WEBVTT - 7 Ways to Train Your Brain to Go From Insecurity to Confidence 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.120 Hey everyone, It's Jayschetty and I'm thrilled to announce my 0:00:03.279 --> 0:00:07.200 podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see 0:00:07.240 --> 0:00:11.040 my On Purpose podcast live and in person. Join me 0:00:11.240 --> 0:00:15.200 in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:19.360 surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:23.680 or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:28.080 designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections. 0:00:28.520 --> 0:00:30.880 I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on 0:00:31.000 --> 0:00:34.840 cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today. 0:00:35.040 --> 0:00:39.200 Instead of panicking, you pause, take a breath and tell yourself, 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:45.400 this is not a threat, This is an opportunity. The 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:49.320 number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Chetty, 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:57.560 Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so 0:00:57.800 --> 0:01:00.800 glad that we're here together. Thanks, Thank you so much 0:01:00.840 --> 0:01:04.080 for tuning in and trusting me with the next thirty 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:09.600 minutes to guide you from insecurity to confidence. I'm sure 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:11.640 there's so many of you this year that have so 0:01:11.720 --> 0:01:17.360 many dreams, so many goals, so many aspirations. There are 0:01:17.400 --> 0:01:25.440 probably so many things that you want to achieve, learn, conquer, grow, master, 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:30.280 or even just experience, and the thing that's standing in 0:01:30.319 --> 0:01:37.959 your way is your doubt, your insecurity, your scarcity. You 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:40.840 might have the doubt I'm not good enough for that, 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:44.760 I'm not ready for that yet. Or you might have 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:48.440 the insecurity I'm sure they'll give it to someone else. 0:01:49.040 --> 0:01:51.120 I'm sure someone else will beat me to that job, 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:55.080 that promotion, whatever it may be. Or you may just 0:01:55.280 --> 0:02:00.840 have scarcity there's not enough for me and I'm not enough. 0:02:01.960 --> 0:02:05.240 These feelings can make it harder for us to relate 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:09.160 to people in our personal life, to connect with people 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:14.840 at work, to actually thrive. And often we see people 0:02:15.560 --> 0:02:18.600 who may not be as smart, who may not be 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:23.240 as talented, but they're just confident. Have you seen that before, 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:26.000 where you look at someone you think, wait a minute, 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:28.520 I know for a fact that I might actually know 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:32.160 a little more than you. I actually know that I 0:02:32.280 --> 0:02:36.480 work really, really hard. But for some reason, you have 0:02:36.560 --> 0:02:39.800 confidence and I don't. And you might see that all 0:02:39.840 --> 0:02:41.919 around you where you look around and you think, wait 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:45.000 a minute, how is it that you're moving ahead? How 0:02:45.080 --> 0:02:48.320 is it that you made that happen? And I find 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:52.600 it's because some people are coming from a place of insecurity, 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:57.760 which you can feel energetically from them. Right, have you 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:02.760 ever felt insecure internally and everyone in the room could 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:06.720 sense that, or even if they couldn't, you felt they could, 0:03:07.560 --> 0:03:11.200 and that made you less confident, less courageous, less brave, 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:16.280 less bold in that room. And at the same time, 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:21.600 we have people in our life where you can sense 0:03:22.760 --> 0:03:26.760 that our ideas are not taken as seriously because we 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:30.480 come across as insecure, we come across as doubtful. Whenever 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:33.200 you share one of your ideas, you will say something like, look, 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:36.200 this may not be the best idea. Right as soon 0:03:36.240 --> 0:03:39.080 as you've said that, what everyone thinking, Oh well, it 0:03:39.120 --> 0:03:42.440 may not be the best idea. Or maybe you say 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:45.760 something like, look, I know this might be a stupid question. 