It's because I have low self esteem, and I truly
Speaker 1: feel that if I were to be like you guys
Speaker 1: suck someone and might go you suck and you're ugly
Speaker 1: and we like other people better than you. My fear
Speaker 1: me not me not getting mad at anyone ever in
Speaker 1: my life, is never me being up the better person
Speaker 1: or being like It's not a maturity. It's actually me
Speaker 1: fearing retribution from them that I cannot take because I'm
Speaker 1: so scared of any criticism. I'm so scared of being
Speaker 1: told that I did something wrong. So instead I will
Speaker 1: talk about them behind their back. I feel like the
Speaker 1: comedian know that goes you guys suck, You don't get it,
Speaker 1: you're too fucking woke, you're too weak, whatever, that they're
Speaker 1: already getting that response that you fear from the crowd,
Speaker 1: and that's their insecurity showing of them being like, well
Speaker 1: it's on dim, it's on me, and that their fear
Speaker 1: already happened. They didn't get the laugh, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. But this fear of mine, it's it's in
Speaker 1: everything I do, Like I I just don't I don't
Speaker 1: ever like to tell anyone they're wrong because I and
Speaker 1: I've talked about this with the therapist before and she
Speaker 1: said that that's the fear of a fifteen year old girl,
Speaker 1: that someone's going to call you ugly. Um. But that's
Speaker 1: truly always my biggest fear is that someone can, just everyone,
Speaker 1: anyone can win an argument with me by saying, well,
Speaker 1: you're ugly, Like that is my biggest fear, and I
Speaker 1: don't trust people not to use that against me, and
Speaker 1: then it will show, like if we're argue about the environment,
Speaker 1: if we're arguing about whether I'm funny or not, like,
Speaker 1: if they pull out you're ugly and um, then I
Speaker 1: then the arguments over and I will go cry and
Speaker 1: I will not be able to talk anymore. And so
Speaker 1: I just am always trying to I always take blame first.
Speaker 1: I'd rather always have blame than ever blame someone else
Speaker 1: because I'm just scared they're gonna say either you're a
Speaker 1: bit or you're ugly? Yeah, does that make sense? How
Speaker 1: many times does that happen? I mean, you know, I
Speaker 1: mean since grade school? I mean enough times that that's
Speaker 1: never something I want to feel again because I might
Speaker 1: kill myself if it happens, you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: the feeling of feeling ugly or feeling undesirable is so uh.
Speaker 1: Do you know what? But the counter force to fear?
Speaker 1: What is it? Um? What do you think it is? Bravery? No, happiness,
Speaker 1: self love, happiness, happiness, Yes, And I'm reading all about it.
Speaker 1: I just need to get a little bit more into
Speaker 1: it to be able to um it's it's called the
Speaker 1: book is called What Happy People Know, And he talks
Speaker 1: a lot about like why we've evolved in a certain
Speaker 1: way that fear inhibits our our happiness and exactly what
Speaker 1: you were talking about before of like, well, I just
Speaker 1: want to stay in bed, I just want to be
Speaker 1: on my phone, isolate myself. I can't enjoy myself when
Speaker 1: I'm out with my friends or doing the thing that
Speaker 1: I love to do. And I think a lot of
Speaker 1: it is fear based, But I don't know what else
Speaker 1: to tell you from this point on, I do enjoy
Speaker 1: hanging out with my friends when I get out there,
Speaker 1: and I do enjoy doing sets, and that you're right,
Speaker 1: it is about fear, and I encountered it a lot.
Speaker 1: Last night, Like my friend Ben Gleeb wanted to like
Speaker 1: do what we did, a karaoke night. He got a
Speaker 1: karaoke room and I invited a bunch of people and
Speaker 1: then we were going to go to a Korean spot
Speaker 1: after that, and it was just gonna be like a
Speaker 1: fun night of hangs. And Ben is someone who always
Speaker 1: is just like has such fun things planned and he
Speaker 1: always gets to be involved, and like it always becomes
Speaker 1: like our thing that we're planning, that we're inviting our friends,
Speaker 1: and for some reason we always turned into like it's
Speaker 1: our joint party. And I'm like, I didn't even want
Speaker 1: to do this in the first place, so I invited
Speaker 1: like all these people. And I have to say that, like, um,
Speaker 1: through from the people that we like wanted to be there,
Speaker 1: three or four didn't come because I was like trying
Speaker 1: to prod and like figure out like why didn't you,
Speaker 1: why don't you want to come? And it I thought tiredness.
Speaker 1: Um I don't like karaoke. Um, I don't like someone
Speaker 1: who's gonna be there. But it was honestly like social anxiety.
Speaker 1: People were just like scared to be around people, which
Speaker 1: I do not understand. Like I get. I mean, I
Speaker 1: sometimes I don't want to talk to people, but I
Speaker 1: think that's the best place to go as a karaoke
Speaker 1: room because you literally don't know, people are singing and
Speaker 1: you don't have to talk. But we lost a lot
Speaker 1: of people last night because of that. So I know
Speaker 1: this isn't like but like abnormal. I didn't have it
Speaker 1: for this for whatever reason. But I like just people
Speaker 1: being like I just don't want to talk about my life.
Speaker 1: Everyone in l A wants to hear about what you're
Speaker 1: up to, and I don't like what I'm up to,
Speaker 1: and so I don't want to talk about it. And
Speaker 1: I don't know, like, can't you just skip that? Can't
Speaker 1: you just go, oh, I've just been like my dog
Speaker 1: is my life? Now, like just find something two or
Speaker 1: or just be honest, because you could just say I'm depressed.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I I feel like I'm not scared
Speaker 1: of those interactions as much. I'm just like I just
Speaker 1: don't want to. I don't want to do it, not
Speaker 1: because I'm scared of talking to people. I'm doing because
Speaker 1: I would rather be in bed reading. I mean, do
Speaker 1: they actually have a fear of singing? I mean, if
Speaker 1: you're in a small room you feel like you have
Speaker 1: to sing, Maybe they don't want to sing. That's an
Speaker 1: anxiety that people don't want to deal with. Uh. People Also,
Speaker 1: you know l A. People are competitive, Like if you're
Speaker 1: not doing something, if you don't have a show, if
Speaker 1: you don't have, you know, something going on, you're often
Speaker 1: seen as less then, maybe more so in your head
Speaker 1: than you actually are. You know, you're in a in
Speaker 1: a city that if you're not working, you might as
Speaker 1: well be debt, you know what I mean. Like, so
Speaker 1: someone like you, you're there, you you're there to promote
Speaker 1: your special you have so much going on. I used
Speaker 1: to live here and have nothing going on. I know
Speaker 1: what it's like that, But do you remember that feeling
Speaker 1: then of not I never cared if people ask because
Speaker 1: I always knew that my future was bright, Like this
Speaker 1: is part of the process to get to where I'm going.
Speaker 1: M h. I mean, that's a great outlook. That's a
Speaker 1: very positive outlook that you like, I just never thought, like,
Speaker 1: because something's not happening now, it's because I'm not talented.
Speaker 1: But I don't even think. But how can you not
Speaker 1: apply that then to when someone goes when you're worried
Speaker 1: someone's gonna call you ugly, but you're like, well, I'm talented.
Speaker 1: But then I guess underneath it all, do you think,
Speaker 1: because no one in a conversation is gonna say to
Speaker 1: me you're not talented. If I'm talking to a friend
Speaker 1: and I go, I don't really have anything going on
Speaker 1: right now, they're not gonna go, you're ugly and not talented.
