Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy.
Speaker 2: Central, you're probably worry about Our nation's been embroiled in
Speaker 2: a long and bitter war.
Speaker 3: The first albo in the War on Christmas, the War
Speaker 3: on Christmas, the War on Christmas, War on Christmas, War
Speaker 3: on Christmas.
Speaker 1: War on Christmas.
Speaker 2: It's not to be confused with War on Christmas is
Speaker 2: a tremendous Christmas album Vexibles. For years now, Christmas has
Speaker 2: been under attack, defended only by the brave souls of
Speaker 2: Fox News. Are they still up to the task? That
Speaker 2: is the subject of tonight's War on Christmas Friendly Fire Edition,
Speaker 2: Let's Face Facts, the annual Fox War on Christmas. It's
Speaker 2: become a little predictable. It's basically I imagine you can
Speaker 2: make went up with the like a make Fox News
Speaker 2: mad libs. Let's see so uh, let's see. Uh, let's
Speaker 2: try to do one of these all right. Last week
Speaker 2: in uh, I need the name of some godless liberal bastion.
Speaker 2: Santa Monica. Okay, Santa Monica, that'll do. Let me just
Speaker 2: fill in Santa Monica there and in Santa Monica a
Speaker 2: group of give me the name of a small group
Speaker 2: of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture.
Speaker 1: Atheists.
Speaker 2: Okay, atheists will do. That's right. Everyone's favored uncle lives
Speaker 2: in Oregon. No one ever says, yeah, so a group
Speaker 2: of atheists have ruined Christmas by forcing the removal of
Speaker 2: I need a classic Christmas symbol.
Speaker 4: Ass damn it, Brian, we're trying to do something here.
Speaker 2: Let's go say in.
Speaker 5: The car a Nativity scene.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Nativity scene. Some people are still grown ups
Speaker 2: over there, actious scene. Okay, all right, so we're done.
Speaker 2: Let's see if we can put that all together, shall we.
Speaker 6: Atheists seem to have ended a sixty year old Christmas
Speaker 6: tradition in Santa Monica, California.
Speaker 7: A federal judge backing Santa Monica's decision.
Speaker 3: To no longer allow Nativity scenes in a public park.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that is such an out. It's as
Speaker 2: though the War on Christmas has become a rote observance,
Speaker 2: devoid of all its original spiritual meaning. Even its most
Speaker 2: ardent proponents have seen doubt creep in.
Speaker 7: Now a lot of people, for whatever reason, will look
Speaker 7: at this interview today and they'll say, Gretchen Carlson and
Speaker 7: Daren Costa are nuts. Okay, They're so nuts because they
Speaker 7: think that there's this made up war on Christmas. We're
Speaker 7: not nuts, are we? There is a war on Christmas.
Speaker 2: As a general rule, if you're trying to tell whether
Speaker 2: you and one other person or nuts, ask a third person,
Speaker 2: preferably someone outside the asylum. But since you asked the question,
Speaker 2: am I nuts to think there's a war on Christmas?
Speaker 2: It's only played for me to offer you a resounding yes. Nuts.
Speaker 2: Because for whatever annoying local ticki tac Christmas abolishing story,
Speaker 2: you and your merry band of persecution seeking researchers can
Speaker 2: scour the wires to turn up the rest of us
Speaker 2: can't swing a dead elf without knocking over an inflatable
Speaker 2: snow globe or a giant blinking candy cane. For God's sakes,
Speaker 2: Fox News itself is located in midtown Manhattan, the epicenter
Speaker 2: of all that is godless, secular, gay, jewey, and hell bound.
Speaker 2: And yet even here, all around your studio, it looks
Speaker 2: like Santa's balls exploded. So that is in us. That
Speaker 2: is a hypothesis. You know, in the old days before
Speaker 2: the War on Christmas, the celebration of the Birth of
Speaker 2: Christ lasted a day like birthdays do, And then it
Speaker 2: seeped into the night before Christmas, the eve, if you will,
Speaker 2: And then the next thing you know, we were riding
Speaker 2: this thing all the way to Epiphany. Fine, twelve days
Speaker 2: gave time for lords to leap and geese delay, and
Speaker 2: partridges to pair and gold to ring, and it's just
Speaker 2: twelve days of servants and poultry whatever. But it still
Speaker 2: wasn't enough. There's a war on Christmas. Has anyone told Thanksgiving?