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:49.840 Guess what, Now everyone thinks you're gonna ask a stupid question, 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:53.120 And maybe people even replied to you by saying, look, 0:03:53.120 --> 0:03:55.000 there's no such thing as a stupid question, but now 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:58.320 everyone's thinking it. You were gonna ask a really great question. 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:02.480 Chances are ever in that room was thinking about the 0:04:02.560 --> 0:04:06.400 question you were going to ask. But because of your precursor, 0:04:07.160 --> 0:04:10.120 you've now set people up to doubt you, to feel 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:15.720 differently about you. Maybe you say something like, look, I've 0:04:15.720 --> 0:04:18.280 been thinking about this. I'm not sure, but i'm thinking 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:20.960 about it now. I'm not saying that you want to 0:04:21.000 --> 0:04:23.200 lie and say you're sure about something and it's the 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:27.799 best idea ever. But what if you let the thoughts, 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:30.880 the analysis, the assessment of what you're about to share 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:37.000 happen live and in real time before you give a disclaimer. 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:39.880 As soon as you've given the disclaimer, you've put the doubt. 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:43.440 You've put the insecurity into other people's minds, which came 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.560 from you because you had an insecurity about what you 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:48.640 were going to say. And chances are you're about to 0:04:48.680 --> 0:04:51.360 have a great idea. Chances are you're about to say 0:04:51.360 --> 0:04:55.479 something that's actually really helpful, useful, and something everyone needed 0:04:55.520 --> 0:04:58.920 to hear. And I've seen this time and time again 0:04:59.520 --> 0:05:03.440 that when we add disclaimers, when we add precursors, we're 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:09.160 the ones who end up losing out because we're the 0:05:09.160 --> 0:05:13.359 ones planting the seed of doubt in our own idea. 0:05:14.000 --> 0:05:18.200 So today I want to give you seven steps that 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:22.880 are going to help you grow from insecurity to confidence. 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:25.839 This isn't about faking it. It's not about lying, it's 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:30.200 not about manipulating. It's about having enough trust in yourself 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:35.160 that the experience that you've garnered, the experience you've lived 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:38.159 in life, the amount of meetings you've sat in, the 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:41.720 amount of conversations you've had. I want you to learn 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:46.160 to trust that you have a level of intelligence which 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:48.680 grants you a seat at the table. You do not 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:51.039 need to feel that you're crawling under the table. You 0:05:51.080 --> 0:05:52.960 do not need to feel that you've been given a 0:05:53.000 --> 0:05:55.839 seat at the table. You have a seat at the 0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:59.480 table because you've earned it. You're in that room because 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:02.640 you've earned it. You're in that meeting because you've earned it. 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:06.880 You belonged in that room. There is a seat with 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:10.479 your name on it for a reason. But when you're 0:06:10.560 --> 0:06:14.520 you're the person yourself who's kind of sitting away from 0:06:14.520 --> 0:06:17.440 the table, putting the seat aside and acting as if 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:22.640 you don't belong it creates distance. It creates a fracture 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:26.839 in that communication. So what if I told you the 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:32.000 reason you're insecure isn't because you lack confidence, but because 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:38.120 your brain is stuck in survival mode. Insecurity isn't about 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:43.400 being weak. It's your body's response to risk. But here's 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:47.760 the secret. You can retrain your brain to stop feeling 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:51.720 threatened all the time. I'm sure you're ready to learn how. 0:06:51.800 --> 0:06:56.159 Let's dive in with step one. Train your brain to 0:06:56.320 --> 0:07:00.520 stop seeing life as a threat. We have to turn 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:04.760 off our threat detection system. See in the past, it 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:09.080 made sense. Our brains are hardwired to protect us from danger. 