Speaker 1: Welcome back to another pisode that for me? This I mean,
Speaker 1: how's Kevin? Is that right now? Okay? Yeah, I can
Speaker 1: be there at night. Sure, yeah, I'll see there o ja.
Speaker 1: But I digress. Let's meet a shower you no particular
Speaker 1: or let's quickly check in with Christoph Varado for his
Speaker 1: two dog park report Coach, I haven't been in a minute.
Speaker 1: Turns out the baseball dad's are not happy with us
Speaker 1: letting our dogs run around because it's not an official
Speaker 1: dog park. The other day, and I quote, a large
Speaker 1: dad said to one of the dog owners, if you
Speaker 1: if you're this is this true? This is exactly what
Speaker 1: he said. If your dog bites my kid, I will
Speaker 1: kill you and your dog. Interesting, that was the order,
Speaker 1: you know, the the threat usually starts with the potentially
Speaker 1: lesser b you heighten you, you'll be dead, and then
Speaker 1: I'll go down the left. Yeah, because sharped me. I
Speaker 1: don't really give a ship what you do with my dog,
Speaker 1: to be honest with. Oh wow, um, look over there,
Speaker 1: it's James Ceeney, jangled up and chains. Jimmy, what would
Speaker 1: you do to have a cat? A case of hash
Speaker 1: Brown's delivered in one hour In one hour I would
Speaker 1: make all of the scenes get wrapped up as fast
Speaker 1: as I could so I could answer that door without
Speaker 1: interruption of the podcast. Fair uh and and now please
Speaker 1: welcome back Jackie again, Zalez de Ruther back Jay Jackie.
Speaker 1: What makes the best damn guawk in Los Angeles? Who? Not? What?
Speaker 1: Who makes the best damn guawk in Los Angeles? That's
Speaker 1: a very good question, because I love glack and I
Speaker 1: feel like it's hard to miss. It's hard to not
Speaker 1: enjoy a glock, and I don't think that I've ever
Speaker 1: had one that blue. I fucking mind being said. Actually,
Speaker 1: I fucking hate this restaurant, so I don't want to
Speaker 1: give them any good press. There is a restaurant that
Speaker 1: based good walk, but I'm not going to mention their names.
Speaker 1: Did they fire me for asking to get paid as
Speaker 1: much as the men who did my job? Yes? They did. Well,
Speaker 1: now we need to know the name of them is
Speaker 1: so that we can all shoot on them. What's the
Speaker 1: chat on them? One here? Before? I mean, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I've been fired from a lot of restaurants, yes, and
Speaker 1: all for different egregious regions. Well, I talk very strange,
Speaker 1: if not competitive. I've never been fired. Oh I think
Speaker 1: three or four. And let me say from those experiences,
Speaker 1: I quit one after like during my training, like after
Speaker 1: two days of training. They were like, hey, um, so
Speaker 1: you have your second I was like, yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: coming and they're like what, and I was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm done. I don't like the culture at your restaurant, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna there. Those two days were horrible and
Speaker 1: they were like, oh, well, Jacqueline, I don't want to
Speaker 1: tell you what to do as you're an adult woman.
Speaker 1: But and then like, yeah, it was really weird. I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, um, yeah, I'm not coming in. But
Speaker 1: there's nothing more freeing, Like I've never felt better in
Speaker 1: my life than to be like, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: not going to work at this fucking like hell hole.
Speaker 1: I'll work at another hellhole. Good for you, the hell
Speaker 1: with that, and thank you for that. And I still
Speaker 1: think we should share the name just so we can
Speaker 1: all shoot on them together. But I'm not gonna I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna put that on you. You'll you'll, I'll write
Speaker 1: it somewhere on a piece of paper and we'll get
Speaker 1: out there if you'll let um and last last already
Speaker 1: no no, I can't be last penultimate. Where's Chris Alvarado
Speaker 1: in you? We got the dog? We got me? Oh,
Speaker 1: here we go, Craig Atkowski. When do you know when
Speaker 1: the small talk is done? Oh? I guess now. I
Speaker 1: thought we were just chatting, but then it turned all serious.
Speaker 1: I do want to say, I do think it's a
Speaker 1: basic human right to be able to choose your own
Speaker 1: hell hale. Yeah right, that seems like a very basic
Speaker 1: human right, all right? And now last, but seven fish
Speaker 1: in your bath if you think him least it's Mark Gagliardi.
Speaker 1: Hello Linguini lover. Where am I gonna get the best
Speaker 1: pizza in this damn town? Uh? Best pizza? And last,
Speaker 1: it depends on what you're looking for. If you want
Speaker 1: a Chicago style pizza, you go to Masa and Echo Park.
Speaker 1: If you want a New York style pizza, you go
Speaker 1: to Pizza Bella, which is in the back of a
Speaker 1: liquor store at the corner of Hollywood and UH or
Speaker 1: Franklin and Highland. I realized that the back of a
Speaker 1: liquor store is a strange place to get a pizza,
Speaker 1: but it is wonderful pizza. There's also garage pizza, which
Speaker 1: is very good. My friend Jason Batton, who used to
Speaker 1: work with me at Pizza Bella, started that place. Uh.
Speaker 1: He has a big sign over the door that says
Speaker 1: we import our water from New York. He does not
Speaker 1: import his water from New York. But people go there
Speaker 1: because there is a sign that says that he imports
Speaker 1: his water from New York. But it is a fantastic
Speaker 1: pizza pizza. I can't believe, you know, garage pizza. Garage
Speaker 1: pizza is fantastic. Yeah, I love him. Yeah, the the
Speaker 1: misnomber of the the New York style pizza being best
Speaker 1: only in New York because of the water there. Jamie
Speaker 1: and I got to see the original owner and operator
Speaker 1: of Joe's Pizza in New York. Um. He now has
Speaker 1: several locations in Los Angeles because he moved to Los Angeles,
Speaker 1: his first one being in Santa Monica. It's still there,
Speaker 1: I think on Broadway around second and Um. Jamie asked him,
Speaker 1: so do you import the water from New York? And
Speaker 1: he said, I used sent him on a of water.
