Speaker 1: We all just want to be loved and liked by people.
Speaker 1: We want to feel close to other people. We want
Speaker 1: to relate to others, and that's what relationships are, relating
Speaker 1: to one another. We just want to be accepted, and
Speaker 1: so when we feel part of us won't be we
Speaker 1: lock them up and we create this new version that
Speaker 1: we believe will be an easier version to like or
Speaker 1: to love. But you know the problem with that is
Speaker 1: you end up becoming a person that you're actually not.
Speaker 1: I'm Rady Wukah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
Speaker 1: I want to start this episode off with an affirmation.
Speaker 1: So put your hands on your heart right now unless
Speaker 1: you're driving, of course, and keep your hands exactly where
Speaker 1: they are, and just say this in your mind or
Speaker 1: out loud at the top of your voice. Say I
Speaker 1: am worthy, and I release the need to control what
Speaker 1: others think of me. Again with me, I am worthy,
Speaker 1: and I release the need to control what others think
Speaker 1: of me. Say one more time, like you mean it,
Speaker 1: I am worthy, and I release the need to control
Speaker 1: what others think of me.
Speaker 2: Take a deep breath in exhale.
Speaker 1: Now, I assume if you've clicked on this episode, do
Speaker 1: you struggle with caring about what others think a little
Speaker 1: too much?
Speaker 2: Just like I do?
Speaker 1: And honestly, it's something that I've struggled with for as
Speaker 1: long as I can remember, to be quite honest.
Speaker 2: But it's gone in ebbs and flows.
Speaker 1: There's times are I'm really like solid in how I
Speaker 1: feel about it and I'm not as bothered, and other
Speaker 1: times where I feel like I'm feeling the world's judgment
Speaker 1: of me, and I find it really difficult not to
Speaker 1: let it absorb into myself and let it affect everything
Speaker 1: that I do, everything that I say, from the moment
Speaker 1: that I walk out of the door. And you know what,
Speaker 1: it has been something that I've struggled with, like I said,
Speaker 1: my whole life pretty much. It's something that has defined me,
Speaker 1: made me do things I don't actually want to, created
Speaker 1: a persona that isn't really me, and made me feel
Speaker 1: like a stranger in my own body because I had
Speaker 1: moved so far away from who I actually was. And
Speaker 1: I heard Gaba Marte recently say this on a podcast,
Speaker 1: and Oh, by the way, I've been obsessed with him lately.
Speaker 1: I don't know whether you guys have heard his podcasts
Speaker 1: or heard him speak, but he is eighty years old
Speaker 1: and he has just really absorbed life and churned out
Speaker 1: so much wisdom from it, Like you know when you
Speaker 1: hear people speak and you feel like they've really been
Speaker 1: present in their life to be able to observe people,
Speaker 1: observe their own life and observe the lessons that they
Speaker 1: need to learn from it, and really reflected on life
Speaker 1: in that way. He definitely has that energy about him,
Speaker 1: and he said, the problem with worrying about what others
Speaker 1: think of you is that you're living in their.
Speaker 2: Mind and not yours. I can control my words.
Speaker 1: My actions, my thoughts, but I can't control how someone
Speaker 1: perceives my words, my actions, and my thoughts.
Speaker 2: That's not on me.
Speaker 1: If you keep living through the eyes of others, are
Speaker 1: you really living your life? And as soon as I
Speaker 1: heard that, I was like, oh, my goodness, I have
Speaker 1: lived in someone else's mind for so much of my life,
Speaker 1: not in my own life, and so it made me
Speaker 1: realize I actually had him in present in my life
Speaker 1: because I was living in the minds of others, thinking
Speaker 1: about what they might think about me, what they might
Speaker 1: be seeing me as, what they might be perceiving me as.
Speaker 1: And so really, you're not living your own life. You're
Speaker 1: constantly living your life from the perception of somebody else.
Speaker 1: And you know, I realized the more time I was
Speaker 1: spending trying to convince someone of who I was, the
Speaker 1: less time I was actually spending on becoming that person.
Speaker 2: And you know what, this is.
Speaker 1: So embarrassing, but I swear I still think about people
Speaker 1: from ten years ago and I think, oh, I really
Speaker 1: hope they still don't hate me for when for what
Speaker 1: I did to them back then, Or the boys I
Speaker 1: might have broken up with when I was like sixteen
Speaker 1: over MSN before we had even met, or the girls
Speaker 1: who were my best friends and then they weren't the
Speaker 1: people that I maybe wasn't so nice to when I
Speaker 1: wasn't going you know, when I wasn't having a good day.
