WEBVTT - Betrayal Weekly: EP 20 - Carmen Rita Wong 0:00:01.800 --> 0:00:04.880 I wanted her love so bad, and she couldn't love 0:00:04.920 --> 0:00:09.040 me enough to tell me the truth even before she died. 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:27.639 I'm Andrea Gunning and this is Betrayal, a show about 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:30.960 the people we trust the most and the deceptions that 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:37.640 change everything. Carmen Rita Wong grew up in New York 0:00:37.640 --> 0:00:41.800 in the seventies. Her earliest memories are of her mom, Lupe. 0:00:42.280 --> 0:00:44.320 Lupe was glamorous. 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:49.960 She was always dressed to the nines and the red lipstick. She, 0:00:50.320 --> 0:00:54.160 along with my grandmother Maya Bola, both from the Dominican Republic, 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:58.320 were seamstresses for Oscar de la Rena, who was Dominican 0:00:58.440 --> 0:01:01.360 and employed a lot of the Dominican and immigrants to 0:01:01.360 --> 0:01:02.040 New York City. 0:01:02.880 --> 0:01:05.600 Oscar dal la Renta was one of the most expensive 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:09.880 and exclusive designers in the world. First ladies and movie 0:01:09.920 --> 0:01:11.840 stars wore his designs. 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:16.480 And they dressed up to be seamstress's Maaguila as well, 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:19.920 always in an Oscar suit that she had probably made 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:20.760 with her own hands. 0:01:21.200 --> 0:01:24.440 Carmen was raised in Harlem, and she's proud of where 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:25.160 she came from. 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:31.680 The neighborhood we lived in was mostly Dominican immigrants. Puerto 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:36.800 Rican basically of all colors. So for me going to 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:39.480 day care, being around my cousins lived across the street, 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:42.560 My grandfather's cleaners was on the corner, and we all 0:01:42.600 --> 0:01:51.480 just coexisted in a very great supportive way. Colorful, texture, smells, 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:53.240 just the richness of it. 0:01:53.160 --> 0:02:01.240 All, not money but life, thing that even now I 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:04.120 look back on with nostalgia. 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:07.560 Carmen's parents were separated. She lived with her mom and 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:09.760 spent the weekends with her dad in Chinatown. 0:02:11.919 --> 0:02:13.880 We call him Poppy, Poppy Wong. 0:02:14.880 --> 0:02:17.000 She thought he was the epitome of cool. 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:22.280 He was like a Chinese Johnny Cash, That's what he 0:02:22.320 --> 0:02:25.280 looked like to me, with a black leather jacket and 0:02:25.760 --> 0:02:27.959 slick black pants. Senec pompadour. 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:34.640 Carmen and her older brother Alex cherished these weekends with 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:36.280 Poppy in his neighborhood. 0:02:37.200 --> 0:02:39.560 He loved to take us to these very fancy Chinese 0:02:39.639 --> 0:02:43.560 restaurants where his boss would be like sitting on a 0:02:43.639 --> 0:02:47.280 higher level in the restaurant for more important people, for 0:02:47.320 --> 0:02:47.960 the VIPs. 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:50.920 She didn't know what her father did for work, but 0:02:51.040 --> 0:02:53.400 whatever it was, it was important. 0:02:54.160 --> 0:02:56.400 We'd be snaking through the restaurant and he'd be saying 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:59.680 Hi to everybody and bring us up and introduce us 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:01.760 to his and the people and show us off. 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:07.680 But in Chinatown, Carmen stood out. She and Alex looked 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:09.480 more Dominican than Chinese. 0:03:10.639 --> 0:03:12.520 We got stared at a little bit, but we very 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:15.359 much felt like we were wongs. This is where we belonged. 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:19.760 Even though Poppy wasn't around every day, he supported Carmen 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:21.000 and Alex financially. 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:26.359 He would show up with a wad of bills and 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:29.080 he would love to tease my brother and I and say, 0:03:29.120 --> 0:03:30.920 you know, do you want one hundred dollars? You want 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:33.359 two hundred dollars? You know how many dollars do you want? 