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Speaker 1: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or

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Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of help, please contact

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Speaker 1: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine eight eight.

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Speaker 1: Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 2: I slept through an early morning text for my mom,

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Speaker 2: and when I wake up and check my phone, I

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Speaker 2: find her message. Your grandmother passed away this morning around

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Speaker 2: three am. I call my mom immediately. My grandma, who's

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Speaker 2: ninety four, hasn't been in good health for a while now.

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Speaker 2: We were close, but as her health declined, our monthly

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Speaker 2: phone calls tapered off, and whenever I'd visit, we'd often

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Speaker 2: just sit together in silence. But this news still comes

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Speaker 2: as a shock to me. The funeral is set forward

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Speaker 2: two and a half weeks from now. As I think

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Speaker 2: about the trip home, my stomach tightens into a knot.

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Speaker 2: Everyone in my family will be at the funeral, including

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Speaker 2: my cousin Vivian. Years ago, when she walked out of

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Speaker 2: that car after coming out to me, we stopped talking.

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Speaker 2: I have no idea where she's at today. I don't

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Speaker 2: even know what city she lives in, and there's a

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Speaker 2: version of the funeral where I could show up and

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Speaker 2: greet her politely and then never talk to her again,

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Speaker 2: continuing the streak. But I think about Alana and there's

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Speaker 2: absolutely no way that I can let that happen. A

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Speaker 2: friend suggests I write to Vivian before the funeral. She

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Speaker 2: could read my message or ignore it, but it would

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Speaker 2: still give her an opportunity to know what's on my heart.

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Speaker 2: So over the course of a few days, I draft

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Speaker 2: this email. Dear Vivian, I know it's been a while

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Speaker 2: since we've spoken. You may not have any interest to

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Speaker 2: hear from me, which I totally understand, but I hope

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Speaker 2: you'll give me a chance, as it contains a lot

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Speaker 2: of things that I've been afraid to tell you and

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Speaker 2: which I think you deserve to hear first. I'm gay.

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Speaker 2: It's taken me the last twenty years to come to

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Speaker 2: terms with this, the first fifteen of which were spent

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Speaker 2: running away by seeking desperately to get rid of it.

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Speaker 2: Everything I told you that time in the car about

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Speaker 2: finding counseling for your sexuality, I pursued myself. I thought

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Speaker 2: that by working hard enough God would take this away.

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Speaker 2: It didn't happen, and I'm still working through the shame

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Speaker 2: and self hatred these efforts perpetuated. I'm sad that at

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Speaker 2: a young age we both had to suffer in isolation. Second,

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not having the courage to

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Speaker 2: be honest about my own struggle. I'm sorry for the

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Speaker 2: ways my words alienated you and made you feel so

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Speaker 2: alone and misunderstood. I'm sorry for trying to change you.

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry for my pride that kept me from saying

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Speaker 2: any of these things earlier. And I understand if they're

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Speaker 2: all too little, too late. You know, I've often thought

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Speaker 2: about how much courage it took for you to come

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Speaker 2: out at the age and time you did. I certainly

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Speaker 2: didn't have this courage, and at one point I thought

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Speaker 2: you were making a big mistake or moral concession. It's

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Speaker 2: been humbling to recognize how wrong I was, and so

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Speaker 2: I ask for your forgiveness. We may never be as

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Speaker 2: close as when we were kids, but I hope at

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Speaker 2: some point we could restart things. I'm always curious what

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Speaker 2: you're up to. Hope this doesn't make everything more awkward

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Speaker 2: next week, looking forward to seeing you from Tenderfoot TV.

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Speaker 2: I'm Simon kent Fung, and this is Dear Alana. Part eight.

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Speaker 2: The Saint. It's been over two years since Alana's death,

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Speaker 2: and on a Sunday afternoon, a group of around thirty

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Speaker 2: people holding red roses is gathered in front of Saint

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Speaker 2: Thom's Alana's church. Joyce stands at the front of the group,

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Speaker 2: next to a smiling portrait of Alana. They're here today

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Speaker 2: to conduct a peaceful vigil, a demonstration of sorts in

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Speaker 2: memory of Alana. This was Joyce's idea.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, singing, singing for us.

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Speaker 2: The crowd is a mix of Joyce's friends and family,

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Speaker 2: supporters from out Boulder County, the LGBTQ organization that helped

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Speaker 2: organize the event, and other locals who've joined the vigil.

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Speaker 2: It's the first time that Joyce has done anything this public,

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Speaker 2: and although the turnout is small, it's enough to bring

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Speaker 2: out the local news who asked Joyce to talk about

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Speaker 2: why she's here.

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Speaker 3: I just wanted to let them know we know, and

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Speaker 3: you know that if other people come up to us,

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Speaker 3: it's students. It's usually young people, ca students. I want

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Speaker 3: them to know that this is wrong. You can love

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Speaker 3: God and be any religion. If you're LGBTQ or anybody,

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Speaker 3: that this is a bad teaching force someone to die

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Speaker 3: by suicide.

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Speaker 2: Joyce is hopeful that she'll be able to speak to

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Speaker 2: students as they show up for the six pm Mass,

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Speaker 2: but the vigil is largely ignored, except for a middle

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Speaker 2: aged member of Saint Tom's who watches from the door

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Speaker 2: with his arms crossed. Students brush by Joyce without saying

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Speaker 2: a word, and only one person stops to talk, sharing

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Speaker 2: the recent loss of her own brother to suicide. As

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Speaker 2: the vigil concludes with a few more songs and the

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Speaker 2: loss of Joyce's friends have gone home, the man who's

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Speaker 2: been watching from the top of the stairs picks up

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Speaker 2: the roses left from the vigil and throws them in

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Speaker 2: the garbage. I knew at some point I'd be right here,

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Speaker 2: standing inside Saint Tom's with the goal of talking to

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Speaker 2: Father Peter. The sunlight filtered through the small windows along

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Speaker 2: the side aisles, making the church extra cozy. I take

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Speaker 2: a seat at the back as the pews fill up

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Speaker 2: with students. They're all nodding along to Father Peter, who's

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Speaker 2: reflecting on the Gospel reading where Jesus brings over a

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Speaker 2: child and tells his apostles that whoever wishes to be greatest,

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Speaker 2: must be the least, the first, must be the last.

