Speaker 1: This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care
Speaker 1: while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing
Speaker 1: domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the
Speaker 1: show notes.
Speaker 2: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 2: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 2: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 2: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 2: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to
Speaker 2: talk about, look at, examine, and investigate, you on, nibble on,
Speaker 2: explore all kinds of reading relationships and the nuances of relationships,
Speaker 2: because whether it's a relationship with yourself, a relationship with
Speaker 2: someone else, it might be a relationship with food, a
Speaker 2: relationship with money, just relationships, anything that you interact with
Speaker 2: or commune with in life. There are things that go
Speaker 2: on and things that we need to know, and things
Speaker 2: that we need to learn, and things that we need
Speaker 2: to grow through. So we take a look at that
Speaker 2: here on the R Spot. And one of the more
Speaker 2: delicate challenges issues situation circumstances with relationships is when they end.
Speaker 2: When a relationship ends. Now, you can't end your relationship
Speaker 2: with yourself. However, you can end how you are being
Speaker 2: in relationship with yourself, how you are behaving, how you
Speaker 2: are thinking, how you are living, how you're treating yourself,
Speaker 2: or when you're in a relationship with someone else, how
Speaker 2: you are being, how you are living, how they are living,
Speaker 2: how they're treating you, how you're feeling. And when it's
Speaker 2: time to end a relationship, when it's time to shift
Speaker 2: into a new normal, you need what we call an
Speaker 2: exit strategy. How do you get out of this? How
Speaker 2: do you get into that? How do you make the shift,
Speaker 2: the change to put an end to what's going on
Speaker 2: so that you can have something new? What's your exit strategy?
Speaker 2: When you have a bad behavior in your own life,
Speaker 2: whether you're eating too much, shopping too much, too much sex,
Speaker 2: too many happy flowers, how do you end that? What's
Speaker 2: your exit strategy? Do you do it cold turkey? Do
Speaker 2: you run naked in the night, screaming with your hair
Speaker 2: on fire? How do you exit some aspect of a relationship?
Speaker 2: Or how do you exit a relationship and keep yourself safe?
Speaker 2: How do you do it in a way that honors
Speaker 2: you and respects the other person or the history or
Speaker 2: the experience. So that's what we are talking about today,
Speaker 2: and exit strategy. What is it, how do you create it,
Speaker 2: how do you enacted, when do you need it, and
Speaker 2: all of that other good stuff. So to expand this conversation,
Speaker 2: I've got two co hosts today, two co hosts who
Speaker 2: are going to talk to me about the necessity of
Speaker 2: an exit strategy, how to implement it, how do you
Speaker 2: create it, how do you walk it out? And then
Speaker 2: we have two guests who either need or have an
Speaker 2: exit strategy and want to make sure that they can
Speaker 2: enact it in a most powerful and productive way. So
Speaker 2: you're ready. Make sure you have your notebook and your
Speaker 2: pencil so that you can take down notes that may
Speaker 2: apply to you or somebody you know. Let me introduce
Speaker 2: my two My first co host is Sierra and she
Speaker 2: is a family therapist based in Atlanta. My second co
Speaker 2: host today is Isis and she is a blessed child
Speaker 2: of God. That's what a bio says. Okay, Sierra, welcome
Speaker 2: to the R Spot. How are you, my beloved good
Speaker 2: how are you? I am so Gwall So glad that
Speaker 2: you can be with me today as we discussed this
Speaker 2: important topic of an exit strategy. My second co host
Speaker 2: is Isis and she's joining us, I believe from Chicago.
Speaker 2: Isis welcome to the R spot.
Speaker 3: Are you there, I'm here, Thank you.
Speaker 2: Good afternoon, Good afternoon, so Isis. We're just beginning to
Speaker 2: look at this whole notion of an exit strategy, whether
Speaker 2: you're leaving a relationship, whether you're ending a behavior, whether
Speaker 2: you're leaving a town or situation, and exit strategy. When
Speaker 2: you hear that, what does that mean to you?
Speaker 3: It means many things to me in regards to a relationship,
Speaker 3: even with family or even with a bad habit. It
Speaker 3: means a lot to me just being organized and you know,
Speaker 3: knowing the execution plan so then you will have true
Speaker 3: freedom from whatever it is.
Speaker 2: Okay, Sierra, as the professional therapist working with couples and families,
Speaker 2: how would you define an exit strategy?
Speaker 4: Yes, I want to find an exit strategy as something
Speaker 4: you first thought through. You want to first do your
Speaker 4: self evaluation just to make sure there's no self improvement
Speaker 4: things that you got to do, and then the exit
Speaker 4: strategy with a pen of course, on what the situation is.
Speaker 4: If it's a relationship, you want to make sure that
Speaker 4: you have talked through any type of issues. You want
Speaker 4: to make sure that you are talking about anything that
Speaker 4: came up that involved trust, or if there is something
Speaker 4: regarding different goals in life, you want to just kind
Speaker 4: of store through all those things first before you can
Speaker 4: determine what exactly the exit strategy will be. And some
Speaker 4: excess strategies can simply mean a separation. It can mean
Speaker 4: completely leaving out of your common environment. It can mean
Speaker 4: taking some time to just do that self work. So
Speaker 4: it just depends.
Speaker 2: I sis, why do you think people need an exit strategy?