Speaker 1: What's the matter with you? What this is not the water,
Speaker 1: It's not the word. Yeah, he was not affecting of voice.
Speaker 1: He's actually from Italy. So here we go. Let's do it,
Speaker 1: m show shout. We all of our scene suggestions gather
Speaker 1: from your listener emails or from our patron v I
Speaker 1: ps to become a patron supporter of the show and
Speaker 1: Joe exclusive content like standalone bonus scenes, video of our
Speaker 1: Zoom recording sessions, or at the highest level of alcomniac,
Speaker 1: you could be like two of our alcomniacs who are
Speaker 1: joining us in zoom right now. That's right. You can
Speaker 1: come and hang out in the Zoom. There's a little
Speaker 1: meet and greet beforehand and at the conclusion, and otherwise
Speaker 1: you're just hanging with us as two are, and that
Speaker 1: would be Mr Prado and Ms Ashley Um. We're hanging
Speaker 1: up with us today. Head don't know what the patron
Speaker 1: dot com slash Alchemy there. If you'd like to suggest
Speaker 1: a scene suggestion via email, please do so all. I
Speaker 1: love to read them, Chris loves to log them. I think,
Speaker 1: head on over to uh write us at alchemy this
Speaker 1: email at gmail dot com. That's Alchemy. This email seen
Speaker 1: one comes to patron v I P. Courtney R. Who wrote,
Speaker 1: hey there, Kevin Um or whomsoever reads this on the air.
Speaker 1: Now there's no air. You guys rock keep kicking ass
Speaker 1: and making laughs. By the way, my favorite Kings English
Speaker 1: spelling of the word favorite part of being a patron
Speaker 1: member is the alcaminnis. Thank you James Heeny for creating
Speaker 1: that universe um and continuing to do so. Just imagine
Speaker 1: a distilled third of an episode with all the usual laughs.
Speaker 1: You can imagine how that alone is worth the price
Speaker 1: of a cup of coffee. Oh that's very very sweet
Speaker 1: of you, Courtney. Are on the meat of the onto
Speaker 1: the meat of the mail. My scene suggestion is the
Speaker 1: welcome wagon. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, and big big love from the UK. Courtney
Speaker 1: will who neu. I'm so nervous, so nervous. I'm excited
Speaker 1: and nervous. I'm excited and nervous. I could be both
Speaker 1: at the same time. And excited ner I'm excited and hungry.
Speaker 1: I'm so hungry when I'm so excited, I'm so so hungry.
Speaker 1: But I think I'm gonna go I think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say welcome or like or you've arrived you love that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say hey there, everybody, Hey there. Maybe get like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, meatballs on Texas toast. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to
Speaker 1: say welcome. You're gonna go hey there, Oh, this is god,
Speaker 1: this is scog and then we're gonna let them know
Speaker 1: how stringent this program really is. We have rules, we
Speaker 1: have protocols, and if they break them, they will break
Speaker 1: them them. That's good, but that's why he came here.
Speaker 1: Welcome there, this is my printed I'll receipt, and there's
Speaker 1: a barcode at the bottom. I'm jacky, I'll take that.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Actually, we have rules here, and if
Speaker 1: you break them, we break you. Oh wow, this is
Speaker 1: this is serious, I guess y retreat. Oh, you've agreed
Speaker 1: to not consume anything but water and the food that
Speaker 1: we provide you, which is mostly okay. Now, I'm going
Speaker 1: to get into shape by the end of this. That's
Speaker 1: up to you. That's up to you. We will be
Speaker 1: having meatballs on Texas toast. That is not for you.
Speaker 1: That's a little bit of what I like to call
Speaker 1: temptation temptation Island. Welcome to temptation Island. When we welcome
Speaker 1: there into that pen and wait around with the other piggies. Okay,
Speaker 1: what's most important to us is that you come out
Speaker 1: of here stronger in the mind. Your body means nothing
Speaker 1: to us, but your brain means everything to us. I
Speaker 1: paid to have my body chiseled into better shape. You're right.
Speaker 1: Let me just be honest. Then I did. I did
Speaker 1: bring some boost with me. I didn't think that that
Speaker 1: had calories in it. Okay, yeah, again, dry, I didn't know.
Speaker 1: I didn't know. Okay, we have to give you a
Speaker 1: nickname before you enter the pen. I'm gonna call you
Speaker 1: um slops, perfect slops. So what nickname did they give you? Razor? Razor? Yeah,
Speaker 1: they gave me razor. When why do you think that
Speaker 1: that one? Probably because I'm sharp. You know, usually the
Speaker 1: term is sharp as attacks, so you I would think attack,
Speaker 1: But Razor, did you shave when you were there? Uh?
Speaker 1: I didn't do. I look like I've got some stubble. No,
Speaker 1: you look like you don't have stubble, which is making
Speaker 1: me think you shape while you were there. Oh? Um, okay,
Speaker 1: because you don't believe racers and they call me slops. Okay,
Speaker 1: I got the nickname below, honey, not slops. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: So that one went well. I think this next one
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be less, less, joyful, more not stirred. I
Speaker 1: don't want to be mean your business off the top,
Speaker 1: business off the top, but then maybe joyful at the end,
Speaker 1: little at the end, and they feel good about being
Speaker 1: here for an entire fifteen days. Hi, hello, hello, hello, Hi.
