Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew mcarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it. This very podcast which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, available every rust.
Speaker 1: Get your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple Go listen
Speaker 1: right now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now.
Speaker 1: Go listen to see by everybody thought that I had
Speaker 1: lost my mind when I told them I wanted to
Speaker 1: have our third and final baby at home. I was
Speaker 1: with you. I just didn't know that you wanted me
Speaker 1: to get in the water too. That's when things got
Speaker 1: a little crazy. Dead ads. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the ellis Is. You may know us were posting funny
Speaker 1: videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. I make you need therapy most days. Wow. Oh,
Speaker 1: and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we
Speaker 1: say every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually
Speaker 1: saying facts on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
Speaker 1: but the truth. And we're about to take Phillow's talk
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ass starts now. So
Speaker 1: there's nothing more nerve racking as a woman then finding
Speaker 1: out you're pregnant and then thinking about your body having
Speaker 1: to grow and nurture and sustain an entire human being
Speaker 1: for nine months. The first thing that came to mind
Speaker 1: after my first two experiences with Jackson and Cairo, is,
Speaker 1: you know what, I think I could do this joint
Speaker 1: at home. Let me find someone who will be able
Speaker 1: to work with me, who will learn my body and
Speaker 1: allow me the opportunity to have my baby at home,
Speaker 1: because that way I can call the shots. I would
Speaker 1: be able to document our entire birth story, which was
Speaker 1: great as a vlogger, and I would be able to
Speaker 1: have a bunch of family around and being an environment
Speaker 1: where naturally I can bring this baby into the world
Speaker 1: the way the body is supposed to do it. And
Speaker 1: everybody looked at me like I was crazy. With the
Speaker 1: exception of de Vel, I think he was the only
Speaker 1: person that said, you know what, baby, you could do it.
Speaker 1: Because after having the experience I had in the hospital
Speaker 1: with Jackson, which was a really traumatic experience being induced,
Speaker 1: and then having Cairo pretty much in the car almost
Speaker 1: on my own, I felt like, you know what, my
Speaker 1: body was made to do this, and as long as
Speaker 1: I do my due diligence and do my research and
Speaker 1: find a midwife who was able to help me on
Speaker 1: this journey, it's all good. So yeah, having my baby
Speaker 1: and in being so much to me three times three times,
Speaker 1: there's nothing more frescous then to raise a family. Now
Speaker 1: that baby is born, healthy and strong, pool in my bedroom. Hey,
Speaker 1: our dreams reality. I love Joe to see, but you
Speaker 1: cannot sing with Joe to see. I can't cannot. My
Speaker 1: voice is not made to sing with Joe to see.
Speaker 1: Nobody nobody scared if I started to sound like Casey
Speaker 1: or Joe Joe, I would any of the other guys.
Speaker 1: And there's certain people that you just cannot sing with,
Speaker 1: even in karaoke, even even me. No, you're right, I
Speaker 1: would never try to sing like Whitney. Like there's certain
Speaker 1: songs that just needs to be exempt from, like carry,
Speaker 1: because you can't compete now you can't. You just gonna
Speaker 1: damage these people's songs. But the words everything like a
Speaker 1: little horm But yes, that was that was it. I
Speaker 1: had your baby three whole times out, three whole times,
Speaker 1: oh man, I mean pregnancy, labor, delivery, childbirth. Is funny
Speaker 1: because when I talked to my friends, even prior to
Speaker 1: having children, or even just talking to people who are
Speaker 1: thinking about having children, you always wonder like, when is
Speaker 1: the right time to do it? You know, you try
Speaker 1: to prepare everything, and there is no right time. But
Speaker 1: there is nothing, for me, at least more nerve wracking
Speaker 1: than actually finding out you're pregnant and thinking like, oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, I don't want to do everything in my
Speaker 1: power to ensure that I'm doing my part to ensure
Speaker 1: that this baby grows healthily and I'm health healthily. Healthily?
Speaker 1: Is it? I think waking up words. I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: my own dictionary soon. You know, this is the urban
Speaker 1: dictionary whatnot. I'm going to have a dictionary soon. But
Speaker 1: any who, Um, so today we're talking pregnancy, We're talking labor,
Speaker 1: We're we're talking delivery, we're talking self care, women's rights
Speaker 1: and all that good stuff. Why this is important to
Speaker 1: not only you as a woman, but me as your
Speaker 1: life partner, absolutely and the person that got you pregnant
Speaker 1: three whole time, because it's a team effort. And it
Speaker 1: was important to me after our first situation with Jackson
Speaker 1: and you being induced and having a rush in the surgery,
Speaker 1: it became real to me that you can lose you know,
Speaker 1: your your wife on that table. So it became very
Speaker 1: very important to me. So and it's important as well
Speaker 1: to speak about the rate of women, particularly Black women,
Speaker 1: UM dying during childbirth, you know, through complications before, during,
Speaker 1: or after. So it's very necessary conversation to have. And
Speaker 1: of course I had to bring in a special guest
Speaker 1: today who is literally become a part of our families,
Speaker 1: whether she likes it or not. This was not just
Speaker 1: going to be you know, a couple of months journey. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we didn't ask her if she wanted to be We're
Speaker 1: going crazy, you know. However, I'm not trying to keep
Speaker 1: her in business solely by myself, so I will prefer her.
Speaker 1: I am, I will refer her. But Takeia Allard is
Speaker 1: in the house today with us, and she was my midwife. Um.
Speaker 1: She was a source of strength and knowledge for me
Speaker 1: as I went through the latter half of my pregnancy
Speaker 1: with kaz Um straight through labor, delivery, postpartum and still
Speaker 1: now we talk and yeah, we talked, you know. I
Speaker 1: told her, I said, you know, I need a dose
Speaker 1: of you every now and again. You know, I need
Speaker 1: a dose of you. I kind of get jealous once
Speaker 1: in a while because I'm like, you know what, as
Speaker 1: much as you'll talk, I should just get you pregnant again,
Speaker 1: you know, if you want to be involved in the process, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the only way I can be. But I would
Speaker 1: say that Tia was also responsible for the insertion of
Speaker 1: my u D, so that's being said. Yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: know about all that. How are you? I am great?
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, thank you guys, so happy. I'm excited.
Speaker 1: It's just a pleasure to see you too. Thank you
Speaker 1: for taking time out of your busy schedule and for
Speaker 1: insure worrying that no babies were going to be born
Speaker 1: with one so you wouldn't have to rush out of here. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: because at any time, these babies just be doing what
Speaker 1: they want to do, and they do and they don't
Speaker 1: care if the life wants to life about that whenever
Speaker 1: they want. Takia reminds me of I grew up watching
Speaker 1: the Cosbys, and you know how Bill used to get
Speaker 1: the call in the middle of the episode how far
Speaker 1: part of the contraction. I remember when we were going
Speaker 1: through what we were timing, and we're like, I think
Speaker 1: we need to call the kids. It just reminded me
Speaker 1: of like you being on the other side of the
Speaker 1: phone asking how far part of the contraction? Absolutely, but
Speaker 1: it's it's insane how in tune you were with my body.
Speaker 1: It was around Thanksgiving time I was due December. I
Speaker 1: knew that you probably I wasn't gonna last past thirty
Speaker 1: seven weeks because I've had all of my children within
Speaker 1: thirty seven weeks. And I remember Takia saying, enjoy your
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving dinner because this baby will probably not last through
Speaker 1: the weekend. And so said, so done. It was Sunday
Speaker 1: evening and my water broke at eleven PM. I was like,
Speaker 1: she just be no and nowhere. She just knew my
Speaker 1: body to a t and that is such a gift. Um,
Speaker 1: So Takia, tell us or explain, um what is the
Speaker 1: midwife and why you decided to become one? So, Um,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of misconceptions out there about what midwives are.
