WEBVTT - Surthrival Mode (w/ Pervis Taylor) 0:00:01.760 --> 0:00:05.440 Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. You're listening to the 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:09.479 Vitamin D Podcast. I'm your host, Dawn Day, and I'm 0:00:09.520 --> 0:00:12.280 here to help you be your best self. For those 0:00:12.320 --> 0:00:14.400 of you who may be joining us for the first time, 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:17.040 I say welcome. I'm glad to have you on this 0:00:17.120 --> 0:00:19.919 journey of discovery with me as we shine light of 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:23.520 new ways of being and thinking. And today I've been 0:00:23.520 --> 0:00:25.960 thinking about how many of us go through life with 0:00:26.120 --> 0:00:30.760 eyes closed, not literally, but when a more ether away. 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.760 How often have you found yourself ignoring something that has 0:00:34.800 --> 0:00:38.120 been bothering you because you thought looking at it, sitting 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:40.800 in it would be a sign of weakness. I know 0:00:40.920 --> 0:00:43.640 I have. I think it's human to not want to 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:47.519 seem like you're wrong or like something's wrong. We all 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:49.840 want to be perfect at some point in our lives. 0:00:49.880 --> 0:00:52.960 But what we need to understand is that while perfection 0:00:53.080 --> 0:00:57.040 isn't possible, becoming better requires that we not ignore what's 0:00:57.080 --> 0:01:00.680 happening to and within us. That's why I'm talking to 0:01:00.760 --> 0:01:03.840 life coach and author Purvis Taylor, who was joining us 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:07.119 to talk about this new book, Sir Thrival Mode. Young 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:10.400 men across America are going through a crisis and have 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:15.560 been for decades, The tendrils of toxic masculinity have wrapped 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:19.680 themselves around millions and millions of young men, poisoning their 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:23.120 relationships with themselves and those who they love. By learning 0:01:23.120 --> 0:01:26.399 to take responsibility for their situation, through what he calls 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:30.440 the four a's of surt thrival, Purvious believes that young 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:33.920 men can find a better, healthier, and more satisfying vision 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:38.119 of manhood. In this episode, we talk about overcoming shame, 0:01:38.480 --> 0:01:41.679 effective communication, and how you can use the four a's 0:01:41.720 --> 0:01:45.479 of the thrival in your everyday life. So, without further ado, 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:50.280 it's time for your dose of vitamin dain. D right 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:58.360 with me and get excited about your lives. Hello, can 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:00.280 you hear me? I can hear you. Can you hear me? 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:04.640 I hear you perfectly. You can see me? Yes, I 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:10.200 can see you. Howard ate you? Okay? Mom? Vida No, 0:02:10.760 --> 0:02:12.720 I have a ton of friends that went to Howard, 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:16.160 so okay, so you know the love is there. Yes, 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:21.079 I'm just trying to understand how come you didn't make 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:25.200 the decision to go to Howard Purvis. Well, you know 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:28.079 what happened was I ended up getting a full scholarship 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:31.680 to University of Miami, and at the time Will Smith 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:34.400 had that song out Miami, and that was like the 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.080 deciding fact that I was like, I gotta go to 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:44.920 bake going to Miami, Iami. I was trying to figure up. 0:02:47.280 --> 0:02:50.160 I was like, mommyyam, it isn't that crazy. And sometimes 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:51.760 you'll hear a song and then you find out like 0:02:51.919 --> 0:02:54.760 years later, sometime a decade, like dag I messed up 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:58.880 up a while ago. Yo. It happens to me all 0:02:58.880 --> 0:03:06.840 the time, especially listening to Tony Brexton songs. You cannot 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:12.480 make sense with the song God. Purvis Taylor is here 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:16.720 on the Vitamin D podcast. Oh, good afternoon, good evening, 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:20.880 Good morning, wherever you are, how you doing. You know, 0:03:20.919 --> 0:03:25.040 I'm amazing energy. Shout out to you, Thank you, I'm 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:29.320 a reflection to you. I'm so excited about this conversation. 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:34.880 Same here, same here, um and just reading over you know, 0:03:34.960 --> 0:03:37.680 your author of an amazing I mean, I don't know 0:03:37.720 --> 0:03:39.960 if it's appropriate to call it a self help book, 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:45.360 a self help guide or just a transparency I don't 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:49.520 know what, but it's called sur thrival molde yes, and 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.920 you're making me feel all woman side because when you know, 0:03:52.920 --> 0:03:55.680 when you have people in your presence that shed a 0:03:55.800 --> 0:03:58.720 light on a situation where we're so used to me 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:02.040 in in the dark about that affects the unit and 0:04:02.080 --> 0:04:05.480 the foundation of the development of a human being, that 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:09.360 is going to ripple down to affect someone else's. Okay, 0:04:09.600 --> 0:04:13.000 that's something that's something that to get excited about. Well, 0:04:13.040 --> 0:04:16.480 thank you, thank you. Yeah. No, I I am so 0:04:16.960 --> 0:04:20.839 honored and humbled that people are responding to Survival Mode 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:23.280 with the intent in which I wrote it, you know 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:26.400 what I mean, and that it's really transforming the lives 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:28.960 of men. And you know, so many men are now 0:04:29.320 --> 0:04:31.320 who reach out to me who I don't know. They're like, Pervise, 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:34.680 I'm in therapy now because of this book, or I've 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:37.640 apologized to my my baby's mother because of his book. 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:41.200 So it's it's really like I can't even put into 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:44.320 words how much how grateful I am that that people 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:48.000 are really responding to it. Well, I'm sure that whoever 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:50.520 is sitting here and their listen, I was like, well, 0:04:50.520 --> 0:04:53.880 what is the response about. Come on, tell us about 0:04:53.920 --> 0:04:57.240 you and and tell us about your book, sir, Thrival Mode. 0:04:57.760 --> 0:05:00.440 So about me? I am My name is per Sailor 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:03.359 the third I am an award winning celebrity life coach 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:07.400 speaker and author of the book Survival Mode. Um. I've 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:11.880 been allowed life coach for ten years. I love what 0:05:11.960 --> 0:05:14.000 I do. I love helping people to get to a 0:05:14.279 --> 0:05:17.920 space of thriving and homeless. UM. My books to Thrival 0:05:17.960 --> 0:05:21.599 Mode is written specifically for men of color, but it 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:26.320 applies to everyone. It's a book that so so looking backtrack, 0:05:26.640 --> 0:05:29.680 so with trauma in life, we tend to do two things. 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:33.320 We either build a house and reside at it, or 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:35.680 we build a bridge to help us take us to 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:37.480 the next place that we need to go to in life. 0:05:38.000 --> 0:05:41.040 And what I wanted to do was create something that 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:43.279 was gonna build a bridge for men who I knew 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:45.880 were struggling with the traumas, who I knew was struggling 0:05:45.880 --> 0:05:49.200 with their emotions and mental health. Um. And so the 0:05:49.240 --> 0:05:52.200 book is that so until I call this Thrival, So 0:05:52.200 --> 0:05:54.920 I'm taking you from surviving to thriving and the book 0:05:55.000 --> 0:05:58.000 being the bridge. So the book is, it's it's very 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:00.240 it's a it's a quick read, as you know, it's 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:04.880 quick read, and um, it's really steeped and transparency about 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:08.080 my narrative and the narratives of men that I've actually 0:06:08.120 --> 0:06:11.159 had the privilege of walking through the process of surviving 0:06:11.200 --> 0:06:13.720 mode and getting them towards a place of homeless. So 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:17.560 it's really about helping men to um find language, to 0:06:17.760 --> 0:06:22.400 process their emotions, to really deal with their mental issues 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:26.760 and empowerment as such. And so when you're speaking about 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.760 these young men and who's ever listening, what are they 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:33.560 start thriving through? Man, there's so many things. So for me, 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:38.159 I sur thrived through molestation, having a father died of 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:43.000 a heroin overdose, UM, being homeless, being emasculated and bullied, 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:46.240 so many things in my life. UM. For some of 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:48.200 the men in the book, it was the loss of 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:53.160 a parent, UM, loss of a mother or father, fatherlessness, 0:06:53.320 --> 0:06:57.400 or just low self esteem or just just whatever. Just 0:06:57.760 --> 0:07:00.320 you know, it's human beings. Men were human beans, and 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:02.360 I think sometimes black men were human beings that they 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:05.400 sometimes people forget that. And so just whatever is trancing 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:08.600 the trauma that human beings experienced Black men and are experienced. 