1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,680 Speaker 1: If we think that someone can be toxic and be 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,280 Speaker 1: a toxic person, then we believe that we could be 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: a bad person. But if we realize that someone can 4 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: have toxic habits and still be a good person underneath 5 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,720 Speaker 1: those habits, then that's how we are. We could be 6 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,400 Speaker 1: a person with bad habits, but underneath those bad habits, 7 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,120 Speaker 1: we have the potential and the choice to be good 8 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:32,960 Speaker 1: and to be great. Hey, everyone, welcome back to our Purpose, 9 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,159 Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to 10 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 1: each and every single one of you that come back 11 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: every week to listen, learn and grow. Now, I have 12 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: got some very very exciting news. I've got some great 13 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: news to share on Purpose has been nominated for two 14 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 1: Webby Awards this year, and we need your help voting. 15 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,080 Speaker 1: The deadline is in les than a couple of weeks, 16 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: so please vote today, Vote now. The link will be 17 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,400 Speaker 1: at the top of the description and will take you 18 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,039 Speaker 1: straight to the voting page. Now, there are two awards 19 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 1: to vote for, so make sure you vote for both 20 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 1: of them. It will literally take thirty seconds, and honestly 21 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: it would mean the world to me. We already won 22 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:22,319 Speaker 1: the AMBI this year, which is the Podcast Academy Oscar 23 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: Style Award basically for best health and Wellness Podcasts. And 24 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to all of you, But this vote 25 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 1: is up to you. This one is all about you, 26 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: so make sure you go check it out. It would 27 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,760 Speaker 1: mean the world to me because of you. We won 28 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,319 Speaker 1: two Webby Awards last year. We'd love to add two more. 29 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: And again, I just love, love, love the support that 30 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,440 Speaker 1: you all give me through reviews and votes. It means 31 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:47,120 Speaker 1: the world. So today I wanted to do this episode 32 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: because I realize that throughout our lives, we generally assume 33 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 1: that people think like us. We assume that people talk 34 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 1: like us, assume that people will communicate like us. We 35 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: make a lot of assumptions in life, and most of 36 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,720 Speaker 1: our assumptions is that people will project or reflect our 37 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: own values and characteristics. Hence, when someone acts out of alignment, 38 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: we wonder why did that happen? But why would they 39 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: do that? Why would they act in that way? So, 40 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:23,880 Speaker 1: even if you're there saying Jay, no, no, no, I 41 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: know that people are different to me, but then why 42 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: do we get so surprised and shocked when they act different, 43 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 1: when they deal with conflict differently? Why is it that 44 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 1: we find that so fascinating. Why is it that we 45 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:40,000 Speaker 1: get so lost and so absorbed in analyzing the way 46 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 1: other people live. I think what's fascinating about this is 47 00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:46,080 Speaker 1: that we haven't learned to understand that we are coming 48 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:49,360 Speaker 1: across different types of people in our life. And I'd 49 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,919 Speaker 1: like to add a strong disclaimer any trait or characteristic 50 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,480 Speaker 1: or quality that I state in this podcast. A person 51 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,960 Speaker 1: is not a trait, A person is not a characteristic. 52 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:05,720 Speaker 1: A person at the human essence of it is consciousness 53 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,399 Speaker 1: and energy and is pure. But often we all get 54 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 1: covered over by characteristics and traits. So when we hear 55 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:17,200 Speaker 1: the language toxic person, that doesn't actually make sense. It's 56 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: a toxic trait, it's a toxic habit, it's a toxic characteristic. 57 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: And I want you to add this to your way 58 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: of thinking, because the way we think about others comes 59 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: from how we think about ourselves. If we think that 60 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: someone can be toxic and be a toxic person, then 61 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: we believe that we could be a bad person. But 62 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: if we realize that someone can have toxic habits and 63 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,360 Speaker 1: still be a good person underneath those habits, then that's 64 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,120 Speaker 1: how we are. We could be a person with bad habits. 65 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,760 Speaker 1: But underneath those bad habits, we have the potential and 66 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:55,040 Speaker 1: the choice to be good and to be great. So today, 67 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,760 Speaker 1: in this podcast, I'm going to talk to you about 68 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,160 Speaker 1: the ten types of people you will meet in your 69 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: life and how to deal with them. Some of these 70 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 1: are people who are going to bring amazing things to 71 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,880 Speaker 1: your life. Some of these are going to be people 72 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 1: who take things from your life. Some of these people 73 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 1: are going to be people that surprise you in a 74 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: healthy or unhealthy way. And the reason why I want 75 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 1: you to be aware of this is as you listen 76 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,320 Speaker 1: to this episode, I want you to think about people 77 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,480 Speaker 1: in your life, and I want you to think about 78 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,839 Speaker 1: editing your relationship with them. What I've found is when 79 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: something happens in the news, or something happens in celebrity culture, 80 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:33,279 Speaker 1: or something happens in the zeitgeist or mainstream culture, we 81 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:38,080 Speaker 1: all get so obsessed with analyzing it. We analyze every angle, 82 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:45,359 Speaker 1: every perspective, every vantage point. Right. We literally overwhelmingly dive 83 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:50,680 Speaker 1: deep into the psychology and the analysis and the mindset. 