1 00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:04,440 Speaker 1: The other thing is that his relationship with the work 2 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: wife may be totally appropriate, but there's something about the 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 1: work wife that is bringing up my insecurities. Right, So 4 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,960 Speaker 1: let's say because a common thing that can happen. 5 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 2: Wait, do she got a big booty? Is that what 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 2: it is? 7 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 3: She not only does she have a big old body? 8 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: The Welcome to Cultivating her Space. I'm doctor Don a 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,680 Speaker 1: college professor and licensed psychologist. 10 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:38,720 Speaker 4: And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Every Friday, 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 4: we initiate authentic conversations on everything from five roids to 12 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,480 Speaker 4: fake friends and sex work to self care. 13 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,960 Speaker 1: Join us as we create a safe space where black 14 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,239 Speaker 1: women can just. 15 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,080 Speaker 4: Be all right, lady, let's get into it. 16 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 3: All right. 17 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 1: So our quote of the day is I'm gonna just 18 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:07,679 Speaker 1: say it up front. It's a controversial one, and normally 19 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,840 Speaker 1: our quote of the day, I'm like, yes, let's put 20 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:14,920 Speaker 1: this on Instagram. Let's hashtag this like this quote is dope. 21 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:21,920 Speaker 1: This quote is not, but it is useful to dive 22 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:25,839 Speaker 1: into our conversation today. So our quote of the day 23 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: comes from an unknown source who says true confidence has 24 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:38,039 Speaker 1: no room for jealousy and envy when you know you 25 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:46,559 Speaker 1: were great, there is no reason to hate. I found 26 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,760 Speaker 1: all kinds of problems with that quote, Lettie, What do 27 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: you think? 28 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 2: I think it's one of those quotes where it's like 29 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 2: it sounds good and if you're having a good day, 30 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,600 Speaker 2: it's like yeah, girl caption. But then when you think 31 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 2: about it, it's like it's shames whoever is having these 32 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:09,480 Speaker 2: very human and normal emotions of jealousy and envy. So 33 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,359 Speaker 2: if you read that, it's like, well, damn, what's wrong 34 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 2: with me? I must not be confident because confidence has 35 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 2: no room for jealousy and envy. Damn, I guess I'm 36 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,239 Speaker 2: a hater, Like you know what I mean, Like when 37 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 2: it just to me is problematic and I don't think 38 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 2: it's realistic. 39 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:27,920 Speaker 1: It also says I agree with all of that, and 40 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,280 Speaker 1: I would add to that, but that it says that 41 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:35,800 Speaker 1: if I experience jealousy or envy, then I must be 42 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: hating on someone or hate someone or something, when that's 43 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,600 Speaker 1: not what jealousy and envy are. 44 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,880 Speaker 2: All about in the first place. 45 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 3: You ready to dive into this. 46 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,800 Speaker 2: I'm ready to dive intown. I will say, though, just 47 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 2: off the bat, this topic, like these two words us 48 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 2: preparing content for this episode, I felt like there was 49 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,320 Speaker 2: an energy shift and it felt I don't know, these 50 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 2: words just feel kind of heavy to me when I 51 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 2: think about them, when I hear them, it makes me 52 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,160 Speaker 2: want to like whisper and like, you know, crouch down low, 53 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,360 Speaker 2: because it just feels so negative and so shameful. And 54 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 2: I think about when I've experienced jealousy and envy and 55 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my god, like I don't really want 56 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,440 Speaker 2: to talk about that, and it's uncomfortable and why do 57 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,280 Speaker 2: I feel this way? I want to beat myself up 58 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 2: for feeling this, and so I'm really happy that we're 59 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,840 Speaker 2: diving into the topic. But I don't think this is 60 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 2: an easy one because many of us just don't have 61 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 2: conversations about these feelings. 62 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: You're right, we don't talk about it, and these feelings 63 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 1: come up all the. 64 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 2: Time, especially with social media. Okay, I just felt this 65 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 2: way earlier today. What happened? What happened? You put it 66 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,720 Speaker 2: out there, Now you gotta tell it. So I think 67 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 2: it happens on and off. There are a few things 68 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 2: you scrolling down and you see someone's picture and it's like, 69 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 2: now the thing is before I tell you let's talk 70 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 2: about what they actually mean, because I even get confused, 71 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,080 Speaker 2: and I think we use them interchangeably, so it's like, oh, 72 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 2: I'm jealous or I'm envious, but it's like, wait, are 73 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 2: you really using it correctly? So when we say jealousy, like, 74 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,320 Speaker 2: what does jealousy mean? 75 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: So jealousy means usually involves a third party, So two 76 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:27,440 Speaker 1: people and a third party, right. Let me give an example. 77 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 1: So let's say that you and your partner are you know, 78 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: y'all have like a great relationship, everything's going smoothly, and 79 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:48,040 Speaker 1: then they have a new friend at work, and this 80 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: new friend happens to be a woman, and you find 81 00:04:54,160 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: yourself having some negative reactions to the amount of time 82 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 1: time your partner is spending on work projects with this 83 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: with this other woman. Those feelings that come up are 84 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,120 Speaker 1: probably jealousy. 