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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.

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Speaker 2: Should we get right into it?

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Speaker 1: Sure? I don't see why not. J Sheddy's back. Oh okay, a.

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Speaker 2: J Sheddy is here. He's on his first live tour

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Speaker 2: with the podcast, The On Purpose Tour.

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Speaker 1: And he'll be telling us all about it. Hi. J Sheddy?

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Speaker 3: Hello, how are you?

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Speaker 1: Top of the morning to you? Where are you?

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Speaker 3: I am at home in La.

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Speaker 1: Oh, you're always at home in La. Well, you're not

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Speaker 1: always at home in La, but whenever I see you

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Speaker 1: on podcasts, which is primarily where I see you, you're

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Speaker 1: at home in La.

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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, exactly. How are you are you? Where are you?

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Speaker 1: I'm in Whistler, Canada, enjoying the very last days of

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Speaker 1: ski season.

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Speaker 3: Which are Wow, that's amazing. Oh my gosh, that's incredible.

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Speaker 1: It's my happy place. I wrote about it in my

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Speaker 1: book that investing my time and learning how to ski

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Speaker 1: and buying a place up in Whistler was the best

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Speaker 1: medicine I could have ever given myself to achieve the

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Speaker 1: next level of joyfulness in my life.

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Speaker 3: I love that.

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Speaker 1: Good for you, kay, We have well, we have a

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Speaker 1: lot to talk about. Your start. You're launching a tour,

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Speaker 1: your first in person tour on purpose.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, first time I'm doing a podcast tour.

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Speaker 1: So you're going to do live tapings of the podcast exactly.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And will the audience be able to participate?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, one the audience stars questions. It's going to be

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Speaker 3: highly interactive. I'm going to go out to the audience.

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Speaker 3: We're going to bring them up on stage. There's there's

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Speaker 3: a lot of exciting experiential stuff plans. So I can't wait.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's very exciting. I'm glad for you. Congrats on

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Speaker 1: all of your success. You're everywhere. I know you've been

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Speaker 1: working with lots of celebs, from Jada Pinkett Smith to

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Speaker 1: Michelle Obama to all of these inspiring people. I want

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Speaker 1: to ask you, how has your experience now now that

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Speaker 1: you like live in Hollywood. I mean, you know, so

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Speaker 1: to speak, your big presence in the healing meditation self

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Speaker 1: help space and just kind of working on yourself. How

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Speaker 1: has being exposed to all of these celebrities, how has

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Speaker 1: that packeded your life? And how do you think our

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Speaker 1: industry works with like benefiting from the work that you do.

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Speaker 3: That's such an interesting question. I mean, I think the

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Speaker 3: first thing it's made me realize is just how human

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Speaker 3: everyone is, and how no matter what our career paths are,

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Speaker 3: trajectories are, or how successful or famous someone is, that

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Speaker 3: we're all dealing with the same challenges. You know, everyone

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Speaker 3: is living in the same world, is stressed and anxious

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Speaker 3: about their family, about what's happening outside of what they

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Speaker 3: can't control, and so there's a real humanity that comes

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Speaker 3: with it, which I really really love. I think that

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Speaker 3: what I've found is there are far more people who

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Speaker 3: also want to use their platform for a higher purpose

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Speaker 3: and may just not know how. And a lot of

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Speaker 3: people kind of found themselves into these very influential, pivotal positions,

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Speaker 3: and a lot of people will say I want to

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Speaker 3: do something purposeful, I want to do something meaningful. I

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Speaker 3: just don't know how to do that. I don't know

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Speaker 3: what that looks like because this is what my life

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Speaker 3: has looked like for the past few decades. And so

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Speaker 3: I find that there is quite an earnest, genuine desire

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Speaker 3: to want to do good things and want to make

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Speaker 3: a change, but not necessarily know what the vehicle for

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Speaker 3: that is. And that's a really interesting conversation. And I

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Speaker 3: think the other side of it is, I mean, how

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Speaker 3: it's impacted my life is it's also challenged me to

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Speaker 3: be really clear about what am I pursuing and what

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Speaker 3: am I building, And so it's almost been a challenge

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Speaker 3: for me in a healthy sense of being really clear

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Speaker 3: about my purpose. I'm reminded of how valuable it is.

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Speaker 3: I'll tell you a story. I remember talking to my

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Speaker 3: monk teacher, who's been a monk for the last four decades.

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Speaker 3: He's seventy five years old, and when I first moved

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Speaker 3: to La, he said, you've got to be really cautious

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Speaker 3: because you're moving to the capital of illusion. Those were

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Speaker 3: his words. And I was really excited to move to

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Speaker 3: LA and me and my wife loved LA and we

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Speaker 3: were really looking forward to it, and we just love

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Speaker 3: the sunshine and the nature. And I said to him,

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Speaker 3: I'm working with a couple of people. I mentioned to him,

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Speaker 3: and he had no idea who they were because he

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Speaker 3: hasn't what TV or movies in like, you know, decades.

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Speaker 3: And he said to me, he said, you're so lucky

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Speaker 3: that you get to coach them on all your future challenges.

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Speaker 3: And I love that statement because it was this really

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Speaker 3: beautiful way of reminding me that my life would not

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Speaker 3: be free of those challenges and issues and you know, dichotomies.

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Speaker 3: And I think that that connection has always kept me

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Speaker 3: focused on making sure that I keep doing the work

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Speaker 3: while I'm trying to help people do the work, And

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Speaker 3: so it's been a beautiful constant reminder as well. I

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Speaker 3: don't know if that makes sense.

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Speaker 1: No, it totally makes sense because I always find it

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Speaker 1: more grounding to help other people that are Like when

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Speaker 1: you're involved with someone who's the situation is dissimilar than

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Speaker 1: your own, it's always like a nice salve on your

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Speaker 1: soul to be able to step out of your self

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Speaker 1: in order in service of another person. Like whenever I'm

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Speaker 1: feeling down, I'm like, okay, go pay attention to someone

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Speaker 1: else's life. Help somebody else like that's going through something,

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Speaker 1: because that is a spirit lifter as well.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, and you you expand your radius of compassion with

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Speaker 3: anyone you work with, because I think a lot of

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Speaker 3: us have this. It's like we all feel like our

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Speaker 3: problems are the worst, which they are when you're feeling them,

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Speaker 3: but guess what everyone else is feeling that way about

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Speaker 3: their problems. And when you start to learn about how

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Speaker 3: intricate the human mind is and how emotions work and

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Speaker 3: how they're created. You start to recognize how everyone looks

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Speaker 3: at their set of problems as really difficult and really challenging,

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Speaker 3: even if for you it'd be a walk in the park.

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Speaker 3: And so it's really fascinating expanding your radius of compassion

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Speaker 3: because you start to be able to take on more

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Speaker 3: understand people more. And I think that's what I'm excited about,

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Speaker 3: is I get to travel across the world and work

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Speaker 3: with people from all different backgrounds and all different walks

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Speaker 3: of life. It's not just Hollywood. And to me, when

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Speaker 3: I get to see people in different spaces and places,

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Speaker 3: it kind of just allows me to recognize how much

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Speaker 3: I don't understand about the human condition, how much more

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Speaker 3: there still is to learn, how judgmental I can be,

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Speaker 3: how critical I can be, how small minded I can be.

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Speaker 3: And I love challenging all of that because I think

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Speaker 3: it's really easy to think, oh, I have all the

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Speaker 3: answers and I have the solutions, and then actually, when

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Speaker 3: you start working with more people, you realize you don't.

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Speaker 3: And the most human thing you know to do is

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Speaker 3: to sit with someone and hold their hands and look

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Speaker 3: into their eyes and just be present with them. And

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Speaker 3: then you start realizing that that is the realist thing

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Speaker 3: that people need and the truest wisdom. So it's like

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Speaker 3: this counterintuitive idea of that. I mean, we've heard this

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Speaker 3: for ages, but it's true. The more you know, the

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Speaker 3: more you realize you don't know, and how much more

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Speaker 3: there is to learn.

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Speaker 1: And also to meet everything with love, right when you

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Speaker 1: can come from a place of love, even when you're

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Speaker 1: dealing with anger or frustration or any of the things

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Speaker 1: that don't make you feel good, to just turn it

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Speaker 1: with love is a beautiful lesson that's not always easy

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Speaker 1: to practice with every single person, but it's a great

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Speaker 1: thing to remember. Not to meet anger with anger, not

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Speaker 1: to meet resistance with more resistance. It's like treating I

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Speaker 1: always think about how you're supposed to treat children. You know,

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Speaker 1: when they're having a temper tantrum. You don't scream and

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Speaker 1: yell at them. That doesn't get results. You have to

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Speaker 1: sit there and be patient and love them up. You know,

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Speaker 1: I don't this whole punishment and argument arguing like that

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Speaker 1: doesn't lead anywhere. It's just like this air. It's like

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Speaker 1: hot air that goes nowhere.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you've reminded me of this beautiful, beautiful thought from

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Speaker 3: Russell Barkley. Russell Barkley once said that the people who

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Speaker 3: need the most love often ask for it in the

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Speaker 3: most unloving ways. And so when I see someone's behavior,

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Speaker 3: the first thing I try and think of is, how

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Speaker 3: is that a plea for love? How is that a

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Speaker 3: pledge for love? Whatever behavior you see from someone, whether

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Speaker 3: it's anger, whether it's frustration, whether it's judgment, whether it's criticism,

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Speaker 3: whether it's fear, it's them asking for love in some way.