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.080 And so it's those things that they're since I'm driving 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:13.560 through and I like how you said that, because you know, 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:17.040 just growing up in an African American household, and you know, 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:20.120 one if there's not one disparity of a man not 0:07:20.200 --> 0:07:23.040 being there, and then like you said, a man not 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:25.800 able to be a human a feelings having to take 0:07:25.840 --> 0:07:29.160 care of everything. You cannot express emotion because it's weak. 0:07:29.440 --> 0:07:32.160 And then also this whole thing that there's a sense 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:35.000 of shame and and whether like how you said, whether 0:07:35.040 --> 0:07:37.120 it's the death of a prayer, whether there's somebody that 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.640 is homeless, whether it's molestation, whether it's hoarding, it's a 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:45.040 thing where we don't let other people in our home. Yeah, 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:47.720 and I thought it was so magical, And before I 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:50.520 jumped too far ahead, what I love about this book 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:55.120 is that we're talking about wounds that took place right 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.400 and in order for wound to heal, you have to 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:04.600 air it out. Yeah. Yeah, And I think that's that's 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:07.440 really the most powerful part of it. You know, I 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:10.000 always say to my clients, and only what you confessed 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:12.600 can be healed. And and so one of the things 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:14.960 the reason why I sharp my narrative is because I 0:08:15.000 --> 0:08:17.640 wanted brothers to know that they're not alone, and that 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:21.120 I'm not better than them. I'm not I haven't arrived. 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:23.280 I just may have a little bit more tools in 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.000 my tool box than they do, and I want them 0:08:25.040 --> 0:08:26.640 to have the tools, the tools that I have in 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:29.800 my toolbox. So it's really and and really teaching them, 0:08:29.840 --> 0:08:31.320 you know, I say in the book, so I have 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:34.360 four a's, the four a's of start mode, and they 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:38.760 are acknowledgement, acceptance, articulation in alchemy and what you're talking 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:42.160 about the airing out part, that's the acknowledgement. And you know, 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:45.600 I always say that Alcoholics Anonymous is so successful because 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:48.560 every single meeting that they have, they say, my name 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:51.640 is pervious and I'm an alcoholic. So there's a power 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:54.800 in airing out. There's a power in addressing, There's a 0:08:54.840 --> 0:08:58.200 power in acknowledgement, and that's the beginning of any breakthrough. 0:08:58.520 --> 0:09:01.520 M and so interesting, look, wait, why am I getting 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:04.920 so exact? Let me calm down. I'm about to jump 0:09:04.960 --> 0:09:08.720 through this screet And the thing that's so interesting, and 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:10.800 I think that when we talk about the healing process 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:12.800 and like you said, um, hearing it out, is that 0:09:13.000 --> 0:09:15.240 for that breakthrough, sometimes you gotta break in order to 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:18.000 get through. And that means sometimes you gotta go through 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:22.800 those pieces to put together your picture. You're mosaic where 0:09:22.800 --> 0:09:26.080 its uniquely uh filled with so many colors that isn't 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:28.920 depicted on what your view is. So as we talked 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.719 about one of the first days and we talked about acknowledgement, 0:09:32.320 --> 0:09:36.360 tell me what life was like growing up for you, man, 0:09:37.280 --> 0:09:39.800 I always say I had like this interesting dichotomy because 0:09:39.840 --> 0:09:42.920 I had like parents that were so supportive and and 0:09:42.920 --> 0:09:45.400 and really you know, empowered me every day and told 0:09:45.400 --> 0:09:47.079 me that I was amazing and I was there for 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:51.800 a great things. You were right. However, you know at school, 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:54.240 you know, I was called punk, fag and c see. 0:09:54.640 --> 0:09:56.760 I was called all types of names. I was a nastallated. 0:09:56.800 --> 0:09:58.720 I was told that, you know, women would never find 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.800 me attractive or or you know, I was just it 0:10:01.920 --> 0:10:05.520 was just interesting. And so my trauma response to everything 0:10:05.600 --> 0:10:09.000 was that I achieved so like I made straight a's, 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:11.640 I was in the honors and gifted program. But inside 0:10:12.000 --> 0:10:16.240 I literally cry every night thinking about all the things 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:19.160 that people will say about me and questioning if it 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:23.120 was true or not. UM. It also been added the 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:26.840 layer of being actually molested in feeling like your manhood 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:29.640 is taken from me and feeling emasculated in that way 0:10:30.120 --> 0:10:33.240 UM and really not really having an outlet to talk 0:10:33.280 --> 0:10:35.920 about it. It was definitely stifling, and I and I 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:38.280 look best. Sometimes I wonder like, how did I make 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:41.080 it through that? Because I didn't have anybody who who 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:44.440 I felt safe around to really just even share about 0:10:44.480 --> 0:10:47.800 it because people couldn't identify. And I think it's interesting 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:50.760 that you say that, because it's one of those things 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:54.640 where people don't talk about and it's like it's it's 0:10:54.760 --> 0:11:00.439 in the room clearly. Just like anything in a try, 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:02.640 you start to surround yourself and it's thinking about the 0:11:02.640 --> 0:11:05.800 healing process. So who molested you? And what was that? 0:11:06.559 --> 0:11:09.760 How old were you when this process began? I was 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:13.560 seven and it was a friend of the family and 0:11:13.640 --> 0:11:17.200 it was in the qualified. Wasn't a continual thing, it 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:18.960 was it was a one time thing. But it was 0:11:19.120 --> 0:11:24.520 one time. Was all this to throw you off? Um? 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:26.520 But yeah, no, I was. I was seven years old. 0:11:26.600 --> 0:11:29.680 And then I think the added layer of people calling 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:34.160 the names kind of exacerbated it. That carried with me 0:11:34.160 --> 0:11:37.320 through high school. Did you tell your family about this? Like? 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:39.600 What was that? Like? Like this happened? How did you 0:11:39.679 --> 0:11:42.240 know that it was wrong? I knew when it was 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:46.120 happening that it was wrong, but um, I didn't say 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.959 anything till to my father died, like I had suppressed 0:11:48.960 --> 0:11:52.600 that um when I srew me forward. So my father died, 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:55.760 that's when I remembered everything that was happening. So I 0:11:55.800 --> 0:11:58.000 was an adult at that time, so I wanted to 0:11:58.000 --> 0:12:01.120 make sure that I worked through it before I told 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:06.160 my family what was happening, what it happened, whatever happened. 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:09.440 I think it's interesting that sometimes man and I feel 0:12:09.440 --> 0:12:12.400 like that or even women are fine. Shame when they 0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:16.080 are victim to sexual molestation is that you start to 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:19.319 question who you are and whom you're attracted to mm 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:23.320 hmm in the course of that. Because again, this conversation 0:12:23.520 --> 0:12:26.360 is more so to talk to anybody who is feeling this, 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:29.520 like there's ways and I feel like even this year, 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:32.120 I don't think it's by mistake that your book is 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:35.480 about this and just just things that are circulating, how 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:39.320 you know, and it's getting the vision and saying what 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.000 it is and what it's not. And I didn't say 0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:45.040 this before, but one thing about vitamin D it's all 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:48.760 about shedding like that energy that you felt, I want 0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:51.200 that exude and I gotta understand that even in my healing, 0:12:51.240 --> 0:12:53.760 So in this whole process, wish you in a light 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:56.240 on the good, the bad, and different. It's gonna be uncomfortable. 