Speaker 1: Hi.
Speaker 2: Oh Hi Chelsea.
Speaker 3: Hi.
Speaker 1: How's it going, Catherine?
Speaker 2: Oh It's great. It's finally sunnay here in Los Angeles.
Speaker 1: I'm so sick of people complaining about living in Los Angeles.
Speaker 1: I mean, what the fuck you got a couple. There's
Speaker 1: been a month of bad weather and people are ready
Speaker 1: to move.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. I told Radam, like, I think it's
Speaker 2: time we got to make a run for I don't know,
Speaker 2: bv I or something.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, real hot existence and they'll be underwater soon,
Speaker 1: so probably don't head down there. Good point. Okay, guys.
Speaker 1: We have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch
Speaker 1: Tour because I'm coming all over. We added a second
Speaker 1: show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so that's October
Speaker 1: twelfth and Friday the thirteenth, which is my favorite day
Speaker 1: of the year. We added a second show in Boston
Speaker 1: at the Waging Center September twenty ninth and thirtieth is
Speaker 1: two shows in New York. I also have a show
Speaker 1: in East Hampton, New York August twenty six. We added
Speaker 1: a second show in Portland, so Thursday, November tewod Friday
Speaker 1: November third, and Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco,
Speaker 1: two shows there. We added a second show in Seattle
Speaker 1: November tenth and eleventh. Two shows Boston are November sixteenth
Speaker 1: and seventeenth at the Bach Center at Wang Theater. And
Speaker 1: I'm also coming to Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and
Speaker 1: so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. So i
Speaker 1: will see everybody at all of these shows. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.
Speaker 2: Chelsea have a question for you, Yes, is there anything
Speaker 2: in a romantic relationship that's not actually bad but would
Speaker 2: be a deal breaker for you? For example, I don't
Speaker 2: think I could date a guy that was like really
Speaker 2: into sports, Like there's nothing wrong with that, but I
Speaker 2: just it would be a deal breaker for me.
Speaker 1: A deal breaker, Yeah, huh. I don't know about sports.
Speaker 1: I've never really dated anyone that's that into sports because
Speaker 1: I don't think I'd be attracted to someone like that.
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't be a deal breaker. If they were
Speaker 1: watching Sunday football, that would be a turnoff. I like,
Speaker 1: if they had to watch football every Sunday.
Speaker 3: M hmm.
Speaker 2: I don't think it's just like how you spend your time.
Speaker 2: Like when brattan I first started dating, he was doing
Speaker 2: a lot of jazz music. I'm playing out every night,
Speaker 2: and like I was like, I'm not particularly into jazz,
Speaker 2: but this is fun. It's a cool thing to do.
Speaker 2: Like I couldn't have been in this relationship if it
Speaker 2: was like go to a game with me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, of course it's what you're into, right,
Speaker 1: I would be into watching jazz too, for in the beginning. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm into anything for a short period of time. But
Speaker 1: it kind of takes away If somebody watches football every Sunday,
Speaker 1: it kind of takes away the option of like being
Speaker 1: together unless you're gonna go and watch and I'm not
Speaker 1: doing that, right, I'm not gonna spend my Sunday watching football. No,
Speaker 1: especially if it involves like multiple men and beer on sofa.
Speaker 1: It's like, no, No, anyone who takes sports so seriously,
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to take seriously. Yeah, I get it,
Speaker 1: but like it's not like when people are just so invested,
Speaker 1: it's just like are you on the fucking team? Like relax, and.
Speaker 2: Then they have their fantasy teams they have like fake football.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I used to play that on Chelsea lately they
Speaker 1: made me join a fantasy football league just because I
Speaker 1: was so clueless about I think I won the whole thing,
Speaker 1: like two years in a row with knowing nothing, just
Speaker 1: on good luck, yeah, beginner's luck.
Speaker 2: Yeah, any other sort of like well, this isn't something
Speaker 2: that's wrong with this person, but I just couldn't date
Speaker 2: someone who.
Speaker 1: I mean clothing, there's so many clothing that I can't
Speaker 1: get past, and a toe toe action. And also food,
Speaker 1: like if you can't eat with your mouth closed, I
Speaker 1: find that to be pretty gross. Yeah, clumsiness, I don't.
Speaker 1: That turns me off when guys are really clumsy. I
Speaker 1: once went on a date with a guy to this
Speaker 1: restaurant in Santa Monica and he spilled chips of guacamole
Speaker 1: all over me, like within the first ten minutes of
Speaker 1: me being there, and I just was like, you're such
Speaker 1: an idiot, Like why would you if you did that?
Speaker 1: You're not together or like you're a.
Speaker 2: Mess literally and figurat.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was just like what I mean, it's just
Speaker 1: so clumsy.
Speaker 2: Do you believe like when you get the ick, you
Speaker 2: can't come back from it, like, oh, this person gave me.
Speaker 1: It depends how ick it is you know, but I
Speaker 1: have a lot of X. Yeah, fingernails. If there's any
Speaker 1: length on a fingernail, Oh no, man, I can't take that.
Speaker 2: That's a no.
Speaker 1: I don't like anything. God forbid toenails have length on them.
Speaker 1: That's also like, you have to get your foot amputated.
Speaker 2: Something tells me our guest today has nicely pedicured feet.
Speaker 1: Our guest today is a glad Award winning writer, producer,
Speaker 1: and star.
Speaker 2: Yes, and he's a hysterical stand up. You can find
Speaker 2: him at I Hate Joelkim on Instagram and Twitter.
Speaker 1: Please welcome actor comedian Joelkim Booster.
Speaker 3: Hello. I'm so excited to be here, and now finally
Speaker 3: every single white gay in my life can stop telling
Speaker 3: me you should go on the Chelsea Handler podcast. You
Speaker 3: should really go on the Chelsea as though it's been
Speaker 3: my choice along.
Speaker 4: So I know.
Speaker 1: That's like when somebody's like, why don't you go on
Speaker 1: the Oprah Winfrey show?
Speaker 3: Hold on, hold on.
Speaker 1: I'm not comparing myself to Oprah Winfrey, but I am. Yeah,
Speaker 1: You're like, that sounds like a good idea.
Speaker 3: Why don't you go do S and L xactly?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Joel Kim.
Speaker 3: Yes, Booster, thank you my full name.
Speaker 1: Yes, well, I mean, you know who knows what you're into.
Speaker 1: I just want to get it fucking right. Right, Let's
Speaker 1: talk about your life and your career because everything's taken
Speaker 1: off for you, and it's it's very nice to watch.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is always funny when people say that, because
Speaker 3: it does your your your conception of what success looks
Speaker 3: like changes every single time you hit a new sort
Speaker 3: of echelon of success, and suddenly now I feel like
Speaker 3: I'm a nobody and I'm nothing. And even though if
Speaker 3: you told me ten years ago what I'd be doing now,
Speaker 3: if you told me ten years ago that I'd be
Speaker 3: sitting across from you specifically, I would be like, shut
Speaker 3: the fuck up, that's never going to happen. I'm going
Speaker 3: to be working at this olive garden for the rest
Speaker 3: of my life. So it is funny to hear that.
Speaker 3: But it's nice to hear too.
Speaker 1: It's like the opposite of manifestation. Yeah, you're like, I'll
Speaker 1: never amount to anything, because I honestly think both things
Speaker 1: work for certain people. Like some people never think that
Speaker 1: they're going to do anything, and they're like, oh, when
Speaker 1: I hear certain celebrities or musicians talking about how they
Speaker 1: would have never believed where they are. It's like I
Speaker 1: have the whole opposite mentality, like I always believe like
Speaker 1: everybody should be talking to me and listen to me,
Speaker 1: like I have strong opinions.
Speaker 3: I'm definitely the I have a nice mix of imposter
Speaker 3: syndrome with resentment, which is I never believe that I
Speaker 3: deserve anything that I have, But I definitely don't think
Speaker 3: that a lot of people who are as successful, are
Speaker 3: more successful than me, deserve what they have. And that's
Speaker 3: sort of what keeps me going every day. It is
Speaker 3: because I see people and I'm like, well, I could
Speaker 3: be doing that, and then I get there and I'm like,
Speaker 3: oh God, can I be doing this? So it's it's
Speaker 3: a nice mix.
