1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,240 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, 5 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, 6 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world, it is so great 7 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: as always to have you here, back for another episode 8 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: as we break down the psychology of our twenties. There 9 00:00:41,159 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 1: is no pain I think more unique and inexplainable than 10 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:51,160 Speaker 1: the pain of unreciprocated and unrequited love. It feels very misplaced. 11 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: It feels like a lot of people don't really understand 12 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,639 Speaker 1: what we're saying or what we're trying to communicate. When 13 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:00,279 Speaker 1: we say I love this person so deeply and they 14 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:02,040 Speaker 1: don't love me back, and I don't know how to 15 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,760 Speaker 1: move on. It is such a bizarre state to be in. 16 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 1: We're so used to heartbreak coming from a mutual affection, 17 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: or the pain of loving someone only occurring when they 18 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,320 Speaker 1: loved you back. But honestly, I think that it's just 19 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 1: as easy to be perhaps in love, obsessed, overwhelmed by 20 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:29,200 Speaker 1: your feelings for someone, even though they are completely one sided, 21 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 1: and in all honesty, I think it can really drive 22 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: us a bit mad. It can drive us to become 23 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,760 Speaker 1: someone that we never thought we'd be. It can drive 24 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,320 Speaker 1: us into a completely strange and confused mental state, not 25 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:42,919 Speaker 1: really knowing. 26 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:45,839 Speaker 2: Where to turn. But we do actually have a word 27 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 2: for this feeling. As confusing as it may be for 28 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 2: you right now, as chaotic as it may be, what 29 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 2: your feeling is limerens this involuntary or consuming sense of 30 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 2: love and obsession with somebody who doesn't feel the same 31 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 2: way about us. It's this attachment that we can't let 32 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:08,720 Speaker 2: go of, and it impacts us in so many ways, 33 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 2: and it impacts so many of us. But we, I think, 34 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,640 Speaker 2: just feel a little bit ashamed to talk about it, 35 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,359 Speaker 2: mainly because it feels so much like a love for us. 36 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:20,920 Speaker 2: But we kind of know that from the outside, or 37 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 2: to a stranger or a friend, it wouldn't look that way. 38 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 2: Maybe we think that we'd be called dramatic, or that 39 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 2: we're overreacting, we're too sensitive, we're romanticizing things too much. 40 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,640 Speaker 2: Whatever it is, we feel like there is no place 41 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 2: for this feeling, that it's not a valid one to have. 42 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 2: But I really do think that it is. I think 43 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 2: that it is actually a lot more normal than you 44 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,080 Speaker 2: would think, and that there is a lot of valid 45 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 2: explanations as to why we feel this, why so many 46 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,480 Speaker 2: of us find ourselves in this state. Let's bring that 47 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,960 Speaker 2: all out into the open today and really discuss what 48 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:01,440 Speaker 2: causes us to enter into this space of limerens. I 49 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,080 Speaker 2: have my own stories of limerens that will hopefully bring 50 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,920 Speaker 2: you some comfort as well. You know, when I was 51 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 2: twenty one, I spent about I honestly would have to say, 52 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 2: almost two years, maybe a year and a half, madly 53 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 2: in love with someone who was very clear he did 54 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 2: not feel the same way. And even after I kind 55 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,600 Speaker 2: of recovered from that, that continued into my mid twenties, 56 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 2: where I would meet people new people and immediately romanticize 57 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 2: a very grand future together. After the first date and 58 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,240 Speaker 2: even after the fifth, sixth, seventh date, when it became 59 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 2: clear that they were not thinking the same thing, I 60 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 2: just couldn't let it go. And I don't like to 61 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,160 Speaker 2: use the word crazy, but it did feel like I 62 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 2: was slowly going crazy, like this is not a normal response. 63 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,600 Speaker 2: The more that I've paid attention and learned about the 64 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:57,640 Speaker 2: evidence behind this, the studies, the psychology behind it. The 65 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:01,000 Speaker 2: more I realized that actually this was something that was 66 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:05,000 Speaker 2: driven by a much deeper need, a much deeper sensation, 67 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,920 Speaker 2: and a much deeper explanation. And now that I'm in 68 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 2: this like very healthy, happy relationship, I can kind of 69 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 2: find a balance between I wouldn't want to say, like 70 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:23,279 Speaker 2: calm and healthy love, but sustainable reciprocal love and this 71 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:28,279 Speaker 2: like all consuming passion. So let's talk about it today. 72 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,840 Speaker 2: I know it may be uncomfortable at times, but I 73 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,800 Speaker 2: do think that that innate and intense capacity to love 74 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 2: is something very beautiful and something that we can find 75 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,280 Speaker 2: a space for. We're going to break down exactly what 76 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 2: limerens is when it was first given a name, the 77 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 2: four stages of Limerens. I don't know if you know 78 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,600 Speaker 2: what those are. But also why it is that some 79 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:56,039 Speaker 2: of us just feel more intensely than others, what gets 80 00:04:56,120 --> 00:05:00,680 Speaker 2: us stuck in the cycle, and finally, how we can 81 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,320 Speaker 2: slowly find a pathway out of this state, how we 82 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,760 Speaker 2: can move on from unrequited love, even if that idea 83 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 2: feels quite painful right now, even if you feel like 84 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 2: you are relying on this person in this emotional state, 85 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: as a crutch, I promise that there is closure to 86 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,919 Speaker 2: be had, there is hope to be had, and hopefully 87 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,000 Speaker 2: this episode brings that to you. So I'm very excited, 88 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,280 Speaker 2: passionate about this subject actually, as a fellow person who 89 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 2: has been in a limberance state more than I can 90 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,360 Speaker 2: probably count. There is a lot to discuss and hopefully 91 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,920 Speaker 2: you learn something, hopefully you heal something without further ado, 92 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 2: let us get into the psychology of limerens. Even if 93 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,160 Speaker 2: you've never heard of the term limerence before, you've probably 94 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 2: experienced the sensation or seeing someone else experience it and 95 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 2: just not really had the label. Limmerens at face value, 96 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,200 Speaker 2: may be seen as a kind of unrequited love, where 97 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:07,240 Speaker 2: we feel intensely about someone who does not