Speaker 1: Midwives are women. Predominantly. There are male midwives, but predominantly women.
Speaker 1: Since the beginning of time, we've been existing, since there
Speaker 1: have been people on this planet. Midwives have existed through
Speaker 1: all cultures, through all uh you know ages, women have
Speaker 1: been with women having babies, and so midwife means with women.
Speaker 1: And more recently midwives have been um sort of having
Speaker 1: to go through the natural or the the medical channels
Speaker 1: or the political channels in order to be licensed, you know,
Speaker 1: certified and things like that, in order to become a
Speaker 1: mid wife. Um. But prior to that, we were lay midwives.
Speaker 1: So we were midwives that learned from our the midwife
Speaker 1: before us. A lot of times you saw that in
Speaker 1: the black community, uh, and during slavery times you saw
Speaker 1: midwives learning from other midwives and an apprentice style format.
Speaker 1: And so because um, with the establishment of laws and
Speaker 1: the medical community, what ended up happening those midwives weren't uneducated,
Speaker 1: didn't really know how to read and write, and those
Speaker 1: midwives were sort of pushed out of this off to
Speaker 1: the side because they were told that they had to
Speaker 1: be licensed or pass certain examinations and things like that,
Speaker 1: even if they knew exactly what to do. Now, can
Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about that, because Nadine and
Speaker 1: I always talk about the institution and how the institution
Speaker 1: is created for the bottom line. It is so a
Speaker 1: lot of times, all of these laws and things they create,
Speaker 1: it's pretty much to make a bottom line so they
Speaker 1: can make money, can you Yeah, So, because midwives, especially
Speaker 1: in areas that were really remote from major hospitals and
Speaker 1: things like that, were predominantly served by community midwives, and
Speaker 1: so as hospitals were being established and built in those areas,
Speaker 1: what they decided to do was try to pull those
Speaker 1: resources or those families, those patients who were going to
Speaker 1: the local midwife and pull them into the hospital. And
Speaker 1: so they made the hospital setting glamorous so that people
Speaker 1: like us, you know, would want to go to the
Speaker 1: hospital because it was the better care um right, right. So,
Speaker 1: so pregnancy and birth is big business. And if you know, UM,
Speaker 1: any hospital that does not have a labor and delivery ward,
Speaker 1: they're usually on the lower end of capital um. And
Speaker 1: so the labor and delivery areas are the moneymakers for
Speaker 1: those hospitals. So if they are pushing out a lot
Speaker 1: of babies. That hospital is a big time hospital in
Speaker 1: that particular community. And so what was happening is that
Speaker 1: those midwives were then being told that you had to
Speaker 1: be licensed or you had to go through certain criteria
Speaker 1: in order to be you know, licensed by the state.
Speaker 1: And if you practice midwif free, now you're you know,
Speaker 1: you're going against the law and you could be arrested.
Speaker 1: Um And I think, I think again and think about that,
Speaker 1: and think about everything that's going on now in the
Speaker 1: country with abortion laws. You just said, childbirth is one
Speaker 1: of the biggest businesses in the country. So if you
Speaker 1: eliminate the ability to have abortion just increased you just
Speaker 1: the bottom line ahead. Yeah. So and so that's what
Speaker 1: was happening. And midwives, We're losing their jobs, they were
Speaker 1: losing their ability to practice, and women were now seeking
Speaker 1: hospitals because they were told that it was better to
Speaker 1: have your care there. Yeah, it seem as if mid
Speaker 1: were free was some sort of antiquated right from uneducated women.
Speaker 1: So just because that woman did not know how to
Speaker 1: read and write, per se, did not mean that that
Speaker 1: woman wasn't an absolutely grand midwife. But isn't that always
Speaker 1: how America does things? First you dehumanize the then you
Speaker 1: criminalize it, right, and once you criminalize that, you are
Speaker 1: able to believe that it's against the law to do that.
Speaker 1: So now I have to spend money. That's pretty much
Speaker 1: the American American And what we want to be careful
Speaker 1: to do is not to take away from doctors who
Speaker 1: do go to school, you know, to their formal education,
Speaker 1: because of course they're that's necessary, that's necessary. But today
Speaker 1: we particularly want to speak about mid with free and
Speaker 1: the options that women do have that UM And it's
Speaker 1: funny we also mentioned, you know, the processes that take place,
Speaker 1: because how do you get paid as a midwife? Do
Speaker 1: insurance companies recognize you as you know, someone who's delivering
Speaker 1: a baby and pay you accordingly? And I know you've
Speaker 1: had to jump through hoops, even just through hoops every
Speaker 1: day just to just to get your fears, you know,
Speaker 1: So talk a little bit about maybe even obstacles now
Speaker 1: that you know you you are a midwife and you're
Speaker 1: you're having to UM get certain certifications and certain guidelines
Speaker 1: that have to be you know, you have to ensure
Speaker 1: that you have How does that now, how do you
Speaker 1: have to continue to fight? So one of the biggest
Speaker 1: reasons why I'm jumping through hoops and most midwife's like
Speaker 1: me or jumping through hoops is because we're not seen
Speaker 1: as equal um practitioners UM. Most people would would classify
Speaker 1: us as mid level providers, which basically means that there's
Speaker 1: someone supervising us. There's a doctor that's supervising us. In
Speaker 1: a lot of states, particularly New York State, says that
Speaker 1: we don't have to have a supervising physician over us
Speaker 1: or dictating to us what to do. That we are
Speaker 1: independent providers. And just like you would go to see
Speaker 1: a primary doctor for chest pain and that primary doctor
Speaker 1: would maybe sending you to a cardiologist to rule out
Speaker 1: a or hard conditions, I would refer you to someone
Speaker 1: if it's outside of my scope of practice, but still
Speaker 1: be able to take care of the pregnancy. That's the
Speaker 1: way that a midwife you know, works and is licensed
Speaker 1: to work within the state of New York. However, there
Speaker 1: are insurance companies that are national, and so these insurance
Speaker 1: companies have specific you know, UM requirements their hospitals as well,
Speaker 1: and they look at us as mid level and so
Speaker 1: they say that there has to be a physician over
Speaker 1: us telling us what to do or supervising our role.
Speaker 1: And so when you get into those those dynamics or
Speaker 1: that hierarchy structure, and it's in place everywhere, that's one
Speaker 1: of the biggest hoops that we have to jump over
Speaker 1: because we can't, you know, not necessarily get malpractice. Insurance
Speaker 1: is a problem because we have to have a supervising physician. However,
Speaker 1: the State of New York says that we don't you know,
Speaker 1: we can practice independently if we want to get into
Speaker 1: the hospital. They want to know who's our supervising physician,
Speaker 1: who's your you know, your physician that you work with.
Speaker 1: Those are those are some of the things. And then
Speaker 1: with in terms of reimbursement, some insurance companies will not
Speaker 1: reimburse because we don't have a collaborative physician or a
Speaker 1: doctor on paper, which is crazy. Or they won't even
Speaker 1: approve a home which is that pretty much? That yeah,
Speaker 1: that that they felt as if she was not quality
Speaker 1: or classified as a caregiver. And then too many we
Speaker 1: have baby sup Yeah, yeah and Cairo were close together.
Speaker 1: I was not crazy. It's crazy. Yes, we've spoken about
Speaker 1: this in the past. How you feel like this is
Speaker 1: your purpose? Yes, it's pretty much called you to say,
Speaker 1: this is what you are going to do. So her
Speaker 1: birth story was crazy, Yeah, how did you get to here?
