1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,000 Speaker 1: We all just want to be loved and liked by people. 2 00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:05,360 Speaker 1: We want to feel close to other people. We want 3 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: to relate to others, and that's what relationships are, relating 4 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,440 Speaker 1: to one another. We just want to be accepted, and 5 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,680 Speaker 1: so when we feel part of us won't be we 6 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,439 Speaker 1: lock them up and we create this new version that 7 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,959 Speaker 1: we believe will be an easier version to like or 8 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,080 Speaker 1: to love. But you know the problem with that is 9 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,599 Speaker 1: you end up becoming a person that you're actually not. 10 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 1: I'm Rady Wukah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 11 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space 12 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,959 Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you 13 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. 14 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: I want to start this episode off with an affirmation. 15 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,440 Speaker 1: So put your hands on your heart right now unless 16 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,720 Speaker 1: you're driving, of course, and keep your hands exactly where 17 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: they are, and just say this in your mind or 18 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: out loud at the top of your voice. Say I 19 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,279 Speaker 1: am worthy, and I release the need to control what 20 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:02,320 Speaker 1: others think of me. Again with me, I am worthy, 21 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,040 Speaker 1: and I release the need to control what others think 22 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,479 Speaker 1: of me. Say one more time, like you mean it, 23 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,560 Speaker 1: I am worthy, and I release the need to control 24 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:14,920 Speaker 1: what others think of me. 25 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:20,640 Speaker 2: Take a deep breath in exhale. 26 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 1: Now, I assume if you've clicked on this episode, do 27 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 1: you struggle with caring about what others think a little 28 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 1: too much? 29 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:29,760 Speaker 2: Just like I do? 30 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 1: And honestly, it's something that I've struggled with for as 31 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 1: long as I can remember, to be quite honest. 32 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 2: But it's gone in ebbs and flows. 33 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: There's times are I'm really like solid in how I 34 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: feel about it and I'm not as bothered, and other 35 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,759 Speaker 1: times where I feel like I'm feeling the world's judgment 36 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 1: of me, and I find it really difficult not to 37 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 1: let it absorb into myself and let it affect everything 38 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,360 Speaker 1: that I do, everything that I say, from the moment 39 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,360 Speaker 1: that I walk out of the door. And you know what, 40 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,440 Speaker 1: it has been something that I've struggled with, like I said, 41 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: my whole life pretty much. It's something that has defined me, 42 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: made me do things I don't actually want to, created 43 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,440 Speaker 1: a persona that isn't really me, and made me feel 44 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,040 Speaker 1: like a stranger in my own body because I had 45 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:14,520 Speaker 1: moved so far away from who I actually was. And 46 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,720 Speaker 1: I heard Gaba Marte recently say this on a podcast, 47 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,480 Speaker 1: and Oh, by the way, I've been obsessed with him lately. 48 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,600 Speaker 1: I don't know whether you guys have heard his podcasts 49 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,640 Speaker 1: or heard him speak, but he is eighty years old 50 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: and he has just really absorbed life and churned out 51 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 1: so much wisdom from it, Like you know when you 52 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: hear people speak and you feel like they've really been 53 00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:39,520 Speaker 1: present in their life to be able to observe people, 54 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 1: observe their own life and observe the lessons that they 55 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 1: need to learn from it, and really reflected on life 56 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,080 Speaker 1: in that way. He definitely has that energy about him, 57 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 1: and he said, the problem with worrying about what others 58 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,320 Speaker 1: think of you is that you're living in their. 59 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:58,120 Speaker 2: Mind and not yours. I can control my words. 60 00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:01,320 Speaker 1: My actions, my thoughts, but I can't control how someone 61 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 1: perceives my words, my actions, and my thoughts. 62 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 2: That's not on me. 63 00:03:05,639 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: If you keep living through the eyes of others, are 64 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 1: you really living your life? And as soon as I 65 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 1: heard that, I was like, oh, my goodness, I have 66 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: lived in someone else's mind for so much of my life, 67 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: not in my own life, and so it made me 68 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 1: realize I actually had him in present in my life 69 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,239 Speaker 1: because I was living in the minds of others, thinking 70 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,320 Speaker 1: about what they might think about me, what they might 71 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: be seeing me as, what they might be perceiving me as. 72 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 1: And so really, you're not living your own life. You're 73 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 1: constantly living your life from the perception of somebody else. 74 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 1: And you know, I realized the more time I was 75 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: spending trying to convince someone of who I was, the 76 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 1: less time I was actually spending on becoming that person. 77 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 2: And you know what, this is. 78 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 1: So embarrassing, but I swear I still think about people 79 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: from ten years ago and I think, oh, I really 80 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: hope they still don't hate me for when for what 81 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: I did to them back then, Or the boys I 82 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 1: might have broken up with when I was like sixteen 83 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 1: over MSN before we had even met, or the girls 84 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: who were my best friends and then they weren't the 85 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 1: people that I maybe wasn't so nice to when I 86 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 1: wasn't going you know, when I wasn't having a good day. 87 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 1: Just so many interactions that randomly pop to my mind, 88 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,360 Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, my god, could they still hate 89 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,520 Speaker 1: me like at this time? Could they still have this 90 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,159 Speaker 1: negative view of me? As I was ten years ago, 91 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,359 Speaker 1: fifteen years ago, whoever I was back then. And the 92 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: fact is we all just change and grow so much 93 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,200 Speaker 1: every single second, so people see and experience all these 94 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: different versions of you, even on a cellular level. 