1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:06,080 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. I 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:08,600 Speaker 1: was so excited the first time I saw another Chinese 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:11,000 Speaker 1: person on the street that I opened my mouth to 4 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,400 Speaker 1: exclaim nha. The only thing that stopped me was Mama's 5 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:19,360 Speaker 1: morning about talking to random people. Don't talk to anyone, 6 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:24,239 Speaker 1: she said, we can't trust anyone, no one. What about 7 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:30,360 Speaker 1: police officers, Mama, no one, especially police officers. If you 8 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:35,560 Speaker 1: see a uniform, turn around and walk the opposite way. Why, Mama, 9 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:43,239 Speaker 1: it's dangerous. We're not allowed here. Don't trust anyone. Always 10 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 1: walk the other way when you see the police. Change in. 11 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:50,520 Speaker 1: Baba's voice guided me wherever I went. If anyone asked 12 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,159 Speaker 1: you for documents, say you don't know, Say that your 13 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: Baba has them, Say that you were born here, that 14 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 1: you've always lived in America. This was not China, and 15 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: I could no longer get by on the color of 16 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: my skin and my gap tooth smile. I was no 17 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:11,320 Speaker 1: longer normal. I was never to forget that that's Chian. 18 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:16,440 Speaker 1: Julie Wong, author, speaker, and litigator, reading passages from her 19 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 1: debut memoir Beautiful Country. She and Julie's is a story 20 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 1: of extraordinary triumph. Triumph made all the brighter for having 21 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 1: been forged from profound hardship, secrecy, and shame. I'm Danny Shapiro, 22 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,560 Speaker 1: and this is family secrets, the secrets that are kept 23 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: from us, the secrets we keep from others, and the 24 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 1: secrets we keep from ourselves. Tell me about the landscape 25 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:04,480 Speaker 1: of your childhood before the age of seven. When I 26 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: think about that time, it's all just love and happiness 27 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:14,239 Speaker 1: and singing and belonging. I never questioned if I was safe, 28 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: if I fit in, if I needed to worry about 29 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 1: where my next meal was going to come from. It 30 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,280 Speaker 1: was a time I like to think of as true childhood. 31 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 1: And where were you I was in China. I was 32 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,920 Speaker 1: surrounded by my extended family. UM. I was born in 33 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,960 Speaker 1: North China in a town called Shadrong, just to three 34 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: hours outside of Beijing, and that's where many of my 35 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 1: mother's family lived, and my dad's family lived not too 36 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,560 Speaker 1: far away. So before age seven, my life was very 37 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,920 Speaker 1: stable and I'm just surrounded by loved once. And how 38 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 1: old were you when um, your father who you called Baba, 39 00:02:55,320 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: left China for America. I was five years old at 40 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,679 Speaker 1: the time. I had no idea, and I don't think 41 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,640 Speaker 1: any of us really had a sense that he was 42 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: leaving for very long. At first, he was leaving to 43 00:03:09,639 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 1: attend school, and we thought it would just be maybe 44 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,519 Speaker 1: a year nine months, but he ended up being gone 45 00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:22,360 Speaker 1: for two years. Describe both Bamba and your mother, who 46 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: you call Mama before the age of seven back in China, 47 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:32,360 Speaker 1: they were extremely playful. My earliest memory was of them 48 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:36,400 Speaker 1: tossing me in a blanket, throwing me up and down 49 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:41,720 Speaker 1: as I shrieked and laughed, and that was really them. 50 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 1: They found the creative ways to play with me. My 51 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: mother made absolutely everything a game. I never fussed when 52 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,600 Speaker 1: taking a bath or doing any of the things that 53 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: kids didn't like to do. I never fussed eating vegetables 54 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: because she just told me it was a game. When 55 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:02,160 Speaker 1: when she cooked, she made the carrot peel dance. It 56 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: was all a play, and life was just full of joy. 57 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 1: My father, in particular, loved dancing, so he would go 58 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 1: to the dance hall regularly and I would accompany him, 59 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 1: and my feet would be on his bigger feet and 60 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,400 Speaker 1: he would move me around the room. We developed such 61 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 1: a ritual with dance that he came up with my 62 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: very special song that was just for me that he 63 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 1: made up and the words were all gibberish. But throughout 64 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,839 Speaker 1: the days of my childhood in China, we would dance 65 00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:38,400 Speaker 1: to that at home pretty much every day. And you 66 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,599 Speaker 1: were an only child, yes, due to the Chinese government's 67 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: family planning policy. Unfortunately, I was an only child. I 68 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,279 Speaker 1: really wanted disibling, but that was not in the cards. 69 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: When Jan Julie is seven, she and her mother fly 70 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 1: to the United States to meet up with her father. 71 00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: It's not only a different country, it's a different universe altogether. 72 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:06,039 Speaker 1: Everything was new and quite bizarre. From the minute we 73 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,919 Speaker 1: went to the airport, we started seeing people with different 74 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 1: color skin, different color eyes. I was living in a 75 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,600 Speaker 1: part of China where everyone looked the same. We were 76 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,320 Speaker 1: all homogeneous, and I fit in. And all of a sudden, 77 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,599 Speaker 1: I'm learning it's possible to have blue eyes and green 78 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: eyes and blonde hair. And my world just felt like 79 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:32,280 Speaker 1: it was turned upside down. And then when we got 80 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,400 Speaker 1: out of the airport and my father was there, I 81 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: saw how old and wan he looked. It looked like 82 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,320 Speaker 1: he had aged decades in the span of two years. 83 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: Um And all of a sudden, I saw this kind 84 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: of pallor and weariness fall upon both my parents, who 85 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,360 Speaker 1: once were so joyful and full of play and love 86 00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,760 Speaker 1: and dance, they didn't really do that anymore. All around 87 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:04,320 Speaker 1: us were people who looked nothing like me, and they 88 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:08,039 Speaker 1: would say words to me that I didn't understand and 89 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,480 Speaker 1: I would later know to be ethnic slurs. They would 90 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,440 Speaker 1: pull their eyes back at me on the street and 91 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 1: mock who we were. We were really we settled in 92 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,839 Speaker 1: then Park Slope general area of Brooklyn and the nineties, 93 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,360 Speaker 1: so it's very different in character than it is now, 94 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,360 Speaker 1: and we were pretty much the only Asians in the neighborhood. 95 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,039 Speaker 1: And of course at that point, I had no idea 96 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: what being quote unquote Asian was. I just thought I 97 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,919 Speaker 1: was regular, and I had to learn to reckon with 98 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:45,719 Speaker 1: race and our new environment. And then of course there 99 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,800 Speaker 1: was this messaging for my parents that I was not 100 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,479 Speaker 1: to tell people that I had immigrated, that I was 101 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: to pretend that I was born here. This is really 102 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:01,440 Speaker 1: where Changelie's family secret begins. And as family's secrets go, 103 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: it's a particularly unique and potent one because it's the 104 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:10,200 Speaker 1: family's secret. They all share it, they're all in the know, 105 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 1: and they're all keeping it. This secret also extends beyond 106 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,160 Speaker 1: Chian and Julie's immediate family and back into the layered 107 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 1: histories of her parents, particularly her father's childhood and young adulthood. 