1 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,760 Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we 2 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,120 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford, 5 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,640 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information 6 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,800 Speaker 1: dot com. And while I hope you love listening to 8 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,159 Speaker 1: and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to 9 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental 10 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:54,880 Speaker 1: health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me 11 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:59,200 Speaker 1: for session fourteen of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today. 12 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 1: In our no co pay needed segment, we're gonna be 13 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: talking all about boundaries. But before we get there, I 14 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,480 Speaker 1: wanted to just address a couple of listener emails that 15 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: I got. So I got a couple of emails from 16 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: you all asking how you can work with me in 17 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:15,480 Speaker 1: my practice, what kinds of groups I was offering? You know, 18 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: how could you have access to me? So that let 19 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 1: me know that I had not done a very good 20 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 1: job of letting you know how you could work with 21 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 1: me as your therapist if you're interested, So let me 22 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,600 Speaker 1: run that down for you really quickly. So I do 23 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: have a couple of openings for individual clients on my caseload. 24 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,839 Speaker 1: So if you are in the state of Georgia, either 25 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: in the Atlanta area or outside of Atlanta, UM, and 26 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,479 Speaker 1: you'd like to schedule an individual session with me, then 27 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:43,640 Speaker 1: we can do that either in my office or virtually UM. 28 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,760 Speaker 1: We can work with a system that's kind of like 29 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: Skype but hippoc imply it UM And if you're interested 30 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: in that, you can go to the website at Therapy 31 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com backslash schedule. You can see 32 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,080 Speaker 1: what openings I have in the coming weeks. If you 33 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 1: are interested in joining one of my groups, the SHIFT 34 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 1: Sessions that I talked with you about a couple of 35 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 1: weeks ago, you can find more information about that and 36 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,040 Speaker 1: sign up to get your name on that list by 37 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,440 Speaker 1: going to Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash shift 38 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: as h I f T. If you are someone you 39 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: know will be starting college in the fall, UM so 40 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 1: college freshman, a young woman who's going to college and 41 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: you want to kind of get a game plan together, 42 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: a road map for how to make your first year successful, 43 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,120 Speaker 1: then you can also sign up for what I call 44 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,359 Speaker 1: a jump start session. You can find more information about 45 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:38,239 Speaker 1: that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com backslash Start Strong. 46 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,800 Speaker 1: Or if you are struggling with a breakup and feel 47 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: like you need some additional support, UM, you've kind of 48 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,679 Speaker 1: talked to friends and family and feel like you need 49 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 1: just a little bit more some kind of guidance about 50 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 1: how to move through the stages of getting over a breakup, 51 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 1: you can find information about that service at Therapy for 52 00:02:56,040 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com backslash Breakups. All of that information 53 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: is included in the show notes so that you know 54 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,200 Speaker 1: exactly how to get in touch with me UM. And 55 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,040 Speaker 1: if you are elsewhere looking for a therapist, then please 56 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,680 Speaker 1: make sure should look at the directory that I've included 57 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 1: on the website. You can find that information at Therapy 58 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com backslash directory. So, as I 59 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,640 Speaker 1: mentioned today in our no co pay Needed segment, we 60 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: are going to be talking all about boundaries. And I 61 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:30,040 Speaker 1: know you often hear UM, mental health professionals and just 62 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 1: people in general talking about the need for having healthy boundaries, 63 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 1: firm boundaries, all of those kinds of things. But I 64 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,080 Speaker 1: think sometimes there may be some confusion about what a 65 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: boundary actually is and how you can actually set those up. 66 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: So today that's what we're going to be talking about. 67 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 1: So we want to think about boundaries as the rules 68 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: and guidelines that you set for how people deal with you. 69 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,840 Speaker 1: So let's think about our boundaries as our front yours. 