1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:21,640 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,280 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:30,319 Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,280 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here 8 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 2: back for another episode as we of course break down 9 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,720 Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. If you have been around 10 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:43,159 Speaker 2: for a little while, you might remember that at the 11 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 2: start of each year, I kind of like to set 12 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 2: a theme for the next twelve months to come as 13 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:53,159 Speaker 2: part of like our Welcome to the New Year like 14 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:56,720 Speaker 2: podcast series that I do every new year. For twenty 15 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:01,440 Speaker 2: twenty five, this year's intention it was the year for 16 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 2: trusting yourself, which to me, I think really meant like 17 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 2: letting yourself be a little bit afraid, trusting yourself in 18 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,679 Speaker 2: situations you haven't been before, honoring your intuition, amongst many 19 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 2: other things. And today I wanted to kind of return 20 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,240 Speaker 2: to that New year pledge and do like a check 21 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 2: in for like the final what is it like, final 22 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:27,320 Speaker 2: third of the year. I'll be honest and I said 23 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 2: this in the initial episode. Trusting myself is something I've 24 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 2: always struggled with. I can think of so many moments 25 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:39,240 Speaker 2: where I knew deep down what was the right decision 26 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 2: for me, but I still asked five other people what 27 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 2: they thought, or I still hesitated everything from when I 28 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 2: wanted to break up with my first boyfriend to literally 29 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 2: like the other week, I was at Ikia and I 30 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 2: was like trying to decide what lamp to buy. This 31 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 2: like opinion shopping that I often do, either leads me 32 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:02,360 Speaker 2: to an outcome that I don't really want, not because 33 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,480 Speaker 2: of the other people but because of me, or it 34 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,880 Speaker 2: takes me so much longer to act on things that 35 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 2: were pretty emotionally in time sensitive, And later on I 36 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 2: look back and I think, why did I not just 37 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 2: listen to myself? Like in hindsight, it was so clear 38 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,160 Speaker 2: what I wanted, it was so clear what I was 39 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,520 Speaker 2: being called to do, and I just didn't have that 40 00:02:21,639 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 2: sense of trust that I actually was making the right 41 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 2: decision or that I could trust my intuition. Maybe you 42 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,440 Speaker 2: have been here too, that kind of like the tug 43 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 2: of war between your own instincts and the pressure of 44 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,680 Speaker 2: outside voices. It's definitely not easy, especially in your twenties, 45 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,560 Speaker 2: when I feel like we'd all just love for someone 46 00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 2: to give us the answer and to like kind of 47 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 2: play your life for you like a video game. But 48 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 2: what I've learned is that trusting yourself doesn't actually mean 49 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,639 Speaker 2: you're always going to get it right, the same way 50 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,639 Speaker 2: that if you put someone else in charge of your life, 51 00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:57,639 Speaker 2: they wouldn't always get it right either. It doesn't guarantee 52 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,320 Speaker 2: an outcome. What it really does is just give a 53 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,919 Speaker 2: sense of I trust myself, which means I'm going to 54 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 2: be fine anyways. And as I always say, the opposite 55 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:10,000 Speaker 2: of anxiety isn't calm, it's actually trust. So building that 56 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:15,400 Speaker 2: internal anchor and that internal system and process is like 57 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 2: one of the most crucial things that we can do 58 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:22,720 Speaker 2: during this decade. So in today's episode, we're going to 59 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 2: dive into why self trust is honestly so hard, how 60 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 2: trust can be the antidote to a lot of innate 61 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,120 Speaker 2: fears that this decade of life brings up for us, 62 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 2: and how we can kind of rebuild the connection with ou, 63 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 2: this inner voice that we all have, even if you 64 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,360 Speaker 2: can't hear it very clearly right now, How can we 65 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 2: rebuild that relationship using some essential psychology tools. I really 66 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:49,920 Speaker 2: hope that you guys enjoyed this episode, because if there's 67 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 2: one relationship that's going to carry you through life, it 68 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 2: is the one you have with yourself. And learning to 69 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 2: trust that person, the one who will make every decision 70 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 2: for you, be with you for every outcome, see you 71 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 2: through every setback, that is going to make you feel 72 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,200 Speaker 2: a lot more capable. So, without further ado, let's get 73 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:16,000 Speaker 2: into how we can fully trust ourselves. Trust is one 74 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:19,880 Speaker 2: of those words where I think tend to place in 75 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 2: the hands of others a lot. You know, we talk 76 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 2: about whether we can like trust our friends, whether our 77 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:29,280 Speaker 2: partners are trustworthy, whether like the people we've worked with 78 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 2: have like gained our confidence, whether we can like trust politicians. 79 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,599 Speaker 2: Trust is like this leap of faith for another person, 80 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 2: where if you're wrong, you can obviously fall pretty far. 81 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 2: But the deeper, more unsettling question that's often left unasked 82 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 2: is do I trust myself? Not only do I trust 83 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,719 Speaker 2: myself in my judgments of those people, but do I 84 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 2: actually believe that I can rely on my own judgment, 85 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 2: my own instincts, my own ability to handle whatever life 86 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,400 Speaker 2: is going to bring me Or is it the case 87 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:06,320 Speaker 2: that I kind of hide behind other people's opinions, hide 88 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:11,200 Speaker 2: behind indecision, hide behind kind of doing nothing. For many 89 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,320 Speaker 2: of us, especially in our twenties, you know, the answer 90 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,560 Speaker 2: is we probably don't trust ourselves fully. I at least 91 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 2: I go back and forth, sometimes feeling like I'm so 92 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:25,200 Speaker 2: in my element, I'm so prepared for whatever happens in life, 93 