Speaker 3: I believe people need an excess strategy to be organized,
Speaker 3: to make sure they're checking all of the boxes, having
Speaker 3: a punch list at the end. That's why they should
Speaker 3: have an excess strategy to be organized, to be calm, collective,
Speaker 3: and to execute properly for themselves. That's why it's important.
Speaker 3: It's essential.
Speaker 2: I love when we have these topics, and I can
Speaker 2: use myself as an example. So when I left an
Speaker 2: abusive marriage, I was sleep and literally was awakened out
Speaker 2: of my sleep to hear leave here, leave here now.
Speaker 2: If you don't, he's gonna kill you. Well, I hadn't
Speaker 2: been planning to leave, so I had no money, nowhere
Speaker 2: to go, three kids, and he sleep on the other
Speaker 2: side of the bed. So I had to in that
Speaker 2: moment create the exis strategy. And the only thing I
Speaker 2: knew was take very little. I needed clothes for the kids.
Speaker 2: That's what I took. A couple of changes of clothes
Speaker 2: in some bags, dressed them, got them up, and left.
Speaker 2: If I had it to do all over again, of
Speaker 2: course I would have had a better exit strategy. So
Speaker 2: ci ra, tell me why we need an exit strategy
Speaker 2: and when do you create it? I want to hear
Speaker 2: from you, and then I'm going to ask, isis the
Speaker 2: same thing? Why do we need one? And when should
Speaker 2: you create an exit strategy because you don't want to
Speaker 2: be in a relationship planning to leave.
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, that's a great question. Yes, So first we
Speaker 4: all need an extras strategy because no matter how much
Speaker 4: you may love someone and how much history and share
Speaker 4: experiences you have with someone else, you always want to
Speaker 4: make sure that you're being safe. Of course, but like
Speaker 4: example you gave earlier, you know when safety is involved
Speaker 4: and things like that where it's not a healthy and
Speaker 4: conducive relationship ship for yourself. When we know we have
Speaker 4: to have an excess strategy. Of course, you don't want
Speaker 4: to go in with a negative mindset. You always want
Speaker 4: to be positive. But that's the why there Now setting
Speaker 4: up the access strategy, you know, you want to look
Speaker 4: at a couple of different things. You First, like I
Speaker 4: said earlier, that self improvement check you on, make sure
Speaker 4: you've checked off everything on your part, because you're not
Speaker 4: the only one in a relationship. The second thing is
Speaker 4: you want to make sure that you're talking through any
Speaker 4: issues that has kind of came arise, if the goals
Speaker 4: are not aligning. If there is, of course that safety component,
Speaker 4: you want to make sure you're taking that and putting
Speaker 4: that first. Any type of emotional, physical, or intimacy connection
Speaker 4: that you don't feel like your partner is trying to
Speaker 4: do with you and you've tried so many things to
Speaker 4: do and it's just not working, you want to have
Speaker 4: that excess strategy there and talk about it.
Speaker 2: So isis in my case, I just had to pick
Speaker 2: up and leave. It was an instruction from spirit, and
Speaker 2: I had lived nine years in this abusive situation and
Speaker 2: it was very clear, leave and leave now. If you don't,
Speaker 2: he's going to kill you. So what happens when you
Speaker 2: don't have a strategy and you do have to pick
Speaker 2: up and leave, how do you manage that?
Speaker 3: So in my case, that's what exactly happened. So I
Speaker 3: actually created two exiting plans. One was more my immediate
Speaker 3: The situation was it was in the morning, my son
Speaker 3: was at school and my ex husband had choked me
Speaker 3: while I was working from home. So it was a Friday,
Speaker 3: so of course I had to wait until my son
Speaker 3: got home from school because he's disabled, and so I
Speaker 3: had to wait for him for the bus to bring
Speaker 3: him home, and I just passed the car and my
Speaker 3: immediate plan was to go home to Chicago, because we
Speaker 3: were living in Saint Louis at the time. So I
Speaker 3: drove home and we stayed in a hotel for the weekend.
Speaker 3: I reached out to my job and asked, because I
Speaker 3: oversee warehouses all throughout the country, I have a warehouse
Speaker 3: in Chicago that I was overseeing. So I just got
Speaker 3: the okay from my manager so I could work from
Speaker 3: Chicago for the following week. I did send my son
Speaker 3: back so he could continue with his routine to go
Speaker 3: into school. I met my ex husband on that Sunday,
Speaker 3: but from there I then created another exit plan so
Speaker 3: for we could get out of the home within the
Speaker 3: next few weeks. It took September, it is when he
Speaker 3: took me September fifteenth, but I was able to leave
Speaker 3: on November tenth. I drove a U haul and pulled
Speaker 3: my car, took the dog and my son, and we
Speaker 3: moved back to Chicago. We've been here, so it sounds
Speaker 3: since that. So I didn't have the opportunity to have it,
Speaker 3: you know, think it out like you were saying, But
Speaker 3: so I had. I was able to create one for
Speaker 3: immediate hurry up and get out, but then also think
Speaker 3: it over, calmly and rationally to make sure that it
Speaker 3: would be a good plan that will be safe and
Speaker 3: secure for me and my son.