Speaker 1: Like with all the hoops that you continue to have
Speaker 1: the JOm you you always show up with a smile
Speaker 1: on your face. And it is about the women, it's
Speaker 1: about the families, it's about these children. What inspired you
Speaker 1: and how do you stay inspired? So it was my
Speaker 1: own birth story that inspired me. Um. I became a
Speaker 1: mother at twenty. I was a college student at Syracuse University.
Speaker 1: I had just lost my father a year and a
Speaker 1: half before that, and in the same year lost my
Speaker 1: my dad and I was just looking for love and
Speaker 1: all the wrong places and ended up getting pregnant and
Speaker 1: had my son in college. Um, And when I started school,
Speaker 1: you know, I never thought that that would be something
Speaker 1: that I would be doing, you know, having a baby,
Speaker 1: ya right, trying to go to school. And so I
Speaker 1: ended up just staying focused. And I said, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to let this, you know, change my direction.
Speaker 1: I'm going to keep doing what I need to do.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have my child, you know. And and I
Speaker 1: couldn't see myself having an abortion just because I had
Speaker 1: just so much loss, you know, recently, and so I decided,
Speaker 1: you know, even though everyone in my corner, every person,
Speaker 1: every person in my family was telling me I needed
Speaker 1: to have an abortion, I decided not to. And so
Speaker 1: I had to figure out, just me and me, you know,
Speaker 1: how I was going to get this done. And so
Speaker 1: I went and asked my um, my guidance counselor you know,
Speaker 1: for advice. They really didn't have anything. They suggested I,
Speaker 1: you know, spinished school later, you know, delay things. And
Speaker 1: I decided, no, I'm not going to do that. So
Speaker 1: I went to the dean and got special permission to
Speaker 1: take extra credits the semester that I was pregnant. So
Speaker 1: I think I ended up taking like twenty two or
Speaker 1: something like that, or twenty four credits, which is like
Speaker 1: literally unheard, unheard of. When I was pregnant, UM got
Speaker 1: on Medicaid, got a welfare did the whole thing, got
Speaker 1: into family housing. And it so happened that while I
Speaker 1: was in school, I was obviously studying to be a nurse,
Speaker 1: and that particular semester that I was pregnant, I was
Speaker 1: studying maternal child nursing. So my textbook became my childbirth
Speaker 1: education as I was growing life. Right as I was
Speaker 1: growing life, I was learning about, you know, how life
Speaker 1: is formed and developed and so on and so forth.
Speaker 1: And so I remember going to Lama's class and just
Speaker 1: not really focusing because I had so much on my plate,
Speaker 1: so much to do, so much heavy burden, you know,
Speaker 1: to to live through. And so eventually I invited two
Speaker 1: of my girlfriends to be my support. My son's father
Speaker 1: was and I mean a football player, so there was
Speaker 1: no and I'm sure you understand about there was no
Speaker 1: not coming to practice. Yeah he was at Yeah, there
Speaker 1: was no not coming to practice. So we didn't know
Speaker 1: if he was going to be able to be a
Speaker 1: part of the birth. And so I remember the morning
Speaker 1: I went into labor, and um, I called my girlfriends.
Speaker 1: They drove me to the hospital. I called him and
Speaker 1: he's like, I gotta go, I gotta go. And it
Speaker 1: was Coach P at the time, that was his coach.
Speaker 1: Was like, he's not gonna let me out. So he
Speaker 1: went to his practice and some of his guy friends
Speaker 1: you know, drove him when he got done, and he
Speaker 1: got there just in time. But before when I got
Speaker 1: to the hospital, I realized that the nurse that was
Speaker 1: there was actually my instructor, and I saw her face
Speaker 1: and I saw, you know who who she was, and
Speaker 1: I didn't, you know, I just was in labor, so
Speaker 1: I didn't think anything of it. It turns out that
Speaker 1: she ended up taking me as a patient, UM, and
Speaker 1: she worked walked me to the whirlpool. So your Syracuse
Speaker 1: in struct my Syracuse instructor, ended up being my my labor.
Speaker 1: I know it was. It was insane, insane miracles like
Speaker 1: that whole entire day. And so she put me into
Speaker 1: a jacuzzi room like a whirlpool. And at this time,
Speaker 1: my son is twenty two years old. At this time,
Speaker 1: they weren't doing water bursts per se, but they allowed
Speaker 1: you to labor and water. She left me in there
Speaker 1: the entire time. I don't even recall the time that
Speaker 1: they really even listened to the baby a lot, just
Speaker 1: like how I did for you, condem just putting the
Speaker 1: doppler on my belly and leaving me free to manage
Speaker 1: my contractions. And I didn't ask for those things. She
Speaker 1: just willingly did it for me. And then when it
Speaker 1: was time for me to have the baby, UM, I
Speaker 1: kept saying I had to push, and she said okay,
Speaker 1: it's time to get out. And so she walked me
Speaker 1: to my room and at this time I remember one
Speaker 1: of the biggest things I remember was um that the
Speaker 1: room seemed so far away. It was only just a
Speaker 1: few away. And then it was this young guy in
Speaker 1: the hall and he had on a white jacket and
Speaker 1: I walked up to him and labor it and I'm like,
Speaker 1: just help me. They won't help me, and he's like, ma'am,
Speaker 1: I'm the candy striper, Like I don't know who you are,
Speaker 1: Please stop joking me. I'm like holding on to his left,
Speaker 1: go like help me please. The nurse is like, no,
Speaker 1: it's okay, you could do it, you know. So she
Speaker 1: walks me to the room and I'm like having to
Speaker 1: push the entire time, and long story short, I got
Speaker 1: into the bed and two pushes, my son was born.
Speaker 1: And it so happened as I was walking into the
Speaker 1: room and as I was beginning to push, his dad
Speaker 1: ran down the hall and came into the room. So
Speaker 1: it was it was the vine. It was for all
Speaker 1: of us to be. We need to talk about that.
Speaker 1: Yeah shows yeah, yeah, Hollywood, like you should be. You'll
Speaker 1: be in the whole way. The whole way will be
Speaker 1: really long. You know that somebody the receiver to side.
Speaker 1: So um. But I think what I took away from
Speaker 1: that moment was somebody watched out for me, and I
Speaker 1: didn't have to ask she she could tell me. She
Speaker 1: could you know, anticipate my needs, and I didn't have
Speaker 1: to mention her say a word. And the fact that
Speaker 1: she basically ushered me into motherhood and allowed me to
Speaker 1: walk while she walked alongside me meant the world to me.
Speaker 1: She didn't she didn't do anything to take over. She
Speaker 1: allowed me and I didn't even know I needed that.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know that I could ask for that,
Speaker 1: but she gave it to me willingly. And I never
Speaker 1: really got an opportunity to talk to her about it
Speaker 1: because then life went on and I was just you know,
Speaker 1: I was at the end. It was at the end
Speaker 1: of the semester. So um. I had him during the
Speaker 1: week of finals, and I, you know, as soon as
Speaker 1: I was discharged, I went to finals and was breastfeeding
Speaker 1: while I was in finals. I really never had the
Speaker 1: chance to go back to her and say thank you
Speaker 1: or to ask why. But I, you know, it's stuck
Speaker 1: with me, you know, and that was the beginning of
Speaker 1: my journey to be a mother to this young man.
