1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm welcome to Steph. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 1: I never told your protection of I Heart Radio. It 3 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 1: is time for another spin defiction. No, we do need 4 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:30,760 Speaker 1: a new jingle. You're good at jingles. I just want 5 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,000 Speaker 1: to say I appreciate people who have reached out to me. 6 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: There haven't been too many of you, but some of 7 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: you have reached out to you and said thank you. 8 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 1: I like the fiction, don't worry about it, because I 9 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,159 Speaker 1: always put this disclaimer in here. If this is not 10 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,080 Speaker 1: your thing, this is one segment. We do have a 11 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,279 Speaker 1: million other things, and I just put that in there 12 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,519 Speaker 1: because I totally understand listening to a podcast and they 13 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,640 Speaker 1: try something new and you're like, no, wait, this is 14 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,320 Speaker 1: not what I signed up for. So this is a 15 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,680 Speaker 1: once a month ish kind of thing. But I have 16 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:04,000 Speaker 1: really appreciate cated hearing from people who like it. We 17 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 1: really like fiction here and it's a fun thing for 18 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 1: us to do, and Christina always does such an amazing 19 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 1: job with the sound design and everything. So there's my 20 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:19,720 Speaker 1: fiction disclaimer that I put in all of these. If 21 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 1: it's not your thing, you don't worry about it. There's 22 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: a lot of other stuff we do. You can skip, 23 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:27,320 Speaker 1: it won't hurt my feelings. So this one I wrote 24 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 1: based on an idea that I had that I've talked 25 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: about before, and actually i've written fiction about before for 26 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:40,839 Speaker 1: Thirty Nights of Halloween, my fear of water cooler talk 27 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,680 Speaker 1: and icebreakers. So Samantha, I wanted to ask you, like, 28 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,320 Speaker 1: do you feel like you're good at water cooler talk 29 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 1: small talk? Is it something you enjoy, something you dread? 30 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 1: How do you feel about it? It's according to what 31 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: it's for. But typically, if I'm anticipating that we're going 32 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,240 Speaker 1: to have to do something, so let's say it's at 33 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,160 Speaker 1: the beginning of class, and they say we're gonna art 34 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 1: off with a warm up or get to know you exercise, 35 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,120 Speaker 1: and then someone starts, my heart races the point that 36 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:11,040 Speaker 1: I can no longer speak. So I really hate it, 37 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:14,280 Speaker 1: typically because I get very very anxious. We've talked about 38 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: how we've done panels, and I'm ridiculously anxious, to the 39 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 1: point that I probably blacked out on what just I 40 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,160 Speaker 1: just said. I have no idea what I've said. I've 41 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: been told that I'm not bad at it, so that's 42 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: the good news. Been told that I talked very fast 43 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:32,959 Speaker 1: and I talked very fast when I get nervous. Yeah, 44 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: it is. It is interesting for me because I know 45 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:41,640 Speaker 1: we've had a lot of talks on here about especially 46 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 1: during the pandemic, introverts versus extroverts, versus ambiverts, and I 47 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: have come to the inclusion I'm very much an extrovert, 48 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:54,760 Speaker 1: but I'm also very nervous and I'm very shy. So 49 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:02,840 Speaker 1: to me water cooler talk, it feels the same as 50 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 1: as I'm on the top of a roller coaster before 51 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: it's about to go down the hill, Like it's literally 52 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: I don't know all this is gonna go right, but 53 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,720 Speaker 1: I'm gonna travel best to make it good. And there's 54 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 1: also the element of women feeling like they have to 55 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: entertain or make this conversation and make it good, to 56 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 1: make it funny, to leave a good impression when you're 57 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 1: at work. There's a whole other element to it as well. 58 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:32,440 Speaker 1: It's like I've got to sell myself and being memorable. 59 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,400 Speaker 1: That's the other part is that I don't feel like 60 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:38,839 Speaker 1: people remember me unless I go overboard and become entertainment. 