Speaker 1: Just so many interactions that randomly pop to my mind,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, my god, could they still hate
Speaker 1: me like at this time? Could they still have this
Speaker 1: negative view of me? As I was ten years ago,
Speaker 1: fifteen years ago, whoever I was back then. And the
Speaker 1: fact is we all just change and grow so much
Speaker 1: every single second, so people see and experience all these
Speaker 1: different versions of you, even on a cellular level.
Speaker 2: You become a whole new person every seven years.
Speaker 1: If I think about who I was seven years ago
Speaker 1: or seventeen years ago, oh my goodness, I was all
Speaker 1: over the place, And always wonder do those people from
Speaker 1: back in the day see who I am now and
Speaker 1: think she cannot be this person now because of who
Speaker 1: they've experienced me as or who I was back then.
Speaker 1: And then I realized sometimes the experience of me to
Speaker 1: them was and they may have had a really good
Speaker 1: reason to dislike me. Then well maybe they didn't. But
Speaker 1: the only part of it I can control is how
Speaker 1: I changed for the better, change myself to become a
Speaker 1: better person after those experiences, and that I continue to
Speaker 1: do so daily. That is a choice that I make
Speaker 1: every single day to wake up and be better every
Speaker 1: single day. There's also this immediate feeling of judgment where
Speaker 1: sometimes you're at a party or you're around people and
Speaker 1: you're having a conversation with them, but you're thinking about
Speaker 1: their judgment in real time rather than being in the moment.
Speaker 1: I could be in front of someone thinking about whether
Speaker 1: they're looking at my creasetlines on my face when I'm laughing,
Speaker 1: or judging my outfit, or wondering whether they like my
Speaker 1: outfit or not. You can be so in your head
Speaker 1: that you end up just not being present in the
Speaker 1: conversation at all. It's like, I see your mouth moving,
Speaker 1: but all I hear is what's in my head, and
Speaker 1: it would honestly strip me from being in the moment
Speaker 1: or actually having a decent human connection, or actually having
Speaker 1: an interaction that was meaningful. And I actually used to
Speaker 1: get that a lot in big parties or events whenever
Speaker 1: I felt more self conscious. And I still have to
Speaker 1: really try to control that when I do go out
Speaker 1: to big events or when I meet people that I
Speaker 1: don't necessarily feel comfortable around. To really make sure that
Speaker 1: I'm present in that conversation, I have to stop thinking
Speaker 1: about how they might be perceiving me in that moment.
Speaker 1: And you know, in reality, it comes from a very
Speaker 1: primal place, even though in theory we know we do
Speaker 1: not want to be ruled or controlled by the opinions
Speaker 1: of other people. Telling yourself not to care is like
Speaker 1: telling yourself not to be hungry when your stomach is
Speaker 1: telling you it's hungry. We're all wired to want community
Speaker 1: and to connect with people, and someone not liking you
Speaker 1: in some way does threaten that. There's actually this study
Speaker 1: that showed that the same parts of your brain that
Speaker 1: are activated when you feel physical pain are also the
Speaker 1: same places that are activated when you feel socihort rejection. God,
Speaker 1: we all just want to be loved and liked by people.
Speaker 1: We want to feel close to other. People relate to others,
Speaker 1: and that's what relationships are, relating to one another, and
Speaker 1: connections come naturally from similarities. We just want to be accepted,
Speaker 1: and so when we feel part of us won't be
Speaker 1: we lock them up and we create this new version
Speaker 1: that we believe will be an easier version.
Speaker 2: To like or to love.
Speaker 1: But you know the problem with that is you end
Speaker 1: up becoming a person that you're actually not.
Speaker 2: You end up creating this.
Speaker 1: New version of yourself, which actually the more you create
Speaker 1: this new version, the further away you're getting from the
Speaker 1: real version of you. And the thing is people feel it.
Speaker 1: They feel the misalignment between you and who you really are.
Speaker 2: Like They may not know it's that, but.
Speaker 1: They definitely feel there's something off when they're around you.
Speaker 2: And even if people don't, you do.
Speaker 1: Every single word, every single action that you do against
Speaker 1: who you really are just takes you a step further
Speaker 1: away from the real version of you. And that's actually
Speaker 1: sad because you're turning your back on the person that
Speaker 1: you actually are. We actually live in this world where
Speaker 1: fitting in is encouraged more than creating a unique.
Speaker 2: Version of yourself.
