WEBVTT - Crazy-Making Behavior: What Does Your Partner Do That Drives You Nuts? 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:03.920 I am Youngla, your host for this journey. I was 0:00:04.040 --> 0:00:08.720 a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my love 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:14.240 to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, 0:00:14.640 --> 0:00:18.639 I finally got clear about what love is and what 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:21.520 it is not. I want to share some of what 0:00:21.640 --> 0:00:26.400 I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot, 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:39.519 a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, 0:00:39.640 --> 0:00:43.640 Welcome to our spot, the place we come to learn 0:00:43.720 --> 0:00:47.519 about relationships. How to be better in relationships, how to 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:53.120 create better relationships, how to sustain relationships, because relationships are 0:00:53.200 --> 0:00:58.760 the classroom that we must all study in during our 0:00:58.920 --> 0:01:05.960 adventure call life. Okay, we're talking about crazy making behavior today. 0:01:07.000 --> 0:01:10.640 I once heard a comedians say that if you've never 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:14.319 wanted to kill somebody, then you have never been in love. 0:01:14.480 --> 0:01:17.400 That's right. You know that person that you love the most, 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:19.880 that just comes that moment when you look at them 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:24.240 and you want to say, why are you breathing? Why 0:01:24.240 --> 0:01:27.040 are you breathing? Have you ever had that experience? M 0:01:27.880 --> 0:01:32.200 doesn't matter who you are, doesn't matter how deeply you 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:36.640 are in love. There are things that our partners do 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.560 our children's do Oh my god. When you're in relationship, 0:01:41.520 --> 0:01:45.200 it just comes those moments when people do things and 0:01:45.280 --> 0:01:49.320 most of the time they are totally unconscious that they're 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:53.240 doing it, smacking their lips when they're eating, or they're sleeping, 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:57.640 they're snoring or farting. So we're gonna take a lighthearted, 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:02.000 fun look today at those things that happen in our 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:08.000 relationships that absolutely drive us bunkers. Okay, and let's see 0:02:08.120 --> 0:02:10.760 how do you deal with it? How do you deal 0:02:10.800 --> 0:02:13.560 with it when somebody it's just being who they are, 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:16.600 doing what they do and it's making you crazy? Do 0:02:16.680 --> 0:02:18.840 you check it? Do you stop it? When not not 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:21.600 even aware that they're doing it. So I've got a 0:02:21.600 --> 0:02:24.120 couple of guests today we want to just take a 0:02:24.240 --> 0:02:29.440 light hearted look at crazy making behavior. And here's my 0:02:29.560 --> 0:02:36.359 first caller. Welcome to the R five. We are talking 0:02:36.400 --> 0:02:40.120 today about crazy making behavior. What is it that your 0:02:40.200 --> 0:02:42.560 partner or your children, or your mother or your father, 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:45.600 your sister, your brother, that loved one. What is it 0:02:45.639 --> 0:02:47.880 that they do that drives you crazy? 0:02:48.680 --> 0:02:51.440 Oh my god, the stubbornness. 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:55.640 Stubbornness, what do you mean? Tell me more? 0:02:56.080 --> 0:03:01.200 Just stubborn behavior, being reluctant could change to the effects 0:03:01.240 --> 0:03:05.679 of communication, you know, just being a little bit more flexible. 0:03:05.919 --> 0:03:08.720 Everyone has to kind of be right in every instance, 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:14.000 and it does kind of create, you know, or the 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:15.520 other animosity should. 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:18.200 I say, are you talking about your partner, your kids, 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:18.600 your mother? 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:18.880 Who? 0:03:19.040 --> 0:03:24.320 Oh, my partner? And thing sometimes where I do notice 0:03:24.400 --> 0:03:28.320 that I'm an effect of communicator, So sometimes I'm kind 0:03:28.320 --> 0:03:31.280 of looking like, Okay, we could communicate a little bit better, 0:03:31.440 --> 0:03:34.960 or you're a little bit stubborn, so you know, But 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:38.800 oftentimes with my partner and I'm during the course of 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:41.920 the marriage, I found that to be a huge thing 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:46.800 for us. So my son he has that also. He's seventeen, 0:03:48.000 --> 0:03:50.720 he'll be eighteen in February, and he's kind of at 0:03:50.720 --> 0:03:53.280 that place where he's kind of in a little rebellious 0:03:53.320 --> 0:03:55.720 and as they say, smelling himself. 