1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:03,080 Speaker 1: Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area, 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:06,640 Speaker 1: you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why, 4 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,479 Speaker 1: you don't need to do a deep dive. The more 5 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: energy that you put into something that feels negative in 6 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,479 Speaker 1: your life, the more negativity is coming into your life. 7 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,239 Speaker 1: And if that person doesn't want you in their life, 8 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't 9 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,919 Speaker 1: mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean 10 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: that your energies do not match, and that is so fine. 11 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:29,680 Speaker 1: I'm Raley w Kia and on my podcast A Really 12 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,720 Speaker 1: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing 13 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and 14 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find 15 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode 16 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,880 Speaker 1: of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell 17 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story 18 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,600 Speaker 1: because it's actually been something that I found really difficult 19 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,639 Speaker 1: to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons, 20 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: but my main reason for sharing the story is because 21 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 1: I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often, 22 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,080 Speaker 1: and we end up seeing people with. 23 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 2: These beautiful friendships online. 24 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: You see people together, and to be honest, I have 25 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 1: some really great friendships in my life that I am 26 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples 27 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 1: of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to 28 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 1: let you guys in on the times I've been epically 29 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,480 Speaker 1: rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me 30 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,960 Speaker 1: within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways 31 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because 32 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: I learned a lesson to throw it about things I 33 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,240 Speaker 1: needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in 34 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 1: rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that 35 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason, 36 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 1: even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people 37 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: just do not want to be your friend, and that 38 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,080 Speaker 1: is the harsh reality. 39 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 2: But we get back up and we try again. 40 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,920 Speaker 1: So I'm gonna really summarized this very long story, but 41 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 1: essentially I met this girl and she was lovely. Lots 42 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,840 Speaker 1: of people would tell us that we would really get along, 43 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,400 Speaker 1: and so I was like, oh, this is going to 44 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: be an exciting new friendship. Anyway, we kind of had 45 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:18,920 Speaker 1: an online friendship for a while before we actually met 46 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: in person, and honestly, that online friendship seemed nice and supportive. 47 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,200 Speaker 1: We ended up finally going to I think it was 48 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,720 Speaker 1: like an event or something that we were meant to 49 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,800 Speaker 1: be going to. And before that we scheduled to meet 50 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,119 Speaker 1: up and have a really nice dinner. And honestly, when 51 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: I went there, we had such a great time. We 52 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 1: got along really well. I felt like we had a 53 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: good conversation. You know, I felt like it was going 54 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,520 Speaker 1: to be a friendship for a long time. I think 55 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,919 Speaker 1: she had just launched something or something big had happened 56 00:02:45,919 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 1: in her life, and I took her a little gift 57 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 1: to say congratulations, and you know, it felt like a 58 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 1: friendship worth investing in. I think that we had consistently 59 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 1: been messaging each other. I can't remember what about, but 60 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: you know, just the Hayes highs and trying to schedule. 61 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,680 Speaker 1: Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if we'd gone back and 62 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 1: forth about a date, and then I kind of forget 63 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,360 Speaker 1: to respond. That's something that I'm really working on and 64 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 1: have worked on a lot. After reflecting on this story, 65 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,760 Speaker 1: like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating, but at the 66 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,280 Speaker 1: same time, when it's a new friendship, we kind of 67 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,680 Speaker 1: give people grace, right You're like, Okay, they probably do 68 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,400 Speaker 1: have other things going on. And I felt the same 69 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:21,799 Speaker 1: with her. You know, she would come here, we wouldn't 70 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 1: necessarily get to meet each other. But I was like, dirt, 71 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: Obviously she's not going to prioritize me. We're not that close. 72 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,600 Speaker 1: But still I wanted to continue and try and build 73 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: a friendship. And then I was like reaching out to 74 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,560 Speaker 1: all my friends and people that I wanted to send 75 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,280 Speaker 1: my book to and I was so excited and I 76 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 1: was like, I'd love to send you my book and 77 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 1: she was like, no, no, I'll I'll buy it. And 78 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that's so sweet, but I would 79 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:42,920 Speaker 1: love to send it to you because I actually have 80 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,960 Speaker 1: a gift that's going out to some of my friends 81 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 1: with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe I've done something wrong, 82 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,400 Speaker 1: maybe something's happened. 83 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 2: I in writed it to a few things. She said no, 84 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 2: and then. 85 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,160 Speaker 1: I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about 86 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional, 87 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's 88 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 1: misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment. 89 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: We don't have to be good friends, but I just 90 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,800 Speaker 1: want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and 91 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,720 Speaker 1: that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I 92 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: see you and I wish you well. You see me 93 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 1: and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me 94 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like, 95 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I 96 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,360 Speaker 1: want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because 97 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,760 Speaker 1: I would feel terrible if. 98 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:27,480 Speaker 2: That's what you think. 