WEBVTT - I Have A Confession

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<v Speaker 1>Hello, everyone, Welcome to this week's episode of Cheeky's and Chill.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for taking the time to listen.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you for loving my podcast. I get a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of great comments you guys. I just had a few

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<v Speaker 1>shows this weekend and a lot of people are like,

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<v Speaker 1>I listen to your podcast, Thank you so much. It's

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<v Speaker 1>such an inspiration and that makes me happy because that's

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<v Speaker 1>all I ever want to do you guys, is in

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<v Speaker 1>some way be an inspiration and make you guys feel empowered.

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<v Speaker 1>And if I can prevent you from making mistakes like

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<v Speaker 1>I've made, that is what this podcast and my whole life,

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<v Speaker 1>my singing, my books, everything that I do, that is

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<v Speaker 1>like my main focus. Well, this is going to be

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<v Speaker 1>an episode where it's just you and I again, me

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<v Speaker 1>the mic and you. So what I want to talk

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<v Speaker 1>to you guys about today is something that has been

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<v Speaker 1>on my heart for about a week now. It's been

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<v Speaker 1>in my prayer and meditation time and I spoke to

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<v Speaker 1>a few people about it, like what do you think

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<v Speaker 1>I kind of want to say this, and some people said, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>I think you should. I think if you have that

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<v Speaker 1>in your heart and you want to express it, I

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<v Speaker 1>think you should other said no that I shouldn't, but

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<v Speaker 1>I always do what I want to do. I follow

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<v Speaker 1>my heart. There's a lot of heart in this episode

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<v Speaker 1>right now. But that's my truth right now, and I

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<v Speaker 1>just I feel like, in a way it's going to

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<v Speaker 1>liberate me. I don't know just the whole thing that happened,

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<v Speaker 1>you guys, with my miscarriage. And I got a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of love messages, a lot of comments, a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>dms from you guys that listen to my podcast. Thank

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<v Speaker 1>you so much. Again, I don't know where to start.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know how I'm even going to star this.

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<v Speaker 1>I guess I'm just going to dig deep and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>going to wean this because there's no right or wrong

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<v Speaker 1>way to say. In reality, this is just something that

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<v Speaker 1>I wanted to share because my miscarriage put a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of things into perspective for me, and I just don't

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<v Speaker 1>feel right keeping something like this in, especially since I've

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<v Speaker 1>been so honest and upfront with you guys about almost

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<v Speaker 1>everything in my life. But I want to say it

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<v Speaker 1>was season one or season two of Cheeese and Chill

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<v Speaker 1>were now in the third season. I've sprinkled it in

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<v Speaker 1>here and there, in regards to a miscarriage I said

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<v Speaker 1>I had when I was nineteen. That wasn't the entire truth.

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<v Speaker 1>I did not feel comfortable with stating my truth, and

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<v Speaker 1>now I feel comfortable now, I feel ready because it

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<v Speaker 1>was actually I decided to terminate the pregnancy. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>know if termination is worse than abortion. I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>but I just I guess. I'm still uncomfortable with the vocabulary.

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<v Speaker 1>Even saying miscarriage is a little weird to me, like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I had a misca It's still very weird to me.

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<v Speaker 1>It sounds, it feels weird. So anyways, it was my choice.

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<v Speaker 1>At nineteen years old, that's when it happened. I said

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<v Speaker 1>I had a miscarriage. It's a secret I've carried for

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<v Speaker 1>since then. The person that I was with then doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>even know. I hope this is It's sad, but I

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<v Speaker 1>don't have any communication with him. But this is how

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<v Speaker 1>he's going to find out as well. I told him

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<v Speaker 1>that it was a miscarriage. I went by myself. I

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<v Speaker 1>was nineteen years old. I was very afraid of my mom,

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<v Speaker 1>not because I just didn't want to disappoint her. I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's why I was afraid of her, not because

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<v Speaker 1>she was going to like kick me out or anything

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<v Speaker 1>like that. I think it was more of like disappointing her.

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<v Speaker 1>I always seek her approval, and definitely, at nineteen years old,

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<v Speaker 1>I was not ready. And I guess I just feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I have to confess it in a way because

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<v Speaker 1>now that I've really experienced a miscarriage, this was my

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<v Speaker 1>very first miscarriage, I don't feel like it's fair. It's

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<v Speaker 1>fair to say that, and it doesn't feel right inside

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<v Speaker 1>of me, especially with everything that the healing journey I've

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<v Speaker 1>been on for the past few years. It just doesn't

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<v Speaker 1>feel right. And that's why I wanted to let you

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<v Speaker 1>guys know. And I apologize if I let anyone down.