84 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:56,280 Speaker 1: But in our own lives we often miss that same opportunity, 85 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:01,320 Speaker 1: that opportunity to dive deep, that opportunity to introspect and reflect. 86 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:05,720 Speaker 1: And here's my very strong belief. If we paid attention 87 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,920 Speaker 1: to our lives the way we pay attention to other 88 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 1: people's lives, our lives would be incredible. And I want 89 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,919 Speaker 1: today to be an opportunity where you think about the 90 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:24,040 Speaker 1: people in your life, where you think about the people 91 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:29,360 Speaker 1: on your journey, and you sit back and you ask yourself, 92 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 1: where do I need to edit how I feel? I 93 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,720 Speaker 1: said something to my wife today. We had a phone call. 94 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,640 Speaker 1: We've been catching up. She's been in London for work. 95 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 1: I'm in la Before I dive in, I just want 96 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 1: to share this And I said something to Rather, and 97 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:44,919 Speaker 1: I really meant it. I said, Rather, you know what, 98 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: I trust you. I trust that when you're with people, 99 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 1: you pass on the good you have in you rather 100 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:56,120 Speaker 1: than take on some of the challenges that they may have. 101 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,880 Speaker 1: And this is the way we want to be. We 102 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,760 Speaker 1: want to be people who are able to influence in 103 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: a positive way, take positive influence, but not negatively influence 104 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: others and not negatively be influenced. That's who we want 105 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: to be, right. We want to be people who can 106 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: positively influence other people's lives. We also want to be 107 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,680 Speaker 1: people who can learn from other people's positives, and we 108 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 1: can learn something from truly anyone and everyone. At the 109 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,960 Speaker 1: same time, we want to be someone who doesn't negatively 110 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,119 Speaker 1: influence someone, but we also want to be someone who's 111 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,919 Speaker 1: not negatively influenced by others. So let's dive into these 112 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 1: ten people, and the first is we come across the overachiever, 113 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: the productive one. How many of you know someone in 114 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:46,440 Speaker 1: your life who's a high achiever, a high performer. They're 115 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:52,040 Speaker 1: highly productive, they're highly effective, and let's be honest, sometimes 116 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: they make you feel insecure. They make you feel inferior 117 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: or unqualified. Now, there are two ways this high performer 118 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,839 Speaker 1: can do that. One is that they're just sharing what 119 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,479 Speaker 1: they're up to and you feel that way, or there's 120 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,520 Speaker 1: someone who makes you feel that way. Notice there are 121 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:15,240 Speaker 1: two different types. Not everyone who's a high performer will 122 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: make you feel bad that you're not a high performer. 123 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: But some people will go out of their way, and 124 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:25,320 Speaker 1: that's usually an insecure high performer. So any trait I 125 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:30,040 Speaker 1: give you will have a secure expression and an insecure expression. 126 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 1: An insecure expression of a personality type is when you 127 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: make someone else feel inferior to you, to feel superior. 128 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: A secure expression of a personality type is just sharing 129 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,800 Speaker 1: something because that's the truth, that's the reality. I often 130 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: say to people, I wake up at six am, or 131 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 1: I'm highly productive and effective throughout the day, and I'm 132 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: not trying to do that to make someone feel like 133 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: they should do that. And I will actually often caveat 134 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: and say, by the way, this is just how I 135 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 1: choose to live my life. This is what I love, 136 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: this is what I enjoy, this is what my purpose is. 137 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: This is what I extract meaning and fulfillment from right 138 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: and that brings me great joy. It brings me great 139 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 1: excitement and enjoyment in my life, and that's why I 140 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 1: do it. But that doesn't mean that someone can't have 141 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 1: fun by not being productive or effective. But an insecure 142 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:26,200 Speaker 1: expression is to say, well, you know, no wonder you're struggling. 