WEBVTT - Do You Worry About What Others Think? How to Overcome People-Pleasing and Start Being Your True Self 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.000 We all just want to be loved and liked by people. 0:00:03.080 --> 0:00:05.360 We want to feel close to other people. We want 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:08.400 to relate to others, and that's what relationships are, relating 0:00:08.480 --> 0:00:11.440 to one another. We just want to be accepted, and 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:13.680 so when we feel part of us won't be we 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:16.439 lock them up and we create this new version that 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:18.959 we believe will be an easier version to like or 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:21.080 to love. But you know the problem with that is 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:23.599 you end up becoming a person that you're actually not. 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:27.920 I'm Rady Wukah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:31.840 we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:35.959 for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:39.440 to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:42.640 I want to start this episode off with an affirmation. 0:00:43.400 --> 0:00:46.440 So put your hands on your heart right now unless 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:48.720 you're driving, of course, and keep your hands exactly where 0:00:48.760 --> 0:00:51.680 they are, and just say this in your mind or 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:54.920 out loud at the top of your voice. Say I 0:00:54.960 --> 0:00:58.279 am worthy, and I release the need to control what 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:02.320 others think of me. Again with me, I am worthy, 0:01:02.760 --> 0:01:06.040 and I release the need to control what others think 0:01:06.120 --> 0:01:09.479 of me. Say one more time, like you mean it, 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:13.560 I am worthy, and I release the need to control 0:01:13.720 --> 0:01:14.920 what others think of me. 0:01:16.280 --> 0:01:20.640 Take a deep breath in exhale. 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:25.880 Now, I assume if you've clicked on this episode, do 0:01:25.920 --> 0:01:28.120 you struggle with caring about what others think a little 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:28.640 too much? 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:29.760 Just like I do? 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:32.520 And honestly, it's something that I've struggled with for as 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:35.240 long as I can remember, to be quite honest. 0:01:35.440 --> 0:01:36.760 But it's gone in ebbs and flows. 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:39.520 There's times are I'm really like solid in how I 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:41.600 feel about it and I'm not as bothered, and other 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:45.759 times where I feel like I'm feeling the world's judgment 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:48.080 of me, and I find it really difficult not to 0:01:48.440 --> 0:01:51.920 let it absorb into myself and let it affect everything 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:54.360 that I do, everything that I say, from the moment 0:01:54.360 --> 0:01:56.360 that I walk out of the door. And you know what, 0:01:56.680 --> 0:01:59.440 it has been something that I've struggled with, like I said, 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:02.280 my whole life pretty much. It's something that has defined me, 0:02:02.880 --> 0:02:05.280 made me do things I don't actually want to, created 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:08.440 a persona that isn't really me, and made me feel 0:02:08.440 --> 0:02:11.040 like a stranger in my own body because I had 0:02:11.120 --> 0:02:14.520 moved so far away from who I actually was. And 0:02:14.560 --> 0:02:17.720 I heard Gaba Marte recently say this on a podcast, 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:20.480 and Oh, by the way, I've been obsessed with him lately. 0:02:20.560 --> 0:02:22.600 I don't know whether you guys have heard his podcasts 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:26.640 or heard him speak, but he is eighty years old 0:02:27.040 --> 0:02:30.040 and he has just really absorbed life and churned out 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.079 so much wisdom from it, Like you know when you 0:02:32.800 --> 0:02:35.880 hear people speak and you feel like they've really been 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:39.520 present in their life to be able to observe people, 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:42.640 observe their own life and observe the lessons that they 0:02:42.680 --> 0:02:44.760 need to learn from it, and really reflected on life 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:48.080 in that way. He definitely has that energy about him, 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:51.840 and he said, the problem with worrying about what others 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:54.320 think of you is that you're living in their. 0:02:54.280 --> 0:02:58.120 Mind and not yours. I can control my words. 0:02:57.919 --> 0:03:01.320 My actions, my thoughts, but I can't control how someone 0:03:01.360 --> 0:03:04.120 perceives my words, my actions, and my thoughts. 0:03:04.240 --> 0:03:04.880 That's not on me. 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.600 If you keep living through the eyes of others, are 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:12.240 you really living your life? And as soon as I 0:03:12.280 --> 0:03:14.160 heard that, I was like, oh, my goodness, I have 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:18.760 lived in someone else's mind for so much of my life, 0:03:18.919 --> 0:03:21.840 not in my own life, and so it made me 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:23.840 realize I actually had him in present in my life 0:03:23.880 --> 0:03:26.239 because I was living in the minds of others, thinking 0:03:26.280 --> 0:03:29.320 about what they might think about me, what they might 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:33.280 be seeing me as, what they might be perceiving me as. 0:03:34.240 --> 0:03:36.440 And so really, you're not living your own life. You're 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:39.520 constantly living your life from the perception of somebody else. 