1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:04,440 Speaker 1: This episode contains discussions about domestic violence. Please take care 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: while listening. If you or someone you know is experiencing 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,520 Speaker 1: domestic violence, please seek help. Resources are available in the 4 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:13,120 Speaker 1: show notes. 5 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,640 Speaker 2: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 6 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,560 Speaker 2: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 7 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 2: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 8 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:31,720 Speaker 2: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 9 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:49,320 Speaker 2: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, 10 00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 2: Welcome to the Our Spot, the place we come to 11 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,360 Speaker 2: talk about, look at, examine, and investigate, you on, nibble on, 12 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 2: explore all kinds of reading relationships and the nuances of relationships, 13 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:07,600 Speaker 2: because whether it's a relationship with yourself, a relationship with 14 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:11,160 Speaker 2: someone else, it might be a relationship with food, a 15 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 2: relationship with money, just relationships, anything that you interact with 16 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:22,800 Speaker 2: or commune with in life. There are things that go 17 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 2: on and things that we need to know, and things 18 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,680 Speaker 2: that we need to learn, and things that we need 19 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,679 Speaker 2: to grow through. So we take a look at that 20 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,920 Speaker 2: here on the R Spot. And one of the more 21 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:43,400 Speaker 2: delicate challenges issues situation circumstances with relationships is when they end. 22 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 2: When a relationship ends. Now, you can't end your relationship 23 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,800 Speaker 2: with yourself. However, you can end how you are being 24 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 2: in relationship with yourself, how you are behaving, how you 25 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 2: are thinking, how you are living, how you're treating yourself, 26 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,960 Speaker 2: or when you're in a relationship with someone else, how 27 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,799 Speaker 2: you are being, how you are living, how they are living, 28 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:12,239 Speaker 2: how they're treating you, how you're feeling. And when it's 29 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:15,920 Speaker 2: time to end a relationship, when it's time to shift 30 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,679 Speaker 2: into a new normal, you need what we call an 31 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,359 Speaker 2: exit strategy. How do you get out of this? How 32 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 2: do you get into that? How do you make the shift, 33 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,799 Speaker 2: the change to put an end to what's going on 34 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 2: so that you can have something new? What's your exit strategy? 35 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 2: When you have a bad behavior in your own life, 36 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 2: whether you're eating too much, shopping too much, too much sex, 37 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:45,640 Speaker 2: too many happy flowers, how do you end that? What's 38 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,600 Speaker 2: your exit strategy? Do you do it cold turkey? Do 39 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 2: you run naked in the night, screaming with your hair 40 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 2: on fire? How do you exit some aspect of a relationship? 41 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:02,720 Speaker 2: Or how do you exit a relationship and keep yourself safe? 42 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 2: How do you do it in a way that honors 43 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:09,000 Speaker 2: you and respects the other person or the history or 44 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,040 Speaker 2: the experience. So that's what we are talking about today, 45 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,639 Speaker 2: and exit strategy. What is it, how do you create it, 46 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 2: how do you enacted, when do you need it, and 47 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,920 Speaker 2: all of that other good stuff. So to expand this conversation, 48 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 2: I've got two co hosts today, two co hosts who 49 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,639 Speaker 2: are going to talk to me about the necessity of 50 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 2: an exit strategy, how to implement it, how do you 51 00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 2: create it, how do you walk it out? And then 52 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 2: we have two guests who either need or have an 53 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 2: exit strategy and want to make sure that they can 54 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 2: enact it in a most powerful and productive way. So 55 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,840 Speaker 2: you're ready. Make sure you have your notebook and your 56 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,360 Speaker 2: pencil so that you can take down notes that may 57 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 2: apply to you or somebody you know. Let me introduce 58 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 2: my two My first co host is Sierra and she 59 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 2: is a family therapist based in Atlanta. My second co 60 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,160 Speaker 2: host today is Isis and she is a blessed child 61 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:20,160 Speaker 2: of God. That's what a bio says. Okay, Sierra, welcome 62 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 2: to the R Spot. How are you, my beloved good 63 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:28,120 Speaker 2: how are you? I am so Gwall So glad that 64 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 2: you can be with me today as we discussed this 65 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:36,719 Speaker 2: important topic of an exit strategy. My second co host 66 00:04:36,839 --> 00:04:40,599 Speaker 2: is Isis and she's joining us, I believe from Chicago. 67 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 2: Isis welcome to the R spot. 68 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,800 Speaker 3: Are you there, I'm here, Thank you. 69 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 2: Good afternoon, Good afternoon, so Isis. We're just beginning to 70 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 2: look at this whole notion of an exit strategy, whether 71 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 2: you're leaving a relationship, whether you're ending a behavior, whether 72 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:03,720 Speaker 2: you're leaving a town or situation, and exit strategy. When 73 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 2: you hear that, what does that mean to you? 74 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 3: It means many things to me in regards to a relationship, 75 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,800 Speaker 3: even with family or even with a bad habit. It 76 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 3: means a lot to me just being organized and you know, 77 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 3: knowing the execution plan so then you will have true 78 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,640 Speaker 3: freedom from whatever it is. 79 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:36,479 Speaker 2: Okay, Sierra, as the professional therapist working with couples and families, 80 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 2: how would you define an exit strategy? 81 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:46,000 Speaker 4: Yes, I want to find an exit strategy as something 82 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 4: you first thought through. You want to first do your 83 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 4: self evaluation just to make sure there's no self improvement 84 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 4: things that you got to do, and then the exit 85 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,800 Speaker 4: strategy with a pen of course, on what the situation is. 86 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,000 Speaker 4: If it's a relationship, you want to make sure that 87 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 4: you have talked through any type of issues. You want 88 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,000 Speaker 4: to make sure that you are talking about anything that 89 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 4: came up that involved trust, or if there is something 90 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,400 Speaker 4: regarding different goals in life, you want to just kind 91 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 4: of store through all those things first before you can 92 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,160 Speaker 4: determine what exactly the exit strategy will be. And some 93 00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:30,000 Speaker 4: excess strategies can simply mean a separation. It can mean 94 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:34,120 Speaker 4: completely leaving out of your common environment. It can mean 95 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 4: taking some time to just do that self work. So 96 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,679 Speaker 4: it just depends. 