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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks on You Need Therapy. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send in

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Speaker 1: to me. You can send those two Catherine K A

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Speaker 1: t h R y N at You Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com and I would love to get them and

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Speaker 1: read them and see if I can talk about them

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Speaker 1: on here to help you guys out. Now, as always,

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Speaker 1: before we get into this, a little reminder that although

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Speaker 1: I am answering your questions somewhat, uh, this is not

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Speaker 1: therapy in itself, and this is just a human talking

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Speaker 1: about some things that you guys want to talk about.

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Speaker 1: So it might lead to therapy, but this right now

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Speaker 1: that you're listening to isn't that. So let's just get

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Speaker 1: into it. So again today we're only going to do

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Speaker 1: one question. Starting to do that a little bit more

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Speaker 1: just so I can talk about the questions a little

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Speaker 1: bit longer, which I like to do because you know,

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Speaker 1: sometimes I just get going and I can't stop. So

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Speaker 1: we have one question, and I'm gonna keep it anonymous

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Speaker 1: as usual, just to you know, protect you guys, because

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Speaker 1: sometimes we don't need people to know the things that

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Speaker 1: we're wondering in our heads. So here's the question from

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Speaker 1: our anonymous human high cat. I've been wanting to email

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Speaker 1: you for a while, but I haven't because I was

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Speaker 1: hoping what I'm struggling with would just go away on

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Speaker 1: its own. Well, not much, to my and probably your surprise,

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Speaker 1: Ignoring my problems hasn't made them any better. They actually

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Speaker 1: just got worse. So I started dating this guy a

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Speaker 1: couple of years ago who I thought was just the

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Speaker 1: best person ever, and that him through an app and

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Speaker 1: naturally we had no mutual friends. Well, also one of

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Speaker 1: the reasons that we had no mutual friends was because

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Speaker 1: he didn't really have a community in our city. He

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Speaker 1: was new Ish and had acquaintances, but no real actual

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Speaker 1: unity here. Well, I brought him into my circle and

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Speaker 1: he fit right in like a glove. To make a

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Speaker 1: long story short, we broke up about six months ago

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Speaker 1: after dating for two years. It was one of those

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Speaker 1: mutual ish breakups, but like I was heartbroken and I'm

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Speaker 1: not in a place where I can just be his

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Speaker 1: friend right now. However, his friends are now my friends.

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Speaker 1: My community became his community, and now I feel so

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Speaker 1: lost and I feel really alone. I don't feel like

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Speaker 1: I have the right to ask people to take sides,

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Speaker 1: but they were my friends first. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: it's not like he did anything horrible. He just kind

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Speaker 1: of broke my heart. I don't really know what to do.

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Speaker 1: I've been distant and it's made getting over the breakup

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Speaker 1: harder because I don't have my people to lean on.

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Speaker 1: I don't go to social functions because there's always a

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Speaker 1: chance he will be there, and now it's been so long,

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Speaker 1: I feel like it would be even weirder for me

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Speaker 1: to say something. Do you have any suggestions? Part of

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Speaker 1: me thinks I'm just going to have to create a

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Speaker 1: whole new group of friends. I'm stuck, I'm lonely, and

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Speaker 1: I'm sad. Okay, this is really tough because there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of stuff going on here. There's a lot of

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Speaker 1: different tough things that are happening in this real life

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Speaker 1: scenario that I'm so grateful that you brought to me,

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Speaker 1: because I have a feeling that other people have experienced

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Speaker 1: something like this and this, like what do you do?

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Speaker 1: So one you're heartbroken and I'm so sorry. One of

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Speaker 1: the hardest and most uncomfortable things that humans go through heartbreak.

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Speaker 1: So that's one thing. So you're heartbroken, you feel stuck.

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Speaker 1: Sounds like you don't feel like you have permission to

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Speaker 1: ask for what you really need right now. It sounds

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Speaker 1: like you don't feel supported. And what I know about healing,

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Speaker 1: especially when it comes to a broken heart, is often

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Speaker 1: healing happens through human connection. And it also sounds like

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Speaker 1: you have a lot of empathy for others, because I

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Speaker 1: would be basically like, f that guy, he broke my heart.