reciprocate. It 98 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 2: is a lot more than that, though, for the people 99 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:13,719 Speaker 2: who are experiencing it. It is a deep and sometimes 100 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:19,520 Speaker 2: intrusive obsession with this person, and it feels so so 101 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:25,480 Speaker 2: similar to passionate love, maybe even mutual love, but it 102 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:29,160 Speaker 2: has this melancholic undertone that you know this person doesn't 103 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,480 Speaker 2: feel the same way. You know this is not someone 104 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,800 Speaker 2: you can hold on to who will return the feelings, 105 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 2: and yet, despite that knowledge, there is not much that 106 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,359 Speaker 2: you feel is in your power that you can do 107 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 2: to move on. You may have tried many, many things, 108 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 2: none of it has really worked. So the term was 109 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 2: created by the psychologist Dorothy Tinov in nineteen seventy nine, 110 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,359 Speaker 2: so kind of actually a lot further back than you 111 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:59,560 Speaker 2: might expect. Dorothy is actually a really fascinating woman because 112 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 2: she's a great deal of her life basically wanting to 113 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,039 Speaker 2: understand love, the different kinds of love we experience, how 114 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 2: love differs between us, the science behind love, desire, compassion, passion, 115 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 2: all of those things. And it was through that kind 116 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 2: of scientific exploration and work that she started interviewing people 117 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 2: for her second book, which was very appropriately titled Love 118 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,880 Speaker 2: and Limeerates, and she interviewed over five hundred people on 119 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 2: the topic of love. She got their testimonials, she had 120 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:34,360 Speaker 2: them answer, you know, questionnaires, surveys, and from this extensive data, 121 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 2: what she saw was that there was the typical kind 122 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 2: of love that we would expect called amirates, where people 123 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,680 Speaker 2: are kind of equally in love with each other, they're 124 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 2: set on building a life together. It's very reciprocal. And 125 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 2: then she also identified this state of limerens, which she 126 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,200 Speaker 2: hadn't really you know, nobody had really given it a 127 00:07:55,320 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 2: label before. It was this combination of infatuation, love, sickness, 128 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,040 Speaker 2: passionate love, and what very much felt like romantic love 129 00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 2: to the people experiencing it. It just wasn't fulfilled. Actually, 130 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 2: most researchers would actually say that limerence has a lot 131 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,800 Speaker 2: in common with passionate love, and we should know that. 132 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 2: You know, the word passion initially meant agony, which kind 133 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 2: of goes to show that there is a lot of 134 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 2: agony in this situation. There is both a beauty and 135 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,840 Speaker 2: a pain kind of intertwined with this state of longing 136 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,040 Speaker 2: and love. In fact, actually there was further research on 137 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:38,040 Speaker 2: this kind of emotional experience which seems to determine that 138 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,840 Speaker 2: the very unattainable nature of our goal of being with 139 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:45,480 Speaker 2: this person is actually what makes the state of limerence 140 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 2: so powerful, the fact that we know deep down that 141 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 2: we can't have it. That is one explanation, and there's 142 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,840 Speaker 2: also the other explanation that because we are given occasional 143 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:00,840 Speaker 2: positive reinforcement. You know, someone looks at you across the room, 144 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,439 Speaker 2: they text you back every now and again, you get 145 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 2: to see them occasionally. That positive reinforcement actually keeps the 146 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 2: hope of your affection alive, you think that it might 147 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 2: eventually be realized. To further see this kind of inaction, 148 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,960 Speaker 2: this you know, state of longing that seems to contribute 149 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 2: to itself, that seems to grow on itself based on 150 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 2: occasional positive reinforcement. We also need to explain the four 151 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 2: stages of limerens, which are attraction, obsession, elation, and frustration, 152 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:38,800 Speaker 2: and finally resolution, which is not so much as a stage, 153 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,720 Speaker 2: I guess, but where we exit the cycle, where we 154 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:46,160 Speaker 2: finally heal or move on, which is very much possible. 155 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 2: I want to make sure that that is very clear 156 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,160 Speaker 2: and articulated. It is very much possible to move on 157 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 2: from limereates. Let's talk through these stages though. So Attraction 158 00:09:55,600 --> 00:10:01,400 Speaker 2: is when that kind of intoxicating spark first connect. Maybe 159 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,800 Speaker 2: it's a first date where you felt an instant bond 160 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 2: or particularly deep conversation, something that has emotionally connected you 161 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:12,439 Speaker 2: in a way that makes you see potential and really 162 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,160 Speaker 2: fall for this person. It feels again very similar to 163 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:21,040 Speaker 2: falling in love. The euphoria, the adrenaline constantly thinking about 164 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 2: this person, and what that leads to is obsession. Your 165 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 2: thoughts become consumed with this person at work, at school, 166 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 2: when you're driving, when you're with your friends, when you're 167 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,280 Speaker 2: zoning out, you're always kind of in this fantasy scenario 168 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,360 Speaker 2: or rethinking something that has occurred. You bring them up 169 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,560 Speaker 2: in conversation as often as possible. You're thinking about all 170 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 2: the ways that you could potentially see them this weekend. 171 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,079 Speaker 2: Their kind of words and actions are also constantly being 172 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 2: analyzed for signs of interest or rejection. You know, did 173 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 2: they text you back a little bit quicker today, did 174 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 2: they linger? Was that song on their Instagram story about you? 175 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,760 Speaker 2: Did they talk to you a little bit differently? Your 176 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 2: mood suddenly becomes heavily dependent on their perceived reactions to you. 177 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 2: This is when we kind of get to the state 178 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 2: of elation and frustration, otherwise known as kind of the 179 00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 2: emotional rollercoaster stage, which may be all familiar to some 180 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 2: of you. You kind of alternate between feeling infatuated and 181 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:35,360 Speaker 2: validated to exhausted and hopeless. It's been likened in this 182 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,280 Speaker 2: way to kind of an emotional drug addiction that is 183 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:45,040 Speaker 2: insatiable and uncontrollable. You have these crushing lows followed by 184 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:49,800 Speaker 2: these hugely euphoric highs, and you start to feel more 185 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 2: desperate for those highs, but also more distressed when you 186 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,840 