WEBVTT - Shame No More: Body Image, Miscarriage and Parenting w/ Melanie Lynskey 0:00:01.639 --> 0:00:04.520 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda Land Audio 0:00:04.600 --> 0:00:08.480 in partnership with I Heart Radio. Does your daughter have 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:13.640 a New Zealand esque accent? On some Woods? She goes 0:00:14.320 --> 0:00:18.560 like she says horse for horse, you know, she says 0:00:18.600 --> 0:00:21.120 horse and stuff like that in some Woods. But then 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:26.840 she has this little like Californian accent. She's like, she's like, yeah, bro, 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:31.680 big surf bro like yeah yeah, And she says funny 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:36.519 things like we were going home and we've turned up 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:40.360 a particular street and she goes, now we're on Fairfax. 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:53.240 Nothing can stop us. That's the hello, everybody, and welcome 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:57.520 back to Katie's Crib. Today's guest is a dear friend 0:00:57.560 --> 0:01:00.760 of mine, an awesome mom, and when she won the 0:01:00.800 --> 0:01:04.920 Critics Choice Award for Yellow Jackets this year, she did 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:08.920 a special shout out to her nanny and something went 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:10.679 off in my head and finally clicked, and I was like, 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:13.119 how came. Melanielynsky has not been on Katie's Crib yet, 0:01:13.800 --> 0:01:16.080 so I reached out and it's an awesome episode where 0:01:16.120 --> 0:01:20.360 we talked about raising a toddler, work life, balance, body image, 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:24.280 self identity, and her daughter's New Zealand accent when saying 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:28.760 some words. If you don't know Melanie Lynsky, please go 0:01:28.880 --> 0:01:31.600 run and watch Yellow Jackets right now. She's amazing on it. 0:01:31.880 --> 0:01:33.360 But let me tell you a little bit about her. 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:36.800 She's a New Zealand actress. She was cast opposite Drew 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.679 Barrymore in Ever After, a Cinderella Story. She had parts 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.880 in Coyote, Ugly, Sweet Home, Alabama, Clean Eastwood's Flags of 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:47.440 Our Fathers. In recent years, she has emerged as one 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:50.840 of the industry's most celebrated actors, gaining recognition for her 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:53.600 performances in Don't Look Up, The Perks of Being a 0:01:53.600 --> 0:01:58.000 Wallflower and Sam Mendez is Away We Go. On television, 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:01.920 Melanie has worked her scene steal magic in such shows 0:02:01.920 --> 0:02:04.639 like CBS is Two and a Half Men, the HBO 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:08.560 dramay Togetherness, which I absolutely loved, and of course, Showtime's 0:02:08.639 --> 0:02:11.960 Yellow Jackets, one of my favorite shows of last season. 0:02:12.520 --> 0:02:15.520 Melanie collected Critics Choice Award for Best Actress in a 0:02:15.600 --> 0:02:18.360 Drama Series for her portrayal of Shawna on Yellow Jackets, 0:02:18.360 --> 0:02:22.919 and she just recently received Emmy nomination for her performance. 0:02:22.919 --> 0:02:25.239 I'm freaking out and so excited for her. I love 0:02:25.280 --> 0:02:33.519 her she deserves all the things. Welcome to Katie's Crib, Melanie. Hi, 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:38.240 I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy to 0:02:38.320 --> 0:02:43.920 see you. I know, I'm so grateful to have this 0:02:43.919 --> 0:02:47.720 this time with you because I think, when I think 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:50.280 is so funny, I feel like you don't even know 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:55.320 how much you are helping moms, Like I've I sent 0:02:55.720 --> 0:03:00.720 your Critics Choice speech to like every mother I know, 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:05.360 and also like all the press you've done, and I 0:03:05.440 --> 0:03:09.880 just don't even think you understand the effect of amazing 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:13.320 nous you're having on people who are moms in the industry. 0:03:13.720 --> 0:03:19.360 So sweet, Thanks, Listen. Did you know you always wanted 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:22.600 to be a mom on some level? I think, but 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:24.480 in the oldest of five and I had a lot 0:03:24.480 --> 0:03:29.040 of responsibility growing up, so it was never something where 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:32.040 I was like, oh, I can't wait, like a I 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:35.400 sort of I wanted to live my life and and 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:42.279 do stuff. But then once I knew, I really knew, knew. Yeah, 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:45.680 do you think part of that was meeting For me, 0:03:45.760 --> 0:03:49.400 it was meeting Adam. Like I felt like I knew 0:03:49.440 --> 0:03:51.520 I needed to have a partner that was going to 0:03:51.600 --> 0:03:54.200 be super involved in order for me to do it. 