108 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:30,720 Speaker 1: So when my father was four years old was when 109 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 1: China's Cultural Revolution began. During the Cultural Revolution, Chairman Now 110 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 1: called upon the people of China to unify in the 111 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: name of communism, but really also kind of attack and 112 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: penalize in part the educated, the landlords, those who had 113 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:57,000 Speaker 1: education and had some semblance of power as compared to 114 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 1: Chairman Now. It led to ten years, a full decade 115 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 1: of bloodshed. A lot of people were tortured, were publicly beaten, 116 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: were imprisoned, disappeared overnight. Because China has a strong history 117 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,080 Speaker 1: of censorship, there is no real data on how many 118 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 1: people died, but it could be, you know, five hundred thousand, 119 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:26,800 Speaker 1: it could be millions. Historians really just can't ascertain. So 120 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: my father was four years old when this began, and 121 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: his first memory was that of two scholars who hung 122 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:37,320 Speaker 1: from a tree, dead, and at their feet was written 123 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: in blood, the character for wrongly accused because they had 124 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:46,040 Speaker 1: been publicly persecuted for their scholarly thinking, and probably critical thought, 125 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:52,840 Speaker 1: and then at age seven, my father then recalls the 126 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: Red Guards who acted at the behested Chairman Mount in 127 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: terms of the cultural revolution, ransacking his home and dragging 128 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,680 Speaker 1: his mother out to be publicly beaten. And this was 129 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:09,720 Speaker 1: because his brother had written a paper criticizing Chairman Now, 130 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,000 Speaker 1: asking the people of China to think about why, in 131 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 1: the name of communism we were killing each other and 132 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,640 Speaker 1: reporting on each other and who it really served. My 133 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,720 Speaker 1: uncle loved reading banned books. He hated being told what 134 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,400 Speaker 1: not to read and what not to think, and so 135 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 1: he presented examples in history of dictatorships and controlling re 136 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,960 Speaker 1: dreams that used the same tactic. He didn't sign his 137 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,839 Speaker 1: name to it, but neighbor saw him post it up. 138 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:44,079 Speaker 1: And at that time, in that environment, you were encouraged 139 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: to report anyone around you who may be thought of 140 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:52,839 Speaker 1: as a quote unquote counter revolutionary or traitor to the country. 141 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:59,559 Speaker 1: So my uncle, who was just eighteen, was imprisoned for decades, tortured, 142 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,640 Speaker 1: star and because of that, my father went through his 143 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:09,800 Speaker 1: entire schooling with the tarnished being a counter revolutionary, of 144 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:13,320 Speaker 1: being a traitor. So in China it's the Red perchief 145 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 1: that you were around your neck. It's like the honor 146 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,840 Speaker 1: role he was just it was impossible for him to 147 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 1: get ahead in school, and teachers would have him stand 148 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,640 Speaker 1: at the front of the class and have his classmates 149 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,719 Speaker 1: list all of the things that were wrong with him 150 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 1: and his family and his brother. So it really informed 151 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 1: the man that he became. And unfortunately, of course, I 152 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 1: did not have much of this information until later in 153 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:47,280 Speaker 1: my adulthood, but it definitely informed how he interacted with 154 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,320 Speaker 1: Chinese government, the American government, how he educated me, and 155 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 1: how he taught me to think about the world's both 156 00:10:54,559 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: for better and for worse. Chanel. These father's upbringing only 157 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:05,240 Speaker 1: intensifies his focus on keeping his family safe, which means 158 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:11,160 Speaker 1: keeping their undocumented status a secret. Their insular lives, compounded 159 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 1: with the fact that Chian Julie does not yet speak English, 160 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:19,640 Speaker 1: means that her early education comes from watching television. The 161 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 1: TV is always on in their house. She's also learning 162 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:29,719 Speaker 1: self protective behaviors adaptations. She's always counting, whether it's the 163 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: number of steps or number of tiles or whatever, harboring 164 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:37,319 Speaker 1: a superstition that if she counts exactly the right number, 165 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:42,319 Speaker 1: she'll be safe. She'll keep everyone safe. Part of keeping 166 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 1: everyone safe involves arranging her face into a mask to 167 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: keep her true feelings hidden. One place chian Julie wears 168 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 1: this mask is at the sweatshop, where she works with 169 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,520 Speaker 1: her mother for pennies soon after they arrive in America. 170 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,680 Speaker 1: The sweatshop is full of surprises for young chian Julie, 171 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,559 Speaker 1: not only the harsh conditions and low pay, but also 172 00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:07,720 Speaker 1: the hierarchy among swachshop workers, a hierarchy that has her 173 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,840 Speaker 1: mom and her at the bottom. I remember walking into 174 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: that room. I had never in my short life realized 175 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: that a room like that existed. It was the middle 176 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,880 Speaker 1: of summer, was August. There was no air conditioning. There 177 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,560 Speaker 1: wasn't really even that many fans. There were a few 178 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:30,160 Speaker 1: ceiling fans. There was no ventilation. It was just rose 179 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: and rows and rows of people slumped over sewing machines. 180 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:39,040 Speaker 1: And where people sat, I came to learn had meaning. 181 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,199 Speaker 1: So people who sat in the front tended to do 182 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:47,640 Speaker 1: the more high paying work. Attaching buttons to clothing was 183 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 1: required more skills, So I believe it was either ten 184 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: cents a button or ten cents per article clothing, probably 185 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,840 Speaker 1: more likely article clothing. And my mother and I being 186 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 1: brand new, and of course my mother there being a 187 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 1: math professor, not a seamstress or anything of that kind, 188 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: we were at the right back row, so we made 189 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,920 Speaker 1: the least. My mother made three cents per article of clothing, 190 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,040 Speaker 1: attaching labels to the you know, the back of a 191 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:18,080 Speaker 1: shirt or dress, and I made one cent per art 192 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 1: of clothing, snipping thread, loose thread off every piece that 193 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:27,120 Speaker 1: she finished. And we came to learn also that by 194 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,520 Speaker 1: virtue of the fact that we spoke Mandarin, we were 195 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 1: viewed as lower ranking because more of the earlier Chinese 196 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:40,680 Speaker 1: immigrants to America. We're from Guangdong and Southern China and 197 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,439 Speaker 1: spoke Cantonese. So whether or not you could speak Cantonese 198 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:49,080 Speaker 1: became an emblem of status where we were from. In 199 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:54,440 Speaker 1: North China. There are similar prejudices against South China. Um 200 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,920 Speaker 1: it's kind of similar to the parallels between North Northern 201 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,880 Speaker 1: States and Southern States. We thought Mandarin was the dialect 202 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 1: of the intellectual, and anyone who didn't speak it was 203 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: not educated, and so there was a real sense of divide, 204 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,280 Speaker 1: and I remember my mother remarking saying, even here, even 205 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:19,200 Speaker 1: among our people, we still don't belong. We don't have 206 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:24,200 Speaker 1: a home anymore, and it was incredibly heartbreaking. So you 207 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:29,640 Speaker 1: carry that with you when you start grade school and 208 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 1: you speak Mandarin and the other Chinese children don't and 209 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,920 Speaker 1: put you down for not being able to speak Cantonese, 210 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: and you pretty quickly are singled out. One of the 211 00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:48,440 Speaker 1: things that so striking to me about your story is 212 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,560 Speaker 1: the sort of spectacular teachers that you had and then 213 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:56,040 Speaker 1: the absolute disaster teachers that you had um And you know, 214 00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,160 Speaker 1: you're singled out and put in a special classroom for 215 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: students who don't speak English and students who have special needs. Yes, 216 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: and there's no way that you can communicate to the 217 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:13,000 Speaker 1: very tired teacher who is in charge of that classroom 218 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: that you do know how to read, and you do 219 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,760 Speaker 1: know how to think, and that you don't belong there. 