95 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 2: You become a whole new person every seven years. 96 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: If I think about who I was seven years ago 97 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 1: or seventeen years ago, oh my goodness, I was all 98 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: over the place, And always wonder do those people from 99 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: back in the day see who I am now and 100 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: think she cannot be this person now because of who 101 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: they've experienced me as or who I was back then. 102 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,279 Speaker 1: And then I realized sometimes the experience of me to 103 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,280 Speaker 1: them was and they may have had a really good 104 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 1: reason to dislike me. Then well maybe they didn't. But 105 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:08,000 Speaker 1: the only part of it I can control is how 106 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: I changed for the better, change myself to become a 107 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:16,000 Speaker 1: better person after those experiences, and that I continue to 108 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: do so daily. That is a choice that I make 109 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: every single day to wake up and be better every 110 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: single day. There's also this immediate feeling of judgment where 111 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,840 Speaker 1: sometimes you're at a party or you're around people and 112 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,040 Speaker 1: you're having a conversation with them, but you're thinking about 113 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,000 Speaker 1: their judgment in real time rather than being in the moment. 114 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 1: I could be in front of someone thinking about whether 115 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 1: they're looking at my creasetlines on my face when I'm laughing, 116 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: or judging my outfit, or wondering whether they like my 117 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,159 Speaker 1: outfit or not. You can be so in your head 118 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: that you end up just not being present in the 119 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 1: conversation at all. It's like, I see your mouth moving, 120 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,039 Speaker 1: but all I hear is what's in my head, and 121 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,480 Speaker 1: it would honestly strip me from being in the moment 122 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,159 Speaker 1: or actually having a decent human connection, or actually having 123 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 1: an interaction that was meaningful. And I actually used to 124 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,480 Speaker 1: get that a lot in big parties or events whenever 125 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,960 Speaker 1: I felt more self conscious. And I still have to 126 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,360 Speaker 1: really try to control that when I do go out 127 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,760 Speaker 1: to big events or when I meet people that I 128 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,720 Speaker 1: don't necessarily feel comfortable around. To really make sure that 129 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:18,480 Speaker 1: I'm present in that conversation, I have to stop thinking 130 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,480 Speaker 1: about how they might be perceiving me in that moment. 131 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: And you know, in reality, it comes from a very 132 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: primal place, even though in theory we know we do 133 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,760 Speaker 1: not want to be ruled or controlled by the opinions 134 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 1: of other people. Telling yourself not to care is like 135 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 1: telling yourself not to be hungry when your stomach is 136 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,360 Speaker 1: telling you it's hungry. We're all wired to want community 137 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,200 Speaker 1: and to connect with people, and someone not liking you 138 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: in some way does threaten that. There's actually this study 139 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,359 Speaker 1: that showed that the same parts of your brain that 140 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 1: are activated when you feel physical pain are also the 141 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,800 Speaker 1: same places that are activated when you feel socihort rejection. God, 142 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:57,720 Speaker 1: we all just want to be loved and liked by people. 143 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: We want to feel close to other. People relate to others, 144 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,839 Speaker 1: and that's what relationships are, relating to one another, and 145 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: connections come naturally from similarities. We just want to be accepted, 146 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: and so when we feel part of us won't be 147 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: we lock them up and we create this new version 148 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 1: that we believe will be an easier version. 149 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,119 Speaker 2: To like or to love. 150 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: But you know the problem with that is you end 151 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 1: up becoming a person that you're actually not. 152 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,480 Speaker 2: You end up creating this. 153 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: New version of yourself, which actually the more you create 154 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,400 Speaker 1: this new version, the further away you're getting from the 155 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 1: real version of you. And the thing is people feel it. 156 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 1: They feel the misalignment between you and who you really are. 157 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,280 Speaker 2: Like They may not know it's that, but. 158 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: They definitely feel there's something off when they're around you. 159 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 2: And even if people don't, you do. 160 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: Every single word, every single action that you do against 161 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 1: who you really are just takes you a step further 162 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:50,640 Speaker 1: away from the real version of you. And that's actually 163 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 1: sad because you're turning your back on the person that 164 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 1: you actually are. We actually live in this world where 165 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,400 Speaker 1: fitting in is encouraged more than creating a unique. 166 00:07:59,080 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 2: Version of yourself. 