Speaker 1: And I went into nursing, but something was missing. I
Speaker 1: can't I wasn't working as a nurse, but something was missing,
Speaker 1: and so I decided, you know what, I'm going to
Speaker 1: go to Middlewere Free School because during that time I
Speaker 1: also heard there was a woman who came to talk
Speaker 1: to us about just advanced practice nursing. And at that
Speaker 1: time it were Free was sort of new, you know,
Speaker 1: as an advanced practice um modality within the department of
Speaker 1: or the organizational piece of nursing. And so we learned
Speaker 1: about mid red Free and I thought, wow, that would
Speaker 1: be something I would love to do. First of all,
Speaker 1: because I I am I think I have leadership quality,
Speaker 1: so I'm a leader by nature, and so just to
Speaker 1: be a nurse wasn't something that I think I would
Speaker 1: have been complete with and so I wanted to do
Speaker 1: something a little bit more yeah, and so um I
Speaker 1: went back to school and when I became a midwife,
Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, this is this is what I
Speaker 1: want to do. But then just to be a midwife
Speaker 1: and being in the act at the mid of a midwife,
Speaker 1: it allowed me to start paying it forward. You know,
Speaker 1: I wanted to always make my my life's work mean something.
Speaker 1: That's why I worked with with us because we always
Speaker 1: talk about the same thing. We always talk about paying
Speaker 1: it for. We have paid forward in the gym wall
Speaker 1: that we own. We always talk about legacy. You're hearing
Speaker 1: your story just sounds the exact opposite to what you
Speaker 1: hear from so many women of color in the hospital. UM,
Speaker 1: can you talk a little bit about the mortality rates
Speaker 1: and why mid re Fee is so important to you
Speaker 1: because we're here now in the country, you know, a
Speaker 1: black woman is four times more likely to die on
Speaker 1: that table. The morbidity immortality rates for infants that are
Speaker 1: black infants and also from others have not changed. They've
Speaker 1: been like that for years. The only reason why it's
Speaker 1: becoming more UM recognized in the community is because it
Speaker 1: touched the lives of people like Serena Williams and people
Speaker 1: you know, like Dr Hackett's daughter, Kira Um. It's touched
Speaker 1: people's lives who whose voices are maybe bigger than the
Speaker 1: woman who lives in Brooklyn, New York, on Flatbush Avenue,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And in the social media
Speaker 1: edge and now we have access to that. So those
Speaker 1: types of things are coming out and becoming more um
Speaker 1: vibrant in the community in terms of being recognized. UM.
Speaker 1: So this has always been a problem. UM. But the
Speaker 1: reason why these things are happening for you know, because
Speaker 1: of many reasons. The biggest one obviously is racism. And
Speaker 1: racism exists in the hospital structure. It hugely exists. There's
Speaker 1: implicit biases that will allow a practitioner to assume something
Speaker 1: of a woman without because of how right, because she
Speaker 1: looks a certain way, they'll assume her her status, you know,
Speaker 1: who she is, what kind of money she has, which
Speaker 1: her insurance, all of that, just by the way she looks,
Speaker 1: and then that dictates how they care for that person. Um.
Speaker 1: And so this is happening where we're you know, on
Speaker 1: the front lines of the hospital. And so the majority
Speaker 1: of these these stats are not from home births, they're
Speaker 1: not from birth center birth these stats are from hospital births.
Speaker 1: And soople it's important you say that though. Yeah, Like,
Speaker 1: as we talked about institutions, I feel like sometimes people
Speaker 1: get in their own way and their entitlement allows them
Speaker 1: to trust the institution. Oh, they're not going to do
Speaker 1: this to me, no they will. And it's not just hospitals,
Speaker 1: it's any institution because the institution only cares about the
Speaker 1: bottom line and the institution. So most people walk into
Speaker 1: institutions believing like, oh, they won't do this to me.
Speaker 1: Say at schools, edges you not only universities are professional sports.
Speaker 1: Oh they're gonna take care of me because no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: they're gonna take care of themselves. And thinking about even
Speaker 1: things that are dictated. When I was pregnant with Jackson,
Speaker 1: the first O B G y N who I saw,
Speaker 1: I remember speaking with a nurse who worked in the
Speaker 1: hospital that he was affiliated with, and I said, hey,
Speaker 1: what do you think of Dr so and so? And
Speaker 1: my mom just so happened to know her as well,
Speaker 1: because the nursing world is small, and she said, if
Speaker 1: you want a good surgeon, you can stick with him.
Speaker 1: His C section rate was something like sixty something per cent.
Speaker 1: She said, he was very impatient, didn't like to wait
Speaker 1: labor out. And what happens with the C section versus
Speaker 1: a natural delivery more money, more money, more money, more money.
Speaker 1: It's just crazy how that's already a preconceived idea like, oh,
Speaker 1: she needs a c section. Great, let's just go ahead
Speaker 1: and cut her because there's a bigger and the care
Speaker 1: with your apidural. This woman that was sticking condemned with
Speaker 1: this needle did she had no care at all. It
Speaker 1: was almost like she was stabbing her and she had
Speaker 1: she had to get stuck three times, and it almost
Speaker 1: seemed like she didn't care, like she just you know,
Speaker 1: she kept in and she pulled out. She's moving. I'm like,
Speaker 1: she's not moving. And we were young. We were young
Speaker 1: at the time. We looked young. They probably felt like, oh,
Speaker 1: here's this young couple. You know what I'm saying. I
Speaker 1: didn't have my wedding ring on because I came from
Speaker 1: the gym literally and I looked like I was about seventeen.
Speaker 1: So they probably automatically felt like, oh whatever. And that's
Speaker 1: how that you know, she was treating with the upper door.
Speaker 1: And that experience to me was just meanwhile, man on
Speaker 1: the flip side with Takia, when I'm in labor with Kaz,
Speaker 1: out of my peripheral I could see that she was
Speaker 1: watching me, and you knew exactly what my body was
Speaker 1: doing without me having to say it. Yes, that's how
Speaker 1: in tune you were. And how invested you were in
Speaker 1: the process. And I remember being in the pool and
Speaker 1: you knew and however you knew it was about to
Speaker 1: be that time. She's like, let's go to the pool.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay. First of all, that's not the key
Speaker 1: his voice. Okay, that's not voice. The whole it was amazing,
Speaker 1: how are you feeling. I was saying to myself, like, well,
Speaker 1: we got this the whole talk two kids like that.
Speaker 1: Literally was like, listen to my voice and everything else
Speaker 1: out because we had the family was there. There are
Speaker 1: a bunch of people, you know, so she wanted to instruct.
Speaker 1: She was always making sure I was okay. She was like, Kadine,
Speaker 1: at any point if you want, if you want to
Speaker 1: clear this room, you let me know you were the boss.
Speaker 1: And I'm like okay. And I remember the point where
Speaker 1: I was like, can you please tell me when I
Speaker 1: have to push because I was definitely afraid. I was
Speaker 1: definitely afraid of tearing. And she was like, you tell me,
Speaker 1: you're to tell me. You're going to have to tell me.
Speaker 1: I want you to tell me what to do that
Speaker 1: I was sitting back there looking at both Listen to
Speaker 1: your body. Your body will tell you portions. I didn't
Speaker 1: know what to do. I'm holding your shoulder and then
Speaker 1: you asked her. You were just like, you canna tell
Speaker 1: me when the push right? She was like, you're gonna
Speaker 1: tell me when, Like, somebody better tell somebody want to push,
Speaker 1: because I might have to catch this baby where to
Speaker 1: come out? And I do, And it was amazing how
Speaker 1: I was. I literally heard nothing but Takia's voice, like
Speaker 1: music was playing. My sister. You guys would have a conversation,
Speaker 1: and I heard nothing but Takias. We were arguing about
Speaker 1: the flowers that your mom threw into the water. When
Speaker 1: she was both, you're not going good on my girl
Speaker 1: with the flower flowers were beautiful. Oh my goodness. If
Speaker 1: you had forehead but actually sprinkled the flowers like a
Speaker 1: flower did on her way out, She's like, here you go.
