Speaker 1: Well, welcome back to amiss. I'm your host. Kevin is
Speaker 1: that yes, I will see the Batman in the theater
Speaker 1: next week, but also no, I will not condone it
Speaker 1: being a three hour superhero film. But I digress. Let's
Speaker 1: meet our come, shall we in no particular order. Let's
Speaker 1: quickly check in with Chris Alvarado for his Q one
Speaker 1: of report. Captain Alvarado, Holy ship, we are making bucks
Speaker 1: bucks Bucks bucks. Q one beat Q be the other
Speaker 1: tool until you know the numbers. But all I'm saying
Speaker 1: is we're looking good. We are. We are in the red, green, black.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. Chris. Hey, there's Craig Kakowski. Kacow,
Speaker 1: what is an item in your home that you've never
Speaker 1: used and if honest most likely never will look behind you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll let that be. We'll let that be video only.
Speaker 1: So uh so people, the people merely listening can use
Speaker 1: their imaginations. But yeah, there's a way one. But it's
Speaker 1: very prominent in the house. Like I don't I don't
Speaker 1: know where I would put it even right, the perfect
Speaker 1: spot for it clearly has already been chosen. Yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: if you're gonna block a door, what else would you
Speaker 1: use Look over there, it's James Heeney Duke Johnson. James.
Speaker 1: If you could have only one flavor of ice cream
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life, what will it be?
Speaker 1: It's easy. There's only one flavor ever buy. It's peanut
Speaker 1: butter chocolate caramel. First of all, I love that combination.
Speaker 1: But I am very very sad that you only allow
Speaker 1: yourself one flavor. You're entire Okay, Actually I can't believe it.
Speaker 1: I lie that I buy other ones, but that's thee
Speaker 1: I buy for me. I also buy a mint chocolate
Speaker 1: chip that's for Aaron. I also enjoyed the other flavor
Speaker 1: I get. You got the two covered, and now please
Speaker 1: welcome back. A tool sing, a tool way better than
Speaker 1: the tool. Favorite class in college and why uh it's
Speaker 1: financial accounting. Actually had a great professor, Professor Jennings um
Speaker 1: he Actually I believe he won a professor award that year.
Speaker 1: Uh is very exciting. I love Yeah, I love the books.
Speaker 1: And uh, I knew exactly what Chris was talking about
Speaker 1: when he was talking about He was probably talking about
Speaker 1: Q one Q one, but he could also compare to
Speaker 1: Q four. It depends on which quarterly system Chris is on,
Speaker 1: which is also a good question. What was that professor's name? Again?
Speaker 1: Who professors? And he won the award like a like
Speaker 1: a teacher of the year in the business school award. Yeah,
Speaker 1: a professor award the profits. It's been so long and last,
Speaker 1: but no more trips to Catalina. If you think at
Speaker 1: least it's Mark Gagliardi, Hello grab bag Leardi. Can you
Speaker 1: explain nutella? Please? Yes, nutella. Imagine if peanut butter and
Speaker 1: Hershey's syrup instead of being layered, we're just massed together
Speaker 1: by a five year old and just like and then
Speaker 1: finger painted on top of a bagel. That's what you
Speaker 1: put it on, right, a bagel. I mean, I've seen
Speaker 1: it on so many things. I just never understood it's
Speaker 1: fair because it's a faint it's a faint taste of
Speaker 1: like a hazel nut. Not really. They say hazel nuts spread,
Speaker 1: but it is clearly chocolate frosting with a hint of
Speaker 1: hazel It does confuse me. It's wildly popular, clearly, it's
Speaker 1: been around for for decades, but I never understood the
Speaker 1: all in commitment to hazel nut. Though I'm a hazel
Speaker 1: nut fan. The coffee I people make fun of me.
Speaker 1: I only buy flavored coffee. Uh, and I frequently get
Speaker 1: the hazel nut. It's just that that little hint. I
Speaker 1: just like that little hint. Like I said, it's a
Speaker 1: wildly successful company and they and it's all based on
Speaker 1: people's enjoyment of hazel nut. I just didn't realize. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, when pitching to let's get on with the show.
Speaker 1: All of our scene suggestions are gathered from your listener
Speaker 1: emails or from our patron v I p s to
Speaker 1: become a patron supporter of the show, enjoy exclusive content
Speaker 1: like standalone bonus scenes we or a video recording of
Speaker 1: this very session, or at the highest level of the
Speaker 1: Alco maniac you could join one of these zoom sessions,
Speaker 1: as we did earlier today with three a Maniacs. That's right,
Speaker 1: that was so much fun. They really was um and
Speaker 1: we're gonna do a lot more of them on a
Speaker 1: continuing basis. We'd love to hear from you. But if
Speaker 1: you do want to support through the Patreon, just go
Speaker 1: to patron dot com slash alchemy. This it's that simple.
Speaker 1: But if you'd like to just send in a scene
Speaker 1: suggestion any old time or a comment or a question
Speaker 1: about I don't know James Heney's attire right to us
Speaker 1: at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. It's Alchemy
Speaker 1: this cemology, wow, Greig. Scene one comes from listener, in fact,
Speaker 1: Eric Johnson, who wrote to us at that very email.
Speaker 1: Dear Mr the Kevin Pollock, I just started listening to
Speaker 1: the newest EPP of Alchemy this. I paused it right
Speaker 1: after you told listeners me to send in more email suggestions.
Speaker 1: So here's another email for you to not read on
Speaker 1: the podcast in your face. Eric Johnson got him bamn.