220 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: So what does she do to feel like she belongs? 221 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,000 Speaker 1: Just as she absorbed the English language and American culture 222 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: from watching television, she now reads every book she can. Clifford, 223 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,280 Speaker 1: the Big Red Dog becomes her guide. Soon she and 224 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 1: Julie begs her father to get her back into the 225 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:42,440 Speaker 1: right classroom where she can satiate her hunger for knowledge. Meanwhile, 226 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 1: another hunger persists, actual real hunger. I never knew hunger 227 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,520 Speaker 1: in China. I mean, if you look at my photos 228 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: from China, I'm always holding something that I'm eating, usually 229 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:02,000 Speaker 1: a popsicle. I was very pledged in China because of 230 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: how educated my my parents were, and when we arrived here, 231 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:13,119 Speaker 1: I quickly realized that food was going to be a problem. 232 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,400 Speaker 1: One of the early memories I share was my father 233 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: bringing in one slice of pizza for all three of 234 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,240 Speaker 1: us for dinner. And I didn't know what pizza was, 235 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 1: so I was fine with just having a bike because 236 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:27,360 Speaker 1: the cheese was brand new to me. But as I 237 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 1: started observing my parents and how stressed they were shopping 238 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:37,040 Speaker 1: and how frugal they became, I realized that my hunger 239 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 1: was a burden on them instead of you know, in China, 240 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,880 Speaker 1: when I said I'm hungry, my mother would immediately get 241 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 1: me something. She started saying, well, you know, just just 242 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 1: hang onto that. That's how you know you're becoming stronger. 243 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,000 Speaker 1: When you feel the cold sweat is when you know 244 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 1: you're you're really getting strong. And I could see the 245 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 1: pain in her eyes when she said that. So I 246 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: started keeping that secret to myself. If I was hungry. 247 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 1: There was nothing I knew my parents could do. I 248 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,399 Speaker 1: might as well have kept that to myself and lessen 249 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 1: their burden. I don't think I was thinking of it 250 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 1: that consciously as a kid. I just you know, children 251 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,960 Speaker 1: soak up the emotional energy of those around them, and 252 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,040 Speaker 1: especially their parents, and I could feel their stress around 253 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,879 Speaker 1: food and around our weekly budget, which was only twenty dollars. 254 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: So I started going to school hungry every day. I 255 00:17:35,359 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 1: told my mother that there was a free public school breakfast, 256 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,840 Speaker 1: which there was, and there was a free public school lunch. 257 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: Of course those are never that nutritional, and I never 258 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,680 Speaker 1: got there early enough for the breakfast because I lived 259 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,439 Speaker 1: in Brooklyn and went to school in Chinatown, Manhattan, and 260 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,199 Speaker 1: we worked late at the sweatshop, and it was this 261 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,439 Speaker 1: constant battle between sleep and hunger. And once I started 262 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,560 Speaker 1: going to school later, I didn't want to then switch 263 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,200 Speaker 1: the times because that my mother would be tipped off 264 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,920 Speaker 1: that something was off. So I for all of my 265 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: elementary school years, I just went to school without breakfast, 266 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:17,160 Speaker 1: and I remember the entire morning just being me staring 267 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:21,679 Speaker 1: at the clock, feeling my stomach turning over itself. That 268 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:26,119 Speaker 1: gnawing sensation, the cold sweat, and telling myself to just 269 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:29,600 Speaker 1: hang on a little bit longer, you'll make it to lunch, 270 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,400 Speaker 1: and then you'll get that food. But by the time 271 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:36,480 Speaker 1: I made it to that free lunch, I was shaking everywhere. 272 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: I gulped everything down without really chewing it, and my 273 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,959 Speaker 1: stomach never felt quite satisfied. The rest of the afternoon 274 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: just felt like my stomach was now wrestling with these 275 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,320 Speaker 1: giant pockets of air and these little kits of food 276 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: with no real ability to process at all. So this 277 00:18:55,440 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 1: was a bodily trauma that stayed with me for I mean, 278 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: I still have I still have trouble not over buying 279 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,240 Speaker 1: foot I can't throw out any piece of food, And 280 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: when I was able to finally eat four meals, I 281 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,320 Speaker 1: immediately felt like I had to throw up because my 282 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:15,960 Speaker 1: stomach was not used to being full anymore, and that 283 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: I struggled with throughout high school. It wasn't It was 284 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,920 Speaker 1: a very different kind of eating disorder than the ones 285 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,680 Speaker 1: you typically seen in teenage girls, where I wanted to eat, 286 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,320 Speaker 1: but my stomach was saying, we're not used to this anymore, 287 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:34,760 Speaker 1: or maybe even don't get used to this. Yeah, absolutely, 288 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:40,080 Speaker 1: so after the sweatshop, there's this very harrowing and brief 289 00:19:40,119 --> 00:19:42,840 Speaker 1: period of time where your mother goes to work in 290 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,320 Speaker 1: a sushi processing factory and and you go with her, 291 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:50,959 Speaker 1: and it makes the sweatshop look like a day at 292 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: the beach. You're right, that's a that's an interesting analogy 293 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: because I think of the sweatshop as being very hot 294 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 1: and then the sushi press the same plant as being 295 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:05,400 Speaker 1: freezing cold, in part because of the seasons in which 296 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:09,040 Speaker 1: we went there. But yes, my first day going with 297 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: my mother, she had been working there for a while. 298 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 1: I went into the warehouse door and I saw that 299 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,879 Speaker 1: she was putting on these thick rubber boots and blue 300 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,480 Speaker 1: plastic cape. And the minute the door had opened, I 301 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,240 Speaker 1: felt this giant gust of freezing hair come out. And 302 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,160 Speaker 1: then as we passed through the ante chamber and into 303 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 1: the main area, I noticed that there's water on the 304 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:41,040 Speaker 1: floor and it is freezing. My My skin immediately prickles. 305 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,440 Speaker 1: And because my mother had to process salmon and keep 306 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,679 Speaker 1: it in top shape, it had to be processed and 307 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:54,399 Speaker 1: freezing water with ice cubes around her. The factory was 308 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,360 Speaker 1: not very well equipped or it was kind of old, 309 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,720 Speaker 1: so the basins had leaks in them, and it would 310 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,040 Speaker 1: just be leaking water through the cracks into our boots 311 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: all around us for the twelve or fourteen hours that 312 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:16,200 Speaker 1: we worked, and it was impossible, impossible to get warm 313 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:21,440 Speaker 1: in that room. I remember coming home, having an hour 314 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,840 Speaker 1: canoe getting home where it was also cold, but warmer, 315 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: and just the veins all over my arms, all over 316 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,879 Speaker 1: my mother's arms, still so visible. My mother would go 317 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,879 Speaker 1: to the kitchen that we shared with our roommates and 318 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: boil water just to feel her hands again, because again 319 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,000 Speaker 1: she her fingers were in ice water this whole time, 320 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,560 Speaker 1: and um, I mean they had gloves available, but to 321 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:50,440 Speaker 1: prepare the fish properly, you kind of had to use 322 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,160 Speaker 1: their hands. And if you didn't prepare the fish properly 323 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,879 Speaker 1: and you damage some fish, and your pay was dogged. 