70 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 1: Now this may be a little more difficult for those 71 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: people who are citied olers, so maybe stretch your imagination 72 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,360 Speaker 1: a little bit. But if we think about boundaries as 73 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:08,560 Speaker 1: the property included in our front yard, what happens in 74 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 1: your front yard? So did you let other people park 75 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 1: their cars in your front yard? Do you like it 76 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: when other people that their dogs poop in your yard? 77 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:21,039 Speaker 1: Do you keep the grass nicely manicured and watered? Do 78 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: you plant flowers in your front yard? Is there a 79 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: nice sitting area under a shady tree for you to 80 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 1: relax and read your favorite books in your yard? Boundaries 81 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: are important because they dictate what kind of experience we 82 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: have in our yard and what others perceive as allowable 83 00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: in our yard. So if someone walks by and they 84 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: see that the lawn is nicely manicured and the flowers 85 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 1: are tending to, they're less likely to throw trash in 86 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 1: your yard or feel like they can park their car there. 87 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,479 Speaker 1: But if they see a bunch of overgrown grass and 88 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,720 Speaker 1: coat cane's thrown everywhere, then they'll think, oh, it's no 89 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,160 Speaker 1: big deal. If I throw this Snickers wrapper in your yard, 90 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: she probably won't even notice. So if we take this 91 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,839 Speaker 1: example and think about all the areas of our lives 92 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,159 Speaker 1: where we have yrds that need to be tended to, 93 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: we can really see where there may need to be 94 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: some adjustments made. So, in terms of your personal boundaries, 95 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,760 Speaker 1: do you make it clear that you're not really a 96 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: hugger and would prefer a handshake? So is that clear 97 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 1: from the outset with people? Even though other people maybe huggers, 98 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 1: If you're not, it's absolutely okay for you to say, 99 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,679 Speaker 1: I'm okay, I prefer a handshake. Are when we're thinking 100 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 1: about teaching personal boundaries to children, um so not doing 101 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,040 Speaker 1: things like forcing them like, oh, go give aunt Ruthie 102 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 1: a kiss, but instead letting the child dictate how they 103 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,359 Speaker 1: would like to engage with Aunt Ruthie. In terms of 104 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,360 Speaker 1: your emotional space, when you tell an X that it's 105 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: over and that you're done, are you still allowing them 106 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 1: to occupy space by responding to text and d M s. 107 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,840 Speaker 1: Or do you have a friend who tends to be 108 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,480 Speaker 1: manipulative and trying to get you to come out for 109 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,599 Speaker 1: some reason or another, and instead of holding firm to 110 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 1: your oh, you actually just end up going out just 111 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 1: to keep the peace. So setting boundaries is important because 112 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:10,160 Speaker 1: it helps us to maintain our thoughts about ourselves, either 113 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 1: negatively or positively. If we have firmer and healthier boundaries, 114 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: then we're likely to have relationships that feel reciprocal, and 115 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 1: we're likely to feel pretty confident and have both the 116 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,920 Speaker 1: respect of ourselves and others. If, on the other hand, 117 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: our boundaries are more loose, it can eventually lead to 118 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,760 Speaker 1: feelings of resentment and feeling taken advantage of. You might 119 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: likely feel like, um, there are a few people that 120 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,719 Speaker 1: you can go to for your life and for support, 121 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: and your friendships likely do not feel reciprocal. A lack 122 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,479 Speaker 1: of boundaries can also begin to make you lose trust 123 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 1: in your judgment and make you question yourself. So to 124 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,159 Speaker 1: help with some of the boundaries setting um that I 125 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 1: think is important for us to maintain our mental health, 126 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: I did find an article to share with you all, 127 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 1: and the information for this will be included in the 128 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 1: show notes that they're be for Black Girls dot Com 129 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:06,120 Speaker 1: slash Session four team. But the article is called ten 130 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: Ways to build and Preserve better Boundaries. So this was 131 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 1: written by Margarita Tartakovski and she had an actual conversation 132 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 1: with another psychologist and they talked about the ways to 133 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: build and preserve boundaries and there are ten of these. 134 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,880 Speaker 1: So the first one was naming your limits. You can't 135 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 1: set good boundaries if you're unsure of where you're where 136 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: you stand, you need to identify physical, emotional, mental, and 137 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:36,040 Speaker 1: spiritual limits. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and 138 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: what makes you feel uncomfortable and stressed. Those feelings help 139 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: you identify what your limits are. So name your limits 140 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: is the first one. The second one tune into your feelings. 141 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,800 Speaker 1: The author has observed two key feelings and others that 142 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 1: are red flags or cues that we are letting go 143 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: of our boundaries, discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of 144 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: these feelings on a continuum from one to ten, six 145 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 1: to ten being in the higher zone. So if you're 146 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: at the higher end of this continuum during an interaction 147 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: or a situation, she suggested asking yourself what is causing that? 148 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: What is it about this interaction or this person's expectation 149 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: that is bothering you. Resentment usually comes from being taken 150 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:25,120 Speaker 1: advantage of, are not appreciated. It's often a sign that 151 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 1: we're pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we 152 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: feel guilty, are because someone else is imposing their expectations, 153 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:37,080 Speaker 1: views our values on us Number three be direct with 154 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: some people. Maintaining health healthy boundaries doesn't require a direct 155 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: and clear cut dialogue. Usually this is the case if 156 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: people are similar in their communication styles, they'll approach each 157 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: other similarly. With others, such as those who have a 158 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,440 Speaker 1: different personality or cultural background, you'll need to be more 159 00:08:55,480 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example. Why person 160 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,960 Speaker 1: feels that challenging someone's opinions is a healthy way of communicating, 161 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 1: but to another person this may feel disrespectful intense. There 162 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,560 Speaker 1: are other times you might need to be more direct. 163 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,439 Speaker 1: For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a 164 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: boundary issue. Partners may need to talk about how much 165 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: time they need to maintain their sense of self and 166 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: how much time to spend together. The fourth way that 167 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,360 Speaker 1: you can go about building and preserving better boundaries is 168 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:33,719 Speaker 1: by giving yourself permission. Fear, guilt, and self doubt are 169 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,680 Speaker 1: all big potential pitfalls. We might fear the other person's 170 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,839 Speaker 1: response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might 171 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a 172 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:46,360 Speaker 1: family member. Many believe that they should be able to 173 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: cope with the situation or say yes because they are 174 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,240 Speaker 1: a good daughter or son, even though they feel drained 175 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 1: or taken advantage of. We might wonder if we even 176 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,559 Speaker 1: deserve to have boundaries in the first place. And as 177 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,679 Speaker 1: I mentioned before, boundaries aren't just a sign of healthy relationships, 178 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: they're a sign of self respect. So give yourself the 179 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 1: permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them. Number 180 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: five practice self awareness. Boundaries are all about honing in 181 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:19,199 Speaker 1: on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself 182 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:23,319 Speaker 1: slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, the author suggests asking 183 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 1: yourself which changed. Consider what am I doing or what 184 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 1: is the other person doing? What is this situation eliciting 185 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:36,400 Speaker 1: that's making me resentful or stressed? Then all over your options, 186 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,520 Speaker 1: What am I going to do about the situation? What 187 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 1: do I have control over? The sixth way you can 188 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 1: go about building and preserving better boundaries is to consider 189 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 1: your past and present. How you were raised, along with 190 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,600 Speaker 1: your role in your family can become additional obstacles in 191 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:57,720 Speaker 1: setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, 192 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:01,400 Speaker 1: you probably learned to focus on others, letting yourself be 193 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 1: drained emotionally or physically. The author suggests ignoring your own 194 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:11,080 Speaker 1: needs might have become the norm for you. Also think 195 00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:15,400 Speaker 1: about the people you surround yourself with. Are the relationships reciprocal? 