Speaker 1: I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was
Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my
Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and
Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is
Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some
Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Family trauma it is absolutely real. Now.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be your truth, but it will
Speaker 1: be a fact of your life and it will cont
Speaker 1: sdruct your story. And the challenging part about family trauma, chaotic, disruptive, abusive,
Speaker 1: neglectful family trauma is that it becomes etched into the
Speaker 1: fibers of your being in such a way that it's
Speaker 1: difficult to tell the distinction between you and the story.
Speaker 1: And it lands on those who have the capacity and
Speaker 1: the desire to do it differently, and that's hard. If
Speaker 1: you have broken bricks in your foundation, if you have
Speaker 1: toxic weeds, toxic roots in your foundation, you can pull
Speaker 1: them up, but it takes work, and the work starts
Speaker 1: with knowing how to tell your story, because if you
Speaker 1: don't learn how to tell your story, you become what
Speaker 1: I call s o s stuck on story, which leads
Speaker 1: to stuck on stupid, which leads to stuck on sad,
Speaker 1: stuck on sorrow. You have the opportunity not only to
Speaker 1: edit or rewrite the story, but to can it so
Speaker 1: that it never has to be played out in your
Speaker 1: world again. I've got an incredible story for you today,
Speaker 1: two sisters who are ready to relay the foundation and
Speaker 1: take a turn in a new direction beyond family dysfunction.
Speaker 1: They are incredible and I want you to hear their story.
Speaker 1: Good afternoon, Beloved's, welcome to the art spot And what
Speaker 1: is your relationship trauma dilemma? Issued allannge that we can
Speaker 1: work through together Today, we are trying to fix ourselves
Speaker 1: spiritually and physically because we've been through a lot during
Speaker 1: our childhood and adulthood. Followerment to it, Yeah, it's just
Speaker 1: causing a lot, a lot of stress, a lot of saying.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of depressions, stuff that can be fixable,
Speaker 1: but it's hard to fax, you know, alone, especially when
Speaker 1: you're the one that went through it. Well, when you
Speaker 1: say fixed, tell me what you mean. We want to
Speaker 1: move forward when everything is broken. We wanted to be prepared.
Speaker 1: We're ready to heal. We're ready to get rid of
Speaker 1: these things in our lives, get rid of the strong on.
Speaker 1: We're ready to be able to speak to our parents
Speaker 1: and tell them out truth without them shutting us out.
Speaker 1: We're arguing at us. They hear us, but they don't
Speaker 1: hear they're out listened it. They don't care to understand
Speaker 1: what we're trying to tell. They never taken in consideration. Basically,
Speaker 1: so you you two assisters? Is that accurate? Yeah? Okay?
Speaker 1: Who's the oldest, Deana? Okay? And how old are you?
Speaker 1: I'm thirty thirty okay. And then who's the baby sister?
Speaker 1: That's me, Maddie. I'm twenty three, twenty three. Oh, there's
Speaker 1: a big spread there, right, excellent. So, Tianna, here's your assignment.
Speaker 1: Tell me your story in a hundred words. My story
Speaker 1: is It's complicated, is traumatizing, is depressing. It's very heavy.
Speaker 1: I don't even have the words to describe my story.
Speaker 1: If I could pick a hunter words, they will all
Speaker 1: be words of weakness instead of words of strength. I
Speaker 1: gained so much curt and stress from it, but it's
Speaker 1: just terrible. Yeah, now, when did your story begin? As
Speaker 1: far as I can remember, my story begins at around
Speaker 1: age too, when I first saw the domestic volunt my
Speaker 1: mom get hit for the first time. Yeah, and Maddie,
Speaker 1: you weren't even born. Man, right, tell me your story
Speaker 1: a hundred words? What would your story be? My story
Speaker 1: is a roller coaster, honestly, because I'm very spiritual. What
Speaker 1: does that mean? I meditate, I understand, I read energies.