Speaker 1: If y'all haven't caught that vlog, you have to tube
Speaker 1: channel and you can catch umks is amazing home birth.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, so much information here, so um all right, Takia,
Speaker 1: So tell me if you're planning to have a child.
Speaker 1: If a woman is planning to have a child, um,
Speaker 1: how do you choose the birthday plan that's best? For you.
Speaker 1: What are some of the like guidelines. What do you
Speaker 1: think people who are researching mid with free um or
Speaker 1: finding a midwife who may work for them, what are
Speaker 1: some of the pros and con Just give me like
Speaker 1: a whole, like a little bit. The biggest thing that
Speaker 1: I think that women struggle with is that they wait
Speaker 1: too long. Some women decide to get married and they
Speaker 1: take a year plus to to plan a wedding, They
Speaker 1: take a year plus to plan a vacation, but wait
Speaker 1: until they're pregnant to figure out what they're gonna do.
Speaker 1: And so if women, especially more specifically Black women, because
Speaker 1: we're the ones out there dying at a faster rate
Speaker 1: than any other race, if you want to have a
Speaker 1: better outcome, you need to start when you know you
Speaker 1: want to get pregnant and have a preconception counseling. You know,
Speaker 1: visit with a provider, interview people. Just like you're trying
Speaker 1: on a new pair of shoes. You need to go
Speaker 1: and try people out and see whether they fit or not.
Speaker 1: Because if they don't fit and they're rubbing you wrong,
Speaker 1: you need to go find you another provider. And so
Speaker 1: you're gonna need time to do that. The other thing
Speaker 1: that women need to do. It's understand their benefit. Understand
Speaker 1: their insurance. A lot of people, especially if they're employed,
Speaker 1: get insurance through their employers, and so they're usually looking
Speaker 1: at how much is coming out my check, they're looking
Speaker 1: at what They're not looking at what the benefit is.
Speaker 1: You know, what does it pay for? What do I
Speaker 1: have to pay out of pocket? Do I have some
Speaker 1: you know, wiggle room with choosing providers? Can I choose
Speaker 1: whoever I want out of network? And network all of
Speaker 1: those things need to be looked at, and you know, deductibles,
Speaker 1: co insurances, all of that needs to be looked at
Speaker 1: because eventually it's going to affect you for things like childbirth.
Speaker 1: I think about John Q movies of all time. It
Speaker 1: wasn't until something happened that he actually looked at his
Speaker 1: insurance papers and said, y'all won't cover this. You've been
Speaker 1: taking this, but it doesn't cover And that happens every day.
Speaker 1: It happens every day it happened. So that's one of
Speaker 1: the biggest things. It's just understanding that and then know
Speaker 1: that there because the the system is rigged and it
Speaker 1: doesn't support for example, home birth, then it's gonna be
Speaker 1: a challenge, and usually home birth requires some out of
Speaker 1: pocket payments because the insurance is not going to cover
Speaker 1: it all for many, many reasons that we don't have
Speaker 1: time to discuss today. Um yeah yeah so um. So
Speaker 1: there has to be some type of money put aside
Speaker 1: and planning if you're deciding to go that route. If
Speaker 1: a woman is just deciding, you know, she wants to
Speaker 1: have a baby, she really doesn't know where she wants
Speaker 1: to go. First is first and foremost is to look
Speaker 1: and see what the hospital stats are throughout the city
Speaker 1: or the community and where you're living. So there is
Speaker 1: a Baby Friendly Initiative and they have a website, so
Speaker 1: you can go on their website and see who's been,
Speaker 1: who's in what particular status of their baby friendly designation. UM.
Speaker 1: You can simply call the hospital itself and ask the
Speaker 1: hospital are they baby friendly designated UM, because once they're designated,
Speaker 1: they're gonna preach it to the masses because they want
Speaker 1: people to come. So that's that's public information. The other
Speaker 1: thing in terms of the stats of the hospital, that
Speaker 1: is also pretty public. So if you just look up
Speaker 1: stats in the state you know or the area that
Speaker 1: you live in for the hospitals. A lot of times
Speaker 1: people are keeping those stats. Larger organizations are keeping those stats,
Speaker 1: and so it's pretty easy to also get that if
Speaker 1: they have a high sea section rate, don't go there.
Speaker 1: If they're not baby friendly, don't go there. Baby friendly
Speaker 1: means that they're going to you know, take time and
Speaker 1: try to push for more of a natural birth. More
Speaker 1: specifically though, it's that they're going to provide skinner skin
Speaker 1: contact or the baby immediately after birth. A lot of
Speaker 1: time they'll delay cord clamping so that the baby gets
Speaker 1: the blood you know, um, come the place center right
Speaker 1: right after birth, and usually baby friendly also includes that
Speaker 1: they are not going to provide formula as the base
Speaker 1: of nutrition for the baby, but that would only be
Speaker 1: used as needed or as a doctor's order. So that's
Speaker 1: breed for promoting breastfeeding. So a woman wants a more
Speaker 1: natural birth, a birth where she's going to have those
Speaker 1: things for the baby, then she needs to choose a
Speaker 1: hospital that is baby friendly. Um. But then more more
Speaker 1: importantly is trying to find a good provider, whether it's
Speaker 1: a doctor, whether it's a midwife. But there needs to
Speaker 1: be a good provider, a person who listens, a person
Speaker 1: who gives you their time, a person who doesn't judge you,
Speaker 1: a person who gives you information and true informed consent.
Speaker 1: And informed consent means letting the person know what their
Speaker 1: options are, risks, benefits, and removing yourself from their decision.
Speaker 1: So I have a question, we as is everyone a
Speaker 1: good candidate for home birthing? Because people ask me that
Speaker 1: I have man men contact me all the time. Yes,
Speaker 1: they either watch the vlog or they heard about Nina
Speaker 1: story and they're concerned. They're like, I want to make
Speaker 1: sure that my wife or my girl chance to bring
Speaker 1: a baby in the world healthy. Would you recommend um
Speaker 1: home birth? And I'm the first one that you listen,
Speaker 1: I don't know enough about it, so is anyone most
Speaker 1: majority of women are because majority of women are healthy.
Speaker 1: So if there's no com mobilities like diabetes, heart condition
Speaker 1: or anything like that, and a woman had to have
Speaker 1: any prior uterine surgeries, there she's a candidate for home
Speaker 1: birth um and and then of course you have to
Speaker 1: have a healthy pregnancy, right, So as long as the
Speaker 1: pregnancy is healthy, then you have a low risk mother
Speaker 1: and a low risk pregnancy. So a woman who fits
Speaker 1: those categories certainly can have a home birth. That's amazing.
Speaker 1: It's nine times out of tend more women are are
Speaker 1: not at risk and can have a home birth, then
Speaker 1: there are people who are at risk. Awesome, and before
Speaker 1: we wret really quickly. UM midwife versus dula. Sometimes people
Speaker 1: think they're the same thing. They're not, but there they aren't.
Speaker 1: They are not they're not. Yes, dulas are basically UM
Speaker 1: providers or or or you know a friend or a
Speaker 1: family member or someone, but dula has like certification or
Speaker 1: they've gone through some extra training to learn how to
Speaker 1: be a companion in birth. Their responsibility is to advocate
Speaker 1: their responsibilities to educate um and to support a woman
Speaker 1: during during birth emotionally, physically all of those things and
Speaker 1: and postpartnings assisting and sometimes doulas have extra you know,
Speaker 1: certifications like they might be a lactation counselor they might
Speaker 1: you know, do massage or raiky and certain other things
Speaker 1: and so that it adds to their qualification experience, their
Speaker 1: right right. So that's what. But adula does not have
Speaker 1: scientific medical mid re free education to actually be to
Speaker 1: manage a pregnancy, deliver a baby, and manage the postpartum.
