Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for salm and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until
Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my
Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a
Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio Grand Rising.
Speaker 1: And Welcome to the R Spot, that place where we
Speaker 1: look into, dig into, investigate relationships, all things relationships. I
Speaker 1: am Yamla, your guide, your host, your support, the facilitator
Speaker 1: of consciousness that will support us all in creating more fulfilling,
Speaker 1: loving relationships in every area of our life. Well, I'm
Speaker 1: going out on a limb today. I'm calling forth and
Speaker 1: talking to the men. Although I know men always listen
Speaker 1: to the R Spot. I know because when I see
Speaker 1: them in the Walmart they tell me. But today I'm
Speaker 1: calling them forward and asking them to talk about something
Speaker 1: that I think may be a little challenging, difficult, uncomfortable
Speaker 1: for them. And that's how do men deal with heartache? Heartbreak?
Speaker 1: How do men deal with cheating? You know, women, we
Speaker 1: talk about it all the time. He did this, He
Speaker 1: did that. The woman call me I called her, The
Speaker 1: man called me. I called him. But how does the
Speaker 1: average man deal with heartbreak? Heartache? Betrayal that we call cheating?
Speaker 1: As women, when we feel that our partner, our loved one,
Speaker 1: has stepped out on us, we will cry, we will cuss,
Speaker 1: we will shop, we will do a major investigation. Have
Speaker 1: you ever done a major investigation just to prove what
Speaker 1: you already know is true? You know, following the car,
Speaker 1: digging in the phone, checking the emails. Women will do that.
Speaker 1: Do men do that? Women will call their girlfriends and
Speaker 1: talk bad about him? Do guys call their friends and
Speaker 1: talk bad about her? We will eat and eat, and eat,
Speaker 1: sometimes drink or smoke, engage in happy flowers, will do
Speaker 1: whatever is required to numb the pain, to dull the hurt.
Speaker 1: But today I want to know what men do. What
Speaker 1: do you do when you discover that the person you're
Speaker 1: with is cheating, is betraying your trust? What do you do?
Speaker 1: Does it hurt you? Does it send you shopping? So
Speaker 1: today we are gonna talk to the men. I want
Speaker 1: to know how they deal with heartache, heartbreak. I want
Speaker 1: to know what they're learning. I want to know if
Speaker 1: they know that they're learning. I want to know so
Speaker 1: that as women we get to hear it and have
Speaker 1: another consideration, because sometimes I think women don't think that
Speaker 1: men feel. We're gonna find out different. Today, here's my
Speaker 1: first caller. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. Today,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about how men deal with heartache, heartbreak,
Speaker 1: betrayal when they find out that the one they love
Speaker 1: is stepping out on them. So what do you bringing
Speaker 1: to the table today.
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, thank you. It's a blessing to be have
Speaker 2: this opportunity to speak with you. Well, I've been dating
Speaker 2: a sister for about a year, a little over a year,
Speaker 2: and we've been known each other for about one and
Speaker 2: a half three years, even contemplated marriage. Everything going pretty
Speaker 2: good except for about the last four months. Been a
Speaker 2: lot of agitation, a lot of tense energy coming from her.
Speaker 2: Things of that nature. Now, she does have a past
Speaker 2: far as trauma, things of that nature. She talked about
Speaker 2: things growing up in her childhood. She didn't grow up
Speaker 2: with a mother, She grew up with a great aunty.
Speaker 2: She became a widow. I think after about four or
Speaker 2: five years, maybe about six years of marriage, she became
Speaker 2: a widow. Her husband was boundly killed. Then she got
Speaker 2: in a couple more relationships, had two more children by
Speaker 2: two different men who cheated on her and did all
Speaker 2: kinds of things. And it's been times where the tension
Speaker 2: would come up and I'd be like, you need to
Speaker 2: talk to me, communicate, and she will be like, no,
Speaker 2: I'll fix it myself. You're not here to fix me,
Speaker 2: you know. So I make a long story short, everything's
Speaker 2: going good. So probably about four months ago and miss
Speaker 2: tension started right And then I noticed a pattern. She
Speaker 2: would go out with a friends, or she might have
Speaker 2: an event, and it always would be a Saturday, and
Speaker 2: I would hear from her maybe four or five o'clock
Speaker 2: in the afternoon, and then maybe right before she goes out,
Speaker 2: you know, maybe eight or nine, and then I wann't
Speaker 2: hear from her no more that night until the next morning.
