WEBVTT - Session 461: New-Age Black Rom-Coms 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:14.480 Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:19.320 conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:22.480 decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:26.600 of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford, 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:32.040 a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 0:00:32.200 --> 0:00:35.600 to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:39.440 at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:43.479 love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:46.400 not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:57.360 a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much 0:00:57.360 --> 0:00:59.520 for joining me for session four sixty one of the 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:02.560 Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:15.120 conversation after word from our sponsors. Y'all know, I'd love 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:17.240 to chat with our producer team about the latest in 0:01:17.319 --> 0:01:20.200 pop culture, and this week we're talking all things the 0:01:20.280 --> 0:01:24.319 Drama and You, Me and Tuscany. For different reasons, both 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:27.399 of these films starring beloved black women have taken over 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:30.479 the conversations we're having on social and in our own circles. 0:01:30.920 --> 0:01:33.360 What do these new age black rom coms say about 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:36.200 how we currently look at love and relationships and who 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:38.640 gets to tell those stories. We get into all of 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:42.640 that and more in today's episode, but first we are 0:01:42.680 --> 0:01:45.480 desperately in need of an emergency pop culture check in 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:49.160 a lot, maybe even too much has occurred. And as 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:52.440 a therapist but also someone who appreciates and loves pop culture, 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:54.600 it wouldn't be me if I didn't dig into the 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:58.240 mental health aspect of all of this. There are spoilers ahead, 0:01:58.600 --> 0:02:00.800 so if you haven't seen the movie, make sure you 0:02:00.840 --> 0:02:03.720 do before you listen to today's episode, and if you 0:02:03.760 --> 0:02:05.800 want to share your thoughts on them, please do so 0:02:05.960 --> 0:02:09.720 on social media using the hashtag TVG in session, or 0:02:09.840 --> 0:02:12.760 join us over in Patreon to talk more about the episode. 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:15.440 You can join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:19.120 dot com. Thank you for indulging in my pop culture musings. 0:02:19.480 --> 0:02:27.440 Now let's get into our conversation. So I am very 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:30.800 excited to be here with Bria, our production assistant, for 0:02:31.040 --> 0:02:34.079 our to be named in the future segment all about 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:37.079 pop culture. It just feels like there's always so much 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:40.520 going on around pop culture that I have some thoughts about, 0:02:40.639 --> 0:02:43.679 particularly this week, and so Bria and I slid into 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:47.120 the booths, so to speak, for an emergency recording to 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:49.120 kind of get some things off of our chest and 0:02:49.160 --> 0:02:51.080 to weigh in on some of the topics that we 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:53.160 know that you are talking about, but of course with 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:57.079 a psychology standpoint. So, Brio, what do we have on 0:02:57.120 --> 0:02:58.600 the list to chat about today? 0:02:59.080 --> 0:03:02.640 For sure is a lot to talk about. First things First, 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:05.880 is the Michael Jackson movie. So, the new Michael Jackson 0:03:05.919 --> 0:03:09.280 movie premiered this weekend. It revisits his rise to fame 0:03:09.360 --> 0:03:13.120 and notably the complicated relationship with his father, Joe Jackson. 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:16.960 The film specifically highlights how Joe's intensity and his push 0:03:17.000 --> 0:03:20.360 for perfection helped create a global icon, but might have 0:03:20.480 --> 0:03:24.480 come at the cost of Michael's childhood and emotional well being. So, 0:03:24.800 --> 0:03:29.079 from your perspective, how do we distinguish between healthy encouragement 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:35.080 as parents in causing emotional and psychological damage? oOoOO, that's a. 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:35.960 Big question, Brian. 0:03:36.080 --> 0:03:37.840 So first of all, have you seen the movie? 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:38.400 Yes? 0:03:38.520 --> 0:03:41.360 I talked, Okay, okay, so I haven't seen it yet, 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:43.440 but my kids really want to see it. Do you 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:45.160 feel like it is PG friendly? 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:46.720 Like, is it kid friendly? 0:03:47.200 --> 0:03:48.920 I would say so, I would say so. 0:03:49.360 --> 0:03:52.600 They didn't touch on a lot of the scandals and 0:03:52.640 --> 0:03:55.040 the things that he was accused of. I think they 0:03:55.080 --> 0:03:57.840 had to actually cut that out, so it took a 0:03:57.880 --> 0:03:59.360 lot of money and time to do that. 0:03:59.520 --> 0:04:03.480 But oh, that was initially included in an estate. 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:06.880 Cut it out, so including that so it really was 0:04:07.000 --> 0:04:10.080 just like him as a child, like how he kind 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:12.280 of stepped to his father and stuff like that eventually. 