Speaker 1: They might say that if I say you suck you
Speaker 1: guys aren't laughing, then, Like that's why I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't ever get into altercations with people and confront them
Speaker 1: because I'm scared they'll use the ugly card. But no
Speaker 1: one's going to use the ugly card when I'm just
Speaker 1: saying I don't have anything going on. Yeah, it's a
Speaker 1: different thing, I guess, and I know what you're saying.
Speaker 1: I get what you're saying, but I just I think
Speaker 1: that like when I hear my friends say, like, I
Speaker 1: don't have anything going on and I don't. I'm like
Speaker 1: depressed about my life and I don't want to talk
Speaker 1: to anyone about like I'll depressed they I'm I'm like
Speaker 1: to me, I'm like even the people that are killing
Speaker 1: it are depressed, and just say just say you're depressed.
Speaker 1: Like that will connect to saying like, oh, I'm working
Speaker 1: on this web series that I'm writing, like instead of
Speaker 1: like trying to make something of like yeah, I just
Speaker 1: feel like that could be the answer. And also but
Speaker 1: I get it, like like I don't relate to that,
Speaker 1: like some people might not relate to, like Kirsten might
Speaker 1: not be relate to relate to wanting to stay in bed.
Speaker 1: Like Kirsten, her being sick is like the worst thing ever,
Speaker 1: Whereas like I would I really, I know, I don't
Speaker 1: get physically sick ever. And I my my boyfriend says
Speaker 1: when I when he was got COVID, when he was
Speaker 1: got COVID, when he got COVID, I remember saying, I'm
Speaker 1: a little bit jealous you have COVID because you have
Speaker 1: an excuse to be in bed, And like I just
Speaker 1: never have an excuse to be in bed. I mean,
Speaker 1: I could say I'm depressed, but people sometimes get a
Speaker 1: little bit like depression. People don't really take as like
Speaker 1: like like for me, it's like a cold, it lasts
Speaker 1: a couple of days. People that don't understand depression, they're like,
Speaker 1: you're gonna this might she might kill herself. She's a liability.
Speaker 1: I don't want to work with her, like it's it's
Speaker 1: not the same as the depression being like I want
Speaker 1: to I can't make it today. I'm depressed. It becomes
Speaker 1: like this cloud as if you're saying, like I have
Speaker 1: stage one something like this is this is gonna end
Speaker 1: in my death perhaps, and you should be worried about
Speaker 1: me as opposed to like I'm just feeling down today. Um.
Speaker 1: Whereas if you call and you say I have COVID,
Speaker 1: people go, oh man, that sucks, and they're not like
Speaker 1: I'm so worried about Nikki she might die, you know,
Speaker 1: like COVID now, as opposed to like before do you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, like, um, I wish I could
Speaker 1: get sick of it? But then Chris was like, you
Speaker 1: don't want to be sick because you feel sick, And
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I forgot about that part, Like
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know what it's like to feel sick.
Speaker 1: So I don't know. I feel sick in the head
Speaker 1: a lot, but I don't know what it's like to
Speaker 1: feel like physically, like so sick. And I know that
Speaker 1: that's awful and I don't wish that all myself. But
Speaker 1: you know, during the Dancing with the Stars, I prayed
Speaker 1: to God to get injured, and I did. And sometimes
Speaker 1: I feel like I want to just like I know
Speaker 1: that if I asked for it, I'd be like so
Speaker 1: mad once I got it. I just don't want to migraine.
Speaker 1: I want any kind of sickness except the migraine. I
Speaker 1: think I can handle stomach. I just want something to
Speaker 1: get me out of the constant stream of text and
Speaker 1: emails that I get bombarded with every day. And I
Speaker 1: know that I'm very lucky to be working and having
Speaker 1: people want to work with me, but it is, it's
Speaker 1: just it's just too much. Me and THEO were talking.
Speaker 1: I did Theo's podcast this weekend and we were talking
Speaker 1: about just um burnout and like when and I think people,
Speaker 1: anyone who even is unemployed, can feel burnout of just
Speaker 1: like I gotta work on my garden, I gotta clean
Speaker 1: the garage. I gotta take the kids to school. I
Speaker 1: gotta take the kids to practice. I gotta take the
Speaker 1: kids a little league. I gotta have the cable. I
Speaker 1: gotta meet the cable man. Like just saying yes to
Speaker 1: too many things, too many things have to get done,
Speaker 1: and then nothing gets done. I just feel that if
Speaker 1: you say no to this one thing, that could have
Speaker 1: been the thing that makes someone Like if I say
Speaker 1: no to a podcast, a producer or someone who an
Speaker 1: actress or someone who wants to work with me could
Speaker 1: have heard me and been like, I want to work
Speaker 1: with her, and like that leads to this opportunity that
Speaker 1: I missed because I just didn't do this one podcast.
Speaker 1: But an opportunity that will put more on your plate
Speaker 1: that will actually make you unhappy. No, an opportunity that
Speaker 1: actually I might like that will make me so much
Speaker 1: money that will make it so that I can, you know,
Speaker 1: retire sooner my parents, by my parents a house, you know,
Speaker 1: like it's money. I get. Yeah, It's like, there's this
Speaker 1: photo shoot that I just turned down that's like this
Speaker 1: amazing photo shoot that's done by this amazing photographer and
Speaker 1: um and it would be in New York right before
Speaker 1: I'm doing Seth Meuyers next week. It would be on
Speaker 1: that day, and I'm like, I want to focus on
Speaker 1: my Seth Buyers interview. I don't want to style myself.
Speaker 1: I don't want to pay a thousand dollars per look
Speaker 1: for a stylist to come in when I'm not getting
Speaker 1: paid for this thing. It's up for a magazine no
Speaker 1: one's even heard of. But it would be cool pictures
Speaker 1: that I would have the rest of my life. And
Speaker 1: I need new pictures because I've aged significantly since my
Speaker 1: last ones. UM. And it would be these really cool
Speaker 1: like Vogue E type like model shots. UM. And I
Speaker 1: turned it down because I just don't want to start.
Speaker 1: I don't want to come up with three outfits. I can't.
Speaker 1: I have to go on The Talk this week. I
Speaker 1: have to go on Conan's podcast, so I have to
Speaker 1: at least wear something cute from the bottom up or
Speaker 1: from the waist up. I had to go on Bill
Speaker 1: Maher's podcast. That's a full outfit. The Talk is a
Speaker 1: full outfit because I think I have to walk to
Speaker 1: the desk. Um. Seth Meyer's next next week is a
Speaker 1: full outfit. Um. It's like coming up with outfits is alone,
Speaker 1: like just such a hair and makeup to like like
Speaker 1: figuring out that I'm doing a shoot with the Hollywood
Speaker 1: Reporter tomorrow. Um, it's all just like so everything you
Speaker 1: say yes to isn't just like showing up, even podcasting
Speaker 1: like the use podcasts. I look as like a quarter
Speaker 1: of a million views within two hours or something, you know,
Speaker 1: like that's gonna have more views than my TV show
Speaker 1: on E Like and I'm not and I'm wing it.
Speaker 1: I'm doing my hair and makeup on the uber. They're like,
Speaker 1: where are my priorities? I mean, I just I don't
Speaker 1: want to do anymore. I mean, these are champaign problems
Speaker 1: in a way, but they're real problems. They're not it's
Speaker 1: not fake. It's not like just because it sounds like
Speaker 1: I don't know, like on the flip side, like look
Speaker 1: at my ship right now, like I have I feel like, um,
Speaker 1: some I'm somewhat successful in this business, right Like I
Speaker 1: I make more money probably in stand up comedians, you know.
