1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:06,520 Speaker 1: I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:29,159 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the 7 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:33,479 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with 8 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:50,880 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Family trauma it is absolutely real. Now. 9 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be your truth, but it will 10 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:59,800 Speaker 1: be a fact of your life and it will cont 11 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:10,160 Speaker 1: sdruct your story. And the challenging part about family trauma, chaotic, disruptive, abusive, 12 00:01:10,319 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 1: neglectful family trauma is that it becomes etched into the 13 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:18,759 Speaker 1: fibers of your being in such a way that it's 14 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: difficult to tell the distinction between you and the story. 15 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:30,559 Speaker 1: And it lands on those who have the capacity and 16 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:36,559 Speaker 1: the desire to do it differently, and that's hard. If 17 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: you have broken bricks in your foundation, if you have 18 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:47,640 Speaker 1: toxic weeds, toxic roots in your foundation, you can pull 19 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: them up, but it takes work, and the work starts 20 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 1: with knowing how to tell your story, because if you 21 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,600 Speaker 1: don't learn how to tell your story, you become what 22 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,480 Speaker 1: I call s o s stuck on story, which leads 23 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: to stuck on stupid, which leads to stuck on sad, 24 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: stuck on sorrow. You have the opportunity not only to 25 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,079 Speaker 1: edit or rewrite the story, but to can it so 26 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,799 Speaker 1: that it never has to be played out in your 27 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 1: world again. I've got an incredible story for you today, 28 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: two sisters who are ready to relay the foundation and 29 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:40,400 Speaker 1: take a turn in a new direction beyond family dysfunction. 30 00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:45,120 Speaker 1: They are incredible and I want you to hear their story. 31 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 1: Good afternoon, Beloved's, welcome to the art spot And what 32 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: is your relationship trauma dilemma? Issued allannge that we can 33 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: work through together Today, we are trying to fix ourselves 34 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 1: spiritually and physically because we've been through a lot during 35 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: our childhood and adulthood. Followerment to it, Yeah, it's just 36 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: causing a lot, a lot of stress, a lot of saying. 37 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 1: There's a lot of depressions, stuff that can be fixable, 38 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:26,480 Speaker 1: but it's hard to fax, you know, alone, especially when 39 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: you're the one that went through it. Well, when you 40 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 1: say fixed, tell me what you mean. We want to 41 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: move forward when everything is broken. We wanted to be prepared. 42 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 1: We're ready to heal. We're ready to get rid of 43 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: these things in our lives, get rid of the strong on. 44 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: We're ready to be able to speak to our parents 45 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,920 Speaker 1: and tell them out truth without them shutting us out. 46 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: We're arguing at us. They hear us, but they don't 47 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 1: hear they're out listened it. They don't care to understand 48 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: what we're trying to tell. They never taken in consideration. Basically, 49 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: so you you two assisters? Is that accurate? Yeah? Okay? 50 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: Who's the oldest, Deana? Okay? And how old are you? 51 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 1: I'm thirty thirty okay. And then who's the baby sister? 52 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 1: That's me, Maddie. I'm twenty three, twenty three. Oh, there's 53 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:24,920 Speaker 1: a big spread there, right, excellent. So, Tianna, here's your assignment. 54 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:31,440 Speaker 1: Tell me your story in a hundred words. My story 55 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 1: is It's complicated, is traumatizing, is depressing. It's very heavy. 56 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: I don't even have the words to describe my story. 57 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,040 Speaker 1: If I could pick a hunter words, they will all 58 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: be words of weakness instead of words of strength. I 59 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,520 Speaker 1: gained so much curt and stress from it, but it's 60 00:04:54,560 --> 00:05:00,280 Speaker 1: just terrible. Yeah, now, when did your story begin? As 61 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,760 Speaker 1: far as I can remember, my story begins at around 62 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: age too, when I first saw the domestic volunt my 63 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 1: mom get hit for the first time. Yeah, and Maddie, 64 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:18,360 Speaker 1: you weren't even born. Man, right, tell me your story 65 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: a hundred words? What would your story be? My story 66 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:29,360 Speaker 1: is a roller coaster, honestly, because I'm very spiritual. What 67 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 1: does that mean? I meditate, I understand, I read energies. 68 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 1: A lot of people's energies affect me, and that's where 69 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:41,240 Speaker 1: a lot of my problems came in that because I 70 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:45,479 Speaker 1: was saying the things that were happening around me. So 71 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 1: me being the baby. You know, the babies are mostly 72 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,040 Speaker 1: the fixtures of the family, you know, they can get 73 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,600 Speaker 1: everyone to come together, or the grandma. So I've always 74 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: put myself in the place where I tried to fix everything, 75 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:03,480 Speaker 1: and that My life is a roller coaster, is depression, 76 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 1: I'm trying to commit suicide. There's just a lot. Have 77 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: you ever gotten professional help, counseling, coaching, therapy. Yes. When 78 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,880 Speaker 1: I tried to kill myself there like two thousands fifteen, 79 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:24,160 Speaker 1: my mom had scheduled some meetings for me and stuff, 80 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:29,360 Speaker 1: and I had a psychologists. After that first and second appointment, 81 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,000 Speaker 1: she felt like I didn't need it anymore, Like I 82 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: didn't get the proper help. They would go for it, 83 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,480 Speaker 1: but they would never stick to it. They would make 84 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: things look good basically. So your story as a roller 85 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: poster of depression and suicide. I want to give you 86 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: a language for what you're describing when you say you're spiritual, 87 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: and it is that you are empathic. I'm emphatively yeah, clarsation. 