Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. First things First, according to astronomers,
Speaker 1: the Earth is actually spinning faster than ever before, and
Speaker 1: because of that, it recently set the record for the
Speaker 1: shortest day ever. Yeah, June was apparently one point five
Speaker 1: nine milliseconds shorter than a normal day. Yeah, and that's
Speaker 1: how you know things are going bad. Even though Earth
Speaker 1: is like, all right, let's wrap this up, let's go,
Speaker 1: let's go, let's keep things moving. Let's keep things going
Speaker 1: one point five nine minute seconds faster. I mean, you
Speaker 1: do know what this means. Right, We'll get to leave
Speaker 1: work one point five nine million seconds earlier. It also
Speaker 1: gives people a great excuse if they get pulled over.
Speaker 1: It's like, sure, if you've been drinking, the Earth is springing,
Speaker 1: super Man is making me dizzy? Man, then why aren't
Speaker 1: we all dizzy? I'm doing drunk jay? That questude. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: in environmental news, a man in Utah has been arrested
Speaker 1: for accidentally starting a sixty acre wildfire while trying to
Speaker 1: burn a spider with a cigarette lights. And yes, this
Speaker 1: sounds terrible, but I bet that spider learned his lesson.
Speaker 1: You've learned that spider in Entertainment News, Brad Pitt wore
Speaker 1: a skirt to his latest movie premiere, and when he
Speaker 1: was asked why he did it, he said, quote, we're
Speaker 1: all going to die, so let's just have some fun
Speaker 1: before we get out. Yeah, and I I love that.
Speaker 1: What an inspirational way to say. It's laundry day. It's
Speaker 1: also been like two hundred degrees outside every day. The
Speaker 1: question isn't why is Brad Pitt wearing a skirt? It's
Speaker 1: why isn't every guy wearing a skirt? You're kidding me
Speaker 1: if you fell out hearted about there, the fabric on
Speaker 1: both sides, everything is cooped up. You walk outside and
Speaker 1: you you would spend five minutes in this weather. Before
Speaker 1: you know what, you're walking around with two lightly poached
Speaker 1: eggs in your pants. I canna let a breathe. Oh oh,
Speaker 1: this is okay. This is a wild story and travel news.
Speaker 1: Airbnb has announced that it will no longer allow people
Speaker 1: to list former slave cabins as vacation rentals after one
Speaker 1: listing caused an uproar online. And this must be one
Speaker 1: of those things that's probably white people. I mean no,
Speaker 1: because as a black person, there's no way I'm vacationing
Speaker 1: in a slave cabin. I don't care if it's a
Speaker 1: former slave cabin. I don't care if it's renovated. There's
Speaker 1: no black person's like, yeah, this is where I want
Speaker 1: to spend my vacation. So good for ABNB. I will
Speaker 1: say this, if I owned a B and B, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't cancel these listings. I would say, yeah, you can
Speaker 1: stay there if you want, but you're gonna have to
Speaker 1: have the real experience. Yeah, to surprise those people, bodge
Speaker 1: into the cabinet six and I'm like, here's your bass.
Speaker 1: Get fun at up WI your way. I guess wanted
Speaker 1: is see what it was like. Well, now you're seeing.
Speaker 1: But anyway, let's move on to some of the bigger
Speaker 1: new stories of the day. First up, yesterday, we had
Speaker 1: another round of primary elections in America, and I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna say this, this country has too many elections. All right.
Speaker 1: Every week it's like it's time to vote. But we
Speaker 1: voted last week. Now that was the vote to vote
Speaker 1: for who we're voting for this week. Then we'll vote
Speaker 1: on when we'll vote for the next vote. Vote vote, vote, vote, vote,
Speaker 1: vote vote vote. So let's check in on the results
Speaker 1: of these votes in our ongoing coverage of Vote DEMI.
Speaker 1: So last night was a very good night for Donald
Speaker 1: Jigney puff Trump. In Michigan, his candidate defeats in a
Speaker 1: Republican who votes to impeach him. In Arizona, his candidates
Speaker 1: won the primaries for Senate and secretary of state. And
Speaker 1: in Missouri, the eric he endorsed beat the other eric
Speaker 1: that he endorsed. Was the best night for Trump he's
Speaker 1: had that didn't end with someone signing an NDA. And
Speaker 1: these Arizona races could have national implications because these Republicans,
Speaker 1: you have to understand, the ones who are winning now,
Speaker 1: they all believe in crazy conspiracy theories about Biden stealing
Speaker 1: the election. In so if they win the final races,
Speaker 1: they could end up in charge of counting the votes
Speaker 1: in I don't know about you, but I know for
Speaker 1: certain I do not trust them with that job. Can
Speaker 1: you imagine what will be like? All right, another vote,
Speaker 1: another vote for Trump, that's a Trump vote. That's another
Speaker 1: that's a Trump. Yeah, I saw that that was Trump.
Speaker 1: What you're doing there, that's not Yeah, that's not I'm
Speaker 1: counting that's Trump as well. Yeah, put it in. But
Speaker 1: that's it Trump again? What what what would look at
Speaker 1: that that person spent Trump rock? He said, b I
Speaker 1: DA and that's not yet spell Trump what they spell
Speaker 1: there wrong? That's all right? What's the final chaly? What
Speaker 1: that Trump won? Brazilian Biden minus Chad. I think I
Speaker 1: did a good job. Don't shadowy warning now there is
Speaker 1: there is some good news other than the Trump virus
Speaker 1: spreading through the Republican Party like Vetna. Last night was
Speaker 1: actually a really good night for anyone who believes a
Speaker 1: woman should ever right to choose what happens in her
Speaker 1: own body. And it's all thanks to Kansas. I'm conservative Kansas.