Speaker 1: I if I do, like put on a show in Nashville,
Speaker 1: I'm sure my ticket sales aren't like insane, but they're
Speaker 1: pretty decent. I bet if I called and asked, like, man,
Speaker 1: engagement is good. I talked to an agent and he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'll give you to one of my you know, below agents,
Speaker 1: you know, like something, but it will be on my team.
Speaker 1: And then he talks to his team and they're like, well,
Speaker 1: actually no one can take you right now, even the
Speaker 1: below agents. So like the flip side of what you're
Speaker 1: going through, and like here I am as someone that
Speaker 1: I know, like if you put me, I will do
Speaker 1: well and stand up and I could probably draw a
Speaker 1: decent amount and they don't even want to make the
Speaker 1: phone calls for me to get and none for them.
Speaker 1: Agencies don't if these are problems of like I can't
Speaker 1: even get someone to get me something, even though now
Speaker 1: I'm just reaching out the clubs myself. Now that's like
Speaker 1: my new thing. I got this. That's what you do,
Speaker 1: That's what everyone does. My point is, though, is that
Speaker 1: like like here you are having opportunities sent out you,
Speaker 1: and then on the flip side here I can't even
Speaker 1: get so together. I'm just saying like to that, like
Speaker 1: so I don't know. I'm just trying to put things
Speaker 1: maybe in perspective problems and you proved it. Let's the break,
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Hand raut. Every rose is a thorn.
Speaker 1: I did that one. That one. It's okay. I don't
Speaker 1: think you've ever said every road is before. Yeah, think
Speaker 1: about it. We're back. Yeah, I hear what you're saying.
Speaker 1: And I'm not trying to be like I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to be not grateful for the things, but I'm just
Speaker 1: a little bit saying like it, Um, yeah, I I've
Speaker 1: been I've been in your shoes. I've been in these
Speaker 1: sandals I'm wearing, and it doesn't get easier for some reason.
Speaker 1: And the difference is like you're making a living wage
Speaker 1: though like you're not, at least you're not like you
Speaker 1: know it, broke and having to do stuff you don't
Speaker 1: want to do necessarily for money. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, money,
Speaker 1: it's probably more than just money. It just what doesn't
Speaker 1: make sense to But that's the thing, Like I think
Speaker 1: I generate income however, like and future income and like yeah,
Speaker 1: I know, like some of these agents they only want
Speaker 1: to represent people that do theaters, but there are junior
Speaker 1: agents that are representing people that would be less of
Speaker 1: a draw than me that for some reason, I don't
Speaker 1: want you know, and granted, like I gotta go to
Speaker 1: maybe different agencies and talk to multiple and like I
Speaker 1: understand that, but I'm just saying, like it's just like
Speaker 1: some you know, some things just don't make sense in
Speaker 1: this business, like where like even in the past, like
Speaker 1: when I've done very well at clubs in New York
Speaker 1: and I didn't get a fair look, I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know, like I don't know, there's just a lot
Speaker 1: of like nose in this business where you think, well, why,
Speaker 1: like what is it about me that's not good enough?
Speaker 1: You know, like I don't know personally of course, I
Speaker 1: mean I didn't get on Comedy Central. I Comedy Central
Speaker 1: would not look at me, not acknowledge me. There was
Speaker 1: this you know, Live at Gotham was the show to
Speaker 1: get on, and then Comedy Central Presents was a thing
Speaker 1: that you couldn't even get a half hour until you
Speaker 1: got on on Live at Gotham. And I was in
Speaker 1: New York, I had been on the Tonight Show, I
Speaker 1: had been on Last Comic Standing, and they just would
Speaker 1: not ever acknowledge me. They would I would do their
Speaker 1: showcases every year to get on Live at Gotham or
Speaker 1: whatever they whatever kind of thing they had never ever
Speaker 1: and it was just like what is it? It's personal
Speaker 1: like and sometimes it is like, um, I was talking
Speaker 1: to a comic this weekend who's like, I can't get
Speaker 1: spots this place because the person new books it does
Speaker 1: not like me. Just I know they don't like me.
Speaker 1: I know why they don't like me. It's a misunderstanding,
Speaker 1: but they just don't like me. And I'm like, then
Speaker 1: like find another way then, like instead of complaining about
Speaker 1: why don't they like me, like just do just give
Speaker 1: up on that, because like, you can't convince someone to
Speaker 1: like you really, I mean, it's gonna be their thing.
Speaker 1: I remember the second that I got an MPTV show,
Speaker 1: Comedy Central came calling because it's like, oh, someone else
Speaker 1: likes you, now we want you. Or it was like
Speaker 1: you know the people that we're controlling that we're saying
Speaker 1: yes to things that Comedy Central just kind of got
Speaker 1: a bad idea of who I was because I was
Speaker 1: like dating comedians and they thought I was just like
Speaker 1: they dismissed me because they thought I was just some
Speaker 1: like stupid whore that like wanted to be a good
Speaker 1: comedian by fucking them or something. Even though I wasn't.
Speaker 1: And I think that once they got to know me,
Speaker 1: they you know, at a party like like you know,
Speaker 1: a Christmas party at a club once and I met
Speaker 1: the people that were making the decisions, they were like, oh,
Speaker 1: we actually do like like, I don't know what happened,
Speaker 1: but it was never in my control. Yeah, it's running.
Speaker 1: The agent that I spoke to was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: just assumed you had an agent. You know. That's another
Speaker 1: thing that is a way to look at it, Like, oh,
Speaker 1: they probably assumed that I have someone like some one helping.
Speaker 1: But it's whatever. I don't know. I'm just like, it's
Speaker 1: just you know, I sent out probably like thirty different
Speaker 1: emails to clubs and you hear back from like one
Speaker 1: after like two weeks, and you're just like, do I
Speaker 1: write again? I guess I'll just send another one. You know.
Speaker 1: It's just it's, you know, whatever it is. But um,
Speaker 1: that's good that you did that. Though, yeah, no if
Speaker 1: you if you it felt proactive. It feels like I'm
Speaker 1: actually like, you know, I'm feeling motivated about it, and
Speaker 1: you know that felt good to just do it. So
Speaker 1: and I've got um, but it is what it is. Uh,
Speaker 1: what else has been going on. It is what it is,
Speaker 1: you know, like the Roses Thorne. You know, it's just
Speaker 1: like such a thing that you say. It never makes
Speaker 1: anyone feel better about anything. Hey, it was what it was.
Speaker 1: It's like the like it is what I'll never forget.
Speaker 1: It's a part of a bit I used to do.
