WEBVTT - Never Laugh at an Exorcism with Joel Kim Booster 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:00.360 Hi. 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:01.560 Oh Hi Chelsea. 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:01.800 Hi. 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:02.880 How's it going, Catherine? 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:06.160 Oh It's great. It's finally sunnay here in Los Angeles. 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:09.680 I'm so sick of people complaining about living in Los Angeles. 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:12.119 I mean, what the fuck you got a couple. There's 0:00:12.240 --> 0:00:14.600 been a month of bad weather and people are ready 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:15.120 to move. 0:00:15.720 --> 0:00:17.480 Oh my gosh. I told Radam, like, I think it's 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:19.240 time we got to make a run for I don't know, 0:00:19.560 --> 0:00:20.639 bv I or something. 0:00:20.960 --> 0:00:25.120 Oh yeah, real hot existence and they'll be underwater soon, 0:00:25.200 --> 0:00:28.040 so probably don't head down there. Good point. Okay, guys. 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:30.360 We have added more shows to my Little Big Bitch 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:33.400 Tour because I'm coming all over. We added a second 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:36.360 show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles, so that's October 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:39.440 twelfth and Friday the thirteenth, which is my favorite day 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:42.080 of the year. We added a second show in Boston 0:00:42.280 --> 0:00:45.560 at the Waging Center September twenty ninth and thirtieth is 0:00:45.720 --> 0:00:47.640 two shows in New York. I also have a show 0:00:47.680 --> 0:00:51.320 in East Hampton, New York August twenty six. We added 0:00:51.320 --> 0:00:54.360 a second show in Portland, so Thursday, November tewod Friday 0:00:54.360 --> 0:00:58.280 November third, and Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco, 0:00:58.400 --> 0:01:00.880 two shows there. We added a second show in Seattle 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:05.600 November tenth and eleventh. Two shows Boston are November sixteenth 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:10.680 and seventeenth at the Bach Center at Wang Theater. And 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:17.040 I'm also coming to Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and 0:01:17.360 --> 0:01:22.560 so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. So i 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:25.520 will see everybody at all of these shows. Thank you. 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:28.399 Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. 0:01:28.880 --> 0:01:32.319 Chelsea have a question for you, Yes, is there anything 0:01:32.520 --> 0:01:35.959 in a romantic relationship that's not actually bad but would 0:01:36.000 --> 0:01:39.480 be a deal breaker for you? For example, I don't 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:41.039 think I could date a guy that was like really 0:01:41.080 --> 0:01:43.319 into sports, Like there's nothing wrong with that, but I 0:01:43.400 --> 0:01:44.840 just it would be a deal breaker for me. 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:48.840 A deal breaker, Yeah, huh. I don't know about sports. 0:01:48.880 --> 0:01:52.120 I've never really dated anyone that's that into sports because 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:53.880 I don't think I'd be attracted to someone like that. 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:56.120 But I wouldn't be a deal breaker. If they were 0:01:56.120 --> 0:02:00.360 watching Sunday football, that would be a turnoff. I like, 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:01.920 if they had to watch football every Sunday. 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:02.680 M hmm. 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:05.400 I don't think it's just like how you spend your time. 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:07.440 Like when brattan I first started dating, he was doing 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:09.480 a lot of jazz music. I'm playing out every night, 0:02:09.480 --> 0:02:11.360 and like I was like, I'm not particularly into jazz, 0:02:11.400 --> 0:02:12.880 but this is fun. It's a cool thing to do. 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:15.800 Like I couldn't have been in this relationship if it 0:02:15.840 --> 0:02:17.360 was like go to a game with me. 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:20.160 Yeah, I mean, of course it's what you're into, right, 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:23.520 I would be into watching jazz too, for in the beginning. Yeah, 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:26.080 I'm into anything for a short period of time. But 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:28.280 it kind of takes away If somebody watches football every Sunday, 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:30.119 it kind of takes away the option of like being 0:02:30.160 --> 0:02:32.240 together unless you're gonna go and watch and I'm not 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:35.200 doing that, right, I'm not gonna spend my Sunday watching football. No, 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:38.320 especially if it involves like multiple men and beer on sofa. 0:02:38.400 --> 0:02:41.880 It's like, no, No, anyone who takes sports so seriously, 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:44.520 it's hard for me to take seriously. Yeah, I get it, 0:02:44.720 --> 0:02:48.560 but like it's not like when people are just so invested, 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:51.840 it's just like are you on the fucking team? Like relax, and. 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:54.560 Then they have their fantasy teams they have like fake football. 