Speaker 1: Scene suggestions, Turtles on vacation, lots of love the real
Speaker 1: Eric Freemont, No, not Fremont, Alabama. Honey, did you get
Speaker 1: the Chase Lounge? Did you reserve the chaise Lounge? Yeah? Okay,
Speaker 1: because you know if we don't do it early before
Speaker 1: the sun comes up, then the fucking humans come down
Speaker 1: and there's no more Chase lounges. We got it, We
Speaker 1: got it, Okay, baby, babe, this isn't inclusive resort. I
Speaker 1: need you so don't tip, no tipping, no nothing. I
Speaker 1: want you to not worry about finances for once. Okay, listen,
Speaker 1: you already won, Professor of the year. I got my profits,
Speaker 1: So now is your time to just relax. I can't.
Speaker 1: And even if we see if we see a couple
Speaker 1: of humans, they're gonna want to pick you up, touch you,
Speaker 1: so be it. I can't stop counting the number of
Speaker 1: professors that did not win the prophet I know, I
Speaker 1: know we need to be Oh look, look, look, look,
Speaker 1: here comes some complimentary cabbage. Good morning. How do you
Speaker 1: do this morning, professor babe? Mr honey, Yes, you're saying
Speaker 1: cabbage for you? And can I get you any drinks
Speaker 1: to start your morning off right? Do you have any
Speaker 1: pound water? I can get pound water for you, no problem.
Speaker 1: I'm curious what's a lava flow? What exactly is that?
Speaker 1: A lava flow is a drink. It's I hate to
Speaker 1: say this because I don't want to be accused of favoritism,
Speaker 1: but a lava flow is really a drink that we
Speaker 1: only serve to the humans here only only specifically it
Speaker 1: is for the humans. I apologize. It is a delicious drink,
Speaker 1: but baby, it might be bad. It might be bad
Speaker 1: for you. Well, I did pay for the inclusive, the
Speaker 1: all inclusive, and attempt to get a drink, and I'm
Speaker 1: hearing exclusive. I'm just telling you that it is in
Speaker 1: fact bad for you. There is a there's an ingredient
Speaker 1: in a lava flow that is that is fatal to turn.
Speaker 1: Everyone clearly knows what's best for me, even though I've
Speaker 1: got a profitt and I can't imagine you. They'll take
Speaker 1: He'll take a seltzer. Thank you. I would be right back. So, um,
Speaker 1: the main thing is make sure the cart is right
Speaker 1: outside the room you're cleaning. People like to take stuff
Speaker 1: right off of it. The lotions. That's probably the number
Speaker 1: one thing that goes all right, and but doesn't even matter.
Speaker 1: It's like free, right, yeah, but it's like it can't
Speaker 1: be that expensive. If somebody wants an extra lotion, if
Speaker 1: they want extra, and of course we'll give it to them,
Speaker 1: uh turrell. But we don't want to just encourage people
Speaker 1: to take as many all right. I mean, I just
Speaker 1: I wanted to work outside. There's a whole bunch of
Speaker 1: areas outside this dungee halls aren't cool? Tell me about it.
Speaker 1: Get some sunshine. Hey, sorry you guys, you're blocking my door.
Speaker 1: I'd like to get into my room. Are you cleaning
Speaker 1: my room right now? Is that what's happening. We were
Speaker 1: just about to oh those lucians, Yeah, yeah, please takes
Speaker 1: wonder if I can grab a couple of Yeah, I see,
Speaker 1: there's already four on your table there. This will make six.
Speaker 1: You do not need to know what I'm doing with him? Nope, okay.
Speaker 1: I made sure that when I checked in we don't
Speaker 1: have to share what we're doing with the luc See
Speaker 1: the device in the back corner of your room, so
Speaker 1: I won't ask any further questions. I appreciate that very much.
Speaker 1: If you like kickboxing, let me know. All right, Well,
Speaker 1: do have a good afternoon part of me? Did you
Speaker 1: want to enjoy it? That's accusing by yourself? Or can
Speaker 1: I join? Is that my husband's self up there? And
Speaker 1: I just just gonna no, no, no, please please? Oh okay,
Speaker 1: oh out she it hurts so good. It's It's odd,
Speaker 1: isn't it? Guy? Isn't it so? I could not have
Speaker 1: noticed your a turtle? Yes? Yes, and you human? I'm
Speaker 1: a human. Yeah, mostly mostly humans here, but there are
Speaker 1: some uh you know, sentient animals here. Well. Yes, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I did not mean to touch your leg.
Speaker 1: That's weird, that's all right. Make yourself comfortable, just like
Speaker 1: the jets are kind of pushing me around. I've I've
Speaker 1: noticed you and your husband at dinner, like you're you're
Speaker 1: doing the six o'clock dinner service, right, You guys are
Speaker 1: consistently showing up around six that. Yes, that's very that's
Speaker 1: exactly right. And you look winded when you get there.
Speaker 1: It takes us a moment. It takes us so wild,
Speaker 1: you know, the old They really should stagger it, you know,
Speaker 1: to to accommodate for you know, for slower patrons. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Or I always thinking what about one of those moving walkways?
Speaker 1: That would be nice, That would be nice. So what
Speaker 1: do you what do you? What do you do? I'm
Speaker 1: a consultant and I lecture a lectural of the world
Speaker 1: on consulting. Is that a lot of flow you're drinking?
Speaker 1: It is a love of flow. Would you like a sip?
Speaker 1: I don't think I should. There's nuts eller in it?
Speaker 1: What the peanut butter planed hazel nut thing? Yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know what the excuse me, excuse
Speaker 1: me a ms Mr honey, Mr Honey, I have I
Speaker 1: have a note that was just handed to me from
Speaker 1: professor Babe. Your husband's he's eyeing you from over there
Speaker 1: and gave me this note. Oh gosh, let me see.
Speaker 1: He does not seem very happy. I don't have my glasses.
Speaker 1: Can you read this for me? Of course I don't
Speaker 1: speak very good turtle. But hold on, let me put
Speaker 1: it in Google Translate. Thank you. Oh, it says who's he?
Speaker 1: Let me clarify, are you you're a male turtle? You're
Speaker 1: a male turtle. I'm terribly sorry. I cannot tell turtle
Speaker 1: gender specifically. I've been calling you Mr honey this whole trip.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. If that's incorrect, it's fine, this is important.