85 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: And what makes it jealousy is the fact that there's 86 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,200 Speaker 2: a third party involved. But also there's like a rival 87 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,520 Speaker 2: for affectionate attention. So it's like, my partner is giving 88 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,040 Speaker 2: this to that person, but I want that attention on me, yes, okay, 89 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 2: Whereas envy occurs between only two people and it's best 90 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:42,760 Speaker 2: summed up as I want what you have. So just 91 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 2: to kind of shift the example just a bit, let's 92 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 2: say that, Oh, let's use a good example. I feel 93 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,960 Speaker 2: like a lot of women can resonate with this. I'm 94 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:56,080 Speaker 2: scrolling down Instagram and I see Meg the stallion's fine ass. 95 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,800 Speaker 2: Make the stallions, I think, make the stallions. She's like 96 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,359 Speaker 2: many people's body go. I mean she's like she's a stallion. 97 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 2: I mean she's built right. So a lot of people 98 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 2: may see or women may see that and they're like, damn, 99 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,920 Speaker 2: I want I want to make the stallion body. I 100 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,360 Speaker 2: want to make the stallion knees is everyone's talking about 101 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 2: like I want that, you know. So I think envy 102 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 2: is more so I want what you have, and then 103 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 2: you have jealousy, which is a third party, and then 104 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:26,320 Speaker 2: it's a rival for that affectionate intention. I definitely use 105 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 2: them interchangeably, and I use them incorrectly. I would say 106 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 2: that mine is more so envy, but it's not. I 107 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,719 Speaker 2: think I think my feelings of jealous and envy have 108 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 2: shifted over the years. I think I'm matured in that 109 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 2: way now saying I'm never going to get to a 110 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:46,240 Speaker 2: point where I have like a negative feeling around that. 111 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,800 Speaker 2: But I haven't. I don't recall facing a negative, a 112 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 2: very strong negative feeling around that in a while. But yeah, 113 00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:58,359 Speaker 2: my example was just like scrolling down the timeline, you 114 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,240 Speaker 2: see someone just doing something dope, looking amazing or like 115 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:04,840 Speaker 2: on vacation, and it's like a quick like, oh damn, 116 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 2: that's cool, but I want to do that right now, 117 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Something like that. 118 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 3: That's envy. 119 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: But that is what we often will incorrectly label as jealousy. 120 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,120 Speaker 1: We tend to, like you said, like we tend to 121 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: group envy and jealousy in the all behaviors of Indian 122 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,720 Speaker 1: jealousy in the same category, when they really are not 123 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 1: to me. When I think about it, I think about 124 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 1: envy as and both of them do come from internal space, right, 125 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:48,840 Speaker 1: internal like sign of something, and that's where they can 126 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:49,600 Speaker 1: kind of differ. 127 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:50,520 Speaker 2: Right. 128 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: So when I think about, okay, scrolling Instagram or something 129 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,480 Speaker 1: some social media platform and I see someone and I 130 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 1: see like make the sallion, and I'm like, ooh, I 131 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: wish I had her knees, right, that's envy, like we said. 132 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: And I can say that in passing and not feel 133 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,480 Speaker 1: I can keep moving with my day, right, I don't 134 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 1: necessarily let that tear me down, and I'm not more 135 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:42,440 Speaker 1: than likely going to do anything to harm make the 136 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:45,440 Speaker 1: stallion in her knees. Right, So that's how we know 137 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:54,440 Speaker 1: that it's envy. Jealousy would be more if Megan and 138 00:08:54,480 --> 00:09:01,000 Speaker 1: I were besties, right, and I'm like, girl, I like 139 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,640 Speaker 1: your knees. I need to have your knees, like I'm 140 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,480 Speaker 1: jealous that I that I don't have knees like yours, 141 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,719 Speaker 1: and then I do something to harm her. 142 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 2: I think there's a little difference there. So I think 143 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 2: with jealousy, there's that this is I'm just learning this, 144 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,520 Speaker 2: so this is why I'm like, wait, let me look 145 00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 2: at the note somebody reiterated, right, because it which is 146 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 2: why I want us to die. 147 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,960 Speaker 3: That's why I'm putting these exams out there. 148 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,319 Speaker 2: Good stuff, so that when we feel an emotion, we're 149 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,719 Speaker 2: able to like say, this is what it is. It 150 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 2: With the jealousy, there's there's a third party missing. So 151 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 2: I think what you shared about her knees, that would 152 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,960 Speaker 2: be envy. But I feel like you can have like 153 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 2: you can you can be jealous and it not be 154 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 2: like a negative or like hostile jealousy or the same 155 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,880 Speaker 2: with end like it can be harmless. But I think 156 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,559 Speaker 2: with jealousy it would be like, okay, so may the 157 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 2: style and I do follow her as you'll probably see 158 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 2: or hear as I continue to talk about her and 159 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 2: her she has a dog. It's a cute little I 160 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 2: think it's like a bit bull or something like that, 161 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,719 Speaker 2: think so or Frenchy or something. And her dog's name 162 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 2: is Foe. So if you and make the Style and 163 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 2: were besties and she was given Fae more attention, then 164 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 2: you be jealous because you want the attention and affection 165 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,560 Speaker 2: on you and not Faue. 166 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 3: So because her knees are part of her. 167 00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 1: Person, that's not considered a third party exactly, and so 168 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 1: then that's why that would still remain envy and not 169 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: jealousy exactly. 