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Speaker 3: And I think we see it in children the most.

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Speaker 3: Where when a child's throwing a tantrum or on the floor,

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Speaker 3: like crying and bashing their feet and hands, they're simply

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Speaker 3: asking for presence, love and connection. That's what they're looking for.

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Speaker 3: And I think we're all just big children who are

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Speaker 3: still asking for love, still seeking that approval, still wanting

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Speaker 3: that connection and that embrace. And the sad thing is

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Speaker 3: we don't get it. And because we don't get it,

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Speaker 3: well you retaliate even further. So I love what you said.

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Speaker 3: And that's what I try and always imagine is when

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Speaker 3: I sit with someone and I look at them, I

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Speaker 3: try to look at them as the child that was neglected, mistreated, lost, confused, stuck,

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Speaker 3: because that allows me to have the compassion for them

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Speaker 3: that I might not have now that you assume they're

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Speaker 3: an adult. As soon as you assume someone's an adult,

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Speaker 3: you assume they should have certain behavior as manners, traits.

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Speaker 3: As soon as you recognize, well, they're just a kid

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Speaker 3: in an adult's body, you start thinking differently about problems

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Speaker 3: and challenges. So that always helps me for sure.

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Speaker 1: And then how do you frame like accountability with people

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Speaker 1: who are doing the work who are adults. But obviously

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Speaker 1: we can we can take that framework and that attitude

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Speaker 1: that everyone's a little kid. But then say you have

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Speaker 1: a long friendship with somebody and their intention is to

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Speaker 1: spiritually grow. They're having conversations and there, but they don't

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Speaker 1: seem to be making any movement or making better decisions

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Speaker 1: for themselves. They keep getting themselves in the same situation.

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Speaker 1: It's just like a psych you know, a cyclical behavior.

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Speaker 1: And like, I have something somebody in my life that

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Speaker 1: I struggle with because I'm like, I can't help you anymore,

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Speaker 1: Like I don't know what to do and I I

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Speaker 1: honestly don't have the bandwidth. And it's not that I

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Speaker 1: don't love you. I do, but I don't know how

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Speaker 1: to help you move towards what you think you want.

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean, And so how do you

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Speaker 1: handle those people who just kind of keep hitting a wall?

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Speaker 1: At an age where like I went to therapy, I

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Speaker 1: learned my I got my shit together, and I made

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Speaker 1: huge improvements. So I don't I want to be a

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Speaker 1: spiritual narcissist and say I'm better than anyone. But I

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Speaker 1: did the work I learned, I absorbed it, and then

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Speaker 1: my output is different. So when someone can't get that

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Speaker 1: ball rolling, how would you handle that?

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Speaker 3: The first thing I do, and I think you've already

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Speaker 3: done this, but I think it's important to point it out.

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Speaker 3: The first thing I do is I think about how

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Speaker 3: many steps forward I took and how many steps back

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Speaker 3: I took, and how often I did that on my

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Speaker 3: own spiritual journey. So I think about the time when

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Speaker 3: I was that person who had all these grand ambitions

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Speaker 3: and grand aspirations but still fell short. And I know

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Speaker 3: in my spiritual journey it was plenty cyclical and plenty

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Speaker 3: two steps forward three steps back, and that allows me

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Speaker 3: to have an expansion of my compassion again and empathy

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Speaker 3: to be like, actually, when I was on that transition

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Speaker 3: and that journey, that's exactly what it looked like for me.

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Speaker 3: I just forgot it because I'm somewhat on the other

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Speaker 3: side now and I've got better at those habits. So

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Speaker 3: that definitely is what avoids being as spiritual narcissists, because

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Speaker 3: you know, I think that's such an important part. The

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Speaker 3: second part is this, I really look at it. If

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Speaker 3: I don't have a professional relationship with someone, I try

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Speaker 3: not to force accountability on them. I look at my

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Speaker 3: relationship as being one of patients, of being one of encouragement,

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Speaker 3: of being one of support. And what I've found is

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Speaker 3: that those people who aren't accountable, who are cyclical. There's

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Speaker 3: this amazing meme I saw the other day and I

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Speaker 3: loved it, and on the top it had five water

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Speaker 3: cups and they were all perfectly filled at the same level,

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Speaker 3: so they were all half full, and it said, this

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Speaker 3: is not consistency. And on the second tier it had

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Speaker 3: one water cup that was full, one that was little,

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Speaker 3: one that was half, one that was three quarters, one

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Speaker 3: that was a quarter, and it said, this is what

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Speaker 3: consistency looks like. And I thought to myself, that's so true.

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Speaker 3: We think consistency is I worked out five days a week,

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Speaker 3: every day, every week of the year, fifty two weeks

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Speaker 3: of year. And the truth is, for all of us

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Speaker 3: who work out or try and stay healthy, it's like

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Speaker 3: this week, I've worked out five days a week. Next

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Speaker 3: week I might do three. The next week I might

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Speaker 3: do seven, The next week I might do four. And

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Speaker 3: so I think recognizing that consistency on a machine looks perfect,

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Speaker 3: but consistency and accountability on a human looks sporadic. And

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Speaker 3: then the third thing when it comes to you feeling exhausted,

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Speaker 3: and by the way I relate to you, I have

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Speaker 3: friends who have given the same piece of advice to

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Speaker 3: for seven years, and after seven years, I have stopped

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Speaker 3: giving that advice because I realized that it is wasted

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Speaker 3: because that advice is not changing their life and they

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Speaker 3: don't have the capacity, the emotional availability, or the intention

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Speaker 3: to change, or the attraction to change. And again, I

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Speaker 3: focus on what I can control. I've realized that often

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Speaker 3: I was giving that advice because it sounded right, but

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Speaker 3: they didn't really ask for it, they didn't really want it.

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Speaker 3: They never told me they were accountable, And so I've started.

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Speaker 3: I've stopped giving unsolicited advice unless someone tells me, Jay,

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Speaker 3: I am accountable to you for thirty days, tell me

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Speaker 3: what to do and I will do it. Unless someone

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Speaker 3: says that to me and commits that way, I just

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Speaker 3: keep it as a casual friendship. I'm happy for them

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Speaker 3: to have the same problems. Of course, I may not

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Speaker 3: talk to them as often, and I'm okay with the

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Speaker 3: fact that my life's going to move on, because I

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Speaker 3: don't want to take on keeping you accountable when you

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Speaker 3: haven't committed to that, And I think that's on us

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Speaker 3: to make sure that we create that clarification.

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Speaker 1: Because like, okay, So that leads me to the next question,

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Speaker 1: which is people who are not doing the work, which

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Speaker 1: I think you kind of answer just now, like how

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Speaker 1: do you deal and especially I think right now, you know,

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Speaker 1: with the political landscape the way it is, and people

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Speaker 1: are so frustrated and angry and scared, and people are

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Speaker 1: dealing with, you know, people and their family who've voted

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Speaker 1: differently politically and having to kind of maintain relationships in

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Speaker 1: the name of being a bigger person, like not just

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Speaker 1: cutting off relationships because someone voted for the person that

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Speaker 1: you didn't want to win. But how do you advise

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Speaker 1: people to handle this in the times we're living in

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Speaker 1: because it is really obviously divisive and really scary for

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Speaker 1: all of us.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, no, you're You're so right, And the amount of

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Speaker 3: phone calls I get about that topic is high. I

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Speaker 3: genuinely believe there's two ways this goes right. You either

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Speaker 3: have someone in your life who's willing to have an

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Speaker 3: open and honest conversation and this is probably rare, and

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Speaker 3: someone who's actually willing to hold space for your perspective.

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Speaker 3: I think that's actually become quite rare, and the problem

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Speaker 3: is that's what we actually need. On the other hand,

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Speaker 3: every time the topic comes up, someone's fuse flips, someone

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Speaker 3: starts being derogatory, someone starts being combative, someone starts being judgmental,

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Speaker 3: someone starts being a debater, and no one wants to

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Speaker 3: have a professional and unprofessional debate at the dining table.

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Speaker 3: And so I think the challenge is that's what we're

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Speaker 3: dealing with. We've lost the ability to have healthy conversations

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Speaker 3: where we have disagreements. There's a beautiful statement that I

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Speaker 3: love from f Scott Fitzgerald where he said that the

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Speaker 3: sign of a first rate intelligence is the ability to

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Speaker 3: hold two ideas, two opposing ideas, at the same time,

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Speaker 3: and still retain the ability to function. So the fact

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Speaker 3: that you could actually hold two ideas that are completely opposite,

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Speaker 3: that's actually what he calls a first rate intelligence. I

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Speaker 3: think we've lost that completely. And the second part he

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Speaker 3: says to that statement, which I love, is he says

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Speaker 3: one should therefore be able to see that everything is hopeless,

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Speaker 3: but be determined to make it otherwise. In other words,

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Speaker 3: you also able to hold the idea that the world

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Speaker 3: isn't a mess. It's chaotic, it gets crazy, this is insane,

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Speaker 3: and we can still do something about it. And so

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Speaker 3: I think now we've got very good at picking aside,

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Speaker 3: even in hope. So you're either hopeless, the world's a mess,

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Speaker 3: it's all over, or you're full of hope and optimistic.