Speaker 1: A lot of people's energies affect me, and that's where
Speaker 1: a lot of my problems came in that because I
Speaker 1: was saying the things that were happening around me. So
Speaker 1: me being the baby. You know, the babies are mostly
Speaker 1: the fixtures of the family, you know, they can get
Speaker 1: everyone to come together, or the grandma. So I've always
Speaker 1: put myself in the place where I tried to fix everything,
Speaker 1: and that My life is a roller coaster, is depression,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to commit suicide. There's just a lot. Have
Speaker 1: you ever gotten professional help, counseling, coaching, therapy. Yes. When
Speaker 1: I tried to kill myself there like two thousands fifteen,
Speaker 1: my mom had scheduled some meetings for me and stuff,
Speaker 1: and I had a psychologists. After that first and second appointment,
Speaker 1: she felt like I didn't need it anymore, Like I
Speaker 1: didn't get the proper help. They would go for it,
Speaker 1: but they would never stick to it. They would make
Speaker 1: things look good basically. So your story as a roller
Speaker 1: poster of depression and suicide. I want to give you
Speaker 1: a language for what you're describing when you say you're spiritual,
Speaker 1: and it is that you are empathic. I'm emphatively yeah, clarsation.
Speaker 1: So you feel the specious air Satan clairvoyant sees Claire audience.
Speaker 1: Here's Clarsatian Fields. So you are clar Satan. That's your
Speaker 1: gift and it makes you empathic. So you feel what's
Speaker 1: going on that may or may not have anything to
Speaker 1: do with you being spiritual? Right, So I hear that
Speaker 1: there was domestic violence in your story, Okay, a lot
Speaker 1: of domestic violence. What else? Physical abuse? Verbal abuse? Okay,
Speaker 1: ran mental transpires to mental abuse, you know, yeah, and
Speaker 1: is that going on now? Yeah, the verbal abuse. Definitely
Speaker 1: domestic violeusing to the relationships that we bring out a
Speaker 1: head m hmm. So now you are repeating the pattern
Speaker 1: of domestic violence in your relationships. I did I feel
Speaker 1: like our relationships would be better if we didn't grow
Speaker 1: up in the type of environment that we did. Because
Speaker 1: most times people do go out and get a person
Speaker 1: that has characteristics of their mother or their father. Yes,
Speaker 1: they do, because we do what we know right, so
Speaker 1: the energy will attract what's familiar to us. But what
Speaker 1: I want us to look at is, you're not children anymore.
Speaker 1: Do you live with your parents now? So if you're
Speaker 1: not children anymore, if you don't live with your parents now,
Speaker 1: why is this still going on for you? I think
Speaker 1: we both have different answers to that. I'm the tear
Speaker 1: old Maddie. I have two younger kids. I have a
Speaker 1: one year old and I have a three year old,
Speaker 1: And at one point I was saying with my parents
Speaker 1: with my two children, and I let them do certain
Speaker 1: things that I knew wasn't okay, but because they you know,
Speaker 1: they did it with me, I didn't expect them to
Speaker 1: put my kids in that type of predicament. But they're narcissists.
Speaker 1: My dad got really attached to my son am I
Speaker 1: popped to death, That's all he knows. So it's like
Speaker 1: I can't just snatch them, you know, away from their grandparents.
Speaker 1: Because they both share equal love. But I kind of
Speaker 1: have to because that's not healthy for me or my kids.
Speaker 1: You know, one of the most challenging things for us
Speaker 1: to acknowledge and accept is that we can come from
Speaker 1: toxic roots. And what my experience has been usually when
Speaker 1: we come from toxic roots, it's because us. We are
Speaker 1: the ones who have been chosen to uproot the toxicity
Speaker 1: and do something different. You have to cut yourself off
Speaker 1: from the root, maybe not forever, but until you get
Speaker 1: strong enough to stand in the toxicity and not take
Speaker 1: it off. So I hear you saying to me what
Speaker 1: you can't do as opposed to what you can do,
Speaker 1: and what you can do is live beyond the trauma
Speaker 1: in order to learn something else. And it's not going
Speaker 1: to happen by magic. I heard both you and your
Speaker 1: sister say very clearly, we want to heal, we want
Speaker 1: to fix this. Well, the first way you fix it
Speaker 1: is to look at what it is and not make
Speaker 1: any judgments about it, but to forgive it so that
Speaker 1: you can do something else. Um well, I feel like
Speaker 1: I forgave them, but then with certain things happen, like
Speaker 1: you said, I gotta pick this on my own. But
Speaker 1: I've tried. I've cut myself off of it for many years.
Speaker 1: I've been going from home since I was seventeen years
Speaker 1: old when I needed somebody. Day just was not what
Speaker 1: they were supposed to be and it hurt me in
Speaker 1: a way that I can't really. Yeah. So let me
Speaker 1: ask you a question. You grew up with physical, verbal, emotional,
Speaker 1: and mental abuse and sexual and sexual okay, and you
Speaker 1: say they are still the way now that they were
Speaker 1: when you grow up. So my question is, why are
Speaker 1: you expecting them to give you now as you are
Speaker 1: an adult what they couldn't give you and didn't give
Speaker 1: you when you were a child. Well, I guess because
Speaker 1: I feel I have hope, I feel like I can
Speaker 1: grow and I can make changes in because you want to? Yeah,
Speaker 1: do they want to? You can't want them to want to.
