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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her.

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Speaker 2: Space, there are ways that you can get your personality across,

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Speaker 2: get what your relationship goals are across so that you

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Speaker 2: can align with not everybody, it's not a volume business,

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Speaker 2: but if you're specific and you really have that authenticity

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Speaker 2: come through the person who sees your profile and is like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that's my girl. Like that is someone that I really

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Speaker 2: would connect with, I'm going to not just match with them,

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Speaker 2: but actually message them, take initiative and move offline and

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Speaker 2: into the real world.

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Speaker 1: Babe. Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to act. That's

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Speaker 1: our exclusive after show and other bonus content from the

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Speaker 1: Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you.

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Speaker 1: We're your hosts.

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Speaker 3: Doctor Dominique Broussard, a college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker in a

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Speaker 1: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please

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Speaker 1: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 1: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 1: black women can just.

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Speaker 3: Be Hey, lady, is doctor dom here from the Cultivating

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Speaker 3: her Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the

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Speaker 3: state of California in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well,

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Speaker 3: if so, please reach out to me at doctor Dominique

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Speaker 3: Brussard dot com. That's d R D O M I

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Speaker 3: N I q U E b R O U ssar

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Speaker 3: D dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation.

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Speaker 3: I look forward to hearing from.

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Speaker 1: You, lady. If you're single and ready to mingle, then

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Speaker 1: you are going to love. Today's guest celebrity dating coach,

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Speaker 1: Demona Hoffman has been coaching singles on how to find

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Speaker 1: love online and offline for over fifteen years. Her articles

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Speaker 1: appear regularly in The La Times and The Washington Post,

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Speaker 1: Plus she's a regular on air contributor to The Drew

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Speaker 1: Barrymore Show, NPR and NBC's Access Daily. Demona also star

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Speaker 1: in two A and E Networks TV shows Black Love

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Speaker 1: and a Question of Love. Her weekly podcast Dates and

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Speaker 1: Mates has been featured in Cosmopolitan, huff Post, Bustle, and

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Speaker 1: tops the charts and the relationships category on the major

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Speaker 1: podcast platforms. Demona is also the official dating coach for

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Speaker 1: Okay Cupid. Demona, welcome to cultivating her space.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. I was like, did I

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Speaker 2: do all that? Yeah? I guess I did. Yeah, thank you.

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Speaker 2: It's good to be here. And you know, my favorite

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Speaker 2: thing is helping people find love. So what what a

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Speaker 2: better time to be here to be with you too.

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Speaker 3: Yes, we are here for it. So our quote of

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Speaker 3: the day will sound really familiar to you, Tomoa, because

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Speaker 3: these are your words. Yes, you are in control of

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Speaker 3: your dating destiny. I'm going to say that one more

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Speaker 3: time for the people in the back, for the people

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Speaker 3: that have their head undoor pillow trying not to really

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Speaker 3: hear it. You are in control of your dating destiny, Demona.

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Speaker 3: When you hear your words, what comes up for you?

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Speaker 2: It makes me feel like, oh, especially women have so

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Speaker 2: much power, but anyone dating really needs to remember that

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Speaker 2: they have power over their choices who they choose to

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Speaker 2: spend their time with. Time is our most valuable resource.

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Speaker 2: It is non renewable, like one of very few completely

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Speaker 2: non renewable resources. So who you choose to show up for,

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Speaker 2: who you choose to give the gift of your precious

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Speaker 2: time to it really really matters. And I thank you

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Speaker 2: for pulling that quote. I was like, Oh, what quote

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Speaker 2: is she gonna get? But that quote really really does

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Speaker 2: speak to the core of the dating coaching that I offer,

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Speaker 2: because that's what I teach people how to do. I

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Speaker 2: teach people that they are in the power seat and

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Speaker 2: they're able to we're able to do to pull certain

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Speaker 2: level levers and to show up in a different way

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Speaker 2: to get a different outcome in their dating life.

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Speaker 1: That is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us,

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Speaker 1: because I think a lot of times, I know, for instance,

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Speaker 1: I have a friend who's like, I'm gonna wait until

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Speaker 1: my you know, person comes to find me, And it's like,

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Speaker 1: you don't want to put yourself in positions to be

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Speaker 1: found right or to go out and do something. She

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Speaker 1: just wants to come to her and like find her

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Speaker 1: at her door. So we're gonna dig into that in

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Speaker 1: a little bit because I see your facial expression, like, girl,

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Speaker 1: so can you first go ahead, do you I moan

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Speaker 1: to go ahead?

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Speaker 2: No? You read me perfectly there. I was like, girl,

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Speaker 2: come on, come on. It's a combination, right, it's a

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Speaker 2: combination of well, we're gonna get into it, but it's

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Speaker 2: a it's a bit of seeking and it's also a

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Speaker 2: bit of being found. And you have to always, I think,

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Speaker 2: be be nimble enough to be doing both because people

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Speaker 2: will say to me, oh, I hate online day, I

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Speaker 2: hate dating apps, but really I feel like dating apps

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Speaker 2: are just it's another tool. It's a tool to help

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Speaker 2: you in your dating life. So are you mad at

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Speaker 2: dating apps? Or are you mad at dating? Or are

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Speaker 2: you mad about the way that you've been dating? And

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Speaker 2: there's I feel like there's a fix for everything. So

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Speaker 2: I'm excited. I'm excited to get it too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're going to jump on it, don't. Can you

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Speaker 1: first start off by telling us your origin story, like

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Speaker 1: what was your journey to becoming Okay Cups official relationship

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Speaker 1: expert and just being who you are in this field today.

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Speaker 2: Well, I started out in the shoes of probably many

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Speaker 2: of your listeners who were single and like, what's up

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Speaker 2: with this dating scene? I Am not meeting the people

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Speaker 2: that I want to be meeting, and I was actually

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Speaker 2: working in casting and television at the time. I was

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Speaker 2: meeting a lot of really talented actors that just did

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Speaker 2: not know what to do to get noticed by someone

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Speaker 2: like me. They didn't know how to present themselves in

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Speaker 2: their headshots. And then they get in the room in

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Speaker 2: the audition room, and let me tell you, I saw

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Speaker 2: some things. I saw some very bad things, like people

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Speaker 2: would would ruin the job for themselves before they even

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Speaker 2: before they even open their mouth. And it really crystallized

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Speaker 2: for me when I was online dating at the time

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Speaker 2: that I was teaching a class for actors in auditioning

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Speaker 2: techniques and marketing, Like I was teaching marketing for actors

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Speaker 2: before anybody was talking about personal brand anything. That was

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Speaker 2: what I was doing, and I was I was looking

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Speaker 2: for love on a dating app and I ended up

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Speaker 2: meeting my husband online, and I realized that I was

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Speaker 2: doing the same thing that I was telling actors about

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Speaker 2: telling your story through your photos and really you know,

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Speaker 2: having clarity on the kind of people that you wanted

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Speaker 2: to meet. And so I ended up then giving my

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Speaker 2: secret of how I marketed and branded profiles to initially

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Speaker 2: friends and family, and then people start calling me, I'm

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Speaker 2: getting married, I'm having a baby, and I thought this,

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Speaker 2: there might be something to this. So that was over

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Speaker 2: fifteen years ago. And I started out originally as a

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Speaker 2: dating profile writer and found that I was getting people

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Speaker 2: on a lot of dates. But then wait, they were

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Speaker 2: getting to the dates and do it the same thing

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Speaker 2: that was keeping them saying in the first place. And

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Speaker 2: then I got certified as a life coach and then

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Speaker 2: specifically as a dating coach to help people. I really

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Speaker 2: focus on pre date to pre marriage.

