WEBVTT - On Purpose with Jay Shetty 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:02.639 Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:03.720 Should we get right into it? 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:07.800 Sure? I don't see why not. J Sheddy's back. Oh okay, a. 0:00:09.080 --> 0:00:11.639 J Sheddy is here. He's on his first live tour 0:00:11.680 --> 0:00:13.880 with the podcast, The On Purpose Tour. 0:00:14.120 --> 0:00:17.120 And he'll be telling us all about it. Hi. J Sheddy? 0:00:17.560 --> 0:00:18.720 Hello, how are you? 0:00:19.040 --> 0:00:21.160 Top of the morning to you? Where are you? 0:00:21.720 --> 0:00:22.800 I am at home in La. 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.840 Oh, you're always at home in La. Well, you're not 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:27.880 always at home in La, but whenever I see you 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:30.640 on podcasts, which is primarily where I see you, you're 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:31.480 at home in La. 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:34.800 Yes, yes, exactly. How are you are you? Where are you? 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:38.159 I'm in Whistler, Canada, enjoying the very last days of 0:00:38.200 --> 0:00:39.240 ski season. 0:00:39.000 --> 0:00:42.800 Which are Wow, that's amazing. Oh my gosh, that's incredible. 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:45.360 It's my happy place. I wrote about it in my 0:00:45.400 --> 0:00:48.120 book that investing my time and learning how to ski 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:51.559 and buying a place up in Whistler was the best 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:55.080 medicine I could have ever given myself to achieve the 0:00:55.120 --> 0:00:57.560 next level of joyfulness in my life. 0:00:57.640 --> 0:00:58.200 I love that. 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:00.200 Good for you, kay, We have well, we have a 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:02.600 lot to talk about. Your start. You're launching a tour, 0:01:02.720 --> 0:01:04.840 your first in person tour on purpose. 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:07.320 Yeah, first time I'm doing a podcast tour. 0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:11.400 So you're going to do live tapings of the podcast exactly. 0:01:11.520 --> 0:01:12.039 Yeah. 0:01:12.080 --> 0:01:14.280 And will the audience be able to participate? 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:17.240 Yeah, one the audience stars questions. It's going to be 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:19.560 highly interactive. I'm going to go out to the audience. 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:21.680 We're going to bring them up on stage. There's there's 0:01:21.720 --> 0:01:24.600 a lot of exciting experiential stuff plans. So I can't wait. 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:27.720 Oh, that's very exciting. I'm glad for you. Congrats on 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:30.959 all of your success. You're everywhere. I know you've been 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:33.920 working with lots of celebs, from Jada Pinkett Smith to 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:37.840 Michelle Obama to all of these inspiring people. I want 0:01:37.880 --> 0:01:41.760 to ask you, how has your experience now now that 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:44.600 you like live in Hollywood. I mean, you know, so 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:50.240 to speak, your big presence in the healing meditation self 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:54.000 help space and just kind of working on yourself. How 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:59.640 has being exposed to all of these celebrities, how has 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:02.720 that packeded your life? And how do you think our 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:07.120 industry works with like benefiting from the work that you do. 0:02:07.880 --> 0:02:10.160 That's such an interesting question. I mean, I think the 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:12.880 first thing it's made me realize is just how human 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:17.080 everyone is, and how no matter what our career paths are, 0:02:17.240 --> 0:02:22.000 trajectories are, or how successful or famous someone is, that 0:02:22.040 --> 0:02:25.600 we're all dealing with the same challenges. You know, everyone 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:29.240 is living in the same world, is stressed and anxious 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:32.440 about their family, about what's happening outside of what they 0:02:32.440 --> 0:02:35.080 can't control, and so there's a real humanity that comes 0:02:35.080 --> 0:02:38.080 with it, which I really really love. I think that 0:02:38.680 --> 0:02:41.839 what I've found is there are far more people who 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:46.160 also want to use their platform for a higher purpose 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:48.800 and may just not know how. And a lot of 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:54.800 people kind of found themselves into these very influential, pivotal positions, 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:56.720 and a lot of people will say I want to 0:02:56.760 --> 0:02:59.640 do something purposeful, I want to do something meaningful. I 