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:56.840 Yeah. I used to play that on Chelsea lately they 0:02:56.880 --> 0:02:58.960 made me join a fantasy football league just because I 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:01.560 was so clueless about I think I won the whole thing, 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:04.440 like two years in a row with knowing nothing, just 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:06.520 on good luck, yeah, beginner's luck. 0:03:06.760 --> 0:03:09.040 Yeah, any other sort of like well, this isn't something 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:11.000 that's wrong with this person, but I just couldn't date 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:11.519 someone who. 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:14.720 I mean clothing, there's so many clothing that I can't 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:18.960 get past, and a toe toe action. And also food, 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:21.360 like if you can't eat with your mouth closed, I 0:03:21.440 --> 0:03:24.679 find that to be pretty gross. Yeah, clumsiness, I don't. 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:26.960 That turns me off when guys are really clumsy. I 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:29.079 once went on a date with a guy to this 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:33.160 restaurant in Santa Monica and he spilled chips of guacamole 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:35.880 all over me, like within the first ten minutes of 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:37.839 me being there, and I just was like, you're such 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:41.320 an idiot, Like why would you if you did that? 0:03:41.560 --> 0:03:43.400 You're not together or like you're a. 0:03:43.320 --> 0:03:46.080 Mess literally and figurat. 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:48.040 Yeah, I was just like what I mean, it's just 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:49.000 so clumsy. 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:51.040 Do you believe like when you get the ick, you 0:03:51.080 --> 0:03:53.720 can't come back from it, like, oh, this person gave me. 0:03:54.400 --> 0:03:56.600 It depends how ick it is you know, but I 0:03:56.640 --> 0:04:00.480 have a lot of X. Yeah, fingernails. If there's any 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:03.600 length on a fingernail, Oh no, man, I can't take that. 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:04.200 That's a no. 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:07.880 I don't like anything. God forbid toenails have length on them. 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:10.440 That's also like, you have to get your foot amputated. 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:14.120 Something tells me our guest today has nicely pedicured feet. 0:04:14.280 --> 0:04:17.719 Our guest today is a glad Award winning writer, producer, 0:04:17.760 --> 0:04:18.160 and star. 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:21.039 Yes, and he's a hysterical stand up. You can find 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:24.920 him at I Hate Joelkim on Instagram and Twitter. 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:28.280 Please welcome actor comedian Joelkim Booster. 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:32.760 Hello. I'm so excited to be here, and now finally 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:36.039 every single white gay in my life can stop telling 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:39.080 me you should go on the Chelsea Handler podcast. You 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:41.320 should really go on the Chelsea as though it's been 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:42.600 my choice along. 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:45.440 So I know. 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:47.479 That's like when somebody's like, why don't you go on 0:04:47.520 --> 0:04:48.679 the Oprah Winfrey show? 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:50.840 Hold on, hold on. 0:04:51.200 --> 0:04:55.320 I'm not comparing myself to Oprah Winfrey, but I am. Yeah, 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:57.040 You're like, that sounds like a good idea. 0:04:57.120 --> 0:04:59.200 Why don't you go do S and L xactly? 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:02.440 Yeah, Joel Kim. 0:05:02.279 --> 0:05:04.360 Yes, Booster, thank you my full name. 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:06.760 Yes, well, I mean, you know who knows what you're into. 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:09.559 I just want to get it fucking right. Right, Let's 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:12.480 talk about your life and your career because everything's taken 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:14.719 off for you, and it's it's very nice to watch. 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:17.080 Yeah, it is always funny when people say that, because 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:19.880 it does your your your conception of what success looks 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:23.279 like changes every single time you hit a new sort 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:25.919 of echelon of success, and suddenly now I feel like 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:29.240 I'm a nobody and I'm nothing. And even though if 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:31.720 you told me ten years ago what I'd be doing now, 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:33.400 if you told me ten years ago that I'd be 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:36.320 sitting across from you specifically, I would be like, shut 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:37.880 the fuck up, that's never going to happen. I'm going 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:39.520 to be working at this olive garden for the rest 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:41.880 of my life. So it is funny to hear that. 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:43.160 But it's nice to hear too. 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:45.880 It's like the opposite of manifestation. Yeah, you're like, I'll 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.159 never amount to anything, because I honestly think both things 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:52.200 work for certain people. Like some people never think that 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:54.600 they're going to do anything, and they're like, oh, when 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:58.600 I hear certain celebrities or musicians talking about how they 0:05:58.640 --> 0:06:01.400 would have never believed where they are. It's like I 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:04.080 have the whole opposite mentality, like I always believe like 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:06.400 everybody should be talking to me and listen to me, 0:06:06.520 --> 0:06:07.680 like I have strong opinions. 