170 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,440 Speaker 2: God, yes, we got it, okay, because I tell you 171 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,559 Speaker 2: I definitely have used these words the wrong way. So 172 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 2: I'm like, all right, okay, this is what it means. 173 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 2: And so when you think about envy, So I was 174 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,000 Speaker 2: reading this article and it said that there were two 175 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 2: different types. This is psychology today, but two different types 176 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 2: of envy. And so there's the hostile envy and there's 177 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,840 Speaker 2: depressed envy. And I think this leads to what we 178 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,200 Speaker 2: were talking about before. So, depressed envy occurs when someone 179 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:59,520 Speaker 2: else's success makes you feel worse about you or your life. 180 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,680 Speaker 2: You feel diminished, you feel lost, you feel defeated, you 181 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 2: feel humiliated. You see this person. I'm just gonna bring 182 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 2: up social media because I feel like that's easy access 183 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,680 Speaker 2: for everyone to feel these emotions. You see that person, 184 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,680 Speaker 2: I know it happens like so many wildly successful people, 185 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,559 Speaker 2: and you're like, oh my gosh, this person is in 186 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,920 Speaker 2: Dubai again, or this person's on a jet or this 187 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 2: it impacts your status, right, and it makes you feel 188 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 2: worse about yourself. That is depressed envy. And then you 189 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:31,040 Speaker 2: have hostile envy, and that occurs when you feel angry 190 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,200 Speaker 2: and want the other person to fail in some way. 191 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,719 Speaker 1: Ah. So if we go back to my Meg the 192 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: Stallion example, right, So the first part of that when 193 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,719 Speaker 1: I'm like just looking at her on Instagram and I'm like, oh, 194 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: I wish I had her knees, And then I start 195 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,360 Speaker 1: feeling bad about myself because I don't have her knees. 196 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 3: Then and maybe I. 197 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: Start engaging in self sabotaging behavior and I do all 198 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,719 Speaker 1: kinds whatever writing least to all these other negative behaviors, 199 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 1: that's the depressed envy. But then if I'm in that 200 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:05,360 Speaker 1: space where I'm like me and Meg are bestie's and 201 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,280 Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I need to take her knees out 202 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,640 Speaker 1: because I because if she continues to have those knees 203 00:12:11,679 --> 00:12:16,319 Speaker 1: and I don't have those knees, and that becomes hostile envy. 204 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 2: Yes, hostile envy. And then they say that some people 205 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,720 Speaker 2: identify a third envy, which is benign envy. So this 206 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 2: is when you have positive admiration of the qualities of 207 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 2: another person. 208 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,959 Speaker 3: So that's when I'm looking at it. 209 00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,680 Speaker 1: And instead of me having these other two feelings, I'm 210 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,680 Speaker 1: looking at Meg's knees and I'm like, man, she got 211 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:40,920 Speaker 1: some badass knees, Like that's real low, Damn, that's so dope. 212 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 3: Shout out to Meg for having them bomb ass knees. 213 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:47,400 Speaker 2: Yes, okay. And so it actually makes me think about 214 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,120 Speaker 2: something that happened recently with me where I went home 215 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 2: to visit family and I stay there for a week, 216 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,439 Speaker 2: and I went to go see my best friend who 217 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 2: just had a baby. Now, if you haven't caught up 218 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,719 Speaker 2: on some of our episodes, I they've been trying to 219 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,640 Speaker 2: get pregnant for It's been two years now, which is crazy. 220 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,439 Speaker 2: A little over two years, which is like bizarre to 221 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,200 Speaker 2: even think that so much time has gone by. And 222 00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 2: my best friend and I we were pregnant together this year, 223 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 2: like earlier, I had a miscarre she ended up having 224 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 2: her baby, and so as you can imagine, there could 225 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,559 Speaker 2: have been a lot of different emotions that came up 226 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 2: being there. So I got to see her and her newborn, 227 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,559 Speaker 2: I got to hold him, take pictures. I was so excited, 228 00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 2: and I remember just thinking to myself, I was like, 229 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 2: I just had like a personal moment where I was like, 230 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,559 Speaker 2: I'm so proud of you because I am like genuinely 231 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,360 Speaker 2: excited for her, and I'm excited for her, I love 232 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:37,640 Speaker 2: her baby, and I still want my baby. And so 233 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,920 Speaker 2: when I think about these definitions, I was envious, but 234 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:43,439 Speaker 2: it was benign envy. It was like a positive admiration. 235 00:13:43,559 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 2: I had good vibes, it was all good, you know, 236 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,880 Speaker 2: good energy. But at the same time, I still wanted 237 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:52,319 Speaker 2: the thing that I've been trying to manifest. Yeah, it's normal, 238 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 2: it's normal. 239 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:59,400 Speaker 1: Those are normal feelings to have. If you had come 240 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: back and use said you had not experienced that at 241 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:07,280 Speaker 1: all and it didn't bring up anything for you. I 242 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: would actually be that's when I would be questioning your 243 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:14,680 Speaker 1: mental health, like are you sure everything's okay? 244 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 3: Like maybe you might be in some deep denial. 