Speaker 1: Instead of being encouraged to settle into who you are,
Speaker 1: whether it's your own body, your own mind, or your
Speaker 1: own thoughts, you're told to become a duplicate of the
Speaker 1: people around you, of the person that came before you,
Speaker 1: never really embracing the fact that we are all so
Speaker 1: unique and different and how magical and.
Speaker 2: Beautiful that really is.
Speaker 1: You can completely end up losing who you are just
Speaker 1: in the pursuit of fitting in. Whether it's wearing the
Speaker 1: same things, looking the same way, having the same body shape,
Speaker 1: the same thoughts, the same beliefs. It's like you'll get
Speaker 1: canceled just for being yourself. So we end up suppressing
Speaker 1: and hiding who we really are, or we just end
Speaker 1: up creating a facade of who we are or who
Speaker 1: we think we should be for people to like us,
Speaker 1: or love us or want to spend time with us.
Speaker 1: And the more time that we spend trying to be
Speaker 1: who others want us to be, the less time you
Speaker 1: end up spending trying to figure out who you really are.
Speaker 1: And the fact is, the more you figure out who
Speaker 1: you really are and start to appreciate it, the more
Speaker 1: in alignment you are, and the more people will feel
Speaker 1: connected to you you the deeper your connections can be,
Speaker 1: because if you don't know who you are, how can
Speaker 1: others truly get to know you. You can be friends
Speaker 1: with someone for years, or have so many friends but
Speaker 1: still feel so lonely because they're not friends with the
Speaker 1: real version of you. We end up spending more time
Speaker 1: trying to convince someone we're kind rather than actually doing
Speaker 1: things that make us kind humans, because we're so bothered
Speaker 1: and so focused and obsessed with how people perceive us,
Speaker 1: rather than actually being or becoming that.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 1: I actually heard this term called approve of addiction.
Speaker 2: It's a real thing. It's where someone is causing themselves
Speaker 2: excessive stress or changing their entire identity to fit in socially.
Speaker 2: So I'm going to share.
Speaker 1: Some signs with you to decipher whether the opinions of
Speaker 1: others impact you too much, or that you care too
Speaker 1: much about what others think. Really, these are based on
Speaker 1: reflections of my own life and being in that place
Speaker 1: far too often. So the first one is that you
Speaker 1: change yourself in response to criticism, regardless of what it
Speaker 1: is and who it comes from.
Speaker 2: Let me give an example of that.
Speaker 1: I get DMS after DMS after DMS telling me so
Speaker 1: many things that I need to change, judging me based
Speaker 1: on so many different things, and when I'm in weaker moments,
Speaker 1: I'll weed them and I'll be like, maybe I am this,
Speaker 1: maybe I should change this. Suddenly I'll go to Jay
Speaker 1: or go to some of my friends, and I'll be like,
Speaker 1: I think I have to change this, or my behavior
Speaker 1: will start changing. All the things I'll start posting will
Speaker 1: automatically shift and change because I've allowed that judgment into
Speaker 1: my consciousness to become my judgment of myself. So now
Speaker 1: I'm acting in accordance to that judgment. I'm changing the
Speaker 1: words that I use, the way that I'm acting such
Speaker 1: subtle things. But I realized I've actually absorbed it into me,
Speaker 1: and now I'm reacting and acting based on that judgment.
Speaker 1: The second one is you let other people make decisions
Speaker 1: for you. This was something I struggled with for a
Speaker 1: lot of my younger life before I moved to New
Speaker 1: York About what is it like seven years ago?
Speaker 2: I never made.
Speaker 1: A decision for myself, my sister, my mum, I was
Speaker 1: a youngest child, lived my life making decisions through them.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't pick a knife without them, I wouldn't do
Speaker 1: anything without them. They chose what career I should go into.
Speaker 1: You know, anything they'd say about me, it would become me, Oh,
Speaker 1: you're this type of person.
Speaker 2: I'd be like, yeah, I am this type of person.
Speaker 1: And so when you allow other people, you turn to
Speaker 1: other people to make decisions for you, there's definitely another
Speaker 1: sign you don't set or maintain boundaries. It's like, once
Speaker 1: you have a boundary, a boundary is there to be kept.
Speaker 1: But if it keeps shifting or keeps being pushed further
Speaker 1: and further away from what that original boundary was, it
Speaker 1: could be because you're allowing other people's opinions to shift
Speaker 1: or move those boundaries, even though they were really important
Speaker 1: to you at the beginning, you hold your tongue if
Speaker 1: your opinion differs from everyone else's. Have you ever been
Speaker 1: in that situation where you really fundamentally don't agree with
Speaker 1: what someone is saying, whether it's about another person or
Speaker 1: about a topic, but just in case or cause their
Speaker 1: mind to change about your, just in case it will
Speaker 1: cause some sort of conflict or rift between you.
