Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow from New York City,
Speaker 1: the only city in America. It's the show, the intended News.
Speaker 1: It's the daily show with your host. What's in minhuhs God,
Speaker 1: I'm your host talking man hus nice to do? Yes,
Speaker 1: s away listen. It's night three for me behind the desk,
Speaker 1: and I gotta say it's been so great this week
Speaker 1: catching up with old friends and also Ronnie Chain. But
Speaker 1: we've got a great show for you tonight. So let's
Speaker 1: get into headlines. Let's start off with McDonald's, the only
Speaker 1: thing that's invaded more countries than America. Some McDonald's franchise's
Speaker 1: are pushing back against a new corporate ad campaign called
Speaker 1: Famous Orders, which less famous people like Cardi B create
Speaker 1: new menu items. Some restaurant owners worry the Cardi B
Speaker 1: promotion is not compatible with McDonald's decades long history as
Speaker 1: a family friendly restaurant. One franchise in San Jose who's
Speaker 1: participating said, you know the fact that we can't talk
Speaker 1: about the song that we're objecting to because we can't
Speaker 1: use the title says something. Oh, hold on, do these
Speaker 1: guys have a problem with wop because you know, every
Speaker 1: burger comes with wet ass pickles. This is a normal thing.
Speaker 1: Don't take the moral high ground. Not to mention Mickey
Speaker 1: Dee's one of your mascots is a burglar and the
Speaker 1: other one is a purple butt plug. You're worried about
Speaker 1: CARDIV All right, let's move on to our big story tonight,
Speaker 1: the train derailment in East Palestine. Yeah, sad, very sad.
Speaker 1: But today a bipartisan group of senators introduced safety legislation
Speaker 1: to you know, actually try to solve the problem, which
Speaker 1: is so refreshing because for the past three weeks, all
Speaker 1: we've heard is pundits and politicians playing the blame game.
Speaker 1: But where's President Biden? Instead of going to Ohio. President
Speaker 1: Biden is heading home to Delaware to relax after his
Speaker 1: big Ukraine trip. We're here because of all of the
Speaker 1: deregulation of the train industry during the Trump administration. Joe
Speaker 1: Biden will probably never visit. You know, he doesn't seem
Speaker 1: to care what's happening in Ohio. Pete Budhajedge is a disgrace.
Speaker 1: It was him, it was Donald Trump, but his administration.
Speaker 1: I think the people on us Palostine, Ohio should put
Speaker 1: Ukraine flags from their yard, and maybe Biden would pay attentions. Okay,
Speaker 1: all of you shut up. Wait, this feels like watching
Speaker 1: your parents fight in the kitchen, and they're both being
Speaker 1: idiots for different reasons. Listen, Republicans, listen to me. You
Speaker 1: guys love deregulation, but suddenly you now care about rail safety.
Speaker 1: Little ironic. Also, you really think Joe Biden taking a
Speaker 1: tragedy selfie would make the situation any better? Democrats, listen
Speaker 1: to me. As of now, March first, there's zero indication
Speaker 1: that Trump's policies caused this whole derailment, so you cannot
Speaker 1: touchdown dance. But also, what the fuck are you guys doing?
Speaker 1: How do you fumble the optics game every time? Why
Speaker 1: didn't you send Joe Biden to take a tragedy selfie?
Speaker 1: Even a moron like Donald Trump managed to do it.
Speaker 1: Trump pulled up to McDonald's and started handing out hats
Speaker 1: and happy meals. Democrats, you waited three weeks and you
Speaker 1: sent Pete Buddha Jedge dressed like Bob the Builder. He's
Speaker 1: the twelfth command on your depth chart. Send Kamala. What
Speaker 1: the is Kamala doing? We want to see her just
Speaker 1: for a proof of life, Kamala, take an Instagram reel
Speaker 1: of you feeding an appellachian kid. Okay, easy, Now here's
Speaker 1: the real issue. Nobody should be trying to win a
Speaker 1: train derailment. Okay, we had about five seconds of empathy
Speaker 1: before this whole thing turned into another partisan prize fight.
Speaker 1: It's almost like everyone in politics and the media said, hey,
Speaker 1: how will people have empathy if we don't tell them
Speaker 1: who to blame. You know, you don't always have to
Speaker 1: find a villain because the truth is much like me,
Speaker 1: it's not always black and white. For more on the
Speaker 1: partisan fallout from train derailment, let's turn to it. Don't
Speaker 1: say so, don't say Listen, we're saying you're flow. They
Speaker 1: love you. Yeah, but don't you think the whole blame
Speaker 1: game is just terrible? Actually, I don't think it's going
Speaker 1: far enough. There's a lot more blame to go around.