99 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: And I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way, 100 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,520 Speaker 1: like would love to talk about it. 101 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 2: So anyway. 102 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,039 Speaker 1: She then ends up messaging me back, I think like 103 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 1: six days later or something, being like, oh no, it 104 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: wasn't about you. If you want to send me the book, 105 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries. 106 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 1: And I then felt like you know when you just 107 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,880 Speaker 1: feel like the energy is not right between you, like 108 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So 109 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: then I end up reaching out again, like I think 110 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 1: a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd 111 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,599 Speaker 1: love to just sit down and chat and just catch 112 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:00,679 Speaker 1: up and and hope. 113 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:01,880 Speaker 2: You're well blah blah blah. 114 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,000 Speaker 1: Basically, I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh, 115 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,919 Speaker 1: this is a bit weird because I saw that she 116 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 1: was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker, 117 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,520 Speaker 1: I know, but this is something I'm working on. And 118 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,640 Speaker 1: then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I 119 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,159 Speaker 1: then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you 120 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you. 121 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me, 122 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: but then also I no longer follow her, so like 123 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 1: maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows 124 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay, 125 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done 126 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: something to fully offend her. So then I reached out 127 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't 128 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,839 Speaker 1: know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like, 129 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 1: have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I 130 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,920 Speaker 1: have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't 131 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,039 Speaker 1: think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just 132 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 1: trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in 133 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,280 Speaker 1: her life, and I was like, what have I done 134 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:52,600 Speaker 1: for her to not want me in my life? 135 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:52,960 Speaker 2: Anyway? 136 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 1: It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything. 137 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,520 Speaker 1: I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted 138 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,040 Speaker 1: was to just have a comversation, just to make sure 139 00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 1: that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I 140 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,719 Speaker 1: also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe 141 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: I gave off the energy that I didn't want to 142 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,120 Speaker 1: be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I 143 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and 144 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 1: it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and 145 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,559 Speaker 1: at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone 146 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,800 Speaker 1: go to such an extreme measure with something that I 147 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things 148 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 1: can be small to you but then also big to 149 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 1: the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected, 150 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,120 Speaker 1: Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation, 151 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,520 Speaker 1: doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want 152 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,919 Speaker 1: to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay, 153 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,840 Speaker 1: you need to stop because this is getting a little 154 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: bit crazy and you need to ease off. 155 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 2: You need to like you need to be okay. If 156 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,479 Speaker 2: someone doesn't like you, they just don't like you. 157 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: And I realized that I had struggled with that throughout 158 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 1: my life, and it was a really good lesson for 159 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: me to remind myself that I really have to work 160 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 1: on that practice that rejection, whether it's in friendship and 161 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,360 Speaker 1: work in any area, you have to remin but that 162 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,719 Speaker 1: sometimes it's just okay. You don't need an explanation, you 163 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: don't need to find out why, you don't need to 164 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: do a deep dive. The more energy that you put 165 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 1: into something that feels negative in your life, the more 166 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,960 Speaker 1: negativity is coming into your life. And if that person 167 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 1: doesn't want you in their life, that is okay. Doesn't 168 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 1: mean that that person is terrible, doesn't mean that you've 169 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 1: done anything wrong. It may just mean that your energies 170 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,960 Speaker 1: do not match. And that is so fine someone to 171 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 1: tell that story, because I'm sure, in some rendition or 172 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,000 Speaker 1: some way in your life, you've been through a situation 173 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,080 Speaker 1: where you don't know why someone has stopped being your 174 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 1: friend or why that person doesn't want to be a friend. 175 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,679 Speaker 1: No matter how much effort you put in the problem, 176 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 1: that we most of us go through is that we 177 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,000 Speaker 1: focus on the people or the things that actually give 178 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,840 Speaker 1: us the least amount of attention, and then we don't 179 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,440 Speaker 1: focus on the people or the things that actually provide 180 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: us with so much joy and actually give us so 181 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,720 Speaker 1: much love and attention in our life. It also taught 182 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 1: me lessons that I have recently worked on when it 183 00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: comes to communication and friendship. 