245 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: Because it's not that you have to have that feeling 246 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,280 Speaker 1: and it has to be like a deep depression. 247 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 2: Because of it. 248 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,240 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be depressed envy, right, but it 249 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:37,800 Speaker 1: should come up on some level like that feeling, and 250 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,920 Speaker 1: even if it lasted like a fleeting moment, it should 251 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 1: come up. 252 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 2: Yeah. I think that's a good point. I think that 253 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:50,320 Speaker 2: Oh man, I just lost my train of thought jealousy, envy. 254 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:56,040 Speaker 2: Oh so I although I'm in that space with this 255 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 2: particular I want to say issue I had benign and 256 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 2: be there. It was positive, everything was great. I still 257 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:06,640 Speaker 2: want to hold space for when we have situations where 258 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,520 Speaker 2: someone is just having a rough time, where it's like 259 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 2: depressive envy or jealousy or even hostile. Maybe you are 260 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,600 Speaker 2: having some thoughts like I want to do something because 261 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,240 Speaker 2: I'm just so fucking mad. Let's say, for instance, like 262 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:22,120 Speaker 2: this one person just make up a name. Let's say 263 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 2: Shakira at the office, right, Shakira, she is always winning 264 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:33,720 Speaker 2: and she's just like the star player. You're never celebrated, 265 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,040 Speaker 2: and you're just like, what the fuck that right there? 266 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 4: Wait? 267 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 2: Wait, wait, that would be that would be envy and 268 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 2: not jealousy. If she's winning and you just want to 269 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 2: win because you haven't been chosen, right, and let's say 270 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,320 Speaker 2: that you're like, I want to sabotage her, I want 271 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 2: to do something. What do we do then? Right? And like, 272 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 2: how do we feel when emotions come up? Because I 273 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,400 Speaker 2: know in the past, whenever a jealousy or envy has 274 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 2: come up for me, I judge myself. I am I 275 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 2: feel a lot of shame. I'm like, you shouldn't feel 276 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,160 Speaker 2: this way. Why do you feel this way? You should 277 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 2: you should be grateful for all that God has given 278 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,720 Speaker 2: you that person, that's their blessing. Like, it's just a 279 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,480 Speaker 2: lot of shame. And I think that when we have 280 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 2: a conversation around coping and moving through the feelings, that's important. 281 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 2: But I also want to talk about how does it 282 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,480 Speaker 2: feel to just sit with it? You know, well, that's 283 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:25,479 Speaker 2: it's uncomfortable. 284 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:30,360 Speaker 1: I mean it's uncomfortable because it's forcing you to have 285 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:34,120 Speaker 1: to ask yourself and look at Okay, well, what are 286 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 1: the things that need to possibly change in my life, 287 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:44,880 Speaker 1: because something's got to change in order for me to 288 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:51,119 Speaker 1: stop feeling this way. Right, So, if Shakira is constantly 289 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: winning and I'm not, and I'm upset that I'm not winning, 290 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,680 Speaker 1: well one, let me acknowledge that I am upset that 291 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: I'm not winning. 292 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,080 Speaker 2: There, acknowledge it first, right when I in denial and 293 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 2: not being passive aggressive, we are acknowledging. 294 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:09,399 Speaker 1: I'm acknowledging that I am upset that I am not winning. 295 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: And then I step back and I say, and I 296 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: figure out. I evaluate the situation to figure out what 297 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 1: might be the roadblocks that are keeping me from winning. 298 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: And the thing to pay attention to is that those 299 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:32,399 Speaker 1: roadblocks could be my own internal stuff, it could be 300 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:36,080 Speaker 1: external stuff in my environment. But I won't know for 301 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:40,439 Speaker 1: sure unless I keep an open mind and try to 302 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,479 Speaker 1: examine the entire picture. 303 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 2: But see, envy sometimes feels like it could be the 304 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 2: easy way out because now when you start to get curious, 305 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,720 Speaker 2: you got to hold yourself accountable. Right, So we're talking 306 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 2: about acknowledging the way we feel. This is all work, right, 307 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:58,840 Speaker 2: This is not just like oh I don't like that bitch, right, 308 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,480 Speaker 2: Like I'm just hating or whatever it is to mask 309 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 2: how you really feel. It's like, oh wait, how do 310 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 2: I feel? Two? What can I control? Back to the 311 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,280 Speaker 2: question that don as mentioned in the previous episodes that 312 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,359 Speaker 2: I have like held on to for dear life. What 313 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,600 Speaker 2: can I control? Right and acknowledging and coming to grips 314 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,040 Speaker 2: with Okay, what do I need to do to start winning? 315 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,560 Speaker 2: Is that possibility? Is it possible for me, am I, 316 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,719 Speaker 2: you know, in a fair environment where I can do that? Like, 317 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:28,200 Speaker 2: it just opens up the door to possibilities if we're 318 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,560 Speaker 2: willing to get to that place right right, and also 319 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:34,040 Speaker 2: be being gentle with ourselves and knowing that it happens 320 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,120 Speaker 2: to the best of us, especially with social media these days. 321 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 1: And having that self compassion, you know, like when you 322 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 1: talk about be gentle with yourself and if we go 323 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,159 Speaker 1: back to our office example Wishkira. 