Speaker 1: Hi, We're back with a minisode and my special guest
Speaker 1: is Yaminika Saunders. She's here today, still teeth the lipstick
Speaker 1: is not on your teeth today.
Speaker 2: No, it's gone.
Speaker 3: Now it's gone, so you ate it. Catherine, what's happening.
Speaker 4: Hi, Chelsea.
Speaker 5: Well, we have a quick update from a previous caller.
Speaker 5: This is from Dolly. She had called in on our
Speaker 5: Christina Ricci episode. Her brother and sister in law were
Speaker 5: fighting a lot. It was sort of affecting their kids,
Speaker 5: so she was wondering how to support her niece and nephew,
Speaker 5: so she says, Hi. There. Since being on the show
Speaker 5: with Chelsea and Christina Ricci, my husband and I have
Speaker 5: made active strides to not interlope with my sister in
Speaker 5: law and her husband's relationship WOWS and distanced ourself from
Speaker 5: being in the center of their ongoing tension. As far
Speaker 5: as their relationship, there hasn't been much improvement, but on
Speaker 5: a positive note, as Chelsea recommended, my husband and I
Speaker 5: have been spending more time with our niece and nephew
Speaker 5: and building a stronger relationship with them. Thank you, Chelsea
Speaker 5: for the reminder that it's their relationship and I should
Speaker 5: worry only about what I can control.
Speaker 4: Dolly.
Speaker 2: Wow, that's good. Great, that's good.
Speaker 4: I love that.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 5: And reaching out to these kids is like so great, Yeah,
Speaker 5: reaching out because kids are so you know, she's You've
Speaker 5: got nieces and nephews and you know how important it
Speaker 5: is to connect with them and make sure they have
Speaker 5: a safe haven.
Speaker 3: And yeah, you know, yeah, she was watching her in
Speaker 3: laws or her sister. What was it like, have bad,
Speaker 3: bad relationship.
Speaker 4: Yeah, her sister and brother in law.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like really fight with each other and fight in
Speaker 1: front of the kids, really inappropriate. And it's like she
Speaker 1: was trying to like get involved and I'm like, you
Speaker 1: can't get involved in that. All you can do is
Speaker 1: really show up with your children, with their children and
Speaker 1: just like build a relationship with them so that they
Speaker 1: have a safe, safe place to go and safe people
Speaker 1: to talk to. But I feel like that's pretty much
Speaker 1: the biggest contribution you can make, if you can impact
Speaker 1: children's lives in a positive way.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like that is very purposeful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just don't.
Speaker 6: I'd always arguing in front of children is like crazy
Speaker 6: to me.
Speaker 3: Did you grow up with parents that argued at all?
Speaker 2: No, we were just a fussy family.
Speaker 6: But we were more like funny, fussy funny, you know,
Speaker 6: like nobody took anything serious. I felt very loved. You know,
Speaker 6: I had grow up problems like everybody else, but I
Speaker 6: felt very loved. I'm very grateful for my family, but
Speaker 6: to come from a family that had foster children, you know,
Speaker 6: my grandparents took in foster kids, and seeing children coming
Speaker 6: from abusive situations and situations where they're uncomfortable, and realizing
Speaker 6: how blessed I was that I don't have to go
Speaker 6: home and worry about is there going to be somebody
Speaker 6: who's going to beat me to death or do something,
Speaker 6: you know what I mean. Like the way we don't
Speaker 6: protect little human beings that we bring into the world
Speaker 6: is insane.
Speaker 1: On a separate note, I just want to point out
Speaker 1: that you're wearing a separate You're wearing a pair of
Speaker 1: sneakers today that look like you are actually your size,
Speaker 1: because when I was out with you last night, there
Speaker 1: were you wear these boat sneakers that are they seem
Speaker 1: like they're a few sizes too big, and I know
Speaker 1: we were giving you some grief about it last night.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think we should retire those sneakers.