Speaker 1: But my friend Um who discovered one night when we
Speaker 1: were all showing each other our Labia's um one night
Speaker 1: because I was like, I was the first one of
Speaker 1: all my friends. I was my first of my friends
Speaker 1: to like feel insecure about my vagina and they didn't
Speaker 1: even know that they should feel insecure about their's based
Speaker 1: on like what people talking, you know, like basically they're
Speaker 1: not listening. My friends were not listening to what men
Speaker 1: had were saying. I've always I had to say, I've
Speaker 1: always been more SENSI to like what what men around
Speaker 1: me are saying about women's bodies, what the internet is saying,
Speaker 1: Like I scope out, you know, land mines that I
Speaker 1: could possibly avoid to not get made fun of or
Speaker 1: not be called ugly or not be unlovable. And one
Speaker 1: of the things I found was like if you have
Speaker 1: a fucking sloppy pussy, and that men will make fun
Speaker 1: of you and they don't like it. And so one
Speaker 1: night at a college party, I told my friends, like
Speaker 1: I got drunk and like, I think it was the
Speaker 1: first time admitted like I hate my vagina and I
Speaker 1: think there's something wrong with it, and like I'm not
Speaker 1: ever going to hook up with anyone until i can
Speaker 1: get surgery and I'm saving up for it. And they
Speaker 1: were just like what. And then we all went in
Speaker 1: the bathroom to compare because it was like me, I
Speaker 1: think it was meet Kirsten Halla. And then there was
Speaker 1: a couple I'm not gonna say names, but it was
Speaker 1: in no it was that's the corn up version, but
Speaker 1: it was all it was just all my best friends,
Speaker 1: but it was it was a I've done this a
Speaker 1: lot in different parts of my life, but this was
Speaker 1: the first time I did. And it was in Kansas City, Missouri,
Speaker 1: downtown Casey. We runned a hotel I forget what for,
Speaker 1: and I remember my friend like they were there were
Speaker 1: I do a longer a bit about it. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna like do the whole bit, but my one friend
Speaker 1: had really really long labe up, like way longer than mine,
Speaker 1: and it made me feel so good because I'm like,
Speaker 1: she doesn't care about hers like there like and she doesn't.
Speaker 1: She's like hooks up a lot. She's like, I've never
Speaker 1: had any complaints, like it's mine. And then my other
Speaker 1: friend had like nothing, and it was like her vagina
Speaker 1: was perfect, and I was like, of course, yours is
Speaker 1: like amazing. And maybe you can guess who that is
Speaker 1: based on who I talked about before, who just seems
Speaker 1: to like like hiking and like decorating. She just wants
Speaker 1: to bring that perfect pussy everywhere. Yeah, it was just
Speaker 1: like it was so as soon as I saw it,
Speaker 1: I was just like, of course, and and you know
Speaker 1: that friend, this one is trying to get like like
Speaker 1: she's she's super thin and fit and like the rest
Speaker 1: of her friends are bitching about feeling like fat, and
Speaker 1: like she goes like, yeah, I know, I'm like so bloated,
Speaker 1: and you're like, get the funk out of here. Like
Speaker 1: they tried it. They want to feel a part of
Speaker 1: the group of like they want to join in on
Speaker 1: those self hating women talk, but they can't really because
Speaker 1: it's almost like me bitching about my career and you
Speaker 1: being like, well, look at what I like and you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: look look at my my laby. I didn't even get
Speaker 1: a call back. That's how I got into clubs. I
Speaker 1: was like, I got this amazing laby A joke you
Speaker 1: gotta see. Um, you should write them about your labia,
Speaker 1: which is really just your ball sack as a woman.
Speaker 1: Um So there, But then there was this one friend
Speaker 1: of mine that had like an in between, like if
Speaker 1: you were like, you know, goldilocks. She was like the
Speaker 1: mild one, but they were still longer than maybe. I
Speaker 1: showed pictures of like this is what men like, I guess,
Speaker 1: and please don't write me and be like I love
Speaker 1: meaty pussies. Please. It disgust me when you write that.
Speaker 1: I don't care what you like. Anyone who's listening, do
Speaker 1: not write me what you prefer in bed that I
Speaker 1: shouldn't be insecure about mine. Don't fucking write me anything
Speaker 1: about my vagina. It is my thing to talk about,
Speaker 1: not yours to comment on. Please God stop. Um So
Speaker 1: she wrote to or she um she was like a
Speaker 1: little bit traumatized. She was like, fuck, I didn't even
Speaker 1: know this was a thing. And I'm like it is
Speaker 1: like you're unlovable, Like you need to get surgery, like
Speaker 1: we can you know, save up together, because hers were
Speaker 1: a little bit more like mine, and she was like
Speaker 1: really like bombed out. And it was like I suddenly
Speaker 1: gave her this new insecurity that seconds before she had
Speaker 1: would never have thought about herself. And this is a
Speaker 1: friend of mine who like shares all the same insecurities
Speaker 1: I do, a really good friend. And so she was
Speaker 1: just like I could see and it was nice for
Speaker 1: me to like share this burden with someone. She was
Speaker 1: really sad. And then she was like, I have to
Speaker 1: call Steve and she was like I was like what
Speaker 1: she So she calls her ex boyfriend, who is in
Speaker 1: a different time zone and out like at parties we
Speaker 1: were in college, and she called him one speaker phone
Speaker 1: and she's and we're drunk and she's drunk and she's
Speaker 1: like Steve and he's like, yeah, what's up. He's like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I have a quick question, like you know my like
Speaker 1: you know my labia and he's like, um what. She's like,
Speaker 1: so my vagina okay, and he's like yeah. He's like
Speaker 1: She's like, are I like labia like the lips that
Speaker 1: like hang out? Is it? Like? Are they like really long?
Speaker 1: And he was like yeah, and she was like she
Speaker 1: was like she was like like the longest like you've
Speaker 1: ever seen. He's like yeah, probably, and we're all wingerphone
Speaker 1: waiting and then she goes, is that a bad thing,
Speaker 1: and he just goes, I mean, it is what it is,
Speaker 1: and it was just like, oh, yeah, is what it is.
Speaker 1: Which is what you say if you like, lose your
Speaker 1: arm in war or something like listen, no one wants this,
Speaker 1: but it is what it's like a defeatist like, it's
Speaker 1: it is what it is, is never proceeded by anything
Speaker 1: or preceded by anything good, like I want a million dollars.
Speaker 1: I mean, it is what it is. That it's always
Speaker 1: I lost a million dollars. It is what is. And
Speaker 1: so after that we will be will be say raw,
Speaker 1: so raw, that's what you know? Yeah, in case or
Speaker 1: rassara whatever, will will I be pretty, will be will
Speaker 1: be I guess it's a precursor to is man just
Speaker 1: it is what it is. If you can ever avoid
Speaker 1: using that in response to your woman's body, please try
Speaker 1: your own story about your crude. I saw a fucking
Speaker 1: picture of myself last weekend that was the state, Like, dude,
Speaker 1: it was so what it is. It was. It was
Speaker 1: I'm not even joking you. I showed Carlile because she
Speaker 1: was commented on some like you know, she was saying,
Speaker 1: like I'm so fat right now whatever. She was like
Speaker 1: lamenting about her body, as women often do. And she
Speaker 1: like showed me a picture like, look at this picture
Speaker 1: someone took me on stage. Look at my double chip.
Speaker 1: It was a bad picture of her. She just did
Speaker 1: not look herself, and I go, oh, I had that
Speaker 1: moment to look at this and like I could see
Speaker 1: how much she couldn't spin it. There was nothing to
Speaker 1: be said about, like that's not really what you look like,
Speaker 1: like it was me from the back wearing a one piece,
Speaker 1: and she goes, Honestly, Nikki, I've been doing this thing
Speaker 1: where I do twenty squads today. Like it really like
Speaker 1: it was about every It was about my arm, my butt,
Speaker 1: my back, my hump, my hump, shoulder, my legs, my cellulite,
Speaker 1: like it was about everything that could be wrong in
Speaker 1: a photo. I just didn't know I looked like that
Speaker 1: at all at all. And Chris's brother took the picture
Speaker 1: and then air dropped it to all of us, and
Speaker 1: all I could picture is Jack's wife, who is like
Speaker 1: an adorable little tiny thing zooming in on that picture
Speaker 1: much like I would if my husband were with like
Speaker 1: a famous comedian, and like I kind of like not
Speaker 1: that she Like, I just know that any time I
Speaker 1: zooming on women's bodies all the time, if I go,
Speaker 1: oh my god, they're kind of like not perfect, let
Speaker 1: me zoom in like, and I was like, how do
Speaker 1: I get that off their fucking phones? Because we all
Speaker 1: shared to each other, and I took Chris aside and
Speaker 1: I was like, no more pictures of me in a
Speaker 1: swimsuit without like and you cannot, we cannot air drop
Speaker 1: to those to everyone like I feel. So he's like,
Speaker 1: do you want me to get them back? Like I
Speaker 1: was like no, because then it's a thing. But I
Speaker 1: can't do this. And it was so hard for me
Speaker 1: not to let that ruin my fucking weekend. Um but
Speaker 1: and I said it to Anya because I just wanted
Speaker 1: to like send it to everyone that like I knew
Speaker 1: could not like there was no like it's bad lighting,
Speaker 1: it's a bad angle. You don't look like the way
Speaker 1: and it's like, no, you have put on some weight.