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:41.480 And you know, I realized the more time I was 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:44.320 spending trying to convince someone of who I was, the 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:47.040 less time I was actually spending on becoming that person. 0:03:47.920 --> 0:03:49.000 And you know what, this is. 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:51.680 So embarrassing, but I swear I still think about people 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:54.400 from ten years ago and I think, oh, I really 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:56.960 hope they still don't hate me for when for what 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:59.040 I did to them back then, Or the boys I 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:01.200 might have broken up with when I was like sixteen 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:04.320 over MSN before we had even met, or the girls 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:07.360 who were my best friends and then they weren't the 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:09.800 people that I maybe wasn't so nice to when I 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:12.240 wasn't going you know, when I wasn't having a good day. 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:15.280 Just so many interactions that randomly pop to my mind, 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:18.360 and I'm like, oh, my god, could they still hate 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:21.520 me like at this time? Could they still have this 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:24.159 negative view of me? As I was ten years ago, 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:27.359 fifteen years ago, whoever I was back then. And the 0:04:27.440 --> 0:04:30.320 fact is we all just change and grow so much 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:34.200 every single second, so people see and experience all these 0:04:34.240 --> 0:04:37.000 different versions of you, even on a cellular level. 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:40.280 You become a whole new person every seven years. 0:04:40.760 --> 0:04:42.760 If I think about who I was seven years ago 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.839 or seventeen years ago, oh my goodness, I was all 0:04:45.839 --> 0:04:48.320 over the place, And always wonder do those people from 0:04:48.320 --> 0:04:50.120 back in the day see who I am now and 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:53.240 think she cannot be this person now because of who 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:55.960 they've experienced me as or who I was back then. 0:04:56.600 --> 0:04:59.279 And then I realized sometimes the experience of me to 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:02.280 them was and they may have had a really good 0:05:02.360 --> 0:05:05.200 reason to dislike me. Then well maybe they didn't. But 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.000 the only part of it I can control is how 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:11.599 I changed for the better, change myself to become a 0:05:11.640 --> 0:05:16.000 better person after those experiences, and that I continue to 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.680 do so daily. That is a choice that I make 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:21.120 every single day to wake up and be better every 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:24.640 single day. There's also this immediate feeling of judgment where 0:05:24.720 --> 0:05:28.840 sometimes you're at a party or you're around people and 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:31.040 you're having a conversation with them, but you're thinking about 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:34.000 their judgment in real time rather than being in the moment. 0:05:34.960 --> 0:05:36.800 I could be in front of someone thinking about whether 0:05:36.800 --> 0:05:39.440 they're looking at my creasetlines on my face when I'm laughing, 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:42.440 or judging my outfit, or wondering whether they like my 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:45.159 outfit or not. You can be so in your head 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:47.080 that you end up just not being present in the 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:50.240 conversation at all. It's like, I see your mouth moving, 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.039 but all I hear is what's in my head, and 0:05:53.080 --> 0:05:55.480 it would honestly strip me from being in the moment 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:59.159 or actually having a decent human connection, or actually having 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:02.160 an interaction that was meaningful. And I actually used to 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:04.480 get that a lot in big parties or events whenever 0:06:04.520 --> 0:06:06.960 I felt more self conscious. And I still have to 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:09.360 really try to control that when I do go out 0:06:09.360 --> 0:06:11.760 to big events or when I meet people that I 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:14.720 don't necessarily feel comfortable around. To really make sure that 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:18.480 I'm present in that conversation, I have to stop thinking 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:21.480 about how they might be perceiving me in that moment. 