Speaker 1: It's a toxic route. Doesn't make them bad people. They're
Speaker 1: doing what they know, believe it or not. They're doing
Speaker 1: the best that they can. And what if your lesson
Speaker 1: in life is to be okay with their toxicity and
Speaker 1: to do something else? Mhm. And what I'm hearing you
Speaker 1: say is you're trying to get your healing from the
Speaker 1: place you got hurt, and that is not gonna happen right.
Speaker 1: So now it's time for us to put ourselves in
Speaker 1: a position where we don't care how they act. Even
Speaker 1: if they do hurt, we can't hear. No, that's not
Speaker 1: the approach. Of course you care. This is your mom,
Speaker 1: this is your dad. The first thing you heard in
Speaker 1: life was her heartbeat. You are connected to her forever,
Speaker 1: but you get to choose how to be in relationship
Speaker 1: with her. My mother died when I was two, so
Speaker 1: my grandmother raised me. She was meaned in a at cat.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, when the goldfish saw my grandmother come in,
Speaker 1: they stopped swimming. They just stopped swimming, hopefully she wouldn't
Speaker 1: see him, okay. And my grandmother beat me in ways
Speaker 1: that I can't even tell you. And she beat me
Speaker 1: in the name of Jesus because she was convinced I
Speaker 1: had the devil in me. So when I turned eighteen,
Speaker 1: I disconnected from her. When I had children, I reintroduced
Speaker 1: myself to her, and she was still good to them.
Speaker 1: Mianus hell to me. And I know that you can't
Speaker 1: love my children and treat me poorly. I don't care
Speaker 1: what you say out your mouth. So I had to
Speaker 1: disconnect from her again and she was all I knew.
Speaker 1: She raised me. But we've been saying something to the
Speaker 1: generational person no matter what comes by it, because we're
Speaker 1: trying to get closure from what broke us in the
Speaker 1: first place and never never happened. So we can do
Speaker 1: is move forward. Is again, We're not gonna forget it
Speaker 1: made us who we are. Man, it's crazy, though. What's crazy?
Speaker 1: It's crazy that we watched my mom shift over three times.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? We watched her shift, We watched
Speaker 1: her shifts into multiple different versions of herself, but never
Speaker 1: really being herself. Because my mom and my dad are
Speaker 1: eleven years apart, and when they first started dating, I
Speaker 1: think she's like sixteen or something. When your dad's are day,
Speaker 1: she was like sixty. When my dad was messing my mom.
Speaker 1: My mom had me at fourteen. My dad was not
Speaker 1: being right, and my dad his narcissic waves are beyond narcissistic,
Speaker 1: like he's he's very controlling and stuff. So it's like,
Speaker 1: nobody knows our mom more than we know our mom.
Speaker 1: We know what type of person she is at heart,
Speaker 1: and my dad it's just her so many times with
Speaker 1: the domestic abuse, like certain she can't say, certain ways
Speaker 1: she can't look, you know, and us growing up being
Speaker 1: a loan, too much on her phone for so long,
Speaker 1: like can't pass gas. That's a real problem. Let me
Speaker 1: let me ask you this question because I heard you
Speaker 1: say that they are narcissists. Are you talking about your
Speaker 1: mother and your father? Okay, well, let's take a look
Speaker 1: at your mom for a moment, because she's your model
Speaker 1: of womanhood. What we see in our mothers. We spend
Speaker 1: so much time trying not to be like her that
Speaker 1: we never become who we are. Right, So, I'm hearing
Speaker 1: that you're trying not to be narcissistic, You're trying not
Speaker 1: to be controlled, You're trying not But the question she
Speaker 1: becomes who are you? And perhaps the focus needs to
Speaker 1: be not on her and what you don't want, but
Speaker 1: the focus needs to be on who you are and
Speaker 1: what you do want. Now, let me ask you a question,
Speaker 1: because you sound like very very conscious, intelligent young women.
Speaker 1: I don't know if that means you woke, But what
Speaker 1: do you think is going on in a woman's mind
Speaker 1: that would make her stay with a man who beats her?
