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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher

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Speaker 1: for salm and a soft place to fall for others.

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Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until

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Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my

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Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a

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Speaker 1: production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio Grand Rising.

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Speaker 1: And Welcome to the R Spot, that place where we

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Speaker 1: look into, dig into, investigate relationships, all things relationships. I

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Speaker 1: am Yamla, your guide, your host, your support, the facilitator

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Speaker 1: of consciousness that will support us all in creating more fulfilling,

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Speaker 1: loving relationships in every area of our life. Well, I'm

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Speaker 1: going out on a limb today. I'm calling forth and

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Speaker 1: talking to the men. Although I know men always listen

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Speaker 1: to the R Spot. I know because when I see

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Speaker 1: them in the Walmart they tell me. But today I'm

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Speaker 1: calling them forward and asking them to talk about something

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Speaker 1: that I think may be a little challenging, difficult, uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: for them. And that's how do men deal with heartache? Heartbreak?

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Speaker 1: How do men deal with cheating? You know, women, we

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Speaker 1: talk about it all the time. He did this, He

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Speaker 1: did that. The woman call me I called her, The

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Speaker 1: man called me. I called him. But how does the

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Speaker 1: average man deal with heartbreak? Heartache? Betrayal that we call cheating?

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Speaker 1: As women, when we feel that our partner, our loved one,

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Speaker 1: has stepped out on us, we will cry, we will cuss,

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Speaker 1: we will shop, we will do a major investigation. Have

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Speaker 1: you ever done a major investigation just to prove what

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Speaker 1: you already know is true? You know, following the car,

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Speaker 1: digging in the phone, checking the emails. Women will do that.

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Speaker 1: Do men do that? Women will call their girlfriends and

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Speaker 1: talk bad about him? Do guys call their friends and

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Speaker 1: talk bad about her? We will eat and eat, and eat,

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Speaker 1: sometimes drink or smoke, engage in happy flowers, will do

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Speaker 1: whatever is required to numb the pain, to dull the hurt.

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Speaker 1: But today I want to know what men do. What

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Speaker 1: do you do when you discover that the person you're

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Speaker 1: with is cheating, is betraying your trust? What do you do?

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Speaker 1: Does it hurt you? Does it send you shopping? So

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Speaker 1: today we are gonna talk to the men. I want

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Speaker 1: to know how they deal with heartache, heartbreak. I want

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Speaker 1: to know what they're learning. I want to know if

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Speaker 1: they know that they're learning. I want to know so

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Speaker 1: that as women we get to hear it and have

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Speaker 1: another consideration, because sometimes I think women don't think that

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Speaker 1: men feel. We're gonna find out different. Today, here's my

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Speaker 1: first caller. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. Today,

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about how men deal with heartache, heartbreak,

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Speaker 1: betrayal when they find out that the one they love

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Speaker 1: is stepping out on them. So what do you bringing

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Speaker 1: to the table today.

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Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, thank you. It's a blessing to be have

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Speaker 2: this opportunity to speak with you. Well, I've been dating

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Speaker 2: a sister for about a year, a little over a year,

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Speaker 2: and we've been known each other for about one and

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Speaker 2: a half three years, even contemplated marriage. Everything going pretty

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Speaker 2: good except for about the last four months. Been a

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Speaker 2: lot of agitation, a lot of tense energy coming from her.

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Speaker 2: Things of that nature. Now, she does have a past

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Speaker 2: far as trauma, things of that nature. She talked about

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Speaker 2: things growing up in her childhood. She didn't grow up

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Speaker 2: with a mother, She grew up with a great aunty.