0:06:22.040 --> 0:06:24.320 And you know, in reality, it comes from a very 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:27.240 primal place, even though in theory we know we do 0:06:27.320 --> 0:06:29.760 not want to be ruled or controlled by the opinions 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:33.400 of other people. Telling yourself not to care is like 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:35.560 telling yourself not to be hungry when your stomach is 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:39.360 telling you it's hungry. We're all wired to want community 0:06:39.440 --> 0:06:42.200 and to connect with people, and someone not liking you 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:45.200 in some way does threaten that. There's actually this study 0:06:45.279 --> 0:06:47.359 that showed that the same parts of your brain that 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.560 are activated when you feel physical pain are also the 0:06:50.600 --> 0:06:54.800 same places that are activated when you feel socihort rejection. God, 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:57.720 we all just want to be loved and liked by people. 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:01.040 We want to feel close to other. People relate to others, 0:07:01.080 --> 0:07:04.839 and that's what relationships are, relating to one another, and 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:08.640 connections come naturally from similarities. We just want to be accepted, 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.000 and so when we feel part of us won't be 0:07:11.240 --> 0:07:13.600 we lock them up and we create this new version 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:16.280 that we believe will be an easier version. 0:07:16.000 --> 0:07:17.119 To like or to love. 0:07:17.800 --> 0:07:19.800 But you know the problem with that is you end 0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:21.800 up becoming a person that you're actually not. 0:07:22.280 --> 0:07:23.480 You end up creating this. 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:26.920 New version of yourself, which actually the more you create 0:07:26.960 --> 0:07:29.400 this new version, the further away you're getting from the 0:07:29.440 --> 0:07:32.280 real version of you. And the thing is people feel it. 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:35.160 They feel the misalignment between you and who you really are. 0:07:35.240 --> 0:07:37.280 Like They may not know it's that, but. 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.000 They definitely feel there's something off when they're around you. 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.480 And even if people don't, you do. 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:45.600 Every single word, every single action that you do against 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:48.400 who you really are just takes you a step further 0:07:48.440 --> 0:07:50.640 away from the real version of you. And that's actually 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:53.280 sad because you're turning your back on the person that 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:55.520 you actually are. We actually live in this world where 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:59.400 fitting in is encouraged more than creating a unique. 0:07:59.080 --> 0:07:59.960 Version of yourself. 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:02.760 Instead of being encouraged to settle into who you are, 0:08:02.840 --> 0:08:05.000 whether it's your own body, your own mind, or your 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:08.720 own thoughts, you're told to become a duplicate of the 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:11.320 people around you, of the person that came before you, 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:14.760 never really embracing the fact that we are all so 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:17.120 unique and different and how magical and. 0:08:17.040 --> 0:08:18.080 Beautiful that really is. 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:21.680 You can completely end up losing who you are just 0:08:21.760 --> 0:08:24.720 in the pursuit of fitting in. Whether it's wearing the 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:28.400 same things, looking the same way, having the same body shape, 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.160 the same thoughts, the same beliefs. It's like you'll get 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:34.280 canceled just for being yourself. So we end up suppressing 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:37.000 and hiding who we really are, or we just end 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:39.839 up creating a facade of who we are or who 0:08:39.880 --> 0:08:41.920 we think we should be for people to like us, 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:43.880 or love us or want to spend time with us. 0:08:44.400 --> 0:08:46.280 And the more time that we spend trying to be 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:48.640 who others want us to be, the less time you 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:50.960 end up spending trying to figure out who you really are. 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:53.480 And the fact is, the more you figure out who 0:08:53.520 --> 0:08:56.800 you really are and start to appreciate it, the more 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.320 in alignment you are, and the more people will feel 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:02.360 connected to you you the deeper your connections can be, 0:09:02.360 --> 0:09:04.839 because if you don't know who you are, how can 0:09:04.880 --> 0:09:07.400 others truly get to know you. You can be friends 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:09.960 with someone for years, or have so many friends but 0:09:10.080 --> 0:09:13.040 still feel so lonely because they're not friends with the 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:16.040 real version of you. We end up spending more time 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:18.800 trying to convince someone we're kind rather than actually doing 0:09:18.840 --> 0:09:22.560 things that make us kind humans, because we're so bothered 0:09:22.840 --> 0:09:25.880 and so focused and obsessed with how people perceive us, 0:09:26.120 --> 0:09:28.040 rather than actually being or becoming that. 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:28.960 You know. 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:32.720 I actually heard this term called approve of addiction. 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:35.600 It's a real thing. It's where someone is causing themselves 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:40.480 excessive stress or changing their entire identity to fit in socially. 