Speaker 2: Mm hmm, Sierra, what happens as a therapist? Tell me
Speaker 2: what happens when you don't have the opportunity to communicate
Speaker 2: or the person or the person the people you're dealing
Speaker 2: with aren't willing to communicate. What do you do? Then?
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, so exactly what I used to said. So
Speaker 4: I definitely commend youis for being able to get out
Speaker 4: of the situation as quickly as possible and I'm very safe.
Speaker 4: We would then determined like a safety plan, So like
Speaker 4: I just describe, it would be an immediate crisis safety
Speaker 4: plan that you would do where you would have like
Speaker 4: emergency contacts, safe spaces to go if you have children,
Speaker 4: just informing them of not what to say, what not
Speaker 4: to say when you're doing your exit, as well as
Speaker 4: a long term plan of if someone asks about this,
Speaker 4: you know what's your response, what to tell family because
Speaker 4: usually in these domestic violence situations, if you've been with
Speaker 4: your partner long enough, they kind of know your support system,
Speaker 4: So informing your support sys some once you're in a
Speaker 4: safe place of these are the following things that I
Speaker 4: would like you to let them know if that person
Speaker 4: reach out to you, just to maintain safety and confidentiality
Speaker 4: of where you're whereabouts are.
Speaker 2: So what I'm hearing, then if you have to leave immediately,
Speaker 2: Number one, leave to keep yourself safe. If I lookt
Speaker 2: into what isis shared, ask for help and ask for
Speaker 2: what you need and then SIRA, what you're adding on
Speaker 2: is educate the children and your support system just so
Speaker 2: that people know what's going on and they can come
Speaker 2: to your aide. Is that accurate?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 4: Absolutely?
Speaker 2: Is that? Yeah? That sounds it? Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay,
Speaker 2: how again, because we don't want to be in a
Speaker 2: relationship planning to leave, So are there things that we
Speaker 2: can do along the way? I know my father taught me,
Speaker 2: he said, it's a poor rat that only has one hole.
Speaker 2: So do we plan along the way? Like if something happens,
Speaker 2: I can go here, I can go there. And what
Speaker 2: happens if you don't have that? What happens if you
Speaker 2: really because there are people who either don't or believe
Speaker 2: they don't have a place to go, and that's why
Speaker 2: they stay. So are there things we should do just
Speaker 2: in the course of our living to prepare there ourselves
Speaker 2: should we have to go somewhere? And what would those things.
Speaker 3: Be for me? I would say work on yourself, because
Speaker 3: of course you don't want to be, especially if it's
Speaker 3: in a relationship, in a marriage or whatever, already having
Speaker 3: a plan B on the back of your on the
Speaker 3: back of the stove. But working on yourself is always
Speaker 3: the best thing to do. During my marriage of fifteen years,
Speaker 3: I was able to finish college. I opened a business.
Speaker 3: I moved back to Chicago. I ended up having a
Speaker 3: very successful relation, I mean a professional career and supply chain.
Speaker 3: So that's what helped me. By the time I left him,
Speaker 3: I didn't even realize it. I had been making more
Speaker 3: than him for the past three years. He reminded me
Speaker 3: of that. But because I continue to work on myself,
Speaker 3: even in that terrible relationship, I was able to come
Speaker 3: out on my own without him. So to me, working
Speaker 3: on yourself on.
Speaker 2: One of the things my grandmother taught me. She said that,
Speaker 2: and she's old school, Okay, she said, as a woman,
Speaker 2: you always have to have a few little pennies tucked
Speaker 2: away that nobody else knows about. See er, do you
Speaker 2: think that that's a good strategy. Did just have a
Speaker 2: few little pennies stuck to weigh somewhere?
Speaker 4: Yes, miss Alla, Yes, yes, I would say. Always make sure,
Speaker 4: like we were talking about earlier, having that that yourself together,
Speaker 4: making sure you have assets if you need to have that,
Speaker 4: stay in the town.
Speaker 3: And you do.
Speaker 4: Never want to just be completely dependent on your partner.
Speaker 4: You want to be what we call entered dependent, where
Speaker 4: you both kind of relying on each other. It's not
Speaker 4: one versus the other, because if something happens, you have
Speaker 4: to have that safety net. So my dad, he's Africa, Nigeria,
Speaker 4: so he's always preaching for me be independent. I'm like,
Speaker 4: I got a whole husband, but I hear him. But
Speaker 4: he taught me make sure you always have your own
Speaker 4: So even to this day, I live in a house
Speaker 4: with my husband, but I have my own house that
Speaker 4: I had when I was graduated from college that I
Speaker 4: have a tenant, and just you know, you just want
Speaker 4: to always be safe. You always want to have yourself
Speaker 4: at order. You are able to be self sufficient, just
Speaker 4: in case if you have to completely be out on
Speaker 4: your own.
Speaker 2: I tell women all the time, you cannot call yourself
Speaker 2: a woman and be totally dependent on anybody else to
Speaker 2: take care of you. I don't care if you got
Speaker 2: to sell cookies in the day, or sol socks or
Speaker 2: iron pillow cases and cheats. You gotta have a few
Speaker 2: little pennies tucked away, which also, you know, can raise
Speaker 2: challenges when you're in a relationship with shared money. You
Speaker 2: don't want to be keeping secrets. So I let him
Speaker 2: know I had my own money, but of course I
Speaker 2: had spent it by the time. By the time I
Speaker 2: had to leave now now here, here's a question. Here's
Speaker 2: a question. What happens if you're exiting not from a
Speaker 2: romantic relationship, but from a dysfunctional entanglement with family members
Speaker 2: or could be a sister or mother, father, And how
Speaker 2: do you then exit that? If we define exit strategy
Speaker 2: as a contingency plan that you activate once you decide
Speaker 2: to leave, how do you leave family members? That is
Speaker 2: a big thing in the world.
