1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:13,920 Speaker 1: Kay, Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,799 Speaker 1: weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the 3 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: small decisions we can make to become the best possible 4 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:26,480 Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, 5 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:31,920 Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 6 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,400 Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 7 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:39,160 Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope 8 00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:43,040 Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it 9 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,239 Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much 11 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,040 Speaker 1: for joining me for session of the Therapy for of 12 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:03,200 Speaker 1: Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right into the episode after 13 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:16,280 Speaker 1: a word from our sponsors. Lots of things have changed 14 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,319 Speaker 1: during the pandemic, and our sex and dating lives are 15 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 1: no different. To chat with us about some of the 16 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:26,280 Speaker 1: changes she's seen, it is Sexologists Shamira Howard. Shamira is 17 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice serving 18 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: Beaton Rouge, Louisiana and surrounding areas. She specializes in sexuality 19 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: and relationships and works with a variety of clients, including 20 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 1: those battling depression, anxiety, pregnancy, parenting, peer relationships, and those 21 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,920 Speaker 1: in the lgbt Q plus community. She's also the best 22 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 1: selling author and creatress of the Use your Mouth Sex 23 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:53,920 Speaker 1: and Relationship conversation starter cards and the book Use your 24 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: Mouth Pocket Size Conversations to Simply Increase seven types of 25 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 1: intimacy in and out of the bedroom. Shamarra and I 26 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: chatted about how our sex lives have changed during the pandemic, 27 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 1: ways to sustain or improve intimacy as our schedules change, 28 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,919 Speaker 1: tips for transitioning from online dating to in real life, 29 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 1: and tips for increasing sexual confidence. Shamira will also be 30 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 1: joining us along with Dr Lex Brown James this Friday 31 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 1: night at seven pm Eastern for our sex Positive September 32 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 1: celebration to chat all about getting the pleasure you desire. 33 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 1: So if you'd like to join us for a little 34 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: girl's night in, grab your ticket at sex Positive September 35 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:37,919 Speaker 1: dot com. Here's our conversation social Maira. I would love 36 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:41,240 Speaker 1: for you to just start by telling us how you 37 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,840 Speaker 1: have seen like our sex lives and dating lives be 38 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 1: impacted throughout the pandemic. I'm sure that's a huge question, 39 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 1: but what are some of the high level things that 40 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,240 Speaker 1: you've seen changed during this time, So that is a 41 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: huge question. But there's also and not so huge respond 42 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,360 Speaker 1: to that, And it might be huge because for us 43 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:03,160 Speaker 1: professional who are in the office seeing clients, we were 44 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 1: like calling each other emailing and we went into this 45 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:10,000 Speaker 1: thinking that, and a lot of articles were even saying 46 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:14,840 Speaker 1: people's relationships and sex lines we're gonna tank with this pandemic. 47 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 1: And this was early lockdown. We were seeing articles that 48 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 1: divorce inquiries had risen up to fift in the second 49 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,959 Speaker 1: month of the lockdown. So we were like, Okay, we're 50 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,799 Speaker 1: bracing ourselves for our clients, but I'll tell you two things. One, 51 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 1: people didn't know what to do, so we're talking about 52 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 1: early COVID during the first lockdowns. It's interesting that we 53 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: referred to it as early COVID. Right, people had what 54 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: we call COVID anxiety, so they didn't know basically how 55 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: to feel about this. A lot of people were scared, 56 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 1: a lot of people were experienced and death anxiety, and 57 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: so as a result, we did see a fluctuation with 58 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 1: their sexual relationships, not that much. Some people wanted more 59 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,120 Speaker 1: sex and people wanted less sex, and some people sex 60 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:02,600 Speaker 1: didn't change. So that was very interesting for us. And 61 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: then about a year later, the Kinzie Institute and Dr 62 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,960 Speaker 1: Justin le Miller did this pandemic research study about people's 63 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:15,600 Speaker 1: sexual behaviors during the pandemic, and it was amazing because 64 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: it found that people didn't decrease or increase their sexual 65 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,400 Speaker 1: behavior and activity with their partners. But what happened was 66 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 1: they started experiencing more sexual diversity. Yes, and basically they 67 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 1: started incorporating toys into their sex. They started people started 68 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: watching porn for more eroticism. Now for education, because we 69 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:47,720 Speaker 1: don't do that for education, but people's sexual diversity increased, 70 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 1: so they started becoming way more sexually explorative. And we 71 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:56,039 Speaker 1: didn't expect that at all, but we were so happy 72 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,520 Speaker 1: about it because all of the stuff that we teach 73 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,719 Speaker 1: in sessions, people's started doing that stuff, Like they started 74 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: talking about sex more. People became way more sexually diverse. 75 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: They didn't just focus on the same genital to genital contact. 76 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: It's probably because we were so locked down. It was like, Okay, 77 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:17,279 Speaker 1: we gotta add a little spice to this. M Yeah, 78 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: so you know that it's interesting. I'm glad you shared 79 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 1: like your thoughts about like why that might have happened, 80 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,479 Speaker 1: and you're right. I remember, like very early on, you know, 81 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,720 Speaker 1: we were getting reports from like how the divorce rates 82 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,400 Speaker 1: had increased in China, and so people were speculating like, Okay, 83 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:31,840 Speaker 1: we're going to see the same thing here in the 84 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,159 Speaker 1: US as a pandemic progressive. But it sounds like it 85 00:05:35,279 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: actually was not the case that we have not seen 86 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: and especially it has not impacted people's sex lives. It 87 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: hasn't impacted people's sexual lives. There were still reports of 88 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:48,799 Speaker 1: people all wanting to separate, and there were still relationship injuries. 89 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,440 Speaker 1: Pandemic are not people were going to experience relationship injuries. 90 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 1: It's the nature of relationships, is what we know about relationships. 91 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: What the pandemic did was it barked couples closer together 92 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,000 Speaker 1: and they had ever been before. A lot of people 93 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,760 Speaker 1: don't see each other until they come home from work. 94 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: It's down for dinner, it's down to the show where 95 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 1: bab They might have sex, they might not. So what 96 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:14,360 Speaker 1: we saw was this extra time that couples were forced 97 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,640 Speaker 1: to be with each other. It brought out a lot, 98 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 1: brought out a lot and rout out some insecurities, brought 99 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,599 Speaker 1: out some comfort, some discomforts and brought out space to explore. 