97 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:46,480 Speaker 2: I sis, why do you think people need an exit strategy? 98 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 3: I believe people need an excess strategy to be organized, 99 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 3: to make sure they're checking all of the boxes, having 100 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 3: a punch list at the end. That's why they should 101 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:09,240 Speaker 3: have an excess strategy to be organized, to be calm, collective, 102 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 3: and to execute properly for themselves. That's why it's important. 103 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 3: It's essential. 104 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 2: I love when we have these topics, and I can 105 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 2: use myself as an example. So when I left an 106 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 2: abusive marriage, I was sleep and literally was awakened out 107 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 2: of my sleep to hear leave here, leave here now. 108 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:41,000 Speaker 2: If you don't, he's gonna kill you. Well, I hadn't 109 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 2: been planning to leave, so I had no money, nowhere 110 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,640 Speaker 2: to go, three kids, and he sleep on the other 111 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 2: side of the bed. So I had to in that 112 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 2: moment create the exis strategy. And the only thing I 113 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 2: knew was take very little. I needed clothes for the kids. 114 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,120 Speaker 2: That's what I took. A couple of changes of clothes 115 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:08,520 Speaker 2: in some bags, dressed them, got them up, and left. 116 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 2: If I had it to do all over again, of 117 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,000 Speaker 2: course I would have had a better exit strategy. So 118 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,840 Speaker 2: ci ra, tell me why we need an exit strategy 119 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 2: and when do you create it? I want to hear 120 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 2: from you, and then I'm going to ask, isis the 121 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:25,239 Speaker 2: same thing? Why do we need one? And when should 122 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,240 Speaker 2: you create an exit strategy because you don't want to 123 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 2: be in a relationship planning to leave. 124 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,600 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, that's a great question. Yes, So first we 125 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 4: all need an extras strategy because no matter how much 126 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:45,079 Speaker 4: you may love someone and how much history and share 127 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:49,120 Speaker 4: experiences you have with someone else, you always want to 128 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 4: make sure that you're being safe. Of course, but like 129 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 4: example you gave earlier, you know when safety is involved 130 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 4: and things like that where it's not a healthy and 131 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:01,440 Speaker 4: conducive relationship ship for yourself. When we know we have 132 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 4: to have an excess strategy. Of course, you don't want 133 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,319 Speaker 4: to go in with a negative mindset. You always want 134 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 4: to be positive. But that's the why there Now setting 135 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 4: up the access strategy, you know, you want to look 136 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:17,240 Speaker 4: at a couple of different things. You First, like I 137 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 4: said earlier, that self improvement check you on, make sure 138 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:22,760 Speaker 4: you've checked off everything on your part, because you're not 139 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,960 Speaker 4: the only one in a relationship. The second thing is 140 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 4: you want to make sure that you're talking through any 141 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:34,520 Speaker 4: issues that has kind of came arise, if the goals 142 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:38,160 Speaker 4: are not aligning. If there is, of course that safety component, 143 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 4: you want to make sure you're taking that and putting 144 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 4: that first. Any type of emotional, physical, or intimacy connection 145 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 4: that you don't feel like your partner is trying to 146 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,720 Speaker 4: do with you and you've tried so many things to 147 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,840 Speaker 4: do and it's just not working, you want to have 148 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 4: that excess strategy there and talk about it. 149 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:06,680 Speaker 2: So isis in my case, I just had to pick 150 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 2: up and leave. It was an instruction from spirit, and 151 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 2: I had lived nine years in this abusive situation and 152 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:18,240 Speaker 2: it was very clear, leave and leave now. If you don't, 153 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,840 Speaker 2: he's going to kill you. So what happens when you 154 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,600 Speaker 2: don't have a strategy and you do have to pick 155 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:26,280 Speaker 2: up and leave, how do you manage that? 156 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,480 Speaker 3: So in my case, that's what exactly happened. So I 157 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:36,800 Speaker 3: actually created two exiting plans. One was more my immediate 158 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,880 Speaker 3: The situation was it was in the morning, my son 159 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 3: was at school and my ex husband had choked me 160 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 3: while I was working from home. So it was a Friday, 161 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 3: so of course I had to wait until my son 162 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 3: got home from school because he's disabled, and so I 163 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,200 Speaker 3: had to wait for him for the bus to bring 164 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 3: him home, and I just passed the car and my 165 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 3: immediate plan was to go home to Chicago, because we 166 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 3: were living in Saint Louis at the time. So I 167 00:11:07,679 --> 00:11:12,040 Speaker 3: drove home and we stayed in a hotel for the weekend. 168 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 3: I reached out to my job and asked, because I 169 00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:19,679 Speaker 3: oversee warehouses all throughout the country, I have a warehouse 170 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,600 Speaker 3: in Chicago that I was overseeing. So I just got 171 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 3: the okay from my manager so I could work from 172 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 3: Chicago for the following week. I did send my son 173 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 3: back so he could continue with his routine to go 174 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:37,000 Speaker 3: into school. I met my ex husband on that Sunday, 175 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 3: but from there I then created another exit plan so 176 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 3: for we could get out of the home within the 177 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 3: next few weeks. It took September, it is when he 178 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,360 Speaker 3: took me September fifteenth, but I was able to leave 179 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 3: on November tenth. I drove a U haul and pulled 180 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,840 Speaker 3: my car, took the dog and my son, and we 181 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,200 Speaker 3: moved back to Chicago. We've been here, so it sounds 182 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,599 Speaker 3: since that. So I didn't have the opportunity to have it, 183 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,640 Speaker 3: you know, think it out like you were saying, But 184 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 3: so I had. I was able to create one for 185 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 3: immediate hurry up and get out, but then also think 186 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 3: it over, calmly and rationally to make sure that it 187 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 3: would be a good plan that will be safe and 188 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,120 Speaker 3: secure for me and my son. 189 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:31,440 Speaker 2: Mm hmm, Sierra, what happens as a therapist? Tell me 190 00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 2: what happens when you don't