Speaker 2: Because this year Black Friday aka Christmas's opening belt got
Speaker 2: moved back a day to Black Thursday, or as we
Speaker 2: used to call it, Thanksgiving. Christmas is so big now
Speaker 2: it's eating other holidays. Watch your ass, Halloween your next.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's a question. Do atheists land an occasional blow?
Speaker 2: I guess even the Washington generals get lucky once in
Speaker 2: a while. But when you look at the overall record
Speaker 2: between the two teams, for godsakes, there are radio stations
Speaker 2: that play nothing but Christmas carols, stores that sell nothing
Speaker 2: but Christmas decorations all year long. There is a TV
Speaker 2: channel devoted to a Yule log and it's kicking CNN's
Speaker 2: But don't worry, non log burning channels. There's Christmas programs
Speaker 2: for you as well. There's old timey traditional Christmas programming,
Speaker 2: really old timey Dickenzie and Christmas special programming, New time Ey,
Speaker 2: Urban Christmas specials, Mormon Christmas specials, Country Western Christmas specials,
Speaker 2: Shipmunk Christmas specials, Otter Christmas specials, Bear Christmas specials, Cat
Speaker 2: Christmas specials, Large Headed Child Christmas Day, Christmas, Jewish Christmas, whatever.
Speaker 2: This is Christmas, Christmas Underwater, Christmas from the future, prehistoric Christmas.
Speaker 2: That's right, there's a Christmas special celebrating Jesus' birth thousands
Speaker 2: of years before the birth of Jesus. That is a
Speaker 2: holiday that is not in danger. There is so much
Speaker 2: Christmas all over the place, it's getting harder for Christmas
Speaker 2: defenders to fight for Christmas without accidentally doing damage to it,
Speaker 2: Which brings us to our friendly fire incident. Watch what
Speaker 2: happens when our good friend Bill O'Reilly takes the atheist's bait.
Speaker 3: What religion is involved with Christmas? What religion?
Speaker 2: Christianity?
Speaker 3: That is not a religion, that's a philosophy.
Speaker 2: So you're gonna actually tell me on live television that
Speaker 2: Christianity is not a religion, correct?
Speaker 3: It is aph.
Speaker 2: Bill, Bill Way Bill, have you learned nothing from our fringe.
Speaker 2: You just handed that atheist another thing he can't Believeanity
Speaker 2: is a religion. Christianity has a philosophical element, but there
Speaker 2: is a difference between a philosophy and a religion. For instance,
Speaker 2: let's look at Socrates and Jesus. They have a lot
Speaker 2: in common, loose fitting clothing, beards, sandals, teaching through parable martyrdom.
Speaker 2: But here's where we find the distinction between philosophy and religion.
Speaker 2: After their martyrdom, one of them got better. I'll give you,
Speaker 2: I'll give you a hit. It's the one who ascended
Speaker 2: into heaven and is seated at the right hand of
Speaker 2: the Father, who will come again and glory to judge
Speaker 2: living in the dead, whose kingdom will have no end. Anyone, anyone, bueler, anyone.
Speaker 2: It's Jesus. Now we bestow one of them tax exempt status.
Speaker 2: Why isn't Christianity or religion.
Speaker 3: Christianity is not an organ religion a church that can
Speaker 3: be imposed. Christianity is a philosophy. You don't have to
Speaker 3: believe Jesus is God in order to admire his view
Speaker 3: on life.
Speaker 2: No, but you have to believe Jesus is God to
Speaker 2: be a Christian. For instance, I like a lot of Jesus' philosophy,
Speaker 2: love your neighbor, little cheek, turning stone, notod casting. It's
Speaker 2: very nice. But while I can get an A in
Speaker 2: his philosophy class, I don't get to go to the
Speaker 2: after party. You get what I'm saying here, Bill, So
Speaker 2: you want to do this my place at your place,
Speaker 2: because baratah.
Speaker 1: I'm.
Speaker 2: We'll be right back. We all know Christmas is everyone's
Speaker 2: favorite holiday, Everyone's everyone's, but it is very difficult for
Speaker 2: even our staunchest defenders of Christmas to keep the spirit
Speaker 2: of the season when Christmas, it's very essence, is under
Speaker 2: constant siege by someone something. It's the subject of our
Speaker 2: new segment, War on Christmas Getting Weird edition. First up,
Speaker 2: the general pattern of the War on Christmas.