167 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,760 Speaker 1: Instead of being encouraged to settle into who you are, 168 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 1: whether it's your own body, your own mind, or your 169 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,720 Speaker 1: own thoughts, you're told to become a duplicate of the 170 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: people around you, of the person that came before you, 171 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,760 Speaker 1: never really embracing the fact that we are all so 172 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,120 Speaker 1: unique and different and how magical and. 173 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,080 Speaker 2: Beautiful that really is. 174 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 1: You can completely end up losing who you are just 175 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: in the pursuit of fitting in. Whether it's wearing the 176 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: same things, looking the same way, having the same body shape, 177 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,160 Speaker 1: the same thoughts, the same beliefs. It's like you'll get 178 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: canceled just for being yourself. So we end up suppressing 179 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,000 Speaker 1: and hiding who we really are, or we just end 180 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,839 Speaker 1: up creating a facade of who we are or who 181 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,920 Speaker 1: we think we should be for people to like us, 182 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,880 Speaker 1: or love us or want to spend time with us. 183 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 1: And the more time that we spend trying to be 184 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,640 Speaker 1: who others want us to be, the less time you 185 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: end up spending trying to figure out who you really are. 186 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 1: And the fact is, the more you figure out who 187 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,800 Speaker 1: you really are and start to appreciate it, the more 188 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: in alignment you are, and the more people will feel 189 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: connected to you you the deeper your connections can be, 190 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,839 Speaker 1: because if you don't know who you are, how can 191 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: others truly get to know you. You can be friends 192 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,960 Speaker 1: with someone for years, or have so many friends but 193 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 1: still feel so lonely because they're not friends with the 194 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,040 Speaker 1: real version of you. We end up spending more time 195 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: trying to convince someone we're kind rather than actually doing 196 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,560 Speaker 1: things that make us kind humans, because we're so bothered 197 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 1: and so focused and obsessed with how people perceive us, 198 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: rather than actually being or becoming that. 199 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:28,960 Speaker 2: You know. 200 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 1: I actually heard this term called approve of addiction. 201 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 2: It's a real thing. It's where someone is causing themselves 202 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:40,480 Speaker 2: excessive stress or changing their entire identity to fit in socially. 203 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,079 Speaker 2: So I'm going to share. 204 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 1: Some signs with you to decipher whether the opinions of 205 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,840 Speaker 1: others impact you too much, or that you care too 206 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 1: much about what others think. Really, these are based on 207 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: reflections of my own life and being in that place 208 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,640 Speaker 1: far too often. So the first one is that you 209 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,200 Speaker 1: change yourself in response to criticism, regardless of what it 210 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 1: is and who it comes from. 211 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 2: Let me give an example of that. 212 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: I get DMS after DMS after DMS telling me so 213 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,319 Speaker 1: many things that I need to change, judging me based 214 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,240 Speaker 1: on so many different things, and when I'm in weaker moments, 215 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,000 Speaker 1: I'll weed them and I'll be like, maybe I am this, 216 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,079 Speaker 1: maybe I should change this. Suddenly I'll go to Jay 217 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 1: or go to some of my friends, and I'll be like, 218 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,679 Speaker 1: I think I have to change this, or my behavior 219 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,440 Speaker 1: will start changing. All the things I'll start posting will 220 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,440 Speaker 1: automatically shift and change because I've allowed that judgment into 221 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 1: my consciousness to become my judgment of myself. So now 222 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,680 Speaker 1: I'm acting in accordance to that judgment. I'm changing the 223 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 1: words that I use, the way that I'm acting such 224 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,600 Speaker 1: subtle things. But I realized I've actually absorbed it into me, 225 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: and now I'm reacting and acting based on that judgment. 226 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,640 Speaker 1: The second one is you let other people make decisions 227 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:50,800 Speaker 1: for you. This was something I struggled with for a 228 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 1: lot of my younger life before I moved to New 229 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,680 Speaker 1: York About what is it like seven years ago? 230 00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 2: I never made. 231 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,679 Speaker 1: A decision for myself, my sister, my mum, I was 232 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:05,959 Speaker 1: a youngest child, lived my life making decisions through them. 233 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,199 Speaker 1: I wouldn't pick a knife without them, I wouldn't do 234 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,200 Speaker 1: anything without them. They chose what career I should go into. 235 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: You know, anything they'd say about me, it would become me, Oh, 236 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: you're this type of person. 237 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 2: I'd be like, yeah, I am this type of person. 238 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,440 Speaker 1: And so when you allow other people, you turn to 239 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,360 Speaker 1: other people to make decisions for you, there's definitely another 240 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:28,160 Speaker 1: sign you don't set or maintain boundaries. It's like, once 241 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,439 Speaker 1: you have a boundary, a boundary is there to be kept. 242 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,079 Speaker 1: But if it keeps shifting or keeps being pushed further 243 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,840 Speaker 1: and further away from what that original boundary was, it 244 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:41,679 Speaker 1: could be because you're allowing other people's opinions to shift 245 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: or move those boundaries, even though they were really important 246 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,319 Speaker 1: to you at the beginning, you hold your tongue if 247 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 1: your opinion differs from everyone else's. Have you ever been 248 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: in that situation where you really fundamentally don't agree with 249 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: what someone is saying, whether it's about another person or 250 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 1: about a topic, but just in case or cause their 251 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:01,199 Speaker 1: mind to change about your, just in case it will 252 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:06,079 Speaker 1: cause some sort of conflict or rift between you. 253 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,319 Speaker 2: You end up keeping your mouth shut. Most of the time. 254 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,000 Speaker 1: You end up regretting it afterwards, but in the moment, 255 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,400 Speaker 1: just because you care about what they think about you, 256 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 1: or you think your opinion is not worth more than theirs, 257 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,440 Speaker 1: you end up keeping your mouth shut. Your peace of 258 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: mind relies on approval from others. Boy, have I been there, 259 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 1: especially when I started online. Honestly, just even now, constantly thinking, oh, 260 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:33,520 Speaker 1: when other people like something, or when other people give 261 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 1: me positive affirmations online. 262 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,079 Speaker 2: Sorry, that's the sound of my glass straw as I'm 263 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:38,839 Speaker 2: drinking it. Yeah. 264 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 1: Every time you're like, it's like your mind feels at ease, 265 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: and every time you're not or someone says something about you, 266 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,839 Speaker 1: your whole your whole mind feels like it's in turmoil. 267 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,840 Speaker 1: You're constantly apologizing, even when you did nothing wrong that 268 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: can be you know what I say sorry ray too much. 269 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,560 Speaker 1: And one thing I love my training gift says is 270 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,680 Speaker 1: all time, every time I would do something wrong, when 271 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:05,120 Speaker 1: I am you know, throwing a punch or get a 272 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:09,839 Speaker 1: combination wrong, he'll say, You're not sorry, You're amazing. You're 273 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: not sorry, You're amazing. 274 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 2: It's you know, when he says that, I'm like, oh, yeah, 275 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,040 Speaker 2: I'm amazing. I'm not sorry. 276 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 1: But on a deeper level, you end up saying sorry 277 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: a lot because you just constantly want someone to think 278 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:25,200 Speaker 1: that you are passive. And just in case, I'm saying 279 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,360 Speaker 1: sorry because I want to make sure that you know 280 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,559 Speaker 1: whatever you say is more important. And lastly, you rarely 281 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,080 Speaker 1: say no, but then you resent it afterwards. So again 282 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,800 Speaker 1: I guess that's kind of like the boundaries thing, but 283 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: essentially keep saying yes to things, but actually internally it's 284 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:43,760 Speaker 1: really annoying you or you're resenting saying yes afterwards. And 285 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 1: I always say, it's never really a good thing you've 286 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,200 Speaker 1: done for another person if you're resenting it afterwards, like 287 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,840 Speaker 1: you're not really helping the person. You're not really doing 288 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: good for that person. If actually you're resenting helping them 289 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,360 Speaker 1: after that's not real help. So I wanted to share 290 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,840 Speaker 1: these four questions that I started going through in my 291 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,680 Speaker 1: mind that I would ask myself whenever I would start 292 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,400 Speaker 1: spiraling and thinking about what others think about me and 293 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 1: stay in that spiral. 294 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 2: So the first one is why do I care? Why 295 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 2: do you care? 296 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,760 Speaker 1: Why do you care? Think about something that you were 297 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 1: overthinking about. Think about something where you're worried about their 298 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 1: opinion for why did you care? Why do you care 299 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,320 Speaker 1: what that person thinks about you? And it's not like 300 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,120 Speaker 1: a blase why do you care? It's breaking it down. 301 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,200 Speaker 2: I care. Let's say it's your mom. 302 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,480 Speaker 1: I care what my mom thinks about me because when 303 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: she says something like that, it makes me feel like this, 304 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,760 Speaker 1: And when I feel like this, it makes me think 305 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,360 Speaker 1: I am not a good person, I am not worthy. 306 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,520 Speaker 1: When she speaks to me like that, it reminds me 307 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: of a time when she did this, this, and this whatever. 308 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,480 Speaker 1: It is really break down the root in your mind 309 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,360 Speaker 1: of how did you get to the point of worrying 310 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: about what she's thinking about you or that person's thinking 311 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,520 Speaker 1: about you, and what does it then en up making 312 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,120 Speaker 1: you feel to cause you to keep thinking about it 313 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,520 Speaker 1: over and over again, and then that kind of leads 314 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,160 Speaker 1: on to why do I want them to like me? 315 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,760 Speaker 1: You know, there's a very valid reason I want my 316 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,640 Speaker 1: mum to like me, because I love her and I 317 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,000 Speaker 1: want her to respect me and love me and think 318 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:15,520 Speaker 1: what I'm. 319 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 2: Doing is right. 320 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: And then does their opinion of me trigger me because 321 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 1: it's something I need to work on? That was a 322 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: big one for me. And notice that I would get 323 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:27,600 Speaker 1: triggered most like of strangers DMS, I would get really upset, 324 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 1: And first of all, i'd be like, I'm just upset 325 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 1: because I don't want people, you. 326 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 2: Know, people to think bad of me. 327 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,240 Speaker 1: And then I realized, oh, sometimes it's actually because it's 328 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: a trigger and a reminder to me. 329 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,360 Speaker 2: Of the things that I actually need to work on. 330 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 2: And so I actually feel. 331 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,160 Speaker 1: More defensive and more upset about it because I also 332 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: deep down think that about myself. And there could be 333 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:51,120 Speaker 1: a difference between it being something that's true, or it 334 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 1: could be something where it's pushing on your insecurities. 