Speaker 2: You end up keeping your mouth shut. Most of the time.
Speaker 1: You end up regretting it afterwards, but in the moment,
Speaker 1: just because you care about what they think about you,
Speaker 1: or you think your opinion is not worth more than theirs,
Speaker 1: you end up keeping your mouth shut. Your peace of
Speaker 1: mind relies on approval from others. Boy, have I been there,
Speaker 1: especially when I started online. Honestly, just even now, constantly thinking, oh,
Speaker 1: when other people like something, or when other people give
Speaker 1: me positive affirmations online.
Speaker 2: Sorry, that's the sound of my glass straw as I'm
Speaker 2: drinking it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Every time you're like, it's like your mind feels at ease,
Speaker 1: and every time you're not or someone says something about you,
Speaker 1: your whole your whole mind feels like it's in turmoil.
Speaker 1: You're constantly apologizing, even when you did nothing wrong that
Speaker 1: can be you know what I say sorry ray too much.
Speaker 1: And one thing I love my training gift says is
Speaker 1: all time, every time I would do something wrong, when
Speaker 1: I am you know, throwing a punch or get a
Speaker 1: combination wrong, he'll say, You're not sorry, You're amazing. You're
Speaker 1: not sorry, You're amazing.
Speaker 2: It's you know, when he says that, I'm like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm amazing. I'm not sorry.
Speaker 1: But on a deeper level, you end up saying sorry
Speaker 1: a lot because you just constantly want someone to think
Speaker 1: that you are passive. And just in case, I'm saying
Speaker 1: sorry because I want to make sure that you know
Speaker 1: whatever you say is more important. And lastly, you rarely
Speaker 1: say no, but then you resent it afterwards. So again
Speaker 1: I guess that's kind of like the boundaries thing, but
Speaker 1: essentially keep saying yes to things, but actually internally it's
Speaker 1: really annoying you or you're resenting saying yes afterwards. And
Speaker 1: I always say, it's never really a good thing you've
Speaker 1: done for another person if you're resenting it afterwards, like
Speaker 1: you're not really helping the person. You're not really doing
Speaker 1: good for that person. If actually you're resenting helping them
Speaker 1: after that's not real help. So I wanted to share
Speaker 1: these four questions that I started going through in my
Speaker 1: mind that I would ask myself whenever I would start
Speaker 1: spiraling and thinking about what others think about me and
Speaker 1: stay in that spiral.
Speaker 2: So the first one is why do I care? Why
Speaker 2: do you care?
Speaker 1: Why do you care? Think about something that you were
Speaker 1: overthinking about. Think about something where you're worried about their
Speaker 1: opinion for why did you care? Why do you care
Speaker 1: what that person thinks about you? And it's not like
Speaker 1: a blase why do you care? It's breaking it down.
Speaker 2: I care. Let's say it's your mom.
Speaker 1: I care what my mom thinks about me because when
Speaker 1: she says something like that, it makes me feel like this,
Speaker 1: And when I feel like this, it makes me think
Speaker 1: I am not a good person, I am not worthy.
Speaker 1: When she speaks to me like that, it reminds me
Speaker 1: of a time when she did this, this, and this whatever.
Speaker 1: It is really break down the root in your mind
Speaker 1: of how did you get to the point of worrying
Speaker 1: about what she's thinking about you or that person's thinking
Speaker 1: about you, and what does it then en up making
Speaker 1: you feel to cause you to keep thinking about it
Speaker 1: over and over again, and then that kind of leads
Speaker 1: on to why do I want them to like me?
Speaker 1: You know, there's a very valid reason I want my
Speaker 1: mum to like me, because I love her and I
Speaker 1: want her to respect me and love me and think
Speaker 1: what I'm.
Speaker 2: Doing is right.
Speaker 1: And then does their opinion of me trigger me because
Speaker 1: it's something I need to work on? That was a
Speaker 1: big one for me. And notice that I would get
Speaker 1: triggered most like of strangers DMS, I would get really upset,
Speaker 1: And first of all, i'd be like, I'm just upset
Speaker 1: because I don't want people, you.
Speaker 2: Know, people to think bad of me.
Speaker 1: And then I realized, oh, sometimes it's actually because it's
Speaker 1: a trigger and a reminder to me.
