Speaker 1: I am Youngla, your host for this journey. I was
Speaker 1: a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my love
Speaker 1: to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache,
Speaker 1: I finally got clear about what love is and what
Speaker 1: it is not. I want to share some of what
Speaker 1: I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot,
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome,
Speaker 1: Welcome to our spot, the place we come to learn
Speaker 1: about relationships. How to be better in relationships, how to
Speaker 1: create better relationships, how to sustain relationships, because relationships are
Speaker 1: the classroom that we must all study in during our
Speaker 1: adventure call life. Okay, we're talking about crazy making behavior today.
Speaker 1: I once heard a comedians say that if you've never
Speaker 1: wanted to kill somebody, then you have never been in love.
Speaker 1: That's right. You know that person that you love the most,
Speaker 1: that just comes that moment when you look at them
Speaker 1: and you want to say, why are you breathing? Why
Speaker 1: are you breathing? Have you ever had that experience? M
Speaker 1: doesn't matter who you are, doesn't matter how deeply you
Speaker 1: are in love. There are things that our partners do
Speaker 1: our children's do Oh my god. When you're in relationship,
Speaker 1: it just comes those moments when people do things and
Speaker 1: most of the time they are totally unconscious that they're
Speaker 1: doing it, smacking their lips when they're eating, or they're sleeping,
Speaker 1: they're snoring or farting. So we're gonna take a lighthearted,
Speaker 1: fun look today at those things that happen in our
Speaker 1: relationships that absolutely drive us bunkers. Okay, and let's see
Speaker 1: how do you deal with it? How do you deal
Speaker 1: with it when somebody it's just being who they are,
Speaker 1: doing what they do and it's making you crazy? Do
Speaker 1: you check it? Do you stop it? When not not
Speaker 1: even aware that they're doing it. So I've got a
Speaker 1: couple of guests today we want to just take a
Speaker 1: light hearted look at crazy making behavior. And here's my
Speaker 1: first caller. Welcome to the R five. We are talking
Speaker 1: today about crazy making behavior. What is it that your
Speaker 1: partner or your children, or your mother or your father,
Speaker 1: your sister, your brother, that loved one. What is it
Speaker 1: that they do that drives you crazy?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, the stubbornness.
Speaker 1: Stubbornness, what do you mean? Tell me more?
Speaker 2: Just stubborn behavior, being reluctant could change to the effects
Speaker 2: of communication, you know, just being a little bit more flexible.
Speaker 2: Everyone has to kind of be right in every instance,
Speaker 2: and it does kind of create, you know, or the
Speaker 2: other animosity should.
Speaker 1: I say, are you talking about your partner, your kids,
Speaker 1: your mother?
Speaker 3: Who?
Speaker 2: Oh, my partner? And thing sometimes where I do notice
Speaker 2: that I'm an effect of communicator, So sometimes I'm kind
Speaker 2: of looking like, Okay, we could communicate a little bit better,
Speaker 2: or you're a little bit stubborn, so you know, But
Speaker 2: oftentimes with my partner and I'm during the course of
Speaker 2: the marriage, I found that to be a huge thing
Speaker 2: for us. So my son he has that also. He's seventeen,
Speaker 2: he'll be eighteen in February, and he's kind of at
Speaker 2: that place where he's kind of in a little rebellious
Speaker 2: and as they say, smelling himself.
Speaker 1: Now, what do you do when they do that? What
Speaker 1: do you do when they're being stubborn? I mean, do
Speaker 1: you push in, do you let it go? Do you
Speaker 1: shake your head? What do you do.
Speaker 2: All the above? But I do draw back a lot,
Speaker 2: and I think that it has a lot to do
Speaker 2: with me being like a much more of a mediator
Speaker 2: that is what I do for a living. So I
Speaker 2: like to mediate and I like to find common ground
Speaker 2: where everyone can kind of agree to disagree and do
Speaker 2: things from different perspectives, so that you know, empathy. Empathy
Speaker 2: goes a long way. But a lot of times, you know,
Speaker 2: sometimes people are said in their ways.
Speaker 1: So now I was going to ask you that do
Speaker 1: you think that they do it? Do you think they
Speaker 1: do it purposely, or do you think they're unconscious of
Speaker 1: their stubbornness.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll be very transparent. When I kind of pursued
Speaker 2: my career in being a family counselor, I think a
Speaker 2: lot more people BEAUTI from the perspective as though I
Speaker 2: view them as my clients, and that is not the case.
Speaker 2: I just feel that if there's an effective way to communicate,
Speaker 2: then why not try the more effective way. So a
Speaker 2: lot of times they feel like I'm kind of analyzing
Speaker 2: them or assessing them as opposed to just trying to,
Speaker 2: you know, find better ways to communicate and just break
Speaker 2: down the barriers.