100 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,320 Speaker 1: I saw that in my office. Mm hmmm. So you 101 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,880 Speaker 1: mentioned this other study that you also found had interesting results. 102 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:32,920 Speaker 1: Can you say more about the other study. Oh? Absolutely, 103 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: it's another KINDSI Institute study. And this one was in 104 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 1: partnership with the company, the sexual wellness company love Honey, 105 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,760 Speaker 1: and so this was the Summer of Love survey. And 106 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,200 Speaker 1: so this summer they conducted this Summer a Love of 107 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:51,799 Speaker 1: Love survey And this one was a bit less shocking 108 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,719 Speaker 1: for me, but it was still interesting and that they 109 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:59,479 Speaker 1: found that over fifty percent of people overall, it shows 110 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 1: that the pandemic wonders for their relationship in their sex life. 111 00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 1: We went into this not thinking that people who are 112 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: going through fair very well. They started doing this research, 113 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: over of people said that they are more invested in 114 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: their relationship, they feel more committed to each other, They're 115 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 1: more satisfied with their partner. They say that their partner 116 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:26,360 Speaker 1: meets their sexual needs now more than before. And that 117 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,440 Speaker 1: just blew me away. It was so interesting. In fifty 118 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 1: one percent of people feel more passionate. So out of 119 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 1: all of these results, over fifty of people say that 120 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 1: their relationships and their sexual relationships improved and are better 121 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,760 Speaker 1: than before. How interesting is that? That is really interesting 122 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,560 Speaker 1: to Mary? And I wonder if you can help us 123 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,000 Speaker 1: make sense of like why that may have been the case, 124 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,560 Speaker 1: because there has also been like so much anxiety, so 125 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 1: much stress, so much exhaustion, you know, relationship both the 126 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:01,480 Speaker 1: pandemic but also politics and racial injuices, like there have 127 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: been so many other things going on. But it sounds like, 128 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: I mean, now we know sex is a coping tool, right, 129 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: you know, so it could be people throw themselves into 130 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: things that make him feel good. But are there other 131 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,000 Speaker 1: things that you think have happened that allowed people's sex 132 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,320 Speaker 1: lives to kind of flourish in spite of all these 133 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 1: other stressors. Absolutely, and I'm glad you asked that question 134 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 1: because that's what most people want to know, like, well, 135 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: what did they do? Because that's not the case for 136 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 1: me over here. But what the read, what the study 137 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:35,880 Speaker 1: showed is that again the pandemic forced people to communicate more. 138 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: And so that's basically what the results were is that 139 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 1: it provided more opportunities for couples too, as I say, 140 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,959 Speaker 1: use your mouth, It provided more opportunities for couples to 141 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:49,240 Speaker 1: talk and have the sexual communication, and like you mentioned 142 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:52,960 Speaker 1: about politics, they were able to have these discussions. Again, 143 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 1: what we didn't see pre pandemic is couples just haven't 144 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 1: conversations about sex and about their relationship on a regular basis. Usually, 145 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,600 Speaker 1: couple start talking about their relationship and sex when things 146 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 1: are going bad for them, when there's an issue. During 147 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 1: this time, couples started talking about their relationships and they 148 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 1: started talking about sex just because it was Tuesday at 149 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:25,960 Speaker 1: three two pm. And what we know about sexual communication 150 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,480 Speaker 1: is the more you talk about sex, the better your 151 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: sexual relationship improves, and a better your overall relationship improves 152 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,959 Speaker 1: in and out of the bedroom because you're not just 153 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: bringing grievances to your partner, you're actually talking about your desires, 154 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: your wants, your likes. That research support my usual mouth 155 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,319 Speaker 1: card sales because people started buying the cards more and 156 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 1: they were like, oh my god, I didn't notice about myself. 157 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 1: I asked my partner this question, and they asked me 158 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,559 Speaker 1: this question, and we found out so much more and 159 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,679 Speaker 1: people are having way better and more satisfying relationships as 160 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,480 Speaker 1: a result of using their mouths. Mm hmmm. So you 161 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:07,800 Speaker 1: already mentioned you know some people might be listening and saying, well, 162 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 1: that was not the case for my relationship, right, like, 163 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 1: I feel like we actually fell apart during the pandemic. 164 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,679 Speaker 1: What kinds of suggestions do you have for people who 165 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,120 Speaker 1: you know, maybe feel like, Okay, I've actually not had 166 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,240 Speaker 1: a good experience or my sex life has not the 167 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,880 Speaker 1: great during the pandemic. What kinds of things would you 168 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,480 Speaker 1: say to them? A lot of people's experiences are that 169 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: while we know that over fifty of people, but not 170 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 1: more than fifty nine of people say that their relationships improved, 171 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,839 Speaker 1: they're still a large percentage of people who might not 172 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 1: feel like that. And so one thing that I've noticed 173 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,840 Speaker 1: that's happened for people who report, you know, my sexual 174 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,480 Speaker 1: relationship has tanked, our overall relationship has tanked. I have 175 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,440 Speaker 1: no desire, I don't feel sexually aroused, I don't feel 176 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: close to my partner. I have noticed that these are 177 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 1: the couples and the relationships who have not taken out 178 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,480 Speaker 1: the time to redefine what their relationship looks like in 179 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: our current climate. So there's a lot of information about 180 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,800 Speaker 1: pivoting and what that looks like before, a lot of 181 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,080 Speaker 1: people they don't understand what that means for their own 182 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:16,520 Speaker 1: relationship because they haven't taken the time out to assess 183 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: where their relationship was pre pandemic. They only know what's 184 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,559 Speaker 1: happening right now. So for those of you who are 185 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 1: experiencing burnout in your relationships and you don't feel very 186 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: connected and very close, it's time to redefine what that 187 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,000 Speaker 1: means for you individually, but also what that means for 188 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 1: your partner as well. So you're gonna have to use 189 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,719 Speaker 1: your mouth, you and your partner and talk about what 190 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,480 Speaker 1: type of relationship we want. One of the main things 191 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,240 Speaker 1: that couples need to do is to have goals for 192 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,400 Speaker 1: their relationship because we know that the goal of any 193 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 1: relationship is growth, right, it doesn't matter what type of 194 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:57,480 Speaker 1: relationship you have. It's collective, individual and collective growth for 195 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: the relationship. And if something isn't growing, it's probably not dying. 