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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with

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Speaker 1: what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode

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Speaker 1: of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners

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Speaker 1: like you send to me at Katherine at therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com. Quick reminder before we get into today's question

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Speaker 1: that this podcast does not serve as a substitute or

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Speaker 1: a replacement for any actual mental health services, but we

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Speaker 1: always hope that it can help you in some way.

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Speaker 1: So today is going to be an og couch Talks

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Speaker 1: episode where I actually read the question and we talk

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Speaker 1: about it. And I want to also highlight that all

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Speaker 1: of these always are going to remain anonymous, so you

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Speaker 1: don't have to worry about me reading your name or

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Speaker 1: anybody finding out who you are. The only information I

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Speaker 1: will share is the information in the email that you

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Speaker 1: sent to me in the question. So let's get into

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Speaker 1: this week's question. Hey, Kat, I'm talking to my therapist

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Speaker 1: about this, but I wanted to get your thoughts too.

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Speaker 1: My boyfriend asked for space and time alone for him

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Speaker 1: to process a conversation. That we had, and also just

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Speaker 1: life in general, because he's been stressed in all aspects,

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Speaker 1: feeling lost and seeking peace, which for him is in solitude.

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Speaker 1: He asked me not to reach out to him and

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Speaker 1: didn't give me a timeline of how long we wouldn't talk.

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Speaker 1: I want to respect his need for space, but I'm struggling.

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Speaker 1: It's been a week today since our face to face

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Speaker 1: conversation and I haven't talked to him since. How do

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Speaker 1: I respect his need for space but also express what

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Speaker 1: I need in this relationship. I don't know where we

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Speaker 1: stand and just want to have a further discussion about

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Speaker 1: our relationship. For background, we've been together for twelve years.

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Speaker 1: He has done this once before, three years ago, but

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Speaker 1: he told me a two week timeframe. Then The time

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Speaker 1: alone did seem to help him mentally. He's always been

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Speaker 1: the type to recharge with alone time. I want to

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Speaker 1: support him the best I can, but not talking to

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Speaker 1: him and the uncertainty of our relationship has me stressed

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Speaker 1: in this time of part. Thanks for your input. I

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Speaker 1: am so grateful that you sent this question in and

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Speaker 1: that you are trusting me with this, because this does

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Speaker 1: sound really stressful and really hard, and I don't know.

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Speaker 1: The word that's coming to me is scary, like it's

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Speaker 1: being in such a dark, unknown place with no information.

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Speaker 1: And I also want to say, this is kind of

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Speaker 1: hard for me to fully answer fairly because I have

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Speaker 1: no context of what that conversation was about in how

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Speaker 1: it went. It was something simple, if it was something

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Speaker 1: around I mean politics, especially right now with how heightened

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Speaker 1: everybody is, if it was something about your relationship in

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Speaker 1: general and what you want for your future and how

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Speaker 1: that is conflicting, or if it was just about him

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Speaker 1: or just about you. I don't know how elevated it

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Speaker 1: was or any of the details of that. So I'm

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Speaker 1: going to answer this as best as I can without

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Speaker 1: the information, but it would help me understand that ask

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Speaker 1: for such an extreme need in this moment, it could

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Speaker 1: make sense and also could not make sense. I also

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Speaker 1: want to highlight that leaving for an undisclosed time sounds

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Speaker 1: like an extreme reaction. Now you ask, how do I

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Speaker 1: respect his need for space and also express what I

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Speaker 1: need in this relationship, And the first thing that came

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Speaker 1: to mind was there's a difference in asking for space

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Speaker 1: and avoiding a relationship or avoiding a problem or an

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Speaker 1: issue space doesn't have to be ten minutes. It can

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Speaker 1: be a day, it can be a couple of days.

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Speaker 1: What is concerning to me is the undisclosed amount of

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Speaker 1: time where you were asked not to reach out. The

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Speaker 1: lack of information is unkind and a little chaotic scary.

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Speaker 1: It does not give safe and energy in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: You want to feel safe and heard and understood and

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Speaker 1: to really answer your question, how do I respect his

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Speaker 1: need for space and also express my needs in the relationship.

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Speaker 1: You can express them all livelong day, but I think

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Speaker 1: we have to ask a little bit of a harder question.

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Speaker 1: Do his needs allow for space for my needs and

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Speaker 1: vice versa. If his needs are space, his version of

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Speaker 1: space a prolonged and definite cutting off of communication, then

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Speaker 1: there isn't any room for your needs right here. You

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Speaker 1: can ask for them, but that would be going against

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Speaker 1: what he has told you to do. So I think

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Speaker 1: you're set up to not have like a fighting chance

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Speaker 1: to actually get your needs met. You kind of are

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Speaker 1: shut down from the beginning. Both of you have to

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Speaker 1: fit into this equation, and I think when it comes

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Speaker 1: to couples and relationships, this is where we really bump

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Speaker 1: up against each other. So many times, whether it's in

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Speaker 1: big arguments are small, it becomes my needs versus their

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Speaker 1: needs instead of our needs and what the relationlationship needs

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Speaker 1: to grow, heal and thrive. If one person's needs remove

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Speaker 1: all of the oxygen for the needs of the relationship,

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Speaker 1: there's going to be an unhealthy dynamic at play and