have the opportunity to communicate 191 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,199 Speaker 2: or the person or the person the people you're dealing 192 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 2: with aren't willing to communicate. What do you do? Then? 193 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, so exactly what I used to said. So 194 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,120 Speaker 4: I definitely commend youis for being able to get out 195 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 4: of the situation as quickly as possible and I'm very safe. 196 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,800 Speaker 4: We would then determined like a safety plan, So like 197 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 4: I just describe, it would be an immediate crisis safety 198 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 4: plan that you would do where you would have like 199 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:05,680 Speaker 4: emergency contacts, safe spaces to go if you have children, 200 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,679 Speaker 4: just informing them of not what to say, what not 201 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 4: to say when you're doing your exit, as well as 202 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 4: a long term plan of if someone asks about this, 203 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,559 Speaker 4: you know what's your response, what to tell family because 204 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:25,800 Speaker 4: usually in these domestic violence situations, if you've been with 205 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,679 Speaker 4: your partner long enough, they kind of know your support system, 206 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 4: So informing your support sys some once you're in a 207 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 4: safe place of these are the following things that I 208 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 4: would like you to let them know if that person 209 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 4: reach out to you, just to maintain safety and confidentiality 210 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,040 Speaker 4: of where you're whereabouts are. 211 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,079 Speaker 2: So what I'm hearing, then if you have to leave immediately, 212 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,840 Speaker 2: Number one, leave to keep yourself safe. If I lookt 213 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:58,320 Speaker 2: into what isis shared, ask for help and ask for 214 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 2: what you need and then SIRA, what you're adding on 215 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 2: is educate the children and your support system just so 216 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,280 Speaker 2: that people know what's going on and they can come 217 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 2: to your aide. Is that accurate? 218 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,080 Speaker 3: Yes? 219 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:14,880 Speaker 4: Absolutely? 220 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,760 Speaker 2: Is that? Yeah? That sounds it? Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, 221 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:24,360 Speaker 2: how again, because we don't want to be in a 222 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 2: relationship planning to leave, So are there things that we 223 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,080 Speaker 2: can do along the way? I know my father taught me, 224 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 2: he said, it's a poor rat that only has one hole. 225 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:41,120 Speaker 2: So do we plan along the way? Like if something happens, 226 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 2: I can go here, I can go there. And what 227 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,480 Speaker 2: happens if you don't have that? What happens if you 228 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,960 Speaker 2: really because there are people who either don't or believe 229 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 2: they don't have a place to go, and that's why 230 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 2: they stay. So are there things we should do just 231 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 2: in the course of our living to prepare there ourselves 232 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 2: should we have to go somewhere? And what would those things. 233 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,480 Speaker 3: Be for me? I would say work on yourself, because 234 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 3: of course you don't want to be, especially if it's 235 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 3: in a relationship, in a marriage or whatever, already having 236 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 3: a plan B on the back of your on the 237 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 3: back of the stove. But working on yourself is always 238 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 3: the best thing to do. During my marriage of fifteen years, 239 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 3: I was able to finish college. I opened a business. 240 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,600 Speaker 3: I moved back to Chicago. I ended up having a 241 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 3: very successful relation, I mean a professional career and supply chain. 242 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,440 Speaker 3: So that's what helped me. By the time I left him, 243 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,080 Speaker 3: I didn't even realize it. I had been making more 244 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 3: than him for the past three years. He reminded me 245 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 3: of that. But because I continue to work on myself, 246 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:53,960 Speaker 3: even in that terrible relationship, I was able to come 247 00:15:54,000 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 3: out on my own without him. So to me, working 248 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,280 Speaker 3: on yourself on. 249 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 2: One of the things my grandmother taught me. She said that, 250 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,480 Speaker 2: and she's old school, Okay, she said, as a woman, 251 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 2: you always have to have a few little pennies tucked 252 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,680 Speaker 2: away that nobody else knows about. See er, do you 253 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,280 Speaker 2: think that that's a good strategy. Did just have a 254 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 2: few little pennies stuck to weigh somewhere? 255 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 4: Yes, miss Alla, Yes, yes, I would say. Always make sure, 256 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 4: like we were talking about earlier, having that that yourself together, 257 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 4: making sure you have assets if you need to have that, 258 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,320 Speaker 4: stay in the town. 259 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 3: And you do. 260 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 4: Never want to just be completely dependent on your partner. 261 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 4: You want to be what we call entered dependent, where 262 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,000 Speaker 4: you both kind of relying on each other. It's not 263 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 4: one versus the other, because if something happens, you have 264 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 4: to have that safety net. So my dad, he's Africa, Nigeria, 265 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,240 Speaker 4: so he's always preaching for me be independent. I'm like, 266 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 4: I got a whole husband, but I hear him. But 267 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 4: he taught me make sure you always have your own 268 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 4: So even to this day, I live in a house 269 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 4: with my husband, but I have my own house that 270 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:09,720 Speaker 4: I had when I was graduated from college that I 271 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,880 Speaker 4: have a tenant, and just you know, you just want 272 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 4: to always be safe. You always want to have yourself 273 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,399 Speaker 4: at order. You are able to be self sufficient, just 274 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,639 Speaker 4: in case if you have to completely be out on 275 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:21,119 Speaker 4: your own. 276 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:27,360 Speaker 2: I tell women all the time, you cannot call yourself 277 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:31,439 Speaker 2: a woman and be totally dependent on anybody else to 278 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,360 Speaker 2: take care of you. I don't care if you got 279 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 2: to sell cookies in the day, or sol socks or 280 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 2: iron pillow cases and cheats. You gotta have a few 281 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 2: little pennies tucked away, which also, you know, can raise 282 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,159 Speaker 2: challenges when you're in a relationship with shared money. You 283 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 2: don't want to be keeping secrets. So I let him 284 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 2: know I had my own money, but of course I 285 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 2: had spent it by the time. By the time I 286 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,639 Speaker 2: had to leave now now here, here's a question. Here's 287 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:04,439 Speaker 2: a question. What happens if you're exiting not from a 288 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:13,120 Speaker 2: romantic relationship, but from a dysfunctional entanglement with family members 289 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 2: or could be a sister or mother, father, And how 290 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 2: do you then exit that? If we define exit strategy 291 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:28,120 Speaker 2: as a contingency plan that you activate once you decide 292 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,360 Speaker 2: to leave, how do you leave family members? That is 293 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 2: a big thing in the world. 