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Speaker 1: These are my friends. I get them, which is why

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Speaker 1: I'm not here to give you advice, and I'm not

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Speaker 1: here to tell you to do what I would do

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Speaker 1: because that may not necessarily be what you need. Different

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Speaker 1: people will have different opinions on what to do here,

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Speaker 1: and I want to say that very loud and clear.

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Speaker 1: Different people are going to have different opinions. There's a

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Speaker 1: million sides you can take here, and there's a million

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Speaker 1: ways to talk about this scenario. What I want to

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Speaker 1: help move you into is this place in a space

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Speaker 1: where you feel secure and identifying your feelings, your needs,

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Speaker 1: and your opinions. This goes to every human listening to this.

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Speaker 1: You don't need everyone to agree with you to have

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Speaker 1: an opinion on your own life, and to have an

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Speaker 1: opinion on your own life that feels right. You don't

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Speaker 1: need people to agree with you to do that. So

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Speaker 1: I really want to in kind of what we're going

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Speaker 1: to talk about, empower you to own that you are

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Speaker 1: allowed to ask for things that feel important and things

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Speaker 1: that you need. And you're a lot of feel whatever

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Speaker 1: you feel. So let's talk bummer about him not having friends.

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Speaker 1: And this is something that I didn't I don't think

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Speaker 1: I mentioned this when I did the Dating App episode.

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Speaker 1: I know in Nashville, especially, a lot of people's profiles

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Speaker 1: say things like new to town and looking for a

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Speaker 1: tour guide, and like, to be honest, I don't feel

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Speaker 1: like we need to just like right off anyone who's

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Speaker 1: new to town. But I think it's important to maintain

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Speaker 1: boundaries and lives separate from each other outside of the

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Speaker 1: relationships we create. And that can be really hard sometimes,

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Speaker 1: especially when you're like this person fits right in, and

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Speaker 1: that's what I'm looking for. I want to share my

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Speaker 1: things with you because I want to be with you,

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Speaker 1: and I like you, so I want to share my

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Speaker 1: things with you. Okay, I get it. I totally get that.

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Speaker 1: We have to be very careful not to get too

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Speaker 1: caught up in what that actually means. You have your life,

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Speaker 1: he has his life, and then you have your life together.

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Speaker 1: There are different things going on in in this scenario,

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Speaker 1: three different things that I think goes for all relationships.

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Speaker 1: Your life, his life, your relationship. I hate the term

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Speaker 1: my other half. I'm not going to get often to

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Speaker 1: a tangent about that, but I just hate that term. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: no no. You are not looking for your other half.

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Speaker 1: We are identifying our wholeness. Right. You are a whole

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Speaker 1: person and your partner is a whole person, and then

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Speaker 1: you have a relationship and that's a whole thing. So

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Speaker 1: there's that part, and I didn't address that in the

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Speaker 1: Dating app episodes, but I just think that's interesting and

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Speaker 1: something to think about and remember. Regardless. Something that a

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Speaker 1: lawyer once told me is that we can't change the past.

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Speaker 1: So there's no use in talking about what you would

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Speaker 1: have done differently. The only productive thing we can do

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Speaker 1: is focused on what we can do now to move forward.

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Speaker 1: So that's kind of where you are, like, what can

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Speaker 1: I do now to move forward? My heart's broken, and

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Speaker 1: I don't really know what to do about my community

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Speaker 1: because that feels weird right now. So what can we do? Well,

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Speaker 1: what's the problem. I'm asking you to identify that? Like,

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Speaker 1: what's the problem? Is it that it's my community? You

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Speaker 1: want your friends back, you want your community back, and

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Speaker 1: that is a community that might not include him, or

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Speaker 1: you might not want to include him. So first is

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Speaker 1: identifying the problem. I'm really curious about the breakup. It

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Speaker 1: sounds like he hurt you, but it was also mutual,

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Speaker 1: and I kind of know what you mean, and I

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Speaker 1: can assume some things around that, but I don't really

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't. I don't want to assume. But I've been there,

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Speaker 1: Like I've been in that place where like, oh, I mean,

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Speaker 1: he didn't do anything wrong, but he freaking broke my

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Speaker 1: heart and so mad at him? But like why am

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Speaker 1: I mad at him? Because he didn't do anything wrong?

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Speaker 1: And it sucks when you're in that place where he's

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Speaker 1: not a bad person, but being around him might bring

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Speaker 1: up some like icky feelings and being reminded of him

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Speaker 1: constantly is painful and that would make moving on really tough.

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Speaker 1: And so sometimes I think we create these stories that

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Speaker 1: like if we could hate our X, or if we

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Speaker 1: could demonize this person, we would feel better. And I

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Speaker 1: don't know that that is true. I think that um

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Speaker 1: just changes the story, right, and it changes the feelings

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Speaker 1: or kind of distracts the feelings. If I could be mad,

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Speaker 1: then I don't have to be sad, right, If he

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Speaker 1: can be a bad person, then I don't have to

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Speaker 1: make it about me not feeling like I'm enough or

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Speaker 1: something like that. It's almost like a distraction. The reality

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Speaker 1: is like somebody doesn't have to be a bad person

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Speaker 1: to hurt our feelings, you know, like somebody might not

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Speaker 1: have done anything wrong, and maybe we're still hurt by that,

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Speaker 1: and that's a reality, and we might need something in that.

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Speaker 1: And you need to not be around this person all

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Speaker 1: the time so you can heal and move on. And

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Speaker 1: that's so valid and makes a lot of sense. So

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Speaker 1: I would ask yourself, what would you ask for if

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Speaker 1: you could be completely selfish and get exactly what you

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Speaker 1: want like dream world? Okay, maybe that feels really unreasonable. Okay,

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Speaker 1: work backwards, So start from ideal and then work backwards.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes we ignore our needs because we don't think we're deserving,

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Speaker 1: or we don't think it's possible to get them met.

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Speaker 1: And that's valid because sometimes our needs can't get met

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Speaker 1: exactly the way we want. But also that doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: that we have to be black and white like. There

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Speaker 1: can be some compromise in those needs. So that's why

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Speaker 1: you work backwards. Okay, I can't have this perfect space,

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Speaker 1: I can't create this perfect scenario. What can I create?

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Speaker 1: Is that better than nothing? Another helpful question is what

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Speaker 1: are you afraid of? Here? Another way I might ask

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Speaker 1: that is, what's the worst that could happen if you

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Speaker 1: asked for that thing that you really really want? Like,

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Speaker 1: what's the worst that could happen? I'm making this up

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Speaker 1: because I'm having a conversation with myself, But maybe the

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Speaker 1: worst thing that could happen is like you don't get

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Speaker 1: what you asked for, and and maybe your friends will

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Speaker 1: desert you because how dare you ask for whatever you

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Speaker 1: ask for? Which in parentheses here I'm saying it sounds

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Speaker 1: very unlikely. I don't know that you would have friends

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Speaker 1: that would so easily drop you like that, especially because

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Speaker 1: I don't know that what you would ask for it

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Speaker 1: would be unreasonable, unreasonable? But then, what's your reality now? Right.

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Speaker 1: So if the worst that could happen happen, and the

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Speaker 1: worst that could happen is that, like I lose my friends. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Well you kind of mentioned that in the part of

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Speaker 1: your question where you're like, I just want to start

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Speaker 1: all over and then maybe I have to just get

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Speaker 1: a new community and new friends. Well you're already creating

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Speaker 1: that worst case scenario. So either the worst case scenario

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Speaker 1: definitely happens because you're like, I'm not going to ask

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Speaker 1: for what I need. I'm not going to do that.

