Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becka Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: and two times People's Choice Award winning podcast.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in full shaky, What hard Buddy?
Speaker 2: Maybe Rato? Any new songs you're listening to right now?
Speaker 1: I've just been listening to the new Grazy Gabrahms album
Speaker 1: A lot.
Speaker 2: Which songs do you love?
Speaker 1: I love them all? Honestly, I don't skip. I love
Speaker 1: MIDI Bar well, Yeah, I mean that's like the standout
Speaker 1: Star and look at My Life and hit the Wall.
Speaker 1: Those are like the standouts. But I really don't skip,
Speaker 1: weirdly because a lot of them are slow and I
Speaker 1: don't really I'm not like my ballad Era, but they're
Speaker 1: all really good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, ballad Era have you. So there's a trend right
Speaker 2: now where people will take they're taking photos of the
Speaker 2: fall of like twenty twenty two, and they're like, I
Speaker 2: took this on my walk back from class listening and
Speaker 2: it was like during the mid Night's release.
Speaker 1: You know that was a great fall twenty twenty two when.
Speaker 2: Midnights came out, Just like I love a Taylor Swush release.
Speaker 1: It's a trend right now.
Speaker 2: What a weird thing, just like people sick with nostalgia
Speaker 2: for like a specific time, place and feeling.
Speaker 1: My trend I'm seeing right now this is probably old,
Speaker 1: but like the picture of yourself that could be a
Speaker 1: oh yeah going around. Oh so it's still current.
Speaker 2: I guess I just see it on stories.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker 2: Just maybe in a few months maybe maybe maybe.
Speaker 1: But you know what, this podcast is going to turn
Speaker 1: nine years old in September, and I think we need
Speaker 1: to have like some sort of something, okay, like like
Speaker 1: a party, like a party, perhaps like a revam. Perhaps
Speaker 1: we should do a lot.
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know how long. I mean, we
Speaker 2: have like a month to figure this out. But if
Speaker 2: we did, like a little mini live show rent the
Speaker 2: Roxy again.
Speaker 1: Are you out of your mind? What? First of all,
Speaker 1: those things take so much time to prepare, we can't
Speaker 1: just whittle it away in a month. And second of all.
Speaker 2: You're overestimating a little live show that that's not even
Speaker 2: a thing.
Speaker 1: And then I think the whole reason why we didn't
Speaker 1: do any more live shows is because they didn't do well.
Speaker 2: You know what, No need to squash my dreams. I'm
Speaker 2: so sorry, just because I'm a dreamer.
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm gonna let you plan it then, So in September, I'm.
Speaker 2: Not gonna plan it, but I would be down to
Speaker 2: do something to celebrate. Yeah, almost a decade.
Speaker 1: Literally almost a decade, Like that's crazy. So I don't know.
Speaker 1: Maybe I'll look into something. Maybe just have a little
Speaker 1: party that day for the podcast. I'm not sure, but
Speaker 1: I'm feeling the vibe.
Speaker 2: I was thinking of something that involves scrubbers, as they
Speaker 2: are the reason we have had nine years of scrubbing it.
Speaker 1: How do we do it?
Speaker 2: Maybe this is I was pitching if you want to
Speaker 2: plan it, but all me, No, I'm not a planner.
Speaker 1: Yeah I know, but I do think we could.
Speaker 2: Put a little something, a little podcast in the park
Speaker 2: or something that'd be.
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is, maybe we just do like an
Speaker 1: unofficial like Oh okay, okay, yeah, oh I thought you
Speaker 1: got like a whole full ticketed like thing.
Speaker 2: No, I was joking about the roxy that was just.
Speaker 1: Like a podcast in the park is super cute. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a little Sunday soire. Let's get the dates, get the
Speaker 1: date of our actual thing anniversary, and then we can yeah,
Speaker 1: chill do like a little chill something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll do a little uh session.
Speaker 1: What's it called Sunday session?
Speaker 2: No, what's it called when you make plans in your brainstorm?
Speaker 2: A brainstorm session?
Speaker 1: Brainstorm session.
Speaker 2: Anyways, we have a Dear Bonnie episode where.
Speaker 1: She just wants to get straight in. We're to fun
Speaker 1: fodder for Becca.
Speaker 2: We're trying to decide if we wanted to do a
Speaker 2: game at the end, and Tanya last week or on Monday,
Speaker 2: was like, well, some people don't like it, some like it,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, you know what, We're going to do
Speaker 2: it for those who like it, and if you don't
Speaker 2: like it, then we'll just tell you when we're going
Speaker 2: to do it and you can just.
Speaker 1: In the podcast.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's just how life works sometimes, you know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 2: And we're going to give you the option. We're gonna
Speaker 2: say it's starting now if you want to play along.
Speaker 2: We love you, love to have you.
Speaker 1: And I'm listening to the notes, you know, I know.
Speaker 2: But the thing is if you listen too much to
Speaker 2: the notes, then you have fifty.
Speaker 1: Year Oh no, But I think the notes are helping.
Speaker 1: I think they're guiding this game into a path. Like
Speaker 1: people did enjoy the one by one, but because it
Speaker 1: was like.
Speaker 2: I hated this format, So you're going to have people
Speaker 2: who it said that someone commented I hated this format.
Speaker 1: Well that person I saw more appreciation for the one
Speaker 1: on one.