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:36.840 When the weekend was over, Poppy would bring the kids 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:40.640 back up town. My mother and Poppy were cordial. I 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:44.960 think what I saw was my mother smiling and being 0:03:44.960 --> 0:03:49.760 cordial because she wanted him to support us and help 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:51.080 support his children. 0:03:51.960 --> 0:03:55.680 Their parents' separation forged a strong bond between Carmen and 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:56.680 her brother Alex. 0:03:57.760 --> 0:04:00.320 Because my mother was working, because Poppy wasn't living with us, 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:03.680 and we were shuttled in between people during the day. 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:08.000 My big brother was my protector. He was the only 0:04:08.040 --> 0:04:09.040 constant in my life. 0:04:11.960 --> 0:04:15.200 They hung out after school watching Godzilla and Kung Fu 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:18.359 movies on the floor of their aunts, cousins and friends 0:04:18.440 --> 0:04:22.799 living rooms. But then one day Carmen and Alex found 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:26.279 themselves in an apartment they didn't recognize. 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:30.600 I remember one day my mother bringing us to a 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:35.520 man's apartment. He was a white man. He had a 0:04:35.640 --> 0:04:40.080 mustache and this big seventies kind of curly hair, and 0:04:40.200 --> 0:04:44.839 glasses and smoked a pipe and you seemed very educated. 0:04:46.040 --> 0:04:47.760 The two of us were thinking at the same time, 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:50.080 something's happening, What is happening. 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.680 She and her brother started sleeping over at this man's apartment. 0:04:56.480 --> 0:04:59.400 I remember the first time this man call him Marty. 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:02.760 In the morning, woke up and made us breakfast, which 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:07.560 we'd never seen a man in the kitchen before. Woke 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:11.640 up and made us eggs, soggy eggs, and then offered 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:14.919 ketchup with the egg and my brother was horrified and 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:17.640 refused to eat anything. And I remember just looking at 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:19.799 this guy and looking at the way my mother looked 0:05:19.800 --> 0:05:24.320 at him, and I realized I needed him to like me. 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:32.000 So I was like, okay to the ketchup on the eggs. 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:36.800 Marty and Loupe's relationship moved very quickly. They started dating 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:39.400 and then marriage. 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:43.080 It was that sudden. It was boom, boom boom. It 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:45.359 almost felt as if there was no time in between. 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:47.760 It could have been in the matter of a couple 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:48.280 of months. 0:05:49.640 --> 0:05:53.400 Without warning, Lupe and Marty decided to move the family 0:05:54.480 --> 0:05:55.960 to New Hampshire. 0:05:56.520 --> 0:06:00.560 Away from all of our family, away from Egg, everybody 0:06:00.600 --> 0:06:04.160 and everything we knew, to a place that was completely 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:05.240 might as well have been Mars. 0:06:06.760 --> 0:06:09.200 The marriage and the move to New Hampshire was a 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:12.760 big adjustment. Even just getting around town was a new experience. 0:06:13.520 --> 0:06:16.039 Carmen's mom lived in New York City for her entire 0:06:16.120 --> 0:06:18.880 adult life and didn't know how to drive a car. 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:22.680 So my stepfather, Marty, had to teach her how to drive. 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:25.320 And the only time he could do that was after work, 0:06:26.200 --> 0:06:28.360 and it was dark and we were in our little 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:33.120 neighborhood and we get pulled over on our street, my 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:36.560 brother and I in the back seat, and I don't 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:41.200 know what's happening. This is terrifying, And a police officer 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:46.720 says to my stepfather, we got a report of some 0:06:46.839 --> 0:06:52.520 Puerto Ricans in the neighborhood. And thankfully my stepfather, of course, 0:06:52.560 --> 0:06:54.560 you know as a white man was just like no officer. 