Speaker 4: Okay, I would like to jump in and speak on that.
Speaker 4: This is feara So I get this question a lot.
Speaker 4: I actually just had a session about this yesterday. But
Speaker 4: we never completely leave our family because our families are
Speaker 4: going to be connected with us through blood. It's just
Speaker 4: what it is. However, what we do label as an
Speaker 4: exit is simply set in those boundaries. So I get
Speaker 4: this a lot. This is my family, but we have
Speaker 4: a lot of trauma and our family or we have
Speaker 4: a lot of top sick behavior and things like that,
Speaker 4: And you can't never completely just get rid of your family,
Speaker 4: But you can't set those boundaries of what you're not
Speaker 4: going to tolerate. Rather, if it's certain things being discussed,
Speaker 4: or if you're not always at every single event, you're
Speaker 4: gonna have to have those boundaries and places, and that's
Speaker 4: incentuating that exit plan of I can't completely just be
Speaker 4: done with you as a family just it just also
Speaker 4: depends on what kind of happened. If it's like a
Speaker 4: fuse and safety issues, definitely you have to do what
Speaker 4: you have to do for your best interest. But it's
Speaker 4: just other things that you could maybe talk through through
Speaker 4: the setting boundaries. That's totally fine, That's totally okay as
Speaker 4: far as the exit goes.
Speaker 2: So what do you think, Sarah? I mean, what do
Speaker 2: you think? Ice?
Speaker 3: So my perspective on this, I have dealt with with
Speaker 3: this all my life. I'm the youngest of four girls,
Speaker 3: and my older three sisters never like me. True story,
Speaker 3: and so once I was able to really identify it
Speaker 3: and understand it better, I've seen therapists about it. The
Speaker 3: best advice I received back from my great aunt was
Speaker 3: you only have to respect your mother once she's gone.
Speaker 3: You don't have to deal with them. I learned the
Speaker 3: hard way by continue to keep going back. But now
Speaker 3: that I'm forty eight, I know that the best thing
Speaker 3: to do is to totally step away, be quiet. You
Speaker 3: don't have to disrespect them by spreading rumors. But you
Speaker 3: need to be truthful. If any of the other family
Speaker 3: members asked, but I just step away and be silent.
Speaker 3: I have them block because your communication is really not welcome.
Speaker 3: If it is truly necessary, you could email me. But
Speaker 3: and this is all because I have decided to put
Speaker 3: myself first. Prior to that, I would stick around and
Speaker 3: put up with a lot of abuse out of respect
Speaker 3: for my mother because she wanted her children together. But
Speaker 3: now she has gone, I have to really love myself
Speaker 3: more by putting myself first and excommunicating with them. So
Speaker 3: I have chosen to say if there is a funeral
Speaker 3: or if there's a wedding, I may not go because
Speaker 3: I do not want to be bothered with them. So
Speaker 3: most likely that will happen. I will just lose out
Speaker 3: on family reunions and whatever else because I don't want
Speaker 3: to deal with them as well as I'm uncomfortable when
Speaker 3: family members ask me about what's going on. And I've
Speaker 3: been living dealing with them for forty eight years, you know,
Speaker 3: so that's why I am with it.
Speaker 4: All.
Speaker 2: Right. Listen, an extra strategy, a contingency plan that you
Speaker 2: activate should leaving for whatever reason, safety or unhappiness or
Speaker 2: unfulfillment becomes necessary. And the first step is to make
Speaker 2: sure that you have some things in place, whether it's money,
Speaker 2: a place to go, or support system. I say, particularly
Speaker 2: for women, every woman needs a posse. I'm sure it's
Speaker 2: quite different for men, because men it would be harder
Speaker 2: for them to call somebody and say, hey, can I
Speaker 2: come sleep on your couch? You know, and that's if
Speaker 2: we are leaving a romantic relationship. We're leaving a family relationship.
Speaker 2: And I thank you for that, Sierra for saying, you know,
Speaker 2: you cannot throw your family out of your heart, because
Speaker 2: you cannot throw them out of your blood. But you
Speaker 2: do get to choose how you participate with them. That
Speaker 2: is key. You get to choose how you participate with
Speaker 2: your family. And as Sierra said, set clear boundaries isis
Speaker 2: you're sharing. Put yourself first, tell the truth of your experience,
Speaker 2: and choose your participation with your family members, even if
Speaker 2: it means you get to miss out on some family events.
Speaker 2: So those are some extra strategies. But we have a
Speaker 2: guest who's going to talk to us about her extra
Speaker 2: strategy or the need for an extra strategy, and We're
Speaker 2: going to do that right after this break. We'll be
Speaker 2: right back. Welcome back to the art Spot. I am Yamla.