294 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:37,840 Speaker 4: Okay, I would like to jump in and speak on that. 295 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 4: This is feara So I get this question a lot. 296 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 4: I actually just had a session about this yesterday. But 297 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,360 Speaker 4: we never completely leave our family because our families are 298 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 4: going to be connected with us through blood. It's just 299 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 4: what it is. However, what we do label as an 300 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,440 Speaker 4: exit is simply set in those boundaries. So I get 301 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,919 Speaker 4: this a lot. This is my family, but we have 302 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 4: a lot of trauma and our family or we have 303 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,360 Speaker 4: a lot of top sick behavior and things like that, 304 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:13,600 Speaker 4: And you can't never completely just get rid of your family, 305 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:16,359 Speaker 4: But you can't set those boundaries of what you're not 306 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,320 Speaker 4: going to tolerate. Rather, if it's certain things being discussed, 307 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:24,040 Speaker 4: or if you're not always at every single event, you're 308 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,960 Speaker 4: gonna have to have those boundaries and places, and that's 309 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 4: incentuating that exit plan of I can't completely just be 310 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,080 Speaker 4: done with you as a family just it just also 311 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,159 Speaker 4: depends on what kind of happened. If it's like a 312 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 4: fuse and safety issues, definitely you have to do what 313 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 4: you have to do for your best interest. But it's 314 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 4: just other things that you could maybe talk through through 315 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:48,880 Speaker 4: the setting boundaries. That's totally fine, That's totally okay as 316 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,040 Speaker 4: far as the exit goes. 317 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:56,240 Speaker 2: So what do you think, Sarah? I mean, what do 318 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 2: you think? Ice? 319 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:00,119 Speaker 3: So my perspective on this, I have dealt with with 320 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:04,320 Speaker 3: this all my life. I'm the youngest of four girls, 321 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 3: and my older three sisters never like me. True story, 322 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 3: and so once I was able to really identify it 323 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,760 Speaker 3: and understand it better, I've seen therapists about it. The 324 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,879 Speaker 3: best advice I received back from my great aunt was 325 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,119 Speaker 3: you only have to respect your mother once she's gone. 326 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:29,359 Speaker 3: You don't have to deal with them. I learned the 327 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:33,159 Speaker 3: hard way by continue to keep going back. But now 328 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,440 Speaker 3: that I'm forty eight, I know that the best thing 329 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 3: to do is to totally step away, be quiet. You 330 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,639 Speaker 3: don't have to disrespect them by spreading rumors. But you 331 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,119 Speaker 3: need to be truthful. If any of the other family 332 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 3: members asked, but I just step away and be silent. 333 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 3: I have them block because your communication is really not welcome. 334 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 3: If it is truly necessary, you could email me. But 335 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 3: and this is all because I have decided to put 336 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 3: myself first. Prior to that, I would stick around and 337 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,280 Speaker 3: put up with a lot of abuse out of respect 338 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 3: for my mother because she wanted her children together. But 339 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 3: now she has gone, I have to really love myself 340 00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:24,800 Speaker 3: more by putting myself first and excommunicating with them. So 341 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,879 Speaker 3: I have chosen to say if there is a funeral 342 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 3: or if there's a wedding, I may not go because 343 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 3: I do not want to be bothered with them. So 344 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,080 Speaker 3: most likely that will happen. I will just lose out 345 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:41,400 Speaker 3: on family reunions and whatever else because I don't want 346 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 3: to deal with them as well as I'm uncomfortable when 347 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,360 Speaker 3: family members ask me about what's going on. And I've 348 00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:51,639 Speaker 3: been living dealing with them for forty eight years, you know, 349 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,600 Speaker 3: so that's why I am with it. 350 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:56,040 Speaker 4: All. 351 00:21:56,160 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 2: Right. Listen, an extra strategy, a contingency plan that you 352 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:06,960 Speaker 2: activate should leaving for whatever reason, safety or unhappiness or 353 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,840 Speaker 2: unfulfillment becomes necessary. And the first step is to make 354 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,119 Speaker 2: sure that you have some things in place, whether it's money, 355 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:18,240 Speaker 2: a place to go, or support system. I say, particularly 356 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,200 Speaker 2: for women, every woman needs a posse. I'm sure it's 357 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 2: quite different for men, because men it would be harder 358 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:25,840 Speaker 2: for them to call somebody and say, hey, can I 359 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,600 Speaker 2: come sleep on your couch? You know, and that's if 360 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:34,080 Speaker 2: we are leaving a romantic relationship. We're leaving a family relationship. 361 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,879 Speaker 2: And I thank you for that, Sierra for saying, you know, 362 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 2: you cannot throw your family out of your heart, because 363 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,439 Speaker 2: you cannot throw them out of your blood. But you 364 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 2: do get to choose how you participate with them. That 365 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 2: is key. You get to choose how you participate with 366 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:57,360 Speaker 2: your family. And as Sierra said, set clear boundaries isis 367 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:01,680 Speaker 2: you're sharing. Put yourself first, tell the truth of your experience, 368 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:06,199 Speaker 2: and choose your participation with your family members, even if 369 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,720 Speaker 2: it means you get to miss out on some family events. 370 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,919 Speaker 2: So those are some extra strategies. But we have a 371 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 2: guest who's going to talk to us about her extra 372 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 2: strategy or the need for an extra strategy, and We're 373 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,720 Speaker 2: going to do that right after this break. We'll be 374 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 2: right back. Welcome back to the art Spot. I am Yamla. 375 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:40,680 Speaker 2: My co host today are Sierra from Atlanta and Isis 376 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:44,040 Speaker 2: from Chicago, and we're talking about an extra strategy. How 377 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 2: do you get out of a romantic relationship or family relationship. 378 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,040 Speaker 2: We're going to talk in a little while about how 379 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,800 Speaker 2: you get out of behaviors that you have with yourself 380 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,399 Speaker 2: with nobody else is involved. But right now we're going 381 00:23:55,480 --> 00:24:02,119 Speaker 2: to invite our first guest, Diane. Hi, Diane, Welcome to 382 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,439 Speaker 2: the r Spot. I've got two co hosts today, Sierra 383 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,280 Speaker 2: and Isis, and we're talking about an exit strategy. Now, 384 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,360 Speaker 2: do you have one or do you need one? 385 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 5: I need one? 386 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 2: Tell me why? 387 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,920 Speaker 5: Okay, Well, because I don't. I don't want to go 388 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:33,359 Speaker 5: into my next place the same way I occupy the 389 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:40,320 Speaker 5: space I was in currently in. I found that I 390 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,040 Speaker 5: realized I've been wearing masks, masks in order to stay 391 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:49,159 Speaker 5: in it, stay in a relationship relationship, this one in 392 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:53,280 Speaker 5: particular as a tenant homeowner relationship. But I've been wearing 393 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:58,280 Speaker 5: masks and recognize that. But I don't want to go 394 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 5: into the next space wearing masks my exit plan. I 395 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:07,200 Speaker 5: stood stood up in my own, in my truth, and 396 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:13,439 Speaker 5: the exit found me versus me finding it. But am 397 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,480 Speaker 5: I no longer Yes, because I no longer I took 398 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,399 Speaker 5: off my mask and the home owned. I was helping 399 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 5: her with some things around the house, even though I 400 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 5: lived in the basement. But I didn't want to do 401 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,959 Speaker 5: that anymore. My mask was coming off. I didn't it 402 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 5: was too costly for me, and so when I told 403 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:35,920 Speaker 5: her I I'll negotiate, unnegotiated, and then all of a 404 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:39,120 Speaker 5: sudden she wanted to move. After being a daughter, wanted 405 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,639 Speaker 5: her to move for three years. But when I say 406 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,480 Speaker 5: I don't want to do this anymore, she wanted to move. 407 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 5: But I realized I've been doing that for a long time. 408 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:49,480 Speaker 5: Masking up. 409 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,120 Speaker 2: Okay, So what are you aware of the mask that 410 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 2: you were wearing? 411 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:56,800 Speaker 5: Yes? 412 00:25:59,480 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 2: Are you? 413 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 5: And to share that, yes, I believe it. The mask 414 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 5: is performative to keep my mother happy, keep her from 415 00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 5: not being mad at me, because she had the scowl, 416 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 5: the scowl I don't want. I never wanted the scow 417 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,439 Speaker 5: because I meant disappointed, disappointment. So I learned how to 418 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,520 Speaker 5: be very performative I'm going to keep everybody. 419 00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:35,360 Speaker 2: Happy aka people pleasing. Yes, so the homeowner is your mother? 420 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:39,480 Speaker 5: No, the homeowner is an older woman who I sold 421 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 5: the tub to. I was doing sales and sold the 422 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:47,520 Speaker 5: walking tub to and she invited me to come live 423 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 5: with that. I came, came back and visited her. She 424 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,120 Speaker 5: says she had a basement and and I came. 425 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 2: You needed a place to live. 426 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,960 Speaker 5: Didn't need a place to live. It was convenience. I 427 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,400 Speaker 5: didn't need it as actually was staying with my mother. 428 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:13,760 Speaker 2: Okay, you moved, you moved it. You moved in with 429 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:18,320 Speaker 2: a client, a homeowner who was one of your clients, 430 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,240 Speaker 2: because it was convenient and you were living with your 431 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 2: mother and that was inconvenient, right, yes? Okay. So did 432 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 2: you have an exit strategy for leaving your mom's home 433 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 2: or did you just pick up and go? 434 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:39,280 Speaker 5: I I just picked up and left. 435 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:43,600 Speaker 2: Okay, and you've been there now. But it sounds like 436 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,320 Speaker 2: you were repeating the pattern that you had with your 437 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:50,320 Speaker 2: mom with your homeowner. Would that be accurate? 438 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 5: Yes? 439 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,880 Speaker 2: Okay, which was doing what would keep her happy so 440 00:27:55,920 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 2: that you would have a place to live. Correct Sierra, 441 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:06,560 Speaker 2: what do you have to say about that? 442 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 4: I'm sorry that you have went through that. That's definitely 443 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:15,320 Speaker 4: a different dynamics the homeowner the tenant, because it's still 444 00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:18,240 Speaker 4: shows it's a type of relationship and we got to 445 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:22,600 Speaker 4: make sure that we're balancing everything. So you know, my 446 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,679 Speaker 4: thoughts on that, I have a couple of thoughts, But 447 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,800 Speaker 4: the main thing I want to kind of just hear 448 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:31,880 Speaker 4: more from you about is have you had additional conversations 449 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:33,200 Speaker 4: about how you're feeling. 450 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:39,480 Speaker 5: Yes, So I went to the table. I negotiated to Okay, 451 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,120 Speaker 5: I was doing a lot of things for her, but 452 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:45,880 Speaker 5: she was like, I had a mobility issue. So I 453 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 5: was doing things out of the kindness of my heart, 454 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 5: but also because of the mask I'm trying to please. 455 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:54,600 Speaker 5: And I came to the table and negotiated, I'll pay 456 00:28:54,680 --> 00:29:00,080 Speaker 5: fifty dollars instead of four hundred dollars a month. And 457 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,960 Speaker 5: I did that for a month, and then that's when 458 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 5: she went and looked for a place, found the place 459 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:10,280 Speaker 5: and said she she was moving. And prior to that, 460 00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:14,000 Speaker 5: and prior to her saying she was moving, she asked 461 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,400 Speaker 5: me if I was moving with her, And I asked her, 462 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 5: she did you want me to move with you? She 463 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:22,200 Speaker 5: said yes. But after I was charging her. She said 464 00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:26,000 Speaker 5: she wanted to part ways. So I stood up in 465 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:30,600 Speaker 5: my truth. But she I think she had a relationship 466 00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:35,240 Speaker 5: with the weakened me, the person who wasn't standing in 467 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 5: their truth. So that's why she wanted me to leave 468 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,080 Speaker 5: because my mask was off. I don't want to do 469 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:41,720 Speaker 5: this anymore. 470 00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:45,120 Speaker 4: Yeah, And I'm so happy you just said that part, 471 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,760 Speaker 4: because that's the part that a lot of people struggle 472 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:52,360 Speaker 4: with when we are exercising our thirtiveness and people are 473 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,440 Speaker 4: used to taking advantage of the fact that we wasn't 474 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,280 Speaker 4: being so asserd of and being maybe passed, so we're 475 00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:01,520 Speaker 4: not really speaking our truth. They get offended by that, 476 00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:04,760 Speaker 4: and then they know that they are exposed. It's not 477 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 4: you exposing yourself, it's their negative and poor behavior that's 478 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 4: being exposed now. And now it's a sign of guilt 479 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,920 Speaker 4: that they may close off a relationship or they may 480 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 4: emotionally shut down. Nothing that you did hear was wrong. 