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:56.400 We lived right you know, and his driver's license had 0:06:56.440 --> 0:06:58.040 our address. We lived right down the street. 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:03.080 This was the first time she realized that she could 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:05.160 be judged by the color of her skin. 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:09.680 So to all of a sudden be told that we 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:15.560 looked bad therefore were bad, bad enough to call the 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:23.040 police on our own street. That message stuck with me. 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:30.520 Forever, and the culture shock didn't end there. 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:34.560 When I started grade school there, my brother and I 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:39.480 were just in for the shock of our lives. We 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:47.960 were the only brown, black nation people around her. 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:51.080 Mother taught her that being a good student was a 0:07:51.080 --> 0:07:53.400 way to blend in, to assimilate. 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:57.560 My mother was constantly drilling into my head education was 0:07:57.600 --> 0:08:01.000 the way to make it in this country. She was 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:05.680 a very smart woman who had to leave her country 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:09.240 and leave school at the age of fifteen, so she 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:14.120 channeled all of her ambition into me. And I wanted 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.280 my mother's love, so I had to get those a's 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:20.400 because she loved me. When I got a's, I just 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:21.560 became the model student. 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:26.200 Loupe enrolled Carmen in Catholic school or her teachers were nuns. 0:08:28.280 --> 0:08:31.240 One night at a parent teacher conference. 0:08:31.320 --> 0:08:37.000 Sister Rita, I'll never forget, says to my mother, Carmen's 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:41.480 so smart and she's doing so great. It's because she's Chinese. 0:08:41.480 --> 0:08:47.280 It's the Chinese in her. I was proud for a 0:08:47.440 --> 0:08:50.600 split second because I was a Wong, so I'm you know, 0:08:50.679 --> 0:08:52.840 I was proud of being a wom was her split second. 0:08:53.000 --> 0:08:55.760 But then I looked at my mother's face and I 0:08:55.840 --> 0:09:01.560 realized she was not the Wong. In the car ride home, 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:05.400 I wanted to assess my mother because I felt like 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:09.440 she might have been hurt by that comment, and so 0:09:09.520 --> 0:09:13.320 I said, you know, mommy sister Rita said I was 0:09:13.360 --> 0:09:18.480 smart because I was Chinese, and my mother just did 0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:23.120 a Mona Lisa smile and that was it. But I 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.640 knew she was not only okay, but she somehow had 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:30.760 something one up on this nun. 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:34.840 Not only did Carmen feel like an outsider at school, 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:37.880 but she began feeling that way in her own family, 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:41.160 especially as her mom and Marty started having children of 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:41.840 their own. 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:44.360 By the time I was eleven years old, there were 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:48.920 four children under the age of six in the house 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:52.520 my sisters. They had a different last name and having 0:09:52.520 --> 0:09:58.080 a white father, they were treated differently, so I felt 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:04.360 like an orbiting moon, like I didn't belong. I begged 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:07.960 my stepfather to adopt me, for me to change my name. 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:10.920 I so wanted to be part of this new family, 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:14.040 but they kept telling me no. 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:20.040 Lupey reminded Carmen and Alex that they already had a 0:10:20.080 --> 0:10:23.000 father back in New York and that he was the 0:10:23.040 --> 0:10:24.640 one supporting them financially. 