Speaker 6: I think no, but they're also very comfortable. They're a
Speaker 6: part of me that at some point I will I
Speaker 6: will retire.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, maybe when you come to Europe, maybe I'll
Speaker 1: go into your suitcase and maybe I'll retire them for you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if I bring those shoes, I'm not going.
Speaker 7: To not coming back to Europe. Honey, I'm that trash.
Speaker 3: Okay, what did we have next? Catherine so Claudia is
Speaker 3: thirty three.
Speaker 4: She's in Miami.
Speaker 5: She says, Dear Chelsea, my boyfriend and I have been
Speaker 5: together for about three years now. We live together, both
Speaker 5: in our thirties, and I'm confident in saying that we're
Speaker 5: in this for the long haul. My predicament is that
Speaker 5: he's very unhappy with his job, and I don't know
Speaker 5: the best way to be supportive anymore. He's applied to
Speaker 5: hundreds of other positions, but doesn't ever seem to make
Speaker 5: it past the interview phase. He gets defeated, frustrated, and
Speaker 5: I struggle with knowing how to help him. All I
Speaker 5: want is for him to be happy or at least
Speaker 5: neutral at this point with his job, but it doesn't
Speaker 5: seem like he's taking the best steps or initiative to
Speaker 5: get there. He won't let me read his resume or
Speaker 5: cover letter for advice, and when I try to connect
Speaker 5: him with people, he shoots me down. He's an incredible
Speaker 5: writer and artist, and I've encouraged him to go to
Speaker 5: grad school as a different option to pursue, but he's.
Speaker 4: Stuck and won't make the jump.
Speaker 5: He's had episodes of depression in the past, and I
Speaker 5: fear that these career struggles might take him down that road.
Speaker 4: Again.
Speaker 5: We're in different industries, so I don't exactly know what
Speaker 5: resources to point him to, but I encourage him to
Speaker 5: keep applying and not lose faith. The last thing I
Speaker 5: want is to be a nag, and I know he
Speaker 5: really needs to be the one to lift himself up
Speaker 5: and tackle this on his own. But it's difficult to
Speaker 5: watch the person you love get pushed down. So many times,
Speaker 5: I think I've hit a wall and I just need
Speaker 5: an outside perspective on this.
Speaker 4: Claudia, Hi Claudia, Hi, nice to see you both.
Speaker 3: Hi, thank you. This is Yaminika.
Speaker 2: Hi Claudia.
Speaker 6: I want to say I you know, I was snickering
Speaker 6: at the top of it, because my god.
Speaker 2: You know you wire me. You were me. I remember
Speaker 2: being you right?
Speaker 6: Yeah, young, that's some young shit you doing all what
Speaker 6: is this episode a lean on me as well? Why
Speaker 6: the fuck are you building this dude up like fuck that?
Speaker 6: And you in your thirties you still young, bitch, and
Speaker 6: you sit here raised? This is the motherfucker is already
Speaker 6: supposed to be raised. He's got to go. You know
Speaker 6: what you want in life? I'm telling you, don't waste
Speaker 6: your fucking time.
Speaker 2: No, we gotta go. Who are you fucking your webs?
Speaker 2: I get it.
Speaker 6: But all of this adjusting that she's doing to try
Speaker 6: to reach a motherfucker is a waste of time, Chelsea.
Speaker 6: And in the forties and up, we can tell you
Speaker 6: because we've been here. That's why I'm giggling at you.
Speaker 6: You was the bitch I was. Please stop being a
Speaker 6: bitch as soon as possible.
Speaker 1: Let's have a realistic conversation about how you know. I
Speaker 1: know you said your piece and now I want to talk.
Speaker 1: So where are you at with how tolerant you are
Speaker 1: willing to be for this period or duration of time
Speaker 1: where he's kind of listless and depressed. Where are you
Speaker 1: on your relationship journey spectrum?