335 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 2: And so actually it's not that it's true, it's that 336 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:57,280 Speaker 2: you have. 337 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: To work on your self worth because it's pushing on 338 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: your insecure authorities and making you feel worse about yourself. 339 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 2: And the last one is are they someone whose opinion 340 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 2: I value in that area of my life. 341 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 1: The value of someone's opinion is directly correlated to the 342 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 1: value of their relationship in your life, and so a 343 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,840 Speaker 1: throwaway comment from a stranger should not matter as much 344 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 1: as a truthful input from a trusted friend or a 345 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 1: loved one. And that's how you really filter judgment and 346 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 1: help from other people. 347 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 2: And that's something I've. 348 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,680 Speaker 1: Really had to filter literally in my DMS and in 349 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: my inbox. It's like if someone tells me that they 350 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 1: now dislike me because of something I've posted, or that 351 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,120 Speaker 1: they used to like me but now I'm posting things 352 00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:42,320 Speaker 1: about I don't know pair brands and now they think 353 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,760 Speaker 1: I'm just trying to sell them something. 354 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,320 Speaker 2: It's like, okay, well that's how you feel like. 355 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,120 Speaker 1: I really am not going to I don't know how 356 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,720 Speaker 1: much I can spend my time trying to change that. 357 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 1: By the way I used to try and change it, 358 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,480 Speaker 1: I would send them voice notes to be like explain 359 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,040 Speaker 1: to them why I took on that partnership or why 360 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 1: I did this, or explaining myself of why I haven't 361 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: posted about this, why I haven't done this, and it's 362 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 1: just exhausting. Why not invest more time in the relationships 363 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,919 Speaker 1: and cultivate the relationships that do mean something to me 364 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,760 Speaker 1: and make sure those relationships are good rather than sending 365 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,720 Speaker 1: someone a random voice oot to a stranger that makes 366 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,679 Speaker 1: no difference in my life. And you know, I realized 367 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 1: that nowadays, more people have the opportunity to have opinions 368 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 1: about you because of how social media is. It's like 369 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,560 Speaker 1: back in the day, maybe the people in your village 370 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 1: might have an opinion about you your family, but it 371 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 1: was never to this scale. Now you have more judgment 372 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,960 Speaker 1: and more opinion on you than ever before because we're 373 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 1: constantly showing people our lives and also more people are 374 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: seeing our lives than they would have ever been able 375 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,440 Speaker 1: to before. And so we're kind of welcoming that judgment 376 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: into our life as well, and welcoming those opinions by 377 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 1: obviously sharing our. 378 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:48,920 Speaker 2: Life more and more online. 379 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,560 Speaker 1: It's literally like having someone in your DMS is like 380 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 1: having someone knocking on your door and being like, I 381 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 1: just want you to know I hate you, slams the 382 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:59,199 Speaker 1: door shut. Honestly, how are we taking that? 383 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,400 Speaker 2: Seriously? Do? 384 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,639 Speaker 1: Because I don't know why why do we do it. 385 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 1: It's because we just want to be loved and liked. 386 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,439 Speaker 1: That's the essence of everything, And because we have to 387 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: start to appreciate ourself more. The more you appreciate yourself 388 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:15,120 Speaker 1: and the more confident you are, the less the opinions 389 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 1: of strangers or other people will shake you. The more 390 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,360 Speaker 1: insecure I feel, the more I care what others think, 391 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,800 Speaker 1: and that has been a regular pattern in my life. 392 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,919 Speaker 2: I feel insecure the words of other people. I almost 393 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,520 Speaker 2: see as like the more self worth you have, it 394 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 2: acts as a shield. That shield will. 395 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:33,439 Speaker 1: Deflect off and reflect off all of that negative energy. 396 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,360 Speaker 1: The negative comments, the opinions of other people don't hit 397 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: you as hard because you have this shield that's fighting 398 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,280 Speaker 1: them off. As soon as I become insecure and I 399 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,600 Speaker 1: start questioning myself slowly, it creates these holes in this 400 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: shield that I'd created to allow those opinions in, to 401 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:55,159 Speaker 1: allow the thoughts of other people and how they perceive me. 402 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,240 Speaker 1: It start seeping into me and I start absorbing it 403 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,760 Speaker 1: because that shield has been broken. So unfortunately it's a 404 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,399 Speaker 1: you thing or it's an us thing. We have to 405 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:08,480 Speaker 1: work on that foundational acceptance of yourself and building those 406 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,560 Speaker 1: strong foundations means there's no cracks for others words or opinions. 407 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 2: To enter and affect you. Or you may hear it, 408 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,680 Speaker 2: it just won't affect you as much or balance off. 409 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,680 Speaker 2: You'd be like, thank you so much for your opinion. 