Speaker 7: There's an even crazier topic out there. Remember this classic
Speaker 7: Seinfeld moment.
Speaker 8: Out of that, I new holiday was born a Festivus.
Speaker 7: For the rest of us, please, that's a classic episode.
Speaker 7: I mean, the episode was funny, but not Festimus.
Speaker 2: Yes, that episode was funny, but not Festivus. The central
Speaker 2: comedic conceit of that episode lot funny wait, why is
Speaker 2: Festivus not a holiday for the rest of us?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 7: A nearly six foot tall Festivus pole made from empty
Speaker 7: beer cans about to go up at the Florida State Capitol.
Speaker 1: I'm not kidding.
Speaker 7: It's part of a not so subtle protest against the
Speaker 7: Nativity scene already on display there.
Speaker 2: Who gives it? Can't you just pretend it? Can't you
Speaker 2: just pretend it's a place for the wise men to
Speaker 2: tie up their camels? How about that? I mean, really,
Speaker 2: you're concerned there's a six foot Festivus pole made out
Speaker 2: of beer cans. It's Florida. You're lucky. You're lucky. There's
Speaker 2: not a stripper named Christmas swinging on it. It's you've
Speaker 2: been to Florida. But I apologize, I apologize. You're upset.
Speaker 7: Why do I have to drive around with my kids
Speaker 7: to look for Nativity scenes and be like, oh, yeah, kids,
Speaker 7: look there's Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pull made out
Speaker 7: of beer cant It's nuts.
Speaker 2: Yes, that sounds relatively nuts. Why are you driving around
Speaker 2: looking for Nativity scenes in the car when you could
Speaker 2: just bring your kids to where you work, where you'd
Speaker 2: put a giant Nativity scene out on the plaza. But
Speaker 2: as much as I'm used to Gretchen's yearly major danger warnings,
Speaker 2: a little surprised to see Megan Kelly going full Christmas nog.
Speaker 9: So in Slate, they have a piece on dot com
Speaker 9: Santa Claus should not be a white man anymore. By
Speaker 9: the way, for all your kids watching at home, Sanna
Speaker 9: just is white. But this person is just arguing that
Speaker 9: that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But
Speaker 9: you know, Sanna is what he is. And just so
Speaker 9: you know, we're just debating this because someone wrote about
Speaker 9: a kids.
Speaker 2: It just got real. Santa is just white. And who
Speaker 2: are you actually talking to? Children who are sophisticated enough
Speaker 2: to be watching a news channel at ten o'clock at night,
Speaker 2: yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real,
Speaker 2: yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn't white.
Speaker 2: Why that's such a narrow Yes, West Virginia, there is
Speaker 2: a Santa Claus. But since we're pretending to debate this.
Speaker 9: Carryl author seems to have you know, she's African American
Speaker 9: and she seems to have real pain at having grown
Speaker 9: up with this image of a white Santa just because
Speaker 9: it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change.
Speaker 2: Actually, I think that's the official slogan of oppression. Oppression
Speaker 2: just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it
Speaker 2: has to change. You know what's interesting, that's also the
Speaker 2: slogan of Arby's. I don't know why we do that.
Speaker 2: They're perfectly nice people, make perfectly nice food. I don't
Speaker 2: know why we continue to do this. Now, now you
Speaker 2: may wonder why on this news channel they're making assertions
Speaker 2: of fact about a fictional character.
Speaker 6: Santa Claus is based on Saint Nichol, who was an
Speaker 6: actual person, a Greek bishop, and was a white man.
Speaker 6: You can't take facts and then try to change them
Speaker 6: to fit some sort of a political agenda or a
Speaker 6: sensitivity agenda.
Speaker 2: There is so much crazy going on here, so much crazy.
Speaker 1: I don't even have time to.
Speaker 2: Deal with a Fox News pundit saying you can't take
Speaker 2: facts and try and change them to fit some kind
Speaker 2: of political agenda. I can't say that.
Speaker 1: Even though that's all. That's how much crazy is.
