1 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,920 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:58,080 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. 14 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,400 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You 15 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,600 Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the 16 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:07,760 Speaker 1: host and quicker minded before we get started. This podcast 17 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,200 Speaker 1: does not serve as a replacement or substitute for any 18 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: actual mental health services. However, we always hope that it 19 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: can help you in some way on whatever journey you 20 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:20,040 Speaker 1: are on. Now. Today is a solo episode, so it's 21 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 1: just me talking to y'all, and we've actually talked about 22 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 1: what I'm going to be discussing today a couple times. 23 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 1: But you know, I could actually have a whole separate 24 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,800 Speaker 1: podcast just on this topic and probably never really get well, 25 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: maybe I would get tired of talking about it, but 26 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:40,119 Speaker 1: I don't know that I would run out of reasons 27 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 1: or things to share or a need to talk about 28 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: this in order to help us in our relationships. And 29 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: just as our culture shifts and changes with developing world 30 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:55,280 Speaker 1: of technology and social media, So what are we going 31 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,800 Speaker 1: to be talking about? Performative vulnerability? And We've had a 32 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 1: whole episode on that before, and I want to bring 33 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 1: this conversation back around again today because one, I think 34 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: we can all use a refresher when an issue continues 35 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,600 Speaker 1: to become bigger and bigger and bigger, right, we can 36 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:17,160 Speaker 1: always come back and talk about it a little bit more. 37 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,799 Speaker 1: Sometimes I get a little bit of a oh, I've 38 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,560 Speaker 1: already done that, or you know, I don't want my 39 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,640 Speaker 1: listeners to get bored, and I have to constantly be 40 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 1: bringing new information. But just because I heard something in 41 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 1: twenty twenty one, it doesn't mean that I'm still remembering 42 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: what that was, and it doesn't mean that there aren't 43 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,440 Speaker 1: new ways to apply it in new ways to think 44 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 1: about it in twenty twenty four. And so I am 45 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 1: working on that part for myself of not shutting down 46 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,680 Speaker 1: things that I want to talk about just because I've 47 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: mentioned them before on the podcast. And I also think 48 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,880 Speaker 1: that my idea of this issue becoming bigger as we 49 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 1: move along is a little relative, because I see the 50 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 1: problem from my perspective and from my social media feeds 51 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,680 Speaker 1: and from my community, and not everybody is in that 52 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,880 Speaker 1: same space, and not everybody uses social media and technology 53 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: in the same way. So I do hold that as 54 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 1: I see it happening in a certain way doesn't mean 55 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: it's happening like that for everybody, and especially in every generation. 56 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 1: I'm a millennial, and so that's the perspective I generally 57 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: am coming from, too, is how I grew up in 58 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 1: what the world feels like now, and that can be 59 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: different for people. I've also seen this issue of I say, 60 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,239 Speaker 1: performative vulnerability, but we're also going to be talking about 61 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 1: the difference between vulnerability and oversharing, and I've seen the 62 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:43,440 Speaker 1: misplacement or the misuse of those or the confusion between 63 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:47,400 Speaker 1: those not just show up in our social relationships and 64 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: our friendships and our romantic partnerships and our communities in 65 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: that way, but in other communities, like our working communities, 66 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:59,280 Speaker 1: our work relationships and leadership roles, just in the workplace 67 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 1: in general. And so as we are getting used to 68 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: or more comfortable with the idea of vulnerability and welcoming 69 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,240 Speaker 1: that into certain spaces that it was not welcome in before, 70 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:15,000 Speaker 1: you know how we usually do, the pendulum swings really 71 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,240 Speaker 1: far to one side until we can normalize it and 72 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,279 Speaker 1: stabilize it and get back into a space where it 73 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,280 Speaker 1: actually makes sense. And so I think we do that, 74 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,640 Speaker 1: we get into that all or nothing, black and white, 75 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:29,119 Speaker 1: and so we show up in certain areas that maybe 76 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: we don't want to show up that way in them. 77 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,159 Speaker 1: And I feel like I'm being a little elusive. Is 78 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 1: that the right word. I'm being a little bit cryptic. 79 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 1: I just think sometimes we show up in certain leadership roles. 80 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,360 Speaker 1: We'll use that, for example, in workspaces, and we want 81 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 1: to bring that vulnerability in because that is so helpful. 82 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 1: But oftentimes it turns into performance and it becomes more 83 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,640 Speaker 1: of an overshare and it blurs the lines of our 84 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: relationships and how the order really works, and we might 85 00:04:56,040 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: want it to work in those spaces. Side note, I 86 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,159 Speaker 1: don't know if anybody else is watching this show, but 87 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: I've been watching Dark Matter on Apple TV, and I 88 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 1: don't actually think I am enjoying it very much. It's 89 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,279 Speaker 1: an interesting concept, and I think the first episode was 90 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:18,040 Speaker 1: really interesting. It kind of hooked me in. And this 91 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,720 Speaker 1: is coming from my ADHD brain. There's a lot going on. 92 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:23,600 Speaker 1: You have to pay attention, so it's not a show 93 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: that you can just like have it on the background. 