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Speaker 1: I'm just going to get a new group of friends,

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Speaker 1: or that happens because you give yourself a shot to

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Speaker 1: ask for what you need. But in that oppera tunity,

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Speaker 1: you also give yourself an opportunity, right, You give yourself

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Speaker 1: a shot to get your needs met or to get

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Speaker 1: some of your needs met. Also, I bet your friends

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Speaker 1: in that can be more empathetic than you think. However,

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Speaker 1: they are not mind readers. So if you act like

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Speaker 1: everything's fine and you tell them that everything's fine, since

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Speaker 1: they can't read your mind, they don't know that things

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Speaker 1: are not fine, like that you're not okay and that

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Speaker 1: you're feeling these feelings. That's the thing we do a lot.

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Speaker 1: It's like this passive aggressive like I want people to know,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not saying that you're doing this just we do.

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Speaker 1: In general, humans do this a lot, like we want

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Speaker 1: people to know. We don't want to have to tell them,

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Speaker 1: we don't want to have to ask, we want people

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Speaker 1: to read our minds. But at the same time, we're

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Speaker 1: really good actors, right, And I can speak for a

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Speaker 1: large portion of the population when I say that, Like,

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Speaker 1: humans generally do not want to engage in conflict. So

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Speaker 1: if I don't have to acknowledge that what is going

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Speaker 1: on is going on, that if I don't have to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge that you feel some kind of way around the

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Speaker 1: fact that your ex boyfriend is still always around us,

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Speaker 1: I'm probably not going to acknowledge. I'd rather not. Right,

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Speaker 1: here's another thing, and I want you to hear this too.

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Speaker 1: Just like the majority of human beings like don't want

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Speaker 1: to engage in conflict, I also think that the majority

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Speaker 1: of human beings would be very understanding in the fact

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Speaker 1: that it's hard for you to be around your ex

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Speaker 1: boyfriend all the time. Like that makes a lot of sense.

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Speaker 1: That's not a crazy thing to say. And what you

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Speaker 1: aren't doing here, and what you wouldn't be doing here

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Speaker 1: by by talking to your friends is blaming other people

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Speaker 1: for your feelings or making your feelings someone else's problem.

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Speaker 1: You're expressing what it's like to be you, and you're

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Speaker 1: asking for support. By you doing this, you're taking responsibility here.

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Speaker 1: And taking responsibility doesn't mean that you have to sit

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Speaker 1: on an island by yourself, like, that's not what it is.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes responsibility involves asking for help, like that's a very

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Speaker 1: responsible thing to do. Asking for help is a very

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Speaker 1: responsible thing to do as a human, as an adult.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes responsibility means being courageous, like being courageous enough to

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Speaker 1: have the hard conversation because like I said, most people

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Speaker 1: don't want to have that if we don't have to.

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Speaker 1: No one is just like I want conflict in my life, well,

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Speaker 1: no one who's in a healthy spot. So if we

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Speaker 1: can avoid it, we're going to. But avoiding conflict and

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Speaker 1: avoiding these feelings doesn't make them not real. And you

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Speaker 1: are the one here that is sitting in the reality

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Speaker 1: of what it means in your friendships, not anybody else.

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Speaker 1: And I just like hate that for you because you're

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Speaker 1: already struggling you're already struggling in heartbreak and in this

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Speaker 1: weirdness of your friends, like you deserve some help avoiding

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Speaker 1: your feelings the same thing with avoiding conflict. It does

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Speaker 1: not make them go away. It just pushes them and

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Speaker 1: moves them and and creates resentment and put some of

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Speaker 1: places they don't belong, and it just keeps you farther

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Speaker 1: away from getting what you actually need and what you

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Speaker 1: actually deserve. So I'm going to end this in something

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Speaker 1: that I say often, But you know you know what

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Speaker 1: you need better than than you think, like I think

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Speaker 1: you know what you want to do. Here, it's giving

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Speaker 1: yourself the permission to really feel like that's okay for

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Speaker 1: you to ask for, Or it's giving yourself permission to

