WEBVTT - How To Make Your Exit Plan 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:04.440 This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:07.960 while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing 0:00:08.000 --> 0:00:12.520 domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:13.120 show notes. 0:00:16.320 --> 0:00:19.640 I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 0:00:20.040 --> 0:00:22.560 I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:27.000 I had to learn the skills and tools required to 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:31.720 make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:49.320 Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, 0:00:49.360 --> 0:00:52.960 Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to 0:00:53.000 --> 0:00:56.360 talk about, look at, examine, and investigate, you on, nibble on, 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:03.360 explore all kinds of reading relationships and the nuances of relationships, 0:01:03.360 --> 0:01:07.600 because whether it's a relationship with yourself, a relationship with 0:01:07.640 --> 0:01:11.160 someone else, it might be a relationship with food, a 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:17.120 relationship with money, just relationships, anything that you interact with 0:01:17.480 --> 0:01:22.800 or commune with in life. There are things that go 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:25.240 on and things that we need to know, and things 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:27.680 that we need to learn, and things that we need 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:30.679 to grow through. So we take a look at that 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:35.920 here on the R Spot. And one of the more 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:43.400 delicate challenges issues situation circumstances with relationships is when they end. 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:49.040 When a relationship ends. Now, you can't end your relationship 0:01:49.080 --> 0:01:53.800 with yourself. However, you can end how you are being 0:01:54.120 --> 0:01:58.240 in relationship with yourself, how you are behaving, how you 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:01.720 are thinking, how you are living, how you're treating yourself, 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:05.960 or when you're in a relationship with someone else, how 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:08.799 you are being, how you are living, how they are living, 0:02:08.919 --> 0:02:12.239 how they're treating you, how you're feeling. And when it's 0:02:12.320 --> 0:02:15.920 time to end a relationship, when it's time to shift 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:19.679 into a new normal, you need what we call an 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:23.359 exit strategy. How do you get out of this? How 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:26.520 do you get into that? How do you make the shift, 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:28.799 the change to put an end to what's going on 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:34.200 so that you can have something new? What's your exit strategy? 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:37.320 When you have a bad behavior in your own life, 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:40.120 whether you're eating too much, shopping too much, too much sex, 0:02:40.480 --> 0:02:45.640 too many happy flowers, how do you end that? What's 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:48.600 your exit strategy? Do you do it cold turkey? Do 0:02:48.639 --> 0:02:51.320 you run naked in the night, screaming with your hair 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:57.520 on fire? How do you exit some aspect of a relationship? 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:02.720 Or how do you exit a relationship and keep yourself safe? 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:05.120 How do you do it in a way that honors 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:09.000 you and respects the other person or the history or 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:13.040 the experience. So that's what we are talking about today, 0:03:13.600 --> 0:03:16.639 and exit strategy. What is it, how do you create it, 0:03:17.480 --> 0:03:20.040 how do you enacted, when do you need it, and 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:24.920 all of that other good stuff. So to expand this conversation, 0:03:25.080 --> 0:03:28.040 I've got two co hosts today, two co hosts who 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:31.639 are going to talk to me about the necessity of 0:03:31.680 --> 0:03:35.560 an exit strategy, how to implement it, how do you 0:03:35.640 --> 0:03:39.520 create it, how do you walk it out? And then 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:43.120 we have two guests who either need or have an 0:03:43.160 --> 0:03:46.040 exit strategy and want to make sure that they can 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.480 enact it in a most powerful and productive way. So 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:51.840 you're ready. Make sure you have your notebook and your 0:03:51.880 --> 0:03:55.360 pencil so that you can take down notes that may 0:03:55.440 --> 0:03:59.440 apply to you or somebody