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:13.560 This is part of an ancient survival mechanism. When we 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:17.520 feel insecure, it's often because our brain is perceiving a 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:22.720 situation as a potential threat. So we think that there's 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:27.120 a lion in the bushes, there's a snake in the grass, 0:07:27.600 --> 0:07:30.640 there's a hunter coming from a nearby village, whatever it 0:07:30.680 --> 0:07:34.800 may be. And here's the plot twist. Your brain is 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:40.000 often overreacting. Your brain is overreacting. There isn't a lion 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:42.360 in the bush, there isn't a snake in the grass. 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:45.600 So what we need to do is we need to 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:51.080 learn to recognize how to rate threats, and we have 0:07:51.160 --> 0:07:54.480 to learn how to rate threats when we're not in 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:57.280 the threat. What I mean by that is if I 0:07:57.320 --> 0:07:59.720 ask you to rate a threat on a scale of 0:07:59.800 --> 0:08:03.600 zero to ten, when you're about to experience it, it 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:06.200 will always feel like a ten right in the moment 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:09.200 that you stub your toe or trap your finger into 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:12.280 a door hinge. Right, even thought of that, you're like, 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:15.040 that's a ten. But let's be honest, it's not a 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:18.960 ten in the pains of life, right, there's things that 0:08:19.040 --> 0:08:22.640 are far more painful than both of those, But in 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:24.160 the moment, you'd give it a ten. So we have 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:27.800 to rate things outside of the moment. So let's look 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:32.320 at rating the idea of sharing something at work that 0:08:32.440 --> 0:08:35.800 you might think will be seen or perceived as a 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:39.920 bad idea. Let's rate it when we're not in that position. 0:08:40.679 --> 0:08:43.199 What's the worst that could happen if you shared something 0:08:43.679 --> 0:08:48.480 and people didn't get it or didn't understand it. Maybe 0:08:49.240 --> 0:08:51.960 a three or four or five, or maybe you're listening 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:53.920 to me right now and going, Jay, that's a nine 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:58.480 for me, Right, I'm so scared by that. So now 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:03.080 let's reframe. Instead of letting your brain trigger fear in 0:09:03.200 --> 0:09:07.280 situations that don't actually put you at risk, let's use 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:14.120 mindfulness to recognize and reframe these reactions. By simply observing 0:09:14.160 --> 0:09:19.320 the thought I feel anxious because of this meeting or 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:25.200 this conversation, you can activate your prefrontal cortex, the area 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:30.920 of the brain that controls rational thinking and override the amigdala, 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:35.120 which controls the fight or flight response. So let me 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:37.880 give you an example. You're preparing for a meeting. Your 0:09:37.880 --> 0:09:41.680 brain immediately starts firing off signals of danger, even though 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:45.640 the meeting is not life threatening, and instead of panicking, 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:50.440 you pause, take a breath, and tell yourself, this is 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:56.559 not a threat. This is an opportunity. You've trained your 0:09:56.600 --> 0:10:00.640 brain to stop seeing every challenge as a rich and 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:05.559 now you can actually use that energy that's often wasted 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:11.280 in threat management into growth management. You can now actually 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:17.000 switch from worrying about that moment to actually saying to yourself, well, 0:10:17.040 --> 0:10:20.319 now we can get ready. Now we can actually get 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:23.880 it right. Now I can actually communicate in a way 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:27.040 that will resonate with people where I'm not giving disclaimers 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:31.000 and precursors, and that will actually connect. Try it out 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:33.160 for me and let me know how it goes. Tell 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:35.520 me in your stories, tell me in the comment section 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:38.520 on one of our Instagram posts, post about it, Let 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:41.720 me know how that worked for you. Stop and turn 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:45.400 off that threat detection system, set a rating, and be 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:50.160 clear about it. 