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:59.200 Now, what do you do when they do that? What 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:01.160 do you do when they're being stubborn? I mean, do 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:03.560 you push in, do you let it go? Do you 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:05.320 shake your head? What do you do. 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:10.960 All the above? But I do draw back a lot, 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:13.120 and I think that it has a lot to do 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:16.080 with me being like a much more of a mediator 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.680 that is what I do for a living. So I 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:22.800 like to mediate and I like to find common ground 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:25.760 where everyone can kind of agree to disagree and do 0:04:25.960 --> 0:04:30.600 things from different perspectives, so that you know, empathy. Empathy 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:33.320 goes a long way. But a lot of times, you know, 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:35.279 sometimes people are said in their ways. 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:38.960 So now I was going to ask you that do 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:41.400 you think that they do it? Do you think they 0:04:41.440 --> 0:04:44.479 do it purposely, or do you think they're unconscious of 0:04:44.520 --> 0:04:45.440 their stubbornness. 0:04:45.520 --> 0:04:50.920 Well, I'll be very transparent. When I kind of pursued 0:04:50.960 --> 0:04:55.599 my career in being a family counselor, I think a 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:59.320 lot more people BEAUTI from the perspective as though I 0:04:59.400 --> 0:05:02.640 view them as my clients, and that is not the case. 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:06.480 I just feel that if there's an effective way to communicate, 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:10.520 then why not try the more effective way. So a 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:13.440 lot of times they feel like I'm kind of analyzing 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.479 them or assessing them as opposed to just trying to, 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:21.159 you know, find better ways to communicate and just break 0:05:21.160 --> 0:05:21.960 down the barriers. 0:05:22.920 --> 0:05:27.000 Okay, now here's here's the pop quiz. What do you 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:30.920 do that you think drives them crazy? 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.360 I will be very honest. A lot of times people 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:42.680 say that I'm it all. And while I can say 0:05:42.880 --> 0:05:46.560 I can deal from your perspective and say, okay, maybe 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:50.719 just a little bit more knowledgeable in some things, but 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:54.960 I wouldn't say I know it all. And oftentimes, you know, 0:05:55.960 --> 0:06:01.200 when there is an imbalance between what someone has studied 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:04.440 or a degree that they've obtained, or something that they've 0:06:04.560 --> 0:06:07.520 done that others have not, and when you kind of, 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:11.160 you know, have that expanded knowledge, now you're a know 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:15.760 it all. But I wouldn't say that that that that happens. 0:06:15.800 --> 0:06:21.160 But I honestly feel that, you know, in most families, 0:06:21.520 --> 0:06:26.160 situations and dynamics, communication is a big thing, especially an 0:06:26.160 --> 0:06:30.880 African American community. You know, therapy is not advocated for 0:06:31.200 --> 0:06:35.159 so when someone is trying to kind of be a mediator, 0:06:35.800 --> 0:06:39.520 oh now they feel stigmatized and you know, well, I'm 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:43.960 not your client, and don't try to over analyze this 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:47.040 or assess me. And it's just sometimes it's just as 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:47.920 you said, shake. 0:06:47.720 --> 0:06:51.240 My head, trust me. If there's something they do that 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:55.040 drives you crazy, there is something you do that drives 0:06:55.080 --> 0:07:01.000 them crazy also so crazy makeing behave I believe that 0:07:01.320 --> 0:07:04.719 yeah crazy, Well, you know what you can ask them, 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:07.279 not just being a know it all but ask them 0:07:07.320 --> 0:07:10.840 things that we do that we are totally unconscious of. 