Speaker 1: If I'm reactive or holding onto pain from the past,
Speaker 1: then I'm not able to stay present to my vision
Speaker 1: because I'm holding onto something else. Welcome to the One
Speaker 1: You Feed. Throughout time, great thinkers have recognized the importance
Speaker 1: of the thoughts we have. Quotes like garbage in, garbage out,
Speaker 1: or you are what you think ring true, and yet
Speaker 1: for many of us, our thoughts don't strengthen or empower us.
Speaker 1: We tend toward negativity, self pity, jealousy, or fear. We
Speaker 1: see what we don't have instead of what we do.
Speaker 1: We think things that hold us back and dampen our spirit.
Speaker 1: But it's not just about thinking. Our actions matter. It
Speaker 1: takes conscious, consistent, and creative effort to make a life
Speaker 1: worth living. This podcast is about how other people keep
Speaker 1: themselves moving in the right direction, how they feed their
Speaker 1: good Wolf m Thanks for joining us. Our guest on
Speaker 1: this episode is Lewis House, who we interviewed way back
Speaker 1: on episode thirty one of The One You Feed A
Speaker 1: long long time ago. Louis grew up as an athlete,
Speaker 1: and he was a two sport All American, played almost
Speaker 1: every sport in high school and then went on to
Speaker 1: play football professionally. He then transferred his competitive nature from
Speaker 1: sports to business, building his podcast, The School of Greatness
Speaker 1: into a global phenomenon. His new book is The Mask
Speaker 1: of Masculinity, How men can embrace vulnerability, create strong relationships,
Speaker 1: and live their fullest lives. And here's the interview with
Speaker 1: Louis House. Hi, Louis, Welcome to the show. Thanks so much.
Speaker 1: I appreciate it. Eric, happy to have you on a
Speaker 1: second time. Unfortunately we are doing this remote this time.
Speaker 1: The first time we were lucky enough to be it
Speaker 1: and in your studio in Los Angeles. But now I'm
Speaker 1: in Columbus and you're still in l A. And we
Speaker 1: are here to talk about your new book called The
Speaker 1: Masks of Masculinity. And we will jump into that in
Speaker 1: just a minute. But let's start like we always do
Speaker 1: with the parable. There's a grandfather who's talking with his grandson.
Speaker 1: He says, in life, we have two wolves inside of
Speaker 1: us that are always a battle. One is a good wolf,
Speaker 1: which represents things like kindness and bravery and love, and
Speaker 1: the other is a bad wolf, which represents things like
Speaker 1: greed and hatred and fear. And the grandson stops and
Speaker 1: he thinks about it. For a second. He looks up
Speaker 1: at his grandfather. He says, well, grandfather, which one wins?
Speaker 1: And the grandfather says the one you feed. So I'd
Speaker 1: like to start off by asking you what that parable
Speaker 1: means to you. It means that we have for me
Speaker 1: that I have a decision to make every moment. And
Speaker 1: I could step into a decision of wearing a mask
Speaker 1: to protect myself, to project a certain identity that I
Speaker 1: want people to see myself being, or I can take
Speaker 1: off the mask and reveal myself for the true essence
Speaker 1: and love that I was born in. And every moment
Speaker 1: I get to decide which mask I want to wear
Speaker 1: or if I want to fully reveal myself. Yeah, that's great.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about the book The Masks of Masculinity, which
Speaker 1: is a great title. I just like saying it. Um.
Speaker 1: I was kind of surprised it hadn't been used before.
Speaker 1: But talk to me about the genesis of this book,
Speaker 1: because I think it's important. It's stemmed from deep pain
Speaker 1: and suffering and me feeding the bad wolf for my
Speaker 1: entire life. I fed the bad wolf in terms of
Speaker 1: needing to look good, needing to win at all costs,
Speaker 1: needing to be right at all costs, and needing to
Speaker 1: accomplish things to fill up my self worth. My self
Speaker 1: worth was based around accomplishments, making money, winning, being right,
Speaker 1: being smart, being funny. And I realized that I had
Speaker 1: a deep sense of darkness and sadness and loneliness within myself.
Speaker 1: The more and more I fed these masks and infused
Speaker 1: into my face, the more I achieved at the highest levels.
Speaker 1: So it was so confusing because I was like, wearing
Speaker 1: these masks work, I'm getting results, I'm getting the girl,
Speaker 1: I'm making money, I'm achieving things in business and sports.
Speaker 1: It's working on the outside, but on the inside, the
Speaker 1: inner wolf, as you will, was suffering. It was constantly lonely, sad, angry, resentful,
Speaker 1: unforgiving of so many things. And I was reactive as
Speaker 1: opposed to graceful. In my life. It's reacting to certain things.
Speaker 1: And I was so triggered. I gave my power away
Speaker 1: so often to the bad wolf as opposed to embracing
Speaker 1: the good wolf inside of me. And four years ago
Speaker 1: I started opening up by being sexually abused as a kid,
Speaker 1: and I didn't tell anyone for twenty five years. I
Speaker 1: opened up about the sadness I felt from feeling and
Speaker 1: secure my entire childhood. My brother went to prison for
Speaker 1: four and a half years. My parents were always fighting
Speaker 1: um they were divorced when I was younger, and I
Speaker 1: was always in the special needs classes, and so I
Speaker 1: always felt like I was insignificant, and in order to
Speaker 1: find significance, I needed to be a great athlete. That's
Speaker 1: what I attached myself to. I needed to achieve things
Speaker 1: so people would like me and accept me. So I
Speaker 1: did things to fit in and again, all these things worked.