143 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:30,800 Speaker 1: I mean you're in bed till ten am, or you know, oh, well, 144 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: you know, I work really hard, and I see that 145 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,000 Speaker 1: you're just being lazy all the time and you're just 146 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 1: on social media. And you know when you hear that, 147 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 1: that can be very triggering. Now here's the thing. You 148 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,360 Speaker 1: can either leave that conversation and spend the whole journey 149 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:51,320 Speaker 1: home talking about how egotistic that person is, how narcissistic 150 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,839 Speaker 1: they are, how you know negative they are, and how 151 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: they treat you. And none of that has a positive 152 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,480 Speaker 1: impact on you. None of that improves your life. None 153 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:05,959 Speaker 1: of that changes the quality of your mind. If anything, 154 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,400 Speaker 1: it degrades your mind, It pulls you down. But actually, 155 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 1: if you're in that scenario and you start to think, well, 156 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 1: what do I want to do with my life? Who 157 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,560 Speaker 1: is it that I want to be, what do I value? 158 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: What do I want to work hard for? Do I 159 00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 1: want to work hard at all? And if I could 160 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,440 Speaker 1: be more productive, what could I be more productive for? 161 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:31,079 Speaker 1: Is there a reason for it? Notice how, just as 162 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 1: there can be a secure and insecure expression of a 163 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: personality type, there can be a reflective or a critical 164 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:46,160 Speaker 1: reaction to that personality type. And you see this time 165 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: and time again. Today in society we have developed the 166 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:58,199 Speaker 1: ability to be critical, but not critical thinkers. We don't 167 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 1: know how to think critically anymore. We simply know how 168 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:05,480 Speaker 1: to think critically, right, We don't know how to be 169 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:10,199 Speaker 1: critical thinkers. We just know how to be critical. So 170 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,079 Speaker 1: we may walk away from an interaction and be critical, 171 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:18,800 Speaker 1: But that criticism doesn't create any power in our life. 172 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:23,319 Speaker 1: What creates power in our life is the ability to reflect, 173 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:28,079 Speaker 1: the ability to introspect, the ability to ask those questions. 174 00:10:28,679 --> 00:10:31,120 Speaker 1: I was speaking to a friend recently who was saying 175 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: that he was signed by a bunch of new people, 176 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: and a lot of those people were doing everything from 177 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:43,560 Speaker 1: you know, going on skiing holidays. They were wearing fancy watches. 178 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,840 Speaker 1: They were talking about the suit they just bought. You know, 179 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: they were talking about those things, and they weren't doing 180 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,960 Speaker 1: it to make him feel inferior. They were just talking 181 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 1: about their lives. They may have been slightly disconnected from reality, 182 00:10:55,200 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 1: but that's fair. That's their reality. And so the understanding 183 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,800 Speaker 1: here is he went away and he was feeling like, gosh, 184 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: I don't fit in I don't ski, I don't have 185 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,240 Speaker 1: this watch. Oh my gosh, I'm looking at my fifty 186 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,520 Speaker 1: dollar watch that I have, and you know, what's that 187 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,840 Speaker 1: got to do with anything? And you know, maybe I 188 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 1: don't fit in here. Now. It's interesting that there could 189 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,000 Speaker 1: be a few reactions. That's one of them. Another reaction 190 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: could be, Okay, well I need to go get watches 191 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,600 Speaker 1: and I need to go get a skiing trip, and 192 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,640 Speaker 1: then the highest response is saying, well, maybe I need 193 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 1: to think about it. If I want to travel at all, 194 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,520 Speaker 1: maybe I need to think about what kind of life 195 00:11:37,559 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: I want to live. Notice how every opportunity when you 196 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:45,840 Speaker 1: meet someone is an opportunity to go inward. Every connection 197 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: outward is an opportunity to go inward if you choose it. 198 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: Otherwise you get so wrapped up in the externalities of 199 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,120 Speaker 1: that individual that you can get so absorbed in their 200 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: life without actually moving forward in yours. The second type 201 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 1: of person is the care free or the time waster. 202 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:07,960 Speaker 1: The secure expression is the care free. They're content, they're 203 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,240 Speaker 1: happy with time just flying by and passing by. They 204 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 1: don't pay much attention to it. And the other person 205 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:16,480 Speaker 1: is the time waster. They may complain that they're not 206 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: getting enough done, they may be sad that they don't 207 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:25,000 Speaker 1: feel productive and effective. They complain about it, but in 208 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:29,480 Speaker 1: reality it doesn't make sense because they're the ones wasting 209 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 1: their time. So you may see both expressions of this, 210 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: and you can't judge one for the other. I hope 211 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,240 Speaker 1: what I'm also sharing with you today is a lack 212 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,360 Speaker 1: of judgment. You know, I look back in my life, 213 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 1: there have been times when I've been a time waster. 