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:13.600 But thanks for calling. Thanks, We're going to put that 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:22.640 on the list. Ineffective communication drives you crazy, okay, yeah, 0:07:23.000 --> 0:07:26.640 in effective communication, I know. If you are a talker 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:29.960 or you are, like our last caller, a mediator and 0:07:30.000 --> 0:07:32.840 you want to get stuff settled and you cannot get 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:37.000 the other person to say a word, that is crazy 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:39.560 making behavior. Let's see what else we got on the 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:46.480 menu today. What is it that your partner, your children, 0:07:46.600 --> 0:07:50.920 your parents, your coworkers do that drive you crazy? Hi'm 0:07:51.040 --> 0:07:53.600 mis Hello, my darling, how are you? 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:59.280 I'm doing well good. My partner likes to focus on 0:07:59.840 --> 0:08:07.160 the physical intimacy instead of the heart intimacy in our relationship, 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:10.400 and it drives me crazy. 0:08:10.600 --> 0:08:12.040 Tell me more, what do you mean? 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:17.040 He feels as if all of our relationship problems will 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:21.400 be solved if we were more physically intimate. Yet he 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:28.520 doesn't understand that that's one sided. So you know, he 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:35.120 may be able to satisfy himself, but if the talking, 0:08:37.520 --> 0:08:44.120 daring the others, the deeper level of intimacy is not there, 0:08:44.720 --> 0:08:47.840 then I am not satisfied. So it's kind of one 0:08:47.960 --> 0:08:52.280 sided and it just drives me crazy that for him 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:56.880 it's just the physical that's the only thing that matters, 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:01.520 and he can't see anything else other than that. 0:09:02.960 --> 0:09:09.280 Oh, my goodness, my goodness, that is a common common issue. 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:13.240 So what do you do? How do you manage that? 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:21.200 So I have been satisfying at times his need, and 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:24.480 I feel like I have been doing myself a terrible 0:09:24.559 --> 0:09:33.120 disservice because I have gone completely unsatisfied physically and emotionally, 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:39.120 because again, it's just all one sided for that. But 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:41.000 if it's been one sided. 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:43.920 And can he hear you when you say that to him, 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:47.840 this doesn't feel good to me, or I need something 0:09:47.920 --> 0:09:51.360 deeper than this? Does he hear you when you say that? 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:59.000 Well, no, no, I don't believe so, because his reaction 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:04.959 is to try to make physical changes in shifts and 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:13.199 not again the emotional changes and shifts. Let me take 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:16.760 this pill so I could last longer instead of doing 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:20.520 something that's going to you know what I'm saying. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:24.360 Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well what would it be for you? 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.440 Let's see if maybe you can You know, sometime you 0:10:27.480 --> 0:10:29.400 can lead the horse to water, and you got to 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:33.600 help him drink it too, So what would a deeper 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:35.360 level of intimacy be for. 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:43.920 You, sharing, having a nice date, telling me that I'm beautiful, 0:10:44.520 --> 0:10:50.199 touching me, look at me in my eyes, daring our day, 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:55.680 asking me how my day was, hearing my concerns. I mean, 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:58.960 I guess I feel as if my presence is just 0:10:59.320 --> 0:11:03.640 not My physical presence in his world is enough, but 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:07.959 it's I need more than that. Me just being physically 0:11:08.040 --> 0:11:11.679 present in or him being physically present in the room 0:11:11.880 --> 0:11:14.800 is not enough for me to feel his presence in 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:15.360 my life. 