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Speaker 3: But we don't need either of them. We need to

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Speaker 3: lean into the dark as much as the light in

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Speaker 3: order to actually deal with the darkness. And so what

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Speaker 3: I would suggest is, if you don't have someone in

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Speaker 3: your life who's willing to open up and have that conversation, sadly,

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Speaker 3: that is a disconnect. It is someone you have to

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Speaker 3: distance from and it's not worth engaging because it's just

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Speaker 3: going to create more turmoil, more stress, more ignorance, and

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Speaker 3: more pain in both of your lives. And that's just

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Speaker 3: the real that's just the truth. I wish it wasn't that,

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Speaker 3: but it is that. On the other hand, I would

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Speaker 3: encourage the individual to find those people they can have

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Speaker 3: those conversations with, because that's just healthy for us as humans.

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Speaker 3: Because guess what, when you wake up, you may be

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Speaker 3: in a really positive mood, but it starts raining outside.

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Speaker 3: That's what life is. Accepting that you can be in

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Speaker 3: a positive mood and it can be raining outside at

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Speaker 3: the same time. That's what we're trying to get to.

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Speaker 3: We're not trying to get into a positive mood all

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Speaker 3: the time, and we're not trying to be negative all

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Speaker 3: the time. We're trying to accept that I can see

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Speaker 3: both these things coexist, and I'm going to coexist in

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Speaker 3: reality with them. And so I think sadly the reality

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Speaker 3: is that a lot of people can't talk to the

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Speaker 3: people in their life because that person will turn it

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Speaker 3: into an argument and a debate, not a healthy disagreement.

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Speaker 3: But I would challenge each person listening to say, can

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Speaker 3: you be that person to have healthy conversations, to see

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Speaker 3: other sides, to see other opinions without making it a debate,

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Speaker 3: because that's the kind of world we need to live in.

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Speaker 1: And also, and if it's not a relationship that's going

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Speaker 1: to work for you, how do you feel about putting

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Speaker 1: a pause on a relationship or cutting someone off if

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Speaker 1: it's not affecting you in a positive way, or if

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Speaker 1: it's just proven to be too exhaustive.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, if something's always stressing you out and draining you

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Speaker 3: and triggering you, you don't belong there. That's what I'd

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Speaker 3: like to remind people. You don't belong in places that

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Speaker 3: constantly drain and trigger you. Now you start there. Over time,

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Speaker 3: as you strengthen and as you grow, you actually are

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Speaker 3: open to the challenge. So the same environment that used

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Speaker 3: to drain and trigger you when you grow and strengthen spiritually,

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Speaker 3: now you're welcoming the challenge, You're welcoming the discomfort because

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Speaker 3: you recognize you can hold space for it. And finally,

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Speaker 3: you can actually find a way to even thrive in

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Speaker 3: environments that originally used to drain you. And that's what

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Speaker 3: spiritual growth is. Spiritual growth is not running away from

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Speaker 3: painful places. Spiritual growth is strengthening yourself so much that

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Speaker 3: something that used to drain you now challenges you and

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Speaker 3: now actually helps you thrive. In the Geeta, which is

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Speaker 3: the ancient text of India around five thousand years old,

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Speaker 3: the language that's used when translated from Sanskrit is relishing

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Speaker 3: the battle. This idea that you relish the battle because

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Speaker 3: you recognize the battle makes you more alert, The battle

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Speaker 3: makes you more conscious, the battle makes you more present.

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Speaker 3: It's the old adage from Buddhism that says better to

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Speaker 3: be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in

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Speaker 3: a war, and that idea that it's always good to

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Speaker 3: train like a warrior to be able to be able

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Speaker 3: to battle or when you need to, but live in

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Speaker 3: a peaceful garden. Then it is to be a gardener

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Speaker 3: in a war who doesn't know how to deal with

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Speaker 3: that stress and pressure. And so I love to remind

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Speaker 3: people that spiritual growth is strengthening yourself to the point

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Speaker 3: that what used to drain you now actually helps you thrive.

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Speaker 1: Love it, love it. Okay, we're going to take a

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Speaker 1: break and we're going to be right back with Jayshetty If.

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Speaker 2: You'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at Dear

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Speaker 2: Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear

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Speaker 2: your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on,

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Speaker 2: but this week we're specifically looking for questions about family issues.

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Speaker 1: If you have an issue with a family member, or

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Speaker 1: you need.

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Speaker 2: Advice about a specific relationship issue, please write in at

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Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

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Speaker 1: And we're back with Jayshetty. This is off topic, Jay,

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Speaker 1: but you look at yops very nice. Have you been

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Speaker 1: working out?

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Speaker 3: I have been working out. That's the best. I love

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Speaker 3: I appreciate that. That's very sweet. I love it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, great, we're going to take some callers. Catherine, what

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Speaker 1: do we got.

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Speaker 2: We have some tricky ones today, so Jay, I know

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Speaker 2: you'll bring your a game. So our first caller is Michelle.

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Speaker 2: She's calling in from the Midwest. She says, Dear Chelsea,

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Speaker 2: my husband and I have two adult children living at home,

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Speaker 2: twenty five and twenty three, a daughter and a son, respectively.

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Speaker 2: Both my kids, who are really adults, are paying very

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Speaker 2: minimal rent. Our daughter is working full time, planning her

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Speaker 2: future and saving money while paying off her school loan.

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Speaker 2: She has a significant other and plans on moving eventually

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Speaker 2: when the right opportunity presents itself, hopefully soon. Meanwhile, our son,

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Speaker 2: who is on the autism spectrum, is working a part

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Speaker 2: time job about twenty hours a week maximum and has

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Speaker 2: absolutely no plan to try and better himself, forget any

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Speaker 2: kind of schooling training, even though it has all been

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Speaker 2: offered to him countless times. We've tried our best to

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Speaker 2: encourage him his whole life and have given him all

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Speaker 2: the tools he needs to launch himself into adulthood, but

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Speaker 2: he simply refuses. We've set boundaries for behaviors and expectations

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Speaker 2: in regards to his computer gaming, and taught him how

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Speaker 2: to look after himself and the pets in the house

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Speaker 2: when we sometimes travel, but we worry that everything we've

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Speaker 2: given him, why would he ever want to leave? Is

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Speaker 2: it cruel to want him out of the house. There

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Speaker 2: seem to be lots of state programs for people who

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Speaker 2: fall on different places on the spectrum than him, but

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Speaker 2: he doesn't want to explore anything past his current situation.

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Speaker 2: He's just stuck and we don't know what to do

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Speaker 2: to move him forward. Any suggestions, Michelle oh.

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Speaker 1: Hi, Michelle Hi Telsey, Hi, this is our special guest,

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Speaker 1: Jay Shetty's here today.

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Speaker 4: Hi, Jajachelle, thank you so much for taking my question.

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Speaker 1: Oh absolutely, Where is he on the spectrum? Is it

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Speaker 1: prohibitive of him? I mean you said he could do

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Speaker 1: many things, but he's able to work, right, He does work.

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Speaker 5: He has a part time position.

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Speaker 4: It's at a grocery store. He gets a little anxiety,

433
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,639
Speaker 4: you know, he gets heightened at times. I would consider

434
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,159
Speaker 4: him high functioning on the spectrum. However, he does have

435
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:52,359
Speaker 4: some challenges and he's not building a skill set for

436
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,240
Speaker 4: himself because you think he's limiting himself.

437
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 1: Right, right, And he does he have the right counseling?

438
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,159
Speaker 1: Does he have the right therapist? Like does you have

439
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,840
Speaker 1: a support system in that aspect?

440
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,919
Speaker 4: He does have a therapist currently, and he's working for

441
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,080
Speaker 4: the last six years, I think since high school. He's

442
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,240
Speaker 4: been working with this wonderful person. But he has to

443
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,360
Speaker 4: want to take the tools from the toolkit and use them,

444
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:16,560
Speaker 4: so we're trying to.

445
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds to me like he's got a

446
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,520
Speaker 1: pretty good gig, so why would he want to leave?

447
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,240
Speaker 1: Which is what you basically said in your letter, Jayre,

448
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,280
Speaker 1: What are your opening thoughts on this.

449
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 3: Well, Michelle, first of all, thanks thanks for your question,

450
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:32,119
Speaker 3: and I'm sure it's been challenging on both sides. Right

451
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,040
Speaker 3: These things are not easy. And when I think about

452
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,520
Speaker 3: like the question of when's the right time for him

453
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:43,040
Speaker 3: to move out, I think the better question is is

454
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 3: is he aware of what it's going to take. And

455
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:48,919
Speaker 3: it sounds like he is, and as you both just said,

456
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,600
Speaker 3: he seems very comfortable where he is, and so he

457
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 3: has no need And I think when I see people

458
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:58,560
Speaker 3: in that situation, sadly, what really helps someone move is

459
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,680
Speaker 3: recognizing that what is comfortable for them right now isn't

460
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,159
Speaker 3: going to sustain and that actually allows people to build independence.

461
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,480
Speaker 3: And as you said, he has the right support. It's

462
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,359
Speaker 3: not like you're you know, it seems like he's surrounded

463
00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:14,080
Speaker 3: by a really great support system, which is so important

464
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 3: in this scenario. I would encourage you to find ways

465
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,359
Speaker 3: to do it in smaller doses. Is there the ability

466
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 3: for you to travel where he's spending a day on

467
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 3: his own with support of course, a weekend on his

468
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,320
Speaker 3: own at home, even at the house on his own, right,

469
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:33,000
Speaker 3: so he's not moving out yet, how do you kind

470
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 3: of get into that middle ground where he's starting to

471
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,480
Speaker 3: learn to take care of himself in small doses, whether

472
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,959
Speaker 3: it's a weekend, a week whatever that may be. So

473
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,919
Speaker 3: he starts to recognize A he gets confidence that he

474
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 3: can do it, and b he loses the comfort that

475
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,000
Speaker 3: he gets to fall back on with you. And I

476
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 3: think that is what we're really looking at. It's a

477
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,479
Speaker 3: confidence and comfort place. And of course we want him

478
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,840
Speaker 3: to be supported, we want him to be surrounded, making

479
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,680
Speaker 3: sure that he's not, you know, in a position that

480
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,720
Speaker 3: would compromise him or cause discomfort to an extreme sense.