Speaker 1: People are blaming Democrats and Republicans, but we're not blaming
Speaker 1: the real villain. You're so right, it's our own inability
Speaker 1: to empathize, dumb. We're gonna blame these trains. What's Thomas
Speaker 1: and the rest of the mothers? Listen, I try and
Speaker 1: a just a bus that goes less places, and I
Speaker 1: don't even look good. It's just a bunch of little
Speaker 1: cars slip at each other's butts. That is a horrifying image. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: But you can't just blame trains as a whole, Yes
Speaker 1: I can. I also blame the inventor, British engineer George Stevenson.
Speaker 1: You think you can get away with this, inventing the
Speaker 1: locomotive in eighteen oh four, No, sir, okay, we are
Speaker 1: digging your ass up and kicking it all over the cemetery.
Speaker 1: All right, revenge vi higo going on? Don't say you
Speaker 1: are reaching here to find anyone to blame you get
Speaker 1: it awfully defensive? Has maybe you had something to do
Speaker 1: with this? Where were you in the derailment happened, mister
Speaker 1: Larf I was doing comedy, doing comed You was somewhere
Speaker 1: making people laugh with the hig highs and the joke jokes.
Speaker 1: H Can you believe this man? He was making jokes
Speaker 1: at a time of national tragedy. I dare you? Is
Speaker 1: that why you came here? How the shot? Listen? I
Speaker 1: want everybody to acknowledge this brown man, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: this Muslim man Muslim, it's responsible for I drained jumping
Speaker 1: out of the tracks like no one, Yeah, get good everyone,
Speaker 1: I said, come on, what stopping did you DM? Ronnie stopping?
Speaker 1: You're doing You're doing this right now. You're getting everybody
Speaker 1: worked up. This is how the whole thing works. Yes,
Speaker 1: the media machine. You're smelling blood and you're getting them
Speaker 1: to bolts on me boom, Yeah, why are you doing this?
Speaker 1: Because Blayman feels great. It's the best way to solve
Speaker 1: any problem. See, when you blame someone, you don't have
Speaker 1: to take any action. There's no need to reflect. You
Speaker 1: simply ask the question who's responsible? Who's fuss And it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter who it is, because the important thing is
Speaker 1: it ain't me. So hassen't apologize. Don't you want Hassin
Speaker 1: to apologize? I apologize that. That's good. People, the American
Speaker 1: people about derailing a train in Ohio. Okay, America, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry for being responsible for the train derailment in East Palestine.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It felt forced. And that's the problem
Speaker 1: because you you need to take responsibility. Okay, you know what,
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Don't say fine, I take responsible?
Speaker 1: All right, Well we come back. I'm gonna finally solve
Speaker 1: my Twitter addictions. So don't go away. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the Daily Show. Um, tonight, I want to share something
Speaker 1: that's on my mind. Um, let me ask you guys
Speaker 1: a question. Who hears on Twitter? Okay, I that's too
Speaker 1: many people. The guy, the guy, the guy who said, no,
Speaker 1: that's a that's a normal person, right there. I trust
Speaker 1: you now. By now you probably know Elon Musk recently
Speaker 1: bought Twitter for forty four billion dollars. Yeah, and since
Speaker 1: Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter is Twitter sucks.
Speaker 1: We should leave Twitter. Elon ruined Twitter. But here's the thing, guys,
Speaker 1: Elon didn't make Twitter terrible. Twitter has been terrible for
Speaker 1: years because of us. Nah, you can't dunk on Elon.
Speaker 1: It's us. Twitter is the shittiest platform on planet Earth.
Speaker 1: It's worse than Tender, and Tender gives you genital herpies. Okay,
Speaker 1: but as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves.
Speaker 1: Oh but I can't leave Twitter. It's the digital town square. No,
Speaker 1: it's not. Twitter is not a town square. It's Time Square.
Speaker 1: Have you been a Times Square? It's terrifying. You got
Speaker 1: the eminem store Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating ads for
Speaker 1: DraftKings dot Com. I'm like, can someone just stab me
Speaker 1: in the eye and take me out of this? Hell? Oh,
Speaker 1: but husn't we have to be a part of the discourse.
Speaker 1: This is a place for discourse. Fine, let's talk about
Speaker 1: the discourse. Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything?
Speaker 1: It's someone like, you know, I used to think canceling
Speaker 1: student debt was a bad idea, but it links. It
Speaker 1: makes a lot more sense with handclap emojis. Oh oh,
Speaker 1: you think we're gonna convince Florida's government to stop banning
Speaker 1: books with a thread? Here's an They've already made it
Speaker 1: pretty clear they're not big on reading. But husson, husson, No, No,
Speaker 1: I can't leave Twitter. Everybody's on Twitter. No, they're not.
Speaker 1: Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter. Yeah,
Speaker 1: by the way, by the way, and only ten percent
Speaker 1: of those dorks create eighty percent of the content. It's
Speaker 1: a minority of a minority. There are more country music
Speaker 1: stars named Luke than people who tweet. It just feels
Speaker 1: like everyone's on it because the news media is on it.