Speaker 8: Well, I'm not like up to here, I'm still very
Speaker 8: supportive and it's not like he's a deadbet either. It's
Speaker 8: I'm not like paying his bills or anything like. He's
Speaker 8: still contributing financially. So until that's until that changes, and
Speaker 8: I'm fine to keep supporting him.
Speaker 1: But okay, so see those are her parameters, So she's
Speaker 1: not you have to experience these things before place.
Speaker 3: Where you know that.
Speaker 6: Let me we're right, okay, So Chelsea is coming from
Speaker 6: that angle. I'm coming here to contribute something completely different
Speaker 6: and from a different angle. That's why it's not another
Speaker 6: Chelsea saying he I'm sitting here, I appreciate. What I'm
Speaker 6: telling you is I love that you are doing that right,
Speaker 6: And I understand everybody has parameters. I'm not heartless. What
Speaker 6: I am telling you is somebody who is just like that.
Speaker 6: What more can I do?
Speaker 4: What?
Speaker 6: And you're doing all You're trying to resource so that
Speaker 6: you can be resourced for him.
Speaker 2: Is he putting this kind of effort into.
Speaker 6: His own self to get out of these pity party situations?
Speaker 6: You understand, and it only gets worse over time. That's
Speaker 6: something that he has to work on with himself. Because
Speaker 6: one thing's knocking you down, you're not motivated to move forward.
Speaker 2: Over time, life.
Speaker 6: Is going to do nothing but kick your ass, and
Speaker 6: if you're not able to overcome from that, you're gonna
Speaker 6: want to bitter and stuck. I know I have friends
Speaker 6: like that. Every day I ask the Lord, please help
Speaker 6: me not to be bitter and stuck.
Speaker 2: It's easy.
Speaker 3: I do the same thing.
Speaker 1: I always wake up and say, please, I pray, like,
Speaker 1: let me not be a cunt today, you know, like
Speaker 1: I have that. I have that thing too, and let
Speaker 1: me not be a cunt to other people. Like he's
Speaker 1: obviously wrapped in, like very self involved in this period
Speaker 1: of time that he's in and whether he's depressed or
Speaker 1: he's gonna be depressed or whatever. There really is only
Speaker 1: so much you can do to help somebody, to help
Speaker 1: lift somebody up if they're not willing to lift themselves up,
Speaker 1: like you giving him resources and putting him in touch
Speaker 1: with people and him kind of not responding to that
Speaker 1: doesn't show initiative and doesn't show ambition or a want
Speaker 1: for change. It's almost is like there are certain people
Speaker 1: that like to be in this kind of negative space
Speaker 1: that's their oxygen where they like to be a victim
Speaker 1: where they like to everything nothing goes right for me,
Speaker 1: and it's the same old song and dance. So I think, Yaminika,
Speaker 1: what she said is poignant because when you get to
Speaker 1: be older, you'll realize, like you don't really want to
Speaker 1: put this much effort into him. But I totally respect
Speaker 1: the fact that you still love him and you still
Speaker 1: have more tolerance for his situation and to help him.
Speaker 1: But I would really start focusing on yourself. Since you
Speaker 1: can't pick him up out of this situation, how can
Speaker 1: you make your life, you know, more meaningful for you,
Speaker 1: so you have a space to kind of exit when
Speaker 1: he's in that space, you know what I mean, that
Speaker 1: you can go and do things for yourself, that you
Speaker 1: have your own of friends, and that you have your
Speaker 1: own like community of whatever it is, and do you
Speaker 1: have those things like do you feel like you have
Speaker 1: your own life sets?
Speaker 8: What makes it interesting is like I'm also trying to
Speaker 8: pivot careers and I got into grad school, like I'm
Speaker 8: a year into grad school to try and make that transition.
Speaker 8: So if my thank you, if my words don't mean crap,
Speaker 8: then at least he's like my example, my actually and
Speaker 8: hopefully with you know, inspires him in some way. But
Speaker 8: I also don't want to be like, hey, look at me,
Speaker 8: like I got my shit together, because I really don't.
Speaker 4: I'm being like, hey, look at you.