324 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:49,560 Speaker 3: You know, the reality is that. 325 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 1: You might not be doing what needs to be done 326 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:59,920 Speaker 1: for you to win, right, And oftentimes that's the whole 327 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:05,879 Speaker 1: thing for us to acknowledge that. Okay, Well, Shakira is 328 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:11,200 Speaker 1: winning because Shakira is meeting all of her deadlines and all. 329 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,080 Speaker 2: Of her goals. 330 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:20,679 Speaker 5: Dominique over here not winning because Dominique is not doing 331 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 5: the work. Dominique is showing up and doing the bare minimum, 332 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,120 Speaker 5: And why am I just showing. 333 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:34,600 Speaker 1: Up and doing the bare minimum. Maybe I'm unhappy in 334 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,360 Speaker 1: this position in the first place. Maybe I took this 335 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:42,639 Speaker 1: job because I needed a job, Bills got to be paid, 336 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,320 Speaker 1: and this was the one thing that was open. 337 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,640 Speaker 3: So now this envy. 338 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,120 Speaker 1: That this feeling of enemy that I recognize has led 339 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:58,119 Speaker 1: me down a deeper rabbit hole of self exploration and introspection, 340 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:03,680 Speaker 1: which could comp completely if I'm open to it, allow 341 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,400 Speaker 1: me to have a complete turnaround, because if I can 342 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,160 Speaker 1: look at it and I can say, okay, well, part 343 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:13,160 Speaker 1: of why I'm envious is because I'm in I am 344 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,600 Speaker 1: in a situation that is not meant for me, and 345 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,560 Speaker 1: so I need to figure out now that I know, 346 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 1: I need to figure out what steps I can take 347 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,560 Speaker 1: to get out of that situation and put myself in 348 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 1: a situation where I can win. 349 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 2: And if you are in a situation where let's say 350 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,919 Speaker 2: dom is killing it and you're like, I'm still not 351 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 2: getting any recognition or a promotion, then it's like, okay, 352 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 2: let me have a conversation with my manager like, figure 353 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,399 Speaker 2: out what am I missing here because this person's winning. 354 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 2: Now we're talking a lot about envy, and I want 355 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,520 Speaker 2: to share another example that came up for me where 356 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,680 Speaker 2: I had like a personal aha moment. And then I 357 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,919 Speaker 2: want to talk about jealousy because I feel like there 358 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,160 Speaker 2: are like a few different nuanced things that we got 359 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,639 Speaker 2: to cover when it comes to that affection and attention rivaling. 360 00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 2: So the thing I want to talk about well as 361 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 2: it relates to envy. Lady, I don't know about you, 362 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 2: but this episode is getting really good. So if you 363 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 2: are resonating with anything that we've touched on today, please 364 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 2: please please leave us a review on iTunes a five 365 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:15,600 Speaker 2: star review with a comment we read them all, we 366 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:19,160 Speaker 2: appreciate you, and also follow us on Instagram at her 367 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 2: Space podcast. So I went to see my sister and 368 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,200 Speaker 2: my niece and nephew when I was on the East 369 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:29,200 Speaker 2: Coast doing my solo trip. And my sister she's so creative, 370 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 2: she's so talented, and she decorated her home and I 371 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,840 Speaker 2: mean it looks so bombed. So she has I mean, 372 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,520 Speaker 2: she's so creative. She's one of those people where she 373 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,200 Speaker 2: can just go on a print, Pinterest and she can 374 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 2: just recreate one of the looks. Right. So her living 375 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 2: room looks so bombed. She has plants all over the place. 376 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 2: It looks so good. And what happened was I was 377 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 2: there and I remember I was just like giving her 378 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,440 Speaker 2: so many compliments, like, girl, this place looks so bombed. 379 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 2: I want you to help me do my place like 380 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 2: it looks so good. And I remember getting home after 381 00:21:58,119 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 2: that trip and I text her picture on my living 382 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, can you help me try to transform 383 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,840 Speaker 2: my living room? And so she gave me all these 384 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 2: tips and then I felt really overwhelmed, and I was like, pause, 385 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 2: wait a minute. You saw something you like that someone 386 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:13,520 Speaker 2: else has, which is great, right, I thought it was wonderful. 387 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,320 Speaker 2: I have a vision for myself on how I want 388 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:20,080 Speaker 2: my dream home to look. And what I realized I 389 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,359 Speaker 2: was trying to do was I was really trying to 390 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:27,760 Speaker 2: sort of put on a certain thing. In this case, 391 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 2: it would be the decor of her home into my 392 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 2: current place, in my current apartment, when I'm not really 393 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 2: ready for that at my journey. And I was just like, damn, 394 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,199 Speaker 2: sometimes we want what someone has, but it's really not 395 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,800 Speaker 2: for you, or at least it's not for you right now, 396 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,280 Speaker 2: And I was like, you know what I had to 397 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 2: tell her. 398 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:43,240 Speaker 4: I was like, you know, it's this. 399 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:45,399 Speaker 2: I got so overwhelmed from that list you sent me. 400 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:47,520 Speaker 2: I'm actually gonna pause on that. And I started to think, 401 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,919 Speaker 2: do I want what I want because she has it? 402 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:52,800 Speaker 2: Or do I want it because it's a good fit 403 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,960 Speaker 2: for me right now? And based on where we are, 404 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,960 Speaker 2: my husband and I probably aren't going to be in 405 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,200 Speaker 2: this apartment for super long. We also when we do move, 406 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,280 Speaker 2: you know, it's not super what is it. It's temporary, 407 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:05,720 Speaker 2: So when we do move, we're gonna have a lot 408 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,680 Speaker 2: more stuff to move. If I were to buy all 409 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 2: this new Ducorse, I was like, honestly, it really doesn't 410 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,320 Speaker 2: make sense for me to even do all that. I 411 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,280 Speaker 2: can appreciate what she has and let that sit in 412 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,720 Speaker 2: that space and not have to like recreate that for myself. 413 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:18,320 Speaker 2: You know what I mean? 414 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: That's an excellent, excellent notice because I think that oftentimes 415 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,800 Speaker 1: we take that positive feeling and it fuels our motivation 416 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:31,640 Speaker 1: into something, and then we are constantly overwhelmed. And this 417 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 1: is how we end up with initially three things on 418 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 1: our to do list, and before you know, it because 419 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:41,160 Speaker 1: we get so fueled and motivated by other people doing 420 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:42,080 Speaker 1: great things. 421 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 3: We're like, oh. 422 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 1: Shit, yeah, I could do that too, That's an excellent 423 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:49,199 Speaker 1: idea to upstart my life. And next thing you know, 424 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: you went from three things on the to do list 425 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:52,919 Speaker 1: to twenty five things. 426 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,480 Speaker 3: And then you are stressed. 427 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:58,240 Speaker 2: Out because you're not flowing. You're forcing. And it's like 428 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,240 Speaker 2: you being on the highway right and you're in your 429 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,520 Speaker 2: own lane, but you look over and you're like, oh damn, 430 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 2: she over there in the middle lane. She got her 431 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,400 Speaker 2: test SLA traffic is going super smooth, so you move 432 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,320 Speaker 2: over into her lane, and now you're stuck. You didn't 433 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,680 Speaker 2: face some obstacles, and it's because you are not even 434 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 2: in your own lane. You are in the wrong space. 435 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,760 Speaker 2: You're not supposed to be there. You aren't supposed to 436 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,560 Speaker 2: be doing none of that shit. You're supposed to be 437 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 2: in your space, getting quiet with yourself so you can 438 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,440 Speaker 2: figure out what do I really want, not what looked 439 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 2: good on someone else, and what I might want to 440 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,159 Speaker 2: try to bring over to me, Because what would have 441 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,840 Speaker 2: probably happened was I would have got all this new stuff. 442 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,720 Speaker 2: Then I would have been stressed out when we had 443 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,000 Speaker 2: to move because we got all this extra stuff. And 444 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,960 Speaker 2: I would have been like, you know what I done, 445 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 2: did all that because that felt so positive and it 446 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,640 Speaker 2: seems so right and it seems so good. But now 447 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 2: I'm back at square one. Now I'm envious to something 448 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 2: else because I was just doing stuff just to be 449 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 2: doing it. 450 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,639 Speaker 1: You know what I mean, right, and which you And 451 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,360 Speaker 1: the thing is is that you could take all those 452 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,720 Speaker 1: ideas that your sister sent you and save it somewhere 453 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:01,480 Speaker 1: on the cloud and label it my dream home exactly 454 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,280 Speaker 1: and know that it is going to be there when 455 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: your time. 456 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:13,199 Speaker 2: Is right, when your time is right. And now transitioning 457 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,760 Speaker 2: onto the jealousy component, because the thing about jealousy is 458 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,879 Speaker 2: it's a little different because when you are jealous, there 459 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,240 Speaker 2: are three parties involved, right, you and two other people. 460 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,080 Speaker 2: And so let's say we're going to use the example. 461 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,919 Speaker 2: I won't use Meg thee stallion again. We'll move on 462 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 2: to something else. But let's say that it's the coworker. 463 00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 2: You said, So your partner has this new coworker. It's 464 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 2: a person of the opposite sex or same sex, whatever, 465 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,879 Speaker 2: someone that they're spending more time with. And you are 466 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,159 Speaker 2: you're jealous because your partner is spending more time with 467 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,719 Speaker 2: their new coworker. Let's say it's your partners. I don't know, 468 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 2: everyone has a work wife, they say, right, it's the 469 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,639 Speaker 2: work life. So now what needs to happen after you 470 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,879 Speaker 2: acknowledge your feelings and figure out how you feel, you 471 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 2: need to have a conversation with your partner, right, Why 472 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:06,360 Speaker 2: you feel that you're not getting enough attention or affection. 473 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,800 Speaker 2: How can they help out with that? How can you 474 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 2: all kind of come to a medium? Is there anything 475 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:16,280 Speaker 2: inappropriate or like, is there anything that's crossing boundaries with 476 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:19,440 Speaker 2: this work wife or this person? Right, like having a conversation, 477 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,120 Speaker 2: which does open the door for vulnerability, right, because you're 478 00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:24,760 Speaker 2: really putting yourself out there. But in those situations, I 479 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:26,919 Speaker 2: think it's best to have that conversation with your partner. 