184 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 2: And so what I wanted to do. 185 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: I want to go through some of the things that 186 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: I've learned that have actually allowed me to make some 187 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,720 Speaker 1: of the best friends that I've ever had in my life. 188 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,040 Speaker 1: But also I shared that story so that you understood 189 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,800 Speaker 1: that also rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself 190 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,560 Speaker 1: out there is not an easy is not an easy journey, 191 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 1: but it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends, 192 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,560 Speaker 1: and they've come in some of the most beautiful ways. 193 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:16,880 Speaker 2: And you know, I've had to. 194 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,720 Speaker 1: Reset completely in my life in so many different phases 195 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,000 Speaker 1: of my life, whether it was moving to New York 196 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,800 Speaker 1: City where I literally knew nobody, and then I moved 197 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,760 Speaker 1: from New York to la where I literally didn't know 198 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: anybody either, or within the space of a couple of years, 199 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 1: so I actually had to reset completely each time. I 200 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,760 Speaker 1: have to find new friends and then also make time 201 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 1: to invest in the friends that I already had back 202 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 1: in London. And for anybody that struggles with making friends, 203 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 1: you know, when we were younger, we were put in 204 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,360 Speaker 1: a lot of situations where a lot of our friendships 205 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,199 Speaker 1: were situational. So whether it's school or whether it's college, 206 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,760 Speaker 1: we're kind of forced into these environments where making friends 207 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 1: is a big part of why we are there. And 208 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,320 Speaker 1: so as we become adults, we're put into less situations 209 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,800 Speaker 1: like that. When you're a child, you make friends on 210 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:03,080 Speaker 1: in the playground or activities after school, or sports teams 211 00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: or like me, playing violin, or you go to your 212 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: swim classes afterwards, and you create different friends because of 213 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,120 Speaker 1: the activities that you do. Your parents facilitate that for you, 214 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,200 Speaker 1: and friendships doing childhood are also so much simpler most 215 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,120 Speaker 1: of the time because we don't have the baggage or 216 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:21,320 Speaker 1: the complexities of adult life or responsibilities or expectations that 217 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: we've built over the things that we've been through in 218 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,439 Speaker 1: our life. And so I remember going through these phases 219 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: of my life where I was like, oh, the more 220 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 1: friends I have, the better. 221 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,480 Speaker 2: I need to pile them up. 222 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,480 Speaker 1: And then I went through phases where I'd been burned 223 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 1: and I had my walls up, and I was like, oh, 224 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: I only need a few good friends in my life. 225 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: And I actually realized now that both the narratives for 226 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,679 Speaker 1: me were wrong. One thing I do know is that 227 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: connection and community can completely make or break you. I 228 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,079 Speaker 1: have so many friends who, when I moved to LA 229 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: would tell me just how much they disliked LA because 230 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,800 Speaker 1: they had not built a community or made good friends. 231 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 1: Then as soon as they found their people or their community, 232 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,719 Speaker 1: they completely shifted their mood and loved LA again. They 233 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,839 Speaker 1: felt like they had found their place. And I always 234 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,720 Speaker 1: say this, I'm like, you can go anywhere in the world, 235 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: and if you find community and if you find good friendship, 236 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 1: it can feel like home. If you don't find that, 237 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 1: it will not feel like home. And that's why LA 238 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,040 Speaker 1: for me, was such a beautiful space, because I really 239 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,520 Speaker 1: cultivated so many friendships here that it began to feel 240 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,040 Speaker 1: like family. It began to feel like we had a 241 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,080 Speaker 1: community around us. You know, community is what we're built for. 242 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: We literally as humans are built to live together, to 243 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,120 Speaker 1: be together. And I think lack of community is a 244 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 1: big part of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually, 245 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,080 Speaker 1: if I think about it, I've made some of my 246 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,520 Speaker 1: closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a 247 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 1: fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating. 248 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: I will say that because it takes a lot of investment. 249 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: You also have to start going out on dates. You 250 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,200 Speaker 1: have to feel it out. You have to see if 251 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:46,200 Speaker 1: you like the person, you like their qualities, you like 252 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 1: what they do, how you like spending time with them. 253 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,680 Speaker 1: And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we 254 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,480 Speaker 1: first moved to New York, j You would keep trying 255 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,560 Speaker 1: to set me up with every single girl that he 256 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,080 Speaker 1: possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you, 257 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these 258 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,520 Speaker 1: gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But 259 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: at the same time, I was like, listen, I need 260 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,320 Speaker 1: to do this by myself. I do not need you 261 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,439 Speaker 1: to be responsible for my friend life. 262 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:09,560 Speaker 2: And I get it. 263 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:12,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh, 264 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: that person may not be really nice, or they already 265 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,440 Speaker 1: have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah, 266 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,000 Speaker 1: blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling 267 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,920 Speaker 1: yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to 268 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't 269 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,240 Speaker 1: end up even trying to make friends. And you have 270 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 1: to think in your mind, do I want friends or 271 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,040 Speaker 1: do I not? And so you can keep building this 272 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,240 Speaker 1: narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out 273 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:36,320 Speaker 1: there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and 274 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,079 Speaker 1: space into a friendship, you can't. 275 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,120 Speaker 2: Expect it to grow and look. 276 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 1: Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships, and 277 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,200 Speaker 1: I found some really solid ones. So I thought I'd 278 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,080 Speaker 1: just share some of my reflections and hope that it 279 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: helps you to create your community too. So my first 280 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,760 Speaker 1: piece of advice is do not shut people off too fast. 281 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,280 Speaker 1: Give people a second chance. I learned that from the 282 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: situation I told you about at the beginning of this podcast. 