196 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,840 Speaker 1: So you have to figure out how can we grow 197 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 1: this relationship. What is our share goals and what are 198 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,680 Speaker 1: our individual goals? And you have to get really laser 199 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:15,640 Speaker 1: focused on making a commitment to redefining and growing your relationship. 200 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:20,280 Speaker 1: And sometimes most times you can't do that by yourself. 201 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,719 Speaker 1: People are way too close to their situations to be 202 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:27,040 Speaker 1: able to redefine them on their own. So you have 203 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,920 Speaker 1: to go sit on somebody's couch. Come on over to 204 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,640 Speaker 1: the green couch, but you have to go sit on 205 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: somebody's couch to help you figure out your relationships goal 206 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,679 Speaker 1: and to redefine it. Mm hmm. You know something else 207 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 1: that I was thinking as you were talking. For people 208 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: who have enjoyed like this newfound intimacy or you know, 209 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,160 Speaker 1: newfound closeness that you talked about, I would imagine that 210 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 1: some people are feeling a little anxious as people are 211 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 1: maybe starting to go back to their offices and like, 212 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 1: you know, the pandemic even though it's not over, Like 213 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,959 Speaker 1: schedules are changing now, right, So how can people kind 214 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,199 Speaker 1: of maintain that closeness that maybe they developed during the 215 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: pandemic even while we are required to, you know, attend 216 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: to more things. That is a great point. And also 217 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,760 Speaker 1: kids are going back to school, right, So kids are 218 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: going back to school, a lot of people are transitioning 219 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 1: back to working outside of the house, and things are 220 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,319 Speaker 1: going to change. And so you're like, oh man, we 221 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 1: worked so hard and we did so well during this pandemic, 222 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 1: and we got so close and we feel so connected. 223 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: Now we're about to go back to what it looked 224 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 1: like pre pandemic. But technically you aren't going to go 225 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: back to that because it's still going to be different. 226 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,400 Speaker 1: But what you're gonna have to do, like I said, 227 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: for people who weren't having great experiences, in order to 228 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:42,480 Speaker 1: maintain that connection, you're going to have to center your 229 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,959 Speaker 1: expectations or recenter your expectations. So, you know what, what 230 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 1: do we know about the situation. We know that things 231 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,599 Speaker 1: are about to change, and when things change, we have 232 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 1: to change with them. So it's how am I going 233 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,040 Speaker 1: to change how I show up in the relationship to 234 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:03,680 Speaker 1: continue to meet the need of the relationships sexually, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, 235 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 1: and however else you show up in your relationship. Figure 236 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:12,240 Speaker 1: out how you can meet those needs. But know that 237 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,440 Speaker 1: things are different and you don't have that same time. 238 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,439 Speaker 1: You and your partner are going to have to talk 239 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: about Okay, we're going back to work, and you tell them, listen, 240 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: I'm having some anxiety about us leaving or working outside 241 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: of the house again and not seeing each other. I 242 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:31,520 Speaker 1: really appreciate how much we've grown our relationship throughout the pandemic, 243 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 1: and I'm worried that we're gonna lose some of that. 244 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,760 Speaker 1: What are your suggestions and also come to that conversation 245 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: with your own suggestions on how you could do that. 246 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 1: That might mean that schedule a lunch date once a 247 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:48,000 Speaker 1: week at least, can we still incorporate at least once 248 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,480 Speaker 1: a week working from home if that's an option, But 249 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 1: finding more ways for you to stay connected throughout the 250 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 1: day through text, messaging, email. A lot of people stop 251 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,040 Speaker 1: doing this, but this really works snail mail. Going back 252 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 1: to sending snail mail right your partner won't expect it. 253 00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,040 Speaker 1: Send them a letter either to their job or send 254 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,200 Speaker 1: it to the house telling them how much you missed them. 255 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: Don't forget about dating, because we still have to date. 256 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,840 Speaker 1: Even if you're married, even if you're committed and you've 257 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: been together since a pickle was a nickel, you still 258 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: need to date your partner. So basically, we gotta still 259 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:29,600 Speaker 1: redefine and restructure our relationships with better or different expectations 260 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 1: of what that looks like currently. Mm hmmm, So we 261 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 1: mentioned earlier, you know that's so much energy kind of 262 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,360 Speaker 1: turned online, especially in the beginning of the pandemic. So 263 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:43,120 Speaker 1: we know that lots of people were using mediums like 264 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,560 Speaker 1: only Fans and you know, other kinds of platforms to 265 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,520 Speaker 1: kind of really explore their sexuality. Can you talk a 266 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 1: little bit about how we can do that, you know, 267 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 1: so maybe somebody's interested but don't know where to start, 268 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 1: like how we can use different online mediums to kind 269 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,080 Speaker 1: of explore our sexuality. That's great question. I love that 270 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 1: one because in the current climate, what we're noticing is 271 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 1: that people's interests in casual sex is decreased because of 272 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:14,480 Speaker 1: the COVID anxiety, because of health risks. But I think 273 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 1: we see it picking up a little bit more right 274 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: now with the vaccination and everything. So early one, we 275 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,960 Speaker 1: saw a decrease in people's interests for casual sex. However, 276 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,880 Speaker 1: you can steal produce these sites and not have sex 277 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: with people. This is a way to build up your 278 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,240 Speaker 1: sexual confidence, to build up your sexual self esteem, because 279 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 1: that is the thing as well. So if you're going 280 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 1: on only Fans or if you want to make you 281 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,520 Speaker 1: um offense the account that is a it's a fake 282 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 1: Instagram account that people who are close to you don't know, 283 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 