88 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 1: So you feel the specious air Satan clairvoyant sees Claire audience. 89 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 1: Here's Clarsatian Fields. So you are clar Satan. That's your 90 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: gift and it makes you empathic. So you feel what's 91 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,560 Speaker 1: going on that may or may not have anything to 92 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 1: do with you being spiritual? Right, So I hear that 93 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:32,040 Speaker 1: there was domestic violence in your story, Okay, a lot 94 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 1: of domestic violence. What else? Physical abuse? Verbal abuse? Okay, 95 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:44,720 Speaker 1: ran mental transpires to mental abuse, you know, yeah, and 96 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 1: is that going on now? Yeah, the verbal abuse. Definitely 97 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: domestic violeusing to the relationships that we bring out a 98 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 1: head m hmm. So now you are repeating the pattern 99 00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:02,160 Speaker 1: of domestic violence in your relationships. I did I feel 100 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: like our relationships would be better if we didn't grow 101 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 1: up in the type of environment that we did. Because 102 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 1: most times people do go out and get a person 103 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 1: that has characteristics of their mother or their father. Yes, 104 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: they do, because we do what we know right, so 105 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:27,680 Speaker 1: the energy will attract what's familiar to us. But what 106 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:33,000 Speaker 1: I want us to look at is, you're not children anymore. 107 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 1: Do you live with your parents now? So if you're 108 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:42,480 Speaker 1: not children anymore, if you don't live with your parents now, 109 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:47,560 Speaker 1: why is this still going on for you? I think 110 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: we both have different answers to that. I'm the tear 111 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,200 Speaker 1: old Maddie. I have two younger kids. I have a 112 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: one year old and I have a three year old, 113 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:00,720 Speaker 1: And at one point I was saying with my parents 114 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:05,680 Speaker 1: with my two children, and I let them do certain 115 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: things that I knew wasn't okay, but because they you know, 116 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 1: they did it with me, I didn't expect them to 117 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: put my kids in that type of predicament. But they're narcissists. 118 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:22,480 Speaker 1: My dad got really attached to my son am I 119 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,839 Speaker 1: popped to death, That's all he knows. So it's like 120 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: I can't just snatch them, you know, away from their grandparents. 121 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: Because they both share equal love. But I kind of 122 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:37,240 Speaker 1: have to because that's not healthy for me or my kids. 123 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:43,000 Speaker 1: You know, one of the most challenging things for us 124 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:50,400 Speaker 1: to acknowledge and accept is that we can come from 125 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:56,520 Speaker 1: toxic roots. And what my experience has been usually when 126 00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 1: we come from toxic roots, it's because us. We are 127 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: the ones who have been chosen to uproot the toxicity 128 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: and do something different. You have to cut yourself off 129 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:16,560 Speaker 1: from the root, maybe not forever, but until you get 130 00:10:16,679 --> 00:10:21,200 Speaker 1: strong enough to stand in the toxicity and not take 131 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: it off. So I hear you saying to me what 132 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:28,720 Speaker 1: you can't do as opposed to what you can do, 133 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 1: and what you can do is live beyond the trauma 134 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,040 Speaker 1: in order to learn something else. And it's not going 135 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,199 Speaker 1: to happen by magic. I heard both you and your 136 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:44,720 Speaker 1: sister say very clearly, we want to heal, we want 137 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:49,319 Speaker 1: to fix this. Well, the first way you fix it 138 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 1: is to look at what it is and not make 139 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:57,760 Speaker 1: any judgments about it, but to forgive it so that 140 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,120 Speaker 1: you can do something else. Um well, I feel like 141 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,120 Speaker 1: I forgave them, but then with certain things happen, like 142 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,320 Speaker 1: you said, I gotta pick this on my own. But 143 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,160 Speaker 1: I've tried. I've cut myself off of it for many years. 144 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 1: I've been going from home since I was seventeen years 145 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,800 Speaker 1: old when I needed somebody. Day just was not what 146 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,439 Speaker 1: they were supposed to be and it hurt me in 147 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,439 Speaker 1: a way that I can't really. Yeah. So let me 148 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,400 Speaker 1: ask you a question. You grew up with physical, verbal, emotional, 149 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 1: and mental abuse and sexual and sexual okay, and you 150 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,640 Speaker 1: say they are still the way now that they were 151 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,839 Speaker 1: when you grow up. So my question is, why are 152 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,839 Speaker 1: you expecting them to give you now as you are 153 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 1: an adult what they couldn't give you and didn't give 154 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 1: you when you were a child. Well, I guess because 155 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,200 Speaker 1: I feel I have hope, I feel like I can 156 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 1: grow and I can make changes in because you want to? Yeah, 157 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:56,439 Speaker 1: do they want to? You can't want them to want to. 158 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 1: It's a toxic route. Doesn't make them bad people. They're 159 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,440 Speaker 1: doing what they know, believe it or not. They're doing 160 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:06,840 Speaker 1: the best that they can. And what if your lesson 161 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:11,600 Speaker 1: in life is to be okay with their toxicity and 162 00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:15,839 Speaker 1: to do something else? Mhm. And what I'm hearing you 163 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 1: say is you're trying to get your healing from the 164 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:24,000 Speaker 1: place you got hurt, and that is not gonna happen right. 