Speaker 5: I'm like, Oh, the woman in the relationship is making
Speaker 5: moves and doing shit to better herself and the man
Speaker 5: is fucking wallowing shocker.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: The thing is you're gonna lose your patience for it.
Speaker 1: That's the thing that we're just we're both in agreement
Speaker 1: on you're gonna lose your patience for because it's not
Speaker 1: hot and nobody just gets to be in a bad
Speaker 1: mood for a long period of time. Like, there's got
Speaker 1: to be steps taken. And while you're demonstrating actually what
Speaker 1: it looks like to change your life and take it
Speaker 1: into your own hands, he might get the message, or
Speaker 1: he might not. He might get it in five years,
Speaker 1: or he might never get it. You know, I don't know,
Speaker 1: but I would really make sure that you double down
Speaker 1: on yourself, whatever you're doing for yourself and what your
Speaker 1: goals are, make sure that you double down on your
Speaker 1: determination and making your life as good as it can be.
Speaker 3: And see where where the relationship goes.
Speaker 1: You know, maybe you'll have some sort of miracle and
Speaker 1: he will have an awakening.
Speaker 3: It happens to people.
Speaker 1: I just think women are much more reliable on men
Speaker 1: in the emotional department in terms of like hearing news,
Speaker 1: making changes, making adjustments.
Speaker 3: Were more reliable.
Speaker 6: And I'm not that. I'm not don't look at that
Speaker 6: girl in the mirror. I am about that. Look at
Speaker 6: that girl in the mirror. So what women are always
Speaker 6: expected to like, don't act like you have this over
Speaker 6: a man, and don't did this and da da da da.
Speaker 2: So what you when you getting it great?
Speaker 6: You know how hard that is again to graduate school
Speaker 6: and shit like that, and you try to make a
Speaker 6: pivot and do things like that and you can't applaud
Speaker 6: yourself and he can't be next to you go, yeah,
Speaker 6: that's my chick, she did that.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 6: We always expected as women to make an adjustment so
Speaker 6: that the man's ego is in crush.
Speaker 2: You keep being who the fuck you need to be.
Speaker 6: And then if you have to dip, go dip for
Speaker 6: a dude that's not gonna feel some kind of way
Speaker 6: about you having your star because he got his own store.
Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe he is actually jealous of you too, who knows?
Speaker 4: I yeah, I hope not.
Speaker 3: I hope not too.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 8: I think it did inspire him in a way like
Speaker 8: he's been applying. It's just that he's like in a
Speaker 8: neutral and I want him to like rev up the
Speaker 8: gear and like go into turbo, but he's not.
Speaker 5: I feel like you're probably being very sweet and understanding
Speaker 5: and nice and like what do you gals think? I
Speaker 5: feel like she needs to come in with a little
Speaker 5: more of the Aminika's energy of like, okay, it's time
Speaker 5: to stop following, like let's get shit done.
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 6: I also remember, I ain't got no man. I ain't
Speaker 6: got no man, So you can riven what you want
Speaker 6: and you gonna have no man.
Speaker 3: And I've got a lot of madness to say that.
Speaker 7: No.
Speaker 6: But and also to be fair, right to your boyfriend,
Speaker 6: we are hearing uside. We know understand like but from
Speaker 6: the common sense things that I know in life, it's
Speaker 6: not so much about this overall relationship as much as
Speaker 6: it is about Chelsea's telling you if if somebody's oxygen
Speaker 6: is negativity and that's not what you breathe, you're gonna suffocate.
Speaker 6: That's what she just said. So you need to see
Speaker 6: if you guys are on the same planet with each other.
Speaker 6: You know, maybe he's really from Mars and you from Venus.
Speaker 4: That's a good point.
Speaker 3: So I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I mean, this isn't the greatest news, but you know,
Speaker 1: like it's not uplifting you in any way, but we
Speaker 1: just want to give you, like honest female guidance.