Speaker 2: don't receive them, which I think is basically your mind 187 00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:59,920 Speaker 2: starting to pick up on the fact that this is 188 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 2: a state of longing, This is an inconsistent relationship, this 189 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 2: is an inconsistent bond, and it doesn't really know where 190 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,680 Speaker 2: to place, that doesn't really know what to do with 191 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 2: it because the pursuit the chase feels so addictive, and 192 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,920 Speaker 2: sometimes that state of elation and frustration, that state of 193 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:23,320 Speaker 2: longing can last up to you know, three years. That 194 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,440 Speaker 2: was one of the like, one of the figures that 195 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 2: really shocked me from this initial research was how sometimes 196 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:34,720 Speaker 2: it even outlasts love. Our state of limerens can outlast 197 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 2: the love that occurs in a relationship. But what we 198 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,520 Speaker 2: really and seriously need to start steering towards when we 199 00:12:42,559 --> 00:12:46,840 Speaker 2: get to that state three years of not much of nothing, 200 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,079 Speaker 2: of wishful thinking, that's when we really need to start 201 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 2: seeing a resolution. Either you know, I'm going to say 202 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,520 Speaker 2: the least likely possibility here, and I know it might 203 00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 2: be upsetting, but either you know, a mutual relationship does eventuate, 204 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,079 Speaker 2: which I do think is unlikely, or we do start 205 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 2: to see our link and our bond to them gradually fade. 206 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 2: Our brain basically is like, Okay, we need to find 207 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,200 Speaker 2: a way through this. We cannot stay in this state 208 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 2: for the next three, six, nine, twelve years. It gets 209 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:23,880 Speaker 2: bored of it, It gets bored of longing. Basically, no 210 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 2: matter what happens, we cannot stay in a perpetual state 211 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:31,360 Speaker 2: of longing for that long. Eventually, and hopefully this brings 212 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,760 Speaker 2: some hope and positivity here, we do kind of realize 213 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 2: that we deserve more. We do kind of want to 214 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 2: put our attention towards someone who is going to reciprocate 215 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,680 Speaker 2: our affection, our adoration, and our time. Something will trigger 216 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 2: you to move on. I remember this very clearly what 217 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 2: this was for me when I was in a limeerate 218 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 2: state a few years back, and I'd spent you know, 219 00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:01,680 Speaker 2: months basically like begging some universal higher power to like, 220 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 2: please please let me move on, Please let me see 221 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,280 Speaker 2: some clarity in this situation, Please let me be more 222 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,920 Speaker 2: logical about this. And I was genuinely desperate, and what 223 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 2: actually ended up helping me was I saw this person again. 224 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 2: I hadn't seen them in you know a while, probably 225 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:26,320 Speaker 2: over a year, and upon finally seeing them, I was 226 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,120 Speaker 2: just kind of like, oh my gosh, you are not 227 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 2: what I expected you to be. You are not who 228 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 2: I wanted you to be. I built up this whole fantasy, 229 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:39,360 Speaker 2: and I think it's ready that I, you know, give 230 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,800 Speaker 2: myself what I deserve and I try and process this. 231 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 2: And it did take a few more months, but it 232 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,720 Speaker 2: was one of those things where once I had the 233 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 2: opportunity to leave the situation and come back into it 234 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,680 Speaker 2: and see that it really wasn't a connection, it wasn't 235 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 2: anything more than infatuation an obsession on my behalf, I 236 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 2: was like, okay, I have permiss now to realize that 237 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 2: this is never going to eventuate and it's time to 238 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,960 Speaker 2: move on. There are a few other things to note 239 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,840 Speaker 2: about limerens, but you know, beyond just the four stages, 240 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 2: limerence is at its core involuntary. You cannot make or 241 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:21,360 Speaker 2: force yourself into a limberent, obsessive, infatuated state. It's almost 242 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 2: like there is some underlying pull towards this person how 243 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 2: you're feeling, and some would suggest that that's actually the 244 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 2: result of how dopamine and sarah tonin circuits are wired 245 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 2: in the brains of those who experienced limereates more often. 246 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:42,280 Speaker 2: Limerence has been related to addiction, and we know this 247 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,720 Speaker 2: from a series of studies conducted by the anthropologist Helen 248 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 2: Fisher and Helen Fisher she actually passed away last month, 249 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,760 Speaker 2: which is which is quite sad. I hope she's enjoying 250 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 2: whatever adventure you know awaits us in death, because you know, 251 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 2: she was a pretty remarkable lady. She was one of 252 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,680 Speaker 2: the first people to prove that love and with that 253 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,400 Speaker 2: limerence is hardwired into the brain. Her and her co 254 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:09,680 Speaker 2: authors basically drew on brain scan evidence that showed that 255 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,160 Speaker 2: romantic love is, you know, associated with dopamine, which is 256 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 2: associated with certain addictive I don't know if it's addictive cycles, 257 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:26,120 Speaker 2: but addictive underlying systems in the brain. And love can 258 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 2: be a positive addiction when it is required, and it's 259 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 2: a negative addiction when it's unrequited or inappropriate. And that 260 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 2: kind of explains why you know, when you are in 261 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:41,160 Speaker 2: a state of limerence, you are experiencing a negative addiction. 262 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 2: You're experiencing something you know deeper than your conscious awareness of, 263 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:52,400 Speaker 2: like a full dopamine system that is working against you 264 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 2: to keep you attached to this person. The second thing 265 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,840 Speaker 2: to notice that limerens sometimes does blind us to faults 266 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:02,040 Speaker 2: or flaws of the person that we desire. And there 267 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 2: was another series of studies conducted in nineteen ninety nine 268 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:10,560 Speaker 2: in which the main researcher found that the dominating similarity 269 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,960 Speaker 2: between people experiencing limerens was that no matter how hard 270 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 2: they tried, they just could not point out anything that 271 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 2: made this person unattractive, even when it was pointed out 272 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,480 Speaker 2: to them, even when it had to do with what 273 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:27,200 Speaker 2: this person was making them feel like, surely this person 274 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,720 Speaker 2: isn't all that great, considering you're pretty hung up on 275 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:34,280 Speaker 2: them and pretty upset and distressed and almost in agony. 