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:29,479 Speaker 2: and other times like just really feeling like the wind 94 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 2: could blow me over. And that's not because we're weak 95 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 2: or incapable. It's because our twenties are like uniquely challenging 96 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,479 Speaker 2: to this self trust. We've talked about this term before 97 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,600 Speaker 2: emerging adulthood. This is a term that was coined by 98 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,479 Speaker 2: the developmental psychologist defree n It, and he uses it 99 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:52,080 Speaker 2: to describe how uniquely tumultuous this period of our lives 100 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 2: is and how we are kind of playing what he 101 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 2: calls a roleless role, often shifting by hour, by day, 102 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 2: by week between different perspectives and essentially different versions of 103 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 2: ourselves and trying to find the right ones or one 104 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,920 Speaker 2: against like the backdrop of some pretty life defining choices, 105 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 2: meaning that you are sometimes going to make wrong choices. 106 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:19,719 Speaker 2: According to the future version of you. Sometimes you're going 107 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 2: to make wrong choices that later on you might regret. 108 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 2: That doesn't mean you can't trust yourself. It means that 109 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 2: you made the best decision at the time with what 110 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:33,440 Speaker 2: you knew now, and you made the best decision at 111 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,600 Speaker 2: the time with the identity that you thought was most 112 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,160 Speaker 2: true to yourself. But that doesn't always help. We don't 113 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 2: always have that perspective. We can actually be rather cruel 114 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 2: to our past selves and about the decisions that we're 115 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 2: currently making, and it means that we can feel kind 116 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:51,400 Speaker 2: of alienated from our own selves, Like why did I 117 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,280 Speaker 2: think that was a good idea? You know? Why did 118 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:55,040 Speaker 2: I end up here? Why did I think that was 119 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 2: a good decision. That's like a classic thing in our twenties, 120 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 2: especially as we get into our later twenties, of like Wow, 121 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,680 Speaker 2: why did I wear that? Why did I date that person? 122 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,479 Speaker 2: Why did I say that thing? Why did I take 123 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 2: that job? Not remembering that you know at the time, 124 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 2: that's what felt like the right thing to do. It's 125 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 2: all part of it. There's also this undercurrent of fear 126 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,720 Speaker 2: and kind of like what if thinking That definitely stalks 127 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,000 Speaker 2: a lot of the decisions that we're making. This really 128 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 2: does injure our self trust because we're constantly thinking, you know, 129 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 2: what if I'm wrong right now? What if I can't 130 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 2: handle the consequences? 131 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:29,840 Speaker 1: What if. 132 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,760 Speaker 2: You know, this one choice and the ten years of 133 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 2: choices that it leads me to mean that I end 134 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,600 Speaker 2: up having a lot of regrets or I regret my 135 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 2: life as a whole. That's a classic for me feeling 136 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 2: like I can't trust myself right now because I don't 137 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 2: have certainty around how the decision I'm currently making is 138 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 2: going to like impact me in the future. And I'm 139 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,480 Speaker 2: sure a lot of us are very familiar with this. 140 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,520 Speaker 2: I think one of the most paralyzing experiences of our 141 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 2: twenties is just this general anxiety have about the future. 142 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 2: Someone said this to me the other day, and I 143 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 2: love it. Anxiety basically thrives in the gap between what 144 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 2: we can't control and what we think we can't handle. 145 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,720 Speaker 2: If the world is uncertain and spoiler alert it is, 146 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,920 Speaker 2: and your brain believes you're helpless, which you're not, anxiety 147 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 2: has a lot of room to operate. You're not helpless, 148 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 2: even if you do end up making a few wrong choices, 149 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,920 Speaker 2: even if you do have moments of fear. Literally, there 150 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 2: are people who come back from hugely destructive life altering 151 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,720 Speaker 2: decisions and still live out incredible lives. You will as well. 152 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 2: I know this probably won't do much to ease your anxiety, though, 153 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 2: and that's because cognitive behavioral models of anxiety really talk 154 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,559 Speaker 2: about how there is this vicious cycle when it comes 155 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,560 Speaker 2: to our lack of trust in the future. Anxious people 156 00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:56,120 Speaker 2: I count myself as one of them. We constantly overestimate 157 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:59,680 Speaker 2: the threats in the environment or in the future, whilst 158 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 2: also underestimating our own ability to cope. And because we 159 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,959 Speaker 2: seriously do not acknowledge how much power we really have 160 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 2: and how much resilience we really have, it just feels 161 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 2: like anything we could tastripize about, any big life altering 162 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,320 Speaker 2: thing we can imagine each of them, could just be 163 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 2: the end of us. And we don't give ourselves enough 164 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,440 Speaker 2: credit for the fact that we will probably be okay. 165 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,400 Speaker 2: Not only will a lot of that stuff probably not happen, 166 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 2: but you are a lot more capable in those times 167 00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,679 Speaker 2: of crisis or even in those times of just like 168 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,320 Speaker 2: a little bit of negativity than you think. You are. 169 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 2: The antidote to that spiral of course is once again 170 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:47,720 Speaker 2: self trust, and that's sometimes the thing that feels the 171 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:50,440 Speaker 2: hardest in those moments, but it is the truest anchor 172 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 2: you can find. A recent study I think it was 173 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:56,839 Speaker 2: conducted last year at a university in South Korea, looked 174 00:09:56,840 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 2: at around eight hundred participants and it looked at what 175 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:06,680 Speaker 2: the most effective emotional antidote to anxiety was. They looked 176 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,319 Speaker 2: at things like hope, they looked at things like happiness, 177 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,439 Speaker 2: they looked at things like trust. And what they found 178 00:10:12,559 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 2: was not only did trust actually end up improving hope 179 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 2: and improving