Speaker 2: Now she has keys to my loss, not come home.
Speaker 2: So her excuse would be was that she got a
Speaker 2: little tipsy, she just went home with a friend. I
Speaker 2: would brush it off, you know. Then one incident, we
Speaker 2: were in my car and when you do plug your
Speaker 2: phone up to my car, which is after play text messages,
Speaker 2: and seems like that will pop up on the screen.
Speaker 2: So she had one text message from a guy name
Speaker 2: Chocolate Jack.
Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, Chocolate Lumberjack.
Speaker 2: Yes, so I asked, I was like, who is Chocolate Lumberjack.
Speaker 2: She wouldn't tell me none of my business because it's
Speaker 2: not because she said, that's her phone, not my phone.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, this doesn't make sense. How can you
Speaker 2: contemplate someone about marriage but you don't want to, you know.
Speaker 2: So anyway, that went on for about two three days.
Speaker 2: Then she finally said that my co parents, that's my
Speaker 2: baby daddy or whatnot. And it just still didn't sit right.
Speaker 2: And like I say, I've been knowing her for about
Speaker 2: two and a half maybe three years, but I've never
Speaker 2: set foot in her house. What never?
Speaker 3: Yeah, And that threw me off. And I mean, I
Speaker 3: don't know. Maybe I'm just I'm I'm forty seven years old,
Speaker 3: and it's just like, you know, I know uh African
Speaker 3: American black women, us I'm an afric American black male.
Speaker 2: I know the flight that we've been through. I know
Speaker 2: women who have been just toour minute through trauma. But me,
Speaker 2: trauma explains your behavior, but it doesn't make it an excuse.
Speaker 2: And she always uses her trauma as an excuse.
Speaker 1: So you never met her children?
Speaker 2: Yes, I made her children. Her children have spent the
Speaker 2: night at my house at my loss. Now I have
Speaker 2: a one bedroom lost, so they're making pallets on the floor.
Speaker 2: It's times I travel. I travel, and with my occupation,
Speaker 2: she has access to my part to my loss, and
Speaker 2: she will actually spend the night here with her children,
Speaker 2: won't even stay at her house. I know your episode,
Speaker 2: you know, is about men who she is on and
Speaker 2: trying to recover. But I'm in a state to where
Speaker 2: I'm like, I still I haven't caught her in the act,
Speaker 2: but things are just not adding up. Then again, I
Speaker 2: don't know. Maybe she's schizophrenic, bipolar, I don't know. But
Speaker 2: to me, I feel bad if I just cut her off.
Speaker 2: But at the same time people telling me like it
Speaker 2: doesn't add up.
Speaker 1: Okay, let's stop here for a moment. I want you
Speaker 1: to just take a breath. I take a breath. You know,
Speaker 1: there's an ancient African proverb that says he who knows
Speaker 1: does not die like he who does not know. So
Speaker 1: I want to ask you, beloved, this is a hard one.
Speaker 1: This is a pearl for clutching is this woman betraying
Speaker 1: your trust?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, okay, and you want to marry her?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, okay, so you're acting like you don't know that
Speaker 1: you don't want to marry her.
Speaker 2: But this came about such as Saturday, so it's I mean,
Speaker 2: to a bend. I was, but now it's kind of
Speaker 2: like the straw that broke the cameras back. Now it's like, no,
Speaker 2: I've even stressed it to her, like we cannot move on,
Speaker 2: but she's like, I'm projected, I'm making a bad decision.
Speaker 2: She's the best thing. You know, this and that, Oh.
Speaker 1: Well yeah, that's the same thing. That's the same thing
Speaker 1: fried food will say to you. I'm good, I taste good,
Speaker 1: I look good. It's not gonna tell you that it's
Speaker 1: clogging up your heart arteries. If you could talk to
Speaker 1: a pizza fried chicken, it's not gonna tell you I'm
Speaker 1: making your arteries hard and getting ready to kill you. Right,
Speaker 1: So let me let me ask you this. First of all,
Speaker 1: thank you for your honesty. And I'm sure this can't
Speaker 1: be easy for you, but I want to work it
Speaker 1: down so that you don't die like you don't know. Okay,
Speaker 1: and die doesn't mean in your life. It means in
Speaker 1: this relationship, it means, you know, diminish your self worth.