410 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,240 Speaker 1: You're not paying my bills, you're not somebody I love, 411 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,480 Speaker 1: And for that reason, your opinion means a balance of 412 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,080 Speaker 1: zero to me, Thank you very much. And you know, 413 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 1: I would doubt myself and my character and who I 414 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,320 Speaker 1: was so easily because I actually had no clue who 415 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 1: I was. And the first step to self worth and 416 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,399 Speaker 1: self acceptance is understanding yourself first, Because how are you 417 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,920 Speaker 1: going to accept yourself or notice your worth if you're 418 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,320 Speaker 1: not starting to learn about who you actually are and 419 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,959 Speaker 1: what you do have to offer in this Well, then, 420 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 1: by the way, before you say I've got nothing to offer, 421 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,879 Speaker 1: every single person has so much to offer just by 422 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,240 Speaker 1: taking the time, like you were trying to date the 423 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,879 Speaker 1: guy that you're obsessed with, take that time to be 424 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,200 Speaker 1: obsessed with yourself for. 425 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:02,439 Speaker 2: A little bit. So let's talk about a few. 426 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,600 Speaker 1: Actions and practices that can start you on the path 427 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 1: to caring less about what others think and caring more 428 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,119 Speaker 1: about what you think. 429 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,400 Speaker 2: First of all, like I said, is self awareness. 430 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,720 Speaker 1: Get to know you listen to what your body and 431 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: you're in a voice are telling you that you should 432 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,119 Speaker 1: be doing. Start making choices and decisions for yourself. Follow 433 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: through with your decisions. The more you listen to you, 434 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:24,960 Speaker 1: the louder your voice will get and others voices will 435 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: get quieter. 436 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 2: The lower your self esteem is, the more you'll care 437 00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:29,240 Speaker 2: about what others think. 438 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,479 Speaker 1: And low esteem really boils down to just not knowing 439 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,400 Speaker 1: your worth or knowing the magic that you have in you. 440 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,679 Speaker 1: You have to see it, look for it to remember 441 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: it's even there in those hard moments. So I actually 442 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,679 Speaker 1: don't like the term finding yourself because you're not lost. 443 00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 1: It's actually just returning back to yourself. 444 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:45,760 Speaker 2: You have to. 445 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: Unlearn, excavate all those things to remember who you are 446 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,920 Speaker 1: before the world got its hands on you, before other 447 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:57,200 Speaker 1: people's opinions started changing who you are, before the view 448 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,359 Speaker 1: of or the perception of others start to affect the 449 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 1: way that you acted. 450 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,480 Speaker 2: And so what does that take? 451 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,200 Speaker 1: It means spending more time with yourself, not trying to 452 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:10,680 Speaker 1: feel the moments of silence, writing, hearing your thoughts. 453 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,199 Speaker 2: What do you like what do you dislike? Can you 454 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,480 Speaker 2: answer those questions right now? What do you like? What 455 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 2: do you dislike? 456 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: What kind of things really upset you in a friendship? 457 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,080 Speaker 1: What opinions matter to you the most? What are the 458 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:25,199 Speaker 1: hardest things for you to hear about yourself? What are 459 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,400 Speaker 1: your non negotiables? What are the things that you value 460 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,800 Speaker 1: the most like? All of these questions are questions that 461 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,359 Speaker 1: will help you to understand you and then help you 462 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: to almost build a good trunk for yourself where you 463 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,240 Speaker 1: can't be pushed around. When you think about a tree, 464 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,080 Speaker 1: the trunk is so solid that. 465 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 2: No matter what element comes at at rain wind snow. 466 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,400 Speaker 1: Like not element but season, same thing, but no matter 467 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,359 Speaker 1: what comes at it, it still stands strong because their roots 468 00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: are so deep and their trunk is so strong. And 469 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,120 Speaker 1: so that's really what we're trying to build for ourselves, 470 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,560 Speaker 1: that no matter what the externals come to towards us, 471 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:02,159 Speaker 1: we still stay solid and. 472 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:02,720 Speaker 2: Who we are. 473 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: And that leads me on to the second action or 474 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: practice that you can do. Sit down and think about 475 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,480 Speaker 1: what your personal purpose and values are. You're deeper why 476 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,439 Speaker 1: when you have that thread or that trunk. As I 477 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,359 Speaker 1: spoke about it before. Even if others don't understand it, 478 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,040 Speaker 1: at least you see the connection. 479 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:19,120 Speaker 2: I've had to keep. 480 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: Reminding myself of that, honestly, of my why all the time, 481 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,440 Speaker 1: because you know, like I said, I do get a 482 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,880 Speaker 1: lot of judgment in my life. And I'm not saying 483 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,199 Speaker 1: that for sympathy, because I also understand that it is 484 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,280 Speaker 1: part and parcel of choosing to be seen online, but 485 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,720 Speaker 1: for me not to constantly be eaten up by all 486 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:37,760 Speaker 1: these judgments and change who I am every five seconds, 487 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: and it affects my self worth constantly because, by the way, 488 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,280 Speaker 1: it has for a really long time, I've had to 489 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,560 Speaker 1: constantly remind myself or what my thread is, what my 490 00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,920 Speaker 1: value is, what my trunk is, because even if they 491 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,879 Speaker 1: don't see it or understand why I'm doing anything I'm doing, 492 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:53,880 Speaker 1: at least I do. 493 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,680 Speaker 2: At least I have this constant focus. 494 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,359 Speaker 1: I have these branches that are coming off that people 495 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: may not see are linked to this trunk. 