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Speaker 3: Wow. Wow, Okay, we hear that story every day, right,

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Speaker 3: that that is a fascinating journey. I've heard of folks

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Speaker 3: who relationship experts, who become relationship experts because they have

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Speaker 3: a successful relationship, right, And that makes sense to me.

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Speaker 3: But I love what you shared about you started out

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Speaker 3: as in casting and that Martin made that connection between

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Speaker 3: marketing yourself for a job, for an acting gig and

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Speaker 3: marketing yourself for dating.

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Speaker 2: So now I have to learn everything's marketing.

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Speaker 3: Now I have to know what is the difference, because

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Speaker 3: when I hear marketing yourself for acting, and I think

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Speaker 3: of actors, I think of like pretending right and knowing

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Speaker 3: how to be something that you're not. What's the difference

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Speaker 3: between marketing yourself in acting versus marketing yourself in dating,

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Speaker 3: Because in dating, we want the real, like we want

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Speaker 3: your authentic self.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and that is actually the The other quote is

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Speaker 2: to love as you are. If you go to my website,

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Speaker 2: love as you are means bring your authentic self to

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Speaker 2: the table. So actually, what I was teaching actors was

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Speaker 2: not how do you step into a role and have

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Speaker 2: pictures that show that kind of role, but how do

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Speaker 2: you become more of yourself? How do you let that

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Speaker 2: authenticity come through in your photos and let that tell

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Speaker 2: your story for you? I mean, and if you look

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Speaker 2: at most most famous actors, they're not most famous actors

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Speaker 2: are not famous for playing a variety of roles, like

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Speaker 2: you know, Julia Roberts, She's pretty much Julia Roberts in

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Speaker 2: every movie, like j Loo is j Lo in every movie.

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Speaker 2: And so it's really more about like how do you

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Speaker 2: strip away those layers and get to the authentic? So,

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Speaker 2: I mean, I could talk about acting theory for days,

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Speaker 2: but I'm here to talk about dating theory. In dating,

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Speaker 2: it's really more about getting your true self across in

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Speaker 2: your photos because in our split second Instagram dating app Life,

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Speaker 2: we go through people's photos very quickly and we make

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Speaker 2: a split second decision is this someone I want to meet? Yes? No?

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Speaker 2: And so it's even more important than what I would

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Speaker 2: tell actors when I was when I was casting, because

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Speaker 2: I mean I would get stacks of five hundred headshots

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Speaker 2: a day sometimes, and you have to say, why do

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Speaker 2: I pick you out? What makes you special and unique

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Speaker 2: and different? And so that's the element that's really the same.

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Speaker 2: When we're talking about dating apps. People have this endless

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Speaker 2: the endless swipe, and we can dissect I have certain

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Speaker 2: feelings about I don't think it's actually an endless swipe,

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Speaker 2: but I think there are ways that you can get

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Speaker 2: your personality across, get what your relationship goals are across,

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Speaker 2: so that you can align with not everybody, it's not

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Speaker 2: a volume business, but if you're specific and you really

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Speaker 2: have that authenticity come through the person who sees your

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Speaker 2: profile and is like, oh, that's my girl, Like that

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Speaker 2: is someone that I really would connect with, I'm going

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Speaker 2: to not just match with them, but actually message them,

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Speaker 2: take initiative and move offline and into the real world.

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Speaker 1: I'm so intrigued you talked about creating these dating profiles.

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Speaker 1: Can you offer some best practices on the types of

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Speaker 1: photos that folks should share and upload and just some

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Speaker 1: information they should add in their profile to attract that

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Speaker 1: person that they connect with.

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Speaker 2: Yes, well, in general, I tell people to follow the

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Speaker 2: rule of the three seeds. The three seeds are color, context,

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Speaker 2: and character. Color. It's it's just biology. We are attracted

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Speaker 2: to the color red. Studies have shown that men are

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Speaker 2: actually even more attracted to red than any other color.

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Speaker 2: But we wanted just to have a bright color that

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Speaker 2: makes someone stop and pay attention. So red, we think

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Speaker 2: red stop signs. But also red in the animal kingdom,

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Speaker 2: red is a sign of arousal. So it's hardwired. And

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Speaker 2: I'm not saying like you have to have like head

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Speaker 2: to toe red red dress whatever. But you're wearing a

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Speaker 2: red lip, doctor terry, you're wearing doctor dom, you have

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Speaker 2: a red head wrap. And so it's these little pops

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Speaker 2: of color that create intrigue and make someone like, oh,

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Speaker 2: what's going on over there? What's going on with you?

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Speaker 2: The second sea is context. This is telling your story

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Speaker 2: through your photos. This is showing rather than telling. So

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Speaker 2: you know, you like to be outdoors. Show pictures of

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Speaker 2: you outdoors, if you are active, you like to play tennis,

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Speaker 2: have a cute picture in your tennis skirt, show and

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Speaker 2: I know everybody is like, but I want to I

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Speaker 2: said all that in my profile. I wrote all about that.

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Speaker 2: We don't read anything. We've been on Instagram too long,

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Speaker 2: so you have to get it across in your photos.

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Speaker 2: And then the third sea is character, and that's the

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Speaker 2: one most people forget. That is when you show that

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Speaker 2: side of you that a lot of people don't get

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Speaker 2: to see, maybe your sense of humor, maybe your your nerdiness,

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Speaker 2: something that would make someone say, oh, this isn't just

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Speaker 2: a pretty face, this is someone who I really would

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Speaker 2: connect with. And then when we get to the written

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Speaker 2: part of the bio, it's really about storytelling, but storytelling

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Speaker 2: in the most concise fashion possible. Most people, when I

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Speaker 2: look at their dating profile, I can pretty much strike

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Speaker 2: the first line of most people's dating profile because it's

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Speaker 2: all preamble. It's like, I can't believe I'm here. I

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Speaker 2: didn't think i'd be doing this. Here I am again.

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Speaker 2: I'm looking for someone's sweet kind that gets you into

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Speaker 2: the writing. So for anyone listening, go ahead and look

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Speaker 2: at your dating profile if you have one already, and

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Speaker 2: just say does that first line grab somebody's attention and

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Speaker 2: does it say something specific about me and about who

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Speaker 2: I am? You know, there's a lot of tricks I

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Speaker 2: can teach you from the okay, keep it side of

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Speaker 2: like which words do best in profiles? That okay, I

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Speaker 2: see fy your face. You want me to tell you

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Speaker 2: the four words are dog, travel, music, and food. And

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Speaker 2: I don't think that those four words there's something specific

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Speaker 2: about them that like you shouldn't use those words. Just

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Speaker 2: to your point, doctor Tom, like you don't want to

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Speaker 2: use those words if they're not authentic to you. But

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Speaker 2: if you have a connection, like people who are dog people,

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Speaker 2: they are they are write or die dog people and

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Speaker 2: so that they can really connect on that level. Music

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Speaker 2: that's another thing a lot of people really want to

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Speaker 2: connect on. So these are kind of first date topics

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Speaker 2: that give someone a reason to reach out and something

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Speaker 2: specific to say to you.