165 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,000 Speaker 1: So now it's time for us to put ourselves in 166 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,560 Speaker 1: a position where we don't care how they act. Even 167 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 1: if they do hurt, we can't hear. No, that's not 168 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:38,560 Speaker 1: the approach. Of course you care. This is your mom, 169 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 1: this is your dad. The first thing you heard in 170 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 1: life was her heartbeat. You are connected to her forever, 171 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 1: but you get to choose how to be in relationship 172 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:56,520 Speaker 1: with her. My mother died when I was two, so 173 00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: my grandmother raised me. She was meaned in a at cat. 174 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,440 Speaker 1: Oh my god, when the goldfish saw my grandmother come in, 175 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:13,680 Speaker 1: they stopped swimming. They just stopped swimming, hopefully she wouldn't 176 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: see him, okay. And my grandmother beat me in ways 177 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: that I can't even tell you. And she beat me 178 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:25,200 Speaker 1: in the name of Jesus because she was convinced I 179 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: had the devil in me. So when I turned eighteen, 180 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,200 Speaker 1: I disconnected from her. When I had children, I reintroduced 181 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,720 Speaker 1: myself to her, and she was still good to them. 182 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: Mianus hell to me. And I know that you can't 183 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:47,280 Speaker 1: love my children and treat me poorly. I don't care 184 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: what you say out your mouth. So I had to 185 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:53,880 Speaker 1: disconnect from her again and she was all I knew. 186 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: She raised me. But we've been saying something to the 187 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:01,960 Speaker 1: generational person no matter what comes by it, because we're 188 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,520 Speaker 1: trying to get closure from what broke us in the 189 00:14:04,559 --> 00:14:07,920 Speaker 1: first place and never never happened. So we can do 190 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 1: is move forward. Is again, We're not gonna forget it 191 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: made us who we are. Man, it's crazy, though. What's crazy? 192 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:21,080 Speaker 1: It's crazy that we watched my mom shift over three times. 193 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: What does that mean? We watched her shift, We watched 194 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: her shifts into multiple different versions of herself, but never 195 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,520 Speaker 1: really being herself. Because my mom and my dad are 196 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: eleven years apart, and when they first started dating, I 197 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,640 Speaker 1: think she's like sixteen or something. When your dad's are day, 198 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,200 Speaker 1: she was like sixty. When my dad was messing my mom. 199 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,400 Speaker 1: My mom had me at fourteen. My dad was not 200 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 1: being right, and my dad his narcissic waves are beyond narcissistic, 201 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,640 Speaker 1: like he's he's very controlling and stuff. So it's like, 202 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,360 Speaker 1: nobody knows our mom more than we know our mom. 203 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 1: We know what type of person she is at heart, 204 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,400 Speaker 1: and my dad it's just her so many times with 205 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 1: the domestic abuse, like certain she can't say, certain ways 206 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: she can't look, you know, and us growing up being 207 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,280 Speaker 1: a loan, too much on her phone for so long, 208 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 1: like can't pass gas. That's a real problem. Let me 209 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: let me ask you this question because I heard you 210 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:30,560 Speaker 1: say that they are narcissists. Are you talking about your 211 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 1: mother and your father? Okay, well, let's take a look 212 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,080 Speaker 1: at your mom for a moment, because she's your model 213 00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 1: of womanhood. What we see in our mothers. We spend 214 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: so much time trying not to be like her that 215 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: we never become who we are. Right, So, I'm hearing 216 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 1: that you're trying not to be narcissistic, You're trying not 217 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,120 Speaker 1: to be controlled, You're trying not But the question she 218 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,760 Speaker 1: becomes who are you? And perhaps the focus needs to 219 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: be not on her and what you don't want, but 220 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,680 Speaker 1: the focus needs to be on who you are and 221 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,400 Speaker 1: what you do want. Now, let me ask you a question, 222 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:19,280 Speaker 1: because you sound like very very conscious, intelligent young women. 223 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:24,320 Speaker 1: I don't know if that means you woke, But what 224 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: do you think is going on in a woman's mind 225 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,760 Speaker 1: that would make her stay with a man who beats her? 226 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 1: I feel as though that's all she knows. She's comfortable there, 227 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,480 Speaker 1: so if she does go out of her way, she's 228 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: going to be very uncomfortable. It's familiar and she's comfortable. Yes, 229 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: Why else would a woman stay with a man who 230 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:50,480 Speaker 1: beats her? She's scared, right, and she's scared. Good. What else? 231 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:57,080 Speaker 1: He traumatized herself? She don't know that, Like she's brainwashed. Okay, 232 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: she's traumatized, she's brainwashed. What else she said within herself? 233 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,959 Speaker 1: She's not happy with herself? Okay? Is it possible she 234 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,159 Speaker 1: doesn't know who she is? Yeah? I wasn't gonna say that. 235 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 1: She doesn't know exactly who she is anymore because he 236 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: painted big creature for her and that's all she knows. 