481
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,960
Speaker 3: But at the same time, I think it's doing that.

482
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,119
Speaker 3: You need to go and travel, you need to go

483
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,639
Speaker 3: and live your life. You need to go and you

484
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,600
Speaker 3: know it sounds like you want to go and experience

485
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,320
Speaker 3: things and have more freedom for yourself. I think that

486
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:15,000
Speaker 3: has to happen first in order to help him recognize

487
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 3: that this isn't a sustainable long term position for him,

488
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,040
Speaker 3: and for him to have to build the tools and

489
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 3: rather than going through the big leap and the big

490
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,040
Speaker 3: jump of having his own place, having an apartment, whatever

491
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,520
Speaker 3: that may mean for him, it's starting to do that

492
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,040
Speaker 3: at home. And I think if he starts to see

493
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 3: that and starts to recognize that you're living your life.

494
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 3: He'll then get the conscious independence to go and do

495
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:36,440
Speaker 3: the same.

496
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:39,359
Speaker 4: Yes, I agree, we have done that.

497
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,040
Speaker 5: Actually, we just returned from a trip.

498
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,200
Speaker 4: We were gone for a solid week and the house

499
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,800
Speaker 4: didn't burn down. He's, of course, his sister's here as

500
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 4: while my daughter was here, so she's a couple of

501
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,800
Speaker 4: years older, so she's here to facilitate some things, you know,

502
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:56,560
Speaker 4: problem solving things if needed. But basically we've been able

503
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,040
Speaker 4: to travel, so I'm grateful for that. It's just the

504
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,600
Speaker 4: point of moving him to the next step to get

505
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:04,560
Speaker 4: him confident enough to and also have the income to

506
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,879
Speaker 4: support it as well, which is a challenge because he

507
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 4: is working a part time position and I don't know

508
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,960
Speaker 4: that We're going to have to lean into something that's

509
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:13,280
Speaker 4: a little bit more sustainable.

510
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,879
Speaker 1: Also, I think include him in the planning, you know,

511
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,399
Speaker 1: work together with him to come up with a plan

512
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,320
Speaker 1: so that he is part of his own future, you

513
00:25:22,359 --> 00:25:24,399
Speaker 1: know what I mean. There's one thing to give somebody

514
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:25,800
Speaker 1: else a plan and be like, okay, you have sixty

515
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:27,360
Speaker 1: days and we need you to figure it out, which

516
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,400
Speaker 1: is not what you're suggesting anyway. But to actually give

517
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,919
Speaker 1: him some agency in his own future so that he

518
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 1: can also work with you, Like I we're going to

519
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,440
Speaker 1: all sit together and figure out how we're going to

520
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: move forward and what our timeframe is, what you want

521
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:44,240
Speaker 1: to do, you know, how you're going to do this.

522
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 1: You're going to have to move out at some point,

523
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,400
Speaker 1: so let's figure out what the plan is to get

524
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 1: you in a space, in a spot where you are

525
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,120
Speaker 1: taken care of and you're making enough money to support yourself,

526
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 1: and let him be a part of that process, of course.

527
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,320
Speaker 1: And also when you go away the next time, you know,

528
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,600
Speaker 1: maybe make sure your daughter does give him more of

529
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,479
Speaker 1: the responsibility so that he can't depend on her and

530
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,400
Speaker 1: that she's not like insurance. You know, let him have

531
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,159
Speaker 1: like two days where he's doing everything and he's not

532
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: allowed to ask her for stuff and she he's not

533
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:16,320
Speaker 1: allowed to ask her for backup, to start actually demonstrating

534
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,440
Speaker 1: independence and start acting and living it, and I think

535
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,960
Speaker 1: that will infuse in him some more kind of self

536
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,200
Speaker 1: confidence and self assuredness.

537
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 6: You know.

538
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,600
Speaker 1: I think that's you just kind of have to build

539
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:31,360
Speaker 1: somebody up before you let them fly away. And that's

540
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaker 1: what it sounds like. You guys maybe need to do

541
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,480
Speaker 1: in addition to you know, everything you've already done.

542
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,520
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, I would agree with Chelsea. I think this

543
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 3: it sounds like naturally, you've done this for so long

544
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,359
Speaker 3: and been amazing and been so supportive and been so loving,

545
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:48,920
Speaker 3: and it's always hard when it's almost like you've done

546
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,679
Speaker 3: all of that and then you want it to change.

547
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 3: And I think you're in that in between stage. And

548
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 3: when I look at it from his position, I think

549
00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,280
Speaker 3: Chelsea's planning point is spot on. Like I think he

550
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 3: needs to be in vested in his future, recognize the

551
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,359
Speaker 3: value of it, be able to set timelines with you.

552
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,520
Speaker 3: I think when you set a timeline for someone, it

553
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,160
Speaker 3: becomes a deadline that puts too much pressure on them,

554
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,040
Speaker 3: Whereas if they set the timeline with them, it becomes

555
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,239
Speaker 3: something they can aspire for and work towards. And for me,

556
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,800
Speaker 3: for him, confidence is going to come from competence, and

557
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,080
Speaker 3: competence is going to come from discomfort, and so it's

558
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:27,720
Speaker 3: the removal of comfort that's going to build competence. And

559
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,159
Speaker 3: exactly as Chelsea said that if you can find a

560
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 3: way to really set those boundaries with him and his sister,

561
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:36,359
Speaker 3: so that he's not overly supported beyond what he truly

562
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 3: does need that couldn't be taken away. And it's not

563
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 3: a punishment. It's not done in a negative way. It's

564
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 3: not like, oh, we're going to take this away, you know.

565
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 3: I think it's done in a way to just say, like,

566
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:47,760
Speaker 3: we already believe in you. We can see that you

567
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,640
Speaker 3: have all these amazing skills and you've been working so hard.

568
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,520
Speaker 3: And I think that tone is so important too. I

569
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 3: think when someone feels discouraged, they get disengaged and they

570
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,240
Speaker 3: start to feel like it's not exciting for them, whereas

571
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:04,439
Speaker 3: this could be a really exciting opportunity for him to

572
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:07,440
Speaker 3: really raise to that burians raise to that next level.

573
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:11,160
Speaker 3: And so I really feel looking at it from encouragement, excitement,

574
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 3: aspiration rather than like frustration, stress and comfort, if that

575
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:17,399
Speaker 3: makes sense.

576
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:18,480
Speaker 5: Definitely.

577
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,640
Speaker 4: Yeah, So we are working on encouraging him all the time.

578
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,320
Speaker 4: It's just you know, it's it's going to be a

579
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 4: process and we're working through it. And I think the

580
00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 4: first step would be to move the twenty five year

581
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:31,399
Speaker 4: old out so she wouldn't even be a crutch in

582
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:32,000
Speaker 4: the first place.

583
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:35,560
Speaker 1: So we're worrying, Yeah, and you can motivate her by

584
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:37,240
Speaker 1: telling her that you really are trying to get his

585
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 1: independence going and that you know, like yeah, like but.

586
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 5: We're doing together.

587
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:44,479
Speaker 1: You're doing the lord's work. Thank you for taking care

588
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,600
Speaker 1: of your children. Yeah, and the way it's past the

589
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,320
Speaker 1: time that you're obligated to. So that's very nice.

590
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,760
Speaker 2: Also, And if you're finding that you're having like a

591
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:56,040
Speaker 2: difficult time having these conversations and like really seeing movement,

592
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 2: you could loop in like a counselor you know, somebody

593
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 2: who's a third party or fourth party in this case

594
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 2: with you and your husband and your son, just to

595
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 2: sort of like help you set those boundaries, feel out

596
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:07,440
Speaker 2: what's appropriate in this really specific situation.

597
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 4: Yes, I actually saw a therapist about a year ago,

598
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,160
Speaker 4: and her suggestion to me was to wait it out

599
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,320
Speaker 4: and let him make the decisions.

600
00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 2: Which you might be waiting forever.

601
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, you'll never mind that advice. Let's my mom, this

602
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,600
Speaker 1: is your new these are your new marching orders.

603
00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, thank you, all right, thanks so much.

604
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 3: And Michelle, thank you, Michelle.

605
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,560
Speaker 2: Jay bye bye. I feel like more parents just need

606
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,200
Speaker 2: to start, like when they're in that situation and the

607
00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,560
Speaker 2: child is ready, just start raising the rent like fifty

608
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,080
Speaker 2: or one hundred bucks a month, and soon enough they'll one.

609
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 1: Funny, you have children and you're like, this is gonna

610
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:45,120
Speaker 1: be amazing, and then they're twenty five and twenty six,

611
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:48,320
Speaker 1: you're like, why are they still here? Shinester.

612
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:52,320
Speaker 3: It's so hard. I see. It's it's in South Asian culture.

613
00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:54,120
Speaker 3: It's very prominent as well for people to stay at

614
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 3: home until they get married. And I'm not I'm not

615
00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,120
Speaker 3: for that at all, And you know, I think it's

616
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,400
Speaker 3: so unhealthy. It's almost like, well, now you get married

617
00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:02,920
Speaker 3: and you have to become an adult as soon as

618
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 3: you get married, and it makes the marriage so much harder.