Speaker 1: That is only someone a midwife or you know, or
Speaker 1: a doctor like my sister. I feel like dula for me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: absolutely rubbing my back if I needed anything. Yeah, putting
Speaker 1: the flexi straw drinks. You're you're You're someone that she
Speaker 1: could not replace ever, ever, ever, all those little forehead
Speaker 1: kisses you gave me, I mean, your prices, You're priceless. Sky.
Speaker 1: I feel like we could talk so much more about this.
Speaker 1: We could talk to have you back on season two
Speaker 1: or three. Yeah, predominantly serving the Queens and Nasau counties.
Speaker 1: My email is midwife at Sechina midwifree dot com and
Speaker 1: your Instagram as well. I know you normally posts, you know,
Speaker 1: some tips and tried you try to. Yeah, I'm a
Speaker 1: one woman's show, so I'm really needing to figure out
Speaker 1: the whole social media thing. And so yeah, I can
Speaker 1: be found on Instagram as well at Sechina Midwfree. Sounds
Speaker 1: great And don't know everybody bombard her with you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: don't Bombara because she's busy out here serving the community
Speaker 1: and jealous I'm doing. But I want to thank you
Speaker 1: guys because you guys really really did the community uh
Speaker 1: such a service by vlogging your birth because it allowed
Speaker 1: women to know and families to know that they have
Speaker 1: a choice. And then you did it with humor and
Speaker 1: and finaz and grace and just like you guys do
Speaker 1: than you you know, and it was classy and it
Speaker 1: was wealth you know, well done. But the fact that
Speaker 1: people could see that you could do this this way
Speaker 1: and you have autonomy at the end of the day
Speaker 1: completely as is the one that's respected. All right, coming up,
Speaker 1: we're going to get into some listener letters, but after
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Speaker 1: who he is in the history of golf, no question
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Speaker 1: Listen and Stitcher, Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app. Alright,
Speaker 1: so it's super important to have these conversations for so
Speaker 1: many reasons, um about women's health and you know, what
Speaker 1: we have rights to and whatnot and all that. But
Speaker 1: we're gonna switch scares and let's get into these listener
Speaker 1: letter Come on, babe, go ahead and read this first one?
Speaker 1: Whoever sent this question one. I've been in New York
Speaker 1: City for the entirety of my adult life and have
Speaker 1: grown to love the area, people in lifestyle, and I'm
Speaker 1: entirely cognizant of how unique and different Brooklyn is. The
Speaker 1: subway to dollar cabs, people in a rush, and the
Speaker 1: way we talk to each other can be jarring in
Speaker 1: so many questions, What ways can you help your spouse
Speaker 1: enjoy where you live and be it and make it
Speaker 1: become her home? So pretty much here Brooklyn, dude, And
Speaker 1: probably got somebody from bunds off like I ain't used
Speaker 1: to this. Just some background. She's born bread and bleeds Pittsburgh. Wow.
Speaker 1: Her family is from the South South Carolina, just like
Speaker 1: my family Orangeburg stand up to be exact. So there
Speaker 1: are a lot of polite, charming, very appropriate undertones that
Speaker 1: make up the best parts of her, but I think
Speaker 1: also makes her disgusted with New York understandable totally. I
Speaker 1: figured you both are in uniqu positions, having traveled and
Speaker 1: moved a lot, and also that you're both from Brooklyn.
Speaker 1: A you're asking to people who live, die, breathe, what's
Speaker 1: the problem. Stop waving at everybody you see. They don't
Speaker 1: know you developer ice grow develop this term right here.
Speaker 1: But you're looking at right. You're looking at right. No,
Speaker 1: don't do that. I mean, New York is a lot,
Speaker 1: though New York is a lot for people who are
Speaker 1: not from here. In part why two, we're just like,
Speaker 1: maybe we need to spread our wings and fly and
Speaker 1: maybe head to a different location. You know, New York
Speaker 1: is specific for people, I think depending on the point
Speaker 1: you are in life too. Like we now have three children,
Speaker 1: you know, we want some more space, so it's Brooklyn
Speaker 1: necessarily the way for us. Still, this is my thing.
Speaker 1: Though they don't have kids, he said, he's just trying
Speaker 1: to get his his country southern bell to get a
Speaker 1: cuss them to Brooklyn. Here's the biggest thing. Even though
Speaker 1: I'm from Brooklyn, I still have a lot of my
Speaker 1: country family morals. I speak to everybody in my neighborhood
Speaker 1: cade laughing because I walked by. When I see people,
Speaker 1: I don't know what's good? Bro? What's good boss? How's
Speaker 1: everybody doing? And this is what's funny. Right. People respect
Speaker 1: you in the community when you talk to them. Also,
Speaker 1: it's a way for you to eliminate that awkwardness where
Speaker 1: people think you soft, because when you walk by people
Speaker 1: and you look down or you look away, then they're like, oh,
Speaker 1: he is sucker. But then if you ice grill them,
Speaker 1: or you're becoming kind of like a target, become a target.
Speaker 1: Well you seem unaware if you look away or if
Speaker 1: you look him in the eye and you say nothing,
Speaker 1: then it's like, yo, what's his problem? It's very simple,
Speaker 1: you speak to people. I feel like it would just
Speaker 1: be great across the board if we can just walk
Speaker 1: past somebody and just give a nod or give a smile.
Speaker 1: It just doesn't seem to be the New York way
Speaker 1: of life, but you can. For me, it is, I
Speaker 1: say hello to everybody, right, I say hello, it'd be
Speaker 1: it'd be a group of young teen young dude. They
Speaker 1: look they look like they're ready to do something that
Speaker 1: somebody you walk by but it was good fellas. You
Speaker 1: know what, they'd be like, what's up, what's up? O G?
Speaker 1: Because you're like an O G. Now in the I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not that O G. Don't be upset. They
Speaker 1: sure do. But I also think it has a lot
Speaker 1: to do with our upbringing. You think about it, like
Speaker 1: my family with West Sending roots, your family with Southern roots. Hospitality,
Speaker 1: you know, saying hello to somebody like in the in
Speaker 1: the West Indies or you know in the Islands, you
Speaker 1: can't walk past somebody and not say hello, good morning,
Speaker 1: good night, or you know all that. So I think
Speaker 1: what he could do is he could walk around with her,
Speaker 1: because this is what I do with Coadin never understands it.
Speaker 1: We'll walk places in the neighborhood and I'll say hello
Speaker 1: to people, and then the beginning she's like you know them,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, you know what them. No. But
Speaker 1: what happens is people get a custom seeing seeing you
Speaker 1: in the neighborhood and they see your woman on the
Speaker 1: woman you with, they'll take care of your family. Like
Speaker 1: I don't worry about Codeine when she's walking where we
Speaker 1: were because they know that that's my wife. When she's
Speaker 1: walking home. There's one guy in particular, I don't even
Speaker 1: know his name, but every time he sees Codeine getting
Speaker 1: out the car, he's always like, Hey, how you doing,
Speaker 1: And it's almost like, I know, if anything would have happened,
Speaker 1: he would be like, yo, yo, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Watch that's you know, that's the vows girl, that's the
Speaker 1: Vowles wife. And it's important for us to have that community. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and it's tough. And also, you know, we should find
Speaker 1: out what part of Brooklyn man, because Brooklyn has changed.
Speaker 1: You could be in bed style. I'd be around old school,
Speaker 1: biggie type of Brooklyn and then walk one block and
Speaker 1: then being like park Slope type of exactly. You'd be like,
Speaker 1: what in the Connecticut Muffin is exactly Connecticut Muffin pop up?