Speaker 1: Okay, now here's here's the pop quiz. What do you
Speaker 1: do that you think drives them crazy?
Speaker 2: I will be very honest. A lot of times people
Speaker 2: say that I'm it all. And while I can say
Speaker 2: I can deal from your perspective and say, okay, maybe
Speaker 2: just a little bit more knowledgeable in some things, but
Speaker 2: I wouldn't say I know it all. And oftentimes, you know,
Speaker 2: when there is an imbalance between what someone has studied
Speaker 2: or a degree that they've obtained, or something that they've
Speaker 2: done that others have not, and when you kind of,
Speaker 2: you know, have that expanded knowledge, now you're a know
Speaker 2: it all. But I wouldn't say that that that that happens.
Speaker 2: But I honestly feel that, you know, in most families,
Speaker 2: situations and dynamics, communication is a big thing, especially an
Speaker 2: African American community. You know, therapy is not advocated for
Speaker 2: so when someone is trying to kind of be a mediator,
Speaker 2: oh now they feel stigmatized and you know, well, I'm
Speaker 2: not your client, and don't try to over analyze this
Speaker 2: or assess me. And it's just sometimes it's just as
Speaker 2: you said, shake.
Speaker 1: My head, trust me. If there's something they do that
Speaker 1: drives you crazy, there is something you do that drives
Speaker 1: them crazy also so crazy makeing behave I believe that
Speaker 1: yeah crazy, Well, you know what you can ask them,
Speaker 1: not just being a know it all but ask them
Speaker 1: things that we do that we are totally unconscious of.
Speaker 1: But thanks for calling. Thanks, We're going to put that
Speaker 1: on the list. Ineffective communication drives you crazy, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: in effective communication, I know. If you are a talker
Speaker 1: or you are, like our last caller, a mediator and
Speaker 1: you want to get stuff settled and you cannot get
Speaker 1: the other person to say a word, that is crazy
Speaker 1: making behavior. Let's see what else we got on the
Speaker 1: menu today. What is it that your partner, your children,
Speaker 1: your parents, your coworkers do that drive you crazy? Hi'm
Speaker 1: mis Hello, my darling, how are you?
Speaker 3: I'm doing well good. My partner likes to focus on
Speaker 3: the physical intimacy instead of the heart intimacy in our relationship,
Speaker 3: and it drives me crazy.
Speaker 1: Tell me more, what do you mean?
Speaker 3: He feels as if all of our relationship problems will
Speaker 3: be solved if we were more physically intimate. Yet he
Speaker 3: doesn't understand that that's one sided. So you know, he
Speaker 3: may be able to satisfy himself, but if the talking,
Speaker 3: daring the others, the deeper level of intimacy is not there,
Speaker 3: then I am not satisfied. So it's kind of one
Speaker 3: sided and it just drives me crazy that for him
Speaker 3: it's just the physical that's the only thing that matters,
Speaker 3: and he can't see anything else other than that.
Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness, my goodness, that is a common common issue.
Speaker 1: So what do you do? How do you manage that?
Speaker 3: So I have been satisfying at times his need, and
Speaker 3: I feel like I have been doing myself a terrible
Speaker 3: disservice because I have gone completely unsatisfied physically and emotionally,
Speaker 3: because again, it's just all one sided for that. But
Speaker 3: if it's been one sided.
Speaker 1: And can he hear you when you say that to him,
Speaker 1: this doesn't feel good to me, or I need something
Speaker 1: deeper than this? Does he hear you when you say that?
Speaker 3: Well, no, no, I don't believe so, because his reaction
Speaker 3: is to try to make physical changes in shifts and
Speaker 3: not again the emotional changes and shifts. Let me take
Speaker 3: this pill so I could last longer instead of doing
Speaker 3: something that's going to you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well what would it be for you?
Speaker 1: Let's see if maybe you can You know, sometime you
Speaker 1: can lead the horse to water, and you got to
Speaker 1: help him drink it too, So what would a deeper
Speaker 1: level of intimacy be for.
Speaker 3: You, sharing, having a nice date, telling me that I'm beautiful,
Speaker 3: touching me, look at me in my eyes, daring our day,
Speaker 3: asking me how my day was, hearing my concerns. I mean,
Speaker 3: I guess I feel as if my presence is just
Speaker 3: not My physical presence in his world is enough, but
Speaker 3: it's I need more than that. Me just being physically
Speaker 3: present in or him being physically present in the room
Speaker 3: is not enough for me to feel his presence in
Speaker 3: my life.
Speaker 1: And I really hear in your voice how how important
Speaker 1: this is for you. I can really really hear that.
Speaker 1: And I also hear I don't know if it's sadness
Speaker 1: or pain that it's not there, which one is it.