619
00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:08,400
Speaker 3: It's it's really really tough in so many different circumstances.

620
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,360
Speaker 3: Of course, this was very specific in challenging with Michelle.

621
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well we'll check in with her in a

622
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 2: couple months and see where she's at with that.

623
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, you do that.

624
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:18,080
Speaker 5: Well.

625
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,640
Speaker 2: Our next call comes from Libby. She's thirty one. She says,

626
00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,920
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, I was born with a rare medical condition

627
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 2: that has required over fifty surgeries over the course of

628
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,120
Speaker 2: my thirty one years. It has to do with my

629
00:30:30,280 --> 00:30:33,480
Speaker 2: urinary digestive and reproductive tracks and continues to present a

630
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,120
Speaker 2: host of issues. Half my organs are made up of

631
00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 2: other organs, and most recently, this one's fun. I had

632
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 2: to have a vaginal reconstruction using buckle mucoset tissue for

633
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 2: my lower lip like the goddamn movie Teeth. The surgeon

634
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,560
Speaker 2: who operated on me was the first physician to understand

635
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,800
Speaker 2: how to treat people with my condition. Had I been

636
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:53,320
Speaker 2: born just a handful of years earlier, who knows what

637
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 2: the outcome would have been. This actor was brilliant, but

638
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 2: had an ego the size of King Kong. When I

639
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 2: first googled my condition, I found article in which he

640
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,320
Speaker 2: was interviewed. The title of the article the doctor Repairs

641
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:07,440
Speaker 2: Damaged Babies. It goes on to describe people with my

642
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:12,040
Speaker 2: medical condition as experiencing anatomical anarchy, and the physician is

643
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:14,480
Speaker 2: quoted as saying it's hard not to believe in a

644
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 2: Satanic power when looking at bodies ravaged by such a condition.

645
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:21,440
Speaker 2: Needless to say, I didn't take it well, especially as

646
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 2: an Irish Catholic from Boston. I could go on about

647
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,080
Speaker 2: my medical trauma, but I'm looking for advice on how

648
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 2: to date with such a complicated medical history. I have

649
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:32,720
Speaker 2: scars and different medical devices on my body. I have

650
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 2: to do several medical procedures every day just to live

651
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:38,440
Speaker 2: a somewhat normal life. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends, that's right,

652
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 2: twenty first century bitch. But for the last three years

653
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 2: I've felt stuck. As I got closer to thirty, people

654
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:47,040
Speaker 2: began talking about marriage and having kids. I shut down

655
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 2: because the likelihood of me having a child is low,

656
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 2: and even just the idea of letting another person close

657
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,720
Speaker 2: to the mayhem that is my jack in the box

658
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:57,760
Speaker 2: body is exhausting. I'm not lonely, I have lots of friends,

659
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,360
Speaker 2: and I don't even know if I want to get

660
00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 2: married or have CAD, but I'd sure like to at

661
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:04,200
Speaker 2: least be at risk of getting pregnant in my what

662
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,080
Speaker 2: feels like hundreds of medical appointments each year. When they

663
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:10,200
Speaker 2: ask any chance of pregnancy, sometimes I lie just to

664
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,760
Speaker 2: make the medical assistant think I'm getting some but I'm

665
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,959
Speaker 2: not and haven't for well, that's not important. The thing is,

666
00:32:16,080 --> 00:32:18,280
Speaker 2: I know this is a mental block more than anything.

667
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:20,760
Speaker 2: What should I do? How do I let people in?

668
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 2: In every sense of the word.

669
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 1: Libby, Wow, Hi, Libby Hi, nice to meet you. This

670
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,200
Speaker 1: is our special guest, Jay Shaddy's here today.

671
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:31,960
Speaker 3: Hello, Hey, Lebby, nice to meet you.

672
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:34,960
Speaker 1: Well, Libby, the first thing I would say to you

673
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,920
Speaker 1: is that you really need to flip the script in

674
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 1: your head. The fact that you have survived all these

675
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,480
Speaker 1: things makes you a fucking badass. You're a badass. Your

676
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,720
Speaker 1: body has served you, even though it doesn't feel like that.

677
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,440
Speaker 1: And the story that you've been telling yourself is one

678
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:50,760
Speaker 1: and I totally get it. You've been through hell, it

679
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 1: sounds like and that doctor forget about him? Also, you

680
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:56,680
Speaker 1: know what I mean, who cares about him? He helped you,

681
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,360
Speaker 1: and who cares what that article said? That's not your problem.

682
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 1: Let him go do his thing and you move on

683
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:05,040
Speaker 1: to a happy, healthier life. But you're like a survivor.

684
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,440
Speaker 1: You have survived all of this. That is a superpower.

685
00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,800
Speaker 1: That is not a negative. That is a positive. That

686
00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:13,360
Speaker 1: means you are resilient. That means you are tough, and

687
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 1: that means you are able to probably handle anything that

688
00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:20,120
Speaker 1: comes your way. And you need to write that down

689
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:22,760
Speaker 1: and read it to yourself every morning when you wake up,

690
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,880
Speaker 1: that you are a survivor, that you are strong, that

691
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 1: you are resilient and that you are a badass period.

692
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 1: That's what you need to be telling yourself and change

693
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 1: this whole narrative around. Because you're sitting here, you're beautiful,

694
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 1: you're healthy. Yes, you have contraptions on your body. That

695
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 1: doesn't make you any less of a person. In my opinion,

696
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 1: that makes you more of a person.

697
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's definitely an interesting story. It's a good ice

698
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 5: breaker when I meet people.

699
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 1: Absolutely, absolutely a.

700
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:52,000
Speaker 5: Lot of stories to tell.

701
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,200
Speaker 1: I guess well, a lot of stories to tell. But

702
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,160
Speaker 1: think about how you're telling those stories too. You know,

703
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,400
Speaker 1: you don't want to be a victim. You want to

704
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,360
Speaker 1: be like a survivor. You want to be somebody who

705
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:05,479
Speaker 1: has experienced the biggest lows or the you know, the

706
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:09,600
Speaker 1: worst lows that a person can feel physically, emotionally, all

707
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:11,800
Speaker 1: of the things that you've experienced. And you're still sitting

708
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:14,719
Speaker 1: here and you're vibrant, and you're youthful, and you have

709
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 1: your whole life ahead of you. So you have your

710
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,160
Speaker 1: whole life to change this narrative, and it's going to

711
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:21,840
Speaker 1: be much more bountiful for you if you change it

712
00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:23,480
Speaker 1: right now. Jay, what do you think?

713
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:27,279
Speaker 3: Yeah, Libby, I so agree with Chelsea when we were

714
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:32,040
Speaker 3: reading your submission just now, I was like, Libby's funny,

715
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 3: she's clever, she's witty, she's smart, I mean, And that

716
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 3: was just your description of what you've experienced. And now

717
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:45,240
Speaker 3: getting to meet you, really, what you've been through makes

718
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,839
Speaker 3: you stronger than pretty much anyone I know. And I

719
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 3: actually think that that's what relationships really need. Is strength,

720
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:56,640
Speaker 3: is power, is empathy, is compassion. You must have the

721
00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 3: amount you've been through, you must have so much grit

722
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,360
Speaker 3: of compared to anyone I know, And that to me

723
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:08,880
Speaker 3: makes you incredible, like an incredible, incredible person to me.

724
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:14,000
Speaker 3: And here's the reality about dating. Dating's tough for everyone,

725
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,719
Speaker 3: and it's the worst, and it's challenging and everything else. Right,

726
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 3: we know that we've heard that, everyone talks about it.

727
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:23,160
Speaker 3: But what's beautiful about love and what we often forget

728
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,120
Speaker 3: is we think that we say like things like, oh,

729
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,120
Speaker 3: I don't think I'm going to find someone. Well, the

730
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,759
Speaker 3: truth is love is rare. Real love is rare. If

731
00:35:32,800 --> 00:35:35,840
Speaker 3: it wasn't rare, a would we want it? And B

732
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,560
Speaker 3: if we could be with anyone, then why would this

733
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:41,520
Speaker 3: person be special? The fact that love is rare means

734
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:44,799
Speaker 3: You're going to find someone who sees all of this

735
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,799
Speaker 3: and has the reaction that me and Chelsea have where

736
00:35:47,840 --> 00:35:50,920
Speaker 3: they go Libby, you are the strongest person I know,

737
00:35:51,719 --> 00:35:54,320
Speaker 3: Like I am in awe of you and I admire

738
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:57,439
Speaker 3: you deeply. That's the reaction you want. And by the way,

739
00:35:58,719 --> 00:36:00,359
Speaker 3: that's not going to be an easy process. But that

740
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 3: person does exist. That person does exist. There is someone

741
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,160
Speaker 3: out there who may have been through their own stuff,

742
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 3: whether it be emotionally or physically. There's someone out there

743
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 3: who's been through their own challenges, and there's someone out

744
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,759
Speaker 3: there who sees you for your truth. Now, when you

745
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,840
Speaker 3: decide to share the stories, which stories you decide to

746
00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:21,399
Speaker 3: share is totally up to you. Never feel pressured, never

747
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:24,399
Speaker 3: feel stressed. The pacing has to be at your own time.

748
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 3: It has to be when you feel comfortable. But the

749
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,520
Speaker 3: reality is that these stories will keep the right person close.