276 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,360 Speaker 2: And they would say, oh, no, no, no, that's not them. 277 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,840 Speaker 2: It's just, you know, the circumstances, we have this blind 278 00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 2: loyalty to their greatness, which is a very hard allusion 279 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,560 Speaker 2: to break. And the final thing that I think is 280 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,520 Speaker 2: important to note about limerens. It is normally based more 281 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,440 Speaker 2: on an emotional desire rather than a sexual desire, which 282 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,679 Speaker 2: is really what distinguishes it from lust. If you are 283 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,639 Speaker 2: in a state of limerens, you'll probably relate to wanting 284 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 2: to just simply hear from this person, to connect with them, 285 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 2: to talk for hours, to see where your relationship could grow, 286 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,199 Speaker 2: rather than just wanting them to be attracted to you 287 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,360 Speaker 2: or just wanting to have sex with them. It's what 288 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 2: really puts it more in the realm of romantic love. 289 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:20,159 Speaker 2: For me, you care the way you would care for 290 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 2: a romantic partner or someone that you've known for a 291 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 2: lot longer. And that's what makes it very mentally and 292 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 2: emotionally complicated. And you know, if you've never experienced this, 293 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,879 Speaker 2: it can be really really hard to understand. You know, 294 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,879 Speaker 2: how could you continue to be so intensely into someone, 295 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,600 Speaker 2: obsessed with them when they have no interest in you? 296 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,199 Speaker 2: You know, they have no interest in being with you. 297 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 2: That surely that's illogical, and yet it's not. And yet 298 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 2: it makes a lot of sense, and it happens to 299 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,000 Speaker 2: a lot of us. They are able to shape your 300 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 2: daily mood, your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, and there's 301 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,680 Speaker 2: this big underlying question of why, why why is this happening? 302 00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:59,199 Speaker 2: And I have a few explanations for you. Limerens is 303 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:04,479 Speaker 2: really a mixture of by biological, psychological, emotional, and environmental factors, 304 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,480 Speaker 2: but above all else It is just mental activity. It 305 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,240 Speaker 2: is not a sign from above that you're meant to 306 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,920 Speaker 2: be together, that you shouldn't quit on them, don't give 307 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,440 Speaker 2: up Your obsession and infatuation is not hinting at destiny. 308 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 2: It is basically an interpretation of events rather than the 309 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 2: events themselves, because basically your brain is trying to find 310 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,720 Speaker 2: a way to make this work. It's holding onto the 311 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:30,520 Speaker 2: fixation because of the slimmest chance of possibility that it perceives, 312 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,760 Speaker 2: rather than if there is actually possibility to be had. 313 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,720 Speaker 2: We of course already know about the neurological and biological 314 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 2: kind of origins or causes. Some would say, you know 315 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:44,640 Speaker 2: the relational patterns that mimic and create addiction. The other 316 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,399 Speaker 2: significant factor is our attachment style, and we hear a 317 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,639 Speaker 2: lot about this, so I will keep it kind of 318 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,600 Speaker 2: short and simple. But our early ways of learning how 319 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,880 Speaker 2: to bond with another human, usually our parent, is going 320 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,800 Speaker 2: to go on to influence our behaviors around bonding with 321 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,560 Speaker 2: others as an adult, both platonically and romantically. If that 322 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 2: childhood relationship you had was somewhat disturbed or what we 323 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,959 Speaker 2: would call disorganized, you may continue to seek out that 324 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,439 Speaker 2: same pattern of attachment and relationship later on, later on, 325 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,359 Speaker 2: when you're pursuing a romantic interest, perhaps you're looking for 326 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,520 Speaker 2: someone you're constantly very attractive to people who are hot 327 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:26,520 Speaker 2: and cold with you, who are unreliable, because you are 328 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,760 Speaker 2: seeking to finally have a situation or you can change them, 329 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,800 Speaker 2: or you can make someone love you. If you are 330 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,600 Speaker 2: quite anxious. This can also lead to that same fear 331 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 2: of rejection and obsessive behaviors that is very characteristic of limerens, 332 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 2: where you tolerate the mixed signals or you let it 333 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,879 Speaker 2: fuel your desire to be closer to them because you 334 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 2: don't want to face the alternative, which is a life 335 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:51,919 Speaker 2: without them, and that really exacerbates a lot of the 336 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:56,119 Speaker 2: cleanliness a lot of those intrusive thoughts. It may also 337 00:20:56,200 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 2: come down to a subconscious avoid or emotional unavailability on 338 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 2: your behalf, which you might not expect. You might think 339 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,000 Speaker 2: that the person who is not reciprocating is the one 340 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 2: who is emotionally unavoidant. But for people with an insecure 341 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:16,399 Speaker 2: attachment style, being in love with someone who won't return 342 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,480 Speaker 2: those feelings actually means that they can stay in a 343 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:24,720 Speaker 2: distant relationship without making any other real connection you know, 344 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:28,840 Speaker 2: loving someone and being loved in return. It does require 345 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,679 Speaker 2: a lot of vulnerability, and you have to accept that 346 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,840 Speaker 2: this is two sided, that there is risk and reward, 347 00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:40,440 Speaker 2: that actually you could be hurt. Love inherent in love 348 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:44,920 Speaker 2: is a possibility of hurt. But when you stay stuck 349 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 2: on unreclited love or in a limerent state, this allows 350 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,679 Speaker 2: you to kind of remain in the safety of a 351 00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 2: pseudo relationship that can never be real, that will never 352 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 2: require you to be truly vulnerable that you know, the 353 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 2: biggest risk is that you fall out of love with 354 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,120 Speaker 2: this person without ever actually you know, experiencing the true 355 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 2: depth of love, and you don't actually have to commit 356 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:10,080 Speaker 2: to them. So what this one author says is that actually, 357 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:15,920 Speaker 2: maybe limerence is protecting us from having to be I 358 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,480 Speaker 2: don't know, attached or fall in love with someone who 359 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 2: will reciprocate and who will force us to finally accept 360 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,800 Speaker 2: and be in the presence of healthy love. This is 361 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,040 Speaker 2: obviously a huge general assessment, and I will say it's 362 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 2: not true for everyone. There are a lot of people 363 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,960 Speaker 2: who experience limreates but have experienced healthy love just as 364 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:38,320 Speaker 2: much like we mentioned before, you know, it's very different 365 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,800 Speaker 2: for each of us, and it's also not something that 366 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 2: you can sign up for. So there are unconscious mechanisms 367 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 2: at play that drive you into those specific situations, and 368 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:53,200 Speaker 2: an insecure attachment style maybe one of them. It may 369 00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 2: also be more common or more likely that you are 370 00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:00,720 Speaker 2: someone with a very real, vivid sense of fantasy imagination. 