214 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,840 Speaker 1: There's been times when I've been a insecure overachiever. There's 215 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: been times in my life where I've been all these things, 216 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,320 Speaker 1: and that makes me more compassionate and empathetic to when 217 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 1: people have those things too. So when a time waster 218 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,679 Speaker 1: is reflecting it as being content because they're secure in 219 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 1: that way, don't force them to change. Allow them to 220 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,680 Speaker 1: be that way. It's actually beautiful that they're that way. 221 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: Respect that, admire it, almost rewarded. Let them repeat it. 222 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:12,199 Speaker 1: If they're content in being carefree, Let's actually champion that. 223 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,720 Speaker 1: Let's be people who notice that secureness in people. I 224 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,720 Speaker 1: have a few clients that I'll constantly say to them, 225 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 1: I am so grateful for how self aware you are. Now. 226 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: The reason I keep repeating that, I may repeat that 227 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,679 Speaker 1: multiple times on a call, or multiple times are multiple calls, 228 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,960 Speaker 1: because I realize that people don't realize what they do well. 229 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,959 Speaker 1: We all realize what we do badly. If you did 230 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: your skin routine perfectly every day for a week, you 231 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: wouldn't stop and say, I've had seven days. I'm doing 232 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: so great. But if you missed one day, you'd be like, 233 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,400 Speaker 1: oh gosh, I missed it. That's why I've got this 234 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,160 Speaker 1: spot on my face, and that's why I don't feel 235 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: fresh and glowy and all the rest of it. Right, 236 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 1: Notice how we're so quick to pick apart our lack 237 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 1: of performance. Then we are to pull ourselves up. And 238 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: so I do that for my clients and friends and family, 239 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,160 Speaker 1: and I want you to do it for yourself, and 240 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,240 Speaker 1: I want you to do it for others. Now, the 241 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,880 Speaker 1: other side, the time waster, the insecure expression is almost 242 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,840 Speaker 1: like they try to pull you down. So they say, 243 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,160 Speaker 1: will you do too much work? You need to reduce 244 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: the amount of time you'd spend at work. Oh my gosh, 245 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,600 Speaker 1: you're always working. You're always busy, And that's an insecure 246 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,600 Speaker 1: expression of that. And when you hear those terms like 247 00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,840 Speaker 1: oh you're always busy for everyone, you just prioritize your 248 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,960 Speaker 1: work like you know that passive aggressive almost That may 249 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 1: make you feel uncomfortable and you may think, well, why 250 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 1: don't you work and why don't you do this? And 251 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: that's you kind of get into that bitterness. We know 252 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:37,480 Speaker 1: we have these two options, bitterness or bitterness, and bitterness 253 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 1: creates more bitterness inside of us. And it's not a fun, 254 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 1: feeling right. You don't like sitting there feeling like, oh, well, 255 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 1: maybe you should do some work, or maybe if you 256 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 1: worked harder, you'd know Like those feelings don't do they 257 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: fill you up. They don't feel me up, Like I 258 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 1: don't feel a sense of excitement or joy or you know, 259 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,800 Speaker 1: I don't feel a sense of I don't know, I 260 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: don't I don't feel a sense of as faction when 261 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 1: I hear or experience those things inside my own head. 262 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 1: And so when I hear that from people, you just 263 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,560 Speaker 1: let it go. You realize it's an insecure expression of themselves. 264 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: You let it go in one ear out the other. 265 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,480 Speaker 1: You continue to do your thing. Of course, this is 266 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 1: different if it's your partner or if it's you're a 267 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: loved one who's really trying to look out for you, 268 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: where you would want to listen, you would want to 269 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 1: take that into account and understand them. And I think 270 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 1: that's something we have to do better in this scenario 271 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 1: as well. Is even then shut it out, we have 272 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,400 Speaker 1: to be curious and say, well, what would you say 273 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 1: I do at that time? What would you say that? 274 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 1: And really be curious, really ask it with sincerity, what 275 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,600 Speaker 1: I'm trying to do is avoid you getting lost and 276 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 1: being pulled down. I want you to be able to 277 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,120 Speaker 1: either pull people up or keep going, but I don't 278 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,320 Speaker 1: want you to get pulled down. We've been getting so 279 00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,280 Speaker 1: many amazing reviews for The Daily Jay, my new daily 280 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,360 Speaker 1: guided meditation series on the car Map. You might have 281 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: heard a couple of snippets on the podcast for a 282 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: few weeks, so in case you haven't had the chance 283 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,280 Speaker 1: to check it out, I just wanted to share this 284 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 1: review from Caitlin, an elementary school teacher from New Jersey. 