196 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:20,839 Speaker 1: Is there a healthy give and take Beyond relationships, your 197 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:25,080 Speaker 1: environment might be unhealthy too. For instance, if your work 198 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 1: day is eight hours a day, but your co workers 199 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:31,359 Speaker 1: stay at least ten or eleven hours, there's an implicit 200 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 1: expectation to go above and beyond. It can be challenging 201 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,960 Speaker 1: being the only one or one of few trying to 202 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 1: maintain healthy boundaries. This is where tuning into your feelings 203 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 1: and needs and honoring them becomes critical. And I do 204 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: think that we see a lot of this in our culture, 205 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,840 Speaker 1: right this kind of um feeling like you need to 206 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:54,240 Speaker 1: kind of go above and beyond the stated job expectations. 207 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 1: But if that is not something that feels okay with 208 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,360 Speaker 1: you or if by doing that you are making your 209 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: job and your work of higher priority than other things, 210 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,079 Speaker 1: say like family or time with friends, then you can 211 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 1: become resentful about your workplace and your job and maybe 212 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,520 Speaker 1: begin to perform not as well. Um so you do 213 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: want to again look at your boundaries and see if 214 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,920 Speaker 1: you need to keep those intact so that your relationship 215 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,679 Speaker 1: with your job actually continues to be healthy. Number seven, 216 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,840 Speaker 1: make self care a priority. The author helps our clients 217 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:33,679 Speaker 1: make self care priority, which also involves giving yourself permission 218 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,360 Speaker 1: to put yourself first. When we do this, our need 219 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: and motivation to set boundaries become stronger. Self care also 220 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. 221 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: These feelings serve as important cues about our well being 222 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 1: and what makes us happy and unhappy. Putting yourself first 223 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 1: also gives you the energy, peace of mind, and positive 224 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 1: outlook to be more present with others and to be 225 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:03,720 Speaker 1: there for them. When we're in a better place, we 226 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,400 Speaker 1: can be a better wife, mother, husband, coworker, or friend. 227 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 1: The number eight ways. The eighth way to build better 228 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: boundaries is to seek support. So if you're having a 229 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:19,680 Speaker 1: hard time with boundaries, it definitely is okay to seek 230 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:24,880 Speaker 1: help and support, whether that's from a support group, your church, counseling, coaching, 231 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: or through good friends. With friends and family, you can 232 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,959 Speaker 1: even make it a priority with each other to practice 233 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:36,200 Speaker 1: setting boundaries and to hold each other accountable. The ninth 234 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,440 Speaker 1: way is to be assertive, so we know that it's 235 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 1: not enough to just create boundaries. We actually have to 236 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,079 Speaker 1: follow through with them. Even though we know intellectually that 237 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,320 Speaker 1: people aren't mind readers, we do sometimes still fall into 238 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,079 Speaker 1: the idea that we should expect others to know what 239 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: we want and what hurts us. Since they don't, it's 240 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,320 Speaker 1: important to assertively communicate with the other person when they've 241 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: crossed a bound dre So if you set a boundary 242 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,400 Speaker 1: and said, Okay, I'm not going to go out on 243 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,880 Speaker 1: Friday nights because that's my me time, then it's important 244 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,240 Speaker 1: to let your friends know that that's not going to 245 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: happen and to be assertive about sticking up for your 246 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 1: boundary in that way. And the tenth suggestion about how 247 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: to build and preserve better boundaries is to start small. So, 248 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 1: like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. 249 00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,440 Speaker 1: The author suggests starting with a small boundary that isn't 250 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,880 Speaker 1: isn't threatening to you, and then increment incrementally increasing to 251 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:38,320 Speaker 1: more challenging boundaries. Build upon your success, and at first 252 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,200 Speaker 1: try not to take on something that feels overwhelming. Setting 253 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: boundaries takes courage, practice and support, but remember that it 254 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: is a skill you can master. So something like a 255 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 1: small boundary UM, And this is also I think a 256 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:56,840 Speaker 1: really good exercise in assertive communication. UM is thinking about 257 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,600 Speaker 1: sending your food back at a restaurant if it's not 258 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,160 Speaker 1: the order. UM. So how many of you have the 259 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,640 Speaker 1: experience of you know, your order coming out it is 260 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: not quite right, and instead of you know, ruffling any 261 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 1: feathers and wanting to kind