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Speaker 2: She became a widow. I think after about four or

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Speaker 2: five years, maybe about six years of marriage, she became

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Speaker 2: a widow. Her husband was boundly killed. Then she got

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Speaker 2: in a couple more relationships, had two more children by

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Speaker 2: two different men who cheated on her and did all

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Speaker 2: kinds of things. And it's been times where the tension

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Speaker 2: would come up and I'd be like, you need to

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Speaker 2: talk to me, communicate, and she will be like, no,

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Speaker 2: I'll fix it myself. You're not here to fix me,

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Speaker 2: you know. So I make a long story short, everything's

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Speaker 2: going good. So probably about four months ago and miss

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Speaker 2: tension started right And then I noticed a pattern. She

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Speaker 2: would go out with a friends, or she might have

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Speaker 2: an event, and it always would be a Saturday, and

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Speaker 2: I would hear from her maybe four or five o'clock

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Speaker 2: in the afternoon, and then maybe right before she goes out,

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Speaker 2: you know, maybe eight or nine, and then I wann't

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Speaker 2: hear from her no more that night until the next morning.

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Speaker 2: Now she has keys to my loss, not come home.

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Speaker 2: So her excuse would be was that she got a

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Speaker 2: little tipsy, she just went home with a friend. I

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Speaker 2: would brush it off, you know. Then one incident, we

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Speaker 2: were in my car and when you do plug your

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Speaker 2: phone up to my car, which is after play text messages,

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Speaker 2: and seems like that will pop up on the screen.

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Speaker 2: So she had one text message from a guy name

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Speaker 2: Chocolate Jack.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, Chocolate Lumberjack.

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Speaker 2: Yes, so I asked, I was like, who is Chocolate Lumberjack.

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Speaker 2: She wouldn't tell me none of my business because it's

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Speaker 2: not because she said, that's her phone, not my phone.

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, this doesn't make sense. How can you

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Speaker 2: contemplate someone about marriage but you don't want to, you know.

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Speaker 2: So anyway, that went on for about two three days.

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Speaker 2: Then she finally said that my co parents, that's my

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Speaker 2: baby daddy or whatnot. And it just still didn't sit right.

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Speaker 2: And like I say, I've been knowing her for about

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Speaker 2: two and a half maybe three years, but I've never

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Speaker 2: set foot in her house. What never?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And that threw me off. And I mean, I

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Speaker 3: don't know. Maybe I'm just I'm I'm forty seven years old,

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Speaker 3: and it's just like, you know, I know uh African

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Speaker 3: American black women, us I'm an afric American black male.

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Speaker 2: I know the flight that we've been through. I know

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Speaker 2: women who have been just toour minute through trauma. But me,

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Speaker 2: trauma explains your behavior, but it doesn't make it an excuse.

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Speaker 2: And she always uses her trauma as an excuse.

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Speaker 1: So you never met her children?

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Speaker 2: Yes, I made her children. Her children have spent the

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Speaker 2: night at my house at my loss. Now I have

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Speaker 2: a one bedroom lost, so they're making pallets on the floor.

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Speaker 2: It's times I travel. I travel, and with my occupation,

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Speaker 2: she has access to my part to my loss, and

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Speaker 2: she will actually spend the night here with her children,

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Speaker 2: won't even stay at her house. I know your episode,

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Speaker 2: you know, is about men who she is on and

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Speaker 2: trying to recover. But I'm in a state to where

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I still I haven't caught her in the act,

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Speaker 2: but things are just not adding up. Then again, I

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Speaker 2: don't know. Maybe she's schizophrenic, bipolar, I don't know. But

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Speaker 2: to me, I feel bad if I just cut her off.

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Speaker 2: But at the same time people telling me like it

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Speaker 2: doesn't add up.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's stop here for a moment. I want you

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Speaker 1: to just take a breath. I take a breath. You know,

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Speaker 1: there's an ancient African proverb that says he who knows

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Speaker 1: does not die like he who does not know. So

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Speaker 1: I want to ask you, beloved, this is a hard one.

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Speaker 1: This is a pearl for clutching is this woman betraying

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Speaker 1: your trust?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Yes, okay, and you want to marry her?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 1: No, okay, so you're acting like you don't know that

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Speaker 1: you don't want to marry her.

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Speaker 2: But this came about such as Saturday, so it's I mean,

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Speaker 2: to a bend. I was, but now it's kind of

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Speaker 2: like the straw that broke the cameras back. Now it's like, no,

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Speaker 2: I've even stressed it to her, like we cannot move on,

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Speaker 2: but she's like, I'm projected, I'm making a bad decision.