Speaker 1: It means diminish your dignity, your pride. That's what I
Speaker 1: mean when I say die. So if you know the
Speaker 1: truth and you can make a conscious, powerful choice based
Speaker 1: on what you know, oh and you trust yourself, then
Speaker 1: you won't end up getting beat up, beat down and crazy.
Speaker 1: There's a lesson here. We'll get to that in a minute.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you this. Have you ever been cheated
Speaker 1: on before? Yes, oh you have been. Okay, so it
Speaker 1: might be a little hard for you to say, I
Speaker 1: cannot believe this is going on again, right right?
Speaker 2: And then, like I say, the previous time, well it
Speaker 2: was not caught in the act, but you know, through takes,
Speaker 2: messages and through another second source and then it finally
Speaker 2: came out and see here is just it's like in
Speaker 2: my mind. And then she just tell me I'm projecting.
Speaker 2: That's your insecure you know, you know, things of that nature.
Speaker 2: And like I say, she will say that she didn't
Speaker 2: answer the phone because she would, you know, either incomplicated
Speaker 2: sleep or she she just wanted some time for her.
Speaker 1: That's a lie. That's a lie. Stop it. Don't you
Speaker 1: know those are lies?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, so stop acting like you don't know.
Speaker 2: That, right. I concept that. But my thing is I
Speaker 2: hate being in limbo when she's trying to.
Speaker 1: You're not in limbo. You're in denial. You are not
Speaker 1: in limbo. Stop it. I'm not going to participate in
Speaker 1: that with you. You are not in limbo. You are
Speaker 1: in denial. So let's let's dispense of her first and
Speaker 1: then we'll get to the lesson for you. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 1: First of all, how does this make you feel to
Speaker 1: know that somebody you considered marrying is betraying your trust,
Speaker 1: is being dishonest, and is violating your relationship again, your
Speaker 1: relationship with them. How does that make you feel?
Speaker 2: It's it's very crippling.
Speaker 1: What does that mean as far.
Speaker 2: As emotionally it makes m I'm I'm I'm an electrical
Speaker 2: contracted by trade, I do community service, I have a
Speaker 2: youth mentorship group, and I'm also a full time student.
Speaker 2: And it is so emotionally that it drains me from
Speaker 2: being able to what I say. The past couple of
Speaker 2: days because since the last incident, which was Saturday till
Speaker 2: Sunday morning, it's just I cannot function because I'm constantly
Speaker 2: thinking about what did I do wrong?
Speaker 3: You know?
Speaker 2: Am I wrong? So it's just this this conundrum going
Speaker 2: on in my head where I cannot figure out what
Speaker 2: is going on. I can't perform as far as schoolwork.
Speaker 1: Tell me, why? Why is this crippling you? Because even
Speaker 1: if she's not cheating, even if she's not cheating, there
Speaker 1: are so many red flags that you are justifying. The
Speaker 1: issue is not what she's doing, beloved. The issue is
Speaker 1: what you're doing to yourself. Even if she's not cheating,
Speaker 1: you don't trust her. You know she lies. She's telling
Speaker 1: you it's none of your business. Oh no, you've never
Speaker 1: been to her house. How are you justifying never going
Speaker 1: to her house, never sitting down at her kitchen table
Speaker 1: and having a meal, never sleeping in her bed. How
Speaker 1: do you justify this? This isn't about what she's doing,
Speaker 1: It's about what you're doing. And my question is why
Speaker 1: why are you doing this to yourself?
Speaker 4: I guess far as.
Speaker 2: It's being at forty seven, you know you you want.
Speaker 1: Somebody I don't want to fail again. I don't want
Speaker 1: to fail again. Does that land for you?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yeah, take a breath, Take a breath. I could be
Speaker 1: totally wrong, totally wrong. Please hear me. I don't have
Speaker 1: no investment in being right here, but I really sense
Speaker 1: two things going on. That you want it so bad
Speaker 1: you're willing to accommodate anything to get it. You want
Speaker 1: somebody so bad that you're willing to accommodate anything to
Speaker 1: get it. And in doing that, you diminish yourself. You
Speaker 1: diminish your worth, you diminish your dignity, you diminish your
Speaker 1: self respect. And then when you do that, you attract
Speaker 1: people who will support you in diminishing your value, diminishing
Speaker 1: your worth, diminishing your dignity, and diminishing your self respect. Yes,
Speaker 1: what are we gonna do with mischeat to cheata punkin eater?