Speaker 1: This is not a good look. No one would ever
Speaker 1: say that is an attractive body. It looks like it
Speaker 1: should be a National Enquirer, like you know, the stars
Speaker 1: are are not like any of it. Like it's almost like,
Speaker 1: you know, one of those like the most horrifying picture
Speaker 1: that could ever be of me. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I forget what my point was, but it was it
Speaker 1: is what it is. I've let it go. I have
Speaker 1: started doing squads. I didn't like your way of getting
Speaker 1: like ahead of something that that was sent to a
Speaker 1: lot of people, and send it to more people. You
Speaker 1: know what I mean, because I want other people. I
Speaker 1: want to be able to go like my friends can't
Speaker 1: lie to me because you know, and then and then
Speaker 1: and then it confirms to me like I am undesirable.
Speaker 1: I know that they would probably kill themselves if they
Speaker 1: looked like this, Like that's what I always do, is
Speaker 1: like where there are the photos you liked of yourself
Speaker 1: in that drop box? And by this way, when I
Speaker 1: say cold myself and kill yourself, you looked like that.
Speaker 1: Please don't be like Nikki. I'm bigger than you, so
Speaker 1: this makes this hurts my feelings. Here you say this,
Speaker 1: I'm allowed to not like my body no matter what
Speaker 1: size I am, and so are you. And it's not.
Speaker 1: It's not because of I'm not undesirable. I know that
Speaker 1: deep inside, and my female psyche it gets through that
Speaker 1: I am because I'm a little bit depressed because I'm
Speaker 1: living in a fucking you know what. You know what
Speaker 1: I did yesterday? I went to I went to the
Speaker 1: pool and I had like a dark like workout shirt on.
Speaker 1: I just went in the pool with the shirt on,
Speaker 1: rolled the sleeves up to work on you know, the
Speaker 1: upper arm dan because I have an insane farmer's dand
Speaker 1: right now from playing golf so much, and I just
Speaker 1: leaned into wearing a T shirt in the pool. At
Speaker 1: first people were like what are you doing? And then
Speaker 1: eventually like no one can say what are you doing? Well,
Speaker 1: Brenna was kind of just like, you're not taking the
Speaker 1: shirt off, and I was like, no, I'm just going
Speaker 1: going with the shirt in the pool. And honestly, I
Speaker 1: felt more like usually when I'm at the pool, I'm
Speaker 1: uncomfortable because my shirts off and I just feel like
Speaker 1: my body's okay, but like certain positions, like I just
Speaker 1: feel like I have manned tits a lot of time,
Speaker 1: and it's just like and uh, and I have a
Speaker 1: little bit of hair on my back whatever, and so
Speaker 1: I had my T shirt on. I sat at the
Speaker 1: pool for like two hours. I've never been more comfortable.
Speaker 1: And it was just like leaning into just stuff, being like, oh, no,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this thing. But I guess she's ever
Speaker 1: take your shirt off sex either, So the only time
Speaker 1: you would see it is a shower by yourself. Right, cool,
Speaker 1: it's a cooler farmer or a massage. But do you
Speaker 1: still leave your shirt on during sex? No? I take
Speaker 1: it off. I mean there's certain positions where I'd rather not,
Speaker 1: um have my shirt off. If I'm standing up and
Speaker 1: fucking shirt, it's great. But if I'm like leaning over
Speaker 1: and I could look down and I hate hanging over,
Speaker 1: and I see I hate it. They've got to be
Speaker 1: really stacked and like full for that like hangover like utters. Yes,
Speaker 1: they're bad. Okay, let's get to the news. Like my
Speaker 1: lower stomach will hang like not past my dick. But
Speaker 1: just like it's hard to like our biggest fear is
Speaker 1: we're unfuckable, and yet we're fucking someone during this and
Speaker 1: yet we still feel unfuckable. Like that's our real fear
Speaker 1: is like someone's gonna not love us and that we're
Speaker 1: not fuckable. But we First of all, you're sucking someone
Speaker 1: that does love you. Yet you still I feel like
Speaker 1: it is happening in the moment, yet you still feel unfussible.
Speaker 1: Why are they fucking me? I don't deserve this pleasure.
Speaker 1: Why are you fucking me? What's wrong with you? Yes?
Speaker 1: What's wrong? Literally? Nick? At me. I'm right on top
Speaker 1: of you. Look at me. We have so much show
Speaker 1: to get to. Let's get to the news first. I
Speaker 1: hope you had all the swells this weekend. It sounds
Speaker 1: like we did too. We love our bodies. It's great
Speaker 1: here having all the swells. Um, yeah, it's Monday. You
Speaker 1: know what that means. It's Monday. All right, back to
Speaker 1: you know in the studio over there in Arizona. Thanks Andrew,
Speaker 1: You're welcome, and over to you too. Then back to
Speaker 1: all right. Well, Nikki's in l A this week. She's
Speaker 1: got a lot of appearances, as we heard about in
Speaker 1: the first segment. Um so, but something that everyone needs
Speaker 1: to be aware of because on Saturday, July six, the
Speaker 1: Suicide Prevention Lifeline is getting a new number. Dialing eight
Speaker 1: will connect you with people who can help in a
Speaker 1: mental health crisis. Yeah, eight July sixteen. There's also the
Speaker 1: date of my special coming out called Good Clean Filth.
Speaker 1: I thought this was crossed promotion. Yeah, yeah, I know
Speaker 1: what number. I'll be dialing that night when the when
Speaker 1: the tweets don't come in? Wait, what was the suicide number? Before?
Speaker 1: Was like really long? It was that one song? Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: what was it? I didn't I don't just have it.
Speaker 1: I mean I don't have a memorize because it's just
Speaker 1: in my phone under help you know, No, I don't
Speaker 1: have it in my phone, like but we don't have
Speaker 1: any But it was that song. Remember that song? I
Speaker 1: love that song. That's logic. It would be so hard
Speaker 1: to um request that at a radio station, like you know,
Speaker 1: like if you're calling in. I think that's the number
Speaker 1: that it made on the charts. To know that was
Speaker 1: actually a good song, I think of that. It doesn't
Speaker 1: that doesn't conjure any lyrics for me. I was trying
Speaker 1: to think of like what the lyrics were to like
Speaker 1: spur any sort of like sing a long thing here,
Speaker 1: But I can't remember it. Yeah, that's a nice song lyrics,
Speaker 1: Hold on, I want to look it up. Um, I've
Speaker 1: been on the low. I've been taking my time. I
Speaker 1: feel like a mat A mom mand that. I feel
Speaker 1: like my last faint mine. Who can relate? That's so good.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be alive. I don't want alive.