750
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,040
Speaker 3: And that's what I say to anyone who has any

751
00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:38,279
Speaker 3: challenge like yours. Is something that you've been through that's

752
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,800
Speaker 3: really difficult, even someone who has a particular anxiety about something.

753
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:46,600
Speaker 3: The truth is that just disconnects the wrong people. It

754
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:48,920
Speaker 3: just you know, it attracts the right people, and it

755
00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,600
Speaker 3: distracts the wrong people. And that's how I look at it,

756
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:53,959
Speaker 3: where it's like you're just trying to attract the rare

757
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 3: love that has the ability to understand, be in or

758
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 3: be loving and compassionate and recognize what you've been through.

759
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 3: And you know, I was inspired hearing your story. I'm

760
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:07,239
Speaker 3: amazed that you're sitting here smiling and laughing with us

761
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:11,040
Speaker 3: and telling jokes in your submission, and to me, that's spectacular.

762
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,040
Speaker 3: So honestly, you've inspired me today, and I think you're

763
00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,360
Speaker 3: going to inspire a lot of people. And I really,

764
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:18,719
Speaker 3: really truly am rooting for you. Thank you.

765
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,319
Speaker 5: Yeah, I definitely it's a vetting process for sure. I

766
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,600
Speaker 5: have a lot of really really good friends who you know,

767
00:37:24,640 --> 00:37:26,600
Speaker 5: it's funny because I'm very open with them, and I

768
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,640
Speaker 5: work in healthcare. I tell my disability story all the time.

769
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:32,640
Speaker 5: It's interesting too because it's an invisible disability, like unless

770
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 5: I'm naked, basically you can't see anything different about me.

771
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 5: So there's always kind of this this shock factor when

772
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:42,279
Speaker 5: I reveal it because it's not obvious. So I'm very

773
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 5: very open about it in my professional life because it's

774
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,399
Speaker 5: you know, I'm an advocate and with my friends very

775
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:50,319
Speaker 5: open about it, and you know people have fallen to

776
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 5: the wayside and the way that you're describing, even just platonically,

777
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:58,440
Speaker 5: people over jerks about whatever surgery I had or whatever

778
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:00,879
Speaker 5: this thing that went on, or people just not showing

779
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:03,239
Speaker 5: up for me, you know, right, Like this surgery that

780
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 5: I had in December was again a weird one, a

781
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 5: very interesting one using mouth tissue in a vaginal reconstruction.

782
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,160
Speaker 5: And you know, it was funny with my friends. I

783
00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:13,879
Speaker 5: was excited to tell them in a sense because isn't

784
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,080
Speaker 5: that fucking sick? Is that weird that they can do that?

785
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,440
Speaker 5: And I can be open about it with them. But

786
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:21,359
Speaker 5: it's hard that somebody you want to be sexual with,

787
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 5: you know, because you're like this is this is weird.

788
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:26,200
Speaker 5: You know you're going to see this up close and personal.

789
00:38:26,239 --> 00:38:28,640
Speaker 5: It doesn't look different. I had a gynecology appointment the

790
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:31,920
Speaker 5: other day, got pop reviews. Looks amazing. But you know,

791
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:33,080
Speaker 5: it's just hard. It's hard.

792
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,560
Speaker 1: It's also something that you don't have to share until

793
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 1: you want to share, you know what I mean. It's

794
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,040
Speaker 1: not like you have to It's not like a resume

795
00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:40,680
Speaker 1: where you have to be like this is everything that

796
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:42,880
Speaker 1: I've been through and now, okay, do you want to

797
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 1: have sex with me? Or do you want to date me? Like,

798
00:38:44,719 --> 00:38:47,120
Speaker 1: it's not like that. You as you learn and you

799
00:38:47,160 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 1: grow with someone and you start to trust them, then

800
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 1: you are able to tell them and only when you

801
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,920
Speaker 1: feel like it. It's not you know, obviously, there are certain

802
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 1: things on your body that you're going to want to

803
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,800
Speaker 1: like identify because of your letter that you have to address.

804
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:02,960
Speaker 1: But like what you just mentioned and your vaginal reconstruction

805
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,800
Speaker 1: with your like, who cares. Nobody's gonna know about that anyway.

806
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,319
Speaker 1: I mean, it's a good story, so save it for

807
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 1: somebody who deserves to hear it. And also you have

808
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:13,320
Speaker 1: a huge advantage also that you're not you don't know

809
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: if you want children, you don't know if you want

810
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,520
Speaker 1: a husband, so the pressure also isn't there in that sense.

811
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 1: So you have like all of these great things going.

812
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:23,320
Speaker 1: So please write those first things down that I mentioned

813
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:25,839
Speaker 1: to you as a reminder every single morning when you

814
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:28,759
Speaker 1: get up, what you've survived. How strong you are.

815
00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,279
Speaker 2: I want to recognize too. You know some of these

816
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:33,400
Speaker 2: like joking terms that you use, like the jack in

817
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:35,719
Speaker 2: the box body and that sort of thing, like that

818
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 2: is hard one for you, I know, because you've been

819
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:41,240
Speaker 2: through so much so in order to have like lightness

820
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:44,080
Speaker 2: and levity around this, that probably is something you had

821
00:39:44,080 --> 00:39:46,919
Speaker 2: to like cultivate and like it's it's a life saver

822
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:49,840
Speaker 2: for you. But I also want for you to be

823
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,400
Speaker 2: able to rename some of the tougher stuff and be

824
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 2: able to like send some gratitude and kindness to your body,

825
00:39:55,960 --> 00:39:58,600
Speaker 2: even if that's just like doing a breathing exercise. I'm

826
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,839
Speaker 2: sure Jay can give us one. But putting your hand

827
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,279
Speaker 2: on your heart and thanking your body every day, even

828
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:07,000
Speaker 2: if it's just for a couple seconds, like really recognizing that,

829
00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:10,200
Speaker 2: like your your body is doing wonderful things for you,

830
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 2: even though it's you know, it might feel like a

831
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,920
Speaker 2: betrayal at times. I'm sure it does. But you know,

832
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,800
Speaker 2: some of the tougher stuff, maybe renaming that with something

833
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:23,680
Speaker 2: that feels kinder to your body, that's beautiful.

834
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:26,520
Speaker 5: I'm really grateful some days because I do feel more

835
00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:28,399
Speaker 5: in touch with my body than other people. And even

836
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 5: you know, I'm still very young, but even as my

837
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:33,399
Speaker 5: friends get older, they come to me when there's weird

838
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,160
Speaker 5: things happening in their body and and they know that

839
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:40,360
Speaker 5: I have kind of greater awareness of. Yeah, I've just

840
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:42,799
Speaker 5: had to listen to my body, but now I mean

841
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 5: thanking it. I yes, you know, that's it in a

842
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:46,520
Speaker 5: different way.

843
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. Okay, I love it. I love it. Thank

844
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:49,879
Speaker 1: you so much for.

845
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:54,279
Speaker 5: Calling me today. Yeah, thank you so much. This is

846
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:55,719
Speaker 5: really sweet, very cool.

847
00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: Great, Okay, we're going to take a break and we're

848
00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:01,080
Speaker 1: going to come back and up with We'll take one

849
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:04,840
Speaker 1: more caller and we'll wrap up with Jay Shetty. Please

850
00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:06,319
Speaker 1: tag me for the special because I get so many

851
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,359
Speaker 1: tags about my books, but I'm not getting as many

852
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:10,359
Speaker 1: about my special, and my special is the newest thing out,

853
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:12,520
Speaker 1: so I want to make sure all my ardent fans

854
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:15,359
Speaker 1: are watching it and tagging me, and I'll repost you.

855
00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:22,400
Speaker 1: And yes, it's called the Feeling. And we're back with

856
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,239
Speaker 1: Jay Shetty, who's going on tour you guys, you can

857
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,640
Speaker 1: see him live or is it Jayshetty dot com where

858
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:28,360
Speaker 1: people can get.

859
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:31,000
Speaker 3: Tickets Jayshetty mean Forward slash.

860
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:35,800
Speaker 1: Tour, Jayshetty dot me Forward slash tour Jshetty dot me

861
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,640
Speaker 1: Forward slash Tour. Okay, great, Okay, Catherine, what do we

862
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: have for our last caller.

863
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:45,000
Speaker 2: All right, our last caller is James, he says, Dear Chelsea,

864
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:47,799
Speaker 2: I'm a thirty three year old gay man, and I'm

865
00:41:47,840 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 2: the youngest of four. I have two sisters and a brother.

866
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,720
Speaker 2: My sisters have kids ranging from three to ten years old,

867
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,200
Speaker 2: six total between the two of them. For all of

868
00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:58,759
Speaker 2: our lives, it Wo've been severely emotionally abused by my

869
00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:01,680
Speaker 2: narcissist dad, who also doesn't acknowledge that I'm gay because

870
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 2: he's so conservative. He recently had one of his explosions,

871
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:08,480
Speaker 2: this time in front of the grandkids. My whole family

872
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:11,040
Speaker 2: was crying and emotional, but I was sitting there stoic.

