1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,120 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jayschetty and I'm thrilled to announce my 2 00:00:03,279 --> 00:00:07,200 Speaker 1: podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see 3 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,040 Speaker 1: my On Purpose podcast live and in person. Join me 4 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with 5 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 1: surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, 6 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 1: or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences 7 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 1: designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections. 8 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on 9 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:34,840 Speaker 1: cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today. 10 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:39,200 Speaker 1: Instead of panicking, you pause, take a breath and tell yourself, 11 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 1: this is not a threat, This is an opportunity. The 12 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:49,320 Speaker 1: number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Chetty, 13 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:57,560 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I am so 14 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,800 Speaker 1: glad that we're here together. Thanks, Thank you so much 15 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:04,080 Speaker 1: for tuning in and trusting me with the next thirty 16 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: minutes to guide you from insecurity to confidence. I'm sure 17 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: there's so many of you this year that have so 18 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: many dreams, so many goals, so many aspirations. There are 19 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:25,440 Speaker 1: probably so many things that you want to achieve, learn, conquer, grow, master, 20 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:30,280 Speaker 1: or even just experience, and the thing that's standing in 21 00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:37,959 Speaker 1: your way is your doubt, your insecurity, your scarcity. You 22 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 1: might have the doubt I'm not good enough for that, 23 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 1: I'm not ready for that yet. Or you might have 24 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: the insecurity I'm sure they'll give it to someone else. 25 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 1: I'm sure someone else will beat me to that job, 26 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 1: that promotion, whatever it may be. Or you may just 27 00:01:55,280 --> 00:02:00,840 Speaker 1: have scarcity there's not enough for me and I'm not enough. 28 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,240 Speaker 1: These feelings can make it harder for us to relate 29 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 1: to people in our personal life, to connect with people 30 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 1: at work, to actually thrive. And often we see people 31 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,600 Speaker 1: who may not be as smart, who may not be 32 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:23,240 Speaker 1: as talented, but they're just confident. Have you seen that before, 33 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,000 Speaker 1: where you look at someone you think, wait a minute, 34 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,520 Speaker 1: I know for a fact that I might actually know 35 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 1: a little more than you. I actually know that I 36 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 1: work really, really hard. But for some reason, you have 37 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 1: confidence and I don't. And you might see that all 38 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,919 Speaker 1: around you where you look around and you think, wait 39 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 1: a minute, how is it that you're moving ahead? How 40 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: is it that you made that happen? And I find 41 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: it's because some people are coming from a place of insecurity, 42 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:57,760 Speaker 1: which you can feel energetically from them. Right, have you 43 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 1: ever felt insecure internally and everyone in the room could 44 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 1: sense that, or even if they couldn't, you felt they could, 45 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: and that made you less confident, less courageous, less brave, 46 00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 1: less bold in that room. And at the same time, 47 00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 1: we have people in our life where you can sense 48 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 1: that our ideas are not taken as seriously because we 49 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: come across as insecure, we come across as doubtful. Whenever 50 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,200 Speaker 1: you share one of your ideas, you will say something like, look, 51 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 1: this may not be the best idea. Right as soon 52 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,080 Speaker 1: as you've said that, what everyone thinking, Oh well, it 53 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 1: may not be the best idea. Or maybe you say 54 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: something like, look, I know this might be a stupid question. 55 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,840 Speaker 1: Guess what, Now everyone thinks you're gonna ask a stupid question, 56 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: And maybe people even replied to you by saying, look, 57 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 1: there's no such thing as a stupid question, but now 58 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,320 Speaker 1: everyone's thinking it. You were gonna ask a really great question. 59 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: Chances are ever in that room was thinking about the 60 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:06,400 Speaker 1: question you were going to ask. But because of your precursor, 61 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: you've now set people up to doubt you, to feel 62 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:15,720 Speaker 1: differently about you. Maybe you say something like, look, I've 63 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,280 Speaker 1: been thinking about this. I'm not sure, but i'm thinking 64 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: about it now. I'm not saying that you want to 65 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: lie and say you're sure about something and it's the 66 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:27,799 Speaker 1: best idea ever. But what if you let the thoughts, 67 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 1: the analysis, the assessment of what you're about to share 68 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: happen live and in real time before you give a disclaimer. 69 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 1: As soon as you've given the disclaimer, you've put the doubt. 70 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,440 Speaker 1: You've put the insecurity into other people's minds, which came 71 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: from you because you had an insecurity about what you 72 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,640 Speaker 1: were going to say. And chances are you're about to 73 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 1: have a great idea. Chances are you're about to say 74 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:55,479 Speaker 1: something that's actually really helpful, useful, and something everyone needed 75 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: to hear. And I've seen this time and time again 76 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,440 Speaker 1: that when we add disclaimers, when we add precursors, we're 77 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:09,160 Speaker 1: the ones who end up losing out because we're the 78 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:13,359 Speaker 1: ones planting the seed of doubt in our own idea. 79 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: So today I want to give you seven steps that 80 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:22,880 Speaker 1: are going to help you grow from insecurity to confidence. 81 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:25,839 Speaker 1: This isn't about faking it. It's not about lying, it's 82 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 1: not about manipulating. It's about having enough trust in yourself 83 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:35,160 Speaker 1: that the experience that you've garnered, the experience you've lived 84 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,159 Speaker 1: in life, the amount of meetings you've sat in, the 85 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,720 Speaker 1: amount of conversations you've had. I want you to learn 86 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,160 Speaker 1: to trust that you have a level of intelligence which 87 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 1: grants you a seat at the table. You do not 88 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,039 Speaker 1: need to feel that you're crawling under the table. You 89 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 1: do not need to feel that you've been given a 90 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 1: seat at the table. You have a seat at the 91 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,480 Speaker 1: table because you've earned it. You're in that room because 92 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: you've earned it. You're in that meeting because you've earned it. 93 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 1: You belonged in that room. There is a seat with 94 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,479 Speaker 1: your name on it for a reason. But when you're 95 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: you're the person yourself who's kind of sitting away from 96 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 1: the table, putting the seat aside and acting as if 97 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:22,640 Speaker 1: you don't belong it creates distance. It creates a fracture 98 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:26,839 Speaker 1: in that communication. So what if I told you the 99 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: reason you're insecure isn't because you lack confidence, but because 100 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 1: your brain is stuck in survival mode. Insecurity isn't about 101 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: being weak. It's your body's response to risk. But here's 102 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,760 Speaker 1: the secret. You can retrain your brain to stop feeling 103 00:06:47,839 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 1: threatened all the time. I'm sure you're ready to learn how. 104 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:56,159 Speaker 1: Let's dive in with step one. Train your brain to 105 00:06:56,320 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: stop seeing life as a threat. We have to turn 106 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:04,760 Speaker 1: off our threat detection system. See in the past, it 107 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:09,080 Speaker 1: made sense. Our brains are hardwired to protect us from danger. 108 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: This is part of an ancient survival mechanism. When we 109 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:17,520 Speaker 1: feel insecure, it's often because our brain is perceiving a 110 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:22,720 Speaker 1: situation as a potential threat. So we think that there's 111 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: a lion in the bushes, there's a snake in the grass, 112 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: there's a hunter coming from a nearby village, whatever it 113 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,800 Speaker 1: may be. And here's the plot twist. Your brain is 114 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: often overreacting. Your brain is overreacting. There isn't a lion 115 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 1: in the bush, there isn't a snake in the grass. 116 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: So what we need to do is we need to 117 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:51,080 Speaker 1: learn to recognize how to rate threats, and we have 118 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 1: to learn how to rate threats when we're not in 119 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:57,280 Speaker 1: the threat. What I mean by that is if I 120 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 1: ask you to rate a threat on a scale of 121 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: zero to ten, when you're about to experience it, it 122 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:06,200 Speaker 1: will always feel like a ten right in the moment 123 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: that you stub your toe or trap your finger into 124 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,280 Speaker 1: a door hinge. Right, even thought of that, you're like, 125 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: that's a ten. But let's be honest, it's not a 126 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 1: ten in the pains of life, right, there's things that 127 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: are far more painful than both of those, But in 128 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,160 Speaker 1: the moment, you'd give it a ten. So we have 129 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: to rate things outside of the moment. So let's look 130 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: at rating the idea of sharing something at work that 131 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: you might think will be seen or perceived as a 132 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:39,920 Speaker 1: bad idea. Let's rate it when we're not in that position. 