Speaker 1: I have a piece of paper with a barcode on
Speaker 1: the bottom. I'll take that. Uh oh okay, um, well
Speaker 1: my my name's my name is Dave. Um not anymore. Dave.
Speaker 1: Let me you that we have rules here and if
Speaker 1: you break the rules, will break you. This This is
Speaker 1: a this is an aggressive way to begin a retreat.
Speaker 1: Well that's how we decided to do it this time.
Speaker 1: And no, I don't know if it's a misstep. I
Speaker 1: mean you, you've been doing the ear wasay, sir, right,
Speaker 1: and look at you and at you And I didn't
Speaker 1: even want to I didn't even want to come. My
Speaker 1: kids made me come. I didn't even want to be here.
Speaker 1: And and it's already starting off with such hostility. You
Speaker 1: know what, I think I'm gonna go. I think I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go. No, No, let's me lay eyes on you.
Speaker 1: You can't leave that's one. That's one of the rules.
Speaker 1: What what None of this was in the website. Third
Speaker 1: rule is if I can lass at you, keep you here,
Speaker 1: I go. Why don't you name him? Why don't you
Speaker 1: don't give him a nickname before I sent him into
Speaker 1: the pens. Absolutely, I'm going to call him cheeks cheeks. Hi.
Speaker 1: Checking in my barcodes on my phone. Welcome, you need
Speaker 1: scor no no no, Um your shirts off and I
Speaker 1: could see your six pack. Um, yeah, Sin is glowing.
Speaker 1: You look extremely hydrated. I'm one of the instructors. Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, and you guys are a couple of piggies,
Speaker 1: a couple of little piggies getting the pig pan. O.
Speaker 1: What do you mean? You know what I mean stuff
Speaker 1: because it's temptation for everyone else. I mean, we are
Speaker 1: hearing is on, going, going, going, going. Look my cereal
Speaker 1: bowl of cook right. Your name is Wilbur. Your name
Speaker 1: is Wilbur, and your name is sal. I'm sucking with you, guys.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, wait, oh my god. So you don't
Speaker 1: work here. No, I do work here. I was working
Speaker 1: with you when I said again in the pig pen. Okay,
Speaker 1: you've really messed with our mentals, and now I feel weak.
Speaker 1: Did Jerry send you? I mean, what what? What's this text? Jerry?
Speaker 1: I thought he owned this establishment. I'm Jerry, Guys, I'm
Speaker 1: oh my god, Jerry, you're a couple of little piggiest
Speaker 1: piggies in the Jerry, please, my kids sent me here
Speaker 1: for a fifteen day retreating. It's been three years. I
Speaker 1: haven't seen the light of day. I I don't, I don't.
Speaker 1: I've withered away to nearly nothing. I've cleaned everything you
Speaker 1: have to clean. I've I've buffed every every inch of
Speaker 1: your car. I don't know what else I can do
Speaker 1: to get to leave this place. Jerry, please, Okay, I
Speaker 1: heard that as snort, snort, snort. I'm not a pig.
Speaker 1: I'm a human. Jerry. Let me let me see your abs.
Speaker 1: I mean, if I lift up my shirt, you can
Speaker 1: actually see my heart beating. Okay, I have no muscle
Speaker 1: power left, so you won't see abs. But if I
Speaker 1: if I suck in my breath really hard, you you
Speaker 1: can see my individual vertebrae. Do you think you're ready
Speaker 1: to go home? I'm so. I've been ready to go
Speaker 1: home for two years, three hundred and fifty days. Well, um, hello, Hi,
Speaker 1: did you need to talk to Ashley? I'm I'm her boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Do you did you need something here? Can't keep it down?
Speaker 1: Did you need something? You're my wife? Was a Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, this is weird. Hi, Okay, yeah, I'm a
Speaker 1: story I was told was your kids sent you away
Speaker 1: to a piggy camp and then you pick that you
Speaker 1: became an actual pig. So I met actually at church
Speaker 1: and now we have sex every day. I just want
Speaker 1: to see my family, sir. I can see Why is
Speaker 1: your shirt moving? Because you can see my heart through
Speaker 1: my shirt and my skin. I'm who's at the door?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, Oh my god? Is that my Brian?
Speaker 1: Is that my little Brian? Brian? Come here, someone's here
Speaker 1: for you. Hi, Hi, Brian, It's it's Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's me your dad, It's it's it's not it's Jack.
Speaker 1: I'm not Jack Skellington. No, No, my name is Cheeks.
Speaker 1: He's gone. He's gone. Um look, man, I don't know
Speaker 1: what to say to you. Son of a you, son
Speaker 1: of a bitch. We're doing the right thing with these camps, right,
Speaker 1: I'm not seen. Scene two comes from patron Alcmaniac Kevin
Speaker 1: Product who wrote way back in February, how about it's
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day Eve and the chocolate bandit is up to
Speaker 1: no good? Audios. Well, listen, I made reservations at a restaurant,
Speaker 1: as I do every year. I got you flowers. I
Speaker 1: got you a heart shaped box of candy. I don't
Speaker 1: know what else it is I can do hunt you.
Speaker 1: You know, every year it's a fucking disappointment. And every
Speaker 1: year I think I'm gonna get it right this year,
Speaker 1: and I suck at this. So can we not fall
Speaker 1: for this holiday made up by the Hallmark organization? I love? Well,
Speaker 1: it's like I'm talking to myself. Well, you're talking to
Speaker 1: your wife and her sister. So if she's not going
Speaker 1: to speak up, I will. Why don't you not? Why
Speaker 1: don't you not be one of those guys that says
Speaker 1: it's made up by Hallmark? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: And just use this day as a day to just
Speaker 1: thrust and spray and splush love all upon your wife. Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: I'm all about the thrust thing and this s in
Speaker 1: this playing, especially this playing. Um, but why only once
Speaker 1: a year? Why not once a month? Great question? Now
Speaker 1: I could let your wife speak for herself. She wants
Speaker 1: to h Darling. Nope, she's not ready and that's her choice. Now,
Speaker 1: you didn't just marry her, you married into the family.