Speaker 3: I am sad because I have I've expressed this and
Speaker 3: and still it's just not landing, you know, even just
Speaker 3: for me to tell him these are the things that
Speaker 3: I need to the to the detail. You know, look
Speaker 3: me in my eyes, tell me you love me, Let's
Speaker 3: go on a date. You know, these are things that
Speaker 3: he see. You know, it's it's like a joke for him.
Speaker 3: I think he feels as if it is frivolous. And
Speaker 3: when I talk to him about it for him what
Speaker 3: he needs, and he's actually said it is for someone
Speaker 3: to hold him, have sex with him, and everything is fine,
Speaker 3: and it's just not enough for me. We're incompatible, and
Speaker 3: it's just becoming so obvious now that you know we're
Speaker 3: growing apart. Now I'm examining how long we have been
Speaker 3: this incompatible.
Speaker 1: I was going to ask you how old is the relationship?
Speaker 3: Seventeen years?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, mm hmm. So let me ask you this.
Speaker 1: Are you done or are you still willing to do
Speaker 1: some work?
Speaker 4: I'm done?
Speaker 1: Have you had that come Have you had that conversation
Speaker 1: with him?
Speaker 3: I've had that conversation with him, and he would like
Speaker 3: to try. In the back of my mind, I still
Speaker 3: keep asking myself how I've gone so long in the situation,
Speaker 3: Where did it go wrong? What can I do differently
Speaker 3: so that in my next go around I'm not settling again.
Speaker 3: I'm still examining within myself what it is that has
Speaker 3: had me in a situation for all of this time
Speaker 3: and not satisfied.
Speaker 1: Well, don't think about it in terms of time, in
Speaker 1: terms of years. Think about it in terms of disconnec
Speaker 1: from self. As we get older, we get wiser, we
Speaker 1: get more connected to the self. So let me ask
Speaker 1: you a question. What is it that you told yourself
Speaker 1: that allowed you to go unsatisfied for so long? What
Speaker 1: is it that you tell yourself?
Speaker 3: I told myself that this is what love was, This
Speaker 3: was as good as it gets. I told myself that
Speaker 3: this is what I deserved, that it ain't get any
Speaker 3: better than that. To afraid to find anything better than
Speaker 3: that or anything different.
Speaker 1: Too afraid to find it, or afraid that you wouldn't.
Speaker 3: Find it that I wouldn't.
Speaker 1: And do you get that as long as you satisfied
Speaker 1: his needs and denied your needs, that you were communicating
Speaker 1: to him that this is okay, even though it wasn't okay.
Speaker 1: By continuing to satisfy his physical needs and allow your
Speaker 1: emotional needs to go unmet, you communicated to him, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm just talking whatever. So you're speaking and your behavior
Speaker 1: were incongruent. You were saying one thing and doing something else.
Speaker 1: I'm just bringing this to your awareness because you said
Speaker 1: you want to know so that next time you don't
Speaker 1: do the same thing. So one of the things that
Speaker 1: you have to do, which probably drives other people crazy
Speaker 1: about you, is that you say one thing and do
Speaker 1: something else. It's like, you know the boy who cried wolf.
Speaker 1: This is not okay, this is not what I want,
Speaker 1: this is not what I need. But I'm gonna give
Speaker 1: you what you want, what you need and let my
Speaker 1: needs go unmat Are are you in your forties or
Speaker 1: headed there?
Speaker 3: I'm in my fifties.
Speaker 1: Oh in your fifties. Oh so you denied all your forties. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what's happening to you. The wise woman is waking up.
Speaker 1: So you know you need a recent show that we
Speaker 1: did called exit strategy. If you're done, to honor yourself,
Speaker 1: you've got to have an exit strategy. You've got to
Speaker 1: know when you're leaving, how you're leaving, where you're going,
Speaker 1: is he leaving, how you're going to support just all
Speaker 1: of that stuff. If you're done, that's where you need
Speaker 1: to go. And part of the effort exit strategy is
Speaker 1: communicating to him. You know he won't look you in
Speaker 1: your eye. You need to look him in his eye
Speaker 1: and say I'm done, I'm no longer willing to go unsatisfied.
Speaker 1: Not You have to start, and you may have to
Speaker 1: say it like Grandma said fifty eleven times, but you've
Speaker 1: got to start communicating that so that when you make
Speaker 1: your move, when you make your exit, whatever that looks like,
Speaker 1: or you ask him to exit, or however you do it,
Speaker 1: that it's you know that it's loving. Because here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I want you to be real clear about this. You
Speaker 1: cannot leave until you can stay. You cannot leave until
Speaker 1: you can stay. Let me explain what that means. It
Speaker 1: means if you're leaving in anger and upset and bitterness
Speaker 1: or any of that. If you're leaving that way, you're
Speaker 1: going to be ping ponging back and forth until you
Speaker 1: can stay with him, knowing what you need and want
Speaker 1: no longer making his needs more important than yours, until
Speaker 1: you can stay and not be mad at him or
Speaker 1: upset with him. You can't choose to leave. And the
Speaker 1: only way you're going to leave and be gone is
Speaker 1: if you make a choice. I'm done. I'm choosing to
Speaker 1: leave now. I'm done. I can't take this no more.
