1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:07,440 Speaker 1: Hello Sunshine, Hey besties. Today on the bright Side, it's 2 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 1: Wellness Wednesday, and we're diving into something we've all struggled with, boundaries. 3 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: Licensed therapist and relationship expert Nidra Towab is here to 4 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: help us understand why boundaries are so hard to set, 5 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: how we can empower ourselves to finally draw that line, 6 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: and why the toughest boundary might just be the one 7 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 1: we need to set with ourselves. 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,480 Speaker 2: It's Wednesday, November twentieth. I'm Danielle Robe and. 9 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,840 Speaker 1: I'm Simone Boyce. This is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine, 10 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,280 Speaker 1: a daily show where we come together to share women's stories, laugh, 11 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: learn and brighten your day. 12 00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:45,479 Speaker 2: Today's Wellness Wednesday is presented by Coligard. Okay, so today 13 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,720 Speaker 2: we are talking all about boundaries. I have had a 14 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 2: journey with them. Boundaries have been hard for me. If 15 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 2: you talk to my mother, she won't agree, she'll refute this. 16 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,720 Speaker 2: But I think I grew up in a boundaryless household, 17 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 2: so I had to learn how to set them later 18 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 2: in life, and I've found it particularly hard in friendship, 19 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,400 Speaker 2: in romantic relationships, and with my mom. Sorry, Hi Mom, 20 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 2: I love you, but I think it's coming from this 21 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,120 Speaker 2: deep seated fear of letting people down. I don't want 22 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 2: anyone to feel disappointed or unloved because of something I said, 23 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 2: or did or didn't do. 24 00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:25,119 Speaker 1: But over time, I've. 25 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,880 Speaker 2: Realized that saying yes to somebody else all the time 26 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,840 Speaker 2: is really saying no to myself. Simone, have you had 27 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 2: this or have you always had healthy boundaries? 28 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: Boundaries is definitely a skill that I've had to learn. 29 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: I haven't always had healthy boundaries with work, but I 30 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,560 Speaker 1: have started to implement that as I've gotten older and 31 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 1: have gotten more possessive over my time. And this time 32 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: of year can be particularly challenging, you know, the holidays 33 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 1: usher in a lot of additional expectations with friends, family, 34 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: and coworkers, And like you were saying, Danielle, times, the 35 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,800 Speaker 1: hardest boundaries to set are with our family members. Oh yes, 36 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:04,639 Speaker 1: for sure. 37 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 2: I've reframed a boundary in my mind as something you 38 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 2: will tell someone that you will do, so you're not 39 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 2: asking them to change their behavior. You're just saying this 40 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 2: is something I am going to do, and then you 41 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:18,600 Speaker 2: stick to it. 42 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,520 Speaker 1: You keep your word, which is so hard. 43 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,359 Speaker 2: But it's never just as easy as that, And that's 44 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,680 Speaker 2: why we're bringing in an expert today. Ndra to Wob 45 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 2: is a leading therapist on setting boundaries and the author 46 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,799 Speaker 2: of the New York Times best selling book Set Boundaries, 47 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 2: Find Peace, as well as Drama Free and Consider This. 48 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,520 Speaker 2: She's also the host of the podcast you Need to 49 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 2: Hear This, and she wowed the crowd at this year's 50 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 2: Shine Away. 51 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,000 Speaker 1: Nedra says one of the first steps to setting good 52 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: boundaries is understanding your boundary patterns, so she's created a 53 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: little quiz to help everyone do that. If you go 54 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 1: to her website, Ndra towobb dot com, she has a 55 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 1: quizzy you can take for free that determines whether you 56 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: have porous, rigid, or healthy boundaries. 57 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 2: We both took this quiz and I have to say 58 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 2: I was kind of surprised by my results. So we're 59 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 2: going to talk through the three different boundary types and 60 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:14,040 Speaker 2: then talk about tools. How do we give ourselves the 61 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 2: tools to set boundaries and. 62 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,079 Speaker 1: Feel confident about them. So let's go ahead and bring 63 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 1: her in. Nedra Tuab, Welcome to the bright Side. Thank 64 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,240 Speaker 1: you for having me. Well, Nijo, you have literally written 65 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,440 Speaker 1: the book on boundaries. It's called Set Boundaries, Find Peace, 66 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: A guide to reclaiming yourself. And yet I have to 67 00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: imagine that even you were a student of this craft 68 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 1: at one point. How have boundaries changed your life? And 69 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,360 Speaker 1: when did you realize you needed them? 70 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 2: Oh? 71 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 3: My gosh, as young as elementary school, middle school, high school. 