94 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 1: And it's long episodes, like an hour, and I kind 95 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,760 Speaker 1: of like assume I know what's going to happen in 96 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,839 Speaker 1: the end, so I just want to get to it. 97 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,239 Speaker 1: So I've had to really hold myself back in looking 98 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 1: up what happens. We still have two more episodes. Anyway, 99 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,600 Speaker 1: my point in bringing that up this might be a spoiler. 100 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 1: So if you're in the middle of watching this, I 101 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: don't know that this is going to be a spoiler, 102 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 1: but it could be if you're in the middle of 103 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 1: watching this fast forward for like two minutes. But there's 104 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,839 Speaker 1: a show about different kinds of worlds and how for 105 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: every decision we make, there's a different universe, which is 106 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 1: like so confusing and hard for my brain, Like our 107 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,799 Speaker 1: brains can't well I'm goos speak for from my brain. 108 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 1: My brain can't really sit and comprehend how crazy and 109 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: wild and big and infinite that is. So that's maybe 110 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,240 Speaker 1: why part of the show stresses me out. I'm trying 111 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:21,000 Speaker 1: to like contort this idea of these worlds that I 112 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,000 Speaker 1: don't know that that's really real. I'm trying to contort 113 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 1: that into the way that my brain can understand our universe, 114 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 1: and it doesn't fit. And so I have to constantly 115 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,279 Speaker 1: be kind of doing gymnastics in that way when my brain. 116 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: So I think I just you know, figured something out 117 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,039 Speaker 1: as like talking to you guys, that that might be. 118 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,479 Speaker 1: Really why I don't like the show is because I 119 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 1: am tired of working so hard while I'm watching it. Anyway, 120 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 1: the reason I'm bringing this show up is because in it, 121 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 1: one of the worlds that they experienced was a world 122 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: where there was no technology that impacted our emotional and 123 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:59,080 Speaker 1: our social development and our emotional and social engagement and satisfaction. 124 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,839 Speaker 1: That would mean in this world they had flip phones 125 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 1: and there was no digital camera. I was film cameras. 126 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 1: The camera you saw on the show is actually like 127 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,840 Speaker 1: a polaroid. It was to me like that would be 128 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,280 Speaker 1: like my fantasy, Like that is like the world that 129 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,680 Speaker 1: I if I was gonna get stuck in a different one. 130 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 1: That one sounds pretty good. I'm pretty jealous of the 131 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: people that, well, it's not real, the people that get 132 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 1: to live in that world. But I guess that's not real. See, 133 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 1: I am struggling because I work so hard watching this 134 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:36,200 Speaker 1: show and trying to like suspend disbelief that now as 135 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: I'm talking about it, I like forgot that I was 136 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:42,720 Speaker 1: just suspending disbelief and that's not our reality. Anyway, that 137 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,000 Speaker 1: world would be amazing. I would love to live in 138 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 1: that world as a world that I maybe would choose 139 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 1: if I was on that TV show and now that 140 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: was real, And maybe some people do choose to live 141 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: in that world because of how almost you fork it 142 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,840 Speaker 1: really is. Now, even though I would choose to live 143 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: in a world where social media doesn't exist, I still 144 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:04,560 Speaker 1: do not think social media is all bad. I do 145 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:08,000 Speaker 1: not think the technology that we are experiencing in this 146 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: lifetime is all bad. I do think it can be 147 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: fun and it can be connecting. It can be helpful, 148 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: it can be resourceful, very helpful. Actually, I'm going to 149 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,559 Speaker 1: double down on the technology. I mean, there's so many 150 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: things I benefit from, and I often at the same 151 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: time don't think that the helpfulness always and the connection 152 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 1: I get from these things is always worth the cost. 153 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: And that is I would say personal to me. Somebody 154 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,560 Speaker 1: else could say, I do think it's worth the cost. 155 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,320 Speaker 1: Many people would say that. I'm totally okay with that 156 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,200 Speaker 1: not being the case for everybody. I'm speaking from my 157 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 1: personal viewpoint in my life. Also side note, as I 158 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:55,840 Speaker 1: was preparing myself for this episode, I actually deleted TikTok 159 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,520 Speaker 1: from my phone for the second time. I did it 160 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: a while ago because I just felt like it was 161 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,640 Speaker 1: again hurting me more than helping me, and then I 162 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:06,960 Speaker 1: re downloaded it when I was planning a trip. I 163 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,600 Speaker 1: think it was when I was going to Chicago, because 164 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 1: TikTok is so helpful for recommendations. You know, used to 165 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 1: have all those blog posts like best places to eat 166 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,960 Speaker 1: in Chicago or Nashville or New York City, and there's 167 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: so much more of it on TikTok, and you get 168 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,800 Speaker 1: to see pictures and you get to see videos of 169 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: what it really looks like. And again, one of the 170 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 1: reasons I like social media, one of the benefits of 171 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: it is stuff like that. It can also be really 172 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:35,520 Speaker 1: helpful in creativity and getting ideas for design and just 173 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 1: creation in general. But again, I deleted it for the 174 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,199 Speaker 1: second time because I was like, I'm not planning a 175 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,199 Speaker 1: trip right now, although actually also in the middle of 176 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 1: preparing this episode, I planned a trip to Charleston, so 177 