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:42.079 So I'm going to share. 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:45.920 Some signs with you to decipher whether the opinions of 0:09:45.960 --> 0:09:47.840 others impact you too much, or that you care too 0:09:47.880 --> 0:09:50.120 much about what others think. Really, these are based on 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:52.920 reflections of my own life and being in that place 0:09:53.000 --> 0:09:55.640 far too often. So the first one is that you 0:09:55.800 --> 0:09:59.200 change yourself in response to criticism, regardless of what it 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:00.360 is and who it comes from. 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:01.640 Let me give an example of that. 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:05.480 I get DMS after DMS after DMS telling me so 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:08.319 many things that I need to change, judging me based 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:11.240 on so many different things, and when I'm in weaker moments, 0:10:11.280 --> 0:10:14.000 I'll weed them and I'll be like, maybe I am this, 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:17.079 maybe I should change this. Suddenly I'll go to Jay 0:10:17.160 --> 0:10:18.720 or go to some of my friends, and I'll be like, 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:20.679 I think I have to change this, or my behavior 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:23.440 will start changing. All the things I'll start posting will 0:10:23.480 --> 0:10:27.440 automatically shift and change because I've allowed that judgment into 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:30.760 my consciousness to become my judgment of myself. So now 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:33.680 I'm acting in accordance to that judgment. I'm changing the 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:36.360 words that I use, the way that I'm acting such 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:39.600 subtle things. But I realized I've actually absorbed it into me, 0:10:39.640 --> 0:10:43.760 and now I'm reacting and acting based on that judgment. 0:10:44.440 --> 0:10:47.640 The second one is you let other people make decisions 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:50.800 for you. This was something I struggled with for a 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:54.920 lot of my younger life before I moved to New 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:57.680 York About what is it like seven years ago? 0:10:58.400 --> 0:10:59.800 I never made. 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:01.679 A decision for myself, my sister, my mum, I was 0:11:01.720 --> 0:11:05.959 a youngest child, lived my life making decisions through them. 0:11:06.120 --> 0:11:09.199 I wouldn't pick a knife without them, I wouldn't do 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:12.200 anything without them. They chose what career I should go into. 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:15.160 You know, anything they'd say about me, it would become me, Oh, 0:11:15.200 --> 0:11:16.240 you're this type of person. 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:18.000 I'd be like, yeah, I am this type of person. 0:11:18.480 --> 0:11:20.440 And so when you allow other people, you turn to 0:11:20.480 --> 0:11:24.360 other people to make decisions for you, there's definitely another 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:28.160 sign you don't set or maintain boundaries. It's like, once 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:30.439 you have a boundary, a boundary is there to be kept. 0:11:30.600 --> 0:11:33.079 But if it keeps shifting or keeps being pushed further 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:36.840 and further away from what that original boundary was, it 0:11:36.880 --> 0:11:41.679 could be because you're allowing other people's opinions to shift 0:11:41.760 --> 0:11:44.040 or move those boundaries, even though they were really important 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:46.319 to you at the beginning, you hold your tongue if 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:49.480 your opinion differs from everyone else's. Have you ever been 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.600 in that situation where you really fundamentally don't agree with 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:54.880 what someone is saying, whether it's about another person or 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:58.600 about a topic, but just in case or cause their 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:01.199 mind to change about your, just in case it will 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:06.079 cause some sort of conflict or rift between you. 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:08.319 You end up keeping your mouth shut. Most of the time. 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:11.000 You end up regretting it afterwards, but in the moment, 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:14.400 just because you care about what they think about you, 0:12:14.559 --> 0:12:17.800 or you think your opinion is not worth more than theirs, 0:12:17.840 --> 0:12:20.440 you end up keeping your mouth shut. Your peace of 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:23.480 mind relies on approval from others. Boy, have I been there, 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:30.640 especially when I started online. Honestly, just even now, constantly thinking, oh, 0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:33.520 when other people like something, or when other people give 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:35.000 me positive affirmations online. 0:12:35.040 --> 0:12:37.079 Sorry, that's the sound of my glass straw as I'm 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:38.839 drinking it. Yeah. 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:42.680 Every time you're like, it's like your mind feels at ease, 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:46.800 and every time you're not or someone says something about you, 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:50.839 your whole your whole mind feels like it's in turmoil. 