371 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 2: You're very romantic, sentimental. You dream so so big about 372 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,560 Speaker 2: the potential or the life you have with someone that 373 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,280 Speaker 2: it just feels like that is very much something that 374 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:18,000 Speaker 2: could come true, that it's not a hypothetical anymore. You can, 375 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 2: you know, feel the Sunday mornings that you wake up 376 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,320 Speaker 2: together and cook breakfast. You can picture your future children, 377 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:28,280 Speaker 2: you can smell that vacation in Fiji and that you're 378 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,919 Speaker 2: going to go on like it's very very vivid for you. 379 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,000 Speaker 2: The future that you have with them is very vivid. 380 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,800 Speaker 2: And it's that imagination that really gets you hooked, that 381 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:40,280 Speaker 2: gets you invested. There is this potential and since you 382 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,159 Speaker 2: can imagine it, surely there is a reality where it 383 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,480 Speaker 2: could be real. If only they thought like you, if 384 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 2: only they could see this like you, then you, guys, 385 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,720 Speaker 2: could be something. The final explanation that is so important 386 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,919 Speaker 2: for me to mention here also comes down to ADHD. 387 00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 2: Because ADHD and limerens. I don't know if you could 388 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,040 Speaker 2: say they mix very well or not well at all, 389 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:07,119 Speaker 2: but either way they are very much intertwined. If you 390 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,200 Speaker 2: think about limerens in ADHD, they have quite a few 391 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:16,880 Speaker 2: things in common, right, hyper focus, rejection, sensitivity, emotional dysregulation. 392 00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,920 Speaker 2: When it comes to this person, limerens is also essentially 393 00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:26,000 Speaker 2: a hyper fixation that can only heighten those obsessive and 394 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:30,359 Speaker 2: recurrent patterns of thinking. I thought this person's description to 395 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,199 Speaker 2: an online magazine called Attitude. It's a quarterly journal on 396 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:37,480 Speaker 2: advancements and articles to do with ADHD really worth checking 397 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,280 Speaker 2: out if that's something you struggle with. But I thought 398 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,600 Speaker 2: that this person's description was really just the best way 399 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,359 Speaker 2: we could describe it based on her lived experience. Falling 400 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:51,639 Speaker 2: in love is immediately all consuming for me. My hyper 401 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 2: focus and fixation are insane. I lose hours, days, weeks, 402 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,800 Speaker 2: and months to my obsession. And then at some point 403 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 2: the dopamine runs out and my fixation lifts. I realize 404 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,040 Speaker 2: the person I've been obsessed with is just that a person, 405 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,320 Speaker 2: and I withdraw when the magic of dope mean is lost. 406 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 2: Seeing the other person clearly is often crushingly disappointing. Disappointing 407 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,840 Speaker 2: because there's no way they or anyone could ever be 408 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,520 Speaker 2: the permanent DoPT mean high. I'm constantly seeking and disappointing 409 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:25,760 Speaker 2: because once again I've completely lost myself to this obsession. 410 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,240 Speaker 2: I will say this thing of no one could ever 411 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,679 Speaker 2: be the permanent don't mean high. I get that, and 412 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:37,000 Speaker 2: I do, really, really, I think empathize with that feeling 413 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:39,720 Speaker 2: that you know you cannot be in that constant state 414 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 2: of obsession and love for your entire life. But there 415 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:46,479 Speaker 2: is something uniquely more beautiful about a love that is 416 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:50,320 Speaker 2: calm and matter, love that does not always have to 417 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,919 Speaker 2: make you excited because it is just a constant and 418 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 2: often excitement and anxiety are very interlocked, so we start 419 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,879 Speaker 2: to confuse them. And I do think that the older 420 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,440 Speaker 2: you get, the more you realize that there's a lot 421 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:06,720 Speaker 2: of things that can bring you happiness, and dope mean 422 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,280 Speaker 2: and love is definitely one of them, but above or else, 423 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 2: above all else. Sorry, we really wanted to bring us 424 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:17,240 Speaker 2: serenity and peace. Like I said before, Here's what another 425 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:19,840 Speaker 2: person had to say about this about the interactions between 426 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:24,399 Speaker 2: ADHD and limerens. My crushes occupy a large portion of 427 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,760 Speaker 2: my thoughts and they make it hard for me to concentrate. 428 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:30,159 Speaker 2: I've even experienced falling in love with someone I didn't 429 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,040 Speaker 2: even like. It is like getting on a bus from 430 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,200 Speaker 2: which I can never disembark. And that analogy, I think 431 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:37,960 Speaker 2: what you just said is spot on. She said it 432 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,879 Speaker 2: so perfectly. It's a ride that once you get on, 433 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,800 Speaker 2: involuntarily get on, you feel like you can't get off, 434 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,240 Speaker 2: and the emotional consequences of that can be really really scary, 435 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,800 Speaker 2: really quite scary, and quite profound frustrating. At times. You feel, 436 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,120 Speaker 2: of course, deep emotional turmoil, excitement and joy that suddenly 437 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,359 Speaker 2: turns into despair and longing, and you kind of feel 438 00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,080 Speaker 2: pushed and pulled between those two dates constantly. So there 439 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 2: is never a balance, There is never a steady state 440 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 2: that lasts for that long. Then there is the low 441 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 2: self esteem because your feelings haven't been reciprocated, and you 442 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:15,520 Speaker 2: begin to think that reflects something about you when it doesn't. 443 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:19,359 Speaker 2: It truly doesn't. It just comes down to what this 444 00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,800 Speaker 2: person wants, and that's something that you can't control. You 445 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:26,680 Speaker 2: continue to have value, whether they want a relationship or 446 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,639 Speaker 2: not you continue to have value despite what happens to 447 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,520 Speaker 2: that connection. There can also be a degree of isolation 448 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,960 Speaker 2: as well, not wanting to share what we're experiencing with 449 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,199 Speaker 2: others because we feel embarrassed to admit, you know, that 450 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:46,800 Speaker 2: we're so caught up in this situation. And people who 451 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:49,919 Speaker 2: don't experience limrens, I think just don't quite understand the intensity. 