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:01.080 just don't know how to do that. I don't know 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:03.519 what that looks like because this is what my life 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:06.000 has looked like for the past few decades. And so 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:10.480 I find that there is quite an earnest, genuine desire 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:12.919 to want to do good things and want to make 0:03:12.919 --> 0:03:16.280 a change, but not necessarily know what the vehicle for 0:03:16.360 --> 0:03:20.000 that is. And that's a really interesting conversation. And I 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:22.480 think the other side of it is, I mean, how 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:26.840 it's impacted my life is it's also challenged me to 0:03:26.919 --> 0:03:30.560 be really clear about what am I pursuing and what 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:33.200 am I building, And so it's almost been a challenge 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:35.880 for me in a healthy sense of being really clear 0:03:35.920 --> 0:03:39.120 about my purpose. I'm reminded of how valuable it is. 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:41.400 I'll tell you a story. I remember talking to my 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:45.280 monk teacher, who's been a monk for the last four decades. 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:49.120 He's seventy five years old, and when I first moved 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.440 to La, he said, you've got to be really cautious 0:03:51.560 --> 0:03:54.560 because you're moving to the capital of illusion. Those were 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:57.400 his words. And I was really excited to move to 0:03:57.560 --> 0:03:59.400 LA and me and my wife loved LA and we 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:02.280 were really looking forward to it, and we just love 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:05.760 the sunshine and the nature. And I said to him, 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:08.760 I'm working with a couple of people. I mentioned to him, 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:11.000 and he had no idea who they were because he 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:14.360 hasn't what TV or movies in like, you know, decades. 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:16.680 And he said to me, he said, you're so lucky 0:04:17.080 --> 0:04:20.480 that you get to coach them on all your future challenges. 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:23.800 And I love that statement because it was this really 0:04:23.800 --> 0:04:26.880 beautiful way of reminding me that my life would not 0:04:26.960 --> 0:04:31.239 be free of those challenges and issues and you know, dichotomies. 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:34.640 And I think that that connection has always kept me 0:04:34.760 --> 0:04:37.840 focused on making sure that I keep doing the work 0:04:38.080 --> 0:04:40.320 while I'm trying to help people do the work, And 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:43.920 so it's been a beautiful constant reminder as well. I 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:45.160 don't know if that makes sense. 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:47.040 No, it totally makes sense because I always find it 0:04:47.080 --> 0:04:51.000 more grounding to help other people that are Like when 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:54.720 you're involved with someone who's the situation is dissimilar than 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:58.000 your own, it's always like a nice salve on your 0:04:58.080 --> 0:05:00.520 soul to be able to step out of your self 0:05:00.839 --> 0:05:04.440 in order in service of another person. Like whenever I'm 0:05:04.440 --> 0:05:07.000 feeling down, I'm like, okay, go pay attention to someone 0:05:07.000 --> 0:05:09.560 else's life. Help somebody else like that's going through something, 0:05:09.880 --> 0:05:11.839 because that is a spirit lifter as well. 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:16.320 Absolutely, and you you expand your radius of compassion with 0:05:16.480 --> 0:05:18.640 anyone you work with, because I think a lot of 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:21.960 us have this. It's like we all feel like our 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:24.640 problems are the worst, which they are when you're feeling them, 0:05:24.960 --> 0:05:27.359 but guess what everyone else is feeling that way about 0:05:27.360 --> 0:05:30.560 their problems. And when you start to learn about how 0:05:30.680 --> 0:05:34.720 intricate the human mind is and how emotions work and 0:05:34.760 --> 0:05:38.279 how they're created. You start to recognize how everyone looks 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:42.200 at their set of problems as really difficult and really challenging, 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:44.400 even if for you it'd be a walk in the park. 0:05:44.720 --> 0:05:48.360 And so it's really fascinating expanding your radius of compassion 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:50.599 because you start to be able to take on more 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:53.839 understand people more. And I think that's what I'm excited about, 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:56.520 is I get to travel across the world and work 0:05:56.560 --> 0:05:58.839 with people from all different backgrounds and all different walks 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:01.560 of life. It's not just Hollywood. And to me, when 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:04.560 I get to see people in different spaces and places, 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:07.960 it kind of just allows me to recognize how much 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:10.880 I don't understand about the human condition, how much more 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:13.880 there still is to learn, how judgmental I can be, 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:17.760 how critical I can be, how small minded I can be. 