1 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:03,600 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:08,399 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:15,360 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: Last time on Crumbs, the universe had a funny sense 5 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 1: of humor. My crush, George, broke my heart at ninety 6 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: days into sobriety. I wanted to run, but I found 7 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,120 Speaker 1: my way through the pain. I was going to show 8 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: him that I could be the best at sobriety, and 9 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,440 Speaker 1: so I started to work at it. I volunteered to 10 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:43,480 Speaker 1: help at every meeting. I spent a lot of time 11 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 1: with the fellowship. I committed really hard to step work 12 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 1: and unpacking my shit, and in the process I started 13 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: to really fall in love with the program. I wasn't 14 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,560 Speaker 1: just doing it to prove my worth to someone that's 15 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,960 Speaker 1: not the state. I started to really do it for myself. 16 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:07,280 Speaker 1: I was deep in it, and now it was time 17 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: to start looking at the most painful moments in my past, 18 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:14,280 Speaker 1: the people I love the most and hurt the most 19 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:20,640 Speaker 1: along the way. I'm Emmy and this is Crumbs, and 20 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 1: to show about the things we settle for and the 21 00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:27,319 Speaker 1: bits of ourselves that make us who we are this 22 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: season my sobriety journey in twelve steps, Step eight Love. 23 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:47,160 Speaker 1: It's time for the hardest part, taking account for all 24 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: the hurt I cost to the people I love. From 25 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:57,000 Speaker 1: very early on, I was taught that if I wanted 26 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: to have self esteem, I had to do seemable acts. 27 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 1: An important place to start to do this is inside 28 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 1: the tofset meeting. Think about it, You're in a room 29 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:11,840 Speaker 1: full of people. You're not going to mesh with everyone. 30 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: That's just not reality. But being loving towards them, having 31 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:22,360 Speaker 1: compassion for them goes a long way, and that's in 32 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:23,639 Speaker 1: a seemable act. 33 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:24,720 Speaker 2: Trust me. 34 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,360 Speaker 1: There were some people that I did not like in 35 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,960 Speaker 1: the meetings, But did I have to act like an 36 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: asshole towards them? No, you show them the same compassion 37 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:40,600 Speaker 1: that you would show a sick person. I started by 38 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,720 Speaker 1: kind of tricking myself into it, fake it till you 39 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: make it, not just in the program, but in other 40 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: areas of my life. Something as little as holding the 41 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,280 Speaker 1: door for someone, buying groceries for someone who is sick, 42 00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:01,000 Speaker 1: watering my neighbor's plans, doing things for others people actually 43 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,760 Speaker 1: made me feel like I was a worthy person, and 44 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,360 Speaker 1: in doing so and doing the work, I started to 45 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:14,519 Speaker 1: feel better about myself. It makes a difference knowing that 46 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,640 Speaker 1: you can make an impact and someone say even with 47 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:20,919 Speaker 1: a small gesture, you make a positive contribution to the world, 48 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: and also practicing feeling compassion for other people who have flaws. 49 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 1: You build that muscle and you can extend the same 50 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: compassion for yourself. I'm at this step in my recovery 51 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,160 Speaker 1: where I need to start looking at the hard things, 52 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:44,280 Speaker 1: the stuff I pushed down before. You know there's a 53 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,200 Speaker 1: reason why the steps are in order. Up until this point. 54 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: I'm working on setting up my life to be stable enough, 55 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 1: strong enough, consistent enough to be able to tackle this 56 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 1: very don step inventory starting to relive really horrible stuff. 57 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: In my first sobriety, I wasn't willing to open up 58 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: that closet door where the boogeyman was. That was different 59 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: this time, because I got a taste of what freedom 60 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,360 Speaker 1: feels like when you're working on yourself that I wanted 61 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 1: more of it. I felt supported, and I know that 62 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: my friends had something to do with that, because I 63 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:40,719 Speaker 1: saw that they were doing those things. They led by example, 64 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: and they had happy lives that gave me hope. That 65 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:52,159 Speaker 1: showed me that no matter what the situation is, how 66 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: horrible it might have been, I could get through on 67 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:57,720 Speaker 1: the other side, and. 68 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 2: That I would not be alone in that process. 