Speaker 1: Tell me if so, what do you think that machine was?
Speaker 1: I don't know, Taryll, I don't know, but you gotta
Speaker 1: be a little curious. It doesn't matter what it is.
Speaker 1: It probably has something to do with all those lotions.
Speaker 1: I bet it's a sex machine. All right. Well, we
Speaker 1: don't number one rule here. When you work in the hallways,
Speaker 1: you don't ask. Come on, you don't ask that guy.
Speaker 1: That guy was begging for us to ask what that
Speaker 1: machine was. No customers ever begging for us to ask.
Speaker 1: I don't know where you work before, but things are different.
Speaker 1: This is my first job. This is your first job,
Speaker 1: this is my first job, and I'm crushing it. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be your boss in no time. All right. Well
Speaker 1: that's good ambition, and we'd like to see that from
Speaker 1: all our employees. Um. You know, there's a conference going
Speaker 1: on at this hotel tonight and the keynote speaker is
Speaker 1: gonna be speaking. He speaks all over the world, and
Speaker 1: I think you might like it. Why because he talks
Speaker 1: about getting what you want to do and achieving goals.
Speaker 1: I got what I want to do and I'm achieving goals.
Speaker 1: Maybe I should be a keynote speaker. Well I don't
Speaker 1: think you just become a keynote speakers trying to grab
Speaker 1: a couple of these lotions things. Oh my god, that
Speaker 1: was incredible. Oh to have a lover who who actually
Speaker 1: takes their time, it's that was so rewarding. And now
Speaker 1: we cannot speak about this. Oh no, no, no, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: Uh oh god, you're driving me crazy. Like, um, I
Speaker 1: understand you're speaking later tonight. Huh I'm supposed to. I
Speaker 1: might just scrap everything I was gonna say and then
Speaker 1: talk about what just happened that that, Like I didn't
Speaker 1: I didn't even know how this was gonna work, and
Speaker 1: you showed me. Oh well, I've yeah, I've spent time
Speaker 1: with other humans. Um, you have housekeeping, hid Hi. I
Speaker 1: just gonna coming so I'm gonna pick you up. I'm
Speaker 1: butting your Hello, sh Hi, Is this a bad time?
Speaker 1: You're yes, it's this is a bad time, but you're here.
Speaker 1: You're here. Is that a tattoo of a tiger? Yes,
Speaker 1: yes it is. I got this in Singapore. I was
Speaker 1: lecturing and consulting there. Actually, no, I was consulting on
Speaker 1: lecturing there. Very fancy, sounds, very exciting. It was. We
Speaker 1: were just going to clean the room. Is that okay?
Speaker 1: There's another tattoo on that side too, Okay, Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: that's uh that's a jackal fighting fighting the tiger. Wow.
Speaker 1: He was gonna make the bed over here. Okay, don't don't,
Speaker 1: don't get too too close there. Huh. You don't need
Speaker 1: to make that side of the bed. Uh you but
Speaker 1: you No, I'm not falling for that. There's something on
Speaker 1: somebody in your room, sir. We'll take care of what
Speaker 1: you mean something? What do you mean something? I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's under the cover, is all right? Okay? I'm begging
Speaker 1: you up, begging. Oh my god, turtle. Yes, it's a turtle.
Speaker 1: Who's a guest. Who's a guest at this resort? Thank you?
Speaker 1: A turtle? Who I just fucked? What? Uh? Professor, babe?
Speaker 1: If you don't mind me asking, M you've you've been
Speaker 1: crying underneath this chess lounge all day. Thanks for noticing.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to bother anyone. I hope I haven't
Speaker 1: been a disturbance. No, you've been on disturbance. I just
Speaker 1: want to come by and see if you need a drink.
Speaker 1: Do you know what I could use is some sort
Speaker 1: of uh firearm? I do not know what you're planning, professor,
Speaker 1: but it's not really important to specifics. But a rifle
Speaker 1: long range, maybe with a scope. It would be pretty great. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I do not know how you would carry it if
Speaker 1: I got it for you, but I could probably pay
Speaker 1: an extra hundred dollars on top of whatever the reynal
Speaker 1: would be. Oh, oh you are You are really not
Speaker 1: in good shape. Maybe you've had too much. You didn't
Speaker 1: drink a lava flow, did you. I know it's all inclusive,
Speaker 1: but i'd be happy to pay an extra, Professor, baby,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to pick you up and carry over
Speaker 1: here right now. I'm just just don't mind me. You
Speaker 1: just it seems like you maybe have been in the
Speaker 1: sun too long. I'm I'm just gonna set you up
Speaker 1: here on this counter so we can see each other.
Speaker 1: I do I shake that. But are you familiar with
Speaker 1: the word consent? I am. I assumed it was a human,
Speaker 1: So I apologize for soon that I wanted to be.
Speaker 1: I do I with you. Look, can you get the rifle, professor? I?
Speaker 1: I mean I can't get the rifle. We can always,
Speaker 1: of course, I can get the rifle I got. I
Speaker 1: got all kinds of guns. What do you need? What?
Speaker 1: What do need? I got guns for humans, guns for crocodiles,
Speaker 1: guns for dogs, guns. Do you have guns for turtles? Yeah? Hey,
Speaker 1: who are you gonna give this? Turtles are fucking crazy? Man?
Speaker 1: Wait what this gun has a magazine with forty six bullets.
Speaker 1: Turtles are insane. It's I work at an all inclusive resort.
Speaker 1: If someone wants something, we have to get it for them.
Speaker 1: I'll sell it to you, man, But I don't want
Speaker 1: you to tell anybody you've got from me, all right,
Speaker 1: I won't tell anybody anything. I'm We're very good at
Speaker 1: keeping secrets. We're an all inclusive resort. The first rule
Speaker 1: I used to work in housekeeping is don't ask hello,
Speaker 1: why Ki Ki? Marriott guests, all right, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: We've got a lot to get through. We've got a
Speaker 1: lot to get through. But uh, let's let's talk about
Speaker 1: getting what you want, getting what you want out of life.
