1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this 2 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:10,840 Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast 5 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:17,280 Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,040 Speaker 1: from Spotify and create any type of content that you 7 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you 8 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more. 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot 10 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:34,120 Speaker 1: fm to get started on. 11 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 2: This week's episode in her Space. 12 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,640 Speaker 1: The other thing is that his relationship with the work 13 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: wife may be totally appropriate, but there is something about 14 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:50,000 Speaker 1: the work wife that is bringing up my insecurities. Right, 15 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 1: So let's say because a common thing that can happen. 16 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,480 Speaker 2: Wait, does she got a big booty? Is that what 17 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 2: it is? She? 18 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 1: Not only does she have a big old voting there 19 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:10,200 Speaker 1: but welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting 20 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: women like you. We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard, a 21 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,319 Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist. 22 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,520 Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a 23 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,760 Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please 24 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from 25 00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:31,920 Speaker 2: fiboys to fake friends and create a safe space where 26 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:36,679 Speaker 2: black women can just be all right. 27 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 1: So our quote of the day is I'm gonna just 28 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: say it up front. It's a controversial one, and normally 29 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,640 Speaker 1: our quote of the day, I'm like, yes, let's put 30 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:50,720 Speaker 1: this on Instagram. Letz hashtag this, like this quote is dope. 31 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:57,720 Speaker 1: This quote is not, but it is useful to dive 32 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: into our conversation today. So our quote of the day 33 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 1: comes from an unknown source who says true confidence has 34 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,840 Speaker 1: no room for jealousy and envy. When you know you 35 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 1: were great, there is no reason to hate. I found 36 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,399 Speaker 1: all kinds of problems with that quote. 37 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,000 Speaker 3: But see, what do you think. 38 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,400 Speaker 2: I think it's one of those quotes where it's like 39 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,639 Speaker 2: it sounds good and if you're having a good day, 40 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,440 Speaker 2: it's like, yeah, girl caption. But then when you think 41 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 2: about it, it's like, it's it's shames whoever is having 42 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:44,840 Speaker 2: these very human and normal emotions of jealousy and envy. 43 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,919 Speaker 2: So if you read that, it's like, well, damn, what's 44 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 2: wrong with me? I must not be confident because confidence 45 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,239 Speaker 2: has no room for jealousy. And envy. Damn, I guess 46 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 2: I'm a hater, Like you know what I mean, Like 47 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 2: when it just to me, it's problematic and I don't 48 00:02:59,280 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 2: think it's real. 49 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,680 Speaker 3: It also says I agree with all of that, and 50 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:04,240 Speaker 3: I would. 51 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: Add to that, but that it says that if I 52 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:12,360 Speaker 1: experience jealousy or envy, then I must be hating on 53 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 1: someone or hate someone or something, when that's not what 54 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,919 Speaker 1: jealousy and envy are all about in. 55 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 3: The first place. 56 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: You ready to dive into this. 57 00:03:25,919 --> 00:03:28,320 Speaker 2: I'm ready to dive in down. I will say, though, 58 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:32,560 Speaker 2: just off the bat this topic, like these two words 59 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,320 Speaker 2: us preparing content for this episode. I felt like there 60 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 2: was an energy shift and it felt I don't know, 61 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: these words just feel kind of heavy to me when 62 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,960 Speaker 2: I think about them. When I hear them, it makes 63 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,480 Speaker 2: me want to like whisper and like, you know, crouch 64 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:51,040 Speaker 2: down low because it just feels so negative and so shameful. 65 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 2: And I think about when I've experienced jealousy and envy 66 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh my god, like I don't really 67 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,119 Speaker 2: want to talk about that and it's uncomfortable and why 68 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 2: do I feel this way? I want to beat myself 69 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 2: up for feeling this, and so I'm really happy that 70 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 2: we're diving into the topic. But I don't think this 71 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 2: is an easy one because many of us just don't 72 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,040 Speaker 2: have conversations about these feelings. 73 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 1: You're right, we don't talk about it, and these feelings 74 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,600 Speaker 1: come up all the. 75 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 2: Times, especially with social media. Okay, I just felt this 76 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 2: way earlier today. What happened? What happened when you put 77 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 2: it out there? Now you gotta tell us. So I 78 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 2: think it happens on and off. There are a few 79 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 2: things you're scrolling down and you see someone's picture and 80 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,600 Speaker 2: it's like, now the thing is I Before I tell you, 81 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 2: let's talk about what they actually mean? Because I even 82 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,279 Speaker 2: get confused, and I think we use them interchangeably. So 83 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,719 Speaker 2: it's like, oh, I'm jealous or I'm envious, but it's like, wait, 84 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 2: are you really using it correctly? So when we say jealousy, like, 85 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 2: what does jealousy mean? 86 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: So jealousy means usually involves a third party, So two 87 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:03,240 Speaker 1: people and a third party. Right, let me give an example. 