285 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: He's what she had to say. I have over nine 286 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,120 Speaker 1: years of experience in the American public school education system, 287 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 1: including teaching throughout the pandemic. Over the past two years, 288 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 1: I have seen extreme cases of anxiety and my students 289 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,520 Speaker 1: like never before. Many of these children have never experienced 290 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 1: these feelings before, and most are not even sure of 291 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,480 Speaker 1: what they are feeling. My school district has spent a 292 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 1: great deal of time focusing on social emotional learning sel 293 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: through this school year. We try to teach coping skills 294 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 1: and focus on teaching kids how to deal with their 295 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,360 Speaker 1: feelings and become the best version of themselves. As someone 296 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: who has also been experiencing the many anxieties of the 297 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 1: world today. I have recently downloaded the car map thanks 298 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,600 Speaker 1: to my mom. My mom and I are big fans 299 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: of yours, and once she heard that you will have 300 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,560 Speaker 1: seven minutes of Daily Jay each day, she encouraged me 301 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: in doing this. Your meaningful ideas and meditation have quickly 302 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: become part of my daily routine that I've begun incorporating 303 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,080 Speaker 1: some of them into my sel morning meetings with my 304 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,720 Speaker 1: third graders. If you've ever wanted to meditate with me, 305 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,119 Speaker 1: join me on the carm app for the Daily J, 306 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,080 Speaker 1: a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm 307 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:18,199 Speaker 1: in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant 308 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:21,479 Speaker 1: life and simple steps for positive actions to get you 309 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me 310 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 1: by going to calm dot com forward slash Jay to 311 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:30,840 Speaker 1: get forty percent off a Calm Premium membership that's only 312 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,639 Speaker 1: forty two dollars for the whole year for a daily 313 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:40,000 Speaker 1: guided meditation experience the Daily J only on Calm. The 314 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: third is the undercover, envious or jealous one. Maybe they smile, 315 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:50,360 Speaker 1: maybe they congratulate you, but you feel that The insecure 316 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:54,720 Speaker 1: expression of this one is that they pretend to be nice, 317 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 1: or they may don't even pretend and they just pull 318 00:17:56,600 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: you down. The secure expression of someone who may be envious, jealous, 319 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,400 Speaker 1: and they're doing this in a secure way is well, 320 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,000 Speaker 1: I'd love to learn from you. They may say to you, 321 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,120 Speaker 1: can you teach me? Can you help me? They may 322 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,640 Speaker 1: congratulate you, but they may say it's amazing, I wish 323 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,199 Speaker 1: I could do the same thing. That's somewhat more of 324 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:17,480 Speaker 1: a secure expression. The insecure expression is when they pretend 325 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: to be happy for you, but you know inside that 326 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,920 Speaker 1: they don't really quite feel happy. This can be really 327 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,000 Speaker 1: uncomfortable to deal with. This can be really really uncomfortable 328 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 1: to deal with because it just makes you feel bad. 329 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,159 Speaker 1: It makes you feel guilty, It doesn't want you to 330 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: be close to them. And maybe this is someone in 331 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 1: your circle that is around you a lot. And one 332 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,959 Speaker 1: of the things I've found and this made me realize 333 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,440 Speaker 1: who my real friends were and who weren't. I found 334 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 1: that my real best friends are people I can share 335 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 1: my highs with and my lows with. They're people that 336 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:47,960 Speaker 1: if I told them the best thing that happened in 337 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,240 Speaker 1: my life, they wouldn't judge me, and if I told 338 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 1: them the worst thing in my life, they wouldn't leave me. Right, 339 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: that's a friend. A friend, A real friend is someone 340 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,119 Speaker 1: who doesn't judge you in your best time and doesn't 341 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:04,400 Speaker 1: leave you in your worst times when we're going through 342 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 1: our best moments. A lot of the time, false friends 343 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: will judge us. They will be envious, they'll be jealous, 344 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:15,760 Speaker 1: they'll think lower of us. But the key is we 345 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,520 Speaker 1: all have people in our life who have, again secure 346 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:22,160 Speaker 1: and insecure expressions of this. So what do we do. 347 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: One of the things I do with anyone that I 348 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: know has a sense of envy or jealousy is you, 349 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,880 Speaker 1: of course, don't share things that trigger them. You don't 350 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:38,120 Speaker 1: try to share things that would concern them or make 351 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:43,119 Speaker 1: them feel that way. And when that happens, usually you 352 00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,880 Speaker 1: struggle with that because you want to talk about that. Now. 353 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,960 Speaker 1: The mistake we make is we also overplay our issues, 354 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 1: and that I saw I did that for a long 355 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 1: time around people that I was scared felt that way. 356 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: I would overplay my issues and my problems and I 357 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: would complain to them, And I realized that didn't make 358 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,560 Speaker 1: me happy either, because now I was becoming more of 359 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,440 Speaker 1: a complainer, and I didn't want to be that person. 360 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: So notice, just because you don't tell them you're positives, 361 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you have to highlight your negatives. The 362 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,200 Speaker 1: best thing is to do is be neutral and ask 363 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:13,919 Speaker 1: them questions, support them in their journey, help them, guide them, 364 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,520 Speaker 1: coach the mentor them if you can see how you 365 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,000 Speaker 1: can support them and help them if you want, and 366 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,320 Speaker 1: if they're close enough. The fourth type of person is 367 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: what I call the supporter for no reason, someone who 368 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 1: supports you for no reason. I have a wonderful friend 369 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 1: that i'm thinking about right now, and I hope she's listening, 370 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,760 Speaker 1: and I would actually now that I start thinking of her, 371 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,200 Speaker 1: I would actually say, there's about three people I'm thinking 372 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,240 Speaker 1: of right now. These people have supported me for no reason. 