Speaker 2: All I'm saying is we'll just do it. What what
Speaker 2: the majority ones, and then if they want to be
Speaker 2: a part of it, great and if not, the it's okay.
Speaker 2: It's just in our game era.
Speaker 1: Yeah we are. Games are fun and light.
Speaker 2: They're really fun. They're light. Tanya needs light, so y'all
Speaker 2: quit dampening Tanya's lightness.
Speaker 1: I need light and I need levity.
Speaker 2: Okay, we're taking away Tanya's levity when we just need games.
Speaker 2: Yes for our non competitive queen. Yes, so many years
Speaker 2: ago as she said she's not competitive.
Speaker 1: I'm not. I lose every week and yet I'm coming
Speaker 1: back here.
Speaker 2: But you care?
Speaker 1: I do care.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's good. It's growth. If we're not growing, what
Speaker 2: are we doing?
Speaker 1: My point exactly?
Speaker 2: I know? Okay, shall we get started?
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 2: You want to start? Do you want me to?
Speaker 1: Why don't I start? Now? Why don't you start?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: I just want to do the third one.
Speaker 2: Okay. I'm in my forties and have been on and
Speaker 2: off the dating apps for years since my last serious relationship.
Speaker 2: I recently met a guy on Hinge who was married
Speaker 2: for twenty years and has been divorced for about a
Speaker 2: year and a half. We've only been seeing each other
Speaker 2: for three three weeks, but he's very secure, knows he
Speaker 2: wants a relationship and isn't afraid to show it. Dating
Speaker 2: in my forties has made me more of an overthinker
Speaker 2: and cautiously optimistic. We agree on all the big things
Speaker 2: and everything feels so easy. But he's definitely more confident
Speaker 2: about us than I am. At this point, I'm curious
Speaker 2: how Becca let her guard down with Hailey. We're either
Speaker 2: of you ever in a relationship where one person fell
Speaker 2: all the way in while the other needed more time
Speaker 2: even though they were really interested. Also, I'm definitely not
Speaker 2: a Tanya. Oh but he is. He's already brought me flowers,
Speaker 2: cute cards, and even dog treats for my two dogs. Tanya,
Speaker 2: what are some of the little things you did earlier
Speaker 2: on that Robbie really appreciated you. Both are such a
Speaker 2: refreshing break in my week. Thank you so nice, so nice, Gosh,
Speaker 2: I just never had my guard up with Haley, I
Speaker 2: was just so in, so fast, so scary. But I
Speaker 2: also think like sometimes it's a I think for some
Speaker 2: people sometimes it's a slow burn. It wasn't for me
Speaker 2: with my relationship or Falie, and it wasn't for you either,
Speaker 2: But I think I get it. I think the older
Speaker 2: you get, the more you have your way of doing things,
Speaker 2: the more you're cautious about who you let in. And
Speaker 2: I think the more time that goes by where you're
Speaker 2: not opening yourself up and opening your heart, the more
Speaker 2: inward you go. I think that's just the natural thing
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: And I also think people can get very comfortable being
Speaker 1: single totally.
Speaker 2: That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so having someone coming in
Speaker 2: and doing nice things for you but also kind of
Speaker 2: taking up your time and space probably does feel almost
Speaker 2: like threatening in a way to this like version of
Speaker 2: yourself that you've gotten so used to. So I wouldn't
Speaker 2: be super hard on yourself. But I also feel like,
Speaker 2: if you really like him and you're interested in him,
Speaker 2: I wantn't necessarily let it scare you off. But I
Speaker 2: also don't want you to get love bombed like that
Speaker 2: happens too.
Speaker 1: So does it sound like he's of bombing.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying, like there's a fine line, you know,
Speaker 2: of doing all the nice things and then it being
Speaker 2: loved bombing. But what were some of the things that
Speaker 2: you did for Robbie that he appreciated.
Speaker 1: I always like had This is like so silly because
Speaker 1: like he doesn't eat Reese's pieces like you know, but
Speaker 1: like I always took notes on the things that he liked.
Speaker 1: So Reeseist pieces, those little like.
Speaker 2: Yeah, almost like an eminem b yes pieces.
Speaker 1: Those were like his favorite candy, So I always like
Speaker 1: had those in my apartment. There was like a green
Speaker 1: juice he got from Creation, Like I would have like
Speaker 1: the green juice there for him. I knew his favorite
Speaker 1: type of apple, so I would always have like his
Speaker 1: favorite type of apple there. I knew if he was
Speaker 1: coming over, like on a Friday afternoon, and I knew
Speaker 1: we were like going to get drinks or something, I
Speaker 1: would always have or we were like going out, I
Speaker 1: would have his favorite like drink ready for him when
Speaker 1: he got to my apartment. I would leave him like
Speaker 1: little notes. One night one time he came over and
Speaker 1: I like left a bunch of different like notes, like
Speaker 1: like one card in the kitchen and then like then
Speaker 1: your next one is upstairs on the bed, and then
Speaker 1: like I left him like little things and we're doing
Speaker 1: like a paint, little paint thing upstairs, you.
Speaker 2: Know, quite romantic, very thoughtful.
Speaker 1: It was also the pandemic, so I would go all
Speaker 1: out for these things.