1: but you use it to maybe post yourself in swimsuits, 284 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 1: or to feel more sexually confident, to post more information 285 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 1: about sex, or to gather more information about sex. You 286 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: can do that without interacting with people. You can follow 287 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,160 Speaker 1: other people without saying, hey, let's meet up for sex. 288 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,119 Speaker 1: You can go on only fans and you can post 289 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,560 Speaker 1: your pictures or you can have videos of yourself. But 290 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,520 Speaker 1: you can also cut your head off, you know. That's 291 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 1: one way that we tell people to do it when 292 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,959 Speaker 1: they want to get into it but they don't want 293 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: to be recognized right now. Is to record without your 294 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 1: face in the camera until you feel comfortable enough to 295 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,040 Speaker 1: build up putting your face in the camera. Get your 296 00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:37,760 Speaker 1: cell phone out, record yourself masturbating. Watch that, pay attention 297 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,320 Speaker 1: to what you do, think about things that you would 298 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,680 Speaker 1: like to share with other people about that, Upload that 299 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,480 Speaker 1: to your account if you're so brave enough to do so, 300 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,560 Speaker 1: or keep that in your spank bank, you know, for 301 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,879 Speaker 1: later when you want to go back to it. Take news, 302 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,840 Speaker 1: take pictures of yourself feeling sexy. All of those things 303 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: helped you to build yourself tual, self esteem and your 304 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,560 Speaker 1: sexual confidence, and you can use these sites to help 305 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: you do that as well. You can connect with people 306 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:11,679 Speaker 1: who help you to feel more sexually confident without reading 307 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,479 Speaker 1: up with them. Don't forget we're still in a virtual, 308 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,720 Speaker 1: a semi virtual world, and we can still have these 309 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,239 Speaker 1: types of interactions with people virtually. M h. More from 310 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:34,480 Speaker 1: my conversation with Shamira after the break. You know, I 311 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,680 Speaker 1: wonder if there are other platforms. I mean, we know 312 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,800 Speaker 1: only fans exist, you can do some of that. But 313 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,639 Speaker 1: I see you and like other sex educators talking about 314 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 1: like Instagram and how you all often get shadow band, 315 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,720 Speaker 1: and you know, because you've got to be really careful 316 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,639 Speaker 1: with like spelling out stuff, and you know, so are 317 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,920 Speaker 1: there other platforms that you can use to maybe be 318 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,639 Speaker 1: able to connect with people in a way that's safe. 319 00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: So when we say safe, we have to relate define 320 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 1: on what that means individually, you know, because online safety 321 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,639 Speaker 1: means so many different things to two different people. But 322 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 1: safe in this manner where you won't get banned, are 323 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:12,640 Speaker 1: blocked and deleted, like many of us get shadow band. 324 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,679 Speaker 1: I'm sure you see whenever I spell sex, I space 325 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:21,240 Speaker 1: out the letters because Instagram definitely takes our accounts down 326 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:26,680 Speaker 1: when we post about sexuality. But what I found very interesting, 327 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:31,760 Speaker 1: and I hope this doesn't um cause any issues. But 328 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,760 Speaker 1: what I found is Twitter is like I don't know 329 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:40,960 Speaker 1: if any body has seen the porn on Twitter, but 330 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 1: usually when people ask me about like, hey, are there 331 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 1: any social media sites that I can go and see? 332 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: It used to be Tumbler, but now it's Twitter. Like 333 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,159 Speaker 1: Twitter has the best point of view stuff, and you 334 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:56,879 Speaker 1: can find a variety of sexually explicit things on Twitter 335 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:01,080 Speaker 1: and it it will literally blow your mind. Like I 336 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: have people who are kinky and queer and they want 337 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,359 Speaker 1: to see specific things and they'll put a specific hashtag 338 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,919 Speaker 1: on Twitter or they'll search for something and then they 339 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,440 Speaker 1: go down this rabbit hole of finding things that really 340 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:19,680 Speaker 1: resonate with them sexually. So Twitter is actually really good 341 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 1: for that if you're looking for a social media type 342 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,720 Speaker 1: of platform. So you mentioned that we have to be 343 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,960 Speaker 1: mindful of what we mean when we say safe, and 344 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,919 Speaker 1: I think when I'm thinking about safety, I'm thinking about 345 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:36,399 Speaker 1: you know, like, Okay, can somebody find your apartment based 346 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 1: on like a picture that you share, or you know, 347 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: like being careful of those kinds of things. Are there 348 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:44,480 Speaker 1: other things that you think people should keep in mind 349 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: when they are wanting to maybe like do some of 350 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,760 Speaker 1: this stuff online. Yeah, that's a great point. Um very 351 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,920 Speaker 1: particular about this. I don't I used to and post 352 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,000 Speaker 1: pictures of my kids because of this, and whenever we do, 353 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: we block their school name out and stuff like that. 354 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,520 Speaker 1: Even though people can and find you, you know, if 355 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:03,840 Speaker 1: they really wanted to find you, people can do that. 356 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:08,240 Speaker 1: But for a lot of people, emotional security and safety 357 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,040 Speaker 1: is very important to them. So making sure that you 358 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 1: are connected to those sites and those pages that make 359 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,640 Speaker 1: you feel good about yourself and don't make you feel 360 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:23,200 Speaker 1: really like crappy about yourself. Some people view safety as 361 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 1: something that's very affirming to their sexual identity and behavior 362 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,560 Speaker 1: and orientation. So make sure that those accounts that you 363 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: follow are in alignment to who you are as a person, 364 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,480 Speaker 1: because for a lot of people, that feel safe to them. 365 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 1: And if you are a person who knows that this 366 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: isn't your cup of tea, also knowing that it's safe 367 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,840 Speaker 1: for you as well, it's making sure that you know 368 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,119 Speaker 1: what's safe for you and what's not. And some people 369 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 1: don't recognize that until they're actually in the throes of it, 370 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,719 Speaker 1: and then they get a reaction to it and they're like, Okay, 371 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 1: I was activated by this, and I realized that it 372 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: might not be a good idea for me to go here. 373 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,280 Speaker 1: So it's just protecting yourself at various costs on the internet. 