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Speaker 1: I love that. I love these tips.

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Speaker 3: So now the majority of our listeners are black women,

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Speaker 3: and we've been hearing for decades about about having the

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Speaker 3: media paint this bleak outlook on dating and marriage for

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Speaker 3: black women. Right, And so what is the most recent

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Speaker 3: data that you're seeing from Okaycupid, from coaching, from all

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Speaker 3: of the various outlets in which you have access, what's

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Speaker 3: the most recent data about black women and dating.

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Speaker 2: Look, I've read all of the studies, and interestingly, a

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Speaker 2: lot of the information doesn't always align. So I'm very

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Speaker 2: careful about promoting ideas and putting ideas in black women's

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Speaker 2: head that are not necessarily reality. I know, whatever stats

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Speaker 2: that you may have read, I'll just say them here.

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Speaker 2: You may have read black women send out the most

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Speaker 2: messages on dating apps and get the fewest responses. That

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Speaker 2: is not necessary. That's old data and that's not necessarily true.

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Speaker 2: But it got repeated and repeated and repeated. And then

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Speaker 2: I had a lot of black women that have come

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Speaker 2: to me over the years, even you know, especially after

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Speaker 2: I was a dating coach and host on this show

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Speaker 2: hashtag Black Love. So black women are saying this is

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Speaker 2: what I'm being told. So is this true? And consistently

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Speaker 2: in my practice, I have helped black women to beat

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Speaker 2: those odds. So either it's not true or there's something

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Speaker 2: in this approach that really shifts your chances of making

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Speaker 2: a match. And I can tell you from the Okaycupid

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Speaker 2: side that black women are finding success on dating apps.

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Speaker 2: Women identifying on as women identifying as black on okaycup

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Speaker 2: It have been getting more matches steadily on average over

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Speaker 2: the last year, and the averages are now higher than

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Speaker 2: any time in the past three years. So that is

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Speaker 2: the trend. But people like to repeat kind of the

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Speaker 2: old stats. You know, they'll say black women don't get married.

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Speaker 2: There's some stat that I don't know. I can't find

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Speaker 2: the real information. It just gets repeated. It says seventy

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Speaker 2: percent of black women are unmarried. There's no there's no

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Speaker 2: basis for this, for this statistic, and yet we hold

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Speaker 2: on to it and then like we got enough on

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Speaker 2: our plate thinking about right to also then be worried about, well,

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Speaker 2: just because I'm black, does that mean that I'm not

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Speaker 2: going to find love? I just I don't see that.

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Speaker 2: But I'll tell you this. The change in the way

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Speaker 2: that I approach dating and dating apps is that I

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Speaker 2: have women take initiative, and so overall a lot of

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Speaker 2: women originally come to me and they're like just sitting

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Speaker 2: around waiting to get chose. And so that's why the

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Speaker 2: quote you show the beginning is really important because I

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Speaker 2: teach people to be proactive about their dating life, and

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Speaker 2: we're seeing that on okaycup It too. Women are taking

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Speaker 2: more initiative. There's been a six hundred percent increase in

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Speaker 2: women saying they're looking for a feminist, and everyone's saying

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Speaker 2: looking for a feminist, but particularly women. So people want

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Speaker 2: strong women who are making choices, and just statistically speaking,

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Speaker 2: you amplify your chances when you are the one that

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Speaker 2: makes the first move. And this is a big flip

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Speaker 2: for a lot of ladies that come into my program

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Speaker 2: because they're waiting on messages to come in. But then

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Speaker 2: it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because if you don't

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Speaker 2: get the messages, you're not getting seen in the algorithm,

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Speaker 2: and you get further and further down the you're shown

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Speaker 2: less to other people, and then you get fewer and

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Speaker 2: fewer messages if you take initiative and you start messaging,

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Speaker 2: and most men do not get messages in their inbox,

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Speaker 2: and so if you land in their box, your chances

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Speaker 2: already are exponentially higher than if he was to shoot

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Speaker 2: a shot with you. So that's the first step, is

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Speaker 2: that we've got we've got to get more women sending messages.

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Speaker 2: Then the next thing is I also I encourage all

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Speaker 2: my clients to consider whether dating by their race is

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Speaker 2: important to them, because I think that's also something that

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Speaker 2: we carry as black women, a lot of responsibility to

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Speaker 2: be the keepers of culture, and that's a lot to

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Speaker 2: have on our shoulders. That's a lot, and you know,

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Speaker 2: we do see I do not have statistics that black

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Speaker 2: men do marry outside of black women at higher rates

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Speaker 2: than black women do. So you know, I got myself

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Speaker 2: a white man and you can have one to But

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Speaker 2: now I'm not saying that you have to. I'm just saying,

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Speaker 2: you know, really making it about connection and making about

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Speaker 2: who the person is and not judging someone by the

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Speaker 2: color of their skin. That will will increase your chances.

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Speaker 2: And I know the benefits of like wanting to have

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Speaker 2: a black man and a black family, but it's not

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Speaker 2: the only option.

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Speaker 3: So when I hear that, I know that I've had

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Speaker 3: conversations with some of my friends right and other black

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Speaker 3: women out there, and some of the women that I

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Speaker 3: see in my therapy practice who there are a lot

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Speaker 3: of thoughts around dating non black men, And so I

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Speaker 3: wonder for the women who want to specifically date black men, right,

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Speaker 3: they're like, hmm, maybe I've had experience and tried dating

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Speaker 3: non black men, but black men that's what I want.

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Speaker 3: What would you say to them in terms of because,

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Speaker 3: like you said, black men are dating outside of their

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Speaker 3: race at rates high than black women, and so what

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Speaker 3: would you say to the women who who have said,

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Speaker 3: you know, I've tried it, not my thing, I want

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Speaker 3: a black man.

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Speaker 2: What I would say is I also tried a lot

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Speaker 2: of different things and just because it didn't work out

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Speaker 2: one time, that was one particular person. So just as

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Speaker 2: you probably wouldn't want somebody to say, well, I work

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Speaker 2: with a black woman and I didn't like her, so

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't want to work with you, you might want

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Speaker 2: to just just open your thinking around that. But I

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Speaker 2: do know, like I have the status from OkCupid that

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Speaker 2: black women on oka Cupid say that that they place

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Speaker 2: high value on culture, ethnicity, and race. Fifty two percent

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Speaker 2: of black women on OkCupid said that that is a

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Speaker 2: crucial part of who they are, compared to thirty six

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Speaker 2: percent of men. So there are the receipts there as

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Speaker 2: well that confirm what you just said. What I would

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Speaker 2: say to those women is and look if this, if

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Speaker 2: you decide that that is the most important thing in

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Speaker 2: your search. I'm not going to say like, oh, you

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Speaker 2: have to date an Asian man, like that is just

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Speaker 2: something you have to do in my program. I'm not

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Speaker 2: going to say that. I'm just going to say, really,

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Speaker 2: get clear. This is the beginning of my coaching process

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Speaker 2: with everyone. Get clear on what your values are, what

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Speaker 2: your goals are, because those are the things that are

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Speaker 2: really going to guide you in your search. And you

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Speaker 2: might have to ask yourself it is this something that

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Speaker 2: actually is important to me? Or is this something that

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Speaker 2: society has told me? Is this something that my parents

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Speaker 2: have told me? And is this actually accurate for me

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Speaker 2: right now? And if you get to the point where

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Speaker 2: you say this is part of who I am and

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Speaker 2: this is deeply important to me and you have not

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Speaker 2: met your person, first, you should be on a dating app.