Speaker 1: I feel as though that's all she knows. She's comfortable there,
Speaker 1: so if she does go out of her way, she's
Speaker 1: going to be very uncomfortable. It's familiar and she's comfortable. Yes,
Speaker 1: Why else would a woman stay with a man who
Speaker 1: beats her? She's scared, right, and she's scared. Good. What else?
Speaker 1: He traumatized herself? She don't know that, Like she's brainwashed. Okay,
Speaker 1: she's traumatized, she's brainwashed. What else she said within herself?
Speaker 1: She's not happy with herself? Okay? Is it possible she
Speaker 1: doesn't know who she is? Yeah? I wasn't gonna say that.
Speaker 1: She doesn't know exactly who she is anymore because he
Speaker 1: painted big creature for her and that's all she knows.
Speaker 1: Like she literally doesn't have any friends because when she
Speaker 1: does have friends, Brown, he has a problem with him,
Speaker 1: say or yeah, like he doesn't like anybody that really
Speaker 1: loved my mom. He doesn't want them around period. Okay,
Speaker 1: you're talking about your mom again. I just want you
Speaker 1: to talk about a woman would stay with a man
Speaker 1: she doesn't know because how about she has no place
Speaker 1: else to go? Yeah? Yeah, But what I want you
Speaker 1: to see is that you're talking about yourself. You stay
Speaker 1: attached to your parents because it's comfortable, because you're frightened
Speaker 1: not to be attached to them, because you're traumatized, because
Speaker 1: your brainwashed, because you're sad that they're not who you
Speaker 1: want them to be, because you don't know who you are.
Speaker 1: You just know who you don't want to be, because
Speaker 1: without your parents, you may feel like you don't have
Speaker 1: anybody else. So when you look at a woman or
Speaker 1: when you look at your mom, understand that you're looking
Speaker 1: at an aspect of yourself. Remember I told you that
Speaker 1: we really can't be affected about the stuff that goes
Speaker 1: on around us because it's just from another experience. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how does it make you feel to say those things
Speaker 1: about your mother that she's too frightened to lead, she's
Speaker 1: so traumatized and brainwashed, she's so sad, she doesn't know
Speaker 1: who she is, she has no place else to go,
Speaker 1: she had nobody to protect her, and that all of
Speaker 1: those things are for mill year to her. How does
Speaker 1: that make you feel? It makes me really upset. It
Speaker 1: makes me angry. H It makes me feel hate in
Speaker 1: my heart because I have a daughter, and I don't
Speaker 1: want my daughter to feel much just about me. So
Speaker 1: that's why I'd be so hard on my mom. That's
Speaker 1: why I tell her my treeth feelers, even if she
Speaker 1: doesn't want to hear it, even if she blows it all,
Speaker 1: That's why I tell her because that But we do
Speaker 1: affect people, your children watching you hurt every day, your
Speaker 1: children watching you not be yourself every day get they're permanently.
Speaker 1: You just change because you're afraid of how yourself to.
Speaker 1: And I never want my daughter to to look at
Speaker 1: me that way. Well, how do you want your daughter
Speaker 1: to look at you? I want my daughter to be
Speaker 1: proud of me. I want her to be like I
Speaker 1: want to be just like my mommy. I want to
Speaker 1: be strong, I want to be determined. I want to
Speaker 1: be successful. I want her to. I don't want her
Speaker 1: to let things like this affect her because she's her
Speaker 1: old person. The best way for you to do that
Speaker 1: is to look at what pain. Are you comfortable with?
Speaker 1: What frightens you? So that you don't walk away. We
Speaker 1: did certain things out of habit. We're not even mindful
Speaker 1: that we're doing that. You have to look at where
Speaker 1: your brainwashed. You have to look at do you really
Speaker 1: know who you are? Are you still living as the
Speaker 1: abused child? The traumataged child who wants mommy and daddy
Speaker 1: to change, or you gotta unlearn some stuff. You gotta
Speaker 1: learn that you don't have to be comfortable in pain. Great,
Speaker 1: And if you're still looking at your mom and what
Speaker 1: she's doing and judging that as narcissism, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: be able to clean it up in yourself. When you
Speaker 1: look at your mother you're looking at you don't look
Speaker 1: because imagine, just imagine with me, there must be a
Speaker 1: broken little girl, traumatized, sad, angry, depressed, upset little girl
Speaker 1: in your mother that would make her expose you to
Speaker 1: the things she's exposed to to. Did you hear me, Tianna, Yes, man,
Speaker 1: I feel like she wanted to do right, bonds, but
Speaker 1: she just couldn't. How about she didn't know how right.