72 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:50,280 Speaker 3: I feel like we've always had boundaries, But when did 73 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 3: we know that we could utilize them. For many of us, 74 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,320 Speaker 3: that is young adulthood, when we start to recognize, like, 75 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 3: oh my gosh, I have a little bit of autonomy. 76 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,080 Speaker 3: I'm not with my parents all the time. I can 77 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,360 Speaker 3: exercise some things in my life that could be beneficial. 78 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 3: Some of us are fortunate enough to have parents who 79 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 3: are willing to honor some of those boundaries, and you know, 80 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,080 Speaker 3: when they are not, we figure out a way to 81 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 3: exercise our boundaries. I remember in high school one of 82 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:24,200 Speaker 3: my first boundaries. My mother is a cigarette smoker, and 83 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 3: one of my boundaries was do not smoke in my room. 84 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,200 Speaker 3: And she would stand at the door and she talked 85 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,280 Speaker 3: to me from the hall and I'm like, oh, wow, 86 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 3: one place of refuge in this home. I have one 87 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,880 Speaker 3: space where there's no cigarette smoke. 88 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:39,240 Speaker 4: Wow. 89 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 3: It felt good that she was willing to do that 90 00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 3: and It taught me that when I ask, I receive. 91 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:50,200 Speaker 1: It's a good lesson to learn and one that I 92 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: think we all have to find in our own way 93 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,279 Speaker 1: and in our own timing. NDRO. 94 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 2: When I read your book years ago, it was the 95 00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:00,760 Speaker 2: first book I had ever read on boundaries, and we 96 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:06,360 Speaker 2: had a conversation and I remember thinking, Oh, I don't 97 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 2: know if I can do any of this. 98 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 1: This all seems way too rigid for me. 99 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 2: And I think we're three and a half years later 100 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 2: and I feel much more boundaried, and so I almost 101 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 2: feel like I can have a whole different conversation with 102 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 2: you now. Those boundaries with self, as you stated, were 103 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 2: the start for me. But you say that most people 104 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 2: don't come into therapy knowing they have boundary issues similar 105 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 2: to me. So I want to start with what boundaries are? 106 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,880 Speaker 2: How do you personally define them? 107 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:50,600 Speaker 3: Boundaries are ways in which we communicate our needs to others, 108 00:05:50,839 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 3: ways that we honor our needs within our sales. It 109 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:58,599 Speaker 3: can be verbal, they can be physical sometimes, but it 110 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 3: is an expectation that if we do not speak a boundary, 111 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 3: if we are not living a boundary, we do not 112 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 3: have any boundaries. So sometimes people will say, well, they 113 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:13,000 Speaker 3: should know, they should know is not a boundary right. 114 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 3: So we have to be clear in our expectations and 115 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 3: our desires with other people and with ourselves, because sometimes 116 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:25,280 Speaker 3: we lack internal clarity, so we can't even communicate our 117 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,400 Speaker 3: need to other people, and we certainly can't honor it ourselves. 118 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,159 Speaker 3: When people come to therapy, I tend to see lots 119 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:38,279 Speaker 3: of anxiety, sometimes depression, lots of relationship issues, burnout at work, 120 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 3: frustrated moms, partners who have been together and now they 121 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,919 Speaker 3: have kids and they don't know how to co parent together. 122 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,920 Speaker 3: So all sorts of things sort of arrive in the 123 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 3: therapy space as boundary issues. If there is a woman 124 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,840 Speaker 3: who says, my partner needs to come to therapy with 125 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,479 Speaker 3: me because I am the person who does all of 126 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:04,240 Speaker 3: the things in the home, that's a boundary issue. And 127 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:08,159 Speaker 3: often it hasn't been communicated, it hasn't been discussed. We 128 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 3: have not gone through what you do well and what 129 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 3: do I do well? What do we need to outsource, 130 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 3: what do we need? It's just the unspoken expectations sometimes 131 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 3: of gender roles, and it doesn't work, and then we 132 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,400 Speaker 3: start to fight and we feel unappreciated and so When 133 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 3: we can calibrate our lives to fit the needs that 134 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:33,120 Speaker 3: we have and to communicate that to people, we have 135 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:37,880 Speaker 3: a lot more ease and less anxiety and less relationship problems. 