324 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 1: So she just didn't want to risk that. And so 325 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 1: this day her hands don't look the same. I still 326 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 1: see her veins, and every time I do, I think of, 327 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: I'm just sent back to that environment where she, I 328 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:14,520 Speaker 1: don't know, risk her bodily health for a meal on 329 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:28,440 Speaker 1: a table. We'll be right back. She and Julie's childhood 330 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: in America is proving to be beyond challenging and without 331 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:36,040 Speaker 1: any of the childlike magic she'd once known back in China. 332 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:40,720 Speaker 1: But then something happens Christmas. This is the first time 333 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:44,879 Speaker 1: she feels like she understands how this country, America, could 334 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:50,200 Speaker 1: be a beautiful country. The first time I saw Fifth 335 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:56,280 Speaker 1: Avenue during the holidays, I thought, Oh, here's the America 336 00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 1: that I heard about back then in China. There were 337 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:04,680 Speaker 1: really two depictions of America. One was of homeless people 338 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,080 Speaker 1: on the street, hungry and begging and fighting over food, 339 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: and the other was of roads paved with gold, where 340 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:18,160 Speaker 1: no one was hungry and everyone had everything they absolutely wanted. 341 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:22,240 Speaker 1: And it was unclear to all of us through what 342 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 1: the government censored to us which one was the truth. 343 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:31,639 Speaker 1: And our reality unfortunately fell closer to the former. But 344 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,440 Speaker 1: when I saw Fifth Avenue, I thought, here's the one 345 00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: that I had been promised that my uncle was excited 346 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:43,440 Speaker 1: for me to experience. It does, in fact exists, I'm 347 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 1: just not privy to it all the time. When I 348 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,080 Speaker 1: was standing outside of it must have been Sacks or 349 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:54,199 Speaker 1: one of those department stores with the lights dancing and 350 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:59,560 Speaker 1: the figurines in the window display, I realized how easily 351 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:05,520 Speaker 1: people could fall in love with this country, that magic 352 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 1: for change. Julie is also soon found in the library, 353 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: where she spends as much time as she possibly can. 354 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,240 Speaker 1: She lives and breathes books. They are her friends, her 355 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:21,239 Speaker 1: windows into possibility. She also makes positive connections outside her 356 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: family for the first time, with her third grade teacher, 357 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:29,080 Speaker 1: Ms Pong, and with Elaine, her new best friend. Finally, 358 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,879 Speaker 1: she has a sleepover at Elaine's house, which should be 359 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:37,160 Speaker 1: a highlight, but instead, Changuli is plagued by a terrible homesickness. 360 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 1: This fear of separation made so much sense because you 361 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,119 Speaker 1: had drilled in you, um from the time that you 362 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:53,879 Speaker 1: arrived in America, this feeling of don't trust anyone. You know, 363 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,679 Speaker 1: we're only safe with our own kind. Tell them you 364 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:00,840 Speaker 1: were born here and that you've always lived here, and 365 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:04,399 Speaker 1: the idea that it could all vanish at any moment. 366 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:07,119 Speaker 1: And you get through the night, but you've called, and 367 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:10,479 Speaker 1: you've said to your parents, please come get me or 368 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:13,440 Speaker 1: let me come home, and and the next morning they 369 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 1: do meet you and take you home. Yep, I mean, 370 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,240 Speaker 1: I think one important bit that jumped up at me 371 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 1: looking back was that my father had boarded a plane 372 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:33,960 Speaker 1: and then just disappeared for two years. So their presence 373 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 1: felt very conditional to me. From that point on, I 374 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,879 Speaker 1: remember being very clingy and having a lot of separation 375 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,720 Speaker 1: anxiety towards my mother, even when we were in China 376 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:51,240 Speaker 1: after my father left. Whenever she try to get a 377 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,360 Speaker 1: visa to the US, and she had to try many 378 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:57,159 Speaker 1: times and get rejected. Many times. She had to go 379 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 1: to Beijing, which might I had to stay home with 380 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,520 Speaker 1: my grandpa parents, and I would cry thinking that I 381 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,200 Speaker 1: would never see her again. So this whole idea of 382 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,560 Speaker 1: people can just disappear and your whole life as you 383 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,120 Speaker 1: know it can change in a second, was very much 384 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,560 Speaker 1: drilled into me by the immigrant experience, you know. Then 385 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 1: we boarded that planet. I never saw my grandparents and 386 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:22,639 Speaker 1: my uncles or my aunt again. And then there was 387 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:27,800 Speaker 1: the elements, as you mentioned earlier, of superstition. I thought 388 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,240 Speaker 1: that if I did everything right, then I could minimize 389 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 1: the harm that my parents were exposed to. And I 390 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,800 Speaker 1: thought that if I stayed with them and watched them, 391 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:43,040 Speaker 1: that that would ensure that they stayed safe. And there's 392 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 1: really no rhyme or reason to thinking that. It was 393 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,880 Speaker 1: just when you're a child, and you have zero control 394 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 1: or power over what's happening. You grasp onto what little 395 00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: you can, like getting to that street signed before the 396 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:03,320 Speaker 1: light changes, are watching your parents like a hawk. So 397 00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:06,119 Speaker 1: all of these superstitions just became embedded in me, and 398 00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:10,160 Speaker 1: they became this kind of talisman that I held onto 399 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 1: to feel like I was doing what I could to 400 00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 1: keep us safe while having very little power at all. 401 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 1: I was so struck by that, the feeling as a 402 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:27,400 Speaker 1: child of somehow intuiting that your parents are vulnerable. It's 403 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 1: a very particular feeling one I know as well that 404 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:35,400 Speaker 1: most children don't experience. Most children experience their parents as 405 00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:39,840 Speaker 1: invulnerable in a long and innocent childhood. But you had 406 00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 1: the experience of almost feeling like you could navigate the 407 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,359 Speaker 1: world for them, especially with regards to my mother, because 408 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,440 Speaker 1: I spoke. I learned English much faster than she did, 409 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,639 Speaker 1: because she was in her thirties and it just takes 410 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:57,480 Speaker 1: you longer. And so I was able to navigate American 411 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:01,480 Speaker 1: society much easier and trying inslate to her and explained 412 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:06,320 Speaker 1: to her how social morays worked. And I feel incredibly 413 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:10,960 Speaker 1: feel and felt incredibly protective toward her. I think as 414 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,920 Speaker 1: you say, Danny, once you see your parents as vulnerable, 415 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:19,360 Speaker 1: it's very hard to reverse that. And the earlier it happens, 416 00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 1: the more steeped in that child it is that it 417 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:26,200 Speaker 1: is their job and their responsibility to keep that parents safe, 418 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:31,440 Speaker 1: as opposed to the other way around. And I want 419 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,240 Speaker 1: to say too that I believe. And I looking back, 420 00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:37,240 Speaker 1: I see my mother trying to hide that from me. 421 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,080 Speaker 1: When we first went to the sweatshop. She tried to 422 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,400 Speaker 1: pretend it was a game, that she was fine. She 423 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,920 Speaker 1: tried to not cry in front of me. But there 424 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,240 Speaker 1: was only so much she could do. I mean, we 425 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 1: had no resources, we had no friends or family around. 426 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,440 Speaker 1: There was no one for her to talk to except me. Really, 427 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:59,240 Speaker 1: and she's only human. And I say this because I 428 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,680 Speaker 1: know she regret doing that. She still to the state, 429 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 1: regrets that. She says she wishes she could give me 430 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,640 Speaker 1: my childhood back. But she did the absolute best she could. 