373 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,080 Speaker 1: And when I say no reason, what I mean by 374 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:49,840 Speaker 1: that is they are just loving, kind, giving, supportive because 375 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: they want to be They value what I do, they 376 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,119 Speaker 1: care about me, and they're support us for no reason. 377 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,199 Speaker 1: Tell them how much you love them, make time for 378 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,879 Speaker 1: them messes right now, and tell them that you value 379 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: them and love them. Those people are so special that 380 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,879 Speaker 1: they're often forgotten. They're the people that introduce you to 381 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,120 Speaker 1: some of the most amazing people. They're the people who 382 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,440 Speaker 1: the in between or the go between, that get forgotten, 383 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,239 Speaker 1: that get hidden, that get lost. Please don't be one 384 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:19,160 Speaker 1: of those people that forgets them, that misses out on them, 385 00:21:20,119 --> 00:21:24,960 Speaker 1: because you have so much to be thankful for with them, 386 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:30,480 Speaker 1: and I'm so excited for you to experience that for 387 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:33,639 Speaker 1: the rest of your life and never let it go. 388 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,280 Speaker 1: So what's the secure expression of the supporter? We know 389 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,080 Speaker 1: what that feels like. What's the insecure expression of the 390 00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: supporter is when they message you and they're upset that 391 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: you didn't tell them about something right now. That person 392 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,040 Speaker 1: still wants to support you, but they're having an insecure 393 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,320 Speaker 1: expression of it where they want to be your only cheerleader, 394 00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:58,119 Speaker 1: they want to be your main go to person, And 395 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 1: that becomes a challenge because you know, you're just like, well, 396 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: why didn't you know about this? Or why why does 397 00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:08,399 Speaker 1: it work that way? Or why do we get lost 398 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 1: with this whole situation? And so those people as well, 399 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,399 Speaker 1: you still want to acknowledge them, receive them because they 400 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,000 Speaker 1: do want to support you. And even if they're annoying, 401 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,160 Speaker 1: we're more annoyed by people who don't want to support us, 402 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,919 Speaker 1: so it's worth not missing out on them as well. 403 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 1: So the fifth one is the needy one, the insecure expression. 404 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: We all know that person is always messaging you, who 405 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 1: always needs you, who always compares you to other people 406 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: and says, oh, well, you're never there for me, or 407 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,879 Speaker 1: oh you aren't there, you forgot about this day or birthday, 408 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,640 Speaker 1: or you know, you never show up for me. It's 409 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 1: someone who wants a lot from you. I realized I 410 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 1: struggled with this one for a long time because I'm 411 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,360 Speaker 1: married to someone who doesn't demand a lot from me, 412 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,800 Speaker 1: and I don't demand a lot from her, and we 413 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,040 Speaker 1: enjoy that space in our relationship. And so often i'd 414 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,360 Speaker 1: say to people, I'd be like, you want more from 415 00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:04,240 Speaker 1: me than my wife wants from me. And sometimes there 416 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,200 Speaker 1: were men like, you know, it's people and my life friends, 417 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,439 Speaker 1: and I would just say, I can't live up to 418 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 1: that because even my wife, my mom, my dad, they 419 00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,320 Speaker 1: give me space and it's hard. So I was very 420 00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,240 Speaker 1: honest with them, because to me, the honesty is what 421 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 1: cleared the air of expectation. Sometimes, because we want to 422 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,160 Speaker 1: be people pleasers, we feed into the needy people because 423 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,280 Speaker 1: we don't want them to think we're bad people, but 424 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: then we eventually end up letting them down anyway. Right, 425 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,000 Speaker 1: how many times have you tried to please a needy 426 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 1: person and you let them down anyway? Because so many 427 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: people are not going to be pleased by whatever you 428 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:44,520 Speaker 1: can do, especially if they have a needy element. Right, 429 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: So I want you to just think about how you 430 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:54,120 Speaker 1: can behave with a needy individual, and how you can 431 00:23:54,240 --> 00:24:01,400 Speaker 1: respond and how you can interact because the needy person 432 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:06,479 Speaker 1: can often take so much energy and take so much 433 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,520 Speaker 1: effort because you don't draw your boundaries. And I think 434 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:12,040 Speaker 1: so many people don't draw their boundaries because we're people pleases. 435 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 1: We say we're there for them, but really we're doing 436 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 1: it because we don't want them to think we're bad people. 437 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,760 Speaker 1: But that's where being honest is never being a bad person. 