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Speaker 2: Obviously I prefer Okaycupid, but any dating app will do

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Speaker 2: to start that is going to expand your dating pool,

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Speaker 2: because your dating pool is only as good as the

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Speaker 2: people you have access to. Right and so if you're

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Speaker 2: in a place where maybe you live somewhere where is

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Speaker 2: in a large black community, or maybe you live somewhere

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Speaker 2: where there are a lot of married black men and

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Speaker 2: the pool of single black men is very small. So

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Speaker 2: you need to either go to where that pool is

400
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Speaker 2: or find other ways to expand your social circle. So

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Speaker 2: apps are a great way.

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Speaker 1: To do that.

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Speaker 2: And beyond that, on the apps, you might have to

404
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Speaker 2: play with some of these levers. And I talk to

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Speaker 2: women of all backgrounds about this because we get this idea.

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Speaker 2: You know, we tell ourselves these stories. We're addicted to

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Speaker 2: these rom coms and these love stories and these fairy tales,

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Speaker 2: and we're like, this is how supposed to be. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to meet him. He's going to be interested

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Speaker 2: in this and this. He's going to live within a

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Speaker 2: five mile radius of my house. And we set the

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Speaker 2: same parameter search parameters on our app, and then it

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Speaker 2: keeps giving us the same pool of people. So you

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Speaker 2: got to play with some of those levers. You might

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Speaker 2: want to expand your your location. I'm seeing that at

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Speaker 2: this point in the pandemic, whatever wave we're in, I

417
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Speaker 2: am saying that people are not necessarily so rooted in

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Speaker 2: where they have lived. And maybe if your job is

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Speaker 2: now remote and you've always said, oh I always wanted

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Speaker 2: to date someone you're in my city. But if you

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00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,240
Speaker 2: don't have to live in your city and you're not

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Speaker 2: close to family, and you could move for love, you

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Speaker 2: can play around. We're also seeing that black women are

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Speaker 2: leveraging distance preferences, changing distance preferences on Okaycupid, so thirty

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Speaker 2: percent have expanded their preferences to one hundred miles or more. Like,

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Speaker 2: think about how many more people will show up in

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Speaker 2: your pool if you turn that dial up, or if

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Speaker 2: you take off some other things that you thought were

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Speaker 2: deal breakers but maybe are actually just preferences.

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Speaker 1: Great protifts there. Thank you so much, Demona. I do

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Speaker 1: want to say so I met my husband right before

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Speaker 1: the dating scene, the online dating scene became what it

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Speaker 1: is today. But I want to know for the women

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Speaker 1: you mentioned something earlier about being proactive, and I know

435
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,680
Speaker 1: for some of us, you know, we're they're looking for

436
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 1: the traditional like the man, like my friend, the man

437
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,760
Speaker 1: is coming to find me. So for the woman that's

438
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,480
Speaker 1: out there and she's like, Okay, I'm going to message

439
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,600
Speaker 1: this guy like he looks interesting, we matched. What do

440
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,480
Speaker 1: you say in that first message? Like what are some

441
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 1: pro tips on what you say in the initial outreach,

442
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,119
Speaker 1: because you know, we don't want to be thirsty, but

443
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,920
Speaker 1: you want to come off, you know, a certain way.

444
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:20,600
Speaker 1: So what would that message look like?

445
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 2: You don't want to be thirsty, but you do want

446
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:28,399
Speaker 2: to get a drink, right, I mean right? You have

447
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:32,840
Speaker 2: to be funny enough because men send most of the

448
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,119
Speaker 2: messages and get so few messages. I'll be honest, it

449
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,760
Speaker 2: really doesn't matter that much what you say in the

450
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:43,320
Speaker 2: initial message. It really doesn't statistically speaking. But my formula

451
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 2: that I have my clients follow is a comment plus

452
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 2: a question. This is a comment on something that you

453
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,119
Speaker 2: read in their profile plus a question, something that is

454
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 2: open ended, not a yes no, like oh, I love

455
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:58,280
Speaker 2: your picture in New York City? What was your favorite

456
00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:02,920
Speaker 2: thing to do there? And then he's inspired. You're already

457
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,880
Speaker 2: connecting to something that he's interested in, something that he's done,

458
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,879
Speaker 2: something as a story about, and then you get him

459
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:14,040
Speaker 2: to elaborate. Then you can start swapping travel stories and

460
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 2: things unfold from there. But I find so many people

461
00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:20,800
Speaker 2: get paralyzed in the I don't know what to say first,

462
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,200
Speaker 2: so they don't say anything. Just don't say hey, that

463
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,360
Speaker 2: is my pet peeve, don't.

464
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:29,920
Speaker 1: Say hey, no hate got none of that.

465
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:36,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it will probably work. To be honest, i'd

466
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,800
Speaker 2: rather you say hey, then get so fearful that you're

467
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,400
Speaker 2: gonna get rejected that you don't say anything at all, Right,

468
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 2: and then when you're responding back, really try to think

469
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,280
Speaker 2: about ending on questions so you can keep the volley going.

470
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,960
Speaker 3: I like that. I like how that. I like that

471
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:57,960
Speaker 3: keeping the volley going. And so I know that, like

472
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 3: as you were answering that ques question, like more questions

473
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 3: that kept coming of, like what what our listeners want

474
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 3: to know about and what their experiences have been on

475
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:14,520
Speaker 3: dating apps. And so we're going to talk about some

476
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:19,360
Speaker 3: misconceptions in a little bit. But I have one misconception

477
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:22,919
Speaker 3: in particular, a specific one that I want to talk about.

478
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 3: So one common and maybe it's not a misconception, but

479
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:32,440
Speaker 3: one common experience that I've heard is that if you

480
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,879
Speaker 3: are on a dating app that that's free, that the

481
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:41,840
Speaker 3: men are less likely to be on there for marriage

482
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,240
Speaker 3: and more likely to be on there to.

483
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:47,800
Speaker 1: Fill their cookie jar.

484
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,720
Speaker 2: I've heard that, certainly I've actually said that in the past,

485
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,680
Speaker 2: but I would say that, Look, I've been doing this

486
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,560
Speaker 2: for a while, as you know, the scene is always changing,

487
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,800
Speaker 2: and that's what I love about this work, and that's

488
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,840
Speaker 2: why I've been doing my podcast Dates and Mates for

489
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 2: nine years. It's always different, and so I would say

490
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:11,760
Speaker 2: the situation now has really changed. Tinder just disrupted all

491
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:16,640
Speaker 2: of that because Tinder for better or Worse, which most

492
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,680
Speaker 2: people think of as a hookup app, Tinder. What Tinder

493
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:23,960
Speaker 2: did was it made it accessible to everyone, because it

494
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,720
Speaker 2: used to be like, oh, people would think, and okaycup,

495
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,680
Speaker 2: it has always been free, but people would think, oh,

496
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,520
Speaker 2: I to do online dating, I have to spend like

497
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,159
Speaker 2: twenty five bucks a month, So I'm not really like,

498
00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 2: I'm not that desperate then I'm going to go on

499
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 2: a dating app. But then a lot came Tinder and

500
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,440
Speaker 2: people could just pick a couple of pictures from their

501
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 2: Facebook profile, be online and minutes and start swiping and

502
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:51,320
Speaker 2: start talking and voila. So what it did was it

503
00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:55,400
Speaker 2: increased the speed of dating, which has its own challenges,

504
00:28:56,120 --> 00:29:00,800
Speaker 2: but it made it. It made it more accessible to everyone.