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:17.080 Okay, Okay, So the question is what's the line from 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:20.000 like encouraging your child to be great and kind of 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:23.880 be a star versus like psychological damage. Yes, exactly, And 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:26.440 I feel like that's probably a pretty well, I don't 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:28.359 know if it's a pretty clear line. I mean, because 0:04:28.360 --> 0:04:31.040 I think when you listen to stories or when I've 0:04:31.080 --> 0:04:33.640 heard accounts of people who go on to have kids 0:04:33.640 --> 0:04:37.279 who are like stars, right like Michael Jackson and Serena 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:39.880 Williams and you know, Tiger Woods, like I feel like 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:43.360 we've heard accounts from their parents who talked about recognizing 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:46.800 that there was something special there very early on, and 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:50.599 that always feels like a struggle for me, because yes, 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:54.159 you may recognize that, like your kid has some particular 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:58.960 skill or talent, but it feels like what happens when 0:04:58.960 --> 0:05:01.359 we push them to this level is that they lose 0:05:01.400 --> 0:05:05.080 like all sense of childhood, right, And so I feel like, 0:05:05.120 --> 0:05:08.320 for me, the line as a psychologist feels very different 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:11.560 given what I know about child stardom and you know, 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:13.600 just like the things that I think are important for 0:05:13.760 --> 0:05:16.520 kids to develop, I don't know that in good conscious 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:19.480 I feel like I could make that decision to kind 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:22.240 of say, Okay, we're going to forego a more classic 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:26.160 childhood to kind of lean into like this, this talent. 0:05:26.920 --> 0:05:30.800 But on the other hand, like these these people may 0:05:30.800 --> 0:05:32.760 not have developed into who they were going to be 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:34.640 without this. But I feel like there has to be 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:37.719 a line of Okay, we can lean into their greatness, 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.800 but it doesn't have to teeter then onto psychological damage, right, 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:43.040 Like yeah, kay, we sign up for the extra practices, 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:44.800 we let them do the singing classes, we let them 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:48.120 perform or whatever. I think Joe Jackson is a special 0:05:48.240 --> 0:05:52.240 kind of for sure, you know, outlier, right, because I 0:05:52.240 --> 0:05:54.840 think it wasn't just about like leaning into his greatness, 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:57.080 Like there was also like accounts of abuse and like 0:05:57.160 --> 0:06:00.320 you know, really went to far. So I think there's 0:06:00.320 --> 0:06:02.640 a way to kind of lean into your child's special 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:04.960 talent and gifts and kind of allow them to share 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:08.360 that without it becoming an abusive situation. But I think 0:06:08.400 --> 0:06:12.680 the greater question is what is the line around leaning 0:06:12.720 --> 0:06:15.400 into a talent and then how much of their traditional 0:06:15.520 --> 0:06:19.839 childhood is robbed by always being in a practice, always performing, 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:23.119 always doing those kinds of things. And as somebody who 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:25.840 knows enough about mental health to kind of know where 0:06:25.839 --> 0:06:27.560 that line is, it feels like it would be a 0:06:27.600 --> 0:06:31.120 no for me. But I am curious to hear about 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:34.960 from other parents maybe who have recognized that your childlike 0:06:35.120 --> 0:06:38.040 is great at something. What is the line for too 0:06:38.160 --> 0:06:39.960 much for you? I'd love to hear because I don't 0:06:40.000 --> 0:06:42.359 necessarily have a definitive answer just what I think I 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:43.279 might do for myself. 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:44.080 Yeah. 0:06:44.240 --> 0:06:46.640 No, that's great, and I think it kind of opens 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:49.919 a broader question also because in that same vein, what 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:52.880 are some of those long term emotional effects where you're 0:06:52.880 --> 0:06:56.280 growing up in an environment where the love might feel conditional, 0:06:56.520 --> 0:06:58.800 or on achievement of how well you two, whether in 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:01.680 school or events or with your talents too. 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:03.159 That is such a good point. 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:05.200 I hadn't even thought about that, right, I mean, you know, 0:07:05.200 --> 0:07:07.480 because I think we know the stuff around kind of 0:07:07.560 --> 0:07:09.679 people feeling like their childhood is arrested. 0:07:09.720 --> 0:07:10.880 So this arrested. 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:13.360 Development kind of thing, right, like you almost stay the 0:07:13.440 --> 0:07:16.239 age that you were before, like all this stardom happened, 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:19.640 And so we know that there tends to be difficulty 0:07:19.720 --> 0:07:22.720 connecting with peers because maybe they have not been able 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:25.960 to develop like those kinds of relationships skills with their peers. 