you know. Let me introduce 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:04.440 my two My first co host is Sierra and she 0:04:04.920 --> 0:04:09.760 is a family therapist based in Atlanta. My second co 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:13.160 host today is Isis and she is a blessed child 0:04:13.240 --> 0:04:20.160 of God. That's what a bio says. Okay, Sierra, welcome 0:04:20.240 --> 0:04:22.919 to the R Spot. How are you, my beloved good 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:28.120 how are you? I am so Gwall So glad that 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:31.200 you can be with me today as we discussed this 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:36.719 important topic of an exit strategy. My second co host 0:04:36.839 --> 0:04:40.599 is Isis and she's joining us, I believe from Chicago. 0:04:41.160 --> 0:04:43.279 Isis welcome to the R spot. 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:45.800 Are you there, I'm here, Thank you. 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:51.320 Good afternoon, Good afternoon, so Isis. We're just beginning to 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:55.279 look at this whole notion of an exit strategy, whether 0:04:55.320 --> 0:04:58.960 you're leaving a relationship, whether you're ending a behavior, whether 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:03.720 you're leaving a town or situation, and exit strategy. When 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:06.400 you hear that, what does that mean to you? 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:11.760 It means many things to me in regards to a relationship, 0:05:12.880 --> 0:05:16.800 even with family or even with a bad habit. It 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:22.080 means a lot to me just being organized and you know, 0:05:22.080 --> 0:05:25.000 knowing the execution plan so then you will have true 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:26.640 freedom from whatever it is. 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:36.479 Okay, Sierra, as the professional therapist working with couples and families, 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:41.560 how would you define an exit strategy? 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:46.000 Yes, I want to find an exit strategy as something 0:05:46.120 --> 0:05:51.320 you first thought through. You want to first do your 0:05:51.400 --> 0:05:55.479 self evaluation just to make sure there's no self improvement 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:58.680 things that you got to do, and then the exit 0:05:58.720 --> 0:06:01.800 strategy with a pen of course, on what the situation is. 0:06:01.880 --> 0:06:05.000 If it's a relationship, you want to make sure that 0:06:05.080 --> 0:06:08.839 you have talked through any type of issues. You want 0:06:08.920 --> 0:06:12.000 to make sure that you are talking about anything that 0:06:12.480 --> 0:06:15.400 came up that involved trust, or if there is something 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:18.400 regarding different goals in life, you want to just kind 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:22.000 of store through all those things first before you can 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:26.160 determine what exactly the exit strategy will be. And some 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:30.000 excess strategies can simply mean a separation. It can mean 0:06:30.400 --> 0:06:34.120 completely leaving out of your common environment. It can mean 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:38.400 taking some time to just do that self work. So 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:39.679 it just depends. 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:46.480 I sis, why do you think people need an exit strategy? 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:52.560 I believe people need an excess strategy to be organized, 0:06:53.240 --> 0:06:57.120 to make sure they're checking all of the boxes, having 0:06:57.279 --> 0:07:01.719 a punch list at the end. That's why they should 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:09.240 have an excess strategy to be organized, to be calm, collective, 0:07:09.920 --> 0:07:15.360 and to execute properly for themselves. That's why it's important. 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:16.240 It's essential. 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:20.840 I love when we have these topics, and I can 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:27.200 use myself as an example. So when I left an 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:33.440 abusive marriage, I was sleep and literally was awakened out 0:07:33.480 --> 0:07:37.480 of my sleep to hear leave here, leave here now. 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:41.000 If you don't, he's gonna kill you. Well, I hadn't 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:45.200 been planning to leave, so I had no money, nowhere 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:48.640 to go, three kids, and he sleep on the other 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:52.560 side of the bed. So I had to in that 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:56.160 moment create the exis strategy. And the only thing I 0:07:56.240 --> 0:07:59.800 knew was take very little. I needed clothes for the kids. 