Speaker 1: And you know we have three sisters. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: call out team and out Tina. Tina has a couple
Speaker 1: of words on her thoughts on Valentine's Day, Right, Tina,
Speaker 1: you want to talk to me about Valentine's Day? I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't now he thinks that it's a it's a
Speaker 1: it's a fake holiday made up by a big corporation. Really,
Speaker 1: like saying Valentine didn't even exist, like he's not the patron,
Speaker 1: saying of love, like Cuban doesn't wields an arrow, Like
Speaker 1: all of that isn't true. Let's not even talk about
Speaker 1: the Valentine's Day bunny who drops off chocolates at everyone's doorstep.
Speaker 1: That's the bunny. That's the bunny I want to talk about. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't seem to get this chocolate thing right. Well,
Speaker 1: I can give you one hint. If you don't believe
Speaker 1: in the chocolate laying funny, it won't come. Sure, But
Speaker 1: is there a difference between like say, Whitman's Sampler and Russell.
Speaker 1: That's that's your wife. You know what, are you gonna
Speaker 1: say it? Okay, I'm just gonna say it. I am
Speaker 1: really upset. I thought that you'd be able to turn
Speaker 1: this holiday around. Do you remember the last time you
Speaker 1: got me chocolate? Charles? Um, yes, I do remember. It
Speaker 1: was just and I presented it to you and I said,
Speaker 1: Charles chocolate. Yeah. It was Christmas. It was an advent
Speaker 1: calendar and it was filled with catshit. Now it ended
Speaker 1: up looking like cat shit. I don't know if it's no, no,
Speaker 1: no ship sold I don't know. But this was supposed
Speaker 1: to be a big day. It's Valentine's Day, and you're
Speaker 1: not even gonna make up for the I'm gonna let
Speaker 1: my sister's hand. No no, no, no, honey, honey, States
Speaker 1: Stays Stays. Talk to me, listen. I'm I'm sorry that
Speaker 1: I can't get behind this annual fucking celebration of nonsense.
Speaker 1: I love you every single day of the year. If
Speaker 1: you need me to prove it more often, I'm also
Speaker 1: down with that. I just don't want to give into
Speaker 1: big business and big corporations. That's all. That's all I'm fighting.
Speaker 1: You don't want to you don't want to give into
Speaker 1: big business. And you buy your toilet paper? Where do
Speaker 1: you where do you buy? Where do you buy all
Speaker 1: your food? And how about those those clothes you're where
Speaker 1: your clothes that you're fully closed? Sir? Did you make
Speaker 1: that yourself? Did you make that camera outside? Is that
Speaker 1: the first of all? That's camera? Don't you talk badly
Speaker 1: about that? Okay, listen, Charles, today is Valentine's Day eve.
Speaker 1: That means you have a handful of hours to make
Speaker 1: this right. Yes, so thanks for getting to me early
Speaker 1: to make sure I didn't funk it up yet Again,
Speaker 1: that's appreciated in the pool. We will be in the pool,
Speaker 1: of course, so you are a last minute too, huh yeah? Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean why does CVS even sell Valentine's Day Ship?
Speaker 1: I know, I know it's a made up They always know,
Speaker 1: they always they know when it is. They know everything
Speaker 1: CVS no everything. I mean, have you seen the Russell
Speaker 1: Stover ever go over? Well? How are they in business?
Speaker 1: I don't know. There's a Whitman sampler. How is Russell
Speaker 1: Stover still in business? Heart shaped box? Did you ever
Speaker 1: last minute? Or Russell Stover? I mean, there's no quicker
Speaker 1: way to break up any relationship. You guys need help
Speaker 1: find anything? Yes, yes we do. Thank you. If anything
Speaker 1: we have is on the shelves, that that is your help.
Speaker 1: That is the help. Yeah, yeah, I mean whatever what
Speaker 1: you see is what you get. Can you help me
Speaker 1: behind the lock and key so I can get some
Speaker 1: advl PM about that? Scott, Um, I have to get
Speaker 1: a manager. You don't have a key, um not to
Speaker 1: the aville. How long have you worked for Scott? Scott?
Speaker 1: How long have you worked just a second, Scott, answer
Speaker 1: me seven years? Seven years? And at what point do
Speaker 1: you think they're going to give you a key? Um
Speaker 1: m from now? Yeah? I I caught a bust with
Speaker 1: three transfers while you thought about your answer. Okay, a
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day present. No, I needed to talk to you.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, you the Easter Bundy. I got some words
Speaker 1: for you of of the volatized day chocolate Bunny. You
Speaker 1: you're messing all all night. You're messing up all my all,
Speaker 1: your what, all your fucking what what am I messing
Speaker 1: up for you? You come days in advance of me,
Speaker 1: days months even. You are John the Baptist to my Christ.
Speaker 1: You know that you are the You are the herald
Speaker 1: of what of chocolate to come. That's what you are.
Speaker 1: You know what people don't write. You know whose la
Speaker 1: People don't sit on the chocolate Bunny. That's whose laugh
Speaker 1: they don't sit on. You know why? You know who
Speaker 1: they wanting to see. They're wanting to see Cupid on
Speaker 1: Valentine's Day, not the chocolate Bunny. A second tier and
Speaker 1: that's why we're kicking you out. I'm second tier because
Speaker 1: of you, because you've stole my whole thing. I've been
Speaker 1: here for the very beginning and you didn't come here
Speaker 1: until after Jesus died. I've been here BC baby, So
Speaker 1: technically the whole bunny thing is mine. The bunny thing
Speaker 1: is yours. The chocolate Bunny free dates, Christianity, free dates,
Speaker 1: sake Valentine's Day. Oh hi, Charles, I'm sorry about earlier
Speaker 1: when me and my sisters were getting on you. I
Speaker 1: just got out of your pool. Do you have a
Speaker 1: you have a towel because right now I have no
Speaker 1: towel on it. You came down to the pool without
Speaker 1: a towel. Yeah. Hey, I know we're hard on you,
Speaker 1: just you know, I want what's best for my sister.
Speaker 1: Are we gonna again. Is that what this is about.
Speaker 1: That's what I would like to happen. That's what I
Speaker 1: was hoping what happened? And you know, I just put
Speaker 1: that I put on a show. I put on a show.
Speaker 1: Yeah you do, and it's a great show. And I
Speaker 1: don't know why we yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay, So stay
Speaker 1: in the pool. I'm gonna go get my suit and
Speaker 1: then we're gonna do pool sex. Tina's still in there,
Speaker 1: so can we pretend like we're wrestling or something and
Speaker 1: do that? Okay, let's Tina cannonball. I was trying to
Speaker 1: keep my hair dry. Why it looks so cute when
Speaker 1: it's wet. I know, but the chlorine is bad for
Speaker 1: my color, and I need I need this amber to stay.
Speaker 1: I know you do, You're like really needed to stay.
Speaker 1: I really do, because me as my original blonde. It's
Speaker 1: dusty and I just look like a little sad mouse
Speaker 1: and I want the dust fire. The phone is for Tina.
Speaker 1: The phone is for Tina. I'll tell hey, Tina, there's
Speaker 1: a phone call for you, apparently on that on the
Speaker 1: landline in the house. Oh no, yeah, I brought you
Speaker 1: a towel if you wanted to just go get the phone. Mmm.
Speaker 1: I have this kind of thing where I'm like, no
Speaker 1: phones on weekends. You know what I mean? If you
Speaker 1: need business hours because I don't have a job, so
Speaker 1: I need something to do during the week days. Right, Well,
Speaker 1: it might be a job on the phone. But if
Speaker 1: it's she doesn't need the phone, and we could just wrestle,
Speaker 1: but it wouldn't be weird. Scott. Can you come here
Speaker 1: for a second. Yeah, I have a seat in this chair, Yes, Scott,
Speaker 1: in this chair, Scott, I'm getting Oh. I just couldn't
Speaker 1: keep it off of my face, could i? Scott? You
Speaker 1: waited seven years in an additional eight and there it
Speaker 1: was the day cool. But first you must answer these questions. Three. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna place this box right in front of you.
Speaker 1: The keys to the advil PM are in this box. Scott. Okay.
Speaker 1: Your first question, if a customer comes in and can't
Speaker 1: find what they're looking for, what do you do? And
Speaker 1: Thomas on the shelves. That's the correct answer. Your second question,
Speaker 1: if it's not on the shelves and they still want it,
Speaker 1: what do you do? They say, how good you have
Speaker 1: a manager, but they never do That's the correct answer, Scott.
Speaker 1: The third question, Scott, what's your biggest dream to print
Speaker 1: the longest receipt of all time? You know what, Scott,
Speaker 1: this key is yours. It's inside this box, and I
Speaker 1: will give you this box in eight years. What but
Speaker 1: you hold onto this case, Scott, Oh, so tell me
Speaker 1: all about it. What did Charles do for you last night? Well? Um,
Speaker 1: the truth, he really was. I don't know. It seems
Speaker 1: like he was glowing at the beginning of the night.
Speaker 1: He just radiated like we were it kind of like
Speaker 1: he usually does after we had sex a long time ago. God,
Speaker 1: those were the days. But then he fell asleep pretty promptly.
Speaker 1: So that's why I'm packing all of my things. I
Speaker 1: think I need to move in with you and Tina.
Speaker 1: That's a good idea. I think it's a great idea.
Speaker 1: That's a great idea. Yeah, for sure, that's a good idea.
Speaker 1: We do have another roommate, though, you do. It's not
Speaker 1: just me and Tina. Well, I don't I know about
Speaker 1: this well, because some people treat it's a little different, Lee,
Speaker 1: But it loves us just as much as we love it.
Speaker 1: You know what, I'll stop beating around the bush. This
Speaker 1: is chocolate Bunny. Hi, Chalco Bunny, This is my sister.
Speaker 1: It's so nice to me. I can see the resemblance.
Speaker 1: You all look so much alike. Oh my god, my
Speaker 1: husband was right about what it is a knockoff holiday.
Speaker 1: Look at her. You're supposed to be. You're supposed to
Speaker 1: be the chocolate barring from Valentine's. Yeah, the chocolate buddy
Speaker 1: from Valentines. I have polka dot patches on my hip
Speaker 1: and elbow. I have a peak, fuffy screen generic and
Speaker 1: I'm looking for name brand. You know you see that
Speaker 1: car outside? Um, yeah, it's and it's special. You know
Speaker 1: it's name brand. It's name brand, and you you're They
Speaker 1: should have come up with something different. You know what
Speaker 1: name brand is Santa? What named brand does Santa? Christmas?
Speaker 1: Bitch Christmas? Don't don't hurt you're wrestling me. You're biting
Speaker 1: the chocolate are delicious? Hi on what can I find
Speaker 1: neo sporn? You know sporing? Yeah? Where can you find it? Yeah? Um,
Speaker 1: I'll four if we have it. If we don't, then nowhere.