0:12:56.280 --> 0:12:59.280 I know I've put myself into that. So I wonder 0:12:59.440 --> 0:13:02.360 was there ever a situation where after you got to 0:13:02.400 --> 0:13:05.240 the process that you acknowledged and and um now the 0:13:05.280 --> 0:13:08.320 process and when your father passed away, that's another ay. 0:13:08.360 --> 0:13:10.480 I don't know if that moost articulation. But what I'm 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:14.640 wondering is is that what was the impact that it 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:17.720 had on you about whether or not it was questioning 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:21.040 who you were? Did you find yourself attracted to man? 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:23.719 Did you feel dirty when a man was around you? 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:28.240 Were there uncomfortable situations in the locker room? Yeah? That 0:13:28.320 --> 0:13:30.480 we was definitely all of all of those things, and 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:34.000 you definitely look at yourself and you're like, I think 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:37.400 one of the things I've come to understand. It's like today, 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:40.600 at four years old, I understand that if a woman 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:43.440 finds you attractive, she finds a man attractive, there's there's 0:13:43.440 --> 0:13:45.640 gonna be men to find that same man attractive, right, 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:49.920 So I understand that now. Back then, at four I 0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:52.320 did not understand that, And there were definitely situations in 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:55.280 locker rooms where you'd be like, oh, what has happened, 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:57.400 I gotta leave, you know what I mean? Like and 0:13:57.440 --> 0:13:59.800 you could sense that some stuff was about to go 0:13:59.880 --> 0:14:02.439 the um um, I definitely. I don't know if I 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:05.480 necessarily say that there was like a full on attraction 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:07.480 to me, but I the thing that I would say 0:14:07.480 --> 0:14:11.000 that I was attracted to was the seeming confidence and 0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:15.120 surety of who they were and and and the power 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:19.240 of that masculinity which they rested it. That was what 0:14:19.320 --> 0:14:23.040 I was attracted to. More so that I guess, um, 0:14:23.160 --> 0:14:26.240 I'm gonna be with this guy if I never felt that, 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:30.080 But I definitely felt this like they had something that 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:33.640 I didn't have, if that makes sense from my knowing, 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:37.600 And that's why I said this conversation from my knowing 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:39.560 of who I am done to this age, because like 0:14:39.560 --> 0:14:43.160 you said, sometimes we can bury things. From my knowing, 0:14:43.440 --> 0:14:47.160 I've never been sexually molested, but like my sister has 0:14:47.240 --> 0:14:49.440 worked in this field for so many years, and she 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:52.880 talks about how you know, you can bury certain traumas 0:14:53.600 --> 0:14:55.800 and how things can trigger things that you don't know 0:14:55.840 --> 0:14:58.480 why you're acting, you're doing what it is that you're doing. 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:01.880 And so I if somebody had a talked about it, 0:15:01.920 --> 0:15:05.000 whether just you know, sweeping under rug like in which 0:15:05.040 --> 0:15:08.080 you discussed or something that you looked as a shame. 0:15:08.120 --> 0:15:11.440 It's say, wait, you're a child one. Why are you 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:15.360 having these conversations too? Why are you feeling these things? 0:15:16.000 --> 0:15:20.240 Not maybe in some instances where it's wrong, But the 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:22.800 more important question I always wonder is why. And so 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:25.520 when you say, like, hey, they had something that you 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:29.680 did not have. Well, in my ignorant opinion, and I 0:15:29.800 --> 0:15:32.080 use that lack of knowledge, I would think so because 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:35.080 something was taken from you, right. And then also on 0:15:35.080 --> 0:15:39.160 the other side, not necessarily, you know, I mean like 0:15:40.120 --> 0:15:43.400 I had some things. I recognize this, and I say 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:45.360 this to all my clients, said, no, one is more 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:48.560 ill equipped, which is more ill informed? I just wasn't 0:15:48.560 --> 0:15:51.160 informed the work of the things that I have inside 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:55.720 of me. Like I have the gift of transparency. I 0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:57.880 have the gift of being resived. I had the gift 0:15:57.920 --> 0:16:01.320 of being vulnerable. I had the gift of being comfortable 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:03.440 in my skin no matter what you think about me, 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:05.600 you know what I mean, Like, those are the things 0:16:05.600 --> 0:16:07.960 that I that I possessed during that time, but I 0:16:07.960 --> 0:16:10.320 didn't know that I had it, And it was through 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:13.840 the process of me going through those stages of the 0:16:13.960 --> 0:16:18.920 thriving mode unconsciously but consciously and recognizing that I did 0:16:19.000 --> 0:16:21.320 have it. And I think, like how you said, it's 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:24.400 like sometimes you're in the room, you don't even know 0:16:24.440 --> 0:16:27.640 that the lights are off until they're on, and you 0:16:27.680 --> 0:16:29.880 can't tell me that I'm not saying because I'm telling 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:32.120 you what I can see. And so that's what I 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:33.960 want us to do with the thrive the mall today. 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:36.880 I need to flick the switch. I had some people. 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:39.880 I made an announcement on my weekend segment on the 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.760 Steve Harvey Morning Show, and people were coming in the 0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:45.360 dam like, oh, what's this book about? And I'm like, 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:48.200 you're gonna have to tune in. They don't have to 0:16:48.200 --> 0:16:51.160 tune in. So, as we're talking about you got to 0:16:51.200 --> 0:16:54.040 the place of acknowledgement, let's just dive in a little 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:57.920 bit more about the importance of the four a's and 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:01.840 and and what that process. It looks like, as you know, 0:17:01.920 --> 0:17:03.800 the beginning of a problem, that statement that there is 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:07.240 a problem. So that's the acknowledgement, right, that's just saying 0:17:07.280 --> 0:17:10.520 like okay, even if it's not verbal, but it's something 0:17:10.560 --> 0:17:12.719 inside of you saying like you know what, there's something 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.720 that happened, is there's something not working or there's something 0:17:15.760 --> 0:17:18.040 that I need to address, right, So that's the beginning 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:22.760 of it, right then the acceptance and can you can 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:25.520 you relate this to your life? So for me, it 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:31.240 was like when Daddy passed, it was I acknowledged that 0:17:31.280 --> 0:17:33.760 there were some things that I hadn't addressed and that 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:36.440 I kind of have held hostage for a long time 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:39.040 because at that time I was working at Death Jam, 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:41.320 I was signed with Wilhelmina Models, and I was just 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:44.560 focused on succeeding, right because I feel like success we 0:17:44.720 --> 0:17:47.800 get rid of all those things that I'm holding hostage, right. Um. 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:51.800 But when he passed away, so suddenly I started to 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:54.800 acknowledge that there was some brokenness inside of me, Like 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:56.800 I don't know what this is specifically, but there are 0:17:56.840 --> 0:17:59.320 some things that are not that are not happy, that 0:17:59.359 --> 0:18:02.119 are not working. What was happening when you're not showing 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:06.320 up with your friends? Were you crying? Like you know what? 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:09.240 I had a breakdown, a nervous breakdown on the train 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:13.280 in New York City. I literally um came back from 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:15.359 his train because I didn't cry, and I told my 0:18:15.400 --> 0:18:19.160 family not to cry. And I literally was riding home 0:18:19.160 --> 0:18:21.240 on the train and listened to my this man, that's 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:25.040 something in dating myself, like this man. And I think 0:18:25.080 --> 0:18:26.840 I was listening to a song by TLC and I 0:18:26.920 --> 0:18:28.640 think it was a song that they did that they 0:18:28.680 --> 0:18:31.720 did for Left Eye, and it was just one line 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.760 in the song, and I really just started crying and 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:38.600 I fell on the dirty train floor and I lost it. 