Speaker 1: This morning a political earthquake and a big win for
Speaker 1: abortion rights supporters. Kansas voters rejecting an amendment that would
Speaker 1: have removed abortion protections from the state constitution, in effect
Speaker 1: keeping access to the procedure there. The turnout on a
Speaker 1: hundred degree day in the middle of summer was fifty
Speaker 1: historically high. They've never seen anything like this. This is
Speaker 1: Barack Obama's numbers are state stood up and said no,
Speaker 1: We're the first ones to say no. So I'm just
Speaker 1: I'm overjoyed. Wow, Kansas, amazing, absolutely amazing. Congratulations Kansas. It's
Speaker 1: moments like these I wish I knew which one of
Speaker 1: these states you were, But either way, congratulations for real though,
Speaker 1: for real, this is a huge pro choice victory, and
Speaker 1: it's especially amazing that it happened in Kansas, a state
Speaker 1: so read that Trump wanted by fourteen points. Yeah, no
Speaker 1: one expected this. This was a bigger shock than when
Speaker 1: bat Girl found out that her real nemesis of the
Speaker 1: CEO of Warner Brothers. And this is where you realize.
Speaker 1: This is where you realize as well, the anti abortion
Speaker 1: views of right wing lawmakers and some people on the
Speaker 1: Supreme Court. They don't mirror what actual Americans wants. All right.
Speaker 1: It's not not cure and that's a huge problem in
Speaker 1: this country. It's like letting the craziest dude in your
Speaker 1: friend group plan your bachelor party. You're gonna be like,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to play beer pong. How did we
Speaker 1: end up in a Bangkok present? Not cool? Samuel oh In,
Speaker 1: speaking of earth shattering news, Beyonce is changing her album again. Yeah. First,
Speaker 1: she took out the words spas from a song because
Speaker 1: some people complained that it was a blest a right.
Speaker 1: And now she's removing a sample from one of her
Speaker 1: other songs because Kellyes complained that she didn't get any
Speaker 1: credit from it. And look, I get what Beyonce is doing.
Speaker 1: It's very nice, but I also should point out this
Speaker 1: could turn into a major disaster because you realize now,
Speaker 1: depending on when you listen to the album, you could
Speaker 1: be hearing completely different songs. Yeah, it's just gonna change.
Speaker 1: You don't even know what the thing is gonna be.
Speaker 1: Like I heard you Won't Break by Soul and someone
Speaker 1: else just like you won't score rag goal someone. I
Speaker 1: was like, someone check this mole. You don't know. Can
Speaker 1: you imagine the chaos? Who's gonna cause? Yeah, the next
Speaker 1: time you gotta Beyonce concert, Beyonce is gonna be like
Speaker 1: everyone's sing along. We're gonn be like wat which truasure.
Speaker 1: Oh and because Beyonce is now taking requests, Monica Lewinsky
Speaker 1: sent out a tweet basically saying, what about removing her
Speaker 1: name in one of Beyonce's old songs Partition? All Right,
Speaker 1: it's a song where Beyonce saying he Monica Lewinsky or
Speaker 1: on my gown? Yeah? And I mean I think we
Speaker 1: can all see why Monica wouldn't want that in the song,
Speaker 1: and for me personally, I also think Beyonce should change
Speaker 1: in the song because it's not right technically. It should
Speaker 1: be he Bill Clinton on my gown because that's the
Speaker 1: guy who did all the jizzy. You gotta remember who
Speaker 1: did the thing. I'm not saying Beyonce did anything wrong.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, Beyonce, you have to understand with the
Speaker 1: way American school's teach history, your songs might be the
Speaker 1: only way children learned. It needs to be accurate. Bontic
Speaker 1: is so, whether you agree with it or not, Beyonce
Speaker 1: has made her choice and good for her. In fact,
Speaker 1: you know what I think they should say. Some answers
Speaker 1: have to be forced to do it. Beyonce was nice.
Speaker 1: Some answers have to be forced, like R Kelly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: part of his sentence should be that he has to
Speaker 1: go back and redo all of his old songs because
Speaker 1: age is not just the number. Yeah, we're back in
Speaker 1: the studio. My mind's telling me no, and not my
Speaker 1: body understands why it's a no. My body completely understands.
Speaker 1: My body completely understands how at Speaking of people who
Speaker 1: wish they could go back and change the past. Alex Jones,
Speaker 1: far right wing commentator and man who makes Donald Trump
Speaker 1: look like a reasonable human being, is currently on trial
Speaker 1: for spreading lies about the Sandy Hook shooting rights saying
Speaker 1: that it was all a hoax. And today in the trial,
Speaker 1: one of the funniest moments came when he found out
Speaker 1: that his inept lawyer had screwed up and sent the
Speaker 1: prosecution evidence that proved Alex Jones committed perjury. Mr Jones,
Speaker 1: did you know that twelve days ago, twelve days ago,
Speaker 1: your attorney's messed up and sitting an entire digital copy
Speaker 1: of your entire cell phone with every text message you've
Speaker 1: sent for the past two years, and when informed, did
Speaker 1: not take any steps to identify it as privilege or
Speaker 1: protected in any way. And as of two days ago,
Speaker 1: it felt free and clear into my possession. And that
Speaker 1: is how I know you lied to me when you
Speaker 1: said you didn't have text messages about Samuel? Did you
Speaker 1: know that? I mean, I was mistaken. I was mistaken,
Speaker 1: but you you got the message. I mean, I'm not
Speaker 1: a tech guy. I told you I gave in my
Speaker 1: text phoney the phone to the lawyers before or whatever,
Speaker 1: and and showing you got my phone, but we didn't
Speaker 1: give it to you. Now, Mr Jones, Oh ship that
Speaker 1: looks funny. Oh man? I like, obviously he was sort
Speaker 1: of shocked. He started turning into every emoji he was like.
Speaker 1: At one point, he even tried to give himself COVID.
Speaker 1: Do you see that I can't speak? You know, the disease?
Speaker 1: I said, it's fake. Yeah, I got it. I've got it. Now,
Speaker 1: I got it. You know you're in trouble when the
Speaker 1: truth chokes you up, like you want an episode of
Speaker 1: Hot Ones, you know with those spicy wings. Is like,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, what did I sorry? Ha ha? But you realize,
Speaker 1: you realize this moment. This moment is huge, right because
Speaker 1: it shows that Alex Jone's probably committed perjury, which means
Speaker 1: Alex Jones lies about stuff. Yeah. I know that's shocking
Speaker 1: because now I'm starting to wonder, does that mean camp
Speaker 1: trails from planes aren't turning the frogs game? Was that
Speaker 1: also a lie? By the way, where did you get that? Lawyer?
Speaker 1: We just we just talking about that because you see
Speaker 1: how the lawyers are sitting there like blah blah blah whatever.
Speaker 1: I would love to be there for that classic lawyer
Speaker 1: clan conversation during recess and we're just standing together. So
Speaker 1: how do you think it's going. It's like, well, apart
Speaker 1: from the fact that I this whole thing up worse
Speaker 1: than any lawyer in history, I think we shall have
Speaker 1: a shot. I think we shall have a shot. First
Speaker 1: of all, congratulations to someone out there for winning one
Speaker 1: point three billion dollars in the Megamillions lotzo did you
Speaker 1: boo oo? I don't know what that sound was. It's
Speaker 1: the biggest lottery payout ever to a single winner. And
Speaker 1: it's wild to me that we just gave a billion
Speaker 1: dollars to someone who has proven that they're bad with money.
Speaker 1: Why are you playing the lottery? It's a terrible investment
Speaker 1: unless you win. Now, because Illinois has a law allowing
Speaker 1: lottery winners to remain anonymous, we might never know who
Speaker 1: won this money. But I will say this, if your
Speaker 1: next door neighbor comes to your cookout in a private jet,
Speaker 1: it's probably them or Kaylie Jenna. You never know. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: in some shocking entertainment news, Beyonce isn't perfect. Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: the part where the tomato has hit me. I know,
Speaker 1: I know, well, because this more morning Um. Queen Bee
Speaker 1: said that she would remove the word spas from one
Speaker 1: of her new songs because she didn't realize that it
Speaker 1: was ablest. And if you're having a bit of deja vu,
Speaker 1: it's because this comes just a few weeks later, right,
Speaker 1: a few weeks after Lizzo had to come out and
Speaker 1: say the same thing. She had to cut the same
Speaker 1: word from a song, which honestly must be so exciting
Speaker 1: for Lizzo, Right, Yeah, she's probably like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: Beyonce sampled my standard. It's amazing. We should do a
Speaker 1: collab or like an apropology, we should do this. Oh,
Speaker 1: and there's another pop star in trouble. This is a
Speaker 1: crazy story. Shakira could be facing eight years in prison
Speaker 1: for tax fraud. Yeah. The Spanish government says that she
Speaker 1: dodged seventeen million dollars in taxes by pretending to live
Speaker 1: in the Bahamas when her real residence was in Barcelona, Bahamas, Barcelona.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it turns out you cannot claim your residence
Speaker 1: as whenever wherever. That doesn't work. It's a good lesson
Speaker 1: for everybody here. And in labor news, in labor news,
Speaker 1: this is one of the weirdest stories. Ever, a Chick
Speaker 1: fil A in North Carolina got into trouble for asking
Speaker 1: for volunteers to work the drive through window, right, And
Speaker 1: the reason it was volunteers is because instead of paying
Speaker 1: the workers, the restaurant said that it would give them
Speaker 1: five free meals for every one hour shift they worked. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I will say it, really, they'll show you how
Speaker 1: good Chick fil A is, because all of you paused
Speaker 1: for a second when I said this before getting angry.
Speaker 1: You're like, wait, what I know, No doesn't include the
Speaker 1: waffle fright, No, poo pooh. So that's what's going on
Speaker 1: a bunch of brandom things. But anyway, let's move on
Speaker 1: to some of the bigger news stories of the day,
Speaker 1: starting with an update on Joe Biden, the President, whose
Speaker 1: approval rating is going through its own recession. As you
Speaker 1: all know, the President had COVID and then recovered from
Speaker 1: it last week, but then after testing negative, the White
Speaker 1: House doctor is reporting that Biden is now testing positive
Speaker 1: again with what they call a rebound infection. It's definitely
Speaker 1: not the rebound Biden was hoping for, you know. And
Speaker 1: coming on Jacko and Consident, the poll numbers prebound. You
Speaker 1: know what, I mean, he's not built next tomorrow. So anyway,
Speaker 1: the President is back in isolation again. But the White
Speaker 1: House says, don't worry, he's feeling fine and he will
Speaker 1: be working the entire time. Although many of his supporters
Speaker 1: might not love his new project, President Biden says work
Speaker 1: can resume on former President Trump's border wall. The White
Speaker 1: House wants four gaps in the fence to be filled
Speaker 1: in near you, Arizona, we're told is one of the
Speaker 1: busiest crossings for undocumented immigrants. It's another reversal of policy
Speaker 1: for the president, who vowed not to add to his
Speaker 1: predecessor's efforts in any way on that project. There will
Speaker 1: not be another foot of wall constructed on my administration.
Speaker 1: That's right. There will be many feet of wall. Ha,
Speaker 1: gotcha four there. But yes, it looks like Joe Biden
Speaker 1: is completing Donald Trump's unfinished business. So if I was
Speaker 1: Mike Pence right now, I'd be nervous as hell. I'd
Speaker 1: be watching out, you know, you know how it's enough.
Speaker 1: What I love about the story is how Fox doesn't
Speaker 1: know what to do with these kinds of stories, right
Speaker 1: because they want the wall, but they also hate Joe Biden.
Speaker 1: You know, like, did you see what Biden is doing?
Speaker 1: He wasn't. He was against the wall, but now he's
Speaker 1: building it. I guess we have to vote for him.
Speaker 1: How does this work? But you do have to admit
Speaker 1: it is confusing, right because Biden, he spent what four
Speaker 1: years railing against the wall. He was like, this wall
Speaker 1: is fascist, is racist, and it's un American. And now
Speaker 1: we're gonna have it. Patch it up in no time, folks,
Speaker 1: We're gonna fix up this wall. We're gonna fix it
Speaker 1: all up now. Okay. The reason the reason the Biden
Speaker 1: administration gave for building Trump's wall in these sections of
Speaker 1: Arizona is because they saying it's dangerous for migrants to
Speaker 1: cross the river there, right, and so they want to
Speaker 1: put up a wall to stop the people from crossing,
Speaker 1: which you have to admit is a little weird because
Speaker 1: now they're saying that walls do stop people from crossing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but they're only doing it here because they want to
Speaker 1: make it safer, right, because the river is super dangerous,
Speaker 1: so they want people to try cross here other parts.
Speaker 1: I guess, although if you really wanted to make crossing
Speaker 1: a river safer, then why wouldn't you just build a
Speaker 1: bridge instead of matting the walls. None of them makes sense.
Speaker 1: That none of them makes sense. You know why. Why
Speaker 1: Because it's bullshit, that's why. Yeah, it doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1: And look, I can't say it for certain, but it
Speaker 1: seems like the only reason they're building a wall in
Speaker 1: these sections is because these sections could affect Democratic Senator
Speaker 1: Mark Kelly, who's running for re election in arrow Zona,
Speaker 1: and he's been pushing for these sections to be filled.
Speaker 1: Right when you see it through that lens, it makes
Speaker 1: a lot more sense. Migrants sneaking into Arizona, that's whatever,
Speaker 1: But Republicans sneaking into the Senate. You gotta shut that
Speaker 1: shipped down. And either way, either way, I hope because
Speaker 1: he's one of those things that can bring America together.
Speaker 1: You know, this is one of those moments where people
Speaker 1: can unite because when you think about a Trump and
Speaker 1: Biden have more in common than we think. They both
Speaker 1: want the wool filled in, they both have shady sons,
Speaker 1: and they both have close companions who require annual Rabies shots.
Speaker 1: It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to see tried and and Trump. Oh,
Speaker 1: speaking of Trump, the Tangerine Dream is back in the
Speaker 1: news and yet another scandal, because this is one of
Speaker 1: the wildest things ever because remember how his wife, Ivana
Speaker 1: passed away, right, really sad stories passed away. Well, it's
Speaker 1: runs out the Donald may have managed to turn even
Speaker 1: that into a scam. Ivana Trump, the first wife of
Speaker 1: President Trump, has been laid to rest in an unusual
Speaker 1: location near the first hole at President Trump's golf club
Speaker 1: in Bedminster, New Jersey. The reason is unclear, but according
Speaker 1: to Insider, operating a cemetery on the golf course will
Speaker 1: allow President Trump to avoid paying taxes on the land.
Speaker 1: Wow wow, wow, wow wow. A lot of people say
Speaker 1: I'll pay taxes over my dead body. Trump means it
Speaker 1: for someone else's body. And even for him, this feels
Speaker 1: like a step too far. I don't care what anyone
Speaker 1: says like I. I wouldn't even laugh at that as
Speaker 1: a joke. If someone said to me Donald Trump's ex
Speaker 1: wife died, He's probably gonna bury her on his golf
Speaker 1: course to save on taxes. I'll be like, Yo, that's
Speaker 1: not cool, man, that's not cool. But it turns out
Speaker 1: Trump was like, wait, wait, say more, shame more. Gonna
Speaker 1: send this to my account and keep going what halready
Speaker 1: showed you. It's how strange the tax system can be. Like,
Speaker 1: all this tax break does is incentivized you to be
Speaker 1: a weirdo who came up with this. It always feels
Speaker 1: like the law was written by a serial killers, just
Speaker 1: like there should be a law that if you bury
Speaker 1: a body in your yard, you don't have to pay
Speaker 1: taxes anymore. I was like, yeah, the the senator whose
Speaker 1: interns keep disappearing makes a good point. The motion passes,
Speaker 1: good point. Good point, that's ridiculous. A passenger on a
Speaker 1: flight from Bali to Australia was fined more than eight
Speaker 1: dollars for having to undeclared egg mcmuffins in their luggage,
Speaker 1: and honestly, I don't know if they'll be able to
Speaker 1: pay for that, You know, no, because I mean the
Speaker 1: type of person who saves egg mcmuffins for later probably
Speaker 1: doesn't plan and has eight under lying around for fives
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. But apparently Australia is very
Speaker 1: concerned about bringing in food from Indonesia because there's an
Speaker 1: outbreak of foot and mouth disease and that's why they're
Speaker 1: being really strict. And when I saw this was like damn.
Speaker 1: Do you know how poisonous you gotta be to get
Speaker 1: banned from Australia. Yeah, their border patrol is like, oh,
Speaker 1: pets and night, come on, three kill a spiders right
Speaker 1: this right, egg McMuffin, I could hurt someone, Mike, that
Speaker 1: can really hurt someone. In sports news, the head of
Speaker 1: the Saudi Arabian Golf Tour revealed today that Tiger Woods
Speaker 1: turned down a seven hundred million dollar offer to play
Speaker 1: for their league. Yeah, turned it down. They have colos
Speaker 1: inside the woods. That is that is really amazing. All
Speaker 1: these other golfers just taking the money from Saudi Arabia,
Speaker 1: you know, but Tigers stood up. It's like, no, I
Speaker 1: would do the same thing. In fact, Saudi Arabia offered
Speaker 1: me that's seven ound million. Yeah, you'll see. Just putting
Speaker 1: my bank account, you'll see what I'll do and the
Speaker 1: rest of you won't se me again. You'll see. Oh,
Speaker 1: here's something fascinating. Here's something. A major new study of
Speaker 1: seventy two million people has found that poor children are
Speaker 1: much more likely to move up the economic ladder if
Speaker 1: they have friends who are rich. Yeah, I know, which
Speaker 1: seems kind of obvious, you know, I mean, I feel
Speaker 1: like they didn't need you to do a whole study.
Speaker 1: They could have just watched fresh prints. But still now
Speaker 1: we know statistically that poor kids do better with rich friends,
Speaker 1: which shows you why it's so important to have different
Speaker 1: zoning when it comes to housing. To have schools that
Speaker 1: are integrated, you know, gets people on the same trajectory.
Speaker 1: I mean, on the downside, it also means that you
Speaker 1: have some kids coming back demanding weird snacks. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like, what daddy's here? Now? It has purshoot a
Speaker 1: rapman of Mars, Like, well, Theodore sounds like a little bit. Now,
Speaker 1: eat your cheese stick. But anyway, anyway, let's move on
Speaker 1: to the big news of the day, because there's a
Speaker 1: lot of it, a lot of news, starting with China,
Speaker 1: the original build the world country. Since j Jan Pin
Speaker 1: roaster power in the communist regime has steadily been increasing
Speaker 1: its influence around the world. Right They've been advancing into Africa,
Speaker 1: They've been claiming territory and disputed waters, and most importantly,
Speaker 1: creating the perfect algorithm to get us all hooked on
Speaker 1: pink sauce. But one thing China wants more than anything
Speaker 1: is for the world to acknowledge that they own Taiwan,
Speaker 1: which is why they've gotten super piste off at where
Speaker 1: Nancy Pelosi just booked her Expedia trip. How Speaker Nancy
Speaker 1: Pelosi has arrived in Taiwan. The speaker arriving just really
Speaker 1: moments ago for a visit which has been controversial and
Speaker 1: speculated about four weeks now. She says that the Congressional
Speaker 1: delegations visit is part of the unwavering commitment to support
Speaker 1: Taiwan's vibrant democracy. In the past few days, China launching
Speaker 1: the most aggressive military exercises in twenty five years, accusing
Speaker 1: the US of interfering in its internal affairs. Chinese President
Speaker 1: she Jimping warrened President Biden in a call last week
Speaker 1: about the US meddling in the contested territory, with Chinese
Speaker 1: officials reportedly communicating those who play with fire will perish
Speaker 1: by it. Two weeks ago, President Biden had Warren the
Speaker 1: US military did not want Pelosi to go. I think
Speaker 1: that the military thinks it's not a good idea right now. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would agree. Now it's not a great time to
Speaker 1: start World War three. I mean the world has so
Speaker 1: many other things to deal with right now. All the
Speaker 1: drama on Love Island. You know, I can't believe that
Speaker 1: it cans. You ended up with David? Are you serious?
Speaker 1: And it's crazy that Pelosi just ignored Biden like that. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean I assume she ignored him. Maybe she just
Speaker 1: couldn't understand him. Yeah. He was like, listen, Jack, don't
Speaker 1: skip ahead over the town on the Taiwan he is.
Speaker 1: I mean, come on, man, went in here in American
Speaker 1: you read me, Skip on it. She's like, you got
Speaker 1: a Joe, I'm on my way. No. So now, because
Speaker 1: Pelosi has defied Chinese warnings not to visit Taiwan, the
Speaker 1: Chinese government is conducting military exercises in Taiwan's backyard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: which is a scary escalation. But at the same time,
Speaker 1: when you think about it, it's also kind of ridiculous.
Speaker 1: The countries do this. You know, they fly their planes,
Speaker 1: passed in their guns, but they don't shoot. It's scary,
Speaker 1: but it's also ridiculous. You know, it's like threatening someone
Speaker 1: by standing outside their house. Jelly, you want to mess
Speaker 1: with me, look at what I'm capable of. Imagine this
Speaker 1: is your face. Yeah, think about what you did. But
Speaker 1: let's move on from the war America may be about
Speaker 1: to start to the one it is still trying to finish.
Speaker 1: The war on terror, as you know, it started on
Speaker 1: September eleventh, two when the Twin Towers were destroyed by
Speaker 1: George W. Bush. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding,
Speaker 1: I'm kidding. It was Dick Cheney. No, I'm no, No,
Speaker 1: I'm no, it was al Cada. It was al Cada.
Speaker 1: And the plotters of the attack included Osama bin Laden,
Speaker 1: Khalid Sheik Mohammed, and i'm An al Zawahiri. And America
Speaker 1: swore revenge, and over the next twenty years, America killed
Speaker 1: Bin Laden, captured Sheik Mohammed, invaded Afghanistan, invaded Iraq, bombed Pakistan, Syria, Yemen,
Speaker 1: Somalia and Libya, deployed troops to Marley, Kenya and Nigeria,
Speaker 1: and completely obliterated the big shampoo bottle industry only tiny
Speaker 1: bottles for you. But in that whole time, the US
Speaker 1: never managed to find Amen al Zawahiri. Until yesterday, the
Speaker 1: US has now killed the world's top terror target. More
Speaker 1: than twenty years after nine eleven, The hunt for bin
Speaker 1: Laden's number two is now over. He has been in
Speaker 1: hiding for more than twenty years, one of the world's
Speaker 1: most wanted terrorists. But tonight the United States finally caught
Speaker 1: up with I'm in al Zawahi. Just this has been
Speaker 1: delivered and this terrace leader is no more. Senior officials
Speaker 1: say the US government used an unmanned drone and health
Speaker 1: fire missiles to target the third floor balcony of a
Speaker 1: residential apartment building in downtown Cobble. Experts say health fire
Speaker 1: missiles do not explode. Instead, the missiles are equipped with
Speaker 1: razor leg blades extending from the fuselage which slice through
Speaker 1: a target, so it will go through and essentially vaporized
Speaker 1: by human body, but somebody standing within sheat of this
Speaker 1: person would not be injured at all. A senior administration
Speaker 1: officials saying authorities spent months identifying Alswari's patterns to avoid
Speaker 1: civilian casualties. Strike was so precise from a drone it
Speaker 1: killed him on a balcony without harming any family members
Speaker 1: in the building. God damn America. The walls most wanted
Speaker 1: terrorist off of his safe house balcony. I mean, also
Speaker 1: at this point, maybe we should stop calling them safe houses.
Speaker 1: Every terrorist gets killed in a safe house. They should
Speaker 1: they should call it a house that you think you're
Speaker 1: safe in, but you never know. What's crazy is that
Speaker 1: America didn't just kill him. They killed him with a
Speaker 1: razor blade missile, which I didn't even know it was
Speaker 1: a thing, did you. I don't know. The weapons America
Speaker 1: has sound like things that kids just make up on
Speaker 1: the playground. I'm shooting you with a laser. Guy didn't
Speaker 1: miss out with razor blades and the sharks body. I mean,
Speaker 1: while the CIA is up in the tree, like with
Speaker 1: the sharks body, you get that. Boys, we gotta go
Speaker 1: make one of those raisor blade missile that's experienced especially
Speaker 1: genius because like if it hits, you kill the target.
Speaker 1: But even if it misses him by a little he
Speaker 1: gets like a really shitty haircut, and that's just as good.
Speaker 1: No one's gonna be loyal to a guy with the
Speaker 1: bowl cuts, I will say, though, I will say, you know,
Speaker 1: when you see stories like this, you see stories about
Speaker 1: what America is capable off. This is where you realize
Speaker 1: there's really no excuse for the amount of domestic terrorism
Speaker 1: in am America. Right because Zoaheri Zoaheri lived all the
Speaker 1: way in Afghanistan, right in some random safe house in
Speaker 1: the middle of nowhere. And America knew what time of
Speaker 1: day he liked to go out onto his balcony. But
Speaker 1: when a white supremacist post on Facebook that he's gonna
Speaker 1: murder everyone and then buys an Era fifteen, Everyone's like, oh,
Speaker 1: there was no way to stop there. Oh if only
Speaker 1: he liked balconies right. And I know some people are saying, oh,
Speaker 1: who cares America killed Elkata's leader, but Elkada isn't even
Speaker 1: in the game anymore. They're like taking out Tom from
Speaker 1: my space. That's not the points. The point is America
Speaker 1: never forgets unless it's slavery, but everything else America never forgets.
Speaker 1: He thought it was over, America came back. America's a
Speaker 1: kid who never stopped playing high and see decades of
Speaker 1: the game is done. Yeah, you're at a retirement party
Speaker 1: giving a speech in America pops up behind you like,
Speaker 1: sound you bitch, come with my grandkids. Not anymore. Still, though,
Speaker 1: this is like one hell of a strike. They got
Speaker 1: him with a missile. I'm still stuck on this. A
Speaker 1: missile filled with swords. This is how I know I'm
Speaker 1: not cut out for the war room and like all
Speaker 1: of the things you need to just commander in chief,
Speaker 1: all these I know if I was in that room,
Speaker 1: I would not have been able to keep my cool
Speaker 1: in there, all right, talking to quiet, Mr President? They
Speaker 1: say contact and three two one? Oh ship God damn? Oh?
Speaker 1: How did you say? The swords and stuffing coming out
Speaker 1: of it? Oh, there's like fruit ninja. How are you
Speaker 1: watching this? How's everybody's watching this? You're not even gonna flinch.
Speaker 1: Nobody's gonna flinch. Oh I'm the only one. Okay, you're
Speaker 1: acting like you've all seen a miss out of that.
Speaker 1: Assults come out of it. Okay, I'm there. Only you
Speaker 1: guys aren't even moving here. You know you did see
Speaker 1: that yet, you see that? That was wild? Wow? That
Speaker 1: was crazy. That missile just would can find anyone? Wow,
Speaker 1: even you come along, I'm just playing. But where you hiding?
Speaker 1: I got your Yeah? That was crazy. Finally, today it
Speaker 1: was a big day for the mid term primary season,
Speaker 1: with a lot of closely watched races that will tell
Speaker 1: us a lot about the direction of the Republican Party.
Speaker 1: You know, will it be filled with the crazy extremists
Speaker 1: who worship Donald Trump? Like a god or will it
Speaker 1: be filled with traditional conservatives who worshiped Donald Trump like
Speaker 1: a god. And one race that everyone is talking about
Speaker 1: is the Republican Senate race in Missouri, and the reason
Speaker 1: that's getting so much attention is because Donald Trump decided
Speaker 1: to give one of the weirdest endorsements of all time.
Speaker 1: It is primary day in America, former President Trump hedging
Speaker 1: his bets in a Missouri Senate race, simply endorsing Eric,
Speaker 1: a first name shared by two rival Republican cadidates. Trump
Speaker 1: has triggered confusion in Missouri after endorsing Eric in the
Speaker 1: state primary without providing a last name. There are two
Speaker 1: Erics in the race. Both Eric Bryans, who has been
Speaker 1: accused of abuse and blackmail, and Eric Schmidt, the current
Speaker 1: attorney General, have claimed the endorsement as their own. Now,
Speaker 1: both Eric's are saying the former president is supporting them.
Speaker 1: Each posted a statement online thanking Trump for his endorsement.
Speaker 1: A source close to the former president to NBC News,
Speaker 1: leading off the last name of the Eric he was
Speaker 1: endorsing was intentional, saying it was a quote epic troll.