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:03.120 That's what I took. A couple of changes of clothes 0:08:03.280 --> 0:08:08.520 in some bags, dressed them, got them up, and left. 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:11.080 If I had it to do all over again, of 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:14.000 course I would have had a better exit strategy. So 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:17.840 ci ra, tell me why we need an exit strategy 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:20.160 and when do you create it? I want to hear 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:21.880 from you, and then I'm going to ask, isis the 0:08:21.880 --> 0:08:25.239 same thing? Why do we need one? And when should 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:28.240 you create an exit strategy because you don't want to 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:30.920 be in a relationship planning to leave. 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:36.600 Yes, yes, that's a great question. Yes, So first we 0:08:36.679 --> 0:08:39.880 all need an extras strategy because no matter how much 0:08:39.880 --> 0:08:45.079 you may love someone and how much history and share 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:49.120 experiences you have with someone else, you always want to 0:08:49.120 --> 0:08:51.640 make sure that you're being safe. Of course, but like 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:55.000 example you gave earlier, you know when safety is involved 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:57.520 and things like that where it's not a healthy and 0:08:57.559 --> 0:09:01.440 conducive relationship ship for yourself. When we know we have 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:04.280 to have an excess strategy. Of course, you don't want 0:09:04.280 --> 0:09:07.319 to go in with a negative mindset. You always want 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:11.920 to be positive. But that's the why there Now setting 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:13.959 up the access strategy, you know, you want to look 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:17.240 at a couple of different things. You First, like I 0:09:17.320 --> 0:09:19.800 said earlier, that self improvement check you on, make sure 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:22.760 you've checked off everything on your part, because you're not 0:09:22.880 --> 0:09:25.960 the only one in a relationship. The second thing is 0:09:26.120 --> 0:09:30.520 you want to make sure that you're talking through any 0:09:30.679 --> 0:09:34.520 issues that has kind of came arise, if the goals 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:38.160 are not aligning. If there is, of course that safety component, 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:41.840 you want to make sure you're taking that and putting 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:46.440 that first. Any type of emotional, physical, or intimacy connection 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:48.760 that you don't feel like your partner is trying to 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:51.720 do with you and you've tried so many things to 0:09:51.800 --> 0:09:54.840 do and it's just not working, you want to have 0:09:54.960 --> 0:09:57.880 that excess strategy there and talk about it. 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:06.680 So isis in my case, I just had to pick 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:10.000 up and leave. It was an instruction from spirit, and 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:15.280 I had lived nine years in this abusive situation and 0:10:15.320 --> 0:10:18.240 it was very clear, leave and leave now. If you don't, 0:10:18.320 --> 0:10:21.840 he's going to kill you. So what happens when you 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:24.600 don't have a strategy and you do have to pick 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:26.280 up and leave, how do you manage that? 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:31.480 So in my case, that's what exactly happened. So I 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:36.800 actually created two exiting plans. One was more my immediate 0:10:37.679 --> 0:10:40.880 The situation was it was in the morning, my son 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:44.640 was at school and my ex husband had choked me 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:48.800 while I was working from home. So it was a Friday, 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:51.320 so of course I had to wait until my son 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:55.280 got home from school because he's disabled, and so I 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:57.200 had to wait for him for the bus to bring 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:01.400 him home, and I just passed the car and my 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.880 immediate plan was to go home to Chicago, because we 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.520 were living in Saint Louis at the time. So I 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:12.040 drove home and we stayed in a hotel for the weekend. 