Speaker 1: So journalists see three people tweet about something and they're like,
Speaker 1: everybody's talking about this. Who the is everybody? Ball Sacks
Speaker 1: seventy nine is everybody? But they go quote tweet, quote
Speaker 1: tweet quote of this. But this was nothing. This was
Speaker 1: not discourse. This was three people. Okay. Now, now to
Speaker 1: the people that gave it up that were like, I
Speaker 1: use Twitter, I will give you this. I'll give you this.
Speaker 1: Twitter has been helpful for boosting the mew too movement
Speaker 1: and spotlighting police brutality, but it has to be used
Speaker 1: in dire circumstances. That should be the capture for Twitter.
Speaker 1: When you log in, it shouldn't ask you to pick
Speaker 1: three stoplights. It should ask you, are you reporting a
Speaker 1: natural disaster, an authoritarian government, whistle blowing, harassment by the police,
Speaker 1: or are you defending Beyonce? Then and only then should
Speaker 1: you get to tweet? Outside of that? What the is
Speaker 1: the upside of anyone tweeting? Why should I tweet? Why
Speaker 1: should you tweet? Think of the process. You share your opinion,
Speaker 1: you argue with people, and then potentially lose your job.
Speaker 1: That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity. It's a
Speaker 1: platform with no dialogue, no grace, no forgiveness. It's all
Speaker 1: isis beheadings and clout. And the only thing worse than
Speaker 1: Twitter's features are its users, not the lurkers. Lurkers were normal.
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline. The
Speaker 1: amount the psychos tweet is on another level. George Takai
Speaker 1: has tweeted one hundred and three thousand times since he joined.
Speaker 1: That comes out to twenty three tweets a day. George,
Speaker 1: you can have opinions, but I shouldn't be able to
Speaker 1: set my watch to them. Dude. Mike Zernovic has tweeted
Speaker 1: two hundred thousand times. That's forty eight tweets a day.
Speaker 1: How do you have that many opinions. I'm a guy
Speaker 1: and I only have two opinions. I love the Sacramento
Speaker 1: Kings and real Talk. Chipotle has kind of fallen off.
Speaker 1: That's it. Wajahad Alive. He's a friend of mine and
Speaker 1: a writer for The New York Times. Brag Watch has
Speaker 1: tweeted one hundred and eighty five thousand, two hundred times. Watch,
Speaker 1: I have a message from your family. We miss you, dad.
Speaker 1: Look up. I don't care what side of the aisle
Speaker 1: you're on. Put the crack pipe down in leave Twitter
Speaker 1: like you said you would. What happened to the mass
Speaker 1: exodus when Elon took over? I thought all you guys
Speaker 1: were going to Twitter Canada Mastadon. Find me a mastadon.
Speaker 1: You can catch me on Mastodon, you cowards. And for
Speaker 1: the people who still think it has value, you're wrong.
Speaker 1: You know this deep down, you feel it here. You
Speaker 1: bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit.
Speaker 1: You don't even have the willpower to live up to
Speaker 1: your own values. You don't give up about your values.
Speaker 1: You don't give up. You care more about your brand
Speaker 1: than progress. You don't want to write on Twitter. You
Speaker 1: want to write on succession, but you're not talented enough
Speaker 1: to write for succession, and neither am I. I want
Speaker 1: out of the media grip. Do you understand? I want
Speaker 1: my mind back. I hate this place. Hi hate Twitter?
Speaker 1: Hi wan out, hi wan out? Give me my mind back.
Speaker 1: Don't dream my mom from's tweets? Please? Hell? What am
Speaker 1: I doing? What am I doing? My daughter's here? What
Speaker 1: am I doing? Oh my god? I'm the living embodiment
Speaker 1: of Twitter. I'm judging other people without changing anything about myself.
Speaker 1: Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote. I saw on Twitter.
Speaker 1: Maybe I need to be the change I wish to
Speaker 1: see in the world. Yes, I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving Twitter.
Speaker 1: I'm leaving this hellscape right now. Let's do this right now.
Speaker 1: You think I'm I'm doing this. This is real. This
Speaker 1: is real, and just like everybody on Twitter, I'm making
Speaker 1: a long and the way announcement about it right here.
Speaker 1: You got that, Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's get
Speaker 1: that out of here. Deactivate, Yes, deactivate. Goodbye. I'm God, him,
Speaker 1: God him, I'm I I'm three. So what do I
Speaker 1: do now? I guess I can actually go to the
Speaker 1: town square and meet people in real life, hang out
Speaker 1: with my wife, kiss my children, you know, touch grass.
Speaker 1: It's a big world out there, and I want to
Speaker 1: live in it. We had a fun ride trolls and
Speaker 1: bad faith actors. Oh and by the way, if you
Speaker 1: hate this on Twitter, I could give it because I'm
Speaker 1: not there, join me in the real world. And hey,
Speaker 1: in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening,
Speaker 1: and good night. Well that's it for our show tonight.
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