happiness and reducing anxiety, but self trust in 180 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 2: particular was most influential compared to trust in others, or 181 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 2: trust in an organization, or a trust in a god 182 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 2: or a religion. Self trust, which was basically measured by 183 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,080 Speaker 2: like confidence in our abilities, belief in our abilities, self respect, 184 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 2: it was the most influential thing measured in this study 185 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:46,920 Speaker 2: for improving anxiety. And yet I don't think it gets 186 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 2: mentioned much in the literature. When you trust yourself. I 187 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 2: think the secondary thing that we've kind of been coming 188 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 2: to is that you stop needing certainty and outcomes which 189 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 2: you're never going to find anyways. You know you don't 190 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,040 Speaker 2: have to know exactly how a situation will unfold because 191 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,240 Speaker 2: you know you can handle it. So it takes a 192 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,640 Speaker 2: lot of the warrior away. So often I think we 193 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 2: get like swept up in this idea that the antidote 194 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 2: to anxiety is control. If I could just predict or 195 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,200 Speaker 2: manage every possible outcome, well, i'd feel safe. If I 196 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:19,959 Speaker 2: just knew exactly how the situation would pan out, I 197 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:24,080 Speaker 2: wouldn't worry. And so control becomes kind of like a 198 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,439 Speaker 2: red herring that we are like constantly chasing, not realizing 199 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 2: that it is entirely an illusion and what keeps us 200 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:34,080 Speaker 2: really deeply entrenched in an exhausting, anxious pattern of thinking. 201 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,680 Speaker 2: It is like looking for a pot of gold at 202 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,600 Speaker 2: the end of the rainbow. That's how I always think 203 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 2: about it. Trust, on the other hand, unlike certainty, is real. 204 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,839 Speaker 2: It is the rainbow. It is practical, it is actionable, 205 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:50,640 Speaker 2: and it turns the focus away from external to internal. 206 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 2: We no longer need the illusion of certainty or trying 207 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 2: to seek reassurance from others to know that we'll be okay. Instead, 208 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 2: we can be really secure in the knowledge that whatever happens, 209 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,839 Speaker 2: you're going to be okay, and in that anxiety like 210 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 2: it doesn't have anything left, Like it really loosens its 211 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:12,079 Speaker 2: gript because it's like, okay, maybe we can't predict when 212 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,200 Speaker 2: the army will attack, but it doesn't matter because like 213 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:19,440 Speaker 2: my forces, my emotional forces, my forces of resilience, are 214 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:24,440 Speaker 2: super strong. So if self trust is so vital, why 215 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 2: do so many of us lack it? This is pretty 216 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 2: multi layered. I think the first reason is because yes, 217 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaker 2: there isn't that focus. It's also not taught for some 218 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,440 Speaker 2: of us. You know, it's gonna sound so cliche, but 219 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,760 Speaker 2: it always does seem to stretch back to childhood. If 220 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,239 Speaker 2: you grew up in an environment where your opinions weren't respected, 221 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,680 Speaker 2: where you were shamed for your mistakes or your feelings 222 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:50,959 Speaker 2: were dismissed, you may have internalized the message that your instincts, 223 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,880 Speaker 2: your relationship to your emotions, you know when you really 224 00:12:55,880 --> 00:13:00,520 Speaker 2: do require help, like all of those messages can't be trusted. Erickson, 225 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,199 Speaker 2: we talk about him again a lot. He's very famous. 226 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,880 Speaker 2: He developed the eight stages of psychosocial development back in 227 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:13,720 Speaker 2: the fifties. He basically suggested and noted that of all 228 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,640 Speaker 2: the stages that we go through from when we're a 229 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 2: child to when we're an adult. One of the most 230 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:23,240 Speaker 2: important ones is this trust versus mistrust stage. This takes 231 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:29,200 Speaker 2: place like around eighteen months to two years old, and 232 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:33,319 Speaker 2: according to him, this period is so crucial because it's 233 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 2: when our view of the world and ourselves and our 234 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 2: personalities and our abilities are really shaped, even if we 235 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,720 Speaker 2: don't have memory of that time. At this age, you know, 236 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,959 Speaker 2: we are completely dependent on our caregivers, and so how 237 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 2: our parents obviously interact with us has a big impact. 238 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 2: Aspects that can really build a sense of trust are 239 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:57,079 Speaker 2: things like the caregiver creating a safe environment for us 240 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 2: to make mistakes, or our caregivers being intentive to our needs, 241 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,440 Speaker 2: or offering reassurance when we are scared or distressed, basically 242 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 2: saying like, oh, you're having a reaction, you're having an emotion, 243 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,560 Speaker 2: you're having a feeling. Well, that must mean something. And 244 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 2: so by building trust in them and knowing that they're 245 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,280 Speaker 2: going to give that feeling attention or some kind of solution, 246 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 2: we also build trust in ourselves. You know, hopefully that 247 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 2: kind of makes sense. Of course, you know, things wouldn't 248 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,920 Speaker 2: have been perfect all the time. You know, when a 249 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 2: baby cries, sometimes it is really hard to figure out 250 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 2: what's wrong. But it's really about whether the trustworthy relationships 251 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 2: and interactions that we had outweighed the untrustworthy ones. If 252 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,920 Speaker 2: the positive does outweigh the bad, then, according to Ericsson, 253 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,400 Speaker 2: this gives us. This gives infants a good sense of 254 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 2: how to trust themselves as well and how to trust 255 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 2: the world around them all through that primary relationship. However, 256 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:56,640 Speaker 2: if bad interactions outweigh the good, if untrustworthy interactions outweigh 257 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 2: the trustworthy ones, and you know, we as children, having 258 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 2: been able to rationalize why that may be, we instead, 259 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 2: as he suggests, begin to internalize that completely, begin to 260 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,520 Speaker 2: turn it inward. Begin to believe we're unimportant, we're unlovable, 261 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 2: and also that we can't trust those around us. We 262 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:22,840 Speaker 2: also can't trust ourselves, or we can only trust ourselves. 