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The second thing I want you 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:20.679 to learn to do is harness your unconscious competence. There 0:12:20.720 --> 0:12:24.920 are four stages of learning. Now, have you ever learned 0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:28.559 something new and felt you were horrible at it, only 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:31.400 to get to a point where it becomes second nature. 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:37.440 That is the principle of unconscious competence. You're more capable 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:41.040 than you think, but it's hidden in plain sight. The 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:46.520 problem is we often don't acknowledge our progress. So the 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:50.880 first layer that we start at is called unconscious incompetence. 0:12:51.559 --> 0:12:55.520 You're unaware of the things you're not even very good at. Right. 0:12:55.520 --> 0:12:58.480 We actually don't know our blind spots. They're called blind 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:00.680 spots for a reason. There are lots of things that 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:03.120 we don't know that we're good at. But let's say 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:04.520 we say to ourselves, you know what, this is the 0:13:04.600 --> 0:13:06.480 year I'm going to learn how to build good habits. 0:13:06.920 --> 0:13:10.280 This is the year I'm going to develop a reading habit. 0:13:10.360 --> 0:13:11.880 This is the year that I'm going to develop a 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:13.719 meditation habit. This is the year that I'm going to 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:15.880 quit sugar. This is the year that I'm going to 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:20.880 work out every day. Now you rise to something known 0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:26.000 as conscious incompetence, you don't just go to developing that habit. 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:30.720 You actually have to live through the experience of being 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:35.480 consciously incompetent. What does that mean. It means you're aware 0:13:35.679 --> 0:13:40.080 of your incompetence. You're aware of the fact that you 0:13:40.160 --> 0:13:42.680 can't do something that you're not good at it. You're 0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:44.920 aware of it. Now. You tried to build a habit 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:47.640 at the start of this year, and now you've realized 0:13:47.679 --> 0:13:50.680 you couldn't. You tried to work out every day this year, 0:13:50.679 --> 0:13:54.000 and you realized it wasn't that easy. You tried to 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:58.040 meditate every day this year, and you struggled. And this 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:02.160 is a natural realization. There is no one who has 0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:06.600 mastered a skill who hasn't had to experience this. There 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:12.720 was a day you shifted from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. 0:14:13.160 --> 0:14:16.160 You went from being unaware to being aware. And this 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:19.600 is actually a really painful thing. I want to acknowledge this. 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.680 This is a really painful thing because we want to 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:25.720 go from not knowing something to knowing it. We don't 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:28.360 want to go from not knowing something to knowing that 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:30.440 we don't know it and that we're not good at 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:33.800 it either. It's actually a really hard stage, and the 0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:37.480 majority of people will duck out at this point because 0:14:37.520 --> 0:14:39.520 they don't want to live with the rejection. They don't 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:41.720 want to live with the failure. They don't want to 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:44.960 live with the pain of the realization that we don't know. 