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Speaker 2: I'm kind of mesmerized listening to him. He's goofy and

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Speaker 2: self deprecating and personal. He talks about how we need

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Speaker 2: wisdom to encounter each other truthfully. He builds to a

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Speaker 2: passionate crescendo, saying, I want someone to encounter me like

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Speaker 2: Jesus does. Not their idea of me, not their anger

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Speaker 2: about me. I want someone to encounter me. And I

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Speaker 2: find myself nodding along, but I feel mixed up inside.

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Speaker 2: This hipster priest who seems to be doing such great

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Speaker 2: work for the church in the community, who's doing exactly

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Speaker 2: what I've always wished I was doing with my life.

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Speaker 2: This is the same guy whose church, according to the

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Speaker 2: Denver Post, hosted Alana's Catholic therapist, the therapist who Alana

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Speaker 2: said made things worse. It was Father Peter who insisted

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Speaker 2: that Alana applied to the Living Waters program that claims

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Speaker 2: to heal the sexually and relationally broken, the one she

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Speaker 2: couldn't afford. It was under Father Peter's watch that those

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Speaker 2: books filled with conversion therapy theories were stocked in the

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Speaker 2: Saint Thom's library and yet I know that at some

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Speaker 2: level he's simply doing his job, and I'm beginning to

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Speaker 2: see how messed up that actually is. I reached out

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Speaker 2: to former staff and students at Saint Thom's. Of the

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Speaker 2: ones who agreed to talk, they said that after Alana died,

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Speaker 2: there was a deafening silence. They don't recall anything officially

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Speaker 2: organized by Saint Thom's to acknowledge Alana's passing, but the

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Speaker 2: parish did make a public statement.

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Speaker 4: Now, he did reach out to the Saint Thomas Aquinas

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Speaker 4: Church in Boulder, the church chen attendant. They released the

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Speaker 4: following statement, reading, in part, she will be greatly missed.

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Speaker 4: Striving to be a community who welcomes anyone and everyone,

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Speaker 4: as Jesus did, we reject any practices that are manipulative

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Speaker 4: and forced. We believe that every person is a beloved

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Speaker 4: child of God and should be treated with dignity, mercy,

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Speaker 4: and reverence.

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Speaker 2: As I listened to this statement from Saint Thom's, I'm

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Speaker 2: feeling frustrated. It strikes me as an empty thoughts and

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Speaker 2: prayers kind of statement, and its denial of practices that

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Speaker 2: are manipulative and coerced seems like a semantic cover. The

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Speaker 2: controversy over the role of the church in Alana's death

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Speaker 2: spreads locally, and the Archdiocese of Denver spokesperson doubles down

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Speaker 2: with a stronger statement. In an interview with the Denver Post,

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Speaker 2: he says, quote, never once was conversion therapy practiced. It

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Speaker 2: was never discussed with her or suggested to her. It's

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Speaker 2: not something we do.

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Speaker 5: In a statement from the archdiocese, they say if someone

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Speaker 5: wants to better understand the church's teaching on marriage and

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Speaker 5: sexual relations, that they lovingly try to share with them

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Speaker 5: what Catholics believe is God's design for sexuality. They say, quote,

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Speaker 5: it is not conversion therapy to teach about the beauty

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Speaker 5: of a life of chastity.

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Speaker 2: Now, normally I would rush to defend the church from

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Speaker 2: unfair media attacks. I once wrote a letter to the

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Speaker 2: editor defending the church's moral authority in the face of relativism.

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Speaker 2: But I just don't know what to make of these

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Speaker 2: official statements. They feel heartbreakingly dishonest. Never once was conversion

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Speaker 2: therapy practiced. From the pages and pages of Alana's own

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Speaker 2: words to the therapists and church ministries, Alana sought out

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Speaker 2: over the years that taught her to view her sexuality

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Speaker 2: as a pathology that needed to be repaired. I don't

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Speaker 2: know how this denial makes any sense. Alana, like me,

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Speaker 2: sought out these therapies and ministries precisely to follow the church.

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Speaker 2: We took the advice of our spiritual mentors, pursuing all

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Speaker 2: of the resources they directed us to. How can they

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Speaker 2: say that none of this ever happened. After Mass, I

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Speaker 2: wait in the pews, and as the church clears out,

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Speaker 2: I knock on the door of the priest change room.

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Speaker 2: Father Peter answers, surprised, and I introduce myself. He's cordial,

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Speaker 2: but Kurt, he makes it clear that he's not willing

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Speaker 2: to talk about Alana. She was a beloved member of

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Speaker 2: this community, he says, adding my previous public statement is

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Speaker 2: so deeply true, I cannot add any more. Father Peter

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Speaker 2: and I have mutual friends, and I learned from them

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Speaker 2: that after Alana's death, the church building was vandalized. So

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Speaker 2: I understand his weariness, but I'm still disappointed. Joyce tells

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Speaker 2: me that to this day, Father Peter has not reached

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Speaker 2: out to her family. I ask her about the other priest,

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Speaker 2: Alana's spiritual director. Father Dave.

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Speaker 3: Oh, he has a blog that's really sick. He has

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Speaker 3: a picture of Alana in Rwanda because she did a

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Speaker 3: trip with him in this group, and he says her

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Speaker 3: new age mother is the one that wouldn't let her

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Speaker 3: go to church, and that's why this happened.