Speaker 1: I got friends, I got the girl, I made money,
Speaker 1: but I was still suffering and I had anxiety and
Speaker 1: stress inside and I didn't know why. I couldn't figure
Speaker 1: it out. When I started to release and share these things.
Speaker 1: When I started to share, I started to heal. And
Speaker 1: I was so afraid to let people see me for
Speaker 1: who I am or the things I've been through. But
Speaker 1: I didn't want to tell them because I was so
Speaker 1: ashamed and embarrassing and guilty. But when I started to
Speaker 1: share them, the most beautiful thing happened. Other men and
Speaker 1: women said, Wow, I've been judging this whole time, and
Speaker 1: now I trust you, Now I see you. I'll follow
Speaker 1: you anywhere. When I talked about being sexual abused, men
Speaker 1: were like, you're my hero, Like you give me the
Speaker 1: courage to open up. You know. Men would say that
Speaker 1: they hadn't told their wives and they've been married for
Speaker 1: twenty five years about what had happened to them because
Speaker 1: they felt like they had to have it always together.
Speaker 1: So the freedom that I got from just sharing, expressing, healing,
Speaker 1: letting go of stuff that had power over me was profound,
Speaker 1: and I realized, Wow, this is that kind of inner
Speaker 1: peace I've always been looking for, that sense of like
Speaker 1: the way of the world isn't on my shoulders anymore
Speaker 1: needed to be to look good all the time and
Speaker 1: feel like I have to be perfect all the time.
Speaker 1: It started to just go away. And the more I shared,
Speaker 1: the more I healed, the more I talked about it,
Speaker 1: the less my lip quivered or I was heart palpitations
Speaker 1: because I wasn't worried anymore what people thought about certain things.
Speaker 1: And I realized, this is probably the most impactful thing
Speaker 1: I've ever done in my life. And the stories I
Speaker 1: was hearing from other men as I started opening up
Speaker 1: about things in my podcast, I was like, Wow, this
Speaker 1: is like way bigger than online marketing or business or
Speaker 1: you know whatever, podcasting or any of these other topics.
Speaker 1: I was like, this is actually what's healing me and
Speaker 1: healing other men. And it blows my mind that, you know,
Speaker 1: Charlottesville is happening, with the racial tension, with the political
Speaker 1: tension that's happening, the conflict, with the wars, the bombings,
Speaker 1: the Vegas shootings, with all the suicides that men commit,
Speaker 1: all these acts of anger, fighting, aggressiveness, I would say,
Speaker 1: if I looked at them, all recently come from men
Speaker 1: who are hurting inside, men who feel like they need
Speaker 1: to protect and defend their masculinity or their manhood, or
Speaker 1: needed to be right, or need to win. And it's
Speaker 1: all false sense of masculinity that we've been taught as
Speaker 1: men are boys growing up, whether it be through peers,
Speaker 1: in schooled coaches, through society, through movies, whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: is this false sense of masculine and through relationships. And
Speaker 1: I realized it's not working for our world and humanity
Speaker 1: anymore to live this way. And I wanted to go
Speaker 1: down the process of how I can continue to heal
Speaker 1: and make sense of all my entire life and realize
Speaker 1: that human being, and I still wear masks, and I'm
Speaker 1: still triggered and still feed the bad wolves sometimes, and
Speaker 1: I wanted to continue to dive in deeper of the
Speaker 1: psychology and the research behind why boys become men a
Speaker 1: certain way, and how we can start to remove these
Speaker 1: masks that have been holding us back and causing so
Speaker 1: much conflict in the world, and see if I could
Speaker 1: be a catalyst in some way, because there's not many big,
Speaker 1: white athlete, jock looking men who are talking about being
Speaker 1: raped and who are talking about sexual abuse and insecurities
Speaker 1: and fears and you know that they have challel just
Speaker 1: that they're going through. You know, there's not many of
Speaker 1: the people that look like me who are willing to
Speaker 1: lay it out there. I wasn't willing to do it
Speaker 1: until I finally did. And so I want to hopefully
Speaker 1: be somewhat of catalyst to just get a few men
Speaker 1: to open up and see what they can do in
Speaker 1: their life when they do. It's a great story and
Speaker 1: it's so true that as men, there are certain boxes
Speaker 1: were put into. We had a guest on the show,
Speaker 1: Rosalind Wiseman, who talks about the box that men are in.
Speaker 1: You know, you've you've got to behave a certain way.
Speaker 1: And and I love in the book you make this point.
Speaker 1: I want to make it too before we get too
Speaker 1: far down the road here, right, which is that we
Speaker 1: are talking about the challenges that men face in this
Speaker 1: case because you are a man and I am a man.
Speaker 1: It's not to say that the challenges of men are
Speaker 1: greater than women, you know, because a lot of people
Speaker 1: could be like, look, you're a white male, like you've
Speaker 1: got the whole world, and there is truth to that privilege.
Speaker 1: And there is truth also so at the same time
Speaker 1: to the fact that we do have an idea of
Speaker 1: this is a certain way we have to be. And
Speaker 1: it's interesting to me because as somebody who didn't have
Speaker 1: the athletic let's say, you know, I was, I was
Speaker 1: out classed athletically by about ninth grade, right, like, you know,
Speaker 1: it was fine till then and then, And as somebody
Speaker 1: is like that, you know, I have sort of I
Speaker 1: would say, in a lot of ways, I have been
Speaker 1: more open than the average man to acting differently than
Speaker 1: the masks that you talk about. And yet still I
Speaker 1: look at these masks that you talked about, and I go, yep,
Speaker 1: right there there it is, you know, pick your one.