Speaker 1: Can we go to the first slide? Okay, there seems
Speaker 1: to be some sort of laser pointer. That's not my
Speaker 1: laser pointer. They put that down, Bye, down, It's not
Speaker 1: a laser pointer. It's just the turtles gun. You want
Speaker 1: a piece of this? What you're gonna what are you
Speaker 1: gonna do to him? Kill him? Why? Babe? I'm taking
Speaker 1: him out because you fucked him? What do you mean
Speaker 1: why babe? Let's talk about back believe act concede, no
Speaker 1: believe act. Can't you can't just go up there. He's
Speaker 1: talking right now. I can't too. Like I'm gonna seize
Speaker 1: what I want and I want to be the keynote speaker,
Speaker 1: do not walk up there. It's it's very rude, it's
Speaker 1: completely unconventional. You're not that turtle's got a gun, no, babe, no, no,
Speaker 1: oh god, this bullet is coming at me so slow.
Speaker 1: A turtle paste bullet is seeing one. Uh too much fun.
Speaker 1: Scene two concipating v I P. McCoy kit Well, who wrote,
Speaker 1: dear Joey, king of the heat, Good job on the oatmeal, James,
Speaker 1: I can smell what the heat is cooking. Try tossing
Speaker 1: some peb and j in there for a good time.
Speaker 1: A scene suggestion for the alchemists milking oats a lickey
Speaker 1: boom boom down McCoy. Yeah, can I help you? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Coffee tall? Okay, oat milk with the side. Can you
Speaker 1: put some hazel out of it? And um, do you
Speaker 1: want the sugar free or the coffee? Yeah, it's a syrup.
Speaker 1: It's a simple, sir. No, I understand. There's so many
Speaker 1: options these days, and I didn't. Yeah, the sugar free
Speaker 1: would be great eye contact, eye contact like some icon. No, please,
Speaker 1: not for many staff now not necessary. We're out of
Speaker 1: We're out of oat milk. Are you serious? I understand.
Speaker 1: How many locations do they need before they can keep
Speaker 1: It's the supply, the supply. They're having a hard time.
Speaker 1: Supply chain, convenience. I don't know. I don't know. It's
Speaker 1: just okay, alright, So is everything okay? Sorry? Yeah, um,
Speaker 1: We're just we're out of I'm so sorry. It's first coffee.
Speaker 1: This is a fucking Starbucks. You're at a coffee. We're
Speaker 1: not out of coffee. After ten am, we can only
Speaker 1: serve pike, which between you and me is garbage. I
Speaker 1: used to live over there, but we have we have
Speaker 1: a problem with the oat milk. Can I can I
Speaker 1: beg you to be okay with almond? We just were
Speaker 1: out a void. Can't you just have one of your
Speaker 1: staff go in the back? Fair milk up? Fair question?
Speaker 1: Milk A note? Is that what you're asking? No? Okay,
Speaker 1: milk a note? I just heard you say someone going
Speaker 1: to back end milk and then I interrupted you. So
Speaker 1: what were you gonna know? I forgot I've lost my
Speaker 1: tramp thought because you forgot what you were going to
Speaker 1: say when used to go in the back and milk.
Speaker 1: You know, I know, I don't even know what pal
Speaker 1: I'm just about out of here. I can't take work
Speaker 1: in here anymore, Barista had these people here don't even
Speaker 1: know what that word means. Do you, for example, know
Speaker 1: what the word barista? Stands for stands for it's a
Speaker 1: it's an acronym. Yeah, it's the acronym. That's exactly right.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know, Barista. This is very simple. Guys,
Speaker 1: Barista believe, act react, initiates, start talk act. Okay, it's
Speaker 1: very it's convenient. A lot of time considered reacting because look,
Speaker 1: I gotta get this. The bullet is still coming out
Speaker 1: of the guys, Barista, believe act. Hey, so what's going
Speaker 1: on on your side of the things with the milk
Speaker 1: and of the Uh, look, man, we need we need
Speaker 1: this milk. If you didn't get this milk and we
Speaker 1: we have a problem. Hey man, look, I only got
Speaker 1: I got fourteen cows and only one of them is magic.
Speaker 1: So you get thirteen cow'sworth of regular milk and one
Speaker 1: cow'sworth or whatever milk she wants to put out. Well,
Speaker 1: you ever tried making that, you know, bringing a magic
Speaker 1: bull over. Hav a good time with the magic cow,
Speaker 1: and then have some don't get crazy with me with
Speaker 1: me with magic bulls. Everybody they know such thing as
Speaker 1: a magic bull. At least I've never seen one in
Speaker 1: my life. You go out, all right, now another find
Speaker 1: the magic bull. You bring me a magic bull, and
Speaker 1: I'll make more of these cows. But until then, you're
Speaker 1: gonna get almond milk, until she's done reading those books
Speaker 1: about how great almond milk is for you. God damn,
Speaker 1: I mean, don't get mad at me. I'm a personal
Speaker 1: This ain't a personal attack. I just I feel like
Speaker 1: everything with you is a personal attack. Ever since you
Speaker 1: personally attacked me. That's that what we have squashed that
Speaker 1: particular situation. Have we have? Have we have? We have?
Speaker 1: We have? We have? Have you have? You? Wait? Have we? So?
Speaker 1: What are you looking for? And you're looking for a
Speaker 1: gun for an animal? Uh? Different kind of I need
Speaker 1: a rifle that fits into a small creatures Uh would
Speaker 1: they be paus hoofs. No, let's just say small creatures
Speaker 1: hands that could hold on to a little tiny rifle. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like a baby gun for like a community baby rifle. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what, let's look for a baby rifle. Do
Speaker 1: you have rifles a baby today? I'm running a special
Speaker 1: if you if you buy a gun right throwing this?
Speaker 1: Uh this which ball? It's like a magic ball? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: what what does that mean exactly? Yeah? I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just need to offload. It's trouble. Okay, do you
Speaker 1: want to Is that the magic bull? Yeah, that's all
Speaker 1: I got. I don't carry animals. Normally I carry weapons
Speaker 1: and accessories for animals. But this, this cool, this bull
Speaker 1: has been nothing to trouble. So you want me to
Speaker 1: take the bull off your hand? Excuse me, I'm looking
Speaker 1: for a rain jacket for a poodle boy. Ah yeah,
Speaker 1: here you go. Six dollars moving along, cute, cheap, Thank you.
Speaker 1: It's good, good, good. So I buying the baby rifle
Speaker 1: and you're gonna throw in a whole bull I just
Speaker 1: wanted off my hands. Okay, yeah, great, I'll take the ball. Well, look,
Speaker 1: I feel I feel better. Now. Let's say I gribbed
Speaker 1: that much in years. Let's say we uh, we go
Speaker 1: get a cup of coffee. I'd like that. I'm buying.
Speaker 1: Oh how about this Starbucks right here? Yeah? Sure, they're
Speaker 1: all the same, that's what I think thinking. Yeah, welcome,
Speaker 1: Can I get you? I'm not done here, I am
Speaker 1: not done. Why did you move on? We're still as
Speaker 1: we don't have oh bilk sorry going you guys go ahead,
Speaker 1: because hey, Steve, Steve, come back here for a second.
Speaker 1: It's up. Hey, why don't you just give him some
Speaker 1: regular milk and say it's oat milk. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: too hot to drink till he's gone, because like what
Speaker 1: if he's lactose and tallerant. I don't want to poison
Speaker 1: a customer and be John. Come on, no one gets
Speaker 1: caught whenever it gets caught for this here, I'll do it.
Speaker 1: I'll do it. Yeah, yeah, you go out there and
Speaker 1: take my take. My shift was quite frankly, I'm fucking done.
Speaker 1: Oh well, I'm still gonna need your help pleas alright,
Speaker 1: Uh so this is it turns out I had one
Speaker 1: last thing, I oat milk. Uh and here is a
Speaker 1: piping hot cup of coffee without milk. That ain't right.
Speaker 1: There ain't no oat milk anywhere, right, Yeah, we we
Speaker 1: both know there ain't no oat milk here. You can
Speaker 1: hear us. Shut up? Everybody shut up? Are you the
Speaker 1: one looking for oat milk? Don't tell me a customer
Speaker 1: to shut up? First of all, I'm so sorry, I
Speaker 1: did not mean that for you know, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: take my business and go to the coffee being across
Speaker 1: the street. But all right, hello, hi, so you actually
Speaker 1: have oatmelk that must mean you have a must have
Speaker 1: a very special animal because we know the supplying. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've got I've got lots of special animals and tons
Speaker 1: of tons of oat milk. Well actually not tons, but
Speaker 1: we're looking for a special animal right now. In fact,
Speaker 1: that special animal could end this whole oat milk crisis.
Speaker 1: Oh well, umm, well, I I can't share my special animal,
Speaker 1: but it does get me something. You aligned to us,
Speaker 1: are you? Huh? Well? I mean is it illegal to
Speaker 1: lie to you? Who are you? You're just a customer, right, Hi?
Speaker 1: Welcome to the coffee being a tea leaf across the
Speaker 1: street from the Starbucks. What are you doing here? This
Speaker 1: is great? Come in, well that's so cool, thank you.
Speaker 1: What do you want coffee? See, I'll take a coffee,
Speaker 1: oat milk and uh oh old milk. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: a little splash of hazel nut, A little splash of
Speaker 1: hazel nut. Okay? Did you try the Starbucks? Um, because
Speaker 1: they are either right across the street. No, I see him.
Speaker 1: I was just treated rudely there. That's why I came
Speaker 1: here to give you. Okay, patronize you. We got you
Speaker 1: want to stone, we got I don't know how long
Speaker 1: some of these have been here, like some of these
Speaker 1: scones have been here from that's a rock. That's a rock.
Speaker 1: I think that is a rock. Just how about a tea?
Speaker 1: How about a tea? We gotta put something in the cases.
Speaker 1: T T. That's not hard, right, that's just uh, that's
Speaker 1: just you put a bag in the hot water and
Speaker 1: you got tea. Do you have a PIKOI? Who? How
Speaker 1: do you spell it? How do you spell that? Uh?
Speaker 1: Pe koe? Okay, I got I got Belgian breakfast, which
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what that is. I good, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've never heard of that one? What else? What you have?
Speaker 1: Just name all six of them right there? Okay, I
Speaker 1: got Belgian breakfast, one, I got Burl Gray, got um
Speaker 1: ruy boost boost. It's always fun, all right. You see,
Speaker 1: you don't messed up because you lied to us. And
Speaker 1: that's why we brought you back here to this dairy farm.
Speaker 1: And you're gonna milk. We won't Oh, you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to make it with that magic cow there until we
Speaker 1: get something that resembles oat milk. Unerstand what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: That's right? Oh? Oh um, well I can do that.
Speaker 1: It's just gotta resemble oat milk. Right, that has to
Speaker 1: be seen too. That has to be seen to. It
Speaker 1: just has to resemble oat milk. Good God save us all.
Speaker 1: See three comes from Patroon v I P. Crispy who
Speaker 1: rode hi Kevin. I've delved d to come up with
Speaker 1: the following scene suggestion. One word it is flags. You
Speaker 1: are more than welcome, signed Crispy Flags, Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1: Free legal aid given strength. That's free legal aid, given strength.