Speaker 1: I don't want this no more. I ain't doing this
Speaker 1: no more. Uh huh. If you do that, you're gonna
Speaker 1: ping pong back and forth. You go and come back,
Speaker 1: or you go and you let him in. And you've
Speaker 1: got to be able to stay. You've got to be
Speaker 1: able to stay and not be angry, not be upset,
Speaker 1: but make a self loving, self honoring, self supported choice
Speaker 1: to be out of this relationship because it is not
Speaker 1: satisfying to be out of this relationship, because you want
Speaker 1: more intimacy, to be out of this relationship, because you
Speaker 1: now recognize that you and he are incompatible. You may
Speaker 1: have been compatible when you were not in touch with
Speaker 1: your deeper self, but you are now moving into that
Speaker 1: woman's cycle, that wise woman cycle, when you are in
Speaker 1: touch with yourself and what looked like a chocolate Sunday
Speaker 1: is now a soggy brownie. Yeah, you cannot leave until
Speaker 1: you can stay, and until you can talk to him
Speaker 1: and say what you need to say without any concern
Speaker 1: about how he feels or what he's going to do
Speaker 1: or what and untill you until you stop, you know,
Speaker 1: giving up the who ha. He don't get no more
Speaker 1: who ha, no more who ha for him. So just
Speaker 1: don't beat yourself up. It's a natural, organic process. You know,
Speaker 1: if you love him and he's willing to do the work,
Speaker 1: things could shift tomorrow. And if he's not and you
Speaker 1: recognize we're just in we are now incompatible you know
Speaker 1: people being marriage just twenty twenty five, thirty years and
Speaker 1: they break up and they think somebody did something wrong.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just grow apart and it's okay. That's why
Speaker 1: it's good to stay until you can leave with no anger,
Speaker 1: no bitterness, no upset. I'm just I'm choosing choosing something else.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: That makes sense? That makes sense. So there's been a
Speaker 3: come of time where I'm going to sit in this
Speaker 3: relationship and I can sit in and live with him.
Speaker 3: And when I can live with him and not feel
Speaker 3: as if I need to bolt, I can be in
Speaker 3: that relationship. They'll lovingly be able to communicate and know
Speaker 3: within myself it is time for me to leave. Then
Speaker 3: I can leave, and in the meantime, no nookie for him.
Speaker 1: The reason I'm saying that is because you're sending a
Speaker 1: mixed message. This is not okay, but it's okay. It's
Speaker 1: not okay, but I accept it. It's not okay, but
Speaker 1: I can do it. And what I'm hearing you say
Speaker 1: is you're at the point where you no longer want
Speaker 1: to do this. So vote for you. Vote for you. You
Speaker 1: get one vote, it's for you, and he'll figure it
Speaker 1: out or not or not. If the love is strong
Speaker 1: and the foundation is solid, things will shift. Maybe you
Speaker 1: all have to go to counseling or whatever, or you
Speaker 1: may just really be done. But you got it. Sounds
Speaker 1: like a plan to me.
Speaker 3: Sounds like a plan to me too.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you for calling. I wish you the best
Speaker 1: of you are so welcome, I beloved, take good care.
Speaker 1: I wonder how many people out there put up with
Speaker 1: the thing that drives them crazy to the degree that
Speaker 1: it just destroys the relationship, which just tears it down.
Speaker 1: And sometimes the thing that drives you crazy really is
Speaker 1: such a powerful learning tool for you. I mean why,
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about farting, snoring, burping, I'm not talking
Speaker 1: about that. But this situation that my last caller brings up,
Speaker 1: that we will deny ourselves and put up with what
Speaker 1: we don't want, what is not satisfying us, rather than
Speaker 1: be alone or rather than ask for what we want.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: I am a Yamla and today we are looking at
Speaker 1: crazy making behavior. What isn't in your relationship that your
Speaker 1: partner does or doesn't do that drives you crazy. We've
Speaker 1: heard effective communication, we've heard a lack of heart centered intimacy,
Speaker 1: but physical intimacy. And we've heard how the crazy making
Speaker 1: behavior can really destroy a relationship. And the crazy making
Speaker 1: behavior can also wake you up. Let's see what my
Speaker 1: next caller has to say. Welcome to the ur spot.
Speaker 1: We are talking today about crazy making behavior. What is
Speaker 1: it that somebody you absolutely love does that drives you crazy?
Speaker 2: What is it, Yethano, miss one thing that drives me crazy?