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:20.600 And I love challenging all of that because I think 0:06:20.600 --> 0:06:22.760 it's really easy to think, oh, I have all the 0:06:22.800 --> 0:06:25.320 answers and I have the solutions, and then actually, when 0:06:25.360 --> 0:06:27.480 you start working with more people, you realize you don't. 0:06:27.920 --> 0:06:29.520 And the most human thing you know to do is 0:06:29.520 --> 0:06:31.719 to sit with someone and hold their hands and look 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:34.520 into their eyes and just be present with them. And 0:06:34.520 --> 0:06:37.360 then you start realizing that that is the realist thing 0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:40.520 that people need and the truest wisdom. So it's like 0:06:40.600 --> 0:06:44.279 this counterintuitive idea of that. I mean, we've heard this 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.440 for ages, but it's true. The more you know, the 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:49.120 more you realize you don't know, and how much more 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:49.880 there is to learn. 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:52.880 And also to meet everything with love, right when you 0:06:52.920 --> 0:06:54.840 can come from a place of love, even when you're 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:58.240 dealing with anger or frustration or any of the things 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:00.480 that don't make you feel good, to just turn it 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:04.119 with love is a beautiful lesson that's not always easy 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:06.800 to practice with every single person, but it's a great 0:07:06.800 --> 0:07:09.760 thing to remember. Not to meet anger with anger, not 0:07:09.880 --> 0:07:13.320 to meet resistance with more resistance. It's like treating I 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:15.600 always think about how you're supposed to treat children. You know, 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:17.760 when they're having a temper tantrum. You don't scream and 0:07:17.840 --> 0:07:20.240 yell at them. That doesn't get results. You have to 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:23.480 sit there and be patient and love them up. You know, 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:27.160 I don't this whole punishment and argument arguing like that 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:29.880 doesn't lead anywhere. It's just like this air. It's like 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:31.400 hot air that goes nowhere. 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:35.560 Yeah, you've reminded me of this beautiful, beautiful thought from 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:39.880 Russell Barkley. Russell Barkley once said that the people who 0:07:39.920 --> 0:07:43.040 need the most love often ask for it in the 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:46.880 most unloving ways. And so when I see someone's behavior, 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:49.960 the first thing I try and think of is, how 0:07:50.040 --> 0:07:52.800 is that a plea for love? How is that a 0:07:52.800 --> 0:07:56.320 pledge for love? Whatever behavior you see from someone, whether 0:07:56.360 --> 0:08:00.880 it's anger, whether it's frustration, whether it's judgment, whether it's criticism, 0:08:00.880 --> 0:08:05.600 whether it's fear, it's them asking for love in some way. 0:08:05.680 --> 0:08:07.600 And I think we see it in children the most. 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:11.360 Where when a child's throwing a tantrum or on the floor, 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:15.080 like crying and bashing their feet and hands, they're simply 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:18.240 asking for presence, love and connection. That's what they're looking for. 0:08:18.520 --> 0:08:21.240 And I think we're all just big children who are 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:25.360 still asking for love, still seeking that approval, still wanting 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:28.040 that connection and that embrace. And the sad thing is 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:29.800 we don't get it. And because we don't get it, 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:32.920 well you retaliate even further. So I love what you said. 0:08:32.920 --> 0:08:35.240 And that's what I try and always imagine is when 0:08:35.280 --> 0:08:37.560 I sit with someone and I look at them, I 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:45.199 try to look at them as the child that was neglected, mistreated, lost, confused, stuck, 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:48.360 because that allows me to have the compassion for them 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:51.000 that I might not have now that you assume they're 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:53.360 an adult. As soon as you assume someone's an adult, 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:56.360 you assume they should have certain behavior as manners, traits. 