496 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:03,480 Speaker 2: But I do. I know it's linked. 497 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,600 Speaker 1: And I've had so many times where people have said 498 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,480 Speaker 1: something and it's really made me realize, I don't know 499 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,359 Speaker 1: why I did it, and I don't know why I 500 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,760 Speaker 1: ended up doing this thing and or why I didn't 501 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,080 Speaker 1: do it, and it became a point of reflection for 502 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 1: me too that I need to constantly keep coming back 503 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 1: to my core, my thread, that I need to know 504 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 1: what that is, what is this route purpose that I 505 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,840 Speaker 1: am doing all of this for. So if someone else 506 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: doesn't see it, at least I do. At least I 507 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 1: have that constant point to come back to. The Next 508 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 1: exercise I want you to do is write down three 509 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 1: things that you really wouldn't let's slide to show yourself 510 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,160 Speaker 1: that there are things that you don't actually care about 511 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,800 Speaker 1: what others thing. So, for example, what I mean by 512 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,639 Speaker 1: that is when I did this exercise, I know that 513 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,119 Speaker 1: there are a few things when no matter what, I 514 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,959 Speaker 1: will not change my opinion about. So for example, if 515 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,480 Speaker 1: someone spoke about my family, it's a no go. There's 516 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,080 Speaker 1: not me buying my tongue. I'm not going to be polite, 517 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: no matter who is. No matter what happens, I don't 518 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 1: care what the person thinks of me or what their 519 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: perception of me is. In that moment, I'm defending them 520 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,480 Speaker 1: till the better end. And you will not be saying 521 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:09,399 Speaker 1: anything about my family, especially my grandma. Or if someone 522 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,199 Speaker 1: pusses me for being vegan. That is a deep value 523 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,280 Speaker 1: that I have a strong whiy for. So if someone 524 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,919 Speaker 1: says something dumb about that, or someone says something rude, 525 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,040 Speaker 1: I will never hold back why because they are deep 526 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,600 Speaker 1: rooted values of mine. And so when I thought about 527 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:25,919 Speaker 1: it in that way, I was like, that showed me 528 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 1: that I am capable of standing my ground and my beliefs, 529 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,399 Speaker 1: and I appreciate those part of me. 530 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,119 Speaker 2: So the mix of those two things. 531 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:37,320 Speaker 1: A strong belief and appreciating that belief would allow me 532 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,639 Speaker 1: to stand my ground more and care less about the 533 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,159 Speaker 1: thoughts of other people in those areas. So if I 534 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,480 Speaker 1: apply that same concept to everything else, then I'll really 535 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: not be affected so much by what other people think 536 00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 1: about any area of my life. The next thing is 537 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,440 Speaker 1: practice perspective. When you're next worrying about what other people think, 538 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:55,960 Speaker 1: take yourself and go ask yourself those four questions we 539 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 1: just spoke about before, though, Why do I care? 540 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 2: Why do I want them to like me? 541 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,400 Speaker 1: Does their opinion of me trigger me because it's something 542 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 1: I need to work on? And are they someone whose 543 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 1: opinion I value in that area of my life? 544 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,680 Speaker 2: So go back through and ask yourself those four questions 545 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:12,959 Speaker 2: to really gain perspective. 546 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 1: And also think about this, when you're gaining perspective, how 547 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,720 Speaker 1: much will what they think of me matter in a week, 548 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,959 Speaker 1: in a month, in a year, in a decade, at 549 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,400 Speaker 1: the end of time, when I'm sitting on my deathbed, 550 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: is am I really going to be worried about what 551 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:29,919 Speaker 1: they think about me? That they unfollowed me because I 552 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: posted something or didn't post something. 553 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,520 Speaker 2: No, I probably won't be. And that one really. 554 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,560 Speaker 1: Helps me to snap out of worrying about what others 555 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 1: think of me. I'm like, in my dying moments, will 556 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,680 Speaker 1: their opinion of me really matter? It may right now, 557 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,280 Speaker 1: but will it then? And the last thing is experiment 558 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: what it feels like to experience disapproval, to really sit 559 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,800 Speaker 1: with it, to not explain yourself. Oh my goodness, that's 560 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,600 Speaker 1: such a hard one for me. I want to like 561 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 1: just explain myself to everybody. Every time someone has like 562 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,919 Speaker 1: a view of me that I'm like, why do they 563 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,919 Speaker 1: think that of me? There's trying to write out a 564 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 1: full message or a voice note, trying to understand or 565 00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:07,680 Speaker 1: explain myself of why I did what they think I did, 566 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,400 Speaker 1: whatever it is, But try and sit through it once. 567 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,720 Speaker 1: Sit in that discomfort of not being liked, or sit 568 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,159 Speaker 1: in that discomfort of someone's opinion of you being completely wrong, 569 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:20,360 Speaker 1: of someone having the wrong perception of you? How does 570 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,919 Speaker 1: that feel after a day, after a week, after a month, 571 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,679 Speaker 1: And you might just realize it's not that bad, Or 572 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,359 Speaker 1: you might find yourself sending out a whole lot of 573 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,239 Speaker 1: voice notes and a whole lot of text messages. Either way, 574 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: at least you'll find out whether it actually is something 575 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,080 Speaker 1: that matters to you. 576 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:37,240 Speaker 2: So, actually, you. 577 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,800 Speaker 1: Don't need to focus on how to stop caring about 578 00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: what people think of you. I think that's a very 579 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,320 Speaker 1: natural thought, So we're. 580 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,199 Speaker 2: Not really trying to do that. 581 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,760 Speaker 1: What we need to focus on is building foundations and 582 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,280 Speaker 1: values and understanding you so what others say about you 583 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: doesn't shake you as much. 584 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,040 Speaker 2: I read this and I thought it was really beautiful. 