431 00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,520 Speaker 1: I do not falter for one bit how much she 432 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,600 Speaker 1: shared with me. You become her lifeline in many ways, 433 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:21,200 Speaker 1: and she does share a lot with you. And at 434 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:25,640 Speaker 1: around this time, she decides that she's going to go 435 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 1: to City College to study computer science, and she's going 436 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,720 Speaker 1: to find a way to get a foothold in this 437 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:37,360 Speaker 1: country the way that she had had in China. That 438 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,200 Speaker 1: you know that she was going to become a professional. Yep. 439 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:45,880 Speaker 1: While Angel's mom is trying to find her professional foothold, 440 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:50,400 Speaker 1: she and Julie continues to voraciously read and watch television, 441 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 1: and her own future professional goals begin to form. The 442 00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:59,080 Speaker 1: kids around her want to be astronauts, pilots, movie stars 443 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 1: when they grow up. But she and Julie she's decided 444 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:06,000 Speaker 1: she's going to be a lawyer. She reads the biographies 445 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,960 Speaker 1: of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and their good Marshall. She's inspired, 446 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:13,960 Speaker 1: and she forms a plan, a plan towards safety, a 447 00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 1: plan toward never being hungry, a plan toward helping herself 448 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:22,080 Speaker 1: and her family move forward in the direction of truth 449 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:26,880 Speaker 1: and away from secrecy. I watched a lot of TV, 450 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:29,160 Speaker 1: as you mentioned, and I've read a lot of books, 451 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 1: and everywhere I looked, lawyers were very well off. They 452 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,440 Speaker 1: knew what was going on. They were usually in charge 453 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,680 Speaker 1: and incredibly bossy, which was what I was in China. 454 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:45,520 Speaker 1: Very much wanted to get to that position. Um, And 455 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: once you've known poverty and hunger, your primary goal before 456 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 1: you can think of anyone else, and I think anyone 457 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:56,320 Speaker 1: else and anything else. And I think this is probably 458 00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,520 Speaker 1: universally true, is that you need to sure that you 459 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:03,320 Speaker 1: will never be there again. And with the way that 460 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,400 Speaker 1: lawyers were portrayed, I was like, Oh, this is a 461 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:11,080 Speaker 1: guaranteed way to be safe, to have money to it, 462 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 1: so my parents are never hungry. I'm never hungry in 463 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,560 Speaker 1: my future children are never hungry. And then on top 464 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: of that, reading books about RBG and their good Marshal, 465 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:27,160 Speaker 1: I realized lawyers know what's going on. They know the law. 466 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 1: It's kind of the opposite of being undocumented. They know 467 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: exactly how to navigate the system, and they can make 468 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:38,040 Speaker 1: it easier to do so for themselves, their family and 469 00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: people who are like them who they want to help. 470 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:44,680 Speaker 1: And so it just made perfect sense to me. And 471 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: I had already loved reading and writing so much. While 472 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,080 Speaker 1: it would have been cool and probably lucrative to be 473 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: an astronaut, I didn't have any of the skills, and 474 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,680 Speaker 1: I don't know how to do that. Reading and writing 475 00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,520 Speaker 1: I could do, and so I just single mindedly excited 476 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: on that. And I think it was very similar to 477 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 1: what my mother did. She said, I'm I know math. 478 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,240 Speaker 1: She had been on the cutting edge of computer science 479 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,360 Speaker 1: in China back in the late eighties and early nineties. 480 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:14,280 Speaker 1: One of my earliest memories of her is her sitting 481 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:16,080 Speaker 1: in front of a giant computer that took up the 482 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,480 Speaker 1: entire room, typing code into a black screen. I must 483 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,320 Speaker 1: have been in a stroller or something, but I was 484 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:24,640 Speaker 1: kind of from afar watching her. It was her dream 485 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:27,400 Speaker 1: and it was what she knew to do, and it 486 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:31,000 Speaker 1: was also lucrative she could provide for her family. So 487 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,360 Speaker 1: I think we were very similar in that respect of 488 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,800 Speaker 1: being extremely practical and knowing what we were good at. 489 00:32:40,080 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 1: When fourth grade rolls around, she and Julie has a 490 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,880 Speaker 1: number of powerful experiences in quick succession. First, she gets 491 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:52,680 Speaker 1: a cat named Marilyn, who has an imperfect face. As 492 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:56,160 Speaker 1: an only child, she A Julie loves this cat, who 493 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,360 Speaker 1: is her companion, her sibling, her true best friend, all 494 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:04,280 Speaker 1: rolled into one furry, flawed creature. But her parents don't 495 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: exactly share this love from Maryland. They believe the cat's 496 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:11,760 Speaker 1: imperfections will bring bad luck. During this time, she and 497 00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:16,720 Speaker 1: Julie's mother becomes increasingly unwell. She and Julie is also 498 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:21,800 Speaker 1: experiencing some bad luck at school, where her new teacher, Mr. Kane, 499 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:25,920 Speaker 1: is strict and unkind. When she and Julie turns in 500 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:29,640 Speaker 1: near perfect papers, he doesn't believe she's written them and 501 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:35,000 Speaker 1: accuses her of plagiarizing. She isn't, of course, so she 502 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:38,000 Speaker 1: starts to make errors on purpose, just so he'll leave 503 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:42,240 Speaker 1: her alone. These self protective lies lead to other kinds 504 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:45,520 Speaker 1: of lies. She and Julie becomes what she calls a 505 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:50,920 Speaker 1: habitual liar. She starts telling her friends tall tales, contradictory 506 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:54,160 Speaker 1: stories about where she comes from and who she is. 507 00:33:56,120 --> 00:34:00,680 Speaker 1: I think the message of having to lie about the 508 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:04,320 Speaker 1: fact that I immigrated, the fact that English was my 509 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:08,480 Speaker 1: second language, the fact that I was undocumented, embedded in 510 00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:11,279 Speaker 1: me a deep shame that went to the core of 511 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:14,040 Speaker 1: who I was. If I couldn't tell people I was 512 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:18,160 Speaker 1: born in China, which was at that point very central 513 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:22,160 Speaker 1: to my identity and my life, it must have been 514 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:26,279 Speaker 1: to my childhood mind that pretty much everything about me 515 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,239 Speaker 1: was worth being ashamed about, and everything about me should 516 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:35,480 Speaker 1: be kept secret. And what if I just created a 517 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:38,880 Speaker 1: different identity kind of as an escape, just as I 518 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:43,160 Speaker 1: escaped into fiction. Most of the time, I could create 519 00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:46,839 Speaker 1: this whole new life for myself and that would be 520 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,280 Speaker 1: worthy of esteem, and that would get my friends attention, 521 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:55,279 Speaker 1: and that I wouldn't have to be ashamed about. So 522 00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:59,640 Speaker 1: there was a lot of me that just longed for 523 00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:04,239 Speaker 1: that regular American childhood, whatever that means, right. I think 524 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,680 Speaker 1: that was the reason that I was so obsessed with 525 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:10,000 Speaker 1: the Babysitters Club and Sweet Belly High, because those people 526 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:14,680 Speaker 1: represented to me regular Americans who were acceptable and didn't 527 00:35:14,680 --> 00:35:17,759 Speaker 1: need to have all of these secrets and hide all 528 00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:22,440 Speaker 1: of these things about themselves, and I so badly wanted that. 529 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:27,319 Speaker 1: So that was kind of my way of making it 530 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:32,319 Speaker 1: up for myself. And I think it also normalized the 531 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:36,120 Speaker 1: secret keeping around being undocumented, because if I was lying 532 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,200 Speaker 1: about whether my dad was a cop or not, then 533 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:44,400 Speaker 1: maybe lying about being documented is not so bad. Of course, again, 534 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,319 Speaker 1: none of this was happening consciously. I think as a kid, 535 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 1: I was just feeling a lot and going through a lot, 536 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:54,440 Speaker 1: and that's how I tried to escape at all. But 537 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,759 Speaker 1: looking through an adult lens, it just makes sense