Speaker 1: M hmm. What time do you get off? Never? I'm
Speaker 1: always here, but if I don't leave, um, I mean
Speaker 1: technically we're open, so we can't do anything about it. Okay, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: m hmmm, I guess let this walk around. Then I'll
Speaker 1: see you a little bit. Um, if you need any
Speaker 1: of the good chocolate, we have an under lock and key.
Speaker 1: Now that is seen too. Scene three comes from listener Katie,
Speaker 1: who wrote, I love you also very much? Is it
Speaker 1: weird when people say that? I'll leave some space for
Speaker 1: your response. Um, do we think it's weird when the
Speaker 1: listeners say they love us? I don't think that's weird.
Speaker 1: I think it's incredible. I love it. Yeah. I mean
Speaker 1: we should start naming the ones we love individually. Blanket.
Speaker 1: I think a blanket we love you all two is
Speaker 1: kind of instantly horseshit I recognizably is she goes on. Okay,
Speaker 1: my suggestion is a rule I remember from preschool. You
Speaker 1: know what. I'm sorry, I said she I don't know
Speaker 1: what Katie identifies as Katie goes on. Okay, my suggestion
Speaker 1: is a rule I remember from preschool. No sharing snacks
Speaker 1: unless you brought enough for everyone. Sincerely, Katie in Sacramento, California.
Speaker 1: What do you What are you eating for lunch today? Human?
Speaker 1: But of course right we eat human for lunch every day, right,
Speaker 1: But I mean, is there a lunch pail or something
Speaker 1: that you could open up and we could maybe share
Speaker 1: or swap some items. Oh, here we go. You didn't
Speaker 1: pack a very good lunch today, and you want to trade?
Speaker 1: I mean I don't. I don't pack it. My mom does,
Speaker 1: so I'm always looking a get rid of it. Well,
Speaker 1: let's see what I have in mind. I mean, what
Speaker 1: kind of trades are we talking here? Whatever you want
Speaker 1: to maybe get rid of. Let's see what's in here?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I got a construction worker in here.
Speaker 1: Looks pretty good, you know. Still are they still wearing
Speaker 1: their hard hat? They're still wearing their hard hat? Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: but you can take it off. It's you know, like
Speaker 1: you don't eat the peel on a banana or you know,
Speaker 1: and not normally. But um, once I did so. Um
Speaker 1: what else? I got a construction worker? I have? I
Speaker 1: have a pair of teachers. They share a class They
Speaker 1: used to share a classroom together, you know, before they
Speaker 1: climbed up here and everything. You know, Curiosity gets the
Speaker 1: better of everybody. I guess, yeah, I might want to
Speaker 1: swap for one of the teachers. What do you have
Speaker 1: in yours. Yeah, I got a balloony sand much and
Speaker 1: apple slices. You've got a bologna sandwich and apple slices. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's so exotic, isn't Yeah it sounds good. Let me
Speaker 1: take a look. I mean they're teeny tiny slices already brown. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: what what? What? What? What? What? What? We weren't doing
Speaker 1: any what? What? Oh? You weren't doing anything. No, we
Speaker 1: weren't doing anything. It's just we're just having our lunch.
Speaker 1: Do I need to point out the rules of Mountaintop
Speaker 1: Elementary to YouTube? Right? Yes, all of them read it
Speaker 1: to us. I'm not I don't work for you. I'm
Speaker 1: the teacher here. Okay, yeah, Mrs Cresterton my favorite student. Yes,
Speaker 1: actually verify that these little giants, we're trying to share
Speaker 1: snacks and they didn't offer me anything. And you know
Speaker 1: I got a big football game later. I need the fuel.
Speaker 1: He needs the fuel, These little and these little giants
Speaker 1: no better. Number four states no sharing snacks. Read it
Speaker 1: with me, you or everyone? Yeah, football head, you want
Speaker 1: some stitches to go with that snack? Yeah, you can
Speaker 1: take what you think, baby, lineout principle, it's a principle.
Speaker 1: Oh no, Oh he's I think he's just walking by.
Speaker 1: Oh no, he's coming in. He's coming in, he's coming in.
Speaker 1: He's here. Hello children. For somebody sharing snacks without bringing
Speaker 1: enough for everyone? I mean no truth. I mean I
Speaker 1: I just had my lunch. If there's a bloomy sandwich
Speaker 1: and apple slices and everything, is this a human child?
Speaker 1: Biggest human child? It was hard to determine the difference
Speaker 1: between a little giant and a big human child? Big
Speaker 1: human child. I was told I was big for my age,
Speaker 1: but you are big for your age. Would you like
Speaker 1: an apple slice? Sir? Apple slice? For what floss? Am? I? Right? Principal, Harry,
Speaker 1: I brought an give me a pound, you're a kiss ass, Principle.
Speaker 1: Perhaps we could have a a parent conference with this
Speaker 1: child's parents to see whether or not he is human
Speaker 1: or a little giant. Well that's fine, okay, but I've
Speaker 1: got to go to my office to see my sketching.
Speaker 1: So what was the first day like in this exchange program?