61 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 1: And I have to become entertainment often. And by the way, 62 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,840 Speaker 1: there's also that fine line of people have thought I 63 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 1: was hitting on them when I was just joking it 64 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: funny and I was flirting, like specifically. Do you remember 65 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:54,000 Speaker 1: when we went down to Florida one of our first conventions, 66 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: a giant one um, and I was just joking around 67 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: with a doorman, really just thanking him for a sort 68 00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:02,440 Speaker 1: of us teasing him a little bit and moving on. 69 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 1: And I thought it was no big deal because I 70 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,040 Speaker 1: could tell that we are we as a group, we're 71 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: annoying loud. There was tons of us. Uh, so I 72 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,160 Speaker 1: was coming entertaining. And then he asked me about wanting 73 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,280 Speaker 1: to go home with him that night, because not only 74 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 1: did he read into it, but his colleagues, who I 75 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,720 Speaker 1: was equally talking to as well, was telling him that 76 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: I was I wanted him quote unquote, and I'm like, 77 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 1: my god, I was just hanging out. And actually that's 78 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: happened to me a lot. And it happened to me 79 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 1: two more times at that convention because we were talking 80 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,440 Speaker 1: to booth people and I was just being nice and 81 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: we were told to go and invite people to our party. 82 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,679 Speaker 1: They took that as a date. It was a weird, 83 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 1: like I have both of those, like the anxieties now 84 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:45,680 Speaker 1: because I don't. I feel like I'm not overtly sexy 85 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: a flirty, so therefore I am safe to talk to 86 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,080 Speaker 1: people in a friendly manner. But I've been taught otherwise. Yeah, 87 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: I mean that's a good point to bring up for women. 88 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: That's another tight rope that we have to walk is like, 89 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,839 Speaker 1: you want to be Why has that somebody told me 90 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,280 Speaker 1: you have to be like pretend you could be attracted 91 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: to this man you're talking to in theory, but also 92 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,120 Speaker 1: not too much, but he has to believe you think 93 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: he is. So it makes sense to me that we 94 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:24,400 Speaker 1: would have this tension around water cooler talk or small 95 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,760 Speaker 1: talk for a lot of reasons for women, where whether 96 00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:32,159 Speaker 1: it is like, oh I have to entertain or oh 97 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,160 Speaker 1: I really have to put a lot of energy into 98 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:39,039 Speaker 1: making this man's ego feel okay, I guess right for 99 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:43,560 Speaker 1: my job, but then it can backfire in terms of 100 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:48,600 Speaker 1: that being seen as oh, you want to date me, yes? 101 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:56,839 Speaker 1: Oh no. No. So this story was something I wrote 102 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 1: based on I've set up a four I said a 103 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,040 Speaker 1: million times, I just have so much trouble sleeping, and 104 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,279 Speaker 1: so it kind of became a thing that was weird 105 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: at work because I am friends with most of the 106 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 1: people we work with, like actual friends, and it kind 107 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,080 Speaker 1: of became this odd situation where people who I work 108 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:21,360 Speaker 1: with who are also my friends would ask me how 109 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:25,640 Speaker 1: are you sleeping lately? Like what's what's your sleep? Because 110 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: they knew it was such a struggle for me. And 111 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,280 Speaker 1: it's not like I hid it. I was very open 112 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:31,599 Speaker 1: about it, but it was just kind of sleeping feels 113 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: so intimate in a lot of ways, and so it 114 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,760 Speaker 1: was strange to be like waiting for your coffee to 115 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:41,960 Speaker 1: brew and then you know, coworker slash friend come up 116 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: to you, but it's in this work space and asking 117 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:55,280 Speaker 1: you like how did you sleep? No, you do, but 118 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 1: I don't think you ever asked me like while I 119 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,000 Speaker 1: was waiting for my coffee to get ready at work 120 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,480 Speaker 1: though we haven't had that many situations on that level. Yeah, 121 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:06,360 Speaker 1: And even then, like it's not I was never offended 122 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: or mad or there's nothing about it, Like it was 123 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 1: just kind of odd. It was just kind of an 124 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: odd situation. And it got me thinking about water cooler 125 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 1: talk in general and how it's sort of this whole 126 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: social thing where we're all kind of trying to find 127 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:26,840 Speaker 1: something that won't make people mad, that's easy to talk about, 128 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,160 Speaker 1: so it's sort of a performative thing. And then for 129 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 1: women that performance is different. And then for me specifically, 130 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: who I guess I'm very open and vulnerable and I'm 131 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 1: very i am very extroverted, and I will tell you 132 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: all kinds of things about my life. And to the point, 133 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,360 Speaker 1: it was getting people are asking me how it was 134 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: sleeping at ward and it just it was kind of 135 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,080 Speaker 1: an odd moment. So I came up with this idea 136 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:57,720 Speaker 1: about what if that was a cop Like it wasn't 137 00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: just me, but what if like we all gave up 138 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: because a lot of people would tell me, I wish 139 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,360 Speaker 1: I could be you, I wish I didn't have to 140 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 1: sleep as much as I do. I wish I could 141 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: stay up as as long as you do. And I 142 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,680 Speaker 1: just got this idea in my head, like what if 143 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: that was an option you could take and we all 144 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 1: took it. And then, of course, because I watch a 145 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: lot of horror movies, how could that go terribly wrong? Right? 146 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: Of course? So with all of that context and mind, 147 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,679 Speaker 1: let us get into the fiction portion for this story 148 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:48,400 Speaker 1: called super Void. My dad used to say, be the 149 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 1: architect of your own dreams. My dreams were nightmares ever 150 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 1: since I was a kid, violent disturbing things that lingered, 151 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: that ripped screams from my throat, that woke all in 152 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,920 Speaker 1: the vicinity, brought them running, hearts racing as I was 153 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: engulfed in the dizzy moment of not knowing what was 154 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: real and what wasn't. The uncertainty was terrifying. I would 155 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,080 Speaker 1: lay in bed at night, praying to anyone that will 156 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 1: listen that I wouldn't fall asleep. I could swear someone 157 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,400 Speaker 1: was there, that I could feel their presence here, their breath, 158 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:30,560 Speaker 1: heart pounded. My parents took me to a sleep clinic. 159 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: Sticky notes were attached to my body on biblical cords 160 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:36,839 Speaker 1: linking me to machines, and I was told to sleep. 161 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,960 Speaker 1: Of course I did it. I laid awake, staring into 162 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,800 Speaker 1: the darkness and thinking that whatever possibly awaited me in 163 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 1: the shadows was better than whatever awaited me in sleep. 164 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: They prescribed me sleeping pills, but all they did was 165 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 1: chapped me in a nightmare, a realm of monsters and 166 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 1: fire and screaming, a realm I was certain I would 167 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 1: one day not wake from. I did everything I could 168 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: not to sleep, everything in my life revolved around it, 169 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:14,920 Speaker 1: and everything in my life suffered for it. So when 170 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,320 Speaker 1: I was in my twenties and I was contacted about 171 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,960 Speaker 1: participating in a drug trial for a pill that eliminated 172 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:24,239 Speaker 1: the need for sleep, I jumped on it my salvation. 173 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: I thought this could change my life. It did, just 174 00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 1: not in the way I thought. The architect of my 175 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 1: own dreams, I think about that a lot. It's strange 176 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: looking back. White rooms, white beds, white sheets, white pills, 177 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 1: day after day, white, white, right, sterile, lonely, silent. Did 178 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 1: give me the pill, and I take it As they watched, 179 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:08,440 Speaker 1: so desperate for it to work. The nightmares faded. They're 180 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:15,679 Speaker 1: crushing right on my chest faded. It worked, It worked. 181 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: I didn't need to sleep, a dream come true. For 182 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:34,800 Speaker 1: a while, everything was perfect, a dream, a living, waking dream. 