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:57.280 And then Once I met Adam, I was like, oh, yeah, 0:03:57.360 --> 0:04:00.360 we're doing this. Was that similar for you us? I 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:05.520 mean I was married before Jason to somebody wonderful who 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:10.960 I adore, and we were ambivalent about kids. We would 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:15.200 talk about it, but we both were pretty ambitious, and 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:18.159 I don't know, it just never was like at the 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:23.320 top of the list of priorities. And then we broke up. Jason, 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:30.280 when I meet him, was it was a bit wild. Um. 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:35.440 I told, you're listening, this is we're talking about Jason Ritter, 0:04:35.560 --> 0:04:38.599 who in his own right as literally I went to 0:04:38.720 --> 0:04:42.719 n y U with Jason. I honestly think the two 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:47.719 of you are the most talented actors and most wonderful 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:50.880 people coming together. When it became clear that you guys 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:55.039 were your people for each other, I was like, all 0:04:55.080 --> 0:05:00.320 as well, so sweet, I feel the same. I love 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:04.000 him so so so much. You know, when we met 0:05:04.040 --> 0:05:07.760 each other, we had both been in long relationships and 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:11.400 it wasn't like an immediate like this is the thing 0:05:11.560 --> 0:05:15.159 and it's all working out and flowers and rainbows like. 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:21.760 It was very like stopping starting craziness. And I think 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:24.240 there was a time, you know, I have this elderly 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.960 dog that I shared with Jimmy, my ex husband, and 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:32.320 she was really really sick at a certain point. And Jason, 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:35.880 it was a couple of years into our relationship. He 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:38.279 would get up in the night to take her to 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:42.520 pay five six times because she was so old and 0:05:42.560 --> 0:05:44.520 she didn't know. She thought she had to pee all 0:05:44.520 --> 0:05:46.440 the time. She would go wander around the yard and 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:49.680 come back in. And this dog was I have her 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:53.400 tattooed on my body. She's like my baby. But it 0:05:53.400 --> 0:05:56.120 would drive me nuts. I would be so tired, like, 0:05:56.160 --> 0:05:59.080 oh my god. And I just realized at a certain point, Oh, 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:04.080 this man's patient is infinite, and he's so loving and 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:08.840 he's so attentive to this elderly dog and he can 0:06:08.880 --> 0:06:10.480 get up six times in the night and go right 0:06:10.480 --> 0:06:12.120 back to sleep. And I was like, this is like 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:15.920 dad material, Like I just yeah this. Yeah. He was 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:18.800 starting to settle down and be a little bit less crazy, 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:20.719 and it was very good with this old dog. And 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:23.920 I was like, Okay, I think this could I think 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:27.560 we could work. Yeah, because I felt the same. I 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:30.560 needed a partner, like I knew I needed like a partner. 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:34.400 Did you? So you've come out on the record, You've 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:38.280 said that you actually had a miscarriage. I had one 0:06:38.320 --> 0:06:41.799 as well, and it's never talked about. Would you mind 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:48.120 taking us back to that time, how you felt, um 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:52.000 and what that experience was like for you. Well, I 0:06:52.120 --> 0:06:54.719 had a miscarrite after I was pregnant with my daughter. 