Speaker 1: I mean, you don't seem like you had a very
Speaker 1: good day at school, sweetheart. It's not that I didn't
Speaker 1: have a good day, It's that I didn't understand most
Speaker 1: of everything, and I don't think I was looked at
Speaker 1: as an equal or I belong. And also, I'm sure
Speaker 1: you're jill self conscious about it. You're going to have
Speaker 1: to learn a lot about a new culture. We start
Speaker 1: with the apple slices. Please, I think if I'm gonna
Speaker 1: fit in, you need to put your back into it. Really. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but instead of phoning in packing my lunch, well, I
Speaker 1: thought that it was good. And I know you're busy,
Speaker 1: and I know you have a lot of responsibilities what
Speaker 1: with me as an only child, and you know you
Speaker 1: work at home, but maybe you could start quote unquote
Speaker 1: kicking some ass. I mean, that's not the way that
Speaker 1: we do it here at the Feldman's house. We're kind
Speaker 1: can I also ask how much longer will be at
Speaker 1: the feldman So let me get this straight, big kid,
Speaker 1: you're part of an exchange program. Are you telling me
Speaker 1: there's a lot of big people like you that live
Speaker 1: somewhere else? I find that very hard to believe, right, classmates, Yeah, okay, Well,
Speaker 1: first of all, we live at the Feldman's. Oh you're back?
Speaker 1: Oh okay, Sorry, I got confused, Okay, because I thought
Speaker 1: the oh, never mind, it's it's him. Okay were you Yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: I'm big kid. I'm big kid. Now I have a name.
Speaker 1: I don't know what to call you. Monstro, Monstro, Montro.
Speaker 1: Why is there ooze and guts stripping out of your
Speaker 1: lunch bag? Why is your lunch bag so big? Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's bigger than a house. Well, it's got to be
Speaker 1: that big to contain the humans I eat for lunch.
Speaker 1: What are humans for lunch? That's gross, that's illegal. Well,
Speaker 1: my cop, I didn't ask to be bust to this school. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're part of it. You signed up for the exchange program. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I guess so, but I didn't. I specifically didn't has
Speaker 1: to be bust. Alright, fine, you're here. So what's one
Speaker 1: thing we could teach you about way we do things?
Speaker 1: And one thing you could teach us? What do you
Speaker 1: want to know about us? Oh? We could teach him
Speaker 1: the hokey pokey. Oh yeah, I love the hokey pokey.
Speaker 1: Watch the hokey pokey. It's a dance. It's really easy. Okay,
Speaker 1: you two are cute, you said at the same time.
Speaker 1: Shut up, God quit. It's really easy to put your
Speaker 1: right hand in okay o oh no, Monstro, I would
Speaker 1: like to see the principle right now of this giant school. Okay,
Speaker 1: be careful to take me to the principal police. Okay,
Speaker 1: just give me one second. You'll know when he's coming.
Speaker 1: Un principle, we have, Um, it appears to be a
Speaker 1: piste off human who wants to speak to you. Get
Speaker 1: ready for this. It's pretty wild to me. I'm used
Speaker 1: to it because I'm also big. I'm a teacher here,
Speaker 1: so you can come right in. Oh, okay, you can
Speaker 1: just head it, head up. I'm just just right around
Speaker 1: the corner, yep. Okay, um, but but let me let
Speaker 1: me quickly. I gotta run down the hall and use
Speaker 1: the use the bathroom first. See that that is that's
Speaker 1: pretty char That is pretty hope. He's back, he's big. Okay.
Speaker 1: That that was the fastest I've moved in years. Ah,
Speaker 1: you must be the problem. You must be the human
Speaker 1: mother father, father, father. It doesn't matter, though, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter. Listen, we don't have here in giant land,
Speaker 1: thank god, because I would like to not be compared
Speaker 1: to giants. All right, it doesn't matter. I want you
Speaker 1: to start treating my kid with respect. I caught my
Speaker 1: child sneaking back into the other school because they didn't
Speaker 1: feel accepted here. Really, well, look, I'll have you know
Speaker 1: that my own son, Monstrou is part of the exchange program. Uh,
Speaker 1: here's a here's a picture. He doesn't he doesn't fit
Speaker 1: in the frame. That's just a picture of a Torso
Speaker 1: that's that's a portion of my son. So I can
Speaker 1: I can identify now. I guess what you could do
Speaker 1: is help me out as a dad. How can I
Speaker 1: prepare my kid to fit in? I brought I sent
Speaker 1: apple slices in Bologna, and all of a sudden, I'm
Speaker 1: a bad guy. I will working dad. So I understand
Speaker 1: you're staying with the Feldman's. They're really kind there awkward,
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't know how long we're gonna be there.
Speaker 1: They're they're big donors to the Giant School. So um,
Speaker 1: they have both human and giant blood. So you know
Speaker 1: that they're a big part of of doing this exchange.
Speaker 1: I thought they were just tall, but that makes sense. Well,
Speaker 1: if if your trial brings apple slices, it's got to
Speaker 1: be enough to share with the entire classroom full of
Speaker 1: little giants, and they would take an orchard. Well, O,
Speaker 1: Hey Brian. Heidi, Um, that was really cool doing the
Speaker 1: hokey pokey earlier. Um, just real quick, I know you too,
Speaker 1: or like whatever? But um, Heidi, Monstro wants to know
Speaker 1: if you want to go to the dance with him?
Speaker 1: What what Heidi's Heidi's micro? Where's monster to talk to him?
Speaker 1: Right now? Hold on, hold on, calm yourself, cool man,
Speaker 1: what do you think? What do you think you're gonna do? Too? Monstro? Also,
Speaker 1: what about Heidi's choices? Heidi? Um, yeah, I am well
Speaker 1: it's interesting because I really like your personality and I've
Speaker 1: known you for way longer. Did she answer you? I
Speaker 1: want to go to the dance and put my whole
Speaker 1: self and my show. You just you just stepped in Heidi.
Speaker 1: O peel her off of my boot. I'm so sorry, Hid,
Speaker 1: I understand. Oh man, Now I can't go to the
Speaker 1: dance at all. My limbs are flattened like pancakes. Talk.