Speaker 1: It's nice good, that's good. And I read that if
Speaker 1: you're comfortable talking about your bipolar disorder, I read that, yeah,
Speaker 1: that you've been diagnosed with by.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I finally got diagnosed like a year before the
Speaker 3: pandemic happened, which what amazing times. By the way, just
Speaker 3: to like sit at home and figure out what the
Speaker 3: right cocktail of drugs is was a real nice wrinkle
Speaker 3: from my lockdown experience. But yeah, I mean the thing
Speaker 3: is is I have always been sort of my moods
Speaker 3: have been wild since I was growing up, and my
Speaker 3: parents were very very Christian, very very evangelical, and did
Speaker 3: not believe in any sort of actual, real hard scientific
Speaker 3: psychology therapy anything like that. They sent me to Christian
Speaker 3: therapists who would pray over me and like try and
Speaker 3: make me better, and that never worked. But I gotta
Speaker 3: tell you, a Bilify works. Wonders Jesus not so much
Speaker 3: Abilify and will. Bututrin has kept me in check for
Speaker 3: a little while. But it is difficult because I don't
Speaker 3: know if you feel this way. Sometimes a little crazy
Speaker 3: like helps me. My biggest worry since being diagnosed is
Speaker 3: that like I'm killing a part of myself that I
Speaker 3: really relied on to make myself funny, to write, to
Speaker 3: like find interesting, you know, things about myself because like,
Speaker 3: I definitely do not like being depressed, but being manic.
Speaker 3: Being manic can be kind of fun sometimes until it's
Speaker 3: not in front of until yeah, very productive.
Speaker 1: Because you can be really sexual, right, you can be
Speaker 1: really happy about like shopping, shopping, like yeah, yeah, yeah, you.
Speaker 3: Feel like on top of the world. In fact, my
Speaker 3: manic periods were some of the only times I didn't
Speaker 3: have imposter syndrome about like what I was doing or
Speaker 3: what I was having and and so it is that
Speaker 3: is it's a difficult thing to let go of because
Speaker 3: ultimately it is very destructive, you know, like I don't
Speaker 3: need to be having sex with four or five guys
Speaker 3: in a day just because and I don't need to
Speaker 3: be abusing drugs to the level that I would when
Speaker 3: I was manic. I still abuse drugs, but just you know,
Speaker 3: at a reasonable level, saying yeah, but yeah, there was
Speaker 3: a lot of self destructive stuff that came hand in
Speaker 3: hand with that. Would I write a script in like
Speaker 3: twelve hours? Yeah, you know, like did I write a
Speaker 3: lot manic? Absolutely? And did it turn out okay? Sure,
Speaker 3: but like those first drafts were a little rough, I'll
Speaker 3: tell you that. But yeah, it's one of those balancing
Speaker 3: acts I think is like a person in entertainment and
Speaker 3: an artist whatever. The lie that the disease tells you
Speaker 3: is that you need me in order to do what
Speaker 3: you do and what you love. And that is I
Speaker 3: have found not to be the case because I have
Speaker 3: been medicated now for going on four years and off
Speaker 3: and on, there's been there have been times when I've
Speaker 3: gone rogue and it has not turned out super well.
Speaker 3: But for the most part, I think like I am
Speaker 3: still funny, I am still myself. I am just a
Speaker 3: slightly more chilled, calibrated first calibrated, yes, exactly.
Speaker 1: So when you were growing up, how does bipolar disorder
Speaker 1: present itself in a person? Is it something that you're
Speaker 1: born with or is it something that is triggered by
Speaker 1: an event?
Speaker 3: You know what, it's probably a little bit of column
Speaker 3: a little bit of column B. I think like for me,
Speaker 3: it definitely manifested really young, Like I was really hyper
Speaker 3: emotional and hyper reactive to things since I can remember,
Speaker 3: like I was just throwing tantrums way longer into my
Speaker 3: life than was appropriate, probably like in public on the floor, screaming, crying, kicking,
Speaker 3: you know, the whole nine yards, because I just did
Speaker 3: not know how to process any of my emotions and
Speaker 3: I didn't and my parents were not giving me the
Speaker 3: tools necessary to process any of this. And I wonder
Speaker 3: often like how my life would have turned out differently
Speaker 3: if they had maybe you know, found supported me in
Speaker 3: a more scientifically based way earlier on. But like, I
Speaker 3: remember this one time I was being such a jackass
Speaker 3: and like throwing things in my room, slamming the door,
Speaker 3: so angry that my dad tried to exercise me in
Speaker 3: the middle of the fight. I was thirteen years old,
Speaker 3: and he literally started saying, like exorcism, bullshit, try and
Speaker 3: get the devil out of me. And in that moment,
Speaker 3: I realized what he was doing, and I started to
Speaker 3: laugh in his face, which, in hindsight, is something a
Speaker 3: demon would do in that situation, is start laughing maniacally
Speaker 3: at your poor father and trying to exercise you. So
Speaker 3: it didn't help matters.
Speaker 1: Okay, So then what led to you getting an official
Speaker 1: diagnosis in twenty nineteen or tw twenty nineteen.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was twenty nineteen and it was getting to
Speaker 3: the breaking point. I was destroying relationships. I think that
Speaker 3: was like the big thing. I think it was getting
Speaker 3: harder and harder because, like listen, when you're a manic
Speaker 3: and you're like the life of the party, it's really
Speaker 3: easy to make friends, and it's really easy to get
Speaker 3: people to like you, and then if they hang on
Speaker 3: and they stick around long enough, those episodes become really
Speaker 3: destructive and really toxic, and I became a really top
Speaker 3: I would eventually become a really toxic person. I remember
Speaker 3: this is something I haven't shared very much at all,
Speaker 3: but like I went off my meds to film my
Speaker 3: movie because I was convinced that I would not be
Speaker 3: able to write or punch up the script or act
Speaker 3: if I was on my meds. And I remember the
Speaker 3: near the end of the filming process and thank god,
Speaker 3: they all love me so much. I really tried to
Speaker 3: burn down every bridge I had with every single cast
Speaker 3: member on that shoot, and like we're they're some of
Speaker 3: my best friends. But I remember looking at Bowen Yang
Speaker 3: and saying, you're only friends with me because you wanted
Speaker 3: to be in this movie. And I said that in
Speaker 3: the height of a manic episode that was so insane,
Speaker 3: and he had so much grace for me in that moment,
Speaker 3: and it just said, like that is not true. You
Speaker 3: know that's not true. I'm going to leave now and
Speaker 3: we'll talk about this at another time. And luckily, like
Speaker 3: it was so like it was so intense and so
Speaker 3: heartbreaking in that moment that it was a real wake
Speaker 3: up call for me where I was like, this is
Speaker 3: not who I am, right you know, and there were
Speaker 3: little moments throughout the filming process like that, and everyone
Speaker 3: had so much grace for me and was so kind,
Speaker 3: and I eventually, you know, made the decision to go back.
Speaker 3: And it's a difficult thing to wean on and off constantly.
Speaker 3: It's not helpful.
Speaker 1: But that's the tricky thing, right with bipolar disorders. A
Speaker 1: lot of people feel that way that they can get
Speaker 1: on and off their meds at their discretion, which kind
Speaker 1: of is not the case. Not the case, no, And
Speaker 1: what is the flip side of the bipole? So the
Speaker 1: main and then you have the depression.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the depression. Honestly, it doesn't manifest from me a
Speaker 3: ton I'm not a super depressed person. I will say, like,
Speaker 3: those episodes last for shorter periods of time than the
Speaker 3: mania does, and they're less noticeable, I think because I'm
Speaker 3: able to push through them a little bit easier without
Speaker 3: anyone noticing. I will say, like, when I'm depressed, I'm
Speaker 3: just quiet and I like fade into the background, And
Speaker 3: I think like that's how people, especially like my boyfriend,
Speaker 3: will know that I'm in a depressive episode because I'm
Speaker 3: just like at a party, standing in a corner on
Speaker 3: my phone, not engaging with anybody, which is like pretty
Speaker 3: normal behavior for a lot of people. Actually, I just
Speaker 3: become more of an introvert. But like, yeah, they're just
Speaker 3: they're they're not as intense. The mania was the life
Speaker 3: ruining stuff that was going to end up with me
Speaker 3: in a facility eventually, you know. And that's the scariest
Speaker 3: part about being bipolar is that like untreated and it
Speaker 3: can turn into worse and worse things if you don't
Speaker 3: sort of manage it early on. And that's my big
Speaker 3: worry is I don't want to to turn into from
Speaker 3: mania into psychosis, you know, which is like that specter
Speaker 3: hangs over me and specifically my relationship a lot, because
Speaker 3: I look at my boyfriend sometimes when I'm in the
Speaker 3: depths of something and I'm always like, this could get worse,
Speaker 3: you know that, right, Like you're signing on for something
Speaker 3: that could eventually get much worse I if things don't
Speaker 3: go my way, And that is like, that's a really
Speaker 3: it's a really shitty thing to lay on your partner
Speaker 3: in the middle of a fight usually, but he seems
Speaker 3: game for it so far. Yeah, pretty game for it.