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 1: I am so maybe I'll reteal it again. I don't know. Well, 178 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,120 Speaker 1: my point is in saying all this is I deleted 179 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 1: it for the second time because outside of that stuff, 180 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 1: it actually causes more stress for me, and it it's 181 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: not worth it for me to have that knee jerk 182 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: reaction to open it when I have a spare moment, 183 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,560 Speaker 1: because most of what I'm seeing is more frustrating than 184 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: helpful unless I'm looking for something, and so I've reserved 185 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,600 Speaker 1: the right to I didn't delete my account. If I 186 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,200 Speaker 1: want to go on and look and find something, I 187 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: can download the app again, like when I go on 188 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 1: this trip to Charleston the week before or two weeks before, 189 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,240 Speaker 1: I can download that app again and find places that 190 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,080 Speaker 1: I want to go or I can do it the 191 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,040 Speaker 1: old school way. I can ask my friends for recommendations, 192 00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,640 Speaker 1: I can find old blog posts. But that's how I 193 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,640 Speaker 1: want to use that. And I think as the reason 194 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:36,560 Speaker 1: I deleted it again while I was preparing this episode 195 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,320 Speaker 1: is because I was reminded that like, ugh, this gets 196 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,560 Speaker 1: in the way, This gets in the way, and it 197 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 1: frustrates me a lot. And I don't have to live 198 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:49,080 Speaker 1: in that frustration. I have agency, I have choice. And 199 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,559 Speaker 1: it goes back to the conversation I had years ago 200 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,560 Speaker 1: with somebody on this podcast, Nabiha said, where we talked 201 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,160 Speaker 1: about taking agency over. Back then, we were talking more 202 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 1: about in and how we get to decide how we 203 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 1: want to use it instead of it deciding how we 204 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 1: use it. So that's how I decided I'm gonna use TikTok. 205 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 1: I'm gonna download it when I need it, versus always 206 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: have it on my phone calling me saying open me, 207 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 1: open me, and then making me angry. Anyway, back to 208 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: what I was talking about, I think the reason I 209 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: brought up the dark matter thing was just to say, like, 210 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 1: the ideal world was this world where that didn't exist, 211 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,200 Speaker 1: and people were so connected in that world and they 212 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:33,240 Speaker 1: were so engaged with each other and happy. Honestly, people 213 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: just looked happy in that world. Again made up, it's 214 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: an idea, but I think they're onto something. We don't 215 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,880 Speaker 1: live in that world, though, And so this theme around 216 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: social media and vulnerability came up for me before I 217 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,200 Speaker 1: watched that episode. Actually, when I was relistening to a 218 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,760 Speaker 1: podcast on Unlocking Us was Brene Brown's podcast, and she 219 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,480 Speaker 1: had Simon Sinek on it and a guy named Adam Grant, 220 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,839 Speaker 1: and this podcast was from twenty twenty two and I 221 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,679 Speaker 1: had listened to it maybe a year ago, and then 222 00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,600 Speaker 1: I listened to it again, and honestly, I'm glad I 223 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,800 Speaker 1: listened to it again because I feel like I heard 224 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,679 Speaker 1: so many different things that I hadn't heard before. And 225 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 1: in it, he said, and I wrote this down in 226 00:12:12,559 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: my notes, I was like, Oh, I have to come 227 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 1: back to this. Simon Sinek said, there's a difference between 228 00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: vulnerability and broadcasting our emotions, and I was like, Oh, 229 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,120 Speaker 1: that is what I really mean when I talk about 230 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 1: performative vulnerability. That is the sentence I was looking for. 231 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:35,760 Speaker 1: And when I heard this, I immediately had these images 232 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:41,520 Speaker 1: of crying selfies flash across my brain and actually, full disclosure, 233 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 1: I do need to get off my chest that I 234 00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:47,320 Speaker 1: did post a picture of me crying recently on my 235 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: Instagram story. And I know I always or not always, 236 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: but I talk about a lot how that stuff really 237 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,880 Speaker 1: kind of gets under my skin because it is not 238 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: a vulnerable thing, and I'm disclosing that. And the reason 239 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, I will share this because I 240 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,400 Speaker 1: was sharing it in a comical way versus a vulnerable way. 241 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,920 Speaker 1: It was a response to people asking me if I 242 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: had seen the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading documentary, which I mean, 243 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: can we talk about that for a second on another day. 244 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 1: We'll have to, so I'll definitely get off track. But 245 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,840 Speaker 1: so many people had asked and they were wanting to 246 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: know my thoughts, and so I just posted a picture 247 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,400 Speaker 1: of me I was watching it crying. I caried so 248 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,000 Speaker 1: many times during that show, probably at times where nobody 249 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,839 Speaker 1: else felt emotional, but because of the way I'm wired, 250 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: I did, and at the end of it, I just 251 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 1: kind of lost it, And so I posted a picture 252 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 1: of me crying watching the end of it. But it 253 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,560 Speaker 1: was more of a cheeky way of like you've asked 254 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,079 Speaker 1: if I've watched it. I've watched it like I am 255 00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,959 Speaker 1: in the midst of processing my own emotions over it 256 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 1: and kind of laughing at myself versus showing a vulnerable 257 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: moment I had where I was struggling with something or 258 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: sharing a part of my life that felt intimate, that 259 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: didn't feel intimate to me at all, and there was 260 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,640 Speaker 1: no bid for connection intimately in that. It was more 261 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,040 Speaker 1: of a response and I was laughing at myself, and 262 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,920 Speaker 1: the picture that I took didn't interrupt something that was 263 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,800 Speaker 1: happening in my life. I didn't have to take myself 264 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,120 Speaker 1: out of a moment, although I'm sure somebody could argue 265 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,679 Speaker 1: that I was, but I guess we can come back 266 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 1: to that at a later point anyway. Simon Sinek has 267 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: been quoted saying true vulnerability is interpersonal, It's an honest conversation. 