237 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 1: Like she literally doesn't have any friends because when she 238 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,840 Speaker 1: does have friends, Brown, he has a problem with him, 239 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:25,240 Speaker 1: say or yeah, like he doesn't like anybody that really 240 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,280 Speaker 1: loved my mom. He doesn't want them around period. Okay, 241 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,240 Speaker 1: you're talking about your mom again. I just want you 242 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: to talk about a woman would stay with a man 243 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:39,680 Speaker 1: she doesn't know because how about she has no place 244 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,679 Speaker 1: else to go? Yeah? Yeah, But what I want you 245 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:47,480 Speaker 1: to see is that you're talking about yourself. You stay 246 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:52,240 Speaker 1: attached to your parents because it's comfortable, because you're frightened 247 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: not to be attached to them, because you're traumatized, because 248 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:02,320 Speaker 1: your brainwashed, because you're sad that they're not who you 249 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:05,880 Speaker 1: want them to be, because you don't know who you are. 250 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:09,640 Speaker 1: You just know who you don't want to be, because 251 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 1: without your parents, you may feel like you don't have 252 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:17,359 Speaker 1: anybody else. So when you look at a woman or 253 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,399 Speaker 1: when you look at your mom, understand that you're looking 254 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:27,440 Speaker 1: at an aspect of yourself. Remember I told you that 255 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,960 Speaker 1: we really can't be affected about the stuff that goes 256 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: on around us because it's just from another experience. Yeah, 257 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: how does it make you feel to say those things 258 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 1: about your mother that she's too frightened to lead, she's 259 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:50,159 Speaker 1: so traumatized and brainwashed, she's so sad, she doesn't know 260 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,160 Speaker 1: who she is, she has no place else to go, 261 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:58,159 Speaker 1: she had nobody to protect her, and that all of 262 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,800 Speaker 1: those things are for mill year to her. How does 263 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:06,199 Speaker 1: that make you feel? It makes me really upset. It 264 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,439 Speaker 1: makes me angry. H It makes me feel hate in 265 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:15,760 Speaker 1: my heart because I have a daughter, and I don't 266 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:19,359 Speaker 1: want my daughter to feel much just about me. So 267 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 1: that's why I'd be so hard on my mom. That's 268 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,919 Speaker 1: why I tell her my treeth feelers, even if she 269 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,880 Speaker 1: doesn't want to hear it, even if she blows it all, 270 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 1: That's why I tell her because that But we do 271 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 1: affect people, your children watching you hurt every day, your 272 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,639 Speaker 1: children watching you not be yourself every day get they're permanently. 273 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:42,240 Speaker 1: You just change because you're afraid of how yourself to. 274 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 1: And I never want my daughter to to look at 275 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,160 Speaker 1: me that way. Well, how do you want your daughter 276 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,240 Speaker 1: to look at you? I want my daughter to be 277 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,639 Speaker 1: proud of me. I want her to be like I 278 00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,720 Speaker 1: want to be just like my mommy. I want to 279 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: be strong, I want to be determined. I want to 280 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,959 Speaker 1: be successful. I want her to. I don't want her 281 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,560 Speaker 1: to let things like this affect her because she's her 282 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 1: old person. The best way for you to do that 283 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:13,320 Speaker 1: is to look at what pain. Are you comfortable with? 284 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:18,679 Speaker 1: What frightens you? So that you don't walk away. We 285 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,560 Speaker 1: did certain things out of habit. We're not even mindful 286 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: that we're doing that. You have to look at where 287 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:30,399 Speaker 1: your brainwashed. You have to look at do you really 288 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,480 Speaker 1: know who you are? Are you still living as the 289 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 1: abused child? The traumataged child who wants mommy and daddy 290 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:43,880 Speaker 1: to change, or you gotta unlearn some stuff. You gotta 291 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: learn that you don't have to be comfortable in pain. Great, 292 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,879 Speaker 1: And if you're still looking at your mom and what 293 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: she's doing and judging that as narcissism, you're not gonna 294 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,199 Speaker 1: be able to clean it up in yourself. When you 295 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 1: look at your mother you're looking at you don't look 296 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:09,440 Speaker 1: because imagine, just imagine with me, there must be a 297 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:16,040 Speaker 1: broken little girl, traumatized, sad, angry, depressed, upset little girl 298 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:21,439 Speaker 1: in your mother that would make her expose you to 299 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:28,600 Speaker 1: the things she's exposed to to. Did you hear me, Tianna, Yes, man, 300 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,119 Speaker 1: I feel like she wanted to do right, bonds, but 301 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:37,640 Speaker 1: she just couldn't. How about she didn't know how right. 302 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: And the same way that there's a broken little girl 303 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 1: inside your mother, there's a broken, traumatized, frightened little girl 304 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:53,160 Speaker 1: inside of you, a little girl, little boy. I don't 305 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:59,119 Speaker 1: know what it is. So your job now is to 306 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:05,120 Speaker 1: take care of that part of you by doing something different. 307 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:16,360 Speaker 1: And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome 308 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,199 Speaker 1: back to the our spot. Tell me three things you 309 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:24,120 Speaker 1: think your mom needs right now. But one, I think 310 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 1: she needs to get back connected with God. But I 311 00:22:29,119 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: think she needs to remember what was she she capable 312 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:41,400 Speaker 1: of being. And for three, I think she just needs 313 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:49,919 Speaker 1: some guidance, She needs help, help to get out. I 314 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:55,480 Speaker 1: think she just needs to learn how to be herself. Yeah. 315 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,919 Speaker 1: Do you think her connection with God would help her 316 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: do that? I strongly believe that because she will her 317 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,520 Speaker 1: husband say, you don't believe in God, So I think 318 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: that's a big part in her not following her faith. 