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<v Speaker 1>I apologize if maybe I'll lose some followers or some listeners,

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<v Speaker 1>because I know that that's a very touchy subject. And

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<v Speaker 1>I have also expressed on my podcast it I am

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<v Speaker 1>pro choice. That's just my opinion. That's my belief. I

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<v Speaker 1>feel that as women we should have and decide what

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<v Speaker 1>we do with our bodies. And that's just my opinion,

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<v Speaker 1>and I respect everyone else's opinion. So I also so

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<v Speaker 1>understand if people will be upset with me. I just

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<v Speaker 1>someone told me, you're like teekies. Don't don't say it.

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<v Speaker 1>You don't have to, like you know, there's even friends

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<v Speaker 1>that had no idea that are in my life now.

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<v Speaker 1>And I told him, I said, I just have to

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<v Speaker 1>say this because I honestly thought about it. I thought,

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<v Speaker 1>I said, oh my gosh, like, is this because I

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<v Speaker 1>had an abortion before that this happened and all the

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<v Speaker 1>reproductive issues that I've had, Is it because of that?

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<v Speaker 1>You know? I'm not gonna lie and say that. I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't think that. But when I was in Albuquerque at

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<v Speaker 1>the hospital, the doctor there was so amazing and she

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<v Speaker 1>told me, because of course, you have to give them

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<v Speaker 1>all of your you know, your health history, and and

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<v Speaker 1>I did, and I told her, I told her, you know, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>and a media already knew this. Him and I before,

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<v Speaker 1>I think a week before he asked me to marry him,

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<v Speaker 1>we had this deep conversation in Las Vegas. We both

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<v Speaker 1>like sat at a bar and we just told each

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<v Speaker 1>other everything, stuff that he's gone through and he has

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<v Speaker 1>done that he's not proud of. And I confess this.

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<v Speaker 1>I said, I just want you to know everything about me.

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<v Speaker 1>And I just feel better since that conversation. So even

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<v Speaker 1>friends of mine who are really close to me, I

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<v Speaker 1>never told them. Uh. And one of my friends was like,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't think that you need to tell people this

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<v Speaker 1>because you know how people or some people can be

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<v Speaker 1>with you, especially the media. They're going to talk bad

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<v Speaker 1>about you. And I'm just like, you know what. At first,

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, yeah, you're right, I'm not going to

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<v Speaker 1>say anything, but it just didn't. It was bothering me.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's like my gut feeling, my intuition saying it's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>The people that love you are going to love you regardless,

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<v Speaker 1>and maybe you can help other people. And that's what

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<v Speaker 1>I want to do, is like I want to help

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<v Speaker 1>people and I want to show you guys at the

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<v Speaker 1>end of the day, like, hey, I'm not perfect. I

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't entirely honest, because again I wasn't ready. But now

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<v Speaker 1>that I've experienced this, I see the world in a

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<v Speaker 1>different way, and even to the point where people that

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<v Speaker 1>I love so much and that I thought we're friends,

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<v Speaker 1>this has made me see people for who they really

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<v Speaker 1>are and what part they should play in my life. Now.

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<v Speaker 1>It's crazy how so much pain can open your eyes

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<v Speaker 1>to like a different world to appreciating life in a

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<v Speaker 1>different way, which is why I felt it so deep

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<v Speaker 1>within me to express this, to let you guys know,

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<v Speaker 1>especially my listeners, like my loyal listeners that listen to

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<v Speaker 1>my podcast, because I never want to steer you guys

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<v Speaker 1>in the wrong way, in any way, and the only

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<v Speaker 1>way to change lives is to be completely honest, and

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<v Speaker 1>I always say that, So this is I feel like

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<v Speaker 1>the only thing that I need to clear up. Other

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<v Speaker 1>than that I've been honest about everything. It's just something

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<v Speaker 1>so personal and because my mom never knew, she never

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<v Speaker 1>found out, she didn't even know I was pregnant. You guys, ever,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know what I was doing at nineteen year olds,

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<v Speaker 1>how I got there, Like I drove myself. I had

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<v Speaker 1>to stay there, like it was like it was a

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<v Speaker 1>whole DNC it was that did happen? And I just

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<v Speaker 1>I only told an aunt and I said that in

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<v Speaker 1>my podcast, and I don't know if she ever shared

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<v Speaker 1>it with anyone, but I was really close to her then.

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<v Speaker 1>And no, it's not my mom's sister. It's another aunt,

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<v Speaker 1>one of my uncle's wives, that I told, And I

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<v Speaker 1>don't think she ever said anything. She never told my mom.