69 00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:07,400 Speaker 1: I knew that if I didn't have the willingness to 70 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: open up that closet door, I would drink again. I 71 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 1: needed to confront my demons, confront my demons to better 72 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 1: understand them and the total they had taken in my life, 73 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: even if it was unconscious. If I could understand my demons, 74 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 1: I could better understand myself. It sounds so abstracting, emotional right, 75 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,800 Speaker 1: confront my demons, So how do you actually do that? 76 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:40,640 Speaker 2: Well? 77 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,480 Speaker 1: In a twelve step program, they make it sort of methodical. 78 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 1: We make a lot of lists. In this episode, I'm 79 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: going to kind of combine these steps to talk about 80 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 1: how we confront our past. I use the word resamful 81 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 1: a lot. Resentment people in the program use this term 82 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,159 Speaker 1: a lot. I guess most people would just use the 83 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 1: word angry. So it involves figuring out basically who you're 84 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:15,560 Speaker 1: angry at, figuring out why you're angry at them, actually 85 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: figuring out where you were at fault, and then you 86 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,719 Speaker 1: talk about these things with someone you trust, usually a sponsor. 87 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 1: From here, you make a list of your shortcomings. You 88 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 1: ask your higher power to remove them. 89 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 2: Then you make a. 90 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,920 Speaker 1: List of people or events that you've harmed along the way. 91 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: All of this in preparation to have really difficult conversations 92 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:48,760 Speaker 1: with people that you've hurt and actually take accountability. So 93 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,120 Speaker 1: who am I angry at? Somebody who bullied me in 94 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: high school, someone who kept me out of their life, 95 00:06:56,279 --> 00:07:00,800 Speaker 1: my mom for not being there, San Diego, the whole city, 96 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: the psych word, the phone company. So now you have 97 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 1: this list of stuff that you're angry at. Sometimes there's 98 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 1: an incident that caused all these feelings, a big event 99 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: where shit went down. Other times it's just the relationship 100 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: that became really hard over time. If it was a 101 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:25,360 Speaker 1: big event, what part did I play? Sometimes you don't 102 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 1: have a part. For example, sexual abuse, I learned that 103 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 1: I did not have a part in that, but other 104 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: things I did play a part in. Then you get 105 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 1: to a part where you tell someone everything that you 106 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:48,200 Speaker 1: have written down, whether it's your sponsor, a priest, a friend, 107 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 1: someone you trust, it could be a therapist. And after 108 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,400 Speaker 1: that you kind of just reflect on everything that you 109 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:01,760 Speaker 1: just uncovered about yourself, because sometimes we have to spell 110 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,000 Speaker 1: it out to be able to extract what that character 111 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: defect was all along. It's not always obvious, and so 112 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:15,960 Speaker 1: then you sit down in meditation with God and reflect 113 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 1: on what you just went through and ask God to 114 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:24,920 Speaker 1: remove that character defect or that survival mechanism that no 115 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:29,360 Speaker 1: longer serves you. I've done quite a few inventories in 116 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: my sobriety. It sounds formulaic, right, a way to turn 117 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: these dark, highly emotional memories, regrets, painful experiences into a list, 118 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 1: and turn that list into another list. But I found 119 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: in doing this that it's helpful to put these emotional 120 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:50,440 Speaker 1: memories into words. It sort of takes some of the power. 121 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,440 Speaker 2: Away and helps me understand what I can do about 122 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:53,880 Speaker 2: the pain. 123 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,199 Speaker 1: My mom always comes up in my inventory. My first time. 124 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: I was resentful at her for not being emotionally available. 125 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:13,679 Speaker 1: I was resentful at her because if only she had 126 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: been there, maybe this, that, and this wouldn't have happened 127 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:23,800 Speaker 1: to me. I was resentful to her for leaving. I 128 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,080 Speaker 1: was resentful at her for using and for leaving her 129 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:32,520 Speaker 1: kids with me. I was resentful at her for distancing 130 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:36,320 Speaker 1: herself from me for not answering my calls or my 131 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: text messages. 