0:06:07.920 --> 0:06:10.799 I'm definitely the I have a nice mix of imposter 0:06:10.960 --> 0:06:14.359 syndrome with resentment, which is I never believe that I 0:06:14.560 --> 0:06:17.719 deserve anything that I have, But I definitely don't think 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:19.840 that a lot of people who are as successful, are 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:23.240 more successful than me, deserve what they have. And that's 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:25.480 sort of what keeps me going every day. It is 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:27.719 because I see people and I'm like, well, I could 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:29.400 be doing that, and then I get there and I'm like, 0:06:29.640 --> 0:06:32.640 oh God, can I be doing this? So it's it's 0:06:32.640 --> 0:06:33.240 a nice mix. 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:36.600 It's nice good, that's good. And I read that if 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:40.159 you're comfortable talking about your bipolar disorder, I read that, yeah, 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:41.360 that you've been diagnosed with by. 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:44.839 Yeah, I finally got diagnosed like a year before the 0:06:44.880 --> 0:06:48.760 pandemic happened, which what amazing times. By the way, just 0:06:48.800 --> 0:06:50.680 to like sit at home and figure out what the 0:06:50.760 --> 0:06:54.000 right cocktail of drugs is was a real nice wrinkle 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:56.680 from my lockdown experience. But yeah, I mean the thing 0:06:56.760 --> 0:07:00.719 is is I have always been sort of my moods 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:03.200 have been wild since I was growing up, and my 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:07.760 parents were very very Christian, very very evangelical, and did 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:12.040 not believe in any sort of actual, real hard scientific 0:07:12.280 --> 0:07:16.720 psychology therapy anything like that. They sent me to Christian 0:07:16.760 --> 0:07:19.880 therapists who would pray over me and like try and 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:23.840 make me better, and that never worked. But I gotta 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:28.280 tell you, a Bilify works. Wonders Jesus not so much 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:31.400 Abilify and will. Bututrin has kept me in check for 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:33.520 a little while. But it is difficult because I don't 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:36.920 know if you feel this way. Sometimes a little crazy 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:40.360 like helps me. My biggest worry since being diagnosed is 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:44.320 that like I'm killing a part of myself that I 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:48.320 really relied on to make myself funny, to write, to 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:52.200 like find interesting, you know, things about myself because like, 0:07:52.880 --> 0:07:56.880 I definitely do not like being depressed, but being manic. 0:07:57.560 --> 0:08:00.440 Being manic can be kind of fun sometimes until it's 0:08:00.440 --> 0:08:03.440 not in front of until yeah, very productive. 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:05.040 Because you can be really sexual, right, you can be 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:08.280 really happy about like shopping, shopping, like yeah, yeah, yeah, you. 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:10.120 Feel like on top of the world. In fact, my 0:08:10.160 --> 0:08:12.400 manic periods were some of the only times I didn't 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:14.960 have imposter syndrome about like what I was doing or 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:17.960 what I was having and and so it is that 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:20.160 is it's a difficult thing to let go of because 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:23.000 ultimately it is very destructive, you know, like I don't 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:24.760 need to be having sex with four or five guys 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:28.120 in a day just because and I don't need to 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:31.120 be abusing drugs to the level that I would when 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:33.960 I was manic. I still abuse drugs, but just you know, 0:08:34.080 --> 0:08:36.679 at a reasonable level, saying yeah, but yeah, there was 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:39.040 a lot of self destructive stuff that came hand in 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.360 hand with that. Would I write a script in like 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:45.000 twelve hours? Yeah, you know, like did I write a 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:49.000 lot manic? Absolutely? And did it turn out okay? Sure, 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:51.559 but like those first drafts were a little rough, I'll 0:08:51.559 --> 0:08:54.440 tell you that. But yeah, it's one of those balancing 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:56.760 acts I think is like a person in entertainment and 0:08:57.320 --> 0:09:00.480 an artist whatever. The lie that the disease tells you 0:09:00.600 --> 0:09:03.520 is that you need me in order to do what 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:06.400 you do and what you love. And that is I 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:08.600 have found not to be the case because I have 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:12.920 been medicated now for going on four years and off 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:15.160 and on, there's been there have been times when I've 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:18.280 gone rogue and it has not turned out super well. 0:09:18.280 --> 0:09:20.040 But for the most part, I think like I am 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:23.720 still funny, I am still myself. I am just a 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:28.600 slightly more chilled, calibrated first calibrated, yes, exactly. 