of upset anything, you'll just 262 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 1: kind of take it as opposed to sending it back 263 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: for what you want. That may be a very small 264 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 1: task that you can take on. That is an example 265 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: of boundary setting and assertive communication that likely doesn't feel 266 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: very threatening. So something like that, or UM, something like 267 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 1: a blouse that you thought that you would really love, 268 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 1: so you bought it at the store and then you 269 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,240 Speaker 1: get it home and you realize I actually don't really 270 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: love it. So some people UM, instead of being assertive 271 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 1: and wanting to kind of take it back and get 272 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: a refund, will just say, oh, well, it was my mistake. 273 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 1: I'll just keep it. So you may want to practice 274 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: something like making a return of an item that you 275 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: don't want anymore, um that on an unused item of course, 276 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,760 Speaker 1: that you don't want anymore, and make that a practice 277 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: of a way of kind of being more assertive in 278 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: your communication and actually standing up for which you feel 279 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:03,080 Speaker 1: like you needn't want. So related to this, we do 280 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,120 Speaker 1: have an on the porch question this week that I 281 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 1: think fits nicely with our conversation about boundaries and assert 282 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:15,600 Speaker 1: of communication. So this question is, Hi, Doctor Joy. I 283 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,640 Speaker 1: listened to your episode about Mary Jane Paul and saw 284 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 1: a lot of similarities in myself. While I don't consider 285 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: myself as successful as mj p just yet, I do 286 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 1: find myself caring for everyone and not getting what I 287 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: need in return. My question is regarding friendships and the 288 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,600 Speaker 1: last year, I've lost two of my best friends in 289 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:40,520 Speaker 1: horrible blow ups. I'm twenty eight years old, and I 290 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,840 Speaker 1: know that friendships often in There's a shift in my 291 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 1: life occurring, and I'm connecting with people who were closer 292 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: to my industry and losing friends who aren't on the 293 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,560 Speaker 1: same path. But I don't really want to lose these 294 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:57,440 Speaker 1: old friends. In one instance, I have a friend or 295 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 1: a former friend, who used to be a traveling partner 296 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 1: and the person who helped me to set goals. It 297 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,480 Speaker 1: was weird to meet someone who was as blunt and 298 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,639 Speaker 1: honest as myself, but I always felt like there was 299 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,920 Speaker 1: an underlying shade with her. There was one time when 300 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: I was getting dressed and I smiled and checked myself 301 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: out in the mirror, and she told me I had 302 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,840 Speaker 1: too much confidence. I asked her what that meant, and 303 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: she said, I just never met anyone as confident as you. 304 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: Last year, during a trip, I was out with her 305 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,879 Speaker 1: and some friends, and her friends posted drunken photos of 306 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: me online without my knowledge. When I told her and 307 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 1: her friends about it, they were all very dismissive. Combined 308 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:42,560 Speaker 1: with the shady comments she said over the years and 309 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:46,959 Speaker 1: her dismissive attitude, I decided to let her go. In 310 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,680 Speaker 1: another instance, with a former friend, we've been friends since 311 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: elementary school, would really have nothing in common. We also 312 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 1: had a falling out a few years ago and started 313 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:01,040 Speaker 1: being friends a year later. Recently, she was in a 314 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: bad living situation and I let her move in with me. 315 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,600 Speaker 1: She's not moved out and has ended up becoming my roommate. 316 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,359 Speaker 1: This was the worst thing I could have done, because 317 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,200 Speaker 1: it's tainted our friendship. We fell out over rent issues 318 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,760 Speaker 1: on her part and her feeling like I'm not as 319 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,959 Speaker 1: clean as I need to be. She's four months behind 320 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 1: on the rent, which I've paid, and she's not speaking 321 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 1: to me, which I feel like it is ridiculous. I 322 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,399 Speaker 1: see a similar pattern in the type of friends I've 323 00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:33,679 Speaker 1: made and laws. I often find myself over compensating in 324 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:37,520 Speaker 1: friendships with my time and money. I always find myself 325 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,840 Speaker 1: helping them rather than then rather than them helping me, 326 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,199 Speaker 1: and never have I missed their birthdays, But when it 327 