why 538 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:02,120 Speaker 1: I was doing that. Yeah, it really does. And it 539 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,799 Speaker 1: also occurs to me that you were very good at it. 540 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:08,279 Speaker 1: The lying and you know, like when you would get 541 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,560 Speaker 1: caught in one lie. You know, my father is a cop, 542 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:15,279 Speaker 1: and then later my father is white, um, and and 543 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,480 Speaker 1: it's a CEO of a company, and I'm half white, 544 00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,040 Speaker 1: and your friends would be like, wait a minute, I thought, 545 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:22,799 Speaker 1: and you played this game with them like gotcha. I 546 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,239 Speaker 1: just wanted to see if you're paying attention, which would 547 00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:28,959 Speaker 1: have made you actually probably a little more confident about 548 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,960 Speaker 1: being able to lie about being undocumented and feel a 549 00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:35,360 Speaker 1: little safer. That's true. That's true because any time that 550 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:38,239 Speaker 1: they called me out on some discrepancy in terms of 551 00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:40,640 Speaker 1: my immigration status, I could be like, gotcha was a 552 00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:44,239 Speaker 1: test and you passed right. Um. It was a way 553 00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:48,120 Speaker 1: of reclaiming power in the way that superstitions did for 554 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:51,239 Speaker 1: me in that little world where I felt like I 555 00:36:51,239 --> 00:36:55,560 Speaker 1: had so little to hold onto. Well, Chian Julie is 556 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,040 Speaker 1: escaping into these fictions. The hard facts of our family's 557 00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:03,440 Speaker 1: life intrude. Her mother is getting sicker and sicker, often 558 00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:07,360 Speaker 1: retreating in pain. One day, she's rushed to the e er. 559 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 1: The doctors need to do surgery to determine the root 560 00:37:10,640 --> 00:37:13,520 Speaker 1: cause of her pain, but it takes quite some time 561 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:18,080 Speaker 1: before this can happen while other patients with more resources 562 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:23,640 Speaker 1: are prioritized on the queue. As the family waits terrified 563 00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:27,279 Speaker 1: for the results of Mamma's surgery, she a Julie is 564 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:34,800 Speaker 1: feeling destabilized. Literally around that time, I started bumping into everything. 565 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:36,920 Speaker 1: And it may have been that I was growing and 566 00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:40,560 Speaker 1: I was not fling my arms in the right position, 567 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,359 Speaker 1: or you know, as you're going through spurts of if 568 00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:46,239 Speaker 1: that happens. But I think more likely it was that 569 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:49,160 Speaker 1: I was so stressed out that I just was not 570 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,200 Speaker 1: fully in control for my body, and to the same extent, 571 00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:55,640 Speaker 1: because I was so distracted, so I started hitting things. 572 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,440 Speaker 1: And then when I was alone on the playground, as 573 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,839 Speaker 1: I say, I tripped on nothing. There was nothing in 574 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 1: my way. I just tripped and fell and twisted my 575 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:08,200 Speaker 1: right hand, which was my dominant hand, so I could 576 00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:12,200 Speaker 1: not really hold a pencil. I couldn't squeeze toothpaste. There 577 00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:14,640 Speaker 1: were a million and one things in the day that 578 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:18,799 Speaker 1: I could not do. But I also saw how incredibly 579 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:22,520 Speaker 1: stressed out my dad was. He was racing from work 580 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:26,040 Speaker 1: to the hospital and making sure I was taken care of, 581 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,040 Speaker 1: and she just did not have enough hours in the day. 582 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:33,879 Speaker 1: Much less any sort of financial resources to get me 583 00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:36,759 Speaker 1: to also see a doctor, because he was also saying, 584 00:38:36,880 --> 00:38:38,640 Speaker 1: we don't know how we're going to pay for your 585 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,759 Speaker 1: mother's care. She has now been the hospital for how 586 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:44,960 Speaker 1: many days? That's very expensive. It was a number that 587 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:48,600 Speaker 1: I couldn't have even fathoms. It just seemed so fancy 588 00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:51,839 Speaker 1: to have my mother boarding in a clean hospital bed 589 00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,319 Speaker 1: when we were living in this dingy little room. So 590 00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:58,279 Speaker 1: the last thing I wanted to do was add to 591 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:03,720 Speaker 1: my father's fears and his worries about bills and money 592 00:39:03,760 --> 00:39:06,520 Speaker 1: and the government coming after us. So I did what 593 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:09,440 Speaker 1: I knew to do by that point, which was high 594 00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:12,720 Speaker 1: banks and lie about things and not make any trouble. 595 00:39:15,560 --> 00:39:19,279 Speaker 1: The surgery finally happens, and while the news is good, 596 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,960 Speaker 1: the fear, of course, had been that chi Angelie's mom 597 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,320 Speaker 1: had cancer. Still it's determined that her gallbladder and a 598 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:28,239 Speaker 1: large part of her liver need to be removed. The 599 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,560 Speaker 1: surgeon takes a very small amount of money for the 600 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,600 Speaker 1: otherwise expensive surgery, but to the family it's not a 601 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:39,040 Speaker 1: small amount. It's their entire life savings. She A Julie's 602 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:43,799 Speaker 1: father pays the surgeon in cash at the time. As 603 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:47,440 Speaker 1: a child, I really saw him as a saint, an angel, 604 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:51,560 Speaker 1: someone who just descended upon us, helped us when we 605 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:54,680 Speaker 1: needed it most, and took what little we had to 606 00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:59,520 Speaker 1: give him. But looking back, also thinking about how deeply 607 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:03,640 Speaker 1: appreciate Shave my father was, how much he thanked him, 608 00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:07,040 Speaker 1: and the doctor acting kind of cold. I'm not sure 609 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:10,680 Speaker 1: he was aware of the family that he was helping out. 610 00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:14,040 Speaker 1: I'm not sure he even took the time to understand 611 00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:16,120 Speaker 1: what was going on there. He was just doing his 612 00:40:16,239 --> 00:40:20,239 Speaker 1: job and doing it well at that, but it wasn't 613 00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:25,920 Speaker 1: really thinking about the humanity behind the surgery. I can't 614 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,960 Speaker 1: fully trust my memory as a child's because everyone was 615 00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,440 Speaker 1: so much bigger than me and has so much more power. 616 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:35,879 Speaker 1: But seeing kind of that hurt in my father's eyes 617 00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,720 Speaker 1: when he handed over our life savings and the doctor 618 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,799 Speaker 1: just grabbed it with one hand and walked away, that 619 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,839 Speaker 1: introduces an element of an adult lens that I think 620 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:51,399 Speaker 1: there was something else bigger going on. After Angele's mother 621 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,120 Speaker 1: finally comes home from the hospital, the fault lines in 622 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:59,719 Speaker 1: the family deepen, her parents vulnerability intensifies. Her father gets 623 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:03,840 Speaker 1: rid of Marilyn the cat without telling Changjuli. This is 624 00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:07,319 Speaker 1: an enormous loss for her, but she stays quiet about it. 625 00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,799 Speaker 1: She feels like a burden on her stressed Baba and 626 00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:15,800 Speaker 1: on her Mama, who is still recovering. She and Julie 627 00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:19,040 Speaker 1: is carrying the weight of everything her parents are handling. 628 00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:22,319 Speaker 1: So when she learns about a school in Manhattan for 629 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:26,400 Speaker 1: gifted kids, the New York City LAB School for Collaborative Studies, 630 00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:30,280 Speaker 1: she really wants to apply, but she doesn't tell her parents. 631 00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:33,880 Speaker 1: They have too much on their plate, she thinks, and 632 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,280 Speaker 1: so without any support from her parents or her teacher, 633 00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:43,960 Speaker 1: she applies in secret and she's accepted. I think that 634 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:50,279 Speaker 1: to balance my approach of not making any trouble, was 635 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:55,880 Speaker 1: this inherent rebellious streak, maybe a drop of dissident blood 636 00:41:55,920 --> 00:42:00,279 Speaker 1: in me, where I believe I made the decid vision 637 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:04,640 Speaker 1: in my head to go forward with applying to LAB 638 00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:08,239 Speaker 1: because Mr Kane at one point said that school is 639 00:42:08,280 --> 00:42:10,520 Speaker 1: not for you. You can't get in, and if you, 640 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:12,520 Speaker 1: even if you did, you're not going to fit in. 641 00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:17,839 Speaker 1: And I at this point was so sick of this 642 00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,560 Speaker 1: man telling me what I couldn't do. It was my 643 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:25,400 Speaker 1: small act of rebellion to apply nevertheless, and when I 644 00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,920 Speaker 1: got in, and even in the when I first broached 645 00:42:27,920 --> 00:42:33,400 Speaker 1: the application the idea, my father was staunchly resistant. He 646 00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:37,319 Speaker 1: did not want anyone taking a very close look at 647 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:41,120 Speaker 1: our family, and any sort of application would of course 648 00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:43,880 Speaker 1: invite that. He knew that there was going to be 649 00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:46,759 Speaker 1: an interview. He just did not want to risk it. 650 00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:49,160 Speaker 1: He said, why not just go to your school in Brooklyn. 