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:29.880 She explained to me from very young age that anything 0:10:30.440 --> 0:10:33.240 that was mine and my brother's, whether it was tuition, 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:39.760 clothing expenses, anything was paid for by Poppy, and that 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:43.559 my stepfather, besides the roof over our head and the 0:10:43.600 --> 0:10:45.920 food at the dinner table, was not contributing to my 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:47.360 brother and I at all. 0:10:48.320 --> 0:10:51.720 She missed Poppy and their weekends together in Chinatown. 0:10:52.360 --> 0:10:55.600 I went from seeing him a lot to barely seeing 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:58.760 him only a few times a year. So I was 0:10:58.840 --> 0:10:59.760 looking for her Dad. 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:04.760 Marty, even though he was distant, was the closest thing 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:07.760 she had, so she started to call him dad. 0:11:09.080 --> 0:11:12.280 It was another plea to just be a part of 0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:16.920 this family, and I had four little sisters who called 0:11:17.000 --> 0:11:17.480 him dad. 0:11:18.720 --> 0:11:21.040 She and Marty developed their own kind of bond. 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:25.760 My way of getting close to Marty was involving myself 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:29.800 in whatever he was doing, whether it was changing a 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:33.640 tire or fixing the car, chopping wood or grilling a 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:36.800 burger or reading the Wall Street Journal. I became this 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:39.600 surrogate boy of his. 0:11:40.600 --> 0:11:43.160 It went on this way well into her teenage years, 0:11:43.920 --> 0:11:46.520 especially when Alex graduated from high school. 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:51.920 My brother left for college, which broke my heart. I 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:53.400 missed him so much. 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:57.640 He'd been the only person Carmen felt like was truly hers, 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:02.319 the only one who really under stood her. Poppy was 0:12:02.360 --> 0:12:06.840 financing Alex's education at an elite college, and in the 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:08.480 summers he. 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:11.560 Would go work with Poppy to earn basically extra money 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:13.160 for college. 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.360 One summer, Alex was helping Poppy at his job delivering 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.760 boxes of costume jewelry around New York. 0:12:22.040 --> 0:12:23.920 And then one night, my mother comes to my room. 0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:27.800 I'm studying, and she does that thing when the parents 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:29.760 want to talk to about something serious. They sit next 0:12:29.760 --> 0:12:33.680 to you in the bed. I'm like, what's up, mom, 0:12:34.800 --> 0:12:39.640 and she says, Poppy and your brother have been arrested. 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:48.240 It turned out those deliveries Poppy was making well, Underneath 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.000 the jewelry in the boxes. 0:12:52.000 --> 0:12:52.959 Was heroin. 0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:09.000 While she was in high school, Carmen Rita Wong's father 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:13.479 was arrested for trafficking heroine. Poppy had always been mysterious 0:13:13.559 --> 0:13:17.680 and constantly had lots of cash, but she had no 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:21.000 idea what he really did for work, and it turned 0:13:21.000 --> 0:13:24.880 out neither did her older brother, Alex, who'd been making 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:26.280 deliveries with their dad. 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:31.960 I'm in shock. I can't even fathom what's happening. My 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:37.440 brother was the most straight and narrow straight a never 0:13:37.480 --> 0:13:39.720 got in trouble. Was not like a party or drink 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:44.440 or nothing, full on nerd. I was stunned. 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:48.800 The cops figured out pretty quickly that Alex was oblivious to. 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:55.000 Poppy scheme, and my mother told me, thank God, gracias adios. 0:13:55.040 --> 0:14:01.479 She would say, my brother lost it so badly, crying 0:14:01.720 --> 0:14:06.600 and begging, absolutely having a mental breakdown. The cops were like, 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:08.719 there is no way that you knew what was going on. 