505
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,000
Speaker 2: So I don't think it's true any longer that if

506
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 2: it's free, it's it's not good for relationships because a

507
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:14,000
Speaker 2: lot of apps now Okaycuban included have given you tools

508
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:18,560
Speaker 2: that you can upgrade with that make the search easier

509
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 2: for you and can make it more specific, so like

510
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 2: on Okaycupid, and we've unbundled a lot of that so

511
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,960
Speaker 2: you can you can pay for incognito mode if you

512
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 2: don't want to see people to see that you're searching.

513
00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 2: You can pay to unlock certain stacks, and this is

514
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,320
Speaker 2: part of the redesign of Okaycupid, like a year and

515
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 2: a half ago, where kind of like Instagram Stories, like

516
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:39,720
Speaker 2: we have the stacks of the people at the top

517
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 2: that are recommended to you by the app, and so

518
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:48,040
Speaker 2: certain ones you can unlock and that makes your search easier.

519
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:52,160
Speaker 2: So it's it's not really apples to apples like it

520
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,240
Speaker 2: used to be, where it's like a free, free site

521
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 2: was for people who were trying to pick up and

522
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:01,000
Speaker 2: paid was for people who were serious. Now it's a

523
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:04,640
Speaker 2: lot more gray. But I do find that if you're

524
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 2: really serious about it, you can accelerate the process by

525
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:11,280
Speaker 2: upgrading some of those features.

526
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:15,239
Speaker 1: That makes perfect sense. And speaking of misconceptions, are there

527
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,200
Speaker 1: any other misconceptions about online dating that you just want

528
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:22,400
Speaker 1: to just debunk and address right now? Oh gosh, how

529
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: much time, do you know, pressure.

530
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:27,880
Speaker 2: It's not for nerds and weirdos in their mom's basement.

531
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:32,920
Speaker 2: That's what I thought when I started online dating. There

532
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 2: are good people there. And also I do want to

533
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:39,800
Speaker 2: debunk this. I think since the Tinder Swindler and this

534
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,959
Speaker 2: west ELM Caleb and everything, there's been this hesitation now

535
00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 2: around dating apps and people feeling like, oh, there's bad

536
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 2: actors there, and I don't want to meet anyone online

537
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 2: because it's scary. But I actually, I actually feel that

538
00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:00,480
Speaker 2: it's safer. Like ladies, let me tell you some stories

539
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,680
Speaker 2: from back in my single days. I was like, I'm

540
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,680
Speaker 2: going to write a book, a book called I could

541
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:09,120
Speaker 2: have been Dead of all the times And I told

542
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 2: my husband doesn't listen to the show, but all the

543
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:15,080
Speaker 2: times that I was out in these streets and meeting

544
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 2: men that I knew nothing about. I didn't know where

545
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 2: they were from, I didn't know their last name, I

546
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:21,360
Speaker 2: didn't know you know, and getting in a car with

547
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:25,880
Speaker 2: just random people. And now with dating apps, you actually

548
00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 2: you have their IP address. I mean, look at the

549
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 2: Tinder swindler, for example, like they were able to track

550
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 2: him because they had he had a digital footprint. So

551
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:40,480
Speaker 2: those considerations. I think our memories are really short and

552
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 2: we forget that that's how we used to date, and

553
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 2: that actually this in many ways is safer. And I

554
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:53,560
Speaker 2: really encourage if you run into anyone that is unsavory

555
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:56,600
Speaker 2: online that you do block and report, because the apps

556
00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,719
Speaker 2: really take safety and security very serious. But a lot

557
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:02,840
Speaker 2: of times, like people right into my show and they'll

558
00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,880
Speaker 2: say that I had this thing happen, and I'll say,

559
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:07,560
Speaker 2: did you report them? Did you block them? And they'd

560
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 2: say like, oh, no, I just didn't. I just I

561
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 2: didn't want to deal with it anymore. And that's not

562
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,400
Speaker 2: the right attitude because we have to. We're still figuring

563
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,800
Speaker 2: this all out and we want to create a safe space.

564
00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 2: But it's gotten really popular, and scammers do go where

565
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:26,640
Speaker 2: there's critical mass. So look, they're on Instagram, they're on Facebook,

566
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:30,720
Speaker 2: they're on TikTok, they're they're everywhere that we are. And

567
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:35,240
Speaker 2: thankfully for me as a lover of online dating, they

568
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 2: are coming to dating apps. But there are rules that

569
00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,640
Speaker 2: you can follow, and there are ways that you can

570
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,920
Speaker 2: keep yourself safe. And I still think that the pros

571
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,520
Speaker 2: far outweigh the cons of online dating.

572
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,960
Speaker 1: That's helpful to note so don't send any large sums

573
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker 1: of money. You're saying to someone that you meet them, yeah, okay.

574
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, you should definitely like ask them what their cash

575
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 2: app is and then just so actually crypto, just.

576
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:06,320
Speaker 1: Like yeah, yes, yes, let's do that.

577
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 2: Yes. No, but that is a really big red flag.

578
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 2: I mean, just a couple of the red flags, because

579
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:14,240
Speaker 2: everybody's been asking me, like since the Tinder swindler, if

580
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,080
Speaker 2: they try to move you off the app right away,

581
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 2: that's a red flag. Like if they want to move

582
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,520
Speaker 2: the communication immediately you haven't developed any rapport, they want

583
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 2: to meet right away, that's just a red flag in general,

584
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:28,320
Speaker 2: because like either that's a hookup or that's a scam,

585
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,920
Speaker 2: or that's nobody needs to meet you that quickly, and

586
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 2: then nobody needs to then take you out of the

587
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:37,400
Speaker 2: country that night. Okay, it was just happening too fast.

588
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 2: And this is why I always talk about slow love

589
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 2: on dates and mats, because you people reveal themselves to you,

590
00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:46,600
Speaker 2: but you have to invest the time in getting to

591
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:49,760
Speaker 2: know them, and then that's the biggest red flag. Yes,

592
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,800
Speaker 2: if somebody starts asking you for money, and usually it'll

593
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 2: happen very quickly, like with the tinder swindler. It was

594
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,920
Speaker 2: within a month, if you if you go back and

595
00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 2: listen to it, within a month. He started out, this

596
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 2: guy who's a billionaire, billionaire, he suddenly needs money from

597
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 2: you and you just met him a month ago. No,

598
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,320
Speaker 2: thank you, sir, m red flag.

599
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:11,120
Speaker 1: Yeah.

600
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:16,040
Speaker 3: The bleeding heart part of me, the empathic part of me,

601
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 3: really feels for people who do get swindled, because I

602
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:24,800
Speaker 3: think what it really is is that they are really

603
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 3: in search of love, right, and they are so in

604
00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:36,920
Speaker 3: need of that that they ignore all of the red flags, right.

605
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 3: And I think that it's easy for us on the

606
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:44,719
Speaker 3: outside to who are watching and observing, to say, how'd.

607
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 2: You miss that?

608
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:48,799
Speaker 3: Like that is red flag all covering your entire face?