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Speaker 1: have the conversation that's hard. It's it's giving yourself permission

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Speaker 1: to do something scary. Because you sound like a rational

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Speaker 1: person like I, I empathize with this a lot, and

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Speaker 1: it would be a really hard place to be. So

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Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to offer yourself from permission

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Speaker 1: that you've been waiting on other people to give you

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Speaker 1: because you don't you don't need that. You need to

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Speaker 1: listen to what your your body is telling you because

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Speaker 1: a lot of times our bodies are really smart. Not

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Speaker 1: a lot of times, all the time, most of the time,

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Speaker 1: and uh yeah, you deserve to get your needs met,

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Speaker 1: just like anybody else in this world. So I hope

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Speaker 1: that was helpful and got you thinking. If anything, I

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Speaker 1: hope it just makes you feel less alone, because I

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Speaker 1: know there are people that are are listening to this

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Speaker 1: that are like, oh my gosh, me too. And so

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Speaker 1: maybe you didn't write this question, but you're like, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, I'm in this. Um, you're not the only one.

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Speaker 1: And if you're feeling like it's tough and you're feeling

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Speaker 1: like it's hard, it's probably because it is. It's not

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Speaker 1: because there's something wrong with you. So give yourself some

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Speaker 1: permission to do some stuff. In a I don't know

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Speaker 1: where I saw it, but maybe I read it, or

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Speaker 1: maybe it was in a Oh I read it in

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Speaker 1: a Burnet Brown book, she talked about writing permission slips,

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Speaker 1: and so there was a practice where she would take

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Speaker 1: post it notes since she would like write permission slips

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Speaker 1: almost like you would get in like school of like

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Speaker 1: you have permission to leave school early. It's like, okay,

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Speaker 1: you have permission to feel sad for twenty minutes or

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Speaker 1: whatever it is. She would write permission slips for herself

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Speaker 1: and then she would engage in those things as a

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Speaker 1: practice and then they would feel more natural after a while.

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Speaker 1: So maybe today you just need to write down, um,

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Speaker 1: some permissions that you want to practice before you get

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Speaker 1: to doing this scary hard thing and asking for some

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Speaker 1: support and some help and some boundaries with your friends.

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Speaker 1: So my heart goes out to you, and I hope

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Speaker 1: this is helpful. And anybody who has a question that

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Speaker 1: you want me to talk about again, you can send

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Speaker 1: it to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: You can follow the podcast at you Need Therapy Podcast

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. You can follow me at Cat dot de

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Speaker 1: fata on Instagram. And we would love it if you

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Speaker 1: would rate and review this podcast. If you scroll to

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Speaker 1: the bottom, give us a little five stars please, and

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Speaker 1: if you want to leave a comment, leave a comment.

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Speaker 1: I would love that. I love reading feedback from you guys,

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Speaker 1: So have the day you need to have. If you

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Speaker 1: haven't heard yet another little trying to wrap this up,

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Speaker 1: but also I want to tell you, guys this you

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Speaker 1: haven't heard. I am starting to do Amy Brown's Four

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Speaker 1: Things with Amy Brown. She has her podcast as well.

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to do her Tuesday episode with her. So

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Speaker 1: every Tuesday we have little conversations around a lot of

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Speaker 1: times emails that people send into her, and it's really

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Speaker 1: fun because you get to hear us have a conversation

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Speaker 1: with each other around sometimes things similar to that I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about here. So if you are not a listener

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Speaker 1: of Four Things with Amy Brown, please do that and

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Speaker 1: subscribe to it. And if you want to hear more

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Speaker 1: conversations like this but me talking to other people and

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Speaker 1: not just myself, um and listen to her Tuesday episodes.

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Speaker 1: We have not named it yet right now, we're just

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Speaker 1: going with Amy and cat chats. But we'll see, we'll

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Speaker 1: see what happens. If you have an idea, send it

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Speaker 1: into me. But I hope you guys have the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have, and thank you for being here

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Speaker 1: today and I will talk to you guys on Monday.