268 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:34,840 Speaker 1: It's a willingness to let ourselves be truly seen and heard. 269 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: And oh my gosh, I have all of the feelings 270 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,600 Speaker 1: with that little piece I just read, especially the part 271 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 1: that says it is a willingness to let ourselves be 272 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:49,480 Speaker 1: truly seen and heard. That post that I was talking 273 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 1: about was not me letting you guys truly see me. 274 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,440 Speaker 1: It didn't feel vulnerable at all. It was not a 275 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: bid for to get the connection that comes from vulnerability 276 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,960 Speaker 1: at all. It was not me letting you guys know 277 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:03,560 Speaker 1: that I have tough days too. There was no part 278 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 1: of that in my post. I do think a lot 279 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:09,160 Speaker 1: of people try to convey that when they take pictures 280 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 1: like that or videos like that, and it does lack 281 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:17,360 Speaker 1: a certain type of reality or trueness or authenticity. Is 282 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 1: why those things really make me do a double take. 283 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,000 Speaker 1: And I can understand that there are levels of vulnerability. 284 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 1: That's fine with me. I think that's appropriate. And I 285 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: think that the thing that gets us stuck in the 286 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:34,520 Speaker 1: overshare loops right where we are oversharing it's becoming problematic, 287 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,000 Speaker 1: where there's almost like a cringeness to it from the 288 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 1: outside looking in, is the idea that we want this 289 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: deep sense of feeling seen and feeling heard from social 290 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 1: media and it can maybe offer us a bit of 291 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:52,520 Speaker 1: being seen and heard, but truly and deeply being seen 292 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:55,160 Speaker 1: and heard the way that we were meant to have 293 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: that face to face, like energy to energy with somebody 294 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 1: intimately that we know and that knows us and has 295 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 1: earned the right to see certain parts of us and 296 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:08,440 Speaker 1: will love us for that, love us for us being us, 297 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 1: not because who we are on the internet or what 298 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,040 Speaker 1: we are sharing or performing on there. You can't get 299 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 1: that same thing. And I think the reason that some 300 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,760 Speaker 1: people go overboard with oversharing is because we're searching for 301 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 1: that on there, and you can't get the fullness of it. 302 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: No matter what you share, no matter how you share it, 303 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,240 Speaker 1: you can't get the fullness of it. And there's always 304 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,200 Speaker 1: going to be this pool to come back because you 305 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,760 Speaker 1: got a little bit of it and you want to 306 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 1: get more. Or it's almost like I had a bite 307 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 1: of the sandwich and I want the full sandwich. Or 308 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,280 Speaker 1: I had a bite of the sandwich, but I only 309 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,000 Speaker 1: got certain parts of it in there, and I want 310 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,800 Speaker 1: all the parts of the sandwich. There is a difference, 311 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 1: I believe in saying something on a stage in saying 312 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 1: something in an intimate dinner with two close friends. And 313 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,880 Speaker 1: I'll be the first to admit this. I think me 314 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: sharing things on the podcast, for one, I can share 315 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,760 Speaker 1: some vulnerable and i can have a tinge of vulnerability, 316 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 1: but I'm not going to get the same connection that 317 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,280 Speaker 1: I would if I shared that with a close friend 318 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 1: that truly knows me and who I truly care about 319 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 1: their opinion of me. I can say anything I want 320 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,919 Speaker 1: on this podcast. I also can edit it however I 321 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 1: want it to sound. I can resay it a million times, 322 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:21,639 Speaker 1: I can put a million caveats on it, and to 323 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,280 Speaker 1: a certain extent, I'm not going to worry about how 324 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 1: people receive it, because the people that might misinterpret it 325 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,360 Speaker 1: or not like it, or think I'm wrong or talk 326 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,879 Speaker 1: bad about me behind my back, I'll one ever know about. 327 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: And two, those aren't the people that are showing up 328 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,679 Speaker 1: in my life that I truly care about, if that 329 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 1: makes sense. Not that I don't care about you guys, 330 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. From the judgment from 331 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,320 Speaker 1: somebody I don't know, in my opinion, is less scary 332 00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:51,920 Speaker 1: than the judgment of somebody that I truly truly want 333 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,200 Speaker 1: to be in my life and to know the truth 334 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:58,480 Speaker 1: of me and love me for that regardless. And speaking 335 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,240 Speaker 1: of saying something on a stage when we did the 336 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 1: Lives Show in Franklin, Tennessee in twenty twenty three, in March, 337 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,600 Speaker 1: I shared a piece of a story from my childhood, 338 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,119 Speaker 1: and I think it was scary to share that to 339 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 1: an extent, and it was vulnerable being up there for sure, 340 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: because I don't know how people are going to interpret things. 