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,720 Speaker 1: comes to my birthday, I don't even get a gift. 328 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 1: The most annoying part is that my roommate slash former 329 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 1: friend and I no longer speak but lived together. It's 330 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 1: very uncomfortable to live with someone who used to be friends, 331 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: who you used to be friends with, and we're not king. 332 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 1: There's so much information about relationships when it comes to 333 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,359 Speaker 1: black women, but hardly any when it comes to dealing 334 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:11,359 Speaker 1: with friendships, especially toxic ones. Am I the problem was 335 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,800 Speaker 1: losing these friendships good for me, So thank you so 336 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: much for writing this um letter. I do think that 337 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 1: this is probably a situation, at least in some parts, 338 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,440 Speaker 1: that a lot of women can relate to. Um So one, 339 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 1: if you have not gotten the chance to listen to 340 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:31,439 Speaker 1: six Sessions six of the podcast, that episode was all 341 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:35,440 Speaker 1: about friendships and toxic relationships, how to identify if you 342 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 1: were in a toxic friendship and how to let that 343 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:41,280 Speaker 1: relationship go if so, um And, I do think that 344 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:45,160 Speaker 1: you're right, um So, sometimes friendships do have to end, 345 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,840 Speaker 1: um And I'll often think that that typically needs to 346 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:53,000 Speaker 1: involve a conversation, unless there's like some significant abuse or 347 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,760 Speaker 1: something going on in this situation. But I do think 348 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,200 Speaker 1: that it's important to learn how to say goodbye to 349 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:01,760 Speaker 1: relationships that no longer service UM in a way that 350 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:05,800 Speaker 1: feels respectful for everybody, if that can happen. But I 351 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:10,080 Speaker 1: also think that we oftentimes find ourselves in relationships that 352 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,919 Speaker 1: really shouldn't have started, or have not or should not 353 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,159 Speaker 1: have gone on as long as they did. So a 354 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,480 Speaker 1: couple of things that kind of stood out, UM as 355 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:23,240 Speaker 1: I was reading your letter, um is that it does 356 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 1: feel like this is a lot about kind of boundary 357 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:31,200 Speaker 1: setting and assert of communication. Um so, especially with the 358 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,560 Speaker 1: person who is currently living with you. UM So, I 359 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 1: wonder what the conversation was around the rules and guidelines 360 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,720 Speaker 1: for her moving in? Um So? Was there a date 361 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,159 Speaker 1: that she was supposed to be out? Was this a 362 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,679 Speaker 1: temporary kind of thing? Was there an agreement made about 363 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 1: how much rent she should be paying? Um when you 364 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,520 Speaker 1: agree to let her move in, what did she understand 365 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,440 Speaker 1: about the circumstances about what she could move in? I'm 366 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,080 Speaker 1: also one during if you've asked for your money back? 367 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: So you said she's kind of behind on month on 368 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,960 Speaker 1: rent for a couple of months that you've paid. I 369 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,080 Speaker 1: wonder if you've asked for your money back or what 370 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,040 Speaker 1: or her what is the understanding that she has about 371 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,239 Speaker 1: whether she owes you that money or not? And I 372 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: also wonder what your thoughts are about continuing to live 373 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:22,119 Speaker 1: in a situation that feels so tense. Um you know? So? 374 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,520 Speaker 1: I mean, so when you've already kind of worked hard 375 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,600 Speaker 1: all day, typically you want to come home to some 376 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: peace and feel like your home is a sanctuary. And 377 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 1: it definitely doesn't sound like that's happening right now, and 378 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: so I wonder if you feel like you can have 379 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,760 Speaker 1: a conversation about her moving out, especially since at least 380 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,520 Speaker 1: from the letter, it doesn't really seem like they were 381 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 1: clear guidelines. So you describe her as a roommate, UM, 382 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,600 Speaker 1: but I wonder if that that ever became a formal 383 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 1: kind of thing, especially since she's behind so many months 384 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 1: on the rent um. You also mentioned that you often 385 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 1: find yourself over compensating in your friend ships with time 386 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,040 Speaker 1: and money, and I would wonder what you feel like 387 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 1: you're over compensating for. I wonder what messages about yourself 388 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: you're holding on to that result in you showing up 389 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: in your friendships that way. UM. You know, so, I 390 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,840 Speaker 1: think it's easy to kind of look at, Okay, this 391 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: person has not been a good friend to me because 392 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: of X, Y and Z. But I think if you 393 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,600 Speaker 1: continue to see this kind of pattern in your friendships, 394 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,160 Speaker 1: you do need to look inward to say, Okay, what's 395 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 1: going on with me that I continue to find myself 396 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:34,160 Speaker 1: in these kinds of friendships? What are you over compensating for? 397 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 1: Do you feel like there is something about UM not 398 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:41,720 Speaker 1: feeling good enough to be in reciprocal relationships or do 399 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 1: you feel like that's all you really have to offer 400 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,000 Speaker 1: is your time and money in a friendship. Do you 401 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: feel like, um, friends would not be attracted to you 402 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,800 Speaker 1: just because of who you are, just as you are 403 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,639 Speaker 1: in the world without anything external to offer them. So 404 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:01,520 Speaker 1: I'd encourage you to do some internal work around, UM, 405 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 1: why you continue to find yourself in these same kinds 406 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 1: of friendships. And I do think that it is a 407 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: greater lesson, you know, for probably lots of people who 408 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:14,359 Speaker 1: are listening about what kinds of what kinds of ways 409 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 1: we can set boundaries and be assertive in our communication. UM. 410 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,960 Speaker 1: So with your first friend, it does sound like the 411 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,159 Speaker 1: person who you feel like was kind of being shady 412 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,720 Speaker 1: to you throughout the relationship. It does sound like you 413 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,040 Speaker 1: kind of put her into um, you know, like you 414 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 1: set a boundary when she made the comment about you 415 00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,720 Speaker 1: feeling too confident UM. But then it sounds like you 416 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,080 Speaker 1: probably have let a lot slide UM and kind of 417 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,879 Speaker 1: if you've been feeling like there's an underlying shade for 418 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,600 Speaker 1: much of the relationship, then I would wonder why it 419 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,960 Speaker 1: had to go as far as UM them sharing, you know, 420 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:50,800 Speaker 1: drunken photos of you for you to really feel like, Okay, 421 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,359 Speaker 1: enough is enough, so again really doing some inner work 422 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:58,840 Speaker 1: to find out what kinds of things keep me um 423 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,520 Speaker 1: continuing in relations and shifts that I do not feel 424 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,480 Speaker 1: are reciprocal. So I do hope that that has given 425 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,560 Speaker 1: you some starting points to kind of think more about, 426 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:12,680 Speaker 1: and again hope that any listeners who need similar feedback 427 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,520 Speaker 1: will be able to kind of take something from that 428 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:17,679 Speaker 1: message as well. If there is a question that you 429 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 1: have or a situation that you'd like some feedback about, 430 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,879 Speaker 1: I would be happy to answer that for you. You 431 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,040 Speaker 1: can send it to podcast at Therapy for Black Girls 432 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:29,480 Speaker 1: dot com, or if you have any other general questions 433 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,880 Speaker 1: or topics that you feel like you'd like to hear 434 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,240 Speaker 1: on the podcast, please send those two podcasts at Therapy 435 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com as well. I'd love to 436 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,000 Speaker 1: hear your feedback about this episode as well as any 437 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,240 Speaker 1: of the others. I'd love to hear what your favorites 438 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,760 Speaker 1: have been so far. To make sure to contact me 439 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:50,280 Speaker 1: on social media and use the hashtag tv G in session. 440 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,159 Speaker 1: You can find me on Twitter at Therapy for the Number. 441 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:58,440 Speaker 1: Four be Girls are on Instagram and Facebook at therapy 442 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: for Black Girls, and just make sure to tell your 443 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,320 Speaker 1: friends about the podcast. I think that a lot of 444 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,199 Speaker 1: women could benefit from the information that I've been sharing, 445 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: so please make sure that you're sharing it with your circles. 446 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:12,239 Speaker 1: I'm definitely looking forward to continue in this conversation with 447 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,480 Speaker 1: you all real soon. Make sure that if you're looking 448 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,040 Speaker 1: for a therapist in the Georgia area, you look at 449 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,480 Speaker 1: my web page at Therapy for Black Girls dot com schedule, 450 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 1: and if you're looking for a therapist elsewhere, make sure 451 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,320 Speaker 1: to look at the directory Therapy for Black Girls dot 452 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: com backslash directory. I'm definitely looking forward to continuing this 453 00:25:31,880 --> 00:26:01,600 Speaker 1: conversation with you all real soon. Take care The pir 454 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:07,320 Speaker 1: Oforichacter