Speaker 1: What about your parents and your Christian parents, How did
Speaker 1: they handle your gayness?
Speaker 3: Not well, Chelsea, Not well. They were not super keen
Speaker 3: on it. They also found out in the most invasive,
Speaker 3: aggressive way possible. They read my journal when I was
Speaker 3: a senior in high school. I had been out at
Speaker 3: school for a year. They read my journal at a
Speaker 3: year's worth of journal entries, which were literalisticals at this point,
Speaker 3: not even like introspective observations about my life. It was literally, guys,
Speaker 3: dis I've sucked this week, and then just like a
Speaker 3: straight up list and then so they didn't even have
Speaker 3: to sift through like my dreams or anything like that.
Speaker 3: They just got straight to the meat of it, like
Speaker 3: this is what I'm doing. I literally had entries that
Speaker 3: were like lies I told my parents this week, just
Speaker 3: itemized the bullshit for them.
Speaker 1: That's pretty funny.
Speaker 3: I know, I was a fucking idiot. So they confronted
Speaker 3: me about this.
Speaker 1: Well, maybe you were in a manic episode when.
Speaker 3: Quite honestly, and I had a manic breakdown when they
Speaker 3: confronted me about it in a really big way because
Speaker 3: it was a seismic paradigm shift for me. I at
Speaker 3: this point in my life has had planned on never
Speaker 3: coming out to my parents, never telling them, living like
Speaker 3: a completely separate life. I thought that was possible, and
Speaker 3: in a moment they completely shifted everything and sort of
Speaker 3: took that control out of my mind, and I like,
Speaker 3: I broke down. I had it was bad, and so
Speaker 3: they sent me to an impatient mental hospital for teens
Speaker 3: with the caveat. They tested me three times for HIV.
Speaker 3: They were like, nope, test him again, because they were
Speaker 3: so convinced that because of all the dick sucking I
Speaker 3: was doing, I had AIDS. And they left me there
Speaker 3: for a week. And for the whole week there, the
Speaker 3: people were like, this doesn't seem like the right facility
Speaker 3: for you, because this was like a place where like
Speaker 3: kids who are addicted to heroin or who had straight
Speaker 3: up tried to murder their parents went and they were
Speaker 3: like this is a little outsized for you. Obviously have
Speaker 3: issues that you need to work out, and like this
Speaker 3: is a serious issue with your parents, but like this
Speaker 3: is not the place for you. But they they left
Speaker 3: me there for a week that eventually my insurance wouldn't
Speaker 3: cover it anymore. My parents insurance wouldn't cover it anymore.
Speaker 3: So they're like, you got to come and get your kid.
Speaker 3: They brought me home. I stayed for about like three
Speaker 3: days at home and then got up and left and
Speaker 3: started cowchopping, and I eventually ended up living with There's
Speaker 3: a girl in MI who I stood next to inquire.
Speaker 3: We were not friends. She was very popular in a
Speaker 3: different way than I was, because I was also very popular.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, calm down, calm down.
Speaker 3: But she was a jock and her dad was the
Speaker 3: Methodist pastor in our town, and she everybody knew I
Speaker 3: was missing for that week because I was the voice
Speaker 3: of the announcements and when the voice of the announcements
Speaker 3: goes missing, you know, people start talking. You know, people
Speaker 3: would have started a podcast if it was that time
Speaker 3: about where I was. And so she was like, hey,
Speaker 3: if you ever need a place to stay, you can
Speaker 3: come stay with me. She was just being nice whatever, whatever,
Speaker 3: And then I, like it was getting colder. I showed
Speaker 3: up at her house and I was like, hey, remember
Speaker 3: when you said that shit about me staying here? And
Speaker 3: she was like, oh yeah, And her parents were like,
Speaker 3: you can't just invite strange boys to stay at our house.
Speaker 3: You know, her dad's a paraplegic. She had two younger brothers,
Speaker 3: but I stayed that night, talked to her mom like
Speaker 3: all in through the night, and then the next day
Speaker 3: they were like, come back for dinner, and long story short,
Speaker 3: I stayed with them for the rest of my senior year.
Speaker 3: They co signed my student loans to go to college.
Speaker 3: They bought me a car for graduation. She is still
Speaker 3: to this day my best friend. I was like her
Speaker 3: best man in her wedding. I flew back to see
Speaker 3: her when she got a divorce, you know, like I
Speaker 3: and I will say like, as as a follow up,
Speaker 3: my parents and I are good. My mom and I
Speaker 3: are good. At this point, my dad did pass away
Speaker 3: during COVID and that was really hard, but it was honestly,
Speaker 3: the silver lining of my dad's passing is like I
Speaker 3: had never been in a relationship in my entire life,
Speaker 3: and so my entire life, the homosexuality part of my
Speaker 3: life was sort of a don't ass, don't tell situation
Speaker 3: with my parents, Like they were very uncurious about who
Speaker 3: I was dating, if I was dating anything like that.
Speaker 3: As long as we didn't have to talk about that,
Speaker 3: then it was it was cool. And then my dad
Speaker 3: died and I was like, well, shit, like I would
Speaker 3: have liked to have known how he would have reacted
Speaker 3: if I brought someone home. And so I finally talked
Speaker 3: to my mom and I was like, hey, I just
Speaker 3: need to know, like if I fell in love today
Speaker 3: and wanted to bring someone home to meet you, like,
Speaker 3: what would you do? I just need to know this.
Speaker 3: And she was like, you know, we're not on the
Speaker 3: same page as you are on that part of your life.
Speaker 3: But if you found someone you loved and who loved
Speaker 3: you back, I would love them as much as I
Speaker 3: love your brother in law, and your dad would felt
Speaker 3: the same way. And then coincidentally, two months later, I
Speaker 3: met my part now and I brought him home to
Speaker 3: meet her. She was lovely, he was a hit. It's
Speaker 3: still not perfect because they're like you know, Fox News,
Speaker 3: trumpy family to the nines, but things are better and
Speaker 3: she asks about him now, and that for me, coming
Speaker 3: from like where we came from, where it all started
Speaker 3: with the journal and the breakdown and the hospital and
Speaker 3: all of this bullshit, to now where she's like welcoming
Speaker 3: my boyfriend into her home with open arms, it's really
Speaker 3: like it's a nice sort of closing of the loop.
Speaker 1: For me, it's also a beautiful example of your girlfriend's parents,
Speaker 1: like the idea of acceptance versus denialism. You know, of
Speaker 1: your own children, what you can foster when you accept
Speaker 1: someone's choices just because they're different from your own, is
Speaker 1: it a reason to exclude someone, It's a reason to say, oh,
Speaker 1: you know. And obviously with people with Christian backgrounds religious upbringing,
Speaker 1: obviously that's an indoctrination of another kind. But what a
Speaker 1: beautiful story to know about that, that family that took
Speaker 1: you in and gave you a home when your only
Speaker 1: owned family couldn't provide that acceptably well.
Speaker 3: And one of the ironic things about that story is
Speaker 3: her dad was the Methodist pastor in town. Very progressive
Speaker 3: pastor though, and like very much like, And I remember,
Speaker 3: this is how fucked up I was when I was
Speaker 3: leaving my parents' house, and for that full year I
Speaker 3: was out, I was like, well, I was so indoctrinated
Speaker 3: into evangelicalism that I was like, I'm going to Hell. Eventually,
Speaker 3: I will go to Hell. I'm but I can't deny
Speaker 3: this about myself, so I might as well have some fun,
Speaker 3: suck some dick now, and eventually I'll go to Hell.
Speaker 3: And her dad eventually caught wind and like figured out
Speaker 3: that that was what my thinking was, and he straight
Speaker 3: up I remember, I will always remember this conversation because
Speaker 3: it changed my life. He was like, that's not the case.