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Speaker 2: She's the best thing. You know, this and that, Oh.

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Speaker 1: Well yeah, that's the same thing. That's the same thing

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Speaker 1: fried food will say to you. I'm good, I taste good,

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Speaker 1: I look good. It's not gonna tell you that it's

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Speaker 1: clogging up your heart arteries. If you could talk to

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Speaker 1: a pizza fried chicken, it's not gonna tell you I'm

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Speaker 1: making your arteries hard and getting ready to kill you. Right,

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Speaker 1: So let me let me ask you this. First of all,

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Speaker 1: thank you for your honesty. And I'm sure this can't

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Speaker 1: be easy for you, but I want to work it

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Speaker 1: down so that you don't die like you don't know. Okay,

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Speaker 1: and die doesn't mean in your life. It means in

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Speaker 1: this relationship, it means, you know, diminish your self worth.

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Speaker 1: It means diminish your dignity, your pride. That's what I

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Speaker 1: mean when I say die. So if you know the

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Speaker 1: truth and you can make a conscious, powerful choice based

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Speaker 1: on what you know, oh and you trust yourself, then

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Speaker 1: you won't end up getting beat up, beat down and crazy.

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Speaker 1: There's a lesson here. We'll get to that in a minute.

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Speaker 1: Let me ask you this. Have you ever been cheated

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Speaker 1: on before? Yes, oh you have been. Okay, so it

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Speaker 1: might be a little hard for you to say, I

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Speaker 1: cannot believe this is going on again, right right?

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Speaker 2: And then, like I say, the previous time, well it

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Speaker 2: was not caught in the act, but you know, through takes,

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Speaker 2: messages and through another second source and then it finally

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Speaker 2: came out and see here is just it's like in

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Speaker 2: my mind. And then she just tell me I'm projecting.

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Speaker 2: That's your insecure you know, you know, things of that nature.

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Speaker 2: And like I say, she will say that she didn't

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Speaker 2: answer the phone because she would, you know, either incomplicated

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Speaker 2: sleep or she she just wanted some time for her.

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Speaker 1: That's a lie. That's a lie. Stop it. Don't you

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Speaker 1: know those are lies?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so stop acting like you don't know.

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Speaker 2: That, right. I concept that. But my thing is I

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Speaker 2: hate being in limbo when she's trying to.

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Speaker 1: You're not in limbo. You're in denial. You are not

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Speaker 1: in limbo. Stop it. I'm not going to participate in

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Speaker 1: that with you. You are not in limbo. You are

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Speaker 1: in denial. So let's let's dispense of her first and

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Speaker 1: then we'll get to the lesson for you. Okay, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off.

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Speaker 1: First of all, how does this make you feel to

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Speaker 1: know that somebody you considered marrying is betraying your trust,

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Speaker 1: is being dishonest, and is violating your relationship again, your

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Speaker 1: relationship with them. How does that make you feel?

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Speaker 2: It's it's very crippling.

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Speaker 1: What does that mean as far.

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Speaker 2: As emotionally it makes m I'm I'm I'm an electrical

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Speaker 2: contracted by trade, I do community service, I have a

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Speaker 2: youth mentorship group, and I'm also a full time student.

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Speaker 2: And it is so emotionally that it drains me from

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Speaker 2: being able to what I say. The past couple of

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Speaker 2: days because since the last incident, which was Saturday till

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Speaker 2: Sunday morning, it's just I cannot function because I'm constantly

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Speaker 2: thinking about what did I do wrong?

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 2: Am I wrong? So it's just this this conundrum going

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Speaker 2: on in my head where I cannot figure out what

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Speaker 2: is going on. I can't perform as far as schoolwork.