136 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:42,240 Speaker 3: But sometimes people don't even know where to start, and 137 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 3: that's why a lot of people come to therapy. 138 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,840 Speaker 1: There's something that you wrote that I wanted to ask 139 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,000 Speaker 1: you about. You said the root of self care is 140 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,360 Speaker 1: setting boundaries. And you've also said that the most important 141 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: boundary that you can set is actually with yourself. What 142 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,680 Speaker 1: do you mean by that and what does that look 143 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 1: like in practice? 144 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 3: Well, boundaries are self devote It is the way that 145 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,840 Speaker 3: we show up with our salves in the world. Many 146 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,400 Speaker 3: times we think that other people have to release us, 147 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 3: they have to honor these things, and we must first 148 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 3: think about what have I requested? What am I showing 149 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 3: others that I need? How am I caring for myself? 150 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,840 Speaker 3: If we can't do it, other people certainly won't do it. 151 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 3: We often ask for permission without permitting our salves. So 152 00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 3: there's a lot of self advocacy that's necessary for us 153 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 3: to be boundary people. 154 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 2: We have to take a quick break, but we'll be 155 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,319 Speaker 2: right back with more boundary setting. Advice that's in a moment, 156 00:08:47,679 --> 00:08:50,959 Speaker 2: and we're back with Relationship and Boundaries Expert NDRA. Toob 157 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 2: Ndra on your website, you have a nineteen question quiz 158 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 2: and it determines if you're in need of healthy boundaries. 159 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,679 Speaker 2: So the result show if you have porous boundaries, rigid boundaries, 160 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,040 Speaker 2: or healthy boundaries. And Simone and I both took the quiz, 161 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,480 Speaker 2: so we want to go through our results. Simone, were 162 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,360 Speaker 2: you surprised by yours or did you feel they were 163 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 2: spot on? 164 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,319 Speaker 1: So I received healthy boundaries as my results. I think 165 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:22,680 Speaker 1: it's pretty accurate. I think it's something that's always fluid 166 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: though and changing. Danielle, how about you? What did you get? 167 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 5: So? 168 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 2: I got healthy boundaries too, and it really made me 169 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,880 Speaker 2: giggle because I have never thought of myself as somebody 170 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:37,719 Speaker 2: with healthy boundaries, but I do think that this is 171 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 2: proof that they are a muscle and a mindset because 172 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 2: it's all fluid. I think I moved from porous boundaries 173 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 2: to healthier boundaries. But I think when it comes to 174 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 2: my time or work or family and friends, I have 175 00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:02,679 Speaker 2: really become healthy there with these and the direct communication 176 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 2: was a big part of that. 177 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:08,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think sometimes people assume that Oh my gosh, 178 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 3: I'm terrible at boundaries and I'll always be terrible. Well, 179 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 3: you can improve. You have to practice doing different things. 180 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,320 Speaker 3: If you continue to do some of the same things, yeah, 181 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,319 Speaker 3: you'll have unhealthy boundaries, but with practice you can go 182 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 3: from poorest or rigid too healthy. And like I mentioned, 183 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,719 Speaker 3: it depends on the area in life. For some of us, 184 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 3: work might be the hardest area to place boundaries. For 185 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,959 Speaker 3: lots of us, I think family is the hardest place. Oh, 186 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 3: that's my hardest for sure. Yeah, there's a lot of 187 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 3: long term relationship and expectation built into that, and so 188 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 3: people do have a hard time saying things, especially to 189 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:55,560 Speaker 3: elder sometimes to siblings. So that's typically an area where 190 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,480 Speaker 3: you'll see a lot of people struggle with family. 191 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 2: A question between porous and rigid boundaries, Will you explain 192 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 2: what porous boundaries mean? And what does someone who has 193 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 2: these type of boundaries struggle with? 194 00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:16,959 Speaker 3: So poorest boundaries typically show up as not having any 195 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,520 Speaker 3: clear boundaries with people, or very few clear boundaries. People 196 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 3: don't know where you stand, they don't know what you like. 197 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,560 Speaker 3: You may be a little passive aggressive when a boundary 198 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 3: issue comes up, and for other people that feels like 199 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,880 Speaker 3: it came out of nowhere, but you may have been 200 00:11:32,920 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 3: thinking about it for weeks, months, or years and it 201 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:42,359 Speaker 3: just hasn't been communicated. So poorest boundaries are weak boundaries 202 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 3: where we're not communicating many things. Rigid boundaries is when 203 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,880 Speaker 3: we have so many boundaries that we've built walls. This 204 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 3: is a person who may show up in the world 205 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:56,200 Speaker 3: as I got this, or I don't need anyone to 206 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 3: help me. I am the helper. I can do it myself. 