88 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: So let's say that you and your partner are you know, 89 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: y'all have like a great relationship, everything's going smoothly, and 90 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:23,840 Speaker 1: then they have a new friend at work and this 91 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: new friend happens to be a woman, and you find 92 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:35,920 Speaker 1: yourself having some negative reactions to the amount of time 93 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: your partner is spending on work projects with this with 94 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:49,919 Speaker 1: this other woman. Those feelings that come up are probably jealousy. 95 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 2: And what makes it jealousy is the fact that there's 96 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,000 Speaker 2: a third party involved. But also there's like a rival 97 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 2: for affectionate attention. So it's like, my partner is giving 98 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,840 Speaker 2: this to that person, but I want that attention on me, yes, okay, 99 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 2: Whereas envy occurs between only two people, and it's best 100 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:18,560 Speaker 2: summed up as I want what you have. So just 101 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,280 Speaker 2: to kind of shift the example just to fit, let's 102 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,560 Speaker 2: say that, Oh, let's use a good example. I feel 103 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 2: like a lot of women can resonate with this. I'm 104 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 2: scrolling down Instagram and I see Meg the Stallion's fine 105 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,440 Speaker 2: ass mag the stallionsh I think, make the Stallion. She's 106 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 2: like many people's body goals. I mean she's like she's 107 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,160 Speaker 2: a stallion. I mean she's built right. So a lot 108 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,479 Speaker 2: of people may see or women may see that and 109 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:47,640 Speaker 2: they're like, damn, I want to make the stallion body. 110 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 2: I want to make the stallion. Needs is everyone's talking 111 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 2: about like I want that, you know, So I think 112 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 2: envy is more so I want what you have, and 113 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 2: then you have jealousy, which is a third party, and 114 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,920 Speaker 2: then there's a rival for that affectionate tension. I definitely 115 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 2: use them interchangeably, and I use them incorrectly. I would 116 00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:10,040 Speaker 2: say that mine is more so envy, but it's not. 117 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 2: I think I think my feelings of jealousy and envy 118 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 2: have shifted over the years. I think I'm matured in 119 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 2: that way now saying I'm never going to get to 120 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 2: a point where I have like a negative feeling around that. 121 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 2: But I haven't. I don't recall facing a negative, a 122 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:31,560 Speaker 2: very strong negative feeling around that in a while. But yeah, 123 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 2: my example was just like scrolling down the timeline, you 124 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 2: see someone just doing something dope, looking amazing or like 125 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,679 Speaker 2: on vacation. It's like a quick like, oh damn, that's cool, 126 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,160 Speaker 2: but I want to do that right now, you know 127 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 2: what I mean? Something like that, that's envy. 128 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 1: And but that is what we often will incorrectly label 129 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 1: as jealousy exactly. We tend to, like you said, like 130 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: we tend to group envy and jealousy in the all 131 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: behaviors of endie and jealousy in the same category when 132 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 1: they really are not to me. When I think about it, 133 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 1: I think about envy as and both of them do 134 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:22,200 Speaker 1: come from internal space, right, internal like sign of something, 135 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,400 Speaker 1: and that's where they can kind of differ. 136 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:26,320 Speaker 2: Right. 137 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:33,960 Speaker 1: So when I think about, Okay, scrolling Instagram or something 138 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: some social media platform and I see someone and I 139 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: see like megda Sallion and I'm like, ooh, I wish 140 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 1: I had her knees. Right, That's that's envy, like we said, 141 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 1: And I can say that in passing and not feel 142 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,240 Speaker 1: I can keep moving with my day, right, I don't 143 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: necessarily let that tear me down, and I'm not more 144 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:18,240 Speaker 1: than likely going to do anything to harm make the 145 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:21,319 Speaker 1: stallion in her knees. Right, So that's how we know. 146 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 3: That it's envy. 147 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: Jealousy would be more if Megan and I were besties, right, 148 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:37,559 Speaker 1: and I'm like, girl, I like your knees. I need 149 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,680 Speaker 1: to have your knees, Like I'm jealous that that I 150 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: don't have knees like yours, and then I do something 151 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: to harm her. 152 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 2: I think there's a little difference there. So I think 153 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,880 Speaker 2: with jealousy there's that that this is I'm just learning this. 154 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 2: So this is why I'm like, wait, let me look 155 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:56,679 Speaker 2: at the note. 156 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,839 Speaker 1: Somebody reiterated, right, because it which is why I want 157 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: us to die in. That's why I'm putting these exists 158 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:01,600 Speaker 1: out there. 159 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,839 Speaker 2: Yeah, good stuff, so that when we feel an emotion, 160 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 2: we're able to like say, this is what it is. 161 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,960 Speaker 2: It with the jealousy, there's there's a third party missing. 