480 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,439 Speaker 2: And if it's a good partner and it's someone that 481 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:33,159 Speaker 2: is understanding, they will try to figure out how you 482 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,800 Speaker 2: all can meet each other halfway. Right. 483 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,080 Speaker 1: And the way I like to describe it is you 484 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:38,560 Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship. 485 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:38,960 Speaker 2: Right. 486 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,520 Speaker 1: And so the thing to think about is, like we 487 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:46,160 Speaker 1: said earlier, those feelings of envy and jealousy are normal. 488 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 1: Jealousy is almost like an instinctual survival feeling that gets 489 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 1: triggered in us to let us know that something is off, 490 00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:04,440 Speaker 1: something needs to change. Right, The key is figuring out 491 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: accurately identifying what is that thing that needs to change. So, 492 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,159 Speaker 1: like you said, Okay, so I'm gonna have a conversation 493 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:17,680 Speaker 1: with my partner to let my partner know that I'm 494 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:21,320 Speaker 1: having a negative reaction, like I'm starting to feel jealous 495 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 1: of your relationship with your work wife, and let's kind 496 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: of tap into let's figure out why am I feeling jealous. 497 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,639 Speaker 1: It could be, like you said, like a survival thing 498 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,720 Speaker 1: of my instinct kicking in to let me know that 499 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:43,160 Speaker 1: there may be some boundary crossing, some inappropriate behavior going 500 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:46,520 Speaker 1: on between the two of them that needs to be addressed. 501 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 2: Right. 502 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:54,440 Speaker 1: It could be that our relationship is experiencing some issues 503 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 1: and maybe, like you said, I'm not feeling the affection 504 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 1: that I used to receive, and so that's why I'm 505 00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:08,080 Speaker 1: feeling jealous because not that he may be giving his 506 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:12,080 Speaker 1: work wife any affection, because he may be very boundary 507 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,840 Speaker 1: with her, but it may be causing him to be 508 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:21,159 Speaker 1: less affectionate with me for whatever reason. The affection is 509 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:25,720 Speaker 1: not there. The other thing is that his relationship with 510 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:29,520 Speaker 1: the work wife may be totally appropriate, but there is 511 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:35,520 Speaker 1: something about the work wife that is bringing up my insecurities. Right, 512 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,680 Speaker 1: So let's say because a common thing that can happen. 513 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,000 Speaker 2: Wait, does she got a big booty? Is that what 514 00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,120 Speaker 2: it is? 515 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 3: She not only does she have a big. 516 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:53,880 Speaker 2: Old body, but she works out and she is fit. 517 00:28:55,240 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 1: Now, you just had a baby, right, and you're happy 518 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:05,160 Speaker 1: with You are happy, Like, there's no postpartu in blues 519 00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:14,400 Speaker 1: or anything. Right, you are happy. However, how I said, However, 520 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 1: you and you're trying, you've been kind of struggling with 521 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,680 Speaker 1: getting back into working out, and you see the work. 522 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:30,200 Speaker 3: Wife and you're like, motherfucker, Like and now you're jealous. 523 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,840 Speaker 1: You're jealous, Yes, exactly right. You got both of those 524 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,880 Speaker 1: things happening, because you're like, one, she's you're envious of 525 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,400 Speaker 1: how bad she is, right, how bad her body is, 526 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,680 Speaker 1: her body is had to hurt, she's like hashtag body goals. 527 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 2: Right. 528 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,280 Speaker 1: But then you're jealous because you're like, this woman who 529 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:53,959 Speaker 1: I have some envy towards, is also spending time with 530 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:59,880 Speaker 1: my husband. Now, again, there is nothing inappropriate happening between the. 531 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 3: Two two of them. It is your own. 532 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:06,680 Speaker 1: Insecurities that is making you upset, right, And so it's 533 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:13,600 Speaker 1: about tapping into really trying to identify, accurately identified what 534 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:14,760 Speaker 1: may be going on. 535 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,200 Speaker 3: And the first thing is technowledge it. 536 00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:19,600 Speaker 1: Like we keep saying, you know, because I really want 537 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:24,120 Speaker 1: us to really understand that is that those feelings are 538 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 1: normal and real. 539 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 3: And it is okay to have those feelings. 540 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,480 Speaker 2: It's what we do with those. 541 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: Feelings that can end up being problematic. Right, So we 542 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,440 Speaker 1: step back and we're like, all right, yeah, I'm jealous 543 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:47,520 Speaker 1: of her, but I don't have to act on that, Like, 544 00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: I don't have to engage in a negative way. I 545 00:30:50,080 --> 00:30:52,080 Speaker 1: don't need to. I don't have to do anything to 546 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:58,000 Speaker 1: sabotage my relationship or his work relationship. I don't have 547 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,640 Speaker 1: to engage in any type of negative behavior. I have 548 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:03,040 Speaker 1: a conversation with my husband. 