873
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,640
Speaker 2: I accepted a long time ago there's no point in

874
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,960
Speaker 2: trying to tame a monster. My family always seems to

875
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,160
Speaker 2: let him back in after some time has passed, and

876
00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:21,239
Speaker 2: I'm getting to my breaking point with what I should

877
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 2: do if we all continue to allow this behavior. My

878
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,759
Speaker 2: mom recently made an appointment with a divorce attorney, but

879
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,640
Speaker 2: I'm skeptical of the follow through. I've been a vocal

880
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,560
Speaker 2: advocate for separation, and I love my mom more than anything,

881
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:34,600
Speaker 2: so I don't see a scenario where I can leave

882
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:36,799
Speaker 2: her behind. Yet it seems clear that we all need

883
00:42:36,840 --> 00:42:39,439
Speaker 2: to leave him behind. How do I navigate this if

884
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:44,600
Speaker 2: not everyone is on board? Sincerely, James, Hi, cutie, how

885
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:45,719
Speaker 2: are you good?

886
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 5: How are you good?

887
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:49,680
Speaker 1: Your cute little dog is there? This is Jay Shtty,

888
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:50,840
Speaker 1: our special guest today.

889
00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:54,239
Speaker 6: Oh Hi, this is the coolest therapy session I've ever had.

890
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 3: Hey, James, it's so nice to meet here, you too,

891
00:42:57,719 --> 00:42:58,080
Speaker 3: Thank you?

892
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:00,960
Speaker 1: Okay, Jay, I'm gonna let you stick. What are your

893
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:01,880
Speaker 1: thoughts initially?

894
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:04,319
Speaker 3: Well, James, first of all, I'm sorry you're having to

895
00:43:04,360 --> 00:43:06,920
Speaker 3: go through that, because it's the worst when you're in

896
00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:10,240
Speaker 3: a family setup where you're not accepted, you're not seen

897
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:13,440
Speaker 3: for who you are, especially you know, by your father.

898
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:16,240
Speaker 3: And of course it's really really challenging when I find

899
00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 3: that everyone else is able to look beyond someone's flaws

900
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:22,640
Speaker 3: because it may not affect them directly, or it does,

901
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:26,279
Speaker 3: but not as deeply as it's affecting you. I think

902
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,240
Speaker 3: the really big challenge here. Having worked with many people

903
00:43:29,239 --> 00:43:31,680
Speaker 3: in similar setups, even been through similar things on my

904
00:43:31,719 --> 00:43:36,720
Speaker 3: own for myself, I've found that it's really really tough

905
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:41,359
Speaker 3: to push someone in a certain direction, or to want

906
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:45,720
Speaker 3: other people to make decisions that then benefit us better.

907
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,200
Speaker 3: So I'm sure, and I agree with you. I'm sure

908
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:50,640
Speaker 3: you'd want everyone around you to treat your dad in

909
00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:53,719
Speaker 3: a particular way so that it would be better for you,

910
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:57,400
Speaker 3: And I get why, I understand it. The challenge is

911
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:00,440
Speaker 3: all of those people are not going to change completely,

912
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,160
Speaker 3: and even if they change, they're not going to change sustainably.

913
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:05,560
Speaker 3: They're not going to be consistent. As you said, They'll

914
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:07,600
Speaker 3: push them out, let him back in, push them out,

915
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:09,920
Speaker 3: let him back in. And so if I was you,

916
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:13,120
Speaker 3: i'd really really be focused on what you can control

917
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 3: and what you can solve for yourself that allows to

918
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,560
Speaker 3: be allows you to be around people who are empowering

919
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 3: of you, encouraging of you, supportive of you, that are

920
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:24,000
Speaker 3: not draining you, that are not, you know, denouncing who

921
00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,080
Speaker 3: you are, that are not taking away parts of your identity.

922
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:31,160
Speaker 3: But I don't think wanting and wishing and waiting for

923
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:34,719
Speaker 3: all of them to change and see what's happening is

924
00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:36,399
Speaker 3: going to do the job. And I think you could

925
00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:38,680
Speaker 3: waste a lot of your time and energy trying to

926
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:41,520
Speaker 3: convince them to get them there, and you're just going

927
00:44:41,560 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 3: to be exhausted by it. And I'd rather you use

928
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 3: all of that energy not to be exhausted, but to

929
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:49,799
Speaker 3: be engaged in things you love, to move forward with

930
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:52,640
Speaker 3: your life, to build a beautiful life, because I think

931
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,080
Speaker 3: a lot of us waste a lot of time trying

932
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:57,760
Speaker 3: to fix something, then we do trying to move forward.

933
00:44:58,040 --> 00:44:59,839
Speaker 3: And when you're trying to fix something, especially when you're

934
00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:03,080
Speaker 3: trying to fix people and their responses and their behaviors

935
00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:07,279
Speaker 3: and their loyalties and their affinities, you will literally waste

936
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:08,759
Speaker 3: years of your life. And I don't want to see

937
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 3: you waste years of your life because it seems like

938
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:12,480
Speaker 3: you want to have a good life and build a

939
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:14,640
Speaker 3: good one and build a great one. And I can

940
00:45:14,680 --> 00:45:17,000
Speaker 3: see that from your face right now, and I'd rather

941
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:20,120
Speaker 3: you be focusing all your energy on that because that

942
00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:22,480
Speaker 3: will leave you in a place where you'll be able

943
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:26,319
Speaker 3: to feel fulfilled have the life that you desire. And now,

944
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:28,640
Speaker 3: whether everyone here gets you, understands you or not, it

945
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:31,719
Speaker 3: really doesn't matter. It really truly doesn't matter. So that's

946
00:45:31,719 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 3: where i'd like to start.

947
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:34,560
Speaker 1: What do you think about that, James?

948
00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:38,760
Speaker 6: That's kind of where it's like gone since I wrote

949
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:42,279
Speaker 6: in boundaries have been set and it's really it's just

950
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,640
Speaker 6: really hard because I'm like, I'm just disappointed in my

951
00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:48,120
Speaker 6: sister specifically because I'm like, we up all had the

952
00:45:48,160 --> 00:45:50,400
Speaker 6: same shared experience with my dad, and like, why aren't

953
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:53,200
Speaker 6: we all rallying around my mom like we should be,

954
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:57,239
Speaker 6: but they're not because of the grandkids and stuff. And

955
00:45:58,120 --> 00:46:00,320
Speaker 6: so I'm just you know, I've started invest more of

956
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 6: my time and like my neighbors and friends and stuff

957
00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:06,439
Speaker 6: that support me for all these things, and my mom,

958
00:46:06,560 --> 00:46:09,239
Speaker 6: like I've just been inviting her to more things. I'm

959
00:46:09,280 --> 00:46:11,360
Speaker 6: trying to just invest a lot of my time and

960
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:14,120
Speaker 6: can we just start doing things me and you?

961
00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:16,839
Speaker 1: You know, yeah, I think that's great, And I think

962
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,640
Speaker 1: that's great. There's no reason that you need to have

963
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:21,520
Speaker 1: any further exposure to your father, and you can't control

964
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 1: what anyone else in your family's going to do, but

965
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:26,640
Speaker 1: you can set an example by extricating yourself from the situation.

966
00:46:27,080 --> 00:46:28,960
Speaker 1: You know, you love your mom, You could spend time

967
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:30,439
Speaker 1: with your mom. That doesn't mean you have to spend

968
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,040
Speaker 1: time with your father. It doesn't mean you have to

969
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:36,400
Speaker 1: have exposure to his abusive behavior, his outbursts, any of that. Like,

970
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:39,400
Speaker 1: you taking care of yourself is setting the best example.

971
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:41,759
Speaker 1: That you can set for your family, because you don't

972
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: change people by asking them to change, you actually change

973
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:46,920
Speaker 1: by changing you know you, changing your behavior is going

974
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,080
Speaker 1: to have more of an impact on them than telling

975
00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:51,279
Speaker 1: them what they can do. So it sounds like you're

976
00:46:51,320 --> 00:46:53,960
Speaker 1: halfway there, and so double down on all of that

977
00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:56,520
Speaker 1: love and happiness and your friends and your neighbors and

978
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:58,680
Speaker 1: spending time with your mom alone and making sure that

979
00:46:58,719 --> 00:47:01,200
Speaker 1: you show up for and it's not your fault to

980
00:47:01,200 --> 00:47:05,000
Speaker 1: actually usher in their separation or divorce either. Just show

981
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:07,640
Speaker 1: up with love and compassion and be there for her.

982
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:09,839
Speaker 1: And that is the best way for you to like

983
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:13,840
Speaker 1: move through this and just really take care of yourself.

984
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 1: Boundaries have been set. Great, that's the healthiest thing you

985
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:18,640
Speaker 1: can do. You don't have to have exposure to someone

986
00:47:18,680 --> 00:47:19,560
Speaker 1: who's abusive to you.

987
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:23,680
Speaker 6: That's the hardest part because like when we have these

988
00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 6: family get togethers and stuff, I feel like I am

989
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,480
Speaker 6: forced to be exposed to him, and I'm like, I

990
00:47:28,520 --> 00:47:30,359
Speaker 6: am exposed to him, but at the same time, like

991
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,960
Speaker 6: the mental boundaries are there where I'm like, I can

992
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:36,960
Speaker 6: be around you, but I just I have zero respect

993
00:47:37,000 --> 00:47:38,239
Speaker 6: for you. I don't like you at all, Like I

994
00:47:38,239 --> 00:47:40,880
Speaker 6: wish you would go away because we get together like

995
00:47:40,920 --> 00:47:45,040
Speaker 6: every week, so it's it's hard constantly exposed.

996
00:47:45,360 --> 00:47:48,200
Speaker 1: But do you have to go and expose yourself? Like

997
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:51,160
Speaker 1: can't you skip those and spend separate time with your

998
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:52,560
Speaker 1: family where your dad's not there.