609
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:49,719
Speaker 1: How did you miss that?

610
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 2: They don't miss it. But like you said, we want

611
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,840
Speaker 2: to believe, and I want to be clear, I'm not

612
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,879
Speaker 2: like victim shaming. I am pointing out what the flag

613
00:35:00,320 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 2: so that when it happens to you, you know, Deamona said,

614
00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:07,480
Speaker 2: this is a problem because we want to believe so

615
00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:10,320
Speaker 2: badly that we will see the red flags and we

616
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 2: will make up we will make up reasoning around them.

617
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:15,920
Speaker 2: And the other thing to understand is that some of

618
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:19,440
Speaker 2: these people like this, this guy from Tinder Swindler. He

619
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,920
Speaker 2: was a pro, He was an expert con man. He

620
00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 2: was doing this and the women that you saw in

621
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:29,400
Speaker 2: the documentary that wasn't that wasn't even it Like he

622
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,520
Speaker 2: was sending, cutting and pasting and sending these same messages

623
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 2: to hundreds of women to see who would take the

624
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 2: bait and to get them emotionally hooked. And so that's

625
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:44,960
Speaker 2: the thing to remember. It's the the emotional it's the

626
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,040
Speaker 2: emotional sabotage that's going on. So this is why I

627
00:35:48,239 --> 00:35:51,359
Speaker 2: give people these signs very clearly, so that you can

628
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:54,400
Speaker 2: go into it clear headed and know that most of

629
00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,880
Speaker 2: the people, not everyone you're gonna meet is going to

630
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,560
Speaker 2: knock your socks off and you're gonna be madly in

631
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:02,879
Speaker 2: love with them. Most of the people you meet, though,

632
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 2: are not going to be scammers. And we hear these

633
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:10,240
Speaker 2: stories because they are unusual, because they are outrageous, because

634
00:36:10,239 --> 00:36:13,400
Speaker 2: they're so larger than life. You know, you might meet

635
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:15,239
Speaker 2: people that are like, oh, well that was kind of

636
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,920
Speaker 2: a waste of that was a waste of a ten

637
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,840
Speaker 2: dollars martini. But I think we can. We live, and

638
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,319
Speaker 2: we learn and we can learn from these experiences, whether

639
00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:27,520
Speaker 2: their experiences we've walked through ourselves, or whether their experiences

640
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 2: that we've watched someone else to say, I'm going to

641
00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:31,880
Speaker 2: be on the lookout when something like that happens. And

642
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 2: by the way, again, it's not just happening on dating apps.

643
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:38,680
Speaker 2: It's happening in the dms, It's happening in real life too,

644
00:36:38,960 --> 00:36:42,800
Speaker 2: So I want everyone to just, you know, be cautious,

645
00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:48,400
Speaker 2: be aware, but also to be hopeful that that story

646
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 2: will not unfold for them as they are looking for

647
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:55,440
Speaker 2: the signs of who is really invested in getting to

648
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 2: know me and who's out here trying to hurt me.

649
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:00,640
Speaker 1: I'm glad you are out touched on that because it

650
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,840
Speaker 1: was pretty sophisticated. I did watch The Tender Swindle recently,

651
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:05,800
Speaker 1: and I was like, I can see how someone the

652
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,560
Speaker 1: way he built the store, like, I could see how

653
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: someone could get caught up, and my heart definitely goes

654
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 1: out to the victims. So I definitely feel you there.

655
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,200
Speaker 1: I do want to talk a little bit about the

656
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:18,080
Speaker 1: biggest dating trends for black women in twenty twenty two

657
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:21,319
Speaker 1: and the biggest dating trends in general in twenty twenty two.

658
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,400
Speaker 1: What do you sing? What do folks need to look

659
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 1: out for?

660
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:29,600
Speaker 2: Give us the tea, Demona, Well, I will tell you

661
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 2: that okay Cupid is calling this the year of Exploration

662
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,399
Speaker 2: in dating, and don't we need a little exploration after

663
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 2: the last two years that we had. So people are

664
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:47,759
Speaker 2: really exploring and expanding their parameters. We're seeing more more

665
00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:54,239
Speaker 2: flexibility and sexuality, and we're seeing also a shift in

666
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:59,600
Speaker 2: people identifying as bisexual. We're seeing more people identify as

667
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:06,080
Speaker 2: non binary. And it's interesting because these I just believe

668
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,240
Speaker 2: that dating apps are really a reflection of what's happening

669
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,239
Speaker 2: larger in the larger culture. So we see it, we

670
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 2: have the stats. That's what I love about working with

671
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 2: Okaycupid is that we have these stats from our matching

672
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:18,759
Speaker 2: questions where we know how people are thinking and how

673
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,719
Speaker 2: people are feeling, and how people are presenting themselves on

674
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,040
Speaker 2: dates and looking for love. And I think that that

675
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:30,239
Speaker 2: overall is a great trend to just see people be

676
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:36,200
Speaker 2: more open to different options. We're also seeing people, like

677
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:40,000
Speaker 2: I said earlier, expanding their parameters for dating, and more

678
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:45,480
Speaker 2: people dating long distance, and we are seeing people wanting

679
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:51,240
Speaker 2: more commitment long term. So I think that is maybe

680
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,719
Speaker 2: also a factor of the pandemic and people really taking

681
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:59,160
Speaker 2: stock of what's important to them and what they want

682
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,400
Speaker 2: in their life. They want to build their life. So

683
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:05,200
Speaker 2: when asked how long do you want your next relationship

684
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,319
Speaker 2: to last, half of oka cubid users said the rest

685
00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,800
Speaker 2: of my life. And that is that is a shift

686
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:14,880
Speaker 2: from from where we've seen before, so kind of to

687
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 2: your point earlier, Doctor Dom of you know, people thinking

688
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:23,000
Speaker 2: dating apps are maybe for hookups, that's not the case

689
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 2: any longer. People are really using dating apps as a

690
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:29,880
Speaker 2: way in this sort of fragmented world that we are

691
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:31,840
Speaker 2: living in to find connection.

692
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:35,440
Speaker 1: That's good to know and whow fifty percent that's like

693
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:39,319
Speaker 1: startling for sure, Like okay, yes, I'm like, oh.

694
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 2: Right, three percent. I did say one night, I'll just

695
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:43,839
Speaker 2: throw that out there.

696
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:48,719
Speaker 3: But okay, but that's clear minority, you know, that's the

697
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:50,440
Speaker 3: clear minority. I'm okay with that.

698
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,000
Speaker 2: There's someone out there for everyone and for whatever, for

699
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:56,200
Speaker 2: whatever you want. And that's what I think the big

700
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,880
Speaker 2: takeaway is for twenty twenty two when I look at

701
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,120
Speaker 2: the okay Cupid data.

702
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: Simona, this has been super fun. We appreciate you, and

703
00:40:05,600 --> 00:40:07,560
Speaker 1: before we close out, we want to shift up the

704
00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:10,839
Speaker 1: energy a bit, and so we're going to transition into

705
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:15,640
Speaker 1: another segment of this conversation. And because we recognize, appreciate,

706
00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:18,879
Speaker 1: and celebrate the multifaceted woman, and we believe that it's

707
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:22,799
Speaker 1: okay to be bougie, classy and ratchet. You can still

708
00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:25,560
Speaker 1: be elegant and dance to strip club music if you

709
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,880
Speaker 1: so choose. So we want to invite you to the

710
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:32,880
Speaker 1: oh you blatchet segment. So do you take on the challenge?