0:09:28.880 --> 0:09:31.760 So when you were growing up, how does bipolar disorder 0:09:31.800 --> 0:09:34.280 present itself in a person? Is it something that you're 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:36.800 born with or is it something that is triggered by 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:37.240 an event? 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:39.280 You know what, it's probably a little bit of column 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:41.680 a little bit of column B. I think like for me, 0:09:42.400 --> 0:09:46.200 it definitely manifested really young, Like I was really hyper 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:50.600 emotional and hyper reactive to things since I can remember, 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:55.720 like I was just throwing tantrums way longer into my 0:09:55.840 --> 0:10:02.600 life than was appropriate, probably like in public on the floor, screaming, crying, kicking, 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:05.320 you know, the whole nine yards, because I just did 0:10:05.400 --> 0:10:07.240 not know how to process any of my emotions and 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.000 I didn't and my parents were not giving me the 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:11.800 tools necessary to process any of this. And I wonder 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:15.040 often like how my life would have turned out differently 0:10:15.080 --> 0:10:18.920 if they had maybe you know, found supported me in 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:23.200 a more scientifically based way earlier on. But like, I 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:27.080 remember this one time I was being such a jackass 0:10:27.160 --> 0:10:29.960 and like throwing things in my room, slamming the door, 0:10:30.640 --> 0:10:34.520 so angry that my dad tried to exercise me in 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:36.880 the middle of the fight. I was thirteen years old, 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:41.240 and he literally started saying, like exorcism, bullshit, try and 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:43.440 get the devil out of me. And in that moment, 0:10:43.559 --> 0:10:45.520 I realized what he was doing, and I started to 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:49.280 laugh in his face, which, in hindsight, is something a 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:53.079 demon would do in that situation, is start laughing maniacally 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:56.040 at your poor father and trying to exercise you. So 0:10:56.080 --> 0:10:57.319 it didn't help matters. 0:10:57.600 --> 0:10:59.960 Okay, So then what led to you getting an official 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:02.840 diagnosis in twenty nineteen or tw twenty nineteen. 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:06.360 Yeah, I was twenty nineteen and it was getting to 0:11:07.480 --> 0:11:11.280 the breaking point. I was destroying relationships. I think that 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:13.200 was like the big thing. I think it was getting 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:15.439 harder and harder because, like listen, when you're a manic 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:18.280 and you're like the life of the party, it's really 0:11:18.320 --> 0:11:20.480 easy to make friends, and it's really easy to get 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:23.600 people to like you, and then if they hang on 0:11:23.800 --> 0:11:28.360 and they stick around long enough, those episodes become really 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:31.520 destructive and really toxic, and I became a really top 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:35.200 I would eventually become a really toxic person. I remember 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:38.520 this is something I haven't shared very much at all, 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:40.560 but like I went off my meds to film my 0:11:40.679 --> 0:11:44.360 movie because I was convinced that I would not be 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:48.199 able to write or punch up the script or act 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:51.920 if I was on my meds. And I remember the 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:54.320 near the end of the filming process and thank god, 0:11:54.320 --> 0:11:56.760 they all love me so much. I really tried to 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:59.160 burn down every bridge I had with every single cast 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:02.040 member on that shoot, and like we're they're some of 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:04.559 my best friends. But I remember looking at Bowen Yang 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:06.920 and saying, you're only friends with me because you wanted 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:08.839 to be in this movie. And I said that in 0:12:08.880 --> 0:12:11.559 the height of a manic episode that was so insane, 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:14.360 and he had so much grace for me in that moment, 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:16.880 and it just said, like that is not true. You 0:12:17.000 --> 0:12:19.800 know that's not true. I'm going to leave now and 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.480 we'll talk about this at another time. And luckily, like 0:12:23.960 --> 0:12:27.360 it was so like it was so intense and so 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:31.000 heartbreaking in that moment that it was a real wake 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:32.720 up call for me where I was like, this is 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.760 not who I am, right you know, and there were 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:39.560 little moments throughout the filming process like that, and everyone 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:41.959 had so much grace for me and was so kind, 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:44.960 and I eventually, you know, made the decision to go back. 