Speaker 3: Hell isn't real, and if it were, God would not
Speaker 3: send gay people there. And hearing that from a man
Speaker 3: of the cloth, you know, like an actual pastor, changed
Speaker 3: my life and changed my outlook on the rest of
Speaker 3: my life because suddenly I was it was like freeing
Speaker 3: to hear that from somebody in authority. So it was
Speaker 3: really life changing. And it's why I have like as
Speaker 3: a card carrying liberal gay person. You know. Obviously religion
Speaker 3: is a touchy subject for me, but I do believe
Speaker 3: that there are people out there who are doing good
Speaker 3: in God's name, not necessarily all of them, certainly not
Speaker 3: the majority of them, but there are people out there
Speaker 3: who are trying to change the conversation. And my friend
Speaker 3: actually became a pastor just like her dad, and she
Speaker 3: just held a drag show at the church. Is mostly
Speaker 3: focused on getting homeless people off the street. She does
Speaker 3: not give a shit about like any of like what
Speaker 3: you smoke or what you drink, or who you fuck
Speaker 3: or any of those things. Like her ministry is very
Speaker 3: much based on like making sure people have community and
Speaker 3: are field supported, you know, in all the real ways
Speaker 3: that you need to be supported in order to live
Speaker 3: a full life in this world. So yeah, that's sort
Speaker 3: of where I'm.
Speaker 1: At, because if those people hadn't taken you in, like,
Speaker 1: who knows what would have happened, especially with your bipolar Like,
Speaker 1: who knows what could have happened, Like anyone who's listening, Like,
Speaker 1: when you see somebody who needs help and you can
Speaker 1: give them that help, like provide them you can open
Speaker 1: up your home to them, or help them financially or whatever,
Speaker 1: Like you can change someone's like the course of someone's life.
Speaker 1: And imagine that feeling, not even just for the person
Speaker 1: you're helping, for your own, you know, like it just
Speaker 1: feels so wonderful. Those people must feel so good, and
Speaker 1: I mean and their real children must feel so proud
Speaker 1: of that, you know, and they're going to be able
Speaker 1: to suck it forward. Since we're talking about so much
Speaker 1: dick sucking, I thought I would throw in another sucking. Okay,
Speaker 1: well this is an advice podcast, Joel, Right, are you
Speaker 1: fucking ready?
Speaker 3: I'm fucking ready, okay, esamos.
Speaker 1: Listo's We'll be right back, We're.
Speaker 2: Back, We're back. Our first question comes from Alyssa Milano.
Speaker 1: It is it is, in fact, told her to stop
Speaker 1: calling into this show enough already.
Speaker 2: She says, you're Chelsea. I'm a queer, thirty six year
Speaker 2: old woman, and I'm in my first same sex relationship.
Speaker 2: It's still a bit new, but honestly, I feel head
Speaker 2: over heels in love. My question is about telling my
Speaker 2: own mother about this relationship. I have been able to
Speaker 2: be open and honest and have come out to my
Speaker 2: close friends and sisters. I've just been learning how to
Speaker 2: set small boundaries with my mother and it's been hard.
Speaker 2: We essentially don't really talk anymore. The next time I
Speaker 2: see her will be on a week long family vacation
Speaker 2: in a few months. Would it be okay to send
Speaker 2: a text message to my own mother telling her I'm
Speaker 2: actually bisexual and have a serious girlfriend, or should I
Speaker 2: wait until we're together?
Speaker 3: Alyssa, Yeah, I kind of wonder. I would like to
Speaker 3: know a little bit more context for like where the
Speaker 3: mom is at with these things, because you do have
Speaker 3: you generally know how your parents feel about gay people
Speaker 3: these days, because we're everywhere, We're on the TV, we're
Speaker 3: in target, we're everywhere.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but if we don't stay gay, everyone will stop
Speaker 1: being gay.
Speaker 3: But without that knowledge, I think the responsible thing to
Speaker 3: do for both her and the mom is to text
Speaker 3: before the vacation because if things blow up because of
Speaker 3: the text message, you ain't going on that vacation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, vacation's bad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah I would. It's the dynamic between the mom
Speaker 1: and her.
Speaker 2: She just said there's been some boundaries and they're not
Speaker 2: really talking.
Speaker 3: Okay, Yeah, you're about to go on a fucking vacation together.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, family vacations are always such a hot mess.
Speaker 1: You know, three days in they're fine, and then the
Speaker 1: last four days you're like, what the fuck are we
Speaker 1: still doing here? You know, everyone gets so annoyed with
Speaker 1: their families. But I agree you have to tell her beforehand,
Speaker 1: just out of respect, because you don't want to put
Speaker 1: yourself in that situation. Yeah, you know, like go showing
Speaker 1: up in a vacation that you might have to leave
Speaker 1: prematurely early and uh yeah, and saying you're bisexual and
Speaker 1: that you're in love with someone, Like it's not like
Speaker 1: you're telling her you're bisexual and that's it. Like you're
Speaker 1: telling her for a reason, because there's someone in your
Speaker 1: life that you love and respect and is hopefully going
Speaker 1: to be loved and respected by your family as well.
Speaker 1: So yes, I would definitely let her know or call her.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that you can. I think ultimately, if you
Speaker 3: go on this vacation and you reveal this information, I
Speaker 3: mean you are following in a long line of bisexuals
Speaker 3: who love attention, but you will make this vacation all
Speaker 3: about you like that. Suddenly the vacation is no longer
Speaker 3: about the vacation. It is about this revelation that you
Speaker 3: have revealed to your mother and the group. So I
Speaker 3: think like priming her beforehand so that she has time
Speaker 3: to get over it too, if she is if there
Speaker 3: is a problem or she's you know, got a time
Speaker 3: to process it before the vacation is I think the
Speaker 3: respectful thing to do.
Speaker 1: For another creative way to do it is just to
Speaker 1: get some video of you going down on your girlfriend
Speaker 1: and just sending that to your mom.
Speaker 3: Yeah, your sex tape, babe, So good.
Speaker 1: Luck, let us know what happens.
Speaker 2: Thanks, Alissa. Well, our first caller is Mia and her
Speaker 2: job is she is a freelance dancer, and she'll give
Speaker 2: a little more context for this when she pops on
Speaker 2: the phone as well. My childhood best friend just chat
Speaker 2: on me and our entire friendship and says she doesn't
Speaker 2: want to work on our relationship, but she's getting married
Speaker 2: in a few months and I'm supposed to be her
Speaker 2: maid of honor. She still wants me at the wedding
Speaker 2: and the bachelorette read to plan both of these things.
Speaker 2: But I feel there's no way I can go given
Speaker 2: the unforgivable things she's said to me. I'm worried if
Speaker 2: I don't go, it'll seem really true matic and self centered,
Speaker 2: which would only confirm her assessment that I'm the most
Speaker 2: self involved person she's ever met. Do I fake it
Speaker 2: for her sake? Or do I protect my own feelings
Speaker 2: and wallet and tell her I won't be attending. Mia, Hi,
Speaker 2: miya himya Hi?
Speaker 1: How are you?
Speaker 4: I'm good?
Speaker 2: How are you good?
Speaker 3: Wonderful? I have to say for the listeners at home,
Speaker 3: Mia is gorgeous.
Speaker 1: Yes, well, all of our callers are good.
Speaker 3: Luck important contract to have.
Speaker 2: Always are Yes, and Mia, you told me a little
Speaker 2: bit more about the falling out that you had centered
Speaker 2: around a mutual friend's wedding, so let us know what happened.
Speaker 4: So, my grand mother, who I was very close with,
Speaker 4: died a few weeks ago, and her funeral happened to
Speaker 4: be on the same day as a friend's wedding that
Speaker 4: I was in. I was a bridesmaid. As soon as
Speaker 4: I knew, I told this friend. She understood obviously that
Speaker 4: I wouldn't be there until the ceremony and I would
Speaker 4: try my best to make it to the ceremony, and
Speaker 4: she had a plan B in case I didn't make
Speaker 4: it because I didn't want to leave my grandma's funeral early.
Speaker 4: And then my childhood friend who was also attending this wedding,
Speaker 4: came with me to the funeral, which was very nice,
Speaker 4: and then we went to the wedding together and we
Speaker 4: made it eight minutes before the wedding started, and I
Speaker 4: ran in told the bride that I was ready to go.