162 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,640 Speaker 2: So I think what you shared about her knees, that 163 00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,640 Speaker 2: would be envy. But I feel like you can have 164 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 2: like you can you can be jealous and it not 165 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,800 Speaker 2: be like a negative or like hostile jealousy or the 166 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 2: same with envy, like it can be harmless. But I 167 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 2: think with jealousy it would be like, okay, so make 168 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 2: the style and I do follow her as you'll probably 169 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,080 Speaker 2: see or hear as I continue to talk about her 170 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 2: and her she has a dog. It's a cute little 171 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 2: I think it's like a pit bull or something like that. 172 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,280 Speaker 2: I think so or frenchy or something. And her dog's 173 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,320 Speaker 2: name is Fax. So if you and Make the Style 174 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 2: and were besties and she was given Fae more attention, 175 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,600 Speaker 2: then you be jealous because you want the attention and 176 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 2: affection on you and not faue. 177 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:56,560 Speaker 1: So because her knees are part of her person, that's 178 00:10:56,679 --> 00:11:01,000 Speaker 1: not considered a third party exactly. So, and that's why 179 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:06,079 Speaker 1: that would still remain envy and not jealousy exactly. 180 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,200 Speaker 2: God, yes, we got it. Okay. Can I tell you 181 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,360 Speaker 2: I definitely have used these words the wrong way. So 182 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 2: I'm like, all right, okay, this is what it means. 183 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,920 Speaker 2: And so when you think about envy, So I was 184 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 2: reading this article and it said that there were two 185 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,400 Speaker 2: different types. This is psychology today, but two different types 186 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:25,040 Speaker 2: of envy. And so there's the hostile envy and there's 187 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 2: depressed envy. And I think this leads to what we 188 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,000 Speaker 2: were talking about before. So depressed envy occurs when someone 189 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:35,320 Speaker 2: else's success makes you feel worse about you or your life. 190 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,439 Speaker 2: You feel diminished, you feel lost, you feel defeated, you 191 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 2: feel humiliated. You see this person. I'm just going to 192 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 2: bring up social media because I feel like that's easy 193 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 2: access for everyone to feel these emotions. You see that person, 194 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 2: I know it happens like so many wildly successful people 195 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,320 Speaker 2: and you're like, oh my gosh, this person is in 196 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,720 Speaker 2: Dubai again, or this person's on a jet or this, 197 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,839 Speaker 2: it impacts your status, right, and it makes you feel 198 00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 2: worse about yourself. That is depressed envy. And then you 199 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,840 Speaker 2: have hostile envy, and that occurs when you feel angry 200 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 2: and want the other person to fail in some way. Ah. 201 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: So if we go back to my mega stallion example, right, 202 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,440 Speaker 1: So the first part of that when I'm like just 203 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 1: looking at her on Instagram and I'm like, oh, I 204 00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 1: wish I had her knees, and then I start feeling 205 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:26,400 Speaker 1: bad about myself because I don't have her knees then, 206 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,760 Speaker 1: and maybe I start engaging in self sabotaging behavior and 207 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,320 Speaker 1: I do all kinds whatever, right, at least all these 208 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,479 Speaker 1: other negative behaviors. 209 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 3: That's the depressed envy exactly. But then if. 210 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: I'm in that space where I'm like, me and Meg 211 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:43,320 Speaker 1: are bestie's and I'm like, well, I need to take 212 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: her knees out because I because if she continues to 213 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,560 Speaker 1: have those knees and I don't have those knees, and 214 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,160 Speaker 1: that becomes hostile envy. 215 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 2: Yes, hostile envy. And then they say that some people 216 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,520 Speaker 2: identify a third envy, which is benign envy. So this 217 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:03,280 Speaker 2: is when you have positive admiration of the qualities of 218 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 2: another person. 219 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,560 Speaker 1: So that's when I'm looking at it, and instead of 220 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: me having these other two feelings, I'm looking at Meg's 221 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,760 Speaker 1: knees and I'm like, man, she got some badass knees, 222 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:18,000 Speaker 1: Like that's real. Low, damn, that's so dope. Shout out 223 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: to Meg for having them bomb ass knee Yes, okay. 224 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,800 Speaker 2: And so it actually makes me think about something that 225 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:27,400 Speaker 2: happened recently with me where I went home to visit 226 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 2: family and I stay there for a week, and I 227 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 2: went to go see my best friend who just had 228 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 2: a baby. Now, if you haven't caught up on some 229 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:37,120 Speaker 2: of our episodes, I have been trying to get pregnant 230 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 2: for It's been two years now, which is crazy. A 231 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 2: little over two years, which is like bizarready even think 232 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,800 Speaker 2: that so much time has gone by. And my best 233 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,720 Speaker 2: friend and I we were pregnant together this year, like earlier, 234 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,840 Speaker 2: I had a miscared. She ended up having her baby, 235 00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 2: and so, as you can imagine, there could have been 236 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,800 Speaker 2: a lot of different emotions that came up being there. 237 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,840 Speaker 2: So I got to see her and her newborn, I 238 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,360 Speaker 2: got to hold them, take pictures. I was so excited, 239 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,240 Speaker 2: and I remember just thinking to myself. I was like, 240 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,720 Speaker 2: I just had like a personal moment while I was like, 241 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,319 Speaker 2: I'm so proud of you because I am like genuinely 242 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,160 Speaker 2: excited for her, and I'm excited for her. I love 243 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,440 Speaker 2: her baby and I still want my baby. And so 244 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,680 Speaker 2: when I think about these definitions, I was envious, but 245 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 2: it was benign envy. It was like a positive admiration. 246 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 2: I had good vibes, it was all good, you know, 247 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 2: good energy. But at the same time, I still wanted 248 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 2: the thing that I've been trying to manifest. Yeah, it's normal, 249 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:28,840 Speaker 2: it's normal. 