Speaker 1: And the same way that there's a broken little girl
Speaker 1: inside your mother, there's a broken, traumatized, frightened little girl
Speaker 1: inside of you, a little girl, little boy. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it is. So your job now is to
Speaker 1: take care of that part of you by doing something different.
Speaker 1: And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the our spot. Tell me three things you
Speaker 1: think your mom needs right now. But one, I think
Speaker 1: she needs to get back connected with God. But I
Speaker 1: think she needs to remember what was she she capable
Speaker 1: of being. And for three, I think she just needs
Speaker 1: some guidance, She needs help, help to get out. I
Speaker 1: think she just needs to learn how to be herself. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do you think her connection with God would help her
Speaker 1: do that? I strongly believe that because she will her
Speaker 1: husband say, you don't believe in God, So I think
Speaker 1: that's a big part in her not following her faith.
Speaker 1: My grandmother grew us up in the church. When I
Speaker 1: talked to her about God, and when I talked to
Speaker 1: her about Jesus and the Holy Spirit, she she seems
Speaker 1: to understand, but her actions don't show that. M hm
Speaker 1: and miss Maddie, what do you think the three things
Speaker 1: are that your mom needs right now? The first thing
Speaker 1: I f let my mom needs a lot of faith,
Speaker 1: he needs love, and she needs time. She needs a
Speaker 1: lot of time. Time is in her own time, what
Speaker 1: she what she likes to do. That's what made me sad,
Speaker 1: because I really want to like, how many of these
Speaker 1: were you actually poking happy? How many actually feel what
Speaker 1: you what you do? I'm mad that I'll need to
Speaker 1: steel sad about it. I hate It's okay to be
Speaker 1: mad if I could do what you can do well
Speaker 1: not she doesn't have a model. Instead of being mad
Speaker 1: at her and angry at her for staying, why don't
Speaker 1: you become the model? We try? You try to fix
Speaker 1: her as opposed to fix in yourself. We set her
Speaker 1: down most of the time, not even together, but every
Speaker 1: time we go to have a conversation from like heart
Speaker 1: to heart or just letting our feelings out. Because we
Speaker 1: are your children, you are supposed to be the one
Speaker 1: that we combine in and we She is a broken
Speaker 1: little girl and you're trying to talk to her like
Speaker 1: she's an adult woman, and that's not working. Yeah, So
Speaker 1: the question becomes, how do you deal with somebody who
Speaker 1: can't hear you. The way you communicate with them is
Speaker 1: in sign language. You show them because they can't hear you.
Speaker 1: That means doing it differently. Yeah, I was gonna saying,
Speaker 1: and now it's definitely different because I haven't got away
Speaker 1: and I know that I can heal, and I know
Speaker 1: that I have the strength and stuff too. Is like
Speaker 1: I just wanted to bring my mom along with me.
Speaker 1: If that's not your business. Like you said, you can't
Speaker 1: can't miss her here. Your mother's healing is not your business.
Speaker 1: It's God's business. Now, I want you to raise your
Speaker 1: right hand up like you were taking an open court.
Speaker 1: Is it up? Say my mother needs to connect with God.
Speaker 1: My mother needs to connect with God just like me,
Speaker 1: just like me. My mother needs love. My mother leaves
Speaker 1: love just like me, just like me. My mother needs
Speaker 1: to take time to do what brings her joy. My
Speaker 1: mother needs to take time to joy, just like me,
Speaker 1: just like Yeah, And where in any of that does
Speaker 1: it say my mother needs to sit down and have
Speaker 1: a hard heart and admit to me some of the
Speaker 1: things that she's done. Every time you try to change
Speaker 1: your mom, you revisit the trauma of what happened and
Speaker 1: then causes trauma within your Say yeah, I mean what's
Speaker 1: beautiful for me is that you all are doing this together.
Speaker 1: I wanted to say that ever since I've been going
Speaker 1: I love it some team And the one thing I
Speaker 1: hated leave it by with my sister because I knew
Speaker 1: what she was going through. And like all these years,
Speaker 1: I'm like, no matter what, I don't care. Well, man,
Speaker 1: I don't care what I'm doing O care what I
Speaker 1: have to do. I want my sister with me. And
Speaker 1: it wasn't like we didn't choose this, Like life just
Speaker 1: happened and just so happened. I was in the right place,
Speaker 1: right where God needed me to be, and Monsters was
Speaker 1: able to come here with me. Two things I want
Speaker 1: you to hear me. I want you both to hear me.