Speaker 4: But I completely understand if you don't want me to
Speaker 4: mess up your plan B. I can sit in the back,
Speaker 4: I can stand whatever you need, and she wanted me
Speaker 4: to walk, so we made it work. Went back to
Speaker 4: the original plan. Ceremony happened. It was great, And then
Speaker 4: afterwards my best friend, who had come to the funeral
Speaker 4: with me, said you better not pull that shit at
Speaker 4: my wedding. I won't be as nice, and then proceeded
Speaker 4: to talk a lot of shit about me to my
Speaker 4: friends at the wedding, about how selfish I am and
Speaker 4: how annoying it was that we got there so last minute.
Speaker 4: And so then I reached out to her a week
Speaker 4: later to talk and have a sober conversation, and I
Speaker 4: was expecting it to be very non competation, which she
Speaker 4: usually is, and kind of just brush over, but she
Speaker 4: just went at me and said I'm the most self
Speaker 4: absorbed person she knows, and that I should have waited
Speaker 4: outside of the wedding until it was over, and I
Speaker 4: made it all about me, and then went on to
Speaker 4: say that I'm super judgmental and critical of her of
Speaker 4: her life choices, and she feels anxious every time she's
Speaker 4: around me, and I'm needy and I need to let
Speaker 4: go of how our friendship was in middle school and
Speaker 4: just dig after dig. And I know I can't prove
Speaker 4: to you guys that I'm not these things, but I
Speaker 4: think I have a pretty.
Speaker 2: Good, seem pretty shell.
Speaker 4: So Yeah, it was just super hurtful. We've talked for
Speaker 4: a long time, and it was you know, I was
Speaker 4: like on the burge of tears. And then at the end,
Speaker 4: I was like, all right, well, it seems like we
Speaker 4: have both have resentments towards each other that we can
Speaker 4: work on. I'm so sorry that for my part whatever,
Speaker 4: And she was like, what are you talking about. I
Speaker 4: don't have any resentments. I'm fine. I don't cold grudge it.
Speaker 4: Still wants me to be her maid of honor at
Speaker 4: the wedding, still wants me to plan her bachelorette but
Speaker 4: to me, like she just broke my heart and just
Speaker 4: like completely dismissed her entire friendship. So I'm wondering if
Speaker 4: I should go to this wedding. I'm very close with
Speaker 4: her whole family. My family's going to the wedding. We
Speaker 4: just got the invite a few days ago. Like it's
Speaker 4: still very much expected that I go, but I also
Speaker 4: feel very hurt.
Speaker 2: And you know, there is a level of like do
Speaker 2: you go to the wedding or are you the maid
Speaker 2: of honor? I mean if that is a whole other
Speaker 2: level of commitment and spending hours and hours planning a
Speaker 2: party and bachelorettes and cost and all kinds of things.
Speaker 3: Have you straight up asked this woman, if all of
Speaker 3: these things are true, why do you want me in
Speaker 3: the wedding?
Speaker 4: I haven't. I haven't spoken to her since this conversation,
Speaker 4: which was like two weeks ago.
Speaker 1: Now it was a conversation in person or on the phone.
Speaker 4: It was in person, and we ended it with her
Speaker 4: being like I'm fine, I'm ready to move on, and
Speaker 4: me being like I need the second and so I
Speaker 4: think the ball is sort of in my court to
Speaker 4: reach out, which I haven't done.
Speaker 3: I think this needs another conversation for sure before you
Speaker 3: make a call. Either way, I think like it's I
Speaker 3: I am having trouble understanding where she's coming from. If
Speaker 3: she just needed to unload on you and then expect
Speaker 3: it to be done, or if there are still like
Speaker 3: she still needs to work something out before having you,
Speaker 3: because my instinct is to say no, like fuck this chick.
Speaker 3: But right, I do think you, because of history, owe
Speaker 3: her at least one other conversation where you express to
Speaker 3: her I don't feel comfortable doing this because of the
Speaker 3: things that you said, And if this is how you
Speaker 3: feel about me, then why would you want me to
Speaker 3: be your maid of honor?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's how I feel too.
Speaker 1: Have you discussed this with your family at all that's
Speaker 1: going to the wedding?
Speaker 4: Yeah, and they they think I should go and just
Speaker 4: fake it. And my brother says it would be our
Speaker 4: friendship funeral, so sort of like there might not be
Speaker 4: a future after this, but just go and and not
Speaker 4: give her a reason to say, like, see, she's making
Speaker 4: it all about her again.
Speaker 3: It's a trap. It's such a fucking trap. She's trapped you.
Speaker 1: I yeah, I also, did you bring up during this
Speaker 1: conversation I was coming from my fucking grandparents funeral?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know she was there.
Speaker 4: I was like, I'll try not to have somebody else
Speaker 4: I love a lot die right before your wedding. And
Speaker 4: she was like, I'm not saying don't have them die.
Speaker 4: I'm just saying don't come to the ceremony then.
Speaker 2: But it's not like you walked up in the middle
Speaker 2: of their vows, you know.
Speaker 1: But wait, she didn't come to the funeral with you.
Speaker 1: She just came to the wedding with you, right, Oh,
Speaker 1: she went to the funeral with you too.
Speaker 4: Yeah, sheat first hand, like how tragic it.
Speaker 1: Was Listen, it doesn't even matter if any of the
Speaker 1: things she said about you are true. You don't even
Speaker 1: you don't deliver information like that to somebody that you
Speaker 1: care about in love. She's obviously stretched out of her
Speaker 1: own fucking wedding or her own life or whatever the
Speaker 1: fuck's going on. But I absolutely you cannot put yourself
Speaker 1: in a position to be abused like that again, And
Speaker 1: you can't throw her a bachelorette party after she spoke
Speaker 1: to you like that. It's one thing to show up
Speaker 1: for her wedding, it's another thing to participate in that
Speaker 1: wedding and be in the wedding party and be a
Speaker 1: part of her bachelorette You absolutely need to have a
Speaker 1: conversation with her, and I think you can either start
Speaker 1: it with an email that lays out your feelings in
Speaker 1: a very calm and graceful way, like these are all
Speaker 1: the things that you said to me, And it's been
Speaker 1: really hard for me to even think about all of
Speaker 1: this stuff, and it's been so hurtful for me that
Speaker 1: I have to talk to you again about this, because
Speaker 1: if this is really how you feel about me and
Speaker 1: you don't want to discuss it any Further, I don't
Speaker 1: understand why you would want me to be a part
Speaker 1: of your wedding right out of respect for our relationship.
Speaker 1: I deserve you to have a bit and be able
Speaker 1: to have another conversation instead of saying I can't. It's
Speaker 1: all about for her to vilify you. Go into your
Speaker 1: grand parents funeral before a wedding and then making the
Speaker 1: effort to show up to that wedding is anything but dramatic.
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, It's not like you did this in front
Speaker 3: of Like you didn't interrupt the ceremony. It's not like
Speaker 3: you ran in while they were doing their value down
Speaker 3: some for your place in the in the receiving line,
Speaker 3: Like it's giving sociopath behavior. I don't like it kind
Speaker 3: of is are you?
Speaker 1: Like you're sitting there during the whole wedding crying about
Speaker 1: your grandparent dying, Like what is she talking about? I
Speaker 1: don't understand. I don't either.
Speaker 4: It's really shocked.
Speaker 1: Has she ever exhibited behavior like this to you before?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: I mean I will say, we have been distant in
Speaker 4: the past few years, and we still you know, had
Speaker 4: a great relationship, but it was not as close emotionally,
Speaker 4: and so I knew something was up, and I tried
Speaker 4: to sort of like sometimes bring it up in a
Speaker 4: gentle way, but it was she didn't want to talk
Speaker 4: about it, and she didn't want to like talk about feelings,
Speaker 4: and so I kind of was just like, all right,
Speaker 4: I'm just going to leave it until after the wedding.
Speaker 4: Maybe she's stressed about that. I don't want to add
Speaker 4: to her stress. I didn't want to make it about me. Shocker.
Speaker 3: How much time before the wedding.
Speaker 2: It's in September, so several months.
Speaker 3: She's got time she's figure it out.
Speaker 4: Like two months until the bachelorette.
Speaker 3: That's plenty of time. Yeah, I figure to Dave and Busters, Okay,
Speaker 3: that's that's what she gets if you tell her if
Speaker 3: if you want me to be your maid of honor,
Speaker 3: this is what you're getting. Okay, to miser it with
Speaker 3: the way you've treated me. Your bachelorette is at Dave
Speaker 3: and Buster's bitch.
Speaker 2: And I think, to further let her off the hook,
Speaker 2: she did mention there is a co maid of honor.