132 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 2: I felt ignored. 133 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:45,080 Speaker 1: This affected me in different areas of my life, my 134 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 1: self esteem, my pocketbook, my sex life. Because I got 135 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 1: molested along the way, I didn't feel worthy enough to 136 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: be loved. And that's where my character defects kind of 137 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:07,520 Speaker 1: popped up my flaws. I had an expectation that a 138 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: fourteen year old girl should. 139 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:11,760 Speaker 2: Act like a mother. 140 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:18,280 Speaker 1: I failed to see her as in her disease, like 141 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 1: a sick person that she was. I judged her instead 142 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: of having compassion for her, like I would have compassion 143 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:32,680 Speaker 1: for someone with cancer. Practicing feeling compassion for her is 144 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 1: important in my recovery because again and again I have 145 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:41,960 Speaker 1: to kind of let go the pain of my childhood 146 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: could be overwhelming, but trying to feel that compassion for 147 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 1: her lessens the pain a little bit. 148 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:51,559 Speaker 2: And recovery. 149 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: Resentment is a number one offender, the angrier I become 150 00:10:57,559 --> 00:11:00,400 Speaker 1: and not work through it, the closer I am to 151 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:06,360 Speaker 1: a drink. So love and tolerance feeling compassion is like 152 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:11,320 Speaker 1: the antidote. My mom hurt me a lot, but she 153 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 1: was just a person with flaws. And then we get 154 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 1: to making a list of the people that we've hurt 155 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 1: the most one person who came up for me Cynthia. 156 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:36,760 Speaker 2: My friend. 157 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: Cynthia and I had a very special bond. I saw 158 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 1: her kind of like a maternal figure for me. She 159 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:49,080 Speaker 1: filled that void. We worked at the phone company together, 160 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:55,760 Speaker 1: and our children, my sister Andrea and her son went 161 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 1: to the same school and were in the same grade. 162 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:04,760 Speaker 1: They were friends. Cynthia helped us out so much. Cynthia 163 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:09,559 Speaker 1: is a very generous, very loving person. She is one 164 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 1: of the kindest souls that I've ever met. So naturally 165 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,600 Speaker 1: she always helped us out, whether it be lending me 166 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:22,600 Speaker 1: money or letting me stay with her when I didn't 167 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: have a place to stay, or taking care of the girls, 168 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: or feeding me. Synthia knew everything about me. She knew 169 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,719 Speaker 1: where I came from, she knew my family history, she 170 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:40,080 Speaker 1: knew what my childhood was like. And she loved me, 171 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 1: and she loved my sisters. But at this point we 172 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,360 Speaker 1: weren't speaking. It's almost like I took her for granted 173 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,320 Speaker 1: that she would always take my calls or always be 174 00:12:55,400 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: there for me, And then putting this on paper made 175 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: me really see what I had done to her. One 176 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,600 Speaker 1: of the incidents that I wrote down was October twenty 177 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: eighth of two thousand and five. Cynthia's birthday is on 178 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: October twenty ninth, but she was going to celebrate it 179 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,760 Speaker 1: that Friday evening at a hotel close to our work. 180 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,360 Speaker 1: There was going to be an event at this hotel 181 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:32,080 Speaker 1: that night with salsa dancers and salsa lessons, so she 182 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 1: wanted to make it part of her birthday festivities. She 183 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:40,559 Speaker 1: invited a small group of friends from work, mostly management 184 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 1: and a few of US sales and service reps. I 185 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:52,480 Speaker 1: was wearing this polyester blend collared shirt, long sleeve. It 186 00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:57,560 Speaker 1: was white, but it had really thick pink lines, vertical lines. 187 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 1: As wearing gene and these brown dress shoes. So we 188 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,079 Speaker 1: get to the hotel. The parties in the little banquet hall. 189 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:17,720 Speaker 1: They've turned it into a club. There's salsa dancers in 190 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: their outfits. People are chit chatting and smiling and laughing 191 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:28,840 Speaker 1: and cheering and having their drinks delivered. We're doing happy hour. 192 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:35,960 Speaker 1: There's appetizers. I remember buying a few drinks talking to 193 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:41,280 Speaker 1: my co workers. Everyone's in a very festive mood. Cynthia 194 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: is so happy. She's got her makeup on, she's got 195 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 1: her hair done, she's smiling, all dressed up and happy, 196 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: and then I black out. I come to and I 197 00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 1: am sitting on the floor next to a bunch of 198 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: guys in a drunk tank. My head is pounding. I'm confused. 199 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,080 Speaker 1: I don't know why I'm in jail. When you get 200 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,320 Speaker 1: to jail, they take your mugshot and they give you 201 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: a wristband put your picture on it. I looked down 202 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 1: at my wristband. That's my picture, but that's not my 203 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: name or my birthday. I must have given them fake ones. 204 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:34,080 Speaker 1: I'm looking around and to the corner there was this 205 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: guy in a clown costume and the police were spraying 206 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,800 Speaker 1: him down, washing that clown off of him. 207 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,120 Speaker 2: Fucking weird. 208 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,800 Speaker 1: Then I kind of remember that it was Halloween weekend, 209 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 1: and it made everything so much more surreal. Then someone 210 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: came and just started throwing these dishes at us. It 211 00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:00,920 Speaker 1: was food, they were packed sandwiches. I was in trouble. 212 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: I started crying because this time seems different than the 213 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 1: other arrest. 214 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 2: I heard that I was going to get booked. 215 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: But it wasn't my first time in a drunk tank, 216 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,480 Speaker 1: but it was my first time being booked, which means 217 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:26,960 Speaker 1: that they transfer you to a jail. I'm scared. I 218 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:31,640 Speaker 1: know I fucked up. I want to die. I want 219 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,480 Speaker 1: to kill myself. So I grabbed the spork that was 220 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 1: given to me for my food and I stabbed my 221 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:44,080 Speaker 1: wrists with it and it punctures. It not very deep, 222 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 1: but it did, and I start bleeding, and the guy 223 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,400 Speaker 1: next to me says, so what the fuck. 224 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:50,720 Speaker 2: Are you doing? 225 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 1: Hide that shit right now. If you don't hide that, 226 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,720 Speaker 1: they're going to lock you up in the psych word. 227 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: And it's not good here. So he grabbed a napkin 228 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,000 Speaker 1: he cleaned off the blood and told me to cover it, 229 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:06,880 Speaker 1: and I did. 230 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:11,520 Speaker 2: So. 231 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: Then they call us to line up single file line. 232 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,960 Speaker 1: They take us into this room. They make a strip. 233 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: We're on a single file line naked. They do a 234 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: quick cavity search. I have to bend over, squat and cough. 235 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: Then they hand me a blanket and a blue jumpsuit 236 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:40,920 Speaker 1: some sandals. I have to change into this and turn 237 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,359 Speaker 1: in my personal clothing inside of a paper bag to 238 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 1: the storage unit. 239 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:53,119 Speaker 2: I'm transported into a pod and it's loud, it's bright. 240 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 2: I don't feel good. 241 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:01,520 Speaker 1: There's people running around, walking around sitting on tables. The 242 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:05,680 Speaker 1: cells seem full, so there's cots outside of the cells, 243 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 1: bunk beds, and they tell me which one my bunk is. 244 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:16,199 Speaker 1: I'm in a lower bunk. I make my bed and 245 00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:21,600 Speaker 1: I lay down, and I'm sad. I don't know what's happening. 246 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:32,080 Speaker 1: I don't know why I'm booked. I'm allowed to make 247 00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 1: a phone call, and I don't know who to call. 248 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,359 Speaker 1: I was supposed to be at work the next day 249 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,000 Speaker 1: on a Saturday, and I knew that my boss had 250 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,200 Speaker 1: gone out with the Cycinthia's birthday on a Friday night 251 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,719 Speaker 1: and that she also had to work on Saturday. So 252 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,399 Speaker 1: I call my office. 253 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 2: It's morning. 254 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 1: At this point, my boss answers. She was very nice. 255 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,400 Speaker 1: I think she felt sorry for me. The first thing 256 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,080 Speaker 1: she asked me was if I was okay. 257 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,120 Speaker 2: I wasn't. I was confused. I didn't know what had happened. 