Speaker 1: You survived. Millions didn't survive this suicide attempt, Miss Mattie millions,
Speaker 1: millions didn't survive sexual abuse, Miss Tiana, millions of women
Speaker 1: and men. You survived. That's the lesson. So instead of
Speaker 1: keep looking back talking about what didn't happen, I want
Speaker 1: you to turn around and look forward and say, what
Speaker 1: will happen with your faith, with your love, with your
Speaker 1: connection to God and you two holding on to each other,
Speaker 1: what will happen? Will happen? We will be great. We're
Speaker 1: about to move forward. We're about to build ourselves, build
Speaker 1: ourselves in faith, build ourselves mentally, spiritually, physically, God for
Speaker 1: and everything that's gonna follow. I really do believe that,
Speaker 1: like you said, You're not gonna give us more than
Speaker 1: we can handle. So every dently we was meant to
Speaker 1: go through this photo strengthen us. Everything that we go
Speaker 1: through in life is meant to strengthen you, no matter
Speaker 1: if it hurts, no matter if it makes you sad
Speaker 1: or cry. It's all for your benefit. If we had
Speaker 1: to be the example for our mom our family, we
Speaker 1: will be that. We can be that. So I hear you,
Speaker 1: and that sounds a lot different than we need to
Speaker 1: be fixed. We're broken. That's how you started out because
Speaker 1: I ain't playing because they made me man. It made
Speaker 1: me man. And when little things come up, when you
Speaker 1: remember being beaten or being yelled at, or being shut down,
Speaker 1: you say, and I survived. I'm moving forward because if not,
Speaker 1: you keep re traumatizing the broken little girl inside you.
Speaker 1: You reparent yourself by doing it differently to yourself, so
Speaker 1: when she's crying for mommy, you have to nurture yourself.
Speaker 1: The biggest thing for me is because as you said,
Speaker 1: you're working with generational stuff. So I've got two assignments.
Speaker 1: I want to give you three. Actually, the first assignment
Speaker 1: is to get your story down to a hundred words,
Speaker 1: because every time you recount the details, they did this,
Speaker 1: and they said that, and they do this and they
Speaker 1: do that. Every time you do that you re traumatized.
Speaker 1: Do you understand that? Yeah. Well, one of the things
Speaker 1: that you can do when something comes to mind for you,
Speaker 1: you remember beating, or leaving or or whatever, write it
Speaker 1: down on a piece of paper. I don't care if
Speaker 1: it's a paper bag. Write it down on a piece
Speaker 1: of paper. Set that piece of paper on fire. Mm hmm,
Speaker 1: I've that before. Yeah, flush it down the toilet. You
Speaker 1: know why you're changing the energy. You're taking it out
Speaker 1: of your brain and then you release it in a
Speaker 1: very natural way. Fire is a tool of God. God
Speaker 1: came to Moses in the fiery bush. You got it.
Speaker 1: You see how you got I told you you was woke. Okay,
Speaker 1: So does that make sense to you. I want you
Speaker 1: to look up Elevation Church and the pastor there his
Speaker 1: name is Stephen for Nick. Let me tell you why
Speaker 1: I'm sending you to Stephen fer Nick at Elevation Church.
Speaker 1: He's young, he's hip, and he doesn't beat you over
Speaker 1: the head with the Bible. I think he will speak
Speaker 1: to your soul and help you to connect with God
Speaker 1: in a language that as a young person I think
Speaker 1: you can understand. Because you're thirty. He's forty two, and
Speaker 1: he is powerful. So your second assignment is to get
Speaker 1: one lesson from Stephen Fertnick every day for the next
Speaker 1: thirty days. I don't care which sermon you listen to.
Speaker 1: He has one, what if he has another one? Bent knees,
Speaker 1: break chains, that's a beautiful sermon. But just go look
Speaker 1: and see. You know, not that I'm sending you to church.
Speaker 1: I'm sending you to a teacher because you have to
Speaker 1: learn how to be different, and I think you can
Speaker 1: find a lot with him. Yeah, So that's your second assignment,
Speaker 1: and your third assignment this I want you to hold
Speaker 1: each other's hands because this is a hard one. We're ready, Okay.
Speaker 1: I'm going to invite you to take a fast from
Speaker 1: your mother for the next forty days. Mhmm. That means
Speaker 1: no call, no text, no contact. You can do that
Speaker 1: from her and pop pop. Okay, you're going to be
Speaker 1: listening to pastor for Nick for thirty He's gonna help
Speaker 1: you get through that. Then you're gonna have ten days
Speaker 1: to integrate all that you've learned. So at the end
Speaker 1: of that forty days, you're going to have a new
Speaker 1: habit and you're going to be able to do things differently.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you. I'm telling you no contact, none,
Speaker 1: and she may want to know you're okay and and
Speaker 1: this and that that's okay. And you tell her I'm
Speaker 1: on a fast, I'm fasting from you, and she may
Speaker 1: be upset and she may be heard. You don't have
Speaker 1: to explain your no. I'm on the fire, love you
Speaker 1: mean it. I'm on the fire. I'll see you soon.
Speaker 1: You got too much energy, your hand crazy, We barely
Speaker 1: even moving. Don't know where I'll be right back. Okay,
Speaker 1: where is she going? I'm okay. Where is she going to?
Speaker 1: The bad food? Yeah? Okay, we'll talk to her when
Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back. I am me. I'm learning.
Speaker 1: This is the our spot. I want you to tell
Speaker 1: me something you know now that you didn't know when
Speaker 1: you first call. I did not know that working all
Speaker 1: myself could help God, my mom. I did not know
Speaker 1: that I was too folkys going trying to think to her,
Speaker 1: not understand that she didn't have the ability to listen
Speaker 1: because the same stuff that she put us think, she
Speaker 1: went through herself. And you also cannot make anyone understand you.
Speaker 1: Nobody's business to understand you but you and God, because
Speaker 1: that's the only one that's gonna take this walk with you.
Speaker 1: That's the only one that's gonna actually hear your cry
Speaker 1: and take it into their possession to to fix you.
Speaker 1: I get upset about the smallest things, the smallest things.
Speaker 1: My bride won't come on time, and I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is just pissing me off. I'm just so angry.
Speaker 1: Everything's making me angry. But in reality, God is blowing
Speaker 1: you down, trying to get you to understand this didn't
Speaker 1: work because of this, and that didn't work because of this,
Speaker 1: and we all have a hard time understanding that because
Speaker 1: we want things to go our way, but that's not
Speaker 1: an option excellence. So you learned a lot today, didn't you. Yes,
Speaker 1: a whole lot. Is Miss Tiana back? Yes, Okay, come
Speaker 1: to the phone, Miss Tianna. All right, tell me something
Speaker 1: you know now that you didn't know when you called today.
Speaker 1: After talking to you and saying some of the things
Speaker 1: that I said, I realized I do have this strip
Speaker 1: in the courage. I have the tools that I need
Speaker 1: to survive. And not only did I earn though, but
Speaker 1: God give them to me. We're sot. Yeah, we may
Speaker 1: do something that a lot of people didn't we knew that.
Speaker 1: But again, sometimes you just have to hear it from
Speaker 1: somewhere else and I can do it. I will do it.
Speaker 1: I am doing it, Miss Tianna. Oh, I want you
Speaker 1: to tell me three things that you appreciate about yourself. Oh.
Speaker 1: Number one is effect that no matter what's going on
Speaker 1: around me or no matter what happens to me, I
Speaker 1: never shy away from giving someone else love or kindness.
Speaker 1: M number two, Oh, you have a lot of things
Speaker 1: that I mean. I love my mind and I love
Speaker 1: the will power that I have to elevate. I love
Speaker 1: the understanding that I have with myself. Put it that way.
Speaker 1: That's called self awareness. You're aware of yourself, your strengths,
Speaker 1: your weaknesses, what you're working on, what you're want. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you three things that I appreciate about you? Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1: I first of all, appreciate the power of your energy.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, WHOA. I can feel you all the
Speaker 1: way through these phones and chords, And I just appreciate
Speaker 1: the power of your inner g I appreciate your loving,
Speaker 1: caring soul. That's why you never gave up reconnecting with
Speaker 1: your sister, and it was well into our conversation before
Speaker 1: it was revealed that you and her have different fathers,
Speaker 1: and you could have said my half sister, but you didn't.
Speaker 1: You said my sister. And that's because of the depth
Speaker 1: of caring and love in your heart. And the other
Speaker 1: thing that I really really appreciate about you, Miss Tiana,
Speaker 1: is your determination. You are I gotta fix, I gotta change,
Speaker 1: I gotta When someone has that level of determination, it
Speaker 1: says to me that they have a vision. That vision
Speaker 1: may not be clear, but because of the depth of
Speaker 1: your caring, love and determination, I know you have a vision.