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Speaker 2: I look up the blog posts she's referring to. They

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Speaker 2: were written after Alana's passing. Father. Dave is pretty defensive,

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Speaker 2: posting the letter that Alana wrote advocating for him while

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Speaker 2: he was being moved around. He alleges that quote Alana's

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Speaker 2: friends would all say today that the closer she was

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Speaker 2: to the Catholic Church, the better was her mental health

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Speaker 2: end quote. But according to Joy, Alana's oldest friend, this

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Speaker 2: is patently false and it contradicts Alana's own statement to

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Speaker 2: the Denver Post. I think the.

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Speaker 6: Church's council is what led me to be hospitalized. I

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Speaker 6: was feeling so much shame that I was comforted by

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Speaker 6: the thought of hurting myself.

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Speaker 2: He continues, quote Alana was never abandoned by her Catholic

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Speaker 2: clergy and religious sisters, but rather she was abruptly cut

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Speaker 2: off from the lifeline she chose for herself and loved

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Speaker 2: the Catholic Church by the interventions of her own mother. Wow,

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Speaker 2: he's shifting the blame omitting key details about Alana's life.

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Speaker 2: But we know the truth from Milana's own words.

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Speaker 6: When I went to treatment, Rachel, father Peter, Father Dave,

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Speaker 6: and the sisters were the only ones that I trusted.

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Speaker 6: They were the only ones that stayed by my side.

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Speaker 2: But as I.

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Speaker 6: Became more true to myself, I guess they didn't see

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Speaker 6: the need to mentor me. I feel misled and abandoned.

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Speaker 2: We know that it was Alana's own choice to step

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Speaker 2: away from the church in order to protect her mental health.

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Speaker 2: We even have that publicly on the record. Father Dave's

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Speaker 2: opinion seems woefully uninformed by Alana's own words, but shouldn't

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Speaker 2: he know better. In their last text exchange two years

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Speaker 2: before her death, when he warned her about speaking against

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Speaker 2: the church, Alana told.

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Speaker 6: Him, I don't speak against the church because I have pride.

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Speaker 6: I speak against the church because I have real and

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Speaker 6: deep pain. I'm distancing myself from the church right now

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Speaker 6: because I don't feel safe, or loved or accepted.

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Speaker 2: Father Dave may not have realized that one day their

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Speaker 2: texts would be uncovered and directly contradict his public statements.

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Speaker 2: Looking at his blog now, it strikes me what great

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Speaker 2: lengths he's going to to define the narrative around Alana's death.

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Speaker 2: Unlike Father Peter, who stayed out of the public eye,

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Speaker 2: Father Dave has gone out of his way to try

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Speaker 2: to make himself look better by again pitting Alana against

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Speaker 2: her own mother. I reached out to Father Dave for comment,

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Speaker 2: but he didn't respond. I can see now why all

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Speaker 2: of this has been so maddening for Joyce. The furtive

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Speaker 2: denials from Saint Thom's, the brazen blaming by Father Dave,

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Speaker 2: all of this on top of the unspeakable grief of

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Speaker 2: losing her daughter. It all feels so unjust, and I

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Speaker 2: wish I could help Joyce find some sort of closure.

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Speaker 2: But how do you hold a person, or, better yet,

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Speaker 2: an institution accountable in the situation, an institution that so

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Speaker 2: many of us, like Joyce did, have willingly entrusted our

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Speaker 2: families to. What do you say to religious leaders who

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Speaker 2: operate in this self regulated space, whose words and actions

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Speaker 2: behind closed doors in private texts often fall in this

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Speaker 2: gray area between spirituality and mental health. Who is responsible

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Speaker 2: when something goes wrong. It's almost as if by design

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Speaker 2: no one is the church can stay in its own

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Speaker 2: protected spiritual lane and claim that it leaves the mental

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Speaker 2: health to the therapists. But what if the line between

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Speaker 2: religious practice and mental health is a lot more worry

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Speaker 2: than that? Theology can have real consequences on how we

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Speaker 2: see ourselves? Are we ready for that conversation? I get

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Speaker 2: in the car and start driving, my head spinning processing

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Speaker 2: all of this, I see the rushing water of the

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Speaker 2: Boulder Creek and decide to pull over. Alana would often

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Speaker 2: hammock here with me and their friends, and I feel

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Speaker 2: comforted knowing she was here. I begin to think about

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Speaker 2: the years after I stopped trying to change my sexual orientation.

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Speaker 2: Day after day I lived in a kind of quiet shame.

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Speaker 2: No one inside or outside the church understood what it

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Speaker 2: was like to fail the spectacularly, so I wanted to

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Speaker 2: become invisible. My vocation was shot. I'd let everyone down, God,

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Speaker 2: the Church, myself, And the reason was that I thought

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Speaker 2: I was simply too broken to be healed, too disordered,

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Speaker 2: a lost cause. But what drove me closest to despair,

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Speaker 2: the kind that Alana often writes about, was not the failure,

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Speaker 2: or even the sense of brokenness. I could find a

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Speaker 2: way to live with that. What I couldn't live with

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Speaker 2: was the thought that God, my father, my only friend,

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Speaker 2: had somehow forgotten me, that I had been abandoned by him,

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Speaker 2: cast aside, without a place in his kingdom. I was

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Speaker 2: back in the schoolyard, all alone, back in the swimming pool,

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Speaker 2: left to drown. Today, however, fresh from hearing about the

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Speaker 2: church's public handling of Allana's death, it's not despair that

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Speaker 2: I feel. It's anger. There's just no excuse for the

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Speaker 2: way they've treated Joyce and her family. The pious dismissals,

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Speaker 2: the sanctimonious pr the public blaming, the abandonment cuts so