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:41.640 And that was the person in my life I've ever 0:18:41.680 --> 0:18:43.600 had a breakdown, the only time I when we had 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:47.240 a breakdown like that. And that's why I was like, Okay, 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:50.320 even though I hadn't been you know, I hadn't gotten 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:52.400 a clinical degree that I have now, but I knew 0:18:52.440 --> 0:18:54.960 at that moment, okay, this is the beginning of something 0:18:55.480 --> 0:18:58.760 and so and so once I started so once I 0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:01.119 experienced that break out, I said, okay, I need to 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:03.320 really sit with myself and explore, like what is going on. 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:06.800 So I started to remember that, you know, people used 0:19:06.800 --> 0:19:08.920 to make fun of you. I used to remember that 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:13.359 um that you know, that person molested me. I remembered 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:16.879 feeling inadequate. I remember sitting in my cause and crying. 0:19:17.119 --> 0:19:20.399 I remember thinking about stools. I remember all of those 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:24.720 things and so like that was the acknowledgement for me. 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:28.879 Then after I started to acknowledge it, I recognized I 0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:32.320 read this book by Beth Moore and it's called Get 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:35.840 out of That Pit, and that that book was so 0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:39.480 trans transformation, as well as this book by Dr Harry 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:42.520 Cloud and John Townsend. It's called How People Broke And 0:19:42.520 --> 0:19:44.879 one of the the things they talked about was, you know 0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:47.879 what I developed to be only what you confessed to 0:19:47.960 --> 0:19:52.080 be here. And so after I went to that, after 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:54.520 I acknowledge, I went to this place of acceptance, which 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:57.760 was really really hard for me because acceptance almost in 0:19:57.800 --> 0:20:01.119 some ways can feel like you're condoning what happened. But 0:20:01.240 --> 0:20:04.479 none at all. Uh No, I said, oh, because I'm like, 0:20:04.520 --> 0:20:10.360 tell me more, like we gotta go underlying. So acceptance 0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:12.800 can feel like you're condoning, but it's no, it's just 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:16.560 saying that you're receiving that it happened. The last stage 0:20:16.600 --> 0:20:21.400 of grief is acceptance. Right, this person is gone, this 0:20:21.440 --> 0:20:25.320 thing happened. I have to accept this. I have to 0:20:25.359 --> 0:20:27.840 receive that this happened. I didn't want it to happen. 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:31.400 I don't agree with it, but it happened, and and 0:20:31.480 --> 0:20:34.240 that space is so powerful and I think so many 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.480 of us feel like that's a place of weakness, but 0:20:36.480 --> 0:20:40.280 it's a place of power. So for me, I had 0:20:40.320 --> 0:20:42.520 to accept that my daddy got over HEROD and those 0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:45.959 which I was completely embarrassed about, ashamed about. I had 0:20:46.000 --> 0:20:48.879 to accept that. You know that I was struggling with 0:20:48.920 --> 0:20:53.879 my identity at the time, identity as and just in 0:20:53.920 --> 0:21:00.280 every aspect man, sexuality, every everything, everything everything at that time, 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:03.399 like I just didn't know who I was. Um I 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:08.200 had to accept um, you know, like just everything in 0:21:08.320 --> 0:21:09.879 my career wasn't going to where I wanted to go, 0:21:10.000 --> 0:21:12.000 like it just everything in my life just was not 0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:13.879 what I wanted it to be at that time. So 0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:16.200 I had to accept that. And that was and that 0:21:16.280 --> 0:21:18.520 took me a long time ago. But once I did 0:21:18.560 --> 0:21:21.440 it and got me to a place of of clarity, 0:21:21.560 --> 0:21:23.959 and it got me to the place of articulation, right, 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:26.639 I was able to identify those books I talked about, 0:21:26.880 --> 0:21:29.240 they said, you gotta have a safe space. So I 0:21:29.280 --> 0:21:32.399 think to buy one person who I felt could be 0:21:32.400 --> 0:21:35.120 a safe space. And his name is Kim And he 0:21:35.240 --> 0:21:37.680 went to my Bible study and I remember just telling 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:40.280 a kid everything how old are you? What's from the 0:21:40.320 --> 0:21:45.719 point of your father? So this is like so right 0:21:45.800 --> 0:21:49.959 after like a couple of months or whatever. Yeah, so 0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:52.960 I you know, I'm articulating. So I'm expressing with kim like. 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:56.119 And I've always been a good communicator. I've always been 0:21:56.119 --> 0:21:58.320 able to verbalize Williams of experience. And that's the one 0:21:58.320 --> 0:22:00.240 thing I do want to circle back. And my father 0:22:00.359 --> 0:22:02.600 and mother allowed me to do. They did allow me 0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:05.600 to he mote. They kept it to a minimum, but 0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:08.560 they did allow me to express what I was feeling. 0:22:08.600 --> 0:22:13.760 So shout out to purpose to Jackie got rested so um, 0:22:13.800 --> 0:22:16.080 so I was able to articulate what it is that 0:22:16.160 --> 0:22:19.480 I was experiencing, what it happened, everything that happened. And 0:22:19.600 --> 0:22:23.600 once once that happened, I thought this freedom lifted off 0:22:23.640 --> 0:22:28.400 on me. I felt this freedom lifted off me and 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:32.080 and I remember being at a Biber study one day 0:22:32.119 --> 0:22:35.240 and Chris Burge, who was the Bible story teacher, said 0:22:35.760 --> 0:22:38.480 he said, life happens to you, but life happens from you. 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:44.560 Life happens to you, but life happens from you. And 0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:47.800 when he said that, what I had like that because 0:22:48.000 --> 0:22:50.560 I was focusing on what was happening to me? And 0:22:50.600 --> 0:22:54.679 now what was happening from me? Right? So I recognized 0:22:54.720 --> 0:22:58.360 that I had something that could happen from me, which 0:22:58.440 --> 0:23:01.000 leads to the stage of I don't think right, which 0:23:01.080 --> 0:23:04.119 leads to the space of purpose. You were emasculated for 0:23:04.280 --> 0:23:08.320 most of your life. Now you empower men in their masterlinity. 0:23:08.640 --> 0:23:12.600 How the hell did that happen? You know what I mean? 0:23:13.040 --> 0:23:16.960 How do you transform all of that pain, all of 0:23:17.000 --> 0:23:19.520 that stuff that you've experienced in your life? How did 0:23:19.520 --> 0:23:23.800 you make it become something greater than what you experience? 0:23:25.400 --> 0:23:29.160 And so that's that's it, in the space of surprivamore. 0:23:29.359 --> 0:23:31.040 And I was just and I see people and I'm 0:23:31.080 --> 0:23:34.440 so obsessed with people optimizing their pain. I just got 0:23:34.440 --> 0:23:37.200 the reading Mariah Carey's memoir and how all of her 0:23:37.240 --> 0:23:40.120 songs are about the trauma of her childhood. And now she's, 0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:42.439 you know, one of the most successful artists of history. 0:23:42.640 --> 0:23:45.280 She transformed that and wait and then if you think 0:23:45.320 --> 0:23:49.000 about it, her whole um her I want to say, 0:23:49.119 --> 0:23:52.760 image icon is all about being a butterslide and that 0:23:52.840 --> 0:23:57.040 whole transformation aspect and being uncomfortable because you're breaking through 0:23:57.080 --> 0:24:01.800 that pain and in thriving in your eyes. I'm listening. Yeah, 0:24:01.840 --> 0:24:03.800 so it so it's all of that. So for me, 0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:07.520 the alchemy part is my favorite part of it because 0:24:07.520 --> 0:24:10.199 it's like, you know, alchemy is really turning you know, 0:24:10.320 --> 0:24:13.400 lead into gold. You know, the first miracle that Jesus 0:24:13.440 --> 0:24:15.919 did in the Bible was turning that water into wine, 0:24:16.320 --> 0:24:19.080 and so like, how did I It's about transforming the 0:24:19.119 --> 0:24:21.639 water into a sweet wine. And so one of the 0:24:21.680 --> 0:24:23.920 things I had to do in that process of alchemy 0:24:24.240 --> 0:24:27.520 is forgive. I had to um, I had to have 0:24:27.560 --> 0:24:29.760 a vision for myself. I had to believe that I 0:24:29.880 --> 0:24:32.520 was worthy. I had like that space of alchemy is 0:24:32.560 --> 0:24:36.840 comprising all those things, believing, um, receiving, surrendering, and I 0:24:36.880 --> 0:24:38.200 talked about that a lot in the book. We have 0:24:38.320 --> 0:24:40.639 to surrender. We surrended to the negative every day, but 0:24:40.720 --> 0:24:43.520 we don't surrender to the positive. If we're surrendering to 0:24:43.640 --> 0:24:45.960 the fact that these things happen to us, why can't 0:24:45.960 --> 0:24:47.640 we surrend it to the fact that God already made 0:24:47.640 --> 0:24:50.399 away for us. Why can't we surrender to the positive 0:24:50.520 --> 0:24:52.760 of of who we are. I had to dig and 0:24:52.880 --> 0:24:57.320 find the great things about me about purpose, because now 0:24:57.520 --> 0:24:59.760 purpose today I can walk in the room. You can't 0:24:59.760 --> 0:25:03.800 tell nothing. You understand what I'm saying. But I had 0:25:03.920 --> 0:25:07.879 that's because I really dug deep within myself and I 0:25:07.920 --> 0:25:10.520 had to find those nuggets. I had to find those 0:25:10.520 --> 0:25:13.080 treasures that everybody has within them, right. No one is 0:25:13.080 --> 0:25:15.720 more ill equipped, just more elmform. So I had to 0:25:15.800 --> 0:25:18.320 find all that stuff inside of me. And then I 0:25:18.320 --> 0:25:20.960 started to say, you know what, if I'm hurting, I 0:25:21.000 --> 0:25:23.000 don't want to see another young man hurt. I don't 0:25:23.000 --> 0:25:25.359 want to see another man hurt. And so that was 0:25:26.040 --> 0:25:28.000 the beginning of it. I don't want to see I 0:25:28.000 --> 0:25:31.200 don't want another young man, or another man for that matter, 0:25:31.240 --> 0:25:34.480 to go through what I want through, or another human being. 