Speaker 1: There is no such thing as a negative person. People
Speaker 1: at the core are full of joy, bliss and beauty.
Speaker 1: But unfortunately it's our conditioning, our experiences, our pains, our
Speaker 1: traumas that change how someone is experienced. Hey, everyone, welcome
Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in
Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you
Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn and grow.
Speaker 1: Now today we're talking about the types of negative people
Speaker 1: that we meet in our lives. Now, you may meet
Speaker 1: them at work, they may be part of your family.
Speaker 1: There may be people that you bump into through friends
Speaker 1: or friends of friends. But this is honestly one of
Speaker 1: the biggest questions I get asked all the time. Jay,
Speaker 1: I am surrounded by negative and toxic people. I am
Speaker 1: surrounded by negativity and toxicity. How do I deal with it?
Speaker 1: What do I do about it? How do I overcome
Speaker 1: these challenges? If you're listening right now and you can
Speaker 1: relate to one of those points, then you're in exactly
Speaker 1: the right place. How many of you feel like you're
Speaker 1: trying to make progress at work, You're trying to collaborate,
Speaker 1: you're trying to connect, but you feel limited or restricted.
Speaker 1: How many people in your family always play down your dreams,
Speaker 1: maybe they belittle your goals, maybe they even minimize your success.
Speaker 1: You did your thing, you followed through, you even made
Speaker 1: something happen, and they still find something wrong with it.
Speaker 1: How many of you in your life have experienced some
Speaker 1: type of negative, civity and toxicity in your day to
Speaker 1: day I believe we all have. And before we dive in,
Speaker 1: I want to clarify something that's really really important. There
Speaker 1: is no such thing as a negative person. There is
Speaker 1: no such thing as a toxic person. People at the core,
Speaker 1: at the root, at the heart, at the source, are
Speaker 1: full of joy, bliss and beauty. But unfortunately it's our conditioning,
Speaker 1: our experiences, our pains, our traumas that change how someone
Speaker 1: is experienced. Now, it is always a choice whether that
Speaker 1: person lets their trauma become trauma that they pass on
Speaker 1: to others, or whether they choose to process it and
Speaker 1: purify it. But the real point here is that we
Speaker 1: have to realize that negativity and toxicity are traits. They
Speaker 1: are not people, They are not individuals. At the core,
Speaker 1: our consciousness is pure and free, but all of us
Speaker 1: have been muddied. We've all been impurified, We've all become
Speaker 1: conditioned to live a certain way. We have to approach
Speaker 1: each of these people with that inner understanding. We have
Speaker 1: to approach all these people with that inner compassion. Not
Speaker 1: because it's the right thing to do or it's the
Speaker 1: best thing to do. It's because it's the truth, it's reality.
Speaker 1: And when you can see that, you can start to
Speaker 1: see how this person isn't truly against you. It's not
Speaker 1: that they don't like you, it's that they don't like themselves.
Speaker 1: It's not that they want to cause you pain. It's
Speaker 1: that they're in so much pain that they don't know
Speaker 1: what to do with the leftovers. It's that they have
Speaker 1: created so many challenges in their life that they don't
Speaker 1: know how to do anything else for anyone else. When
Speaker 1: you have that deep understanding of where that person's pain
Speaker 1: and hurt comes from, you start to realize it's not
Speaker 1: about you, and you stop letting it affect you. You
Speaker 1: recognize it's part of who they have become, and it
Speaker 1: is up to them to become something more or less.
Speaker 1: But it is also your choice to decide whether you
Speaker 1: want their pain to become yours. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: the different types of negative people. The First, is the complainer, right,
Speaker 1: We all know a complainer. I remember when I lived
Speaker 1: in the monastery, there was one monk who absolutely drove
Speaker 1: me crazy. If I asked him how he was in
Speaker 1: the morning, he told me how badly he'd slept and
Speaker 1: whose fault it was. He complained that the food was bad,
Speaker 1: and yet there was never enough. It was relentless verbal diarrhea,
Speaker 1: so negative that I never wanted to be around him.
Speaker 1: Then I found myself complaining about him to the other monks,
Speaker 1: and so I realized I became exactly what I was criticizing.
Speaker 1: Complaining is contagious, and he'd passed it on to me.
Speaker 1: And studies show that negativity like mine can increase aggression
Speaker 1: toward random, uninvolved people, and that the more negative your attitude,
Speaker 1: the more likely you are to have a negative attitude
Speaker 1: in the future. Studies also showed that long term stress
Speaker 1: like that generated by complaining actually shrinks your hippocampus, that's
Speaker 1: the region of your brain that affects reasoning and memory courts.
Speaker 1: All the same stress hormone that takes a toll on
Speaker 1: the hippocampus also impairs your immune system and has loads
Speaker 1: of other harmful effects. I'm not blaming every illness on negativity,
Speaker 1: but if remaining positive can prevent even one of my
Speaker 1: winter colds, I'm all for it. Right. So what I'm
Speaker 1: saying here is that it's interesting to recognize that we're
Speaker 1: not just not trying to complain about complainers because it
Speaker 1: makes us feel better. It actually is better for our health.
Speaker 1: So what happens when someone complains to us, Often we
Speaker 1: complain about them to other people, which makes us a complainer.
Speaker 1: The challenge, though, is that if someone's complaining to you,
Speaker 1: they are draining you. Right. If someone is complaining to you,
Speaker 1: they are draining you. They are taking your energy away
Speaker 1: from you, and that is why you need to go
Speaker 1: further and dump that on someone else. It's kind of
Speaker 1: like this idea that if someone dumps their work on you,
Speaker 1: you dump some of your work on someone else. Often
Speaker 1: when people join a new company or new organization, the
Speaker 1: new person gets dumped on because when they were the
Speaker 1: new person, they got dumped on. Right. So it's constantly
Speaker 1: this perpetuating, never ending cycle, and we have to be
Speaker 1: the ones to break the cycle because otherwise we become
Speaker 1: like the people that we're complaining about. We take on
Speaker 1: all of their energy, and then we pass on their
Speaker 1: energy to someone else. So how do we deal with
Speaker 1: someone who's always telling us about how bad their day
Speaker 1: has been. How do we deal with that? The worst
Speaker 1: thing you can do is tell that person to be positive.
Speaker 1: Another bad thing you can do is tell that person
Speaker 1: to just cheer up. When someone who's sharing their negative
Speaker 1: emotions is hearing you say just be positive, or cheer up,
Speaker 1: or get over it or it's not that bad, that
Speaker 1: actually triggers their negativity even more. Now they're thinking no
Speaker 1: one wants to hear about their feelings, and they feel
Speaker 1: even more shut down. So next time, before you're about
Speaker 1: to say just be positive, hold back a second and
Speaker 1: ask yourself, when you're sharing something painful in your day,
Speaker 1: what is it that really helps you. It may be
Speaker 1: for someone to just listen, and maybe you're going to listen.
Speaker 1: You're going to recognize that you don't have to solve
Speaker 1: everything they're complaining doesn't need you to become a problem solver.
Speaker 1: Often that's where we lose our energy because we try
Speaker 1: to solve a complaint is every problem. We think if
Speaker 1: we can solve their problem today, then they may not
Speaker 1: have a problem tomorrow. But that's not how it works.
Speaker 1: For them, having a problem has become a habit, and
Speaker 1: for them, sharing a problem with you has become a habit.
Speaker 1: So you're not trying to solve every problem of a complaint.
Speaker 1: You're listening, you're not in your present. But then what
Speaker 1: you're truly trying to do is you're trying to find
Speaker 1: an opportunity to ask a question, a question that is
Speaker 1: not condescending, a question that is not minimizing, a question
Speaker 1: that doesn't take away from their experience. So you may
Speaker 1: ask them a follow up question, say, tell me about that. Wow,
Speaker 1: that does sound really tough. That does sound really challenging.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you had to go through that. And then
Speaker 1: you may say, well, it sounds like you learned a
Speaker 1: really powerful lesson there. It sounds like you're you're onto something.
Speaker 1: What do you think that is? Notice how you've helped
Speaker 1: someone get to an answer without giving it to them.
Speaker 1: And that's what I find with someone who's complaining is
Speaker 1: that you're not trying to give them the answer. If
Speaker 1: you give them the answer, they haven't made the connections
Speaker 1: in their head, so they can't see the power of
Speaker 1: that answer. But when you say to someone, hey, I
Speaker 1: think you're onto something. I think you figured something out there,
Speaker 1: even if you see that glimpse. And what that does
Speaker 1: is it trains you to see the positive. It trains
Speaker 1: you to see the powerful even when it's not possible.
Speaker 1: So now, not only are you helping them, you're helping yourself. Right,
Speaker 1: Not only are you helping them, you're helping yourself. So
Speaker 1: the second type of negative person is the canceler. What
Speaker 1: I mean by the cancelor is not someone who cancels people,
Speaker 1: but they cancel your response out. So you say something like, oh,
Speaker 1: you look so nice today, and they say, what about yesterday?
Speaker 1: I didn't look good yesterday. Or you say oh, it
Speaker 1: seems like you're doing really really well this year and
Speaker 1: then thinking oh, does that mean you didn't think I
Speaker 1: was doing well before? Or you say oh, you seem
Speaker 1: are happy right now and they're like, oh, yeah, I
Speaker 1: guess I am right. Like there's a canceling out of
Speaker 1: a compliment to turn it into something that sounds like
Speaker 1: you said something negative, right. Or you may say oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: but you're so smart, and you're like, yeah, you're always
Speaker 1: telling me I'm smart, but you never tell me that
Speaker 1: I'm confident, right, it's you've said something positive, but they're
Speaker 1: finding something negative with something positive that you've said. And
Speaker 1: that's a really interesting place because you're trying to encourage
Speaker 1: that person. You're trying to motivate that person. You're trying
Speaker 1: to push them into the right direction. You're trying to
Speaker 1: guide them to feel better about themselves. But again, what
Speaker 1: we're trying to do is short cut someone's work for them.
Speaker 1: We're trying to put into their mind thoughts that they
Speaker 1: need to have about themselves. When someone has a thought
Speaker 1: about themselves, it is much stronger than a thought you
Speaker 1: have at them. You may tell someone that they are
Speaker 1: beautiful and wonderful and smart and intelligent, but if they
Speaker 1: don't see it, if they don't notice it themselves, it
Speaker 1: will never satisfy them. They have to feel it about themselves.
Speaker 1: So you may say, how do I help this person? Well,
Speaker 1: for this person, anything you say, they may cancel it
Speaker 1: out right. If you say to them, hey, well why
Speaker 1: don't you take a moment to think about things you
Speaker 1: like about yourself, they may cancel it out and say, oh,
Speaker 1: I could give you a long list about things I
Speaker 1: don't like about myself. And so often with these individuals.
Speaker 1: The greatest thing you can do is move out of
Speaker 1: the way, remove yourself from the equation, and introduce them
Speaker 1: to other people's thoughts. You may say, hey, if you
Speaker 1: read thing like a monk or on purpose, or have
Speaker 1: you wants this interview or whatever that they're into. You
Speaker 1: may introduce them to other insights, to other voices. And
Speaker 1: often we have to do that with the people closest
Speaker 1: to us, the people closest to me. I have to
Speaker 1: introduce them to other people to get through to them,
Speaker 1: because it's always the way. We don't want to be
Speaker 1: influenced by the people closest to us. There's some ego
Speaker 1: that blocks us from learning from people we know, and
Speaker 1: that is the most ridiculous way that ego protects itself
Speaker 1: and it's prestige by saying I will not learn from
Speaker 1: people that I am close to. I will only learn
Speaker 1: from people I don't know, and that is a mistake.
Speaker 1: Look around right now, look at the people you're surrounded by,
Speaker 1: Look at your closest friends, and think to yourself, Wow,
Speaker 1: she's amazing. She's an incredible yoga instructor. He's awesome. He
Speaker 1: knows everything there is to know about how to cook
Speaker 1: in a healthy way. They are amazing because that person
Speaker 1: knows everything about money and investments and finances. Look at
Speaker 1: your immediate circle right now, and I promise you your
Speaker 1: life will improve drastically. So again, by introducing them to
Speaker 1: other people, you realize the value in your own life
Speaker 1: of you meeting other people. See, everything you're doing for
Speaker 1: someone else is something you can do for yourself, and
Speaker 1: we often miss that that the value you create in
Speaker 1: someone else's life shows you a value that you're missing
Speaker 1: in your own. When you start introducing them to a
Speaker 1: book or a person, you may think to yourself, Oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't believe I've never picked their brain. I know
Speaker 1: that person so deeply. Think about that for your own life.
Speaker 1: Is that with someone who cancels something out often you
Speaker 1: have to cancel yourself out of their life and introduce
Speaker 1: them to new people. The third type of negative person
Speaker 1: is the casualty. The world is always against them, Everyone
Speaker 1: always has it in for them, and they look at
Speaker 1: life through that lens where even the person walking across
Speaker 1: the street doesn't look at them. The barista didn't write
Speaker 1: their name correctly, and they feel it was unique to them.
Speaker 1: Right when we know that that's part of the technique
Speaker 1: that Starbucks and other coffee shops use where they write
Speaker 1: your name in correct so you post it on Instagram.
Speaker 1: But for them, it's like no, no, no, that was
Speaker 1: about me. And the thing is that sometimes they might
Speaker 1: be right right. We do all have bosses that have
Speaker 1: it in for us, So we do have people that
Speaker 1: we meet that feel intimidated by us. Of course that's reality,
Speaker 1: but now they amplify that and extend that to each
Speaker 1: and every person, and it starts to ruin their relationships.
Speaker 1: It starts to wreck their ability to form deep bonds
Speaker 1: with other people. For this individual, we have to be
Speaker 1: careful because what we don't want to do is try
Speaker 1: and get them to trust everyone, because that isn't smart either.
Speaker 1: We all have people in our life that we have
Speaker 1: to be careful with how we build trust. But this
Speaker 1: person needs to experience a group of people that are
Speaker 1: positive about them. They need to be encouraged to spend
Speaker 1: time with people and notice the good in them. Now,
Speaker 1: with the casualties, it give me really really hard because
Speaker 1: that's how they see life. And this is where I'd
Speaker 1: like to share with you the twenty five seventy five principle.
Speaker 1: For every negative person in your life, have three uplifting people.
Speaker 1: I try to surround myself with people who are better
Speaker 1: than I am in some way, happier, more spiritual, more focused.
Speaker 1: In life, As in sports, being around better players pushes
Speaker 1: you to grow. Like you don't get good at tennis
Speaker 1: by playing with someone who's worse than you. You You don't
Speaker 1: get good at pickleball by playing with someone who's not competitive.
Speaker 1: I don't mean for you to take this so literally
Speaker 1: that you label each of your friends either negative or uplifting,
Speaker 1: but aim for the feeling that at least seventy five
Speaker 1: percent of your time is spent with people who inspire
Speaker 1: you rather than bring you down. You can do your
Speaker 1: part in making a friendship and uplifting exchange. So this
Speaker 1: isn't just about saying do people uplift me? It's the
Speaker 1: question do we uplift each other? Have you ever had
Speaker 1: one bad moment spoil your entire day, or felt overwhelmed
Speaker 1: for no reason? What about stressed or anxious over that
Speaker 1: big moment or difficult conversation. You should try meditation. And
Speaker 1: I know what you're thinking, Jay, you used to be
Speaker 1: a monk. I don't have time to sit in the
Speaker 1: woods for hours doing nothing, but really all the time
Speaker 1: you need to start your own mindfulness practice is seven
Speaker 1: minutes a day with the Daily j my daily guided
Speaker 1: meditations on the car mapp. You don't need to close
Speaker 1: your eyes or find a special seat. You can try
Speaker 1: it while you brush your teeth, do the dishes, or
Speaker 1: walk your dog. My goal in seven minutes a day
Speaker 1: is to help you find a calm and feel grounded
Speaker 1: in your busy world, plant beautiful intentions for an abundant
Speaker 1: life and simple steps for positive actions to get you
Speaker 1: closer to the life of your dreams. Here's what one
Speaker 1: of the listeners of the Daily Jay had to say
Speaker 1: about their meditation. Wow, I just had a super hard
Speaker 1: day at work and couldn't get my boss's comments out
Speaker 1: of my head. Then I did the Daily JA which
Speaker 1: related to my work issues, opened my eyes at the
Speaker 1: end of the session and felt renewed again. Previously today
Speaker 1: would have destroyed my whole weekend. Meditate with me by
Speaker 1: going to calm dot com forward slash Jay to get
Speaker 1: forty percent of a Calm Premium membership. That's only forty
Speaker 1: two dollars for the whole year for Daily guided meditations,
Speaker 1: experience the daily j only on calm. I was speaking
Speaker 1: to one of my friends this year, who I see
Speaker 1: once a month without fail, and then now we've been
Speaker 1: nearly seeing each other once a week, and we decided
Speaker 1: that the value for our friendship together this year would
Speaker 1: be friendship, fun and fitness. Right. I know it sounds cheesy,
Speaker 1: but we love it. Right. It's like that idea though,
Speaker 1: that it's not that I'm expecting him to lift me up.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying, oh, he's an uplifting friend because he
Speaker 1: makes me feel better. No, no, no, no no, it's
Speaker 1: a friend that I can grow with together. It's a
Speaker 1: friend that we can lift each other up. Right, don't
Speaker 1: just spend time with the people you love, grow with them,
Speaker 1: Take a class, read a book, do a workshop. Sunga
Speaker 1: is the Sanskrit word for community, and it suggests a
Speaker 1: refuge where people serve and inspire each other. So I
Speaker 1: want you to think about your songer, right, I want
Speaker 1: you to think about the people you spend time with.
Speaker 1: And yes, you may have a friend who's always being
Speaker 1: a casualty, but you therefore need friends that you are
Speaker 1: uplifting yourself with. And guess what when this casualty friend
Speaker 1: sees that they're going to want to join in. They're
Speaker 1: going to learn by your example. Now, the fourth type
Speaker 1: of negative person that we come across is called the critic.
Speaker 1: This person is always criticizing others. They're always looking for
Speaker 1: flaws and faults in others. I heard about this from
Speaker 1: a friend the other day that, you know, they went
Speaker 1: out for an event and then on the way back,
Speaker 1: one of the people that was attending the event couldn't
Speaker 1: stop talking bad about the person whose event they just
Speaker 1: went to. And I was thinking, how sad is that
Speaker 1: that we're going to some event or we're going to
Speaker 1: someone's Instagram profile and then we're talking bad about them.
Speaker 1: But that person never asked you to be there, That
Speaker 1: person never forced you to be there. That person's not
Speaker 1: asking you for your attention. They're just doing their thing.
Speaker 1: And if someone's just doing their thing on TikTok or
Speaker 1: Instagram and we don't like it, I mean we don't
Speaker 1: have to go to their page, we don't have to
Speaker 1: engage with it. But some people want to be critical
Speaker 1: in the comment section, and these fall under the critics, right.
Speaker 1: They judge others for either having a different opinion or
Speaker 1: not having one for any choices they've made that are
Speaker 1: different from what the critic would have done. Or sometimes
Speaker 1: I see people just obsessing over criticizing anything right like it.
Speaker 1: It's crazy that we have so much time to criticize others.
Speaker 1: And I find out the more time you spend time
Speaker 1: criticizing others, you block yourself from creating the life you want.
Speaker 1: Sometimes when I go on a hike in LA, you
Speaker 1: can get pretty high up. And if you get high
Speaker 1: up on a hike in LA, you can look at
Speaker 1: a lot of homes. Imagine you spent your time. They're
Speaker 1: sitting there criticizing those homes, going, oh I would have
Speaker 1: built it that way, or that pools on the wrong side,
Speaker 1: or oh I would have planted the trees differently. I
Speaker 1: don't like the garden in that one. Now, all that
Speaker 1: time that you've spent criticizing that person's home, you've missed
Speaker 1: out on time creating your own. And that's what's happening
Speaker 1: in the real world, is that we waste so much time.
Speaker 1: If we spent as much time as we do looking
Speaker 1: at celebrity lives and marriages and relationships, if we spend
Speaker 1: that much effort on our own lives and relationships. Our
Speaker 1: lives would change. If we spent the amount of time
Speaker 1: we spend obsessing about what's going on in the news
Speaker 1: as we did about our own journey, our lives would change.
Speaker 1: And the thing is, obsession is different to learning. If
Speaker 1: you're observing someone else's life and you're learning from it,
Speaker 1: like we do on on purpose. When we sit down
Speaker 1: with a celebrity or an academic, or we sit down
Speaker 1: with a CEO or an entrepreneur, we're trying to learn
Speaker 1: from their lives. What we're not trying to do is
Speaker 1: just talk about their lives. And so I learned this
Speaker 1: activity when I lived as a monk, and it really
Speaker 1: has stayed with me and I want to do it more.
Speaker 1: And we had to keep a tally of every criticism
Speaker 1: we spoke or thought. For each one, we had to
Speaker 1: write down ten good things about the person. It was
Speaker 1: hard we were living together in close quarters. Issues came up,
Speaker 1: most of them Petty. The average time for a monk
Speaker 1: shower was four minutes. When there was a line at
Speaker 1: the showers, we would take bets on who was taking
Speaker 1: too long. This was the only betting we did, of course,
Speaker 1: because monks and though the snorers were relegated to their
Speaker 1: own room. Sometimes new practitioners emerged and we rated their
Speaker 1: snores on a scale of motorcycles. This monks of vesper
Speaker 1: that one's a Harley Davidson. I went through the exercise,
Speaker 1: dutifully noting every criticism. Next to each I jotted down
Speaker 1: ten positive qualities about that person. The point of the
Speaker 1: exercise wasn't hard to figure it out. Every person was
Speaker 1: more good than bad, but seeing it on the page
Speaker 1: made the ratio sink in. This helped me see my
Speaker 1: own weaknesses differently. I tended to focus on my mistakes
Speaker 1: without balancing them against my strengths. When I found myself
Speaker 1: being self critical, I reminded myself that I too had
Speaker 1: positive qualities. Putting my negative qualities in context helped me
Speaker 1: recognize the same ratio in myself that I'm more good
Speaker 1: than bad. Now, I want you to think about that
Speaker 1: for a second. That when you're asked to write down
Speaker 1: ten good things about someone you're criticizing, it puts things
Speaker 1: into perspective. It makes you do some research. You start
Speaker 1: realizing how little you know the person. In reality, right,
Speaker 1: we have to make so many judgments and criticisms about
Speaker 1: people we don't even know, about people we don't even understand.
Speaker 1: We discuss people's marriage is if we know them inside out,
Speaker 1: but we have no clue. We discuss other people's decisions
Speaker 1: or what they say without knowing them. Imagine someone did
Speaker 1: that to us. When people do that to us, it
Speaker 1: courses us so much pain, courses us so much pain.
Speaker 1: When you write down ten good things, you're not trying
Speaker 1: to excuse that person's negative choice. You're helping yourself realize
Speaker 1: the reality that we're all struggling with something. We all
Speaker 1: have some flaws, and let's realize that we criticize others
Speaker 1: because deep down we're still criticizing ourselves. The next type
Speaker 1: of negative person or should I say negative personality trait
Speaker 1: because there are no negative people, is commanders give me
Speaker 1: more of your time. How many people in your life
Speaker 1: no demand your time, they expect your time, They make
Speaker 1: you feel bad for not spending time with them. This
Speaker 1: one I've always found very difficult because I'm married to
Speaker 1: my best friend and incredible human. Rather, for those of
Speaker 1: you who obviously know and rather, since we've been together
Speaker 1: we've nearly been together ten years now, has been the
Speaker 1: least demanding person over my time and energy. She's given
Speaker 1: me freedom, she's given me choice. I've given it back.
Speaker 1: She has the same, and we have this relationship where
Speaker 1: there's a lot of trust, there's a high degree of
Speaker 1: space and freedom, and we don't make each other feel
Speaker 1: bad when we can't spend time with each other because
Speaker 1: we know that we do want to spend time with
Speaker 1: each other. So I'm surrounded by a wife who's not demanding,
Speaker 1: and I'm not demanding back, and I'm very grateful for
Speaker 1: my mum and my sister or my father who are
Speaker 1: also the same where we love spending time together. We
Speaker 1: spend good quality time together, but we don't make each
Speaker 1: other feel bad when we're not available. And so when
Speaker 1: I have a friend in my life or a person
Speaker 1: in my life sometimes not even as close as a friend,
Speaker 1: and they're making me feel bad for not having time
Speaker 1: for them, that starts to get really tough for me.
Speaker 1: I've struggled with that because actually, the people closest to
Speaker 1: me in my life and not demanding. So how do
Speaker 1: you deal with someone who's commanding. The first thing is
Speaker 1: you give up the people pleasing inside of you, and
Speaker 1: you become honest with them about how much time you have.