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:28.520 But I hadn't even thought about the idea that once 0:07:28.600 --> 0:07:31.000 your child is maybe like bringing in a stream of 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:34.680 income and if the family is dependent on this income, 0:07:34.720 --> 0:07:36.960 then how does that change your relationship to your child. 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:38.320 That's a very different kind of thing. 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:40.280 And I think that's a part of the conversation people 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:44.360 are often having with like child influencers or like children online, right, 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:47.360 like should your child and like who they are and 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:49.400 their interests be the thing that keeps the lights on 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:51.800 for the house. And I think that that probably is 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:54.400 a very unhealthy kind of dynamic because now you have 0:07:54.560 --> 0:07:58.600 moved into an employer employee relationship as opposed to like 0:07:58.680 --> 0:08:00.640 parent child, which is very different. 0:08:01.400 --> 0:08:03.640 Yeah, no, that makes a ton of sense. Yeah, all right, 0:08:03.680 --> 0:08:05.600 let's move on to our next topic. 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:07.160 We had to touch. 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:09.520 On Meg Thee Stallion and Clay Thompson. 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:14.920 So Meg the Stallion shared your Instagram this weekend that 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:18.440 she was cheated on by Clay Thompson. Now, this comes 0:08:18.480 --> 0:08:21.600 after several challenging years for Meg. She lost her mother 0:08:21.680 --> 0:08:24.480 a few years ago. She went through a very highly 0:08:24.560 --> 0:08:29.119 publicized dramatic event with Tory Lanes as well. It's honestly 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.880 sparked a lot of conversations about emotional resilience when life 0:08:33.000 --> 0:08:35.679 just keeps delivering setbacks, because it seems like one thing 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:40.000 after another with her. From your perspective, what happens psychologically 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:43.520 when someone experiences repeated emotional hits back to back. 0:08:45.360 --> 0:08:47.360 So can I just start by saying I was so 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:52.600 heartbroken by this news crush, not necessarily because relationship goals 0:08:52.640 --> 0:08:55.800 or anything, but just because it felt like Meg genuinely 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:59.040 was happy, yeah, and finally felt like she had some peace. 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:02.000 He introduced her to his family, and you know, like 0:09:02.040 --> 0:09:04.880 you mentioned, like we all know the story of her 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:08.360 parents dying very early, and it did kind of feel 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:11.200 like she was getting the support system and like the 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:14.800 kind of sarrogate family so to speak, that she no 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:18.600 longer had with her. And so I think, just given 0:09:18.800 --> 0:09:21.440 all of the things we know, even publicly right like 0:09:21.559 --> 0:09:24.040 there's probably still tons that we don't know, but with 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:27.240 the Tory Lanez case and her family members dying, like 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:32.720 she has had an incredibly difficult several past couple of years, right, 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:36.080 and so to have this now a heartbreak on top 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:37.959 of all of the things when it finally felt like 0:09:38.000 --> 0:09:40.840 maybe things were turning her corner, just it just was 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:43.120 heartbreaking because she just seems like such a sweet spirit 0:09:43.200 --> 0:09:45.720 and like so fun and like just a sweet person, 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:49.160 and so have something like this happened so publicly, I 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:51.960 think it's awful. Not that private would have made it better, 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:54.880 but publicly definitely does not help. And so I think 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:58.000 when you think about like resilience, I feel like, at 0:09:58.040 --> 0:10:01.200 a certain point, like we've developed it enough, right, like 0:10:01.440 --> 0:10:05.079 repeated awful things happening, Like I feel like, at some point, 0:10:05.160 --> 0:10:08.280 like your bounce back factor, which is what resilience is, like, 0:10:08.320 --> 0:10:10.640 you've had enough, and I feel like Meg has had enough. 0:10:11.080 --> 0:10:14.520 And so when you think about what happens after you've 0:10:14.520 --> 0:10:17.560 had repeated traumatic experiences, I think it is very easy 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:21.719 to like withdraw, especially in romantic relationships. Who would want 0:10:21.720 --> 0:10:23.080 to sign up for something like that again? 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:23.480 Right? 