Speaker 1: I'm you know, we may each use a different one
Speaker 1: at a different time, but it's still there. It's still
Speaker 1: and I think that to go a level deeper, it's
Speaker 1: probably if you wanted to go. If you want to
Speaker 1: go a level deeper than that, that's the human condition,
Speaker 1: which is too, I don't feel worthy in some way.
Speaker 1: So here is what I'm going to present to you
Speaker 1: so that I can feel worthy. And if you then
Speaker 1: think I'm worthy, then maybe I'm worthy. So this is
Speaker 1: a human condition. But but we're talking about it specifically
Speaker 1: in the male sense right now, because again, that's what
Speaker 1: you are, and that's the perspective you come from with
Speaker 1: the book exactly. Is there a mask that you represent
Speaker 1: with the most that you feel like, oh, yeah, I
Speaker 1: could see that's something I maybe wear more frequently than
Speaker 1: others or I have in the past or um. I
Speaker 1: think it's probably the know it all mask, or or
Speaker 1: perhaps the invincible mask, one of those two. You know.
Speaker 1: With my drug addiction and my heroin use, there was
Speaker 1: this like you know, I'll do anything kind of thing. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and then the know it all mask, you know, I
Speaker 1: just I I know everything. That's so much. And it's
Speaker 1: been amazing to me, is this podcast has gone on
Speaker 1: and I've realized more and more that like, my growth
Speaker 1: depends on me unknowing things. How can I set that aside?
Speaker 1: How can I set knowing aside and actually be in
Speaker 1: certain cases? And boy, that's a challenge. Yeah, And uh,
Speaker 1: it's it's hard to grow if you already know everything.
Speaker 1: It sure is. It's hard to grow and feel like
Speaker 1: you're growing and improving in life if you're like, I've
Speaker 1: already got it all figured out, and that person is
Speaker 1: hard to relate to and connect to. If you alreadys
Speaker 1: feel like you're inferior than someone else, you don't want
Speaker 1: to be around that person if they're gonna make you
Speaker 1: seem stupid all the time, Like, oh you don't know this, well,
Speaker 1: let me tell you because I've got these degrees and
Speaker 1: so yeah, it's funny because I have no degrees. I
Speaker 1: never went to college. But but I think I think
Speaker 1: that there is you know, if I but they're all there.
Speaker 1: You know, I've had the joker mask. Um, you know,
Speaker 1: there's the sexual mask, right, had that one, the material mask.
Speaker 1: You know, I think there's sort of an overriding mask
Speaker 1: which is a like I've got it all together mask, right,
Speaker 1: whichever these various things are more important at the time,
Speaker 1: but you know what I've got it under control is
Speaker 1: into the mask that might overlay or underlay all of those. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and that's you know, it's kind of like the stoic mask.
Speaker 1: The man that doesn't show emotion, that's like always strong,
Speaker 1: that's always the rock that's always got everything under control,
Speaker 1: and he's unable to express himself because he somewhere along
Speaker 1: the line someone said, no, you've got a tough enough.
Speaker 1: You can't cry, you know, stop crying. Or in a relationship,
Speaker 1: maybe they were going to express themselves something they're afraid of,
Speaker 1: and the woman and their partners said, I need you
Speaker 1: to be strong for me right now we're going through
Speaker 1: this mess. I need you strong for me. And he's thinking, well,
Speaker 1: you just told me you wanted me to open up,
Speaker 1: and now you're telling me you need me to be strong.
Speaker 1: I just want you to be happy. So I'm never
Speaker 1: going to express myself again, and I'm always gonna be
Speaker 1: put together. Right. It's just like this condition not to
Speaker 1: make men victims to like these things, but it's like
Speaker 1: we want to please people and we're human beings as well,
Speaker 1: and it's funny the one with that. It's interesting for
Speaker 1: me because I've never had a problem really admitting that
Speaker 1: I have emotions or that I cry. But it's one
Speaker 1: thing to say I have these things. I felt sad,
Speaker 1: I cried. It's a different thing to actually do it
Speaker 1: with someone else around. And that's the that's right, that's
Speaker 1: it's it's easy to acknowledge it for me, like yeah,
Speaker 1: but but the showing it is the much harder part.
Speaker 1: And it's funny. I so badly didn't want to raise
Speaker 1: my son that way, and yet I think to some
Speaker 1: extent it's you know, it's just it's part of it's
Speaker 1: so deeply baked in. He just went off to college.
Speaker 1: He's nineteen. Do you see him. He used to wear
Speaker 1: the athlete mask. I don't see it very much in him.
Speaker 1: But but there's apparent child relationship, so there may be
Speaker 1: things of his that I don't see. He probably has
Speaker 1: the I've got it under control thing, you know, he's
Speaker 1: got that, like he doesn't want to trouble anybody with
Speaker 1: what's going on with him. He's got it. It's okay,
Speaker 1: you know, Yeah, yeah, I remember when I was when
Speaker 1: I was eighteen. I had to know it all. I
Speaker 1: thought I knew everything, and yet I do nothing, you know.