Speaker 8: No, and I appreciate that so much. This is like,
Speaker 8: you know, the cold bucket of water that maybe I
Speaker 8: needed on my face. And I have to say, I
Speaker 8: saw you both perform in Hollywood, Florida, So I'm so
Speaker 8: happy that I got to see you today.
Speaker 4: That was like an amazing show.
Speaker 8: I went by myself and it was like what I'm
Speaker 8: talking about.
Speaker 6: And I think and I think it was. Listen, I'm
Speaker 6: gonna say this. I think it was. It's fine. I
Speaker 6: don't expect you to turn around and just leave him.
Speaker 6: That wasn't a conversation I was having. I think we
Speaker 6: were having enough conversation for you to say whatever you decide.
Speaker 6: Here is certain red flags that you need to start
Speaker 6: looking for. If negativity is his oxygen and if he's
Speaker 6: not trying to grow, then when it's time for you
Speaker 6: to audio.
Speaker 2: Supoty there, We've given you a track. But if you
Speaker 2: want to go.
Speaker 6: In and see what you can do and maybe change
Speaker 6: things around, my blessings to doing that.
Speaker 2: I'm not here to tear up.
Speaker 1: Love famous last words from Yaminika. I'm not here to
Speaker 1: tear up lives. Okay, that would be the name of
Speaker 1: this episode's the.
Speaker 4: Hopeless Romantic I can tell.
Speaker 1: Okay, Well, good luck out there. Let us know what
Speaker 1: happens if you have any big updates, let us know.
Speaker 4: Okay, thank you both so much. I appreciate it. Yeah,
Speaker 4: thank you. Fine.
Speaker 3: She received that. Well, did I mean you were at her?
Speaker 8: No?
Speaker 6: No, No, I like when I was, because I was
Speaker 6: that girl right, Like everything when it came to a guy,
Speaker 6: it's like, what can I do better?
Speaker 2: What am I not supporting him in? Is there a way?
Speaker 6: And we always read these little Cosmo magazines and shit,
Speaker 6: ten ways to be the bitch of his dream, nineteen
Speaker 6: ways and not get on his nerve, eleven ways to
Speaker 6: whisper in the sun, And it's like all this shit
Speaker 6: we gotta do as a woman to try to make
Speaker 6: a man okay, And it's like, is he ever concern
Speaker 6: in himself with how he makes us feel at all
Speaker 6: because nobody's really asking him, like, what do you think
Speaker 6: the things you could do as a man to make
Speaker 6: your woman?
Speaker 2: You know it?
Speaker 6: I think it should be reciprocity in this. I make
Speaker 6: you feel good, you make me feel good.
Speaker 1: Okay, and thank you for listening to our Miniso today
Speaker 1: with Minika Special guests by Yaminika.
Speaker 6: The next one, I'm going to be completely silent, Okay,
Speaker 6: I'm serious.
Speaker 5: Okay, bye, And you can find Yaminica on Instagram at Yaminica.
Speaker 3: So I added a couple of new dates.
Speaker 9: I'm not on tour yet, but I added a couple
Speaker 9: of dates just because I felt like we need a
Speaker 9: little bit more laughter and a little bit more medicine
Speaker 9: for the end of the year. And I was wrapping
Speaker 9: things up, but I thought, maybe let me do a
Speaker 9: couple more.
Speaker 3: So I'm adding three more dates in addition to my
Speaker 3: Vegas residency.
Speaker 1: I'm doing Westhampton Beach August twenty first, I'm headlining the
Speaker 1: Rochester Fringe Comedy Festival September thirteenth, and I will be
Speaker 1: in NAPA on October third.
Speaker 3: So those will be my.
Speaker 4: Last dates of the year.
Speaker 5: Do you want advice from Chelsea right into Dear Chelsea
Speaker 5: podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of
Speaker 5: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at dear Chelsea. Dear
Speaker 5: Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer
Speaker 5: Katherine Law And be sure to check out our merch
Speaker 5: at Chelseahandler dot com