Speaker 1: What we're gonna do with her? Let's get her out
Speaker 1: the way? Did you get your keys back?
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am?
Speaker 1: Okay, so good, you've denied her access.
Speaker 2: Well, I've actually you know, made up in my mind,
Speaker 2: and then with this conversation is totally reassured me that
Speaker 2: we're not compatible.
Speaker 1: Period. That's it don't add nothing else to it. We
Speaker 1: are not compatible. She is not who I want. I
Speaker 1: want a woman who's honest, who speaks the truth. I
Speaker 1: want a woman who has at least some of her
Speaker 1: issues handled. I want a woman that's willing to let
Speaker 1: me into her life. This woman won't even let me
Speaker 1: into her home. We are not compatible. That's it. Don't
Speaker 1: go any further with the story, because you have a
Speaker 1: tendency to accommodate and excuse and rationalize people's bad behavior,
Speaker 1: probably based on what you saw your parents do and
Speaker 1: what you made up about it. We're not compatible, period. Yeah,
Speaker 1: block her number, block it, and not only not only
Speaker 1: take get your key from her. Change the lock, baby,
Speaker 1: Don't act like you don't know this woman can't be trusted.
Speaker 1: Change the lock. I'm serious about that, because you don't
Speaker 1: know if she has another key, and whether she's cheating
Speaker 1: or not cheating, whether the lumberjack is laying logs or whatever,
Speaker 1: because that's what lumberjacks do exactly, they lay logs. And
Speaker 1: so you all are not compatible, period. Doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: there's not a woman out there for you. She's not it, right,
Speaker 1: and I really want to support you and not diminishing
Speaker 1: yourself as a man by accommodating that. Simply because you
Speaker 1: want somebody, I got somebody for you. I give you
Speaker 1: a couple of names and numbers good women, good spiritually
Speaker 1: grounded women, because that right there, right when we clean
Speaker 1: up some things in there, you will draw to you.
Speaker 1: Trust me, hear me?
Speaker 2: Can you hear me, ma'am?
Speaker 1: There are hundreds of thousands of women out there looking
Speaker 1: for you. They are I talk to them all the time.
Speaker 1: Now you can get one from twenty five to fifty two.
Speaker 1: But you got to clean yourself up. You got to
Speaker 1: clean yourself up. And this thing of looking at something,
Speaker 1: looking at something and excusing it, rationalizing it again, no heat,
Speaker 1: no judgment, no you know, put down probably comes from
Speaker 1: what you saw going on with your parents. So you
Speaker 1: got to create a whole new structure, all right. Also,
Speaker 1: this thought about I don't want to fail again and
Speaker 1: I can't have what I want. Those two things we
Speaker 1: gotta kind of whittle those down. I want somebody who
Speaker 1: treats you well. You want a woman that's going to
Speaker 1: allow you to be the spiritual leader. You want a
Speaker 1: woman that's bringing something to the table. And you want
Speaker 1: to be able to be at the table. I mean
Speaker 1: a year and you ain't been to this woman's house.
Speaker 1: That's crazy. You know, she could be living with somebody
Speaker 1: for you know, but we're not going into that. She's done.
Speaker 1: Let me hear you say, I'm done with her.
Speaker 2: I'm done with her?
Speaker 1: Are you sure?
Speaker 2: I'm sure?
Speaker 1: How are you going to communicate to her that you're done?
Speaker 1: Because it's not just walk away. I want you to
Speaker 1: have your dignity and be in integrity. I want you
Speaker 1: to know that you can stand up for yourself and
Speaker 1: say no. So one, how are you going to communicate
Speaker 1: to her that you are going to that you're done?
Speaker 1: This is it? I'm over, I'm done, I'm.
Speaker 2: Done or I'm tired. I can't take no more or
Speaker 2: the blatant disrespect. It's the uncertainty, you know, just you know,
Speaker 2: don't I can't do the randomnession, you know?
Speaker 1: Can I offer you a more empowering language than I
Speaker 1: can't take, because that's like she's done something to you.