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:54.840 You're constantly apologizing, even when you did nothing wrong that 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:56.880 can be you know what I say sorry ray too much. 0:12:56.880 --> 0:12:59.560 And one thing I love my training gift says is 0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:02.680 all time, every time I would do something wrong, when 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:05.120 I am you know, throwing a punch or get a 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:09.839 combination wrong, he'll say, You're not sorry, You're amazing. You're 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:11.120 not sorry, You're amazing. 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:13.800 It's you know, when he says that, I'm like, oh, yeah, 0:13:13.840 --> 0:13:15.040 I'm amazing. I'm not sorry. 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.720 But on a deeper level, you end up saying sorry 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:20.800 a lot because you just constantly want someone to think 0:13:20.880 --> 0:13:25.200 that you are passive. And just in case, I'm saying 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:27.360 sorry because I want to make sure that you know 0:13:27.720 --> 0:13:31.559 whatever you say is more important. And lastly, you rarely 0:13:31.600 --> 0:13:34.080 say no, but then you resent it afterwards. So again 0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:35.800 I guess that's kind of like the boundaries thing, but 0:13:35.920 --> 0:13:38.800 essentially keep saying yes to things, but actually internally it's 0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:43.760 really annoying you or you're resenting saying yes afterwards. And 0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:46.560 I always say, it's never really a good thing you've 0:13:46.600 --> 0:13:50.200 done for another person if you're resenting it afterwards, like 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:52.840 you're not really helping the person. You're not really doing 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:56.240 good for that person. If actually you're resenting helping them 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:59.360 after that's not real help. So I wanted to share 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:01.840 these four questions that I started going through in my 0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:05.680 mind that I would ask myself whenever I would start 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:08.400 spiraling and thinking about what others think about me and 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:09.840 stay in that spiral. 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:13.280 So the first one is why do I care? Why 0:14:13.320 --> 0:14:13.880 do you care? 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:16.760 Why do you care? Think about something that you were 0:14:16.800 --> 0:14:19.360 overthinking about. Think about something where you're worried about their 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:22.720 opinion for why did you care? Why do you care 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.320 what that person thinks about you? And it's not like 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:28.120 a blase why do you care? It's breaking it down. 0:14:28.200 --> 0:14:30.200 I care. Let's say it's your mom. 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:34.480 I care what my mom thinks about me because when 0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:36.840 she says something like that, it makes me feel like this, 0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:39.760 And when I feel like this, it makes me think 0:14:39.920 --> 0:14:43.360 I am not a good person, I am not worthy. 0:14:44.240 --> 0:14:46.520 When she speaks to me like that, it reminds me 0:14:46.560 --> 0:14:49.400 of a time when she did this, this, and this whatever. 0:14:49.440 --> 0:14:52.480 It is really break down the root in your mind 0:14:52.520 --> 0:14:54.360 of how did you get to the point of worrying 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:57.840 about what she's thinking about you or that person's thinking 0:14:57.840 --> 0:15:00.520 about you, and what does it then en up making 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:03.120 you feel to cause you to keep thinking about it 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:05.520 over and over again, and then that kind of leads 0:15:05.560 --> 0:15:07.160 on to why do I want them to like me? 0:15:07.800 --> 0:15:09.760 You know, there's a very valid reason I want my 0:15:09.800 --> 0:15:12.640 mum to like me, because I love her and I 0:15:12.680 --> 0:15:15.000 want her to respect me and love me and think 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:15.520 what I'm. 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:16.080 Doing is right. 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:19.160 And then does their opinion of me trigger me because 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:20.960 it's something I need to work on? That was a 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:23.560 big one for me. And notice that I would get 0:15:23.560 --> 0:15:27.600 triggered most like of strangers DMS, I would get really upset, 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:29.520 And first of all, i'd be like, I'm just upset 0:15:29.560 --> 0:15:31.600 because I don't want people, you. 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:32.680 Know, people to think bad of me. 0:15:32.720 --> 0:15:36.240 And then I realized, oh, sometimes it's actually because it's 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:38.400 a trigger and a reminder to me. 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:40.360 Of the things that I actually need to work on. 0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:42.960 And so I actually feel. 0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:45.160 More defensive and more upset about it because I also 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:47.920 deep down think that about myself. And there could be 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:51.120 a difference between it being something that's true, or it 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:54.320 could be something where it's pushing on your insecurities. 