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:47.080 Let's say you said, Hey, I'm going to take on 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:50.120 this extra task at work. I'm going to learn project management, 0:14:50.280 --> 0:14:52.600 I'm going to learn social media, I'm going to learn 0:14:52.600 --> 0:14:54.920 about AI. And then all of a sudden, you start 0:14:54.960 --> 0:14:57.920 reading a book, you start reading an article, you start, 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:00.880 you know, going through some sort of guy and you go, wow, 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:07.800 I know nothing. I know nothing. Now, what happens when 0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:12.040 you stick it through, right, when you push forward, and 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:15.560 this is a really really important thing. When you push through, 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:20.960 what happens is you get to conscious competence. You keep working, 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:24.760 you keep practicing, you keep developing, and now you know 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:29.080 what it takes to perform well. You know how much 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:32.680 focus is required, how much discipline is required, how much 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:36.760 energy is required, and all of a sudden you start 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:42.400 to understand. But you're dependent on a certain environment, a 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:45.200 certain set of skills, a certain set of parameters boundaries 0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:49.280 to be able to perform at that level. Right, And 0:15:49.320 --> 0:15:54.480 then finally you get to something known as unconscious competence. 0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:57.680 This means you've become so good at it that it's 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:01.200 second nature. You don't even think of it, you're not 0:16:01.280 --> 0:16:04.200 even aware of it. So here's what I wanted you 0:16:04.240 --> 0:16:07.480 to do. Practically. I want you to identify something you 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:11.320 do well but you don't actually recognize as a skill. 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:15.880 Maybe you're amazing at organizing problem solving, maybe you're great 0:16:15.880 --> 0:16:19.160 at making people laugh. Use that as your starting point 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:23.920 for confidence. Acknowledge that you already have skills at a 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:28.200 deep level, and that you're more skilled than your insecurity 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:32.400 suggest Because what happens is when you go through this process, 0:16:32.960 --> 0:16:35.800 that's when you honor your skills. Skills that you have 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:39.840 where you haven't gone through this process consciously, that's the 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:45.200 ones that you undervalue. We undervalue skills that we have naturally, 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:49.560 and we overvalue skills that we don't have naturally. If 0:16:49.600 --> 0:16:51.080 you don't have a skill and someone else has it, 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:53.280 you think, oh my God, they're so talented. It's a 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:56.040 gift from God. They must be amazing. I could never 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:59.600 be that. I can never do that. Not true, It's 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:01.560 just that you haven't gone on that journey. People look 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:03.440 at you and feel the same thing. I promise you. 0:17:04.080 --> 0:17:05.720 Even check you with your friends and say, what do 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:08.840 you think I'm great at that? I don't even acknowledge. 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:13.920 Sometimes I'm sure they'll say something to you. Right. I'll 0:17:13.920 --> 0:17:16.440 give you an example. Let's say you've been feeling insecure 0:17:16.880 --> 0:17:21.520 about your career progress. But remember you've probably been successfully 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:26.040 managing multiple projects or influencing others for years without even 0:17:26.080 --> 0:17:29.680 noticing it. I want you to tap into that unconscious 0:17:29.720 --> 0:17:33.520 competence you already have, and then go on that journey 0:17:34.160 --> 0:17:39.879 from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence to conscious competence to 0:17:40.200 --> 0:17:43.560 unconscious competence with the skill that you want to develop 0:17:43.600 --> 0:17:46.439 and learn. I promise you, when you go through that journey, 0:17:46.480 --> 0:17:49.119 it will build so much strength and courage. But start 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:53.840 with something you already have. Step number three. I want 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:59.120 you to face your fear of not being seen. This 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:02.800 is something known as the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:06.480 tells us that we tend to believe others are scrutinizing 0:18:06.560 --> 0:18:10.720 us far more than they actually are. It's a classic 0:18:10.880 --> 0:18:15.640 insecurity trigger. Everyone is watching me fail, right, We've all 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:17.960 felt that, Oh my gosh, I just tripped over. Everyone 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:20.600 saw that, or I asked that silly question in the meeting. 