207 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:05,640 Speaker 3: I can diiy anything. And that doesn't allow people to 208 00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:09,680 Speaker 3: be in relationship with you in a reciprocal way, because 209 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:14,080 Speaker 3: either you're doing all the giving or they're not able 210 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:19,280 Speaker 3: to support you sufficiently. And we all need support. Sometimes 211 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,439 Speaker 3: you may need a hug, sometimes you might need a 212 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:26,280 Speaker 3: little cash. Sometimes you might need assistance with moving something 213 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,400 Speaker 3: around your home. But it is important for us to 214 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,439 Speaker 3: let people be there for us when we need something. 215 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,400 Speaker 3: I think the thing we need most often, especially for 216 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:39,679 Speaker 3: rigid folks, is someone to listen. And what happens when 217 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:43,000 Speaker 3: you have rigid boundaries is you're not very forthcoming about 218 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 3: the things that are going on, and so when things happen, 219 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 3: people have no idea they don't even know you're suffering 220 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 3: because you haven't been clear with them. 221 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 1: Well when it comes to asking for help, I do 222 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 1: wonder if a lot of this is culturally specific. It's 223 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: a very Western thing to be so individualistic, to not 224 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 1: lean on community. 225 00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 3: Absolutely, I certainly believe that self efficacy, self awareness, everything 226 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 3: is like self in front of it, self care, self endurance. 227 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 3: I mean, we could go on with the selfs like 228 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,080 Speaker 3: it is, like it's all about me, but community care 229 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:24,680 Speaker 3: is also a thing. Community efficacy is also a thing, 230 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 3: so we can look to others to help us because 231 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,200 Speaker 3: we are actually not very autonomous beings. When we think 232 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:36,439 Speaker 3: about everything we did today, it's because of someone else. 233 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,480 Speaker 3: You're sitting on a chair, thats someone made. You're using 234 00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,280 Speaker 3: so many things that other people did to you. People 235 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,320 Speaker 3: stock the shelves at the grocery store, people open the 236 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 3: door for you. People are all around you helping you 237 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 3: with things and doing things, and it is okay to 238 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:58,560 Speaker 3: ask for more. Sometimes we have been praised in such 239 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 3: a way for figuring things out that many of us 240 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 3: just feel weak asking. It's like, I'm so used to 241 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:06,959 Speaker 3: being the helper. 242 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,600 Speaker 1: I don't know how. 243 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 3: To be the person who needs any help. But it's 244 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,000 Speaker 3: very beneficial when we come into this world. We come 245 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 3: into the world needing someone to do every single thing 246 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 3: for us, every single thing somewhere. Some parents will let it, 247 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,320 Speaker 3: you know, they'll cuddle their seven year old. But there 248 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,560 Speaker 3: are some parents who say, you two, now, you can't 249 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,000 Speaker 3: sit on my lap. And that's an unfortunate thing because 250 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 3: what we're teaching them is it's a point in time 251 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 3: where you shouldn't need any more care. So some of 252 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 3: us were nurtured to figure it out, to get it together. 253 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 3: When you ask that parent for help, they may have 254 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,479 Speaker 3: said to you, you can figure it out, you're smart, 255 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 3: or I think you can do it. And sometimes that 256 00:14:56,120 --> 00:15:00,480 Speaker 3: is helpful to people, and sometimes you're teaching them that 257 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,440 Speaker 3: they can't look to others for help. 258 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 2: Is our relationship to boundaries molded almost entirely in our upbringing? 