250 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 3: Those are normal feelings to have. 251 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: If you had come back and you said you had 252 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,440 Speaker 1: not experienced that at all and it didn't bring up 253 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 1: anything for you, I would actually be That's when I 254 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: would be questioning your mental health, like are you sure 255 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:54,920 Speaker 1: everything's okay? Like maybe you might be in some deep denial, 256 00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:00,080 Speaker 1: because it's not that you have to have that feeling 257 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 1: and it has to be like a deep depression. 258 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 2: Because of it. It doesn't have to be. 259 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:09,600 Speaker 1: Depressed envy, right, but it should come up on some 260 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:15,280 Speaker 1: level like that feeling, and even if it lasted like 261 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 1: a fleeting moment, it should come up. 262 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's a good point. I think that, 263 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 2: Oh man, I just lost my train of thought jealousy, envy. 264 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 2: Oh so I although I'm in that space with this 265 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 2: particular I want to say issue I had benign envy there, 266 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 2: it was positive, everything was great. I still want to 267 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 2: hold space for when we have situations where someone is 268 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,880 Speaker 2: just having a rough time, where it's like depressive envy 269 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,600 Speaker 2: or jealousy or even hostile. Maybe you are having some 270 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:52,160 Speaker 2: thoughts like I want to do something because I'm just 271 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,800 Speaker 2: so fucking mad. Let's say, for instance, like this one person. 272 00:15:55,840 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 2: Just make up a name. Let's say Shakira at the office, right, Shakira, 273 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:06,520 Speaker 2: she is always winning, and she's just like the star player. 274 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 2: You're never celebrated, and you're just like, what the fuck 275 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 2: that right there? Wait? Wait, wait, that would be that 276 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,160 Speaker 2: would be envy and not jealousy if she's winning and 277 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 2: you just want to win because you haven't been chosen. Right, 278 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 2: And let's say that you're like I want to sabotage her, 279 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 2: I want to do something. What do we do then? Right? 280 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 2: And like, how do we feel when emotions come up? 281 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,800 Speaker 2: Because I know in the past, whenever a jealousy or 282 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 2: envy has come up for me. I judge myself. I 283 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 2: am I feel a lot of shame. I'm like, you 284 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,440 Speaker 2: shouldn't feel this way. Why do you feel this way? 285 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 2: You should you should be grateful for all that God 286 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,280 Speaker 2: has given you. That person that's their blessing. Like it's 287 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,600 Speaker 2: just a lot of shame. And I think that when 288 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:53,880 Speaker 2: we have a conversation around coping and moving through the feelings, 289 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 2: that's important. But I also want to talk about how 290 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 2: does it feel to just sit with it? 291 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 3: You know, well, that's it's uncomfortable. 292 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,720 Speaker 1: It's uncomfortable because it's forcing you to have to ask 293 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: yourself and look at Okay, well, what are the things 294 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:18,280 Speaker 1: that need to possibly change in my life? Because something's 295 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: got to change in order for me to stop feeling 296 00:17:21,359 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: this way? Right, So, if Shakira is constantly winning and 297 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:33,480 Speaker 1: I'm not, and I'm upset that I'm not winning, well one, 298 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,200 Speaker 1: let me acknowledge that I am upset that I'm not winning. 299 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,879 Speaker 2: There acknowledge it first, right when I in denial and 300 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 2: not being passive aggressive, we are acknowledging. 301 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 1: I'm acknowledging that I am upset that I am not winning. 302 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: And then I step back and I say and I 303 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:54,399 Speaker 1: figure out, I evaluate the situation to figure out what 304 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,439 Speaker 1: might be the roadblocks that are keeping me from winning. 305 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: And the thing to pay attention to is that those 306 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:08,199 Speaker 1: roadblocks could be my own internal stuff. It could be 307 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,879 Speaker 1: external stuff in my environment. But I won't know for 308 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,239 Speaker 1: sure unless I keep an open mind and try to 309 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,280 Speaker 1: examine the entire picture. 310 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 2: Let's see, envy sometimes feels like it could be the 311 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,960 Speaker 2: easy way out because now when you start to get curious, 312 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,480 Speaker 2: you got to hold yourself accountable. Right, So we're talking 313 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,880 Speaker 2: about acknowledging the way that we feel. This is all work, right, 314 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,600 Speaker 2: This is not just like, oh I don't like that bitch, right, 315 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,280 Speaker 2: Like I'm just hating or whatever it is to mask 316 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 2: how you really feel. It's like, oh wait, how do 317 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:42,639 Speaker 2: I feel? Two? What can I control? Back to the 318 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 2: question that don as mentioned in the previous episodes that 319 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,159 Speaker 2: I have like held on to for dear life. What 320 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:52,359 Speaker 2: can I control? Right and acknowledging and coming to grips 321 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,840 Speaker 2: with Okay, what do I need to do to start winning? 322 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 2: Is that possibility? Is it possible for me in my 323 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,359 Speaker 2: you know, in a fair environment where I can do that? 324 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 2: Like it just opens up the door to possibilities if 325 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,040 Speaker 2: we're willing to get to that place right right and 326 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:09,399 Speaker 2: also be being gentle with ourselves and knowing that it 327 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,000 Speaker 2: happens to the best of us, especially with social media 328 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 2: these days. 329 00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,960 Speaker 1: And having that self compassion, you know, like when you 330 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 1: talk about be gentle with yourself. And if we go 331 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 1: back to our office example with Shakira. 