481 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,120 Speaker 4: I always have two rules that I tell everybody about. 482 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:25,080 Speaker 4: The two rules I live by is did I do 483 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 4: anything unethical or did I do anything illegal? You didn't 484 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:33,640 Speaker 4: do anything ethical or illegal in this conversation that you had. 485 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 4: She chose to show those type of patterns of behavior, 486 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:38,640 Speaker 4: not you. 487 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:45,680 Speaker 2: Okay, you know I think that you also, Diane. I 488 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 2: also want to acknowledge you and thank you for sharing, 489 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 2: because you really point out the reason that an exit 490 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:58,560 Speaker 2: strategy can be helpful. Number one, so that we don't 491 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:02,480 Speaker 2: repeat the same pattern. Perhaps, had you had an extra 492 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:06,240 Speaker 2: strategy for leaving your mom's house, where you had clear 493 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 2: communication and you talked about your challenges, you would have 494 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,720 Speaker 2: seen that you were getting ready to walk right back 495 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,160 Speaker 2: into the same thing. You said you did it out 496 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:19,960 Speaker 2: of convenience, but not out of safe keeping well being, 497 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:24,040 Speaker 2: which is what isis talked about earlier, working on yourself. 498 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,120 Speaker 2: So when we have an excess strategy, when we do 499 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 2: the communication, there's less of a chance for us to 500 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 2: repeat the pattern that we were in that we're trying 501 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,160 Speaker 2: to get out of. The Other thing is so that 502 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,680 Speaker 2: we don't end up in a situation that we can't sustain. 503 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,920 Speaker 2: You call it wearing a mask and not standing in 504 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,240 Speaker 2: your truth. But as you grew and healed through this 505 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:52,120 Speaker 2: tenant homeowner situation, as you started growing and healing and seeing, 506 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 2: because that's the only way you would have known you 507 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,400 Speaker 2: had a mask on, you recognize you couldn't sustain it, 508 00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,680 Speaker 2: and so when you revealed that to her, she simply 509 00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:07,360 Speaker 2: made another choice. Yes, she made another choice. Okay, I'm 510 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:08,959 Speaker 2: not going to do I'm not willing to do this 511 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 2: for fifty dollars. Okay. So here's what I heard you say. 512 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:15,880 Speaker 2: You want to move into a new situation in a 513 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:19,880 Speaker 2: different mindset, way of being, frame of mind than you 514 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:23,719 Speaker 2: moved into this situation. So what needs to be different 515 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:27,280 Speaker 2: for you or what is different for you? 516 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:30,800 Speaker 5: What needs to be different for me? What is different 517 00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:36,280 Speaker 5: for me is I'm looking at myself, not not anything external. 518 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:40,440 Speaker 5: My mother has passed away, so has since passed away 519 00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:44,360 Speaker 5: since I've been here. So I recognize that I don't 520 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:52,440 Speaker 5: want I will be in relationships that are not similar 521 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,960 Speaker 5: that I want to be in relationships that are healthier, 522 00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 5: that are not I mean, there are just where I 523 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:07,080 Speaker 5: can be free to be Diane, the creative Diane. That's 524 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:08,760 Speaker 5: that's what That's who I am, and I want to 525 00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:13,360 Speaker 5: be able to express that and be that and embrace 526 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,440 Speaker 5: it without repercussion. 527 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:21,520 Speaker 2: Okay, So you want to be an authentic relationships and 528 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:33,080 Speaker 2: help me understand how a tenant homeowner situation or tenant 529 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 2: landlord whatever it's going to be situation. Why you wouldn't 530 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:38,440 Speaker 2: be authentic in. 531 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,920 Speaker 5: That because how it started. As a salesperson, I have 532 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:45,680 Speaker 5: to be I had to be performative one in terms 533 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:48,680 Speaker 5: of I had to sell the tub. So I was 534 00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:52,000 Speaker 5: coming back because she had I thought she had referrals. 535 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:55,520 Speaker 5: So you know, we went to Goodwill, but I was 536 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,520 Speaker 5: getting it. I was getting referrals, That's what I was doing. 537 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:04,000 Speaker 5: But yeah, so she asked me to move in, and 538 00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,720 Speaker 5: she thought that there's a relationship when it was a 539 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:12,640 Speaker 5: sales pitch. So there goes the mak and there goes 540 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 5: to the jig, doing the jig until for four years. 541 00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:22,399 Speaker 2: You know, okay, quid pro quote what you absolutely as 542 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:26,240 Speaker 2: opposed to what you what you desire, you were going 543 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,920 Speaker 2: for what you can get out of it. 544 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,640 Speaker 5: Yes, and she had a wink and a nod and 545 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,840 Speaker 5: a wing too. But I need somebody to put the 546 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:36,120 Speaker 5: trash out. I need somebody. If I dropped something, I 547 00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:39,600 Speaker 5: can't pick it up that I need somebody to do that. 548 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:42,279 Speaker 5: So it was a wink and a nod on both or 549 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:44,040 Speaker 5: I'll just have to say on my side. I can 550 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,200 Speaker 5: say on my side, but I suspect on her side 551 00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:50,439 Speaker 5: as well, but then it's just too costly for me. Now, 552 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:52,719 Speaker 5: I don't want to do this. You know. I my 553 00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:54,960 Speaker 5: mother passed. I didn't have to. I didn't do it. 554 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,520 Speaker 5: I didn't no longer was I had to do it 555 00:34:57,560 --> 00:35:01,640 Speaker 5: with her anymore, even though I could have not done 556 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:05,040 Speaker 5: it before she passed. But I didn't have to experience 557 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,480 Speaker 5: that anymore, and so I didn't want to experience in 558 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:09,880 Speaker 5: another relationships anymore. 559 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:14,919 Speaker 2: Here, I know Sierra has to go. Are you still 560 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:20,239 Speaker 2: with us? Sierra? Yeah, okay, okay, I know you have 561 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:22,319 Speaker 2: to go. So are there any final words you have 562 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,400 Speaker 2: for Diane before she before you take your leave? 563 00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:29,920 Speaker 4: Yes? Thank you so much Diane for sharing this story. 