0:10:23.480 --> 0:10:25.800 So I think it probably changes the way you relate 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:29.120 in terms of romantic partners or even interest in doing that. 0:10:29.800 --> 0:10:33.239 I think that that it also could be a questioning 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:36.280 of like am I doing something to continue to end 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:38.200 up in this case, and Meg, if you happen to 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:40.920 listen to this, there is nothing that you are doing 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:43.920 in anybody, right, Like, when awful things happen, it can 0:10:43.960 --> 0:10:46.720 be really easy to turn inward because we don't often 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:48.839 have a lot of other answers, right, and so a 0:10:48.880 --> 0:10:51.800 lot of times we turn to the easiest, most accessible thing, 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:54.560 which is picking apart our own behavior. And so I 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:58.120 think you can sometimes see some damage to self esteem, 0:10:58.400 --> 0:11:02.720 to feelings of worth and worthiness, some feelings of there's 0:11:02.720 --> 0:11:05.680 something that I'm doing like I'm broken or I'm defective, 0:11:06.160 --> 0:11:08.319 which is often not the case, right, Like we can't 0:11:08.360 --> 0:11:13.040 internalize other people's bad decisions and poor behavior. That's what 0:11:13.240 --> 0:11:15.840 comes to mind for me with this case is that 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:17.480 I hope that she does not think that this is 0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:20.760 something about her or something that she did that would 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:23.920 result in this person also not being honest and not 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.960 being maybe who he presented to be to her. 0:11:27.160 --> 0:11:29.400 He touched on it on a little bit already. But 0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:31.400 if you could call Meg on the phone right now? 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:34.079 What would you tell her? Because I think that when 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:37.280 you're trying to give advice, how do people build resilient 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:40.400 or stay strong when they're constantly in this mode of survival? 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:43.600 Yeah, I think I would start by just saying I'm 0:11:43.600 --> 0:11:46.960 so sorry that this happened, and feel awful that you 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.920 find yourself in this situation again, but that there also 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:52.720 is no pressure to be strong, because when you have 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:56.080 had awful things happen repeatedly like this, then I think 0:11:56.120 --> 0:11:59.000 most people would find themselves falling apart, which is totally okay. 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:03.120 It's okay for us have human reactions to human experiences, 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.640 and this is a very sadly human experience, especially given 0:12:06.679 --> 0:12:09.480 all the things that Meg has experienced. If you don't 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:11.600 feel like you want to be strong, I think that 0:12:11.600 --> 0:12:14.320 that is okay, and strength actually probably is not going 0:12:14.400 --> 0:12:16.480 to be doing you any favors right now, right Like, 0:12:16.480 --> 0:12:19.240 it's okay to just feel the weight of how awful 0:12:19.280 --> 0:12:22.480 and sucky it is to have a heartbreak, to lose 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:25.480 somebody who you felt connected to both him and his family, 0:12:25.920 --> 0:12:28.800 and to maybe feel maybe embarrassed, like whatever it is 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:31.679 you are feeling, it is completely okay to feel that 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:34.520 and to just allow yourself to feel that, but also 0:12:34.559 --> 0:12:36.760 hope that you have a support system who can rally 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:39.760 around you and give you the space to grieve and 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:42.120 to do what you need to do to move through this. 0:12:42.840 --> 0:12:44.840 I agree, Yeah, I hope she takes a break soon 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:46.920 because she was performing I'm. 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:49.160 Broad away like yesterday, I was like, you should take 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:49.640 some time. 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:51.040 Yeah, definitely. 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:55.080 Well, our last topic of the day is all about 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:57.960 Summer House, So we're entering Bravo Land. 0:12:57.800 --> 0:12:58.400 For this one. 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:02.160 For a little bit of con text, someone named Sierra 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:06.439 Miller and Amanda Batula. They were on this show called Summerhouse. 0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:09.880 There is a situation where Sierra was dating a man 0:13:10.480 --> 0:13:13.720 and they decided it wasn't working. She ended up cutting 0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:17.360 it off, and then now a couple of years later, Amanda, 0:13:17.480 --> 0:13:19.920 who is very close friends with Sierra by the way, 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:23.560 is now dating the same set man. It sparked a 0:13:23.600 --> 0:13:28.880 lot of conversation around the tensions of loyalty and boundaries 0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:31.959 and how friendships can even survive fallouts like this. 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:34.840 So, how do you get to a place. 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:38.600 Of honoring your emotions and healing when any opinions of 0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:40.160 others you don't deserve it? 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:43.000 Well, why wouldn't she deserve it? First of all, So 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:45.079 I do not watch the show. Though I'm a fan 0:13:45.160 --> 0:13:47.160 of some Bravo shows, I have not seen this season 0:13:47.200 --> 0:13:51.640 of Bravo Summer House. So did Sierra and Amanda? Did 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:54.640 Amanda start dating this guy when Sierra and the guy 0:13:54.679 --> 0:13:56.800 were still dating? Like, is this a cheating kind of thing? 