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Speaker 2: deep I strip down and wade into the creek. I

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Speaker 2: feel my chest tighten and my pulse race, and I

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Speaker 2: look up at the cloudless sky. I just want to say,

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Speaker 2: fuck you, Fuck you for all of this, for all

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Speaker 2: the trust I placed in you and your church, that

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Speaker 2: same church that now denies doing the very things it

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Speaker 2: told us would save us, would heal us. I'm done

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Speaker 2: defending you. I'm done with your platitudes like how good

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Speaker 2: things come to those who are patient, or how suffering

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Speaker 2: purifies the soul for your love. If inflicting suffering is

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Speaker 2: how you make your people love you, that's a fucked

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Speaker 2: up way of loving someone. I plunge into the creek,

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Speaker 2: letting the cold, rushing water return me to my body,

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Speaker 2: push me along the rocks, and engulf me before I

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00:17:54,080 --> 00:18:11,960
Speaker 2: come up for air. As I travel back home, I'm

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Speaker 2: anxious about seeing my cousin Vivian at the funeral. I

289
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,199
Speaker 2: don't know how it'll go, and I start to regret

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00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:21,400
Speaker 2: ever sending her that email. The way things were before

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00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:26,600
Speaker 2: the status quo suddenly feels safer. At my parents' house

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Speaker 2: this afternoon, I'm lingering with my dad at the kitchen table.

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Speaker 2: We're talking about all sorts of things, my time in Colorado,

294
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Speaker 2: the egregious San Francisco rent and when the conversation takes

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Speaker 2: on a more reflective tone about our family, I ask

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Speaker 2: him if I can turn on the mic. My dad,

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Speaker 2: who's a shy and private person, agrees. He's in the

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Speaker 2: middle of telling me about his own dad.

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Speaker 7: I remember he worked really hard, my dad, because he

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Speaker 7: worked for those departments store. And when we eat this,

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Speaker 7: you know he's not always to you, not to be

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Speaker 7: with us with dating diners.

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Speaker 2: My dad grew up in a time when his dad

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Speaker 2: taught him how to ride a bike by dropping him

305
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Speaker 2: off at the park to figure it out himself. So

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Speaker 2: when it came time for my dad to teach me,

307
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Speaker 2: he put in a little more effort, but not as

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Speaker 2: much as he would have liked. Ever since our time

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Speaker 2: in therapy together, the topic of bonding has often come

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Speaker 2: up between us. I ask him what he remembers from

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Speaker 2: those years I was in conversion therapy.

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Speaker 7: When you told me there's one thing why I am

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Speaker 7: being gay. One of the reasons that you found was

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Speaker 7: because the parent of father, especially father's you know, I'm

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Speaker 7: short temper, I'm angry and things like that. You miss

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Speaker 7: the father's figure and so as a result to become gay.

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Speaker 8: How did that make you feel?

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Speaker 7: It make me feel a little bit. I feel hurt, No,

319
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Speaker 7: not really hurt, but unhappy right, and I'm not happy

320
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Speaker 7: about that. But I want to amend That's the thing.

321
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Speaker 7: If that is something I did wrong, I want to

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Speaker 7: amend that relationship. Yeah, I was looking for a solution.

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Speaker 8: What what did you think would be a solution.

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Speaker 7: I think at that time, mainly the main solution would

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Speaker 7: be I want to create a father figure to you.

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Speaker 7: I remember saying Mary. In my Greate church, there's a

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Speaker 7: statueh Joseph and holding Jesus. I remember pray quite a

328
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Speaker 7: number of times for that.

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Speaker 8: And I mean I thought that too, right, I mean

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Speaker 8: I think I was giving you a lot of this information.

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Speaker 7: Right right, mm hmm. You work very hard trying to change,

332
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Speaker 7: trying to overcome. That's the kind of thing that I

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Speaker 7: really I can sense you know how hard you work

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Speaker 7: on this, and I feel kind of helpless. You know

335
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Speaker 7: what we can do at this end, you know, kind

336
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Speaker 7: of helpless.

337
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Speaker 8: Did you think that I would eventually achieve the outcome.

338
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Speaker 7: Of no longer no longer being gay? No, I wouldn't

339
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:47,160
Speaker 7: say eventually you achieve your goal, because I really think

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Speaker 7: that there is something you're born with it.

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Speaker 9: M hmm.

342
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Speaker 7: Yeah, we thought that. I thought that. I thought that. Yeah,

343
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Speaker 7: I thought that.

344
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Speaker 8: Yeah, because we never talked about this, I don't know.

345
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Speaker 7: No, we didn't learn him talk about about this, that's right.

346
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Speaker 8: But like there was a point when you were thinking, oh,

347
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Speaker 8: maybe this is not gonna work, but I still felt

348
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,560
Speaker 8: like I still want to try.

349
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Speaker 7: Me But you never told me that you thought that, right,

350
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Speaker 7: why not. I didn't want to destroy your whole. Eventually,

351
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Speaker 7: I think me and Mom I feel that we already

352
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:39,080
Speaker 7: accept yeah, this is this is it, this is you.

353
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Speaker 7: You know that is and especially to me, I I

354
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Speaker 7: start to to learn more, explore more, and read more,

355
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Speaker 7: especially that really recently, you know pub Benedict when it

356
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:03,800
Speaker 7: was cardinal, he said that being gay is intrinsically diseased

357
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Speaker 7: or something disorder. Yeah, that's right, right, and that tripped

358
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Speaker 7: me is kind of oh no, you know so in

359
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 7: such a way that totally wrong. How could you know

360
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Speaker 7: somebody say something and still being to me just damning

361
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Speaker 7: the you know, gay people, so that I totally not

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Speaker 7: not agree with. I was still in a in a

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Speaker 7: mode of my previous how I understand religion? M oh oh,

364
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:50,960
Speaker 7: I need just to pray, pray and pray. Oh, one

365
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:56,000
Speaker 7: day some would change. But as time moves on, I

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Speaker 7: learned more that I have different concepts religion and how

367
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 7: we live our religious life. Pray, yeah, pray. It's not

368
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Speaker 7: just words. You're not by words. No, I had to

369
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Speaker 7: do something else, you know, that's just praying.