332 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,359 Speaker 3: You know, the reality is that. 333 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,880 Speaker 1: You might not be doing what needs to be done 334 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:35,919 Speaker 1: for you to win, right, And oftentimes that's the hard 335 00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:41,679 Speaker 1: thing for us to acknowledge that. Okay, well, Shakira is 336 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: winning because Shakira is meeting all of her deadlines and 337 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:53,880 Speaker 1: all of her goals. Dominique over here not winning because 338 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 1: do Monique is not doing the work. Dominique is showing 339 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: up and doing the bare minimum. And why am I 340 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: just showing up and doing the bare minimum? Maybe I'm 341 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 1: unhappy in this position in the first place. Maybe I 342 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:17,920 Speaker 1: took this job because I needed a job, Bills got 343 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,520 Speaker 1: to be paid, and this was the one thing that 344 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:25,280 Speaker 1: was open. So now this envy, that this feeling of 345 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,840 Speaker 1: enemy that I recognize has led me down a deeper 346 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:36,320 Speaker 1: rabbit hole of self expiration and introspection, which could completely 347 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,280 Speaker 1: if I'm open to it allow me to have a 348 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,719 Speaker 1: complete turnaround, because if I can look at it and 349 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,160 Speaker 1: I can say, okay, well, part of why I'm envious 350 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,080 Speaker 1: is because I'm in I am in a situation that 351 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: is not meant for me, and so I need to 352 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 1: figure out now that I know, I need to figure 353 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,439 Speaker 1: out what steps I can take to get out of 354 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,919 Speaker 1: that situation and put myself in a situation where I 355 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: can win. 356 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,359 Speaker 2: And if you are in a situation where let's say 357 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,719 Speaker 2: Dom is killing it and you're like, I'm still not 358 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,480 Speaker 2: getting any recognition or a promotion, then it's like, Okay, 359 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:15,639 Speaker 2: let me have a conversation with my manager, like figure 360 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,199 Speaker 2: out what am I missing here because this person's winning. 361 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,280 Speaker 2: Now we're talking a lot about envy, and I want 362 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,280 Speaker 2: to share another example that came up for me where 363 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,439 Speaker 2: I had like a personal a high moment, and then 364 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,199 Speaker 2: I want to talk about jealousy because I feel like 365 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 2: there are like a few different nuance things, so we 366 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,320 Speaker 2: got to cover when it comes to that affection and 367 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,960 Speaker 2: attention rivaling. So the thing I want to talk about 368 00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 2: as it relates to envy. Lady, I don't know about you, 369 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,359 Speaker 2: but this episode is getting really good. So if you 370 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,639 Speaker 2: are resonating with anything that we've touched on today, please 371 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:49,120 Speaker 2: please please leave us a review on iTunes a five 372 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,399 Speaker 2: star review with a comment we read them all, we 373 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,920 Speaker 2: appreciate you. And also follow us on Instagram at her 374 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,680 Speaker 2: Space podcast. So I went to see my sister and 375 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,360 Speaker 2: my niece and nephew when I was on the East 376 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:05,000 Speaker 2: doing my solo trip. And my sister, she's so creative, 377 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,240 Speaker 2: she's so talented, and she decorated her home and I mean, 378 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 2: it looks so bombed. So she has I mean, she's 379 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,479 Speaker 2: so creative. She's one of those people where she can 380 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 2: just go on a print Pinterest and she can just 381 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,200 Speaker 2: recreate one of the looks right. So her living room 382 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,200 Speaker 2: looks so bombed. She has plants all over the place. 383 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 2: It looks so good. And what happened was I was 384 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 2: there and I remember I was just like giving her 385 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,240 Speaker 2: so many compliments, like, girl, this place looks so bombed. 386 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:29,919 Speaker 2: I want you to help me do my place like 387 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 2: it looks so good. And I remember getting home after 388 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 2: that trip and I text her picture of my living room, 389 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,159 Speaker 2: like okay, can you help me try to transform my 390 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 2: living room? And so she gave me all these tips, 391 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 2: and then I felt really overwhelmed, and I was like, 392 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,480 Speaker 2: paulse wait a minute, you saw something you was like 393 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,520 Speaker 2: that someone else has, which is great, right I thought 394 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,359 Speaker 2: it was wonderful. I have a vision for myself on 395 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:55,119 Speaker 2: how I want my dream home to look. And what 396 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 2: I realized I was trying to do was I was 397 00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:02,440 Speaker 2: really trying to sort of put on a certain thing. 398 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,880 Speaker 2: In this case, it would be the decor of her 399 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 2: home into my current place, in my current apartment, when 400 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 2: I'm not really ready for that in my journey. And 401 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:14,040 Speaker 2: I was just like, damn, Sometimes we want what someone has, 402 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 2: but it's really not for you, or at least it's 403 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,159 Speaker 2: not for you right now. And I was like, you 404 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 2: know what I had to tell her. I was like, 405 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,440 Speaker 2: you know, it's this. I got so overwhelmed from that 406 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 2: list you sent me. I'm actually gonna pause on that. 407 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,520 Speaker 2: And I started to think, do I want what I 408 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,480 Speaker 2: want because she has it, or do I want it 409 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 2: because it's a good fit for me right now? And 410 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,080 Speaker 2: based on where we are, my husband and I probably 411 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,760 Speaker 2: aren't going to be in this apartment like for super long. 412 00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:37,639 Speaker 2: We also when we do move, you know, it's not 413 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,880 Speaker 2: super What is it. It's temporary, so when we do move, 414 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,720 Speaker 2: we're gonna have a lot more stuff to move. If 415 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,720 Speaker 2: I were to buy all this new Ducorse, I was like, honestly, 416 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,600 Speaker 2: it really doesn't make sense for me to even do 417 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,520 Speaker 2: all that. I can appreciate what she has and let 418 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,359 Speaker 2: that sit in that space and not have to like 419 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,120 Speaker 2: recreate that for myself, you know what I mean. 420 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:59,240 Speaker 1: That's an excellent, excellent notice because I think that oftentimes 421 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,600 Speaker 1: we take that positive feeling and it fuels our motivation 422 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 1: into something, and then we are constantly overwhelmed. And this 423 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:11,239 Speaker 1: is how we end up with initially three things on 424 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,600 Speaker 1: our to do list, and before you know it, because 425 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:16,960 Speaker 1: we get so fueled and motivated by other people doing 426 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,359 Speaker 1: great things, we're like, oh shit, yeah, I could do 427 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,320 Speaker 1: that too, That's an excellent idea to upstart my life. 428 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,119 Speaker 1: And next thing, you know, you went from three things 429 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,720 Speaker 1: on the to do list to twenty five things. 430 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,360 Speaker 3: And then you are stressed out because you're not flowing, 431 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,119 Speaker 3: you're forcing, and it's like you being on the highway 432 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,960 Speaker 3: right and you're in your own lane, but you look 433 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,399 Speaker 3: over and you're like, oh damn, she over there in 434 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:39,960 Speaker 3: the middle lane. 435 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,760 Speaker 2: She got her test sled. Traffic is going super smooth, 436 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 2: so you move over into her lane, and now you're stuck. 437 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,000 Speaker 2: You didn't face some obstacles, and it's because you are 438 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,960 Speaker 2: not even in your own lane. You are in the 439 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,160 Speaker 2: wrong space. You're not supposed to be there. You ain't 440 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,199 Speaker 2: supposed to be doing none of that shit. You're supposed 441 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,399 Speaker 2: to be in your space, getting quiet with yourself so 442 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,560 Speaker 2: you can figure out what do I really want, not 443 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:00,680 Speaker 2: what looks good on someone else, and what I might 444 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,639 Speaker 2: want to try to bring over to me. Because what 445 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,840 Speaker 2: would have probably happened was I would have got all 446 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,080 Speaker 2: this new stuff. Then I would have been stressed out 447 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 2: when we had to move because we got all this 448 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,760 Speaker 2: extra stuff. And I would have been like, you know 449 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,040 Speaker 2: what I done, did all that because I felt so 450 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,800 Speaker 2: positive and it seems so right and it seems so good. 451 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,320 Speaker 2: But now I'm back at square one. Now I'm envious 452 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,119 Speaker 2: to something else because I was just doing stuff just 453 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:22,800 Speaker 2: to be doing it. 454 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,399 Speaker 1: You know what I mean, right, and which you And 455 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 1: the thing is is that you could take all those 456 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:32,520 Speaker 1: ideas that your sister sent you and save it somewhere 457 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:37,240 Speaker 1: on the cloud and label it my dream home exactly 458 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:42,040 Speaker 1: and know that it is going to be there when 459 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:43,560 Speaker 1: your time. 460 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:49,000 Speaker 2: Is right, when your time is right. And now transitioning 461 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 2: onto the jealousy component, because the thing about jealousy is 462 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,800 Speaker 2: it's a little different because when you are jealous, there's 463 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 2: there are three parties involved, right, you and two other people. 464 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,840 Speaker 2: And so let's say we're going to use the example. 465 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,720 Speaker 2: I won't use Meg thee stallion again. We move on 466 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:06,320 Speaker 2: to something else. But let's say that it's a coworker. 467 00:26:06,359 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 2: You said, so your partner has this new coworker. It's 468 00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,320 Speaker 2: a person of the opposite sex or same sex, whatever, 469 00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:15,640 Speaker 2: someone that they're spending more time with, and you are 470 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,960 Speaker 2: you're jealous because your partner is spending more time with 471 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:24,480 Speaker 2: their new coworker. Let's say it's your partners. I don't know, 472 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,119 Speaker 2: everyone has a work wife, they say, right, it's the 473 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,439 Speaker 2: work life. So now what needs to happen after you 474 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,679 Speaker 2: acknowledge your feelings and figure out how you feel you 475 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:37,119 Speaker 2: need to have a conversation right with your partner, right, 476 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:42,160 Speaker 2: why you feel that you're not getting enough attention or affection. 477 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 2: How can they help out with that? How can you 478 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,639 Speaker 2: all kind of come to a medium? Is there anything 479 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,080 Speaker 2: inappropriate or like, is there anything that's crossing boundaries with 480 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,240 Speaker 2: this work wife or this person, right, like having a conversation, 481 00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:57,920 Speaker 2: which does open the door for vulnerability, right, because you're 482 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,560 Speaker 2: really putting yourself out there. But in those situations, I 483 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:02,719 Speaker 2: think it's best to have that conversation with your partner. 