283 00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 2: I've learned that through my. 284 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,800 Speaker 1: Own fault that I've made in friendships before, where I 285 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: met someone once and I judge them based on that 286 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,839 Speaker 1: one interaction, and then I'm like, wait, I meet them 287 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,680 Speaker 1: again in a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe 288 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 1: they're in a different mood, and I really like them 289 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,760 Speaker 1: as a person, and I then want to spend time 290 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 1: with them. 291 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,319 Speaker 2: So I really think you have to. 292 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,240 Speaker 1: Give people more than one chance in your friend's circle, 293 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 1: Like would you not want someone to give you more 294 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,560 Speaker 1: than one chance? And if you would, then why would 295 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,800 Speaker 1: you not do that for somebody else. I recently had 296 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,199 Speaker 1: a guest on that was talking about dating, and she said, 297 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,800 Speaker 1: ideally you should do a minimum of two dates to 298 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,560 Speaker 1: actually make an informed decision. And I think that's true, 299 00:12:34,559 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 1: whether it's a relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays 300 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 1: we just ghosts and cut people off so fast, like 301 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:44,839 Speaker 1: no explanation, no conversation, no chance given, and we just 302 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 1: cut them off because we're like, oh, you know what, 303 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,680 Speaker 1: We'll find someone else. But I think having a wide 304 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,080 Speaker 1: group of friends and friends for different things is actually 305 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,439 Speaker 1: a really integral part of having a community. 306 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 2: You don't have to be best friends with everyone, and 307 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 2: that's the mistake we make. 308 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,559 Speaker 1: We're like, but I don't feel like that person's my 309 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:00,000 Speaker 1: best friend, and I don't feel like I can tell 310 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: everything where you don't have to. I have friends who 311 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,000 Speaker 1: I work out with or play sports with. I have 312 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: friends who are my FOODI friends who I know, I 313 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,720 Speaker 1: can go to fund exciting food adventures with or send 314 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,720 Speaker 1: them some fun recipes that I can't wait to make. 315 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: I have my spiritual group of friends that I connect 316 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,720 Speaker 1: with on practices and fundamental values. I have friends that 317 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,200 Speaker 1: I know I have a good night out with, and 318 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: then I have couple friends that me and Jay hang 319 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,839 Speaker 1: out with together. They don't all meet all my needs, 320 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,200 Speaker 1: and that's not what friends are supposed to do. I 321 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,680 Speaker 1: think the point is you find different friends, and you 322 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,440 Speaker 1: find the one thing or the two things that you 323 00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,880 Speaker 1: enjoy doing or that you love about them, and then 324 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: you work off that every single person has flaws, every 325 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,319 Speaker 1: single person is working on something, every single person has weeds. 326 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: We cannot expect the people that we meet to be 327 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,840 Speaker 1: perfect because we, down well are not perfect, and so 328 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 1: you can't expect perfection from other people. So now when 329 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: I meet someone, I think about how do I enjoy 330 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,319 Speaker 1: spending time with them most. Maybe I don't love sitting 331 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 1: with them one on one, but that doesn't mean I 332 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,880 Speaker 1: don't like them. It just means maybe we connect better 333 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,959 Speaker 1: in another way. So on in write them out to 334 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,480 Speaker 1: a workout or with an other group setting. And of 335 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 1: course you have to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy 336 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,040 Speaker 1: you or bore you because at the end of the day, 337 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,160 Speaker 1: you are investing time and energy and you're fitting them 338 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,160 Speaker 1: into your life and into your circle. But if they 339 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,240 Speaker 1: have the basic qualities that you like in a person, 340 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 1: then why take away a potential friend from your life? 341 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:19,160 Speaker 1: And on that note, I guess my second piece of 342 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 1: advice would be figure out what your basic values or 343 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 1: qualities are that you like in a friend. I realize 344 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 1: in my life because I have my sister or my mom, 345 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 1: I don't really need a friend to confide in or 346 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 1: help me through my hard times because Jay and then 347 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 1: my family are those crutches for me. They're the people 348 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 1: that I turn to. But living away from my family, 349 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,840 Speaker 1: I do appreciate friends that I can do family style 350 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: things with, like hang out and play games or have 351 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 1: dinners together, or be able to call and rely on 352 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: if my car broke down or if I need a 353 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: last minute favor, and I would want to be there 354 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: for them in that way too. I also have quickly 355 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: learned how to identify when people start displaying certain qualities 356 