133 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,199 Speaker 1: What's the worst that could happen if you shared something 134 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: and people didn't get it or didn't understand it. Maybe 135 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,960 Speaker 1: a three or four or five, or maybe you're listening 136 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,920 Speaker 1: to me right now and going, Jay, that's a nine 137 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 1: for me, Right, I'm so scared by that. So now 138 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:03,080 Speaker 1: let's reframe. Instead of letting your brain trigger fear in 139 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:07,280 Speaker 1: situations that don't actually put you at risk, let's use 140 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 1: mindfulness to recognize and reframe these reactions. By simply observing 141 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:19,320 Speaker 1: the thought I feel anxious because of this meeting or 142 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:25,200 Speaker 1: this conversation, you can activate your prefrontal cortex, the area 143 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:30,920 Speaker 1: of the brain that controls rational thinking and override the amigdala, 144 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:35,120 Speaker 1: which controls the fight or flight response. So let me 145 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: give you an example. You're preparing for a meeting. Your 146 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,680 Speaker 1: brain immediately starts firing off signals of danger, even though 147 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 1: the meeting is not life threatening, and instead of panicking, 148 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 1: you pause, take a breath, and tell yourself, this is 149 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:56,559 Speaker 1: not a threat. This is an opportunity. You've trained your 150 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,640 Speaker 1: brain to stop seeing every challenge as a rich and 151 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:05,559 Speaker 1: now you can actually use that energy that's often wasted 152 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:11,280 Speaker 1: in threat management into growth management. You can now actually 153 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: switch from worrying about that moment to actually saying to yourself, well, 154 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:20,319 Speaker 1: now we can get ready. Now we can actually get 155 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: it right. Now I can actually communicate in a way 156 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 1: that will resonate with people where I'm not giving disclaimers 157 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: and precursors, and that will actually connect. Try it out 158 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: for me and let me know how it goes. Tell 159 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 1: me in your stories, tell me in the comment section 160 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: on one of our Instagram posts, post about it, Let 161 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:41,720 Speaker 1: me know how that worked for you. Stop and turn 162 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,400 Speaker 1: off that threat detection system, set a rating, and be 163 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: clear about it. 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The second thing I want you 185 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:20,679 Speaker 1: to learn to do is harness your unconscious competence. There 186 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: are four stages of learning. Now, have you ever learned 187 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,559 Speaker 1: something new and felt you were horrible at it, only 188 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,400 Speaker 1: to get to a point where it becomes second nature. 189 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 1: That is the principle of unconscious competence. You're more capable 190 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,040 Speaker 1: than you think, but it's hidden in plain sight. The 191 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: problem is we often don't acknowledge our progress. So the 192 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: first layer that we start at is called unconscious incompetence. 193 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 1: You're unaware of the things you're not even very good at. Right. 194 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,480 Speaker 1: We actually don't know our blind spots. They're called blind 195 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,680 Speaker 1: spots for a reason. There are lots of things that 196 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,120 Speaker 1: we don't know that we're good at. But let's say 197 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 1: we say to ourselves, you know what, this is the 198 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,480 Speaker 1: year I'm going to learn how to build good habits. 199 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,280 Speaker 1: This is the year I'm going to develop a reading habit. 200 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: This is the year that I'm going to develop a 201 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,719 Speaker 1: meditation habit. This is the year that I'm going to 202 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 1: quit sugar. This is the year that I'm going to 203 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:20,880 Speaker 1: work out every day. Now you rise to something known 204 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:26,000 Speaker 1: as conscious incompetence, you don't just go to developing that habit. 205 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,720 Speaker 1: You actually have to live through the experience of being 206 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: consciously incompetent. What does that mean. It means you're aware 207 00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:40,080 Speaker 1: of your incompetence. You're aware of the fact that you 208 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: can't do something that you're not good at it. You're 209 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,920 Speaker 1: aware of it. Now. You tried to build a habit 210 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: at the start of this year, and now you've realized 211 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 1: you couldn't. You tried to work out every day this year, 212 00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 1: and you realized it wasn't that easy. You tried to 213 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 1: meditate every day this year, and you struggled. And this 214 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: is a natural realization. There is no one who has 215 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,600 Speaker 1: mastered a skill who hasn't had to experience this. There 216 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:12,720 Speaker 1: was a day you shifted from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. 