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Speaker 2: No, all those years I was in conversion therapy, my

371
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Speaker 2: dad wasn't just praying he was busy doing something else changing.

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Speaker 3: I would like to leave my everybody have forward to

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Speaker 3: say in five of the b and waiting for us

374
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Speaker 3: to cross the casket, and then.

375
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Speaker 7: We will move out a cascade to the culture.

376
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Speaker 2: I met my grandmother's funeral early with my parents, and

377
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:49,240
Speaker 2: I stare down at my grandma's eyelashes. Her glasses are smudged,

378
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,679
Speaker 2: so I wipe them clean with the crumpled tissue in

379
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 2: my pocket. Suddenly everyone starts to arrive, my sister, my

380
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 2: brother in law, my nephews, and then my cousin, Vivian.

381
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 2: She greets my parents and then walks over to me,

382
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 2: looks me directly in the eye, and gives me a

383
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:14,359
Speaker 2: big hug. Let's talk later. She says, the service is brief,

384
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,359
Speaker 2: and our families take turns bowing to my grandmother a

385
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Speaker 2: final gesture of respect. After the burial, at the reception luncheon,

386
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:25,920
Speaker 2: Vivian and I are seated next to each other. She'd

387
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 2: read my letter and she wants me to know that

388
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:32,119
Speaker 2: she accepts my apology, that this was all she ever wanted.

389
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,919
Speaker 2: We catch up about what we've each been up to

390
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,399
Speaker 2: over the past decade, mostly ignoring everyone else at the table.

391
00:25:39,119 --> 00:25:42,000
Speaker 2: As the meal ends, she wants to continue the conversation,

392
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Speaker 2: and days later, Vivian invites me to her house, where

393
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,359
Speaker 2: I'm sitting at her kitchen table in total disbelief that

394
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,120
Speaker 2: we're having this heart to heart. Tell me about because

395
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:54,360
Speaker 2: you'd mentioned before we start recording, like you had read

396
00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 2: my letter and how that made you feel? Like, what

397
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:57,880
Speaker 2: was it like reading it?

398
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 10: No, not expecting anything. My sister had actually asked me,

399
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,879
Speaker 10: She's like, how are you gonna act at the funeral?

400
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:09,480
Speaker 11: Like are you gonna?

401
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:11,840
Speaker 10: And I was like, I'm a normal adult human. I

402
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,080
Speaker 10: will be courteous. It's not about me, like, it'll be

403
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 10: perfectly fine. So when I got your your email, it

404
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:25,359
Speaker 10: was a Sunday evening and I was reading it, and

405
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,879
Speaker 10: I thought to myself, this must have taken him so

406
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:33,439
Speaker 10: long to write. To be able to own up and

407
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,600
Speaker 10: say like I was wrong is already a very difficult thing.

408
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 10: When it's inane. You think about like arguments with siblings,

409
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,800
Speaker 10: like the stupidest, tiniest little things, and being able to

410
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 10: say like I was wrong, I am wrong. These are

411
00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 10: tremendously infrequently sequenced words. So I think, for me, I know,

412
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:59,239
Speaker 10: and I understood right away how much it would have

413
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,600
Speaker 10: taken to get to the point, and as I made

414
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:05,440
Speaker 10: my way through it, it just made me so sad.

415
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,440
Speaker 10: Like I was very saddened at some of the things

416
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 10: that you shared around your journey around how it wasn't

417
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,600
Speaker 10: just about acceptance but rather trying to see if there

418
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:20,440
Speaker 10: were other ways of changing who you were. You had

419
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 10: spent all this time and ergo money on trying to

420
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 10: change who you were. It just made me really sad

421
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 10: that you spent so many years struggling through that alone.

422
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:36,879
Speaker 2: Vivian recalls what it was like as kids.

423
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,280
Speaker 10: I just remember like you were like the older brother

424
00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 10: that like I didn't have, right you had like that

425
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:48,359
Speaker 10: that huge room and like all your CDs. You know,

426
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 10: it was just it just had hurt so much because

427
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,720
Speaker 10: it was like we grew up as kids, Like what

428
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,119
Speaker 10: changed all of a sudden that we were no longer

429
00:27:57,160 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 10: these kids that played together and enjoyed hanging out together

430
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:05,200
Speaker 10: and running around. That this got in the way of everything,

431
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 10: you know what I mean.

432
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,439
Speaker 2: So, yeah, she tells me about why she's chosen to

433
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,240
Speaker 2: talk to me again.

434
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,080
Speaker 10: By the time I had finished reading your note, like

435
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 10: there was no question in my mind that that was

436
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 10: how I was going to respond. It was like I

437
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,239
Speaker 10: had read it, and I was like, I accept it,

438
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:25,199
Speaker 10: like no questions asked, like no, like no conditions, Like

439
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:28,679
Speaker 10: we've been apart for so long that like I have

440
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:33,920
Speaker 10: no interest in continuing this. So I was just really

441
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:38,880
Speaker 10: thankful that, like, you know, and very appreciative that you

442
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,280
Speaker 10: admitted that, yeah.

443
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:40,920
Speaker 7: You were wrong.