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:57,440 Speaker 1: that are deal breakers for me, like the things that 357 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:01,640 Speaker 1: I fundamentally know I do not appreciate friends anymore. And 358 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,520 Speaker 1: also there were things that I used to do when 359 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 1: I was in dark times in my life, and so 360 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 1: I've noticed that when people do do these things, it 361 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,760 Speaker 1: involves being in a dark space in your own life. 362 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,040 Speaker 1: One of those fundamental things and non negotiables for me 363 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,840 Speaker 1: is if someone is talking behind someone else's back for 364 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,240 Speaker 1: absolutely no reason, because you know what, if they're sharing 365 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: something about someone else with you, especially when your friendship 366 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 1: is new, then it's more than likely that they're saying 367 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: something about you to somebody else, and especially if it's 368 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: not relevant to your life, like if it is just 369 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 1: pure gossip where you're being told information about somebody else's 370 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 1: life and it has nothing to do with you, that 371 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 1: to me is not a sign of a good friend. 372 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,560 Speaker 1: And you know, I've noticed and I think I used 373 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 1: to do this when I was younger, where you end 374 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: up telling people information because you think it brings you closer, 375 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 1: Like I'll tell you something about this person. You tell 376 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,840 Speaker 1: me something about this person, and we're kind of bonding 377 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: over this secret. But you don't need to have secrets 378 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,240 Speaker 1: to be friends, Like you can just have great energy together, 379 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 1: you can have fun together. You don't need to have 380 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: secrets between you to actually be good friends. So figure 381 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,560 Speaker 1: out and reflect on your past friendships and what would 382 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,600 Speaker 1: the deal breakers for you. Next up, I would say, 383 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,880 Speaker 1: be okay with finding friends in the most unexpected places. 384 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:11,480 Speaker 2: Listen. 385 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,520 Speaker 1: I have met some of my closest friends in the 386 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,480 Speaker 1: most random ways, the most bizarre ways. Whether it was 387 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 1: the lift in my building, whether it was that random 388 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,200 Speaker 1: events and I've invinted them to my house, whether I 389 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: was cooking for the fires and I reached out to 390 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 1: a girl that I'd never met who has now become 391 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,920 Speaker 1: one of my best friends. Whether it is me getting 392 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 1: slapped when I was a teenager and through that slap 393 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: I found one of my best friends. I know you 394 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,360 Speaker 1: want to hear this story, so I'm going to go 395 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:41,200 Speaker 1: into it. I think I was probably definitely younger than sixteen. 396 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,520 Speaker 1: I think I was maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to 397 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 1: this event. This ridiculous girl, who had obviously nothing better 398 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,040 Speaker 1: to do, had told this rowdy friend of hers that 399 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,640 Speaker 1: I'd said something about her. I literally did not even 400 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:53,480 Speaker 1: know who she was. 401 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 2: I go up to them. 402 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: They're standing in a group thinking that they're all bad, 403 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,480 Speaker 1: as you do when you're a fifteen year old girl 404 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 1: with all your girl group friends. They were like, you know, 405 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,440 Speaker 1: the popular girls. And this girl just says, did you 406 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,679 Speaker 1: say something about me? And I was like no, and 407 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 1: she just slaps me around the face in front of 408 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,000 Speaker 1: all of them. The girl that told her was laughing. 409 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,959 Speaker 1: Everyone was like having a good old time. I obviously 410 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,679 Speaker 1: ran off crying because what the hell. I then ended 411 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: up telling one of my friends that I went to 412 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 1: school with and I had become really good friends with 413 00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:23,800 Speaker 1: her boyfriend who went to another school. He then is like, listen, 414 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,480 Speaker 1: I'm going to sort this out for you. No one 415 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,360 Speaker 1: does that to you. He adds me into yes an 416 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 1: MSN conversation with one of his best friends and me, 417 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:34,680 Speaker 1: and he's like, listen, she's going to sort this out 418 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,080 Speaker 1: for you. Don't even worry about it. This girl, when 419 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 1: I tell you, she is still one of my bestest friends. 420 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,480 Speaker 1: We've been friends for over fifteen years. She is my 421 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:46,480 Speaker 1: ride or die, and this instance or this situation will 422 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 1: like show how bad she is. Like she is and 423 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,720 Speaker 1: I mean bad in a good way. Like she had 424 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 1: a presence. You know, people were also a little bit 425 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:55,600 Speaker 1: scared of her back then, which, by the way, obviously 426 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:56,639 Speaker 1: I seem to have needed. 427 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:57,560 Speaker 2: She adds. 428 00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,720 Speaker 1: Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl who 429 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,919 Speaker 1: slept me and her intal conversation, and she says, you 430 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,840 Speaker 1: have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend. Bearing 431 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,920 Speaker 1: in mind she didn't even know me or else. This 432 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,239 Speaker 1: girl is apologizing to me. And funnily enough, I ended 433 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me to 434 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,719 Speaker 1: don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends with 435 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,320 Speaker 1: this girl then ended up sticking up for me in 436 00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,080 Speaker 1: a situation where I didn't feel like I could stick 437 00:18:21,119 --> 00:18:23,919 Speaker 1: up for myself. She is now still one of my 438 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 1: best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need to 439 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,480 Speaker 1: talk to someone about anything, she is that person. She's 440 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,120 Speaker 1: non judgmental, she has backed me up throughout my whole life, 441 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 1: and we have got into some serious