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: So like I feel like you're fully off the hook.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I think you just you couch the conversation
Speaker 3: and like I don't feel comfortable being in this position
Speaker 3: in your wedding. I'm happy to want to stand up
Speaker 3: for you, be in the wedding, come to the wedding.
Speaker 3: But like you, obviously you don't want me to be
Speaker 3: your maid of honor anymore.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't sound like you like me, That's what
Speaker 1: I said.
Speaker 3: It's a huge pre wreck for the job. I foind h.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so mean spirited. I mean to go off
Speaker 1: on somebody. I just can't get past the fact that
Speaker 1: you were coming from a funeral, Like what friend would
Speaker 1: be back mouthing you to your other friends? And how
Speaker 1: did you find that out? Because your other friends told you.
Speaker 4: Yeah, jeez, and they while she was doing that, Oh
Speaker 4: they did.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a nice good thing to add in the
Speaker 1: letter to your friend is a mess. As you've told
Speaker 1: me and as I've heard from others, you were very
Speaker 1: you know, and as you said to me, thank you
Speaker 1: for telling me to my face because I know now
Speaker 1: how you feel. And yeah, no I don't. I'm all
Speaker 1: for saying fuck off. She owes you an apology, like
Speaker 1: a major apology, and yeah, so annoying. I hate when
Speaker 1: friends are like well.
Speaker 3: I heard this podcast when when it comes out, and
Speaker 3: so that she can hear me say definitively, you are
Speaker 3: a mess.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's worse than Bridezilla behavior.
Speaker 3: And that's something else.
Speaker 1: It's funny that you say that your friends told you
Speaker 1: because I was having a conversation with someone the other
Speaker 1: night and he's like, this is just between you and me.
Speaker 1: I go, can we all stop saying that? Like, obviously,
Speaker 1: but also as an adult, you think I'm going to
Speaker 1: go to our mutual friend and say that you don't
Speaker 1: like her, that you hate her, But then that's exactly.
Speaker 1: But at a certain age, you just stop repeating what
Speaker 1: everybody else is saying, even if it's about me. What's
Speaker 1: the currency there? She doesn't like you, Like, we're not
Speaker 1: in high school anymore. We're adults at least. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm forty eight, you're young. So but I mean in
Speaker 1: this situation again, I actually like your friends for telling
Speaker 1: you that, because yeah, she is to hear that. She
Speaker 1: needs to know that everyone she's talking to is talking
Speaker 1: about her.
Speaker 3: I think, are you are you gen z or you
Speaker 3: a millennial?
Speaker 4: I'm a millennial?
Speaker 3: You are? Yeah, it's because we can't buy houses. We're
Speaker 3: all stunted. You know, we don't have money, so we
Speaker 3: have gossips.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's your currency. Information, drugs, pills, and information. That's
Speaker 1: all you can do. Just fill yourself up.
Speaker 3: With all three things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would definitely send her, send her an email,
Speaker 1: like a preliminary email, laying it all out in a
Speaker 1: very calm, nice way, like you've demonstrated this entire conversation
Speaker 1: to counter the behavior that she's demonstrating and see where
Speaker 1: that gets you, and be prepared to just be like,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it. I'm not gonna go and be
Speaker 1: you like. It's so abusive for somebody to tear you
Speaker 1: down like that.
Speaker 2: All right, Mia, would you do us a favor and
Speaker 2: send us the letter that you write to her. I'd
Speaker 2: be happy to look over it before you send it
Speaker 2: if you want help.
Speaker 1: But absolutely great, idea.
Speaker 2: Awesome, thanks me. I'll let us know how it goes.
Speaker 2: We are waiting.
Speaker 1: And you're real cute, miya. Oh yes, don't forget that.
Speaker 3: I'm definitely instinctually on your side because I know what
Speaker 3: you look like, and you're pretty.
Speaker 1: I feel like Joe Kim is attracted to you a
Speaker 1: little bit.
Speaker 3: Okay, it's coming.
Speaker 1: I'm getting older than get older. It can be reversed.
Speaker 1: Don't forget.
Speaker 3: I did once finger a woman in a bar when
Speaker 3: I was on my twenty first birthday. Immediately started to
Speaker 3: cry afterwards, she did, or you did? I did? There's
Speaker 3: nothing gayer than fingering a woman and crying afterwards?
Speaker 1: Did you cry in front of her?
Speaker 3: On the side, she she had to console me. We
Speaker 3: were sitting on the curb outside the bar afterwards, and
Speaker 3: she had to console me. Drive me home? Man?
Speaker 1: What what about her made you cry? Fingering her? Mad?
Speaker 1: I was.
Speaker 3: I was like near blackout drunk, and I was like,
Speaker 3: what does this mean? Does this mean I'm not gay anymore?
Speaker 3: And she was like, yes, sweetie, it's you're definitely.
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about getting figured by a gay man
Speaker 1: and how disappointing that would be. All right, Thank you, honey,
Speaker 1: Thanks for calling. Okay, good luck with everything. Keep us posted.
Speaker 1: I want to hear what happens all right?
Speaker 4: Guy?
Speaker 1: Did you ever you never had sex with one?
Speaker 3: No? No, gold star?
Speaker 1: And did you make out with this woman that you
Speaker 1: were fingering? Yeah? Because I like the idea of just figuring.
Speaker 3: With that No, yeah, going going straight in there.
Speaker 1: It all just slipped in. I don't think that's ever
Speaker 1: happened to me. Oh, yes it has.
Speaker 3: Well.
Speaker 2: Our next caller is Emily. This is a slightly more
Speaker 2: sober question, but not too serious.
Speaker 3: We'll figure out a way.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Dear Chelsea, I want your advice on how you
Speaker 2: remain productive and motivated whilst managing so many different projects
Speaker 2: in your life and career. I've recently had a really
Speaker 2: hard time with being really tired at the end of
Speaker 2: my workdays and therefore drained of energy to keep up
Speaker 2: with the thing I enjoy doing outside of my job,
Speaker 2: which is writing. I've been chipping away at a novel series,
Speaker 2: contributing to an online feminist magazine, and expanding an essay
Speaker 2: I wrote into a book. I recently started thinking that
Speaker 2: I may want to publish these in the future. But
Speaker 2: here's the problem. When my workday ends, I have absolutely
Speaker 2: no motivation to sit down and write like I used to.
Speaker 2: I work in a high stress, demanding nine to five
Speaker 2: where I'm constantly interacting with people for the entire eight hours.
Speaker 2: I work for the federal government. I spend all day
Speaker 2: writing little notes to myself for my nonfiction book I've
Speaker 2: begun and thinking about plotlines for my novels. I tell myself,
Speaker 2: when I'm done with my actual job, I'll get down
Speaker 2: to business with my writing. But by the time five
Speaker 2: pm rolls around, I'm so exhausted and tired of typing, talking,
Speaker 2: thinking of words, and looking at screens that I just
Speaker 2: lie in bed like a potato on my phone. On
Speaker 2: top of the nine to five, I also work a
Speaker 2: part time job, which I enjoy seriously, no wonder you're
Speaker 2: fucking tired, just as something to get me out of
Speaker 2: the house and see my friends. She's twenty six, by
Speaker 2: the way, Okay, so she's got the energy as someone.
Speaker 1: Who somehow doesn't have the energy, though, so as someone.
Speaker 2: Who somehow miraculously finds time to write books and pieces
Speaker 2: while actively engaging with your career, what's your advice for
Speaker 2: someone who just feels perpetually tired and whose brain feels
Speaker 2: like mush after eight hours of work. Ps. As a
Speaker 2: history major, I absolutely eat up your book recommendations with
Speaker 2: a spoon. I just finished Cuba and American History and
Speaker 2: I've pre ordered on Our Best Behavior. And as a Canadian,
Speaker 2: I love how much you love us? Emily, Hi, Emily.
Speaker 3: Another question, I know there's so hot, how do you
Speaker 3: do you scream for.
Speaker 1: The we only take good looking callers. That's not true.
Speaker 1: I don't want people who don't think they're good looking
Speaker 1: to not call in. I just want you to send
Speaker 1: us a picture first. This is our special guest, Joe
Speaker 1: Kim Booster. Say Hi, Hi, hy, Nice to meet you.
Speaker 3: Nice to meet you too. I really relate to this
Speaker 3: because I worked a desk job for many, many years
Speaker 3: and was writing at the same time, trying to and
Speaker 3: doing stand up at the same time, and so I
Speaker 3: completely understand the experience of working fifty hours a week
Speaker 3: and still trying to find time to do your creative pursuits.