0:06:55.480 --> 0:07:00.120 My daughter was like eighteen months old. Um, we and 0:07:00.160 --> 0:07:05.640 I got pregnant again and I was breastfeeding her, and 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:10.600 I was so excited, like, you know, it took. I 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:12.640 got pregnant with my daughter was in the first month 0:07:12.680 --> 0:07:16.240 of us trying, and then I got pregnant with this 0:07:16.360 --> 0:07:18.200 next one within the first month of us trying, and 0:07:18.240 --> 0:07:20.360 I was just like, oh my gosh, We're so lucky, 0:07:20.560 --> 0:07:25.280 you know. I was in my forties and everything looked great, 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:28.360 and I had an ultrasound and there was a little 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:31.679 heartbeat and my levels were great. I had horrible morning sickness. 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.920 Everyone was like, that's a great sign. And then I 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:38.560 was going to do a CVS test to make sure 0:07:38.560 --> 0:07:42.320 everything was okay, and the CVS people said, okay, before 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:43.720 you come, and can you just go back to your 0:07:43.720 --> 0:07:46.840 doctor and get like an actual gestational You haven't got 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:50.080 like a proper record, so just have one more ultrasound. 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:52.600 So we know exactly went to book your cvs for 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:56.960 because it happens around twelve weeks. And I went back 0:07:57.000 --> 0:07:59.680 to my doctor and there just wasn't a heartbeat anymore. 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:04.600 It was a it was a big surprise, um, and 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:07.480 I had like thrown up that morning. I still felt horrible. 0:08:08.680 --> 0:08:13.080 It was interesting to discover how people just don't know 0:08:13.120 --> 0:08:16.040 how to talk about it. And that was when I 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:18.040 was like, Okay, I think I'm going to talk about that. 0:08:18.360 --> 0:08:20.440 I think I'm going to be public about it, because 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:26.000 people just are not equipped to help each other through it. 0:08:26.720 --> 0:08:28.640 There were women in my life who had been through 0:08:28.640 --> 0:08:35.079 it before and they were incredibly helpful, um some of them. 0:08:35.120 --> 0:08:37.439 And then some people just it reminded them too much 0:08:37.440 --> 0:08:40.640 of their own experience, and some people were kind of like, 0:08:40.720 --> 0:08:43.680 that's not a big deal. You already have one, you know, 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:46.560 like this kind of thing, and so I just was like, 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:48.320 I think the more it's sort of like out in 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:54.120 the open, the better, you know. I completely agree, and 0:08:54.160 --> 0:08:56.880 I'm so I mean, it was it was one of 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:59.880 the many reasons I was I was hoping you could 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:02.360 on Katie's cribin talk about it, because I do think 0:09:02.400 --> 0:09:06.720 a lot of people aren't open about miscarriage. One in 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:12.040 four pregnancies do result in miscarriage, and it is still 0:09:12.160 --> 0:09:15.760 even in today's day and age, shrouded in shame and 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:19.280 like just get over it, get on with it. Why 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:22.560 is it a big deal? Um? Also, there's a lot 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:25.400 of talk, well, how far along were you was it? 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:27.920 You know, here's a lot of like mine is worse 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:32.360 than yours, or you know, I was so fucking rocked 0:09:32.520 --> 0:09:37.480 by it. I couldn't believe it. I was almost putting 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:40.480 that sort of shame on myself, like get over it. 0:09:40.600 --> 0:09:43.120 Like I had a d n C on a Saturday 0:09:43.120 --> 0:09:45.520 and on Monday, I was on set and like I 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:49.480 e though, was sobbing out of nowhere for three months? 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:54.600 How did you feel mentally emotionally after the experience. I 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:56.840 felt crazy And I had a similar thing where I 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:59.360 was like, I don't think I'm supposed to be feeling 0:09:59.400 --> 0:10:02.360 this much, because you know, I when I found out 0:10:03.480 --> 0:10:06.600 I was I've been pregnant for ten and a half weeks, 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:09.280 I guess, you know. And they thought that maybe the 0:10:09.480 --> 0:10:11.680 heart beat had stopped like a week before or something 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:15.480 like that. So people lose pregnancies a lot later than that, 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:19.160 and I did the same thing where I was like, Okay, 0:10:19.240 --> 0:10:23.760 get on with it, but physically my body was just 0:10:23.800 --> 0:10:28.720 like no, you know, it felt like a very big deal. 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:32.440 I first of all, I gained a lot of weight 0:10:32.440 --> 0:10:35.640 when I was pregnant, I think because I was breastfeeding 0:10:35.760 --> 0:10:37.720 and the hormones, and I think my body was just like, 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:41.240 what's going on. You're still breastfeeding and now we're growing 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:45.320 another And I didn't change the way I was eating 0:10:45.440 --> 0:10:47.600 or anything like that. Every day I was saying that Jason, like, 0:10:47.640 --> 0:10:51.080 oh my god, I look at my body. What's happening. 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:53.040 Like just every day it was just sort of like 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:55.840 growing and growing and all he can see is boobs. 0:10:55.840 --> 0:11:02.880 So no one here, one's complaining here. Yeah, He's like great, 0:11:03.000 --> 0:11:06.199 and I'm like but and so that was like an 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:10.160 interesting thing. Like after I lost the pregnancy, I felt 0:11:10.200 --> 0:11:14.600 like I had this sort of physical reminder on my 0:11:14.720 --> 0:11:19.839 body of what I was growing because everyone was like, oh, 0:11:19.880 --> 0:11:21.719 your brisk feet, the white's going to drop off to 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:25.400 Oh my god. I have truly never heard more of 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:28.800 a line of bullshit in my entire life. It actually 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:34.320 was true for me. I did not have that I'm 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:36.240 still breastfeeding and I want to talk to you about this. 0:11:36.280 --> 0:11:40.000 I'm still breastfeeding my daughter. She's twenty months. I'm dying 0:11:40.040 --> 0:11:43.440 to hear about how you weaned because I I've never 0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:47.000 had this experience before. So wait, hold on back to you. 0:11:47.080 --> 0:11:51.600 So your breastfeeding, you get pregnant easily again, You've got 0:11:51.640 --> 0:11:56.120 pregnant easily the first time. The pregnancy did you end 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:58.200 up having if you don't mind, did you have a 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:01.200 d n C or was it I did? Yeah, I 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:04.760 did have to have a DNC and then I bled 0:12:04.880 --> 0:12:08.880 every day like a heavy period for three months. Come on, 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:13.200 and I remember calling like my doctor and they, you know, 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:16.520 he was away, so there was someone like, you know, 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:19.280 filling in for him. And she was like the blood 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:22.440 plots bigger than a fist and I was like no, 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:27.400 but like like the size of a pot, like my palm, 0:12:27.480 --> 0:12:29.560 and she was like that's okay. And I just was 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:32.560 like what. I didn't have any frame of reference for 0:12:32.640 --> 0:12:37.200 what was normal, And at a certain point, like three 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:39.640 months into that, every single day I was like, this 0:12:39.679 --> 0:12:43.600 isn't normal. I'm so tired. I could barely do anything. 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:47.319 I was grieving and not knowing what was okay, Like 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:50.560 how much I was allowed to grieve. My body felt 0:12:51.840 --> 0:12:54.600 foreign to me, like I should have still been carrying 0:12:54.679 --> 0:12:59.720 this thing. It just it was horrible. The whole experience 0:12:59.760 --> 0:13:04.920 was horrible emotionally. You know, there were days where I 0:13:04.960 --> 0:13:07.360 was like, I don't want to get out of bed today. 0:13:08.120 --> 0:13:11.040 But you know, when you have a little person to 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:16.120 take care of, you have to. Yeah, Wow, after three 0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:19.480 months of bleeding, did you call a doctor and be 0:13:19.600 --> 0:13:23.360 like is this ever going to stop? Did it stop? Like? 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:27.520 How did that resolve? I had to have another operation. 0:13:27.559 --> 0:13:30.080 I went and had a sailing ultrasound, which I would 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:33.560 not wish upon my worst enemy. I've never even heard 0:13:33.600 --> 0:13:35.360 of that. What the fund is that I've never even 0:13:35.360 --> 0:13:37.280 heard of that. They have to look at your uterus 0:13:37.280 --> 0:13:39.480 and see exactly what's happening inside, but they fill it 0:13:39.520 --> 0:13:44.160 with sailing first. So this is a lot of information 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:51.840 and I hope it's okay, but but yes, yes, yes, 0:13:51.960 --> 0:13:57.880 so they insert some fucking medieval torture device that pumps sailing. Okay, great, great, great, 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:02.600 And the doctor was absolutely lovely. Um, but you know, 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:04.680 I had to fill my uterus with ceilne and the 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:09.640 moment they put like something in to fill it, all 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:12.200 this blood fell out like old blood that had just 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:15.120 been collected in my uterus. I heard like a splash. 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:19.600 People jumped back like I was carrying all this extra 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:23.520 like blood around. I was like, no, wonder, I'm bleeding 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:25.640 every day and I'm so tired. So I had another 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:30.520 operation to take everything else out Melanie, and then I 0:14:30.560 --> 0:14:33.320 don't know, I have not been able to get pregnant 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:36.240 again since then. And we tried to do IVF and 0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:39.120 that didn't really you know, it goes so well and 0:14:39.120 --> 0:14:44.200 then it's just more hormones and just it's it's rough, 0:14:44.440 --> 0:14:46.520 and it's so hard on your body. I mean, the 0:14:46.560 --> 0:14:51.320 fertility journey is so it's so hard on your body. 0:14:51.440 --> 0:14:56.040 When there is no miscarriage, no IVF, no hormone injections, 0:14:56.040 --> 0:15:01.160 no saline bags, and then to have all of that 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:05.800 is just I mean, it's you feel like a crazy person, 0:15:06.000 --> 0:15:08.640 like you just really do. Yeah, you feel like a 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:13.800 crazy person, you know. And then we tried to do 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:16.560 three rounds of i V. If that didn't really work out. 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:21.400 That was when I stopped breastfeeding. By the way, we decided, okay, 0:15:21.480 --> 0:15:24.120 so to try to avoid having another miscarriage, maybe we'll 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:28.040 try to make some embryos an implant and um, I 0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:31.600 couldn't get enough eggs. But the night before I started 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:34.200 my MIDS for I v IF, I was like, Ohen, 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:38.720 breastfeeding is okay? Right? Like my daughter was twenty two months? 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:42.720 And what they say? They were like, no, fuck, they said, no, 0:15:43.360 --> 0:15:45.320 what did you do? Of course it's not you have 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.320 to stop. I had to stop, like ko tuki, this 0:15:48.440 --> 0:15:51.240 child who was like what did you can? You can? 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:54.040 You can? You tell me? Okay? So for twenty two months? 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:57.320 Did you breastfeed on demand? I know that you take 0:15:57.400 --> 0:16:00.000 her to work? Did you pomp? What did the breastfeed 0:16:00.680 --> 0:16:04.040 while working? Look like I did pump. But she would 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:06.560 never want a bottle. So most of the time she 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:10.400 was in my trailer and I just would go go 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:12.520 there every time I had a break. You know, she 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:14.720 wasn't on a very strict schedule. At a certain point, 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:19.000 she's eating food, She's fine. She just wants to come. Yes, yes, yes, 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:24.560 have have baby. But you know I was feeding all night. 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:28.560 I know she's so cute baby, but I was feeding 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:30.680 all night. We would like lie in bed together and 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:34.000 she just could like have baby whenever she wanted. I 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:38.120 was very tired, fucking entire neupert star of a mother. 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:41.320 I don't even understand. So how did you fabulary? What 0:16:41.440 --> 0:16:45.480 vocabulary did you use? When okay, they want to do 0:16:45.720 --> 0:16:48.200 you're doing IVF? They say, oh, guess what, like all 0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:50.240 these hormones that you're about to shoot into your body? 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:53.120 You can no longer breastfeed. You just did your last feed. 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:57.320 How did you explain to her that baby was no more? 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:03.200 Came home and I said, listen, we have to have 0:17:03.240 --> 0:17:07.919 a conversation about baby. I said for two weeks. We 0:17:08.000 --> 0:17:09.840 kind of have baby for two weeks, because that was 0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:11.960 how long they told me. They said, you can go 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:14.159 back to it if you still have milk. I was like, 0:17:14.200 --> 0:17:18.399 oh my god. Um so she just she was like 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:23.280 two weeks, like Greg crabbing onto my first two weeks 0:17:24.520 --> 0:17:26.239 and I just said like, I'm so sorry. And then 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:27.639 we had a lot of time to give it a 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:30.200 nine and lots of cuddles, and then the next day 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:32.720 I just had to say, okay, I'm so sorry. It 0:17:32.880 --> 0:17:35.760 was really but then after two weeks she just didn't 0:17:35.760 --> 0:17:38.359 go back to it. And did you miss it or 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:42.040 did you feel like in a way My son at 0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:46.159 his one year birthday Adam and I were doing Waitress 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:51.080 the musical and I got MERSA, which is a deadly 0:17:51.200 --> 0:17:54.800 staff infection, and the dermatologist called me and said, oh, 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:57.159 you just had your last breastfeed. You have to go 0:17:57.240 --> 0:18:01.040 on so many different kinds of antibiotics that we cannot 0:18:02.400 --> 0:18:05.080 figure like there's no time to figure out which ones 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:09.119 are breastfeeding safe. Like year note, Oh my god, And 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:11.639 I was sobbing. But I remember in the back of 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:16.919 my head being a little bit relieved in that the 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:20.800 choice was made for me. And now I'm in this 0:18:20.920 --> 0:18:25.600 situation where my daughter's twenty months. I'm feeling like I'm 0:18:25.680 --> 0:18:27.960 kind of at the end of my rope and she 0:18:28.320 --> 0:18:31.760 would probably breastfeed till she's five, and I just don't 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:36.080 know what to do. And I and I've sort of 0:18:36.080 --> 0:18:38.280 been saying like I've gotten it down to like two 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:40.560 ft a day, and she's pulling at my shirt and 0:18:40.600 --> 0:18:43.440 she's screaming at my chest and she wants the comfort. 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:46.840 And I feel like a fucking horrible mother, and I 0:18:46.880 --> 0:18:48.960 say to her, no, it's not available right now where 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:50.639 you can have it at night before we go to 0:18:50.680 --> 0:18:55.240 bed um. But I'm going away on a trip to 0:18:55.480 --> 0:19:00.119 New York, and I'm thinking about maybe coming back and 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:04.000 being like it's gone, but I'm terrified and I don't 0:19:04.040 --> 0:19:05.640 know what I'm doing and I don't know why I'm 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:09.439 making this choice, and it feels wrong but right, and 0:19:09.600 --> 0:19:12.280 I don't know. I just wish a doctor was telling 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:15.919 me like you're done, or she was saying I'm not 0:19:16.040 --> 0:19:21.160 interested anymore, like, yeah, I understand. Did you feel like 0:19:21.880 --> 0:19:24.080 it got you out of it or were you bummed? 0:19:24.200 --> 0:19:27.160 And like, I really wanted to take this through much longer. 0:19:27.800 --> 0:19:31.800 I wanted her to choose, But realistically, I think she's 0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:34.919 probably similar to your daughter and that I don't know 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:38.359 if that day would ever have come. Like she's still 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:42.840 cuddles with me, and like very much loves baby, you know, 0:19:43.040 --> 0:19:46.680 she's three and a half now, talks about baby all 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:50.960 the time. One time I told her if I was 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:54.640 to have another baby, I would like breastfeeding that baby, 0:19:55.000 --> 0:19:57.400 and she was like, oh, she's very excited to hear 0:19:57.440 --> 0:20:01.080 that the baby might come back coming back, and she's like, 0:20:02.800 --> 0:20:07.200 and then I can have baby. And I was like, well, yeah, 0:20:07.640 --> 0:20:12.800 it's so hard to know, like what the boundaries are, 0:20:13.240 --> 0:20:15.000 you know, but it's your body. You have to do 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:17.240 what feels right for you in twenty two months. It's 0:20:17.280 --> 0:20:20.800 a really long time. It's a really long time. I 0:20:20.840 --> 0:20:22.959 did feel relieved in a way that it was just 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:36.800 like we're done that chapters over and she was fine, Yeah, 0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:42.639 how is the embryo retrieval experience? And I v F 