trouble together. But 442 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 1: we met because I got slapped in another space. I 443 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,159 Speaker 1: actually ended up coming to stay in the UK for 444 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,879 Speaker 1: like five months of my life during the pandemic, so 445 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,000 Speaker 1: not long ago, and I was working on my cookbook 446 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,320 Speaker 1: at the time, and so I ended up moving into 447 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,159 Speaker 1: an apartment building and I thought I would only be 448 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,679 Speaker 1: there for a short period of time. I wanted to 449 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,359 Speaker 1: test recipes, and I did not want to mess up 450 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided to 451 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: work from that space, and I decided I did to 452 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,040 Speaker 1: start these games nights with some of my friends in 453 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,920 Speaker 1: the common area. I then ended up meeting random girls 454 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,440 Speaker 1: in the gym, random people in the common areas, random 455 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,199 Speaker 1: people in lifts, and I started inviting them to these 456 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,000 Speaker 1: games nights. It ended up being like three of us 457 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: to ten of us to fifteen of us and going 458 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,040 Speaker 1: on week after week after week. And it was when 459 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,280 Speaker 1: people would introduce themselves or say, how do you know Raley, 460 00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,760 Speaker 1: they'd be like, well, we met her in the lift 461 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: or we met her in the gym. And so I 462 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,479 Speaker 1: actually really enjoyed building community and helping other people find it. 463 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:29,320 Speaker 2: And the amount of people within these different. 464 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: Areas that have told me they were really sad and 465 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,080 Speaker 1: that they were trying to make friends and they didn't 466 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:37,000 Speaker 1: know how to, or they actually found friendship within those 467 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,679 Speaker 1: groups during the time that they really needed it. It 468 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,480 Speaker 1: made me realize so many people are lonely and we 469 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,160 Speaker 1: don't even know, we don't even realize it. That brings 470 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,840 Speaker 1: me on to making the first move. Okay, put yourself 471 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,880 Speaker 1: out there and do not wait for someone to give 472 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,919 Speaker 1: you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting at 473 00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 1: home for somebody to come and be your best friend 474 00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:57,760 Speaker 1: without putting in any effort, without putting in the first step, 475 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 1: without planning, you've got a lot coming. You are looking 476 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,639 Speaker 1: for someone to treat like a princess, and that's not 477 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,480 Speaker 1: what friendship is about. So stop planning those dates. Once 478 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 1: you find someone that you like, start writing them to things. 479 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 1: I'm not all in person, okay, if I find someone 480 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 1: that I like like Recently, I found one of my 481 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:16,320 Speaker 1: friend that I really enjoy spending time with. I've invited 482 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: her to everything, and we've done a little sleep over together. 483 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 2: I basically invite to every. 484 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: Single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy 485 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: spending time with her and we don't have time to waste. 486 00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 1: It also allows you to figure out really fast whether 487 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,280 Speaker 1: you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like, 488 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 1: instead of longing out over months, going on like a 489 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,359 Speaker 1: little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there, 490 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,560 Speaker 1: if you invest a solid amount of time, you know 491 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 1: straight away whether this is your girl or it's not. 492 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,280 Speaker 1: And also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff 493 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,400 Speaker 1: is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult 494 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 1: to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time 495 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,359 Speaker 1: with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly, 496 00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:53,280 Speaker 1: even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end 497 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,040 Speaker 1: up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you 498 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 1: can be in your chill clothes and hang out and 499 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,600 Speaker 1: it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait 500 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 1: for someone to put in that first piece of effort. 501 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 2: You can do that. 502 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,560 Speaker 1: And if you're nervous about it, set a time frame, 503 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 1: do something which has a time limit. Go for a workout, 504 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,119 Speaker 1: go for a coffee, go for a little walk. You 505 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,159 Speaker 1: don't have to spend like a full day with someone. 506 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,960 Speaker 1: And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay, the worst 507 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool, 508 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,359 Speaker 1: You move your energy onto the next person, or you 509 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end 510 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:23,760 Speaker 1: up liking you. 511 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:24,240 Speaker 2: Cool. 512 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,720 Speaker 1: At least you tried and you've learned some skills in 513 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 1: how to communicate with someone. Or they do something that 514 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,760 Speaker 1: you don't like, Okay, fabulous, That is a great lesson 515 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,000 Speaker 1: learned for the next time, or this is my favorite one. 516 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,920 Speaker 1: I always think this, and I'm like, oh my god, 517 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: what if they think I'm too keen or if they think. 518 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 2: I'm too much? 519 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,679 Speaker 1: And then I realize, if I have a good intention 520 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 1: and I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying 521 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 1: to be a friend, and I am too much for 522 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:51,880 Speaker 1: that person. They do not deserve that kindness or that energy. 523 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,320 Speaker 2: So I just have to keep it moving. 