0:25:34.480 --> 0:25:37.320 I want to help people to find their greatness, right, 0:25:37.359 --> 0:25:39.480 and so like that's how I became a life coach 0:25:39.760 --> 0:25:41.840 because I wanted to see people thrive. I wanted to 0:25:41.840 --> 0:25:44.680 see people be home. I I always do this exercise. 0:25:44.720 --> 0:25:46.640 I asked people, I said, if you could have if 0:25:46.640 --> 0:25:49.400 you were superhoro you had a superpower, what would it be? 0:25:49.720 --> 0:25:52.280 And my answer is always if I could touch you 0:25:52.440 --> 0:25:55.040 to see how amazing you are, so that you can 0:25:55.080 --> 0:25:57.280 see how amazing you are, that would be my superpower. 0:25:57.800 --> 0:26:01.400 And so that was being really definitely like a gift 0:26:01.440 --> 0:26:03.399 that keeps on giving. And as you're talking about the 0:26:03.440 --> 0:26:05.919 life coach, it goes back to the whole idea of 0:26:05.960 --> 0:26:08.720 when you're talking about toolboxes, right, and you gotta have 0:26:08.760 --> 0:26:11.240 your tools and pulling them out. Well, I think one 0:26:11.240 --> 0:26:13.359 of the key tools, and like you're saying, is finding 0:26:13.400 --> 0:26:16.000 that safe space, finding somebody you can talk to. But 0:26:16.040 --> 0:26:19.360 when you look in the culture, whether it be primarily 0:26:19.400 --> 0:26:23.000 African American or is men in general, it's taboo to 0:26:23.080 --> 0:26:27.640 even address that something maybe quote unquote wrong upstairs, or 0:26:27.800 --> 0:26:30.040 your mental health is to question, or the fact that 0:26:30.080 --> 0:26:32.800 you want to go to therapy. Why is that taboo? 0:26:33.160 --> 0:26:35.240 Why is this so bad? If you're sick, you're gonna 0:26:35.280 --> 0:26:37.520 go to the doctor. If you broke a bone, you're 0:26:37.560 --> 0:26:40.200 gonna have um, you're gonna get a cast. So if 0:26:40.320 --> 0:26:44.840 things aren't wiring and adding up, why are we talking 0:26:44.880 --> 0:26:47.800 about it? We know you know what it is. I 0:26:47.880 --> 0:26:49.800 think for a lot of us, we've never seen wholeness 0:26:50.160 --> 0:26:53.360 in our communities. We've never seen a whole person. We've 0:26:53.400 --> 0:26:58.679 never seen somebody thrive emotionally and mentally as well as financially. Right, 0:26:58.720 --> 0:27:01.040 you've seen the financial aspect, but we haven't seen the 0:27:01.600 --> 0:27:04.280 human being aspect. I'm not saying that that doesn't exist, 0:27:04.320 --> 0:27:06.479 but I think I think the challenge of that is 0:27:06.480 --> 0:27:09.159 is that for us, I think to your point that 0:27:09.160 --> 0:27:14.040 you so eloquently stated, we equate mental health with brokenness 0:27:14.119 --> 0:27:17.959 or something's wrong as opposed to wellness and maintenance. And 0:27:18.000 --> 0:27:20.680 I think that's that's the fine line. Like that, No, 0:27:20.800 --> 0:27:22.679 it's it's about meat. That you go to the doctor 0:27:22.720 --> 0:27:25.080 for a checkup, you go get your car for a 0:27:25.240 --> 0:27:27.400 tune up. Why are you not doing the same thing 0:27:27.560 --> 0:27:31.800 for your mental right? And that's mental health is everything. 0:27:32.200 --> 0:27:35.680 If I've coached people, I've only celebrities who have had 0:27:35.800 --> 0:27:39.199 millions of dollars right and they've said to me, purpose 0:27:39.280 --> 0:27:40.919 I would give you all the money, I have to 0:27:40.960 --> 0:27:43.480 have the piece that you have right now. So the 0:27:43.560 --> 0:27:46.879 point and so the money ain't ain't it. It's the 0:27:46.960 --> 0:27:51.160 peace and the self reconciliation. It's the self grace that's 0:27:51.240 --> 0:27:54.600 really what it's about. And so like I think for us, 0:27:54.640 --> 0:27:56.800 we need to have an understanding that it's not just 0:27:56.840 --> 0:27:59.280 about getting the bag, it's about getting piece. It's about 0:27:59.680 --> 0:28:03.280 rec and siling issues and accepting and letting going and forgiving, 0:28:03.760 --> 0:28:07.600 and and and and and being a vessel to help 0:28:07.600 --> 0:28:12.040 others change. That's what us me. Yes, come on and 0:28:12.200 --> 0:28:15.400 understanding if you're so purposed, just as if I think 0:28:15.480 --> 0:28:18.240 one of the principles when you talk about being a vessel. 0:28:19.040 --> 0:28:26.520 One of my favorite flowers are sunflower and yes, sorry okay, 0:28:26.680 --> 0:28:29.119 And you know you notice they're so purpose like. One 0:28:29.119 --> 0:28:31.680 of the things they're known for us to help fertilizing 0:28:31.720 --> 0:28:35.080 something else. And we talk about life coming from us 0:28:35.119 --> 0:28:39.160 and whichever form it is to reproduce, whether that be joy, 0:28:39.240 --> 0:28:41.880 whether that be a life, whether that be a creation 0:28:41.960 --> 0:28:45.240 of a building, whether that's to exercise the peaceful guess what. 0:28:45.600 --> 0:28:48.880 The machine has to be working properly. And I think 0:28:48.920 --> 0:28:52.280 oftentimes we forget to do like you said, that tune 0:28:52.320 --> 0:28:55.200 in and that check in with the machine. But then 0:28:55.240 --> 0:28:59.240 here's another thing that we're looking at in a society today. Well, 0:28:59.320 --> 0:29:04.440 everything is about the perception. It's about the look. Where 0:29:04.520 --> 0:29:07.800 is their room to breathe? And even in your book 0:29:07.920 --> 0:29:10.280 and you spoke about this, you talked about a friend 0:29:10.760 --> 0:29:13.400 who you know um on social media. They live in 0:29:13.400 --> 0:29:16.840 a life turned up or bon or get it out, 0:29:17.400 --> 0:29:21.479 but sacredly inside like you said was broken. Tell us 0:29:21.480 --> 0:29:24.240 a little bit about that story and how that plays 0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:28.480 in society of this deception while we build up Well 0:29:28.600 --> 0:29:31.840 that's you know, we can talk about that all day. 0:29:32.160 --> 0:29:35.840 But this particular friend, Um, he was married at the time, 0:29:36.360 --> 0:29:38.800 and he and his wife would always putt these pictures. 0:29:38.840 --> 0:29:40.960 They were always like, yo, I love my wife, I 0:29:41.000 --> 0:29:44.880 love my baby. When vibe here here, there, there there, 0:29:45.680 --> 0:29:48.800 and be like you perish, like I can't do it, 0:29:48.880 --> 0:29:52.720 like I just like we'll getting the words. I don't like, 0:29:52.800 --> 0:29:54.960 I don't I don't love her, I don't look And 0:29:55.480 --> 0:29:57.360 I would say to myself, be like, bro, but why 0:29:57.360 --> 0:30:01.080 are you creating this image for the world. Why, Like, 0:30:01.320 --> 0:30:04.520 what what's going on with you? And and ultimately he 0:30:04.640 --> 0:30:07.360 ended up sharing that he had some you know, that 0:30:07.440 --> 0:30:10.200 he had been abused his child, you know, he had 0:30:10.440 --> 0:30:12.719 other wound. He had a bunch of stuff going on 0:30:12.800 --> 0:30:15.280 at the time, abused Like, how is this the same 0:30:15.320 --> 0:30:19.320 as a molestation? Yeah? I think so. And he didn't 0:30:19.320 --> 0:30:21.800 go into that much detail, but he did say that 0:30:21.880 --> 0:30:26.080 he experienced, um, some abuse. And I and I depend 0:30:26.160 --> 0:30:30.440 upon their comfort level our private Yeah, so I'm just 0:30:30.480 --> 0:30:35.200 assuming something happens to him that altered his life, and 0:30:35.320 --> 0:30:38.360 I think there's so many people who are like that. 0:30:38.440 --> 0:30:40.200 I took all the time, like you don't let social 0:30:40.240 --> 0:30:44.080 media fool you. Don't let it fool you because you 0:30:44.120 --> 0:30:48.600 have no idea how people is curated. People want you 0:30:48.640 --> 0:30:50.440 to think that they have it together. People want you 0:30:50.480 --> 0:30:52.480 to think they live in this perfect life, and that's 0:30:52.520 --> 0:30:55.960 just not reality. It's not And you talk about this, 0:30:56.080 --> 0:30:59.520 you talk about how sometimes you know, we live in 0:30:59.520 --> 0:31:02.840 this world illusion and how it's actually the opposite of 0:31:03.040 --> 0:31:10.120 acceptance because you've created another world that doesn't exist. Yeah, 0:31:10.200 --> 0:31:13.320 and at least the narcissism, which is which is very dangerous, 0:31:13.480 --> 0:31:16.280 you know, because narcissism there's not really a cure or 0:31:16.280 --> 0:31:18.760 treatment for it. That's something that you have to treat 0:31:18.800 --> 0:31:21.360 yourself for. And so that's the space you don't want 0:31:21.360 --> 0:31:24.000 to live in, is you know, when you do, when 0:31:24.000 --> 0:31:26.640 you are delusional, you create these worlds. It does suit 0:31:26.680 --> 0:31:28.320 you for a time being, but then there's going to 0:31:28.360 --> 0:31:32.560 be a time when the reality when it crashes. So 0:31:32.800 --> 0:31:34.719 let's you know, that's something that has been coming up 0:31:34.760 --> 0:31:38.480 a lot surrounding me of you know, whether it's looked 0:31:38.520 --> 0:31:43.479 at selfishness or narcissism, it's about let me make this 0:31:43.560 --> 0:31:46.000 image and law as it fits okay with me, because 0:31:46.000 --> 0:31:48.760 I'm thinking about my well being first. When we talk 0:31:48.840 --> 0:31:50.880 about wellness, and we hear this a lot like being 0:31:50.920 --> 0:31:53.160 on the plane, make sure you put your oxygen on 0:31:53.200 --> 0:31:55.880 so that you can help somebody else. So I can 0:31:55.920 --> 0:31:58.120 imagine there's a silver lining or kind of like a 0:31:58.120 --> 0:32:01.280 fine line of me loving on myself and then me 0:32:01.400 --> 0:32:05.000 being so narcissistic that I'm consumed with myself. Can you 0:32:05.120 --> 0:32:08.360 help me see between that? The thing about narcissism is 0:32:08.400 --> 0:32:12.120 that people don't understand that narcissism is typically a trauma response. 0:32:13.120 --> 0:32:16.320 It's a trauma response to feeling fragile or is extremely 0:32:16.320 --> 0:32:19.840 insecure inside. And so what it is you create this 0:32:19.880 --> 0:32:23.640 inflated version of yourself in order to survive. And and 0:32:23.680 --> 0:32:26.160 so I think that people don't understand that's the undercurrent 0:32:26.240 --> 0:32:29.200 of it. But to that point of what you're saying 0:32:29.320 --> 0:32:33.560 is like so many of us are so enamored with ourselves, 0:32:33.840 --> 0:32:36.160 and I think that's because some and I actually think 0:32:36.240 --> 0:32:39.280 that the largest hope is that the connectivity, the connection 0:32:39.320 --> 0:32:42.640 that we had as human beings, um the accountability. Like 0:32:42.680 --> 0:32:44.880 no one wants to be wrong, you know, like, we're 0:32:44.960 --> 0:32:47.480 we want to be perceived as perfect. It's it's killing us. 0:32:47.920 --> 0:32:51.520 And so like that aspect of it. UM is why 0:32:51.520 --> 0:32:53.520 you see so many people who are narcissists, because we 0:32:53.560 --> 0:32:55.520 don't want to be wrong, we don't want to grow, 0:32:55.880 --> 0:32:58.440 we just want to be perfect. And I think that 0:32:58.760 --> 0:33:02.880 because we see manicured um people on social media. We 0:33:02.920 --> 0:33:05.840 see these Instagram models who have these perfect manicured bodies 0:33:05.840 --> 0:33:08.120 and these guys who have these perfect rup of bodies, 0:33:08.560 --> 0:33:11.960 and you're thinking that that's it, but you don't know 0:33:12.840 --> 0:33:14.320 what's on the other side of that, what they have 0:33:14.360 --> 0:33:16.200 to do to maintain that. And so I think it's 0:33:16.200 --> 0:33:19.040 just true. It's so convoluted. I just think that it 0:33:19.400 --> 0:33:22.200 trickles down into this. We don't want to have accountability. 