Speaker 1: What are you gonna do with that rock? What do
Speaker 1: you think you're gonna do with that rush? Quiet? He's
Speaker 1: not looking. Give me a sling shot? What give me
Speaker 1: your sling shot? It's yeah, all right here it is. Thanks.
Speaker 1: Let me inflate you again, Heidi, my first kiss. That's
Speaker 1: our show. Wow, that is the sweetest and saddest first
Speaker 1: kiss I've ever heard. Yeah, sweetest and sadness. Um, let's see,
Speaker 1: should we This is the normal time we say goodbye,
Speaker 1: but I'm wondering. As a special gift to the Alca maniacs,
Speaker 1: I think we have one left, we invite Kevin Prato
Speaker 1: into the zoom for the goodbyes. The problem is that
Speaker 1: recording the recording. Yeah, it up, he's not in the
Speaker 1: zen caster. Sorry, Kevin, hold hold your horses. Damn it,
Speaker 1: I never remember how this works. Yeah. That really was
Speaker 1: a sweet, silly, funnier though. Um. All right, we'll start
Speaker 1: our thanks with James, since he was so very kind
Speaker 1: to point out once again how I ruin everything. You
Speaker 1: don't ruin anything, Kevin. You give it a little special flare.
Speaker 1: I think there's just enough time if you go online
Speaker 1: to west Side Comedy dot com and buy your tickets
Speaker 1: to see Alchemy This Live. It's on Sunday, April third.
Speaker 1: I know I had it right. It's the Sunday eight pm.
Speaker 1: Come check it out. We're gonna record live. We'd love
Speaker 1: you to be there. Uh yeah, go to the website
Speaker 1: if you can in time and check, because I think
Speaker 1: we're on earlier than eight o'clock because we insisted on
Speaker 1: going on before the stand up show, and I think
Speaker 1: April's when we start doing that, so but you'll you'll
Speaker 1: know that. And thank you for the plug, James. That's
Speaker 1: very hopeful. Mark Gagliardi, Yeah, man, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1: You guys are so fun. Uh, this was a delight.
Speaker 1: Listen we got this. Yeah, we got this with Mark
Speaker 1: and hell please listen to that podcast. And Mark, you
Speaker 1: were at one of the live shows, in fact, the
Speaker 1: last one at the stage there at the West Comedy Theater.
Speaker 1: You can tell the folks just how damn fun it is, y'all.
Speaker 1: It is such a delight. It is in beautiful Santa Monica, California.
Speaker 1: It's a beautiful theater. Everyone that works there and attends
Speaker 1: the shows is beautiful. And when you come see the show,
Speaker 1: you will be beautiful too, not that you aren't already,
Speaker 1: but you'll be even more deluxe beautiful. And the bonuses
Speaker 1: you get to enter through the urine soaked alley. That's true,
Speaker 1: the beautiful urine soaked alley. Yeah, that right there in
Speaker 1: Santa Montica, thank you Mark, first of all, Toronto. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, speaking of that show, I was, I was
Speaker 1: just looking around our Patreon page and I came across
Speaker 1: the video that James posted and I watched a few
Speaker 1: minutes of it. Really funny, dio. Mark cracked me up
Speaker 1: when you called in Batman into into the office because
Speaker 1: he was moonlighting as a therapist. You had to be there,
Speaker 1: or if you're a Patreon member, you can go watch
Speaker 1: it right now. Is that right, James, that's absolutely right.
Speaker 1: We're all on stays, Caroline, Conner and Mark and it's
Speaker 1: a it's a good time. Was It was fun to
Speaker 1: watch that video. Thanks for doing that, James. And also
Speaker 1: um Kevin Prado, like Kevin Pollock, I'm with you. That
Speaker 1: would have been a cool idea to have him in
Speaker 1: at the end. And I wouldn't have remember the zen
Speaker 1: Caster audio situation either. So I'll just say thanks againing
Speaker 1: Kevin Proddo for being here, for being a supporter, of
Speaker 1: being a friend, perfect, Thank you, uh an O, g Alcmaniac,
Speaker 1: Jackie Gonzalez to Ruth Yo yo, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for being here. Thank you for having me. It's always
Speaker 1: very fun and very silly and Uh, I like. I
Speaker 1: like being here. It makes me happy for the rest
Speaker 1: of my day. Well, thank you, And where might folks
Speaker 1: find you? I'm not Jackie to Ruthy on Instagram and
Speaker 1: I'll post things there of shows and stuff. Well see,
Speaker 1: and I'm I'm tricky on too. When this, you know,
Speaker 1: when we record, it's a little different than when it airs,
Speaker 1: usually a week. Yeah, you're so in advance. Well, if
Speaker 1: you went to to a live show last week and
Speaker 1: saw me. Thanks, Um. I can't think of anything in
Speaker 1: the in the future future, just this weekend. It's well,
Speaker 1: you're officially invited to join us April three if you'd like. Oh,
Speaker 1: no pressure, just the invite, just float that. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: know I need someone to sit in for me because
Speaker 1: I'll be in New York. But we'll talk about this
Speaker 1: off the camera and recording device. Yeah, she likes it.
Speaker 1: I mean, hey, Mikey, she likes it. Uh, James Ceney,
Speaker 1: I thank you. I think I thanked everyone. Yeah, sweet, um,
Speaker 1: let's thank you. Mr Doug Bane, the engineering producer to
Speaker 1: the start. I heart Media. I'm your host. Kevin pobably
Speaker 1: remind me to please be kind to each other. Go
Speaker 1: out of your way. If you can let somebody know
Speaker 1: it's okay, it's gonna be okay, or it was okay.
Speaker 1: I tell everyone you've ever known all about us until
Speaker 1: next time.