Speaker 2: You know, your dates were in the house. Yeah, I
Speaker 2: think it's like I definitely feel like I was in
Speaker 2: uh like I felt like with Robert, my guard was
Speaker 2: very much up. I felt very prideful of my almost
Speaker 2: like stoicism towards relationships. Like I felt almost like you
Speaker 2: can't break down my wall. Yeah, and I don't know
Speaker 2: why he was so patient, and what a what a
Speaker 2: wonderful patient man he was, because I was is yeah,
Speaker 2: well I haven't seen him in a long time, but
Speaker 2: at the.
Speaker 1: Imagine him, I'm he's still patient.
Speaker 2: But I think it's I think it's okay to let
Speaker 2: your guard down, because even if this isn't your person,
Speaker 2: and even if it's like he ends up not being
Speaker 2: the guy or being not as wonderful as you think
Speaker 2: he is, you don't even you're you're not even gonna
Speaker 2: give yourself a chance to experience something great if you're
Speaker 2: so closed off so I think it can feel scary,
Speaker 2: but the worst that can happen is you move on.
Speaker 1: I don't even know how to put my guard up.
Speaker 2: Your guard is like locked, and it's like locked on the.
Speaker 1: Down my guard. My guard doesn't even know how to
Speaker 1: get out of the cage. So I can't I can't
Speaker 1: help there.
Speaker 2: I think just just enjoy it. And also, you've only
Speaker 2: been dating for three weeks, and I don't think you
Speaker 2: should close if you're like not one hundred percent in
Speaker 2: on this guy. I don't think you should close yourself
Speaker 2: off to meeting other people. You don't have to spread
Speaker 2: your seed, but I think you can not put all
Speaker 2: your eggs in one basket. Yes, disperse your eggs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but not figure not literally.
Speaker 2: Yeah, your not your eggs. Yeah, but.
Speaker 1: It always goes back there for me. Anyways, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do Janelle next, just because I want to do that one.
Speaker 1: Then you can do the honest.
Speaker 2: Okay, we're skipping around, Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm picking and choosing, all right. This is from Jenelle.
Speaker 1: This is mainly for Tanya, my fellow fair skin queen.
Speaker 1: I'm extremely pale with dark hair, similar to Sophia Carson.
Speaker 1: I've been using self tanner and getting spray tan since
Speaker 1: I was eighteen and I'm thirty six now. It's exhausting,
Speaker 1: and honestly, I hate feeling like I have to do it.
Speaker 1: My pale skin keeps me from wearing dresses, shorts, and swimsuits,
Speaker 1: and it really affects my confidence. When I skip the
Speaker 1: self tanner, people always comment on how white I look.
Speaker 1: It's so discouraging. I'm actually in tears writing this because
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get ready for date night and I
Speaker 1: hate how I look without a tan. I'm working through
Speaker 1: this in therapy, but I'm hoping Tanya might have some
Speaker 1: encouraging words. So it's so crazy because I who used
Speaker 1: to get ray tans all the time, and then once
Speaker 1: I realized how toxic they were, I stopped getting them.
Speaker 1: Not to say I won't dabble. I might even get
Speaker 1: one this week, that's right. So I don't like swear
Speaker 1: them off. I'm just doing them, not as often as
Speaker 1: I used to. In moderation, if you will, but me too.
Speaker 1: My skin is like the color of milk. My legs
Speaker 1: are the color of milk. Sometimes tanner, well, I am
Speaker 1: a little tann right now. It's still from Cabo and
Speaker 1: I also like walk outside, it's like a bazillion degree,
Speaker 1: so I have a little bit of a tan. But
Speaker 1: my legs, no, no, no, my legs are as white
Speaker 1: as as white as a cloud. I mean, come on,
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I don't it's pretty white anyways, Janelle,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. Who cares what people think about your legs?
Speaker 1: We all have different Like if your legs aren't too white,
Speaker 1: then you have viicos veins. If you don't have vericose veins,
Speaker 1: then your skin is blotchy. If your skin's not blotchy,
Speaker 1: then you have razor burn. If you don't have razor burn,
Speaker 1: then you have ingrown hairs on your bikini line. Like
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like everybody has something, I
Speaker 1: can guarantee you, even people that you look at and
Speaker 1: you think, oh my gosh, they're probably so confident they
Speaker 1: have whatever in their head, you know, cell you light,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. And I just think it's gonna
Speaker 1: sound so silly, but I think you should practice doing
Speaker 1: stuff with like shorts on, like going to the things
Speaker 1: that are like low stakes, not going on dates with
Speaker 1: shorts on, but like going to the store with shorts on.
Speaker 1: Good doing exposure therapy, because and then you're gonna just
Speaker 1: be like, why have I been wearing pants? Or like
Speaker 1: why do I I just think the more you do something,
Speaker 1: the more it becomes just like a habit.
Speaker 2: I think when someone if someone makes a clummet, I
Speaker 2: feel like you should just own it and be like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I take really good care of my skin so that
Speaker 2: I stay looking younger longer.
Speaker 1: People tell me all the time, WHOA, you're so white?
Speaker 1: This all the time my friends. I'm like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: your legs are so pale.
Speaker 2: But I'd like to clarify I've never.
Speaker 1: Once I think you have one. I have never said that,
Speaker 1: but I'm not offended by it. I'm my legs haven't
Speaker 1: seen the light of days since like January twenty twenty three.
Speaker 2: Even when you go, should I do a spray tin?
Speaker 2: I really don't want to, but my legs look so pale.