Speaker 2: Going on here. But what she is suggesting is that
Speaker 2: you can't just arbitrarily change the facts about the real
Speaker 2: historical Saint Nicholas who was a white man, even though
Speaker 2: he was from Greece, which is actually Turkey today, and
Speaker 2: that white man lives at the North Pole and drives
Speaker 2: a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. But you can't change
Speaker 2: the facts. Of course, the real Saint Nicholas was from
Speaker 2: a part of the world is now Turkey, and according
Speaker 2: to forensic scientists who studied research originally commissioned by the Vatican,
Speaker 2: he probably looked something like this. So who exactly is
Speaker 2: changing the facts to make themselves more comfortable here actual
Speaker 2: Saint Nicholas. Well, my guess is there'd be no Christmas
Speaker 2: if he looked like that, dude, because he's probably still
Speaker 2: on the no fly list. And then things got really weird.
Speaker 9: Jesus was a white man too, But you know, it's
Speaker 9: like we have he was an historical figure. I mean,
Speaker 9: that's a verifiable fact.
Speaker 2: I'll give you that Jesus was an historical figure. But
Speaker 2: you're gonna get a little pushback on the white thing.
Speaker 2: You do know, Jesus wasn't born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: For more, we're joined by our Senior Christmas, Our Senior Christmas,
Speaker 2: historical accuracy correspondent Jessica Williams. Jessica, thank you willing to
Speaker 2: say Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Holaday, Merry merry Christmas.
Speaker 10: Well, the big news that I hear out of the
Speaker 10: whole Jesus is white thing is that Jews are white.
Speaker 1: Now, so congratulations, John, But.
Speaker 2: You know what about Santa? Do you do you feel
Speaker 2: Santa is white? What about people insisting that Santa is white?
Speaker 1: Oh? John, Santa is white. That's just a fact.
Speaker 10: It's Miracle on thirty fourth Street, now miracle on one
Speaker 10: hundred and thirty fourth Street. The only the only Miracle
Speaker 10: on one hundred and thirty fourth Street is that we
Speaker 10: get to participate at all. Half the time, Santa skips
Speaker 10: us on his way downtown, just like a taxi cab.
Speaker 2: Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: Santa is fiction. He's not even really Hey man, what
Speaker 1: the hell are you doing? Hey? Kids, stop crying.
Speaker 10: Santa is really smart, and he's really white, he's really white.
Speaker 2: No, but Jessica, if we're talking history here, and that
Speaker 2: is what they're saying, we're talking fact and history. Saint
Speaker 2: Nicholas was from the area of the world that is
Speaker 2: now Turkey, he was not some cherubic Wilford Brimley type.
Speaker 1: Hey, don't be stupid, John.
Speaker 10: A swarthy, Turkish Santa will make people very uncomfortable.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, but that Meghan said, just because you
Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable, that doesn't mean you should change it.
Speaker 10: Oh wait, No, Meghan said, if I feel uncomfortable, there's
Speaker 10: no need to change it. If white people feel uncomfortable,
Speaker 10: then we have to change it. And then for tend
Speaker 10: it's the way it's always been. That's how this became this.
Speaker 10: It works that way for everything, Like how this becomes this.
Speaker 10: White people don't want to hear jail house rock from
Speaker 10: somebody who'd actually been to jail. Real jail is uncomfortable,
Speaker 10: Elvis jail is fun.
Speaker 2: He looked like you were having a great lord.
Speaker 1: Right, I mean, John, That's how it was done.
Speaker 10: First you fix history, then you lock that down forever
Speaker 10: in a boat. Sorry, Santa's not black just because some
Speaker 10: blogger wishes he was, Just like Megan's not black just
Speaker 10: because she.
Speaker 1: Spills her name creatively.
Speaker 10: And let's face to John, there is no way this
Speaker 10: could be Santa.
Speaker 2: But what no, very jolly.
Speaker 10: Why not because the moment white folks saw black man
Speaker 10: with a big old bag coming down the chimney every
Speaker 10: time to grab a gun and stand your ground.
Speaker 2: Jessica Williams, thank you so much. Verry Christmas. The Holladay's
Speaker 2: are coming up, and that means the start of a
Speaker 2: decade's old tradition, does it? And I went on location
Speaker 2: to watch it happen. America has had its share of
Speaker 2: intractable wars, but Fox News has been tracking one forever war.