Speaker 1: And we were just like, what the hell across from
Speaker 1: the Roster spot connect Me, nobody gonna go there? Closed
Speaker 1: down a six months the hood rejected Connecticut. They sure did.
Speaker 1: But you know what, also too, with your girl, we
Speaker 1: can totally have her bring some of her Southern hospitality
Speaker 1: up here. It's refreshing sometimes to see that, well me
Speaker 1: at least, it's refreshing to see someone you know smiling
Speaker 1: say hello. So since don't be discouraged, don't make discourage.
Speaker 1: You're gonna you're gonna love the nightlife and stuff being
Speaker 1: open late and you want you can hit up the
Speaker 1: jerk chicken spot mad late because you know he's still
Speaker 1: gonna have this grill out on the side of you know,
Speaker 1: four o'clock in the morning after the club, like, you know,
Speaker 1: take it for what it is, and you should probably
Speaker 1: head down to the South to to see what she
Speaker 1: were not even in the South, but she's in from Pittsburgh,
Speaker 1: so you can take a look and see what if
Speaker 1: he's over there. If you speak to people in the neighborhood,
Speaker 1: they'll speak back. Yeah. Absolutely, spread love. It's the Brooklyn way. Hey, baby, baby, alright,
Speaker 1: question number two, Question number two, want me to read
Speaker 1: this one? I read it all right ahead. We live
Speaker 1: in For some reason, she's like reading out loud today.
Speaker 1: I don't know. Just school, Jackson's out of school. It's
Speaker 1: just we live in Virginia Beach. And my wife recently
Speaker 1: explained to me that she is having a hard time
Speaker 1: in our marriage because we got married at such a
Speaker 1: young age, and she feels that she hasn't gotten a
Speaker 1: figure out what she really wants in life, and now
Speaker 1: she lives in my shadow because she sees me coming
Speaker 1: home from work and feeling fulfilled. Oh this sounds so
Speaker 1: familiar in there. Meanwhile, she hates her job. How do
Speaker 1: I support her and figuring this out? I'll let you
Speaker 1: answer to speak to us. So why don't she It's
Speaker 1: funny because we've had different phases through our relationship where
Speaker 1: I did feel like, you know what, I'd love to be,
Speaker 1: you know, at home and just take care of the
Speaker 1: household and rear the kids. And at this point, I
Speaker 1: don't even think we only had one child. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: didn't have no child? Or do we we didn't have
Speaker 1: any children? The first one I was playing balls still,
Speaker 1: oh yes, when if I was playing ball, so I
Speaker 1: felt like it's like, you know, I can be at
Speaker 1: home and be the support of DeVos knees and all that.
Speaker 1: And after about two point five seconds that I was like,
Speaker 1: what's my purpose in life? I have none. I need
Speaker 1: to find something to do for myself. So, you know,
Speaker 1: it's hard because when you're with somebody, especially if I'm
Speaker 1: not sure how long you guys have been together, Um,
Speaker 1: but you know, a lot of your hopes and dreams
Speaker 1: and aspirations become each other's, So I would say encourageurn
Speaker 1: not to lose sight of what that is. Um. It's
Speaker 1: hard sometimes as an individual when you're with somebody and
Speaker 1: growing in a really ship, you kind of feel like
Speaker 1: sometimes you you kind of take a back seat, you know,
Speaker 1: but also too in a relationship you have. UM, there's
Speaker 1: like ebbs and flows. So at one point you may
Speaker 1: be thriving in your career, she may have to take
Speaker 1: a back seat to be the support system you need
Speaker 1: a home, and then vice versa, the title shift. UM.
Speaker 1: But I think the biggest thing for you helping her
Speaker 1: through this is trying to help her figure out what
Speaker 1: it is she wants to do. You know, if she's
Speaker 1: miserable in her job, is it just the job itself?
Speaker 1: Is it her career choice? Um? And how you can
Speaker 1: be able to help her get to that next level
Speaker 1: whatever it is. I mean, that was very vocal about
Speaker 1: not allowing me to sulk in my sorrows and being like, hey,
Speaker 1: if you really want to do X y Z, how
Speaker 1: can we make this happen? How can I assist you
Speaker 1: in that? Um? So, yeah, it is hard, but I
Speaker 1: did learn some things. Thought you did? Would you learn?
Speaker 1: I learned this? Okay, gentlemen, A lot of men have
Speaker 1: a superhero guide complex where we feel like we can
Speaker 1: solve all of our women's problems. We fucking can't. Sometimes
Speaker 1: you have to just sit back and say, Bay, figure
Speaker 1: it out because what happens, No, seriously, because this is
Speaker 1: her life. It's her purpose sometimes in her life, and
Speaker 1: her purpose will not involve you at all. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And I remember when one time, in particular,
Speaker 1: it's two thousand seven, I'm making a lot of money.
Speaker 1: You're at home. We have our own apartment. I'm like, Yo,
Speaker 1: I'm doing this something, this this man thing I'm doing,
Speaker 1: and my wife is taking care of She's kept. I
Speaker 1: come home nine sitting in the dark with no TV on,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I'm like, yo, what is wrong with you?
Speaker 1: And she's like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm
Speaker 1: just here. I just here. I got my degree. You're
Speaker 1: just sitting exactly a bunch of stuff. Yeah, we went shopping,
Speaker 1: We went to whatever North wille mall, spend a ton
Speaker 1: of money. She was a happy right. Two days later,
Speaker 1: I have a friend bag. So I was like, you
Speaker 1: know what, you know, what do you want to do?
Speaker 1: And it's really the finding happiness in yourself. You cannot
Speaker 1: rely on your spouse or your significant other to be
Speaker 1: your soul source of happy because if that's the case,
Speaker 1: you're going to be left disappointed time and time and
Speaker 1: time again. And but for men. But that's part of
Speaker 1: the problem though, because it's question is a great question.
Speaker 1: How could I support you? Know what I'm saying, because
Speaker 1: because we have to find ways to support you guys.
Speaker 1: But a lot of times in supporting, supporting doesn't mean
Speaker 1: doing the work. Supporting means sometimes falling back, not being
Speaker 1: a crutch and saying this is what you want, go
Speaker 1: get it. You know, I'm saying, oh, you have a
Speaker 1: job interview. Okay, I'll make sure you get there on time,
Speaker 1: but go do it. Because her doing that in herself
Speaker 1: on her own maybe so fulfilling and she'll realize, like,
Speaker 1: this is what I meant to do. So sometimes that
Speaker 1: support system is falling back and let her just be
Speaker 1: a woman and be herself and and just be like
Speaker 1: be there for being here to listen to and don't
Speaker 1: say nothing and just keep your mouth shut. But I mean,
Speaker 1: every everyone, regardless of this man woman relationship or not,
Speaker 1: you are constantly working to figure out what your purpose is.
Speaker 1: Something went right off the bat, like said early on,
Speaker 1: you know with her, she knew off the bat, after
Speaker 1: her experience at twenty years old, that this was going
Speaker 1: to be her path. Some people have to take the
Speaker 1: scenic route to getting to that purpose, and that just
Speaker 1: maybe where your girlfriend is, um right now? So yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what, friend, that your wife they are married.
Speaker 1: They're married. We didn't even point out and I can't
Speaker 1: believe I missed this right They said they got married
Speaker 1: at a young age, and she says now in their marriage,
Speaker 1: she feels like she wants to find her purpose. You
Speaker 1: know what probably happened. She probably felt like being a
Speaker 1: wife was going to fulfill her purpose. And now she's
Speaker 1: a wife and it's like, okay, what's next, what's next?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. And the thing is, as men,
Speaker 1: we don't have that. We don't have that like that
Speaker 1: isn't socially conditioning condition for us to feel like, oh,
Speaker 1: I want to become a husband. You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: For a for a woman, it's almost like a prize.