711
00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:36,280
Speaker 2: I do take the challenge?

712
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, yes, we got it. Okay, So now that

713
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:43,600
Speaker 1: you've agreed, we're gonna tell you what to expect. So, Demona,

714
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:47,680
Speaker 1: we have three questions for you. We have three sentence completions,

715
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,600
Speaker 1: and we have three photos of you pulled up on

716
00:40:51,719 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: the big screen which will share in a moment. Y'all

717
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,040
Speaker 1: should see Deamona's facial expression. And so what we're gonna

718
00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 1: have you do, Demona, is we're gonna have you choose

719
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: a number between one and three and will reveal that

720
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: picture on screen. And we want you to provide more

721
00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:06,279
Speaker 1: context about the picture. So tell us something we don't know,

722
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:09,120
Speaker 1: tell us something interesting and it'll be surprised for you.

723
00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 1: And the viewers. Oh my gosh, you're ready.

724
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,360
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm as ready as I'm going to be.

725
00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: Okay, it all right, it's gonna be fun.

726
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:22,080
Speaker 3: This is gonna be fun. So we're gonna start off

727
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 3: with classy, unless you take it tragic. Our first question

728
00:41:29,719 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 3: is what is the best piece of wisdom or advice

729
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 3: you've ever received?

730
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:41,239
Speaker 2: I love the Maya Angelo. When someone shows you who

731
00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:43,759
Speaker 2: they are the first time, believe them. That is.

732
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:46,120
Speaker 3: Yes, that's so applicable to dating.

733
00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:51,839
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, completely is. Otherwise they're gonna make them show

734
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,360
Speaker 2: it to you over and over and over again.

735
00:41:56,080 --> 00:42:00,000
Speaker 1: Classic right now, yes, very classy. Now we're gonna transition

736
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,919
Speaker 1: onto a different question, demonas I have four words for you. Okay,

737
00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:08,239
Speaker 1: to work or two step? What are you going to do?

738
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,280
Speaker 2: Step? Two step?

739
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:13,000
Speaker 1: Two step? That's cool? Still classic.

740
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:15,960
Speaker 2: To be honest, I don't really know how to t work.

741
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,000
Speaker 2: I just my my back doesn't it doesn't do that.

742
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 2: I just doesn't do that.

743
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:25,799
Speaker 3: It's okay, listen and do what good you know, doing

744
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:28,960
Speaker 3: good work in the chair and it looks like you're

745
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,360
Speaker 3: doing a moving all kinds of things because all we

746
00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:35,640
Speaker 3: see is yeah, all we see is from the shoulders up.

747
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 2: So we're you know, if someone can teach me how

748
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,600
Speaker 2: to work, I'm I'm here for it, but I just

749
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 2: don't have it in my body right now. You know,

750
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 2: it's actually told me. She's like, don't even try, Mom,

751
00:42:50,719 --> 00:42:54,040
Speaker 2: please stops?

752
00:42:56,200 --> 00:43:02,560
Speaker 3: Okay quick, yes, then will now, I'm sure she hasn't

753
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:06,600
Speaker 3: told you anything about this yet. What is the sexiest

754
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,399
Speaker 3: item you own?

755
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:14,200
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna tell you a real story, and now

756
00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:16,600
Speaker 2: we're going ratchet. I guess I didn't know this was

757
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:21,600
Speaker 2: ratchet because I have this bodysuit. This like it's a

758
00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:26,920
Speaker 2: fishnet bodysuit right, it's all one piece, and I love

759
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:31,239
Speaker 2: it because my husband thinks it's sexy. But it's super comfortable.

760
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:34,480
Speaker 2: It keeps me warm. I always get cold. I'm always

761
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:36,840
Speaker 2: cold in the bed, so it keeps me warm, and

762
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,880
Speaker 2: it's I could sleep in it. It's really comfortable. But

763
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:43,960
Speaker 2: it's like totally see through. Like literally, I'm talking toes

764
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,840
Speaker 2: all the way up. So my best friend got married

765
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:50,920
Speaker 2: and I gave her one at the wedding shower and

766
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:55,800
Speaker 2: all my friends were like a domona, like everybody was

767
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 2: bringing your lingerie. I didn't know that that is that

768
00:43:58,760 --> 00:43:59,760
Speaker 2: like super ratchet.

769
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:04,359
Speaker 1: It's sexy? Is it on pink?

770
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:06,439
Speaker 2: The version I have is black. But if it comes

771
00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:09,000
Speaker 2: in neon pink, I'm a pinkcleusiast and I will take it.

772
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,600
Speaker 2: I will admit there is one area that is not

773
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:16,919
Speaker 2: covered by the fish. Oh yeah, right, But I don't

774
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,719
Speaker 2: know if that's what made it wretchet. But I'm telling you,

775
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:22,600
Speaker 2: like twelve girls were all looking at me like, oh, Demona,

776
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:29,720
Speaker 2: I stand by it. Look comfortable, sexy, easy access, fishing,

777
00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:30,880
Speaker 2: easy access.

778
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:33,600
Speaker 1: There you go, that's sexy.

779
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:38,000
Speaker 2: Yeah. I don't want the uncomfortable, like you don't feel

780
00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:39,240
Speaker 2: sappy than the things.

781
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:47,000
Speaker 1: Yes, I love it for sharing it with this. So

782
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:49,880
Speaker 1: we're going to transition him on it to the sentence completion.

783
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,960
Speaker 1: So here is your first sentence completion. One question or

784
00:44:54,120 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 1: topic I wish people asked me about more often is food? Well?

785
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:03,040
Speaker 3: Next?

786
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:05,400
Speaker 2: Ay? Way, I just I love talking about food.

787
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,279
Speaker 1: Well, I mean eating food.

788
00:45:10,080 --> 00:45:11,560
Speaker 3: Food is important.

789
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:12,840
Speaker 2: It is a part of dating.

790
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:17,560
Speaker 3: And so, Demona, since you mentioned food, what do we

791
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:19,720
Speaker 3: need to know about food?

792
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:23,239
Speaker 2: You should not have dinner dates on your first date?

793
00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:26,399
Speaker 1: Oh okay, why not tell us more?

794
00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:30,600
Speaker 2: It's too long. It's an interview. You need to leave

795
00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:33,480
Speaker 2: the date feeling like it's ending in the middle. You

796
00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:36,040
Speaker 2: want to leave the energy at a high point, and

797
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:40,399
Speaker 2: that's really hard. If you're having dinner for the first date,

798
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:43,960
Speaker 2: it's that's like an hour and a half, two hours,

799
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:46,240
Speaker 2: and you're stuck there. You don't have an exit strategy.

800
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,439
Speaker 1: Yes, that is a good process. So go get a drink,

801
00:45:49,480 --> 00:45:51,800
Speaker 1: Go get that martini. See I would have said go

802
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:54,160
Speaker 1: to dinner. So I'm glad that you I'm glad that

803
00:45:54,239 --> 00:45:56,040
Speaker 1: you mentioned that to us. That's really helpful.

804
00:45:56,719 --> 00:45:58,560
Speaker 2: Second date is okay. And I know people out here

805
00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:02,040
Speaker 2: trying to get fed and believe I understand, like I

806
00:46:02,239 --> 00:46:06,239
Speaker 2: love food, but not on the first date. Make them

807
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 2: earn it.