564 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,080 Speaker 4: I know you know this is going to help a 565 00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:35,239 Speaker 4: lot of people that are in this situation, believe or now, 566 00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:38,840 Speaker 4: there's so many people that struggle with this same situation 567 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,000 Speaker 4: that you brought up. But I commend you for your strength, 568 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:45,600 Speaker 4: for your courage, and just for being your true self 569 00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:48,960 Speaker 4: and being as assert up as possible to really communicate 570 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,440 Speaker 4: your needs and wants and try to talk. 571 00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:53,200 Speaker 3: Through these difficult times. 572 00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:57,080 Speaker 5: Thank you, Thank. 573 00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,640 Speaker 2: You, thank you. Sierra. I know you have to run. 574 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 2: We've got lots more to talk about and we're going 575 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:19,960 Speaker 2: to do that when we come back. Welcome back to 576 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:24,040 Speaker 2: the R spot. Today we are talking about an exit strategy. 577 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:27,080 Speaker 2: Isis I know that you're with us. Is there any 578 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:31,160 Speaker 2: support insight that you would like to offer Diane? Because 579 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:35,120 Speaker 2: she's she's getting ready to move? Have you moved yet? Diane? 580 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,239 Speaker 2: Are you getting ready to move? 581 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:41,200 Speaker 5: I'm getting ready to move. I did put a safety nay, 582 00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:44,000 Speaker 5: I did a sixty day notice requirement in the lease. 583 00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:46,880 Speaker 5: I wrote wrote that into the lease. Okay, get myself 584 00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:49,840 Speaker 5: more time so she won't be She's leaving at the 585 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:51,480 Speaker 5: end of this month. I'm leaving at the end of 586 00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:56,400 Speaker 5: next month. I have that safety not thing here by myself. 587 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:03,279 Speaker 3: Good good, Yeah, First band, are you going to be 588 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:06,480 Speaker 3: moving alone or you're moving in with someone else? 589 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:11,520 Speaker 5: I'm going to be moving alone. I'm actually moving to Vietnam, 590 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:15,640 Speaker 5: So I'm moving alone Vietnam. 591 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,840 Speaker 2: How you how'd you get to Vietnam? 592 00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:22,160 Speaker 5: I live in Southeast Asia. I used to live in 593 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,919 Speaker 5: Southeast Asia, and I was going to get a job 594 00:37:25,960 --> 00:37:30,000 Speaker 5: in Vietnam, but then COVID came. So I'm going to 595 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,719 Speaker 5: go go there now, you know after I leave here. 596 00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:39,600 Speaker 2: Hold up, it's an opportuity. Wait a minute, hold on, 597 00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:42,479 Speaker 2: we talk about it strategy. Maybe we need to talk 598 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:46,160 Speaker 2: about maybe we need to talk about an entrance strategy. 599 00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:49,399 Speaker 2: You said you're going there and you're going to get 600 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,720 Speaker 2: a job, So you don't have a job in Vietnam, No. 601 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,440 Speaker 5: I am, I am my, No, I don't have a 602 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,640 Speaker 5: job in Vietnam, but it will be easy for me 603 00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:01,279 Speaker 5: to to get one into stayed myself for a long 604 00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,799 Speaker 5: time there. When I say a long time, I could 605 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:08,239 Speaker 5: stay myself for ten years in Vietnam, but I will 606 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:09,200 Speaker 5: get a job there. 607 00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,200 Speaker 3: So have you envisioned yourself with this job and being 608 00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:17,960 Speaker 3: successful in whatever that means for you in Vietnam? 609 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,400 Speaker 5: Yes, yes, I've lived in Sweden, I've lived in Brunei, 610 00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:25,279 Speaker 5: Southeast Asia. So I'm an emergency manager and planner. So 611 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:30,240 Speaker 5: I've been all around the world in nineteen countries. So 612 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:35,640 Speaker 5: that's one I chose, I did the research on, and 613 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:37,240 Speaker 5: I've been wanting. 614 00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,960 Speaker 3: So the reason why I asked, did you envision yourself 615 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,839 Speaker 3: being successful there? Were having a job and a home 616 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:47,600 Speaker 3: and being happy because you were at your mom's house 617 00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:50,600 Speaker 3: where it didn't seem like you had much goals for 618 00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:56,759 Speaker 3: yourself to then transfer over to the roommate ten a 619 00:38:56,960 --> 00:39:02,400 Speaker 3: situation to now this woman kind of you know, making 620 00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:07,320 Speaker 3: a pivoting on you. Like that's what I just kept hearing, 621 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:11,160 Speaker 3: a pattern of you not really like setting goals for yourself, 622 00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:13,400 Speaker 3: like where do you see your future? It's kind of 623 00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:17,359 Speaker 3: like you don't have a plan for yourself, so an 624 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,799 Speaker 3: exiting plan can be difficult for you. So that's why 625 00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:23,799 Speaker 3: I'm asking when you get to Vietnam, like do you 626 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:26,719 Speaker 3: have a plan? Because it seems from what I hear 627 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,480 Speaker 3: is a pattern of not really having a plan. 628 00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:33,200 Speaker 5: Well, I'm an emergency manager, so I try I pick 629 00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:35,200 Speaker 5: up and travel for different locations. 630 00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,239 Speaker 3: When you go there, do you like, where do you 631 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:40,759 Speaker 3: see your future? Like what will what will be the 632 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:43,279 Speaker 3: rainbow at the end for you? 633 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:47,359 Speaker 5: Okay, it will be creating a sense of community. One, 634 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:52,600 Speaker 5: I will rent a place. I can teach teach English 635 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,799 Speaker 5: first so I can get to permit. Then I'll rent 636 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:59,080 Speaker 5: a place and I can do Airbnb on that level, 637 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:04,520 Speaker 5: and also do traveling English with those in who either 638 00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:07,600 Speaker 5: from the school, getting referred from the school or to 639 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:12,400 Speaker 5: get backing on the school from the school for traveling 640 00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:15,680 Speaker 5: English classes for the locals. 641 00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:20,120 Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I think what I'm hearing here is that 642 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:24,120 Speaker 2: having an exit strategy is not the same thing as 643 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:28,040 Speaker 2: a need to escape, because when you are trying to escape, 644 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:31,239 Speaker 2: you will be reacting and you'll be running, and there's 645 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,800 Speaker 2: no need for planning in there. You don't have time 646 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:37,719 Speaker 2: for planning. You are trying to escape that may not 647 00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,840 Speaker 2: turn out well for you. So understand that an exit 648 00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:46,520 Speaker 2: strategy is not the same thing as a way to escape. 649 00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:51,000 Speaker 2: You're not just exiting a tenant homeowner situation. You exit 650 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:55,719 Speaker 2: in a country. And the thing that I find interesting 651 00:40:56,280 --> 00:41:00,120 Speaker 2: is that, yeah, as that you know, if you you 652 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:07,520 Speaker 2: sound like your expertise is in emergency management, which is 653 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:12,200 Speaker 2: about reacting to what shows up as opposed to planning 654 00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:17,200 Speaker 2: it and standing in it. So I want to know 655 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:19,640 Speaker 2: when you get to Vietnam, when you fly over there, 656 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:27,480 Speaker 2: are you flying business or or or economy? How you 657 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:29,960 Speaker 2: fly it? I want to know how you getting out 658 00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:35,319 Speaker 2: or what right? How you getting out of here? Did 659 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:37,800 Speaker 2: you get a business that just spring for a business ticket? 