484 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,240 Speaker 2: And if it's a good partner and it's someone that 485 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,959 Speaker 2: is understanding, they will try to figure out how you 486 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,199 Speaker 2: all can meet each other halfway. 487 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,720 Speaker 1: Right, And the way I like to describe it is 488 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,680 Speaker 1: you have a healthy relationship, right, And so the thing 489 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:20,000 Speaker 1: to think about is, like we said earlier, those feelings 490 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:25,800 Speaker 1: of envy and jealousy are normal. Jealousy is almost like 491 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:30,679 Speaker 1: an instinctual survival feeling that gets triggered in us to 492 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:34,480 Speaker 1: let us know that something is off, something needs to change. 493 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:35,359 Speaker 2: Right. 494 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: The key is figuring out accurately identifying what is that 495 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: thing that needs to change. So, like you said, okay, 496 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,040 Speaker 1: so I'm going to have a conversation with my partner 497 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:54,520 Speaker 1: to let my partner know that I'm having a negative 498 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,240 Speaker 1: reaction like I'm starting to feel jealous of your relationship 499 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:02,160 Speaker 1: with your work wife, and let's kind of tap into 500 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:07,520 Speaker 1: let's figure out like why am I feeling jealous? It 501 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:10,919 Speaker 1: could be, like you said, like a survival thing of 502 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,760 Speaker 1: my instinct kicking in to let me know that there 503 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:19,119 Speaker 1: may be some boundary crossing, some inappropriate behavior going on 504 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:22,760 Speaker 1: between the two of them that needs to be addressed. Right, 505 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:30,200 Speaker 1: it could be that our relationship is experiencing some issues 506 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,200 Speaker 1: and maybe, like you said, I'm not feeling. 507 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,120 Speaker 3: The affection that I used to receive. 508 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,880 Speaker 1: And so that's why I'm feeling jealous because not that 509 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:46,320 Speaker 1: he may be giving his work wife any affection, because 510 00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 1: he may be very boundaried with her, but it may 511 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: be causing him to be less affectionate with me for 512 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:59,560 Speaker 1: whatever reason, the affection is not there. The other thing 513 00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:02,680 Speaker 1: is that his relationship with the work wife may be 514 00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 1: totally appropriate, but there is something about the work wife 515 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:12,640 Speaker 1: that is bringing up my insecurities. Right, So let's say 516 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:15,440 Speaker 1: because a common thing that can happen. 517 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:18,760 Speaker 2: Wait, does she got a big booty? Is that what 518 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,880 Speaker 2: it is? 519 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 1: She not only does she have a big old. 520 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:29,680 Speaker 2: Body, but she works out and she is fit. 521 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:37,040 Speaker 1: Now, you just had a baby, right, and you're happy 522 00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,960 Speaker 1: with You are happy, like there's no postpartu in blues 523 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 1: or anything. Right, you are happy. 524 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 3: However, how it. 525 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,720 Speaker 1: However, you and you're trying, you've been kind of struggling 526 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,960 Speaker 1: with getting back into working out, and you see the 527 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:06,000 Speaker 1: work wife and you're like, motherfuckers, and now you're jealous. 528 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:11,640 Speaker 1: You're jealous, Yes, exactly right. You got both of those 529 00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:15,680 Speaker 1: things happening because you're like, one, she's you're envious of 530 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: how bad she is, right, how bad her body is, 531 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: her body has had to hurt, she's like hashtag body goals. 532 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:22,880 Speaker 2: Right. 533 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,000 Speaker 1: But then you're jealous because you're like, this woman who 534 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,720 Speaker 1: I have some envy towards is also spending time with 535 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:35,840 Speaker 1: my husband. Now, again, there is nothing inappropriate happening between. 536 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:36,600 Speaker 2: The two of them. 537 00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:41,360 Speaker 1: It is your own insecurities that is making you upset, right, 538 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:46,200 Speaker 1: And so it's about tapping into really trying to identify, 539 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: accurately identified what may be going on. And the first 540 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,240 Speaker 1: thing is to technowledge it. Like we keep saying, you know, 541 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,880 Speaker 1: because I really want us to really understand that, is 542 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:04,720 Speaker 1: that those feelings are normal and real, and it. 543 00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:06,959 Speaker 3: Is okay to have those feelings. 544 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,000 Speaker 1: It's what we do with those feelings that can end 545 00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 1: up being problematic. Right, So we step back and we're like, 546 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:20,640 Speaker 1: all right, yeah, I'm jealous of her, but I don't 547 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,120 Speaker 1: have to act on that, Like I don't have to 548 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 1: engage in a negative way. I don't need to. I 549 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:30,520 Speaker 1: don't have to do anything to sabotage my relationship or 550 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,080 Speaker 1: his work relationship. 551 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:33,000 Speaker 2: I don't. 552 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:35,960 Speaker 1: I don't have to engage in any type of negative behavior. 553 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: I have a conversation with my husband the right. 