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<v Speaker 1>So I just felt like it's not fair. I guess

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<v Speaker 1>in a way, I feel weird, Like I never thought

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<v Speaker 1>I was going to say it, to be honest, I

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<v Speaker 1>never thought I had to because I always thought about

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<v Speaker 1>my mom too. I'm like, Okay, well that's not cool,

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<v Speaker 1>like she's not here and she didn't know, but you

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<v Speaker 1>know what, I'm grown. I'm sure my mom would understand. Now.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I was just young and I was scared

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<v Speaker 1>and I was not ready, and it's something I do

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<v Speaker 1>think about all the time. And if anything, I want

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<v Speaker 1>to apologize to that partner. And I won't say his name,

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<v Speaker 1>but for sure, once he knows my age and how

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<v Speaker 1>old I was, he's gonna know. But I just don't

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<v Speaker 1>feel fair. He's happy now and I'm so happy for

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<v Speaker 1>him and his wife and they have three beautiful boys.

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<v Speaker 1>And I just feel like everything happened the way it

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<v Speaker 1>was supposed to happen, and Ynada, I just wanted to

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<v Speaker 1>get that off my chest. You guys says it was

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<v Speaker 1>killing me. I was like, I can't, I can't sleep,

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<v Speaker 1>Like it was just something that was really like weighing

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<v Speaker 1>heavy on me because of this whole experience and I

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<v Speaker 1>just believe in being fair, and I just feel like

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<v Speaker 1>it wasn't fair to that pregnancy, you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 1>It's weird. I don't even know if I'm making sense,

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<v Speaker 1>but I just feel like it wasn't fair to the

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<v Speaker 1>pregnancy I just had, or the pregnancy that I had

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<v Speaker 1>at nineteen. I'm like, let me just come out in

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<v Speaker 1>the open and just bring it to light, because now

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<v Speaker 1>I know more than ever who I am and where

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<v Speaker 1>I want to go and the impact I want to

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<v Speaker 1>have in this world. That I'm okay with letting you

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<v Speaker 1>guys know. Hey, guys, I'm not perfect. I know a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of people have probably gone through this and haven't

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<v Speaker 1>told a soul, and that's okay. I mean, it's up

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<v Speaker 1>to you if you don't want to tell everyone or

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<v Speaker 1>put it on a podcast, you know. But for me,

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<v Speaker 1>I just felt like this is part of my mission,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, in this world, and especially after this weekend,

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<v Speaker 1>you guys, I had three shows. I went on stage

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<v Speaker 1>with the worst back pain, you guys, And that's also

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<v Speaker 1>part of the miscarriage. I didn't know. I've never experienced

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<v Speaker 1>a back pain like this. I don't even like taking

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<v Speaker 1>ibuprofen or taila oh, I'm like try my best to

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<v Speaker 1>be very like holistic and you know, take natural things.

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<v Speaker 1>But I was in so much pain, like I it was.

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<v Speaker 1>It was insane, but we got through it. And it's

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<v Speaker 1>crazy because the first show I had for the am

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<v Speaker 1>onth this tour, I was pregnant and I didn't know

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<v Speaker 1>how I was going to feel going on stage, and

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<v Speaker 1>like you know what I mean, like because the first show,

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<v Speaker 1>I felt so powerful, I felt like invincible. Was this

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<v Speaker 1>crazy feeling I felt. I just felt like I had

0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:09.360
<v Speaker 1>this glow about me, and I was afraid that I

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't going to have that for these shows. And I

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<v Speaker 1>had a great time at my shows. I did hydrate

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<v Speaker 1>very important. I'm gonaeting Ivy today too, because you know,

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<v Speaker 1>got to care myself. But I felt very sad in

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<v Speaker 1>the first show. I cried a little bit when I

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<v Speaker 1>was singing Sino Tubi Rasiloyes got very like watery because

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<v Speaker 1>of the lyrics and what that song means to me

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<v Speaker 1>and like obviously like it's a very special song to

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<v Speaker 1>a media as well, but I just I cried a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit. And then after that, after the first show,

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<v Speaker 1>I felt a little bit better. And then the second

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<v Speaker 1>and third Children's Third show was I think the hardest physically,

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<v Speaker 1>but emotionally I felt I felt pretty good. I felt

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<v Speaker 1>fine again. I think it's because of the faith that

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<v Speaker 1>I haven't got and like in the higher power that

0:12:54.160 --> 0:12:58.360
<v Speaker 1>helped me heal from this. I don't think I'm completely

0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:02.240
<v Speaker 1>healed yet from from what happened, but I'm definitely I

0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:05.400
<v Speaker 1>feel better every single day. Physically, I'm still feeling a

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<v Speaker 1>little weird. I'm not supposed to work out. I think

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<v Speaker 1>what really messed me up, you guys, was I was

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<v Speaker 1>feeling fine and then I got on the bike for

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<v Speaker 1>forty five minutes, and then after that the back paint came.