0:18:20.600 --> 0:18:25.200 Everyone saw that, Oh my boss didn't quite get the 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:28.359 project I handed, and everyone saw that, you know, I 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:33.040 was late today. Everyone saw that. The truth, people are 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:38.160 too focused on their own lives to scrutinize yours. While 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:42.639 you're worrying about how you're seen, everyone is worrying about 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:48.080 how they're seen. Every single person in that room is evaluating, critiquing, 0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:52.040 assessing themselves as they talk. And yes, they might think 0:18:52.080 --> 0:18:54.159 about you for ten percent of the time, if that, 0:18:54.920 --> 0:18:58.000 but for ninety percent of the time they are hyper 0:18:58.040 --> 0:19:03.119 focused on themselves. So the trick is to stop hyper 0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:10.159 focusing on yourself. Redirect your attention outward rather than fixating 0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:17.040 on how you're being perceived. Start paying attention to others, Listen, engage, 0:19:17.840 --> 0:19:21.880 ask questions. The more you make other people the focus 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:25.080 of your attention, the less you feel trapped in the 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:30.919 spotlight of self doubt. People think being confident means being interesting. 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:36.400 Sometimes the best way to feel confident is to be interested. 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:42.119 Be interested instead of trying to be interesting, and you 0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:47.360 will be more confident. Conversation will flow. Natural questions will 0:19:47.359 --> 0:19:49.679 come up when you're trying to tell a funny story. Right, 0:19:49.960 --> 0:19:51.600 let's talk about this. You meet someone new, you're out 0:19:51.640 --> 0:19:54.720 with friends and there's some new people at the table 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:56.680 you haven't met. You try to tell a funny story 0:19:56.720 --> 0:19:59.719 to come across relatable. No one really laughs, and now 0:19:59.720 --> 0:20:01.359 you're say in the going, oh my gosh, they think 0:20:01.400 --> 0:20:04.359 I'm a loser. I'm not funny. I didn't say anything relatable. 0:20:04.720 --> 0:20:06.600 What do I say next? Guess what? You've just not 0:20:06.680 --> 0:20:11.120 listened to them. You've literally missed words that have come 0:20:11.119 --> 0:20:14.320 out of their mouth, what they've said, how they feel. 0:20:14.640 --> 0:20:16.400 And now it's back to your turn, and guess what. 0:20:16.720 --> 0:20:19.280 You try and tell another story, You try and say 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:20.879 something else, so maybe this time you try and make 0:20:20.920 --> 0:20:25.240 it meaningful and again maybe get a reaction. Maybe you don't. 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:27.919 And now you go back into self analysis mode. Okay, 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:29.600 they didn't laugh at me, they didn't think I was 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:32.320 that meaningful. Okay, maybe I should just or should I do? Now? 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:34.919 Guess what you've missed what they said. Again, if you 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:39.919 just listened, ask the question, maybe replied with a comment, 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:44.800 build up some confidence, build up some trust, build up 0:20:44.840 --> 0:20:49.080 some reciprocal report, and then you told that story. Now 0:20:49.160 --> 0:20:51.760 you have so much more to go on. I was 0:20:51.760 --> 0:20:54.800 at dinner the other night, and I noticed how one 0:20:54.840 --> 0:20:57.919 person at the table just kept making it about themselves, 0:20:58.400 --> 0:21:00.399 and everyone else would go quiet because the person was 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:03.960 quite dominant, and I could see that this conversation was 0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:07.160 just turning into them, making it a therapy session for themselves, 0:21:08.119 --> 0:21:12.640 and so acknowledging their feelings and empathetically responding to them. 0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:14.760 I would then open the question up and try and 0:21:14.760 --> 0:21:17.000 ask the person to my left to question the person 0:21:17.040 --> 0:21:20.280 opposite me, the person to my right. And what I 0:21:20.400 --> 0:21:23.000 found is that I also didn't want to be that person. 