0:08:56.679 --> 0:08:58.800 As soon as you recognize, well, they're just a kid 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:02.920 in an adult's body, you start thinking differently about problems 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:04.880 and challenges. So that always helps me for sure. 0:09:05.160 --> 0:09:07.600 And then how do you frame like accountability with people 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:10.480 who are doing the work who are adults. But obviously 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:13.000 we can we can take that framework and that attitude 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:16.160 that everyone's a little kid. But then say you have 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:18.560 a long friendship with somebody and their intention is to 0:09:18.600 --> 0:09:22.360 spiritually grow. They're having conversations and there, but they don't 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:25.920 seem to be making any movement or making better decisions 0:09:25.920 --> 0:09:28.480 for themselves. They keep getting themselves in the same situation. 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:32.199 It's just like a psych you know, a cyclical behavior. 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:35.000 And like, I have something somebody in my life that 0:09:35.040 --> 0:09:37.679 I struggle with because I'm like, I can't help you anymore, 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:39.320 Like I don't know what to do and I I 0:09:39.360 --> 0:09:41.400 honestly don't have the bandwidth. And it's not that I 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:44.280 don't love you. I do, but I don't know how 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:47.600 to help you move towards what you think you want. 0:09:47.760 --> 0:09:49.560 You know what I mean, And so how do you 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:52.160 handle those people who just kind of keep hitting a wall? 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:55.880 At an age where like I went to therapy, I 0:09:55.960 --> 0:09:58.360 learned my I got my shit together, and I made 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:00.480 huge improvements. So I don't I want to be a 0:10:00.640 --> 0:10:04.040 spiritual narcissist and say I'm better than anyone. But I 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:06.959 did the work I learned, I absorbed it, and then 0:10:07.160 --> 0:10:10.679 my output is different. So when someone can't get that 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:12.720 ball rolling, how would you handle that? 0:10:13.520 --> 0:10:15.520 The first thing I do, and I think you've already 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:17.319 done this, but I think it's important to point it out. 0:10:17.360 --> 0:10:19.760 The first thing I do is I think about how 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:22.760 many steps forward I took and how many steps back 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:25.560 I took, and how often I did that on my 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:28.320 own spiritual journey. So I think about the time when 0:10:28.400 --> 0:10:32.000 I was that person who had all these grand ambitions 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:35.840 and grand aspirations but still fell short. And I know 0:10:35.880 --> 0:10:40.480 in my spiritual journey it was plenty cyclical and plenty 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:43.920 two steps forward three steps back, and that allows me 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:47.200 to have an expansion of my compassion again and empathy 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.640 to be like, actually, when I was on that transition 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.640 and that journey, that's exactly what it looked like for me. 0:10:52.720 --> 0:10:55.360 I just forgot it because I'm somewhat on the other 0:10:55.440 --> 0:10:57.920 side now and I've got better at those habits. So 0:10:57.960 --> 0:11:01.480 that definitely is what avoids being as spiritual narcissists, because 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:04.160 you know, I think that's such an important part. The 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:07.040 second part is this, I really look at it. If 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:10.680 I don't have a professional relationship with someone, I try 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:13.920 not to force accountability on them. I look at my 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:17.480 relationship as being one of patients, of being one of encouragement, 0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:21.200 of being one of support. And what I've found is 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.800 that those people who aren't accountable, who are cyclical. There's 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:26.600 this amazing meme I saw the other day and I 0:11:26.640 --> 0:11:30.439 loved it, and on the top it had five water 0:11:30.520 --> 0:11:34.760 cups and they were all perfectly filled at the same level, 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:37.199 so they were all half full, and it said, this 0:11:37.440 --> 0:11:41.280 is not consistency. And on the second tier it had 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:43.720 one water cup that was full, one that was little, 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:46.360 one that was half, one that was three quarters, one 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:48.480 that was a quarter, and it said, this is what 0:11:48.520 --> 0:11:52.000 consistency looks like. And I thought to myself, that's so true. 