341 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 1: I don't know how I'm going to show up. I 342 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,920 Speaker 1: don't know how things are going to be perceived. There's 343 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,919 Speaker 1: some unknown in there, so there's some risk. And I 344 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,800 Speaker 1: was actually talking about vulnerability when I was sharing, which 345 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 1: is funny. But I also didn't have to look anybody 346 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:34,000 Speaker 1: in the eye. What I said was rehearsed. I didn't 347 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,439 Speaker 1: have an immediate reaction from the people that I was 348 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,760 Speaker 1: talking to. There was no response in what I said 349 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,040 Speaker 1: in that moment. So I got to say what I 350 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,760 Speaker 1: rehearsed saying. I got to get up, I got to 351 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,960 Speaker 1: walk off stage, and I got to move on to 352 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 1: the next thing, possibly never hearing a response to what 353 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,879 Speaker 1: I said if I didn't want to. And honestly, I 354 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,760 Speaker 1: think if somebody came up to me after that show 355 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,119 Speaker 1: and I had an in person conversation with them, I 356 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:01,399 Speaker 1: would have felt a lot more fear and energy in 357 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 1: that conversation that I did speaking to hundreds of people 358 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,200 Speaker 1: on a stage, and I would have felt a lot 359 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,160 Speaker 1: more connected as well. And so me getting up there 360 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: was not so much for me to feel connected, which 361 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,640 Speaker 1: we'll get to. I think that we need examples of vulnerability, 362 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,800 Speaker 1: and we need people to know that they're not alone, 363 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,400 Speaker 1: and the people that are showing that, like if I'm 364 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: showing that through a podcast, I'm showing that on a stage, 365 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,520 Speaker 1: I'm showing other people that they're not alone. But I'm 366 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,320 Speaker 1: not receiving the benefits of being vulnerable in an intimate 367 00:19:31,359 --> 00:19:34,160 Speaker 1: setting the same way. And that's when we get stuck, 368 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,760 Speaker 1: going back to like the overshare loop, where I keep 369 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,280 Speaker 1: trying to get that thing but it's not possible to 370 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:42,800 Speaker 1: get here. But if we get semblances of it from 371 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,199 Speaker 1: doing this, I'm less likely to go do the harder thing, 372 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,320 Speaker 1: which is to have the in person conversation with somebody 373 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,119 Speaker 1: at an intimate dinner or wherever you are sharing your 374 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,680 Speaker 1: vulnerable things. Now, I don't think we need to be 375 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,359 Speaker 1: vulnerable all the time. I think that's part of the 376 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,000 Speaker 1: problem maybe is that we think that to be vulnerable, 377 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 1: we have to always be vulnerable. That's not how it works. 378 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,080 Speaker 1: We found ourselves in a world where boundaries really have 379 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:09,640 Speaker 1: become somewhat unclear when it comes to when and where 380 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:13,959 Speaker 1: vulnerability is welcome, understood, and appropriate. And if we're going 381 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,399 Speaker 1: to be vulnerable, I want us to be real about 382 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,920 Speaker 1: it so we actually get the benefits, not the illusion 383 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,960 Speaker 1: of the benefits. And I also want us to be 384 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,480 Speaker 1: able to say, hey, I don't have to do that 385 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,479 Speaker 1: here because I have a safe space where I can 386 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: do that for real. I actually asked earlier today on 387 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:35,520 Speaker 1: Instagram what you guys thought the difference between vulnerability and 388 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,719 Speaker 1: oversharing was. And I want to share some of your 389 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: thoughts because I thought they were pretty good, and honestly, 390 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,000 Speaker 1: they were very similar. So I'm not going to share 391 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,359 Speaker 1: all of them because a lot of them kind of 392 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:48,240 Speaker 1: repeated themselves, which I love because that means that we 393 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,160 Speaker 1: have this similar understanding. So here's what you guys said 394 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,159 Speaker 1: about oversharing. Oversharing is when you want to tell your 395 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,719 Speaker 1: life stuff just so someone listens. Often you're needed attention. 396 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:02,280 Speaker 1: Oversharing is look looking for a reaction or shock value. 397 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 1: Oversharing feels easy in the moment, but leads to feeling 398 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:11,400 Speaker 1: uncomfortable and often isn't really result oriented. Oversharing is providing 399 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: too much information, providing unnecessary information. Vulnerability is when you 400 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:19,000 Speaker 1: feel safe enough to be honest about something difficult that 401 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,520 Speaker 1: has happened to you. Vulnerability is willingness to show emotion, 402 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,879 Speaker 1: allowing others to see your area's for growth, vulnerability is 403 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:31,760 Speaker 1: uncomfy in the moment, but leads to healing plus constructive 404 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: results and or growth. Vulnerability is for people who have 405 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,520 Speaker 1: earned the right to hear your story. And then another 406 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,800 Speaker 1: person said, oversharing is opening a window and vulnerability is 407 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: opening a door. And another person wrote in talking about 408 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 1: emotional intelligence and how having that allows you to separate 409 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,719 Speaker 1: the difference. I feel like we could do an episode 410 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,679 Speaker 1: on that one day too, But I really liked what 411 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 1: you guys said, and I want to go back to 412 00:21:57,119 --> 00:21:59,280 Speaker 1: where somebody said, oversharing is when you want to tell 413 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,679 Speaker 1: your life stuff so someone listens. Often needing attention. This 414 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:07,240 Speaker 1: reminds me of like our core desires right to be loved, 415 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,320 Speaker 1: to be connected to people, and oftentimes that attention part 416 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,480 Speaker 1: gets in the way. We think that attention is the 417 00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 1: same as feeling loved, and it's not. But sometimes it's 418 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,159 Speaker 1: almost the counterfeit idea of what we can get what 419 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,760 Speaker 1: we think we can get. It's like the fake Louisvton 420 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:24,880 