Speaker 2: I'm like, do what you want if you feel good
Speaker 2: with your legs looking all Like.
Speaker 1: All I'm saying is people comment on how white I
Speaker 1: look often, and I don't care, Like I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: just like I know I haven't like, I haven't gone
Speaker 1: my legs haven't seen the light of day.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Jane, this is like one of those things where
Speaker 2: we've talked about this on the podcast before, but like
Speaker 2: when someone has kids and they are going on dates
Speaker 2: and they feel like they have to, they almost are
Speaker 2: like ashamed to say that they have kids instead of
Speaker 2: being confident about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's like play it out.
Speaker 2: Am I are you Janelle? Or am I? No? No?
Speaker 2: No not?
Speaker 1: You know like what the kids saying, Well, let's do
Speaker 1: let's do you know? Okay? Fine, fine, fine, you know
Speaker 1: I'll bet you know? Okay, no you okay? Because this
Speaker 1: is your the guy on the date.
Speaker 2: Oh okay, how do you know? Hi? Am I supposed to.
Speaker 1: Say, like, wow, you you're like your legs are so pale?
Speaker 2: Oh I do you know you look beautiful? Whoa, your
Speaker 2: legs are really pale?
Speaker 1: I know, tell me about I haven't been on vacation
Speaker 1: in a minute.
Speaker 2: I don't think vacation is the no, well no, because
Speaker 2: I don't think she needs to be on vacation in
Speaker 2: the sun.
Speaker 1: The only time my skin sees the sun.
Speaker 2: I don't think she like I think she's protective of
Speaker 2: her skin, is what I'm sensing. Oh, or maybe she
Speaker 2: just doesn't tand maybe she just burns, so maybe.
Speaker 1: It is harder. Yeah, this is harder than I thought. Jane,
Speaker 1: I'm so glad we're playing this out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, you know you look beautiful. Oh your legs
Speaker 2: are really pale.
Speaker 1: I know is beautiful.
Speaker 2: Wow. That that's one way to do it.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. I watched me in thirty years without the
Speaker 1: wrinkly wrinkles over my knees, wondering.
Speaker 2: If okay, I'm really trying to play that. I want
Speaker 2: I want her to know what to say if someone
Speaker 2: ever says.
Speaker 1: That again, is on a date. I feel like it's
Speaker 1: just she's more self conscious about it. It's not like
Speaker 1: the guys.
Speaker 2: It's not saying that's I'm saying. But she said people
Speaker 2: have said it, and so have.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, Oh my gosh, I've heard it
Speaker 1: time and time again.
Speaker 2: I think you should just say, yeah, you should see
Speaker 2: what happens when I go in the sun. I burn
Speaker 2: like crazy and I'm just I'm rocking it, just like
Speaker 2: own what you're doing, Like own the fact that you're like, yeah,
Speaker 2: I've always done spray TNDS and I'm I'm this is
Speaker 2: my exposure therapy, and I want to like feel comfortable
Speaker 2: in my skin.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think that's the whole thing. And it's so much
Speaker 2: easier said than done. I know, like when confidence about something,
Speaker 2: but just know that you are protecting your skin. And
Speaker 2: there's other people who are just like worship the sun
Speaker 2: and their skin does not look good. And I I
Speaker 2: bet your beautiful light skin looks so healthy and fresh
Speaker 2: and you're taking care of yourself, which is important. And
Speaker 2: I think on special occasions, like if you want to
Speaker 2: if you want to put self tanner on, I don't
Speaker 2: think that's a bad thing, like makeup on because I
Speaker 2: want to feel better. Yeah, it's like make up for
Speaker 2: your body. But I think if you're tired of doing that,
Speaker 2: I also think it's important to love who you are
Speaker 2: without that. And I think that's the practice of like
Speaker 2: leaning into the confidence of the journey of getting confident
Speaker 2: about your skin tone.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and like you said, she said she's working on
Speaker 1: it in therapy. I think that's like a huge that's
Speaker 1: going to be huge for you. Just like talking it
Speaker 1: out because at the end of the day, it really
Speaker 1: is your mindset. Your mindset is everything in life, and
Speaker 1: if you aren't insecure about how pale you are, it's
Speaker 1: not gonna matter.
Speaker 2: I actually wish Easton was here today because Alison is
Speaker 2: really protective of her skin. She's really light skin and
Speaker 2: won't go in the sun, and she has the most
Speaker 2: she looks like a porcelain doll. Like Allison is the
Speaker 2: most beautiful skin and she's so protective of it. So
Speaker 2: I guess it's also changing your mindset of how you
Speaker 2: view lighter skin and pale skin, because like when I
Speaker 2: see people with light skin, I'm like, wow, they really
Speaker 2: take care of themselves. Like I'm never like oh my god,
Speaker 2: I'm just like wow, they really care about their skin
Speaker 2: health and you know what they're doing for it. So
Speaker 2: I think it's reshifting your brain chemistry. And I also
Speaker 2: think doing therapy is great. And I also think go
Speaker 2: outside with a short sleeve shirt or or shorts on,
Speaker 2: and like Tanya said, go to the store, go run
Speaker 2: an errand and if someone says anything, be like totally.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, I see it every day.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So I think you are on a beautiful
Speaker 2: journey and I'm proud of you because being confident in
Speaker 2: something takes vulnerability.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And.
Speaker 2: It's gonna be a journey and you're gonna feel empowered
Speaker 2: through it.