Speaker 2: My co host today are Sierra from Atlanta and Isis
Speaker 2: from Chicago, and we're talking about an extra strategy. How
Speaker 2: do you get out of a romantic relationship or family relationship.
Speaker 2: We're going to talk in a little while about how
Speaker 2: you get out of behaviors that you have with yourself
Speaker 2: with nobody else is involved. But right now we're going
Speaker 2: to invite our first guest, Diane. Hi, Diane, Welcome to
Speaker 2: the r Spot. I've got two co hosts today, Sierra
Speaker 2: and Isis, and we're talking about an exit strategy. Now,
Speaker 2: do you have one or do you need one?
Speaker 5: I need one?
Speaker 2: Tell me why?
Speaker 5: Okay, Well, because I don't. I don't want to go
Speaker 5: into my next place the same way I occupy the
Speaker 5: space I was in currently in. I found that I
Speaker 5: realized I've been wearing masks, masks in order to stay
Speaker 5: in it, stay in a relationship relationship, this one in
Speaker 5: particular as a tenant homeowner relationship. But I've been wearing
Speaker 5: masks and recognize that. But I don't want to go
Speaker 5: into the next space wearing masks my exit plan. I
Speaker 5: stood stood up in my own, in my truth, and
Speaker 5: the exit found me versus me finding it. But am
Speaker 5: I no longer Yes, because I no longer I took
Speaker 5: off my mask and the home owned. I was helping
Speaker 5: her with some things around the house, even though I
Speaker 5: lived in the basement. But I didn't want to do
Speaker 5: that anymore. My mask was coming off. I didn't it
Speaker 5: was too costly for me, and so when I told
Speaker 5: her I I'll negotiate, unnegotiated, and then all of a
Speaker 5: sudden she wanted to move. After being a daughter, wanted
Speaker 5: her to move for three years. But when I say
Speaker 5: I don't want to do this anymore, she wanted to move.
Speaker 5: But I realized I've been doing that for a long time.
Speaker 5: Masking up.
Speaker 2: Okay, So what are you aware of the mask that
Speaker 2: you were wearing?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 2: Are you?
Speaker 5: And to share that, yes, I believe it. The mask
Speaker 5: is performative to keep my mother happy, keep her from
Speaker 5: not being mad at me, because she had the scowl,
Speaker 5: the scowl I don't want. I never wanted the scow
Speaker 5: because I meant disappointed, disappointment. So I learned how to
Speaker 5: be very performative I'm going to keep everybody.
Speaker 2: Happy aka people pleasing. Yes, so the homeowner is your mother?
Speaker 5: No, the homeowner is an older woman who I sold
Speaker 5: the tub to. I was doing sales and sold the
Speaker 5: walking tub to and she invited me to come live
Speaker 5: with that. I came, came back and visited her. She
Speaker 5: says she had a basement and and I came.
Speaker 2: You needed a place to live.
Speaker 5: Didn't need a place to live. It was convenience. I
Speaker 5: didn't need it as actually was staying with my mother.
Speaker 2: Okay, you moved, you moved it. You moved in with
Speaker 2: a client, a homeowner who was one of your clients,
Speaker 2: because it was convenient and you were living with your
Speaker 2: mother and that was inconvenient, right, yes? Okay. So did
Speaker 2: you have an exit strategy for leaving your mom's home
Speaker 2: or did you just pick up and go?
Speaker 5: I I just picked up and left.
Speaker 2: Okay, and you've been there now. But it sounds like
Speaker 2: you were repeating the pattern that you had with your
Speaker 2: mom with your homeowner. Would that be accurate?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 2: Okay, which was doing what would keep her happy so
Speaker 2: that you would have a place to live. Correct Sierra,
Speaker 2: what do you have to say about that?
Speaker 4: I'm sorry that you have went through that. That's definitely
Speaker 4: a different dynamics the homeowner the tenant, because it's still
Speaker 4: shows it's a type of relationship and we got to
Speaker 4: make sure that we're balancing everything. So you know, my
Speaker 4: thoughts on that, I have a couple of thoughts, But
Speaker 4: the main thing I want to kind of just hear
Speaker 4: more from you about is have you had additional conversations
Speaker 4: about how you're feeling.
Speaker 5: Yes, So I went to the table. I negotiated to Okay,
Speaker 5: I was doing a lot of things for her, but
Speaker 5: she was like, I had a mobility issue. So I
Speaker 5: was doing things out of the kindness of my heart,
Speaker 5: but also because of the mask I'm trying to please.
Speaker 5: And I came to the table and negotiated, I'll pay
Speaker 5: fifty dollars instead of four hundred dollars a month. And
Speaker 5: I did that for a month, and then that's when
Speaker 5: she went and looked for a place, found the place
Speaker 5: and said she she was moving. And prior to that,
Speaker 5: and prior to her saying she was moving, she asked
Speaker 5: me if I was moving with her, And I asked her,
Speaker 5: she did you want me to move with you? She
Speaker 5: said yes. But after I was charging her. She said
Speaker 5: she wanted to part ways. So I stood up in
Speaker 5: my truth. But she I think she had a relationship
Speaker 5: with the weakened me, the person who wasn't standing in
Speaker 5: their truth. So that's why she wanted me to leave
Speaker 5: because my mask was off. I don't want to do
Speaker 5: this anymore.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I'm so happy you just said that part,
Speaker 4: because that's the part that a lot of people struggle
Speaker 4: with when we are exercising our thirtiveness and people are
Speaker 4: used to taking advantage of the fact that we wasn't
Speaker 4: being so asserd of and being maybe passed, so we're
Speaker 4: not really speaking our truth. They get offended by that,
Speaker 4: and then they know that they are exposed. It's not
Speaker 4: you exposing yourself, it's their negative and poor behavior that's
Speaker 4: being exposed now. And now it's a sign of guilt
Speaker 4: that they may close off a relationship or they may
Speaker 4: emotionally shut down. Nothing that you did hear was wrong.