444
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,960
Speaker 2: As we talk, I still feel ashamed for the ways

445
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 2: I chose self preservation over supporting her all those years ago,

446
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 2: and I tell her about how for so long I've

447
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,680
Speaker 2: thought of myself as a hypocrite, but not the dishonest kind,

448
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,640
Speaker 2: the kind of hypocrite who genuinely believed what he was doing.

449
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,320
Speaker 10: For the record, I don't think hypocrite is the correct word,

450
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:06,000
Speaker 10: because I agree with you. I think that you genuinely

451
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 10: believe what you were saying at the time. Yeah, and

452
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 10: even reading your note, I didn't think of you as

453
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 10: being hypocritical. I think it was deeply seated insecurities around oneself,

454
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:23,320
Speaker 10: trying to figure out who you were, internalized homophobia and

455
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:30,240
Speaker 10: like just you know, dealing with a lot of self discovery.

456
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 10: But truthfully, like we're part of the same community and

457
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 10: it's an incredibly lonely journey to kind of get to

458
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 10: this point, especially like I know it's different for everyone,

459
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 10: and you can't just turn to everyone and be like

460
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,200
Speaker 10: accept yourself, Like, there's so many things that go into it.

461
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:54,040
Speaker 10: I know that sexuality is a huge part of one's

462
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 10: identity and for people to be able to live out

463
00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 10: and open is very important, but there's many other aspects

464
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 10: to who you are and even accepting who you are

465
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 10: on many levels sexuality aside. It takes a lot and

466
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,320
Speaker 10: it's a journey to get there.

467
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,960
Speaker 7: How do you feel today?

468
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 2: I mean, there's the immediate impact of like this week,

469
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:23,440
Speaker 2: and I feel extremely relieved and lighter and happier. And

470
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:27,080
Speaker 2: I don't feel like I have to pretend to be

471
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 2: someone else in front of you in order to represent

472
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,760
Speaker 2: some ideal that you know, I'm still struggling to live

473
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 2: up to. Like it just doesn't that pressure is no

474
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 2: longer there. I feel like it's a more authentic. I'm

475
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:44,320
Speaker 2: more authentic in my relationships and you know, even in

476
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,400
Speaker 2: our conversation, like I'm not there's no agenda, Like I'm

477
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:50,200
Speaker 2: not trying to get you to believe anything else or whatever.

478
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,840
Speaker 10: Right, Yeah, get me to not be gay, get me

479
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:57,280
Speaker 10: to be gay, pick away. She closes with this, Listen,

480
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 10: I'm always here like you like really like I I

481
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:06,520
Speaker 10: don't want it to be like okay, like we got

482
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 10: to do this like soft ramp up period. If you're

483
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 10: just like Nope'm gonna hit you with a question or

484
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 10: like gotta like can we talk like I'm totally down

485
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:13,640
Speaker 10: for it.

486
00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 7: I just we've lost enough time.

487
00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 9: Thank you. Yeah.

488
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:23,600
Speaker 2: I never thought this could happen. All these years of

489
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 2: separation and hurt, our families torn apart, but now a

490
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 2: new chance to reconnect, to restart, to rebuild. It's kind

491
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 2: of a miracle. And I couldn't have started down this

492
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:55,840
Speaker 2: road to reconciliation were it not for Alana. I make

493
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 2: my way back to Colorado. It's a windy day and

494
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,440
Speaker 2: I'm at Cup for a good old fashioned Alumni versus

495
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 2: Student Ultimate frisbee game. But this isn't just a regular match.

496
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:10,600
Speaker 2: It's a memorial game for Alana. In the past few years,

497
00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:14,200
Speaker 2: Alana's childhood friends have organized all sorts of things, from

498
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 2: a trail run around Davidson Mesa known as Run for Alana,

499
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:21,440
Speaker 2: to an annual USA Ultimate tournament known as the Elana.

500
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,720
Speaker 2: Alana's friends remember her infectious encouragement, and it's great to

501
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,480
Speaker 2: see a whole new generation of players learn about her.

502
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 2: But there's also a sadness that maybe after this next

503
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 2: cohort graduates, so too, might Alana's memory fade.

504
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,520
Speaker 3: Thank you all for doing this. This means so much

505
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 3: to our family and friends Alana. This was like one

506
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 3: of the best parts of Alana's pretty.

507
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 12: Much her life.

508
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:54,320
Speaker 6: Yeah, should we do like a like a big like

509
00:32:54,400 --> 00:33:00,640
Speaker 6: ass paddle like I don't know really myself.

510
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 9: I believe in myself.

511
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 11: I believe in myself.

512
00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:10,680
Speaker 2: I believe this tea I myself.

513
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 9: Why why.

514
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:27,239
Speaker 2: That night I check in with Joyce. Even with all

515
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 2: that's happening in memory of Alana, she's still filled with

516
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 2: so much regret.

517
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:34,840
Speaker 12: I have one friend say to me, if you knew

518
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:37,680
Speaker 12: what you know now, you would have done everything that week,

519
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,080
Speaker 12: wouldn't you have? And I'm like, yeah, but it doesn't

520
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,360
Speaker 12: help because I shouldn't known like I should have known

521
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:51,440
Speaker 12: like suicide series, my cousin died by suicide. Yes, I

522
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,080
Speaker 12: look at her face and I'm excited.

523
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:58,880
Speaker 9: I can't think of her not being here. It's too.

524
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:05,000
Speaker 2: Joyce's grief has not let up. She still texts me

525
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,440
Speaker 2: in the middle of the night, but I'm starting to

526
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:10,799
Speaker 2: see small glimmers of change in her. She's speaking out

527
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 2: more publicly about Alana's life and legacy and hopes that

528
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:16,960
Speaker 2: just one person can learn from it, that it might

529
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 2: inspire some change. Sometimes I don't know if our friendship

530
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 2: is too triggering for her, an unwelcome reminder of her loss.