Speaker 1: It is so true though, It's like everybody has something,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, everybody has something. I didn't
Speaker 1: even do a spraytann for my wedding. I was very
Speaker 1: pale at my wedding.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I don't remember you being pale at your wedding.
Speaker 1: Yeah, look back some of the photos. My skin and
Speaker 1: my dress very similar.
Speaker 2: I thought you just had a long dressold. What I
Speaker 2: thought you just had a long dressold thinking about your reception.
Speaker 1: I've had my wedding.
Speaker 2: You couldn't even str legs in your wedding.
Speaker 1: My arms, my arms, my arms, I know.
Speaker 2: But you're quite like blow stuff on you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's fine. I'm not worried about it.
Speaker 2: A bad example, not worried about it. Okay, we're gonna
Speaker 2: take a break. But we have an ex husband, ex
Speaker 2: husband's now X message someone I don't even understand. That
Speaker 2: feels like drama. Stay tuned, we're back, We're back, all right.
Speaker 2: A couple of days ago, I got a random DM
Speaker 2: on Instagram from a woman who told me she's been
Speaker 2: dating my ex husband for the past two years. She
Speaker 2: said she had a lot of questions and asked if
Speaker 2: i'd meet her for coffee. I wasn't comfortable meeting, but
Speaker 2: I did agree to message with her. As we talked,
Speaker 2: I realized he told her a completely different version of
Speaker 2: why our marriage ended. He told her we divorced because
Speaker 2: our work schedules weren't compatible. The truth is he cheated
Speaker 2: on me. She also shared that he cheated on her
Speaker 2: and that she experienced emotional manipulation throughout their relationship. It
Speaker 2: was honestly surreal comparing notes and realizing we had lived
Speaker 2: through so many of the same things. I told her.
Speaker 2: I thought it was healthiest for us to stop talking
Speaker 2: and wish her the best, but she's still asking if
Speaker 2: we can meet in person. Part of me feels for
Speaker 2: her because I know exactly what she's going through. The
Speaker 2: other part of me feels like I've already said everything
Speaker 2: I needed to say and don't want to reopen a
Speaker 2: chapter of my life I've worked really hard to close.
Speaker 2: Do I owe her a coffee or is it okay
Speaker 2: to kindly say no and protect my own peace?
Speaker 1: Very strong opinion on this, Yeah, listen, you're universal board.
Speaker 2: She seems seems like she's not in the relationship anymore.
Speaker 2: Seems like they also broke up, so she's processing what
Speaker 2: you've already been through and you don't need to be
Speaker 2: her guiding light. Is my opinion.
Speaker 1: Zero. This person is not your friend, that this person
Speaker 1: is not your family. This person is if you want to,
Speaker 1: if you wanted to talk to her to get to
Speaker 1: feel better about the situation or to get clarity or whatever,
Speaker 1: then by all means, but you protecting your piece is
Speaker 1: the biggest thing.
Speaker 2: I think there's a way of saying it to where
Speaker 2: she doesn't feel like alone and dismissed. But you can
Speaker 2: just say, hey, like, I don't really have anything else
Speaker 2: to say. I don't see a need for us to
Speaker 2: meet in person, and I don't really want to just
Speaker 2: like what you said, I don't really want to open
Speaker 2: a chapter that I've worked really hard to close. But
Speaker 2: I wish you the best and I hope you're able
Speaker 2: to find closure like I have. Yeah, and just you know,
Speaker 2: let her know that simple support her from afar. But
Speaker 2: you don't need to meet up with her.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's easy for me. Bye bye, And.
Speaker 2: I'm glad that you have moved on because tutors.
Speaker 1: Are just the worst. Yeah, they're just they're just lack
Speaker 1: of character. Really and that's not what we want for
Speaker 1: our Scrubby and Queen. No, okay, this is from Alyssa
Speaker 1: issues with step mother in law. My in laws live
Speaker 1: about an hour and a half away from my husband,
Speaker 1: our two year old son, and me. My husband has
Speaker 1: never been very close with his stepmom, even though she's
Speaker 1: been in his life for almost thirty years. She has
Speaker 1: three kids who live nearby, and they've all been and
Speaker 1: they've always been the priority. I hope things would change
Speaker 1: once we had our son, but they really haven't. They've
Speaker 1: only driven to see him once for his first birthday party,
Speaker 1: while they see her kids all the time. A few
Speaker 1: weeks ago, I finally told my step mother in law
Speaker 1: that I really wanted them to be more involved in
Speaker 1: our son's life. I also pointed out that he is
Speaker 1: my father in law's only biological grandson, and that really
Speaker 1: upset her. Looking back, I realized that was probably triggering
Speaker 1: and I regret saying it in that way. We talked
Speaker 1: it through and she insists that we're fine, but it
Speaker 1: doesn't feel that way. We haven't really spoken since she
Speaker 1: stopped liking my posts about my son on Facebook and
Speaker 1: didn't even wish my husband a happy birthday. My son's
Speaker 1: second birthday party is coming up, and I'm nervous since
Speaker 1: she says we're good. Do I just let it go
Speaker 1: or do I bring it up again?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: Man? Yeah? Also sorry, But like she seems very pettious
Speaker 1: if she's going to stop liking your photos on Facebook, and.
Speaker 2: Like I always say, like, don't put that much weight
Speaker 2: into social media stuff, because like, at the end of
Speaker 2: the day, it is social media. But if she if
Speaker 2: you had a conversation, then there was a clear stop
Speaker 2: in engagement with you, It's like, that's just petty behavior. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I also don't think it's I don't think what you
Speaker 2: said was wrong. Like I think pointing out that you
Speaker 2: have a biological grandson that it's important for y'all to
Speaker 2: have an equal time with him just as much, you
Speaker 2: know what.
Speaker 1: It's making me realize, though, I feel like so much
Speaker 1: of our angst in life, and so much of our
Speaker 1: anxiety comes from expectation from others. And I think that
Speaker 1: when you really lower that bar, like when you just
Speaker 1: don't like, of course, obviously you want your in laws
Speaker 1: to have a relationship with your son, that's very obvious,
Speaker 1: but for some reason they're not putting in the effort.
Speaker 1: Who knows why, we don't know why, but you just
Speaker 1: can't force people to care or be involved. And I
Speaker 1: feel like if you just let that go, it's going
Speaker 1: to bring you more peace. I feel like if you
Speaker 1: keep forcing the issue, it's just going to create more tension.
Speaker 1: She's clearly already stopped liking your photos, so she's pissed off.
Speaker 1: And I just feel like the more you try and
Speaker 1: force it, the worse it's going to get. So I
Speaker 1: think the best that you can do is you yourself
Speaker 1: can try to see them more. Maybe you know, you
Speaker 1: arrange things and if they don't bite, like I don't
Speaker 1: even bite, but like, if they're not wanting to take
Speaker 1: you up on those offers, then I think you have
Speaker 1: to like leave a bee.
Speaker 2: I also think I was rereading this and you said
Speaker 2: that your husband has never been close with this stepmom,
Speaker 2: and so I think expecting someone's behavior to change just
Speaker 2: because you have a kid, like the effort doesn't. Unfortunately,
Speaker 2: it doesn't always change just due to having a baby,
Speaker 2: Like sometimes a baby doesn't change the effort that someone's
Speaker 2: willing to be put to put in. And I agree,
Speaker 2: I think at some point, maybe you just need to
Speaker 2: accept that her she is low effort in y'all's life,
Speaker 2: and you see her when you see her, and don't
Speaker 2: put pressure or expectations on it just because you had
Speaker 2: a baby to expect her to change. It sounds like
Speaker 2: this is who she is and who she's been, and
Speaker 2: see her when you see her, and focus on the
Speaker 2: people who do show up totally, and you don't have
Speaker 2: to beg to show up. And it doesn't have to
Speaker 2: be family totally totally.
Speaker 1: Becca amen to that.
Speaker 2: Sometimes it's chosen family.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's chosen family.
Speaker 2: So it just do you be like, sorry, you're navigating that.
Speaker 2: So it's so hard when you want people to show up.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, it's just don't it's so disappointing. But I
Speaker 1: think you just have to accept people as they are.
Speaker 1: That's like one of the things Robbie taught me this
Speaker 1: a long time ago, and it like, I know, it's
Speaker 1: very simple, but like the way he said it to
Speaker 1: me was like so groundbreaking. Like I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, Yes, just accept people for who they are
Speaker 1: and that's it. Don't expect more.
Speaker 3: Yeah, either have them in your life or don't. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but some people are just in your life and that.
Speaker 3: But that just accept them for who they are and
Speaker 3: how they are. Yeah, it's good stuff, man, not going
Speaker 3: to get that anywhere else.
Speaker 2: It's good stuff. Okay, so we have one more. Do
Speaker 2: you want me to read the friend hasn't met my baby?
Speaker 2: Or overstepping mother in law?
Speaker 1: Maybe we just did a mother in law one. So
Speaker 1: maybe dew friend hasn't met my baby?
Speaker 2: Okay, Day one, Scrubber, first time writing in. I'm really
Speaker 2: confused about a situation with one of my closest friends.
Speaker 2: We've been friends for over fifteen years, where bridesmaids in
Speaker 2: each other's weddings, and have always talked about our never
Speaker 2: ending bucket list of things to do together. I had
Speaker 2: my first baby last fall, and somehow she still hasn't
Speaker 2: met my daughter. We only live about forty minutes apart.
Speaker 2: Throughout my maternity leave, she kept texting me as saying
Speaker 2: she couldn't wait to meet the baby and couldn't believe
Speaker 2: how much she'd grown. I told her my schedule was
Speaker 2: completely flexible and gave her every opportunity to come over,
Speaker 2: but she never made plans. The other day, I sent
Speaker 2: her some new pictures of my daughter, and she never responded,
Speaker 2: She's always on social media, so I know she saw them.
Speaker 2: At this point, I just feel hurt. She's missed such
Speaker 2: a big part of my life, and it feels like
Speaker 2: she's made no effort. What would you do? Wait, what
Speaker 2: are you gonna say?
Speaker 1: I'm just so glad she's saying this because I am
Speaker 1: this friend. Like, I don't want to meet people's babies,
Speaker 1: because I know how protect people are over their babies
Speaker 1: and like when they're not vaccinated yet or like whatever
Speaker 1: germs like. I just know how protective people are. So
Speaker 1: I'm never the person to initiate meeting somebody's baby because
Speaker 1: I never want to put the other person in that
Speaker 1: position to be uncomfortable. Do you get a saying? She did?