524 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:56,600 Speaker 1: And this whole waiting for someone to message you listen, 525 00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,960 Speaker 1: you already have to do that in dating or in 526 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 1: a relationship. Friendships are meant to be way less pressure 527 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,800 Speaker 1: and way less effort, So let's not complicate friendships in 528 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,200 Speaker 1: that way if you're struggling to actually find friends. Some 529 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,720 Speaker 1: of the people that I know have actually found some 530 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 1: of their best friends on bumblebff, and I've actually never 531 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,480 Speaker 1: used it. I've actually been in luckily been in situations 532 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,480 Speaker 1: where I've met people quite a lot, especially with the 533 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:22,040 Speaker 1: work that I do. But I recommend it because I've 534 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,000 Speaker 1: seen some of them with those friends, and they seem 535 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,480 Speaker 1: like they're having the time of their life and they've 536 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,119 Speaker 1: found people based on hobbies and activities that they like doing. 537 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,159 Speaker 1: And so that's another space. If you don't want to 538 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,920 Speaker 1: use an app, think about the activities you like doing, 539 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 1: whether it's a sport club like a pickleball club or 540 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,879 Speaker 1: a tennis club, or you like pottery and you go 541 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,480 Speaker 1: to a pottery class and you meet people there. I 542 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,399 Speaker 1: think we're not used to getting out there anymore. Everything 543 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:44,440 Speaker 1: is so online. 544 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,520 Speaker 2: But you can go out. 545 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,680 Speaker 1: There and meet people and get used to making conversation 546 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: with people when you normally wouldn't. It was actually really sweet. 547 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:54,119 Speaker 1: I went to this event last week. It was actually 548 00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,840 Speaker 1: a Beigan Fashion Week event and I go there and 549 00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,840 Speaker 1: I must have looked over and I smiled at this girl. 550 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,520 Speaker 2: She looked beautiful and I just gave smile. 551 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,560 Speaker 1: I then walked in her direction and she said, I 552 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:06,119 Speaker 1: just have to say that your smile like gave me 553 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 1: such good energy and I really appreciated it so much, 554 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,719 Speaker 1: and I was like, your smile did the same for me. 555 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,480 Speaker 1: We ended up having a conversation. She was from London, 556 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,159 Speaker 1: she just moved here. I was like, let's hang out, 557 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,440 Speaker 1: and it was just great. We ended up having a 558 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,200 Speaker 1: great connection and probably going to meet up with her 559 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,719 Speaker 1: next week. But you know, if you don't end up 560 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 1: opening your mouth and you don't end up having conversations, 561 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: how are people supposed to get to know you and 562 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,879 Speaker 1: how are you supposed to have these positive interactions with people? 563 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,080 Speaker 1: And so speak more, interact more in your day to 564 00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:35,960 Speaker 1: day life, and there's more of a chance of refinding friends. 565 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,960 Speaker 1: Another thing I really enjoyed doing for people, and it's 566 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,520 Speaker 1: also helped build friendships with people too, is I create 567 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,920 Speaker 1: these community activities. So the games lights that I once 568 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,600 Speaker 1: was doing in London, I've continued doing in the US 569 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: and so whatever. Usually every Friday night or something, I'll 570 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,320 Speaker 1: invite people over. And it started out really small, and 571 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,119 Speaker 1: now I have a list of forty people that I 572 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,720 Speaker 1: invite to these and sometimes forty ten up sometimes fifteen 573 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:03,879 Speaker 1: do But what I've loved watching is being a facilitator 574 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:07,240 Speaker 1: for people to make friends. It's a really beautiful thing 575 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: to do for people. So if you are someone who 576 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:12,199 Speaker 1: has a lot of friends, connect them. Don't be scared 577 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,680 Speaker 1: of people becoming friends outside of your own circle with them. 578 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: That is selfish behavior. 579 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:17,159 Speaker 2: People. 580 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:20,560 Speaker 1: There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What 581 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 1: I love is that all these people who are meeting 582 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,879 Speaker 1: at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives, 583 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,199 Speaker 1: and they all end up spending time together, going for 584 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,600 Speaker 1: dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so 585 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the 586 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,920 Speaker 1: different friends that they want and how they want to 587 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,239 Speaker 1: spend time with them. I'd say my games nights and 588 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements. 589 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,520 Speaker 1: It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize 590 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,080 Speaker 1: that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued 591 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: this cycle for a while now and I really like it. 592 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,879 Speaker 1: I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is 593 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,080 Speaker 1: really important when it comes to making friends is noticing 594 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,840 Speaker 1: your negative traits. And so I have some friends who 595 00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:59,680 Speaker 1: I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset 596 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,240 Speaker 1: with me about things that I was doing, and I 597 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,480 Speaker 1: noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to 598 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:03,960 Speaker 1: change it. 599 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:04,840 Speaker 2: The friend that I. 600 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,040 Speaker 1: Went to about the girl in the beginning that I 601 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,960 Speaker 1: was telling you about, she told me that, yes, sometimes 602 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,919 Speaker 1: your communication is really bad, and I know you, so 603 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,200 Speaker 1: it's easy for me to handle. But for people who 604 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,240 Speaker 1: are new to you, they may take it in a 605 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,560 Speaker 1: negative way and someone else mentioned to me. They're like, oh, 606 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,960 Speaker 1: when you reply back with short answers, I always thought 607 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: that you were upset with me, but I realized you're not. 608 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,000 Speaker 1: You're just a fast hyper And so for me, what 609 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,960 Speaker 1: I've had to now communicate openly to my friends is listen, 610 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,000 Speaker 1: I have to be on my phone a lot for 611 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:34,920 