374 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 1: Like for me, I don't click on trauma porn on 375 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:13,080 Speaker 1: the internet, Like I don't like the videos of people 376 00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:16,600 Speaker 1: being killed and murdered and uh and beat so I 377 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,199 Speaker 1: don't that's I don't click on that stuff. I make 378 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 1: sure I keep that my space as safe as I can. 379 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:26,680 Speaker 1: And I appreciate people who use trigger warnings, So be 380 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: mindful of trigger warnings and are specifically content warnings. Some 381 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,280 Speaker 1: people use content warnings to let you know that the 382 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,840 Speaker 1: information might be sensitive. Don't be that person who sees 383 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,480 Speaker 1: the content warning and click on it and then become 384 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:43,040 Speaker 1: activated by it. It's important to pay attention. Yes, So 385 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,040 Speaker 1: something else that has happened, you know, I think a 386 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 1: lot of people you know, maybe have tried like online 387 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 1: dating sites, maybe for the first time during the pandemic 388 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,320 Speaker 1: and now, like you mentioned, you know, when people are vaccinated, 389 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 1: maybe they are preparing to meet people in person for 390 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,240 Speaker 1: the first time. Do you have any tips for people 391 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 1: who might be preparing to meet some money they've talked 392 00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: to only online but now wanting to you know, translate 393 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:10,600 Speaker 1: that into in real life. Yes, absolutely, So. A lot 394 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:15,000 Speaker 1: of people are burned out from online dating because they 395 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: did a lot of virtual dates, and so they're like, 396 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,480 Speaker 1: you know what, I'm vaccinated or I'm ready to get out. 397 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:25,359 Speaker 1: And a lot of people are using that to their 398 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,800 Speaker 1: advantage because they're like, I'm ready to get out and 399 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,560 Speaker 1: I'm ready to explore. One concern is that you actually 400 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,200 Speaker 1: see the person before you see the person, right, So 401 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,879 Speaker 1: make sure you're setting up a video date before you 402 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,680 Speaker 1: actually see them in person to know that this is 403 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,400 Speaker 1: the person you've been speaking with all of this time 404 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: throughout this pandemic. Because some people are still going on 405 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,119 Speaker 1: dates with people that they have not seen on camera. 406 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: And this is in the year I'm twenty and twenty one. 407 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: We should not be amount of shift on you. But 408 00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:58,960 Speaker 1: it's not in good taste to meet a person who 409 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:03,080 Speaker 1: you've never even seeing through a video call before, Like 410 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,359 Speaker 1: that is a potential red flag. So at least have 411 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,240 Speaker 1: a video call two or three or thirty six with 412 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,520 Speaker 1: them before you meet them in person. That also gives 413 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,000 Speaker 1: you a chance to see if you feel like you 414 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,880 Speaker 1: vibe with them like you see them, do you feel 415 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,800 Speaker 1: like you vibe with them, you know, are they holding 416 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:22,480 Speaker 1: your attention? Are you holding their attention? So it gives 417 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,159 Speaker 1: you the opportunity to know if you actually want to 418 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 1: meet them in person or not. So and ask what 419 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,400 Speaker 1: their goals are and make sure you have your boundaries 420 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,840 Speaker 1: for meeting people in person. Know what your boundaries are. 421 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: So boundaries are basically how you are going to interact 422 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,119 Speaker 1: with this person. Now it's not about the rules, but 423 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,320 Speaker 1: it's basically the limits you set on yourself for your 424 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: interaction with the person. So how far are you willing 425 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 1: to go? Are not willing to go? So? Are you 426 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 1: okay with hugging? Are you okay with holding hands? Do 427 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,199 Speaker 1: you want to wear a mask? Do you need them 428 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:58,280 Speaker 1: to wear a mask? What are your boundaries for in 429 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,960 Speaker 1: person meeting? If you are going to have sex, what 430 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 1: are your sexual boundaries? Some people are wearing masks during sex. 431 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:09,200 Speaker 1: I did a poll on Instagram recently asking people if 432 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,800 Speaker 1: they want to mask during sex and most people have 433 00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,119 Speaker 1: said that they have. And that was very interesting to 434 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,639 Speaker 1: me that a lot of people having sex with masks on. 435 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,240 Speaker 1: So do they need to wear a mask? Do you 436 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,600 Speaker 1: need them to be testing? How soon do you want 437 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,440 Speaker 1: to have a COVID test and show it to this 438 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,960 Speaker 1: potential partner. So you need to make sure you have 439 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,840 Speaker 1: boundaries to ensure you feel secure and you feel safe 440 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,920 Speaker 1: and motivated to actually go back out there into the 441 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 1: world in Dave people. M M, yeah, those are great tips. 442 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm very interested to hear about your you know, 443 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,119 Speaker 1: informal pool kind of that you did on Instagram, right, 444 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:47,520 Speaker 1: because I think that that's something you know, like we 445 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,560 Speaker 1: have all just had to figure out what life looks 446 00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,840 Speaker 1: like now, right, And so you know, for people who 447 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,080 Speaker 1: did not have a partner in the home or you know, 448 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,000 Speaker 1: wanting to explore outside, you know, you have to think 449 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 1: about like, Okay, this might not be my first choice, 450 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,200 Speaker 1: it's but you know, if I feel like I need 451 00:26:02,359 --> 00:26:04,679 Speaker 1: to have this meet, meant, what kinds of things can 452 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,800 Speaker 1: I do to keep myself and this other person safe 453 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,359 Speaker 1: absolutely and emotionally safe. So my husband and I, like 454 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,199 Speaker 1: I said, we had COVID and so we where everybody 455 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 1: was in the house wearing masks, and he was like, 456 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 1: we can have sex with a mask on. He was like, yeah, 457 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,560 Speaker 1: we can still do it. We don't have to face 458 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 1: each other and we can still wear our mask. Right, 459 00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:30,520 Speaker 1: because you know, they don't always figure out a way 460 00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,440 Speaker 1: to do it. So I was like, uh, you know, 461 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 1: I had thought about that, and I kind of think that, 462 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,680 Speaker 1: you know, early COVID, we were up toyingle with the 463 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:43,760 Speaker 1: idea of wearing a mask during sex, but clients also 464 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:49,159 Speaker 1: had come up into sessions and they somebody told me that, 465 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,120 Speaker 1: you know, they were thinking about wearing a mask during sex, 466 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: and we talked about what that meant for them and 467 00:26:54,119 --> 00:26:57,560 Speaker 1: what the potential partner thought about that. Is it helpful? 468 00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,920 Speaker 1: Is it not? And for the most part, I think 469 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,520 Speaker 1: what it helps people with is feeling mentally safe. It 470 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,920 Speaker 1: reduces a lot of the COVID anxiety that people have, 471 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,920 Speaker 1: and that brings me to another point when people get COVID, 472 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:15,720 Speaker 1: what that's like for their sexual experiences after getting COVID. 