217 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,160 Speaker 1: You went from being unaware to being aware. And this 218 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 1: is actually a really painful thing. I want to acknowledge this. 219 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 1: This is a really painful thing because we want to 220 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: go from not knowing something to knowing it. We don't 221 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 1: want to go from not knowing something to knowing that 222 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 1: we don't know it and that we're not good at 223 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,800 Speaker 1: it either. It's actually a really hard stage, and the 224 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,480 Speaker 1: majority of people will duck out at this point because 225 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 1: they don't want to live with the rejection. They don't 226 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: want to live with the failure. They don't want to 227 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: live with the pain of the realization that we don't know. 228 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,080 Speaker 1: Let's say you said, Hey, I'm going to take on 229 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 1: this extra task at work. I'm going to learn project management, 230 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,600 Speaker 1: I'm going to learn social media, I'm going to learn 231 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,920 Speaker 1: about AI. And then all of a sudden, you start 232 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: reading a book, you start reading an article, you start, 233 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,880 Speaker 1: you know, going through some sort of guy and you go, wow, 234 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:07,800 Speaker 1: I know nothing. I know nothing. Now, what happens when 235 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:12,040 Speaker 1: you stick it through, right, when you push forward, and 236 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: this is a really really important thing. When you push through, 237 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 1: what happens is you get to conscious competence. You keep working, 238 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 1: you keep practicing, you keep developing, and now you know 239 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: what it takes to perform well. You know how much 240 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 1: focus is required, how much discipline is required, how much 241 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,760 Speaker 1: energy is required, and all of a sudden you start 242 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 1: to understand. But you're dependent on a certain environment, a 243 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 1: certain set of skills, a certain set of parameters boundaries 244 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 1: to be able to perform at that level. Right, And 245 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: then finally you get to something known as unconscious competence. 246 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 1: This means you've become so good at it that it's 247 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:01,200 Speaker 1: second nature. You don't even think of it, you're not 248 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,200 Speaker 1: even aware of it. So here's what I wanted you 249 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,480 Speaker 1: to do. Practically. I want you to identify something you 250 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:11,320 Speaker 1: do well but you don't actually recognize as a skill. 251 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,880 Speaker 1: Maybe you're amazing at organizing problem solving, maybe you're great 252 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,160 Speaker 1: at making people laugh. Use that as your starting point 253 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: for confidence. Acknowledge that you already have skills at a 254 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:28,200 Speaker 1: deep level, and that you're more skilled than your insecurity 255 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 1: suggest Because what happens is when you go through this process, 256 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,800 Speaker 1: that's when you honor your skills. Skills that you have 257 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 1: where you haven't gone through this process consciously, that's the 258 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 1: ones that you undervalue. We undervalue skills that we have naturally, 259 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 1: and we overvalue skills that we don't have naturally. If 260 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 1: you don't have a skill and someone else has it, 261 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,280 Speaker 1: you think, oh my God, they're so talented. It's a 262 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 1: gift from God. They must be amazing. I could never 263 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 1: be that. I can never do that. Not true, It's 264 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: just that you haven't gone on that journey. People look 265 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,440 Speaker 1: at you and feel the same thing. I promise you. 266 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,720 Speaker 1: Even check you with your friends and say, what do 267 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 1: you think I'm great at that? I don't even acknowledge. 268 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:13,920 Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm sure they'll say something to you. Right. I'll 269 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,440 Speaker 1: give you an example. Let's say you've been feeling insecure 270 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 1: about your career progress. But remember you've probably been successfully 271 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:26,040 Speaker 1: managing multiple projects or influencing others for years without even 272 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,680 Speaker 1: noticing it. I want you to tap into that unconscious 273 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,520 Speaker 1: competence you already have, and then go on that journey 274 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:39,879 Speaker 1: from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence to conscious competence to 275 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: unconscious competence with the skill that you want to develop 276 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,439 Speaker 1: and learn. I promise you, when you go through that journey, 277 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,119 Speaker 1: it will build so much strength and courage. But start 278 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: with something you already have. Step number three. I want 279 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:59,120 Speaker 1: you to face your fear of not being seen. This 280 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,800 Speaker 1: is something known as the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect 281 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,480 Speaker 1: tells us that we tend to believe others are scrutinizing 282 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,720 Speaker 1: us far more than they actually are. It's a classic 283 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:15,640 Speaker 1: insecurity trigger. Everyone is watching me fail, right, We've all 284 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,960 Speaker 1: felt that, Oh my gosh, I just tripped over. Everyone 285 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: saw that, or I asked that silly question in the meeting. 