Speaker 2: She did give her permission, though, no, she didn't, she said.
Speaker 4: She said.
Speaker 2: I told her my schedule was completely flexible and gave
Speaker 2: her every opportunity to come over.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, but that's not she said. I told her
Speaker 1: that my schedule is completely flexible. Uh, come over whenever
Speaker 1: you want. You have to, like point blank be like,
Speaker 1: I want you to meet my baby. Can you come
Speaker 1: over Friday? It's so true.
Speaker 2: I texted Alley every day when can I went to
Speaker 2: the hospital to meet the baby, and then I text
Speaker 2: her after that to be like, Hey, do you want
Speaker 2: me to come over? What can I help with? Even
Speaker 2: if I'm not holding the baby, I can help with
Speaker 2: laundry or spend time with my friend. You that needs
Speaker 2: to change if that's how you handle that situation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because I'm scared because I know how to.
Speaker 2: Hold the baby. Though you could just go spend time
Speaker 2: with your friend and see the baby and help with
Speaker 2: things around the house show up for them. Well, I'm
Speaker 2: stressed because I haven't gotten to meet JoJo's baby, and
Speaker 2: she lives in Puerto Rico, so it's it's a little
Speaker 2: harder than the forty minute drive. And we've had made
Speaker 2: plans and then things shifted and it didn't work out.
Speaker 2: So I'm but forty minutes away. There's no excuse, TONI.
Speaker 2: We're gonna have to talk about this after the podcast
Speaker 2: because what we got to change that mindset for me personally,
Speaker 2: because I don't know that that's happening.
Speaker 1: Well, like, here's the thing. I don't think it's not.
Speaker 1: It hasn't been any of like my best friends. I
Speaker 1: was gonna say, I think it's it must be different.
Speaker 1: Like if you had a baby, I would not feel
Speaker 1: concerned about like having my germs on your baby. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, actually, I'm thinking of people that in my life,
Speaker 1: that life, you know, like my co work, like when
Speaker 1: Sysney had her kids, or like people in my life
Speaker 1: that like are in my life, but they're not my
Speaker 1: best friends. Do you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying that it's weird like show up for
Speaker 2: people without needing to expose them to your germs.
Speaker 1: A friend of mine again not, she's not like a
Speaker 1: best friend by any means. She had a baby and
Speaker 1: I've like reach out a couple of times to like
Speaker 1: catch up, and.
Speaker 2: She didn't catch up. Right now she's.
Speaker 1: Offered like FaceTime like whatever, like just go help her, be.
Speaker 2: Like hey, can I bring food? Can I send you anything?
Speaker 2: Can I come help with laundry? Hold the baby while
Speaker 2: you shower.
Speaker 1: I don't think she wants me to hold the baby.
Speaker 2: Okay, well then watch the baby, say Michelle.
Speaker 1: Coming from somebody, it's not. I don't think it's necessarily
Speaker 1: coming from a bad place. I think it might be
Speaker 1: be coming from somebody who just doesn't want to like
Speaker 1: overstep or I.
Speaker 2: Don't think she's stepping. I don't even think she's stepping
Speaker 2: to overstep, you know what, Michelle. I would reach out
Speaker 2: and I would say, hey, I don't know if something's
Speaker 2: happened and I missed out because my life has been
Speaker 2: a whirlwin since having this baby, but I would love
Speaker 2: for you to come over. I'd love to see you,
Speaker 2: and I'd love for you to meet the baby. Is
Speaker 2: there any time this week that you could come over?
Speaker 2: If I haven't made it clear, i'd love to see you.
Speaker 2: I'm just saying I think that's a way because my
Speaker 2: feelings would be hurt. And I also think that maybe
Speaker 2: you need to communicate a little. It seems like there
Speaker 2: are people you need to be a little more direct with.
Speaker 2: So yes, maybe just say like, I would love for
Speaker 2: you to come over. We can have dinner and chat
Speaker 2: and you can meet the baby. I'd love to catch up.
Speaker 1: M And if she leaves you like hanging on that,
Speaker 1: then I think you just need to reassess your friendship.
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, that's that's respectfully, Yeah, respectfully. Okay, So we're
Speaker 2: going to take a break and when we come back,
Speaker 2: we are going to be playing a gay am I?
Speaker 2: Who am I? And we're going to do the should
Speaker 2: we should we tell people that we're like, should we
Speaker 2: let people know who they are?
Speaker 1: People like to know? And then somebody like to play
Speaker 1: a long so it's like, what do we do?
Speaker 2: Let's just not tell We're just gonna let people play along. Okay,
Speaker 2: And so if you want to join us, we'll be back.
Speaker 2: And if you're saying goodbye, we love we love you
Speaker 2: so much and we'll be back next week. Okay, taking
Speaker 2: a break, be very back.
Speaker 1: We're back.
Speaker 2: We're back in action.
Speaker 1: Yep.
Speaker 2: Do you want to go first? We're gonna ping ping pong.
Speaker 2: All right, we decided that you can go first.
Speaker 1: Okay, we're gonna recap every couple of questions. Am I
Speaker 1: a man?
Speaker 2: No Am I a woman?
Speaker 1: Yes? Am I a woman? Yes?
Speaker 2: Am I an actress?
Speaker 1: Yes Am I a singer?
Speaker 2: No Am I a TV actress?
Speaker 1: Yes am I an actress?