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:15.480 I reached out to my job and asked, because I 0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:19.679 oversee warehouses all throughout the country, I have a warehouse 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:22.600 in Chicago that I was overseeing. So I just got 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:26.480 the okay from my manager so I could work from 0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:30.360 Chicago for the following week. I did send my son 0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:33.040 back so he could continue with his routine to go 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:37.000 into school. I met my ex husband on that Sunday, 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:40.840 but from there I then created another exit plan so 0:11:40.960 --> 0:11:44.000 for we could get out of the home within the 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.800 next few weeks. It took September, it is when he 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:51.360 took me September fifteenth, but I was able to leave 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:55.280 on November tenth. I drove a U haul and pulled 0:11:55.320 --> 0:11:57.840 my car, took the dog and my son, and we 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:01.200 moved back to Chicago. We've been here, so it sounds 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:06.599 since that. So I didn't have the opportunity to have it, 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:09.640 you know, think it out like you were saying, But 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:12.960 so I had. I was able to create one for 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:16.720 immediate hurry up and get out, but then also think 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:21.360 it over, calmly and rationally to make sure that it 0:12:21.400 --> 0:12:23.800 would be a good plan that will be safe and 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:25.120 secure for me and my son. 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:31.440 Mm hmm, Sierra, what happens as a therapist? Tell me 0:12:31.559 --> 0:12:36.120 what happens when you don't have the opportunity to communicate 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:39.199 or the person or the person the people you're dealing 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:42.240 with aren't willing to communicate. What do you do? Then? 0:12:43.080 --> 0:12:46.040 Yes, yes, so exactly what I used to said. So 0:12:46.160 --> 0:12:49.120 I definitely commend youis for being able to get out 0:12:49.120 --> 0:12:52.160 of the situation as quickly as possible and I'm very safe. 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:55.800 We would then determined like a safety plan, So like 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:59.520 I just describe, it would be an immediate crisis safety 0:12:59.559 --> 0:13:01.600 plan that you would do where you would have like 0:13:01.640 --> 0:13:05.680 emergency contacts, safe spaces to go if you have children, 0:13:06.200 --> 0:13:09.679 just informing them of not what to say, what not 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:13.200 to say when you're doing your exit, as well as 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:17.880 a long term plan of if someone asks about this, 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.559 you know what's your response, what to tell family because 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:25.800 usually in these domestic violence situations, if you've been with 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:29.679 your partner long enough, they kind of know your support system, 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:32.640 So informing your support sys some once you're in a 0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:36.120 safe place of these are the following things that I 0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:38.240 would like you to let them know if that person 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:42.360 reach out to you, just to maintain safety and confidentiality 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:44.040 of where you're whereabouts are. 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:50.079 So what I'm hearing, then if you have to leave immediately, 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:53.840 Number one, leave to keep yourself safe. If I lookt 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:58.320 into what isis shared, ask for help and ask for 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:02.160 what you need and then SIRA, what you're adding on 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:06.480 is educate the children and your support system just so 0:14:06.520 --> 0:14:10.280 that people know what's going on and they can come 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:12.920 to your aide. Is that accurate? 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:14.080 Yes? 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:14.880 Absolutely? 0:14:15.040 --> 0:14:18.760 Is that? Yeah? That sounds it? Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:24.360 how again, because we don't want to be in a 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:29.240 relationship planning to leave, So are there things that we 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:32.080 can do along the way? I know my father taught me, 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:34.640 he said, it's a poor rat that only has one hole. 0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:41.120 So do we plan along the way? Like if something happens, 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:44.400 I can go here, I can go there. And what 0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:47.480 happens if you don't have that? What happens if you 0:14:47.560 --> 0:14:50.960 really because there are people who either don't or believe 0:14:51.120 --> 0:14:53.960 they don't have a place to go, and that's why 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:57.640 they stay. So are there things we should do just 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:01.000 in the course of our living to prepare there ourselves 0:15:01.240 --> 0:15:05.200 should we have to go somewhere? And what would those things. 0:15:04.960 --> 0:15:08.480 Be for me? I would say work on yourself, because 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:11.000 of course you don't want to be, especially if it's 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:14.840 in a relationship, in a marriage or whatever, already having 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.680 a plan B on the back of your on the 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:21.640 back of the stove. But working on yourself is always 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:26.000 the best thing to do. During my marriage of fifteen years, 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:29.040 I was able to finish college. I opened a business. 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:32.600 I moved back to Chicago. I ended up having a 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:36.600 very successful relation, I mean a professional career and supply chain. 0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:40.440 So that's what helped me. By the time I left him, 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:43.080 I didn't even realize it. I had been making more 0:15:43.120 --> 0:15:45.600 than him for the past three years. He reminded me 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:49.800 of that. But because I continue to work on myself, 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:53.960 even in that terrible relationship, I was able to come 0:15:54.000 --> 0:16:00.520 out on my own without him. So to me, working 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:01.280 on yourself on. 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:05.920 One of the things my grandmother taught me. She said that, 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:09.480 and she's old school, Okay, she said, as a woman, 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:12.080 you always have to have a few little pennies tucked 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:15.680 away that nobody else knows about. See er, do you 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:18.280 think that that's a good strategy. Did just have a 0:16:18.320 --> 0:16:20.080 few little pennies stuck to weigh somewhere? 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:24.800 Yes, miss Alla, Yes, yes, I would say. Always make sure, 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:28.520 like we were talking about earlier, having that that yourself together, 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:32.280 making sure you have assets if you need to have that, 0:16:32.400 --> 0:16:33.320 stay in the town. 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:34.000 And you do. 0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:38.600 Never want to just be completely dependent on your partner. 0:16:38.680 --> 0:16:42.040 You want to be what we call entered dependent, where 0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:44.000 you both kind of relying on each other. It's not 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:47.200 one versus the other, because if something happens, you have 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:52.600 to have that safety net. So my dad, he's Africa, Nigeria, 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:55.240 so he's always preaching for me be independent. I'm like, 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:58.320 I got a whole husband, but I hear him. But 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.320 he taught me make sure you always have your own 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:03.800 So even to this day, I live in a house 0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:06.080 with my husband, but I have my own house that 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:09.720 I had when I was graduated from college that I 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:11.880 have a tenant, and just you know, you just want 0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.840 to always be safe. You always want to have yourself 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:18.399 at order. You are able to be self sufficient, just 0:17:18.440 --> 0:17:20.639 in case if you have to completely be out on 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:21.119 your own. 0:17:23.080 --> 0:17:27.360 I tell women all the time, you cannot call yourself 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:31.439 a woman and be totally dependent