549 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:07,200 Speaker 2: There you go, right, and then getting reassurance like what 550 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:10,080 Speaker 2: reassurance do you need to make sure that your relationship 551 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:13,920 Speaker 2: is saw because jealousy the foundation is Wait a second, 552 00:31:14,240 --> 00:31:19,080 Speaker 2: there's a something is changing with my social relationship, right, 553 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:22,720 Speaker 2: And so one of the tips that we've continuously shared 554 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:25,680 Speaker 2: is recognize it, like acknowledge what's going on. I would 555 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,240 Speaker 2: say number two would be for me, like kill it 556 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 2: with kindness, and I kill them with kindness. Kill it 557 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:33,920 Speaker 2: with kindness. And I know for me, oftentimes when I 558 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 2: feel something come up or I'm like, oh damn, that 559 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,680 Speaker 2: person achieved a goal that I really want to achieve, 560 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:42,440 Speaker 2: I will show love like immediately, But I'm not with 561 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:44,880 Speaker 2: the fake love stuff, like if it's fake love, I 562 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,200 Speaker 2: just ain't gonna show no love at all. But I 563 00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:49,040 Speaker 2: really encourage myself, like, you need to compliment that person, 564 00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:50,920 Speaker 2: Like I kind of have my devil and angel on 565 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:53,160 Speaker 2: your side, and it's like mm hmm, you ain't gonna 566 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 2: not being a hater today. Go ahead and complish. Tell 567 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,280 Speaker 2: that girl she looks good, Okay, congratulate that person. And 568 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:00,720 Speaker 2: I do that because it just it does feel good 569 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:03,600 Speaker 2: when you when you give positive energy. So I do 570 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:07,840 Speaker 2: encourage myself to push past how you feel and show 571 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:10,160 Speaker 2: the love that you would want someone to show you, right, 572 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 2: because when you win, you want someone to show love. 573 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:14,200 Speaker 2: So even though I may have some feelings that I'm 574 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,959 Speaker 2: still processing and working through, I do my best to 575 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:18,880 Speaker 2: kill it with kindness and show love. 576 00:32:18,960 --> 00:32:23,360 Speaker 1: Anyway, I would say to also, in this instance, reach 577 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 1: out to a support your support system, right, because I 578 00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,680 Speaker 1: keep it because I think back to our specific example. 579 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:34,320 Speaker 1: If you are a new mom that has you, you 580 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:39,920 Speaker 1: need the support, and so those feelings like are so 581 00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:47,720 Speaker 1: real and so impactful that getting that support, like reaching 582 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,720 Speaker 1: out to like find your homegirls, find the people who 583 00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:54,160 Speaker 1: you know are going to be your cheerleaders, because this 584 00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 1: may be one of those instances where your partner doesn't 585 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:02,720 Speaker 1: really understand, right, and so and I'm speaking you know, 586 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,320 Speaker 1: I recognize that I'm speaking about this from a heterosexual 587 00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:09,920 Speaker 1: relationship perspective, but no matter what the gender dynamics are, 588 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: your partner might not have an understanding of what it 589 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:17,040 Speaker 1: is that you were going through. And so you reach 590 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,440 Speaker 1: out and you find community from people who can be supportive, 591 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,880 Speaker 1: and as always, seek a therapist. 592 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,000 Speaker 2: There you go. I would agree with that, and I 593 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,080 Speaker 2: would also say just doing a reality check as well, 594 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,240 Speaker 2: like just chatting with yourself. And I think we live 595 00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:35,440 Speaker 2: in a world that's so noisy and so busy. We 596 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,120 Speaker 2: got social media trying to get your attention. You got Netflix, 597 00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:42,560 Speaker 2: just endless shows at any time you know you want, right, 598 00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:44,480 Speaker 2: you can just tune in. But I think getting still 599 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:48,800 Speaker 2: with yourself is so key and reminding yourself that you 600 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:52,000 Speaker 2: can be happy for someone and still want something that 601 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,080 Speaker 2: they might have, but want it for yourself. 602 00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:54,280 Speaker 1: Right. 603 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:56,640 Speaker 2: So, for instance, like I was sharing earlier, I'm so 604 00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:59,040 Speaker 2: happy for the baby, he's so cute, I had so 605 00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:00,720 Speaker 2: much fun with him. At the same time, I still 606 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 2: want my baby, right likely, So it's okay to have 607 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:07,000 Speaker 2: all those feelings coexist and just being real with yourself 608 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 2: again about how you feel and what you might be 609 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,600 Speaker 2: able to do to change the circumstance. Right. 610 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:18,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you find that you're still struggling, consult 611 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: a therapists. That therapist will can help you work through 612 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:28,440 Speaker 1: all of those feelings. And sometimes we need that unbiased 613 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:32,680 Speaker 1: opinion to help us really sort through things and help 614 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:36,439 Speaker 1: us get into a good problem solving mode once we've 615 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:41,280 Speaker 1: gotten to the foundation of what the issues are. Please 616 00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:46,200 Speaker 1: note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, 617 00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:50,000 Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no 618 00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:53,440 Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal 619 00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are 620 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,160 Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care, 621 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:05,800 Speaker 1: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology Today, 622 00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:08,280 Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider. 623 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:10,600 Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep 624 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:14,000 Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and 625 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:19,160 Speaker 2: Twitter at herspace podcast, or check out our website at 626 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:23,360 Speaker 2: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat 627 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,360 Speaker 2: after me, I know that everything is working out for 628 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:29,480 Speaker 2: my good, even when things don't go as planned. 629 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,399 Speaker 3: We'll see you next week, Lady.