452 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:54,919 Speaker 2: They don't quite understand the wishful thinking. How you you know, 453 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 2: eventually you do want to get over this. You are 454 00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 2: tired of being in the state. But it's not a 455 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:03,480 Speaker 2: simple That's not how your brain operates, is you know, 456 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:04,800 Speaker 2: being like, Okay, I'm ready to move on, and then 457 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,200 Speaker 2: you move on. I don't know if anyone can possibly 458 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,120 Speaker 2: do that eventually, though, and this is the good news. 459 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 2: You do get to a place of kind of exhaustion 460 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,919 Speaker 2: of wanting it to be over. And I think that 461 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,320 Speaker 2: is when the path out starts to become a bit 462 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:24,320 Speaker 2: more clear. When we are I think truly at our 463 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 2: lowest with the situation, is when we start to see 464 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,960 Speaker 2: hope it is possible to recover from limerens, to one 465 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:34,120 Speaker 2: day be in a place where their name doesn't make 466 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:37,359 Speaker 2: you jolt doesn't give me those adrenaline spikes. You're not 467 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,480 Speaker 2: waiting for the text back. That is very, very possible, 468 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,920 Speaker 2: and I want to talk about some of the steps 469 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:46,640 Speaker 2: we can take to do that to realize this after 470 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:53,600 Speaker 2: this short break. When I asked you guys all over 471 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 2: on Instagram, what do you want to know about limerens? 472 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:58,760 Speaker 2: The number one thing you asked me was how do 473 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,560 Speaker 2: I intentionally move on? How can I stop limerents from 474 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 2: influencing a relationship in the beginning, How can I bring 475 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,600 Speaker 2: this under my control? You know, there were stories from 476 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,640 Speaker 2: you all about how you've been miserable for months, even years, 477 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:17,760 Speaker 2: sometimes over short relationships, crushes people you've only met a 478 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 2: few times. Again, it wasn't a choice for you. Your brain 479 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,000 Speaker 2: has obviously seen some possibility in them, and that it's 480 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,520 Speaker 2: gotten attached to, and it's got an attached to that chase, 481 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 2: that roller coaster. That does bring a lot of dopeamine. 482 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:32,280 Speaker 2: But we do want to bring our limeerent states back 483 00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:34,760 Speaker 2: into our control as much as possible, so we can 484 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:38,200 Speaker 2: see ourselves clearly, see the person we admire clearly, the 485 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 2: relationship clearly, and then hopefully see other opportunities and other 486 00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:46,400 Speaker 2: options for us if you want to know, first off, 487 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:48,680 Speaker 2: whether there is a basis for your limerens or not, 488 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:51,640 Speaker 2: or maybe a better way of saying this, whether what 489 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:55,240 Speaker 2: you're experiencing is love or admirance. Firstly, do a quick 490 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:58,800 Speaker 2: evaluation of the relationship. Is their commitment, is there a 491 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:04,240 Speaker 2: label they reciprocating? Is there a sense of continuity such 492 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 2: that in two weeks things aren't going to drastically change. 493 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,440 Speaker 2: You can rely on them, You know that they can 494 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:14,239 Speaker 2: rely on you, that they care about you. I think 495 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,400 Speaker 2: in that instance, maybe especially in the beginning, this is 496 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:21,080 Speaker 2: a sign of mutual affection that is growing into a relationship. 497 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 2: If it is the opposite of that, that is when 498 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,160 Speaker 2: we know that perhaps what we're entering into is limerens. 499 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,560 Speaker 2: If you feel like you can't really trust your evaluation, 500 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:33,280 Speaker 2: even though you know it's limerens, you are still fully invested, 501 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 2: really forcibly, override your desire to be in close contact 502 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,480 Speaker 2: with them, override your desire to reach out to check in. 503 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 2: Take a few big steps back. And I know it 504 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:46,680 Speaker 2: sounds simple. I know it's advice that is often given, 505 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,320 Speaker 2: but you need to go no contact. It is the 506 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 2: tried and tested best strategy. Even if at times it 507 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:58,600 Speaker 2: requires superhuman strength and discipline and sacrifice. Sometimes it does 508 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,040 Speaker 2: require sacrifice, But what you've got to do it for 509 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 2: is not for yourself right now, but for your future self, 510 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:07,440 Speaker 2: your self in six months, who's going to be six 511 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:11,160 Speaker 2: months further into the healing process rather than just starting out. 512 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,440 Speaker 2: Thank you to you, Thanks to your current self who 513 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 2: was taking on the burden and the pain of starting sooner. 514 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,840 Speaker 2: Schedule in a one month period of time, even two 515 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,440 Speaker 2: weeks if you want to start small, where your contact 516 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:28,480 Speaker 2: is super minimal, and notice whether the emotional rollercoaster begins 517 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:32,000 Speaker 2: to slow a little bit, begins to take fewer leaps, 518 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:37,720 Speaker 2: chase that feeling, the feeling of peace, serenity, control over 519 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 2: what you're experiencing. I think that first week or period 520 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:44,600 Speaker 2: of withdrawing from your love interest it's going to be 521 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,480 Speaker 2: quite revealing, because, like we've said, it's like a withdrawal 522 00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,720 Speaker 2: from a drug source, which is how I think a 523 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,000 Speaker 2: lot of people would explain it. In the immediate period. Afterwards, 524 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,920 Speaker 2: everything will suddenly get perhaps more intense, because all that 525 00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,880 Speaker 2: dopamine you feel in response to small messages or interactions 526 00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:02,959 Speaker 2: with that person are fading. They're less accessible to you 527 00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:06,520 Speaker 2: and then eventually you'll feel like a bit of balance 528 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 2: is restored, and it won't come all at once, but 529 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,960 Speaker 2: it will be one day at a time. It's also 530 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:15,360 Speaker 2: during that period where we want to practice what I 531 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:18,080 Speaker 2: like to call replacement therapy. You know, we can do 532 00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,960 Speaker 2: that for substances like nicotine, we can also do it 533 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 2: for limereates. There are a couple of I would say 534 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 2: compulsions that go hand in hand with limreates, so social 535 00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,000 Speaker 2: media checking, finding ways to run into them or hang 536 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,360 Speaker 2: out with them, even at the expense of your own plans. 537 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:37,160 Speaker 2: This is what we would call proximity seeking behavior, repetitive thinking, 538 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:41,240 Speaker 2: getting stuck in daydreaming or fantasy. And what we want 539 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:43,680 Speaker 2: to do is have a substitute for those behaviors because 540 00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:48,800 Speaker 2: all of them are continuing to, you know, exaggerate this cycle, 541 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 2: continuing to keep you in this cycle of limerens. So 542 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:56,000 Speaker 2: a substitute could be a mindful distraction. You could literally doodle, 543 00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,680 Speaker 2: could do five push ups, you could listen to a meditation, 544 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:01,560 Speaker 2: you could go for all walk and leave your phone 545 00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:03,680 Speaker 2: at home when you feel the desire to reach out. 546 00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 2: Even better, our activities with friends, where they can be 547 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 2: the sole source of our attention. We can pour our 548 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,680 Speaker 2: love into them and it will be reciprocated. There is 549 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 2: something about platonic friendship, you know, laughter, shared time that 550 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:24,000 Speaker 2: can be the best distraction from our intrusive reflections or affections, 551 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,360 Speaker 2: and it can really also stop us from self isolating 552 00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:31,880 Speaker 2: from withdrawing, which only really contributes to our state of 553 00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,480 Speaker 2: longing because the only thing we can think about is 554 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 2: this person. When you build up your other relationships and 555 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:40,960 Speaker 2: you invest in them, I think your limerence starts to 556 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:47,840 Speaker 2: feel smaller and less important amongst these constant giants of love, 557 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:52,120 Speaker 2: which is friendship, family connection. It's also really important to 558 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,520 Speaker 2: create things to look forward to with your friends that 559 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:58,240 Speaker 2: don't place this person at the center of your universe, 560 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:03,000 Speaker 2: and that may also involve space from the situation that 561 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:06,160 Speaker 2: you combine with those wholesome activities with friends. You know, 562 00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,080 Speaker 2: book an airbnb for a weekend trip with your friends, 563 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:12,720 Speaker 2: one with a pool, one with a big backyard, maybe 564 00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 2: near a beach, and just make memories that revolve around 565 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:20,320 Speaker 2: the people who are constants in your life, who you adore, 566 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:25,120 Speaker 2: who are consistent, and most importantly, who reciprocate. This is 567 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:27,960 Speaker 2: also really important at the beginning of a relationship. You know, 568 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,600 Speaker 2: if you're someone who feels like Limerens always bulldozers every 569 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:35,000 Speaker 2: opportunity you have to get to know someone slowly and purposefully, 570 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:37,480 Speaker 2: like you just feel the need to rush in, you 571 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:40,520 Speaker 2: can actually create deliberate time blocks for yourself, you know, 572 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,520 Speaker 2: speed bumps, almost activities that you have planned in advance, 573 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,919 Speaker 2: events where you know they're not going to be there, 574 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,799 Speaker 2: so that you get a break from them, from the 575 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:52,759 Speaker 2: intensive thoughts, from the drive to see them be with 576 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:56,520 Speaker 2: them constantly. The other big way to bring Limerens back 577 00:34:56,520 --> 00:34:59,600 Speaker 2: into your control is to really be quite bossy and 578 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:03,360 Speaker 2: direct with your irrational thoughts. So the irrational thoughts that 579 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,799 Speaker 2: often accompany limereates are things like they are the one 580 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 2: for me. I can't be happy without them, or they 581 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 2: will eventually feel the same way. If I just try harder, 582 00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:15,799 Speaker 2: they will realize that we're destined for each other. You know, 583 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 2: they're perfect. I'm the one who's not good enough. This 584 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:21,520 Speaker 2: is true love, and if it's over, I'll never recover. 585 00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:25,640 Speaker 2: I'll never find anyone better. These thoughts sound really believable 586 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,719 Speaker 2: when they're coming from us, when we're the ones thinking them, 587 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,879 Speaker 2: Because of course we trust our own judgments and intuitions. 588 00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:35,240 Speaker 2: But you have to remember just because you think something 589 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,839 Speaker 2: doesn't make it real. A lot of the time those 590 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:44,080 Speaker 2: thoughts are based off fear, faulty information, false expectations, and 591 00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:47,640 Speaker 2: that is what is contributing to this limreent state. Don't 592 00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:50,759 Speaker 2: let these thoughts steer the ship. Interrogate them when they 593 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:54,120 Speaker 2: come up. I'll use the example of they're the only 594 00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:55,960 Speaker 2: one for me. I can't be happy without them. That's 595 00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:58,759 Speaker 2: a common one. This thought is often what keeps us 596 00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,040 Speaker 2: solely focused on this one person, even when better people 597 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,120 Speaker 2: come along. But if we replace that thought with there 598 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,080 Speaker 2: are many other people out there who would love me, 599 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:10,040 Speaker 2: and probably better than this. This is not the only 600 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:13,239 Speaker 2: person who completes me. Love is a union, Love is 601 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:17,120 Speaker 2: a collaboration. I deserve this to be reciprocated. Then we 602 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,880 Speaker 2: start to slowly, I think, wake up to the fact 603 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:24,000 Speaker 2: that we deserve more. The same goes for a belief 604 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,200 Speaker 2: like if I just try harder, soon they'll realize that 605 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 2: I'm meant to be with them, that we're destined to 606 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:31,560 Speaker 2: be together. What I want you to really replace that 607 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:34,400 Speaker 2: thought with is, you know, would true love really make 608 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,399 Speaker 2: you work this hard? Would true love really require you 609 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:40,400 Speaker 2: to prove yourself? Would it be this much of a struggle? 610 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:42,640 Speaker 2: You know. I don't know about you, but I don't 611 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,759 Speaker 2: hear many love stories from people who were kept on 612 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:47,760 Speaker 2: the bench for years. I don't hear many love stories 613 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:51,680 Speaker 2: from people who, you know, for half a decade, were 614 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:54,799 Speaker 2: not given the love and compassion they deserve. Only for 615 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:56,880 Speaker 2: someone to change their mind and suddenly they have this 616 00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:01,040 Speaker 2: flourishing relationship. I'm sure it does happen occasion, but if 617 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:02,960 Speaker 2: you've ever seen the movie, he's just not that into you. 618 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:05,520 Speaker 2: There's this line in the movie that says, You've got 619 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,480 Speaker 2: to remember that you are the rule, not the exception. 