Speaker 4: I always have two rules that I tell everybody about.
Speaker 4: The two rules I live by is did I do
Speaker 4: anything unethical or did I do anything illegal? You didn't
Speaker 4: do anything ethical or illegal in this conversation that you had.
Speaker 4: She chose to show those type of patterns of behavior,
Speaker 4: not you.
Speaker 2: Okay, you know I think that you also, Diane. I
Speaker 2: also want to acknowledge you and thank you for sharing,
Speaker 2: because you really point out the reason that an exit
Speaker 2: strategy can be helpful. Number one, so that we don't
Speaker 2: repeat the same pattern. Perhaps, had you had an extra
Speaker 2: strategy for leaving your mom's house, where you had clear
Speaker 2: communication and you talked about your challenges, you would have
Speaker 2: seen that you were getting ready to walk right back
Speaker 2: into the same thing. You said you did it out
Speaker 2: of convenience, but not out of safe keeping well being,
Speaker 2: which is what isis talked about earlier, working on yourself.
Speaker 2: So when we have an excess strategy, when we do
Speaker 2: the communication, there's less of a chance for us to
Speaker 2: repeat the pattern that we were in that we're trying
Speaker 2: to get out of. The Other thing is so that
Speaker 2: we don't end up in a situation that we can't sustain.
Speaker 2: You call it wearing a mask and not standing in
Speaker 2: your truth. But as you grew and healed through this
Speaker 2: tenant homeowner situation, as you started growing and healing and seeing,
Speaker 2: because that's the only way you would have known you
Speaker 2: had a mask on, you recognize you couldn't sustain it,
Speaker 2: and so when you revealed that to her, she simply
Speaker 2: made another choice. Yes, she made another choice. Okay, I'm
Speaker 2: not going to do I'm not willing to do this
Speaker 2: for fifty dollars. Okay. So here's what I heard you say.
Speaker 2: You want to move into a new situation in a
Speaker 2: different mindset, way of being, frame of mind than you
Speaker 2: moved into this situation. So what needs to be different
Speaker 2: for you or what is different for you?
Speaker 5: What needs to be different for me? What is different
Speaker 5: for me is I'm looking at myself, not not anything external.
Speaker 5: My mother has passed away, so has since passed away
Speaker 5: since I've been here. So I recognize that I don't
Speaker 5: want I will be in relationships that are not similar
Speaker 5: that I want to be in relationships that are healthier,
Speaker 5: that are not I mean, there are just where I
Speaker 5: can be free to be Diane, the creative Diane. That's
Speaker 5: that's what That's who I am, and I want to
Speaker 5: be able to express that and be that and embrace
Speaker 5: it without repercussion.
Speaker 2: Okay, So you want to be an authentic relationships and
Speaker 2: help me understand how a tenant homeowner situation or tenant
Speaker 2: landlord whatever it's going to be situation. Why you wouldn't
Speaker 2: be authentic in.
Speaker 5: That because how it started. As a salesperson, I have
Speaker 5: to be I had to be performative one in terms
Speaker 5: of I had to sell the tub. So I was
Speaker 5: coming back because she had I thought she had referrals.
Speaker 5: So you know, we went to Goodwill, but I was
Speaker 5: getting it. I was getting referrals, That's what I was doing.
Speaker 5: But yeah, so she asked me to move in, and
Speaker 5: she thought that there's a relationship when it was a
Speaker 5: sales pitch. So there goes the mak and there goes
Speaker 5: to the jig, doing the jig until for four years.
Speaker 2: You know, okay, quid pro quote what you absolutely as
Speaker 2: opposed to what you what you desire, you were going
Speaker 2: for what you can get out of it.
Speaker 5: Yes, and she had a wink and a nod and
Speaker 5: a wing too. But I need somebody to put the
Speaker 5: trash out. I need somebody. If I dropped something, I
Speaker 5: can't pick it up that I need somebody to do that.
Speaker 5: So it was a wink and a nod on both or
Speaker 5: I'll just have to say on my side. I can
Speaker 5: say on my side, but I suspect on her side
Speaker 5: as well, but then it's just too costly for me. Now,
Speaker 5: I don't want to do this. You know. I my
Speaker 5: mother passed. I didn't have to. I didn't do it.
Speaker 5: I didn't no longer was I had to do it
Speaker 5: with her anymore, even though I could have not done
Speaker 5: it before she passed. But I didn't have to experience
Speaker 5: that anymore, and so I didn't want to experience in
Speaker 5: another relationships anymore.
Speaker 2: Here, I know Sierra has to go. Are you still
Speaker 2: with us? Sierra? Yeah, okay, okay, I know you have
Speaker 2: to go. So are there any final words you have
Speaker 2: for Diane before she before you take your leave?