Speaker 1: that we got on Canal Street in New York City. 421 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,159 Speaker 1: It's we can't get the real Levaton. At least we're 422 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,880 Speaker 1: gonna have that one, but it doesn't ever feel the same, right, 423 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,120 Speaker 1: we know to a certain extent, and we're always worried 424 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 1: that somebody's gonna find out that that's not a real Lovaton, 425 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,760 Speaker 1: and so we're always still gonna want the real one. 426 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,399 Speaker 1: And so we're going to keep going back, and you 427 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,480 Speaker 1: can have a million fake ones, it might not ever 428 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,520 Speaker 1: feel like a real one, and that metaphor might not 429 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,640 Speaker 1: sit with you because you might not care about those things, 430 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,199 Speaker 1: and you might actually be like, I'd rather have a 431 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,919 Speaker 1: million fake ones in one real one. Then that metaphor 432 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 1: went over your head. That's okay, But I think you 433 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,760 Speaker 1: can still grasp what I'm trying to get across with 434 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:08,760 Speaker 1: that comparison. So I want to bring this back because 435 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:14,320 Speaker 1: the solution to this oversharing versus vulnerability thing isn't to 436 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,159 Speaker 1: go into the world from dark matter where we just 437 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,200 Speaker 1: have flip phones. And why is that not the solution? Well, 438 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,439 Speaker 1: mainly because it's not realistic. We can't do that. We 439 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,159 Speaker 1: cannot put the boundaries that we want on other people. 440 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 1: We can only look at what is not working for 441 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,879 Speaker 1: us and make an adjustment from there the best we 442 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,200 Speaker 1: can going back to like, we can have agency over 443 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,679 Speaker 1: how we use things and how we show up, and 444 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,320 Speaker 1: then also be mindful of the people around us and 445 00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: maybe how they're showing up, and we don't have to 446 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,200 Speaker 1: absorb all of that the same way. One of the 447 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,359 Speaker 1: reasons I deleted TikTok. I don't have to absorb it 448 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 1: that way. There's not an end in sight for content creation, 449 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:55,120 Speaker 1: and I like content creation to an extent. I don't 450 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,200 Speaker 1: think it's all bad, so I don't want to get 451 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,320 Speaker 1: rid of all of it. So maybe we look inward 452 00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: at what kind of content we want to create, how 453 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 1: we'd want to show up? Is the problem? Really? What 454 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:09,080 Speaker 1: we're sharing is the what is it how we're sharing it? 455 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 1: Or is it why you share? That makes all the 456 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,119 Speaker 1: difference here? And I think the real answer is a 457 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,119 Speaker 1: combination of all those things. It's not just one question 458 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,560 Speaker 1: you have to ask. It's an alignment of all three 459 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,440 Speaker 1: that allows us to get our needs met versus get 460 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,880 Speaker 1: sucked into a cycle of attempting to get our needs 461 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,320 Speaker 1: met or getting a crumb of our needs met. Brene 462 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:33,240 Speaker 1: Brown wrote in her book Darren Greatly oversharing is not vulnerability. 463 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:37,560 Speaker 1: In fact, it often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement. 464 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: And there is an article in the medium titled Vulnerability 465 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,239 Speaker 1: versus Oversharing where to draw a line written by a 466 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 1: woman named Camilla Hankwts which I think I might be 467 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:54,440 Speaker 1: pronouncing her last name incorrectly, but I'm trying anyway. In 468 00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 1: that article, she wrote, oversharing often stems from unmet needs 469 00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:04,919 Speaker 1: for intimacy, connection and belonging. Sure, people will sympathize with you, 470 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,160 Speaker 1: they'll even prize you for opening up, but it will 471 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:12,720 Speaker 1: come at a cost to your business. Clients and your 472 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,479 Speaker 1: employees want to feel secure. They want to know that 473 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:19,120 Speaker 1: you got this. When you advertise your personal affairs, it 474 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: makes you appear messy and gives others fertile grounds to gossip. 475 00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:27,400 Speaker 1: And she was talking about vulnerability in the workplace, which 476 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 1: I think is a unique sector to even have this conversation. 477 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,320 Speaker 1: And because everything's nuanced, you know, I like to bring 478 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,040 Speaker 1: us back to that. I don't think that sharing on 479 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:41,240 Speaker 1: social media is always bad, and sharing things that are 480 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,440 Speaker 1: against the norm of what a lot of people share, 481 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:46,119 Speaker 1: which is the highlights on social media is bad and 482 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,120 Speaker 1: maybe for some people it's the only way they get 483 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,840 Speaker 1: any semblance of connection. And to that, I would also suggest, 484 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,160 Speaker 1: you know, maybe doing some work finding a third place, 485 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 1: like we talked about recently, to get some real life relationships, 486 00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:58,960 Speaker 1: so it doesn't have to be the only way you 487 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 1: can find any symbolte connection. Before I say this next part, 488 00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:05,440 Speaker 1: I don't want you guys to think that I'm saying 489 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,600 Speaker 1: never share anything scarier or hard or not happy on 490 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,640 Speaker 1: social media, or never be a tad bit vulnerable with 491 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: the people in your world in the workplace and things 492 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 1: like that. I'm not saying that. I think we need 493 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,399 Speaker 1: to be more intentional about how we're doing that and 494 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,399 Speaker 1: what our goal is. And in that article that I 495 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,520 Speaker 1: just referenced, the author offers up a selection of questions 496 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,560 Speaker 1: that was created by Brene Brown that we can ask 497 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,360 Speaker 1: ourselves in order to overshare less, which in turn may 498 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,280 Speaker 1: make more space for us to be vulnerable in our 499 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,359 Speaker 1: intimate relationships. And she said these questions are for people 500 00:26:39,359 --> 00:26:43,120 Speaker 1: who are on the verge of splurge and also could 501 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:46,639 Speaker 1: be helpful there's another space for I don't even mentioned this, 502 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:51,200 Speaker 1: but also could be helpful to counteract the Oh, now 503 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,560 Speaker 1: I need to share something vulnerable too, so the other 504 00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:57,359 Speaker 1: person doesn't feel uncomfortable urge that can come up when 505 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,600 Speaker 1: somebody else is over sharing with us. We've experienced that, right, 506 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,240 Speaker 1: So these are also questions you can use when you 507 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 1: are stuck in that space. So I want to share 508 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 1: them with you. And this is really the meat of 509 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,840 Speaker 1: as we get to the end of the episode, the 510 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,640 Speaker 1: meat of what I wanted to talk about and share 511 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,960 Speaker 1: is there are questions we can ask so we can 512 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,720 Speaker 1: show up more I think authentic versus vulnerable. Right, I 513 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 1: want us to show up as authentic more often and 514 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,719 Speaker 1: vulnerable when it's the right time and space, when we 515 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 1: feel like that person said, like when the person in 516 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,520 Speaker 1: front of us has earned the right to hear this 517 00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: part of our story, when I know that I have 518 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,679 Speaker 1: the ability to gain connection here and not just the 519 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:40,320 Speaker 1: illusion of it. And so here's some questions you can 520 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:44,880 Speaker 1: ask before you give in to that orsplurg One Why 521 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: am I sharing this? Two? What outcome am I hoping for? Three? 522 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,840 Speaker 1: What are my expectations here and do they take into 523 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:59,199 Speaker 1: an account the other person's boundaries and preferences? Four? Do 524 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:03,280 Speaker 1: my intention align with my values? Oh? That one's good. 525 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:07,240 Speaker 1: Five is there an outcome response or lack of a 526 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:11,600 Speaker 1: response that will hurt my feelings? Six? Is this sharing 527 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:17,560 Speaker 1: the service of connection? And seven? Does our relationship have 528 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:22,240 Speaker 1: the earned trust to hold this kind of topic or 529 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,640 Speaker 1: disclosure and that I'm going to read again. Does our 530 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:30,320 Speaker 1: relationship have the earned trust to hold this topic or 531 00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:34,280 Speaker 1: disclosure that is so important? And I think that we 532 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 1: forget that we are allowed to be picky. I don't 533 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 1: know if that's the right word, but it's the word 534 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,320 Speaker 1: that's coming to my head. We are allowed to be 535 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:46,440 Speaker 1: picky with the people who get to know our whole story, 536 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:49,560 Speaker 1: who get to know the insides of our outsides. We 537 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:51,960 Speaker 1: are allowed to It is not the world's right to 538 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:55,160 Speaker 1: know everything about us, even the influencers, it's not our 539 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,719 Speaker 1: right to know everything about them. We are allowed to 540 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,400 Speaker 1: open and share those parts of our story with people 541 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 1: that we know, we can trust and that we have 542 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,680 Speaker 1: gained trust from. It doesn't mean the disclosures are going 543 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:08,960 Speaker 1: to work out perfectly, but I think in the social 544 00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: media world we've forgotten that it's okay you might not 545 00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 1: be putting on a fake front by posting certain things 546 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 1: on Instagram and not posting the really vulnerable parts. That's 547 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,440 Speaker 1: not you being fake, that's you having privacy, that's you 548 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 1: having boundaries. And it's one thing if we're lying about 549 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,520 Speaker 1: what life is like, and if we're posting things that 550 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,520 Speaker 1: really aren't true, like oh, look at me in my 551 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: perfect happy family and inside we're like screaming and yelling 552 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:37,840 Speaker 1: on each other twenty four to seven. That's not what 553 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 1: I'm saying. You're allowed to post the things that are 554 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,720 Speaker 1: appropriate within your own boundaries. And if we do the 555 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: overshare on social media and we think we get our 556 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:51,360 Speaker 1: needs met but we don't, we won't be as inclined 557 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,360 Speaker 1: to share outside of those circles. And I think that's 558 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,240 Speaker 1: where there's two things that get me here. One is like, oh, 559 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 1: when you do that and you think you get your 560 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 1: needs met, but don't, you're not going to do the 561 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,440 Speaker 1: scary or harder thing, which is to share in the 562 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:08,520 Speaker 1: intimate settings. And the other thing is I don't always 563 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,640 Speaker 1: think people have the best intentions when they're doing that. 564 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,400 Speaker 1: And so on the receiving end, we think we're receiving 565 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:20,080 Speaker 1: vulnerability when really we're actually being targeted, right, and somebody 566 00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:24,640 Speaker 1: is almost wanting us to gravitate towards them because they're 567 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:26,880 Speaker 1: sending you the message that you're one of those people 568 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,400 Speaker 1: that they trust, but like they don't really care about you. 569 00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:35,520 Speaker 1: And I don't like good people, caring people being exploited 570 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:38,479 Speaker 1: in that way. So it's like twofold as I get 571 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,160 Speaker 1: to the end here, One how do we show up? 572 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:45,920 Speaker 1: And two how do we also separate the exploit of 573 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:50,160 Speaker 1: vulnerability that is really just to get something from us 574 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,400 Speaker 1: that does an in turn allow us to have that 575 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: same gift. And again then how do we show up 576 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 1: and so we can get our own needs met as well. 577 00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:02,520 Speaker 1: We don't have to be vulnerable all the time with everyone. 578 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:06,000 Speaker 1: And just because somebody did on a podcast, somebody shared 579 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,040 Speaker 1: something and that impacted you, it doesn't mean that you 580 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,640 Speaker 1: then need to do it as well. I always go 581 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 1: back to JP Sacks when he shared that his music 582 00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 1: isn't vulnerable because it's curated and you hear something how 583 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:19,760 Speaker 1: he wants you to hear it, versus the raw, intimate, 584 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,640 Speaker 1: unedited thoughts and feelings that he holds for those closest 585 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,240 Speaker 1: to him and those who feel safe enough for him 586 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:29,160 Speaker 1: to share with. We need that second part, And I 587 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: loved how honest, he was about the first part, And yeah, 588 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: I think you can again argue there's pieces of vulnerability 589 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: in that, but it's not the like I'm not really 590 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,800 Speaker 1: connecting with him in that moment and having a real 591 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,800 Speaker 1: human connection that in the moment authentically. Yeah, I can 592 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,920 Speaker 1: feel connected to him from a distance, but I don't 593 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 1: have a relationship with this person I'm hearing on the radio. 594 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,240 Speaker 1: They don't know who I am, and I don't really 595 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,720 Speaker 1: know them. But maybe I connect with them in the 596 00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:57,880 Speaker 1: sense that I relate to them. That's very different. I 597 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,160 Speaker 1: can relate to somebody, it doesn't mean that I'm connecting 598 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:03,640 Speaker 1: with them. We need that second part. So maybe you 599 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 1: share something to let other people know that they're not alone. 600 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,960 Speaker 1: I think that's okay. That makes sense that I'm not 601 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:14,120 Speaker 1: saying nobody ever share something hard on the internet. It's 602 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: one of the reasons I do like music because I 603 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 1: can again relate. People want to be able to relate 604 00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:20,840 Speaker 1: and know that they're not alone and they're not the 605 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:24,000 Speaker 1: only one. I like that, but I want people to 606 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,280 Speaker 1: make sure that they are also getting the connection that 607 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:29,840 Speaker 1: they are longing for after they post the crime selfie. 608 00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:33,600 Speaker 1: If that's for other people to receive that you're not alone. 609 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,200 Speaker 1: I'm in this too. I still want those people to 610 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,440 Speaker 1: know that they deserve to go and share the wholeness 611 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: of that story when they're ready with somebody that truly 612 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,000 Speaker 1: can see them and know them and hold them in 613 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,240 Speaker 1: that and that share might have helped someone else feel 614 00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 1: us alone. Yes, but did you feel seen and known 615 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:52,280 Speaker 1: and accepted for your fullness? Or did you get a 616 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: dose of affirmation for posting a picture that you might 617 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: have edited or at least maybe taken three shots of 618 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,080 Speaker 1: to get the right I don't think the solution for 619 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 1: social media problems are to post more real stuff on 620 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 1: the internet, like I said earlier, and go against this 621 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: oh it's a highlight reel. I don't think that's the solution, 622 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: because we are seeing the real stuff with our friends 623 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 1: and family. That's my hope. We see that with people 624 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:19,520 Speaker 1: around us, since we know that life is not perfect, 625 00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:22,320 Speaker 1: and then we can create boundaries around how we want 626 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,240 Speaker 1: to use social media and see it and take it in. 627 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: I want us to make sure we are having those 628 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:32,240 Speaker 1: real conversations with people as well as seeing it somewhere 629 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: on the internet, because that is what's going to actually 630 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:39,440 Speaker 1: give us the life giving connection and understanding that we 631 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: are wanted and loved and enough and okay, even with 632 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,640 Speaker 1: our bumps and our bruises. So that's going to do 633 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: it for me today. I hope this was helpful, and 634 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,360 Speaker 1: it might have been confusing, but I think that that's 635 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,600 Speaker 1: because this topic is confusing and I'm peeling it apart 636 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:58,320 Speaker 1: with you. I don't have everything figured out spoiler alert. 637 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,240 Speaker 1: Your therapist doesn't have everything figured out, but they can 638 00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,960 Speaker 1: help you do some of that work of figuring out 639 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,760 Speaker 1: for yourself. So if you're in the need of a 640 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,440 Speaker 1: therapist and you are in Tennessee, you can go to 641 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: three Chords Therapy at dot com and look at some 642 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:13,680 Speaker 1: of the wonderful people we have at three Chords and 643 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:16,000 Speaker 1: we can get you set up with somebody to help 644 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,359 Speaker 1: you kind of peel back your own layers and have 645 00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,520 Speaker 1: some of those intimate conversations with because one person you 646 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,279 Speaker 1: will be vulnerable with is your therapist. If you guys 647 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,080 Speaker 1: have any thoughts, feelings, questions, comments, anything, you can send 648 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:29,520 Speaker 1: that to Catherine at You Need Therapy Podcast. You can 649 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,920 Speaker 1: follow us if you want to at You Need Therapy Podcast. 650 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:34,800 Speaker 1: If you don't, you can just listen to me here, 651 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,600 Speaker 1: and also remember we do have some fun merch stuff 652 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,680 Speaker 1: on our website. You need therapy at podcast dot com, 653 00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:44,680 Speaker 1: so make sure to check that out. And I'll be 654 00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,080 Speaker 1: back with you guys on Wednesday for a new episode 655 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:49,440 Speaker 1: of couch Talks. Until then, I hope you guys have 656 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:58,279 Speaker 1: the day you need to have. Bye.