0:33:22.360 --> 0:33:24.959 We don't want to own anything that we've done. We 0:33:25.120 --> 0:33:27.520 it's just we just want to look like we have 0:33:27.640 --> 0:33:32.320 it together, which obsessed with that it's very dangerous. So 0:33:32.400 --> 0:33:35.080 talking back with your friend from social media, so once 0:33:35.120 --> 0:33:38.239 he comes to you, he's like, purpose, I can't take it. 0:33:38.320 --> 0:33:41.120 I got this wife, We're out here looking like we're 0:33:41.120 --> 0:33:44.400 living the life of our dreams. What was the point 0:33:44.480 --> 0:33:47.880 that he came to as far as the alchemy part 0:33:47.920 --> 0:33:51.400 because we we did the he accepted it or acknowledge it, 0:33:51.520 --> 0:33:55.880 So I'm not happy. Okay, acceptance it did happen, articulated 0:33:56.200 --> 0:34:00.400 articulated the what happened after that, well, I think it 0:34:00.480 --> 0:34:04.239 was apology towards his wife to his ex wife, and 0:34:04.680 --> 0:34:08.239 the space of like really embracing who he was and 0:34:08.280 --> 0:34:13.920 really being like an advocate for communication with men, like 0:34:14.080 --> 0:34:16.799 talking about those uncomfortable things. So like he now is 0:34:17.239 --> 0:34:20.839 he now encourages those conversations. He's now a person who 0:34:21.000 --> 0:34:23.759 is vulnerable, vulnerable enough to talk about the things that 0:34:23.800 --> 0:34:26.160 he giving over his marriage and you know, and telking 0:34:26.160 --> 0:34:28.680 to other people, especially for young couples that are getting married. 0:34:28.760 --> 0:34:31.680 He definitely is like that guy who definitely will tell 0:34:31.719 --> 0:34:34.480 you about how he messed up and how he getting 0:34:34.480 --> 0:34:36.640 addressed in the issues going to his mess. So I 0:34:36.680 --> 0:34:39.640 think that what he did with alchemy was like the ownership, 0:34:39.920 --> 0:34:43.600 the accountability and not being afraid to share with others. 0:34:44.760 --> 0:34:47.200 So at this point in understanding, when we talk about 0:34:47.280 --> 0:34:50.560 this whole magical transformation state, at the alchemy and kind 0:34:50.560 --> 0:34:54.080 of stage, um, did it go into a place where 0:34:54.080 --> 0:34:56.799 he was able to be in another relationship? Did he 0:34:56.840 --> 0:34:58.800 find himself that he was in a relationship with a 0:34:58.920 --> 0:35:02.399 woman a man, like, what was the we get out 0:35:02.400 --> 0:35:05.440 of that? What transforms? And said and and I know 0:35:05.840 --> 0:35:07.880 and it's not like the I know it's like a 0:35:07.880 --> 0:35:10.080 touchy topic, but it's real because I feel like people, 0:35:10.280 --> 0:35:14.200 you know, I know friends, men and women that have 0:35:14.360 --> 0:35:17.920 questions because of being molested as a child and leading 0:35:17.960 --> 0:35:21.200 to narcissum and everything else, depression and not being able 0:35:21.239 --> 0:35:23.719 to see and it's like, let's call a spade of spain. 0:35:24.880 --> 0:35:27.399 Well you're yeah, So to that point, I'm sorry. I wasn't. 0:35:27.440 --> 0:35:28.879 I didn't know you want to go all over there. 0:35:28.920 --> 0:35:32.359 But now he's solid, he's good today, and I think 0:35:32.360 --> 0:35:34.319 that he does not want to be be married, but 0:35:34.400 --> 0:35:37.680 I think he's open. I think he's open to love 0:35:37.800 --> 0:35:39.640 and marriage again. But I think he's more focused on 0:35:40.000 --> 0:35:42.719 really becoming who he's supposed to be and really developing 0:35:43.040 --> 0:35:45.440 himself and focusing on him, which I think it's something. 0:35:45.719 --> 0:35:47.719 If I'm honnest and knowing him on these years, he's 0:35:47.760 --> 0:35:51.560 never really done and so like for me, like I 0:35:51.560 --> 0:35:54.320 feel like he's engaged in alchemy because now he's focused 0:35:54.320 --> 0:35:56.840 on him, he is he would love to be married 0:35:56.920 --> 0:35:59.560 to a woman again. I think at some point he's 0:35:59.560 --> 0:36:01.640 open to off. I will say that I don't want 0:36:01.640 --> 0:36:05.440 to score. He's open too long again, right, And I 0:36:05.480 --> 0:36:08.440 think that's so beautiful to just you know, talking about 0:36:08.480 --> 0:36:11.399 the alchemy process because it reminds me like you talked 0:36:11.440 --> 0:36:13.839 about on social media, we try to come up with 0:36:13.880 --> 0:36:17.319 this perception of it's beautiful and not really knowing what 0:36:17.440 --> 0:36:19.880 it took to get there. But if something has a 0:36:19.960 --> 0:36:22.600 value to it, right, there is a process that had 0:36:22.640 --> 0:36:25.759 to endure, whether it be a tropical place it's it's 0:36:25.800 --> 0:36:28.880 storming all the time, whether it's the beauty of that diamond, 0:36:28.960 --> 0:36:32.760 realizing over time what as you may have said before, 0:36:32.960 --> 0:36:35.560 was lead that turned to gold, but this cold that 0:36:35.640 --> 0:36:38.840 turned into a diamond. And always say what allows a 0:36:38.920 --> 0:36:42.080 diamond to shine are the multitudes of cuts that have 0:36:42.160 --> 0:36:44.520 in place within it. When you can walk up and 0:36:44.560 --> 0:36:50.960 say depression, molestation, insecurity, failed job, failed promotion, and step 0:36:51.000 --> 0:36:55.040 into the light and say you see me, I made it. 0:36:55.400 --> 0:36:57.960 And I love what you said because you said even 0:36:57.960 --> 0:37:00.239 as you're talking about thriving and what you want would 0:37:00.280 --> 0:37:04.960 have realized is that the becoming that you said, I'm 0:37:05.080 --> 0:37:08.920 consistently becoming it reminded me of Michelle Obama. But it 0:37:08.960 --> 0:37:13.719 reminds me to your story because what I did understand 0:37:13.719 --> 0:37:17.040 that you said you had to breakdown, right, But how 0:37:17.040 --> 0:37:20.720 did you know? I think you said your your friend's 0:37:20.760 --> 0:37:22.719 name was kenn. How did you know that you could 0:37:22.760 --> 0:37:27.319 be vulnerable? How did you know that that was a possibility. Well, 0:37:27.320 --> 0:37:30.360 I'll tell you like this, for me being a person 0:37:30.400 --> 0:37:34.399 who is emotional and recognizing that I am an emotional man, right, 0:37:35.000 --> 0:37:37.239 and I embrace it and I and I own it 0:37:37.320 --> 0:37:41.600 and I love it. Actually, but when you with the 0:37:41.760 --> 0:37:45.080 mind can handle, it imposes on the body. And at 0:37:45.120 --> 0:37:48.640 that point, but the mind can't handle, it imposes on 0:37:48.680 --> 0:37:51.759 the body. I was literally getting sick. My hair was 0:37:51.800 --> 0:37:55.880 falling out, um, I had hives, I was shaking, I 0:37:55.960 --> 0:38:01.399 had a twitch. I didn't like that experience. My mom 0:38:01.400 --> 0:38:03.120 always said, when you want to get up a rollercoaster, 0:38:03.239 --> 0:38:07.799 you will get off, and so that was a moment 0:38:07.840 --> 0:38:10.080 for me. I was like, I don't care what it 0:38:10.080 --> 0:38:12.960 looks like. I don't care if anybody says, like having 0:38:13.000 --> 0:38:16.040 that anxiety in your body, and literally when I probably 0:38:16.080 --> 0:38:18.640 should have been taking med for it, having that little 0:38:18.640 --> 0:38:22.000 of anxiety, I was like, Nah, if I, if I'm 0:38:22.040 --> 0:38:24.360 listening to what Beth Moore and these doctors are saying, 0:38:24.440 --> 0:38:27.319 if I confesses of how it is releasing it, I'm 0:38:27.320 --> 0:38:30.839 willing to run the risk of looking crazy. So for me, 0:38:31.440 --> 0:38:34.040 I wasn't afraid to look crazy. Because you have to 0:38:34.080 --> 0:38:37.360 save in your life, I'm not trying to save my life. 0:38:38.080 --> 0:38:40.319 I love that because I think that when we talk 0:38:40.400 --> 0:38:43.160 about society and today and how it is about putting 0:38:43.160 --> 0:38:46.399 everything on blast, you gotta realize you gotta protect your 0:38:46.440 --> 0:38:51.000 boundaries and you got to know your space, your capacity 0:38:51.400 --> 0:38:54.880 and even understanding that space, how much are you're holding 0:38:54.960 --> 0:38:58.480 and how much are you necessarily caring that it's unnecessary 0:38:58.880 --> 0:39:01.080 because I feel like the all we put on the 0:39:01.160 --> 0:39:03.640 more is that we try to control. And one of 0:39:03.680 --> 0:39:06.040 the things that it just even as I'm looking at 0:39:06.040 --> 0:39:08.759 you and even as you're explaining, like like I was 0:39:08.800 --> 0:39:11.040 going through this, I was like and I was like, no, 0:39:11.360 --> 0:39:15.120 your body relaxed, there was you, you exhaled with your voice. 0:39:15.160 --> 0:39:17.759 It's that whole thing of letting go because I felt 0:39:17.760 --> 0:39:20.360 like when we're holding on to stress, and like what 0:39:20.520 --> 0:39:23.120 I talked about invitamin D is similar to what Erica 0:39:23.400 --> 0:39:25.560 do talked about even when her old tract that was 0:39:25.600 --> 0:39:30.080 ahead bag lady. It is what you break your back. 0:39:30.480 --> 0:39:33.200 It will slow you down and like you said, keep 0:39:33.239 --> 0:39:35.959 playing if you want to, you will be shut down 0:39:36.080 --> 0:39:41.920 on the get down absolutely and listen. I'm forty. I 0:39:41.960 --> 0:39:44.080 don't look for you, and I'm thankful for that because 0:39:44.080 --> 0:39:45.960 I wouldn't know when you said, I was like, okay, 0:39:46.000 --> 0:39:51.799 skid care. I'm forty years old and I had and 0:39:51.840 --> 0:39:53.959 I have a youthfulness to me, and I think that's 0:39:53.960 --> 0:39:58.359 the number one god ye for all years stuff I've 0:39:58.360 --> 0:40:02.400 been through, but also to because I literally incorporate. I 0:40:02.440 --> 0:40:05.600 try to carry stuff. I trying to suppress any thing. Um. 0:40:05.640 --> 0:40:07.960 I try to really release stuff as soon as possible 0:40:08.000 --> 0:40:10.560 because I know the benefits of it, and so I 0:40:10.600 --> 0:40:13.319 know when somebody hasn't done that. UM. And I have 0:40:13.440 --> 0:40:15.640 to tell you, it's like one of the most beautiful 0:40:15.680 --> 0:40:17.480 things that you could ever will miss to seem a 0:40:17.920 --> 0:40:21.000 Roman me so rongable and so fragile and say like, 0:40:21.120 --> 0:40:24.839 you know what purpose I've been in pain, I've experienced 0:40:24.840 --> 0:40:28.439 this and now I feel so much free. Um. After 0:40:28.480 --> 0:40:30.640 I've been sharing it with my wife and sharing with 0:40:30.680 --> 0:40:33.840 my therapist. You can just see the comb on the 0:40:34.360 --> 0:40:37.920 something they probably never experienced in their life. It is 0:40:37.920 --> 0:40:39.840 one of the most beautiful things you will ever see. 0:40:40.600 --> 0:40:46.680 He's to be still, Yes, yes, he's be still, And 0:40:46.719 --> 0:40:49.360 I love that because I think it's to thriveal mode. 0:40:49.360 --> 0:40:53.680 And immediately before anything, I was thinking us to thrival 0:40:53.960 --> 0:40:55.399 and I was I was thinking, I was like, Okay, 0:40:55.400 --> 0:40:58.120 how is this possible? Because I remember something that I 0:40:58.280 --> 0:40:59.840 one of the things that I've always dealt with this 0:41:00.000 --> 0:41:03.200 a weight, And I remember watching the Biggest Louver Loser 0:41:03.239 --> 0:41:06.799 episode and someone was like, I'm tired or surviving. I 0:41:06.840 --> 0:41:09.480 just want to live. But I think what makes it 0:41:09.600 --> 0:41:11.799 so beautiful even with your title is like what you 0:41:11.840 --> 0:41:15.719 said earlier on about it being a bridge, and sometimes 0:41:15.719 --> 0:41:19.000 there's things that that's what is not necessarily going over 0:41:19.040 --> 0:41:22.080 to escape, but it's just the means of a connection 0:41:22.440 --> 0:41:27.480 from one side to the next and not ignoring what 0:41:27.800 --> 0:41:32.479 the pieces, what the steps were to get from one 0:41:32.560 --> 0:41:36.640 side to the next, because we glorify the beauty of 0:41:36.760 --> 0:41:40.360 the ending result. We glorify the beauty of having that 0:41:40.440 --> 0:41:43.200 dollar bill without witnessing what happened to that tree and 0:41:43.280 --> 0:41:45.960 how that ink permeated and how it was pressed and 0:41:46.000 --> 0:41:49.239 putting the heat. But we just see the value, whether 0:41:49.239 --> 0:41:51.160 it be that or diamond at home or what have you. 0:41:51.239 --> 0:41:53.640 I love that and so I, like I said before, 0:41:53.960 --> 0:41:56.560 thank you definitely with that. But when we talk about 0:41:56.600 --> 0:41:59.000 these young men, right and we talk about the whole 0:41:59.080 --> 0:42:02.680 ideal of tackling the mental health, if somebody is listening, 0:42:03.040 --> 0:42:07.520 you know what is the first step to even seeking 0:42:07.600 --> 0:42:12.239 out some mental support? Oh man, I mean they're so 0:42:12.320 --> 0:42:15.120 thankfully now there are spaces like Therapy for Black Men 0:42:15.440 --> 0:42:19.400 dot org um that have they have listings of therapist, 0:42:19.520 --> 0:42:21.960 life coaches and mental health advocates that are especial that 0:42:22.040 --> 0:42:24.839 specialized in working with young men of color or men 0:42:24.880 --> 0:42:28.080 of color. So I think that's the great thing I 0:42:28.080 --> 0:42:30.200 think about twenty today is that I think there are 0:42:30.239 --> 0:42:33.960 a lot of spaces in which we are now comfortable 0:42:34.040 --> 0:42:37.000 talking about mental health. And so I think the first 0:42:37.000 --> 0:42:40.440 step is finding somebody who you identify as a safe space. 0:42:40.840 --> 0:42:44.080 I speak at universities and organizations and teach them how 0:42:44.120 --> 0:42:46.680 to develop mental wellness action plan. And I think one 0:42:46.680 --> 0:42:49.279 of the first things in that mental wellness actually playing 0:42:49.360 --> 0:42:53.400 is identifying who who are the safe spaces? Who do 0:42:53.440 --> 0:42:56.359 you feel comfortable with, who do you feel like they 0:42:56.360 --> 0:42:59.360 can hold and handle. What is you have to say, 0:42:59.480 --> 0:43:01.759 because that's the first step is getting a person into 0:43:01.760 --> 0:43:05.239 a space of sharing, right, because that's what it is. 0:43:05.280 --> 0:43:08.600 It's not it's not telling your business is sharing. And 0:43:09.800 --> 0:43:13.719 that's the first step is really identifying those people. But 0:43:14.040 --> 0:43:16.279 for that person who you feel as a state space, 0:43:16.280 --> 0:43:19.960 who can handle, who can handle and shoulder whether the 0:43:20.040 --> 0:43:22.759 situt what you're sharing, and so how do you show 0:43:22.800 --> 0:43:26.640 these young men that it doesn't make you not masculine? 0:43:27.320 --> 0:43:28.920 What one of the first thing I do is I 0:43:28.960 --> 0:43:32.680 tell my business. I tell them I cagate you know, 0:43:32.760 --> 0:43:35.239 this is what I'm going through, this is what I've experienced, 0:43:35.480 --> 0:43:37.359 These are the these are the vulner those spaces in 0:43:37.360 --> 0:43:40.120 my life, this is what I've been endured. And I 0:43:40.160 --> 0:43:43.680 do that on purpose because you know, I trained executives. 0:43:43.680 --> 0:43:46.760 I say, you know, transparent leaders create environments for sharing. 0:43:47.160 --> 0:43:50.759 So once I'm in there being transparent, I make it 0:43:50.920 --> 0:43:55.040 safe and okay for others to share. And so that's 0:43:55.480 --> 0:43:59.040 that's what it is. I definitely, you know that's my gift. 0:43:59.239 --> 0:44:02.080 I have no problem telling my business. I love that 0:44:02.520 --> 0:44:04.480 not be careful because you're talking to me. It's like 0:44:07.160 --> 0:44:10.759 to a limit. But I definitely go further than most 0:44:10.840 --> 0:44:14.239 men do, absolutely, and that that's definitely appreciated because that 0:44:14.320 --> 0:44:17.239 goes into the next thing I wanted to talk about 0:44:17.320 --> 0:44:20.440 as to the reason why we may not share because 0:44:20.480 --> 0:44:23.840 we may feel uncomfortable, is because this idea of shame. 0:44:24.719 --> 0:44:28.600 Can you tell me what this whole I don't. I 0:44:28.640 --> 0:44:30.760 don't want to give it power, but you'll be told 0:44:30.800 --> 0:44:34.160 there is a lot just me being transparent. I am 0:44:34.200 --> 0:44:36.520 in a process of what I will say in a cocoon, 0:44:36.920 --> 0:44:40.240 because what my shame is is getting my home and order. 0:44:41.040 --> 0:44:44.640 My mother was a hoarder, and I'm realizing because of 0:44:44.719 --> 0:44:47.560 depression and different things that she didn't deal with of 0:44:47.640 --> 0:44:50.440 covering up, you collect, you put things on top, but 0:44:50.480 --> 0:44:53.400 then what happens is that you find other ways to 0:44:53.800 --> 0:44:56.640 cover up things. And I can see how question things 0:44:56.640 --> 0:44:58.279 like oh my gosh, and how you said that whole 0:44:58.320 --> 0:45:01.480 fear who's gonna put me on last? Or it's that 0:45:01.520 --> 0:45:05.640 whole thing of judgment. But I'm trying to heal, so 0:45:05.680 --> 0:45:08.640 if I have to resource and reach out to somebody 0:45:08.680 --> 0:45:10.840 that has the tools that can put a vision that 0:45:10.880 --> 0:45:13.719 will put some fire under me, because can I take 0:45:13.760 --> 0:45:15.600 you here, like, okay, you know I'm going left. You're 0:45:15.600 --> 0:45:17.560 supposed to be talking. Let me get this out real quick. 0:45:18.600 --> 0:45:20.719 Earlier this week, and this is exactly what I love 0:45:20.760 --> 0:45:23.680 what you're doing. It came to me. I don't know 0:45:23.680 --> 0:45:25.960 if I was sitting here and meditation or whatnot, but 0:45:26.000 --> 0:45:28.839 I'm just thinking of how we we put it out there. 0:45:28.840 --> 0:45:30.480 We want to grow and be more than what we 0:45:30.520 --> 0:45:33.480 are right now. And if you are a person of faith, 0:45:33.719 --> 0:45:37.160 whether it being a religious or just something seeking higher above, 0:45:37.800 --> 0:45:40.279 I'm going to use the faith based moment and you 0:45:40.320 --> 0:45:43.839 talk about God and knowing that's the Potter's house, right well, 0:45:44.200 --> 0:45:46.080 you come in there as a bunch of clay. And 0:45:46.120 --> 0:45:49.359 if you're asking to step into this greatness, whatever that is, 0:45:49.400 --> 0:45:53.040 whether it's your money, whether it is successful relationship, whether 0:45:53.120 --> 0:45:57.600 it's your home, you're asking to be molded. You're asking 0:45:57.680 --> 0:46:01.080 to be pressed, to be pulled, to have water thrown, 0:46:01.360 --> 0:46:03.400 and then you're gonna go into the fire because I 0:46:03.400 --> 0:46:08.160 gotta make sure that you got it right. Absolutely. But 0:46:08.200 --> 0:46:10.680 in order to do that, there is a power or 0:46:10.840 --> 0:46:16.120 a a weight of shame that we carry. Talk to 0:46:16.160 --> 0:46:20.240 me about it, the power of it and the result 0:46:20.280 --> 0:46:22.400 of releasing it. First of all, do you know who 0:46:22.440 --> 0:46:26.120 Bernie Brown is. Every you know what, everybody's been telling 0:46:26.160 --> 0:46:28.400 me to check her out. I don't know fully, but 0:46:28.520 --> 0:46:32.320 everybody's been telling me to check her out. So Burnee 0:46:32.320 --> 0:46:36.480 Brown is like a special specialist in shame, right, Um. 0:46:36.760 --> 0:46:39.000 And I actually did a video is a video clipped 0:46:39.000 --> 0:46:41.520 me actually working with see I made at a university 0:46:41.560 --> 0:46:44.040 and I was speaking about shame and nomability and she 0:46:44.120 --> 0:46:47.439 loved them. She retweeted the tweet, so that's like, yeah, 0:46:47.440 --> 0:46:49.719 she she loved it. But one of the things I 0:46:49.760 --> 0:46:53.640 think with Shane is the dangerous actually the shame is 0:46:53.680 --> 0:46:59.040 that it becomes an identity and not a not an experience, 0:46:59.080 --> 0:47:01.680 but it becomes in that identity. And I think that's 0:47:01.719 --> 0:47:05.360 the danger of it is that unconsciously and so constantly 0:47:05.400 --> 0:47:08.600 we are taking on whatever it is that we're experiencing 0:47:08.719 --> 0:47:11.719 as who we are and not something that we are experiencing. 0:47:12.360 --> 0:47:15.000 And that's the distinction. You have to be able to say, like, 0:47:15.200 --> 0:47:16.840 this is not who I am, and I will not 0:47:16.920 --> 0:47:19.760 allow this to become my identity. I will not embody 0:47:19.800 --> 0:47:24.239 this because this is not me. This is an experience. 0:47:24.520 --> 0:47:26.560 This is something that I'm working through, but I'm not 0:47:26.719 --> 0:47:28.920 taking that on as an identity. And that's one of 0:47:28.960 --> 0:47:30.799 the biggest things that I had to do was say, like, 0:47:31.040 --> 0:47:33.480 you know what, purpose there's nothing to be shamed about. 0:47:34.000 --> 0:47:36.200 Use molested this and this and that happened to you, 0:47:36.520 --> 0:47:38.520 but that ain't who you are. That was never who 0:47:38.600 --> 0:47:41.359 you are. I had to have that kind of Jesus moment. 