651 00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:52,120 Speaker 1: It's just as good, and now you actually speak English, 652 00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:54,960 Speaker 1: so you have nothing to worry about. But I got 653 00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:57,880 Speaker 1: it into my head because Mr Kane said I couldn't 654 00:42:57,880 --> 00:43:00,759 Speaker 1: go there, that if I went there, things will be 655 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,279 Speaker 1: different and I would be able to change my life 656 00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:08,200 Speaker 1: and turn our whole families the situation around. In fact, 657 00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:10,160 Speaker 1: Mr Kane said that you know those those are for 658 00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:12,840 Speaker 1: wealthy kids or some rich kids there, and my dad's 659 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:17,279 Speaker 1: at the same It was when Mr Kane said that 660 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,960 Speaker 1: it was the white, wealthy kids who went to schools 661 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,080 Speaker 1: like Lab that I made up my mind to attend 662 00:43:23,080 --> 00:43:26,040 Speaker 1: there because I believe that going to that school would 663 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:28,759 Speaker 1: somehow turn my life all around and turn around the 664 00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:33,560 Speaker 1: situation for my entire family. You're right, this is a 665 00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:36,279 Speaker 1: quote from your book. Maybe I could create everything I 666 00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,920 Speaker 1: wanted for myself, for the three of us, and this 667 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:45,880 Speaker 1: was the first step. Yeah, we'll be back in a 668 00:43:45,920 --> 00:44:02,120 Speaker 1: moment with more family secrets. Before chi and Julie can 669 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:05,520 Speaker 1: actually take this first step, her mother is rushed back 670 00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:08,960 Speaker 1: to the hospital in the weeks before chi Angelie's graduation 671 00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:12,800 Speaker 1: from fifth grade. She's not recovering smoothly from her surgery, 672 00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:17,560 Speaker 1: and the doctors diagnose her with pancreatitis. She's released just 673 00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:22,000 Speaker 1: in time to attend her daughter's graduation. At the ceremony, 674 00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:24,960 Speaker 1: ch Angelie searches for her parents in the sea of 675 00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:28,880 Speaker 1: faces as she and her classmates sing the graduation songs. 676 00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:34,319 Speaker 1: One is Bette Midler's wind Beneath My Wings. Midway through 677 00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:39,240 Speaker 1: the song, a certain lyric pierces Chiang Julie that lyric 678 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:44,520 Speaker 1: is a beautiful smile to hide the pain. I felt 679 00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:50,400 Speaker 1: like everything was hanging by string. I thought that my 680 00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:54,799 Speaker 1: mother was going to die, that she had given all 681 00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:59,080 Speaker 1: of herself, of her body to me to keep me 682 00:44:59,719 --> 00:45:03,239 Speaker 1: on or shelter under a roof with a bed. I 683 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:07,839 Speaker 1: felt like I owed her absolutely everything, and I felt 684 00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:10,919 Speaker 1: that all three of us were trapped in the situation. 685 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:16,080 Speaker 1: Graduation as supposed to be an exciting time of new beginnings. 686 00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:18,640 Speaker 1: And yes, I was going to lab and I was 687 00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,760 Speaker 1: hopeful that that would change things, But it also felt 688 00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:27,160 Speaker 1: so dangerous and treacherous. It felt like any wrong step 689 00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:32,680 Speaker 1: for any of us would be the last of me. 690 00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:35,680 Speaker 1: As my father said to me every now and then, 691 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:42,839 Speaker 1: as I repeated to myself and the armor that I 692 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:47,920 Speaker 1: had put on, the lies and pretending to be impervious 693 00:45:47,920 --> 00:45:52,319 Speaker 1: and bossing my friends around and being mean, that was 694 00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:56,720 Speaker 1: the beautiful style and iteration of that um to hide 695 00:45:57,000 --> 00:45:59,719 Speaker 1: so much of the pain. And when those lyrics came on, 696 00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:02,880 Speaker 1: I don't know, I just felt like something in me 697 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,759 Speaker 1: cracked open, and everything I was trying to hide all 698 00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:10,160 Speaker 1: those years, so much, so much emotion. I just could 699 00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:13,400 Speaker 1: not contain it anymore. And most of all, you know, 700 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,520 Speaker 1: the wind beneath my wings, which is my mother, my 701 00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:18,359 Speaker 1: best friend, and the closest person to me in the 702 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:22,160 Speaker 1: entire Western hemisphere. I didn't know if she was going 703 00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,000 Speaker 1: to be healthy, if she was going to live, if 704 00:46:24,280 --> 00:46:27,440 Speaker 1: what was going to be happening to our little family, 705 00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:35,720 Speaker 1: So everything just felt so precarious. Finally, at the lab school, 706 00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:39,560 Speaker 1: Chang Julie is where she belongs. Both academically and socially, 707 00:46:40,200 --> 00:46:43,960 Speaker 1: but things at home are increasingly complicated. Things are very 708 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:48,239 Speaker 1: tense between her parents. Her mom does recover physically and 709 00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:51,320 Speaker 1: graduates from City College with a degree in computer science, 710 00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:55,560 Speaker 1: and her dad, her dad buys a car, which is 711 00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:57,959 Speaker 1: sort of like saying her dad buys a private jet. 712 00:46:58,600 --> 00:47:02,400 Speaker 1: It's insane, astounding, and he doesn't discuss it with chian 713 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:05,960 Speaker 1: Julie's mother. He just goes and does it. During a 714 00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:09,520 Speaker 1: fight at the dinner table, he reaches across and slaps 715 00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:15,240 Speaker 1: his wife and something shifts. Shortly after that terrible moment, 716 00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,400 Speaker 1: chian Julie's mother shows up at the lab school one 717 00:47:18,480 --> 00:47:22,359 Speaker 1: day and simply says, we're going to Canada and her 718 00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:26,800 Speaker 1: father isn't coming. He didn't want to go. He was 719 00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:29,200 Speaker 1: afraid to go. Um, he didn't believe in the plan 720 00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,840 Speaker 1: to go. He didn't think it was safe. She said, 721 00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:36,840 Speaker 1: she figured out a way, and you're going. And you know, 722 00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:40,680 Speaker 1: you describe so beautifully the way that that is both 723 00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:46,440 Speaker 1: this very exciting and hopeful thing and also a huge loss. 724 00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:50,320 Speaker 1: You're leaving again, you're leaving everything that you know again, 725 00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:54,000 Speaker 1: and you're leaving your father and in an entire world 726 00:47:55,880 --> 00:48:01,160 Speaker 1: leaving to Canada was terrifying to me because the last 727 00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:04,320 Speaker 1: time I had left a country it had not worked 728 00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:08,640 Speaker 1: out so well, and I had no idea what would 729 00:48:08,719 --> 00:48:11,440 Speaker 1: be happening in Canada. My biggest fear was that it 730 00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:15,360 Speaker 1: was going to be worse. But my mother was so 731 00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:20,319 Speaker 1: incredibly hopeful and excited, and she had, for the first 732 00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,560 Speaker 1: time and a long time, done something without even telling 733 00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:26,960 Speaker 1: me about it. She planned on it for months without 734 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:32,000 Speaker 1: really talking to me, and that suggested to me like 735 00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,600 Speaker 1: she was a little bit more of her old self 736 00:48:35,200 --> 00:48:38,799 Speaker 1: in China, where she had hope and agency and was 737 00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:42,920 Speaker 1: the mother that I leaned on for safety. So it 738 00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:46,520 Speaker 1: gave me a sense that things might be better, but 739 00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:49,880 Speaker 1: it also felt like we were leaving in defeat. And 740 00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:53,120 Speaker 1: it's really quite a coincidence that happened to be reading 741 00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:56,279 Speaker 1: from the Mix of Files at the time, because there's 742 00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:59,120 Speaker 1: a famous line from that book that says, it's one 743 00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:02,600 Speaker 1: thing to be running towards something, and another thing entirely 744 00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:05,919 Speaker 1: to be running away from something. And I felt very 745 00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:10,680 Speaker 1: much like we were not running toward Canada, but running 746 00:49:10,719 --> 00:49:14,879 Speaker 1: away from America, whereas when we left China we were 747 00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:18,440 Speaker 1: very much running toward America for my father and for 748 00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:22,120 Speaker 1: that dream of the United States that he had from 749 00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:28,279 Speaker 1: reading American literature. Eventually, Chan Julie's father does follow them, 750 00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:32,560 Speaker 1: and together in Canada, they all become citizens. When it's 751 00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:35,919 Speaker 1: time for college, a Julie returns to America, she goes 752 00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:39,400 Speaker 1: to Swarthmore, a school that Mr Kane would definitely have 753 00:49:39,480 --> 00:49:43,040 Speaker 1: told her was beyond her reach. This becomes a pattern. 