Speaker 3: In particular, it's the War on Christmas, the War on Christmas,
Speaker 3: the War on Christmas to the War.
Speaker 8: On Christmas, and there's no end each sights.
Speaker 3: Now it feels like the War on Christmas is coming
Speaker 3: earlier and earlier every year.
Speaker 11: So we came to the Fox News All American Christmas
Speaker 11: Tree Lighting Show to talk to people about how they're
Speaker 11: surviving the War on Christmas.
Speaker 4: I don't feel like there's a war on Christmas, and
Speaker 4: I think if there was a war on Christmas, Christmas
Speaker 4: move win.
Speaker 11: Are you familiar with the War on Christmas.
Speaker 8: I've heard of.
Speaker 7: It, but I don't really think it's actually a thing.
Speaker 7: So are you serious?
Speaker 6: People can't say Merry Christmas anymore.
Speaker 11: If I say Merry Christmas, and my neighbor ten times
Speaker 11: in a row. You look at me like I'm crazy.
Speaker 1: Do you think that this tree.
Speaker 11: Lighting ceremony is so much smaller this year because Fox
Speaker 11: lost so much money in the dominion lawsuit.
Speaker 1: That's very possible, but I haven't really.
Speaker 4: Put a lot of fun in love.
Speaker 2: Are you at all worried that they'll be no tree
Speaker 2: lighting ceremony next year when smart metic comes in and
Speaker 2: takes the rest of the cat Not really, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: the hell will people even know it's Christmas? Outside of
Speaker 2: those Christmas decorations and those Christmas and those.
Speaker 11: There's raw fell, there's a Sannah.
Speaker 4: Finally, we spoke to some civilians who truly have experienced.
Speaker 2: The nug of war.
Speaker 8: Fox has talked a lot about how.
Speaker 9: There is a war on Christmas.
Speaker 1: I think there is.
Speaker 2: If I were to say happy Holidays, how would that
Speaker 2: make you feel?
Speaker 1: I might correct you.
Speaker 2: Some people talk about saying happy Holidays. Fox is really
Speaker 2: proud about saying Merry Christmas. They say there's a war
Speaker 2: on Christmas. There is.
Speaker 1: There's a war on Christmas.
Speaker 7: I believe we look around you look at all the businesses,
Speaker 7: looking at corporations that have you know.
Speaker 2: Not allowed you to say that.
Speaker 3: I think that people are scared to speak up about
Speaker 3: their Christianity, about their faith.
Speaker 11: Sure, there is a war on Christmas. In the group
Speaker 11: facing the most vitriol for sure are Christians.
Speaker 1: I think Christians specifically, yes, right now.
Speaker 11: Right now, But it's defending Christmas enough to hook on
Speaker 11: my saying as nice list or does Saint Nick reconsider
Speaker 11: when Fox News hosts say things like.
Speaker 2: This, I want to say something about Arab Americans. We've
Speaker 2: had it.
Speaker 11: With Okay, so not your nice Someone at boxho said
Speaker 11: we've had it with them, referencing Eric's in general nice
Speaker 11: Jesse Waters three in the nice nice category.
Speaker 2: Maybe because I'm a New Yorker and pretty, you know,
Speaker 2: use of stuff, used to stuff now I've been mom,
Speaker 2: keep been mind.
Speaker 11: Yeah, and so that's like led to an irrational hour
Speaker 11: that yousicly project down to an entire group of people.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so we got the five right here. Judge Janine, not.
Speaker 1: Your nice, nice nice And I love to judge.
Speaker 2: He sees the world, call it that she sees it exactly,
Speaker 2: that lady knows a way around exactly a bar a bar,
Speaker 2: not your nice Fox News nice nice, nice nice? Yes,
Speaker 2: what about when they lied to the American people about
Speaker 2: the election results. That's naughty, that's not that.
Speaker 11: Is we can acknowledge that's naughty.
Speaker 2: But overall Fox News nice, Nice, Who makes mistakes, We
Speaker 2: all make mistakes. Who hasn't threatened the entire nation's trust
Speaker 2: in democracy for one moment? We finally arrived at the
Speaker 2: moment to the Claire Mission.
Speaker 6: Accomplished on the War on Christmas.
Speaker 8: Two one until next year.
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Speaker 5: searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
Speaker 5: The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central,
Speaker 5: and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plucks.
Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast