1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,720 Speaker 1: There is no such thing as a negative person. People 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,280 Speaker 1: at the core are full of joy, bliss and beauty. 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: But unfortunately it's our conditioning, our experiences, our pains, our 4 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:29,640 Speaker 1: traumas that change how someone is experienced. Hey, everyone, welcome 5 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:32,839 Speaker 1: back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in 6 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: the world. Thanks to each and every one of you 7 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,560 Speaker 1: that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. 8 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 1: Now today we're talking about the types of negative people 9 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,840 Speaker 1: that we meet in our lives. Now, you may meet 10 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,960 Speaker 1: them at work, they may be part of your family. 11 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:55,280 Speaker 1: There may be people that you bump into through friends 12 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: or friends of friends. But this is honestly one of 13 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:03,480 Speaker 1: the biggest questions I get asked all the time. Jay, 14 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: I am surrounded by negative and toxic people. I am 15 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:14,559 Speaker 1: surrounded by negativity and toxicity. How do I deal with it? 16 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: What do I do about it? How do I overcome 17 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: these challenges? If you're listening right now and you can 18 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,920 Speaker 1: relate to one of those points, then you're in exactly 19 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:29,319 Speaker 1: the right place. How many of you feel like you're 20 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: trying to make progress at work, You're trying to collaborate, 21 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 1: you're trying to connect, but you feel limited or restricted. 22 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 1: How many people in your family always play down your dreams, 23 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:47,119 Speaker 1: maybe they belittle your goals, maybe they even minimize your success. 24 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: You did your thing, you followed through, you even made 25 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: something happen, and they still find something wrong with it. 26 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: How many of you in your life have experienced some 27 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:03,680 Speaker 1: type of negative, civity and toxicity in your day to 28 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 1: day I believe we all have. And before we dive in, 29 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:13,800 Speaker 1: I want to clarify something that's really really important. There 30 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: is no such thing as a negative person. There is 31 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:24,520 Speaker 1: no such thing as a toxic person. People at the core, 32 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,960 Speaker 1: at the root, at the heart, at the source, are 33 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: full of joy, bliss and beauty. But unfortunately it's our conditioning, 34 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 1: our experiences, our pains, our traumas that change how someone 35 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:54,200 Speaker 1: is experienced. Now, it is always a choice whether that 36 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:58,800 Speaker 1: person lets their trauma become trauma that they pass on 37 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: to others, or whether they choose to process it and 38 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 1: purify it. But the real point here is that we 39 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: have to realize that negativity and toxicity are traits. They 40 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,080 Speaker 1: are not people, They are not individuals. At the core, 41 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:24,400 Speaker 1: our consciousness is pure and free, but all of us 42 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:30,639 Speaker 1: have been muddied. We've all been impurified, We've all become 43 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: conditioned to live a certain way. We have to approach 44 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,800 Speaker 1: each of these people with that inner understanding. We have 45 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: to approach all these people with that inner compassion. Not 46 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,320 Speaker 1: because it's the right thing to do or it's the 47 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,040 Speaker 1: best thing to do. It's because it's the truth, it's reality. 48 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,480 Speaker 1: And when you can see that, you can start to 49 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:59,080 Speaker 1: see how this person isn't truly against you. It's not 50 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,880 Speaker 1: that they don't like you, it's that they don't like themselves. 51 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,880 Speaker 1: It's not that they want to cause you pain. It's 52 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: that they're in so much pain that they don't know 53 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: what to do with the leftovers. It's that they have 54 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,080 Speaker 1: created so many challenges in their life that they don't 55 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: know how to do anything else for anyone else. When 56 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,760 Speaker 1: you have that deep understanding of where that person's pain 57 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:27,440 Speaker 1: and hurt comes from, you start to realize it's not 58 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,359 Speaker 1: about you, and you stop letting it affect you. You 59 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 1: recognize it's part of who they have become, and it 60 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 1: is up to them to become something more or less. 61 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,719 Speaker 1: But it is also your choice to decide whether you 62 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:47,200 Speaker 1: want their pain to become yours. So let's talk about 63 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 1: the different types of negative people. The First, is the complainer, right, 64 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 1: We all know a complainer. I remember when I lived 65 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: in the monastery, there was one monk who absolutely drove 66 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,479 Speaker 1: me crazy. If I asked him how he was in 67 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: the morning, he told me how badly he'd slept and 68 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 1: whose fault it was. He complained that the food was bad, 69 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 1: and yet there was never enough. It was relentless verbal diarrhea, 70 00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,200 Speaker 1: so negative that I never wanted to be around him. 71 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 1: Then I found myself complaining about him to the other monks, 72 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 1: and so I realized I became exactly what I was criticizing. 73 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 1: Complaining is contagious, and he'd passed it on to me. 74 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: And studies show that negativity like mine can increase aggression 75 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: toward random, uninvolved people, and that the more negative your attitude, 76 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: the more likely you are to have a negative attitude 77 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,039 Speaker 1: in the future. Studies also showed that long term stress 78 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: like that generated by complaining actually shrinks your hippocampus, that's 79 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:01,360 Speaker 1: the region of your brain that affects reasoning and memory courts. 80 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,800 Speaker 1: All the same stress hormone that takes a toll on 81 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 1: the hippocampus also impairs your immune system and has loads 82 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 1: of other harmful effects. I'm not blaming every illness on negativity, 83 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,599 Speaker 1: but if remaining positive can prevent even one of my 84 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 1: winter colds, I'm all for it. Right. So what I'm 85 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,720 Speaker 1: saying here is that it's interesting to recognize that we're 86 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:27,840 Speaker 1: not just not trying to complain about complainers because it 87 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,839 Speaker 1: makes us feel better. It actually is better for our health. 88 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: So what happens when someone complains to us, Often we 89 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,840 Speaker 1: complain about them to other people, which makes us a complainer. 90 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 1: The challenge, though, is that if someone's complaining to you, 91 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:47,719 Speaker 1: they are draining you. Right. If someone is complaining to you, 92 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 1: they are draining you. They are taking your energy away 93 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,720 Speaker 1: from you, and that is why you need to go 94 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: further and dump that on someone else. It's kind of 95 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 1: like this idea that if someone dumps their work on you, 96 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: you dump some of your work on someone else. Often 97 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 1: when people join a new company or new organization, the 98 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: new person gets dumped on because when they were the 99 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 1: new person, they got dumped on. Right. So it's constantly 100 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: this perpetuating, never ending cycle, and we have to be 101 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: the ones to break the cycle because otherwise we become 102 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 1: like the people that we're complaining about. We take on 103 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,160 Speaker 1: all of their energy, and then we pass on their 104 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: energy to someone else. So how do we deal with 105 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: someone who's always telling us about how bad their day 106 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: has been. How do we deal with that? The worst 107 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: thing you can do is tell that person to be positive. 108 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: Another bad thing you can do is tell that person 109 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: to just cheer up. When someone who's sharing their negative 110 00:07:56,200 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 1: emotions is hearing you say just be positive, or cheer up, 111 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: or get over it or it's not that bad, that 112 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: actually triggers their negativity even more. Now they're thinking no 113 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: one wants to hear about their feelings, and they feel 114 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,120 Speaker 1: even more shut down. So next time, before you're about 115 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: to say just be positive, hold back a second and 116 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:25,280 Speaker 1: ask yourself, when you're sharing something painful in your day, 117 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 1: what is it that really helps you. It may be 118 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: for someone to just listen, and maybe you're going to listen. 119 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 1: You're going to recognize that you don't have to solve 120 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:39,920 Speaker 1: everything they're complaining doesn't need you to become a problem solver. 121 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,839 Speaker 1: Often that's where we lose our energy because we try 122 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 1: to solve a complaint is every problem. We think if 123 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 1: we can solve their problem today, then they may not 124 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,960 Speaker 1: have a problem tomorrow. But that's not how it works. 125 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:53,200 Speaker 1: For them, having a problem has become a habit, and 126 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,720 Speaker 1: for them, sharing a problem with you has become a habit. 127 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 1: So you're not trying to solve every problem of a complaint. 128 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: You're listening, you're not in your present. But then what 129 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:10,280 Speaker 1: you're truly trying to do is you're trying to find 130 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:16,600 Speaker 1: an opportunity to ask a question, a question that is 131 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 1: not condescending, a question that is not minimizing, a question 132 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 1: that doesn't take away from their experience. So you may 133 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 1: ask them a follow up question, say, tell me about that. Wow, 134 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,720 Speaker 1: that does sound really tough. That does sound really challenging. 135 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,640 Speaker 1: I'm sorry you had to go through that. And then 136 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: you may say, well, it sounds like you learned a 137 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: really powerful lesson there. It sounds like you're you're onto something. 138 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 1: What do you think that is? Notice how you've helped 139 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: someone get to an answer without giving it to them. 140 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:59,319 Speaker 1: And that's what I find with someone who's complaining is 141 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: that you're not trying to give them the answer. If 142 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: you give them the answer, they haven't made the connections 143 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,920 Speaker 1: in their head, so they can't see the power of 144 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: that answer. But when you say to someone, hey, I 145 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: think you're onto something. I think you figured something out there, 146 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 1: even if you see that glimpse. And what that does 147 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: is it trains you to see the positive. It trains 148 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,720 Speaker 1: you to see the powerful even when it's not possible. 149 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:28,560 Speaker 1: So now, not only are you helping them, you're helping yourself. Right, 150 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:33,840 Speaker 1: Not only are you helping them, you're helping yourself. So 151 00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:39,079 Speaker 1: the second type of negative person is the canceler. What 152 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,640 Speaker 1: I mean by the cancelor is not someone who cancels people, 153 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: but they cancel your response out. So you say something like, oh, 154 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,839 Speaker 1: you look so nice today, and they say, what about yesterday? 155 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 1: I didn't look good yesterday. Or you say oh, it 156 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 1: seems like you're doing really really well this year and 157 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,880 Speaker 1: then thinking oh, does that mean you didn't think I 158 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,839 Speaker 1: was doing well before? Or you say oh, you seem 159 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 1: are happy right now and they're like, oh, yeah, I 160 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: guess I am right. Like there's a canceling out of 161 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:12,800 Speaker 1: a compliment to turn it into something that sounds like 162 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,280 Speaker 1: you said something negative, right. Or you may say oh, yeah, 163 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: but you're so smart, and you're like, yeah, you're always 164 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,800 Speaker 1: telling me I'm smart, but you never tell me that 165 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 1: I'm confident, right, it's you've said something positive, but they're 166 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:29,240 Speaker 1: finding something negative with something positive that you've said. And 167 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 1: that's a really interesting place because you're trying to encourage 168 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 1: that person. You're trying to motivate that person. You're trying 169 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 1: to push them into the right direction. You're trying to 170 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 1: guide them to feel better about themselves. But again, what 171 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:47,720 Speaker 1: we're trying to do is short cut someone's work for them. 172 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:51,880 Speaker 1: We're trying to put into their mind thoughts that they 173 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,760 Speaker 1: need to have about themselves. When someone has a thought 174 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:59,559 Speaker 1: about themselves, it is much stronger than a thought you 175 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,360 Speaker 1: have at them. You may tell someone that they are 176 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:06,600 Speaker 1: beautiful and wonderful and smart and intelligent, but if they 177 00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 1: don't see it, if they don't notice it themselves, it 178 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:16,599 Speaker 1: will never satisfy them. They have to feel it about themselves. 179 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: So you may say, how do I help this person? Well, 180 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: for this person, anything you say, they may cancel it 181 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: out right. If you say to them, hey, well why 182 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 1: don't you take a moment to think about things you 183 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,720 Speaker 1: like about yourself, they may cancel it out and say, oh, 184 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 1: I could give you a long list about things I 185 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,599 Speaker 1: don't like about myself. And so often with these individuals. 186 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,959 Speaker 1: The greatest thing you can do is move out of 187 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,959 Speaker 1: the way, remove yourself from the equation, and introduce them 188 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,760 Speaker 1: to other people's thoughts. You may say, hey, if you 189 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,560 Speaker 1: read thing like a monk or on purpose, or have 190 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: you wants this interview or whatever that they're into. You 191 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 1: may introduce them to other insights, to other voices. And 192 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:58,559 Speaker 1: often we have to do that with the people closest 193 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 1: to us, the people closest to me. I have to 194 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,240 Speaker 1: introduce them to other people to get through to them, 195 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,559 Speaker 1: because it's always the way. We don't want to be 196 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,319 Speaker 1: influenced by the people closest to us. There's some ego 197 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,800 Speaker 1: that blocks us from learning from people we know, and 198 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:17,680 Speaker 1: that is the most ridiculous way that ego protects itself 199 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,319 Speaker 1: and it's prestige by saying I will not learn from 200 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,600 Speaker 1: people that I am close to. I will only learn 201 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: from people I don't know, and that is a mistake. 202 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:28,280 Speaker 1: Look around right now, look at the people you're surrounded by, 203 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 1: Look at your closest friends, and think to yourself, Wow, 204 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 1: she's amazing. She's an incredible yoga instructor. He's awesome. He 205 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,679 Speaker 1: knows everything there is to know about how to cook 206 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 1: in a healthy way. They are amazing because that person 207 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: knows everything about money and investments and finances. Look at 208 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 1: your immediate circle right now, and I promise you your 209 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: life will improve drastically. So again, by introducing them to 210 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: other people, you realize the value in your own life 211 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,960 Speaker 1: of you meeting other people. See, everything you're doing for 212 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,200 Speaker 1: someone else is something you can do for yourself, and 213 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: we often miss that that the value you create in 214 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,800 Speaker 1: someone else's life shows you a value that you're missing 215 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:15,440 Speaker 1: in your own. When you start introducing them to a 216 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,360 Speaker 1: book or a person, you may think to yourself, Oh, yeah, 217 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,760 Speaker 1: I can't believe I've never picked their brain. I know 218 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: that person so deeply. Think about that for your own life. 219 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,120 Speaker 1: Is that with someone who cancels something out often you 220 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: have to cancel yourself out of their life and introduce 221 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,600 Speaker 1: them to new people. The third type of negative person 222 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: is the casualty. The world is always against them, Everyone 223 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 1: always has it in for them, and they look at 224 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,040 Speaker 1: life through that lens where even the person walking across 225 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 1: the street doesn't look at them. The barista didn't write 226 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: their name correctly, and they feel it was unique to them. 227 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: Right when we know that that's part of the technique 228 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: that Starbucks and other coffee shops use where they write 229 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 1: your name in correct so you post it on Instagram. 230 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,160 Speaker 1: But for them, it's like no, no, no, that was 231 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,960 Speaker 1: about me. And the thing is that sometimes they might 232 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: be right right. We do all have bosses that have 233 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: it in for us, So we do have people that 234 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: we meet that feel intimidated by us. Of course that's reality, 235 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,400 Speaker 1: but now they amplify that and extend that to each 236 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 1: and every person, and it starts to ruin their relationships. 237 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:24,480 Speaker 1: It starts to wreck their ability to form deep bonds 238 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:28,440 Speaker 1: with other people. For this individual, we have to be 239 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,960 Speaker 1: careful because what we don't want to do is try 240 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,560 Speaker 1: and get them to trust everyone, because that isn't smart either. 241 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,720 Speaker 1: We all have people in our life that we have 242 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: to be careful with how we build trust. But this 243 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:46,640 Speaker 1: person needs to experience a group of people that are 244 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: positive about them. They need to be encouraged to spend 245 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: time with people and notice the good in them. Now, 246 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:57,200 Speaker 1: with the casualties, it give me really really hard because 247 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,760 Speaker 1: that's how they see life. And this is where I'd 248 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,840 Speaker 1: like to share with you the twenty five seventy five principle. 249 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 1: For every negative person in your life, have three uplifting people. 250 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,440 Speaker 1: I try to surround myself with people who are better 251 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:16,600 Speaker 1: than I am in some way, happier, more spiritual, more focused. 252 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:20,520 Speaker 1: In life, As in sports, being around better players pushes 253 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,080 Speaker 1: you to grow. Like you don't get good at tennis 254 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,760 Speaker 1: by playing with someone who's worse than you. You You don't 255 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: get good at pickleball by playing with someone who's not competitive. 256 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,560 Speaker 1: I don't mean for you to take this so literally 257 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,680 Speaker 1: that you label each of your friends either negative or uplifting, 258 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: but aim for the feeling that at least seventy five 259 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: percent of your time is spent with people who inspire 260 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,800 Speaker 1: you rather than bring you down. You can do your 261 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 1: part in making a friendship and uplifting exchange. So this 262 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: isn't just about saying do people uplift me? It's the 263 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,640 Speaker 1: question do we uplift each other? Have you ever had 264 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: one bad moment spoil your entire day, or felt overwhelmed 265 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: for no reason? What about stressed or anxious over that 266 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:05,679 Speaker 1: big moment or difficult conversation. You should try meditation. And 267 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,119 Speaker 1: I know what you're thinking, Jay, you used to be 268 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: a monk. I don't have time to sit in the 269 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,800 Speaker 1: woods for hours doing nothing, but really all the time 270 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: you need to start your own mindfulness practice is seven 271 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,880 Speaker 1: minutes a day with the Daily j my daily guided 272 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,800 Speaker 1: meditations on the car mapp. You don't need to close 273 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,440 Speaker 1: your eyes or find a special seat. You can try 274 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,879 Speaker 1: it while you brush your teeth, do the dishes, or 275 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,360 Speaker 1: walk your dog. My goal in seven minutes a day 276 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,040 Speaker 1: is to help you find a calm and feel grounded 277 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,639 Speaker 1: in your busy world, plant beautiful intentions for an abundant 278 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,720 Speaker 1: life and simple steps for positive actions to get you 279 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,439 Speaker 1: closer to the life of your dreams. Here's what one 280 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,560 Speaker 1: of the listeners of the Daily Jay had to say 281 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 1: about their meditation. Wow, I just had a super hard 282 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 1: day at work and couldn't get my boss's comments out 283 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: of my head. Then I did the Daily JA which 284 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: related to my work issues, opened my eyes at the 285 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:59,359 Speaker 1: end of the session and felt renewed again. Previously today 286 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,919 Speaker 1: would have destroyed my whole weekend. Meditate with me by 287 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,440 Speaker 1: going to calm dot com forward slash Jay to get 288 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,879 Speaker 1: forty percent of a Calm Premium membership. That's only forty 289 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,080 Speaker 1: two dollars for the whole year for Daily guided meditations, 290 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: experience the daily j only on calm. I was speaking 291 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,680 Speaker 1: to one of my friends this year, who I see 292 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,679 Speaker 1: once a month without fail, and then now we've been 293 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,520 Speaker 1: nearly seeing each other once a week, and we decided 294 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,680 Speaker 1: that the value for our friendship together this year would 295 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: be friendship, fun and fitness. Right. I know it sounds cheesy, 296 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,240 Speaker 1: but we love it. Right. It's like that idea though, 297 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: that it's not that I'm expecting him to lift me up. 298 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 1: I'm not saying, oh, he's an uplifting friend because he 299 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,520 Speaker 1: makes me feel better. No, no, no, no no, it's 300 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,479 Speaker 1: a friend that I can grow with together. It's a 301 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: friend that we can lift each other up. Right, don't 302 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,440 Speaker 1: just spend time with the people you love, grow with them, 303 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,880 Speaker 1: Take a class, read a book, do a workshop. Sunga 304 00:18:56,200 --> 00:19:00,040 Speaker 1: is the Sanskrit word for community, and it suggests a 305 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:04,240 Speaker 1: refuge where people serve and inspire each other. So I 306 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,880 Speaker 1: want you to think about your songer, right, I want 307 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,640 Speaker 1: you to think about the people you spend time with. 308 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: And yes, you may have a friend who's always being 309 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: a casualty, but you therefore need friends that you are 310 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,920 Speaker 1: uplifting yourself with. And guess what when this casualty friend 311 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,840 Speaker 1: sees that they're going to want to join in. They're 312 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: going to learn by your example. Now, the fourth type 313 00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:30,400 Speaker 1: of negative person that we come across is called the critic. 314 00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 1: This person is always criticizing others. They're always looking for 315 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:42,160 Speaker 1: flaws and faults in others. I heard about this from 316 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,920 Speaker 1: a friend the other day that, you know, they went 317 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,040 Speaker 1: out for an event and then on the way back, 318 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,480 Speaker 1: one of the people that was attending the event couldn't 319 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: stop talking bad about the person whose event they just 320 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,000 Speaker 1: went to. And I was thinking, how sad is that 321 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: that we're going to some event or we're going to 322 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:05,119 Speaker 1: someone's Instagram profile and then we're talking bad about them. 323 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,879 Speaker 1: But that person never asked you to be there, That 324 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 1: person never forced you to be there. That person's not 325 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 1: asking you for your attention. They're just doing their thing. 326 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,919 Speaker 1: And if someone's just doing their thing on TikTok or 327 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: Instagram and we don't like it, I mean we don't 328 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:20,639 Speaker 1: have to go to their page, we don't have to 329 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:24,040 Speaker 1: engage with it. But some people want to be critical 330 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:29,680 Speaker 1: in the comment section, and these fall under the critics, right. 331 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,879 Speaker 1: They judge others for either having a different opinion or 332 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,959 Speaker 1: not having one for any choices they've made that are 333 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,680 Speaker 1: different from what the critic would have done. Or sometimes 334 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,440 Speaker 1: I see people just obsessing over criticizing anything right like it. 335 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,399 Speaker 1: It's crazy that we have so much time to criticize others. 336 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,560 Speaker 1: And I find out the more time you spend time 337 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 1: criticizing others, you block yourself from creating the life you want. 338 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 1: Sometimes when I go on a hike in LA, you 339 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: can get pretty high up. And if you get high 340 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 1: up on a hike in LA, you can look at 341 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 1: a lot of homes. Imagine you spent your time. They're 342 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,159 Speaker 1: sitting there criticizing those homes, going, oh I would have 343 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,560 Speaker 1: built it that way, or that pools on the wrong side, 344 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: or oh I would have planted the trees differently. I 345 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: don't like the garden in that one. Now, all that 346 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:21,240 Speaker 1: time that you've spent criticizing that person's home, you've missed 347 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,879 Speaker 1: out on time creating your own. And that's what's happening 348 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 1: in the real world, is that we waste so much time. 349 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 1: If we spent as much time as we do looking 350 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:36,879 Speaker 1: at celebrity lives and marriages and relationships, if we spend 351 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 1: that much effort on our own lives and relationships. Our 352 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,440 Speaker 1: lives would change. If we spent the amount of time 353 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,919 Speaker 1: we spend obsessing about what's going on in the news 354 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:49,760 Speaker 1: as we did about our own journey, our lives would change. 355 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,160 Speaker 1: And the thing is, obsession is different to learning. If 356 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,719 Speaker 1: you're observing someone else's life and you're learning from it, 357 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,760 Speaker 1: like we do on on purpose. When we sit down 358 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,720 Speaker 1: with a celebrity or an academic, or we sit down 359 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,640 Speaker 1: with a CEO or an entrepreneur, we're trying to learn 360 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,800 Speaker 1: from their lives. What we're not trying to do is 361 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,280 Speaker 1: just talk about their lives. And so I learned this 362 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:12,399 Speaker 1: activity when I lived as a monk, and it really 363 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 1: has stayed with me and I want to do it more. 364 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,600 Speaker 1: And we had to keep a tally of every criticism 365 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:22,600 Speaker 1: we spoke or thought. For each one, we had to 366 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:28,239 Speaker 1: write down ten good things about the person. It was 367 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:33,080 Speaker 1: hard we were living together in close quarters. Issues came up, 368 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,720 Speaker 1: most of them Petty. The average time for a monk 369 00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: shower was four minutes. When there was a line at 370 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 1: the showers, we would take bets on who was taking 371 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,080 Speaker 1: too long. This was the only betting we did, of course, 372 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 1: because monks and though the snorers were relegated to their 373 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,880 Speaker 1: own room. Sometimes new practitioners emerged and we rated their 374 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 1: snores on a scale of motorcycles. This monks of vesper 375 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,800 Speaker 1: that one's a Harley Davidson. I went through the exercise, 376 00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:02,440 Speaker 1: dutifully noting every criticism. Next to each I jotted down 377 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,119 Speaker 1: ten positive qualities about that person. The point of the 378 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 1: exercise wasn't hard to figure it out. Every person was 379 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,760 Speaker 1: more good than bad, but seeing it on the page 380 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:17,199 Speaker 1: made the ratio sink in. This helped me see my 381 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: own weaknesses differently. I tended to focus on my mistakes 382 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,720 Speaker 1: without balancing them against my strengths. When I found myself 383 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,919 Speaker 1: being self critical, I reminded myself that I too had 384 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 1: positive qualities. Putting my negative qualities in context helped me 385 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,760 Speaker 1: recognize the same ratio in myself that I'm more good 386 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,760 Speaker 1: than bad. Now, I want you to think about that 387 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,480 Speaker 1: for a second. That when you're asked to write down 388 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,440 Speaker 1: ten good things about someone you're criticizing, it puts things 389 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,920 Speaker 1: into perspective. It makes you do some research. You start 390 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,160 Speaker 1: realizing how little you know the person. In reality, right, 391 00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:55,320 Speaker 1: we have to make so many judgments and criticisms about 392 00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:58,320 Speaker 1: people we don't even know, about people we don't even understand. 393 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 1: We discuss people's marriage is if we know them inside out, 394 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,840 Speaker 1: but we have no clue. We discuss other people's decisions 395 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,800 Speaker 1: or what they say without knowing them. Imagine someone did 396 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,439 Speaker 1: that to us. When people do that to us, it 397 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: courses us so much pain, courses us so much pain. 398 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,400 Speaker 1: When you write down ten good things, you're not trying 399 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:24,679 Speaker 1: to excuse that person's negative choice. You're helping yourself realize 400 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,360 Speaker 1: the reality that we're all struggling with something. We all 401 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:31,920 Speaker 1: have some flaws, and let's realize that we criticize others 402 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 1: because deep down we're still criticizing ourselves. The next type 403 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,880 Speaker 1: of negative person or should I say negative personality trait 404 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:45,440 Speaker 1: because there are no negative people, is commanders give me 405 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: more of your time. How many people in your life 406 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:52,160 Speaker 1: no demand your time, they expect your time, They make 407 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,639 Speaker 1: you feel bad for not spending time with them. This 408 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 1: one I've always found very difficult because I'm married to 409 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,280 Speaker 1: my best friend and incredible human. Rather, for those of 410 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,119 Speaker 1: you who obviously know and rather, since we've been together 411 00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:09,880 Speaker 1: we've nearly been together ten years now, has been the 412 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:14,000 Speaker 1: least demanding person over my time and energy. She's given 413 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: me freedom, she's given me choice. I've given it back. 414 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,520 Speaker 1: She has the same, and we have this relationship where 415 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,919 Speaker 1: there's a lot of trust, there's a high degree of 416 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:26,040 Speaker 1: space and freedom, and we don't make each other feel 417 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,359 Speaker 1: bad when we can't spend time with each other because 418 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:30,439 Speaker 1: we know that we do want to spend time with 419 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:35,040 Speaker 1: each other. So I'm surrounded by a wife who's not demanding, 420 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 1: and I'm not demanding back, and I'm very grateful for 421 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,159 Speaker 1: my mum and my sister or my father who are 422 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,840 Speaker 1: also the same where we love spending time together. We 423 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,359 Speaker 1: spend good quality time together, but we don't make each 424 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 1: other feel bad when we're not available. And so when 425 00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:51,560 Speaker 1: I have a friend in my life or a person 426 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,040 Speaker 1: in my life sometimes not even as close as a friend, 427 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,320 Speaker 1: and they're making me feel bad for not having time 428 00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:00,560 Speaker 1: for them, that starts to get really tough for me. 429 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,760 Speaker 1: I've struggled with that because actually, the people closest to 430 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,600 Speaker 1: me in my life and not demanding. So how do 431 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,159 Speaker 1: you deal with someone who's commanding. The first thing is 432 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: you give up the people pleasing inside of you, and 433 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,399 Speaker 1: you become honest with them about how much time you have. 434 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,360 Speaker 1: I've been really honest with people and said to them, Hey, 435 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,320 Speaker 1: just so you know, I really would love to spend 436 00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:24,600 Speaker 1: more time with you, but my priority right now is 437 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,800 Speaker 1: my wife and my work, and this is where I'm 438 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 1: putting my energy. And if I do have more, I 439 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,520 Speaker 1: would definitely let you know. But the rest of the 440 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: time I'm using for self preservation. I'm not saying that 441 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,240 Speaker 1: in a mean way or a spiteful way, or a 442 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,520 Speaker 1: holier than that way, or a superior way. I don't 443 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: believe I'm better than them. It's just that being honest 444 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 1: is so much better than either forcing myself and exhausting 445 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:54,159 Speaker 1: myself or ignoring them. So often what we do is 446 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:57,560 Speaker 1: that we force ourselves as we exhaust ourselves to be 447 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: there for other people. Then we feel tired, Then we 448 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,600 Speaker 1: feel upset with ourselves, and then we feel upset with them. 449 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 1: That's one cycle. Or the other cycle that we choose 450 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,880 Speaker 1: to do is we choose to ignore them, we choose 451 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,360 Speaker 1: to distance ourselves from them, or we choose to tell 452 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,560 Speaker 1: them our boundaries without telling them why we have that boundary. 453 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,080 Speaker 1: I found that telling people I'm unavailable is different to 454 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: saying I'm really tired tonight, I'd love a night in 455 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:26,600 Speaker 1: on my own. It makes such a difference. You're not 456 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,760 Speaker 1: telling someone you don't want to see them. You're telling 457 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,399 Speaker 1: someone you want to see yourself. Right, you're not telling 458 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,439 Speaker 1: someone you don't want to meet them. You're telling someone 459 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:41,480 Speaker 1: you want to meet with yourself. That makes all the difference. 460 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,720 Speaker 1: It makes the biggest difference in the world, that simple clarification. 461 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: And now the commander might be upset in the short term, 462 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,600 Speaker 1: they might even be repeatedly upset because they still have 463 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 1: this demand and a feeling of ownership over your time 464 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,800 Speaker 1: for some reason. But the truth is, deep down they 465 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,760 Speaker 1: know that you haven't said anything hurtful and that you 466 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:05,080 Speaker 1: haven't done anything that's against them. So setting boundaries it's 467 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,320 Speaker 1: really healthy with the commander type, because otherwise that can 468 00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:11,160 Speaker 1: get really draining when you think someone believes they are 469 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 1: entitled to your time when they don't have an engagement 470 00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:19,960 Speaker 1: deeply in your life. Now, there are two more types 471 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: of negative traits that I'd love to share with you. 472 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:31,000 Speaker 1: This one, the sixth one is the competitor. My success 473 00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:35,480 Speaker 1: is more successful than your success. Right, It's like you 474 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:37,880 Speaker 1: say something and they have to one up you. Oh, 475 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 1: me and my friend are going to Carbo for the week. 476 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,840 Speaker 1: Oh we went to Carbo last year. This year we're 477 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: going to Hawaii. Right. Oh, Mia, you know we we 478 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,800 Speaker 1: just finally broke through that six figures in our business. 479 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,000 Speaker 1: It's doing really really well. Oh yeah, we did that 480 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:54,920 Speaker 1: like three years ago, right. Or oh we won this award. 481 00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, but you know they just give them out right, 482 00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: they're not even real awards. Right. There's someone who always 483 00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 1: has something to say about your success, and it's someone 484 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,040 Speaker 1: who's bringing that competition into your life when you're not 485 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: trying to compete. I remember I used to have a 486 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 1: friend growing up who used to always tell me, this 487 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: is in our teens, very young. You're about to hear 488 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:14,360 Speaker 1: how young and stupid I was. But I had a 489 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:17,160 Speaker 1: friend who'd always say, let's see who can get more 490 00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,960 Speaker 1: girls numbers tonight, right, like that kind of an attitude. 491 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:21,960 Speaker 1: And I would always say to him, I'd be like, well, 492 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 1: I'm not I don't want to compete with you, because 493 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,120 Speaker 1: I'd like to just get one girl's numbers, Like I 494 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,480 Speaker 1: don't want lots of numbers. That doesn't that's not kind 495 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,120 Speaker 1: of what I'm looking for. And for him, it was 496 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 1: always just let's see who can get more, Let's see 497 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,959 Speaker 1: who can do this, and I found that I started 498 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 1: to gravitate towards people who wanted equality, who didn't want 499 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,120 Speaker 1: to compete with me. I'd say, all my friends who've 500 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: lasted the test of time, who've been my friends for 501 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:50,240 Speaker 1: a long time, are all people who may be competitive 502 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:52,680 Speaker 1: in their own world and in their own space, but 503 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:54,760 Speaker 1: they don't want to compete with me. I'm their friend. 504 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:57,560 Speaker 1: So I said a very clear rule that I don't 505 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 1: want my closest friends to be people i'm compete And 506 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:02,880 Speaker 1: in order to make that clear, what I would do 507 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 1: is I would always celebrate my friend's successes, and I 508 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:10,480 Speaker 1: would share my successes, but not in context to anyone else. 509 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,160 Speaker 1: I would share them as aligned with my own goals. 