258 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:15,719 Speaker 1: I asked her what happened, and she said that I 259 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:20,720 Speaker 1: just lost control and got very aggressive, but she didn't 260 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,680 Speaker 1: go into detail. I don't think she had a privacy 261 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,119 Speaker 1: where she was at. Then I saw in my paperwork 262 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: that I was charged with the felony for vandalism and 263 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: I asked her, am I going to get fired? And 264 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: she said, we'll talk about that later. I knew what 265 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,119 Speaker 1: the policy was. I was probably going to get fired. 266 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,680 Speaker 1: I hung up the phone and I made another phone 267 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: call my grandma. 268 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 2: This wasn't her. 269 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,199 Speaker 1: First time hearing that I was in jail, so I 270 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 1: think she was just like, you're gonna have to tough 271 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:04,200 Speaker 1: it out there. I felt defeated. My face was scratched. 272 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: I had a bruise do it. I didn't know where 273 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,480 Speaker 1: had to come from, but I could see it in 274 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,600 Speaker 1: my mug shot. I tried to pass the time by 275 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:18,479 Speaker 1: talking to random people there. Some people were playing cards 276 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:22,360 Speaker 1: and I sat down next to them. In a weird way, 277 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 1: it kind of felt familiar. I wasn't scared of them 278 00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:30,960 Speaker 1: because they reminded me of my family, So I wasn't 279 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,119 Speaker 1: scared of that. I was just scared of not knowing 280 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:38,399 Speaker 1: how long I was going to be there. They brought 281 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:42,480 Speaker 1: some food. They were supposed to be Anchi ladas in 282 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:47,960 Speaker 1: these plastic trays. They were disgusting. I couldn't really eat them. 283 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,399 Speaker 1: So when nighttime came and I laid down to go 284 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: to sleep. As soon as I was dozing off, they 285 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:02,159 Speaker 1: called my name on the intercom. So I went to 286 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: see the guard and he said, pack your things up. 287 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 1: You made bail. Who had built me out? I don't know, 288 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 1: because it felt like everybody had given up on me, 289 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:16,760 Speaker 1: like they were done with me. 290 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,399 Speaker 2: They gave me my brown paper bag back. 291 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 1: I changed quickly, but I don't have a wallet, I 292 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 1: don't have anything on me. I asked the guard if 293 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,959 Speaker 1: I can make a phone call. They say no, and 294 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:39,680 Speaker 1: I'm released into the street. It's late in downtown San Diego. 295 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:45,960 Speaker 1: There's no one really on the street. I'm cold. I'm 296 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 1: wearing the basketball shorts and a T shirt. I asked 297 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:55,639 Speaker 1: someone for some change to make a phone call, and 298 00:21:55,680 --> 00:22:01,200 Speaker 1: I call my uncle. My uncle, one of my dad's brothers, 299 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 1: had bailed me out because he didn't want me to 300 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:10,000 Speaker 1: lose my job. I had to show up to court 301 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,479 Speaker 1: the following Monday. 302 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,080 Speaker 2: I had been charged with. 303 00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 1: Vandalism from that hotel. After the event, when we all 304 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 1: went upstairs to the room that the after party was at, 305 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:33,040 Speaker 1: I started banging on doors of the guests and breaking 306 00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:37,560 Speaker 1: the lamps on the walls of the hotel. So I'm 307 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:40,800 Speaker 1: being on the door of strangers hotel rooms and I 308 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: was smashing the wisconss on the walls. Apparently I had 309 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,879 Speaker 1: grabbed the lamp and smashed it against the walls, and 310 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:52,880 Speaker 1: that is when hotel security was called, who then called 311 00:22:52,880 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 1: the cops and I got arrested. I was charged with 312 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 1: a felony because of the amount that I had destroyed 313 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,760 Speaker 1: was over five hundred dollars, so that automatically made it 314 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:15,239 Speaker 1: a felony. And I thought, what is my life coming to. Now, 315 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:20,119 Speaker 1: I'm going to be a convicted felon. Great, just like 316 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:26,760 Speaker 1: my parents. I was so sad. So I'm waiting in 317 00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:30,520 Speaker 1: line to go up to the clerk inside of the courthouse, 318 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,320 Speaker 1: and when I give my papers to the clerk, she says, oh, 319 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:42,160 Speaker 1: it's your lucky day. The charges are being dropped. She said, 320 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 1: the hotel doesn't want to press charges anymore, so you're 321 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 1: just gonna have to pay a restitution fine and make 322 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:56,760 Speaker 1: arrangements with them to pay them back. So now I'm 323 00:23:56,760 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: thinking I need to call Cynthia. So I called Cynthia 324 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,760 Speaker 1: and she doesn't answer. I leave her a message. She 325 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,879 Speaker 1: doesn't call me back. I text her. 326 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:12,800 Speaker 2: No reply. 