259 00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 2: Then is there a nature of ver as nurture component here? 260 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,840 Speaker 3: I would say that so much of how we understand 261 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:20,600 Speaker 3: things is from our childhood, and we continue those patterns 262 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:25,200 Speaker 3: if we're not conscious of them. We can do some work. 263 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 3: We can develop our self awareness, we can learn about ourselves, 264 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 3: and we can overcome those things. Sometimes when we're still 265 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,920 Speaker 3: in the house with our parents. You don't have to 266 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 3: be an adult to do it. You may notice, oh 267 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 3: my gosh, why am I not asking my friends for help? 268 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 3: You can start to do these things despite what you 269 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 3: were nurtured to do. It might be uncomfortable. Now a 270 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 3: lot of times we have to have people who are 271 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 3: trustworthy that can help us figure out that we are 272 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 3: safe and that these things can be honored. 273 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 2: What are some telltale signs that we should be setting 274 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 2: some boundaries. 275 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,680 Speaker 3: Our feelings are our guide. You know, when we're feeling frustrated, 276 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:16,440 Speaker 3: when we're feeling anxious, if we're feeling depressed in some 277 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 3: of our interactions, when we start to physically have a 278 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 3: response to situations, when our heart is beating faster, when 279 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 3: we're talking to a person, when we start sweating. You know, 280 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:33,040 Speaker 3: those are indicators that your body is feeling something. And 281 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,520 Speaker 3: maybe it's not always a boundary, because sometimes it could 282 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:41,600 Speaker 3: be while this is really scary because it's new, or wow, 283 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,960 Speaker 3: this feels really uncomfortable because I haven't addressed this with 284 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:49,840 Speaker 3: this person, And sometimes it's we need a boundary in 285 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:54,080 Speaker 3: this situation. I like to look at patterns and when 286 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,200 Speaker 3: we have patterns with people, it's important for us to 287 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,640 Speaker 3: address it. If I have a client and for three 288 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 3: years in a row, I hear this story of what 289 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:07,920 Speaker 3: happens at family dinner on Thanksgiving, I'm like, I'm noticing 290 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 3: a pattern here. Do you think you can point out 291 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:15,120 Speaker 3: what you've said that sounds similar to twenty twenty three, 292 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:20,399 Speaker 3: twenty twenty two, in twenty twenty one, what do you 293 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 3: think I'm hearing? Because sometimes people don't notice that they're 294 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 3: stating the same problem, and then it's like, okay, so 295 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,120 Speaker 3: here's the issue. Do you want this to happen again 296 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,560 Speaker 3: in twenty twenty four if you do not, What are 297 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:34,679 Speaker 3: some of the things we could do? 298 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:37,879 Speaker 1: What is some effective language that we can all follow 299 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 1: when articulating our boundaries. 300 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:46,080 Speaker 3: The best way to phrase boundaries is I want, I need, 301 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,439 Speaker 3: I expect, will you can you? 302 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 1: Yes? 303 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:49,960 Speaker 4: And no? 304 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:55,760 Speaker 3: Those are all wonderful starter phrases for opening up the 305 00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,280 Speaker 3: communication of boundaries. A thing that I would love for 306 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 3: people to shy away from is stating the problem without 307 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 3: giving people a boundary, because us humans love to do that. 308 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 3: It's like, there's no bags in this garbage? Did you 309 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 3: ask them to bring bags? So sometimes we do a 310 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 3: lot of problem noticing without showing up with a solution. 311 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,600 Speaker 3: The person with the boundary issue may not know what 312 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,160 Speaker 3: a boundary should be. They're not even violating the boundary 313 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,440 Speaker 3: because they don't even know about it. So to have 314 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,240 Speaker 3: a boundary violation, they have to be aware of a boundary. 315 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,120 Speaker 3: So if you haven't communicated it, they're not violating anything. 316 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,360 Speaker 3: And this idea that oh, well, common sense says, well, 317 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,040 Speaker 3: everybody doesn't have common sense. We were all raised in 318 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,639 Speaker 3: different places. It doesn't mean that you know we're bad 319 00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 3: people because we don't think the same, but it does 320 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 3: mean that we're different. 321 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,680 Speaker 1: We got to take a quick break. We'll be right back, 322 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,919 Speaker 1: and we're back with Relationship and Boundaries Expert Nedra to WOP. 323 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 1: We source some questions from our listeners, so we'd love 324 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,040 Speaker 1: to run those by you. I know that our bright 325 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 1: Side besties could use your expertise navigating the heightened expectations 326 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,240 Speaker 1: that come during the holiday season. Here's the first question. 