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:55.000 We think consistency is I worked out five days a week, 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:58.240 every day, every week of the year, fifty two weeks 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:00.360 of year. And the truth is, for all of us 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:02.320 who work out or try and stay healthy, it's like 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:04.600 this week, I've worked out five days a week. Next 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:06.520 week I might do three. The next week I might 0:12:06.559 --> 0:12:08.920 do seven, The next week I might do four. And 0:12:08.960 --> 0:12:13.679 so I think recognizing that consistency on a machine looks perfect, 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:18.360 but consistency and accountability on a human looks sporadic. And 0:12:18.400 --> 0:12:20.720 then the third thing when it comes to you feeling exhausted, 0:12:20.760 --> 0:12:22.120 and by the way I relate to you, I have 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:24.560 friends who have given the same piece of advice to 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:29.560 for seven years, and after seven years, I have stopped 0:12:29.600 --> 0:12:33.360 giving that advice because I realized that it is wasted 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:36.199 because that advice is not changing their life and they 0:12:36.200 --> 0:12:40.280 don't have the capacity, the emotional availability, or the intention 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:44.000 to change, or the attraction to change. And again, I 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:46.960 focus on what I can control. I've realized that often 0:12:47.000 --> 0:12:49.480 I was giving that advice because it sounded right, but 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:51.840 they didn't really ask for it, they didn't really want it. 0:12:51.880 --> 0:12:55.000 They never told me they were accountable, And so I've started. 0:12:55.040 --> 0:12:58.800 I've stopped giving unsolicited advice unless someone tells me, Jay, 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:01.560 I am accountable to you for thirty days, tell me 0:13:01.600 --> 0:13:03.640 what to do and I will do it. Unless someone 0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.160 says that to me and commits that way, I just 0:13:06.280 --> 0:13:08.920 keep it as a casual friendship. I'm happy for them 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:10.800 to have the same problems. Of course, I may not 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:13.280 talk to them as often, and I'm okay with the 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:15.280 fact that my life's going to move on, because I 0:13:15.280 --> 0:13:18.800 don't want to take on keeping you accountable when you 0:13:18.880 --> 0:13:21.200 haven't committed to that, And I think that's on us 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:25.000 to make sure that we create that clarification. 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:28.040 Because like, okay, So that leads me to the next question, 0:13:28.080 --> 0:13:31.000 which is people who are not doing the work, which 0:13:31.040 --> 0:13:33.679 I think you kind of answer just now, like how 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:36.120 do you deal and especially I think right now, you know, 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:38.640 with the political landscape the way it is, and people 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:42.559 are so frustrated and angry and scared, and people are 0:13:42.559 --> 0:13:45.079 dealing with, you know, people and their family who've voted 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.320 differently politically and having to kind of maintain relationships in 0:13:49.400 --> 0:13:52.400 the name of being a bigger person, like not just 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:54.880 cutting off relationships because someone voted for the person that 0:13:54.920 --> 0:13:58.520 you didn't want to win. But how do you advise 0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:01.720 people to handle this in the times we're living in 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:05.960 because it is really obviously divisive and really scary for 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:06.880 all of us. 0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:09.240 Yeah, no, you're You're so right, And the amount of 0:14:09.240 --> 0:14:13.000 phone calls I get about that topic is high. I 0:14:13.200 --> 0:14:17.280 genuinely believe there's two ways this goes right. You either 0:14:17.280 --> 0:14:19.680 have someone in your life who's willing to have an 0:14:19.680 --> 0:14:22.960 open and honest conversation and this is probably rare, and 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.440 someone who's actually willing to hold space for your perspective. 