473 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:19,160 Speaker 1: And so personally, I'll just tell you a little personal 474 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,600 Speaker 1: thing about me. But personally, like I said, thankfully, we've 475 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: recovered from COVID, and I can tell you that I 476 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:28,879 Speaker 1: had to use my mouth. I had to use my 477 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:33,480 Speaker 1: own products on myself because I had to tell Jason, 478 00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:37,320 Speaker 1: who's my husband. I was like, listen, I'm having some 479 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,280 Speaker 1: anxiety about this, you know, I told him what was 480 00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:43,680 Speaker 1: happening with me and what I needed from him in 481 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,400 Speaker 1: the moment, and he was like, Okay, fine, you you're 482 00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,600 Speaker 1: having some anxiety about sex right now. You might change 483 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,520 Speaker 1: your mind tonight, so cool. You like, no, he didn't 484 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:57,920 Speaker 1: say tonight, but he was just basically saying, we'll go 485 00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:00,639 Speaker 1: at it when you feel more comfortable. And so one 486 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,879 Speaker 1: of the reasons why it was really hard for me 487 00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:06,760 Speaker 1: is because I had watched him in a very, very 488 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:12,439 Speaker 1: sixth state. He got pneumonia and was having issues with breathing, 489 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,960 Speaker 1: and I too, I also had issues with breathing. So 490 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:17,080 Speaker 1: if I lied on my back, if you're like somebody 491 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:18,920 Speaker 1: was sitting on my chest, and I'm like, you know, 492 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 1: I don't think I'm being able to lay on my 493 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:21,440 Speaker 1: back and I don't think I'm being able to do 494 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,520 Speaker 1: this because I don't want to get out of breath. 495 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,399 Speaker 1: And so I know that there's been a lot of 496 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: people's experience with COVID, and I'm so interested to see 497 00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:34,280 Speaker 1: like more research that comes out about sexual behaviors after 498 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:37,840 Speaker 1: having COVID and what that looks like. But based on 499 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,960 Speaker 1: my own personal experience and what I'm seeing in the 500 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: office with people who have recovered and are recovering is 501 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:46,760 Speaker 1: for the most part, a lot of people are a 502 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:51,520 Speaker 1: bit apprehensive. For several weeks after recovering from COVID, they're 503 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: a bit apprehensive. And if this is you, if you 504 00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:58,040 Speaker 1: are apprehensive about it, it's okay. For a lot of people, 505 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:02,920 Speaker 1: having COVID is very scary, and some people feel traumatized 506 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,560 Speaker 1: by that experience because for a lot of people it 507 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:08,440 Speaker 1: was a near death experience. Some people have lost people 508 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 1: as a result, So it's quite natural for you to 509 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 1: have that apprehension about going back into it. And for 510 00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 1: a lot of people, even a month later, you still 511 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,120 Speaker 1: don't feel one percent. You still have issues with breathing, 512 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:25,120 Speaker 1: you still have issues with sleep, and so you know, 513 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,840 Speaker 1: our bodies need sleep in order to feel sexually sound, 514 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,440 Speaker 1: our bodies need to be fed well, our bodies need 515 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:35,880 Speaker 1: to feel well. So I just want to normalize if 516 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,560 Speaker 1: there's anyone else who had that experience, I want to 517 00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:43,480 Speaker 1: normalize that for you that it's it's okay, and it 518 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,840 Speaker 1: probably will last for a while until you feel comfortable. 519 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:52,200 Speaker 1: There are other ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without having 520 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:54,880 Speaker 1: genital to genital sex. You know, I talked about that 521 00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,320 Speaker 1: in the Usual Mouth book. There are other ways to 522 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:03,400 Speaker 1: enjoy sex, and you can definitely still feel pleasure, sexual pleasure, 523 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:09,280 Speaker 1: and physical intimacy without having sex. More from my conversation 524 00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:22,600 Speaker 1: with Shamira after the break. You know, Shamira, listening to 525 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:25,080 Speaker 1: you talk about all of this really makes me think about, 526 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,480 Speaker 1: you know, just how much we have been through in 527 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:30,400 Speaker 1: the past eighteen months. And we know that one of 528 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 1: the hallmark symptoms of a depressive disorder is sometimes like 529 00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:38,880 Speaker 1: the loss of libido or decreased interests insects. So so 530 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:40,520 Speaker 1: I wonder if you can talk a little bit for 531 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:43,720 Speaker 1: people about how they might know whether this is just 532 00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: like a temporary like Okay, this might bounce back, or 533 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:49,280 Speaker 1: whether they needs to talk with someone about like their 534 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: loss of interest insects. So, you know, this is something 535 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:58,920 Speaker 1: that we are still figuring out. But what we do know, 536 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:04,400 Speaker 1: like sexual desire, is something that WANs like we sometimes 537 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,280 Speaker 1: where we have sexual desire and sometimes we don't, but 538 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:09,640 Speaker 1: we do know that it's something that it has to 539 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:14,400 Speaker 1: be nurtured over time. It's something that this week I 540 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: might have sexual desire and I might feel like I 541 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,640 Speaker 1: want to have sex every day this week, and then 542 00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,160 Speaker 1: next week, don't touch me. You know, it's like I'm 543 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:25,800 Speaker 1: just not there, And it's because of issues its life, 544 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:28,960 Speaker 1: it's because of all types of things that are going 545 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,360 Speaker 1: on body things that's happening with us that we don't 546 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:36,440 Speaker 1: recognize that's happening. What we do know is that whenever 547 00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 1: we are experiencing those differences in sexual desire, and if 548 00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:44,800 Speaker 1: we're able to with attention and with sexual communication with 549 00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,600 Speaker 1: our partner, if we're still able to feel sexually connected 550 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,320 Speaker 1: with them in time, we know that this is a 551 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:55,760 Speaker 1: natural sexual desire waning. However, if you are a person 552 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,280 Speaker 1: and you're recognizing that it's been at least six months 553 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:03,960 Speaker 1: and I you don't feel any sexual desire, If you're 554 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:06,880 Speaker 1: noticing that this isn't the norm for you as it 555 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:11,080 Speaker 1: relates to how your sexual desire fluctuates, then you know 556 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: that it's time to speak to someone. It's time to 557 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: contact your therapists or sex therapists, and it's time to 558 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: see how to get back on a tract that you 559 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: feel comfortable with. Because what we know is, like you said, 560 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:27,120 Speaker 1: with the depression and also death anxiety that COVID has 561 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,920 Speaker 1: caused for a lot of people. If you think you're 562 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 1: about to die. If you think that getting close to 563 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 1: people is going to kill you, that's gonna tank your 564 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:40,840 Speaker 1: sexual desire because what makes your partner different from the 565 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,800 Speaker 1: other people And a lot of people are experiencing that, 566 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:46,600 Speaker 1: and they did experience that. It's like, I'm kind of 567 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,400 Speaker 1: afraid to even have sex with my partner because he 568 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:51,920 Speaker 1: works outside the house or they work outside of the house, 569 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,560 Speaker 1: and I don't know who they're coming in contact with, 570 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,200 Speaker 1: and so we have to talk about what will make 571 00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,240 Speaker 1: you feel comfortable about them working outside of the house 572 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:03,160 Speaker 1: and you still being able to feel close and connected 573 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:06,760 Speaker 1: with them. So it's basically paying attention and knowing your 574 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:10,280 Speaker 1: body and having that sexual communication talking to your partner. 