Speaker 1: Thank you very much, Thank you very much. You have
Speaker 1: a great day. You got by stew by. Do we
Speaker 1: uh hi, do we get legal advice along with a
Speaker 1: cup of coffee? Is that what this is? Uh? Yep,
Speaker 1: that's right. You can see we have all these wonderful
Speaker 1: uh lawyers here and uh and other legal people, and
Speaker 1: they also have carafts of coffee. So you sit down,
Speaker 1: ask them a question. They will be happy to answer
Speaker 1: your questions the best of their knowledge, and they will
Speaker 1: give you a cup of coffee. That's free legal aid.
Speaker 1: And none of this is gonna be shared because it's
Speaker 1: private between us from the lawyer, right, it all depends
Speaker 1: on the specific uh degree or education that these particular
Speaker 1: lawyers have some are full fledged lawyers. That's right. Nothing
Speaker 1: not path hopathetic. Co Uh what if you killed someone? Yeah, hypothetically,
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm not. I'm just I actually just run
Speaker 1: the hall here. Yeah, I think I think I can
Speaker 1: take this one. I can take this one. Yeah. I'm
Speaker 1: not technically a lawyer. I'm what was referred to previously
Speaker 1: as other legal people. But if you want to come
Speaker 1: over to the other legal people table, that's fine. We
Speaker 1: can have a private conversation. All right, So hypathetically killed someone. Okay,
Speaker 1: see this is what I'm talking about. By private conversation.
Speaker 1: I am on a microphone, and you stood in line
Speaker 1: from stand at this microphone, so that we are both
Speaker 1: speaking in the microphones, and you're talking about a hypothetical.
Speaker 1: Why don't let's say, hypothetically we're gonna go over to
Speaker 1: this table over here right after this, Why don't you
Speaker 1: come over and talk to me? There it's the table
Speaker 1: labeled labeled o LP. You're a cop. Catch Oh wow,
Speaker 1: he just ran right through that. Well look there's a
Speaker 1: shape him in a hole in that wall. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: gonna wait for a lawyer. Well, look, you see, we
Speaker 1: have all these booth heres set up like like voting booths.
Speaker 1: Almost right, but there's chairs on the oither side. I
Speaker 1: don't need to paint the picture for you, but I will.
Speaker 1: And uh, you know, there are lawyers and other legal
Speaker 1: people here and coffee waiting to answer any of your questions.
Speaker 1: Flags again stands for what sir, Free legal aid given strength. Hey,
Speaker 1: come on in, come on in. Uh my name is
Speaker 1: James Master Pattney and uh but people call me sweet James,
Speaker 1: and uh, I'm my full fledged lawyer. I'm on the
Speaker 1: other side of the spectrum. And that guy on the
Speaker 1: microphone and tell me what's on your mind. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: still waiting on that cappuccino. Sorry, that's okay. This is
Speaker 1: a lawyer booth. Okay, sorry about it. Um here, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna just cheat over to this boot. Hey, but I
Speaker 1: guess why while you're here? What what area of law
Speaker 1: did you specialize in? Criminal? Criminal? Murders, robberies. Those are
Speaker 1: the two I specified in. Okay, also a little bit
Speaker 1: of financial, but mostly murders and robberies. So let's say
Speaker 1: say the word hypothetically. Please don't just say anything otherwise
Speaker 1: hypothetically say that I hypothetically killed someone Okay, so it's
Speaker 1: not an issue unless you did it. So yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I just want to want to throw out a hypothetical
Speaker 1: and see uh yeah, So my advice would be, unless
Speaker 1: you did it, nothing to worry about. Good good. If
Speaker 1: hypothetically I had a baby gun, all right, you know
Speaker 1: those guns that are typically made for babies, but that yeah,
Speaker 1: I know exactly adults. Adults with small enough fingers and
Speaker 1: conceivably fire. Okay, Um, if I if I placed a
Speaker 1: baby gun to uh to the temple of of a
Speaker 1: co worker, I'm gonna tell you, I'll get this case
Speaker 1: torn out. You shouldn't be handling a baby gun. You
Speaker 1: look like a grown adult. And somebody who sold you
Speaker 1: a baby gun, they're the ones at fault. Yes, I
Speaker 1: like this is very helpful. Are you doing the cappuccino
Speaker 1: or is there another another? Okay? Is this the o LP? Yeah,
Speaker 1: you look nervous. Hey, hey, hey, relax, relax. Do you
Speaker 1: want some cleanex to put in your armpits? Here? That
Speaker 1: was all right? See doesn't that feel nice? Yeah? You
Speaker 1: can take those out here? Now put some more. These
Speaker 1: are dry. Put some dry feels nice, don't sure? Okay?
Speaker 1: So o LP yeah, my service at my service. At you.
Speaker 1: I told you we were at your service. Other legal people. Yeah, okay, um,
Speaker 1: so it's just a matter of the heart, and I
Speaker 1: don't know where that falls within the Oh oh look,
Speaker 1: all's fair in love and war. So anything you do
Speaker 1: because of love is legal. All's fair in love and war,
Speaker 1: and that will hold up in court. That holds up
Speaker 1: in in some courts. I I know a few jurisdictions
Speaker 1: where it will hold up. So anything you need to
Speaker 1: do regarding love, because this is where jurisdictions a little
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna need you to do on the south
Speaker 1: end of the metropolitan area. Anything south of the river,
Speaker 1: south of the river. Okay, all's fair in love and
Speaker 1: war north of the river. I can't help you. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense? Alright? Perfect sense? I have a yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that one standards for me. You didn't I didn't know
Speaker 1: you were coming out of ordered you a cappuccino? It's okay, No,
Speaker 1: what you want enough? And the advice? Would you like
Speaker 1: a soaked Rosemary Powell? No? Yep, all fair, lovel war
Speaker 1: south of the river. Thank you so much. You've been great.
Speaker 1: South of the river. Why does everyone run away from
Speaker 1: me and go through the wall. Now there's a hymn.