Speaker 1: And my prayer for you is that vision becomes crystal
Speaker 1: clear and you step into it powerfully because that's who
Speaker 1: you are. Yeah, I appreciate you so much. Appreciate Miss Maddie.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you three things that I appreciate about you? Yes.
Speaker 1: One of the things that I learned a long long
Speaker 1: time ago that the best students get the hardest tests.
Speaker 1: That when life, the universe, God have a big job
Speaker 1: for you to do, you get some of the hardest tests.
Speaker 1: And when I hear some of the tests, particularly the
Speaker 1: suicidal ideations that you have overcome, it says to me
Speaker 1: that you have a gift and a mission. And the
Speaker 1: thing about a test, Miss Mattie, is you don't have
Speaker 1: to get a You just have to pass your test
Speaker 1: of trying to give up on life, because that says
Speaker 1: to me that your gift is stronger than your grief.
Speaker 1: My prayer for you is that that gift of empathetic
Speaker 1: feeling and clear sations that it grows into something that
Speaker 1: you can use to help others in the world. And
Speaker 1: I appreciate that you are supporting and holding onto and
Speaker 1: listening to your sister. And you are the young and
Speaker 1: I've really really appreciate that about you. So a couple
Speaker 1: of things I want to leave your with because I
Speaker 1: know that you're going to do your assignments. Your story
Speaker 1: is real, it's what happened, it's fact, but it's just
Speaker 1: that it's a story. And that story can be edited,
Speaker 1: that story can be rewritten, that story can be canned.
Speaker 1: You get to be the author, the creator of a
Speaker 1: new story. The other thing I want you to understand,
Speaker 1: particularly as young women in the new millennium, is that
Speaker 1: your family tree can put a noose around your neck,
Speaker 1: but the only way that it'll hang you is if
Speaker 1: you don't take the news off, and I think today
Speaker 1: you took the news off the other thing. I want
Speaker 1: you to know this is very important for you, Miss Maddie.
Speaker 1: Your mother was a broken little girl and she broke you.
Speaker 1: Not because she wanted to, not because she expected to.
Speaker 1: She broke you because she didn't know any better. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility
Speaker 1: and only you can fix your problem. Ms t honest
Speaker 1: as she appreciates her mind. So I want you to
Speaker 1: train yourself to focus on now, not then. What can
Speaker 1: I do now? If they didn't give you patience, be patient,
Speaker 1: If they didn't give you kindness, be kind if they
Speaker 1: didn't listen to you, listen to yourself, listen to each other.
Speaker 1: Give yourself now what they didn't give you, then, Yes, maybe,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. We really do appreciate you. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. I want you to check in. I
Speaker 1: want you to start your fast start your lessons and
Speaker 1: work on that story. Okay, all right, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Alright YouTube Villa of it, bye bye bye bye bye.
Speaker 1: So for all of you living out there that heard
Speaker 1: Miss Tiana and Miss Maddie, and you're dealing with your
Speaker 1: own family toxicity and your own cracks in your foundation
Speaker 1: and toxic roots in your life. I'm going to repeat
Speaker 1: this again, uh historical family, generational. As the lady said,
Speaker 1: curse that family tree can put a noose around your neck.
Speaker 1: But the only way it don't hang you is if
Speaker 1: you stay in the noose. For all of you who
Speaker 1: are down on your mom's because of what they did
Speaker 1: or what she did or what she didn't do judging her,
Speaker 1: remember this, broken little girls, break girls because they don't
Speaker 1: know how to do it differently. But it is your
Speaker 1: problem and your responsibility to get yourself healed. The way
Speaker 1: to do that focus on now and what can happen,
Speaker 1: because you've got to unlearn some stuff in order to
Speaker 1: learn some stuff. And if you're focusing on then, you
Speaker 1: won't make yourself available to the learning that's present now.
Speaker 1: If they didn't give you the good quality cookies, go
Speaker 1: by itself and eat all of them at once. Stop
Speaker 1: whining about what you didn't get then, and give it
Speaker 1: to yourself now. Family dysfunction, it's everywhere, and it's a test.
Speaker 1: And remember when you're tested, you don't have to get
Speaker 1: a you just have to pass. If you're here today, beloved,
Speaker 1: you passed, So it may be time to just celebrate.
Speaker 1: See you next time, and in the meantime, stay in peace,
Speaker 1: not pieces. I hope this has been helpful to someone,
Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any
Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven
Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all
Speaker 1: of the calling times. The R Spot is a production
Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For
Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.