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:28.360 I think that's actually become quite rare, and the problem 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.720 is that's what we actually need. On the other hand, 0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:36.560 every time the topic comes up, someone's fuse flips, someone 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:42.360 starts being derogatory, someone starts being combative, someone starts being judgmental, 0:14:42.680 --> 0:14:45.160 someone starts being a debater, and no one wants to 0:14:45.200 --> 0:14:48.240 have a professional and unprofessional debate at the dining table. 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:50.600 And so I think the challenge is that's what we're 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:55.080 dealing with. We've lost the ability to have healthy conversations 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:58.200 where we have disagreements. There's a beautiful statement that I 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:02.440 love from f Scott Fitzgerald where he said that the 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:06.840 sign of a first rate intelligence is the ability to 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:11.440 hold two ideas, two opposing ideas, at the same time, 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:15.240 and still retain the ability to function. So the fact 0:15:15.240 --> 0:15:18.840 that you could actually hold two ideas that are completely opposite, 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:22.520 that's actually what he calls a first rate intelligence. I 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:25.520 think we've lost that completely. And the second part he 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:28.240 says to that statement, which I love, is he says 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:32.680 one should therefore be able to see that everything is hopeless, 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:36.560 but be determined to make it otherwise. In other words, 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:39.360 you also able to hold the idea that the world 0:15:39.360 --> 0:15:42.120 isn't a mess. It's chaotic, it gets crazy, this is insane, 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:45.440 and we can still do something about it. And so 0:15:45.520 --> 0:15:48.400 I think now we've got very good at picking aside, 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:52.120 even in hope. So you're either hopeless, the world's a mess, 0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:54.960 it's all over, or you're full of hope and optimistic. 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.240 But we don't need either of them. We need to 0:15:57.320 --> 0:15:59.640 lean into the dark as much as the light in 0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:02.520 order to actually deal with the darkness. And so what 0:16:02.520 --> 0:16:05.400 I would suggest is, if you don't have someone in 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.720 your life who's willing to open up and have that conversation, sadly, 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:11.200 that is a disconnect. It is someone you have to 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:14.440 distance from and it's not worth engaging because it's just 0:16:14.520 --> 0:16:18.320 going to create more turmoil, more stress, more ignorance, and 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:21.080 more pain in both of your lives. And that's just 0:16:21.120 --> 0:16:23.880 the real that's just the truth. I wish it wasn't that, 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:26.680 but it is that. On the other hand, I would 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:30.080 encourage the individual to find those people they can have 0:16:30.120 --> 0:16:33.640 those conversations with, because that's just healthy for us as humans. 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:36.040 Because guess what, when you wake up, you may be 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:38.680 in a really positive mood, but it starts raining outside. 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:41.320 That's what life is. Accepting that you can be in 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.240 a positive mood and it can be raining outside at 0:16:44.240 --> 0:16:46.280 the same time. That's what we're trying to get to. 0:16:46.320 --> 0:16:48.040 We're not trying to get into a positive mood all 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.080 the time, and we're not trying to be negative all 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:52.160 the time. We're trying to accept that I can see 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.800 both these things coexist, and I'm going to coexist in 0:16:55.840 --> 0:17:00.120 reality with them. And so I think sadly the reality 0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:02.920 is that a lot of people can't talk to the 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:05.520 people in their life because that person will turn it 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:09.400 into an argument and a debate, not a healthy disagreement. 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.320 But I would challenge each person listening to say, can 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:16.480 you be that person to have healthy conversations, to see 0:17:16.520 --> 0:17:19.439 other sides, to see other opinions without making it a debate, 0:17:19.640 --> 0:17:21.560 because that's the kind of world we need to live in. 