on anybody else to 0:17:31.480 --> 0:17:33.360 take care of you. I don't care if you got 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:36.600 to sell cookies in the day, or sol socks or 0:17:36.680 --> 0:17:39.560 iron pillow cases and cheats. You gotta have a few 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:44.280 little pennies tucked away, which also, you know, can raise 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:48.159 challenges when you're in a relationship with shared money. You 0:17:48.200 --> 0:17:50.840 don't want to be keeping secrets. So I let him 0:17:50.840 --> 0:17:52.720 know I had my own money, but of course I 0:17:52.760 --> 0:17:55.280 had spent it by the time. By the time I 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:58.639 had to leave now now here, here's a question. Here's 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:04.439 a question. What happens if you're exiting not from a 0:18:04.560 --> 0:18:13.120 romantic relationship, but from a dysfunctional entanglement with family members 0:18:13.240 --> 0:18:17.240 or could be a sister or mother, father, And how 0:18:17.280 --> 0:18:22.119 do you then exit that? If we define exit strategy 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:28.120 as a contingency plan that you activate once you decide 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:31.360 to leave, how do you leave family members? That is 0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:34.080 a big thing in the world. 0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:37.840 Okay, I would like to jump in and speak on that. 0:18:38.400 --> 0:18:41.760 This is feara So I get this question a lot. 0:18:41.840 --> 0:18:45.280 I actually just had a session about this yesterday. But 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:49.360 we never completely leave our family because our families are 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:52.240 going to be connected with us through blood. It's just 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:56.520 what it is. However, what we do label as an 0:18:56.560 --> 0:19:00.440 exit is simply set in those boundaries. So I get 0:19:00.440 --> 0:19:02.919 this a lot. This is my family, but we have 0:19:03.000 --> 0:19:05.840 a lot of trauma and our family or we have 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:09.360 a lot of top sick behavior and things like that, 0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:13.600 And you can't never completely just get rid of your family, 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:16.359 But you can't set those boundaries of what you're not 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:20.320 going to tolerate. Rather, if it's certain things being discussed, 0:19:20.560 --> 0:19:24.040 or if you're not always at every single event, you're 0:19:24.080 --> 0:19:26.960 gonna have to have those boundaries and places, and that's 0:19:27.000 --> 0:19:31.480 incentuating that exit plan of I can't completely just be 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:34.080 done with you as a family just it just also 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:36.159 depends on what kind of happened. If it's like a 0:19:36.200 --> 0:19:38.879 fuse and safety issues, definitely you have to do what 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:41.000 you have to do for your best interest. But it's 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:44.320 just other things that you could maybe talk through through 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:48.880 the setting boundaries. That's totally fine, That's totally okay as 0:19:48.880 --> 0:19:50.040 far as the exit goes. 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:56.240 So what do you think, Sarah? I mean, what do 0:19:56.280 --> 0:19:56.840 you think? Ice? 0:19:57.119 --> 0:20:00.119 So my perspective on this, I have dealt with with 0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:04.320 this all my life. I'm the youngest of four girls, 0:20:04.400 --> 0:20:07.560 and my older three sisters never like me. True story, 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:12.520 and so once I was able to really identify it 0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:16.760 and understand it better, I've seen therapists about it. The 0:20:17.760 --> 0:20:21.879 best advice I received back from my great aunt was 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:25.119 you only have to respect your mother once she's gone. 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:29.359 You don't have to deal with them. I learned the 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:33.159 hard way by continue to keep going back. But now 0:20:33.240 --> 0:20:36.440 that I'm forty eight, I know that the best thing 0:20:36.560 --> 0:20:40.520 to do is to totally step away, be quiet. You 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:43.639 don't have to disrespect them by spreading rumors. But you 0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:46.119 need to be truthful. If any of the other family 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:50.840 members asked, but I just step away and be silent. 0:20:51.960 --> 0:20:57.600 I have them block because your communication is really not welcome. 