Speaker 1: But so it's interesting to me because you said four
Speaker 1: years ago you started sharing about what had happened to
Speaker 1: you sexually, and you started to peek through or peel
Speaker 1: these masks off a little bit, and yet you described
Speaker 1: a time that wasn't that long ago, after your book
Speaker 1: came out, you were on a book tour where you
Speaker 1: were still suffering. So this is a definitely uh, it's
Speaker 1: not my favorite word, but a journey, right, Yeah. I
Speaker 1: mean I started on the process of like healing from
Speaker 1: and sharing about the sexual abuse, but yet I was
Speaker 1: still needed to accomplish to feel worthy. I still needed
Speaker 1: to like hit these marks and accomplished, and I felt
Speaker 1: like I needed to, you know, I was single at
Speaker 1: the time, and I felt like, what's the point of
Speaker 1: all this if I'm like doing things to feel like
Speaker 1: I'm a real man, like I'm a worthy man, like
Speaker 1: you know, by just dating more girls or making more
Speaker 1: money or hitting like lists and all these things. And
Speaker 1: I was just like, I'm doing these things to like
Speaker 1: prove people wrong. Still, maybe I was healing with the
Speaker 1: sexual abuse and I was starting to let go and surrender,
Speaker 1: but I was still doing things to like prove people
Speaker 1: wrong and to fit in and make myself look better.
Speaker 1: And I realized, okay, I'm still not embodying the ultimate man,
Speaker 1: which is to live of service and to lift others up.
Speaker 1: I still wanted to look good and win as opposed
Speaker 1: to create a win win in all experiences. And I
Speaker 1: realized my mission in life was just a little bit off. Like, yes,
Speaker 1: I was a fun person, loving giving. Yes, I wanted
Speaker 1: to like make meaningful stuff, but I was so attached
Speaker 1: to the results of what I wanted to create that
Speaker 1: and it happened, and I was like, huh, well, I
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna feel something now, you know. I
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna like feel fulfilled when I achieved
Speaker 1: these things. But it just made me reflect that, like, wow,
Speaker 1: this is what it is to like make these things
Speaker 1: so that I impress people, that I look good, that
Speaker 1: I prove these kids wrong. That made me feel stupid
Speaker 1: when I was younger or whatever. And so then I decided,
Speaker 1: you know what, Okay, I'm going to shift my vision
Speaker 1: to doing things to lift other people up, to being
Speaker 1: an inspiration, to creating meaningful work that is a catalyst
Speaker 1: for people for good or something that's in service as
Speaker 1: opposed to and yes, what I like to hit the
Speaker 1: New York Times list and hit these marks and accomplish
Speaker 1: these things. Yes, but it's like I have so much
Speaker 1: more ease whether or not it happens because I'm so
Speaker 1: focused on the vision and it's like it doesn't affect
Speaker 1: me anymore. And maybe some people will say, well, like,
Speaker 1: you've already done it, Lewis, and you're already making money,
Speaker 1: so of course you're not as stressed. But I don't know.
Speaker 1: I'm just like my identity is not wrapped around it
Speaker 1: as much anymore, and I'm so excited to just have
Speaker 1: the conversation and make the impact, and I just believe
Speaker 1: that it's going to work out one way or another.
Speaker 1: I always think it's interesting because we're a bag of
Speaker 1: mixed motives to a certain point, Like, I bet there
Speaker 1: was a big part of you that was doing what
Speaker 1: you were doing because you cared about people and you
Speaker 1: wanted to lift them up and you wanted to help him, right,
Speaker 1: Like that's always a part of it, and yet there's
Speaker 1: that other part, and it's always kind of keeping the
Speaker 1: eye on at least for me, I have to go
Speaker 1: back to, like what is what is the underlying desire?
Speaker 1: You know when I look at the numbers of my
Speaker 1: podcast and every wee Lewis has thirty five million dollars,
Speaker 1: it's my god, you know, right, Like, Okay, I appreciate that.
Speaker 1: So I I go back to kind of what what
Speaker 1: I was doing. But I told you before the conversation,
Speaker 1: I went on this one week silent retreat and I
Speaker 1: had some pretty profound moments in there, and in some
Speaker 1: of them for the first time, all that other stuff
Speaker 1: really fell away temporarily, you know, it comes back, but
Speaker 1: I had a glimpse of what it would be like
Speaker 1: to be motivated not by the ego related things not
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden I was like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: Like I don't want to do that anymore. Right, I'm
Speaker 1: doing that. It's part of this thing that I do,
Speaker 1: and I'm no longer interested in it because of it
Speaker 1: was about how it made me look, and of it
Speaker 1: was because I thought it added value and it was
Speaker 1: good and and so it's just it's just this ongoing
Speaker 1: process of evaluating and being honest with ourselves, which is
Speaker 1: so hard, so hard, especially with Instagram and social media,
Speaker 1: and you know, the comparison game can crush us. You know,
Speaker 1: you might look up my numbers, but I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: look at Tim Ferris got two hundred million downloads, and
Speaker 1: I'm like, gosh, I'm like nothing compared to these results,
Speaker 1: you know. Or Joe Rogan gets twenty million downloads a month.
Speaker 1: It's like he in two months, he gets more than
Speaker 1: I've had him in five years. I can constantly compare,
Speaker 1: but I think we just get to be clear on
Speaker 1: our vision and the journey where we're at if we
Speaker 1: want to have at least some peace of mind. Otherwise
Speaker 1: we're constantly going to compare and constantly trying to one
Speaker 1: up others to fit in and to be accepted with
Speaker 1: these material masks that we're wearing. And it's definitely not easy.
Speaker 1: It's a journey. And I think the reason you do
Speaker 1: this podcast is so you can continue to learn and grow.