Speaker 3: So this really this hit home for me in a
Speaker 3: big way.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you, so you work the second job
Speaker 1: for what purpose? Is it for financial reasons or you
Speaker 1: said just to get out of the house.
Speaker 5: It is to get out of the house a little bit,
Speaker 5: because it's the first job I had, like after undergrad
Speaker 5: so all of my friends are there, and this current
Speaker 5: job is remote, so I just find I don't know
Speaker 5: that I would be able to force myself to leave
Speaker 5: the house if I didn't have this other job, So
Speaker 5: it is yeah, a reason. Of course, money is involved.
Speaker 5: In that as well, but mostly to see my friends
Speaker 5: and to get.
Speaker 1: Out of the house that night.
Speaker 5: Yeah, eve being the.
Speaker 1: Weekends, how many days a week do you do that?
Speaker 5: Bout three? Two or three?
Speaker 3: Okay, that's not too bad.
Speaker 1: So you just have to set This is so easy.
Speaker 1: All you have to do is set up a new system. Okay.
Speaker 1: So writing is your passion, that's really what you want
Speaker 1: to get after, right, you need to wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning and to saying that is what every creative like.
Speaker 1: There's a book this I want you to get. This book.
Speaker 1: It's called Daily Rituals and it do you know what
Speaker 1: I'm do you have it? Have you seen that id
Speaker 1: of it? Okay? This it shows you what every philosopher, artist,
Speaker 1: all the fate like Michael Angelo, like di Angelo, the
Speaker 1: guy who made the pizzas any Angelo, philosopher's, politicians, comedians, artists, actors,
Speaker 1: people who get up in the morning and do like
Speaker 1: the first three hours between like five thirty and eight
Speaker 1: thirty am are the biggest peaks of creativity for all artists.
Speaker 1: And if you have all day to be an artist,
Speaker 1: then that's supposed to be like a three to two
Speaker 1: hour work session in the morning. Then you take a break,
Speaker 1: go for a walk, take a nap, whatever you're into,
Speaker 1: and then you come back and you have like another
Speaker 1: two hours in the afternoon. But first thing in the
Speaker 1: morning for writing, I can tell you, is my most
Speaker 1: creative and where I have the most clarity is first
Speaker 1: thing in the morning, because of course after the day
Speaker 1: you're tired. You're working a full time job, so you
Speaker 1: have to harness your energy when you have it, right,
Speaker 1: So just start changing the time that you go to
Speaker 1: bed and the time you wake up and give yourself
Speaker 1: even if it's one hour in the morning before you
Speaker 1: go to work, if you have to get up, get
Speaker 1: ready and then do it, or you do it while
Speaker 1: you're in bed right for an hour and then go
Speaker 1: get ready for your day. Start changing your schedule and
Speaker 1: reconfigure how you're doing that. Because your goal is to
Speaker 1: get your books published, right, so you have to make
Speaker 1: that your biggest priority, and you're letting the other things
Speaker 1: that you don't care about as much overshadow that.
Speaker 3: And I can I say too, this is a big thing,
Speaker 3: I think especially for people who work remotely. Now change
Speaker 3: where you are doing your personal writing because you are
Speaker 3: spending so much time at home and your brain is
Speaker 3: in work mode. Now you've turned your home into work mode,
Speaker 3: and so it's really hard to make that switch from
Speaker 3: I'm at work to now I'm doing this thing for
Speaker 3: me when it's all in the same place. So if
Speaker 3: you can find a separate space, a coffee shop, what
Speaker 3: have you, if you have the money, a we workspace,
Speaker 3: whatever you need to do. Either take your work out
Speaker 3: of your home and make your home your sanctuary of
Speaker 3: where you do your actual writing, or take the writing
Speaker 3: out of your home and figure out because it really
Speaker 3: does change your mindset. When you're trying to do both
Speaker 3: things in the same space, it doesn't work as well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and she actually was at a cafe when we
Speaker 2: had our pre interview. She's like, I'm doing some writing,
Speaker 2: so that was great.
Speaker 1: What time do you start your workday? Nine?
Speaker 5: My work day eight to four is what I work.
Speaker 1: Oh, eight to four, so that's early, okay, but I
Speaker 1: think you should try that for a week. Get up early.
Speaker 1: You're going to have to try and go to bed
Speaker 1: earlier and get up early. Let's set your alarm for
Speaker 1: five point thirty in the morning or whatever. It can
Speaker 1: allow you an hour of creativity. Okay, Where do you live.
Speaker 1: You listen where where you can go somewhere that early,
Speaker 1: Like at six am? Can you go to a coffee shop?
Speaker 1: I could?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Actually, yeah, I think you should.
Speaker 5: I was even saying to Catherine yesterday as well, like
Speaker 5: trying to that mindset of trying to get out of
Speaker 5: the house, because even when I was in university, I
Speaker 5: found the same thing, like I was not able to
Speaker 5: get academic writing or creative writing done at home. I
Speaker 5: had to go out. But even that I'm finding like
Speaker 5: it's much harder to make myself focus even out of
Speaker 5: the even outside of the of my house, like if
Speaker 5: I go to a Starbucks or whatever else.
Speaker 1: Okay, well you have to try out a couple of places.
Speaker 1: Can you go right in a park?
Speaker 3: Like is there god? Libraries so underrated? You don't have
Speaker 3: to buy shit at six in the morning, that's fair.
Speaker 3: But if you go after work, you could go, like
Speaker 3: make four to six sort of your your period too.
Speaker 3: I know it's not as effective because it's later in
Speaker 3: the it's not less effective.
Speaker 1: I just think you need to get into a habit, right,
Speaker 1: Like you want to create a habit so that you're
Speaker 1: because because if you do something for a week you're
Speaker 1: gonna the next time you're like, wait, wait a second,
Speaker 1: why am I not doing it? Like it becomes part
Speaker 1: of your day, and it becomes a daily ritual, which
Speaker 1: is really important for you to just because that's going
Speaker 1: to infuse everything. Once you get your creative juices flowing,
Speaker 1: that infuses the rest of your life. You're not going
Speaker 1: to feel as tired, I promise you from your regular
Speaker 1: job when you're giving yourself the grace and like you said,
Speaker 1: you know if it's completely undoable, but it doesn't sound
Speaker 1: like it is. You start at eight thirty, you can
Speaker 1: get up a couple hours earlier, get up at six
Speaker 1: o'clock in the morning and write from six thirty to
Speaker 1: seven thirty, and then get ready for work and do
Speaker 1: that for a week, and you're just going to feel
Speaker 1: your self esteem is carried by your creativity. When you're
Speaker 1: a creative, that's all you need is to constantly be
Speaker 1: working and writing, and then that fills you up and
Speaker 1: it adds and lends energy to the stuff that isn't
Speaker 1: as exciting.
Speaker 3: And I don't want to I feel like I need
Speaker 3: to address the elephant in the room, which is why
Speaker 3: aren't you writing while you're at work, like what, like,
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I know what it's like to work at
Speaker 3: desk job for fifty hours a week. There's so little
Speaker 3: work that you like. There are ways you can figure
Speaker 3: out how to sort of half asset at your real
Speaker 3: job so that you can spend some day, some hours
Speaker 3: during the day doing your writing work. You work for
Speaker 3: the government, so it sounds like you have a really
Speaker 3: intense job. I was working for fucking startups where you
Speaker 3: sell men's socks online, so it's a little different. But
Speaker 3: I did some of my I wrote my first script
Speaker 3: while at work, so I think it is it is.
Speaker 2: Possible or lunch breaks. Maybe there's a lunch break situation,
Speaker 2: big lunch break.
Speaker 5: Yeah, my lunch breaks are really short. Unfortunately the nature
Speaker 5: of my job, like my notes on my phone are
Speaker 5: full of stuff like little thoughts that I do have
Speaker 5: time to jot down throughout the day, but then by
Speaker 5: the time I do get off work and go to
Speaker 5: sit down, that's it. I just like don't want to
Speaker 5: look at a computer anymore do anything. And if I
Speaker 5: had like more opportunity throughout my work day, I definitely
Speaker 5: would be taking more advantage of that.
Speaker 2: I would also say, I mean maybe maybe not staring
Speaker 2: at a screen. Maybe you're writing long hand that you
Speaker 2: can then point your phone at it and it turns
Speaker 2: it into text. That's like a new thing that you
Speaker 2: can do.
Speaker 1: But if it's writing long hand, besides Barack Obama, oh yes,
Speaker 1: I can't I write a thank you card, I'm my
Speaker 1: go for it. I'm just like thanks, I think I'm
Speaker 1: going to write this whole thing.
Speaker 2: And then on my hand is so tired write line
Speaker 2: I'm allowed to read a write in this country. But
Speaker 2: also I'd say take a look at your notes at night,
Speaker 2: right before you turn off your light, so that you
Speaker 2: have those sort of percolating in your brain all night,
Speaker 2: and when you wake up, you're going to find like
Speaker 2: things have synthesized and you are like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: I can't wait to get this onto a page.
Speaker 1: A good idea. Yeah, that is a good idea.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 1: And then or you could take Joel's device and lose
Speaker 1: your job.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, So then you'll have plenty of.
Speaker 1: Times you decide. Even if there's a little place in
Speaker 1: your apartment, like a side little sanctuary that you set
Speaker 1: up as you're writing area, like you put a couple
Speaker 1: of things notes like things that you know, all of
Speaker 1: your writing notes, if you put those on little post
Speaker 1: its or you print them out from your phone and
Speaker 1: just put them all over, so it's like a creative
Speaker 1: kind of little area for you. So you know, we
Speaker 1: just have to psych ourselves into situations sometimes, and that's
Speaker 1: what you're like, Yeah, and you could do it. You'll
Speaker 1: do it. Do it for five days straight and get
Speaker 1: back us and let us know if it made an impact. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I definitely will thank you so much if it doesn't.
Speaker 2: If you're like, I just can't like, will myself into this,
Speaker 2: get a writing buddy. If you know you have an
Speaker 2: appointment of like, I owe three pages to this person
Speaker 2: on Wednesday.
Speaker 3: Accountability is everything, Yes, I will say too like it.
Speaker 1: I mean I don't. I don't feel accountable to for another.
Speaker 1: But I'm more accountable to.
Speaker 3: Myself if somebody. If I tell somebody that I'm doing something,
Speaker 3: then like, I feel so much guilt if I don't
Speaker 3: actually show up.
Speaker 1: Midwestern guilt.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, Western guilt. Like I you know, I'm about
Speaker 3: to do a full frontal scene for the first time
Speaker 3: on a show, and I have now told all my
Speaker 3: friends I'm doing this, so I cannot chicken out. I can't.
Speaker 3: I have to do it now. It's accountability for my dick. Great.
Speaker 1: Is that an honor of aa PI?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you're doing the Lord's work.
Speaker 3: I'm putting the p in the AAPI.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, thank you. Okay, good luck, Emila,
Speaker 1: thank you, bye bye. I like how Joel just goes
Speaker 1: into an offshoot at the end of each call about
Speaker 1: his own issues and what he's up against.
Speaker 3: Listen, I'm only here. I'm here for a short time,
Speaker 3: not a long time. I gotta get it in.
Speaker 1: It's a nice bookend to the calls. Yes to look
Speaker 1: within introsection for Joel.
Speaker 2: Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back
Speaker 2: to wrap up with that.
Speaker 1: Blew bye, Okay, we'll be right back. We're back. Sorry, guys, Sorry,
Speaker 1: we're back. That really flew by. You're funny, but it's
Speaker 1: always so much fun to do it with a comedian
Speaker 1: Matteo okay, And we laughed so hard the whole session,
Speaker 1: like people were calling it with and we couldn't even
Speaker 1: we were just making fun of everyone. And Mite's like,
Speaker 1: this is so fun. I'm like, it's not normally like this.
Speaker 1: I'm like, but when you have a comedian where everyone
Speaker 1: just goes to the wrong place right away or the
Speaker 1: right place. Yeah, okay, well.
Speaker 2: Our last question comes from Jenna Danna Bush. Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 2: I hate my twin close. I have a simple question.
Speaker 2: Is it fair of me to ask them? My boyfriend
Speaker 2: shave his face more regularly. He regularly lets his stubble
Speaker 2: grow out, and frankly, it is painful to kiss him
Speaker 2: after a couple of days of growth. He does not
Speaker 2: have a gene for facial hair and is certainly not
Speaker 2: growing it out with intention. He just can't be bothered
Speaker 2: to shave. What grows in is sporadic around his upper
Speaker 2: lip and goate zone, and by no means attractive. I
Speaker 2: see it not only as him not bothering to take
Speaker 2: care of himself, but also that he can't put in
Speaker 2: a minimal effort for me and my comfort. I find
Speaker 2: the stubble very poky and irritating to my skin when
Speaker 2: we kiss, and I tell him as much all the time.
Speaker 2: I think the lack of any sort of initiative is
Speaker 2: what bothers me as much as the stubble itself. He
Speaker 2: also regularly compares it to how I don't always feel
Speaker 2: like shaving my legs, and how would I feel if
Speaker 2: he asked me to shave my legs more often? I
Speaker 2: don't think it's a fair comparison. What can be done
Speaker 2: about this? Am I being unreasonable or controlling? Or is
Speaker 2: it fair to ask that he simply shave his face
Speaker 2: every couple of days? Much appreciation, Jenna.
Speaker 3: Listen, Jenna, you gotta take a page out of the
Speaker 3: WGA book. You gotta go on strike, bitch, no more
Speaker 3: kissing until you shave your little fou man shue. That's
Speaker 3: what you need to do, because and to compare it
Speaker 3: to shaving legs, yeah, the surface area alone, Okay, it
Speaker 3: is not the same thing at all, and you're not
Speaker 3: and he's not having to put his lips on her legs,
Speaker 3: right his entire face on her legs.
Speaker 1: Great point, Joe, great fuck point. First, Absolutely, you can
Speaker 1: demand that, and also you could also say, sure, I'll shave. Great,
Speaker 1: I'll shave my legs every three days, and you can
Speaker 1: shave your face every day. Facial hair that you're kissing
Speaker 1: exactly is the point, Like it's bothering you and it's
Speaker 1: not attractive to you. If you have a boyfriend or
Speaker 1: a girlfriend that says I love this, I love this
Speaker 1: about you. Don't you do it more like, oh, I
Speaker 1: love your hair like that. Then you start to wear
Speaker 1: your hair like that. You don't change your personality, but
Speaker 1: it's like please to the person that you care about,
Speaker 1: so you want them to like it. So it's totally
Speaker 1: within your right to be like, hey, fucking shave. It's
Speaker 1: not bad. Facial hair is bad. It's not.
Speaker 2: It's the worst like a patchy beard, there's not.
Speaker 1: And if he's acting like that when you're dating, then like, oh,
Speaker 1: then that's only gonna get worse if he doesn't nip
Speaker 1: it in the bud.
Speaker 3: Now you need to you need to do you not
Speaker 3: have like a mean gay friend who can just straight
Speaker 3: up to his face every time he doesn't shave, be like, bro,
Speaker 3: you look ugly as fuck right now.
Speaker 1: Can you get a gay friend that will do that?
Speaker 3: I'll do that. Give me his number, okay, I'll FaceTime in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, you don't have to put up with that.
Speaker 1: I had a boyfriend who when he did shave, I
Speaker 1: didn't like it, Like he looked better with facial hair
Speaker 1: than without, And I was like, oh, you better keep
Speaker 1: that fucking beard, buddy, Like I don't want to see
Speaker 1: what's under there without the beard.
Speaker 2: Well, your a boyfriend has facial.
Speaker 1: Hair a lot of me.
Speaker 3: I like him both ways, I will say, but he
Speaker 3: does look considerably younger, and he is already younger than me,
Speaker 3: so it's a problem. And he looks like he just
Speaker 3: looks like a little boy without his without his beard,
Speaker 3: which I guess I shouldn't have just said that. I
Speaker 3: liked it both ways, because God knows in this climate,
Speaker 3: hearing a gay man say I like my boyfriend when
Speaker 3: he looks like a little boy, that's that's trouble.
Speaker 1: That's the thing from based on everything you've said during
Speaker 1: this podcast, nobody's gonna hold that against you.
Speaker 2: I will be lifting that out and we'll be funny.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, that's the use that as the clip.
Speaker 3: Joel Kim Booster.
Speaker 1: Thank you Jokim. That was so much fun, so much fun.
Speaker 1: And thank you Catheriney.
Speaker 2: It's good to be with another Midwesterner.
Speaker 1: Your love, everybody.
Speaker 2: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 2: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 2: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 2: and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law, and
Speaker 2: be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot
Speaker 2: com