0:20:57.760 --> 0:21:01.600 If it is truly necessary, you could email me. But 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:05.800 and this is all because I have decided to put 0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:09.240 myself first. Prior to that, I would stick around and 0:21:09.280 --> 0:21:12.280 put up with a lot of abuse out of respect 0:21:12.280 --> 0:21:15.320 for my mother because she wanted her children together. But 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:20.040 now she has gone, I have to really love myself 0:21:20.119 --> 0:21:24.800 more by putting myself first and excommunicating with them. So 0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:28.879 I have chosen to say if there is a funeral 0:21:29.040 --> 0:21:31.720 or if there's a wedding, I may not go because 0:21:31.800 --> 0:21:33.800 I do not want to be bothered with them. So 0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:37.080 most likely that will happen. I will just lose out 0:21:37.080 --> 0:21:41.400 on family reunions and whatever else because I don't want 0:21:41.440 --> 0:21:44.600 to deal with them as well as I'm uncomfortable when 0:21:44.640 --> 0:21:48.360 family members ask me about what's going on. And I've 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:51.639 been living dealing with them for forty eight years, you know, 0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:53.600 so that's why I am with it. 0:21:55.920 --> 0:21:56.040 All. 0:21:56.160 --> 0:22:01.000 Right. Listen, an extra strategy, a contingency plan that you 0:22:01.280 --> 0:22:06.960 activate should leaving for whatever reason, safety or unhappiness or 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:11.840 unfulfillment becomes necessary. And the first step is to make 0:22:11.840 --> 0:22:15.119 sure that you have some things in place, whether it's money, 0:22:15.119 --> 0:22:18.240 a place to go, or support system. I say, particularly 0:22:18.240 --> 0:22:21.200 for women, every woman needs a posse. I'm sure it's 0:22:21.280 --> 0:22:24.080 quite different for men, because men it would be harder 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:25.840 for them to call somebody and say, hey, can I 0:22:25.840 --> 0:22:28.600 come sleep on your couch? You know, and that's if 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:34.080 we are leaving a romantic relationship. We're leaving a family relationship. 0:22:34.080 --> 0:22:36.879 And I thank you for that, Sierra for saying, you know, 0:22:36.920 --> 0:22:39.840 you cannot throw your family out of your heart, because 0:22:39.840 --> 0:22:42.439 you cannot throw them out of your blood. But you 0:22:42.600 --> 0:22:47.560 do get to choose how you participate with them. That 0:22:47.880 --> 0:22:51.560 is key. You get to choose how you participate with 0:22:51.640 --> 0:22:57.360 your family. And as Sierra said, set clear boundaries isis 0:22:57.440 --> 0:23:01.680 you're sharing. Put yourself first, tell the truth of your experience, 0:23:02.040 --> 0:23:06.199 and choose your participation with your family members, even if 0:23:06.280 --> 0:23:09.720 it means you get to miss out on some family events. 0:23:10.560 --> 0:23:12.919 So those are some extra strategies. But we have a 0:23:13.040 --> 0:23:15.840 guest who's going to talk to us about her extra 0:23:15.880 --> 0:23:18.800 strategy or the need for an extra strategy, and We're 0:23:18.800 --> 0:23:20.720 going to do that right after this break. We'll be 0:23:20.840 --> 0:23:35.480 right back. Welcome back to the art Spot. I am Yamla. 0:23:35.920 --> 0:23:40.680 My co host today are Sierra from Atlanta and Isis 0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:44.040 from Chicago, and we're talking about an extra strategy. How 0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:47.720 do you get out of a romantic relationship or family relationship. 0:23:47.880 --> 0:23:50.040 We're going to talk in a little while about how 0:23:50.080 --> 0:23:52.800 you get out of behaviors that you have with yourself 0:23:52.840 --> 0:23:55.399 with nobody else is involved. But right now we're going 0:23:55.480 --> 0:24:02.119 to invite our first guest, Diane. Hi, Diane, Welcome to 0:24:02.160 --> 0:24:05.439 the r Spot. I've got two co hosts today, Sierra 0:24:05.520 --> 0:24:09.280 and Isis, and we're talking about an exit strategy. Now, 0:24:09.600 --> 0:24:13.360 do you have one or do you need one? 0:24:13.640 --> 0:24:16.840 I need one? 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:21.000 Tell me why? 0:24:22.280 --> 0:24:26.920 Okay, Well, because I don't. I don't want to go 0:24:27.160 --> 0:24:33.359 into my next place the same way I occupy the 0:24:33.400 --> 0:24:40.320 space I was in currently in. I found that I 0:24:40.480 --> 0:24:44.040 realized I've been wearing masks, masks in order to stay 0:24:44.040 --> 0:24:49.159 in it, stay in a relationship relationship, this one in 0:24:49.200 --> 0:24:53.280 particular as a tenant homeowner relationship. But I've been wearing 0:24:53.320 --> 0:24:58.280 masks and recognize that. But I don't want to go 0:24:58.440 --> 0:25:03.000 into the next space wearing masks my exit plan. I 0:25:03.000 --> 0:25:07.200 stood stood up in my own, in my truth, and 0:25:07.320 --> 0:25:13.439 the exit found me versus me finding it. But am 0:25:13.480 --> 0:25:16.480 I no longer Yes, because I no longer I took 0:25:16.560 --> 0:25:20.399 off my mask and the home owned. I was helping 0:25:20.440 --> 0:25:23.000 her with some things around the house, even though I 0:25:23.000 --> 0:25:25.560 lived in the basement. But I didn't want to do 0:25:25.600 --> 0:25:27.959