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Speaker 1: Tell me, why? Why is this crippling you? Because even

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Speaker 1: if she's not cheating, even if she's not cheating, there

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Speaker 1: are so many red flags that you are justifying. The

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Speaker 1: issue is not what she's doing, beloved. The issue is

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Speaker 1: what you're doing to yourself. Even if she's not cheating,

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Speaker 1: you don't trust her. You know she lies. She's telling

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Speaker 1: you it's none of your business. Oh no, you've never

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Speaker 1: been to her house. How are you justifying never going

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Speaker 1: to her house, never sitting down at her kitchen table

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Speaker 1: and having a meal, never sleeping in her bed. How

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Speaker 1: do you justify this? This isn't about what she's doing,

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Speaker 1: It's about what you're doing. And my question is why

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Speaker 1: why are you doing this to yourself?

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Speaker 4: I guess far as.

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Speaker 2: It's being at forty seven, you know you you want.

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Speaker 1: Somebody I don't want to fail again. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to fail again. Does that land for you?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, take a breath, Take a breath. I could be

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Speaker 1: totally wrong, totally wrong. Please hear me. I don't have

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Speaker 1: no investment in being right here, but I really sense

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Speaker 1: two things going on. That you want it so bad

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Speaker 1: you're willing to accommodate anything to get it. You want

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Speaker 1: somebody so bad that you're willing to accommodate anything to

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Speaker 1: get it. And in doing that, you diminish yourself. You

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Speaker 1: diminish your worth, you diminish your dignity, you diminish your

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Speaker 1: self respect. And then when you do that, you attract

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Speaker 1: people who will support you in diminishing your value, diminishing

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Speaker 1: your worth, diminishing your dignity, and diminishing your self respect. Yes,

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Speaker 1: what are we gonna do with mischeat to cheata punkin eater?

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Speaker 1: What we're gonna do with her? Let's get her out

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Speaker 1: the way? Did you get your keys back?

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Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so good, you've denied her access.

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Speaker 2: Well, I've actually you know, made up in my mind,

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Speaker 2: and then with this conversation is totally reassured me that

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Speaker 2: we're not compatible.

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Speaker 1: Period. That's it don't add nothing else to it. We

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Speaker 1: are not compatible. She is not who I want. I

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Speaker 1: want a woman who's honest, who speaks the truth. I

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Speaker 1: want a woman who has at least some of her

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Speaker 1: issues handled. I want a woman that's willing to let

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Speaker 1: me into her life. This woman won't even let me

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Speaker 1: into her home. We are not compatible. That's it. Don't

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Speaker 1: go any further with the story, because you have a

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Speaker 1: tendency to accommodate and excuse and rationalize people's bad behavior,

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Speaker 1: probably based on what you saw your parents do and

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Speaker 1: what you made up about it. We're not compatible, period. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: block her number, block it, and not only not only

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Speaker 1: take get your key from her. Change the lock, baby,

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Speaker 1: Don't act like you don't know this woman can't be trusted.

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Speaker 1: Change the lock. I'm serious about that, because you don't

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Speaker 1: know if she has another key, and whether she's cheating

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Speaker 1: or not cheating, whether the lumberjack is laying logs or whatever,

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Speaker 1: because that's what lumberjacks do exactly, they lay logs. And

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Speaker 1: so you all are not compatible, period. Doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: there's not a woman out there for you. She's not it, right,

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Speaker 1: and I really want to support you and not diminishing

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Speaker 1: yourself as a man by accommodating that. Simply because you

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Speaker 1: want somebody, I got somebody for you. I give you

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Speaker 1: a couple of names and numbers good women, good spiritually

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Speaker 1: grounded women, because that right there, right when we clean

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Speaker 1: up some things in there, you will draw to you.

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Speaker 1: Trust me, hear me?

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Speaker 2: Can you hear me, ma'am?

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Speaker 1: There are hundreds of thousands of women out there looking

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Speaker 1: for you. They are I talk to them all the time.

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Speaker 1: Now you can get one from twenty five to fifty two.

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Speaker 1: But you got to clean yourself up. You got to

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Speaker 1: clean yourself up. And this thing of looking at something,

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Speaker 1: looking at something and excusing it, rationalizing it again, no heat,

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Speaker 1: no judgment, no you know, put down probably comes from

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Speaker 1: what you saw going on with your parents. So you

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Speaker 1: got to create a whole new structure, all right. Also,

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Speaker 1: this thought about I don't want to fail again and

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Speaker 1: I can't have what I want. Those two things we

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Speaker 1: gotta kind of whittle those down. I want somebody who

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Speaker 1: treats you well. You want a woman that's going to

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Speaker 1: allow you to be the spiritual leader. You want a

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Speaker 1: woman that's bringing something to the table. And you want

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Speaker 1: to be able to be at the table. I mean

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Speaker 1: a year and you ain't been to this woman's house.

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Speaker 1: That's crazy. You know, she could be living with somebody

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Speaker 1: for you know, but we're not going into that. She's done.

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Speaker 1: Let me hear you say, I'm done with her.

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Speaker 2: I'm done with her?

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Speaker 1: Are you sure?

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Speaker 2: I'm sure?

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Speaker 1: How are you going to communicate to her that you're done?

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Speaker 1: Because it's not just walk away. I want you to

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Speaker 1: have your dignity and be in integrity. I want you

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Speaker 1: to know that you can stand up for yourself and

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Speaker 1: say no. So one, how are you going to communicate

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Speaker 1: to her that you are going to that you're done?

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Speaker 1: This is it? I'm over, I'm done, I'm.

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Speaker 2: Done or I'm tired. I can't take no more or

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Speaker 2: the blatant disrespect. It's the uncertainty, you know, just you know,

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Speaker 2: don't I can't do the randomnession, you know?

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Speaker 1: Can I offer you a more empowering language than I

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Speaker 1: can't take, because that's like she's done something to you.

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Speaker 1: I want you to I really want to support you

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Speaker 1: in standing up for yourself within yourself and simply creating

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Speaker 1: a boundary and saying no so as opposed to I

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Speaker 1: can't take I'm not choosing to be in a relationship

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Speaker 1: with a woman I can't trust a woman who tells

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Speaker 1: me it's none of my business, a woman whose house

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Speaker 1: I've never been to. Just speak your true reality, you know,

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Speaker 1: speak your experience, not I can't take. I'm not choosing

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Speaker 1: that for myself, because choice is power. I'm not choosing

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Speaker 1: this for myself. You got too much going on, and

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Speaker 1: you don't have to save a whole. You know what

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Speaker 1: save a whole is the captain save a hole. I'm

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Speaker 1: coming in to save a hole to that. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: you're not the Indian chief to say, Okay, that's not

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Speaker 1: your job. She got issues, she dealing with them. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: so let her go. And I'm not calling her a

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Speaker 1: whore or demoralizing her. That's just to say, you know,

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Speaker 1: I'm not demoralizing her in any way because she's my

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Speaker 1: sister and she's probably a youngin to me, so I'm

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Speaker 1: respecting her. I'm not talking to her or about her.

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Speaker 1: I'm talking to you. Done done by? When are you

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Speaker 1: going to change your lock?

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Speaker 2: So as I get through it lest I'm going to load.

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Speaker 1: And you haven't failed. You've learned how to stand up

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Speaker 1: for yourself within yourself, create a clear boundary and say.

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Speaker 2: No next, thank you, thank you much, blessing.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for calling beloved. I wish you luck.

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Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, thank you very much.

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Speaker 1: Okay, bye bye. One of the greatest mistakes that we

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Speaker 1: can make in any relationship, loving, intimate relationship, family relationships,

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Speaker 1: friendships is acting like we don't know what we know.

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Speaker 1: We know it, we know it. Certain things come to you.

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Speaker 1: It comes to you as a thought, it comes to

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Speaker 1: you as a feeling. Sometimes life will play the scene

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Speaker 1: out in front of you. But if we don't have

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Speaker 1: the physical evidence, if we don't catch the person with

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Speaker 1: their pants down around their ankles, or if we don't

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Speaker 1: hear it or see it, we act like it doesn't exist. Listen,

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Speaker 1: he who knows does not die like he who does

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Speaker 1: not know. Know what you know. Know what you know,

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Speaker 1: and don't get into the person's psychosocial history about what

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Speaker 1: they gonna do if they tell your truth, whether or

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Speaker 1: not they're gonna agree with you. Know what you know,

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Speaker 1: and make the choice to take a stand for yourself

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Speaker 1: within yourself and create a clear boundary. It's just that simple. Greetings,

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Speaker 1: we love it, and welcome to the art spot. Today

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Speaker 1: we're talking about how men heal betrayal, cheating, being let down.

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Speaker 1: So I want to know what you're bringing to the table.

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Speaker 4: I've been in relationship for six years and I used

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Speaker 4: to internalize when my ex cheated on me.

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Speaker 1: I internalized it for so many reasons, such as.

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Speaker 4: Such as I didn't know if I was doing anything

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Speaker 4: wrong or right. He wasn't vocalizing why he cheated, He

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Speaker 4: wasn't there himself mentally. I kept doing all the works

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Speaker 4: in a relationship, and I know it takes two. But

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Speaker 4: for the for the six years that I was in

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Speaker 4: a relationship, permitted relationships, he cheated so many times that

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Speaker 4: I didn't give up. I had to put my foot down.

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Speaker 1: You mean you created a boundary. You created a boundary

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Speaker 1: and said no, this is unacceptable.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. I internalize it because I thought I was doing

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Speaker 4: a lot of I thought I wasn't meeting him where

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Speaker 4: he was that and overextending myself making sure he was

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Speaker 4: okay like I was. His father wasn't like you know,

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Speaker 4: as a little as a child, I would grow up

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Speaker 4: in foster care. It's like those protective factors from myself,

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Speaker 4: I kicked them at a young age so I'm always

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Speaker 4: the caring type of person, but it's like I've never

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Speaker 4: had that received, like reciprocated. So I'm doing all of

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Speaker 4: the nurturing. We're not needed the nurturing as well, you know,

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Speaker 4: I need to reciprocate it, like it's a two way street.

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Speaker 1: If I'm hearing you, in your six years of relationship

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Speaker 1: with this person, there were multiple betrayals of your trust.

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Speaker 4: Yes, yes, that's actually because.

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Speaker 1: Cheating isn't just about the sex or sleeping with somebody.

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Speaker 1: It's being careless with someone's heart. Yeah, that's really the

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Speaker 1: core of cheating. It's dishonoring or violating an agreement or

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Speaker 1: a commitment. Okay, so he wanted an open relationship. Is

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Speaker 1: that what I'm hearing you say.

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Speaker 4: In a sense, But he couldn't vocalize.

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Speaker 1: That, but you got the impression. Is that what you wanted?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 1: Okay, so he wanted something you didn't want, so you want?

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Speaker 1: You said, why he cheated because he wanted something that

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Speaker 1: you didn't want. He wanted more partners than just you,

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Speaker 1: and that's not what you wanted, right, So you answered

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Speaker 1: that question, why did he cheat? Because you and him

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Speaker 1: don't want the same thing? How about that. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: mean that's simple.

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Speaker 4: I internalized that. I'm like, why am I good enough

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Speaker 4: for somebody? Well? Him, he's known it for so long,

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Speaker 4: and it was just like, you know, you were in

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Speaker 4: a committed relationship, but clearly he cheated like too many

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Speaker 4: times when I internalized it. So with that, I feel like,

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Speaker 4: that's all I knew.

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Speaker 1: But you were repeating your history of growing up in

401
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:07,480
Speaker 1: foster care, where you could be left that any minute,

402
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,480
Speaker 1: moved at any minute, taken away from what you knew

403
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,640
Speaker 1: at any minute when you didn't know you could trust

404
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:18,000
Speaker 1: where you were. You were simply repeating your history because

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Speaker 1: probably what you wanted was a stable, permanent home, and

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Speaker 1: you didn't get that, so you may have a belief

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Speaker 1: that you can't have it. So in your relationship, you

408
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 1: may have been recreating what you knew. Then we'll talk

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Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the

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Speaker 1: R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Now, where

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Speaker 1: is the relationship now? You and he?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, the relation here right now. He reached out the

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00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,719
Speaker 4: other day and we started talking and he apologized, and

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Speaker 4: I you know what I wanted that closure. We were

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00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 4: broken up for about a whole entire year. I was

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00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:07,880
Speaker 4: okay with that.