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:58.640 Or is it like, oh, we've been broken up for 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:01.120 two years and now she's dating him they. 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:02.640 Were broken up for a few years, and let me 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:06.560 like reword the question. So essentially Amanda has come forward 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:06.920 or no. 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:08.120 There was some leaked. 0:14:07.840 --> 0:14:11.200 Audio of the reunion and there's been like a lot 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:14.880 of conversation that Amanda has been like, oh, well, you know, 0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:17.720 this is just like what the heart wanted and I'm 0:14:17.720 --> 0:14:20.640 in love. How can you even deny that? I think 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:22.520 paraphrasing paraphrasing. 0:14:22.080 --> 0:14:24.400 But that's essentially what the gist is giving. 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:28.280 So I think it's more so like honoring your emotions 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:31.720 of this is how you feel, versus do you actually 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:33.800 deserve to feel that way? Because that's your friend, right 0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:37.960 from this woman, this white woman's perspective, Well. 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:41.320 Right, because that's the other nuance to this, right is yes, 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:43.600 heah as a black woman and Amanda. 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:43.960 Is a white woman. 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:47.000 Feelings are valid, right, Like, so if you feel like 0:14:47.200 --> 0:14:50.360 you were in love with this man or whatever, okay, 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:53.880 Like we can acknowledge that maybe the feelings existed, but 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:56.040 do we need to act on all of our feelings? 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:57.920 And I think that that is the question. And so 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:00.640 when I think about like being a girl girl and 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:04.640 like girl code, like anybody who my friend who has 0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:08.320 dated like you basically don't exist to me anymore, like 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:11.240 after that relationship is over, and so you know, like 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:13.360 I guess I could see a situation where maybe you 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:15.720 develop feelings, but I feel like the friendship has to 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:17.360 be stronger. 0:15:16.920 --> 0:15:17.800 And is it worth it? 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:20.480 Right, Like there are no shortage of random men you 0:15:20.480 --> 0:15:22.800 could be dating. So I do think it questions the 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:26.720 loyalty and the like, where does your allegiance lie if 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:30.200 a couple of years after the breakup? Now, especially if 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:32.600 this was a significant relationship. This wasn't like a one 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:34.600 time like oh, we went to dinner and got some 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:37.480 appetizers and you know it was a loose kind of 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:39.760 thing Like this sounds like we have a significant relationship 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:42.480 that she probably cried to her friend about and like 0:15:42.560 --> 0:15:46.480 she knew intimate details, and so to me, a pre 0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:51.160 existing relationship with a girlfriend supersedes any kind of like, 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:55.120 oh I got feelings for this person because my girlfriend 0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:57.840 was there first. So I think it is like, yeah, 0:15:57.880 --> 0:16:01.000 you can be loyal to your feelings, acknowledge that maybe 0:16:01.040 --> 0:16:03.200 you have some feelings, but I don't think we have 0:16:03.280 --> 0:16:05.440 to act on all of our feelings. And in the 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:09.440 situation of dating a friend's X, I just don't think 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:10.960 that that's aligned that should. 0:16:10.680 --> 0:16:11.440 Ever be crossed. 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:14.800 Absolutely, and you touched on the nuance a little bit already. 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:18.640 But Sierra is a black woman and Amanda is a 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:21.840 white woman, and I think from the leaved audio there's 0:16:21.880 --> 0:16:25.480 been a lot of conversation on is she actually responsible 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:29.040 for concealing those feelings? But I feel like that same 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:32.560 grace isn't really being extended to Sierra. It's almost an 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.440 expectation that like, Okay, if that was really your friend, 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:38.240 you should be glad that she's happy now, Like there's 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:40.280 been a lot of conversation on social media that isn't 0:16:40.600 --> 0:16:43.400 exactly aligned like with what I risally. 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:47.000 Would feel about it. But from your perspective, how do 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:48.240 you release. 