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Speaker 1: you will have to ignore your own needs in order

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Speaker 1: for the relationship to survive. And when I say survive,

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Speaker 1: I mean function doesn't mean that it's functioning healthy. You

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Speaker 1: can function in a very codependent relationship as long as

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Speaker 1: you have the dependent and the codependent. It doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: it's healthy. It doesn't mean it's something that ideally we

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Speaker 1: would want. But unhealthy dynamics can work for a long

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Speaker 1: time as long as both players are committing to those

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Speaker 1: two unhealthy roles. If you have an unhealthy, chaotic dynamic

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Speaker 1: and then one partner starts to heal and starts to

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Speaker 1: speak their needs and is getting healthy and there is

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Speaker 1: no longer wanting to play into that system, that unhealthy system,

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Speaker 1: then the relationship will not work because it functions off

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Speaker 1: of dysfunction. And so so I want you to think about,

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Speaker 1: is this relationship functional in a healthy way, or is

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Speaker 1: it functioning out of our dysfunction and the dysfunctional patterns

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Speaker 1: we have created and built, And am I okay with that?

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Speaker 1: It's not my job, or a therapist's job, or anybody's

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Speaker 1: job to tell you what you should do or want,

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Speaker 1: or what kind of relationship you should want. I think

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Speaker 1: that's up to us to decide what kind of a

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Speaker 1: relationship do we want, and then we have the responsibility

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Speaker 1: of identifying if the relationship we were in allows for that,

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Speaker 1: and if not, what we're willing to do with that information,

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Speaker 1: what we're willing to do with that insight. This dynamic,

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Speaker 1: from the little that I know, it almost feels like

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Speaker 1: a prolonged form of stonewalling, but disguised as something kind.

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Speaker 1: I think that in the more recent years of mental

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Speaker 1: health on social media, boundary in space and needs and

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Speaker 1: all of that stuff has become very exaggerated, where it

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Speaker 1: becomes this black or white, all or nothing experience, and

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Speaker 1: you can't argue with somebody if they're expressing something that

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Speaker 1: they need, even if it is I don't want to

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Speaker 1: use the word delusional, but somewhat out of bounds. We're

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Speaker 1: really quick to cut people off. We're really quick to

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Speaker 1: have no ability to withstain any type of discomfort. We

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Speaker 1: are just cutting things off and not allowing other people

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Speaker 1: to have their experience of what that's like. We just

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Speaker 1: have become these all are nothing. Very individualistic people in

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Speaker 1: some spaces, and I think that often comes because we

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Speaker 1: take things out of context and we use advice that

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Speaker 1: we hear, and I mean, I could be part of

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Speaker 1: the problem because I am the one that has a

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Speaker 1: podcast on mental health. But we take things and we

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Speaker 1: use them as blankets for all situations when a lot

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Speaker 1: of what therapy is and what finding what is best

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Speaker 1: for us is looking at our relationships and looking at

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Speaker 1: our scenarios in their own unique way. There's not a

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Speaker 1: one size fits all. It's not my way or the highway.

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Speaker 1: It's not if I don't want to tolerate something, everybody

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Speaker 1: else else has to change their life for me else

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Speaker 1: I'm going to cut them out of my life. I

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Speaker 1: think that is something I've talked about on here. Those

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Speaker 1: waters have just become a little murky. So I think

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Speaker 1: two things. One, I really want you to ask yourself

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Speaker 1: the question, is there space for my needs and my

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Speaker 1: partner's needs in this relationship? Are we both that both

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Speaker 1: of you are part of that. Are we creating an

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Speaker 1: allowing space for both people? Now, sometimes that might shift

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Speaker 1: and change, that's part of compromise. So sometimes things are

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Speaker 1: shifted more towards one person and sometimes things are shifted

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Speaker 1: more towards the other person. But consistently, is there space

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Speaker 1: for both needs here? And if not, is that because

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Speaker 1: we're incompatible and our needs are incompatible? Or is that

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Speaker 1: because this relationship is just based off of dysfunction. So

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Speaker 1: that's the first thing I want to just give you

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Speaker 1: to think about. And the next thing is, as I

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Speaker 1: was talking about this, I am preparing next Monday's episode

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Speaker 1: a little early, not that early because it's only six

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Speaker 1: days away, but it actually, interestingly enough, is kind of

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Speaker 1: making me think about the episode, Like this question is

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Speaker 1: kind of making me think about the episode for next Monday.

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Speaker 1: So I would tune in and listen to that. If

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Speaker 1: this is striking a chord with you, I'm talking about

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Speaker 1: kind of taking agency and using our own insight, So

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Speaker 1: that could be helpful. So answer that question, think about

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Speaker 1: that question, still on that question, and that might give

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Speaker 1: you some guidance or some feedback or some understanding that

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Speaker 1: you're needing right now, and then I would follow up

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Speaker 1: with Monday's episode because it kind of talks about the

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Speaker 1: nuance and the struggles with acknowledging the reality of where

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Speaker 1: we are. So I hope that was helpful. You can

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Speaker 1: follow us on Instagram at you Need Therapy Podcasts and

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Speaker 1: at cat dot Defada and until Monday. I hope you

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Speaker 1: guys have the day you need to have. Thanks guys, Bye,