0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:20.240
<v Speaker 1>And the lady that helps me at the house. You know,

0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:22.200
<v Speaker 1>she's a Mexican lady, so they know all these like

0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.800
<v Speaker 1>you know, cosas, caaseiras and like all. I feel like

0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:28.400
<v Speaker 1>the Mexican ladies, the older ladies know everything. So she

0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:30.080
<v Speaker 1>told me, she's like, you weren't supposed to work out.

0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:32.680
<v Speaker 1>You have to be careful. Your uterus is still healing,

0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:35.560
<v Speaker 1>even if you're feeling like better. And I think that

0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:39.200
<v Speaker 1>that's like I had. I was like, damn like and

0:13:39.280 --> 0:13:41.120
<v Speaker 1>I think that's what started the whole back paint. It's

0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:44.559
<v Speaker 1>still not one hundred percent gone, but it's getting better,

0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:46.800
<v Speaker 1>and I have faith it'll get better because in a

0:13:46.800 --> 0:13:57.840
<v Speaker 1>few days I'm flying out because I have another two shows.

0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:04.280
<v Speaker 1>I just wanted to kind of tell you guys where

0:14:04.280 --> 0:14:06.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm at and how I'm feeling, and let you guys

0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:08.319
<v Speaker 1>know that I am okay. Because a lot of people

0:14:08.320 --> 0:14:10.560
<v Speaker 1>were worried. They couldn't believe that I was gonna go

0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:12.160
<v Speaker 1>back on tour. I did get a lot of those

0:14:12.200 --> 0:14:16.959
<v Speaker 1>messages like I think you should cancel. I did get

0:14:17.000 --> 0:14:18.800
<v Speaker 1>an angry person that was like, oh my god, that's

0:14:18.840 --> 0:14:23.400
<v Speaker 1>so responsible. I can't believe you're going on tour. But

0:14:23.440 --> 0:14:26.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm fine, you guys, I'm okay. I have a great

0:14:26.680 --> 0:14:31.320
<v Speaker 1>team around me. I'm taking precaution as well. I'm doing

0:14:31.360 --> 0:14:34.320
<v Speaker 1>what I got to do, and being on stage makes

0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:38.840
<v Speaker 1>me happy, Like feeling the love that you guys give me.

0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:43.200
<v Speaker 1>When I'm on stage, I loss, and you know, all

0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:49.800
<v Speaker 1>of that makes me feel full and happy. So I'm good.

0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:52.080
<v Speaker 1>Emilia is also okay. People ask me about that. How

0:14:52.160 --> 0:14:55.880
<v Speaker 1>is he? He's a lot better. I'm telling you, every

0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:58.480
<v Speaker 1>day we're understanding more and more, and I just feel

0:14:58.520 --> 0:15:04.560
<v Speaker 1>like this situation happened because I needed to also see

0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:09.280
<v Speaker 1>things that I can better within myself and with my

0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:13.840
<v Speaker 1>surroundings and people around me. It's unfortunate that this had

0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.440
<v Speaker 1>to happen in order for me to open my eyes

0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:23.760
<v Speaker 1>and see certain things. And I guess accept it certain things,

0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:29.080
<v Speaker 1>but I I'm always just grateful for every experience because

0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:33.120
<v Speaker 1>I feel like through every experience, you grow and you

0:15:33.240 --> 0:15:38.520
<v Speaker 1>mature and you learn, and I'm definitely still seeing little

0:15:38.560 --> 0:15:48.840
<v Speaker 1>by little what the blessing behind this unfortunate event, because

0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:52.040
<v Speaker 1>there's always something good that we can pull from sad situations.

0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:56.120
<v Speaker 1>So I'm still on that journey and this was part

0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:58.400
<v Speaker 1>of it. I just wanted to talk to you guys

0:15:58.440 --> 0:16:01.920
<v Speaker 1>and open up about them because I didn't want to,

0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:06.600
<v Speaker 1>like feel like I was misleading you guys in any way.

0:16:06.680 --> 0:16:10.920
<v Speaker 1>And I think it'll also help my healing journey. And yeah,

0:16:11.040 --> 0:16:13.560
<v Speaker 1>I mean, if there is someone that's watching or listening

0:16:13.720 --> 0:16:17.920
<v Speaker 1>and maybe doesn't see me the same anymore, I'm okay

0:16:18.160 --> 0:16:21.640
<v Speaker 1>with that. I completely understand. I am a person that

0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:26.320
<v Speaker 1>respects everyone's opinion and I'm sorry if I let you

0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:30.560
<v Speaker 1>down in any way. But I also want to be

0:16:30.680 --> 0:16:34.600
<v Speaker 1>loved and completely loved and accepted for who I am,

0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.960
<v Speaker 1>which is why I felt so comfortable letting Emilia know

0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:44.880
<v Speaker 1>this because I want him to love me, flaws and all,

0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:48.720
<v Speaker 1>and I don't want to have any skeletons in the

0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:54.040
<v Speaker 1>closet or secrets or pretend to be someone that I'm

0:16:54.080 --> 0:16:56.600
<v Speaker 1>not to be loved and to be accepted. So if

0:16:56.600 --> 0:17:02.400
<v Speaker 1>there are people here that want to unsubscribe or unfollow

0:17:02.440 --> 0:17:06.800
<v Speaker 1>me on social media or I'm okay with it because

0:17:06.800 --> 0:17:11.280
<v Speaker 1>I also, like I said, I love people for who

0:17:11.320 --> 0:17:13.080
<v Speaker 1>they are and that's the only thing I want in

0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.280
<v Speaker 1>my life. I want it to be completely reciprocated. So

0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:24.280
<v Speaker 1>if anything, I'm again I apologize, and the people that

0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:27.439
<v Speaker 1>have been with me since day one and continue to

0:17:27.480 --> 0:17:29.040
<v Speaker 1>be with me and will continue to be with me,

0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:31.880
<v Speaker 1>I love you, and I could just promise you from

0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:37.040
<v Speaker 1>this day forward that there is nothing else that I

0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:39.800
<v Speaker 1>feel that I need to say or anything else that

0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:43.639
<v Speaker 1>I wouldn't be okay with speaking about. To be honest, like,

0:17:43.800 --> 0:17:46.280
<v Speaker 1>I am in such a good place in my life

0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:49.239
<v Speaker 1>where I'm like, I know who I am, I know

0:17:49.280 --> 0:17:51.040
<v Speaker 1>where I'm going, I know what I want to do

0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:55.760
<v Speaker 1>in this world, that there's nothing that I wouldn't feel

0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:58.320
<v Speaker 1>comfortable talking about at this point and just saying, hey, here,

0:17:58.480 --> 0:18:00.399
<v Speaker 1>this is what I think. These are my belief this

0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:04.879
<v Speaker 1>is what I've done wrong or things that I'm not

0:18:04.920 --> 0:18:07.359
<v Speaker 1>proud of, or whatever it may be. I don't know,

0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:12.320
<v Speaker 1>but I just want to say thank you to everyone

0:18:12.359 --> 0:18:17.679
<v Speaker 1>for listening and for being here with me, and and

0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:22.520
<v Speaker 1>so be it whatever happens from here. I mean, I

0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:28.560
<v Speaker 1>always say that, and I feel good. I feel free.

0:18:29.000 --> 0:18:32.919
<v Speaker 1>I feel like there it's out there. I don't have

0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:34.399
<v Speaker 1>to hide it. I don't have to like you know

0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:36.159
<v Speaker 1>what I mean, like just for the sake of not

0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:38.000
<v Speaker 1>upsetting certain people. And it's just like, you know what,

0:18:38.800 --> 0:18:42.080
<v Speaker 1>this is me, and that's all I can give you

0:18:42.240 --> 0:18:46.320
<v Speaker 1>is me, my real self, and I would just hope

0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:54.080
<v Speaker 1>that you love me for who I amen. So you,

0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:57.000
<v Speaker 1>guys again, thank you so much for listening, for being here,

0:18:57.080 --> 0:18:59.480
<v Speaker 1>for being a part of this family, Chiky's and Chill,

0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:02.560
<v Speaker 1>for listening to dear Cheeky's as well. I am very

0:19:02.560 --> 0:19:06.560
<v Speaker 1>grateful and I appreciate you and you and you and

0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:10.200
<v Speaker 1>all of you, and I'll catch you on the next

0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:20.480
<v Speaker 1>episode of Cheeky's and Chill. Thank you, guys. This is

0:19:20.480 --> 0:19:24.639
<v Speaker 1>a production of iHeartRadio and Mike with Podcast Network. Follow

0:19:24.720 --> 0:19:28.399
<v Speaker 1>us on Instagram at Mike Withura Podcasts, and follow me

0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:32.320
<v Speaker 1>Cheeky's That's c h i q u i s. For

0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:36.600
<v Speaker 1>more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:38.920
<v Speaker 1>or wherever you get your favorite shows.