183 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:39,040 Speaker 1: I suppose that's the key. I never slept, but I 184 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,559 Speaker 1: never felt truly awake either. I considered this an improvement. 185 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: At first. I had to keep a journal for the 186 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: trial about my experience. The entries got progressively lifeless. People 187 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 1: always talk about what they would do with more time, 188 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,640 Speaker 1: how much they'd accomplish if they didn't have to sleep. 189 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:06,120 Speaker 1: I didn't accomplish anything. I just stared into the dark, 190 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 1: the memory of my nightmares screaming in the back of 191 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: my brain, even though I wasn't sleeping. They hungered for me, 192 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 1: and perhaps I hungered for them, as if I didn't 193 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:23,080 Speaker 1: know how to exist without them. But that's not the 194 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 1: worst of it. As weeks went by, I started going 195 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:33,760 Speaker 1: into trances. The line between reality and not blurred, or 196 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,520 Speaker 1: maybe it's more accurate to say nothing felt like reality 197 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: at all. It felt like dying, like slipping away and 198 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:48,920 Speaker 1: being too tired to care. I tried to knock myself out, 199 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:57,480 Speaker 1: drink myself into oblivion. I try sleeping bills. That's when 200 00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 1: I discovered it. In the darkness of unconsciousness, under the 201 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:11,319 Speaker 1: layers of nightmares, something worse lay in wait, dormant, eager, 202 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:20,760 Speaker 1: a primordial, consuming void. Staring into that was more terrifying 203 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: than any nightmare I'd ever had, a gaping black mall, waiting, hungry. 204 00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,400 Speaker 1: I couldn't look away from it, though I so desperately 205 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 1: wanted to. It was mesmerizing, and its unending nothingness, the 206 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:47,240 Speaker 1: horror of it alluring, tempting, with its dark embraces promised 207 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: of folding you up and swallowing you whole and never 208 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: letting you go. I treated one nightmare for another breed 209 00:13:54,559 --> 00:14:00,839 Speaker 1: of horror. I was so lonely. Even when people were around, 210 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 1: I felt isolated. I felt as though avoided claimed me 211 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:07,800 Speaker 1: for its own, and every second it was eating away 212 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:14,560 Speaker 1: at me, dissolving me until I was immaterial nothing. Sometimes 213 00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: I fantasized about sleeping, about the nightmares. I'd ask people 214 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 1: to tell me about their dreams, and I'd try to 215 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: visualize them, but it gave me no relief. I would 216 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 1: debate about what was worse, horrific images steered into my 217 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:41,800 Speaker 1: brain or nothingness, vast, all consuming nothingness. My mind changed 218 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 1: depending on my mood. Some days I wanted to die. 219 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 1: Oh please, I think, take me and this waking nightmare? 220 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:02,480 Speaker 1: Was it death? Was I seeing the other side? Oh? 221 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 1: Was it my brain misfiring, deprived of its need to dream? 222 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: Or something else? Was it real? The void was silent, 223 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,520 Speaker 1: but it felt like it was screaming. It felt like 224 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 1: if I screamed into it, I would make no sound. 225 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:31,480 Speaker 1: I surrender. I think looking at it a surrender. The 226 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,960 Speaker 1: void wanted me, and I wanted it. The relief of 227 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 1: being nothing was overwhelming. And horrifying in itself. As the 228 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: days went on, I stared into the void longer and longer. 229 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: Nothing else mattered but the void. I'll die and I 230 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:55,400 Speaker 1: don't care. That's the price I paid, the trade I 231 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:59,320 Speaker 1: made for getting rid of my nightmares. Where I once 232 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 1: avoided deep, I now sought it out, an elusive the 233 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: gift i'd forsaken. I'd marvel how I had taken it 234 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: for granted. The researchers sent me a letter months after 235 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:19,040 Speaker 1: the trial. I scanned it. Side effects, hallucinations, psychotic breaks, death, 236 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: a phone number to call, a website to visit. But 237 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,800 Speaker 1: I knew the truth. The medication had unlocked something in me, 238 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:32,160 Speaker 1: something that exists in all of us, the ability to see, 239 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 1: to see the truth of our existence and what we 240 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:44,600 Speaker 1: can expect when it ends nothing, It's all meaningless. The 241 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 1: void waits for me, it waits for you, and it 242 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,560 Speaker 1: will have us, and we will be nothing too. I 243 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 1: am not the architect of my dreams. I'm just like 244 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 1: everyone else who is trying to ignore the reality that 245 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 1: the void is more powerful than any of us. It 246 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:06,439 Speaker 1: doesn't care about any of us. It will devour us 247 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,160 Speaker 1: and everyone we love, and we will all be forgotten 248 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:15,560 Speaker 1: and none of it matters. Anyway, I've seen it, and 249 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,280 Speaker 1: one day you will see it too. Maybe you already 250 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:43,879 Speaker 1: have sweet dreams. And that brings us to the ends 251 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,920 Speaker 1: of the fiction portion of super Void. I can. It's 252 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,399 Speaker 1: funny because I wrote all these pretty like around the 253 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,000 Speaker 1: same time, and I can. I love an ending where 254 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 1: it's like and now you're next, because this is like 255 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,720 Speaker 1: the second one I've done. Also say, you do a 256 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: lot of just like lingering what is Yes, yes, I 257 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 1: love a good like uncomfortable It's coming for you. Yes, Yes, 258 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 1: I write a lot of stuff that I know people 259 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 1: would find annoying because it's exsty and in terribly But anyway, 260 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,840 Speaker 1: so as I said, I really like titles for things 261 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: that are kind of based on technology or or some 262 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,960 Speaker 1: other thing but has what I think a broader cultural context. 263 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 1: So this is actually named after This is a long story, 264 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,880 Speaker 1: but to condense it, I basically got a check from 265 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,679 Speaker 1: a bank that was has super Void over it, and 266 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:45,679 Speaker 1: it was because they couldn't prove I existence. Yes, and 267 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,159 Speaker 1: it's a whole thing. But I remember looking at that 268 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,160 Speaker 1: check and it said super void and thinking do I exist? 269 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:58,399 Speaker 1: What is existence? So that's where the title came from. 270 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,520 Speaker 1: We have talked a lot about how trauma and PTSD 271 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:08,200 Speaker 1: affects sleep and how was this whole story is basically about, 272 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,359 Speaker 1: like the struggle to sleep, and then when you I 273 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:16,879 Speaker 1: guess our idea around sleeping being almost a weakness or 274 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,280 Speaker 1: a luxury or or something or where it's be better 275 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,720 Speaker 1: if we couldn't sleep. But for me, I have this 276 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:27,600 Speaker 1: like flight or flight reflects around sleep. That's my therapist says, 277 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 1: And when she said that, I was like, oh my gosh, 278 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,680 Speaker 1: that is it. That is exactly what I'm talking about, 279 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,160 Speaker 1: because it's less of I can't sleep, you have more 280 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,760 Speaker 1: of like I'm almost there and then my body's like Nope, nope, 281 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: we're not gonna do it. So that's where kind of 282 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,679 Speaker 1: this whole idea came from. And I did struggle. I 283 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,959 Speaker 1: don't have nightmares so much as anymore. We've talked a 284 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,160 Speaker 1: lot about I have really vivid dreams, but um, I 285 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,840 Speaker 1: did have a lot of nightmares when I was younger, 286 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:56,959 Speaker 1: like really vivid nightmares that would make me afraid to sleep. 287 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:01,800 Speaker 1: So that's sort of where that inspiration came from. And 288 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:03,919 Speaker 1: I talked to my parents about it once and it 289 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,920 Speaker 1: was just a weird thing where I could tell they 290 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 1: were like unsure what to do with me or there. 291 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,920 Speaker 1: I was like, I'm happy to I'm telling you I'm 292 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:19,040 Speaker 1: having these dreams and they were kind of like hmm, okay. 293 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 1: And I have never done a sleep study. I have 294 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,880 Speaker 1: a lot of friends who have done it, and they 295 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960 Speaker 1: described it to me, and to me, they kind of 296 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,240 Speaker 1: described what my concern is about it, which is that 297 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:32,160 Speaker 1: you would feel like you're in a horror movie, almost 298 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,439 Speaker 1: like you wouldn't be able to sleep. So that's one 299 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:36,720 Speaker 1: of the reasons I haven't done it. But that was 300 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,119 Speaker 1: awesome an inspiration for this story. And that's not to 301 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: say like there's anything wrong with them at all, but 302 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,520 Speaker 1: just I personally think I would never ever be able 303 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,679 Speaker 1: to relax in a sleep site enough to sleep right. 