Speaker 1: I've been really honest with people and said to them, Hey,
Speaker 1: just so you know, I really would love to spend
Speaker 1: more time with you, but my priority right now is
Speaker 1: my wife and my work, and this is where I'm
Speaker 1: putting my energy. And if I do have more, I
Speaker 1: would definitely let you know. But the rest of the
Speaker 1: time I'm using for self preservation. I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: in a mean way or a spiteful way, or a
Speaker 1: holier than that way, or a superior way. I don't
Speaker 1: believe I'm better than them. It's just that being honest
Speaker 1: is so much better than either forcing myself and exhausting
Speaker 1: myself or ignoring them. So often what we do is
Speaker 1: that we force ourselves as we exhaust ourselves to be
Speaker 1: there for other people. Then we feel tired, Then we
Speaker 1: feel upset with ourselves, and then we feel upset with them.
Speaker 1: That's one cycle. Or the other cycle that we choose
Speaker 1: to do is we choose to ignore them, we choose
Speaker 1: to distance ourselves from them, or we choose to tell
Speaker 1: them our boundaries without telling them why we have that boundary.
Speaker 1: I found that telling people I'm unavailable is different to
Speaker 1: saying I'm really tired tonight, I'd love a night in
Speaker 1: on my own. It makes such a difference. You're not
Speaker 1: telling someone you don't want to see them. You're telling
Speaker 1: someone you want to see yourself. Right, you're not telling
Speaker 1: someone you don't want to meet them. You're telling someone
Speaker 1: you want to meet with yourself. That makes all the difference.
Speaker 1: It makes the biggest difference in the world, that simple clarification.
Speaker 1: And now the commander might be upset in the short term,
Speaker 1: they might even be repeatedly upset because they still have
Speaker 1: this demand and a feeling of ownership over your time
Speaker 1: for some reason. But the truth is, deep down they
Speaker 1: know that you haven't said anything hurtful and that you
Speaker 1: haven't done anything that's against them. So setting boundaries it's
Speaker 1: really healthy with the commander type, because otherwise that can
Speaker 1: get really draining when you think someone believes they are
Speaker 1: entitled to your time when they don't have an engagement
Speaker 1: deeply in your life. Now, there are two more types
Speaker 1: of negative traits that I'd love to share with you.
Speaker 1: This one, the sixth one is the competitor. My success
Speaker 1: is more successful than your success. Right, It's like you
Speaker 1: say something and they have to one up you. Oh,
Speaker 1: me and my friend are going to Carbo for the week.
Speaker 1: Oh we went to Carbo last year. This year we're
Speaker 1: going to Hawaii. Right. Oh, Mia, you know we we
Speaker 1: just finally broke through that six figures in our business.
Speaker 1: It's doing really really well. Oh yeah, we did that
Speaker 1: like three years ago, right. Or oh we won this award.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, but you know they just give them out right,
Speaker 1: they're not even real awards. Right. There's someone who always
Speaker 1: has something to say about your success, and it's someone
Speaker 1: who's bringing that competition into your life when you're not
Speaker 1: trying to compete. I remember I used to have a
Speaker 1: friend growing up who used to always tell me, this
Speaker 1: is in our teens, very young. You're about to hear
Speaker 1: how young and stupid I was. But I had a
Speaker 1: friend who'd always say, let's see who can get more
Speaker 1: girls numbers tonight, right, like that kind of an attitude.
Speaker 1: And I would always say to him, I'd be like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not I don't want to compete with you, because
Speaker 1: I'd like to just get one girl's numbers, Like I
Speaker 1: don't want lots of numbers. That doesn't that's not kind
Speaker 1: of what I'm looking for. And for him, it was
Speaker 1: always just let's see who can get more, Let's see
Speaker 1: who can do this, and I found that I started
Speaker 1: to gravitate towards people who wanted equality, who didn't want
Speaker 1: to compete with me. I'd say, all my friends who've
Speaker 1: lasted the test of time, who've been my friends for
Speaker 1: a long time, are all people who may be competitive
Speaker 1: in their own world and in their own space, but
Speaker 1: they don't want to compete with me. I'm their friend.
Speaker 1: So I said a very clear rule that I don't
Speaker 1: want my closest friends to be people i'm compete And
Speaker 1: in order to make that clear, what I would do
Speaker 1: is I would always celebrate my friend's successes, and I
Speaker 1: would share my successes, but not in context to anyone else.
Speaker 1: I would share them as aligned with my own goals.