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:21.439 And I really hear in your voice how how important 0:11:21.480 --> 0:11:24.960 this is for you. I can really really hear that. 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:30.240 And I also hear I don't know if it's sadness 0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:36.079 or pain that it's not there, which one is it. 0:11:36.600 --> 0:11:46.840 I am sad because I have I've expressed this and 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:52.720 and still it's just not landing, you know, even just 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:56.000 for me to tell him these are the things that 0:11:56.080 --> 0:12:01.400 I need to the to the detail. You know, look 0:12:01.440 --> 0:12:05.839 me in my eyes, tell me you love me, Let's 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:10.280 go on a date. You know, these are things that 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:14.760 he see. You know, it's it's like a joke for him. 0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:19.400 I think he feels as if it is frivolous. And 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:22.840 when I talk to him about it for him what 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:27.240 he needs, and he's actually said it is for someone 0:12:27.280 --> 0:12:31.920 to hold him, have sex with him, and everything is fine, 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:36.480 and it's just not enough for me. We're incompatible, and 0:12:36.520 --> 0:12:41.360 it's just becoming so obvious now that you know we're 0:12:41.360 --> 0:12:45.720 growing apart. Now I'm examining how long we have been 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:47.199 this incompatible. 0:12:48.320 --> 0:12:51.120 I was going to ask you how old is the relationship? 0:12:51.679 --> 0:12:52.640 Seventeen years? 0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:57.760 Oh my god, mm hmm. So let me ask you this. 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:03.199 Are you done or are you still willing to do 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:03.840 some work? 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:08.400 I'm done? 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:12.400 Have you had that come Have you had that conversation 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:12.960 with him? 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:18.040 I've had that conversation with him, and he would like 0:13:18.160 --> 0:13:21.960 to try. In the back of my mind, I still 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:27.920 keep asking myself how I've gone so long in the situation, 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:32.280 Where did it go wrong? What can I do differently 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:38.000 so that in my next go around I'm not settling again. 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:43.680 I'm still examining within myself what it is that has 0:13:43.880 --> 0:13:47.600 had me in a situation for all of this time 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:52.880 and not satisfied. 0:13:53.679 --> 0:13:56.200 Well, don't think about it in terms of time, in 0:13:56.280 --> 0:14:00.160 terms of years. Think about it in terms of disconnec 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:04.400 from self. As we get older, we get wiser, we 0:14:04.440 --> 0:14:06.920 get more connected to the self. So let me ask 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:11.920 you a question. What is it that you told yourself 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:17.640 that allowed you to go unsatisfied for so long? What 0:14:18.000 --> 0:14:19.280 is it that you tell yourself? 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:23.440 I told myself that this is what love was, This 0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:26.920 was as good as it gets. I told myself that 0:14:27.960 --> 0:14:33.080 this is what I deserved, that it ain't get any 0:14:33.120 --> 0:14:36.720 better than that. To afraid to find anything better than 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:38.600 that or anything different. 0:14:38.800 --> 0:14:42.479 Too afraid to find it, or afraid that you wouldn't. 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:43.840 Find it that I wouldn't. 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:47.720 And do you get that as long as you satisfied 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:53.040 his needs and denied your needs, that you were communicating 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:57.800 to him that this is okay, even though it wasn't okay. 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:02.840 By continuing to satisfy his physical needs and allow your 0:15:02.840 --> 0:15:06.920 emotional needs to go unmet, you communicated to him, okay, 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:14.479 I'm just talking whatever. So you're speaking and your behavior 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:20.080 were incongruent. You were saying one thing and doing something else. 0:15:20.280 --> 0:15:22.880 I'm just bringing this to your awareness because you said 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:25.480 you want to know so that next time you don't 0:15:25.480 --> 0:15:28.360 do the same thing. So one of the things that 0:15:28.400 --> 0:15:32.440 you have to do, which probably drives other people crazy 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:34.960 about you, is that you say one thing and do 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:39.240 something else. It's like, you know the boy who cried wolf. 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:41.640 This is not okay, this is not what I want, 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:43.880 this is not what I need. But I'm gonna give 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:45.920 you what you want, what you need and let my 0:15:46.160 --> 0:15:50.480 needs go unmat Are are you in your forties or 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:51.080 headed there? 0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:54.120 I'm in my fifties. 0:15:55.280 --> 0:16:00.240 Oh in your fifties. Oh so you denied all your forties. Yeah, 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:04.440 that's what's happening to you. The wise woman is waking up. 0:16:06.760 --> 0:16:09.920 So you know you need a recent show that we 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:17.760 did called exit strategy. If you're done, to honor yourself, 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:21.600 you've got to have an exit strategy. You've got to 0:16:21.640 --> 0:16:25.080 know when you're leaving, how you're leaving, where you're going, 0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:27.720 is he leaving, how you're going to support just all 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:33.400 of that stuff. If you're done, that's where you need 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:37.480 to go. And part of the effort exit strategy is 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:40.800 communicating to him. You know he won't look you in 0:16:40.840 --> 0:16:43.480 your eye. You need to look him in his eye 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:48.760 and say I'm done, I'm no longer willing to go unsatisfied. 0:16:49.520 --> 0:16:53.600 Not You have to start, and you may have to 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:57.320 say it like Grandma said fifty eleven times, but you've 0:16:57.320 --> 0:17:00.400 got to start communicating that so that when you make 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:03.480 your move, when you make your exit, whatever that looks like, 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:05.920 or you ask him to exit, or however you do it, 0:17:06.200 --> 0:17:09.320 that it's you know that it's loving. Because here's the thing. 0:17:09.720 --> 0:17:13.680 I want you to be real clear about this. You 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:20.960 cannot leave until you can stay. You cannot leave until 0:17:21.000 --> 0:17:25.040 you can stay. Let me explain what that means. It 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:28.639 means if you're leaving in anger and upset and bitterness 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:34.000 or any of that. If you're leaving that way, you're 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:37.479 going to be ping ponging back and forth until you 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:42.000 can stay with him, knowing what you need and want 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:47.240 no longer making his needs more important than yours, until 0:17:47.280 --> 0:17:49.439 you can stay and not be mad at him or 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:54.040 upset with him. You can't choose to leave. And the 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:56.840 only way you're going to leave and be gone is 0:17:56.880 --> 0:18:00.760 if you make a choice. I'm done. I'm choosing to 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:03.400 leave now. I'm done. I can't take this no more. 0:18:03.400 --> 0:18:05.240 I don't want this no more. I ain't doing this 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:09.040 no more. Uh huh. If you do that, you're gonna 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:11.200 ping pong back and forth. You go and come back, 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:13.840 or you go and you let him in. And you've 0:18:13.840 --> 0:18:16.600 got to be able to stay. You've got to be 0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:20.600 able to stay and not be angry, not be upset, 0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:25.200 but make a self loving, self honoring, self supported choice 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:28.960 to be out of this relationship because it is not 0:18:29.160 --> 0:18:32.800 satisfying to be out of this relationship, because you want 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:36.520 more intimacy, to be out of this relationship, because you 0:18:36.640 --> 0:18:41.240 now recognize that you and he are incompatible. You may 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:44.679 have been compatible when you were not in touch with 0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:47.720 your deeper self, but you are now moving into that 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:51.440 woman's cycle, that wise woman cycle, when you are in 0:18:51.480 --> 0:18:54.960 touch with yourself and what looked like a chocolate Sunday 0:18:55.320 --> 0:19:04.560 is now a soggy brownie. Yeah, you cannot leave until 0:19:04.560 --> 0:19:07.480 you can stay, and until you can talk to him 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.480 and say what you need to say without any concern 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:12.600 about how he feels or what he's going to do 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:15.399 or what and untill you until you stop, you know, 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:17.719 giving up the who ha. He don't get no more 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:22.320 who ha, no more who ha for him. So just 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:29.560 don't beat yourself up. It's a natural, organic process. You know, 0:19:29.680 --> 0:19:32.119 if you love him and he's willing to do the work, 0:19:32.240 --> 0:19:35.840 things could shift tomorrow. And if he's not and you 0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:40.359 recognize we're just in we are now incompatible you know 0:19:40.440 --> 0:19:43.399 people being marriage just twenty twenty five, thirty years and 0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:45.960 they break up and they think somebody did something wrong. 0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:50.080 Sometimes you just grow apart and it's okay. That's why 0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:54.240 it's good to stay until you can leave with no anger, 0:19:54.359 --> 0:19:59.720 no bitterness, no upset. I'm just I'm choosing choosing something else. 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:02.320 Does that make sense? 0:20:02.960 --> 0:20:08.879 That makes sense? That makes sense. So there's been a 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:15.280 come of time where I'm going to sit in this 0:20:15.440 --> 0:20:21.760 relationship and I can sit in and live with him. 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:26.760 And when I can live with him and not feel 0:20:26.920 --> 0:20:31.160 as if I need to bolt, I can be in 0:20:31.240 --> 0:20:35.800 that relationship. They'll lovingly be able to communicate and know 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:40.880 within myself it is time for me to leave. Then 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:45.320 I can leave, and in the meantime, no nookie for him. 0:20:46.680 --> 0:20:48.919 The reason I'm saying that is because you're sending a 0:20:48.960 --> 0:20:52.680 mixed message. This is not okay, but it's okay. It's 0:20:52.720 --> 0:20:55.280 not okay, but I accept it. It's not okay, but 0:20:55.400 --> 0:20:57.560 I can do it. And what I'm hearing you say 0:20:57.760 --> 0:20:59.919 is you're at the point where you no longer want 0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:04.040 to do this. So vote for you. Vote for you. You 0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:07.480 get one vote, it's for you, and he'll figure it 0:21:07.520 --> 0:21:10.800 out or not or not. If the love is strong 0:21:10.840 --> 0:21:14.080 and the foundation is solid, things will shift. Maybe you 0:21:14.160 --> 0:21:17.840 all have to go to counseling or whatever, or you 0:21:17.920 --> 0:21:22.720 may just really be done. But you got it. Sounds 0:21:22.760 --> 0:21:23.600 like a plan to me. 0:21:24.359 --> 0:21:25.800 Sounds like a plan to me too. 0:21:28.240 --> 0:21:31.639 Well, thank you for calling. I wish you the best 0:21:31.640 --> 0:21:34.640 of you are so welcome, I beloved, take good care. 0:21:38.080 --> 0:21:42.000 I wonder how many people out there put up with 0:21:42.119 --> 0:21:46.600 the thing that drives them crazy to the degree that 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:50.440 it just destroys the relationship, which just tears it down. 0:21:51.280 --> 0:21:57.640 And sometimes the thing that drives you crazy really is 0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:02.400 such a powerful learning tool for you. I mean why, 0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:05.840 I'm not talking about farting, snoring, burping, I'm not talking 0:22:05.880 --> 0:22:11.120 about that. But this situation that my last caller brings up, 0:22:11.720 --> 0:22:16.160 that we will deny ourselves and put up with what 0:22:16.320 --> 0:22:22.320 we don't want, what is not satisfying us, rather than 0:22:22.720 --> 0:22:27.280 be alone or rather than ask for what we want. 0:22:28.960 --> 0:22:37.200 We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back 0:22:37.240 --> 0:22:40.040 to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 0:22:41.080 --> 0:22:43.480 I am a Yamla and today we are looking at 0:22:43.520 --> 0:22:47.720 crazy making behavior. What isn't in your relationship that your 0:22:47.760 --> 0:22:52.040 partner does or doesn't do that drives you crazy. We've 0:22:52.040 --> 0:22:57.240 heard effective communication, we've heard a lack of heart centered intimacy, 0:22:57.720 --> 0:23:03.520 but physical intimacy. And we've heard how the crazy making 0:23:03.800 --> 0:23:09.119 behavior can really destroy a relationship. And the crazy making 0:23:09.200 --> 0:23:12.760 behavior can also wake you up. Let's see what my 0:23:12.800 --> 0:23:17.080 next caller has to say. Welcome to the ur spot. 0:23:17.240 --> 0:23:21.320 We are talking today about crazy making behavior. What is 0:23:21.359 --> 0:23:26.560 it that somebody you absolutely love does that drives you crazy? 0:23:26.800 --> 0:23:30.920 What is it, Yethano, miss one thing that drives me crazy? 0:23:31.400 --> 0:23:35.560 About my husband? He sleeps with his belongings in the bed. 0:23:36.040 --> 0:23:41.119 I mean, there's a phone, there's a laptop, and in 0:23:41.160 --> 0:23:43.760 the morning, I'm waking up to an alarm clock that's 0:23:43.800 --> 0:23:47.600 underneath my stomach because I rolled over on his cell phone. 0:23:48.240 --> 0:23:51.920 Are you kidding me? He sleeps with electronics in the bed? 0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:52.280 Yes? 0:23:52.520 --> 0:23:53.639 What is he doing? 0:23:54.040 --> 0:23:58.240 Sometimes he falls asleep doing work. Sometimes he's just scrolling 0:23:58.440 --> 0:24:00.680 and next thing you know, his phone is looking at him, 0:24:01.200 --> 0:24:03.600 and so he kind of stays up later than me. 0:24:03.680 --> 0:24:06.280 So I'm already asleep, But this is how I wake 0:24:06.359 --> 0:24:07.720 up almost daily. 0:24:08.160 --> 0:24:10.639 Oh yeah, my god. And what have you said to 0:24:10.760 --> 0:24:11.439 him about it? 0:24:12.400 --> 0:24:18.399 I asked, why? But that has made me live with 0:24:18.440 --> 0:24:20.280 some regrets. So what I just do now I don't 0:24:20.320 --> 0:24:22.840 see anything. I just pick up the belongings in the 0:24:22.880 --> 0:24:24.520 middle of the night, maybe on my way to the bathroom. 0:24:24.560 --> 0:24:26.679 I'll come back and I notice that they're there, and 0:24:26.720 --> 0:24:28.240 I'll just put them on his side of the room. 0:24:28.280 --> 0:24:32.159 He has an entire desk right beside his bit. So 0:24:32.280 --> 0:24:34.280 it's like, I don't know why you couldn't put those 0:24:34.320 --> 0:24:35.160 things there, But. 0:24:35.160 --> 0:24:35.560 I got you. 0:24:36.000 --> 0:24:39.920 Now, you do know that electromagnetic energy is not good 0:24:39.960 --> 0:24:43.280 for either one of you. You do know that, right, Yes, 0:24:43.520 --> 0:24:43.880 I do. 0:24:44.080 --> 0:24:48.080 And I've told him this and he's just like, well, 0:24:48.080 --> 0:24:51.439 it's okay, and you know, just tries to make reasoning 0:24:51.440 --> 0:24:53.679 as to why he continues to do this. But I know. 0:24:53.720 --> 0:24:56.600 I teach our kids this, like it's very important that 0:24:56.680 --> 0:24:58.479 you not fall asleep with your cell phone on your 0:24:58.520 --> 0:25:00.600 chest or on your pillow too quick, see your brain, 0:25:00.640 --> 0:25:01.920 it's very dangerous. 0:25:02.880 --> 0:25:06.600 Well now not now you're willing to continue with this pattern? 0:25:07.000 --> 0:25:10.479 Or are you thinking of ways you can disrupt, you know, 0:25:10.600 --> 0:25:11.679 interrupt the pattern. 0:25:11.960 --> 0:25:14.600 See what I do with my kids. I walk around, 0:25:14.640 --> 0:25:16.919 I collect I shut off the Wi Fi, and I 0:25:16.960 --> 0:25:20.600 collect the devices at night. But I'm thinking of ways 0:25:21.119 --> 0:25:23.119 that I can do that with my husband and not 0:25:23.200 --> 0:25:27.000 treat him like one of the kids. Any suggestions, I'm 0:25:27.080 --> 0:25:30.280 open for it, because you know I don't. I don't 0:25:30.280 --> 0:25:32.080 want to get to the point where we're arguing about it. 0:25:32.119 --> 0:25:33.600 But it does make me uncomfortable. 0:25:34.880 --> 0:25:37.800 Well, I would if there was someplace else I could sleep, 0:25:37.880 --> 0:25:41.600 I would sleep there. I guarantee you. The first time 0:25:41.640 --> 0:25:43.800 you do it, he's gonna say, say, you know what, 0:25:44.240 --> 0:25:47.040 I have read too many articles. I have seen too 0:25:47.040 --> 0:25:52.520 many things that say that electromagnetic activity in your brain 0:25:52.600 --> 0:25:56.440 when you're sleeping is not healthy. You don't have a breast, 0:25:56.680 --> 0:26:00.200 I do. You don't have a wound? I do, I don't. 0:26:00.000 --> 0:26:03.560 I don't want cancer. I don't want disease. So you 0:26:03.600 --> 0:26:05.840 take your wife to bed, take at and t to 0:26:05.840 --> 0:26:07.960 bed with you. I'm go and sleep on the sofa. 0:26:08.280 --> 0:26:09.200 Now that's what I went to. 0:26:09.600 --> 0:26:13.840 Absolutely, that's it. That is key. Thank you so much. 0:26:14.040 --> 0:26:17.480 Yeah, because really it really isn't safe. It really isn't. 0:26:18.640 --> 0:26:19.359 Oh man, I. 0:26:19.359 --> 0:26:22.040