Speaker 1: I want you to I really want to support you
Speaker 1: in standing up for yourself within yourself and simply creating
Speaker 1: a boundary and saying no so as opposed to I
Speaker 1: can't take I'm not choosing to be in a relationship
Speaker 1: with a woman I can't trust a woman who tells
Speaker 1: me it's none of my business, a woman whose house
Speaker 1: I've never been to. Just speak your true reality, you know,
Speaker 1: speak your experience, not I can't take. I'm not choosing
Speaker 1: that for myself, because choice is power. I'm not choosing
Speaker 1: this for myself. You got too much going on, and
Speaker 1: you don't have to save a whole. You know what
Speaker 1: save a whole is the captain save a hole. I'm
Speaker 1: coming in to save a hole to that. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: you're not the Indian chief to say, Okay, that's not
Speaker 1: your job. She got issues, she dealing with them. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: so let her go. And I'm not calling her a
Speaker 1: whore or demoralizing her. That's just to say, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm not demoralizing her in any way because she's my
Speaker 1: sister and she's probably a youngin to me, so I'm
Speaker 1: respecting her. I'm not talking to her or about her.
Speaker 1: I'm talking to you. Done done by? When are you
Speaker 1: going to change your lock?
Speaker 2: So as I get through it lest I'm going to load.
Speaker 1: And you haven't failed. You've learned how to stand up
Speaker 1: for yourself within yourself, create a clear boundary and say.
Speaker 2: No next, thank you, thank you much, blessing.
Speaker 1: Thank you for calling beloved. I wish you luck.
Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, thank you very much.
Speaker 1: Okay, bye bye. One of the greatest mistakes that we
Speaker 1: can make in any relationship, loving, intimate relationship, family relationships,
Speaker 1: friendships is acting like we don't know what we know.
Speaker 1: We know it, we know it. Certain things come to you.
Speaker 1: It comes to you as a thought, it comes to
Speaker 1: you as a feeling. Sometimes life will play the scene
Speaker 1: out in front of you. But if we don't have
Speaker 1: the physical evidence, if we don't catch the person with
Speaker 1: their pants down around their ankles, or if we don't
Speaker 1: hear it or see it, we act like it doesn't exist. Listen,
Speaker 1: he who knows does not die like he who does
Speaker 1: not know. Know what you know. Know what you know,
Speaker 1: and don't get into the person's psychosocial history about what
Speaker 1: they gonna do if they tell your truth, whether or
Speaker 1: not they're gonna agree with you. Know what you know,
Speaker 1: and make the choice to take a stand for yourself
Speaker 1: within yourself and create a clear boundary. It's just that simple. Greetings,
Speaker 1: we love it, and welcome to the art spot. Today
Speaker 1: we're talking about how men heal betrayal, cheating, being let down.
Speaker 1: So I want to know what you're bringing to the table.
Speaker 4: I've been in relationship for six years and I used
Speaker 4: to internalize when my ex cheated on me.
Speaker 1: I internalized it for so many reasons, such as.
Speaker 4: Such as I didn't know if I was doing anything
Speaker 4: wrong or right. He wasn't vocalizing why he cheated, He
Speaker 4: wasn't there himself mentally. I kept doing all the works
Speaker 4: in a relationship, and I know it takes two. But
Speaker 4: for the for the six years that I was in
Speaker 4: a relationship, permitted relationships, he cheated so many times that
Speaker 4: I didn't give up. I had to put my foot down.
Speaker 1: You mean you created a boundary. You created a boundary
Speaker 1: and said no, this is unacceptable.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I internalize it because I thought I was doing
Speaker 4: a lot of I thought I wasn't meeting him where
Speaker 4: he was that and overextending myself making sure he was
Speaker 4: okay like I was. His father wasn't like you know,
Speaker 4: as a little as a child, I would grow up
Speaker 4: in foster care. It's like those protective factors from myself,
Speaker 4: I kicked them at a young age so I'm always
Speaker 4: the caring type of person, but it's like I've never
Speaker 4: had that received, like reciprocated. So I'm doing all of
Speaker 4: the nurturing. We're not needed the nurturing as well, you know,
Speaker 4: I need to reciprocate it, like it's a two way street.
Speaker 1: If I'm hearing you, in your six years of relationship
Speaker 1: with this person, there were multiple betrayals of your trust.