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.680 She was relieved for Alex, but also furious at Poppy 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:18.080 for putting him in that situation. Ultimately, Poppy was sentenced 0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:19.240 to ten years in prison. 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:22.840 My mother because she was so strident about making it 0:14:22.880 --> 0:14:27.040 in this country, doing something that would get you arrested, 0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:32.280 you know, you're dead to me, he was undeserving of mention. 0:14:35.160 --> 0:14:39.120 But my mother said, here's the big news for you. 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:44.240 There's no more money. There's nobody paying for your college 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:48.440 because Marty is not going to contribute. 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:51.200 Around the same time, Marty lost his. 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:55.600 Job and he was not able to find work for years. 0:14:56.240 --> 0:14:58.800 So all of a sudden, my mother and my four 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:01.160 sisters were living off of his savings. 0:15:02.880 --> 0:15:06.080 When she graduated high school, Carmen was on her own. 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:11.880 My mother her basic mantras, you're old enough, go. 0:15:11.840 --> 0:15:15.800 Work, and that's what Carmen did. She moved back to 0:15:15.800 --> 0:15:19.200 New York City, where she worked and put herself through college. 0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:22.680 And I was just all full steam ahead. I had 0:15:22.880 --> 0:15:23.760 to succeed. 0:15:25.080 --> 0:15:28.960 In her twenties, Carmen began her career. She'd always wanted 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.000 to be a writer, and she was offered a. 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:34.000 Job and they said, okay, well there's an opening and 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:38.360 the Time Life Building, which is legendary. I was excited. 0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:42.720 I wanted to work at Time or People, and they said, oh, 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:46.920 it's Money magazine, and I said, well, even in my twenties, 0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:49.560 I knew get your foot in the door, sister, get 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:51.880 your foot in the door. And I ended up at 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:52.560 Money magazine. 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:58.840 Carmen was finding her independence, solidifying her sense of self. Meanwhile, 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:02.720 things back in New Hampshire were falling apart. Marty never 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:05.200 recovered financially after he lost his job. 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:10.480 My mother's white Knight had fallen off his horse and 0:16:10.680 --> 0:16:15.360 wasn't getting back on it, and she was wildly disappointed. 0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:18.560 She felt like she had gave birth to all these 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:22.400 kids and given them this fantasy, and he was disappointing 0:16:22.400 --> 0:16:24.920 her and their marriage did not survive. 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.280 She wasn't surprised to hear the news about Lupe and 0:16:28.360 --> 0:16:31.760 Marty's divorce, but for Carmen, life in New Hampshire was 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:35.400 in the rear view mirror. She and her brother Alex 0:16:35.560 --> 0:16:38.680 had both settled in New York and as adults it 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:40.200 became closer than ever. 0:16:41.640 --> 0:16:44.480 I have my midtown job and I had my own 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:47.400 apartment back up town with my Dominican people up in 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:50.920 Washington Heights, and I get a call from my brother 0:16:51.800 --> 0:16:54.840 and we talked a lot. But this call was later 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:58.120 than usual, and his tone was different, and I was like, well, 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:02.240 what's up, and say oh I talked to mom okay. 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:06.320 After her divorce, Lupe threw herself into religion part of 0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:09.720 that process for her meant reconciling decisions she'd made in 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:12.720 the past. So she called Alex to make a kind 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:18.359 of confession. Lupey told Alex she had terminated pregnancies both 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:22.040 before Carmen and after, and. 0:17:21.800 --> 0:17:24.280 We both kind of just stood there on the line 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:30.280 in silence. That just seems odd, right, Like why would you? 0:17:31.240 --> 0:17:34.520 Why was I. 0:17:33.200 --> 0:17:37.920 Why had lupe chosen to keep Carmen. The confession brought 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:40.639 up those same feelings Carmen had for a long time, 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:44.919 the sense that she was missing something, that she didn't 0:17:44.960 --> 0:17:46.320 have all the information. 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:49.879 I couldn't put my finger on it, and I just 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:54.960 could not shake this nagging feeling that something was wrong. 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:01.160 Carmen was well into adulthood now she wondered how much 0:18:01.200 --> 0:18:04.320 did she really know about her own story? Was there 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:08.359 something her mother wasn't telling her? There was a story. 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:12.400 About me, the story that she was not telling any 0:18:12.480 --> 0:18:15.719 of us, and it didn't jibe with who I was. 0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:20.359 I was getting close to thirty, and it was a 0:18:20.359 --> 0:18:24.600 big mystery. But just as she began to ask those questions, 0:18:25.640 --> 0:18:29.600 I get a call from my sister from the hospital 0:18:30.400 --> 0:18:36.200 saying I'm in the hospital with mom. She has calling 0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:41.959 cancer stage four, stage four. I said, how do they 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:44.240 know it's stage four? You just got to the emergency room. 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:48.480 They had just tried to change her into a gown 0:18:48.600 --> 0:18:52.040 and they could see all the tumors everywhere, all over 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:53.240 her body. 0:18:53.440 --> 0:18:57.800 Loupe was dying and if Carmen wanted the truth, she 0:18:57.880 --> 0:19:01.199 was running out of time. That's when she got an 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:05.880 unexpected call from Marty. By this point, he was divorced 0:19:05.880 --> 0:19:08.119 from Lupe and living in Rhode Island. 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:11.800 So when he called me, I was pretty shocked. I 0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:14.879 automatically was like, something's wrong. I was like, what's going on? 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:19.760 Are you okay? And he said, I need you to 0:19:19.800 --> 0:19:23.160 come visit me. He wouldn't tell me, but I knew 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:23.840 it was serious. 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:27.080 So she made the trip to see. 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:30.200 Him, and we're at the kitchen table and he says 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:35.600 to me, I gotta tell you, Poppy's not your father. 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:48.800 Every cell in my body was just angry. I said, okay, 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:53.359 who is? And I knew what he was going to say, 0:19:54.400 --> 0:19:56.919 but I wanted to hear him say it. And he 0:19:57.000 --> 0:20:06.240 said I am. I burst into tears, burning angry tears, 0:20:06.640 --> 0:20:07.800 could not stop crying. 0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:11.000 Marty had known all along. 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:15.520 So I'm thirty years old, and I'm hearing for the 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:18.520 first time that my parents, the first people you're supposed 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:20.560 to trust in the world, the first people that you're 0:20:20.560 --> 0:20:27.119 supposed to learn what trust is, lied to me. I 0:20:27.240 --> 0:20:32.639 was so angry, especially since I had begged so hard 0:20:32.760 --> 0:20:35.680 to be a part of this family. And then there 0:20:35.840 --> 0:20:38.960 was this this whole idea of how Marty was not 0:20:38.960 --> 0:20:40.320 allowed to financially support me. 0:20:40.920 --> 0:20:45.159 Carmen had been explicitly told for decades that Marty wasn't 0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:49.879 her dad, and because of that, Pappy Wong supported them financially. 0:20:50.560 --> 0:20:53.359 The lie was like a wall that had been built 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:56.720 in her family, and Carmen was left on the outside. 0:20:57.400 --> 0:21:00.480 My sisters didn't have to struggle so much. They were 0:21:00.520 --> 0:21:03.680 taken care of financially, but I was left to flail. 0:21:04.560 --> 0:21:08.400 What was that all about? So you're saying, now I'm yours, 0:21:09.119 --> 0:21:11.800 but you didn't take care of me. You didn't you know? 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:14.080 I have no safety net? Where were you? 0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:19.760 Carmen left Marty's house, enraged and in shock. 