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Speaker 1: What does that mean? I was okay with that.

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00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:15,480
Speaker 4: I was okay with that because he apologized and it

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00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:20,600
Speaker 4: seemed like within a whole year he was to change.

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Speaker 4: Just but it's only been one day.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's a trick. It's a trick, and the

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00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,040
Speaker 1: trick is not on him. The trick is on you.

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00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:34,119
Speaker 1: The trick is whether or not you are going to

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Speaker 1: continue in a relationship who wants something different than what

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00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 1: you want. If you were going to continue, this is

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Speaker 1: another foster home, baby, He's just another foster home and

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00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:51,399
Speaker 1: you've been in that foster home before, so you're going

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Speaker 1: to go back.

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Speaker 4: It's a hard decision because she's all I know right now.

430
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,399
Speaker 1: I hear you, I would be interested to know. You

431
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:04,119
Speaker 1: say you're internalizing. What does that feel like? What are

432
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:05,400
Speaker 1: you feeling right now?

433
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:12,879
Speaker 4: I feel alone that nobody understands me, you know, I know,

434
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,159
Speaker 4: it's just like alone to a point where I'm in

435
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:20,800
Speaker 4: a house and if I go outside and people are

436
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 4: just random people are trying to talk to me, I

437
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 4: feel like, oh, they're against me, Like you know, like

438
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,119
Speaker 4: people can smile and it will make me smile, But

439
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,800
Speaker 4: what comes with that smile from that person, Why do

440
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,639
Speaker 4: they smile at me? It's just like, I don't even

441
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,240
Speaker 4: know these people from a can't paint, so with me,

442
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,680
Speaker 4: internalizing what other people do is like making me sant

443
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:39,760
Speaker 4: offiicient of sense.

444
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 1: And that's that's so common to people with your history,

445
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,159
Speaker 1: people who've been passed around in foster homes and who've

446
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 1: been left by their parents. That's that's common. That's natural.

447
00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:58,160
Speaker 1: So don't make it something that you you know that's

448
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 1: specific to you or personality you. That's a common human response.

449
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:07,560
Speaker 1: I get that, and I also hear that that is

450
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,640
Speaker 1: one of the reasons that you would consider being back

451
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:15,600
Speaker 1: in relationship with the person who wants something different than

452
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 1: you do, the person who has betrayed your trust, the

453
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:22,639
Speaker 1: person that's been careless with your heart. But you're going

454
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,280
Speaker 1: back into that. You're willing to go back into that

455
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:30,960
Speaker 1: because it's familiar at least you know it. But here's

456
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 1: the danger of it. If you don't know what's going

457
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:37,479
Speaker 1: to be different this time, and you go back into

458
00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 1: it and the same thing happens again, you're going to

459
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:46,840
Speaker 1: beat yourself mercilessly, mercilessly because some part of you knows

460
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:50,080
Speaker 1: better telling you it's a trick, not even a trick,

461
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:54,080
Speaker 1: it's a test, and it doesn't have anything to do

462
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 1: with him. Yourself, your higher self, your true self, is saying,

463
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,080
Speaker 1: are you you willing to do it different? Don't go

464
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 1: to what's familiar, be willing to be with yourself until

465
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:11,080
Speaker 1: you can clean up the stuff. That's what Jahiah self

466
00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: is saying to you. And I hear you. I hear

467
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:19,280
Speaker 1: you asking for support, for help, for a safe place

468
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,560
Speaker 1: to fall, that you can work this through. So even

469
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 1: if you want to go back to him, you want

470
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: to go back to him different. I heard you say

471
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:33,200
Speaker 1: he's different, But are you different? Are you different? Are

472
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 1: you are? Do you have clear boundaries? Are you going

473
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 1: to say no? Are you going to respond differently? So

474
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:46,000
Speaker 1: it's not about him now, it's about you. You deserve

475
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:50,000
Speaker 1: to be heard, You deserve to be supported, You deserve

476
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:53,760
Speaker 1: to be loved. You deserve that. But in order for

477
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 1: that to happen, you have to say no to the

478
00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 1: things that aren't loving, aren't kind, aren't respectful, aren't honorable.