531
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,160
Speaker 2: We wouldn't have met if not for Alana's death. But

532
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 2: Joyce tells me that she sees so much good in

533
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:34,359
Speaker 2: the podcast that she senses Alana's hand in it, and

534
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 2: that maybe I'm being changed and healed by making it.

535
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:41,920
Speaker 2: I feel my heart squeeze, and I hold back my

536
00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:45,719
Speaker 2: emotions as I say goodbye to her for the night.

537
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,040
Speaker 2: I step outside and breathe in the late summer air.

538
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:54,879
Speaker 2: It smells like honeysuckle, and the stars are out. It's

539
00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:58,360
Speaker 2: been nearly three years since I've learned of Alana, and

540
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 2: the ways in which her life have twined with mine

541
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:05,000
Speaker 2: haven't been lost on me. Who could have imagined that

542
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:08,760
Speaker 2: I'd be here in Colorado reading her most intimate thoughts,

543
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:13,399
Speaker 2: retracing her life, and revisiting the most shameful parts of

544
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:19,320
Speaker 2: my own. Lately, my prayers to God have been angry

545
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 2: and bitter, and often I don't even bother talking to him.

546
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:28,680
Speaker 2: But tonight I'm inspired to pray to someone who I

547
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:38,920
Speaker 2: know will understand. Dear Alana, I don't know what to say.

548
00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:42,160
Speaker 2: I don't know why you did this, why you left,

549
00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 2: why any of this happened. But I know that because

550
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:51,880
Speaker 2: of you, nothing is the same. I can look ahead

551
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:55,920
Speaker 2: and start to let go, let go of all the

552
00:35:56,120 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 2: hate towards myself, let go of the shame. Why because

553
00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 2: I can see how bright you were, how deeply you

554
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 2: loved and gave and trusted. So I can look at

555
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:17,400
Speaker 2: myself and begin to believe that maybe I'm not the

556
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 2: damaged person I thought I was, and that God hasn't

557
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:28,440
Speaker 2: answered my prayers because he can't heal what isn't broken.

558
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 7: The playing to right up against the fence behind us.

559
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,120
Speaker 2: Okay, I need you guys to evacuate the arey.

560
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:51,399
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm getting rid of Baig, but I can't get

561
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 3: my animal.

562
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:52,560
Speaker 11: With them with me.

563
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:55,640
Speaker 10: Nass evacuations in suburban Demo.

564
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,919
Speaker 4: Fire broke out south of Bulger just after eleven this morning.

565
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 2: And Louisville residents racing home from work to save their

566
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,040
Speaker 2: pets and keepsakes.

567
00:37:05,520 --> 00:37:08,319
Speaker 8: I don't know where to go out towards Denver.

568
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 9: Evacuate now.

569
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:15,080
Speaker 2: On December thirtieth, twenty twenty one, I get a text

570
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:18,959
Speaker 2: from Joyce. A wildfire broke out in Boulder and high

571
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 2: winds are spreading it rapidly throughout the area. The Chen's

572
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:24,840
Speaker 2: family house is located smack in the middle of the

573
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:28,279
Speaker 2: fire's path, and over thirty seven thousand residents have to

574
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:33,799
Speaker 2: evacuate the area immediately. Sophia Alana's younger sister rushes home

575
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:34,800
Speaker 2: to grab her stuff.

576
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:37,960
Speaker 11: And we're driving up to her house that we can

577
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 11: barely see, and the whole front lawns on fire. And

578
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 11: I run out the car with dust like hitting me

579
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:50,080
Speaker 11: in the face and all these smoke and ash, and

580
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,360
Speaker 11: I pause on our front steps and just see this

581
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,239
Speaker 11: like fire so close to me. I just looked at

582
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:59,040
Speaker 11: my house. I was like, it looked like I was

583
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:02,200
Speaker 11: in a completely different place, even though I knew I

584
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 11: was at home.

585
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:07,360
Speaker 5: Since then, nearly six hundred homes have been burned.

586
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:10,840
Speaker 8: To think of the many families tonight who have lost everything, walked,

587
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:12,359
Speaker 8: all their belongings, locked their home.

588
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 2: The Chens would lose their house, Alana's childhood home in

589
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,880
Speaker 2: the Marshall fire, the very house that her sister Carrissa

590
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:25,319
Speaker 2: brought me to. It would burn to its foundations, with

591
00:38:25,440 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 2: nothing structural left standing. Sophia, I remembers the emotions from

592
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:30,520
Speaker 2: that day.

593
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:36,560
Speaker 11: I just was really really upset because I was trying

594
00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:40,400
Speaker 11: to cherish those memories of my sister, and I had

595
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:45,399
Speaker 11: all these things of hers, Like when she first died.

596
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,880
Speaker 11: I would rum into their own room and try and

597
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:55,120
Speaker 11: find answers, try and find the writings for her to

598
00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:58,920
Speaker 11: me that like saying that she loves me, like just

599
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:04,319
Speaker 11: writing about me. I like to hear that selfishly. But yeah,

600
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,280
Speaker 11: it was we wanted to keep her room to remember,

601
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:11,720
Speaker 11: and it was like another thing was just taken away.

602
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:18,720
Speaker 11: What was left of her was just completely stripped away.

603
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:22,440
Speaker 2: It's almost too much loss to bear her sister. And

604
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 2: now this the room they preserve to remember Alana, with

605
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,919
Speaker 2: her clothes and artwork and books, was being engulfed by

606
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:34,600
Speaker 2: uncontrollable flames, and Sophia had precisely one minute to find

607
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:35,600
Speaker 2: something from it to save.