575 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 1: But if you recognizing that it's been several months since 576 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:17,840 Speaker 1: you felt like your usual self, then it's definitely time 577 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:21,080 Speaker 1: to speak to someone. M hm, you know, Shamara, something 578 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,840 Speaker 1: else that has come up a few times in community conversations. 579 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 1: It's this idea of people feeling less confident or secure 580 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,360 Speaker 1: in their bodies because of weight, you know, maybe they've 581 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,080 Speaker 1: gained during the pandemic. I'm wondering if you can share 582 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:34,800 Speaker 1: some thoughts about how to increase your sexual confidence after 583 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:38,520 Speaker 1: body changes. Listen, I don't know one person who didn't 584 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,640 Speaker 1: gain weight while we were in Like, I gained weight, 585 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:44,280 Speaker 1: I lost I lost it back when I lost eleven 586 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,080 Speaker 1: pounds with COVID, but I gained weight. Like people who 587 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,840 Speaker 1: even generally have issues with a gaining weight, they were like, yes, 588 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: I gained some weight, thank you COVID. But there are 589 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,240 Speaker 1: some people who thank you COVID lockdown, not COVID. But 590 00:33:56,360 --> 00:33:59,600 Speaker 1: there are some people who did gain weight, and now 591 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: they feel even less sexually confident than they did before 592 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,600 Speaker 1: they gained this weight, and this is increasing. Like you 593 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,759 Speaker 1: mentioned earlier, Dr Joy, all that we've gone through in 594 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:15,480 Speaker 1: this eighteen months and we're still moving right, So our 595 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,960 Speaker 1: bodies have carried us through that. Some of us, our 596 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,440 Speaker 1: bodies have carried us through even being infected with COVID 597 00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,480 Speaker 1: or nurturing other people who have been infected. Some of 598 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:27,440 Speaker 1: us are professional people who work outside of the house 599 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:30,160 Speaker 1: and who have been essential workers, and who worked in 600 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:33,320 Speaker 1: hospitals and outside of the house this entire time. And 601 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:36,480 Speaker 1: your body has carried you through all of that. So 602 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:40,080 Speaker 1: your body is doing the thing that bodies do, right, 603 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:44,600 Speaker 1: So it's how do you redefine how you see yourself 604 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:49,200 Speaker 1: and where does your idea of sexual confidence come from? 605 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:54,000 Speaker 1: So if you did not have an idea of what 606 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,680 Speaker 1: it meant to be sexually confident, how would you know 607 00:34:56,760 --> 00:35:00,400 Speaker 1: that you were or you weren't sexually confident? When you 608 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:04,040 Speaker 1: think of sexual confidence, what pops up? What people do 609 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:08,719 Speaker 1: you see? I asked a client this before, who is 610 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:13,440 Speaker 1: not a therapy client who they saw as sexually confident. 611 00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,120 Speaker 1: This was from a speaking engagement I had, and I 612 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:20,080 Speaker 1: asked this client this, and they said, Rihanna is someone 613 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:25,200 Speaker 1: who they see as sexually confident. And then my person 614 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:29,120 Speaker 1: was test holiday. I saw that person as sexually confident. 615 00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:32,000 Speaker 1: And the problem with that is we see these people 616 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:34,359 Speaker 1: as sexually confident, but we don't know if they see 617 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,320 Speaker 1: themselves that way. We only see a glimpse of what 618 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:40,760 Speaker 1: they decided to share with us. So in the ways, 619 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:46,000 Speaker 1: what about them can we nurture within ourselves? When you 620 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:49,040 Speaker 1: look at these people who you deem to be sexually confident, 621 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:52,840 Speaker 1: what is it about them? And where are you getting 622 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,160 Speaker 1: the messages from that You have to be a certain 623 00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:58,880 Speaker 1: size in order to be sexually attractive, and if that's 624 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:00,640 Speaker 1: from inside of your house, then you have a problem. 625 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:05,880 Speaker 1: So we need to reevaluate and ask ourselves those questions 626 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,920 Speaker 1: right and figure out what does it mean for us 627 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,320 Speaker 1: to be sexually confident? Does that mean wearing a shirt 628 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:14,360 Speaker 1: when you have sex? And I know people are like, 629 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:16,759 Speaker 1: take the shirt off, but you know, my thing is 630 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,880 Speaker 1: if you feel comfortable and you are connected to more 631 00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:24,000 Speaker 1: pleasure when you wear your shirt and your partner is 632 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:27,319 Speaker 1: okay with that, wear your shirt until you feel better 633 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:30,400 Speaker 1: about taking it off, because we can get there. We 634 00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,239 Speaker 1: can get to there if you feel like you are 635 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,479 Speaker 1: ready to. If you want to take off your shirt 636 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,680 Speaker 1: and you want to still have on a bra where 637 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:42,640 Speaker 1: your bra, so do it and continue to make smaller 638 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:47,279 Speaker 1: steps until you feel better about yourself sexually. But you 639 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:50,520 Speaker 1: have to change the messaging that you're telling yourself about 640 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,799 Speaker 1: what it means to be sexually confident. I'm wondering, are 641 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,080 Speaker 1: there things that you will be thinking about in terms 642 00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:59,279 Speaker 1: of like our sex lives and like relationship lives on 643 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:01,680 Speaker 1: the other side of the pandemic whenever we get there, 644 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:04,560 Speaker 1: Like what kinds of things are you interested in learning about, 645 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,400 Speaker 1: Like how sex and relationships have kind of thrived or 646 00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,239 Speaker 1: not on the other side. So when I think of 647 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,280 Speaker 1: on the other side, I call it in an evolving 648 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:17,080 Speaker 1: COVID society. So I'm interested in knowing how our sexual 649 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 1: behaviors changed and in evolving COVID society. So even with flirting. 650 00:37:22,719 --> 00:37:27,440 Speaker 1: So I did an interesting article with the media company 651 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:31,200 Speaker 1: about flirting during the pandemic, and I want to know 652 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,400 Speaker 1: how people's flirting habits have changed while they had on 653 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,520 Speaker 1: a mask and then when people were able to remove 654 00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:43,359 Speaker 1: their masks. What changed in people as it related to flirting, right? 