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:56.920 And so actually it's not that it's true, it's that 0:15:56.960 --> 0:15:57.280 you have. 0:15:57.240 --> 0:15:59.440 To work on your self worth because it's pushing on 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:02.520 your insecure authorities and making you feel worse about yourself. 0:16:02.880 --> 0:16:05.200 And the last one is are they someone whose opinion 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:07.720 I value in that area of my life. 0:16:08.280 --> 0:16:12.240 The value of someone's opinion is directly correlated to the 0:16:12.360 --> 0:16:15.080 value of their relationship in your life, and so a 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:17.840 throwaway comment from a stranger should not matter as much 0:16:17.840 --> 0:16:20.080 as a truthful input from a trusted friend or a 0:16:20.120 --> 0:16:24.560 loved one. And that's how you really filter judgment and 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:25.720 help from other people. 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:27.640 And that's something I've. 0:16:27.480 --> 0:16:30.680 Really had to filter literally in my DMS and in 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.400 my inbox. It's like if someone tells me that they 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:36.160 now dislike me because of something I've posted, or that 0:16:36.200 --> 0:16:39.120 they used to like me but now I'm posting things 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:42.320 about I don't know pair brands and now they think 0:16:42.320 --> 0:16:43.760 I'm just trying to sell them something. 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:46.320 It's like, okay, well that's how you feel like. 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:48.120 I really am not going to I don't know how 0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:49.720 much I can spend my time trying to change that. 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:51.080 By the way I used to try and change it, 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:53.480 I would send them voice notes to be like explain 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:56.040 to them why I took on that partnership or why 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.400 I did this, or explaining myself of why I haven't 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:01.240 posted about this, why I haven't done this, and it's 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:04.480 just exhausting. Why not invest more time in the relationships 0:17:04.480 --> 0:17:06.919 and cultivate the relationships that do mean something to me 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:09.760 and make sure those relationships are good rather than sending 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:11.720 someone a random voice oot to a stranger that makes 0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:14.679 no difference in my life. And you know, I realized 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:19.600 that nowadays, more people have the opportunity to have opinions 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:22.080 about you because of how social media is. It's like 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:24.560 back in the day, maybe the people in your village 0:17:24.640 --> 0:17:27.960 might have an opinion about you your family, but it 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:31.639 was never to this scale. Now you have more judgment 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:34.960 and more opinion on you than ever before because we're 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:37.960 constantly showing people our lives and also more people are 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:40.040 seeing our lives than they would have ever been able 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:43.440 to before. And so we're kind of welcoming that judgment 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.520 into our life as well, and welcoming those opinions by 0:17:46.520 --> 0:17:47.440 obviously sharing our. 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:48.920 Life more and more online. 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:51.560 It's literally like having someone in your DMS is like 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:53.919 having someone knocking on your door and being like, I 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:56.080 just want you to know I hate you, slams the 0:17:56.119 --> 0:17:59.199 door shut. Honestly, how are we taking that? 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:00.400 Seriously? Do? 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.639 Because I don't know why why do we do it. 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:05.280 It's because we just want to be loved and liked. 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:09.439 That's the essence of everything, And because we have to 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:12.760 start to appreciate ourself more. The more you appreciate yourself 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:15.120 and the more confident you are, the less the opinions 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:18.040 of strangers or other people will shake you. The more 0:18:18.080 --> 0:18:20.360 insecure I feel, the more I care what others think, 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:22.800 and that has been a regular pattern in my life. 0:18:22.840 --> 0:18:25.919 I feel insecure the words of other people. I almost 0:18:25.920 --> 0:18:28.520 see as like the more self worth you have, it 0:18:28.520 --> 0:18:30.560 acts as a shield. That shield will. 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:33.439 Deflect off and reflect off all of that negative energy. 0:18:33.480 --> 0:18:37.360 The negative comments, the opinions of other people don't hit 0:18:37.400 --> 0:18:41.960 you as hard because you have this shield that's fighting 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:44.280 them off. As soon as I become insecure and I 0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:47.600 start questioning myself slowly, it creates these holes in this 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:51.240 shield that I'd created to allow those opinions in, to 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:55.159