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:47.560 And it's a difficult thing to wean on and off constantly. 0:12:47.600 --> 0:12:48.240 It's not helpful. 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:50.760 But that's the tricky thing, right with bipolar disorders. A 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:53.000 lot of people feel that way that they can get 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:55.520 on and off their meds at their discretion, which kind 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.880 of is not the case. Not the case, no, And 0:12:58.040 --> 0:12:59.800 what is the flip side of the bipole? So the 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:01.680 main and then you have the depression. 0:13:01.760 --> 0:13:05.080 Yeah, the depression. Honestly, it doesn't manifest from me a 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:07.640 ton I'm not a super depressed person. I will say, like, 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:11.719 those episodes last for shorter periods of time than the 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.559 mania does, and they're less noticeable, I think because I'm 0:13:14.600 --> 0:13:17.640 able to push through them a little bit easier without 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:20.240 anyone noticing. I will say, like, when I'm depressed, I'm 0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:23.000 just quiet and I like fade into the background, And 0:13:23.040 --> 0:13:26.400 I think like that's how people, especially like my boyfriend, 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:28.640 will know that I'm in a depressive episode because I'm 0:13:28.720 --> 0:13:31.320 just like at a party, standing in a corner on 0:13:31.360 --> 0:13:34.800 my phone, not engaging with anybody, which is like pretty 0:13:34.880 --> 0:13:37.440 normal behavior for a lot of people. Actually, I just 0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:40.360 become more of an introvert. But like, yeah, they're just 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:43.080 they're they're not as intense. The mania was the life 0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:45.840 ruining stuff that was going to end up with me 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:49.720 in a facility eventually, you know. And that's the scariest 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:53.080 part about being bipolar is that like untreated and it 0:13:53.120 --> 0:13:56.160 can turn into worse and worse things if you don't 0:13:56.760 --> 0:13:59.320 sort of manage it early on. And that's my big 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:02.240 worry is I don't want to to turn into from 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:06.079 mania into psychosis, you know, which is like that specter 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:10.120 hangs over me and specifically my relationship a lot, because 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:12.760 I look at my boyfriend sometimes when I'm in the 0:14:12.800 --> 0:14:16.559 depths of something and I'm always like, this could get worse, 0:14:16.679 --> 0:14:19.000 you know that, right, Like you're signing on for something 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:22.840 that could eventually get much worse I if things don't 0:14:22.880 --> 0:14:26.080 go my way, And that is like, that's a really 0:14:26.400 --> 0:14:28.560 it's a really shitty thing to lay on your partner 0:14:28.840 --> 0:14:31.120 in the middle of a fight usually, but he seems 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:33.600 game for it so far. Yeah, pretty game for it. 0:14:34.000 --> 0:14:36.440 What about your parents and your Christian parents, How did 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:38.240 they handle your gayness? 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:43.920 Not well, Chelsea, Not well. They were not super keen 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:46.920 on it. They also found out in the most invasive, 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:50.280 aggressive way possible. They read my journal when I was 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:52.680 a senior in high school. I had been out at 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:55.400 school for a year. They read my journal at a 0:14:55.480 --> 0:14:59.640 year's worth of journal entries, which were literalisticals at this point, 0:14:59.680 --> 0:15:04.680 not even like introspective observations about my life. It was literally, guys, 0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:09.000 dis I've sucked this week, and then just like a 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:11.720 straight up list and then so they didn't even have 0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:14.560 to sift through like my dreams or anything like that. 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:16.280 They just got straight to the meat of it, like 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:18.400 this is what I'm doing. I literally had entries that 0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:20.960 were like lies I told my parents this week, just 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:23.360 itemized the bullshit for them. 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:24.440 That's pretty funny. 0:15:24.520 --> 0:15:26.920 I know, I was a fucking idiot. So they confronted 0:15:27.000 --> 0:15:27.560 me about this. 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.320 Well, maybe you were in a manic episode when. 