327 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 4: Hi, my name's Elizabeth and I have a holiday party 328 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 4: every year and we invite a lot of people. And 329 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 4: last year my girlfriend came and she brought her three kids, 330 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 4: and there were a lot of Shenanigans, and it wasn't 331 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,719 Speaker 4: great to have them there. And this year they're fishing 332 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,120 Speaker 4: for an invite again, and I'm really struggling with how 333 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,399 Speaker 4: to say no. 334 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:39,920 Speaker 1: What do I do? 335 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,679 Speaker 3: Since this is a party and it's your party, we 336 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,600 Speaker 3: can have a preference for adults only, and that could 337 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,879 Speaker 3: be clearly stated on the invite if there's an evite, 338 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,080 Speaker 3: If there's you know, even a formal invite, that can 339 00:19:55,119 --> 00:20:01,120 Speaker 3: be stated this is adults only, no children allowed, or 340 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,240 Speaker 3: you know, if you want to say that through text. 341 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 3: If that's the invite. It's not personal because it applies 342 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 3: to everyone coming to the party. And this could mean 343 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,120 Speaker 3: that your friend is unable to come because maybe they 344 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:17,160 Speaker 3: don't have a sitter. But there is a different experience 345 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 3: with adults only versus adults and kids. And because it 346 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:28,439 Speaker 3: is your party, you get to determine what the experience is. So, 347 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 3: you know, letting someone know up front, just very clearly 348 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 3: this is an adult's only party. I think that's a 349 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,520 Speaker 3: good way to say it, to have it on an 350 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,920 Speaker 3: invite so they don't feel like it's a personal attack 351 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,320 Speaker 3: toward them and their children. 352 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:47,359 Speaker 1: So good. Could not have said it better myself, Okay, 353 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,640 Speaker 1: here's the second one. NDA. 354 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:53,160 Speaker 5: So, my mom is obsessed with Christmas, and every year 355 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,719 Speaker 5: I go to her house for Christmas my entire adult life. 356 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,080 Speaker 5: And this year was the first year that I told 357 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:05,159 Speaker 5: her I wasn't coming, and she is just heartbroken and I. 358 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,440 Speaker 1: Feel so guilty. 359 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:09,800 Speaker 5: But I really want to stick to my guns, and 360 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 5: I really want to do my own thing with my 361 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,880 Speaker 5: family this Christmas. So how do I navigate this? 362 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 3: Well, the guilt is a sign that you care, You're 363 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,720 Speaker 3: concerned about her feelings, and that's a beautiful thing. I 364 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,680 Speaker 3: don't want us to get to the point where it's 365 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,400 Speaker 3: like I don't need to feel any guilt to set 366 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,359 Speaker 3: a boundary, because what the emotion is saying is I 367 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 3: care about this person, I care about their holiday experience, 368 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,879 Speaker 3: and I need to do something different in this situation 369 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 3: for myself. Your mom will have to figure out what 370 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,840 Speaker 3: her holiday experience can look like. 371 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:48,399 Speaker 2: I don't know. 372 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 3: Maybe that looks like her coming to your house. Maybe 373 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,040 Speaker 3: that looks like her getting together with other family members. 374 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 3: Maybe you all start a tradition of going to her 375 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,720 Speaker 3: house on Christmas Eve and you all spending the day 376 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,560 Speaker 3: at your house where she's included, or perhaps not included, 377 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,520 Speaker 3: so figuring out something new it's par for the course 378 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:13,040 Speaker 3: of becoming an adult. Many of us don't do the 379 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,879 Speaker 3: same thing we did as children around the holidays because 380 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,600 Speaker 3: we create our own experiences and you are entitled to 381 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,720 Speaker 3: that as well. And your mom will have to reconfigure 382 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,640 Speaker 3: what her experience looks like and perhaps in some way 383 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 3: you can be a part of it, but it will 384 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:32,919 Speaker 3: not be in the way that it has been in 385 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 3: the past. So very clearly communicating that to her, and 386 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:39,440 Speaker 3: it sounds like you've done a good job of doing that, 387 00:22:40,119 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 3: but sticking to it, and as she brings it up, 388 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,359 Speaker 3: you can let her know that, hey, this is really 389 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,720 Speaker 3: hard for me because I know how you feel about it, 390 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:55,120 Speaker 3: and I also want to honor new traditions with my family. 