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, that's actually because.
Speaker 1: Cheating isn't just about the sex or sleeping with somebody.
Speaker 1: It's being careless with someone's heart. Yeah, that's really the
Speaker 1: core of cheating. It's dishonoring or violating an agreement or
Speaker 1: a commitment. Okay, so he wanted an open relationship. Is
Speaker 1: that what I'm hearing you say.
Speaker 4: In a sense, But he couldn't vocalize.
Speaker 1: That, but you got the impression. Is that what you wanted?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, so he wanted something you didn't want, so you want?
Speaker 1: You said, why he cheated because he wanted something that
Speaker 1: you didn't want. He wanted more partners than just you,
Speaker 1: and that's not what you wanted, right, So you answered
Speaker 1: that question, why did he cheat? Because you and him
Speaker 1: don't want the same thing? How about that. Yes, I
Speaker 1: mean that's simple.
Speaker 4: I internalized that. I'm like, why am I good enough
Speaker 4: for somebody? Well? Him, he's known it for so long,
Speaker 4: and it was just like, you know, you were in
Speaker 4: a committed relationship, but clearly he cheated like too many
Speaker 4: times when I internalized it. So with that, I feel like,
Speaker 4: that's all I knew.
Speaker 1: But you were repeating your history of growing up in
Speaker 1: foster care, where you could be left that any minute,
Speaker 1: moved at any minute, taken away from what you knew
Speaker 1: at any minute when you didn't know you could trust
Speaker 1: where you were. You were simply repeating your history because
Speaker 1: probably what you wanted was a stable, permanent home, and
Speaker 1: you didn't get that, so you may have a belief
Speaker 1: that you can't have it. So in your relationship, you
Speaker 1: may have been recreating what you knew. Then we'll talk
Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Now, where
Speaker 1: is the relationship now? You and he?
Speaker 4: Yeah, the relation here right now. He reached out the
Speaker 4: other day and we started talking and he apologized, and
Speaker 4: I you know what I wanted that closure. We were
Speaker 4: broken up for about a whole entire year. I was
Speaker 4: okay with that.
Speaker 1: What does that mean? I was okay with that.
Speaker 4: I was okay with that because he apologized and it
Speaker 4: seemed like within a whole year he was to change.
Speaker 4: Just but it's only been one day.
Speaker 1: You know, it's a trick. It's a trick, and the
Speaker 1: trick is not on him. The trick is on you.
Speaker 1: The trick is whether or not you are going to
Speaker 1: continue in a relationship who wants something different than what
Speaker 1: you want. If you were going to continue, this is
Speaker 1: another foster home, baby, He's just another foster home and
Speaker 1: you've been in that foster home before, so you're going
Speaker 1: to go back.
Speaker 4: It's a hard decision because she's all I know right now.
Speaker 1: I hear you, I would be interested to know. You
Speaker 1: say you're internalizing. What does that feel like? What are
Speaker 1: you feeling right now?
Speaker 4: I feel alone that nobody understands me, you know, I know,
Speaker 4: it's just like alone to a point where I'm in
Speaker 4: a house and if I go outside and people are
Speaker 4: just random people are trying to talk to me, I
Speaker 4: feel like, oh, they're against me, Like you know, like
Speaker 4: people can smile and it will make me smile, But
Speaker 4: what comes with that smile from that person, Why do
Speaker 4: they smile at me? It's just like, I don't even
Speaker 4: know these people from a can't paint, so with me,
Speaker 4: internalizing what other people do is like making me sant
Speaker 4: offiicient of sense.
Speaker 1: And that's that's so common to people with your history,
Speaker 1: people who've been passed around in foster homes and who've
Speaker 1: been left by their parents. That's that's common. That's natural.
Speaker 1: So don't make it something that you you know that's
Speaker 1: specific to you or personality you. That's a common human response.