Speaker 1: The reason why I wrote this book was for me
Speaker 1: to like realize, Wow, I have probably the biggest mass
Speaker 1: of them all. And if I'm not talking about this
Speaker 1: every single day and meditating on this and being mindful
Speaker 1: of this and having people around me who are like
Speaker 1: quality people that give me feedback. Whenever my ego flares up,
Speaker 1: then I'm probably gonna go back to that place of
Speaker 1: still being a good person and like caring, but needing
Speaker 1: to be right and needing to win at all costs
Speaker 1: and needing to be the best no matter what. And
Speaker 1: when that doesn't happen, when I lose, it's like I'm
Speaker 1: the worst loser in the world because my identity has
Speaker 1: at stake. And when I'm wrong, it's like I'm the
Speaker 1: worst person in the world to be around because my
Speaker 1: identity was needing to be right. And when we strip
Speaker 1: ourselves of these egotistical desires to fit in and we
Speaker 1: allow ourselves to be who we truly are, we start
Speaker 1: attracting people who receive us for the giving heart we have,
Speaker 1: for the compassion we have, for the service we have
Speaker 1: in the world, And that's way more meaningful. So I
Speaker 1: think that gets to what I wanted to ask next,
Speaker 1: is when you take the masks off, right, what is
Speaker 1: it that's there? You know? Do you do you have
Speaker 1: a sense of underneath the mask? What what is there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's it's the real you. It's the person that
Speaker 1: you've always wanted to be, but you've never been able
Speaker 1: to because you've been trying to fit in. You were
Speaker 1: trying to fit in in school, in the locker room
Speaker 1: and the acquire the musical whatever it is. You've been
Speaker 1: trying to fit in with your peers to be accepted
Speaker 1: for the way that you think you need to be.
Speaker 1: And when we remove that and we become truly are,
Speaker 1: it's scary because we've never done it, or maybe we
Speaker 1: did it when we were kids. And you look back
Speaker 1: to the time when you're a kid and you had
Speaker 1: the most fun, You were the most joyful, the most expressive,
Speaker 1: and then we start to lose that sense of our
Speaker 1: child like self. The older we get to fit in
Speaker 1: and so we gain that sense of childlike energy again,
Speaker 1: which is the most youthful, fun, fun to be around,
Speaker 1: expressive self. Uh, And that's what's powerful. You mentioned being
Speaker 1: mindful of and being around people like, what are the
Speaker 1: things that you're doing in your life to try and
Speaker 1: make this process continue for you? I work on having
Speaker 1: those very uncomfortable conversations and relationships that I don't want
Speaker 1: to have because they suck and their hard and they're
Speaker 1: hurt and they're scary. So I work on cultivating that
Speaker 1: and and not having devices around when I'm having them
Speaker 1: so I can fully be present. I work on meditating
Speaker 1: every single day when I can. I'm not perfect, but
Speaker 1: I try to every day, and I and for fifteen minutes,
Speaker 1: I go to a place in my mind, connect to
Speaker 1: my heart, and think about anything that could upset me
Speaker 1: throughout the day in my relationships and business. Something online happens,
Speaker 1: I think about, like, Okay, if any of these things happen,
Speaker 1: how do I want to respond and show up in
Speaker 1: the world. Do I want to show up reacting like
Speaker 1: most of the people in the world, or do I
Speaker 1: want to show up with this graceful sense of humanity
Speaker 1: that responds with love and thoughtfulness towards my vision. Because
Speaker 1: every time I react to something in a negative way,
Speaker 1: I'm saying to that thing or person or experience that
Speaker 1: it has power over me. I'm actually saying I'm a
Speaker 1: weak human being because I don't have the ability to
Speaker 1: gracefully process this and stay committed to my vision. I'm
Speaker 1: giving that person power over me. I'm getting angry at
Speaker 1: that person. I'm holding resent that person. I'm frustrated with
Speaker 1: the person who cut me off in the car I'm
Speaker 1: not the ultimate human being that I could be, And
Speaker 1: so I think about during meditation that process, who do
Speaker 1: I want to be in the world, What example do
Speaker 1: I want to set? How do I want to be
Speaker 1: of service? And if I'm reactive or holding onto pain
Speaker 1: from the past, then I'm not able to stay present
Speaker 1: to my vision because I'm holding onto something else. So
Speaker 1: which of the masks do you find is hardest for
Speaker 1: you right now? Obviously it changes, but right now today
Speaker 1: to let go of, I would say the aggressive mask
Speaker 1: is a big one that has been hard in the
Speaker 1: past because I would would be easily triggered. Like again,
Speaker 1: I'm very loving and affectionate and kind and giving. But
Speaker 1: whenever I felt attacked, and it goes back to like
Speaker 1: feeling attacked as a kid all the time. Whenever I
Speaker 1: felt attacked in any way, online, in person, in a game,
Speaker 1: it's like I had to defend my manhood. I had
Speaker 1: to defend myself and attack back with aggressiveness, like assert
Speaker 1: my power over my attackers or whatever. And it's something
Speaker 1: that I continue to learn how to let go of.
Speaker 1: You know that I'm just my ego is so attacked
Speaker 1: that it's like I feel like I have to defend
Speaker 1: my ego. But when I breathe in those situations where
Speaker 1: I want to react, I realized, like, Okay, this isn't
Speaker 1: even about me. This is about like something else that happened.
Speaker 1: It's about them that are upset or they're judging or
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And why does it matter that I
Speaker 1: need to get defensive and angrier or aggressive in this moment.