Speaker 1: The way you communicate your success and the way you
Speaker 1: communicate about other people's success has a big, big impact
Speaker 1: on how they perceive you and what your goal is
Speaker 1: as well. And the final one is the controller. You
Speaker 1: can only do what I say, and when someone who
Speaker 1: makes you change all your plans, someone who always tells
Speaker 1: everyone that it needs to be done this way, someone
Speaker 1: who needs to have all of that control, This person
Speaker 1: can be extremely difficult right They monitor and try to
Speaker 1: direct how their friends or partners spend time and who
Speaker 1: they spend time with and what choices they make. These
Speaker 1: can be some of the hardest, negative toxic traits to
Speaker 1: spend time with and hang around with. And the only
Speaker 1: way you operate around this person is by doing what
Speaker 1: you want but without trying to put that person down.
Speaker 1: You're rebelling for your freedom, but you're not rebelling with
Speaker 1: their ideology if they force something to happen and you
Speaker 1: choose to make another choice. And notice how so much
Speaker 1: of this is us giving up our own ego. The
Speaker 1: reason why we complain about these people or we're affected
Speaker 1: by these people is because we don't want them to
Speaker 1: think we're not nice people. But we think they're not
Speaker 1: nice people. But then we give up who we are
Speaker 1: just so that they don't think we're nice people. Ultimately,
Speaker 1: it comes down to are you willing to let go
Speaker 1: of the fact that not everyone is going to like you,
Speaker 1: not everyone is going to understand you, and not everyone
Speaker 1: is meant for you. Not everyone is meant for you.
Speaker 1: What a refreshing feeling, and you are not meant for everyone.
Speaker 1: You are going to find your people. You are going
Speaker 1: to find your tribe, go and search and seek for them.
Speaker 1: When we move to New York and then moved to
Speaker 1: LA we have been seeing our community. So there are
Speaker 1: seven types of negative traits complainers, cancelers, casualties, critics, commanders, competitors, controllers,
Speaker 1: and I've shared with you a number of strategies today
Speaker 1: of how to deal with each of them. Practice these,
Speaker 1: implement these, experiment with these, and watch how your life changes.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope
Speaker 1: that you enjoyed today's episode. I can't wait for the
Speaker 1: next one. And please, it would mean the world to
Speaker 1: me if you leave a review. When nearly an eighteen thousand,
Speaker 1: I would love, love, love to get to twenty thousand
Speaker 1: by the end of this year. Please, please, please go
Speaker 1: and leave a review. I'm going to read a couple
Speaker 1: that I really loved, and please leave your name. This
Speaker 1: is from Alexis Ross Jay. I'm such a fan. I've
Speaker 1: been listening to your podcast from the start, and as
Speaker 1: a clinician myself, I find it incredibly grounding and therapeutic.
Speaker 1: You have a real gift and each episode touches on
Speaker 1: such relevant topics I'm so grateful for you and what
Speaker 1: you share with the world through your work. I've shared
Speaker 1: this podcast with many friends, family, and patience. And that
Speaker 1: is a five star review from Alexis Ross Alexis, thank
Speaker 1: you so much. And this one is from Zach five stars. Again.
Speaker 1: As a man in a traditionally masculine job, this podcast
Speaker 1: has really helped me rethink and grow emotionally and reflect
Speaker 1: through a lot of transition this year, I've been feverishly
Speaker 1: devouring episodes and enjoy everyone with Jay. Thanks Zach. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you. I mean, there are some huge, beautiful reviews here.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. And this is from El Gomez.
Speaker 1: I started listening to Jay when the pandemic started. Since
Speaker 1: then I could not stop listening. I look forward to
Speaker 1: Monday and Friday mornings to listen in Every show always
Speaker 1: relates to some part of my current life. Helps me
Speaker 1: reflect and find ways to do better to live a
Speaker 1: more mindful and intentional life. I really appreciate you Jay.
Speaker 1: I'm thankful I ran into your podcast. So far, my
Speaker 1: favorite podcasts have been with Russ and Big Sean. Love them.
Speaker 1: Thank you for another five star review. You, Like I said,
Speaker 1: I deeply appreciate them, and i just want you to
Speaker 1: know that I'm on this journey with you. I'm not stopping.
Speaker 1: I'm here for you, and I'm on this journey with you.
Speaker 1: And as you keep committing to on purpose, I deeply
Speaker 1: continue to commit to you. Can't wait to meet you all,
Speaker 1: sending you so much love. Can't wait to see how
Speaker 1: your life changes.