304 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: I've heard that from different people with different types of 305 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:55,680 Speaker 1: sleep studies, and how you're in a box, you're being watched, 306 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: and also you probably need someone there constantly, Like there 307 00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,360 Speaker 1: were so many things to the sleep study, and I'm 308 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,520 Speaker 1: like you, I had a lot of trauma based sleep 309 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,399 Speaker 1: the services as a kid, and not so much now. 310 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,199 Speaker 1: I still have some stress stuff, but sleepwalking, which is 311 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:16,680 Speaker 1: also a big form of reaction to trauma. And again 312 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 1: my parents not recognizing this, this trauma. She just got 313 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,000 Speaker 1: adopted and she is walking all over the place in 314 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,400 Speaker 1: depth like it's funny right now, but we're also able 315 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,879 Speaker 1: to watch her. But this could have been a sign 316 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 1: that there's a deeper traumatic level, which as an adult 317 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 1: reading about it, I was like, yeah, kids should not 318 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 1: be that highly stressed, and or that there's a sleeping 319 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,919 Speaker 1: disorder that we need to talk about. Yeah, and I 320 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:50,680 Speaker 1: We've done a couple episodes recently about how women who 321 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:55,440 Speaker 1: typically experience higher rates of PTSD and trauma are having 322 00:21:55,520 --> 00:22:00,840 Speaker 1: higher rates of insomnia, are sleeping disruption sleeping disorders, And 323 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:04,720 Speaker 1: I think that that was a part of my whole 324 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: thought process with this, which was there are a lot 325 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,840 Speaker 1: of reasons for this. But when I told people that 326 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,280 Speaker 1: I was having these bad dreams, I was having these nightmares. Um, 327 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,119 Speaker 1: and this kind of ties into recent conversation we have 328 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,080 Speaker 1: about superstition, I was very much dismissed as in, like, 329 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:25,639 Speaker 1: you have no reason to have that, Like, what what's 330 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:31,000 Speaker 1: in your life? What reason could it be that you 331 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,320 Speaker 1: would be having this and just feeling very disoriented about 332 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,879 Speaker 1: it because I was having like I just was whether 333 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,679 Speaker 1: you knew the reason, whether there was a reason like 334 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,160 Speaker 1: I was having them, but it was very much like 335 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 1: to stop it almost yeah, right, And then I guess 336 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,800 Speaker 1: that translates into my fear around fun facts and water 337 00:22:53,840 --> 00:23:00,640 Speaker 1: cooler docs. So yes, this is I help you enjoyoid 338 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:05,440 Speaker 1: this other smitty fiction. Addition, we have a lot more. 339 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,720 Speaker 1: Most of these, I will admit have been kind of 340 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,440 Speaker 1: short horror, single person narration, and that's because I wrote 341 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,159 Speaker 1: a lot of them for that kind of format. But 342 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 1: we have other things coming on the horizon, so look 343 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 1: out for that. Yes. In the meantime, Oh my goodness, 344 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,920 Speaker 1: if you would like to email us any of your 345 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,200 Speaker 1: ideas about what we could do, any like fiction that's 346 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,879 Speaker 1: in the public domain we could read. That'd be awesome. 347 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,639 Speaker 1: You can do that. You can email us at Stuffy 348 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,679 Speaker 1: da mom Stuff at iHeart meat dot com. You can 349 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,879 Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom stuff podcast or Instagram 350 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 1: and stuff I never told you. Thanks as always to 351 00:23:41,359 --> 00:23:46,160 Speaker 1: our super producer Christina. Without these this would be impossible, impossible. 352 00:23:46,359 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 1: She is a magic maker. She is a magic maker. 353 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,439 Speaker 1: And thanks to you all for listening. Stuff I've never 354 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,479 Speaker 1: told you. The production of iHeart Radio. For more podcast 355 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,600 Speaker 1: from my heart Radio, visit the iHeart Radio app. Apple 356 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:05,800 Speaker 1: Podcasts a revular listen to your favorite shows.