319 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,000 Speaker 1: My grandmother grew us up in the church. When I 320 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:16,960 Speaker 1: talked to her about God, and when I talked to 321 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,439 Speaker 1: her about Jesus and the Holy Spirit, she she seems 322 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:25,280 Speaker 1: to understand, but her actions don't show that. M hm 323 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 1: and miss Maddie, what do you think the three things 324 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,120 Speaker 1: are that your mom needs right now? The first thing 325 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:34,879 Speaker 1: I f let my mom needs a lot of faith, 326 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 1: he needs love, and she needs time. She needs a 327 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:46,639 Speaker 1: lot of time. Time is in her own time, what 328 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:51,040 Speaker 1: she what she likes to do. That's what made me sad, 329 00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,199 Speaker 1: because I really want to like, how many of these 330 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 1: were you actually poking happy? How many actually feel what 331 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,480 Speaker 1: you what you do? I'm mad that I'll need to 332 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,439 Speaker 1: steel sad about it. I hate It's okay to be 333 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,760 Speaker 1: mad if I could do what you can do well 334 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: not she doesn't have a model. Instead of being mad 335 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 1: at her and angry at her for staying, why don't 336 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 1: you become the model? We try? You try to fix 337 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,640 Speaker 1: her as opposed to fix in yourself. We set her 338 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 1: down most of the time, not even together, but every 339 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:34,640 Speaker 1: time we go to have a conversation from like heart 340 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: to heart or just letting our feelings out. Because we 341 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,160 Speaker 1: are your children, you are supposed to be the one 342 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,080 Speaker 1: that we combine in and we She is a broken 343 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,199 Speaker 1: little girl and you're trying to talk to her like 344 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:52,359 Speaker 1: she's an adult woman, and that's not working. Yeah, So 345 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:56,320 Speaker 1: the question becomes, how do you deal with somebody who 346 00:24:56,400 --> 00:25:00,199 Speaker 1: can't hear you. The way you communicate with them is 347 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:05,360 Speaker 1: in sign language. You show them because they can't hear you. 348 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:10,400 Speaker 1: That means doing it differently. Yeah, I was gonna saying, 349 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:14,000 Speaker 1: and now it's definitely different because I haven't got away 350 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:17,080 Speaker 1: and I know that I can heal, and I know 351 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 1: that I have the strength and stuff too. Is like 352 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 1: I just wanted to bring my mom along with me. 353 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 1: If that's not your business. Like you said, you can't 354 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:28,720 Speaker 1: can't miss her here. Your mother's healing is not your business. 355 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,760 Speaker 1: It's God's business. Now, I want you to raise your 356 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: right hand up like you were taking an open court. 357 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:40,119 Speaker 1: Is it up? Say my mother needs to connect with God. 358 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,240 Speaker 1: My mother needs to connect with God just like me, 359 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:49,280 Speaker 1: just like me. My mother needs love. My mother leaves 360 00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:54,320 Speaker 1: love just like me, just like me. My mother needs 361 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,359 Speaker 1: to take time to do what brings her joy. My 362 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:02,600 Speaker 1: mother needs to take time to joy, just like me, 363 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,480 Speaker 1: just like Yeah, And where in any of that does 364 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,879 Speaker 1: it say my mother needs to sit down and have 365 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,280 Speaker 1: a hard heart and admit to me some of the 366 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:18,359 Speaker 1: things that she's done. Every time you try to change 367 00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 1: your mom, you revisit the trauma of what happened and 368 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:29,160 Speaker 1: then causes trauma within your Say yeah, I mean what's 369 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,680 Speaker 1: beautiful for me is that you all are doing this together. 370 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,920 Speaker 1: I wanted to say that ever since I've been going 371 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,439 Speaker 1: I love it some team And the one thing I 372 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:42,200 Speaker 1: hated leave it by with my sister because I knew 373 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 1: what she was going through. And like all these years, 374 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,880 Speaker 1: I'm like, no matter what, I don't care. Well, man, 375 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,359 Speaker 1: I don't care what I'm doing O care what I 376 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:52,040 Speaker 1: have to do. I want my sister with me. And 377 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,280 Speaker 1: it wasn't like we didn't choose this, Like life just 378 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:58,200 Speaker 1: happened and just so happened. I was in the right place, 379 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,680 Speaker 1: right where God needed me to be, and Monsters was 380 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,560 Speaker 1: able to come here with me. Two things I want 381 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,560 Speaker 1: you to hear me. I want you both to hear me. 382 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: You survived. Millions didn't survive this suicide attempt, Miss Mattie millions, 383 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:22,320 Speaker 1: millions didn't survive sexual abuse, Miss Tiana, millions of women 384 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:29,399 Speaker 1: and men. You survived. That's the lesson. So instead of 385 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:34,200 Speaker 1: keep looking back talking about what didn't happen, I want 386 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,200 Speaker 1: you to turn around and look forward and say, what 387 00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:42,640 Speaker 1: will happen with your faith, with your love, with your 388 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,880 Speaker 1: connection to God and you two holding on to each other, 389 00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 1: what will happen? Will happen? We will be great. We're 390 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 1: about to move forward. We're about to build ourselves, build 391 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:59,800 