620 00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:11,759 Speaker 2: Don't let the promise of being the exception keep you 621 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,600 Speaker 2: in the same place for months or years. We could 622 00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:20,600 Speaker 2: also benefit from practicing some psychological deprogramming or reprogramming that 623 00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:24,480 Speaker 2: takes this love interest off the pedestal. One useful tactic 624 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:28,640 Speaker 2: to kind of trick your brain into devaluing this individual 625 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:33,239 Speaker 2: is to focus on what you don't find desirable, even 626 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,080 Speaker 2: if you have to force yourself to search for it. 627 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:38,080 Speaker 2: You know when you are in the company of this person. 628 00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:42,600 Speaker 2: Focus on either things that are a flaw fixate on 629 00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,840 Speaker 2: the flaws instead. The basic goal, I know it sounds 630 00:37:45,920 --> 00:37:48,120 Speaker 2: kind of mean, but the basic goal is to basically 631 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 2: counter your brain's attempts to idealize this person by feeding 632 00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:56,080 Speaker 2: it negative data. Instead, you can also focus not just 633 00:37:56,120 --> 00:38:00,000 Speaker 2: on their visible qualities, but also your own internal response 634 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:03,640 Speaker 2: to them. Sometimes we want to avoid thinking about the shame. 635 00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:06,520 Speaker 2: We want to avoid the guilt, the sting of rejection, 636 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:11,359 Speaker 2: the hopelessness, but do the opposite. Tune into it. Make 637 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:14,120 Speaker 2: sure you can name what's caused it. It's this person, 638 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:17,120 Speaker 2: it's your perception of them, it's your relationship with them. 639 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,640 Speaker 2: Sometimes the only way out is truly through. You have 640 00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,960 Speaker 2: to explore these emotions, as uncomfortable and dark as they 641 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:28,319 Speaker 2: may be, to finally get to the resolution stage. My 642 00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:32,160 Speaker 2: final tip is to find closure in any way possible, 643 00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,080 Speaker 2: and the best way to do this is to seek 644 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:39,720 Speaker 2: closure from your person by mustering every sliver in drop 645 00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:43,640 Speaker 2: of confidence and courage you have and asking them, is 646 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:45,520 Speaker 2: this ever going to be what I think it could be? 647 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:49,600 Speaker 2: Are you interested in me? Will you ever be interested 648 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:54,560 Speaker 2: in me? This is definitely the final nuclear option, and 649 00:38:54,640 --> 00:39:00,319 Speaker 2: it might seem catastrophic, but I think that sometimes it's necessary, 650 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:04,000 Speaker 2: and this specific site that talks about living with Limerens, 651 00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:07,319 Speaker 2: they put it really really well, Yes, we don't want 652 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,040 Speaker 2: to do that because we think we may ruin a 653 00:39:09,040 --> 00:39:13,320 Speaker 2: beautiful friendship. But be honest with yourself, is it actually 654 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:16,200 Speaker 2: that beautiful or is it even a friendship? Or is 655 00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:19,320 Speaker 2: it causing you more pain than it's worth? And after 656 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:22,560 Speaker 2: you've been honest with yourself, be honest with them. If 657 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:25,640 Speaker 2: you know they feel the same way about you, then 658 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,480 Speaker 2: you've got what you wanted, and that's the closure. If 659 00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:31,839 Speaker 2: they don't, if there is any uncertainty on their end, 660 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,799 Speaker 2: I think that we suddenly get a bit of a 661 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:39,520 Speaker 2: reality hit, we get a bit of reality exposure, and 662 00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:43,680 Speaker 2: we realize that, you know, it is time for us 663 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:49,160 Speaker 2: to gift ourselves the possibility oh gift ourselves the idea 664 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:51,600 Speaker 2: that someone else could love us more. That is like 665 00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:54,200 Speaker 2: a real gift to be like, actually, no, I'm deserving 666 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 2: of a mutual love, of a brilliant love, of a 667 00:39:57,600 --> 00:40:00,800 Speaker 2: generous love. This is maybe not the situation that I deserve. 668 00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:03,760 Speaker 2: And that's really how I want to conclude this episode 669 00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:06,320 Speaker 2: by showing you that there are there are many paths 670 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:09,080 Speaker 2: out of this. The only thing promised. You know, in 671 00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:12,280 Speaker 2: life it is change, and this also applies to Limerens. 672 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,040 Speaker 2: When we're in it, it feels like it's never going 673 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,279 Speaker 2: to go away. But then in three years time you 674 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:19,040 Speaker 2: look back at this very moment and you realize how 675 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:23,040 Speaker 2: far you've come, how much you've done, how beautiful it 676 00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,960 Speaker 2: was to mature out of that state, to find a 677 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:29,000 Speaker 2: love that is healthy and fulfilling, which you most certainly 678 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:33,040 Speaker 2: will find. And I know that you're probably suffering right now. 679 00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:35,800 Speaker 2: I've been there, I've done that, I got the T shirt. 680 00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,640 Speaker 2: It was a slow journey out of it. But now, 681 00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:42,200 Speaker 2: in the stage that I'm at, I'm almost grateful that 682 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,600 Speaker 2: I got the opportunity to see that I could love 683 00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:47,480 Speaker 2: that deeply, that that was a real kind of superpower, 684 00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:52,600 Speaker 2: a real talent skill characteristic of mine. And you know, 685 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,880 Speaker 2: just because they couldn't feel it, because they didn't want it, 686 00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:58,799 Speaker 2: they were giving me my love back, doesn't mean that 687 00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:01,919 Speaker 2: it was worthless. And actually there are many people who 688 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:04,879 Speaker 2: would feel very, very lucky to be loved the way 689 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:08,319 Speaker 2: that you love. So consider it. I hate the word 690 00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:12,120 Speaker 2: superpower because it feels so like almost cringe, but consider 691 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:17,880 Speaker 2: it an asset. Consider it something that makes you absolutely wonderful, 692 00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,080 Speaker 2: and it means that when the right person comes along, 693 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,560 Speaker 2: you're going to have everything you need to love them 694 00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,879 Speaker 2: deeply and for that love to be sustained. So thank 695 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:28,879 Speaker 2: you so much for listening to this episode. I really 696 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:31,759 Speaker 2: hope that you enjoyed it, hope you learned something. If 697 00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:33,719 Speaker 2: there's someone in your life who needs to hear it, 698 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,440 Speaker 2: make sure you send them a link. And I really 699 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:40,239 Speaker 2: hope you're taking care of yourself that you felt some 700 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,279 Speaker 2: comfort from this, because I want you to know you're 701 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,680 Speaker 2: not alone. Sometimes that is the greatest comfort. If you 702 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:48,359 Speaker 2: again enjoy the episode, leave a five star review, make 703 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:51,360 Speaker 2: sure you're following along for more upcoming episodes. And if 704 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,800 Speaker 2: you have something to say about this topic, this episode, 705 00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:57,799 Speaker 2: any other topic or episode, or even a suggestion, a 706 00:41:57,920 --> 00:42:00,800 Speaker 2: follow up, a query, please fel free to dm me 707 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:05,480 Speaker 2: on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. Until next week, stay safe, 708 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:08,560 Speaker 2: stay kind, and be gentle with yourselves. We will talk 709 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:09,560 Speaker 2: very very soon.