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:46.040 for you was it was it? I can't So that's 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:49.280 the hormone injections, and then you get put out and 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:53.160 they retrieve eggs and then it becomes this huge I've 0:20:53.200 --> 0:20:56.000 gone through it with so many friends and it all 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:58.080 depends on like the number, like I only got this, 0:20:58.280 --> 0:21:02.720 I only got that, and it's like, so was stressful. Yeah, 0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:05.199 well I froze my eggs when I was when I 0:21:05.280 --> 0:21:08.879 was thirty seven, and I had a great experience. I 0:21:08.920 --> 0:21:10.879 did it. I did two rounds and I got like 0:21:11.000 --> 0:21:15.760 thirteen sort of perfect, great healthy eggs. But then when 0:21:16.000 --> 0:21:18.600 we were like, well let's just you know, use those, 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:22.159 something happened. They don't know if it was when they 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:25.360 were frozen or when they were defrusted, but ten of 0:21:25.400 --> 0:21:30.960 them just were ruined, like couldn't be used. So that 0:21:31.080 --> 0:21:34.320 was a real Mamma, that was real, mamma, Are you 0:21:34.440 --> 0:21:38.920 kidding me? That my doctor was cried. When she told 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:41.119 me she cried. She said she's never seen it happen 0:21:41.160 --> 0:21:45.120 before in her entire career. She felt horrible. She said, 0:21:45.160 --> 0:21:47.840 nobody can explain what happened, just that they're you know, 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:53.640 so the three that survived fertilized, but two of them 0:21:53.720 --> 0:21:55.680 like it didn't look so good, and one of them 0:21:55.720 --> 0:21:58.760 looked okay. So she said, let's try to do some 0:21:58.800 --> 0:22:01.919 more rounds just so you can hopefully get more embryos 0:22:02.520 --> 0:22:05.120 and have have enough, you know, have just a bit 0:22:05.160 --> 0:22:08.760 of chance. But I just couldn't. I didn't even end 0:22:08.840 --> 0:22:11.920 up doing a retrieval that time because there weren't enough 0:22:12.000 --> 0:22:15.520 eggs to even father with a retrieval. And then I 0:22:15.560 --> 0:22:17.199 had to go and do don't look up. I had 0:22:17.200 --> 0:22:20.680 to go, and then I just started working. I looked 0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:22.440 into doing eggs and some of that, and how you 0:22:22.440 --> 0:22:26.320 would even manage the time that is needed to do 0:22:26.359 --> 0:22:29.240 the injections. Go to the doctors every single day, make 0:22:29.280 --> 0:22:32.440 sure that you're there on the date. Like with my schedules, 0:22:32.560 --> 0:22:35.480 nothing like yours. And I can't even imagine doing that. 0:22:36.280 --> 0:22:39.000 I wanted to talk to you about two now that 0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:42.840 I have a daughter. You mentioned I love this in 0:22:42.880 --> 0:22:45.000 a recent interview with Skim that it's hard to be 0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:48.320 a size ten next to a size zero. And I 0:22:48.359 --> 0:22:50.280 get it because I'm also a ten. And I want 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:54.480 to know, having been through your having your daughter and 0:22:54.560 --> 0:22:57.520 having a miscarriage after and then all of your fertility 0:22:57.600 --> 0:23:00.360 journey which reeks havoc on your body, can you talk 0:23:00.480 --> 0:23:03.480 to me about body image for you now? And how 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:05.760 do you talk about that ship with your daughter around. 0:23:06.560 --> 0:23:10.800 I try to not criticize myself. You know, Jason and 0:23:10.840 --> 0:23:15.040 I are so close. He hears my every innermost thought. 0:23:15.760 --> 0:23:19.080 He just knows me better than anybody. So there are 0:23:19.160 --> 0:23:24.119 days when I feel horrible and I'll say it, but 0:23:24.200 --> 0:23:27.560 I really try to not ever let her hear me 0:23:27.680 --> 0:23:32.040 say that. And there's no such thing as like bad 0:23:32.119 --> 0:23:35.040 food or naughty things to eat or anything like that 0:23:35.119 --> 0:23:37.280 in the house. Like I want her to see me 0:23:37.320 --> 0:23:39.800 eating a lot of different stuff. I want her to 0:23:39.840 --> 0:23:42.360 eat a lot of different stuff. I try to talk 0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:46.159 about like how food makes you feel like you can't 0:23:46.520 --> 0:23:48.719 have a whole lot of sugar because you'll feel crazy 0:23:48.840 --> 0:23:50.879 and you're gonna get really you know, run around and 0:23:50.920 --> 0:23:54.760 then you get really tired. Um. So she has like 0:23:54.800 --> 0:23:58.560 one little sugary thing's one gummy worm a day. Love it. 0:23:58.760 --> 0:24:01.359 I know we're a jellybe He's like, I'm taking my 0:24:01.480 --> 0:24:06.000 five jelly beans because I'm gonna be five exactly. But 0:24:06.080 --> 0:24:09.880 I never wanted to be like restrictive calories. What how 0:24:10.240 --> 0:24:11.960 you know the impact it has on your body or 0:24:11.960 --> 0:24:15.919 anything like that. And honestly, like when I went to 0:24:16.760 --> 0:24:21.800