Speaker 1: ourselves in faith, build ourselves mentally, spiritually, physically, God for 392 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,919 Speaker 1: and everything that's gonna follow. I really do believe that, 393 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,040 Speaker 1: like you said, You're not gonna give us more than 394 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,000 Speaker 1: we can handle. So every dently we was meant to 395 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,119 Speaker 1: go through this photo strengthen us. Everything that we go 396 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,880 Speaker 1: through in life is meant to strengthen you, no matter 397 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,840 Speaker 1: if it hurts, no matter if it makes you sad 398 00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,920 Speaker 1: or cry. It's all for your benefit. If we had 399 00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,199 Speaker 1: to be the example for our mom our family, we 400 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 1: will be that. We can be that. So I hear you, 401 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,720 Speaker 1: and that sounds a lot different than we need to 402 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 1: be fixed. We're broken. That's how you started out because 403 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:42,440 Speaker 1: I ain't playing because they made me man. It made 404 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,240 Speaker 1: me man. And when little things come up, when you 405 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: remember being beaten or being yelled at, or being shut down, 406 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:55,560 Speaker 1: you say, and I survived. I'm moving forward because if not, 407 00:28:56,120 --> 00:29:00,560 Speaker 1: you keep re traumatizing the broken little girl inside you. 408 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:05,800 Speaker 1: You reparent yourself by doing it differently to yourself, so 409 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:10,000 Speaker 1: when she's crying for mommy, you have to nurture yourself. 410 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,760 Speaker 1: The biggest thing for me is because as you said, 411 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:20,040 Speaker 1: you're working with generational stuff. So I've got two assignments. 412 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:27,440 Speaker 1: I want to give you three. Actually, the first assignment 413 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:30,360 Speaker 1: is to get your story down to a hundred words, 414 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,440 Speaker 1: because every time you recount the details, they did this, 415 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 1: and they said that, and they do this and they 416 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 1: do that. Every time you do that you re traumatized. 417 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:44,400 Speaker 1: Do you understand that? Yeah. Well, one of the things 418 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:49,160 Speaker 1: that you can do when something comes to mind for you, 419 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:53,760 Speaker 1: you remember beating, or leaving or or whatever, write it 420 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:55,719 Speaker 1: down on a piece of paper. I don't care if 421 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,520 Speaker 1: it's a paper bag. Write it down on a piece 422 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,640 Speaker 1: of paper. Set that piece of paper on fire. Mm hmm, 423 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 1: I've that before. Yeah, flush it down the toilet. You 424 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:10,840 Speaker 1: know why you're changing the energy. You're taking it out 425 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:14,040 Speaker 1: of your brain and then you release it in a 426 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: very natural way. Fire is a tool of God. God 427 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,479 Speaker 1: came to Moses in the fiery bush. You got it. 428 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:33,160 Speaker 1: You see how you got I told you you was woke. Okay, 429 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:37,840 Speaker 1: So does that make sense to you. I want you 430 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:43,080 Speaker 1: to look up Elevation Church and the pastor there his 431 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:48,280 Speaker 1: name is Stephen for Nick. Let me tell you why 432 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: I'm sending you to Stephen fer Nick at Elevation Church. 433 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:56,360 Speaker 1: He's young, he's hip, and he doesn't beat you over 434 00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:59,360 Speaker 1: the head with the Bible. I think he will speak 435 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: to your soul and help you to connect with God 436 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:06,120 Speaker 1: in a language that as a young person I think 437 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,760 Speaker 1: you can understand. Because you're thirty. He's forty two, and 438 00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:15,120 Speaker 1: he is powerful. So your second assignment is to get 439 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:19,280 Speaker 1: one lesson from Stephen Fertnick every day for the next 440 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,040 Speaker 1: thirty days. I don't care which sermon you listen to. 441 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:28,280 Speaker 1: He has one, what if he has another one? Bent knees, 442 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:33,160 Speaker 1: break chains, that's a beautiful sermon. But just go look 443 00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: and see. You know, not that I'm sending you to church. 444 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: I'm sending you to a teacher because you have to 445 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:43,960 Speaker 1: learn how to be different, and I think you can 446 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 1: find a lot with him. Yeah, So that's your second assignment, 447 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,520 Speaker 1: and your third assignment this I want you to hold 448 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:59,000 Speaker 1: each other's hands because this is a hard one. We're ready, Okay. 449 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:04,560 Speaker 1: I'm going to invite you to take a fast from 450 00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:09,360 Speaker 1: your mother for the next forty days. Mhmm. That means 451 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:14,880 Speaker 1: no call, no text, no contact. You can do that 452 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: from her and pop pop. Okay, you're going to be 453 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: listening to pastor for Nick for thirty He's gonna help 454 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:27,080 Speaker 1: you get through that. Then you're gonna have ten days 455 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:31,560 Speaker 1: to integrate all that you've learned. So at the end 456 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:34,880 Speaker 1: of that forty days, you're going to have a new 457 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 1: habit and you're going to be able to do things differently. 458 00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:45,400 Speaker 1: Does that make sense to you. I'm telling you no contact, none, 459 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,600 Speaker 1: and she may want to know you're okay and and 460 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:51,960 Speaker 1: this and that that's okay. And you tell her I'm 461 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:56,840 Speaker 1: on a fast, I'm fasting from you, and she may 462 00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:59,120 Speaker 1: be upset and she may be heard. You don't have 463 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,640 Speaker 1: to explain your no. I'm on the fire, love you 464 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,640 Speaker 1: mean it. I'm on the fire. I'll see you soon. 465 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:10,440 Speaker 1: You got too much energy, your hand crazy, We barely 466 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 1: even moving. Don't know where I'll be right back. Okay, 467 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:21,920 Speaker 1: where is she going? I'm okay. Where is she going to? 468 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:27,680 Speaker 1: The bad food? Yeah? Okay, we'll talk to her when 469 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:38,680 Speaker 1: we come back. Welcome back. I am me. I'm learning. 