286 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:25,200 Speaker 1: Everyone saw that, Oh my boss didn't quite get the 287 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,359 Speaker 1: project I handed, and everyone saw that, you know, I 288 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:33,040 Speaker 1: was late today. Everyone saw that. The truth, people are 289 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:38,160 Speaker 1: too focused on their own lives to scrutinize yours. While 290 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,639 Speaker 1: you're worrying about how you're seen, everyone is worrying about 291 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:48,080 Speaker 1: how they're seen. Every single person in that room is evaluating, critiquing, 292 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,040 Speaker 1: assessing themselves as they talk. And yes, they might think 293 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,159 Speaker 1: about you for ten percent of the time, if that, 294 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: but for ninety percent of the time they are hyper 295 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:03,119 Speaker 1: focused on themselves. So the trick is to stop hyper 296 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 1: focusing on yourself. Redirect your attention outward rather than fixating 297 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:17,040 Speaker 1: on how you're being perceived. Start paying attention to others, Listen, engage, 298 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,880 Speaker 1: ask questions. The more you make other people the focus 299 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: of your attention, the less you feel trapped in the 300 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:30,919 Speaker 1: spotlight of self doubt. People think being confident means being interesting. 301 00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:36,400 Speaker 1: Sometimes the best way to feel confident is to be interested. 302 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:42,119 Speaker 1: Be interested instead of trying to be interesting, and you 303 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:47,360 Speaker 1: will be more confident. Conversation will flow. Natural questions will 304 00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:49,679 Speaker 1: come up when you're trying to tell a funny story. Right, 305 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,600 Speaker 1: let's talk about this. You meet someone new, you're out 306 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,720 Speaker 1: with friends and there's some new people at the table 307 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,680 Speaker 1: you haven't met. You try to tell a funny story 308 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,719 Speaker 1: to come across relatable. No one really laughs, and now 309 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,359 Speaker 1: you're say in the going, oh my gosh, they think 310 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,359 Speaker 1: I'm a loser. I'm not funny. I didn't say anything relatable. 311 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 1: What do I say next? Guess what? You've just not 312 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:11,120 Speaker 1: listened to them. You've literally missed words that have come 313 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:14,320 Speaker 1: out of their mouth, what they've said, how they feel. 314 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,400 Speaker 1: And now it's back to your turn, and guess what. 315 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 1: You try and tell another story, You try and say 316 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 1: something else, so maybe this time you try and make 317 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,240 Speaker 1: it meaningful and again maybe get a reaction. Maybe you don't. 318 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,919 Speaker 1: And now you go back into self analysis mode. Okay, 319 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:29,600 Speaker 1: they didn't laugh at me, they didn't think I was 320 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 1: that meaningful. Okay, maybe I should just or should I do? Now? 321 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,919 Speaker 1: Guess what you've missed what they said. Again, if you 322 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:39,919 Speaker 1: just listened, ask the question, maybe replied with a comment, 323 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,800 Speaker 1: build up some confidence, build up some trust, build up 324 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:49,080 Speaker 1: some reciprocal report, and then you told that story. Now 325 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,760 Speaker 1: you have so much more to go on. I was 326 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,800 Speaker 1: at dinner the other night, and I noticed how one 327 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,919 Speaker 1: person at the table just kept making it about themselves, 328 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,399 Speaker 1: and everyone else would go quiet because the person was 329 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,960 Speaker 1: quite dominant, and I could see that this conversation was 330 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,160 Speaker 1: just turning into them, making it a therapy session for themselves, 331 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:12,640 Speaker 1: and so acknowledging their feelings and empathetically responding to them. 332 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:14,760 Speaker 1: I would then open the question up and try and 333 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,000 Speaker 1: ask the person to my left to question the person 334 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 1: opposite me, the person to my right. And what I 335 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,000 Speaker 1: found is that I also didn't want to be that person. 336 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,919 Speaker 1: I didn't want to be the person who is directing 337 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,680 Speaker 1: or driving the conversation to be around me. I wanted 338 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,879 Speaker 1: to learn about everyone. I wanted everyone to be a 339 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,080 Speaker 1: part of the conversation, and I felt so confident doing that. 340 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,480 Speaker 1: But if I would have just tried to be confident 341 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:41,520 Speaker 1: by making myself the central focus, I'd actually be more scared. 342 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:46,399 Speaker 1: I'd be more worried. Take yourself out of the spotlight. 