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:33.720 Quite honestly, and I had a manic breakdown when they 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:36.040 confronted me about it in a really big way because 0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:40.080 it was a seismic paradigm shift for me. I at 0:15:40.080 --> 0:15:42.320 this point in my life has had planned on never 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:45.040 coming out to my parents, never telling them, living like 0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:47.880 a completely separate life. I thought that was possible, and 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:50.960 in a moment they completely shifted everything and sort of 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:53.200 took that control out of my mind, and I like, 0:15:53.320 --> 0:15:55.720 I broke down. I had it was bad, and so 0:15:55.760 --> 0:15:58.480 they sent me to an impatient mental hospital for teens 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:02.920 with the caveat. They tested me three times for HIV. 0:16:03.520 --> 0:16:06.280 They were like, nope, test him again, because they were 0:16:06.320 --> 0:16:08.680 so convinced that because of all the dick sucking I 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:12.280 was doing, I had AIDS. And they left me there 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:15.040 for a week. And for the whole week there, the 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:17.720 people were like, this doesn't seem like the right facility 0:16:17.720 --> 0:16:18.960 for you, because this was like a place where like 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:21.240 kids who are addicted to heroin or who had straight 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:23.920 up tried to murder their parents went and they were 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:26.680 like this is a little outsized for you. Obviously have 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.280 issues that you need to work out, and like this 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:31.320 is a serious issue with your parents, but like this 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:33.520 is not the place for you. But they they left 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:35.560 me there for a week that eventually my insurance wouldn't 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:37.640 cover it anymore. My parents insurance wouldn't cover it anymore. 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:39.040 So they're like, you got to come and get your kid. 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:42.120 They brought me home. I stayed for about like three 0:16:42.240 --> 0:16:45.360 days at home and then got up and left and 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:49.920 started cowchopping, and I eventually ended up living with There's 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:52.560 a girl in MI who I stood next to inquire. 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:54.640 We were not friends. She was very popular in a 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:57.440 different way than I was, because I was also very popular. 0:16:57.600 --> 0:16:59.760 Okay, okay, calm down, calm down. 0:17:00.920 --> 0:17:03.000 But she was a jock and her dad was the 0:17:03.040 --> 0:17:06.600 Methodist pastor in our town, and she everybody knew I 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:08.160 was missing for that week because I was the voice 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:10.280 of the announcements and when the voice of the announcements 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:12.960 goes missing, you know, people start talking. You know, people 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:15.320 would have started a podcast if it was that time 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:17.879 about where I was. And so she was like, hey, 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:19.159 if you ever need a place to stay, you can 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:21.200 come stay with me. She was just being nice whatever, whatever, 0:17:21.640 --> 0:17:24.160 And then I, like it was getting colder. I showed 0:17:24.200 --> 0:17:25.560 up at her house and I was like, hey, remember 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.560 when you said that shit about me staying here? And 0:17:27.600 --> 0:17:29.760 she was like, oh yeah, And her parents were like, 0:17:29.800 --> 0:17:31.920 you can't just invite strange boys to stay at our house. 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:35.160 You know, her dad's a paraplegic. She had two younger brothers, 0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:37.560 but I stayed that night, talked to her mom like 0:17:37.680 --> 0:17:39.560 all in through the night, and then the next day 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:42.160 they were like, come back for dinner, and long story short, 0:17:42.200 --> 0:17:44.200 I stayed with them for the rest of my senior year. 0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:46.760 They co signed my student loans to go to college. 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:50.200 They bought me a car for graduation. She is still 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:53.040 to this day my best friend. I was like her 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:55.720 best man in her wedding. I flew back to see 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.639 her when she got a divorce, you know, like I 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:00.720 and I will say like, as as a follow up, 0:18:00.920 --> 0:18:02.760 my parents and I are good. My mom and I 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:05.440 are good. At this point, my dad did pass away 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:09.119 during COVID and that was really hard, but it was honestly, 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:11.960 the silver lining of my dad's passing is like I 0:18:12.000 --> 0:18:14.560 had never been in a relationship in my entire life, 0:18:14.600 --> 0:18:18.199 and so my entire life, the homosexuality part of my 0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:20.640 life was sort of a don't ass, don't tell situation 0:18:20.720 --> 0:18:23.000 with my parents, Like they were very uncurious about who 0:18:23.000 --> 0:18:24.840 I was dating, if I was dating anything like that. 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:26.560 As long as we didn't have to talk about that, 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:29.200 then it was it was cool. And then my dad 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:32.160 died and I was like, well, shit, like I would 0:18:32.200 --> 0:18:34.400 have liked to have known how he would have reacted 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:37.040 if I brought someone home. And so I finally talked 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:38.800 to my mom and I was like, hey, I just 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:41.480