Speaker 2: No Like, I feel like you've been in movies, but
Speaker 2: you're not. I wouldn't say you're like, that's not what
Speaker 2: you're known for.
Speaker 1: Fair?
Speaker 2: Am I older than thirty?
Speaker 1: Yes am I an influencer? Huh?
Speaker 2: I mean yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah in a way?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, am I white? No Am I a model?
Speaker 2: No am I black.
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, I'm gonna read. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna RecA.
Speaker 1: I'm a woman. I'm not a singer. I'm not an actress.
Speaker 1: I in a way, i am an influencer. I'm not
Speaker 1: a model. I am a.
Speaker 2: Woman who is an actress. I'm a black woman who
Speaker 2: is a TV actress. I'm older than thirty.
Speaker 1: That's what we have. Okay. So if I'm not a singer,
Speaker 1: I'm not an actress. I'm not a model. How do
Speaker 1: people know me? How do people know me? Am I broadcaster?
Speaker 2: No? Am I on a current TV show? No?
Speaker 1: You are not okay? Okay, I'm not an actress. Am
Speaker 1: I an EPO baby?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 2: Have I been on a Shonda Rhyme show?
Speaker 1: Yes? Am I a reality TV star?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Are you kidding?
Speaker 2: No? You're so so hard a.
Speaker 1: Damn nice?
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is just set up. Am I in a
Speaker 2: show called scandal? No?
Speaker 1: You're not okay? So I'm a woman, I'm not a singer,
Speaker 1: I'm not an actress. I am in an away influencer.
Speaker 1: I'm not a model. I am not a broadcaster. I'm
Speaker 1: not an EPO baby, and I'm not a reality TV star?
Speaker 1: Who am I am? I podcaster.
Speaker 3: I don't think, guys, this is a joke, like you're
Speaker 3: very famous. Yeah, I'm a podcaster, right, Am I on
Speaker 3: Gray's Anatomy?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Oh am I?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: Am I white? Yes?
Speaker 2: No, way am I in? Oh my god? What is
Speaker 2: that show called something about murder? Is it a show
Speaker 2: about murders?
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes? Am I a comedian?
Speaker 2: No? I think you're a comedian?
Speaker 1: Am I?
Speaker 2: Viola Davis?
Speaker 1: That's insane? I hate this game. We're done with this game.
Speaker 2: Yours is so hard. I don't even know who.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what I do. I just know
Speaker 1: I'm a white lady.
Speaker 2: Think of the ultimate white lady. Think of someone when
Speaker 2: someone has a white lady, who could come to mind?
Speaker 2: Betty White, No, not her last name, not a Lott
Speaker 2: name association.
Speaker 1: Megan Markle getting in that direction.
Speaker 2: She's not white, by the way. Oh yeah, but you're
Speaker 2: in a similar direction.
Speaker 1: What's her name? Uh, Princess whatever.
Speaker 2: Princess of No. No, go back in the other direction
Speaker 2: of Mega Markle like her new Netflix show.
Speaker 1: I have a new Netflix show.
Speaker 2: Uh, I think you Martha stew.
Speaker 1: That's insane. Wow, that's insane.
Speaker 2: N Martha Stewart was insane. Sam Sam said.
Speaker 4: Game, let me screw her over even more because I
Speaker 4: wouldn't even even know what questions to ask for her either,
Speaker 4: after you said after we said no to everybody, I
Speaker 4: really don't know because celebrity chef and like homemaker when
Speaker 4: it be no.
Speaker 1: I would never think that. Wow, wow, Sam has now
Speaker 1: lost her privileges picking.
Speaker 2: Yeah that was That was a tough one. Okay, all right,
Speaker 2: another one bites the dust.
Speaker 1: Will I ever win this game? Is really the question
Speaker 1: it should turn into will Tanya ever win this game?
Speaker 2: So? Know, we thought Viola Davis would be harder. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I thought yours was gonna be hard well, I when
Speaker 2: you I was narrowed down to Shonda Rhymes, I thought
Speaker 2: it was Kerry Washington.
Speaker 1: Yeah, once you said scam and then I thought it
Speaker 1: was Bailey Ah. Yes, yeah, Well isn't that nice your
Speaker 1: third guess?
Speaker 2: Yeah? No, I had. I had a bunch. All right, everybody,
Speaker 2: thanks for playing along. We might take a break from
Speaker 2: that just so Tanya can well.
Speaker 1: I'm not I might not be here next week.
Speaker 2: Oh okay, so yeah, Tanya, she may or may not
Speaker 2: be here next week. Stay.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing about me in this this phase of life,
Speaker 1: we can't really plan things because the last trip we
Speaker 1: planned got really we were just out a lot of money,
Speaker 1: and so we were like, we're not planning things, and
Speaker 1: so whenever my period comes, we can plan a quick
Speaker 1: little jaunt. So we might plan a quick little johnt
Speaker 1: next week.
Speaker 2: Okay, so Tanya might be out on a jaunt. And
Speaker 2: I think as of now, what's confirmed is that Ali's
Speaker 2: gonna come on and she's gonna talk about having a baby,
Speaker 2: and we're gonna catch up and she's gonna either fill
Speaker 2: in for Tanya or be here with me and Tanya.
Speaker 2: So we'll be back next week, Tanya pending and we
Speaker 2: love you all so much.
Speaker 1: Wonderful b