Speaker 1: I've just been because I've conditioned to do it my
Speaker 1: whole life and I didn't know anything else. But now
Speaker 1: that I have the awareness around it, I breathe in
Speaker 1: those moments a lot better. It's still not easy. There's
Speaker 1: times where I still get frustrated and things like that,
Speaker 1: but I'm I just breathed, and I asked myself, And
Speaker 1: this is perfect. Because I had the situation that the
Speaker 1: airport actually last week where I missed my flight, I
Speaker 1: left my wall at at home. It was the first
Speaker 1: time I ever done this. I left my I D
Speaker 1: so I had to like rush through. I had to
Speaker 1: go through like a whole check process of like calling
Speaker 1: T S A. And they had to like strip me
Speaker 1: down pretty much naked, and like the whole process where
Speaker 1: normally I get there, you know, thirty minutes before I
Speaker 1: got T s A prea check. I have first class.
Speaker 1: It's like I'm in and out, like I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be fine, but since I wasn't there early enough,
Speaker 1: like I should be, um, this process took just a
Speaker 1: little too long, and the t s A was like,
Speaker 1: You're gonna be fine. This is just gonna take a
Speaker 1: few minutes. The gates right there, and I'm like, it's boarding.
Speaker 1: The doors are closing. Now, we gotta go, like do
Speaker 1: whatever you need. I'll get naked right now, like strip everything,
Speaker 1: let's go. And she was like, you're gonna be fine.
Speaker 1: I trust me, you're gonna make it. I was just like,
Speaker 1: I just feel like I'm not gonna make it. And
Speaker 1: I always make my flight. And sure enough, I'm sprinting
Speaker 1: to the gate and the gate of just close and
Speaker 1: and they're like, once it's closed, it's closed, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: are you serious? The plane is right there, I'm here,
Speaker 1: Here's what happened, trying to explain myself, like getting defensive,
Speaker 1: and they're like, there's nothing we can do. There's not
Speaker 1: a flight until tomorrow. And I'm like I wanted to
Speaker 1: punch the wall, kick a trash can scream at this
Speaker 1: customer support person. So I just had to sit there.
Speaker 1: I literally did not say anything for about ten minutes.
Speaker 1: I just like I was fuming, and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm like, in my mind, I'm piste off because I'm
Speaker 1: looking at the plane literally sitting on the runway that
Speaker 1: hasn't taken off or hasn't the gate it's still there.
Speaker 1: And I'm thinking to myself, isn't this fitting that I'm
Speaker 1: writing a book about masculine vulnerability and I'm going on
Speaker 1: a trip to go speak about this right now, and
Speaker 1: I have a perfect example for me to see how
Speaker 1: I'm going to show up in this moment. And so
Speaker 1: I literally just sat there frustrated. But I didn't say anything.
Speaker 1: I didn't punch anything. So I was like so proud
Speaker 1: of myself that I was like, Okay, I might be
Speaker 1: a little fuming right now, but at least I'm not
Speaker 1: saying something I'm gonna regret, or hurting someone in the process,
Speaker 1: or acting like a fool around all these people, or
Speaker 1: making a scene because I'm upset. Oh no, boo hoo. Instead,
Speaker 1: I just said, Okay, I'm gonna breathe and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be calm and I'm gonna walk out of this airport calmly.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna scream anyone. I'm gonna walk out of
Speaker 1: here and calmly go outside and figure out the next
Speaker 1: solution because there's nothing I can do in this moment.
Speaker 1: And if I scream and get angry, then I'm saying
Speaker 1: I'm a weak man because I'm giving this moment power
Speaker 1: over me that I don't have the power to gracefully
Speaker 1: experience life and to gracefully figure out a solution and
Speaker 1: diffuse the challenge. And I think the ultimate alpha man
Speaker 1: is not the one who can like get angry and
Speaker 1: defensive and beat up anyone, and the strengths are like
Speaker 1: defend himself at any moment. It's like the ultimate like
Speaker 1: alpha gorilla. The silver back is really like the one
Speaker 1: who doesn't have to beat his chest constantly, but the
Speaker 1: one who's just kind of like kind of chill and
Speaker 1: like kind is aware of the whole surroundings in his jungle,
Speaker 1: and when there's like two apes fighting, he just kind
Speaker 1: of like walks up and just like has an energy
Speaker 1: about him where they just like, oh, we don't need
Speaker 1: to do this, or he just like gracefully puts a
Speaker 1: hand and like moves him to the side. He doesn't
Speaker 1: need to like scream all the time and yell at
Speaker 1: people and like beat people up. He's just like, we
Speaker 1: don't need to do this. Let's separate this energy from
Speaker 1: our space. Let's come back to our vision of a
Speaker 1: family unit. And it's just like it's beautiful to watch
Speaker 1: like this massive gorilla with silverback that doesn't need to
Speaker 1: scream or lie out or fight. He's just so confident
Speaker 1: with his himself and he's able to gracefully diffuse any situation.
Speaker 1: And I realized, like, that's who I want to be,
Speaker 1: the man who can diffuse any situation with my social skills,
Speaker 1: with my you know, energy, with my presence, with my thoughtfulness,
Speaker 1: with my compassion. And that's the way that I want
Speaker 1: to live my life. It's interesting to hear you say that,
Speaker 1: Does it feel like you're putting another ex actation on
Speaker 1: yourself to be a certain way? I think that's just
Speaker 1: the vision I wanna to live with, you know, I
Speaker 1: want to I want to be able to be a graceful,
Speaker 1: loving man, not aggressive, assertive, fearful, angry man, because those
Speaker 1: moments don't support my vision, and they usually leave me
Speaker 1: feeling frustrated for hours, if not days, and holding onto
Speaker 1: resentment and this residual pain. And if I give my
Speaker 1: power away to those moments that make me feel like
Speaker 1: stressed out in my heart for the next three days,
Speaker 1: how does that support me living of purposeful life and
Speaker 1: my vision? It takes me away from impacting people, from
Speaker 1: building my business, from having healthy relationships, from working on
Speaker 1: my health. You know, it makes this like it creates
Speaker 1: disease in my heart, not peace because I'm in pain
Speaker 1: and palpitating all the time. That's not good from my
Speaker 1: body and my health, and it affects every other area
Speaker 1: of my life. Oh am I ever going to be
Speaker 1: that peaceful? Probably not, But I think that's the vision
Speaker 1: every single day when I meditate and when those moments
Speaker 1: come up to breathe and to ask myself a question,
Speaker 1: I have a decision to make. Am I going to
Speaker 1: feed the good wolf or the bad wolf in this moment?