0:21:20.520 --> 0:21:24.520 When I got back to New York, my apartment was 0:21:24.560 --> 0:21:30.040 decorated with this wonderful framed Chinese silk screen print that 0:21:30.080 --> 0:21:31.520 had gotten in Chinatown. 0:21:32.080 --> 0:21:34.960 It was in that moment that she asked herself a 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:36.200 bigger question. 0:21:36.840 --> 0:21:38.120 Was I Chinese anymore? 0:21:39.280 --> 0:21:41.800 She felt like she was being stripped of her identity 0:21:41.840 --> 0:21:45.479 as a Chinese Dominican woman. It was an identity she 0:21:45.600 --> 0:21:48.960 loved and had proudly carried for thirty years. 0:21:49.560 --> 0:21:53.840 How do I feel authentic as a human being? Like 0:21:53.880 --> 0:21:56.840 if your whole story is a lie, how do you 0:21:56.920 --> 0:21:59.080 feel authentic as a person. 0:22:00.320 --> 0:22:03.000 As angry as she was at Marty, she knew who 0:22:03.080 --> 0:22:04.760 was actually behind this story. 0:22:05.560 --> 0:22:10.199 I just saw in all of this the machinations of 0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:17.399 my mother, who ruled the roost in the sense of 0:22:17.440 --> 0:22:20.439 what gets told and what doesn't get told. She needed 0:22:20.480 --> 0:22:23.239 to talk to her mom directly. She had only been 0:22:23.280 --> 0:22:28.439 given months to live, and I had to know if 0:22:28.440 --> 0:22:29.760 it was true. 0:22:29.880 --> 0:22:32.080 So Carmen went to visit her mom in person. 0:22:33.040 --> 0:22:36.840 I saw her and her emaciated frame and hugged her 0:22:36.840 --> 0:22:42.320 and we cried. But I still was strident inside because 0:22:42.359 --> 0:22:45.000 I knew that I was there to confront her about something. 0:22:45.720 --> 0:22:49.240 It was a horrible position to be in, confronting her 0:22:49.240 --> 0:22:52.959 mother about a lie at the very end of her life. 0:22:53.200 --> 0:22:57.960 What made me very, very sad was that this had 0:22:58.000 --> 0:23:00.639 to come out right before she was dying, and what 0:23:00.760 --> 0:23:04.040 made me triply sad was that she was going to 0:23:04.119 --> 0:23:06.639 die without telling me. 0:23:07.520 --> 0:23:10.439 This was Carmen's last chance to get the truth from 0:23:10.480 --> 0:23:11.120 her mom. 0:23:11.800 --> 0:23:14.399 And I told her what Marty told me. 0:23:15.200 --> 0:23:17.639 At first, Lupey was defensive. 0:23:18.400 --> 0:23:22.680 She did her typical Loupe thing, Wow, dare he tell 0:23:22.720 --> 0:23:26.120 you something that that was mine? It was my secret, 0:23:26.160 --> 0:23:32.119 it was my truth. And I reminded her, no, it 0:23:32.160 --> 0:23:35.800 was mine. Okay what happened? 0:23:36.920 --> 0:23:40.119 And so lou Bay broke down and told Carmen the 0:23:40.119 --> 0:23:45.960 full story. It started well before Alex and Carmen were born. 0:23:46.840 --> 0:23:49.720 She explained that her marriage to Poppy was never a 0:23:49.760 --> 0:23:53.240 love marriage. It was arranged by Lupey's father. 0:23:54.440 --> 0:23:58.960 He married off my mother and her sister to essentially 0:23:59.280 --> 0:24:05.879 Chinese gangsters for money. They had their paperwork and my 0:24:05.920 --> 0:24:10.920 mother and her sister didn't, so my grandfather arranged their 0:24:10.960 --> 0:24:14.160 marriages ages of like nineteen and eighteen. 0:24:15.359 --> 0:24:19.400 Marrying Poppy Wong had been Lupe's pathway to American citizenship. 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:24.120 That's why she cared so much about assimilation, about Carmen 0:24:24.240 --> 0:24:27.639 making it in this country. But Lupey was never in 0:24:27.680 --> 0:24:30.440 love with Poppy. He was a means to an end, 0:24:31.320 --> 0:24:35.040 and Marty, in his own way, was too. She was like, 0:24:35.119 --> 0:24:37.720 I need to get us the best odds. That's the 0:24:37.760 --> 0:24:41.960 reason why she married an Anglo American. Marrying Marty might 0:24:42.000 --> 0:24:46.520 have been opportunistic, but Lupey had actually loved him. She'd 0:24:46.600 --> 0:24:48.920 been seeing him on the side while in her arranged 0:24:48.920 --> 0:24:53.800 marriage to Poppy, and even gotten pregnant with Marty multiple times. 0:24:54.280 --> 0:24:56.399 She and Marty weren't going to have children of their 0:24:56.440 --> 0:24:59.200 own while Lubay was still legally married to another man. 0:25:01.200 --> 0:25:04.200 When Lupe found out she was pregnant with Carmen. 0:25:04.240 --> 0:25:07.719 Her story was she was in the car with her sister, 0:25:07.840 --> 0:25:12.480 was driving, pulling up into the clinic, and Poppy Wong 0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:17.280 showed up. Poppy showed up and said, no, don't do it. 0:25:18.200 --> 0:25:21.960 Poppy was certain this baby was his. Poppy val to 0:25:22.000 --> 0:25:25.439 take care of the baby, to support her, and that 0:25:25.560 --> 0:25:27.120 was enough for Lubey. 0:25:27.359 --> 0:25:32.359 She said that because Marty didn't want me, that he 0:25:32.480 --> 0:25:37.240 had no right to me. But because Poppy wanted me, 0:25:39.119 --> 0:25:42.440 I was his child, that was my father. He had 0:25:42.480 --> 0:25:45.720 the right to me. And she was going to live 0:25:45.880 --> 0:25:48.040 the rest of her life and go to her grave 0:25:49.080 --> 0:25:54.560