0:47:41.400 --> 0:47:43.040 I'd be like, Yo, that's not who you are, bro. 0:47:43.560 --> 0:47:47.640 So I had to remove I had to stop embodying 0:47:47.840 --> 0:47:50.359 myself in that and looking at it and putting off 0:47:50.400 --> 0:47:52.800 to where it needed to be. So I think the 0:47:53.800 --> 0:47:57.920 biggest challenges understanding that that's not your identity. That's the 0:47:57.920 --> 0:48:00.239 biggest part of shame is that we we emby do it. 0:48:00.880 --> 0:48:03.319 That's the thing. It's like, what's what's that movie the 0:48:03.320 --> 0:48:06.640 body snatches. It's like shame comes and snatches ill body 0:48:06.760 --> 0:48:09.640 up and weird and now we're shame. You can't do that. 0:48:09.920 --> 0:48:12.840 You can't body, You can't do that. Another thing that 0:48:12.880 --> 0:48:15.200 you did talk about is that, um, you know, even 0:48:15.200 --> 0:48:18.080 in this process, while you know some may say it's 0:48:18.080 --> 0:48:19.960 like a weakness to come forth and to say with 0:48:20.040 --> 0:48:21.880 different things that happen to you, but there is a 0:48:21.920 --> 0:48:26.279 sense of bravery because it's like you know while it 0:48:26.360 --> 0:48:28.279 is a lot of braver, there's a penalty for that. 0:48:28.320 --> 0:48:30.319 And you talked about that a little bit in your book. 0:48:30.800 --> 0:48:33.919 Can you tell us more you know, I mean there's 0:48:34.080 --> 0:48:38.120 there's penalty, like you know, your family, your family maybe 0:48:38.160 --> 0:48:40.279 like why are you telling that? Why you you know, 0:48:40.320 --> 0:48:43.280 why you're embarrassing thats why you're not keeping you know, family, 0:48:43.520 --> 0:48:46.839 family business, family business. Um. There's also a perception and 0:48:46.840 --> 0:48:49.480 how people, how people perceive you, Like there may be 0:48:49.680 --> 0:48:52.439 in me saying like low, I've been molested. There they're 0:48:52.480 --> 0:48:54.480 definitely women who just like I want to be with that. 0:48:54.719 --> 0:48:56.040 I don't want to do to no man who's been 0:48:56.080 --> 0:48:59.279 molested let me. And there could be like people can 0:48:59.360 --> 0:49:00.919 use it as we can say it against you. There's 0:49:01.000 --> 0:49:03.960 so many penalties that could be used against you when 0:49:03.960 --> 0:49:06.920 you are vulnerable. But and I always want to make 0:49:06.920 --> 0:49:08.719 sure that I laid that out, but I also want 0:49:08.719 --> 0:49:12.160 to show the strength of it. Like how I don't 0:49:12.320 --> 0:49:15.880 I see Willing Knight he love somebody, you know what 0:49:15.920 --> 0:49:19.120 I mean? Like I see Willing Knight. I have you know, 0:49:19.200 --> 0:49:23.920 on a good day, I'm literally levitating you understand what 0:49:23.920 --> 0:49:28.080 I'm saying, Like I'm I have I don't. I don't 0:49:28.120 --> 0:49:31.799 walk around with a heaviness or weightiness to me. And 0:49:31.800 --> 0:49:35.120 and that's not that's not the brag. It's literally because 0:49:35.360 --> 0:49:37.880 I don't have a problem being vulnerable. I don't have 0:49:37.920 --> 0:49:41.680 a problem sharing it because vulnerabilities are straight. Now I'm 0:49:41.800 --> 0:49:45.279 judicious about who un vulnerable with and what i'mvulnable about it. 0:49:45.560 --> 0:49:49.480 Come on, discernment, that's the discernment. I know. I can 0:49:49.520 --> 0:49:53.560 tell my therapist anything. I see your therapists regularly. I 0:49:53.680 --> 0:49:55.840 have to because the work that I do, and I 0:49:55.880 --> 0:49:58.280 can't tell you to see a therapist if I myself 0:49:58.760 --> 0:50:01.239 aren't are doing that as well, and so like, I 0:50:01.320 --> 0:50:04.239 definitely know who are the stay spaces. I identify those 0:50:04.239 --> 0:50:07.560 people who can handle the real, real real if people 0:50:07.560 --> 0:50:10.400 who can handle a level too. I didnfy people with 0:50:10.440 --> 0:50:13.400 the level of handle level ten. But there is a power, 0:50:13.560 --> 0:50:16.879 there's a bravery in confessing what you're going through because 0:50:16.960 --> 0:50:19.080 kingdombody to use it against way you can't. You can't 0:50:19.120 --> 0:50:21.880 beat me with my own truth. You can't beat me 0:50:22.000 --> 0:50:23.839 with my own truth state I gave you the stick 0:50:23.960 --> 0:50:26.359 like you can't. And here's the thing too, I think 0:50:26.360 --> 0:50:28.879 it's interesting when you talk about fear and things like that. 0:50:29.200 --> 0:50:32.759 We fear what we do not see. But if I acknowledge, 0:50:34.040 --> 0:50:38.760 I accept, I articulate and now I'm in a transformation 0:50:38.840 --> 0:50:44.399 process of alchemy. Home shall I fear? Yes, And that's 0:50:44.440 --> 0:50:48.239 a power to know that I stand. And I think, 0:50:48.320 --> 0:50:51.440 you know, just thinking of this thrival mold, it just 0:50:51.520 --> 0:50:55.160 reminds me of that tree, that tree that standing in. 0:50:55.280 --> 0:50:57.920 My roots are so thick because I did the healing, 0:50:57.960 --> 0:51:01.960 I did the transformation, and I'm sucking on my nutrients. 0:51:02.000 --> 0:51:07.040 That's why I'm thriving. I weather the storm, thank you, Purvis, 0:51:09.000 --> 0:51:11.520 and I will continue to whether. Because I whether the 0:51:11.560 --> 0:51:13.960 life storm, I will whether the next one. And that's 0:51:13.960 --> 0:51:16.719 the thing too, It's like it's an ongoing process. So 0:51:16.880 --> 0:51:19.880 again that's why I haven't arrived anywhere, and so like 0:51:20.719 --> 0:51:23.760 it's new levels, but the new levels, those aids still 0:51:23.760 --> 0:51:26.440 stay the same. There's new levels as you achieve them, 0:51:26.480 --> 0:51:28.960 like there's new things, there's new questions, there's new problems 0:51:28.960 --> 0:51:31.440 and new things as human beings like that, this is 0:51:31.560 --> 0:51:34.120 part of the journey. But one thing I know for 0:51:34.200 --> 0:51:37.440 sure is that thriving and being a hole is my birthday. 0:51:37.640 --> 0:51:41.360 And once I've experienced that, you can't tell me anything different, 0:51:41.920 --> 0:51:45.920 So that's that's what's different. Thank you. I keep saying 0:51:45.920 --> 0:51:49.160 thank you because I need to see more people like you. 0:51:50.200 --> 0:51:52.520 That's in the whole thing of being a vessel and 0:51:52.600 --> 0:51:55.359 just healing. I know there's tons more, but as many 0:51:55.360 --> 0:51:57.759 more people I can use that platform because I need 0:51:57.760 --> 0:52:01.080 to shed this light. This is a healing movement. And 0:52:01.400 --> 0:52:04.560 you know, it's just amazing how this dream of vitamin 0:52:04.600 --> 0:52:08.640 D is just launching this year of just honing in 0:52:08.840 --> 0:52:12.880 on that vision. Okay, congratulations, Thank you so much, and 0:52:12.880 --> 0:52:15.319 thank you for being a part of my dream. I 0:52:15.400 --> 0:52:19.239 appreciate you. Can I tell you know honestly, like you 0:52:19.320 --> 0:52:26.799 are masterful and asking questions. Thank you, thanksoud, Thank you 0:52:26.880 --> 0:52:31.000 so much. You're very masterful asking asking questions that really 0:52:31.239 --> 0:52:39.160 um bringing your your interviewee in yes, shi me, I 0:52:39.239 --> 0:52:41.680 just want to I just I love to celebrate. I 0:52:41.760 --> 0:52:45.560 love to hill with what people do. Well like that's 0:52:45.600 --> 0:52:47.640 just me so and I think you really don't better. 0:52:48.000 --> 0:52:50.400 Thank you so much. And that was a scene that 0:52:50.440 --> 0:52:53.719 you're planning in me, so thank you. And and for 0:52:53.760 --> 0:52:56.600 anybody that is listening and they want to know more, 0:52:56.680 --> 0:52:58.560 they want to get a copy of your book. They 0:52:58.600 --> 0:53:01.760 want to tell us what would we follow you? What's 0:53:01.800 --> 0:53:06.520 coming next? They want to stay connected? Oh thank you. Um. 0:53:06.560 --> 0:53:09.200 So if you would like to stay connected, um, you 0:53:09.200 --> 0:53:12.239 can go to my website to thrive amode dot com. Um. 0:53:12.480 --> 0:53:14.880 Also you can follow me on social media at Pervose 0:53:14.880 --> 0:53:17.680 sailor on all platforms. I just did verify to y'all 0:53:19.440 --> 0:53:23.440 verified in the building. If you want to get copies 0:53:23.480 --> 0:53:25.520 of the book, you can get off Mode dot com 0:53:25.600 --> 0:53:29.320 as well as Amazon dot com. Awesome, and and and 0:53:29.600 --> 0:53:35.040 what I have for me next? Um, just doing more talks. Um. 0:53:35.080 --> 0:53:37.799 You know I've been guests lecturing at university, so that's new. 0:53:37.960 --> 0:53:42.840 That's awesome. So doing your dad and hopefully going across 0:53:42.960 --> 0:53:46.080 international waters um. People want me to come over to 0:53:46.239 --> 0:53:49.640 London Town to to do some Toriba Moore workshops and whatnot. 0:53:49.680 --> 0:53:52.520 So okay, and and and just lastly, if you could 0:53:52.600 --> 0:53:55.920 leave our audience are at the audience. People that's in 0:53:55.920 --> 0:53:58.239 the room with us, that's in our company are kimp folk. 0:53:58.800 --> 0:54:02.280 If you can leave them with adults, Vitamin dame, whether 0:54:02.360 --> 0:54:06.200 it just be a quote something to remember, the floor 0:54:06.239 --> 0:54:09.680 is yours. So there's a slot in the world history 0:54:09.760 --> 0:54:12.120 for each of every one of us, either as a 0:54:12.120 --> 0:54:15.760 world changer or someone who watched the world change choose 0:54:16.560 --> 0:54:21.279 there it is, Thank you, Purvis, Thank you. You know why. 0:54:21.920 --> 0:54:26.360 I thoroughly enjoyed that conversation. It is always so refreshing 0:54:26.400 --> 0:54:29.719 to speak with someone who is invested in changing and 0:54:29.760 --> 0:54:33.239 improving the lives of young people by doing so or 0:54:33.280 --> 0:54:35.680 the opening the doors of their own. Isn't that what 0:54:35.719 --> 0:54:38.880 it's all about. Isn't it about being our brothers and 0:54:38.880 --> 0:54:42.000 our sisters keeper? But I'll tell you what it's also about. 0:54:42.320 --> 0:54:46.240 It's about honoring and acknowledging that you are your greatest asset. 0:54:46.920 --> 0:54:49.919 And if you don't have self together, I don't care 0:54:49.960 --> 0:54:54.120 what you touch, nothing will be together. Because everything's an 0:54:54.160 --> 0:54:56.440 extension of you. Think about it. Every day you walk 0:54:56.480 --> 0:54:58.640 out of the house. It's not part of you that goes, 0:54:58.719 --> 0:55:01.200 it's all of you. And I had to learn that 0:55:01.280 --> 0:55:03.880 this year and getting the vision with my life. I 0:55:03.880 --> 0:55:07.200 grew up in the household of clutter. My mother was 0:55:07.200 --> 0:55:09.719 a hoarder. That is a shame that I've carried my 0:55:09.960 --> 0:55:12.799 entire life where people were not allowed in. So that 0:55:12.840 --> 0:55:16.440 means covering things up, that means now allowing room for 0:55:16.520 --> 0:55:20.080 new things. Well, it's a new Dawn. It's a new day. 0:55:20.280 --> 0:55:23.799 I'm cutting on a light and I'm making wrong and 0:55:23.840 --> 0:55:26.720 I want you to make room with yourself. See the good, 0:55:26.800 --> 0:55:29.200 see the bad, see the indifferent, and embrace it all 0:55:29.280 --> 0:55:32.719 because all of it makes you who you are. You're 0:55:32.719 --> 0:55:36.080 not responsible for what happened to you in your childhood, 0:55:36.920 --> 0:55:40.920 but as an adult, you're responsible for your emotional and 0:55:41.239 --> 0:55:45.080 your physical health. That's the Thrival right there. And if 0:55:45.080 --> 0:55:47.920 you enjoyed this conversation and you would like to get 0:55:47.920 --> 0:55:51.440 a copy of Purvis's new book, Sir Thrival Mode, you 0:55:51.480 --> 0:55:54.320 can do so by checking out the website so thrival 0:55:54.360 --> 0:55:57.200 mode dot com. You can also find him on social 0:55:57.200 --> 0:56:02.200 media at Purvis Taylor on Instagram and Twitter. As always, 0:56:02.239 --> 0:56:04.560 you can catch us here in your phone or whichever 0:56:04.680 --> 0:56:07.799 smart device you may be listening from every Monday with 0:56:07.920 --> 0:56:11.920 more inspiring conversations and insights. And if you're looking to 0:56:11.960 --> 0:56:14.279 get even more Vitamin D in your life, you can 0:56:14.320 --> 0:56:18.000 follow me at Dawn day Speaks on all social media. 0:56:18.360 --> 0:56:22.520 That's Dawn d a I Speaks. Okay, I'm looking forward 0:56:22.560 --> 0:56:26.520 to hearing from you, and until next time, always remember 0:56:27.040 --> 0:56:28.960 you are your greatest asset.