554 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:44,240 Speaker 2: And then getting reassurance, like what reassurance do you need 555 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,000 Speaker 2: to make sure that your relationship is saw because jealousy 556 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:52,400 Speaker 2: the foundation is Wait a second, there's a something is 557 00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:56,120 Speaker 2: changing with my social relationship, right, and so one of 558 00:31:56,120 --> 00:31:59,600 Speaker 2: the tips that we've continuously shared is recognized it, Like, 559 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 2: now what's going on? I would say number two would 560 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,080 Speaker 2: be for me like kill it with kindness, and I 561 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,200 Speaker 2: kill them with kindness. Kill it with kindness, and I 562 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,720 Speaker 2: know for me, oftentimes when I feel something come up 563 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:13,360 Speaker 2: or I'm like, oh damn, that person achieved a goal 564 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,680 Speaker 2: that I really want to achieve, I will show love 565 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:19,160 Speaker 2: like immediately, But I'm not with the fake love stuff 566 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,200 Speaker 2: Like if if it's fake love, I just ain't gonna 567 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,160 Speaker 2: show no love at all. But I really encourage myself, 568 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,440 Speaker 2: like you need to compliment that person, like I kind 569 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,320 Speaker 2: of have my devil on angel on your side, and 570 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,440 Speaker 2: it's like, mm hmm, you ain't gonna be not being 571 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,640 Speaker 2: a hater today. Go ahead and complish. Tell that girl 572 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,400 Speaker 2: she looks good, Okay, congratulate that person. And I do 573 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:36,720 Speaker 2: that because it just it does feel good when you 574 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,760 Speaker 2: when you give positive energy. So I do encourage myself 575 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,960 Speaker 2: to push past how you feel and show the love 576 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 2: that you would want someone to show you, right, because 577 00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:47,840 Speaker 2: when you win, you want someone to show love. So 578 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,280 Speaker 2: even though I may have some feelings that I'm still 579 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 2: processing and working through, I do my best to kill 580 00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,160 Speaker 2: it with kindness and show love anyway. 581 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: I would say to also in this instance, reach out 582 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,600 Speaker 1: to support you support system, right, because I keep it 583 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:06,400 Speaker 1: because I think back to our specific example. If you 584 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:11,160 Speaker 1: are a new mom that has you, you need the support. 585 00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:17,640 Speaker 1: And so those feelings like are so real and so 586 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 1: impactful that getting that support, like reaching out to like 587 00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,800 Speaker 1: find your homegirls, find the people who you know are 588 00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:31,280 Speaker 1: going to be your cheerleaders, because this may be one 589 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 1: of those instances where your partner doesn't really understand, right, 590 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:39,200 Speaker 1: And so and I'm speaking, you know, I recognize that 591 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:43,560 Speaker 1: I'm speaking about this from a heterosexual relationship perspective, but 592 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:47,560 Speaker 1: no matter what the gender dynamics are, your partner might 593 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:50,360 Speaker 1: not have an understanding of what it is that you 594 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 1: are going through, and so you reach out and you 595 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:58,760 Speaker 1: find community from people who can be supportive, and as always, 596 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:00,000 Speaker 1: seek a therapist. 597 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:02,800 Speaker 2: There you go. I would agree with that, and I 598 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,880 Speaker 2: would also say just doing a reality check as well, 599 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,000 Speaker 2: like just chatting with yourself. And I think we live 600 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,239 Speaker 2: in a world that's so noisy and so busy. We 601 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,880 Speaker 2: got social media trying to get your attention. You got Netflix, 602 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:18,359 Speaker 2: just endless shows at any time you know you want, right, 603 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:20,280 Speaker 2: you can just tune in. But I think getting still 604 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 2: with yourself is so key and reminding yourself that you 605 00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,799 Speaker 2: can be happy for someone and still want something that 606 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:29,840 Speaker 2: they might have, but want it for yourself. 607 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:30,040 Speaker 1: Right. 608 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:32,400 Speaker 2: So, for instance, like I was sharing earlier, I'm so 609 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,800 Speaker 2: happy for the baby, he's so cute, I had so 610 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:36,480 Speaker 2: much fun with him. At the same time, I still 611 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,040 Speaker 2: want my baby, right likely, so it's okay to have 612 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:42,800 Speaker 2: all those feelings coexist, and just being real with yourself 613 00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:46,480 Speaker 2: again about how you feel and what you might be 614 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,600 Speaker 2: able to do to change the circumstance, right. 615 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:54,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you find that you're still struggling, consult 616 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:59,400 Speaker 1: with therapists. That therapist will can help you work through 617 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,120 Speaker 1: all all of those feelings. And sometimes we need that 618 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:08,160 Speaker 1: unbiased opinion to help us really sort through things and 619 00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 1: help us get into a good problem solving mode once 620 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,120 Speaker 1: we've gotten to the foundation of what the issues are. 621 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:20,360 Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note 622 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:24,799 Speaker 1: that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 623 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,600 Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 624 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 625 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:36,800 Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or 626 00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:39,759 Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care, 627 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:44,440 Speaker 1: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today 628 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:46,880 Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider. 629 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 630 00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:52,640 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 631 00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website 632 00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:01,960 Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 633 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:04,960 Speaker 2: after me, I know that everything is working out for 634 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 2: my good even when things don't go as planned. 635 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,520 Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, ladye. 636 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:15,279 Speaker 4: Hey everyone, I'm Jen and I'm Jess and we're the 637 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:18,000 Speaker 4: hosts of the beauty podcast Fat Mascara. 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