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:50.960 That expectation to take everything on the chin, especially when 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:54.440 you're experiencing a lot of hur I think from Sierra's 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.160 point of view, I think everyone's kind of picking sides 0:16:57.240 --> 0:17:00.360 right now, and there's almost this expectation as a women 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:03.680 that like, your feelings don't matter, Like maybe this person's 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:04.880 feelings take priority. 0:17:05.240 --> 0:17:06.879 So how would you naviget that? 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:09.439 Yeah, I don't think she needs to take anything on 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:11.760 the chin, right, I think historically black women have had 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:13.520 to take a lot on the chin. And something that 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:17.200 is such a personal attack or is such a personal experience, 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.359 like your friend dating your ex, Like, who wouldn't be 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:22.800 upset about that? I mean, I guess maybe some people 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:26.240 wouldn't be, but I think most people would feel some 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.680 kind of way about it. Now, some people might eventually 0:17:29.720 --> 0:17:32.639 get to a place where they're like, oh, you know, okay, fine, 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:34.560 like we are done and it's okay for you to 0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:37.960 do that. But I think most of us would feel 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:40.159 some kind of way about a friend dating an ex. 0:17:40.520 --> 0:17:42.560 And so again, you know, just like we talked about 0:17:42.560 --> 0:17:44.600 with Meg, like it's okay to have a human reaction 0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:46.919 to a human experience, and so if you are hurt, 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:49.920 you don't do yourself any favors and you're healing any 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:51.800 favors by like trying to suck it up and like 0:17:52.160 --> 0:17:55.040 pretend like it's okay. Or I understand why she might 0:17:55.040 --> 0:17:57.240 not want to be super vulnerable on the internet, and 0:17:57.280 --> 0:17:59.760 you know, social media definitely doesn't deserve that. But in 0:17:59.760 --> 0:18:02.639 her private circles, I hope that she is able to 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:04.840 talk about how much it sucks and that she's. 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:05.480 Not okay with it. 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:09.000 And I don't think that she should lean into the like, oh, 0:18:09.040 --> 0:18:11.560 I'm okay with it if she actually isn't, just so 0:18:11.640 --> 0:18:14.240 that like people won't paint her as a villain, because 0:18:14.240 --> 0:18:16.440 it's likely people are doing that anyway, just because she's 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:19.320 a black woman. Yeah, Like you know that, people and like, 0:18:19.520 --> 0:18:22.480 narratives are often fun to make black women the villains 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:25.200 in a story, and in this case, I don't think 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:26.800 she is, and so I don't think that there's a 0:18:26.840 --> 0:18:29.320 reason for her to kind of lean into that or 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:32.239 leaning into forgiving her moving past it if she is 0:18:32.280 --> 0:18:33.560 not actually ready. 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:33.679 To do that. 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:36.720 Definitely, I could talk all day about how black women 0:18:36.760 --> 0:18:46.159 are treated on reality TV, but the conversation. 0:18:43.040 --> 0:18:45.119 A couple of episodes, so we maybe do for another 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:47.840 one soon. So thank you so much for sharing Thoseria. 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:50.600 I definitely had some thoughts and clearly have lots of 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:52.120 thoughts around pop culture stuff. 0:18:52.160 --> 0:18:53.200 But if there's something that. 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:56.240 You see or watch in the world, then you would 0:18:56.400 --> 0:18:58.040 like us to weigh in on for this to be 0:18:58.200 --> 0:19:01.280 named segment of our culture to talk, please send that 0:19:01.359 --> 0:19:03.200 to us. You can send it to us at Therapy 0:19:03.200 --> 0:19:05.840 for Blackgirls dot com slash mailbox and let us know 0:19:05.880 --> 0:19:08.200 what you are paying attention to and we might include 0:19:08.200 --> 0:19:11.400 it in a future segment. Also, if you have ideas 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:13.720 for what we should call this segment, what name should 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:15.240 we give it. If you can think of a catching 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:18.080 name for this segment, let us know that too. Again, 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:20.200 you can share that in the mailbox at Therapy for 0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:22.720 Blackgirls dot com slash mailbox, or you can leave it 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:25.000 in an Instagram comment send us a DM. We are 0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:30.800 checking all of those. Oh well, I am very excited 0:19:30.840 --> 0:19:32.880 to be back with the team today for another one 0:19:32.880 --> 0:19:35.360 of our pop culture conversations always. 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:36.040 Some of my favorites. 0:19:36.320 --> 0:19:39.200 So we will do quick introductions so that people who 0:19:39.240 --> 0:19:41.000 have not met the team can read the team. So 0:19:41.000 --> 0:19:41.720