Speaker 2: About my husband? He sleeps with his belongings in the bed.
Speaker 2: I mean, there's a phone, there's a laptop, and in
Speaker 2: the morning, I'm waking up to an alarm clock that's
Speaker 2: underneath my stomach because I rolled over on his cell phone.
Speaker 1: Are you kidding me? He sleeps with electronics in the bed?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 1: What is he doing?
Speaker 2: Sometimes he falls asleep doing work. Sometimes he's just scrolling
Speaker 2: and next thing you know, his phone is looking at him,
Speaker 2: and so he kind of stays up later than me.
Speaker 2: So I'm already asleep, But this is how I wake
Speaker 2: up almost daily.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, my god. And what have you said to
Speaker 1: him about it?
Speaker 2: I asked, why? But that has made me live with
Speaker 2: some regrets. So what I just do now I don't
Speaker 2: see anything. I just pick up the belongings in the
Speaker 2: middle of the night, maybe on my way to the bathroom.
Speaker 2: I'll come back and I notice that they're there, and
Speaker 2: I'll just put them on his side of the room.
Speaker 2: He has an entire desk right beside his bit. So
Speaker 2: it's like, I don't know why you couldn't put those
Speaker 2: things there, But.
Speaker 3: I got you.
Speaker 1: Now, you do know that electromagnetic energy is not good
Speaker 1: for either one of you. You do know that, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 2: And I've told him this and he's just like, well,
Speaker 2: it's okay, and you know, just tries to make reasoning
Speaker 2: as to why he continues to do this. But I know.
Speaker 2: I teach our kids this, like it's very important that
Speaker 2: you not fall asleep with your cell phone on your
Speaker 2: chest or on your pillow too quick, see your brain,
Speaker 2: it's very dangerous.
Speaker 1: Well now not now you're willing to continue with this pattern?
Speaker 1: Or are you thinking of ways you can disrupt, you know,
Speaker 1: interrupt the pattern.
Speaker 2: See what I do with my kids. I walk around,
Speaker 2: I collect I shut off the Wi Fi, and I
Speaker 2: collect the devices at night. But I'm thinking of ways
Speaker 2: that I can do that with my husband and not
Speaker 2: treat him like one of the kids. Any suggestions, I'm
Speaker 2: open for it, because you know I don't. I don't
Speaker 2: want to get to the point where we're arguing about it.
Speaker 3: But it does make me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: Well, I would if there was someplace else I could sleep,
Speaker 1: I would sleep there. I guarantee you. The first time
Speaker 1: you do it, he's gonna say, say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I have read too many articles. I have seen too
Speaker 1: many things that say that electromagnetic activity in your brain
Speaker 1: when you're sleeping is not healthy. You don't have a breast,
Speaker 1: I do. You don't have a wound? I do, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't want cancer. I don't want disease. So you
Speaker 1: take your wife to bed, take at and t to
Speaker 1: bed with you. I'm go and sleep on the sofa.
Speaker 1: Now that's what I went to.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, that's it. That is key. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because really it really isn't safe. It really isn't.
Speaker 3: Oh man, I.
Speaker 2: Would definitely take that into consituation. We're gonna have that
Speaker 2: conversation tonight, because you know, you try not to be
Speaker 2: so heavy and demanding, but I've been told that I
Speaker 2: could possibly have been too demanding, but as long as
Speaker 2: it's for the sake of the kids or anyone's health,
Speaker 2: I'm willing to be that.
Speaker 1: So well, you don't want to start glowing green in
Speaker 1: the dark and grow a penis out your ear because
Speaker 1: your husband is sleeping with a phone.
Speaker 2: I don't have time for that, no, you know, and.
Speaker 1: You don't have to be demanding about it, you know.
Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, here's a possibility. Say you
Speaker 1: know what's sweetie. I want you to be happy, and
Speaker 1: sleeping with your electronics makes you happy. But sleeping with
Speaker 1: your electronics has the potential to make me sick. So
Speaker 1: since I want you to be happy, I'm going to
Speaker 1: sleep on the sofa.
Speaker 2: Night eloquently to the point. But sweet I love it,
Speaker 2: I have to work on that.
Speaker 1: So just take yourself down to the sofa or the
Speaker 1: basement or the guest room or wherever. Oh, he'll get clear.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a pull out there right in my office,
Speaker 2: so I'll sleep there and that'll shock them to the core.
Speaker 2: That is it. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Okay, my darling, take good care.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for all you do.