343 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 1: Put the spotlight onto others, and you won't be as scared. 344 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:58,320 Speaker 1: Step number four understand the power of sunk cost fallacy. 345 00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:03,359 Speaker 1: I remember studying economics, and I remember this behavioral economics 346 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: term called a sunk cost fallacy. It's when we continue 347 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: doing something because we've already invested time, money, or effort, 348 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:17,160 Speaker 1: even when it's clearly not serving us. Insecurity often thrives 349 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,679 Speaker 1: when you feel like you've failed in some way and 350 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: you can't back out now. It traps you in the 351 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 1: belief that you're stuck. I'll give you a few examples. 352 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,640 Speaker 1: Let's say you studied something at college, and even though 353 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,679 Speaker 1: you hate it, even though you don't want to do 354 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,400 Speaker 1: your career in it, you don't like your job, you 355 00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:35,920 Speaker 1: still keep doing it because you have sunk cost fallacy. 356 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,240 Speaker 1: Maybe you invested in something a few years ago. It's 357 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,639 Speaker 1: not going that well, you're never going to see a return, 358 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:45,200 Speaker 1: but you keep investing in it because of sunk cost fallacy. 359 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,520 Speaker 1: That's how it works. Now. What you have to do 360 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: in this scenario is recognized when you're holding onto a 361 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:56,960 Speaker 1: situation or mindset that no longer serves you just because 362 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 1: of past investment. Give yourself permission to walk away from 363 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,480 Speaker 1: anything that's training your energy, whether it's a toxic relationship, 364 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,880 Speaker 1: a career that no longer excites you, or a self 365 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,919 Speaker 1: image that's how dated. I find that last one to 366 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 1: be the most interesting. Going away from a self image, 367 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 1: that's how dated. It's okay. Our insecurity stems from the 368 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:27,119 Speaker 1: fact we keep investing in things that we know don't work, 369 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,440 Speaker 1: and in turn, that makes us less confident. In turn, 370 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,960 Speaker 1: it makes us value ourselves less because whatever we're doing 371 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:37,160 Speaker 1: is not growing in value. You've been in your job 372 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: for years, and while it once felt like the perfect fit, 373 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: it's no longer fulfilling. But you stay because of all 374 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: the years you've invested, and that is what ruins your confidence. 375 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,400 Speaker 1: It makes you more insecure, It makes you more self conscious. 376 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,360 Speaker 1: It makes you more self critical and judgmental because things 377 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 1: are not going well and you keep putting pressure on yourself. 378 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:04,280 Speaker 1: So how do you change? You recognize it's okay to 379 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:11,040 Speaker 1: invest differently. It's okay to reallocate that time, that energy, 380 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:15,919 Speaker 1: that money, whatever it was, because guess what, when you 381 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:21,439 Speaker 1: do that, you can reap another reward. Step five, we 382 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 1: have to reclaim our control with our locus of control. 383 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,679 Speaker 1: Let me explain what that means. Your locus of control 384 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,960 Speaker 1: is a concept in psychology that refers to whether you 385 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:37,600 Speaker 1: believe outcomes in your life are under your control or 386 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:43,800 Speaker 1: dictated by external forces. Insecurity comes from feeling like you 387 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:48,719 Speaker 1: have no control or that everything depends on luck or others. 388 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 1: We say things like yeah, if the universe wants Yeah, 389 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: if my boss realizes it, yeah, if my partner gets 390 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 1: there one day. We're outsourcing, postponing, and post dating our 391 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: own life. We're hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for something to 392 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 1: change without focusing on our own agency and the autonomy 393 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 1: that we have. Shift your mindset on what you can control, 394 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,800 Speaker 1: What action can you switch, What conversation can you have? 395 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:30,399 Speaker 1: What attitude can you develop? Stop waiting for others to 396 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:35,280 Speaker 1: validate your worth or success. When you fully embrace that 397 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: you're in control. Insecurity has nowhere to take root. Insecurity 398 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:44,480 Speaker 1: takes root when we keep repeating things like yeah, it's 399 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,720 Speaker 1: up to them if they feel like it, Hopefully they'll 400 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:53,000 Speaker 1: change one day. We're taking no responsibility and accountability in 401 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 1: our own lives. It's like saying I'm going to sit 402 00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,200 Speaker 1: in the passenger seat and I'll just go wherever the 403 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 1: driver wants. I won't give them any directions, I won't 404 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:06,000 Speaker 1: suggest to drive, I won't take control. Let's just hope 405 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,919 