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:24.560 And also, and if it's not a relationship that's going 0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:26.960 to work for you, how do you feel about putting 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:29.280 a pause on a relationship or cutting someone off if 0:17:29.320 --> 0:17:31.679 it's not affecting you in a positive way, or if 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:33.840 it's just proven to be too exhaustive. 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:37.439 Yeah, if something's always stressing you out and draining you 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:41.160 and triggering you, you don't belong there. That's what I'd 0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:44.119 like to remind people. You don't belong in places that 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:49.200 constantly drain and trigger you. Now you start there. Over time, 0:17:49.240 --> 0:17:52.520 as you strengthen and as you grow, you actually are 0:17:52.600 --> 0:17:55.680 open to the challenge. So the same environment that used 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:59.200 to drain and trigger you when you grow and strengthen spiritually, 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:03.480 now you're welcoming the challenge, You're welcoming the discomfort because 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:06.440 you recognize you can hold space for it. And finally, 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:08.520 you can actually find a way to even thrive in 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:11.679 environments that originally used to drain you. And that's what 0:18:11.760 --> 0:18:16.000 spiritual growth is. Spiritual growth is not running away from 0:18:16.040 --> 0:18:20.760 painful places. Spiritual growth is strengthening yourself so much that 0:18:20.920 --> 0:18:24.439 something that used to drain you now challenges you and 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:27.960 now actually helps you thrive. In the Geeta, which is 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:31.800 the ancient text of India around five thousand years old, 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:35.960 the language that's used when translated from Sanskrit is relishing 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:39.200 the battle. This idea that you relish the battle because 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:42.600 you recognize the battle makes you more alert, The battle 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:45.520 makes you more conscious, the battle makes you more present. 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:50.600 It's the old adage from Buddhism that says better to 0:18:50.680 --> 0:18:54.159 be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:56.720 a war, and that idea that it's always good to 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:59.600 train like a warrior to be able to be able 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:01.639 to battle or when you need to, but live in 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:04.160 a peaceful garden. Then it is to be a gardener 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:06.160 in a war who doesn't know how to deal with 0:19:06.200 --> 0:19:09.280 that stress and pressure. And so I love to remind 0:19:09.320 --> 0:19:12.879 people that spiritual growth is strengthening yourself to the point 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:16.000 that what used to drain you now actually helps you thrive. 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:18.040 Love it, love it. Okay, we're going to take a 0:19:18.040 --> 0:19:20.320 break and we're going to be right back with Jayshetty If. 0:19:20.240 --> 0:19:22.800 You'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at Dear 0:19:22.880 --> 0:19:26.240 Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:28.919 your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on, 0:19:29.200 --> 0:19:32.400 but this week we're specifically looking for questions about family issues. 0:19:32.480 --> 0:19:34.240 If you have an issue with a family member, or 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:34.679 you need. 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:37.680 Advice about a specific relationship issue, please write in at 0:19:37.720 --> 0:19:43.560 Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. 0:19:43.760 --> 0:19:46.440 And we're back with Jayshetty. This is off topic, Jay, 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:49.280 but you look at yops very nice. Have you been 0:19:49.280 --> 0:19:49.919 working out? 0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:52.360 I have been working out. That's the best. I love 0:19:52.680 --> 0:19:54.840 I appreciate that. That's very sweet. I love it. 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:57.080 Okay, great, we're going to take some callers. Catherine, what 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:57.680 do we got. 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:02.159 We have some tricky ones today, so Jay, I know 0:20:02.240 --> 0:20:05.800 you'll bring your a game. So our first caller is Michelle. 0:20:05.880 --> 0:20:08.960 She's calling in from the Midwest. She says, Dear Chelsea, 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:11.840 my husband and I have two adult children living at home, 0:20:11.960 --> 0:20:14.840