510 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,240 Speaker 1: The way you communicate your success and the way you 511 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 1: communicate about other people's success has a big, big impact 512 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,080 Speaker 1: on how they perceive you and what your goal is 513 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:28,920 Speaker 1: as well. And the final one is the controller. You 514 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 1: can only do what I say, and when someone who 515 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,040 Speaker 1: makes you change all your plans, someone who always tells 516 00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:37,280 Speaker 1: everyone that it needs to be done this way, someone 517 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:40,640 Speaker 1: who needs to have all of that control, This person 518 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,520 Speaker 1: can be extremely difficult right They monitor and try to 519 00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:46,640 Speaker 1: direct how their friends or partners spend time and who 520 00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,520 Speaker 1: they spend time with and what choices they make. These 521 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 1: can be some of the hardest, negative toxic traits to 522 00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:57,240 Speaker 1: spend time with and hang around with. And the only 523 00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:01,960 Speaker 1: way you operate around this person is by doing what 524 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:06,080 Speaker 1: you want but without trying to put that person down. 525 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:10,360 Speaker 1: You're rebelling for your freedom, but you're not rebelling with 526 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:14,959 Speaker 1: their ideology if they force something to happen and you 527 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: choose to make another choice. And notice how so much 528 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:20,520 Speaker 1: of this is us giving up our own ego. The 529 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,000 Speaker 1: reason why we complain about these people or we're affected 530 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:25,480 Speaker 1: by these people is because we don't want them to 531 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,440 Speaker 1: think we're not nice people. But we think they're not 532 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:31,080 Speaker 1: nice people. But then we give up who we are 533 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,960 Speaker 1: just so that they don't think we're nice people. Ultimately, 534 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,640 Speaker 1: it comes down to are you willing to let go 535 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,480 Speaker 1: of the fact that not everyone is going to like you, 536 00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,440 Speaker 1: not everyone is going to understand you, and not everyone 537 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:46,520 Speaker 1: is meant for you. Not everyone is meant for you. 538 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:50,040 Speaker 1: What a refreshing feeling, and you are not meant for everyone. 539 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 1: You are going to find your people. You are going 540 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:56,600 Speaker 1: to find your tribe, go and search and seek for them. 541 00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: When we move to New York and then moved to 542 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:02,720 Speaker 1: LA we have been seeing our community. So there are 543 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:08,320 Speaker 1: seven types of negative traits complainers, cancelers, casualties, critics, commanders, competitors, controllers, 544 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,560 Speaker 1: and I've shared with you a number of strategies today 545 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,600 Speaker 1: of how to deal with each of them. Practice these, 546 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:18,800 Speaker 1: implement these, experiment with these, and watch how your life changes. 547 00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:22,120 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening to today. I hope 548 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,760 Speaker 1: that you enjoyed today's episode. I can't wait for the 549 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 1: next one. And please, it would mean the world to 550 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: me if you leave a review. When nearly an eighteen thousand, 551 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:33,720 Speaker 1: I would love, love, love to get to twenty thousand 552 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,240 Speaker 1: by the end of this year. Please, please, please go 553 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,400 Speaker 1: and leave a review. I'm going to read a couple 554 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,960 Speaker 1: that I really loved, and please leave your name. This 555 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,680 Speaker 1: is from Alexis Ross Jay. I'm such a fan. I've 556 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,600 Speaker 1: been listening to your podcast from the start, and as 557 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,720 Speaker 1: a clinician myself, I find it incredibly grounding and therapeutic. 558 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:56,360 Speaker 1: You have a real gift and each episode touches on 559 00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: such relevant topics I'm so grateful for you and what 560 00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,080 Speaker 1: you share with the world through your work. I've shared 561 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,560 Speaker 1: this podcast with many friends, family, and patience. And that 562 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 1: is a five star review from Alexis Ross Alexis, thank 563 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: you so much. And this one is from Zach five stars. Again. 564 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:16,080 Speaker 1: As a man in a traditionally masculine job, this podcast 565 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:19,840 Speaker 1: has really helped me rethink and grow emotionally and reflect 566 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,800 Speaker 1: through a lot of transition this year, I've been feverishly 567 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,920 Speaker 1: devouring episodes and enjoy everyone with Jay. Thanks Zach. I 568 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:30,760 Speaker 1: appreciate you. I mean, there are some huge, beautiful reviews here. 569 00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:33,920 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. And this is from El Gomez. 570 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 1: I started listening to Jay when the pandemic started. Since 571 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,600 Speaker 1: then I could not stop listening. I look forward to 572 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 1: Monday and Friday mornings to listen in Every show always 573 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,360 Speaker 1: relates to some part of my current life. Helps me 574 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,600 Speaker 1: reflect and find ways to do better to live a 575 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:51,360 Speaker 1: more mindful and intentional life. I really appreciate you Jay. 576 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,320 Speaker 1: I'm thankful I ran into your podcast. So far, my 577 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,680 Speaker 1: favorite podcasts have been with Russ and Big Sean. Love them. 578 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 1: Thank you for another five star review. You, Like I said, 579 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,160 Speaker 1: I deeply appreciate them, and i just want you to 580 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,160 Speaker 1: know that I'm on this journey with you. I'm not stopping. 581 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 1: I'm here for you, and I'm on this journey with you. 582 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:12,280 Speaker 1: And as you keep committing to on purpose, I deeply 583 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,040 Speaker 1: continue to commit to you. Can't wait to meet you all, 584 00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:19,359 Speaker 1: sending you so much love. Can't wait to see how 585 00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:20,200 Speaker 1: your life changes.