Speaker 1: my work, So when we're messaging, I'm sending you short 612 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,080 Speaker 1: messages back just to get make sure that I've responded 613 00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,399 Speaker 1: to you. And sometimes I might even forget, but if 614 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 1: you called me, or if you've voiced O me, I 615 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: will hit you. 616 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:43,560 Speaker 2: Back for sure. 617 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,480 Speaker 1: And I've really worked on that, and my friends have 618 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 1: noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow, 619 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:49,760 Speaker 1: I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now. 620 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:51,879 Speaker 1: So if people mean something to you and you want 621 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,080 Speaker 1: to keep them in your life, notice what you are 622 00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 1: doing wrong too. Another one of mine was being late. 623 00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:00,560 Speaker 1: I used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic. 624 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,760 Speaker 1: I would end up just thinking I could get somewhere 625 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,480 Speaker 1: fast enough, and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track 626 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:07,200 Speaker 1: of time, and I'd always end up late. So I'd 627 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 1: built a narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow, 628 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 1: You're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that. 629 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,920 Speaker 1: So I've really worked on it, and now people are 630 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,120 Speaker 1: like shocked that I'm always on time. And guess what, 631 00:26:17,359 --> 00:26:20,399 Speaker 1: I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some 632 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,199 Speaker 1: people are still holding onto it with dear life, and 633 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,680 Speaker 1: I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now. 634 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,639 Speaker 1: I think it's really important to reflect on what we 635 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,360 Speaker 1: can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned 636 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: to do because my mind is so scattered and I 637 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,439 Speaker 1: have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant 638 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:35,159 Speaker 1: at being a friend. 639 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,480 Speaker 2: He really is. He's so good. 640 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,880 Speaker 1: He's so good at messaging people on no matter how 641 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:42,040 Speaker 1: busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people, 642 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: call people, text people. So, because I'm not good at 643 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,879 Speaker 1: that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is 644 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: kept a note in my phone of all the people 645 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:50,639 Speaker 1: I want to check I want to reach out to 646 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,800 Speaker 1: on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey, 647 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,879 Speaker 1: how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave 648 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:57,240 Speaker 1: it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the 649 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:59,200 Speaker 1: capacity to then keep going back and forth and I 650 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 1: don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them, 651 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you 652 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,359 Speaker 1: hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I 653 00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:09,119 Speaker 1: think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort 654 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,199 Speaker 1: people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being 655 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: an active listener. We're so used to telling people things 656 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,720 Speaker 1: about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active 657 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,840 Speaker 1: listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working 658 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,399 Speaker 1: on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and 659 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:28,080 Speaker 1: absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that 660 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,400 Speaker 1: I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact 661 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something 662 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,520 Speaker 1: that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that 663 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,760 Speaker 1: I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building 664 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you 665 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey, 666 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,359 Speaker 1: how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of 667 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:47,360 Speaker 1: other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are, 668 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,240 Speaker 1: Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation, 669 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,840 Speaker 1: because if you just say I'm good, how are you? 670 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:56,240 Speaker 1: It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for 671 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,880 Speaker 1: the conversation to go in different directions so they feel 672 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,639 Speaker 1: like they're getting to know you more and you can 673 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,800 Speaker 1: ask them questions to help you get to know them more. 674 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,560 Speaker 1: I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I 675 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,280 Speaker 1: hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful 676 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,600 Speaker 1: ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in 677 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,880 Speaker 1: your life, because that's what community is about, support, care 678 00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,840 Speaker 1: and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me, 679 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: and I hope, hope and pray that it does that 680 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,200 Speaker 1: for you too. I read this one quote and I'll 681 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:26,680 Speaker 1: leave you with this. It said friendship is born at 682 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:30,120 Speaker 1: the moment when one person says to another what you too. 683 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 1: I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis, 684 00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:36,479 Speaker 1: and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like, 685 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,560 Speaker 1: I just want to be understood, and I just want 686 00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:40,240 Speaker 1: to feel like there's somebody else in the world that 687 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,239 Speaker 1: feels the same and understands me, or a community that 688 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 1: really understands me. And I thought it was such a 689 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:48,880 Speaker 1: beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope 690 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 1: you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know, 691 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 1: send me in some of your rejection friends stories and 692 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 1: also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear 693 00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,600 Speaker 1: them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful, 694 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 1: wonderful day.