Speaker 1: Yeah that song is really good. Um but yeah, that
Speaker 1: he named it, now he can rename that's on nine eight.
Speaker 1: So if you're feeling suicide, call and someone will talk
Speaker 1: to you. That's pretty that's a pretty nice thing out there.
Speaker 1: I wonder how long it'll take them to get back
Speaker 1: in Detroit. Oh my god, yeah, no kidding. If you
Speaker 1: call nine one one and detroited, what did they say?
Speaker 1: It takes an hour for them to do. That was
Speaker 1: one of my jokes from when we were in Detroit.
Speaker 1: When I had to look up things about it. It
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, the average weight time is like an
Speaker 1: hour for the cops to respond to a call. Like
Speaker 1: if you call the cops and you get through to one, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, when I called the cops to get
Speaker 1: through when I we were in Detroit because we saw
Speaker 1: a car accident about to happen, it kept ringing and
Speaker 1: I never got through and they did call me back.
Speaker 1: But um, yeah, so called nine eight. Don't call nine
Speaker 1: one one if you're feeling suicidal. Um, no, what were
Speaker 1: you gonna say? You said something else about this? Oh,
Speaker 1: I was going to say that. Also, the suicide hotline
Speaker 1: is not just for suicide. It's call if you're having
Speaker 1: a mental mental health crisis of any kind, or if
Speaker 1: someone you're concerned about is about is thinking of suicide
Speaker 1: and you want to find ways to help them. Oh,
Speaker 1: that's not the I T guy that works for like
Speaker 1: Amazon is also that suicide. Like I used to date
Speaker 1: someone who volunteered for that. He was an aspiring comedian,
Speaker 1: He had no personality. It was perfect for him for
Speaker 1: a suicide. That sounds like you'd want to Yeah, because
Speaker 1: you have to be neutral nation you got to talk
Speaker 1: to people logically literally like the Yeah, I would do that,
Speaker 1: I think, but I would feel so burdened, Like I
Speaker 1: don't know. Sometimes I feel like even when like my
Speaker 1: friends or like other people in my life get really
Speaker 1: sad and like need my help, I like kind of
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, now it's up to me that this
Speaker 1: person doesn't kill themselves, Like I don't want this, Like
Speaker 1: do you ever feel that way when a friend is
Speaker 1: like deeply in need and you're like, but I and
Speaker 1: too busy right now, Like I literally can't and now
Speaker 1: it's up to me that you don't hurt. You're like,
Speaker 1: what do I do? It's it feels sometimes like I
Speaker 1: get scared and I get a little bit resentful where
Speaker 1: I'm like where someone is like I really need you
Speaker 1: right now and like puts it all on you. I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever done that when I was feeling
Speaker 1: like really sad. Um. And that's when you call that
Speaker 1: fucking line. Actually is when your friends are not able
Speaker 1: to be there for you, or maybe you don't have friends,
Speaker 1: which is not a fucking crime. If you don't have friends,
Speaker 1: it's sometimes call it's you, it's your buddy. I'm at
Speaker 1: work right now. I'm working a suicide hotline, so I
Speaker 1: can't be here. Wait is that you, Dave? I can't
Speaker 1: say who it is. Uh, you didn't text me back. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm working, so I'm making you want to baby. The
Speaker 1: next news story, Okay, the next news story is about
Speaker 1: your favorite Starbucks um After launching its new chicken sandwich
Speaker 1: this week or last week, they quietly pulled it off
Speaker 1: the market because of complaints of diarrhea yeah, um, chicken
Speaker 1: squirrel shed. Guys, stop it, stop it with your It's healthy,
Speaker 1: just that. But coffee makes the diuretic makes you ship
Speaker 1: so much like they're like, yeah, I drinking coffee, I'm
Speaker 1: shipping before I take the first sip. That's great. Love
Speaker 1: it too? A chicken chip not so much? Yeah, that's interesting. Ship.
Speaker 1: What a great name for a little bit a little
Speaker 1: chicken shit. Oh it is a really good one. It's
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't even I don't even want to.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm so not in the mood to talk
Speaker 1: about chickens and why we shouldn't be more than the
Speaker 1: fact it was diarrhea. Yeah, but never mind. Every do
Speaker 1: you like having? Would you rather have sol diarrhea ships
Speaker 1: or art ships? Um, that's a good question. I would
Speaker 1: rather have diarrhea because at least I feel thin. I mean,
Speaker 1: I cannot stand like U t I s feel like
Speaker 1: in cramps, feel like you have to take a ship
Speaker 1: out of your vagina and it hurts so bad, Like
Speaker 1: I just hate having hard things down there. It's so
Speaker 1: But diarrhea is terrible. But again, I love an excuse
Speaker 1: to get out of anything. And when you have diarrhea,
Speaker 1: you really can't leave your place. You can't do anything,
Speaker 1: and you can tell someone you're sick and then you
Speaker 1: just sit on the toilet, which sucks. Both of them suck.
Speaker 1: But man, I saw this great thing today. There's this
Speaker 1: girl that I met through mutual friends and we kind
Speaker 1: of like we hung out a little bit, but we
Speaker 1: always just followed each other on Instagram and she has
Speaker 1: a baby now, and she posted this thing on her
Speaker 1: Instagram story today that was you know, She like wrote,
Speaker 1: like what you're about to see actually happened. I am
Speaker 1: a new mom, and I was feeling hungover this morning
Speaker 1: and kind of like pissed at myself for even going
Speaker 1: to this musical festival last night even though I'm a
Speaker 1: new mom, but like I deserved it, but also like
Speaker 1: I'm fucking suffering today. And I walked in to my
Speaker 1: daughter who was in one of those like little like
Speaker 1: round things where they just like kind of bounce and
Speaker 1: they like stand up. Babies can stand up, but it's
Speaker 1: like round and they can spin around, you know, And
Speaker 1: she was like my daughter, I like it was maybe
Speaker 1: not being the most attentive mom today. She had diarrhea.
Speaker 1: It ran down her leg, onto the onto the surface
Speaker 1: that would she bounced and my daughter is just slipping
Speaker 1: and slidding and like dancing upon her diarrhea. And then
Speaker 1: she posted the video of it, and it's so funny
Speaker 1: and it makes me feel like I just was like,
Speaker 1: thank you for posting this, because I bet so many
Speaker 1: moms can relate of just like fucking like I look
Speaker 1: away for like I give myself five extra minutes where
Speaker 1: my husband is maybe like I know he is nearby
Speaker 1: watching TV. He falls asleep, and our daughter is dancing
Speaker 1: and her diarrhea, and like what a real moment that
Speaker 1: was that. I just don't think a lot of moms
Speaker 1: post that stuff because it's just humiliating and you feel
Speaker 1: like a neglectful mom. But really it's just like you're
Speaker 1: allowed to look away for a little bit. So she
Speaker 1: probably looked just like her the night before at the dance.
Speaker 1: The baby was so happy too, and just like sliding
Speaker 1: around like than watching a baby et pudding and not
Speaker 1: give a fuck, Like they don't give a fuck the
Speaker 1: idea there are such mailboxes like they don't they're not
Speaker 1: affected the baby's cannons or of your anger, but they
Speaker 1: just don't care. It's so freeing and that's why when
Speaker 1: you look at a baby, they have perfect posture there.
Speaker 1: But if they're sitting up and they have no back
Speaker 1: to a chair and they're just sitting, babies have perfect posture.