Speaker 1: they go in the right direction. Let me give you 406 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,880 Speaker 1: another example in real life, like you're feeling insecure about 407 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 1: relationship and what your partner thinks of you, and instead 408 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,960 Speaker 1: of fixating on their behavior or approval, think about what 409 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:23,720 Speaker 1: you can control, your own boundaries, your self respect. The 410 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:28,240 Speaker 1: more you focus on your agency, the less power insecurity has. 411 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 1: Now have a couple more I want to share with you. 412 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 1: Number six is utilize the false consensus effect. The false 413 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,400 Speaker 1: consensus effect is when we assume that everyone else thinks 414 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:43,080 Speaker 1: the way we do. We think that our mistakes or 415 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 1: quirks are glaringly obvious, but the reality is other people 416 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,240 Speaker 1: don't notice as much as you think. Right, we have 417 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 1: a spot on our face and we think everyone sees 418 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:53,639 Speaker 1: it that day, and the truth is no one can 419 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,800 Speaker 1: see it, and we blow that out of proportion and 420 00:26:56,840 --> 00:27:01,399 Speaker 1: we make it our identity. When you feel insecure, realize 421 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,399 Speaker 1: that others aren't as focused on your flaws as you 422 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,480 Speaker 1: might believe, and often you're the one amplifying your flaws 423 00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 1: so that people start to notice them more. Most people 424 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:16,720 Speaker 1: are so preoccupied with their own lives and they're scrutinizing themselves. 425 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,159 Speaker 1: But when you start scrutinizing yourself publicly, and I've heard 426 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,520 Speaker 1: people do this like, oh you know I always hand 427 00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 1: in a bad project. Oh you know I'm always late, 428 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:30,560 Speaker 1: that's what starts to create that self fulfilling prophecy and 429 00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,320 Speaker 1: the judgment that people have. So don't take that too 430 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:38,199 Speaker 1: seriously and stop repeating who you don't want to be. 431 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:42,200 Speaker 1: And the final step is to break free from imposter 432 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: syndrome using cognitive dissonance. Now, cognitive dissonance occurs when your 433 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:52,680 Speaker 1: actions conflict with your beliefs. If you're succeeding in your 434 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:56,040 Speaker 1: career or relationships, but you still feel like a fraud, 435 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,960 Speaker 1: your brain experience is a disconnect, making you feel into 436 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,040 Speaker 1: How many of you have ever felt that no matter 437 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,960 Speaker 1: what you do, no matter what you achieve, your always thinking, 438 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,919 Speaker 1: how am I here? I don't deserve to be I 439 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:09,400 Speaker 1: know I've felt that way before. It's really hard. We 440 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:14,199 Speaker 1: struggle to celebrate our wins, but we find it so 441 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:22,520 Speaker 1: easy to criticize our losses. We will quickly judge our mistakes, 442 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 1: but we will very slowly celebrate our wins. Please take 443 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:38,120 Speaker 1: your wins as importantly as your losses. Don't overvalue failure 444 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:42,880 Speaker 1: and undervalue success. Thank you so much for listening to today. 445 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,720 Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you trusted me with your time. 446 00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:53,160 Speaker 1: And remember, insecurity isn't some personal flaw. It's a byproduct 447 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 1: of outdated mental patterns. And learn the behaviors that are 448 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,240 Speaker 1: keeping you stuck. But the good news is you can 449 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,720 Speaker 1: change all of that by understanding how your brain works. 450 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: Using advanced psychological theories like cognitive dissonance, sun cast, fallacy, 451 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:14,720 Speaker 1: and the locus of control, you can take back control, 452 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:20,680 Speaker 1: embrace your unique strengths, and walk confidently into the life 453 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 1: you've always wanted. Confidence is not something that comes easily 454 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:30,600 Speaker 1: to anyone. It's something you build, and you just started today. 455 00:29:31,680 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 1: Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting 456 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,000 Speaker 1: for you, and I'm so grateful for your love and trust. 457 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:42,120 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, see you so thank you so 458 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, 459 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:50,000 Speaker 1: you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort 460 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:53,320 Speaker 1: is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking 461 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,400 Speaker 1: your hidden potential. If you know you want to be 462 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: more and achieve more this year, go check it out 463 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:02,160 Speaker 1: right now. You set a goal today, you achieve it 464 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,680 Speaker 1: in six months, and then by the time it happens, 465 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose. 466 00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:09,760 Speaker 1: You sort of expected it, and you would have been 467 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:11,200 Speaker 1: disappointed if it didn't happen.