Speaker 1: Shake pole. Tell me my nose is sounding like a
Speaker 1: failding tracks. Do you have something like a clean x
Speaker 1: is um that I could use? This? Blow my nose, Tommy, please, yeah,
Speaker 1: I get these here you go? Oh thank you? Oh God,
Speaker 1: what's happening? They smell horrible, that's yeah, I have a
Speaker 1: cleane should smell like you got it out of a
Speaker 1: box with a with a nice fragrance or something. This
Speaker 1: is These were the only the best I had in
Speaker 1: my armpits. Oh so you had the bo on the
Speaker 1: clean X before you hand it before. Well that's out full. Okay.
Speaker 1: I'm just a little lost. Am I on the south
Speaker 1: side of the river or the north side? So if
Speaker 1: you just walk over that bridge, just we're gonna be
Speaker 1: walking to you right now, right now, you're currently north side.
Speaker 1: We're gonna walk over this bridge. You can follow, you
Speaker 1: can come with us. You know, I want to be
Speaker 1: on the north side, So I'm gonna say in the
Speaker 1: north side, So we want to we want to be
Speaker 1: in the south side. Good lucks are his problem, So
Speaker 1: you know, come on, I kind of I'm telling you
Speaker 1: that my nose is just not built for that do
Speaker 1: you still love me? I mean, sure, mm hmmm. What
Speaker 1: kind of love? Were you questioning? What? I don't know?
Speaker 1: I guess, I guess all of it. I mean, when
Speaker 1: when I met you, I was eighteen and you were
Speaker 1: seven day with children. Well, you were a child. I
Speaker 1: felt like a child. And uh, you've grown so much
Speaker 1: in the last three years. Yeah, three years, three years.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm you know, and I'm so proud of you
Speaker 1: and you're but I can read it at seventy four
Speaker 1: year old level, so I know, I know, listen, listen.
Speaker 1: I just I didn't know that when we started dating
Speaker 1: that I was contractually obligated to stay with you every
Speaker 1: single day and night, and that you wanted me to
Speaker 1: know that there's a con tracked involved freedom on my
Speaker 1: side south, Okay, a little more freedom. What would you
Speaker 1: like to do with this glorious freedom. I would like
Speaker 1: you to take one more step off this bridge, right then.
Speaker 1: I would like you to take this knife, yes, and
Speaker 1: I will insert it into your chest. O. God, stings
Speaker 1: right there in the chest bone. Oh my god, that
Speaker 1: human killed another human. Run. We've seen too much, turtles,
Speaker 1: Just do your best. I don't think you've recovered from
Speaker 1: this sort of wound. James, Uh huh, Look, man, you
Speaker 1: can't keep coming here for legal advice. Um, you've been
Speaker 1: through all the lawyers. You've been through all the real
Speaker 1: lawyers and all the O LPs and nobody can help you.
Speaker 1: But still the problem is I can't help you either.
Speaker 1: You can't even on the facility. You're the kingpin of
Speaker 1: it all. I mean in the sense I legally, what
Speaker 1: do I have? Hypothetically? All right, hypothetically, Hypothetically, let's say
Speaker 1: I was a barista. You know what, let's get rid
Speaker 1: of the hypothetically. It's just let's just go for it.
Speaker 1: I'm a barista. Boom? And which where and where do
Speaker 1: you work? Well at a coffee shop? Which one? Well,
Speaker 1: it's across the street from the Coffee Bean and Tea
Speaker 1: she And what's the deal? Well, we ran out of
Speaker 1: HOAt milk? And I do you have sex with the cow?
Speaker 1: Wait a second, did the other lawyers tell you this
Speaker 1: before I got here, because they told me it was secret.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, this cow has given birth. Oh, oh
Speaker 1: my god, it looks like a human. That calve's got
Speaker 1: a man face. Try milking and see what comes out. Now, now,
Speaker 1: don't try milk and it. That cow's got a man's face. Well,
Speaker 1: just don't look at his face, just get under it.
Speaker 1: Sounds to me like legally you are the dad and
Speaker 1: you have that could be anybody that's a calf. I
Speaker 1: know that it came out with a mustache and a
Speaker 1: tank top. Yeah, that's like your that's your signature. Look,
Speaker 1: would call it signature sail. There's plenty of room in
Speaker 1: the hot tub. Come on in. Hey, I noticed that
Speaker 1: you're a you're a human cow hybrid. What what brings
Speaker 1: you to the Marriott Wakiki Arratal problems have led to
Speaker 1: sacks that made me m oh, you want some oat milk? Oh?
Speaker 1: Can you you can? Yeah? Oh well I can see that.
Speaker 1: I'd see the hot tubs filling up with it. You're welcome.
Speaker 1: Wow nice right, Yeah, that's particularly good when it's boiling.
Speaker 1: Are you Are you here with anyone? Mm hmm. You
Speaker 1: said marital problem, So I'm guess not mine. I'm the
Speaker 1: product of infidelity. Oh wait a minute, are you a
Speaker 1: are you a calf? You gotta you gotta tell me,
Speaker 1: you gotta tell me if you're a calf. Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: a calf. It seems so mature. Would you like to
Speaker 1: see my my suite. I'm gonna take it. I'm I'm
Speaker 1: picking you up. I'm picking you up. Oh this feels usual.
Speaker 1: So it turns out it's mine. There was a DNA
Speaker 1: test and you were right. Well, I do run a
Speaker 1: facility for free legal aid. I'm actually just hoping that
Speaker 1: you you could get me like a not a baby gun,
Speaker 1: but like a full man. Good. Hey, go to o
Speaker 1: LP for that man. Oh yeah, he's gonna be cool
Speaker 1: with that. I think he'll be the coolest. I'll walk
Speaker 1: there now. Hey, welcome to o LP. What seems to
Speaker 1: be the problem, Well, you remember all those hypotheticals. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're the guy that fuck that cow. Right, it's not
Speaker 1: it's shaw hypothetically and all that bullshit. Right, Yeah, what
Speaker 1: can I do for you? Well, let's just say, come
Speaker 1: on the hypothetically, Mama cow is trying to get human
Speaker 1: daddy to pay child supports. It. It's just not in
Speaker 1: the budget because I got a I got another wife
Speaker 1: that I'm married to. It's a mess. It's a mess,
Speaker 1: and I need to take this cow out. What part
Speaker 1: of town do you live in? North of the river.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna needs you to head south of the river. Okay,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna need you don't usually go south. Well, look,
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to go south of the river for this.