Speaker 1: They're not weighed down by life yet, they're not touched
Speaker 1: over when they're on a device there, they just look
Speaker 1: down with their head like this, which is where you're
Speaker 1: supposed to look down. You're supposed to they haven't had
Speaker 1: a cell phone yet, you're yeah, but when you but
Speaker 1: if you're natural, like your natural way to look at
Speaker 1: things is there's like um there, you just kind of
Speaker 1: take your ears and if there was a bar going
Speaker 1: through right where your ear is, pretty much that's where
Speaker 1: your head should rotate from to go up and down.
Speaker 1: That's all you need side to side. You don't need
Speaker 1: to do your neck like this. You just need this.
Speaker 1: That's all you need. And babies do that naturally. And
Speaker 1: babies also sit up straight naturally and have their butt
Speaker 1: like kind of babies look like they're like waddling, but
Speaker 1: that's the natural way to sit. Like I saw a baby.
Speaker 1: When I'm sitting without a chair back, I'm like much immediately.
Speaker 1: And babies, if you watch a baby, try to naturally
Speaker 1: walk like a baby or sit like a baby, and
Speaker 1: you'll be doing it the natural way because babies aren't
Speaker 1: burdened by life yet. And when babies cry, they aren't
Speaker 1: stifling their cries yet because they're not they're not trying
Speaker 1: to be polite, they're not worried what other people think.
Speaker 1: So babies they sound so loud because their bodies are
Speaker 1: completely comfortable, so their bodies are vibrating and making this
Speaker 1: sound get so much bigger. Whereas human us humans were
Speaker 1: so tense and when we cry, we're like like it
Speaker 1: stays up in your head. But if we were relaxed
Speaker 1: and letting it cry, like really letting ourselves, our cries
Speaker 1: would be so much louder because our body would vibrate
Speaker 1: like like an instrument. It's very interesting. Let's go to
Speaker 1: break and come back with um. Top bottom one. Alright,
Speaker 1: we're back. It's Monday, so it's time for top one,
Speaker 1: bottom one and the category today as something in a
Speaker 1: hotel tell room. Okay, top one, bottom one things in
Speaker 1: your hotel room, in a hotel room, any hotel room
Speaker 1: that you like and then don't like. Um, let's start
Speaker 1: with bottom. I'll go first. The worst thing in a
Speaker 1: hotel room is how I got to I'm sorry, I
Speaker 1: always go to um no place to charge your phone.
Speaker 1: Next like the charge like the plug to plug in
Speaker 1: your phone, you have to like pull out the bed,
Speaker 1: which is disgusting because you see all the things that
Speaker 1: the maid didn't has never gotten over thousands of stays.
Speaker 1: Or the plug is just like precarious, like we need
Speaker 1: plugs next to the bed for your phones at Airbnb's
Speaker 1: at hotels. If you don't have that going on at
Speaker 1: your Airbnb, give me my money back, bit that is insane.
Speaker 1: And then secondly, the most disgusting thing in a hotel
Speaker 1: room that I didn't learn until I did Last Comic
Speaker 1: Standing in two thousand and six. I it was not
Speaker 1: a road comic before that, so I didn't have experience
Speaker 1: in hotels. I remember I got to the Hilton Garden
Speaker 1: in in two dozen six and I was staying with
Speaker 1: jack you Cation because we were at the semifinals for
Speaker 1: Last Coming Standing. She's another comedian, Jacucation, and we were
Speaker 1: sharing hotel room and Doug Benson came by to like
Speaker 1: just hang out because he was also a semifinal and
Speaker 1: we were all staying at the same hotel kind of
Speaker 1: quarantine there. And he came by and he was like,
Speaker 1: and Jackie's bed had the top sheet off and mine
Speaker 1: still was on. And he was like, I can tell
Speaker 1: here who is a road comic and who is actually
Speaker 1: experienced room comic. And I was like, and he was like,
Speaker 1: because the fact that you left that on, like it's
Speaker 1: like she like, and now when I'm on and the road,
Speaker 1: that thing comes off lickety split. Like now I stay
Speaker 1: at nicer hotels, but like that have like nice betting
Speaker 1: that they washed the dube. But like there are times
Speaker 1: where I still stay at like double trees or courtyards.
Speaker 1: That top sheet, whatever it is, there's a top thing
Speaker 1: that you can remove that doesn't involve the whole comforter.
Speaker 1: Get it the funk off your bed, especially if it's
Speaker 1: like a quilted thing or a runner at the bottom
Speaker 1: of the bed. That thing never gets washed. Get it
Speaker 1: off your bed, Do not set anything on it, do
Speaker 1: not touch it. And I am someone who is dirty
Speaker 1: as fuck. I do not care at all about germs,
Speaker 1: and that thing I would never ever leave on my bed.
Speaker 1: I pick it up with my fingers like I'm picking
Speaker 1: up a dirty taper. The tips of my fingers with
Speaker 1: my nails and then I wash my nails. So um,
Speaker 1: that is if you if you're not an experienced traveler,
Speaker 1: just know that is the dirtiest thing in a hotel
Speaker 1: room besides the pillows, and bring your own pillow. Pillows
Speaker 1: are disgusting, maids. Have I've watched enough things and I
Speaker 1: actually did a segment on my show Not Safe about
Speaker 1: the dirtiest thing in a hotel room, and it is
Speaker 1: by far the pillows. The pillowcases are washed, but the
Speaker 1: pillows underneath are horrific that even a pillow case, you
Speaker 1: would not trust it to protect you from what happens
Speaker 1: on those pillows so much Seaman gets wiped on them.
Speaker 1: Even I wipe like my like, if I'm using a
Speaker 1: toy and it's like as some stuff on it, I
Speaker 1: will wipe it on the pillow next, Like it's gross. Guys,
Speaker 1: all right, what's your least favorite thing in a hotel room? Well,
Speaker 1: now it's the top sheet. Um, I didn't even think
Speaker 1: of it. I've already helped someone. You know, it's really frustrating,
Speaker 1: but it's it's not It's not in enough hotel rooms
Speaker 1: to become an insane problem. For a lot of people,
Speaker 1: but I just hate it. Is the shower that you
Speaker 1: have to get to the heat. You have to go
Speaker 1: through the water, so like the door is set up
Speaker 1: that it goes in, so you have to get wet
Speaker 1: with very cold water to turn the shower on. And
Speaker 1: it's like your ronic is bullshit. It's bullshit, and you
Speaker 1: have so much money to just fix it. It's like
Speaker 1: and and it's probably some dickhead like engineer designer that's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm doing it different. I'm showing the world that I
Speaker 1: I studied abroad in my rid or whatever ever. That
Speaker 1: might just be me. I've lived there for two weeks,
Speaker 1: not to brag. But whoever designed that thinks they're being
Speaker 1: like clever or whatever, stop it. Just stop it. Just
Speaker 1: fucking have a curtain or a door that opens out.
Speaker 1: You have to get your arm wet and the wet
Speaker 1: And I know this is like so first word world problems,
Speaker 1: but like getting your wet, getting your arm wet with
Speaker 1: like wet cold water when you're just trying to turn
Speaker 1: on and figure out the shower itself to like pull
Speaker 1: the right thing, because sometimes there's a knob that switches
Speaker 1: it from the overhead shower to the side thing or
Speaker 1: like the little novel. Yeah, so you're doing all You're
Speaker 1: pulling all these levers and you to get wet doing it.