470 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:42,320 Speaker 1: This is the our spot. I want you to tell 471 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,080 Speaker 1: me something you know now that you didn't know when 472 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:50,880 Speaker 1: you first call. I did not know that working all 473 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:55,160 Speaker 1: myself could help God, my mom. I did not know 474 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 1: that I was too folkys going trying to think to her, 475 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,800 Speaker 1: not understand that she didn't have the ability to listen 476 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,800 Speaker 1: because the same stuff that she put us think, she 477 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:15,560 Speaker 1: went through herself. And you also cannot make anyone understand you. 478 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:20,200 Speaker 1: Nobody's business to understand you but you and God, because 479 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:22,960 Speaker 1: that's the only one that's gonna take this walk with you. 480 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,960 Speaker 1: That's the only one that's gonna actually hear your cry 481 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 1: and take it into their possession to to fix you. 482 00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:36,000 Speaker 1: I get upset about the smallest things, the smallest things. 483 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,600 Speaker 1: My bride won't come on time, and I'm just like, oh, 484 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:42,760 Speaker 1: this is just pissing me off. I'm just so angry. 485 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:47,680 Speaker 1: Everything's making me angry. But in reality, God is blowing 486 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,200 Speaker 1: you down, trying to get you to understand this didn't 487 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:52,920 Speaker 1: work because of this, and that didn't work because of this, 488 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,080 Speaker 1: and we all have a hard time understanding that because 489 00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:58,080 Speaker 1: we want things to go our way, but that's not 490 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:03,200 Speaker 1: an option excellence. So you learned a lot today, didn't you. Yes, 491 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:08,879 Speaker 1: a whole lot. Is Miss Tiana back? Yes, Okay, come 492 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:12,680 Speaker 1: to the phone, Miss Tianna. All right, tell me something 493 00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:16,000 Speaker 1: you know now that you didn't know when you called today. 494 00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:19,200 Speaker 1: After talking to you and saying some of the things 495 00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,080 Speaker 1: that I said, I realized I do have this strip 496 00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:24,719 Speaker 1: in the courage. I have the tools that I need 497 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:29,239 Speaker 1: to survive. And not only did I earn though, but 498 00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:34,759 Speaker 1: God give them to me. We're sot. Yeah, we may 499 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,520 Speaker 1: do something that a lot of people didn't we knew that. 500 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,160 Speaker 1: But again, sometimes you just have to hear it from 501 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:45,560 Speaker 1: somewhere else and I can do it. I will do it. 502 00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: I am doing it, Miss Tianna. Oh, I want you 503 00:35:53,040 --> 00:35:58,440 Speaker 1: to tell me three things that you appreciate about yourself. Oh. 504 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:03,640 Speaker 1: Number one is effect that no matter what's going on 505 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:07,000 Speaker 1: around me or no matter what happens to me, I 506 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:11,960 Speaker 1: never shy away from giving someone else love or kindness. 507 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:16,440 Speaker 1: M number two, Oh, you have a lot of things 508 00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,520 Speaker 1: that I mean. I love my mind and I love 509 00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,000 Speaker 1: the will power that I have to elevate. I love 510 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,480 Speaker 1: the understanding that I have with myself. Put it that way. 511 00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:30,640 Speaker 1: That's called self awareness. You're aware of yourself, your strengths, 512 00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:34,920 Speaker 1: your weaknesses, what you're working on, what you're want. Thank you. 513 00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:41,560 Speaker 1: Can I tell you three things that I appreciate about you? Yeah, okay. 514 00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 1: I first of all, appreciate the power of your energy. 515 00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:52,880 Speaker 1: Oh my god, WHOA. I can feel you all the 516 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:57,759 Speaker 1: way through these phones and chords, And I just appreciate 517 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:03,880 Speaker 1: the power of your inner g I appreciate your loving, 518 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:13,160 Speaker 1: caring soul. That's why you never gave up reconnecting with 519 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:18,200 Speaker 1: your sister, and it was well into our conversation before 520 00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:22,279 Speaker 1: it was revealed that you and her have different fathers, 521 00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,280 Speaker 1: and you could have said my half sister, but you didn't. 522 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:28,840 Speaker 1: You said my sister. And that's because of the depth 523 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:32,479 Speaker 1: of caring and love in your heart. And the other 524 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:35,800 Speaker 1: thing that I really really appreciate about you, Miss Tiana, 525 00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:41,360 Speaker 1: is your determination. You are I gotta fix, I gotta change, 526 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:47,560 Speaker 1: I gotta When someone has that level of determination, it 527 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,960 Speaker 1: says to me that they have a vision. That vision 528 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:55,160 Speaker 1: may not be clear, but because of the depth of 529 00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:59,680 Speaker 1: your caring, love and determination, I know you have a vision. 530 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,640 Speaker 1: And my prayer for you is that vision becomes crystal 531 00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:08,960 Speaker 1: clear and you step into it powerfully because that's who 532 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:18,960 Speaker 1: you are. Yeah, I appreciate you so much. Appreciate Miss Maddie. 533 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:23,040 Speaker 1: Can I tell you three things that I appreciate about you? Yes. 534 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:27,280 Speaker 1: One of the things that I learned a long long 535 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:31,880 Speaker 1: time ago that the best students get the hardest tests. 536 00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:37,120 Speaker 1: That when life, the universe, God have a big job 537 00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:40,600 Speaker 1: for you to do, you get some of the hardest tests. 