391 00:22:56,359 --> 00:23:01,359 Speaker 3: So you can honor what she's going through and still 392 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 3: do your thing and feel bad about it. Is not 393 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,479 Speaker 3: like you have to feel great about this boundary. You 394 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 3: can feel bad about the boundary and follow through with it. 395 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,480 Speaker 3: Because it's sounding like you're to the point of not 396 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 3: wanting to do it anymore. So we want you to 397 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 3: show up in a festive spirit and who's ever home 398 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,920 Speaker 3: you will be in And it sounds like it will 399 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:23,080 Speaker 3: be your home this year. 400 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:25,400 Speaker 1: That is such a tough one. 401 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,479 Speaker 2: I really like the idea of sharing how hard it is, 402 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,520 Speaker 2: so it's not like you're an unfeeling robot. 403 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 1: That's a great thing. 404 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:36,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, here's our third one. 405 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:37,159 Speaker 6: Hi. 406 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,840 Speaker 1: My name is Kelsey. 407 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,800 Speaker 6: So my family's a little estranged and the holidays are 408 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 6: tough because you know, we just we don't always get along. 409 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,840 Speaker 6: How do I invite some of my family over for 410 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 6: the holidays and not others? 411 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,080 Speaker 1: Like, how do I exclude people. 412 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:59,639 Speaker 6: And set that boundary in a healthy way without creating 413 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:00,439 Speaker 6: too much drama? 414 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,879 Speaker 1: Thank you? 415 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,840 Speaker 3: You know, as I heard this, you know this may 416 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,120 Speaker 3: or may not be helpful, But I'm thinking about people 417 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:12,800 Speaker 3: are excluded anyway. I mean, if we invited the entire family, 418 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,919 Speaker 3: you know, we wouldn't have room for them. So maybe 419 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:19,480 Speaker 3: there are some people who think they should be included 420 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,240 Speaker 3: that you're choosing not to include, and that part is different. 421 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:31,440 Speaker 3: So first, recognize that everybody hasn't been invited ever. And second, 422 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:39,360 Speaker 3: you can create your holiday experience, and sometimes that might 423 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:46,240 Speaker 3: include not having certain chaotic people in the holiday experience 424 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:51,520 Speaker 3: because they don't know how not to be chaotic. That 425 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:57,120 Speaker 3: is challenging of course, and people may choose to show 426 00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,040 Speaker 3: up and be okay with that, and then some people 427 00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:00,560 Speaker 3: may say, well, I don't want to come if you 428 00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 3: don't want to invite so and so, and they have 429 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,240 Speaker 3: the right to do that as well. But in your house, 430 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,439 Speaker 3: you get to invite the people that you want to 431 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:14,040 Speaker 3: be there. I know that's really hard. I think that 432 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:18,160 Speaker 3: you know, in this season, it is filled with expectation, 433 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:23,840 Speaker 3: expectation of how we should show up in our family relationships, 434 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,200 Speaker 3: and sometimes we've thought about it for so long when 435 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,160 Speaker 3: we get to the point of setting boundaries, sometimes we've 436 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 3: been thinking about it for years. We've been suffering through 437 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 3: this problem for years and years, and we've finally gotten 438 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 3: to the point where we're ready to end the relationship, 439 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 3: change the tradition, or just have a difficult conversation with someone. 440 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,480 Speaker 3: It's not out of left field. It has taken a 441 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:54,679 Speaker 3: lot of thought and consideration, and it can be tough. 442 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,679 Speaker 3: I remember I ended a family relationship and another family 443 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,560 Speaker 3: member or was urging me to still be in a relationship, 444 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,879 Speaker 3: and I said, the only reason I was in it 445 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,879 Speaker 3: is because I didn't want this. I didn't want people 446 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 3: to feel like, oh, my God, you should be in 447 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,720 Speaker 3: this relationship with this person. But I felt this way 448 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:21,760 Speaker 3: for a very long time. I feel free, I feel 449 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,639 Speaker 3: more at ease, I feel like I can enjoy these experiences. 450 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,160 Speaker 3: So I know that it hurts you, but it feels 451 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,639 Speaker 3: good to me because the way that you can handle 452 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 3: the chaos is not the way that I handle the chaos. 453 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,919 Speaker 3: And you can continue to have your relationship with that person. 454 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,760 Speaker 3: Maybe y'all have a side gathering. I don't know, but 455 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:48,199 Speaker 3: as for my holiday gathering, that person cannot be a 456 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,879 Speaker 3: part of it because this is also my Christmas. You 457 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,359 Speaker 3: get a Christmas, you get a Christmas, you get a Christmas. 