438 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,280 Speaker 1: By saying I don't have the capacity, I don't have 439 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,480 Speaker 1: the ability, I don't have the bandwidth. You know, my wife, 440 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:26,480 Speaker 1: my partner doesn't need this much from me, and I'm 441 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:27,960 Speaker 1: trying to spend my time with them. And I'll often 442 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,160 Speaker 1: say that to people, like I'll go back to London 443 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:31,439 Speaker 1: and people be like, oh, I'd love to see and 444 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, look, I haven't seen my mum for like 445 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: a year and a half. It's going to be hard 446 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:37,520 Speaker 1: for me to find time. It's going to be hard 447 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:41,480 Speaker 1: for me to get that going. And so just being 448 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,639 Speaker 1: honest saves you and saves you from the pressure and 449 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,560 Speaker 1: expectation that you're placing on yourself because someone else is 450 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,440 Speaker 1: placing it on you. Now, the sixth one. I've met 451 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,320 Speaker 1: a lot of people in this category, mainly men. Call 452 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,920 Speaker 1: them the tough ones. What I mean by this tough 453 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,960 Speaker 1: one is not the physical toughness, in toughness where they 454 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:05,720 Speaker 1: portray a stoicism. So the tough one, the secure expression 455 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 1: of this is that they're able to experience emotions, but 456 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:15,159 Speaker 1: they wait till they feel comfortable, and that's healthy. But 457 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:20,560 Speaker 1: then there's also people that never want to show their emotions. 458 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 1: They only show their toughness, and they often impress that 459 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,199 Speaker 1: upon you. So when we take a look at that 460 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 1: scenario and look at those two expressions of secure and 461 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:32,800 Speaker 1: insecure expression, the way to deal with tough people is 462 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,719 Speaker 1: to melt them with love. I remember, I've always been 463 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,640 Speaker 1: a hugger. And if you see me and you listen 464 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:37,960 Speaker 1: to the podcast, come up to me and tell me 465 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,440 Speaker 1: you're an on purpose listener. I will give you the 466 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,919 Speaker 1: biggest hug, I promise you. I'm a hugger through and 467 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,320 Speaker 1: through and through. I love hugging people, and I will 468 00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:47,359 Speaker 1: do that. But here's the thing. When I do that 469 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,480 Speaker 1: to certain people who aren't used to being hugged, or 470 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,280 Speaker 1: they are the tough one, then that can be They're 471 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,960 Speaker 1: uncomfortable in the beginning. And I've realized that you can 472 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,520 Speaker 1: melt people's heart with love. I've met so many tough 473 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 1: people in my life and I have just loved on 474 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 1: them and loved on them and loved on them genuinely, 475 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 1: not as a technique, not as at aol, because I 476 00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:07,919 Speaker 1: love them and I appreciate them, and I've seen the 477 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,760 Speaker 1: hearts melt because everyone is seeking love. Remember this beautiful 478 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: quote from Russell Barkley where he said that people who 479 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,280 Speaker 1: need the most love often ask for it in the 480 00:26:18,359 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: most unloving ways. So that person who's acting like that tough, 481 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,240 Speaker 1: cold exterior, they often need the most love. They're just 482 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: asking for in a weird way. So if you love 483 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,960 Speaker 1: on that person eventually, and loving doesn't mean running after, 484 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,840 Speaker 1: loving doesn't mean pleasing, Loving means noticing the potential in them, 485 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:39,880 Speaker 1: noticing the good in them, noticing the genuine spark within them. 486 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:44,520 Speaker 1: You notice that specifically, that person will start to melt. 487 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 1: The seventh one is the self centered one. We all 488 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: have a friend who all they do when you go 489 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,840 Speaker 1: over is talk about themselves. If you can't think of 490 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 1: someone that friend, is you, right? It's that person that 491 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:00,879 Speaker 1: you know when you over, it's always going to be 492 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,760 Speaker 1: about them. It's going to be about their date, it's 493 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 1: going to be about their business, it's going to be 494 00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:06,280 Speaker 1: about their relationship. It's going to be about them them 495 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 1: them them them them them them them. And the funny 496 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: thing is that we have a bit of self centeredness 497 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: and us because we're like, well, why is it about 498 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:13,959 Speaker 1: them them them them them them? It should be about me? 499 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,400 Speaker 1: Me me me me me me right like that, that's 500 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,439 Speaker 1: even a self centered thought. And what I've found is 501 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:24,040 Speaker 1: when I'm in that scenario, the most reliable method is 502 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:28,720 Speaker 1: to be vulnerable and curious with them. You have to 503 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: be more vulnerable about yourself to be able to allow 504 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: them to connect, and you have to be more curious 505 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,480 Speaker 1: about them so that they're forced to actually think the 506 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,880 Speaker 1: reason why people talk about themselves more often is because 507 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,879 Speaker 1: they don't get to talk about that in their own head. 508 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 1: So they're trying to do it with you. They're trying 509 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:48,119 Speaker 1: to have a conversation that they should be having in 510 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,960 Speaker 1: their head with you, and so if you're curious, you 511 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,080 Speaker 1: can actually