608
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,760
Speaker 11: But I ran up right to my room. I grabbed

609
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:42,200
Speaker 11: a box of the stuff I had taken from college

610
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 11: and some pictures, and then I ran into my sister's

611
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:48,600
Speaker 11: room and I didn't know what to grab because there

612
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:51,400
Speaker 11: were so many things in there, but I grabbed a

613
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:58,279
Speaker 11: poem she had written a little note, and then I

614
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:01,279
Speaker 11: ran out, Do.

615
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,640
Speaker 2: You happen to have the poeme? I do.

616
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:11,600
Speaker 13: Yeah, It's actually quite beautiful because I kind of associate

617
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:15,840
Speaker 13: rainbows a lot with my sister, and I kept saying,

618
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,879
Speaker 13: I was like, I feel like I'm getting signs from

619
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:19,480
Speaker 13: my sister.

620
00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 11: I feel like my sister is sending me double rainbows

621
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:23,560
Speaker 11: for some reason.

622
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,560
Speaker 9: But it goes.

623
00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:32,240
Speaker 11: I am mortally wounded, deeply unstable, but I stand between

624
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:37,160
Speaker 11: the Lord and the shining sun, his promise of mercy,

625
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:41,800
Speaker 11: and the twofold rainbow, the solid ground and the shifting sands,

626
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 11: the holy wind, the dark clouds, the lightning strikes, the thunder, the.

627
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:53,360
Speaker 2: Rain, the grassy plain and the velvet foothills. The sun

628
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 2: shines from far beyond the mountains to well past my house.

629
00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,320
Speaker 2: Surely I will fall tonight, but I will rise again tomorrow.

630
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 2: I am deeply unstable and mortally wounded, yet I stand

631
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:10,440
Speaker 2: between the Lord and his holy covenant. I'm deeply troubled

632
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 2: and completely unstable. But I'm held by his gaze. He

633
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:19,280
Speaker 2: slumbers not now, I wake to the shadows of his face.

634
00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:24,400
Speaker 2: Tomorrow that shadow will fade into a brilliant light, and

635
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:32,439
Speaker 2: the shadow will never return. You've been that brilliant light

636
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:39,080
Speaker 2: for me, Alana, mystically guiding us on this journey. They

637
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:43,680
Speaker 2: were right about you all along. You are a saint.

638
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 9: I will follow you, follow you wherever you might go.

639
00:41:58,880 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 1: There is.

640
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 2: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon

641
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,840
Speaker 2: kent Fung and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in

642
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:12,799
Speaker 2: association with a Slept Audio in the Center for Independent Documentary.

643
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,239
Speaker 2: It was produced by Lori Pulisky and edited by myself

644
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 2: and Laurie. Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay.

645
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 2: Our supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional production by

646
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:30,320
Speaker 2: Matthew Pusti. Original music, written, recorded, and produced by Lori Pulisky.

647
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 2: Additional music by Makeup and Vanity, Set story editing by

648
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:37,440
Speaker 2: Donald Albright and Lauri Polisky, and mixing and mastering by

649
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:41,880
Speaker 2: Cooper Skinner. Sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice actor

650
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,800
Speaker 2: is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will Follow

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Speaker 2: You is by to Loose Yeah.

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00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:48,719
Speaker 11: I remember I added it to my New York playlist

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00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:52,080
Speaker 11: on Spotify because we used to watch Sister Act all

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00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:56,239
Speaker 11: the time as kids and they sing that song like

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00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:59,200
Speaker 11: the choir sings that song, and we.

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00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:01,239
Speaker 9: Used to sing the song. Bye.

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00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:06,799
Speaker 11: Textit to her October seventh, twenty sixteen. Alana, you should

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00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:09,719
Speaker 11: listen to the song I Will Follow You by Toulouse.

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Speaker 2: I love it.

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00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:16,560
Speaker 11: It's so pretty.

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Speaker 9: I will follow you ever since you've touched. Thank you.

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00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 2: Special thanks to Orren Rosenbaum, Shelby Shankman and the team

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00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:33,120
Speaker 2: at UTA, the Nord Group, Sean Gordon and backmedia and marketing.

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Speaker 2: Show notes and resources can be found on our website,

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00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:39,759
Speaker 2: Dearlana dot com. If you enjoyed the show, please take

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00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:42,600
Speaker 2: time to follow it, rate and review. Your feedback is

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00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:47,359
Speaker 2: greatly appreciated. So many people supported me in the two

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00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,040
Speaker 2: year journey of making this show, but I couldn't have

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00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:54,120
Speaker 2: done it without my producer, composer, and friend, Laurie. This

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00:43:54,239 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 2: truly was a labor of love. Thank you to Emily Shaw,

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00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:01,160
Speaker 2: Tracy elits Kaplan and Shannon Minter for your day one support.

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00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,560
Speaker 2: To Bill Glenn, Father, James Allison and Eunice Park for

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00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:08,800
Speaker 2: your mentorship, Jonathan Gaily, Josh and Brooke, Harrison, Lucas and

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00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:12,200
Speaker 2: Avon Fernandez, David and Carrie Clark for hosting me at

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00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:15,840
Speaker 2: your homes, Matt Polus for your studio, SoundSpace and Boulder.

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00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,520
Speaker 2: To my friends Danny and Newton, Christopher Dowling and my

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00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 2: Impact team, and all those who gave feedback along the way.

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00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,480
Speaker 2: Thank you to Donald for believing in this story and

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00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 2: for all the late nights. To my entire family, Mom, Dad, Margaret,

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00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:33,440
Speaker 2: Kevin forgetting me the tape recorder for my birthday, and

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00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:37,799
Speaker 2: of course Vivian. Finally, my deepest gratitude to the Chen

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00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:42,920
Speaker 2: and Calvo family, Carrisa, Sophia, Sammy, Mike, and to Joyce.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for trusting me with Alana story.

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Speaker 9: There is in notion Sudi Monton so high keep me

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Speaker 9: away away from lone