Speaker 2: Of the things that I actually need to work on.
Speaker 2: And so I actually feel.
Speaker 1: More defensive and more upset about it because I also
Speaker 1: deep down think that about myself. And there could be
Speaker 1: a difference between it being something that's true, or it
Speaker 1: could be something where it's pushing on your insecurities.
Speaker 2: And so actually it's not that it's true, it's that
Speaker 2: you have.
Speaker 1: To work on your self worth because it's pushing on
Speaker 1: your insecure authorities and making you feel worse about yourself.
Speaker 2: And the last one is are they someone whose opinion
Speaker 2: I value in that area of my life.
Speaker 1: The value of someone's opinion is directly correlated to the
Speaker 1: value of their relationship in your life, and so a
Speaker 1: throwaway comment from a stranger should not matter as much
Speaker 1: as a truthful input from a trusted friend or a
Speaker 1: loved one. And that's how you really filter judgment and
Speaker 1: help from other people.
Speaker 2: And that's something I've.
Speaker 1: Really had to filter literally in my DMS and in
Speaker 1: my inbox. It's like if someone tells me that they
Speaker 1: now dislike me because of something I've posted, or that
Speaker 1: they used to like me but now I'm posting things
Speaker 1: about I don't know pair brands and now they think
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to sell them something.
Speaker 2: It's like, okay, well that's how you feel like.
Speaker 1: I really am not going to I don't know how
Speaker 1: much I can spend my time trying to change that.
Speaker 1: By the way I used to try and change it,
Speaker 1: I would send them voice notes to be like explain
Speaker 1: to them why I took on that partnership or why
Speaker 1: I did this, or explaining myself of why I haven't
Speaker 1: posted about this, why I haven't done this, and it's
Speaker 1: just exhausting. Why not invest more time in the relationships
Speaker 1: and cultivate the relationships that do mean something to me
Speaker 1: and make sure those relationships are good rather than sending
Speaker 1: someone a random voice oot to a stranger that makes
Speaker 1: no difference in my life. And you know, I realized
Speaker 1: that nowadays, more people have the opportunity to have opinions
Speaker 1: about you because of how social media is. It's like
Speaker 1: back in the day, maybe the people in your village
Speaker 1: might have an opinion about you your family, but it
Speaker 1: was never to this scale. Now you have more judgment
Speaker 1: and more opinion on you than ever before because we're
Speaker 1: constantly showing people our lives and also more people are
Speaker 1: seeing our lives than they would have ever been able
Speaker 1: to before. And so we're kind of welcoming that judgment
Speaker 1: into our life as well, and welcoming those opinions by
Speaker 1: obviously sharing our.
Speaker 2: Life more and more online.
Speaker 1: It's literally like having someone in your DMS is like
Speaker 1: having someone knocking on your door and being like, I
Speaker 1: just want you to know I hate you, slams the
Speaker 1: door shut. Honestly, how are we taking that?
Speaker 2: Seriously? Do?
Speaker 1: Because I don't know why why do we do it.
Speaker 1: It's because we just want to be loved and liked.
Speaker 1: That's the essence of everything, And because we have to
Speaker 1: start to appreciate ourself more. The more you appreciate yourself
Speaker 1: and the more confident you are, the less the opinions
Speaker 1: of strangers or other people will shake you. The more
Speaker 1: insecure I feel, the more I care what others think,
Speaker 1: and that has been a regular pattern in my life.
Speaker 2: I feel insecure the words of other people. I almost
Speaker 2: see as like the more self worth you have, it
Speaker 2: acts as a shield. That shield will.
Speaker 1: Deflect off and reflect off all of that negative energy.
Speaker 1: The negative comments, the opinions of other people don't hit
Speaker 1: you as hard because you have this shield that's fighting
Speaker 1: them off. As soon as I become insecure and I
Speaker 1: start questioning myself slowly, it creates these holes in this
Speaker 1: shield that I'd created to allow those opinions in, to
Speaker 1: allow the thoughts of other people and how they perceive me.
Speaker 1: It start seeping into me and I start absorbing it
Speaker 1: because that shield has been broken. So unfortunately it's a
Speaker 1: you thing or it's an us thing. We have to
Speaker 1: work on that foundational acceptance of yourself and building those
Speaker 1: strong foundations means there's no cracks for others words or opinions.
Speaker 2: To enter and affect you. Or you may hear it,
Speaker 2: it just won't affect you as much or balance off.
Speaker 2: You'd be like, thank you so much for your opinion.