660 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,440 Speaker 5: I think I have enough points for business? 661 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:45,000 Speaker 2: So okay, all right, So you and then where you're 662 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,439 Speaker 2: gonna go the first night, where you're gonna be, where 663 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:48,120 Speaker 2: you're gonna sleep. 664 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,560 Speaker 5: I'm going to sleep in one of the Hilton hotels 665 00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,800 Speaker 5: because I have enough points to stay in the hotel hotels. 666 00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:58,880 Speaker 2: Don't you love a Hilton point? I do so love 667 00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:03,359 Speaker 2: a Hilton Points. All right, So that's a plan. That's 668 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:07,160 Speaker 2: a plan. Use your points, use your points. But I 669 00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:11,560 Speaker 2: think what isis is saying exit with a vision because 670 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,759 Speaker 2: you said I don't want to You know, I'm trying 671 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:18,080 Speaker 2: to move into a new situation different than the one 672 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:22,040 Speaker 2: I came out of. So you're going to Vietnam business class. 673 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:25,000 Speaker 2: That means that you're going at a higher level. So 674 00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:29,440 Speaker 2: when you land on the ground in Vietnam, hold yourself 675 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:33,880 Speaker 2: to that level. Okay, you are a management manager, you 676 00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:39,280 Speaker 2: are a business person. You know how to manage emergencies 677 00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:42,759 Speaker 2: and react to needs. But now we want to live 678 00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:45,520 Speaker 2: a vision. We want to walk it out, we want 679 00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:47,399 Speaker 2: to plan it out. You sound like you have a plan. 680 00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:51,440 Speaker 2: I can. I'm going to teach English to travelers. I'm 681 00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:54,360 Speaker 2: going to work in the school. Do you know what 682 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:58,360 Speaker 2: you need to do to get your certification or whatever 683 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:03,800 Speaker 2: it is. So the bottom line is show up the 684 00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:07,359 Speaker 2: way you want to be treated. You're not coming over 685 00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:12,160 Speaker 2: there on the economy plan, you're coming over there on 686 00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:15,200 Speaker 2: the business plan. That's a little higher up. You want 687 00:43:15,239 --> 00:43:20,120 Speaker 2: to show up, And what we said earlier was ask 688 00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:24,680 Speaker 2: for what you want. Be clear about what you want 689 00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:29,000 Speaker 2: and ask for it. Don't settle for what shows up. 690 00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:32,600 Speaker 2: That's emergency living. You know, if your house burns down 691 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,080 Speaker 2: and somebody give you a beer shoes, that's two sides. 692 00:43:35,080 --> 00:43:36,600 Speaker 2: It's too big. You got to take them because you 693 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,840 Speaker 2: don't have no shoes. You're not going like that. You 694 00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:46,080 Speaker 2: understand your exit plan involves having a vision, a specific 695 00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:51,320 Speaker 2: vision that you can then enact. Do you have a 696 00:43:51,719 --> 00:43:54,600 Speaker 2: Do you have a boyfriends? You're going to get one 697 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:57,400 Speaker 2: when you get over there? Is that in the vision? 698 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,480 Speaker 2: It can be, but put everything you want in the vision. 699 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:10,200 Speaker 2: Put it all in the vision. If you're exiting the old, 700 00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:14,080 Speaker 2: create a vision that has everything new that you want. 701 00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:16,520 Speaker 2: And I wish you the best, the best of luck. 702 00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:19,480 Speaker 2: It sounds like you've stood up, took the mask off. 703 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:23,000 Speaker 2: You're not going over there looking for approval. You're going 704 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:26,640 Speaker 2: over there on the authentic business woman, a manager with 705 00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,400 Speaker 2: a vision for how she wants her life to unfold. 706 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,800 Speaker 2: And I wish you the best of luck. Thank you, 707 00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:37,640 Speaker 2: Thank you, And you can call us from Vietnam. Call 708 00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:39,680 Speaker 2: us when you find a little boyfriend over there. Okay, 709 00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:40,600 Speaker 2: that'd be nice thing. 710 00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:43,440 Speaker 4: Now just calling Instagram. 711 00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:48,560 Speaker 3: I have husband. I have posting notes on my wall 712 00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:51,160 Speaker 3: and it says focus on the vision. One of them 713 00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,480 Speaker 3: says I'm strong, and the other one says it's an 714 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 3: open door season. Amen. He's been with me now for 715 00:44:56,680 --> 00:45:01,440 Speaker 3: almost two years so and it's kept me so thank you. 716 00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:05,000 Speaker 2: Diane has given us some really good things to think about. 717 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:09,440 Speaker 2: Isis number one, when you create an exit plan, have 718 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:13,959 Speaker 2: a vision for the future, have a vision. You said 719 00:45:13,960 --> 00:45:16,800 Speaker 2: you had sticky notes, you had certain things that you wanted. 720 00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:19,120 Speaker 2: The other thing I heard, I think I heard you 721 00:45:19,239 --> 00:45:22,400 Speaker 2: say you were willing to sleep on a mattress for 722 00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:25,279 Speaker 2: nine months if you had to. I think when you 723 00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:29,120 Speaker 2: have an exit plan, yeah, I think when you're creating 724 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:33,040 Speaker 2: an exit plan, it's also important to be willing to 725 00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:37,480 Speaker 2: do what's necessary for a little while, because sometimes I 726 00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:41,400 Speaker 2: think people don't leave, don't move on because they want everything. 727 00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,040 Speaker 2: You know, they want their creature comforts. But you can 728 00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:49,800 Speaker 2: do anything for a little while. Anything, sleep on the mattress, 729 00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:53,640 Speaker 2: on the floor, bunk up on somebody's sofa, you and 730 00:45:53,719 --> 00:45:56,840 Speaker 2: your kids, sleeping, a sleeping back, whatever. Know that in 731 00:45:56,960 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 2: your exit plan, be willing to do what's necessary for 732 00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,480 Speaker 2: as long as it's necessary. Does that make sense? 733 00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,640 Speaker 3: Mencisis it does, And that's exactly what I did. That's 734 00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:11,080 Speaker 3: exactly what I did, and that makes sense, And it's 735 00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:13,680 Speaker 3: okay to do it. It's the best thing. 736 00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:14,000 Speaker 2: To do it. 737 00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:16,680 Speaker 3: And know that God is always with you when you 738 00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:17,279 Speaker 3: doing it. 739 00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:22,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, We've got lots more to talk about in terms 740 00:46:22,239 --> 00:46:25,239 Speaker 2: of creating an exit strategy and what it is and 741 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:27,239 Speaker 2: how to do it and how you implement it. So 742 00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:29,760 Speaker 2: you know what. This is going to be a two parter, 743 00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:34,080 Speaker 2: two parter. We'll be back next week and continue the 744 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:39,920 Speaker 2: conversation about exit strategies. Until then, stay in peace and 745 00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:45,400 Speaker 2: not in pieces. Fine. The R Spot is a production 746 00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:51,160 Speaker 2: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts 747 00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:56,360 Speaker 2: from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or 748 00:46:56,440 --> 00:46:58,799 Speaker 2: wherever you listen to your favorite show.