327 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: I fucked up. I had done something to Cynthia. It 328 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: was very apparent I went back to work on Monday, 329 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:30,000 Speaker 1: and Cynthia walked into work, and I remember she wouldn't 330 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: even look at me, and her face was puffy and 331 00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:36,560 Speaker 1: her eyes were red, and I could tell that she 332 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,840 Speaker 1: had been crying a lot, but she had this look 333 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 1: of she just didn't want to even look at me, 334 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:48,119 Speaker 1: and that hurt me. My boss ended up not reporting me, 335 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:52,159 Speaker 1: so I didn't lose my job. It was luck that 336 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 1: I didn't get charged with the felony or that I 337 00:24:54,320 --> 00:25:08,560 Speaker 1: didn't lose my job from this incident, but I lost Cynthia. 338 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,560 Speaker 1: I come into the rooms of recovery pretty broken, and 339 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:18,760 Speaker 1: I have to rebuild myself. Part of that is trying 340 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,840 Speaker 1: to figure out why these things happened to me, and 341 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:26,119 Speaker 1: I had to come to terms with my very serious flaws. 342 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,240 Speaker 2: I knew that I. 343 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,639 Speaker 1: Had fucked up tremendously with Cynthia. I didn't think she 344 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,760 Speaker 1: was going to hang on to that for so long. 345 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: I didn't know that it had triggered something in her. 346 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,119 Speaker 1: I knew that Cynthia was pissed at something that I did, 347 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,440 Speaker 1: but it almost felt like she was punishing me for 348 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:53,199 Speaker 1: my behavior by not talking to me. I thought she 349 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 1: was icing me out. On purpose, which gives me a 350 00:25:56,680 --> 00:26:01,760 Speaker 1: reason to be upset at her, resentful at her. My 351 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:07,040 Speaker 1: character flaw in this situation being resembled at Cynthia that 352 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:11,920 Speaker 1: she had been distanced is that I was selfish expectant 353 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 1: in the sense that I expected her. 354 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:14,960 Speaker 2: To get over it. 355 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,960 Speaker 1: I put it down on paper, and I knew that 356 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:23,959 Speaker 1: I should be held accountable. Seeing the big picture of 357 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: the situation, the severity of it, and my accountability really 358 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,960 Speaker 1: gave me the willingness to clean my side of the 359 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:49,600 Speaker 1: street up next time I make amends. Hey, listeners, there's 360 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,919 Speaker 1: a lot of difficult subjects that we cover in this show. 361 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,480 Speaker 1: If you are someone you know needs help, you can 362 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:59,120 Speaker 1: reach the Substance Abuse in Mental Health Services Hotline at 363 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:03,560 Speaker 1: twenty hundred sixty six Y two four to three five seven. 364 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:08,160 Speaker 1: They'll connect you with information and resources on treatment. There's 365 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,919 Speaker 1: also the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight hundred 366 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 1: two seven three TA l K. Both are available twenty 367 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 1: four to seven. You don't have to be in crisis 368 00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 1: to reach out either. They're available to anyone who needs help. 369 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,480 Speaker 1: You can also reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty 370 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,560 Speaker 1: four to seven at one eight hundred six five, six, four, 371 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:39,000 Speaker 1: six seven three. Crumbs is a Somoto production in partnership 372 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:43,560 Speaker 1: with Ihartzmikultura Network and Trojan Horse Media. It's produced by 373 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: Margaret Catcher and Padmei Raguna and edited by Rodrigo Grespo. 374 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 1: Original music by D. Peter Schmidt and engineering by manoel 375 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:58,480 Speaker 1: Barra Studio, Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio. Executive 376 00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 1: produced by Conor Burn and Sabe Says for iHeart, Alex Fumeto, 377 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:07,879 Speaker 1: Elizabeth Schutzo and Margaret catch up for Trojan Horse, Camilla Vitoriano, 378 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 1: Joshu Weinstein, per Sonoro and me emmiolea special thanks to 379 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:20,680 Speaker 1: Marina Cornella. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 380 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,160 Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.