Speaker 1: It's interesting you know how we can navigate these things,
Speaker 1: because sometimes it's not just crazy making from a personal preference,
Speaker 1: it's also crazy making because a person who's doing something,
Speaker 1: either unconsciously or unwittingly, they may not even consider the
Speaker 1: impact that it has on somebody else, you know. So
Speaker 1: sometimes we're just not even conscious of how what we
Speaker 1: do impacts another person. And if you don't say anything
Speaker 1: about it, they will never know. And we'll talk about
Speaker 1: that when we come back. Welcome back to the R
Speaker 1: spot Crazy making Behavior. Let me see what my next
Speaker 1: caller has to say. Greetings, and welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: We are talking about what your partner or mother, or
Speaker 1: kids or coworkers do that drive you crazy and how
Speaker 1: you deal with it.
Speaker 4: I'm doing good, How are you doing?
Speaker 1: I am blessed? Thank you.
Speaker 4: Crazy making behavior Ready, it never fail every single time.
Speaker 4: And the all effect he has to pee. I'm not
Speaker 4: talking about like starting out. I'm talking about two seconds
Speaker 4: before time that he has to stop and he has
Speaker 4: to keep literally the past four years. And it's the
Speaker 4: most insane thing I've ever seen in my life. And
Speaker 4: I don't even know how to approach for to drive
Speaker 4: you crazy, that's.
Speaker 1: Me crazy that's one't for the books. I don't even know.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what to tell you, because you
Speaker 1: can't tell somebody you can't pee right now.
Speaker 4: He cannot. And it's actually to the point to where
Speaker 4: like I can feel his brain and I say, you
Speaker 4: have to be, don't you And then you have to
Speaker 4: wait and he comes back and he's ready. But never
Speaker 4: fail and it never and actually it probably is the
Speaker 4: most guaranteed on the most exciting part of it. And
Speaker 4: it's just I've be effect.
Speaker 3: And then.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're waiting. You're just like,
Speaker 4: you know, like, what are you supposed to putting your thouars?
Speaker 4: You know what I mean, Like, what are you supposed
Speaker 4: to do?
Speaker 1: I wonder if it's a health thing. I wonder if
Speaker 1: it's a physical thing where one thing is happening and
Speaker 1: affects the bladder or I don't know, I've never heard
Speaker 1: tell us such a thing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I never experienced this before.
Speaker 4: And then it's a whole another conversation. If that's a
Speaker 4: whole other conversation. But you know, how do you even
Speaker 4: approach something like that because you know it and it's
Speaker 4: never failed, it never.
Speaker 1: But you know what, no really this sounds this sounds
Speaker 1: like a health thing. Maybe you should invite him to
Speaker 1: go see a urologist. You know, it might be a
Speaker 1: health thing. I mean, you can approach it from that perspective.
Speaker 4: But he don't ever have bladder problems anytime else, Like
Speaker 4: it's just this, Like it would be different. I guess
Speaker 4: you know, we're driving and you can't hold your urine,
Speaker 4: but it's always just in this. I don't know, girl,
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 1: But but I'm saying it might be a physical thing.
Speaker 1: But does he does he pee before? Can he pee before?
Speaker 4: Can he he does? I've tried that, you know, well
Speaker 4: before he even get started. Why would you go relieve yourself?
Speaker 4: This is not like thirsty p you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 4: this is not like you know you say in trouble.
Speaker 4: I don't know what to say. And like I said,
Speaker 4: it's a very sensive topic. But he drives me crazy,
Speaker 4: he really does.
Speaker 1: I really think he should go see a urologist. He
Speaker 1: really should him.
Speaker 4: How should I start that conversation, you know? And by
Speaker 4: the way, I don't know I'm going to say something.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 4: If he says something, you just suck it up. Granted
Speaker 4: when you come back tip top ten. You know top ten,
Speaker 4: he's a good man, Savannah for good god.
Speaker 1: Well, you you got me stumped on this one. The
Speaker 1: only thing I can say is get me to a urologist, really,
Speaker 1: and and that's a real simple cause you know, it's
Speaker 1: a real simple conversation, you know, babe. I'm really a
Speaker 1: little concerned that every time we are being intimate that
Speaker 1: your bladder becomes involved, that could be some something wrong
Speaker 1: with your wiring. Have you thought about seeing the urologist
Speaker 1: and maybe explain the situation.
Speaker 4: I will definitely it's been Like I said, I will
Speaker 4: actually recommend that because it's been a tricky conversation, you know,
Speaker 4: side that you know, is this normal? It's just it's
Speaker 4: not without bringing up you know, past partners or fast
Speaker 4: things like that. But yeah, it's mind blowing, like I said,
Speaker 4: And it's always the most opportunity, you know, we wait
Speaker 4: till we get some lettle nine and we want to
Speaker 4: come back to too.
Speaker 1: Oh my lord. But again, if you express it from
Speaker 1: a place of concern, as a place of you know,
Speaker 1: frustration or or angst or whatever, you know, I'm really
Speaker 1: concerned about this. This doesn't feel right. That your bladder
Speaker 1: becomes involved with our sexual encounters. Have you thought about
Speaker 1: talking to a urologist?