479
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 1: It's not about what the other person does, beloved, It's

480
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 1: about what you do. Because only you can create the vibration,

481
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 1: the energy, the environment, the container for people to come

482
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: into you, come into your life and treat you well.

483
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:23,200
Speaker 1: You deserve to be treated well. But I really want

484
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:29,800
Speaker 1: to encourage you to recognize that you said the word closure.

485
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:35,680
Speaker 1: So after a year, your ex called you and apologized,

486
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: and you can receive that. Let it be that. Let

487
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: it be that because the broken, wounded, lonely, persecuted part

488
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 1: of you will entertain going back to that because it's familiar.

489
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,320
Speaker 1: It's just another foster home, and you know that your

490
00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 1: time in a foster home is limited. You know that,

491
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:04,360
Speaker 1: right right? Get you together first, and then if you

492
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,600
Speaker 1: want to consider going back to him, you'll be different.

493
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:11,040
Speaker 1: No matter what he's done or hasn't done, you'll be different.

494
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 1: Tell me what you know now that you didn't know

495
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,640
Speaker 1: when you called. Tell me something you know now.

496
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:23,720
Speaker 4: It's got beating myself up to give myself some credit. Yeah,

497
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 4: that was closure. And don't fall for that trick like that.

498
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:36,600
Speaker 4: That's what it is. It is a trick and a

499
00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 4: trick to me to fall back and to fall victims

500
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:44,600
Speaker 4: of it. And I shouldn't. I'm not. It's like I can't.

501
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:49,440
Speaker 1: I choose not to. That's what I choose not to. Yeah. Yeah,

502
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:54,200
Speaker 1: choice is power. Choices power. Yeah. I love that you

503
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 1: said give myself some credit. I love that. That's really good. Yes.

504
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:04,600
Speaker 1: I also encourage you to know that a permanent loving home,

505
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:11,240
Speaker 1: permanent loving relationship is a possibility where you can get

506
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,080
Speaker 1: what you want and you can be who you are

507
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:20,880
Speaker 1: and you won't be misunderstood or persecuted. That's possible when

508
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:25,280
Speaker 1: you are vibrating there, when you are believing that, when

509
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 1: you are holding that, it'll come to you. Your relationship

510
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,680
Speaker 1: is difficult because you're human and as humans, we're crazy

511
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 1: as hell. We're crazy as hell. And you want to

512
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:45,680
Speaker 1: uplevel your frequency so that you can attract what you want.

513
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:48,760
Speaker 1: How about that? Yes, all right, so we're going to

514
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:52,640
Speaker 1: get your frequency up leveled. Okay, thank you for Colin,

515
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 1: have a great, great day, alrighty b bye. The human

516
00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:05,880
Speaker 1: mind has a negativity bias. It just does all humans.

517
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 1: We will remember the negative quicker than we can assess

518
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: and stand in the positive, and as a result of that,

519
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 1: we will attract and create an energetic frequency that attracts

520
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:25,719
Speaker 1: more of what we say we don't want. Whenever you

521
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:29,800
Speaker 1: are leaning into the familiar, whenever you are leaning into

522
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:34,960
Speaker 1: what you already know and defying, defying yourself. You had

523
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: it for trouble. You had it for trouble. And it

524
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, or black or white,

525
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:48,200
Speaker 1: or rich or poor. If you're human, you're crazy, just

526
00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:52,320
Speaker 1: like me. Let's see our spot for today. Thank you

527
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:56,600
Speaker 1: for tuning in. In the meantime, stay in peace and

528
00:33:56,680 --> 00:34:04,120
Speaker 1: not pieces. I'll see you next time. Bye. The R

529
00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

530
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

531
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:18,800
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.