0:21:23.000 --> 0:21:25.919 I didn't want to be the person who is directing 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:28.680 or driving the conversation to be around me. I wanted 0:21:28.720 --> 0:21:30.879 to learn about everyone. I wanted everyone to be a 0:21:30.920 --> 0:21:34.080 part of the conversation, and I felt so confident doing that. 0:21:34.640 --> 0:21:36.480 But if I would have just tried to be confident 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:41.520 by making myself the central focus, I'd actually be more scared. 0:21:42.160 --> 0:21:46.399 I'd be more worried. Take yourself out of the spotlight. 0:21:47.200 --> 0:21:51.240 Put the spotlight onto others, and you won't be as scared. 0:21:52.720 --> 0:21:58.320 Step number four understand the power of sunk cost fallacy. 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:03.359 I remember studying economics, and I remember this behavioral economics 0:22:03.440 --> 0:22:07.760 term called a sunk cost fallacy. It's when we continue 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:12.520 doing something because we've already invested time, money, or effort, 0:22:13.080 --> 0:22:17.160 even when it's clearly not serving us. Insecurity often thrives 0:22:17.160 --> 0:22:19.679 when you feel like you've failed in some way and 0:22:19.720 --> 0:22:22.280 you can't back out now. It traps you in the 0:22:22.320 --> 0:22:25.040 belief that you're stuck. I'll give you a few examples. 0:22:25.320 --> 0:22:27.640 Let's say you studied something at college, and even though 0:22:27.680 --> 0:22:29.679 you hate it, even though you don't want to do 0:22:29.720 --> 0:22:32.400 your career in it, you don't like your job, you 0:22:32.480 --> 0:22:35.920 still keep doing it because you have sunk cost fallacy. 0:22:36.520 --> 0:22:39.240 Maybe you invested in something a few years ago. It's 0:22:39.280 --> 0:22:41.639 not going that well, you're never going to see a return, 0:22:42.000 --> 0:22:45.200 but you keep investing in it because of sunk cost fallacy. 0:22:45.640 --> 0:22:48.520 That's how it works. Now. What you have to do 0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:51.840 in this scenario is recognized when you're holding onto a 0:22:51.880 --> 0:22:56.960 situation or mindset that no longer serves you just because 0:22:57.000 --> 0:23:02.320 of past investment. Give yourself permission to walk away from 0:23:02.400 --> 0:23:06.480 anything that's training your energy, whether it's a toxic relationship, 0:23:06.840 --> 0:23:09.880 a career that no longer excites you, or a self 0:23:10.000 --> 0:23:13.919 image that's how dated. I find that last one to 0:23:13.960 --> 0:23:17.560 be the most interesting. Going away from a self image, 0:23:18.080 --> 0:23:23.480 that's how dated. It's okay. Our insecurity stems from the 0:23:23.520 --> 0:23:27.119 fact we keep investing in things that we know don't work, 0:23:27.640 --> 0:23:30.440 and in turn, that makes us less confident. In turn, 0:23:30.520 --> 0:23:33.960 it makes us value ourselves less because whatever we're doing 0:23:34.040 --> 0:23:37.160 is not growing in value. You've been in your job 0:23:37.200 --> 0:23:40.520 for years, and while it once felt like the perfect fit, 0:23:41.080 --> 0:23:44.280 it's no longer fulfilling. But you stay because of all 0:23:44.280 --> 0:23:48.720 the years you've invested, and that is what ruins your confidence. 0:23:49.240 --> 0:23:52.400 It makes you more insecure, It makes you more self conscious. 0:23:52.560 --> 0:23:55.360 It makes you more self critical and judgmental because things 0:23:55.400 --> 0:23:58.280 are not going well and you keep putting pressure on yourself. 0:23:58.760 --> 0:24:04.280 So how do you change? You recognize it's okay to 0:24:04.400 --> 0:24:11.040 invest differently. It's okay to reallocate that time, that energy, 0:24:11.400 --> 0:24:15.919 that money, whatever it was, because guess what, when you 0:24:16.000 --> 0:24:21.439 do that, you can reap another reward. Step five, we 0:24:21.520 --> 0:24:26.600 have to reclaim our control with our locus of control. 0:24:26.680 --> 0:24:29.679 Let me explain what that means. Your locus of control 0:24:29.800 --> 0:24:32.960 is a concept in psychology that refers to whether you 0:24:33.080 --> 0:24:37.600 believe outcomes in your life are under your control or 0:24:37.680 --> 0:24:43.800 dictated by external forces. Insecurity comes from feeling like you 0:24:43.880 --> 0:24:48.719 have no control or that everything depends on luck or others. 0:24:49.160 --> 0:24:54.560 We say things like yeah, if the universe wants Yeah, 0:24:54.600 --> 0:24:58.760 if my boss realizes it, yeah, if my partner gets 0:24:58.760 --> 0:25:05.800 there one day. We're outsourcing, postponing, and post dating our 0:25:05.840 --> 0:25:10.600 own life. We're hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for something to 0:25:10.680 --> 0:25:15.760 change without focusing on our own agency and the autonomy 0:25:15.800 --> 0:25:21.440 that we have. Shift your mindset on what you can control, 0:25:22.400 --> 0:25:25.800 What action can you switch, What conversation can you have? 0:25:26.359 --> 0:25:30.399 What attitude can you develop? Stop waiting for others to 0:25:30.520 --> 0:25:35.280 validate your worth or success. When you fully embrace that 0:25:35.320 --> 0:25:40.440 you're in control. Insecurity has nowhere to take root. Insecurity 0:25:40.480 --> 0:25:44.480 takes root when we keep repeating things like yeah, it's 0:25:44.520 --> 0:25:47.720 up to them if they feel like it, Hopefully they'll 0:25:47.800 --> 0:25:53.000 change one day. We're taking no responsibility and accountability in 0:25:53.040 --> 0:25:55.920