Speaker 1: Just when you think you've seen it all from Donald Trump,
Speaker 1: he does something like this. There are two Eric's running
Speaker 1: against each other in the primary, and Trump put out
Speaker 1: a statement endorsing Eric. Just Eric. He could be supporting
Speaker 1: any Eric in the world. Well, not any Eric, but
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. You know, I'm not his
Speaker 1: father to me. The best part of the story that
Speaker 1: before he made the announcement, Trump called Eric Schmidt and
Speaker 1: told him that he was getting the endorsement. Then he
Speaker 1: called Eric Greeton's and told him he was getting the endorsements,
Speaker 1: but he didn't mention to either of them that he
Speaker 1: was endorsing both of them. Yeah, on an asshole. Turns
Speaker 1: out the dude even brings infidelity into his endorsements. You know,
Speaker 1: he's the first politician to have a side Eric. You're
Speaker 1: the only Eric from Eric. Don't listen to those other Erics.
Speaker 1: They're just jealous. As you know. The Russian invasion of
Speaker 1: Ukraine has shown no signs of letting up. Why because
Speaker 1: Vladimir Putin clearly believes all of those dumb Instagram quotes
Speaker 1: about never giving up on your dreams. God damnit, lad
Speaker 1: when more memes about realizing you suck in quitting anyway?
Speaker 1: Because of that, the European Union is preparing all of
Speaker 1: its countries for a winter without Russian gas, which means
Speaker 1: they're gonna have to make some really drastic changes to life.
Speaker 1: And in World News this morning, Spain is heated over
Speaker 1: an air conditioning van. The government there says certain shops
Speaker 1: and bars they can't set air conditioning below twenty seven
Speaker 1: degrees celsius. It's a limit dependence on Russian gas. Wow.
Speaker 1: Public buildings in Spain have to keep the air conditioning
Speaker 1: above twenty seven degrees celsius. And I know right now
Speaker 1: all the Americans watching like, oh my god, that's so
Speaker 1: hot or so cold? And I don't know, I don't know,
Speaker 1: but I'm with you, Trevor, I don't know. Well it's hot.
Speaker 1: It's eighty point six degrees Fahrenheit's yeah, now you're with me. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And if you have to set your a C to
Speaker 1: that temperature, then what is even the point of having
Speaker 1: an A C. You might as well just hire some
Speaker 1: guy to breathe on us. Thank you, Jared, that's a
Speaker 1: refreshing Are you eating? And you know, I feel really
Speaker 1: bad for the Spanish people. They need air conditioning probably
Speaker 1: more than anyone else, especially because of how naturally hot
Speaker 1: Spanish people are yeah's just being Spanish raises any temperature
Speaker 1: in the room by like ten degrees, you know, even
Speaker 1: like a boring meeting. It's like, excuse me, Janice, but
Speaker 1: do you have the TPS reports from accounting we needed
Speaker 1: for the fiscal quarters Like, oh my god. Now, if
Speaker 1: we've had more time, we could talk about how Russia
Speaker 1: is showing the world wide's so necessary to move away
Speaker 1: from fossil fuels, especially because of the countries the fossil
Speaker 1: fuels are connected to and because of climate change. But
Speaker 1: we don't have the time for that because of another
Speaker 1: shitty thing that Russia is doing. W n D A
Speaker 1: star Britney grinder today found guilty and sentence inside of
Speaker 1: a Russian courtroom nine years behind bars for smuggling cannabis oil.
Speaker 1: The Biden administration calling the trial a sham and saying
Speaker 1: the sentence is unacceptable. This is some bullshits, This is bullshit.
Speaker 1: We all know Russia doesn't care about what Brittany Grinder did. Well,
Speaker 1: this is the same country that's breaking every human rights
Speaker 1: law on the planet. But they're like, oh, that woman
Speaker 1: has VIP got through Josh, she's real criminal. Get the
Speaker 1: out of here man should will know it well knows.
Speaker 1: And the one piece, the one piece of good news
Speaker 1: it looks like, is that this seems like it's just
Speaker 1: a negotiation tactic. All right. Russia is like, we have
Speaker 1: prisoner for nine years. You give us a prisoner who
Speaker 1: wasn't a merit for nine years, you know, and you
Speaker 1: know what, I think that should just do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: whoever America has in prison, send them to Russia. Yeah
Speaker 1: it seems like they win. But don't forget that person
Speaker 1: now has to live in Russia. Yeah, they'll get them.
Speaker 1: Be like, this whole country is prison. I missed food
Speaker 1: and are now. If we had more time, we could
Speaker 1: talk about how this whole thing could have been avoided
Speaker 1: if the w NBA paid their stars enough that they
Speaker 1: didn't have to go and play in Russia in the
Speaker 1: off season to make money. But unfortunately, who don't another
Speaker 1: time to talk about that, because there's another sports story
Speaker 1: about a male athlete who has broken out of prison,
Speaker 1: the Prison of the mind. Aaron Rodgers recently revealing on
Speaker 1: a podcast that he used psychedelic drugs to improve his
Speaker 1: outlook on playing football. The thirty eight year old said quote,
Speaker 1: I really feel like that experience paved the way for
Speaker 1: me to have the best season of my career. He
Speaker 1: opened up about his experience on ayahuasca and a retreat
Speaker 1: in Peru. Ayahuasca is a plant based like aedelic drug
Speaker 1: used to treat physical, mental, and spiritual issues in South
Speaker 1: American countries. Wow, okay, do you understand how big this is? People?
Speaker 1: Aaron Rodgers just said, Yo, I took drugs and that's
Speaker 1: part of the reason I crushed the game. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: shows you how much times have changed, because you remember
Speaker 1: back in the nineties. That brings someone like Shack on
Speaker 1: TV to be like, remember, kids, I'd rather kill myself
Speaker 1: than get hard marijuana. Don't do drugs. But now this
Speaker 1: is accepted and and and please please don't getting twisted.
Speaker 1: He wasn't playing while he was on ayahuasca. Well, I
Speaker 1: kind of wish he was, because I'd love to see
Speaker 1: what kind of plays a quarterback would think of while
Speaker 1: they're on the journey, you know, all right, everybody huddle up,
Speaker 1: struck and one. So Johnson, you're gonna look deep in
Speaker 1: your soul, buddy, all right and rediscover your inner child.