Speaker 1: I get that, and I also hear that that is
Speaker 1: one of the reasons that you would consider being back
Speaker 1: in relationship with the person who wants something different than
Speaker 1: you do, the person who has betrayed your trust, the
Speaker 1: person that's been careless with your heart. But you're going
Speaker 1: back into that. You're willing to go back into that
Speaker 1: because it's familiar at least you know it. But here's
Speaker 1: the danger of it. If you don't know what's going
Speaker 1: to be different this time, and you go back into
Speaker 1: it and the same thing happens again, you're going to
Speaker 1: beat yourself mercilessly, mercilessly because some part of you knows
Speaker 1: better telling you it's a trick, not even a trick,
Speaker 1: it's a test, and it doesn't have anything to do
Speaker 1: with him. Yourself, your higher self, your true self, is saying,
Speaker 1: are you you willing to do it different? Don't go
Speaker 1: to what's familiar, be willing to be with yourself until
Speaker 1: you can clean up the stuff. That's what Jahiah self
Speaker 1: is saying to you. And I hear you. I hear
Speaker 1: you asking for support, for help, for a safe place
Speaker 1: to fall, that you can work this through. So even
Speaker 1: if you want to go back to him, you want
Speaker 1: to go back to him different. I heard you say
Speaker 1: he's different, But are you different? Are you different? Are
Speaker 1: you are? Do you have clear boundaries? Are you going
Speaker 1: to say no? Are you going to respond differently? So
Speaker 1: it's not about him now, it's about you. You deserve
Speaker 1: to be heard, You deserve to be supported, You deserve
Speaker 1: to be loved. You deserve that. But in order for
Speaker 1: that to happen, you have to say no to the
Speaker 1: things that aren't loving, aren't kind, aren't respectful, aren't honorable.
Speaker 1: It's not about what the other person does, beloved, It's
Speaker 1: about what you do. Because only you can create the vibration,
Speaker 1: the energy, the environment, the container for people to come
Speaker 1: into you, come into your life and treat you well.
Speaker 1: You deserve to be treated well. But I really want
Speaker 1: to encourage you to recognize that you said the word closure.
Speaker 1: So after a year, your ex called you and apologized,
Speaker 1: and you can receive that. Let it be that. Let
Speaker 1: it be that because the broken, wounded, lonely, persecuted part
Speaker 1: of you will entertain going back to that because it's familiar.
Speaker 1: It's just another foster home, and you know that your
Speaker 1: time in a foster home is limited. You know that,
Speaker 1: right right? Get you together first, and then if you
Speaker 1: want to consider going back to him, you'll be different.
Speaker 1: No matter what he's done or hasn't done, you'll be different.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you know now that you didn't know
Speaker 1: when you called. Tell me something you know now.
Speaker 4: It's got beating myself up to give myself some credit. Yeah,
Speaker 4: that was closure. And don't fall for that trick like that.
Speaker 4: That's what it is. It is a trick and a
Speaker 4: trick to me to fall back and to fall victims
Speaker 4: of it. And I shouldn't. I'm not. It's like I can't.
Speaker 1: I choose not to. That's what I choose not to. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: choice is power. Choices power. Yeah. I love that you
Speaker 1: said give myself some credit. I love that. That's really good. Yes.
Speaker 1: I also encourage you to know that a permanent loving home,
Speaker 1: permanent loving relationship is a possibility where you can get
Speaker 1: what you want and you can be who you are
Speaker 1: and you won't be misunderstood or persecuted. That's possible when
Speaker 1: you are vibrating there, when you are believing that, when
Speaker 1: you are holding that, it'll come to you. Your relationship
Speaker 1: is difficult because you're human and as humans, we're crazy
Speaker 1: as hell. We're crazy as hell. And you want to
Speaker 1: uplevel your frequency so that you can attract what you want.
Speaker 1: How about that? Yes, all right, so we're going to
Speaker 1: get your frequency up leveled. Okay, thank you for Colin,
Speaker 1: have a great, great day, alrighty b bye. The human
Speaker 1: mind has a negativity bias. It just does all humans.
Speaker 1: We will remember the negative quicker than we can assess
Speaker 1: and stand in the positive, and as a result of that,
Speaker 1: we will attract and create an energetic frequency that attracts
Speaker 1: more of what we say we don't want. Whenever you
Speaker 1: are leaning into the familiar, whenever you are leaning into
Speaker 1: what you already know and defying, defying yourself. You had
Speaker 1: it for trouble. You had it for trouble. And it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, or black or white,
Speaker 1: or rich or poor. If you're human, you're crazy, just
Speaker 1: like me. Let's see our spot for today. Thank you
Speaker 1: for tuning in. In the meantime, stay in peace and
Speaker 1: not pieces. I'll see you next time. Bye. The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.