Speaker 4: It's so bad, it's about just think it's you know,
Speaker 4: in opportunity. What if it is something I never thought
Speaker 4: about that ridiculous.
Speaker 1: It sounds to me like something is miswired down there
Speaker 1: because one thing ain't got nothing to do with the other.
Speaker 4: You know, And I honestly thought it. I don't know.
Speaker 4: I don't know what I thought. Actually, I'm not a
Speaker 4: lot of eaither and during that time, I'm thinking about myself,
Speaker 4: So I don't know, I've never so, like I said,
Speaker 4: the little you're not thinking about Ali, I'm not. I'm
Speaker 4: thinking about me, like really this is really and so Yeah,
Speaker 4: but and it's everything as outstanding, but it has to
Speaker 4: be well.
Speaker 1: I I would let him know that I that you're
Speaker 1: concerned about it. You know, you want him to be okay,
Speaker 1: you don't want you know, maybe he has an enlarged prostate,
Speaker 1: Maybe he has an enlarged bladder, maybe his wiring is
Speaker 1: something but a euro If he explains the situation to
Speaker 1: a urologist, I'm sure they could let him know and
Speaker 1: even let now if it's normal. I don't know that's
Speaker 1: just then you in trouble. Even say you know, I
Speaker 1: was doing a little research and this doesn't seem to
Speaker 1: be I don't want to say normal. This may be
Speaker 1: something we should pay attention to because one thing shouldn't
Speaker 1: have anything to do with the other. And you know,
Speaker 1: it seems that every time, the more heated it becomes,
Speaker 1: your bladder wants to relieve itself. There may be something
Speaker 1: wrong in the wiring.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and I feel so bad now because I'm definitely
Speaker 4: I've been workings, but that what you're saying with it,
Speaker 4: like really really.
Speaker 1: Really yeah, I would really want to encourage you have
Speaker 1: have it checked out the most.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 1: It may be a health concern because again, one thing
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with the others. So I don't know, well,
Speaker 1: who knew? Who knew? Well, have the conversation, Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: thank you? Wow, I tell you who knew? A fun
Speaker 1: lighthearted look and crazy making behavior bump into so many things.
Speaker 1: And it also speaks to how in relationships, when we
Speaker 1: love someone or when we care about someone, the things
Speaker 1: that we will accommodate or even overlook that could have
Speaker 1: a much deeper meaning simply because we don't want to
Speaker 1: upset or disturb the other person. Let me see what
Speaker 1: my next caller has to say. Welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: We are talking today about what is it that somebody
Speaker 1: does that makes you absolutely crazy, crazy making behavior? What
Speaker 1: is it?
Speaker 5: I would like to complain about how messy my husband
Speaker 5: is and he's a freaking tornado, a category five in
Speaker 5: my house.
Speaker 1: Oh dude, let's gossip about him. What does he do?
Speaker 5: I had my bathroom done beautifully, like every touch was mine.
Speaker 5: I love everything, even says the decal get naked. But
Speaker 5: my husband loves taking a bath, and I got a
Speaker 5: beautiful stand alone tub, and he lives in there. When
Speaker 5: I tell you he lives in there, I can't even
Speaker 5: have my friends or my guests that come over go
Speaker 5: in without me checking because he does a couple things
Speaker 5: in there, such as nothing too bad.
Speaker 3: Trust me.
Speaker 5: He enjoys his quote flowers so the tar can get
Speaker 5: a little bit all over, and his toilet habit. I mean,
Speaker 5: every man should clean up and three human should clean
Speaker 5: up after themselves. But that's something that he just just
Speaker 5: refuses to do. So you know that's yeah, it's it's bad.
Speaker 5: I mean I have a friend that I love sometimes
Speaker 5: that passes by and needs to use the bathrooms because
Speaker 5: it's like a midway point and she knows who she is,
Speaker 5: but she'll just say, you know, I'm coming in hot.
Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, I.
Speaker 5: Hope that bathroom's clean, and he'll go in and take
Speaker 5: five minutes and clean up. And that is, without an exaggeration,
Speaker 5: that is hands down, probably my biggest thing that I
Speaker 5: do in every project he starts, he leaves a complete
Speaker 5: mess and doesn't know how to put anything away.
Speaker 1: So that, oh my god, listen, that one would drive
Speaker 1: me crazy. Oh my god, leave the tools all over
Speaker 1: the place, the thing's incomplete. Oh my god. I'm with
Speaker 1: you on that one. I am absolutely with you on
Speaker 1: that one. And what do you do?
Speaker 6: Do you?
Speaker 5: I do a gentle reminders while I'm walking by, Like
Speaker 5: he loves to clean the floor because we have four dogs,
Speaker 5: so it could get a little bit crazy in here.
Speaker 5: So he is kind of to clean the floor.