585 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:57,879 Speaker 1: It says, your fear of criticism is an unchecked need 586 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,560 Speaker 1: for love and approval from all the wrong places. If 587 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,960 Speaker 1: we don't love and approve ourself, we will first look 588 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,960 Speaker 1: for it from others, whilst second simultaneously believing we don't 589 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,440 Speaker 1: deserve it and fearing that they are going to see 590 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,320 Speaker 1: us for who. 591 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:12,920 Speaker 2: We really are. 592 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,720 Speaker 1: So I hope that this podcast helps you to reflect 593 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,800 Speaker 1: on how incredible you are, the worst that you should 594 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:24,360 Speaker 1: have in yourself, how wonderful you are, and how there 595 00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 1: are very few people whose opinions should really matter to you, 596 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:31,879 Speaker 1: and think about that deeply, and whenever the next time 597 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 1: someone's opinion really gets to you, go through those four questions, 598 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,040 Speaker 1: go through those exercises and those practices, even just pick 599 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:41,120 Speaker 1: one that you think would help you the most. 600 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 2: And try and utilize that. 601 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:46,719 Speaker 1: Because I'm telling you, as someone who has experienced being 602 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:50,719 Speaker 1: and living in the perception of others, it is exhausting. 603 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,040 Speaker 1: It's not fun. You constantly feel like you don't know 604 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,600 Speaker 1: who you are. You'll constantly have moments of feeling lonely 605 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,159 Speaker 1: even when you have friends. Because all we want to 606 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,199 Speaker 1: be is not accept We want to be accepted for 607 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 1: who we actually are, not who people think we are. 608 00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,159 Speaker 1: And so even if you do get accepted as this 609 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,400 Speaker 1: other version of yourself, it will never feel fulfilling at all. 610 00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:13,480 Speaker 1: When we get to be authentic and then be accepted, 611 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,679 Speaker 1: that's all we're really looking for. And so build those foundations, 612 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 1: figure out those values that you have, like go through 613 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,120 Speaker 1: all of these things, because not only will it help 614 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,560 Speaker 1: with the opinions of others, it will also help with 615 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,879 Speaker 1: you loving yourself a little bit more and valuing yourself 616 00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,600 Speaker 1: a little bit more. And you know, I think sometimes 617 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,960 Speaker 1: we can feel like that sounds so egotistical too, that 618 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,560 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I just want you just telling us. 619 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,320 Speaker 2: To start like bigging ourselves up. 620 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,760 Speaker 1: But actually I love to see myself as an instrument 621 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 1: of God, as an instrument of the universe. And so 622 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,240 Speaker 1: everything that we have been given is a gift from God, 623 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,520 Speaker 1: and so how can we not appreciate it, How can 624 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:51,400 Speaker 1: we not find worth in it? 625 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 2: Because we are here for a reason. 626 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 1: God has given us these gifts, these skills, these attributes 627 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:57,680 Speaker 1: for a reason. 628 00:28:57,680 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 2: And so how dare we not appreciate them. 629 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 1: How dare we not see them and notice them and 630 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 1: recognize them and see the worth in them? And you 631 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: have to remember, the opinions of others are based on 632 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: this tiny, little minuscule crumb that they get to see 633 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: of you, the tiniest crumb, And so we can either 634 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,520 Speaker 1: live our life trying to let them see the full 635 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,520 Speaker 1: version of ourself, or if there's someone who makes perceptions 636 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,800 Speaker 1: based on a tiny crumb, then they may not be 637 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:30,400 Speaker 1: worth having in your life. This came from I'm going 638 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,480 Speaker 1: to leave you guys with this. It says it's from 639 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,960 Speaker 1: just Talp's prayer, and I'm not sure what that is, 640 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,200 Speaker 1: but it was lovely. I do my thing and you 641 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,360 Speaker 1: do your thing. I'm not in this world to live 642 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:42,720 Speaker 1: up to your expectations, and you're not in this world 643 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:43,600 Speaker 1: to live up to mine. 644 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,720 Speaker 2: You are you, and I am I, And if. 645 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,840 Speaker 1: Our true versions of ourselves happen to connect, then magic 646 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:50,479 Speaker 1: will happen. 647 00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 2: I did that last line, but that's really the essence. 648 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,080 Speaker 1: I do my thing, You do your thing. I'm not 649 00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,600 Speaker 1: in this world to live up to your expectations, and 650 00:29:58,640 --> 00:29:59,960 Speaker 1: you are not in this world to live up to 651 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:00,440 Speaker 1: a mine. 652 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:03,640 Speaker 2: You are you and I am I, and. 653 00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,840 Speaker 1: If our true versions of ourselves happen to connect, then 654 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 1: magic will happen. 655 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:10,680 Speaker 2: I hope you will have such. 656 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 1: A wonderful, wonderful day and don let the opinions of 657 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,880 Speaker 1: others ruin what could be a wonderful, wonderful life. 658 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,120 Speaker 2: Thanks guys, and I'll see you next time.