999
00:47:53,320 --> 00:47:55,600
Speaker 6: I would love to, like that's kind of where I

1000
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 6: would like to be, but I feel like the family

1001
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:01,799
Speaker 6: dynamic of it, especially with my sisters and stuff. They

1002
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:04,960
Speaker 6: would start kind of hounding me, like you don't want

1003
00:48:04,960 --> 00:48:06,440
Speaker 6: to be part of our kids' lives, like why are

1004
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 6: you skipping this and that? But I mean, I.

1005
00:48:09,440 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 1: But no, that's not fair, that's not fair. They can't

1006
00:48:11,719 --> 00:48:14,520
Speaker 1: expect you to show up in a situation that doesn't

1007
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 1: make you feel good. You can foster a relationship with

1008
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:19,520
Speaker 1: all of these kids without your dad. You can go

1009
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:22,080
Speaker 1: over there when he's not there, so you can do

1010
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:24,200
Speaker 1: all of those things, and I would encourage you to

1011
00:48:24,239 --> 00:48:26,240
Speaker 1: do so, just say, I actually am setting a boundary

1012
00:48:26,239 --> 00:48:28,480
Speaker 1: for my mental health. I'm happy to see your kids.

1013
00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:30,359
Speaker 1: I want to see your kids, but not with our

1014
00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:32,200
Speaker 1: dad there. I'll do my own thing with them. I'll

1015
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:33,239
Speaker 1: make my own plans.

1016
00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:36,680
Speaker 3: Certainly exactly, And I think setting that intention and making

1017
00:48:36,719 --> 00:48:39,520
Speaker 3: it aware that actually, I love you know, I love

1018
00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:40,879
Speaker 3: the kids. I want to spend time with my niece

1019
00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 3: and nephews. I'm going to make memories with them. We're

1020
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:45,400
Speaker 3: going to set experiences with them, Like I think, you

1021
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:48,560
Speaker 3: can be incredible in that area. And actually being in

1022
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:51,040
Speaker 3: that group dynamic is probably stopping you from being your

1023
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:54,319
Speaker 3: whole self with them, and so they're probably not even

1024
00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 3: getting the best version of you. They're not getting the

1025
00:48:57,239 --> 00:48:59,840
Speaker 3: most loving, most beautiful, abundant version of you because you

1026
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,160
Speaker 3: don't get to show that there because you're too busy

1027
00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:04,279
Speaker 3: having to keep your walls up and your guards up

1028
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:07,600
Speaker 3: and of course protect yourself. And so I really think

1029
00:49:07,600 --> 00:49:10,200
Speaker 3: that it's also explaining to them that, hey, actually this

1030
00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:12,440
Speaker 3: is going to be better for everyone because I get

1031
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:14,279
Speaker 3: to be my whole self when I'm with you all.

1032
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:16,520
Speaker 3: I don't get to be my whole self there, and

1033
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,520
Speaker 3: I want more spaces. I can be my whole self

1034
00:49:18,719 --> 00:49:20,520
Speaker 3: with my niece and my nephew, with you know, with

1035
00:49:20,560 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 3: your sisters, with your mom, as you said, and that's

1036
00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:25,160
Speaker 3: just going to bring so much more light and joy,

1037
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 3: and actually they're going to see it. And the truth is, James,

1038
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,560
Speaker 3: this is probably going to remind them of the courage

1039
00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 3: that they know they don't have, because chances are they

1040
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:36,799
Speaker 3: feel the same way. Chances are they'd love to set

1041
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:39,480
Speaker 3: the same boundaries. But it's really hard to do what

1042
00:49:39,480 --> 00:49:42,360
Speaker 3: you're doing. And so if anything, as time goes on,

1043
00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:45,480
Speaker 3: I wouldn't be surprised if someone said to you privately, James,

1044
00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:47,080
Speaker 3: well done for doing that. I've been wanting to do

1045
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,400
Speaker 3: that my whole life. You know, it's off. And that

1046
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:51,120
Speaker 3: goes back to what Chelsea was saying, is that when

1047
00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:54,440
Speaker 3: you're setting the example and doing it not with bitterness,

1048
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:58,200
Speaker 3: not with this like you know, anger, but you're doing

1049
00:49:58,280 --> 00:50:00,000
Speaker 3: it to say, I'm going to be my whole self.

1050
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,040
Speaker 3: I want to be my best self, right, I don't

1051
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:03,640
Speaker 3: want to be my bitter self. And that's going to

1052
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 3: create so much more joy and love in your family

1053
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:09,200
Speaker 3: than they're even used to, and so that will be

1054
00:50:09,239 --> 00:50:11,080
Speaker 3: a really, really beautiful experience for everyone.

1055
00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:12,319
Speaker 1: Thank you.

1056
00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:16,000
Speaker 6: That's where again, I want to get to and I

1057
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:17,759
Speaker 6: feel like I'm on the way there, but it's just

1058
00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:19,840
Speaker 6: hard with seeing them every single week.

1059
00:50:20,120 --> 00:50:22,000
Speaker 1: Yeah no, no, that's too much. It's too much. You're

1060
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:24,360
Speaker 1: not too many anymore. Just take little steps in the

1061
00:50:24,440 --> 00:50:27,759
Speaker 1: right direction of everything that we've said, and you're going

1062
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:29,840
Speaker 1: to be in a better healthy space and you're going

1063
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:32,239
Speaker 1: to actually be more emotionally available for your family and

1064
00:50:32,239 --> 00:50:36,839
Speaker 1: friends once you have less exposure to your father. So okay, well,

1065
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,279
Speaker 1: will you touch base with us in a couple of

1066
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:39,919
Speaker 1: months and let us know how everything's going.

1067
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:41,040
Speaker 6: Yes, thank you?

1068
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:42,799
Speaker 1: Okay, cutie, this was so great.

1069
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:43,560
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.

1070
00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:47,799
Speaker 1: You're so welcome. Thanks for calling in Bie. Okay, Jay,

1071
00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:49,880
Speaker 1: we have to get you out of here now. Everyone

1072
00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:52,359
Speaker 1: can go see Jay on tour. It's his on Purpose tour.

1073
00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:54,640
Speaker 1: You can listen to his On Purpose podcast, which is

1074
00:50:54,640 --> 00:50:57,560
Speaker 1: an award winning podcast. He has a best selling book.

1075
00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:00,000
Speaker 1: I mean, he's everywhere. You can follow him on instag,

1076
00:51:00,080 --> 00:51:02,799
Speaker 1: Graham at j Shenny and if you want tickets, it's

1077
00:51:02,880 --> 00:51:16,359
Speaker 1: jashddy dot com Forward slash Tour righta met.

1078
00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:14,840
Speaker 3: Sell it to me Ja Shetty won't sell me the

1079
00:51:14,880 --> 00:51:15,640
Speaker 3: dot com whoever?

1080
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:18,200
Speaker 1: I know I had that problem once too, but I

1081
00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:21,080
Speaker 1: got my name back the Sorry.

1082
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,800
Speaker 3: Sorry, I know, I'm trying. I'm trying.

1083
00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:28,040
Speaker 1: Okay, have a great day. Jay was so wonderful to see.

1084
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:29,799
Speaker 3: Enjoy the rest of your time skiing, and I hope

1085
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:31,360
Speaker 3: I get to see you soon in best and this

1086
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,880
Speaker 3: is so much fun. Thanks for having me, You're the best.

1087
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:35,719
Speaker 1: Bye bye, Thank you you guys, thank you.

1088
00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:37,279
Speaker 3: So much, so much fun.

1089
00:51:38,480 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: Do do do do do do, drum roll, Catherine please

1090
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:47,640
Speaker 1: and abroad broad is my European tour. So I'm coming

1091
00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:52,160
Speaker 1: to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get

1092
00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:55,279
Speaker 1: the health out of this fucking country. And it's not

1093
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,799
Speaker 1: as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm,

1094
00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:05,600
Speaker 1: to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never

1095
00:52:05,760 --> 00:52:11,120
Speaker 1: ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming

1096
00:52:11,840 --> 00:52:13,520
Speaker 1: abroad is abroad.

1097
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:14,080
Speaker 2: That sounds like fun.

1098
00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:16,400
Speaker 1: I'm going to go see you abroad. I know I

1099
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,719
Speaker 1: want to go see me abroad and there all be there,

1100
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:20,840
Speaker 1: all be excellent.

1101
00:52:21,239 --> 00:52:21,600
Speaker 2: Okay.

1102
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:24,480
Speaker 1: My remaining dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for

1103
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:30,560
Speaker 1: this year. Summertime is coming and I will be in

1104
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:34,959
Speaker 1: Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth.

1105
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:37,920
Speaker 1: We will be the next date that I'm there, July fifth,

1106
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:42,880
Speaker 1: August thirtieth, and then November one and twenty ninth, November

1107
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:46,319
Speaker 1: first and November twenty ninth, I will be in Las

1108
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:50,280
Speaker 1: Vegas at the Cosmo performing Inside Myself at the Chelsea.

1109
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:53,360
Speaker 1: It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason. Okay,

1110
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:54,239
Speaker 1: thank you.

1111
00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:57,720
Speaker 2: Do you want advice from Chelsea? Right into Dear Chelsea

1112
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:01,360
Speaker 2: Podcast at gmail dot com. In full video episodes of

1113
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:04,520
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.

1114
00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive

1115
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:11,520
Speaker 2: producer Katherine law And be sure to check out our

1116
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:15,160
Speaker 2: merch at Chelseahandler dot com.