Speaker 4: Yes? Thank you so much Diane for sharing this story.
Speaker 4: I know you know this is going to help a
Speaker 4: lot of people that are in this situation, believe or now,
Speaker 4: there's so many people that struggle with this same situation
Speaker 4: that you brought up. But I commend you for your strength,
Speaker 4: for your courage, and just for being your true self
Speaker 4: and being as assert up as possible to really communicate
Speaker 4: your needs and wants and try to talk.
Speaker 3: Through these difficult times.
Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank.
Speaker 2: You, thank you. Sierra. I know you have to run.
Speaker 2: We've got lots more to talk about and we're going
Speaker 2: to do that when we come back. Welcome back to
Speaker 2: the R spot. Today we are talking about an exit strategy.
Speaker 2: Isis I know that you're with us. Is there any
Speaker 2: support insight that you would like to offer Diane? Because
Speaker 2: she's she's getting ready to move? Have you moved yet? Diane?
Speaker 2: Are you getting ready to move?
Speaker 5: I'm getting ready to move. I did put a safety nay,
Speaker 5: I did a sixty day notice requirement in the lease.
Speaker 5: I wrote wrote that into the lease. Okay, get myself
Speaker 5: more time so she won't be She's leaving at the
Speaker 5: end of this month. I'm leaving at the end of
Speaker 5: next month. I have that safety not thing here by myself.
Speaker 3: Good good, Yeah, First band, are you going to be
Speaker 3: moving alone or you're moving in with someone else?
Speaker 5: I'm going to be moving alone. I'm actually moving to Vietnam,
Speaker 5: So I'm moving alone Vietnam.
Speaker 2: How you how'd you get to Vietnam?
Speaker 5: I live in Southeast Asia. I used to live in
Speaker 5: Southeast Asia, and I was going to get a job
Speaker 5: in Vietnam, but then COVID came. So I'm going to
Speaker 5: go go there now, you know after I leave here.
Speaker 2: Hold up, it's an opportuity. Wait a minute, hold on,
Speaker 2: we talk about it strategy. Maybe we need to talk
Speaker 2: about maybe we need to talk about an entrance strategy.
Speaker 2: You said you're going there and you're going to get
Speaker 2: a job, So you don't have a job in Vietnam, No.
Speaker 5: I am, I am my, No, I don't have a
Speaker 5: job in Vietnam, but it will be easy for me
Speaker 5: to to get one into stayed myself for a long
Speaker 5: time there. When I say a long time, I could
Speaker 5: stay myself for ten years in Vietnam, but I will
Speaker 5: get a job there.
Speaker 3: So have you envisioned yourself with this job and being
Speaker 3: successful in whatever that means for you in Vietnam?
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I've lived in Sweden, I've lived in Brunei,
Speaker 5: Southeast Asia. So I'm an emergency manager and planner. So
Speaker 5: I've been all around the world in nineteen countries. So
Speaker 5: that's one I chose, I did the research on, and
Speaker 5: I've been wanting.
Speaker 3: So the reason why I asked, did you envision yourself
Speaker 3: being successful there? Were having a job and a home
Speaker 3: and being happy because you were at your mom's house
Speaker 3: where it didn't seem like you had much goals for
Speaker 3: yourself to then transfer over to the roommate ten a
Speaker 3: situation to now this woman kind of you know, making
Speaker 3: a pivoting on you. Like that's what I just kept hearing,
Speaker 3: a pattern of you not really like setting goals for yourself,
Speaker 3: like where do you see your future? It's kind of
Speaker 3: like you don't have a plan for yourself, so an
Speaker 3: exiting plan can be difficult for you. So that's why
Speaker 3: I'm asking when you get to Vietnam, like do you
Speaker 3: have a plan? Because it seems from what I hear
Speaker 3: is a pattern of not really having a plan.
Speaker 5: Well, I'm an emergency manager, so I try I pick
Speaker 5: up and travel for different locations.
Speaker 3: When you go there, do you like, where do you
Speaker 3: see your future? Like what will what will be the
Speaker 3: rainbow at the end for you?
Speaker 5: Okay, it will be creating a sense of community. One,
Speaker 5: I will rent a place. I can teach teach English
Speaker 5: first so I can get to permit. Then I'll rent
Speaker 5: a place and I can do Airbnb on that level,
Speaker 5: and also do traveling English with those in who either
Speaker 5: from the school, getting referred from the school or to
Speaker 5: get backing on the school from the school for traveling
Speaker 5: English classes for the locals.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I think what I'm hearing here is that
Speaker 2: having an exit strategy is not the same thing as
Speaker 2: a need to escape, because when you are trying to escape,
Speaker 2: you will be reacting and you'll be running, and there's
Speaker 2: no need for planning in there. You don't have time
Speaker 2: for planning. You are trying to escape that may not
Speaker 2: turn out well for you. So understand that an exit
Speaker 2: strategy is not the same thing as a way to escape.