Speaker 1: Because I can feed either one. Either one is gonna
Speaker 1: give me some type of result, but which one is
Speaker 1: going to have the biggest price that I have to
Speaker 1: pay afterwards? And and that's what I think the ultimate
Speaker 1: man and human being gets to do is be conscious
Speaker 1: of their environment, conscious of and aware of their decisions,
Speaker 1: and understand that they have prices and consequences for wearing
Speaker 1: these masks. That would be the perfect place to wrap
Speaker 1: this episode up, because you brought it all back together.
Speaker 1: But we're not going to wrap it up just quite yet,
Speaker 1: because because I just want to spend a minute and
Speaker 1: have you walked through what each of the masks are,
Speaker 1: just for the listen there, so they have a brief
Speaker 1: sense of kind of what they are, and and then
Speaker 1: we'll we'll wrap up after that. Sure, I will, just
Speaker 1: I'll read them the mask. The first one is the
Speaker 1: stoic mask, because every man must be invulnerable and tough
Speaker 1: emotions are carefully managed and suppressed. There can be no crying,
Speaker 1: no pain, no feeling. That's the first part of the
Speaker 1: stoic mask. The athlete mask. One of the clearest ways
Speaker 1: a man can distinguish himself is on the field, around
Speaker 1: the court. He has like a modern day gladiator whose
Speaker 1: weapon isn't death, but domination. Sports are how men prove themselves,
Speaker 1: and a good athlete is a good man. That's the
Speaker 1: first part of that. I'm gonna pause you on that one,
Speaker 1: because there was another interesting part of that which you
Speaker 1: talked about how a lot of men go from that
Speaker 1: when their athletic career is over to being completely obsessed
Speaker 1: with sports, because it's a variation on that. Absolutely. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like if you can't play them anymore, they need
Speaker 1: to be obsessed to like show that you're masculine, you
Speaker 1: know a lot about and you know a lot about them.
Speaker 1: You're you're smarter than the next guy about that, you're
Speaker 1: the best that like the at playing fantasy sports, you
Speaker 1: know all the stats. You're like, you're the know it
Speaker 1: all and you're the athlete without actually competing. There's the
Speaker 1: material mask. There is no clear sign of a man's
Speaker 1: worth than the amount of money in his bank accounts.
Speaker 1: Not only do men work incredibly hard and sometimes do
Speaker 1: questionable things to make as much money as possible, it's
Speaker 1: all for not if other people don't know how much
Speaker 1: money he has. So that's a little bit of material mask.
Speaker 1: The sexual mask. A man is defined by his sexual conquests.
Speaker 1: His worth determined not only by his bank account, but
Speaker 1: by the number of women he's slept with. Relationships those
Speaker 1: are for lesser men, for quitters and settlers. So that's
Speaker 1: a little bit about the sexual mask. The aggressive mask.
Speaker 1: Men are aggressive. It's their nature, right, It's all men's
Speaker 1: nature to be aggressive. They're violent and tough and then
Speaker 1: never backed down. When they see something they want, they
Speaker 1: take it. Men hate, men have enemies. Of course, they
Speaker 1: have a temper. Of course they break things, and of
Speaker 1: course they get into fights. They're the hunters, not the gatherers.
Speaker 1: It's what men do, and a man who thinks otherwise
Speaker 1: is not a man, and it's responsible for the weakening
Speaker 1: of the world. The joker mask. A man has a
Speaker 1: sense of humor and wit that can repel even the
Speaker 1: most withering critique or the most nagging doubt talk about
Speaker 1: his problems, okay, Dr phil maybe later. Cynicism and sarcasm
Speaker 1: and a sense of superiority. Um, these are the intellectual
Speaker 1: weapons that a man uses to defend against every attempt
Speaker 1: to soften him or connect with him. So if you
Speaker 1: let it, if you want to let a man in,
Speaker 1: expect a knock knock joke, not an open door. Um.
Speaker 1: The invincible mask. A man does not feel fear. A
Speaker 1: man takes risks, whether that's betting his life savings on
Speaker 1: a company or cliff diving, or smoking and drink in
Speaker 1: incredible quantities. A man doesn't have time to think about consequences.
Speaker 1: He's too busy doing. That's a little bit about the
Speaker 1: immencible mask. It's two more than know at all masks.
Speaker 1: A man is not only physically dominant, but intellectually dominant too.
Speaker 1: If you don't understand why that is, a man is
Speaker 1: happy to explain it to you with all along with
Speaker 1: all the other subjects. He's an expert in UH. And
Speaker 1: the alpha mask is then the last mask. At the
Speaker 1: most basic level, men believe that there are only two
Speaker 1: types of men, alpha's and betas, which are winners and losers.