263 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:29,520 Speaker 2: We lean towards hyperindependence, which can actually be equally unhealthy 264 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:35,040 Speaker 2: because hyperindependence actually isn't necessarily about self trust. It's again 265 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 2: about control. Hyperindependence is about feeling like the only person 266 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 2: you can rely on is you because you don't trust 267 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,440 Speaker 2: yourself in situations where you do need like a broader 268 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 2: set of skills, so I don't know if that makes 269 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,520 Speaker 2: sense to me. It definitely does, and like I think 270 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 2: about that, I'm like, oh, yep, that definitely sits. But 271 00:15:57,080 --> 00:16:00,200 Speaker 2: it's just important to understand how like along the way, 272 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,960 Speaker 2: think of trust as like this tree that has like 273 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 2: that needs to have really deep roots in order to 274 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:12,960 Speaker 2: stand tall in adulthood and you know, in our twenties, 275 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 2: and if at any point something has poisoned those roots, 276 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,200 Speaker 2: or something has made you believe that this tree is 277 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 2: shakable that you don't find support in the trunk of it, 278 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 2: like it's going to deeply injure you and harm you. 279 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,280 Speaker 2: Another significant element of this is perfectionism. You can really 280 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 2: see that, like what we're not We're not just talking 281 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,200 Speaker 2: about self trust again, We're talking about this competition between 282 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:42,080 Speaker 2: control and a reliance on ourselves. At first, I think 283 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 2: perfectionism can actually kind of seem like trust, much like hyperindependence, right, Like, 284 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 2: we prove to ourselves that we are capable through pushing 285 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,920 Speaker 2: beyond what we imagine. We strive for excellence and often 286 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,720 Speaker 2: this excellence is rewarded. We prove that we can trust 287 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 2: our abilities. But if we believe our self worth is 288 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 2: conditional on never failing every single mistake becomes proof that 289 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,080 Speaker 2: you can't trust yourself, and so you have to apply 290 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,400 Speaker 2: more pressure. You have to apply more force onto yourself 291 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,520 Speaker 2: to keep meeting your standard. This inner critic becomes a 292 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:16,399 Speaker 2: lot louder in your twenties, when I think the stakes 293 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 2: become a lot higher and you begin to feel an 294 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:23,120 Speaker 2: even greater sense of responsibility for your actions. Again, it's 295 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,520 Speaker 2: not about making the right decision that will continue to 296 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 2: work out in the future forever or and ever. It's 297 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,120 Speaker 2: just about being able to make a decision at all. 298 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 2: And often perfectionism is master's procrastination, which again is an 299 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,199 Speaker 2: indicator of a lack of self trust. If you cannot 300 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,080 Speaker 2: make a decision because you do not have confirmation that 301 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,560 Speaker 2: everything isn't going to turn out absolutely perfectly how you 302 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 2: would like it, you are going to procrastinate on that decision. 303 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 2: You're going to experience major decision paralysis. That's your perfectionism 304 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 2: at play. Again. It shows that deep down you don't 305 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 2: really think that you're capable of handling what might come 306 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:05,640 Speaker 2: if you can't predict or control the outcome from the 307 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 2: get go. I think also as a culture, we're also 308 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:13,720 Speaker 2: conditioned to outsource authority and that further kind of damages 309 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,080 Speaker 2: this tree or this compass or however you want to 310 00:18:16,119 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 2: visualize it. You know, algorithms these days tell us what 311 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,920 Speaker 2: to buy. I don't know about you, but like I'm 312 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,199 Speaker 2: just buying the first thing that shows up when I 313 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 2: google it, Like I don't really like trust myself to 314 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,200 Speaker 2: know what I want. Sometimes, you know, career guides tell 315 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,760 Speaker 2: us what the best route is and what our dream 316 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 2: job will be. Self help books give us like the 317 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,479 Speaker 2: perfect formula if you can just bring yourself to follow it. 318 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 2: You know, advice isn't bad in itself, but when we 319 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,800 Speaker 2: rely on it too much, we really do forget how 320 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,320 Speaker 2: to hear our own voice. And over time the silence 321 00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:53,440 Speaker 2: of that voice feels like it's absence, when really it's 322 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 2: just like waiting for us to tune back in. These 323 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 2: external factors perfectionism, childhood, outsourcing your thought already, they all 324 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 2: kind of play into each other to make it really 325 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,399 Speaker 2: difficult to break out and to just like come back 326 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:12,600 Speaker 2: to what is a deep human intuition that we all have. 327 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 2: This is the other thing. Self trust also means reconnecting 328 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 2: with like a really ancient information system and a really 329 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 2: ancient intuitive system that perhaps we've kind of forgotten and 330 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,960 Speaker 2: that perhaps we kind of don't have time to listen 331 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,920 Speaker 2: to because we are so busy, because we are required 332 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,880 Speaker 2: to make such urgent choices, because the stakes of this 333 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:47,160 Speaker 2: like modern day, feel very fast. Intuition is not always 334 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:52,480 Speaker 2: going to be the most urgent voice in the room. 335 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,760 Speaker 2: It might actually be the most calm. It might also 336 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,840 Speaker 2: need a little bit more time to rise to the surface. 