Speaker 2: You're not just exiting a tenant homeowner situation. You exit
Speaker 2: in a country. And the thing that I find interesting
Speaker 2: is that, yeah, as that you know, if you you
Speaker 2: sound like your expertise is in emergency management, which is
Speaker 2: about reacting to what shows up as opposed to planning
Speaker 2: it and standing in it. So I want to know
Speaker 2: when you get to Vietnam, when you fly over there,
Speaker 2: are you flying business or or or economy? How you
Speaker 2: fly it? I want to know how you getting out
Speaker 2: or what right? How you getting out of here? Did
Speaker 2: you get a business that just spring for a business ticket?
Speaker 5: I think I have enough points for business?
Speaker 2: So okay, all right, So you and then where you're
Speaker 2: gonna go the first night, where you're gonna be, where
Speaker 2: you're gonna sleep.
Speaker 5: I'm going to sleep in one of the Hilton hotels
Speaker 5: because I have enough points to stay in the hotel hotels.
Speaker 2: Don't you love a Hilton point? I do so love
Speaker 2: a Hilton Points. All right, So that's a plan. That's
Speaker 2: a plan. Use your points, use your points. But I
Speaker 2: think what isis is saying exit with a vision because
Speaker 2: you said I don't want to You know, I'm trying
Speaker 2: to move into a new situation different than the one
Speaker 2: I came out of. So you're going to Vietnam business class.
Speaker 2: That means that you're going at a higher level. So
Speaker 2: when you land on the ground in Vietnam, hold yourself
Speaker 2: to that level. Okay, you are a management manager, you
Speaker 2: are a business person. You know how to manage emergencies
Speaker 2: and react to needs. But now we want to live
Speaker 2: a vision. We want to walk it out, we want
Speaker 2: to plan it out. You sound like you have a plan.
Speaker 2: I can. I'm going to teach English to travelers. I'm
Speaker 2: going to work in the school. Do you know what
Speaker 2: you need to do to get your certification or whatever
Speaker 2: it is. So the bottom line is show up the
Speaker 2: way you want to be treated. You're not coming over
Speaker 2: there on the economy plan, you're coming over there on
Speaker 2: the business plan. That's a little higher up. You want
Speaker 2: to show up, And what we said earlier was ask
Speaker 2: for what you want. Be clear about what you want
Speaker 2: and ask for it. Don't settle for what shows up.
Speaker 2: That's emergency living. You know, if your house burns down
Speaker 2: and somebody give you a beer shoes, that's two sides.
Speaker 2: It's too big. You got to take them because you
Speaker 2: don't have no shoes. You're not going like that. You
Speaker 2: understand your exit plan involves having a vision, a specific
Speaker 2: vision that you can then enact. Do you have a
Speaker 2: Do you have a boyfriends? You're going to get one
Speaker 2: when you get over there? Is that in the vision?
Speaker 2: It can be, but put everything you want in the vision.
Speaker 2: Put it all in the vision. If you're exiting the old,
Speaker 2: create a vision that has everything new that you want.
Speaker 2: And I wish you the best, the best of luck.
Speaker 2: It sounds like you've stood up, took the mask off.
Speaker 2: You're not going over there looking for approval. You're going
Speaker 2: over there on the authentic business woman, a manager with
Speaker 2: a vision for how she wants her life to unfold.
Speaker 2: And I wish you the best of luck. Thank you,
Speaker 2: Thank you, And you can call us from Vietnam. Call
Speaker 2: us when you find a little boyfriend over there. Okay,
Speaker 2: that'd be nice thing.
Speaker 4: Now just calling Instagram.
Speaker 3: I have husband. I have posting notes on my wall
Speaker 3: and it says focus on the vision. One of them
Speaker 3: says I'm strong, and the other one says it's an
Speaker 3: open door season. Amen. He's been with me now for
Speaker 3: almost two years so and it's kept me so thank you.
Speaker 2: Diane has given us some really good things to think about.
Speaker 2: Isis number one, when you create an exit plan, have
Speaker 2: a vision for the future, have a vision. You said
Speaker 2: you had sticky notes, you had certain things that you wanted.
Speaker 2: The other thing I heard, I think I heard you
Speaker 2: say you were willing to sleep on a mattress for
Speaker 2: nine months if you had to. I think when you
Speaker 2: have an exit plan, yeah, I think when you're creating
Speaker 2: an exit plan, it's also important to be willing to
Speaker 2: do what's necessary for a little while, because sometimes I
Speaker 2: think people don't leave, don't move on because they want everything.
Speaker 2: You know, they want their creature comforts. But you can
Speaker 2: do anything for a little while. Anything, sleep on the mattress,
Speaker 2: on the floor, bunk up on somebody's sofa, you and
Speaker 2: your kids, sleeping, a sleeping back, whatever. Know that in
Speaker 2: your exit plan, be willing to do what's necessary for
Speaker 2: as long as it's necessary. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: Mencisis it does, And that's exactly what I did. That's
Speaker 3: exactly what I did, and that makes sense, And it's
Speaker 3: okay to do it. It's the best thing.
Speaker 2: To do it.
Speaker 3: And know that God is always with you when you
Speaker 3: doing it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, We've got lots more to talk about in terms
Speaker 2: of creating an exit strategy and what it is and
Speaker 2: how to do it and how you implement it. So
Speaker 2: you know what. This is going to be a two parter,
Speaker 2: two parter. We'll be back next week and continue the
Speaker 2: conversation about exit strategies. Until then, stay in peace and
Speaker 2: not in pieces. Fine. The R Spot is a production
Speaker 2: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts
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