Speaker 1: No one can stand to be the ladder, so a
Speaker 1: man must dominate one up and win everything. A man
Speaker 1: can never defer. As a man, he must be in control,
Speaker 1: and he can't ever do anything a beta or a
Speaker 1: woman would do. So these are the masks that we've
Speaker 1: done a lot of the research on with the psychologists
Speaker 1: who do all the work with boys and men and
Speaker 1: UM it's not easy taking any of these off because
Speaker 1: they protect us, they make us feel comfortable and safe,
Speaker 1: and they allow us to fit in to our society.
Speaker 1: UM and that's why it's really challenging to take it off,
Speaker 1: especially if you've been wearing some of these mass your
Speaker 1: whole life, because they get you results. It works to
Speaker 1: do these things, but when it works in the external world,
Speaker 1: but we're suffering in the internal world, it's time to
Speaker 1: rethink about what some of these are and how they're
Speaker 1: hurting us. You could argue that it's not working in
Speaker 1: the external world very well, well, look at look at
Speaker 1: Las Vegas, look at the political conflict, look at Charlotte'esville,
Speaker 1: look at all these bombings around the world. The abuse
Speaker 1: stats it's stemming, I would I would bet to say
Speaker 1: is stemming from men who are hurt, men who are suffering.
Speaker 1: You know, all these things we just talked about, it's
Speaker 1: men who are leading the charge with Charlottesville with the
Speaker 1: torches and saying we're scared, we're hurt men inside, and
Speaker 1: we're afraid to reveal ourselves, so let's attack. You know,
Speaker 1: all this stuff in Las Vegas is probably the stoic
Speaker 1: man who's never expressed himself and it's not always felt misunderstood.
Speaker 1: And now it's time to get some of my energy out.
Speaker 1: And this is the way I know to do it.
Speaker 1: The guys who go who commit suicide stoic mask. They've
Speaker 1: been trying to be tight, hold it all together, strong
Speaker 1: for their family, their friends, their businesses, but they've never
Speaker 1: been able to fully express themselves, so they can't. They
Speaker 1: can't express themselves. It's a prison inside. So it's time
Speaker 1: to end it. Boom, I'm dead. This is how we've
Speaker 1: been condition to live our lives as men. There's not
Speaker 1: hotlines to express yourself as men. It's not acceptable generally
Speaker 1: to share like with women where they'll meet every other
Speaker 1: day and talk about their fears and insecurities together. They'll
Speaker 1: talk about the things they're going through in their relationships,
Speaker 1: the problems in their marriages, their stresses with their children,
Speaker 1: They'll talk about their insecurities with their weight, whatever it
Speaker 1: may be. They're not a to open up with their girlfriends,
Speaker 1: whereas guys men say they don't have a good guy
Speaker 1: friend they can just talk things through with. And so
Speaker 1: no wonder men are struggling inside. There's no one to
Speaker 1: talk to about it. There's no one to express it
Speaker 1: and open up about. And when you're in that place,
Speaker 1: you you start to suffer inside. And as I'm sure
Speaker 1: you're aware. Men do things like addiction, Men watch porn,
Speaker 1: masterbate constantly, men drink smoke to cope with their feelings inside.
Speaker 1: And I just think we need more opportunities to share.
Speaker 1: When we start to share, we can start to heal.
Speaker 1: And that's the first great step. Yeah, I think it's
Speaker 1: I don't think I forgot what I was gonna say.
Speaker 1: You're revealing yourself. You're not to know it all. It's
Speaker 1: a perfect Chris, edit this out. Um. I think I
Speaker 1: read in your book, and I've heard this before, like
Speaker 1: the suicide rate for men is like six times women. Crazy.
Speaker 1: It's crazy. Yeah, again, Why why is that? Is it
Speaker 1: because men are just conditioned to kill themselves more? I
Speaker 1: don't think so. I think when men don't have the
Speaker 1: emotional capacity to express themselves and they have the way
Speaker 1: to the world on their shoulder, and they feel like
Speaker 1: there's no way out, there's nowhere out. So this is
Speaker 1: the only thing I can do. Yep. That's the conditioning
Speaker 1: we've had as many and I think it's so important.
Speaker 1: I'll go back to what I said at the beginning
Speaker 1: that you say in the book multiple times, which is
Speaker 1: this is not a poor men thing. This is not
Speaker 1: a victim card thing. But if you work under the
Speaker 1: premise that unhealed pain causes pain somewhere else, you know,
Speaker 1: it always flows out. And and as we've talked about,
Speaker 1: you look around. This isn't just good for men. This
Speaker 1: is good for everybody if men learn to to to
Speaker 1: take these masks off humanity. Again, where does a lot
Speaker 1: of the pain and so coming through in the world,
Speaker 1: in our environment and politics and you know, relationships. A
Speaker 1: lot of the pains coming from hurt men that are
Speaker 1: causing anger, aggression, fighting, killing, wars, racial tension. A lot
Speaker 1: of it is from scared, angry men who have yet
Speaker 1: to heal. And I'm saying all of it, but I'm saying, yeah,
Speaker 1: most of it. Yeah, there's a lot of it there. Well, Louis,
Speaker 1: thanks so much for coming on again. Um, thanks for
Speaker 1: writing the book. As a man, I appreciate it. It's
Speaker 1: certainly good. You know, it's it's great conversation that we
Speaker 1: should all be having. So thank you. Appreciate it. Man,
Speaker 1: Thank you all right bye. If what you just heard
Speaker 1: was helpful to you, please consider making a donation to
Speaker 1: the One you Feed podcast. Head over to one you
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