Speaker 1: You're not paying my bills, you're not somebody I love,
Speaker 1: And for that reason, your opinion means a balance of
Speaker 1: zero to me, Thank you very much. And you know,
Speaker 1: I would doubt myself and my character and who I
Speaker 1: was so easily because I actually had no clue who
Speaker 1: I was. And the first step to self worth and
Speaker 1: self acceptance is understanding yourself first, Because how are you
Speaker 1: going to accept yourself or notice your worth if you're
Speaker 1: not starting to learn about who you actually are and
Speaker 1: what you do have to offer in this Well, then,
Speaker 1: by the way, before you say I've got nothing to offer,
Speaker 1: every single person has so much to offer just by
Speaker 1: taking the time, like you were trying to date the
Speaker 1: guy that you're obsessed with, take that time to be
Speaker 1: obsessed with yourself for.
Speaker 2: A little bit. So let's talk about a few.
Speaker 1: Actions and practices that can start you on the path
Speaker 1: to caring less about what others think and caring more
Speaker 1: about what you think.
Speaker 2: First of all, like I said, is self awareness.
Speaker 1: Get to know you listen to what your body and
Speaker 1: you're in a voice are telling you that you should
Speaker 1: be doing. Start making choices and decisions for yourself. Follow
Speaker 1: through with your decisions. The more you listen to you,
Speaker 1: the louder your voice will get and others voices will
Speaker 1: get quieter.
Speaker 2: The lower your self esteem is, the more you'll care
Speaker 2: about what others think.
Speaker 1: And low esteem really boils down to just not knowing
Speaker 1: your worth or knowing the magic that you have in you.
Speaker 1: You have to see it, look for it to remember
Speaker 1: it's even there in those hard moments. So I actually
Speaker 1: don't like the term finding yourself because you're not lost.
Speaker 1: It's actually just returning back to yourself.
Speaker 2: You have to.
Speaker 1: Unlearn, excavate all those things to remember who you are
Speaker 1: before the world got its hands on you, before other
Speaker 1: people's opinions started changing who you are, before the view
Speaker 1: of or the perception of others start to affect the
Speaker 1: way that you acted.
Speaker 2: And so what does that take?
Speaker 1: It means spending more time with yourself, not trying to
Speaker 1: feel the moments of silence, writing, hearing your thoughts.
Speaker 2: What do you like what do you dislike? Can you
Speaker 2: answer those questions right now? What do you like? What
Speaker 2: do you dislike?
Speaker 1: What kind of things really upset you in a friendship?
Speaker 1: What opinions matter to you the most? What are the
Speaker 1: hardest things for you to hear about yourself? What are
Speaker 1: your non negotiables? What are the things that you value
Speaker 1: the most like? All of these questions are questions that
Speaker 1: will help you to understand you and then help you
Speaker 1: to almost build a good trunk for yourself where you
Speaker 1: can't be pushed around. When you think about a tree,
Speaker 1: the trunk is so solid that.
Speaker 2: No matter what element comes at at rain wind snow.
Speaker 1: Like not element but season, same thing, but no matter
Speaker 1: what comes at it, it still stands strong because their roots
Speaker 1: are so deep and their trunk is so strong. And
Speaker 1: so that's really what we're trying to build for ourselves,
Speaker 1: that no matter what the externals come to towards us,
Speaker 1: we still stay solid and.
Speaker 2: Who we are.
Speaker 1: And that leads me on to the second action or
Speaker 1: practice that you can do. Sit down and think about
Speaker 1: what your personal purpose and values are. You're deeper why
Speaker 1: when you have that thread or that trunk. As I
Speaker 1: spoke about it before. Even if others don't understand it,
Speaker 1: at least you see the connection.
Speaker 2: I've had to keep.
Speaker 1: Reminding myself of that, honestly, of my why all the time,
Speaker 1: because you know, like I said, I do get a
Speaker 1: lot of judgment in my life. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that for sympathy, because I also understand that it is
Speaker 1: part and parcel of choosing to be seen online, but
Speaker 1: for me not to constantly be eaten up by all
Speaker 1: these judgments and change who I am every five seconds,
Speaker 1: and it affects my self worth constantly because, by the way,
Speaker 1: it has for a really long time, I've had to
Speaker 1: constantly remind myself or what my thread is, what my
Speaker 1: value is, what my trunk is, because even if they
Speaker 1: don't see it or understand why I'm doing anything I'm doing,
Speaker 1: at least I do.
Speaker 2: At least I have this constant focus.