help them reflect more effectively, which actually makes 512 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,199 Speaker 1: them go huh oh yeah, okay, that makes sense, all right, 513 00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,880 Speaker 1: how are you doing right? Like, so they're actually using 514 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,520 Speaker 1: you and not using you in a manipulative way. They're 515 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,600 Speaker 1: using you because people need this as a sounding board, 516 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 1: and when you act as a sounding board, they can 517 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,680 Speaker 1: move on quicker. When you act as just someone who 518 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:15,280 Speaker 1: listens or someone who's disengaging goes yeah, yeah, I guess so, 519 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,399 Speaker 1: then you're actually encouraging them to just continue doing that 520 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,440 Speaker 1: because you're not being an effective sounding board. So if 521 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,639 Speaker 1: someone is trying to make you a sounding board, don't 522 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:28,240 Speaker 1: become a wall. Become a sounding board. Play the role 523 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:31,840 Speaker 1: of the sounding board. Ask questions, reflect, introspect. Not only 524 00:28:31,880 --> 00:28:34,080 Speaker 1: does it become more interesting and a learning curve for you, 525 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:38,520 Speaker 1: it becomes more fascinating for them. Okay, three more people. 526 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:43,480 Speaker 1: Number eight is the generous one. It's easy reciprocate with them. 527 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 1: A secure expression of the generous one is someone who's 528 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,720 Speaker 1: being generous and they don't tell you they are. The 529 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: insecure expression is someone who's being generous and has to 530 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,160 Speaker 1: tell you they are. Either way, reciprocate with them. The 531 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 1: person who's generous without asking for it, show them some love, 532 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,720 Speaker 1: tell them how much they mean to you, generous with 533 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 1: their time, generous with their money, generous with their network. 534 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: And then the person who's insecure and has to keep 535 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,280 Speaker 1: reminding you of it. One of the best things to 536 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 1: do with them is to not fall into the trap 537 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,280 Speaker 1: of reminding them of all the good things you do, 538 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 1: but reminding them of all the other good things other 539 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:17,400 Speaker 1: people do and saying things like, well, you know, I 540 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:18,959 Speaker 1: was doing this person the other day. They're doing this 541 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,240 Speaker 1: amazing thing. They're doing that, And what that starts to 542 00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:22,920 Speaker 1: do is it helps them realize that there are lots 543 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,960 Speaker 1: of other people that are thoughtful and generous. It helps 544 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:28,760 Speaker 1: them realize and gain perspective. You're helping them have a 545 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 1: thought that they may not have, and you're not putting 546 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: them down. Remember, your response is never to put someone down, 547 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 1: is to pull them up or keep going yourself remember 548 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:38,960 Speaker 1: that you are either trying to keep going or pull 549 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,480 Speaker 1: someone up, but you're never pulling someone down or putting 550 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,800 Speaker 1: someone down or pushing someone down. You just don't do that. 551 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,400 Speaker 1: It's not worth it. Number nine is the playful one. 552 00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:53,920 Speaker 1: This is my wife. Protect them, let them be playful 553 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:57,400 Speaker 1: in our growing up and our adulthood. We want everyone 554 00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:00,560 Speaker 1: to grow up and become serious and become This is 555 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,680 Speaker 1: different from the time waste, where it's someone who's productive, 556 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,840 Speaker 1: they're doing their own thing, but they're playful, they're fun, 557 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,480 Speaker 1: and when we're tired and when we're exhausted, we just 558 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: want to be like, stop it. Just why do you 559 00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:12,560 Speaker 1: have to be so joyful all the time? Sometimes people 560 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:14,240 Speaker 1: feel that way, They go, why are you being so joyful? 561 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,120 Speaker 1: Why are you happy all the time? Protect that person, 562 00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,600 Speaker 1: that person who has that childlike innocence, that love in 563 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:24,240 Speaker 1: their heart, that joy in their mind and body and soul. 564 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,280 Speaker 1: Protect that. Remind them to stay that way. Encourage them 565 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 1: to stay that way. You know, I think about this 566 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 1: with people on my team. I always remind them, I'm like, 567 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,480 Speaker 1: you're graatious the way you are. Stay that way, Like, 568 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,080 Speaker 1: I just want you to know that I see that 569 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:40,760 Speaker 1: and I honor that, I honor that, and then it's 570 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,840 Speaker 1: the flip side. The tenth one is the parental one. 571 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 1: Help them bring out their inner child. They may be 572 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,400 Speaker 1: had to grow up too quick, they may be had 573 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,240 Speaker 1: to take responsibility on too soon, and they've forgotten how 574 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: to play. Bring play into their life. Introduced them to 575 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 1: the playful one, and see what happens. I want to 576 00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:01,680 Speaker 1: thank you for listening to today. Remember to vote, please, please, 577 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:04,080 Speaker 1: please do go vote for us. I hope this helped 578 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 1: you pass it on to someone that you think is 579 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,000 Speaker 1: going to benefit from it. And I cannot wait to 580 00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,000 Speaker 1: see you again next week. Thank you for all your 581 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:12,920 Speaker 1: love and support. You're the best.