808
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:10,359
Speaker 1: There you go, boom, all right, don't want our last

809
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:14,080
Speaker 1: sentence completion is what I love most about myself is

810
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 1: my hair.

811
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:22,520
Speaker 2: And I say this having as I'm sure many people

812
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:28,000
Speaker 2: listening have had love hate relationship with their hair. But

813
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 2: I've come to a place of loving it. And you know,

814
00:46:32,120 --> 00:46:38,799
Speaker 2: I wish I had this feeling before before too many

815
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:43,560
Speaker 2: you know, relaxers and products and you know all the things.

816
00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:46,239
Speaker 2: But I'm happy to say that I love my hair.

817
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,799
Speaker 1: Yes, we'd love it. Thank you for sharing with us. Yes,

818
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:54,040
Speaker 1: beautiful curls. Beautiful curls. All right, Tomana, Now, if you

819
00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 1: can choose a number between one and three. Dun dun dum,

820
00:46:57,560 --> 00:46:58,880
Speaker 1: here's the part you've been waiting for.

821
00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:01,640
Speaker 2: One.

822
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:05,160
Speaker 1: Okay, So we have a picture up on screen, and

823
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:08,440
Speaker 1: if you can give the listeners that are not viewing

824
00:47:08,520 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 1: this interview, give them context on what the photo is,

825
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 1: and then tell us something about the photo that we

826
00:47:12,719 --> 00:47:14,400
Speaker 1: wouldn't know just by looking at it. So I'm going

827
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,800
Speaker 1: to go ahead and share the screen with you, Demona,

828
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,400
Speaker 1: and I think you'll appreciate this picture.

829
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:24,279
Speaker 2: Oh okay, this is a picture of my wedding with

830
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:29,000
Speaker 2: my handsome white husband. He's looking down at me and

831
00:47:29,160 --> 00:47:31,759
Speaker 2: I'm looking at the camera and I have my hand

832
00:47:31,840 --> 00:47:36,239
Speaker 2: on his shoulder. And I loved my wedding day. We

833
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:39,000
Speaker 2: had such a great day, and I was like, I

834
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:42,359
Speaker 2: just want everybody to have the best time. I don't

835
00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:44,400
Speaker 2: want to be a bredzilla, I don't want to stress,

836
00:47:44,800 --> 00:47:49,080
Speaker 2: and I still have such fantastic memories. Actually, my fifteenth

837
00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:52,239
Speaker 2: anniversary is in April, so it's funny looking at this

838
00:47:52,320 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 2: picture and be like, oh my god, that's so old.

839
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:58,120
Speaker 2: But I'm glad that that's the first picture that came up.

840
00:47:58,680 --> 00:48:01,279
Speaker 1: Yes, this is the up and you saying demon do

841
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:02,240
Speaker 1: you look good girl?

842
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:07,520
Speaker 2: You are so welcome a skin regimen.

843
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:13,600
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, Samana, this was so great, This was so insightful.

844
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:16,000
Speaker 1: We just appreciate you for showing up and for doing

845
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:18,480
Speaker 1: the work that you do and for gathering the data

846
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:20,360
Speaker 1: for us and just giving us the pro tips.

847
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:24,239
Speaker 3: Right Tom, Yes, I know so many of our listeners

848
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:28,040
Speaker 3: will be definitely taking notes on all of these pro

849
00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:31,360
Speaker 3: tips because I what I appreciate is that you offered

850
00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:34,880
Speaker 3: pro tips that we haven't seen in other places.

851
00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:37,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I always aim to do. And thank

852
00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:41,480
Speaker 2: you for asking the tough questions and also pushing back

853
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:44,320
Speaker 2: on some of the points. I love having conversations like

854
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:48,320
Speaker 2: these where we really get into the nitty gritty because

855
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:51,359
Speaker 2: it's all it's complicated, right, You know this through your work.

856
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,640
Speaker 2: This is complicated, and we have to be having these conversations.

857
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 2: So I appreciate the work that you do and I

858
00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:57,680
Speaker 2: appreciate you having me here.

859
00:48:58,719 --> 00:49:02,560
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Yes, we appreciate you as well, lady,

860
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:04,080
Speaker 1: And we'd love for you to let our listeners know

861
00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:06,480
Speaker 1: where can they find you? Where can they support your work,

862
00:49:06,680 --> 00:49:07,840
Speaker 1: let them know where to go.

863
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:11,920
Speaker 2: Well, you should definitely go to Demona Hoffman dot com

864
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:15,359
Speaker 2: or my podcast page which is Dates and Maids dot com.

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00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:19,800
Speaker 2: So I do new episodes every Tuesday, and I also

866
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:21,600
Speaker 2: have a free gift there for anyone that's like, I

867
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:23,200
Speaker 2: don't know how to write my dating profile, I don't

868
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,160
Speaker 2: know where to begin. I have a free profile starter

869
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:27,839
Speaker 2: kit at Dates and Maaids dot com. And you can

870
00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:30,520
Speaker 2: also listen to Dates and Mates wherever you're listening to

871
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:34,920
Speaker 2: this podcast right now probably, and of course check out

872
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:38,560
Speaker 2: okaycube It. I literally just got an email today from

873
00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:41,840
Speaker 2: a former client and she was like, I heard that

874
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:44,080
Speaker 2: you were working with Okaycupid. So I ditched my other

875
00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 2: dating app and I went to okaycup It and I

876
00:49:47,200 --> 00:49:49,920
Speaker 2: just met someone and he was totally not who I

877
00:49:50,040 --> 00:49:52,719
Speaker 2: was expecting, but she was like, we decided we're going

878
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,680
Speaker 2: to be exclusive. I'm going to see where it goes.

879
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 2: And I love getting emails like that. So check out

880
00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:00,560
Speaker 2: Okaycupid if you haven't been on it lately. It's real different,

881
00:50:00,719 --> 00:50:04,040
Speaker 2: so make sure you download the app and it's free

882
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:04,920
Speaker 2: in the app store.

883
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:10,080
Speaker 1: Thank you, Demona, Hey lady, it's Terry here from the

884
00:50:10,120 --> 00:50:14,319
Speaker 1: Cultivating her Space podcast. I'm hosting a free podcasting masterclass

885
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Speaker 1: where I'm going to teach you how to create your

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Speaker 1: impactful podcast and how you can generate multiple streams of income.

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Speaker 1: You can visit podcast with Terry dot com to register

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Speaker 1: for free. I hope to see you there.

889
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Speaker 3: You thanks for joining us today. Please note that our

890
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:38,000
Speaker 3: show may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment,

891
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Speaker 3: and mental health, but is by no means meant to

892
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Speaker 3: be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a

893
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:49,480
Speaker 3: trained mental health provider. If you are someone you know

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Speaker 3: is in need of mental health care, please visit a

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Speaker 3: Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your

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Speaker 3: insurance provider.

897
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Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

898
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Speaker 1: the conversation going, visit our website at cultivatinghirspace dot com

899
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Speaker 1: and be sure to click the Patreon tab to get

900
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Speaker 1: access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show.

901
00:51:15,640 --> 00:51:20,160
Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me, what's meant

902
00:51:20,239 --> 00:51:23,719
Speaker 1: for me? Will never miss me? I don't have to

903
00:51:23,840 --> 00:51:24,080
Speaker 1: chase