Speaker 1: I have these branches that are coming off that people
Speaker 1: may not see are linked to this trunk.
Speaker 2: But I do. I know it's linked.
Speaker 1: And I've had so many times where people have said
Speaker 1: something and it's really made me realize, I don't know
Speaker 1: why I did it, and I don't know why I
Speaker 1: ended up doing this thing and or why I didn't
Speaker 1: do it, and it became a point of reflection for
Speaker 1: me too that I need to constantly keep coming back
Speaker 1: to my core, my thread, that I need to know
Speaker 1: what that is, what is this route purpose that I
Speaker 1: am doing all of this for. So if someone else
Speaker 1: doesn't see it, at least I do. At least I
Speaker 1: have that constant point to come back to. The Next
Speaker 1: exercise I want you to do is write down three
Speaker 1: things that you really wouldn't let's slide to show yourself
Speaker 1: that there are things that you don't actually care about
Speaker 1: what others thing. So, for example, what I mean by
Speaker 1: that is when I did this exercise, I know that
Speaker 1: there are a few things when no matter what, I
Speaker 1: will not change my opinion about. So for example, if
Speaker 1: someone spoke about my family, it's a no go. There's
Speaker 1: not me buying my tongue. I'm not going to be polite,
Speaker 1: no matter who is. No matter what happens, I don't
Speaker 1: care what the person thinks of me or what their
Speaker 1: perception of me is. In that moment, I'm defending them
Speaker 1: till the better end. And you will not be saying
Speaker 1: anything about my family, especially my grandma. Or if someone
Speaker 1: pusses me for being vegan. That is a deep value
Speaker 1: that I have a strong whiy for. So if someone
Speaker 1: says something dumb about that, or someone says something rude,
Speaker 1: I will never hold back why because they are deep
Speaker 1: rooted values of mine. And so when I thought about
Speaker 1: it in that way, I was like, that showed me
Speaker 1: that I am capable of standing my ground and my beliefs,
Speaker 1: and I appreciate those part of me.
Speaker 2: So the mix of those two things.
Speaker 1: A strong belief and appreciating that belief would allow me
Speaker 1: to stand my ground more and care less about the
Speaker 1: thoughts of other people in those areas. So if I
Speaker 1: apply that same concept to everything else, then I'll really
Speaker 1: not be affected so much by what other people think
Speaker 1: about any area of my life. The next thing is
Speaker 1: practice perspective. When you're next worrying about what other people think,
Speaker 1: take yourself and go ask yourself those four questions we
Speaker 1: just spoke about before, though, Why do I care?
Speaker 2: Why do I want them to like me?
Speaker 1: Does their opinion of me trigger me because it's something
Speaker 1: I need to work on? And are they someone whose
Speaker 1: opinion I value in that area of my life?
Speaker 2: So go back through and ask yourself those four questions
Speaker 2: to really gain perspective.
Speaker 1: And also think about this, when you're gaining perspective, how
Speaker 1: much will what they think of me matter in a week,
Speaker 1: in a month, in a year, in a decade, at
Speaker 1: the end of time, when I'm sitting on my deathbed,
Speaker 1: is am I really going to be worried about what
Speaker 1: they think about me? That they unfollowed me because I
Speaker 1: posted something or didn't post something.
Speaker 2: No, I probably won't be. And that one really.
Speaker 1: Helps me to snap out of worrying about what others
Speaker 1: think of me. I'm like, in my dying moments, will
Speaker 1: their opinion of me really matter? It may right now,
Speaker 1: but will it then? And the last thing is experiment
Speaker 1: what it feels like to experience disapproval, to really sit
Speaker 1: with it, to not explain yourself. Oh my goodness, that's
Speaker 1: such a hard one for me. I want to like
Speaker 1: just explain myself to everybody. Every time someone has like
Speaker 1: a view of me that I'm like, why do they
Speaker 1: think that of me? There's trying to write out a
Speaker 1: full message or a voice note, trying to understand or
Speaker 1: explain myself of why I did what they think I did,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, But try and sit through it once.
Speaker 1: Sit in that discomfort of not being liked, or sit
Speaker 1: in that discomfort of someone's opinion of you being completely wrong,
Speaker 1: of someone having the wrong perception of you? How does
Speaker 1: that feel after a day, after a week, after a month,
Speaker 1: And you might just realize it's not that bad, Or
Speaker 1: you might find yourself sending out a whole lot of
Speaker 1: voice notes and a whole lot of text messages. Either way,
Speaker 1: at least you'll find out whether it actually is something
Speaker 1: that matters to you.
Speaker 2: So, actually, you.
Speaker 1: Don't need to focus on how to stop caring about
Speaker 1: what people think of you. I think that's a very
Speaker 1: natural thought, So we're.
Speaker 2: Not really trying to do that.
Speaker 1: What we need to focus on is building foundations and
Speaker 1: values and understanding you so what others say about you
Speaker 1: doesn't shake you as much.
Speaker 2: I read this and I thought it was really beautiful.
Speaker 1: It says, your fear of criticism is an unchecked need
Speaker 1: for love and approval from all the wrong places. If
Speaker 1: we don't love and approve ourself, we will first look
Speaker 1: for it from others, whilst second simultaneously believing we don't
Speaker 1: deserve it and fearing that they are going to see
Speaker 1: us for who.
Speaker 2: We really are.
Speaker 1: So I hope that this podcast helps you to reflect
Speaker 1: on how incredible you are, the worst that you should
Speaker 1: have in yourself, how wonderful you are, and how there
Speaker 1: are very few people whose opinions should really matter to you,
Speaker 1: and think about that deeply, and whenever the next time
Speaker 1: someone's opinion really gets to you, go through those four questions,
Speaker 1: go through those exercises and those practices, even just pick
Speaker 1: one that you think would help you the most.
Speaker 2: And try and utilize that.
Speaker 1: Because I'm telling you, as someone who has experienced being
Speaker 1: and living in the perception of others, it is exhausting.
Speaker 1: It's not fun. You constantly feel like you don't know
Speaker 1: who you are. You'll constantly have moments of feeling lonely
Speaker 1: even when you have friends. Because all we want to
Speaker 1: be is not accept We want to be accepted for
Speaker 1: who we actually are, not who people think we are.
Speaker 1: And so even if you do get accepted as this
Speaker 1: other version of yourself, it will never feel fulfilling at all.
Speaker 1: When we get to be authentic and then be accepted,
Speaker 1: that's all we're really looking for. And so build those foundations,
Speaker 1: figure out those values that you have, like go through
Speaker 1: all of these things, because not only will it help
Speaker 1: with the opinions of others, it will also help with
Speaker 1: you loving yourself a little bit more and valuing yourself
Speaker 1: a little bit more. And you know, I think sometimes
Speaker 1: we can feel like that sounds so egotistical too, that
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I just want you just telling us.
Speaker 2: To start like bigging ourselves up.
Speaker 1: But actually I love to see myself as an instrument
Speaker 1: of God, as an instrument of the universe. And so
Speaker 1: everything that we have been given is a gift from God,
Speaker 1: and so how can we not appreciate it, How can
Speaker 1: we not find worth in it?
Speaker 2: Because we are here for a reason.
Speaker 1: God has given us these gifts, these skills, these attributes
Speaker 1: for a reason.
Speaker 2: And so how dare we not appreciate them.
Speaker 1: How dare we not see them and notice them and
Speaker 1: recognize them and see the worth in them? And you
Speaker 1: have to remember, the opinions of others are based on
Speaker 1: this tiny, little minuscule crumb that they get to see
Speaker 1: of you, the tiniest crumb, And so we can either
Speaker 1: live our life trying to let them see the full
Speaker 1: version of ourself, or if there's someone who makes perceptions
Speaker 1: based on a tiny crumb, then they may not be
Speaker 1: worth having in your life. This came from I'm going
Speaker 1: to leave you guys with this. It says it's from
Speaker 1: just Talp's prayer, and I'm not sure what that is,
Speaker 1: but it was lovely. I do my thing and you
Speaker 1: do your thing. I'm not in this world to live
Speaker 1: up to your expectations, and you're not in this world
Speaker 1: to live up to mine.
Speaker 2: You are you, and I am I, And if.
Speaker 1: Our true versions of ourselves happen to connect, then magic
Speaker 1: will happen.
Speaker 2: I did that last line, but that's really the essence.
Speaker 1: I do my thing, You do your thing. I'm not
Speaker 1: in this world to live up to your expectations, and
Speaker 1: you are not in this world to live up to
Speaker 1: a mine.
Speaker 2: You are you and I am I, and.
Speaker 1: If our true versions of ourselves happen to connect, then
Speaker 1: magic will happen.
Speaker 2: I hope you will have such.
Speaker 1: A wonderful, wonderful day and don let the opinions of
Speaker 1: others ruin what could be a wonderful, wonderful life.
Speaker 2: Thanks guys, and I'll see you next time.