337 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,760 Speaker 2: I know that sounds counter to what you may expect 338 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 2: or imagine intuition as, which is like that immediate reactional 339 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:10,199 Speaker 2: response to something happening in your environment that tells you 340 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,320 Speaker 2: that you're in danger. But the intuition we're talking about 341 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 2: is like a sense of like the intuition around a 342 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:19,000 Speaker 2: deeper sense of self. And I think in like a 343 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 2: modern context, we don't that intuitive sense of self doesn't 344 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:26,040 Speaker 2: have as much breathing room. And so of course, when 345 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:31,000 Speaker 2: we're constantly pushed into making quick, urgent decisions or wanting 346 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 2: to outsource our decision making, again, that muscle, that self 347 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:42,199 Speaker 2: trust muscle atrophies and continues to weaken. So we're going 348 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:45,720 Speaker 2: to talk about why that is, but also how we 349 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:50,399 Speaker 2: can rebuild that muscle, how we can re here. I 350 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,119 Speaker 2: don't know what's the right word. How we can I 351 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 2: gets tuned back into this like deep pool of self 352 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:03,200 Speaker 2: knowledge and self trust that we all innately have after 353 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:10,000 Speaker 2: this short break. I think if we want to learn 354 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:14,440 Speaker 2: how to implement self trust into our lives, we need 355 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 2: to first really understand what that actually looks and feels like. 356 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,679 Speaker 2: I think it can be tricky to describe, because, like 357 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 2: unlike external trust, where you can kind of assess how 358 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:28,400 Speaker 2: reliable someone is by past performance, sometimes we aren't as 359 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:34,760 Speaker 2: objective with ourselves. So here's your kind of guide to 360 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,679 Speaker 2: I guess what it feels like. Firstly, self trust means 361 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 2: following through on promises. If you say you'll stop work 362 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:46,679 Speaker 2: at six pm, you actually do it. If you commit 363 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 2: to calling your friend because they matter to you, you 364 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,200 Speaker 2: follow through. If you set a goal, if you set 365 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,480 Speaker 2: a boundary for your wellbeing, whether that's blocking someone, saying 366 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,919 Speaker 2: no to a draining event, knowing when you need to 367 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,119 Speaker 2: take a break, you don't abandon your self for the 368 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,600 Speaker 2: sake of approval. You really understand that you are the 369 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:10,320 Speaker 2: one who understands yourself the most. A really famous psychologist, 370 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 2: Carl Rogers, He described this as congruence, which is basically 371 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,800 Speaker 2: when what you feel on the inside aligns with how 372 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:21,320 Speaker 2: you show up on the outside. This is less about perfectionism, 373 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 2: it's less about consistency, it's less about control. The knowledge 374 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,480 Speaker 2: that you can count on yourself the same way, maybe 375 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,879 Speaker 2: even more than you want to count on others, is 376 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 2: just like this very deeply stable, calm feeling that there 377 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,040 Speaker 2: is someone who has your back and that person is you. 378 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:47,880 Speaker 2: I think self trust, actually I know self trust also 379 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:53,720 Speaker 2: feels like compassion. Think about it. If you constantly punish 380 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:58,240 Speaker 2: yourself when things go wrong, which they will, why would 381 00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 2: you ever risk trying again keep beating yourself up when 382 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 2: you make a mistake because you literally didn't know any better. 383 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 2: That doesn't sound like someone who trusts that they're going 384 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,840 Speaker 2: to be okay, even if it's not right now. But 385 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,600 Speaker 2: in the end, self trust, if you want to build it, 386 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,760 Speaker 2: it looks like speaking to yourself with the same tone 387 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,840 Speaker 2: you would use with a really close friend or with 388 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:23,040 Speaker 2: your baby sister, or with your childhood self. Instead of 389 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,879 Speaker 2: saying like, oh my god, I should have known better. 390 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 2: I'm such an idiot. This was like totally avoidable. It's 391 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:31,960 Speaker 2: more like saying, yeah, that was really hard, and this 392 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,960 Speaker 2: is a great opportunity to learn, And in those self 393 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,480 Speaker 2: directed moments of gentleness, you deepen that bond the way 394 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,479 Speaker 2: that a child would respond to gentle parenting, or like 395 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,200 Speaker 2: someone who lets them make errors and therefore allows them 396 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,919 Speaker 2: to test their boundaries more, allows them to trust themselves 397 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 2: more because they know they are in a safe company. 398 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,440 Speaker 2: The world can be really critical and really judgmental, Like 399 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,119 Speaker 2: if you're looking for someone to hate on you, if 400 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 2: you're looking for someone to tear you down, you can 401 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,200 Speaker 2: find someone like that pretty easily. So let someone else 402 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,720 Speaker 2: take care of the harshness. Let someone else be your bully. 403 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 2: The least that we can do for ourselves is to 404 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 2: have our own backs. Self trust gives you the freedom, 405 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 2: I think, to make choices without guaranteeing outcomes or demanding guarantees. 406 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,040 Speaker 2: Imagine like you're standing in front of two job offers. 407 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:23,879 Speaker 2: This is actually an example that was given to me 408 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,960 Speaker 2: by a listener at one of our live shows recently, 409 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 2: where she asked me, you know, I've got these two 410 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:33,200 Speaker 2: job offers. I've just graduated university. One is super safe 411 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:37,080 Speaker 2: and predictable. One is really risky, but it's super exciting. 412 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,639 Speaker 2: She was talking about how she's kind of been sitting 413 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:45,160 Speaker 2: on these offers for over a month out of fear 414 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:47,120 Speaker 2: that she would make the wrong choice, out of fear 415 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 2: that that wrong choice would then spiral and ruin her life. 416 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:52,560 Speaker 2: Trust me, it's actually harder to ruin your life than 417 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 2: you think. And really like what I said to her 418 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 2: was that not making a decision is the worst decision 419 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:04,040 Speaker 2: that you can make. The thing is is that the 420 00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:07,719 Speaker 2: fact that you care so much shows that even if 421 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:11,520 Speaker 2: you make the so called wrong choice, you are still 422 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 2: going to be able to act on your future interests 423 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,600 Speaker 2: in like a way that will guarantee you will come 424 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,840 Speaker 2: back to the right choice. What I mean by that 425 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,200 Speaker 2: is that you obviously care a lot about your life, 426 00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:25,800 Speaker 2: and you care a lot about making it a good life. 427 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,399 Speaker 2: So it's not like that's going to go away and 428 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,520 Speaker 2: disappear just because you make a choice that maybe wasn't right. Also, 429 00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,360 Speaker 2: there's no way of knowing if the other choice would 430 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:36,919 Speaker 2: have been better. But say you're really unhappy in the 431 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,200 Speaker 2: risky job, say you're really unhappy in the safe job, 432 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:41,840 Speaker 2: that's not the end of your options. That's not the 433 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,280 Speaker 2: end of your ability to change things or to make 434 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:48,160 Speaker 2: a different decision. You are going to be okay because 435 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 2: you have that sense of investment and care, because you 436 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,080 Speaker 2: trust yourself, You trust that you will not abandon yourself. 437 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,399 Speaker 2: That's perhaps, you know, the deepest sign of self trust. 438 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 2: It's resilience. That's really what I'm describing resilience. There is 439 00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,560 Speaker 2: a developmental psychologist and I cannot remember her name, but 440 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,880 Speaker 2: she calls resilience ordinary magic. You know, it's not superhuman. 441 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:18,120 Speaker 2: It's not like the wild to come by. Very regular 442 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:23,640 Speaker 2: normal people recover adapt growth from decisions that didn't work 443 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:27,119 Speaker 2: out in their favor all the time. And having resilience 444 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 2: is kind of just having the ability to just acknowledge 445 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:33,200 Speaker 2: a bad outcome, acknowledge that it sucks and say okay. 446 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,919 Speaker 2: Is ruminating on this and obsessing over this actually going 447 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,080 Speaker 2: to change anything or help me? Probably not the best 448 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,680 Speaker 2: way I can learn from this. The best way I 449 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:47,000 Speaker 2: can move on is to integrate what I've learned, retune 450 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,680 Speaker 2: that deep intuition that I have, retune or you know, 451 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,919 Speaker 2: in hindsight, rethink about the signs that were there or 452 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,320 Speaker 2: weren't there, and keep trying. I think as well, and 453 00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 2: I keep saying this, but I just want to rein 454 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 2: force it. Self trust is really just a sense of calm, 455 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,520 Speaker 2: and that's why I think that it is the opposite 456 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:13,880 Speaker 2: of anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety wants to like shift everything into 457 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,439 Speaker 2: high gear and it wants you to get somewhere as 458 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 2: fast as possible. It wants you to get the answers 459 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,879 Speaker 2: as fast as possible. And if it doesn't feel like 460 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,359 Speaker 2: you're moving, well, it's gonna like it's gonna put a 461 00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:25,080 Speaker 2: bit of a spark in you to do that. And 462 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,399 Speaker 2: I think that's where like a lot of that, you know, 463 00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,960 Speaker 2: very quintessential anxiety anxious feeling comes from. It wants to 464 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:35,200 Speaker 2: rush you. It wants you to be urgent. It wants 465 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,160 Speaker 2: you to just like figure things out, even if it's 466 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,879 Speaker 2: not the best decision for you. Self trust feels like 467 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,320 Speaker 2: calm in comparison. It really is a physical sensation of 468 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:51,680 Speaker 2: just like feeling like your feet of family planted, feeling 469 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,600 Speaker 2: like you're going to be okay, feeling like you do 470 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,600 Speaker 2: have some kind of like invisible armor, not against the 471 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 2: bad things, but against being sunk by those bad things. 472 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,159 Speaker 2: So the good news is that self trust isn't something 473 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,880 Speaker 2: you either have or you don't have. It's not something 474 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,919 Speaker 2: you're born with. It's not like some genetic blessing like 475 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,320 Speaker 2: we said, it's ordinary magic, and it's something that you 476 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:22,120 Speaker 2: can build it through, you know, daily choices, through small experiments, 477 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:25,040 Speaker 2: through conscious reflection, even when it might bring up some 478 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 2: hard stuff that you don't want to look at. I 479 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 2: think something really helpful to get us back in touch 480 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:34,000 Speaker 2: with this internal compass in our self trust is again 481 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:36,520 Speaker 2: just to like check back in with your intuition instead 482 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,280 Speaker 2: of jumping into a choice, pause, acknowledge the anxiety or 483 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:43,400 Speaker 2: acknowledge the indecision, and just ask yourself, what does my 484 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:45,480 Speaker 2: gut tell me in this in this moment is the 485 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:49,959 Speaker 2: right move and what is an even deeper part of 486 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,280 Speaker 2: myself tell me about my abilities and my capabilities even 487 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:58,680 Speaker 2: if it isn't. When you face a decision, take a minute, 488 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 2: take a few days, even if this is for something 489 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:03,840 Speaker 2: as small as what you want for dinner or what 490 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:06,640 Speaker 2: activity you want to do that day, Write down your 491 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 2: initial instinct, step away from it for a second, come 492 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:14,080 Speaker 2: back to it, and perhaps act on it before you 493 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:18,600 Speaker 2: seek external advice and see what the consequences are. See 494 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:23,320 Speaker 2: learn from the consequences instead of seeing the consequences as punishment. 495 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:26,720 Speaker 2: Think about the reasons that you often trust others. It's 496 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 2: likely that the reason you do is because they're kind, 497 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,720 Speaker 2: because they're consistent, because they keep promises, because they show 498 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:35,560 Speaker 2: up for you. These are all things that we need 499 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 2: to start doing for ourselves. Start with some super small, 500 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,160 Speaker 2: simple promises that you can make to yourself. If you've 501 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:46,160 Speaker 2: been wanting to get fit up, promise yourself that you 502 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,200 Speaker 2: will go to the gym twice a week, or that 503 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 2: you will go in one round this week. This is 504 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,240 Speaker 2: something that I've been doing a lot. I'm training for 505 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 2: like a half marathon at the moment, and you know what, 506 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,480 Speaker 2: it's not very fun. I actually really don't enjoy it 507 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,840 Speaker 2: as much as I I thought I was going to. 508 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,280 Speaker 2: But I made a commitment and it has been like 509 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 2: this beautiful exercise and being like, Okay, I'm going to 510 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,959 Speaker 2: follow through with things that I decided to do the 511 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,920 Speaker 2: same way that I would want someone else to follow 512 00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:17,040 Speaker 2: through if they'd made a promise to me. Keep the promise, 513 00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:22,400 Speaker 2: Keep the promise. Don't let yourself down, don't let yourself 514 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 2: feel less worthy of your time and your energy than 515 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,160 Speaker 2: someone else. You know, by having this kind of respect 516 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 2: for ourselves. In these small ways, we do really start 517 00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 2: to strengthen the narrative that like us and our unconscious 518 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,360 Speaker 2: or our subconscious, us and the parts that sometimes actually 519 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,200 Speaker 2: want to act against us, we are a team. We 520 00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:45,920 Speaker 2: can work together, we can make things happen, and we 521 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:49,360 Speaker 2: can survive the things that we didn't necessarily want to happen, 522 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,960 Speaker 2: but it happened anyways. Next come the small scale experiments. 523 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 2: I always say this, and I will continue. 524 00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 1: To do so. 525 00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:59,320 Speaker 2: Life is not a recipe. I think that there is 526 00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 2: this when you think about how life is sometimes described, 527 00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 2: it definitely has this like a to B two see idea, 528 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,080 Speaker 2: like you do this, and then once you've done that, 529 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,960 Speaker 2: you do that, and then once you've done that, you 530 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:13,120 Speaker 2: do this, and like there is there is a right 531 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,160 Speaker 2: way to go about things. No, it's not a recipe. 532 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,040 Speaker 2: It's a series of experiments. It's a series of experiments 533 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:22,640 Speaker 2: where you are the subject. And whether these things work 534 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:26,320 Speaker 2: out or not, it doesn't matter, Like it still teaches 535 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:30,360 Speaker 2: us things sometimes, like the most successful experiments in science 536 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,840 Speaker 2: are the ones that don't work out because both of 537 00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 2: those outcomes contain information. So you need to be experimenting, 538 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:40,920 Speaker 2: you need to be seeing like your life is a 539 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:45,360 Speaker 2: series of smaller chapters and opportunities to redirect yourself rather 540 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:49,080 Speaker 2: than just this like one long linear, continuous line where 541 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,280 Speaker 2: you know you have to make the right decision every 542 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,440 Speaker 2: single step of the way, otherwise the line is broken. 543 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,680 Speaker 2: Totally not the case. Self trust, I think really grows 544 00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,880 Speaker 2: in active practice. I think it could be super helpful 545 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,960 Speaker 2: to choose low stakes decisions where you can follow through 546 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 2: on your instincts or just test them, trying new places 547 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,600 Speaker 2: even if you don't know if it's going to be good, 548 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,560 Speaker 2: deciding when to leave an event, speaking up in a 549 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,920 Speaker 2: meeting when you feel like that pool in your chest 550 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 2: to do so, doing things you'd normally you want to 551 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,040 Speaker 2: do with someone else doing them alone, and being like, hey, 552 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:24,600 Speaker 2: I survived. This whole process is about really gaining and 553 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:28,680 Speaker 2: gathering evidence of how capable you truly are. Remember your 554 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:32,800 Speaker 2: comfort zone feel safe because it's predictable, because again, it 555 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:37,320 Speaker 2: satisfies the need for control. It's easy to control an environment, 556 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 2: whether it's emotional or physical, that you already like understand 557 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,360 Speaker 2: every inch of. But it's also where your growth will stagnate. 558 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:49,680 Speaker 2: And I'm going to take an educated guess and say 559 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:53,640 Speaker 2: that you wouldn't be listening to this episode if you 560 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:58,880 Speaker 2: were actually happy staying stagnant, like, that's not why you're here. 561 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:03,480 Speaker 2: Expansion zone is where true learning and true self trust happens. 562 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:07,480 Speaker 2: It's a space of discomfort is also totally necessary to grow. 563 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:11,280 Speaker 2: The way we move into this zone is again through microactions. 564 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,360 Speaker 2: Something I always say about risks is that they don't 565 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 2: necessarily have to be spontaneous and large to still be 566 00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:21,040 Speaker 2: expansive and to still be a risk. You don't need 567 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:22,960 Speaker 2: to quit your job and move across the world to 568 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 2: show that you can trust yourself again. Just start with 569 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 2: something small. Start with something small that you may also 570 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,880 Speaker 2: know won't work out, so that you can kind of 571 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:39,120 Speaker 2: again as an experiment, see how you will still survive. 572 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:43,680 Speaker 2: See how even though you didn't know the outcome, the 573 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:48,040 Speaker 2: outcome was not as bad as you probably suspected. I 574 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:52,160 Speaker 2: also think something really crucial to add to this is 575 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:56,640 Speaker 2: to stop explaining yourself when you make either small or 576 00:33:56,640 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 2: big decisions that feel intuitively wrecked to you. Fight the 577 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,800 Speaker 2: need to explain it to family, to colleagues, to friends, 578 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 2: to people you don't even know you know. I had 579 00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:11,759 Speaker 2: this experience the other day where I think I've talked 580 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:13,560 Speaker 2: about this a little bit. Me and my boyfriend aren't 581 00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:16,360 Speaker 2: moving overseas, soom we're moving to London. And it was 582 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:18,440 Speaker 2: my mom's sixtieth on the weekend and we were in 583 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:21,439 Speaker 2: Melbourne for that and one of her friends, who I love, 584 00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,000 Speaker 2: she's a close family friend, but one of her friends 585 00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,000 Speaker 2: like was talking to me and she was kind of 586 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:28,279 Speaker 2: drilling me on, like, well, why are you moving to London? 587 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,080 Speaker 2: Doesn't like everyone kind of do that, Like what's your plan? 588 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:32,600 Speaker 2: Do you have a plan? Like do you know where 589 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:34,759 Speaker 2: you're going to live? Like what if you can't find 590 00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:37,600 Speaker 2: anywhere to live? Like what if you don't like it 591 00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:39,239 Speaker 2: and you need to come home? Like have you thought 592 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:41,840 Speaker 2: about that? And I just felt trapped and having to 593 00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,600 Speaker 2: explain something. You know, I don't even know if it's 594 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:47,520 Speaker 2: going to turn out right yet, but I trust that 595 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:49,480 Speaker 2: if it doesn't, AM going to be you okay, And 596 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:51,400 Speaker 2: I trust that this is where I want to be. 597 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:54,960 Speaker 2: And it immediately got me, you know, a very defensive 598 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,920 Speaker 2: and be very insecure and in like a state of 599 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:00,600 Speaker 2: doubting myself. And afterwards, I was talking to my cousin 600 00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,080 Speaker 2: who is wires beyond her years, and she was like 601 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:04,960 Speaker 2: you should have just said I don't know yet, but 602 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,440 Speaker 2: I'm excited to find out and left it at that, 603 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:11,839 Speaker 2: Like why did you feel like you know? I think 604 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:13,719 Speaker 2: what she said was like the fact that you, like, 605 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,719 Speaker 2: in your act of explaining it to this person, maybe 606 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 2: you were trying to explain it and justify it for yourself, 607 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:21,360 Speaker 2: but you don't need to because you already have that 608 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:24,719 Speaker 2: intuition and intention and deny to do that. And that 609 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,480 Speaker 2: is literally all you need. No one needs to know 610 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,480 Speaker 2: your reasons, especially since you're the one who's going to 611 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 2: face the outcome anyway. It's not personal. It's not meant 612 00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:36,200 Speaker 2: to shut them down. It's meant to protect your ability 613 00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 2: to hear your desires and feel directed by your compass. 614 00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:44,120 Speaker 2: It really is, you know, so marvelous when you let 615 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:48,000 Speaker 2: yourself be a little bit afraid, and so marvelous when 616 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:49,879 Speaker 2: you let yourself make a decision that you don't know, 617 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:54,520 Speaker 2: you don't know the outcome of, and you still show 618 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:56,680 Speaker 2: up for that. And I know I'm using like a 619 00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:59,200 Speaker 2: lot of therapy speak and a lot of like self 620 00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:04,279 Speaker 2: help language. I think the real thing is that you 621 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 2: don't really understand the brilliance of self trust until you 622 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,720 Speaker 2: really experienced a moment where you're in a situation where 623 00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:13,680 Speaker 2: you really can't trust anything else or you really can't 624 00:36:13,719 --> 00:36:16,239 Speaker 2: trust anyone else. Then you just have to be the 625 00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:18,960 Speaker 2: one who like is fully there for you and fully 626 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:22,360 Speaker 2: says like I'm gonna be okay, and I'm gonna be okay, 627 00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:26,239 Speaker 2: even if this is like a complete mess around, even 628 00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:30,480 Speaker 2: if this is like a complete explosion. I am grounded 629 00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:34,000 Speaker 2: in my confidence. I am grounded in the fact that 630 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:38,399 Speaker 2: sometimes I don't know how capable I am until there 631 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:42,880 Speaker 2: is a situation that stretches me to my limits. And 632 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:46,520 Speaker 2: then that's like my new that's my new level, right, 633 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 2: Like that's new, that's my new threshold. And then something 634 00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:52,600 Speaker 2: else will And then by being in that threshold, there's 635 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:56,279 Speaker 2: like a whole new, a whole new like environment of 636 00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:59,759 Speaker 2: opportunities to become available. And once you've mastered those, like 637 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:04,200 Speaker 2: another level will open up by you extending yourself and 638 00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:06,920 Speaker 2: by you saying I'm going to be okay, I'm going 639 00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:10,680 Speaker 2: to be okay in this. I trust myself, I trust 640 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:15,359 Speaker 2: my abilities, I trust my intuition. And the more you 641 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,560 Speaker 2: operate with that manual in mind, and the more you 642 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:22,319 Speaker 2: operate with that perspective, like the stronger and stronger this 643 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,480 Speaker 2: muscle becomes until I don't know, I feel like you 644 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:27,280 Speaker 2: can really do anything, and I feel like you're willing 645 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,000 Speaker 2: to make risks, take risks at the drop of the hat. 646 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,640 Speaker 2: You're willing to leave situations you don't want to be in. 647 00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:37,640 Speaker 2: You are willing to leave relationships you don't want to 648 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,520 Speaker 2: be in, friendships, you don't want to be in jobs 649 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,040 Speaker 2: you don't want to be in because you know that 650 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 2: something better will come along, or that you'll be able 651 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:48,920 Speaker 2: to create that better situation for yourself. So that's just 652 00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,680 Speaker 2: a convolated way of saying self trust is important. I 653 00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:55,399 Speaker 2: hope that it's something that you continue to focus on. 654 00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,400 Speaker 2: I hope that you can see it now as a 655 00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:00,560 Speaker 2: bit of an antidote for a lot of what we 656 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:04,080 Speaker 2: fear and a lot of what you know we desperately 657 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:07,240 Speaker 2: want to cling onto, which is control, uncertainty. You can't 658 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:09,840 Speaker 2: have those things, but you can have self trust in 659 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,680 Speaker 2: the face of them. I want to thank our researcher, 660 00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:16,600 Speaker 2: Libby Cobbert for her help on this episode. If this 661 00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:19,320 Speaker 2: helped you, make sure you share it with a friend, 662 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:22,279 Speaker 2: share it on social media, share it, I don't know, 663 00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,080 Speaker 2: with a parent or with a colleague, whoever, if you 664 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,520 Speaker 2: want to hear more about this topic, if you want 665 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,200 Speaker 2: to see more content like this, you can also follow 666 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:35,160 Speaker 2: us on Instagram at that Psychology Podcast. People always ask 667 00:38:35,239 --> 00:38:38,160 Speaker 2: me about the name. This is like a total tangent, 668 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:39,840 Speaker 2: But someone the other day was like, why is it 669 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,400 Speaker 2: that psychology podcast when that's not the name of your podcast, 670 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,360 Speaker 2: and I was like, because the Psychology of your twenties 671 00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:48,799 Speaker 2: was too long to like show up. So anyways, that's 672 00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:50,759 Speaker 2: where you can find us. We do like these cool 673 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:53,560 Speaker 2: summaries of these episodes if you want something to refer 674 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,759 Speaker 2: back to as well, if you feel called to do so, 675 00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:59,280 Speaker 2: leave a five star review. Make sure you're following along 676 00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:02,680 Speaker 2: or subscribe wherever you are listening to this episode. And 677 00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:06,560 Speaker 2: until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle with yourself, 678 00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,719 Speaker 2: trust yourself, and we will talk very very soon,