Speaker 1: All right, Dobowski, I'm gonna need you to hug that
Speaker 1: rainbow man, you just hug it real hard. Alright, Coleman,
Speaker 1: stop floating. Come on, everybody, let's go there now. If
Speaker 1: we have more time, we could talk about how great
Speaker 1: it is to see people like Aaron Rodgers normalizing conversations
Speaker 1: around whether we can use psychedelics to improve people's mental
Speaker 1: health and kill them from addiction. But unfortunately we don't
Speaker 1: have the time because speaking of addiction, the Chuckle Tuckle
Speaker 1: is back. Okay, call this a comeback Klondike, hinting that
Speaker 1: it might bring back the Choco Taco after due reaction
Speaker 1: to the news that it was going to be discontinued.
Speaker 1: The company says it's reflecting on the outpouring of support
Speaker 1: and demand and figuring out what the next step should be.
Speaker 1: This is amazing. What this is amazing from the end
Speaker 1: of the chocole Tackle and the fans brought it back.
Speaker 1: There's the kind of passion you normally only see in
Speaker 1: like the beehive or the bats Army. Yeah, in fact,
Speaker 1: they should get their own name, you know, even the
Speaker 1: Choco Taco Flockle or like a like like the Klondike
Speaker 1: klux Klan. May maybe not that one, but but you
Speaker 1: get my point. I'm just I'm just I'm just ripping here.
Speaker 1: I'm just ripping. Like, if we had more time, we
Speaker 1: could have fun with the conspiracy theory that this whole
Speaker 1: thing was a marketing stunt, or what other text mix
Speaker 1: foods could be ice creamy fied. But we don't have
Speaker 1: the time about you know, just talk about any of that.
Speaker 1: I was just thinking of burrito because you want to
Speaker 1: talk about something coming back from the dead, then this
Speaker 1: could be the biggest story of our lives or deaths.
Speaker 1: Us stunning medical breakthrough has raised questions about the line
Speaker 1: between life and death. Researchers at Yale University pumped a
Speaker 1: custom made solution into the bodies of pigs that have
Speaker 1: been dead for over an hour. Incredibly, the chemical revived
Speaker 1: cells in the pigs liver, kidney, and brain, and their
Speaker 1: heart even began to beat again. Scientists say this could
Speaker 1: lead to saving more human organs for transplants. Yea sweet
Speaker 1: Jesus in Heaven. Scientists have found a way to bring
Speaker 1: dead cells back to life, whole organs, people, hearts beating again.
Speaker 1: You understand how mind blowing this is. You understand how
Speaker 1: how mind blowing this discovery could be. I feel like
Speaker 1: you guys are around right now. Pigs are coming back
Speaker 1: to life. People you were not just not a long
Speaker 1: way off. You just couldn't mean. We're gonna be in
Speaker 1: a world soon where you could revive people who already died.
Speaker 1: We could make a Jurassic part. But when people, Yeah,
Speaker 1: how dope would that be? Bringing your grandma back to
Speaker 1: life and visiting her in the park? Oh no, the
Speaker 1: grandma's are escaping. Ready to cover your cheeks? Right, they
Speaker 1: got me? I'm doing cute. I feel like the Shift
Speaker 1: is the only story in the news right now. Do
Speaker 1: you understand how big they The pigs they made, the
Speaker 1: cells come back to life, they were dead, they made it.
Speaker 1: You guys don't even understand right now. I don't even
Speaker 1: think you people understand right now? Do you understand how
Speaker 1: huge is? Yeah, there's always people like one you like
Speaker 1: to have Genner with alive or dead. Now that ship
Speaker 1: could happen, and all those dumb people like I would
Speaker 1: love to have made Hitler And they're like, ha ha, No, no,
Speaker 1: I don't even know why we're doing a TV. We
Speaker 1: shouldn't even be doing TV anymore. Everyone's talking about other
Speaker 1: things they might have found a way to bring dead
Speaker 1: people back to life. You guys still want to know
Speaker 1: about what Joe Biden. I'm gonna Joe Biden right now.
Speaker 1: They used the thing, they put it inside. They've tried
Speaker 1: this with bypass machines. It doesn't work. The organs die.
Speaker 1: But then they pump these pigs with like a thing
Speaker 1: called like organ x, and now the pigs keep you.
Speaker 1: People don't even understand what they have. To make the
Speaker 1: pig sleep, they gave it a nerve blocker, and then
Speaker 1: when they gave the pig a die injection to see
Speaker 1: what the brain was doing, the pig twitched. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: now you understand. Because ethically is the craziest thing. We
Speaker 1: don't even know. We're not ready for this. This could
Speaker 1: redefine death. What is death? Who is death? How is death?
Speaker 1: It could be like an option. Now you could die
Speaker 1: and then come back like I want to die, and
Speaker 1: then like do my funeral and then come back and
Speaker 1: watch and be like, oh, that's what you said about
Speaker 1: me when I was gonna ow can This is wild
Speaker 1: and I know it's scary. The one piece of good
Speaker 1: news is though could lead us to a better world,
Speaker 1: because someone has to bring you back. Yeah, so you'd
Speaker 1: be like, you guys are bringing me back, right, and
Speaker 1: people like, yeah, we believe back. Teach you to be
Speaker 1: an asshole before we go. Before we go. I just
Speaker 1: wanted to let you know that recovery efforts are underway
Speaker 1: after record breaking flood waters have hit eastern Kentucky. The
Speaker 1: Foundation for Appellation Kentucky are doing all they can to
Speaker 1: help those efforts, So if you can't, please consider supporting
Speaker 1: them and the important work that they do at the
Speaker 1: link below. The Daily Show with Governorah Ears Edition wat's
Speaker 1: The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy
Speaker 1: Central and the Comedy Central watchful episodes and videos at
Speaker 1: the Daily Show dot com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter,
Speaker 1: and Instagram, and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube
Speaker 1: for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy
Speaker 1: Central podcast