754 00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:47,640 Speaker 1: At Swathmore, a professor discourages her from applying to Yale Law, 755 00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:51,680 Speaker 1: telling her it will never happen. But as she did 756 00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:55,040 Speaker 1: with Mr. Kane, she Angulie proves this professor wrong as well. 757 00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,840 Speaker 1: She is accepted at Yale Law. She's on track to 758 00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:02,480 Speaker 1: achieving the goal set for herself back in the third grade. 759 00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:07,680 Speaker 1: You know, through all of this accomplishment and all of 760 00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:11,920 Speaker 1: this achievement, you carry with you the feeling that you 761 00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:16,520 Speaker 1: need to keep this history of yours secret quiet, that 762 00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:18,880 Speaker 1: you're going to transcend it. But you're going to transcend 763 00:50:18,920 --> 00:50:24,120 Speaker 1: it not by sharing it, but by hiding it. And 764 00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:28,759 Speaker 1: then you're in your second clerkship and you're opening the 765 00:50:28,840 --> 00:50:34,360 Speaker 1: file on yet another immigration appeal because this is the 766 00:50:34,440 --> 00:50:38,120 Speaker 1: area of law that you're doing, and it's like the 767 00:50:38,200 --> 00:50:45,359 Speaker 1: damn bursts. Absolutely, I kept everything a secret for so 768 00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:49,680 Speaker 1: long because I knew that if I didn't, if I 769 00:50:49,719 --> 00:50:53,080 Speaker 1: turned around and confronted it, it would be ugly for 770 00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:56,320 Speaker 1: a long time before it got better. It's like sweeping 771 00:50:56,400 --> 00:51:00,439 Speaker 1: things under the rug for decades. When you finally lift 772 00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:04,719 Speaker 1: up that rug, it's going to be pretty gross under there. 773 00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:09,000 Speaker 1: So I wanted to keep it barricaded and hidden and 774 00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:13,600 Speaker 1: out of sight. And like you say, I happened to 775 00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,000 Speaker 1: clerk on a great court that handled a lot of 776 00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:20,719 Speaker 1: immigration federal appeals during the Obama administration, when there were 777 00:51:20,760 --> 00:51:24,520 Speaker 1: a lot of deportations, including of Dreamers. And when I 778 00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:26,920 Speaker 1: came upon yet another I believe it was like twenty 779 00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:30,520 Speaker 1: something or fortieth case on the same back pattern that 780 00:51:30,920 --> 00:51:36,160 Speaker 1: somewhat mirrored my life, I felt like such a complete fraud. 781 00:51:37,400 --> 00:51:40,840 Speaker 1: I was thinking, who am I to advise the judge 782 00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:45,040 Speaker 1: on the fate of this person when I myself cannot 783 00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:49,920 Speaker 1: confront my own truths which are reflected in this record. 784 00:51:51,280 --> 00:51:53,880 Speaker 1: And I was thinking, if the judge knew, maybe she 785 00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:56,480 Speaker 1: wouldn't even want me to work on it, because I 786 00:51:56,520 --> 00:51:59,360 Speaker 1: don't know. Maybe I'm conflicted out. I was then still 787 00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:02,960 Speaker 1: very young lawyer and didn't understand quite how that worked. 788 00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:09,200 Speaker 1: So at that juncture of my personal and professional lives crossing, 789 00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:12,839 Speaker 1: and me realizing that I had made it to that 790 00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:16,680 Speaker 1: point that little chan thought would get her to safety. 791 00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:19,240 Speaker 1: She was a lawyer, she was making money, She should 792 00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:21,800 Speaker 1: be safe, she should know what to do, and realizing 793 00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:23,680 Speaker 1: I still didn't know what to do and I was 794 00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:26,440 Speaker 1: still very much that little kid who lied about everything, 795 00:52:27,400 --> 00:52:30,920 Speaker 1: I just had it. So I walked into my judges office. 796 00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:34,000 Speaker 1: She's an incredible mentor to me, and I'm sure she 797 00:52:34,080 --> 00:52:35,520 Speaker 1: had no idea what I was about to say. I 798 00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:40,120 Speaker 1: sat down, apropos of nothing and just started talking. But 799 00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,880 Speaker 1: she listened. She, like ms palm, held space for me. 800 00:52:44,880 --> 00:52:48,240 Speaker 1: She listened intently. She didn't speak when I paused, because 801 00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:51,040 Speaker 1: she knew there was more. She just kept listening. I 802 00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:55,480 Speaker 1: had never told anyone this whole history, much less someone 803 00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:59,239 Speaker 1: in such a position of power, someone who could arguably 804 00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:03,239 Speaker 1: support me if my case came up that way. And 805 00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:07,800 Speaker 1: when I stopped talking, she didn't have judgment in her eyes, 806 00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:10,399 Speaker 1: she didn't have blames, she didn't have to discussed none 807 00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,440 Speaker 1: of the things that I expected to be confronted with 808 00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:16,400 Speaker 1: when I finally aired the truth. She instead had this 809 00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:20,520 Speaker 1: look of great understanding and empathy, and she said, secrets 810 00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:25,600 Speaker 1: hold so much power over us, don't they? And she 811 00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,560 Speaker 1: said it in such a way that suggested that she 812 00:53:28,680 --> 00:53:32,120 Speaker 1: had lived my life. But of course she didn't. I 813 00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:35,640 Speaker 1: knew that much. And it would take probably a year 814 00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:40,000 Speaker 1: of me thinking about that sentence and chewing on it 815 00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:43,480 Speaker 1: and trying to figure out what she was saying for 816 00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:47,480 Speaker 1: me to realize, Oh, what she's really saying is that 817 00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:52,920 Speaker 1: all of us have these monumental secrets that to us 818 00:53:52,960 --> 00:53:58,680 Speaker 1: feel incredibly shameful and burdensome, but are actually, once aired, 819 00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:01,920 Speaker 1: the key to our liberate sition. It took me a 820 00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:04,960 Speaker 1: long time to understand that. Of course, she's had other words, 821 00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:08,320 Speaker 1: reassuring words and kind words for me to not worry 822 00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:12,200 Speaker 1: and to stand in my truth. That it was great 823 00:54:12,239 --> 00:54:14,720 Speaker 1: to hear and hard for me to accept at the time. 824 00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:18,759 Speaker 1: But without her guidance, without her holding space for me 825 00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:22,839 Speaker 1: in that position of supreme power, I think I would 826 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:30,280 Speaker 1: have kept online for many more years. Here's tan Julie 827 00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:38,000 Speaker 1: reading from the ending of her extraordinary story. I repeat 828 00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:42,600 Speaker 1: the judge's words. It has become a daily morning practice 829 00:54:44,040 --> 00:54:47,400 Speaker 1: But this time, after almost a year, I feel the 830 00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:50,640 Speaker 1: lie slip away through the weave of my mantra. My 831 00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:53,239 Speaker 1: muscles lose a tightness I did not know they have 832 00:54:53,320 --> 00:54:57,040 Speaker 1: been carrying, And against the backdrop of my truths, I me, 833 00:54:57,040 --> 00:55:01,919 Speaker 1: at long last, free to admit I am hired. I'm 834 00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,680 Speaker 1: so very tired of running and hiding. But I have 835 00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:07,000 Speaker 1: been doing it for so long. I don't know how 836 00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:10,120 Speaker 1: to stop. I don't know how to do anything else. 837 00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:15,239 Speaker 1: It is all I am defining myself against illegality while 838 00:55:15,280 --> 00:55:19,959 Speaker 1: stitching it into my veins. The Judge's words are my blanketness, 839 00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:24,240 Speaker 1: and in its snug embrace, I rediscover safety I knew once, 840 00:55:24,640 --> 00:55:28,960 Speaker 1: long long ago. I turned back to the window and 841 00:55:29,000 --> 00:55:31,759 Speaker 1: see for the first time the little girl cast a 842 00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:35,040 Speaker 1: glow against the light of the waking sun. And then 843 00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:38,439 Speaker 1: I try something new. I look that wise little girl 844 00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:41,520 Speaker 1: in the eyes and reach my hand out for hers. 845 00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:57,680 Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Mollys A. 846 00:55:57,760 --> 00:56:00,320 Speaker 1: Core is the story editor and Dylan fa Again is 847 00:56:00,320 --> 00:56:04,080 Speaker 1: the executive producer. If you have a family secret you'd 848 00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:06,560 Speaker 1: like to share, please leave us a voicemail and your 849 00:56:06,600 --> 00:56:10,000 Speaker 1: story could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is 850 00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:14,640 Speaker 1: one eight eight Secret zero. That's the number zero. You 851 00:56:14,640 --> 00:56:19,239 Speaker 1: can also find me on Instagram at Danny writer, and 852 00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:22,439 Speaker 1: you can find us on Facebook at facebook dot com 853 00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:27,439 Speaker 1: slash Family Secrets Pod and Twitter at FAMI Secrets Pod. 854 00:56:28,360 --> 00:56:29,960 Speaker 1: If you'd like to know more about the story that 855 00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:45,480 Speaker 1: inspired this podcast, check out my memoir Inheritance. For more 856 00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:48,359 Speaker 1: podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, 857 00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:51,480 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.