538 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:46,120 Speaker 1: And when I hear some of the tests, particularly the 539 00:38:46,239 --> 00:38:51,840 Speaker 1: suicidal ideations that you have overcome, it says to me 540 00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:58,000 Speaker 1: that you have a gift and a mission. And the 541 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,960 Speaker 1: thing about a test, Miss Mattie, is you don't have 542 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:05,920 Speaker 1: to get a You just have to pass your test 543 00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:10,040 Speaker 1: of trying to give up on life, because that says 544 00:39:10,080 --> 00:39:14,480 Speaker 1: to me that your gift is stronger than your grief. 545 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:20,400 Speaker 1: My prayer for you is that that gift of empathetic 546 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:25,640 Speaker 1: feeling and clear sations that it grows into something that 547 00:39:25,719 --> 00:39:30,000 Speaker 1: you can use to help others in the world. And 548 00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:35,120 Speaker 1: I appreciate that you are supporting and holding onto and 549 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:39,200 Speaker 1: listening to your sister. And you are the young and 550 00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:46,080 Speaker 1: I've really really appreciate that about you. So a couple 551 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:48,960 Speaker 1: of things I want to leave your with because I 552 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:53,000 Speaker 1: know that you're going to do your assignments. Your story 553 00:39:54,480 --> 00:40:00,160 Speaker 1: is real, it's what happened, it's fact, but it's just 554 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:04,760 Speaker 1: that it's a story. And that story can be edited, 555 00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:09,200 Speaker 1: that story can be rewritten, that story can be canned. 556 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:13,880 Speaker 1: You get to be the author, the creator of a 557 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:18,400 Speaker 1: new story. The other thing I want you to understand, 558 00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:23,319 Speaker 1: particularly as young women in the new millennium, is that 559 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:27,439 Speaker 1: your family tree can put a noose around your neck, 560 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:32,560 Speaker 1: but the only way that it'll hang you is if 561 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:36,759 Speaker 1: you don't take the news off, and I think today 562 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:41,879 Speaker 1: you took the news off the other thing. I want 563 00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:46,759 Speaker 1: you to know this is very important for you, Miss Maddie. 564 00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:50,759 Speaker 1: Your mother was a broken little girl and she broke you. 565 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:54,520 Speaker 1: Not because she wanted to, not because she expected to. 566 00:40:55,280 --> 00:41:00,520 Speaker 1: She broke you because she didn't know any better. Yeah, 567 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:05,880 Speaker 1: and it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility 568 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:11,080 Speaker 1: and only you can fix your problem. Ms t honest 569 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:14,399 Speaker 1: as she appreciates her mind. So I want you to 570 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:19,120 Speaker 1: train yourself to focus on now, not then. What can 571 00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:23,440 Speaker 1: I do now? If they didn't give you patience, be patient, 572 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,359 Speaker 1: If they didn't give you kindness, be kind if they 573 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,520 Speaker 1: didn't listen to you, listen to yourself, listen to each other. 574 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:36,400 Speaker 1: Give yourself now what they didn't give you, then, Yes, maybe, 575 00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:44,960 Speaker 1: thank you so much. We really do appreciate you. Thank 576 00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:48,480 Speaker 1: you so much. I want you to check in. I 577 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,560 Speaker 1: want you to start your fast start your lessons and 578 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:57,439 Speaker 1: work on that story. Okay, all right, thank you so much. 579 00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:03,160 Speaker 1: Alright YouTube Villa of it, bye bye bye bye bye. 580 00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:08,960 Speaker 1: So for all of you living out there that heard 581 00:42:09,239 --> 00:42:14,080 Speaker 1: Miss Tiana and Miss Maddie, and you're dealing with your 582 00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:20,000 Speaker 1: own family toxicity and your own cracks in your foundation 583 00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:24,600 Speaker 1: and toxic roots in your life. I'm going to repeat 584 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:32,360 Speaker 1: this again, uh historical family, generational. As the lady said, 585 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:36,399 Speaker 1: curse that family tree can put a noose around your neck. 586 00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:39,040 Speaker 1: But the only way it don't hang you is if 587 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,440 Speaker 1: you stay in the noose. For all of you who 588 00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:44,920 Speaker 1: are down on your mom's because of what they did 589 00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:48,480 Speaker 1: or what she did or what she didn't do judging her, 590 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:56,239 Speaker 1: remember this, broken little girls, break girls because they don't 591 00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:59,319 Speaker 1: know how to do it differently. But it is your 592 00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:04,799 Speaker 1: problem and your responsibility to get yourself healed. The way 593 00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:08,920 Speaker 1: to do that focus on now and what can happen, 594 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:13,480 Speaker 1: because you've got to unlearn some stuff in order to 595 00:43:13,719 --> 00:43:18,400 Speaker 1: learn some stuff. And if you're focusing on then, you 596 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:22,560 Speaker 1: won't make yourself available to the learning that's present now. 597 00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:29,080 Speaker 1: If they didn't give you the good quality cookies, go 598 00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:34,240 Speaker 1: by itself and eat all of them at once. Stop 599 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:38,160 Speaker 1: whining about what you didn't get then, and give it 600 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:44,920 Speaker 1: to yourself now. Family dysfunction, it's everywhere, and it's a test. 601 00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:51,040 Speaker 1: And remember when you're tested, you don't have to get 602 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:57,000 Speaker 1: a you just have to pass. If you're here today, beloved, 603 00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:02,200 Speaker 1: you passed, So it may be time to just celebrate. 604 00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:07,440 Speaker 1: See you next time, and in the meantime, stay in peace, 605 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:13,160 Speaker 1: not pieces. I hope this has been helpful to someone, 606 00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:16,560 Speaker 1: and if you have a question about this or any 607 00:44:16,560 --> 00:44:20,800 Speaker 1: other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven 608 00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:24,520 Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now 609 00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:27,359 Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for all 610 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:35,120 Speaker 1: of the calling times. The R Spot is a production 611 00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:39,799 Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For 612 00:44:39,920 --> 00:44:44,440 Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, 613 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:48,560 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.