Speaker 1: It is insane. I don't even know. I don't understand
Speaker 1: how the engineering could be that bad. And so many
Speaker 1: hotels this happens all the time. Yeah, it's wild, So
Speaker 1: fucking fix it. Yeah, good one bottom. Okay, wait, so
Speaker 1: mine is also bathroom related thing. I cannot stand when
Speaker 1: they put the sink outside of the actual bathroom and
Speaker 1: you're like literally flossing and brushing your teeth in the
Speaker 1: middle of the room. Yes, yes, and you know, I
Speaker 1: just like a sink belongs in the bathroom, please, especially
Speaker 1: if I'm paying for the room. That is a good point. Okay,
Speaker 1: I like that too. It's never really bothered me, but
Speaker 1: now it really is. Um. I think it never bothered
Speaker 1: me because it kept me accountable to washing my hands
Speaker 1: because I would then encounter it in the hallway and
Speaker 1: I go, oh, I gotta do this. And if I'm
Speaker 1: sharing a hotel room with someone, it like it's really
Speaker 1: got to happen. Yeah, if I'm sharing a room with someone,
Speaker 1: then they can they see too much of what I do.
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, hate when I need to shoot in
Speaker 1: the sink because it's clogged the toilet and they have
Speaker 1: to will watch me then ship in the same thing
Speaker 1: that gets wasted after Like you just open it and
Speaker 1: it's one stay and use it for one hand washing
Speaker 1: and then you just go, oh, well, that's just gonna
Speaker 1: go the little Every time I use the little plastic things,
Speaker 1: I'm just like, God, this is all just so fucking wasteful.
Speaker 1: It's just a constant reminder. The hotel room, I'm saying
Speaker 1: out now, is like this eco friendly place. The key
Speaker 1: cards are wooden chips. They're little round wooden chips the
Speaker 1: size of like eight poker ship and in the bathroom
Speaker 1: and it has a timer like that you would come
Speaker 1: in the game of like Milton Bradley is like sorry,
Speaker 1: you know, like it's like a little sand and you
Speaker 1: flip it when you go in the shower so that
Speaker 1: you don't waste too much water. Um. And it's also
Speaker 1: like this this hotel is supposed to be like you
Speaker 1: only stay here to relax. Even when you go onto
Speaker 1: their WiFi, it's like we know that you're just here
Speaker 1: to relax. But sometimes as you need a little WiFi,
Speaker 1: and it's like, who is ever relaxing ever anymore? Um,
Speaker 1: so yeah, I'm staying at this. I do like this
Speaker 1: hotel though it's smells so fucking good in the lobby,
Speaker 1: even though I haven't even been there in a while
Speaker 1: because I stay in my room all day and I
Speaker 1: use a weird exit to get out. But I do
Speaker 1: get off at face Jim, which is where they go
Speaker 1: pummel your face. Oh face massage is so good. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's get to the top. Final thought. Let's say our
Speaker 1: favorite things about hotel rooms. What we encounter that is
Speaker 1: our favorite thing. Anyone want to go first? I thought
Speaker 1: you were gonna. I'll go first. Blackout curtains a sufficient
Speaker 1: blackout curtain that I don't have to like there's not
Speaker 1: a sliver of light coming through. Um. And also one
Speaker 1: that gets you know cold. Um, this one gets down
Speaker 1: to sixty six degrees. I appreciate it very much. Uh
Speaker 1: that that is my favorite thing. Blackout curtains are so good.
Speaker 1: People always are like I don't get enough sleep. Oh
Speaker 1: I couldn't sleeping, Like, did you have the room dark?
Speaker 1: No one ever thinks about the light, Like that's what's
Speaker 1: waking you up. Light and sound, white noise, blackout curtain. Otherwise,
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear about you not getting sleep.
Speaker 1: You're not doing everything you can and it's very simple.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, go ahead, Okay. So my favorite thing, uh,
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess there's a lot, but lighting. I
Speaker 1: like the hotels have like a light by the bed,
Speaker 1: a light in the corner. Like it's just it's more
Speaker 1: it's kind of like, wow, I don't know how to
Speaker 1: do this in my own house, and it's cool that
Speaker 1: I haven't here. There's like accident lightning. Yes, a bedside
Speaker 1: light is so cruise. I also love um. I love
Speaker 1: like a different kind of mattress than you get usually
Speaker 1: you get to kind of try out different things. I
Speaker 1: love um robes, um. I love the amount of towels
Speaker 1: was in Microbiculous movie, but he was you know about
Speaker 1: being a comic on the road, but using towels as
Speaker 1: napkins is like my favorite thing is like draping a
Speaker 1: towel on me and like just wiping my hand, like
Speaker 1: just being able to get so dirty because you have
Speaker 1: so many napkins and their towels. There's something really nice
Speaker 1: to about having a limited amount of clothes. When you
Speaker 1: go to a hotel where even if you destroy the
Speaker 1: hotel you throw everything everywhere, it's not that much stuff
Speaker 1: where it feels like you're weighted down, which is nice.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, I was thinking about robe. I
Speaker 1: love a robe because I don't I'm not a robe
Speaker 1: guy during my real life, So when I do it
Speaker 1: at a hotel, it's extra special, and I really feel
Speaker 1: like a billionaire that I could just tell people what
Speaker 1: to do and clip my toe nails and ship and
Speaker 1: be like. I mean, Jim Gaffcan has a bit about it.
Speaker 1: But the fact that robes we try them on and
Speaker 1: we wear them is so disgusting that like, if you
Speaker 1: found a secondhand robe at Goodwill, you'd be like, got
Speaker 1: this robe from Goodwill? You'd be disgusted. Or if you've
Speaker 1: got a mattress, a used mattress from goodwill, Yet we
Speaker 1: sleep unused mattresses, use used robes, and we act like
Speaker 1: they're new or something. But Andrew's dick has been like
Speaker 1: all inside those wiping around. Yeah, but I'm not using Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I have a hotel condom from the last guy on,
Speaker 1: so it doesn't touch the robe, you know, me for
Speaker 1: this interview. Um yeah, that's a good point. Um no, no,
Speaker 1: I get that, I get that. But the things that
Speaker 1: goodwill are just sitting there at least there. You know
Speaker 1: that it's probably clean that day, you know. I mean no,
Speaker 1: but even if someone said this mattress is used, and
Speaker 1: the people before it were like, you know, the one
Speaker 1: owner use it, buying a used mattress, Like people don't
Speaker 1: do that, but we are, like we celebrated in the
Speaker 1: hotel room. And Gavigan has a great bit about the
Speaker 1: hotels where like the level of disbelief that we live
Speaker 1: in to enjoy all the things that thousands of people
Speaker 1: before you have used and their genitals on. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's truly disgusting. I can't believe that some of the
Speaker 1: discussing things I've done or accidentally done in hotel rooms,
Speaker 1: knowing that, like I am not that gross of a
Speaker 1: person if I've done them, Like what could what are
Speaker 1: what are people capable of? I mean, really, you've you've
Speaker 1: you've got you've had to have had some really gross
Speaker 1: things happened in a hotel room. Yeah, I've done some
Speaker 1: gross things. I've been lazy about certain clean up situation.
Speaker 1: Ship your pants last week. I feel like you probably
Speaker 1: have gotten shipped somewhere in a hotel room. Before that
Speaker 1: was the toilet. I'm gonna plead the fifth, all those fifth,
Speaker 1: all right, we gotta go, I gotta do an interview.
Speaker 1: We'll be back tomorrow with more show. Thank you guys
Speaker 1: for putting up with my mood. Today I'll be in
Speaker 1: a better mood. And next time, uh, you know, it
Speaker 1: comes and goes, but don't be cut out there and
Speaker 1: Jack Globe Jackhammer four