458 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:56,680 Speaker 3: This is my Christmas, and this is how I want 459 00:26:56,720 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 3: to spend it. This is my Thanksgiving, this is how 460 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,639 Speaker 3: I would like to spend it. We're all entitled to 461 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,439 Speaker 3: the same holiday here, and we get a choice. So 462 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,399 Speaker 3: they can choose to come to the gathering despite people 463 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,439 Speaker 3: not being invited, or they may side with those people, 464 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 3: but you get to have your holiday. 465 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,840 Speaker 2: You may not experience the chaos the way I do. 466 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,919 Speaker 2: I really really love that that personally resonates for me 467 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,240 Speaker 2: in some of my family of relationships versus how my 468 00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:34,919 Speaker 2: mom or brother experience other family members. Nedra, you have 469 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:39,239 Speaker 2: this ongoing hashtag on Instagram where you have nearly two 470 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,960 Speaker 2: million followers. It's called Nedra Nuggets where you share your 471 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 2: knowledge and your insight on boundaries and of course relationships. 472 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,960 Speaker 2: For example, it'll say something like nine things to say 473 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:53,640 Speaker 2: when your boundaries are challenged or five things to consider 474 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 2: when giving someone a second chance. And I'm wondering if 475 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,520 Speaker 2: you are able to share a Nedrin nu get with 476 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:06,480 Speaker 2: our bright Side besties today, whatever is on your heart for. 477 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,960 Speaker 1: This talk we've had today. 478 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,840 Speaker 3: You know, I'm coming back to the anks that people 479 00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:17,600 Speaker 3: are having around the holidays, and as I stated, we 480 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:22,880 Speaker 3: only get this lifetime, and everybody is choosing how they 481 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:26,320 Speaker 3: want to live at our parents, our friends, everybody sort 482 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:32,320 Speaker 3: of figuring that out. And in many situations, the boundary 483 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 3: is the thing that you've been thinking about. It is 484 00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:40,400 Speaker 3: the solution to whatever this is. And if you have 485 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:45,240 Speaker 3: to have a conversation, there's peace on the other side 486 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 3: of it, even if there's a little blow up, even 487 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,600 Speaker 3: if there's a disruption, there is something about getting the 488 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:58,120 Speaker 3: words out that just relaxes our shoulders. When we can 489 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:02,000 Speaker 3: just get it out, it clear up something in us 490 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:07,640 Speaker 3: that I think is a beautiful thing. And we are 491 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 3: entitled to live our lives with some healthy relationships. Maybe 492 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,640 Speaker 3: not all of our relationships being healthy, but we get 493 00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 3: to have these boundaries as a way of honoring our 494 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 3: sales and our time on this earth. 495 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:26,560 Speaker 1: Thank you for that, Nedra. Thank you so much for 496 00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:28,520 Speaker 1: coming on the bright side. You're welcome. 497 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:29,520 Speaker 3: Thank you for having me. 498 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,920 Speaker 2: Nedra job is a relationship and boundaries expert, licensed therapist 499 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,400 Speaker 2: and host of the podcast You Need to Hear This. 500 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 2: She's also the author of the New York Times bestseller 501 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:45,960 Speaker 2: set Boundaries Find Peace. Thank you to our partners at Coliguard, 502 00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:48,040 Speaker 2: the one of a kind way to screen for colon 503 00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:50,840 Speaker 2: cancer in the privacy and comfort of your own home. 504 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,320 Speaker 2: Talk to your doctor, healthcare provider, or go to coliguard 505 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:56,880 Speaker 2: dot com slash podcast to see if you are eligible 506 00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:59,520 Speaker 2: to order online. If you're forty five or older and 507 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,720 Speaker 2: at average risk, ask your healthcare provider about screening for 508 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,680 Speaker 2: colon cancer with coli Guard. You can also request a 509 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:09,520 Speaker 2: coll of Guard prescription today at coliguard dot com slash podcast. 510 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,200 Speaker 1: That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're talking all about 511 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,880 Speaker 1: self care during the holidays with creator and mental health 512 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:23,240 Speaker 1: advocate Libby Ward. Join the conversation using hashtag the bright 513 00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 1: Side and connect with us on social media at Hello 514 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:29,280 Speaker 1: Sunshine on Instagram and at The bright Side Pod on 515 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:32,320 Speaker 1: TikTok oh, and feel free to tag us at Simone 516 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,440 Speaker 1: Voice and at Danielle Robe. 517 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,880 Speaker 2: Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, 518 00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,600 Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 519 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:47,760 Speaker 1: See you tomorrow, folks. Keep looking on the bright side.