655 00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:47,160 Speaker 1: Did their behaviors change? For one thing, what I recognized 656 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,800 Speaker 1: in asking some people these questions is with the mask on, 657 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:55,320 Speaker 1: people were very interested in looking in each other's faces, 658 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:58,840 Speaker 1: and specifically in each other's eyes, because basically, if you 659 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:03,040 Speaker 1: wear your mask fly over your nose, then we basically 660 00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:06,560 Speaker 1: only saw each other's eyes. So people became more interested 661 00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:10,120 Speaker 1: in looking in each other's eyes. And then the self 662 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,680 Speaker 1: reports from people I interview personally is that they checked 663 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:17,839 Speaker 1: out each other's bodies more while being masked, even if 664 00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:21,040 Speaker 1: they work up close and personal, and that didn't change 665 00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:24,080 Speaker 1: with taking the mask off. What did not change was 666 00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:27,080 Speaker 1: there was still this very this interest to look in 667 00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:30,160 Speaker 1: people's faces. Now, wow, we're taking our mask off. Now 668 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:33,640 Speaker 1: I can see what you look like without your mask on, right, 669 00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:36,279 Speaker 1: And so there was a strong desire and interest to 670 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,680 Speaker 1: see what people look like without a mask on. So 671 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:41,560 Speaker 1: those are some of the things that I'm interested in. 672 00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:45,840 Speaker 1: I'm interested in what dating continues to look like and 673 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:49,640 Speaker 1: how that continues to evolve with this. I'm interested in 674 00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:53,799 Speaker 1: knowing how the vaccine improves people sexual quality of life. 675 00:38:54,640 --> 00:38:57,719 Speaker 1: So I know a lot of people when they were 676 00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,239 Speaker 1: able to get vaccinated, they went out and they did 677 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,120 Speaker 1: that because they thought that they were going to be 678 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:06,560 Speaker 1: able to go out and wile out again. So that's 679 00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,520 Speaker 1: what they thought. But those are like those things that 680 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,560 Speaker 1: come up to the forefront of man. Yeah, we will 681 00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:16,600 Speaker 1: definitely be staying in touch to kind of see like 682 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:18,880 Speaker 1: what kinds of things you know, because I'm also just 683 00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:22,000 Speaker 1: fascinated just on so many levels about like how we 684 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:26,480 Speaker 1: will change and how we will collectively grieve and all 685 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:28,399 Speaker 1: of those things. Right, Like, it just feels like there's 686 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:31,640 Speaker 1: been so many things have been uprooted during the pandemic, 687 00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:33,719 Speaker 1: and so there's just gonna be so much different like 688 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:35,880 Speaker 1: on the other side. Or I like your idea of 689 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,680 Speaker 1: an evolution, right because it doesn't sound like you know, 690 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:41,520 Speaker 1: COVID is going anywhere, but hopefully we won't always be 691 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:43,960 Speaker 1: in a pandemic state. Right. It becomes a thing that 692 00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:46,279 Speaker 1: we figure out how to live with, right, kind of 693 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:49,480 Speaker 1: like the flu. So yep, but I can't wait till 694 00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:54,839 Speaker 1: we get there. Yeah, where we feel a little bit 695 00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,160 Speaker 1: better than where we are now, a lot better than 696 00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:00,400 Speaker 1: where we are now. Yeah. Yeah, Social mar you've already 697 00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:03,120 Speaker 1: may reference several times to the Use your Mouth cards 698 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:05,360 Speaker 1: and the book. I wonder if you can tell us 699 00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:07,880 Speaker 1: a little bit more about those and where we can 700 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:10,399 Speaker 1: find you, as well as any social media handles you'd 701 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,800 Speaker 1: like to share. Absolutely. So, if you've ever been a 702 00:40:13,920 --> 00:40:17,040 Speaker 1: person who thought that you needed to know more about 703 00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:20,160 Speaker 1: yourself or your partner sexually, and you want to improve 704 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:23,719 Speaker 1: your sex, then you got to get to use your 705 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,360 Speaker 1: Mouth Sex and Relationship Conversation starter cards. And this is 706 00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:28,560 Speaker 1: for anybody. You don't have to be in a relationship 707 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:31,399 Speaker 1: or not, so basically it's a fun, non judging way 708 00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:35,360 Speaker 1: to improve your sexual relationship. And then there is the 709 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,719 Speaker 1: book that came out after the cards because a lot 710 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:41,040 Speaker 1: of people I want to know what intimacy is in 711 00:40:41,239 --> 00:40:42,840 Speaker 1: and out of the bedroom, because a lot of us 712 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:48,240 Speaker 1: think that intimacy is just sex. So I discuss seven 713 00:40:48,440 --> 00:40:51,160 Speaker 1: different types of intimacy right and they use your Mouth book. 714 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:54,360 Speaker 1: It's pocket sized conversations to simply improve seven types of 715 00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,600 Speaker 1: intimacy in and out of the bedroom. And so I 716 00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:01,400 Speaker 1: talked about seven ways or seven of intimacy that you 717 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:04,959 Speaker 1: might have or you might be missing in your relationship 718 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,520 Speaker 1: with your partner that you want to build on. And 719 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:11,440 Speaker 1: everything begins with a conversation. Sex begins with a conversation. 720 00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:14,160 Speaker 1: So you can get both of those on my site 721 00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:17,120 Speaker 1: on the Green Couch dot com or you can go 722 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:20,440 Speaker 1: to Amazon to get the book as well, and you 723 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:22,880 Speaker 1: can reach me on the Green Couch dot com. And 724 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:26,680 Speaker 1: all of my socials are Sexologist Shamara. So I'm Sexologist 725 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:29,440 Speaker 1: Shamaria on Instagram and I talk back to people and 726 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:32,760 Speaker 1: YouTube and Facebook. Well, thank you so much for sharing 727 00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:34,320 Speaker 1: it with us. Again, It's always a pleasure to have 728 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:36,680 Speaker 1: you chatting with us. Yes, I love chatting with y'all. 729 00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,960 Speaker 1: I'm so glad Shamara was able to share her expertise 730 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,719 Speaker 1: with us today. To learn more about her, or to 731 00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,759 Speaker 1: grab your pack of the Use your Mouth cards, visit 732 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:52,040 Speaker 1: the show notes at Therapy for black girls dot com 733 00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,359 Speaker 1: slash session to to six and don't forget to text 734 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,200 Speaker 1: two of your girls and tell them to check out 735 00:41:57,239 --> 00:41:59,800 Speaker 1: the episode as well. If you're looking for a therapist 736 00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,360 Speaker 1: in your area, be sure to check out our therapist 737 00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:05,960 Speaker 1: directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. 738 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:08,560 Speaker 1: And if you want to continue digging into this topic 739 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:11,360 Speaker 1: or just be in community with other sisters, come on 740 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,759 Speaker 1: over and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our 741 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,680 Speaker 1: cozy corner of the Internet design just for black women. 742 00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:19,520 Speaker 1: You can join us at community dot Therapy for black 743 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:22,160 Speaker 1: girls dot com. Thank you all so much for joining 744 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,759 Speaker 1: me again this week. I look forward to continue in 745 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:28,200 Speaker 1: this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,