Speaker 1: Oh you're someone's wife, and not necessarily I think. I
Speaker 1: think that there's some men who pride themselves and being
Speaker 1: a husband and being able to provide, and some women
Speaker 1: don't aspire to be wives are married either. I get that.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is is think about how we
Speaker 1: condition our young men and young women growing up. Right,
Speaker 1: for prom women, you for the prom, you wait for
Speaker 1: a boy to ask you to prom, right to get engaged,
Speaker 1: you wait for the guy to propose, because I sure
Speaker 1: it's helling getting down on one knee, see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So as much as you can have this woman hearing
Speaker 1: me roar moments, I'll get down on both kneeds. And
Speaker 1: that's not right. There is why we need to here. No,
Speaker 1: you're funny, but it's true, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Like we've conditioned our women to feel like you feel
Speaker 1: fulfilled when you be asked on a date, or you
Speaker 1: get engaged, or you get married. And for some women,
Speaker 1: like you said, that's not fulfilling. I need other things,
Speaker 1: And maybe that's what they need to have a conversation
Speaker 1: and find out like what else do you want to do?
Speaker 1: And what else do you want to do? Six? Yeah,
Speaker 1: and be open about it. Absolutely, And if you want
Speaker 1: to be featured as one of our listener letters, email
Speaker 1: us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That
Speaker 1: is D A D A S S A D V
Speaker 1: I C E at gmail dot com. If you want
Speaker 1: to hear from us, Yes, and now it's time for
Speaker 1: the moment of truth. Can yes, sir, this episode was
Speaker 1: greatly about you. Yes you had. I sure did with
Speaker 1: you by my side. Yes, So talk to me. What's
Speaker 1: your moment of truth for today? I think after talking
Speaker 1: to Takia, having experienced her care, having had pretty much
Speaker 1: an extensive portfolio of different types of childbirth and labors
Speaker 1: and stuff with our three boys, my biggest takeaway or
Speaker 1: my biggest moment of truth would be for any woman
Speaker 1: to ensure that you are being your own advocate, and
Speaker 1: that means doing your due diligence with your research, knowing
Speaker 1: exactly what you want, having a birthing plan, having a
Speaker 1: pregnancy plan. Um. Sometimes pregnancy come up unexpected, but in
Speaker 1: that once you do know you're pregnant, just make sure
Speaker 1: that you're doing your due diligence so you can you're
Speaker 1: out what it is exactly you want and naturally sometimes
Speaker 1: you know mother nature kicks in, there may be complications
Speaker 1: that arise, But the most gratifying and the most calming
Speaker 1: thing is to know that you have UM confidence in
Speaker 1: the person that you choose to be alongside you on
Speaker 1: this journey, meaning whether it's a midwife or it's an O, B, G,
Speaker 1: Y n UM, whatever route you decide to take, make
Speaker 1: sure that you are your own advocate. You speak up
Speaker 1: for what you want. UM. You rely on them to
Speaker 1: be that source of expert opinion and expert knowledge, but
Speaker 1: be vocal about what it is you want out of
Speaker 1: your experience because it's a major time in life and
Speaker 1: having a baby is life changing. UM. With each child
Speaker 1: it gets to be a different experience. Every pregnancy is different,
Speaker 1: every labor is different, every delivery is different. UM. So
Speaker 1: just making sure that you have that autonomy over yourself,
Speaker 1: over your body, and over your care. I am listen
Speaker 1: to you speak about it as a woman. It seems
Speaker 1: so common place to you because you speak about care
Speaker 1: and I have a different take on it. Is your
Speaker 1: moment of truth having to deal more with like a
Speaker 1: man's perspective as a father, because I know a lot
Speaker 1: of guys talk to you about it. No My moment
Speaker 1: of truth is all about women. There is a divine,
Speaker 1: esoteric being about being a woman. Right. Women are the
Speaker 1: vessel that bring forth life into the world. Think about that. Right,
Speaker 1: if you take even with modern science, you take all
Speaker 1: of the sperm, all of the eggs, right, you get
Speaker 1: rid of all of the men in the world, you
Speaker 1: can still create life because you have women. That's the vessel.
Speaker 1: You get rid of all the women and you have men,
Speaker 1: we can't do ship right. I don't think people want
Speaker 1: to admit that that there's something divine about being a woman,
Speaker 1: and I think it's important that we remember that, especially
Speaker 1: when it comes to childbirth, the fact that you can
Speaker 1: bring life into the world. We have to take more
Speaker 1: care and more take heed to how important it is
Speaker 1: to understand how valuable the women reproductive system is and
Speaker 1: the ability to to bring in life, how important that
Speaker 1: is for humanity, absolutely, the outside of race, outside of anything,
Speaker 1: for just for humanity, for humanity women. If we want
Speaker 1: to continue to exist, we need women and we need
Speaker 1: to take care of them, take care of themselves. We
Speaker 1: have to know our rights, we have to have autonomy
Speaker 1: over our body. Absolutely, And you took over my moment
Speaker 1: of truth. I don't mind because I'm passionate about it exactly.
Speaker 1: And I don't mind because this is about women and
Speaker 1: I think that we all need to realize. And I
Speaker 1: love you for supporting me every single pregnancy and devoured
Speaker 1: so much research on his own. Every single time I've
Speaker 1: had a baby and wanted to do something different, he
Speaker 1: did his own research. When it came to the home
Speaker 1: birth thing, finding him in wife, he was actually bringing
Speaker 1: me information and statistics. So it was definitely a dual
Speaker 1: partnership all the way. He's like, if we're going to
Speaker 1: do this together and I'm going to be supporting you,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure I understand what's happening with
Speaker 1: your body to the best of my ability, which I
Speaker 1: respect about you as a man. Know, why do you
Speaker 1: know what it's like to look at the person you
Speaker 1: chose to bring forth life into the world and not
Speaker 1: know if you're going to see them when they come
Speaker 1: out of that room. I've been there before. I've been there.
Speaker 1: That means a lot to me when I when I
Speaker 1: watched you go in there and say that, Wow, this
Speaker 1: is the sacrifice she's making to help me bring forth life,
Speaker 1: continue my legacy. We talk a lot about equality in
Speaker 1: this world. There's nothing equal about being a man or
Speaker 1: a woman. There are things that women can do that
Speaker 1: men cannot do, and we have to take hey to that.
Speaker 1: All right now, look at him trying to get me
Speaker 1: to have another baby. That's all this is about, guy.
Speaker 1: I can get one more, absolutely not. I told you
Speaker 1: to keep it myde I will go check for my strings.
Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media. I am Cadine,
Speaker 1: I am on Instagram and I am devoured. That's I
Speaker 1: A M. D E V A L E on Instagram,
Speaker 1: Twitter and also Facebook. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be shut to rate review because we love to have
Speaker 1: feedback what you like and what we can improve on.
Speaker 1: And don't forget to hit that subscribe button that when
Speaker 1: we do a new episode automatically downloads to your phone,
Speaker 1: all automatic. I'm all about the automatic soundload, you know.
Speaker 1: That's why it's there and I can listen and all
Speaker 1: that good stuff. Dead as dead ass, we'll back. I'm
Speaker 1: Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast
Speaker 1: going on right now as part as the stitchen Net.
Speaker 1: We're called Substraction that's available everywhere Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,
Speaker 1: Apple Go. Listen right now to the distraction, right now,
Speaker 1: it's out. Do it. Please,