Speaker 1: You're gonna be a big boy about this. You can
Speaker 1: be a little boy about this. I'm a man. That
Speaker 1: wasn't a question. Hey, hey, I gave you. I gave
Speaker 1: you two options in that question. Are a big boy
Speaker 1: of a little boy? Don't add a third? Okay, a
Speaker 1: big boy? You like an adult? Hey, hey, adult was
Speaker 1: not one of the choices. Here you go. You're a
Speaker 1: big boy. Now, that's what I want you to do
Speaker 1: to have big boy. Okay, I want you to take
Speaker 1: that cow and I want you to a cross to
Speaker 1: the south side of the river. And once that happens,
Speaker 1: let me ask you this. Do you a either love
Speaker 1: that cow or be are you at waar with that cow?
Speaker 1: Kind of kind of neither. Honestly, it was a business.
Speaker 1: I gave you room service open. So he is going
Speaker 1: on in here, Well, it's just me. I'm just I'm
Speaker 1: just alone in this room and I don't fit under
Speaker 1: this bed. Shut up, shut up. Someone else is here,
Speaker 1: but that's none of my business. It's not your business.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, and bring in what we ordered. What I ordered.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna refill your your lotions and your current cups. Great, okay,
Speaker 1: and you said you wanted two more waters, right, Oh
Speaker 1: that's all that is complimentary. I still don't know what
Speaker 1: you ordered from room service, all right, Yeah I ordered.
Speaker 1: I ordered some beef. Yeah, I ordered a plate of beef. Okay,
Speaker 1: and here's your plate of just beef, beef, right, nothing else,
Speaker 1: no seasoning. Okay, now look at this. I'll look at this. Now,
Speaker 1: get on the bed. Is our show today. We just
Speaker 1: can't take it a step further. I want to, We
Speaker 1: want to, but at some point, folk, you need to
Speaker 1: do the work. Okay, we don't. We can't take it
Speaker 1: from there, but we will. Thank you for being here. Um,
Speaker 1: Mark Gagliardi, thank you so much, South and North of
Speaker 1: the River, thank you for having me. It's been a
Speaker 1: delight uh in a a very fun time. As always,
Speaker 1: I love playing with you guys. Two podcasts in a week.
Speaker 1: Uh we had Kevin on. Uh we got this with
Speaker 1: Mark and Howe. So listen for that coming up very soon.
Speaker 1: Listen for that. I had a blast. Thanks man. We
Speaker 1: uh we debated, we did and uh I think we
Speaker 1: came up with a pretty solid I think we came
Speaker 1: to the correct conclusion at the end of it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel good about that. Well, thank you for that,
Speaker 1: and this. Dr Craig Ktkowski, thank you as well. Oh
Speaker 1: a lot of fun, A lot of fun because it's
Speaker 1: coming up. I probably have said this on the podcast before,
Speaker 1: but it can never be said too many times that
Speaker 1: it's daylight saving time and not daylight savings time. Don't
Speaker 1: add the why do people add that? S It is strange.
Speaker 1: Maybe savings accounts, savings accounts, Maybe that's got Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think you Nelda though it's savings account even though you're
Speaker 1: just saving money in that account and you're saving daylight
Speaker 1: a tool saying while we still have you, thank you
Speaker 1: for being here with us. He's having some technical issues,
Speaker 1: but we've been giving the thumbs up, so we feel
Speaker 1: very good about it. We love our tools. Sing and
Speaker 1: excited about him uh having joined our live show at
Speaker 1: the west Side Comedy Theater in early March and Matt
Speaker 1: hopefully we'll see him again at one of those. James Heeny,
Speaker 1: did you have fun at the live show at the
Speaker 1: West Side Comedy Theater. It was incredible? Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: so much fun to have so many people come home.
Speaker 1: Oh man, get close hugs. It was wonderful. Uh, and
Speaker 1: we'll we'll do it again in April. Chris Alvarado, thank
Speaker 1: you so much, buddy. Great to see you as always.
Speaker 1: Thank you boy, what a fun group. I think there
Speaker 1: are certain things at a certain age you can't change. Yep, Craig,
Speaker 1: there's no way I'd ever be able to stop myself
Speaker 1: from saying savings daylight savings. That's just the truth. Now.
Speaker 1: I said it in my head a couple of times.
Speaker 1: It feels unnatural to say the other way, the light
Speaker 1: saving time saving time. I always thought it was daylight
Speaker 1: saving times. Oh no, thank you for bringing that home, James.
Speaker 1: Let's thank our pretty sure and engineer to the stars,
Speaker 1: Mr Doug Banking. Fine, folks that I hurt Media, I'm
Speaker 1: your ho's Kevin Pollock. Uh. Letting you know that Joey
Speaker 1: Grier is just gonna be out for a couple of weeks.
Speaker 1: We'll be back with us. Just to sort of put
Speaker 1: the kai bosh on your emails asking for for more
Speaker 1: or less of Joey. Uh, he will be back soon.
Speaker 1: And well, thank you so very much for your patronage
Speaker 1: and your support, and you're watching the show. Write a
Speaker 1: review if you would. You've been so kind to send
Speaker 1: us fresh emails and we've received many and we thank
Speaker 1: you for them. Um, be kind to each other, take
Speaker 1: it easy out there, uh and UM think good thoughts
Speaker 1: for you and yours, and theres until next time, M.