Speaker 3: That's the one thing.
Speaker 5: But putting stuff away is my problem. Now. Kindly remind him,
Speaker 5: don't forget to put that away when you're done, and
Speaker 5: he will glare at me. No way that he already
Speaker 5: knows that, and I shouldn't have to remind him. Yet
Speaker 5: five hours later, as I still go up and sitting
Speaker 5: in the middle of room living room floor, I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 5: I'm just gonna do it. He's like, what I wasn't done?
Speaker 5: Like you were done five hours ago? Do you have
Speaker 5: more to do that I'm not aware of. This is
Speaker 5: the same conversation that we hold probably at least once
Speaker 5: a week, and then I.
Speaker 4: Put it away.
Speaker 5: He gets upset with me because I'm putting it away
Speaker 5: because he told me he was not done with it.
Speaker 3: Was just not true.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that's that's one that when you have a
Speaker 1: clutterbug or you have a mess a messaholic and a
Speaker 1: neat freak. Oh baby, that is a problem right there.
Speaker 5: Well, I much for a compromising.
Speaker 1: I don't even know what to tell you. Do you
Speaker 1: think he's conscious of it or does he just do it?
Speaker 1: You know, to get on your nerves. You think he's
Speaker 1: conscious that he's a mess a mesaholic.
Speaker 5: I know he's quite aware he's messy, and he does
Speaker 5: try so God, yes, he does certainly try on certain days.
Speaker 5: But it's the bigger projects where I'm like, can I
Speaker 5: help you or I'll put things away. I know where
Speaker 5: they go, it's like no, no, no, I got it.
Speaker 4: Don't touch anything, okay, got it.
Speaker 3: Fine, But he is conscious about it.
Speaker 5: But then there's that scatterbrain thing like ooh, squirrel, let
Speaker 5: me go do something else really quick while I'm doing this,
Speaker 5: And then three other smaller projects. So then there's a trail,
Speaker 5: which is why I call him my tornado category five.
Speaker 5: You know. So I know that's who he's trying to be,
Speaker 5: but it's just not truly conscious being in the moment
Speaker 5: to just put things away before you start something else.
Speaker 1: Well, it may drive you crazy, but it doesn't sound
Speaker 1: like it's going to end the marriage.
Speaker 2: No, no, no no.
Speaker 5: But it's fun to just kind of, you know, be
Speaker 5: able to opportunity to complain with you and also just
Speaker 5: you know, let my frustrations out to the planet.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I know you got to that sometimes, and
Speaker 1: you know, God bless you. I do know that one
Speaker 1: at all. Any mother with a child knows that, and
Speaker 1: any woman with a mesaholic as a partner absolutely knows that. Now,
Speaker 1: if you were to come in my closet, you may
Speaker 1: name me a messaholic, but I know where everything is
Speaker 1: that drives people for crazy. I can tell you where
Speaker 1: to go in the pile of crazy to get something,
Speaker 1: and you know I don't bother me, so I understand.
Speaker 5: Well, you have a door that kind of neatly covers
Speaker 5: the peutifl that you can and I can't really door
Speaker 5: up the living room.
Speaker 1: No you cannot. No you can't, or the dogs or
Speaker 1: the dogs, or the bathtob or the bathtub. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I'll as they say, I will keep you in my prayers.
Speaker 2: I appreciate it.
Speaker 3: You have a great week, ad you too, my love.
Speaker 1: Bye bye. Yeah, that's a big one. A neat freak
Speaker 1: and a that's aholic, that is that's one that I
Speaker 1: don't even know how you navigate that and you just
Speaker 1: learn how to live with it. But everybody has something
Speaker 1: that they do that drives somebody else crazy. So I
Speaker 1: would say, when someone is driving you crazy with their behavior,
Speaker 1: ask yourself, Okay, what do I do that makes somebody
Speaker 1: else crazy? Because if it's in the chair, it's in
Speaker 1: the room. So you're driving somebody's driving you crazy. Trust me,
Speaker 1: you two are driving somebody crazy. But what gets us
Speaker 1: through those things is the love is the love. If
Speaker 1: the foundation is solid and the love is present, we
Speaker 1: will accommodate that crazy making behavior. Now, there does come
Speaker 1: a point when you need to say something about it,
Speaker 1: and say it with love, not making the other person wrong,
Speaker 1: but just raising your con concerns, raising a possibility for
Speaker 1: some change, maybe asking how can I support you in
Speaker 1: doing this differently? And if there's something you need, be
Speaker 1: sure to ask for what you want. I hope you
Speaker 1: have enjoyed this episode of The R Spot. I hope
Speaker 1: you've heard something today that you can use to make
Speaker 1: your relationships better. We'll be back, but in the meantime,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not in pieces.
Speaker 6: Bye.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite show.